Creativity (need rating)

[terencemall]

Hello guys

Please, rate my piece of writing. From the point of view of creativity.
Here's the quote from the whole piece:

On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. Noone could tell you where or when, at what exact time. You just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your ears. And without consideration, you set out on a journey.

[Razade]

"One day, the book was boring. I couldn't tell you why or how or where it went wrong. I just knew it was dull. Shallow. The monotony drug on like a lazy summer day. And without consideration, I closed the book never to read it again."

Two out of ten. That's being generous.

[Ninja_Prawn]

Not sure what you're really expecting here, OP. A small snippet like that is never going to be enough to develop any constructive criticism, and if you're trying to troll us into read the whole thing, you at least need to link us to it. If you want us to do your English homework for you... we might not be the best people to turn to! :smalltongue:

On the snippet: as a premise for a story, what you've got there is rather clichéd. The writing is... fine, but you're not setting the world alight here. Not much more I can say at this point.

[JeenLeen]

Agreeing that we need more to give any true rating, but two things that ring to me:

1) you are using second-person. That is hard to do well. I could see this as a slight intro paragraph to start a chapter, like a bit of italicized text sometimes under a chapter heading, but a different point of view than the rest of the chapter.

2) While cliche in a lot of ways, it is also intriguing and a good 'hook'. The protagonist could just sense it--what sort of magic system is in play, or was it just metaphor. How is 'she' gone? Erased from memory and reality, or just mundanely missing.
I would be rather disappointed if it turned out not to be hinting at something supernatural.

[AuthorGirl]

My first thought is that it would be really cool if "she" was a goddess and "you" were one of her faithful. The MC ("you") assumes that something is killing the gods; a quest for answers ensues. I'll leave you to create the ending :smallsmile:

[Ninja_Prawn]

I'll grant you this: it could be an excellent writing prompt for other people to build on, like if you are a creative writing teacher or something. There are lots of subversive directions you could take it.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

"This piece of text does not show creativity, because it's short and does not contain any unexpected or cleverly combined plot elements. It shows a little bit of my writing style, but not al all my creativity. So you ask me for more of my writing in order to judge it."

[2D8HP]

Hello guys

Please, rate my piece of writing. From the point of view of creativity.
Here's the quote from the whole piece:


Not bad, I'd change it like so:


On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. No one could tell youname of a character where or when, at what exact time. You He, She, orThey just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your her/his/their ears. And without consideration, you[I][b] name of character set out on a journey.

[Honest Tiefling]

If you want us to do your English homework for you... we might not be the best people to turn to! :smalltongue:

Nonsense! As a dyslexic person with the attention span of five minutes who possesses no writing skills, I am the perfect person to turn to!

[AuthorGirl]

Not bad, I'd change it like so:


On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. No one could tell youname of a character where or when, at what exact time. You He, She, orThey just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your [I][b] her/his/their ears. And without consideration, you name of character set out on a journey.

Not bad, I'd change it like so:

On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. No one could tell youname of a character where or when, at what exact time. You He, She, orThey just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your [b] her/his/their [i]her/his/their ears. And without consideration, you name of character set out on a journey.

:tongue:

[Khedrac]

Not bad, I'd change it like so:


On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. No one could tell youname of a character where or when, at what exact time. You He, She, orThey just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your [b] her/his/their ears. And without consideration, you name of character set out on a journey.


Not bad, I'd change it like so:

On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. No one could tell youname of a character where or when, at what exact time. You He, She, orThey just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your [I][b] her/his/their [i]her/his/their ears. And without consideration, you name of character set out on a journey.

:tongue:

Actually the above doesn't work, the third sentence could come out as follows: "She felt that she was gone", and with both 'she's in this sentence referring to different people it's a big "no-no". Since you are using the pronoun "she" throughout for the one who has "gone" you probably need to use a name in every place where people have suggested other pronouns (that or replace "she" with a name); if you want to use pronouns "they" works best.

[Iruka]

Actually the above doesn't work, the third sentence could come out as follows: "She felt that she was gone", and with both 'she's in this sentence referring to different people it's a big "no-no". Since you are using the pronoun "she" throughout for the one who has "gone" you probably need to use a name in every place where people have suggested other pronouns (that or replace "she" with a name); if you want to use pronouns "they" works best.

A case where both 'she's referred to the same, disappearing person could also lead down an interesting road. The snippet would then however need some more extensive reworking to tie name of a character into the story.

[Murk]

On one day, without any particular reason, she disappeared. Noone could tell you where or when, at what exact time. You just felt that she was gone. Gone. The word like a bell rang in your ears. And without consideration, you set out on a journey.

I'm peefed by the "without any particular reason".
How do you know? If this is written from the perspective of "you", the reader, and you don't know where or when she went, how come you do know it didn't have any particular reason? You can't both make it seem like the reader doesn't know anything about this strange disappearance (except for a gut feel), and then also give all-knowing information like the fact that it didn't have any reason. It makes me confused about the way information works in this tale (is the narrator all-knowing or not?)

Also, being nitpicky (what else can you do with only one sentence): "the word [...] rang in your ears" - my ears? Someone said the word? It seemed like I just thought "Gone". Did I speak it out loud? Did someone else tell me the word? How did it end up in my ears?