Help i need baudy tavern songs

[Sariel Vailo]

I play two bards and have no naughty songs to sing,HEEEEEEEEEEEELP.

[Laserlight]

I play two bards and have no naughty songs to sing,HEEEEEEEEEEEELP.

If you're old enough to remember the sounds a dial up modem made when connecting, that would be a baud-y song.

To Anacreon in Heaven is a bawdy song; the tune is a bit difficult but people still use it, with a different set of lyrics.

[Kane0]

Bards Tale, for all your musical needs.

Edit: And if that isn’t enough try some Black Flag

[2D8HP]

...if that isn’t enough try some Black Flag


Nervous Breakdown?

TV Party?

Oh, you meant Sli...

[Ventruenox]

Heh.

I've been the wild rover for many's a year
And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer
And now I'm returning with gold in great store
And I never will play the wild rover no more

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I went to an alehouse I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent
I asked her for credit, she answered me "Nay"
Saying "Custom like yours I can have any day"

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight
She said "I have whiskeys and wines of the best
And I'll take yeh upstairs and show you the rest."

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I go back to me parents, confess what I've done,
And ask them to pardon their prodigal son.
And if they caress me as oft times before,
Then never will I play the wild rover no more.

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more
(At least not till next week!)


I had just come home and I took a room,
I was all settled down to recline,
When I saw a delectable maid go by,
To the room next door to mine
Like the bold Columbus then,
I set out to explore,
And I took up my position by
The keyhole on the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
I took up my position
By the keyhole in the door.

She first took off her slippers,
Her dainty feet to show,
And then she took her knickers off
And revealed her so-and-so,
And when she stretched out on her bed,
I couldn't stand no more,
It was one, two, three, I turned the key
In the keyhole in the door

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
It was one, two, three, I turned the key
In the keyhole in the door

She didn't say a single word.
But she took me in her arms,
And pretty soon I was much engaged,
In charting all her charms
But just in case some other sailor
`D see the sights I saw,
I hung my trousers right above
The keyhole in the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
I hung my trousers right above
The keyhole in the door.

That night I rode in glorious style,
And other things besides,
And on her lily white stomach, Boys,
I had such lovely rides
But when I woke next morning, Boys,
My instrument was sore
As if I had been using it
On the keyhole in the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
As if I had been using it
On the keyhole in the door.

Be warned by this, young sailormen
And listen unto me,
What I caught then, no fishermen
Have ever caught at sea
Beware the pox, the hidden rocks,
That lie in wait ashore,
It's safer far to bend your spar
In the keyhole in the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
It's safer far to bend your spar
In the keyhole in the door.

ONE MORE TIME

The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
It's safer far to bend your spar
In the keyhole in the door.


sung to "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

My Father makes book on the corner,
My Mother makes second hand gin
My sister makes love for a tuppence
My God how the money rolls in!

Chorus:
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God, how the money rolls in, rolls in,
Rolls in, rolls in
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Brother’s a poor missionary
He saves fallen women from sin
He’ll save you a blonde for a shilling
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Uncle’s an artist and painter;
He turns out a beautiful fin
He sells them ten cents on the dollar
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Aunt is a boarding-house keeper,
She takes little working girls in
They put a red light in the window
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Grandma sells cheap prophylactics
She punctures the heads with a pin
For Grandpa gets rich from abortions
My God, how the money rolls in.

If you can sing limericks, I got a slew more...

[Sariel Vailo]

Heh.

I've been the wild rover for many's a year
And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer
And now I'm returning with gold in great store
And I never will play the wild rover no more

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I went to an alehouse I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent
I asked her for credit, she answered me "Nay"
Saying "Custom like yours I can have any day"

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight
She said "I have whiskeys and wines of the best
And I'll take yeh upstairs and show you the rest."

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I go back to me parents, confess what I've done,
And ask them to pardon their prodigal son.
And if they caress me as oft times before,
Then never will I play the wild rover no more.

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more
(At least not till next week!)


I had just come home and I took a room,
I was all settled down to recline,
When I saw a delectable maid go by,
To the room next door to mine
Like the bold Columbus then,
I set out to explore,
And I took up my position by
The keyhole on the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
I took up my position
By the keyhole in the door.

She first took off her slippers,
Her dainty feet to show,
And then she took her knickers off
And revealed her so-and-so,
And when she stretched out on her bed,
I couldn't stand no more,
It was one, two, three, I turned the key
In the keyhole in the door

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
It was one, two, three, I turned the key
In the keyhole in the door

She didn't say a single word.
But she took me in her arms,
And pretty soon I was much engaged,
In charting all her charms
But just in case some other sailor
`D see the sights I saw,
I hung my trousers right above
The keyhole in the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
I hung my trousers right above
The keyhole in the door.

That night I rode in glorious style,
And other things besides,
And on her lily white stomach, Boys,
I had such lovely rides
But when I woke next morning, Boys,
My instrument was sore
As if I had been using it
On the keyhole in the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
As if I had been using it
On the keyhole in the door.

Be warned by this, young sailormen
And listen unto me,
What I caught then, no fishermen
Have ever caught at sea
Beware the pox, the hidden rocks,
That lie in wait ashore,
It's safer far to bend your spar
In the keyhole in the door.

Chorus
The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
It's safer far to bend your spar
In the keyhole in the door.

ONE MORE TIME

The keyhole in the door,
My boys, the keyhole in the door
It's safer far to bend your spar
In the keyhole in the door.


sung to "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

My Father makes book on the corner,
My Mother makes second hand gin
My sister makes love for a tuppence
My God how the money rolls in!

Chorus:
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God, how the money rolls in, rolls in,
Rolls in, rolls in
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Brother’s a poor missionary
He saves fallen women from sin
He’ll save you a blonde for a shilling
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Uncle’s an artist and painter;
He turns out a beautiful fin
He sells them ten cents on the dollar
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Aunt is a boarding-house keeper,
She takes little working girls in
They put a red light in the window
My God, how the money rolls in.

My Grandma sells cheap prophylactics
She punctures the heads with a pin
For Grandpa gets rich from abortions
My God, how the money rolls in.

Yeahp these were it naughty songs with plenty of innuendo.

[Kane0]

Heh.

I've been the wild rover for many's a year
And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer
And now I'm returning with gold in great store
And I never will play the wild rover no more

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I went to an alehouse I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent
I asked her for credit, she answered me "Nay"
Saying "Custom like yours I can have any day"

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight
She said "I have whiskeys and wines of the best
And I'll take yeh upstairs and show you the rest."

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more

I go back to me parents, confess what I've done,
And ask them to pardon their prodigal son.
And if they caress me as oft times before,
Then never will I play the wild rover no more.

And it's no, nay, never!
No, nay, never, no more
Will I play the wild rover
No, never, no more
(At least not till next week!)


Come to think of it most Irish folk songs wouldn't be much out of place.

[RazDelacroix]

Before I crash for the night, look up Do Virgins Taste Better & The Dragon's Retort (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HaIqixUjCk) on youtube!

[Ventruenox]

Heh, again.


There was a very nice lady who rolled in the grass, she said she'd roll over and show us her...
Diamonds and rubies, and a little white duck, she's going to teach us the right way to...
Bring up our children and teach them to knit, some men in the pasture are shovelling...
Hay for the horses and digging a ditch, that man over there is a son of a...
Very nice lady who rolled in the grass...(repeat)

Downside with those songs, you end up using a lot of time at the table. A few brief verses of an infinitely customizable song may suffice, so:


Chorus: Go roll your leg over, roll your leg over;
Roll your leg over the man in the moon.

The Guys Lines

If all the young ladies were little white rabbits
I'd be a hare and I'd teach 'em bad habits

If all the young ladies were sweet fruits and berries
I'd handle their melons and nibble their cherries

If all the young girls were like fish in a pool
I'd be a shark with a waterproof tool

If all the young girls were like cows in the pasture
I'd be a bull and fill them with rapture

If all the young girls were like mares in the stable
I'd be a stallion and show them I'm able

If all the young ladies were locks on a gate
I'd be a key and insert and rotate

I wish all the girls were like statues of Venus
I'd be a Greek with a petrified penis.

If all the young ladies were little red foxes
And I were a hunter I'd shoot up their boxes

If all the young girls were like trees in the forest
And I were a woodsman, I'd split their ****oris

If all the young girls were like telephone poles
I'd be a squirrel, stuff my nuts in their holes
(opt. I'd grab my red pecker to stick in their holes)

If all the young ladies were winds of the sea
I'd be a sail and I'd let them blow me

If all the young ladies were fish in the ocean,
I'd be a shark and I'd raise a commotion.

If all the young ladies were sheep in the clover,
I'd be a ram and I'm ram them all over.

If all the young ladies were birds in their nests
I'd be an egg and lie under their breasts

If all the young girls were like coals in the stoker
I'd be a fireman and shove in my poker

If all the young ladies belonged to the Horde
I'd be a yak herd and -never- be bored!

If all the young ladies were doors of stout wood
And I were a knocker I'd bang 'em up good

If all the young ladies were singing this song
It would be twice as bawdy, and six times as long!

If all them young ladies was wheels on a car,
Then I'd be the piston and go twice as far.

If all the young ladies were bats in a steeple
And I were a bat there'd be more bats than people

If all the young ladies were bells in a tower
And I were a sexton, I'd bang every hour

If all the young ladies were built like a shoe,
I'd be a foot and do what I could do.

If all the young girls were linear spaces,
And I were a vector, I'd aim for their bases.

If Lassies were wine glasses, and filled up with rum
A rub round the lips would make them all hum!

If all them young lassies were kittens with fur
I'd give all a good reason to pppuuurrr

If all of them lassies were statues of Venus,
I'd be equipped with a petrified penis.

I wish all the ladies was little white flowers,
And I was a bee, I’d suck them for hours

I wish all the ladies were moles in the grasses
And I were a mole, I’d smell the molasses

I wish all young lasses were like wine in a glass
Then I’d get so drunk, I’d fall on my ass

Ladies Verses

If all the young laddies were fine silks and laces
And I were an iron, I'd sit on their faces

I wish all the laddies were like pipes in the yard,
After I drained them they'd still remain hard.

If all the young laddies were coconuts sweet
I'd suck out their juices and chew on their meat

If all the young laddies were merry go rounds
I'd mount up and we'd go up and down

If all the young laddies were big wooden stairs
They'd go up mine and I'd go down theirs

If all the young laddies were bottles of beer
I'd give good head and they'd be of good cheer

If all the young laddies were ***** in the hay
I'd be a hen and I'd have a good lay

If all them young laddies were papier-mâché -able,
I'd have them, discard them; they’re biodegradable.

If all them young laddies were firemen bold,
I’d visit their station and slide down their pole.

If all of our laddies were skins of fine wine,
I’d go after yours once I’d finished off mine.
(You let me taste yours then I’ll let you taste mine)

If all them young laddies were flowers in the soil,
I’d water their roots; for long stems I would toil.

If laddies were washcloths with soap in my tub,
I’d lather all over and have a good scrub.

If all of them laddies would set down their mugs,
I’d quench all their thirsts with one taste from my jugs.

If all the young laddies were fire that scorches,
I’d be the flame and would heat up their torches.

If all them young laddies were puppies full grown,
I’d let them know where to bury their bone.

If all the young laddies were waves in the sea,
I’d stand on the shoreline and let them pound me.

For all those young laddies attempting to woo,
Your luck will improve if you bathe and shampoo
If all them young laddies were cones of ice cream
The was that I’d lick them just might seem obscene

To all the young laddies here's a word to the wise,
The lasses love tickling but what matters is size.

If all the young laddies were butchers so sweet,
I’d swing on their hooks and I’d pound on their meat

If all the young laddies had needles for *****,
When they gets to sewin’, you should beware their pricks.

If all the young laddies were planets in space,
And I were a rocket, I’d land on their face

If laddies were sailing in channels quite thin
I’d be the lighthouse and guide them all in

If all the young laddies were singing this song,
It'd be over too quick and be half as long...

If all the young laddies were singing this dity
it'd be twice as long, but just half as witty

If all them young laddies was milk in a cup
And I were a kitten, I’d lick them all up

If all them young laddies were economy cars,
And I were the fuel, with me they’d go far.

If laddies were watches in shiny gold cases,
Then I’d be the hands and sit on their faces

If all them young laddies were sweets and hard candy,
I’d suck on a few when I’s feeling randy

If all them young laddies were airplanes in flight,
I’d be the hanger and hold them all night

If all them young laddies were grapes in the sun,
I’d grab a big bunch; squeeze their juice one by one.

If all them young laddies were bakers of pies,
And I were the bread yeast, I’d make them all rise

If all them young laddies were potters of clay,
I’d sit on their wheels and rotate all day

If laddies were barrels of whiskey rye
I’d turn on their spigots and drink them all dry.

If laddies were clouds all fluffy and gray,
I’d be the wind and I’d blow them all day.

If all them young laddies were whales in the sea,
I’d be a minnow and let them eat me.
If all them young laddies were needles and pins
And I were the cushion, I’d hold their pricks in

If laddies were chocolates in which to indulge
I’d reach for the ones with the largest bulge

If laddies were knights in search of romances
I’d bed the ones with the longest lances

If all them young laddies were ball swinging wreckers,
We’d all be impressed by the strength of their peckers


I think my limerick collection would also keep levity with brevity, but a lot of those offend everyone.

[JakOfAllTirades]

Check out "The Scotsman" by Bryan Bowers on YouTube.

Also, "It's Hard To Be the Bard" from the Something Rotten soundtrack.

[Reynaert]

The naughtiest song I know is 'Three Dirty Goblins'. I think you can find many renditions if you google it.

[Knaight]

I'm not going to link this here or post lyrics, because it violates the profanity and explicit sexual material standards with flagrant joy in basically every line, but take a look at "The Good Ship Venus", keeping in mind the previous disclaimer. It's the single filthiest song I've heard, and I listen to garbage trashy music for fun the way other people watch bad movies.

[dehro]

How has nobody mentioned Nanny Ogg's repertoire??

[Sigreid]

The Town of Ballybay.

[KorvinStarmast]

I play two bards and have no naughty songs to sing,HEEEEEEEEEEEELP.
Oscar Brand put out a series of collections (Bawdy Sea shanties) some years ago that is still findable on the net.

Look up Rugby Songs. There are various collections. Bawdy.

20 years ago there was a band that did a lot of Renn Fairs called the Jolly Rogers. I think some of their stuff ended up going digital

One of my favorite songs for bawdy tavern settings is unfortunately not genre fitting; The Ballad of Eskimo Nell, which is set more to a wild west desperado setting than fantasy / swords and sorcery setting. It fits into the Rugby Songs category.

The engineer song about the great wheel can be adapted to a song about a gnome ...

[Armored Walrus]

I don't think the full lyrics ever come out in the books, but the Bear and the Maiden Fair from Song of Ice and Fire is a fine example.

[dehro]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pt0-gRrrpuw

[dehro]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwPveuJjp9k

mind you.. the actual song starts somewhere halfway through the video

[Angelalex242]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCnENNAPvSs

Look for other MWOW videos.

[Laserlight]

Just be mindful of the other players. At my table, I'd let some of these pass but some not.

[GlenSmash!]

I'm not going to link this here or post lyrics, because it violates the profanity and explicit sexual material standards with flagrant joy in basically every line, but take a look at "The Good Ship Venus", keeping in mind the previous disclaimer. It's the single filthiest song I've heard, and I listen to garbage trashy music for fun the way other people watch bad movies.

Well I just googled The Good Ship Venus lyrics and indeed it is profoundly foul.

Put a big warning label on this one: No innuendo here.

Consider Ye'selves warned.

[Sariel Vailo]

So yeah that one im gonna clear it with my group where im a pirate bard.

[Knaight]

Well I just googled The Good Ship Venus lyrics and indeed it is profoundly foul.

Put a big warning label on this one: No innuendo here.

Consider Ye'selves warned.

There's one line that technically fits the innuendo category. It's roughly the least subtle innuendo possible and it's pretty much only there because of the rhyme scheme working, but technically that makes one.

It's the sort of thing that only works with very, very specific groups.

[QuickLyRaiNbow]

Other options, not necessarily bawdy but appropriate for tavern settings from The Dubliners:

The Monto (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW0AQ6n4iJU)
Weila Weile Weila (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1orOl0dUeeo)
All For Me Grog (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpbuoMVRQ6A)
Home Boys Home (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOonkMLjRcw)
The Sick Note (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A)
Seven Drunken Nights (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CWIIoSf4nw)

[carrdrivesyou]

google the lyrics ANY Irish drinking song. Done and done

[Vogie]

There was a very nice lady who rolled in the grass, she said she'd roll over and show us her...
Diamonds and rubies, and a little white duck, she's going to teach us the right way to...
Bring up our children and teach them to knit, some men in the pasture are shovelling...
Hay for the horses and digging a ditch, that man over there is a son of a...
Very nice lady who rolled in the grass...(repeat)


Also, Bob Saget's Old English Folk Song...

[Efrate]

https://youtu.be/MZ35SOU9HTM

The drunk scotsman. Might have to adjust it slightly to be more campaign specific.

Also the pratchett video was amazing. Oh you naughty nanny og.

Most Irish drinking songs and a fair few sea shanties also fit the bill.

[Lupine]

There are some good lyrics in "bugger off." Would suggest. Good for combat too, and might get them to sing back and end combat if they know the lyrics

[samcifer]

"Going to play myself 'til morning,
Like a fiddler watching p***..."

[Swaoeaeieu]

underneath the scotsman's kilt is always good for a laugh.
so is the mermaid by great big sea.
not bawdy all the way, more of a punch line kinda song.

[Deathslayer7]

Ploughing a troll by miracle of sound. No cursing but funny.

[Lord Vukodlak]

Look up sixty minute man.

[archetypex]

"Gently Johnny", best known from the soundtrack to _The Wicker Man_. (The original, not the Nic Cage abomination.)

[Smitty Wesson]

The other Nanny Ogg song got mentioned, so I will throw in the Hedgehog Song:

http://www.lspace.org/fandom/songs/hedgehog-song.html