D&D "Love Line"

[Andre Fairchilde]

"...you're live..."

"....And welcome back. Today we are taking questions romance and relationship question from and for your D&D, or other role playing questions.

Has your character fallen in love with a beholder?

Does your beautfiul dryad girlfriend have a swarm of sprites that are just too much?

Is your paladin in danger of losing his status for getting affectionate in the confessional?

Is your boyfriend in the thieves guild, and they won't let him go adventuring with you without taking 72% of the dungeon haul?

If your romance question needs to be anonymous, don't be afraid to PM, otherwise, feel free to post questions here.

Ok, next caller..."

(OOC - These questions are NOT REAL QUESTIONS, AND THESE QUESTIONS ARE NOT REAL ANSWERS.)

[Trog]

Hi this is... um... Larry. Yeah.

Anyways, Trog was wondering how... :smalleek: Trog means... uh Larry was wondering if walking around without pants is a bad thing.

Larry. Not Trog...

This is Larry.

[Andre Fairchilde]

"Short answer is 'No.' The long answer is 'Yes.' Wearing pants is actually considered a social faux paus in many cultures. Best answer is 'Probably' unless you don't wear pants, then probably not.

However, if...er... Larry is the host of a talk show, then perhaps a a little decorum (just a little) might be in order.

When in the Troglydyte capital, do as the Troglydyte's do.

Basically, if your significant other's parents (or other prospective in-law's) wear pants, it may be a good thing to wear pants. Unless he/she is rebelling from her family....

Anyway, next question...

[The Vorpal Tribble]

hello Funny Voice Of Man Who Know Things! Wife, She Tell Ungh, No Throw Rock With Buddy, You Clean Roc Crap Off Cave! Ungh No Like Roc Crap! All Ungh Must Do Is Divert River, Wash Away. Easy For Her To Say.

Then When Come Dark Ungh Then Try Get Wife For Fun Time! She Say OK, But Not So Fun! She Eat Off Ungh Head! It Grow Back She Say. Oh, That Alright For Her, But Ungh, He Not Remember Fun Time After Head Grow. What Ungh Do?

[CurlyKitGirl]

"Hi I'm Silvania and my friend, like, has a problem. She is called Savvannahh and she's like, 16 you know, and she kind of like, likes an elf, but the elf is like, one of those, like hermaphrodities you know, and like, she was wondering what was like, the best way to find out if he's like a boy.

Oh, and I'd like to like, say hi to everyone at CG Svhool For Sourcerers and Sourceresses. I love you sweetie! You know who I'm talking to."

[Andre Fairchilde]

hello Funny Voice Of Man Who Know Things! Wife, She Tell Ungh, No Throw Rock With Buddy, You Clean Roc Crap Off Cave! Ungh No Like Roc Crap! All Ungh Must Do Is Divert River, Wash Away. Easy For Her To Say.

Then When Come Dark Ungh Then Try Get Wife For Fun Time! She Say OK, But Not So Fun! She Eat Off Ungh Head! It Grow Back She Say. Oh, That Alright For Her, But Ungh, He Not Remember Fun Time After Head Grow. What Ungh Do?


(Producer casts Comprehend Languages, but won't take effect till next round)

Ok! First - I hate to do this, but must make the assumption that you are a troll. You may have another problem - if you other head wasn't eaten by your wife, it may regenerate into another you! If that is the case, then ask the other you - or you #2 (or #3 if this has happened before) what kind of fun time you had. You will both have an interest in 'covering' for each other - it'll be easier to remember birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Also, you can trade off who has to clean the Roc...stuff, and who get's to go throw the rocks! Good luck!

[Skippy]

"Hi... Um... I was just wondering... I want to multiclass next level, but I was wondering if there is a class that attracts girls... Which class do you think would be better? I'm a Lv. 3 Sorcerer Human, Lawful Neutral."

[Reinboom]

"Hello, this is Reina and Reina.
We've been struggling to figure out, and pulling out our own hair and fur over it, how to handle a situation. You see, we share the same body, y'know, something like a tibbit, and uhm, one of us has seemingly fallen into attraction of someone else.... and uh... one of us don't really like this person all that much an—You're a cat, cat's don't fall in love with hu—shush!
Please help.."

[Andre Fairchilde]

"Hi I'm Silvania and my friend, like, has a problem. She is called Savvannahh and she's like, 16 you know, and she kind of like, likes an elf, but the elf is like, one of those, like hermaphrodities you know, and like, she was wondering what was like, the best way to find out if he's like a boy.

Oh, and I'd like to like, say hi to everyone at CG Svhool For Sourcerers and Sourceresses. I love you sweetie! You know who I'm talking to."

You are *always* safe assuming that Elves are all girls.

The simple answer is to simply ask. Although I spent a long time as a Rogue, I've found it'a always easier to just *ask* the difficult question than living life in a situation comedy.

But life is full of comlicated societal norms - not all boys stand to, uh... stand and not all girls (or elves) sit to, uh, sit. But, a good bet is finding a Gem of True Seeing, or a ring of X-Ray vision to check under their... oh, nevermind.

Just ask.

[FoE]

Hi, I'm the Face of Evil, servant of the Demon Princes and Purger of the Innocent. Recently, I've started seeing this human girl, whom shall remain anonymous. We've been dating for a couple weeks now. We get along great, we like all the same things (stealing, back-stabbing, thumbing our noses at civilized society, comic books, etc.) and we can talk for hours. All the people we torture say we're a regular Graz'zt and Igwillv, though we're not quite at their level of supreme Evil! :smallbiggrin:

But even though we get along great, I have no idea if we're compatible physically. See, we haven't actually ... done IT yet, you know what I mean?

I'm certainly attracted to her (she's incredibly friggin' sexy), but I'm worried she might be repulsed by me physically, since she's human and I'm certainly INhuman. (My most prominent characteristics are bat wings, a tail, red scales, horns, claws, fangs, etc.) She's never said anything like that, but I'm worried that my demonic nature might be the stumbling block between us ... consumating our relationship. :smallredface:

I feel like all my emotional needs are being met, but this demon has physical needs too! Tell me, how can I approach this subject with her? Should I even try? Should I just wait for things to run their course? Please, throw me a life preserver, I'm drowning in a sea of holy water over here!

[Xykon_Fan]

hello Funny Voice Of Man Who Know Things! Wife, She Tell Ungh, No Throw Rock With Buddy, You Clean Roc Crap Off Cave! Ungh No Like Roc Crap! All Ungh Must Do Is Divert River, Wash Away. Easy For Her To Say.

Then When Come Dark Ungh Then Try Get Wife For Fun Time! She Say OK, But Not So Fun! She Eat Off Ungh Head! It Grow Back She Say. Oh, That Alright For Her, But Ungh, He Not Remember Fun Time After Head Grow. What Ungh Do?

Okay, it sounds like your wife is into a little bit of sadism. She also enjoys dominating you. So...maybe you can ask her to make this deal with you, you're the dominant male outside of the bedroom, and she can bite off your head inside the bedroom. I mean, come on dude, it's what gets her going.

About the memory, I suggest you have your wife keep an Alter Memory wand around, she can then place the images back into your head. I believe you'll find that your performance actually increases as you are eaten...it is the way for most animals who have this problem.

[Andre Fairchilde]

"Hi... Um... I was just wondering... I want to multiclass next level, but I was wondering if there is a class that attracts girls... Which class do you think would be better? I'm a Lv. 3 Sorcerer Human, Lawful Neutral."


Hmmm. If you are a skilled sorcerer, you already have a decent charisma. I might recommend another class that keeps you out of the house or lab (not Wizard), or out of the forest (not Ranger). As a Duelist - I always recommend Rogues and Fighters. You gotta go where the girls *are* - and I'm not talking anout Medusae here. Stay out of the dungeons, and keep to the city adventures. Good luck to you! Also, meeting wenches in taverns get's you exactly that - wenches that hang out in taverns. Try to find a young noble lady - perhaps by breaking into her manor. That is another reason to favor the rogue - much more income than the sorcerer.

[Xykon_Fan]

"Hello, this is Reina and Reina.
We've been struggling to figure out, and pulling out our own hair and fur over it, how to handle a situation. You see, we share the same body, y'know, something like a tibbit, and uhm, one of us has seemingly fallen into attraction of someone else.... and uh... one of us don't really like this person all that much an—You're a cat, cat's don't fall in love with hu—shush!
Please help.."

Give psychotropic drugs to whichever one needs to not remember anything. This may be tricky, but if you are both of different races, find one that works around the immunities of the other and hits the one who needs to go to sleep. After this...I'm sure you can figure it out.

Another alternative method would be a simple "Soul Jar" spell...The thing with this is that you need to make sure that someone is definitely going to take you out again.

[Andre Fairchilde]

Hi, I'm the Face of Evil, servant of the Demon Princes and Purger of the Innocent. Recently, I've started seeing this human girl, whom shall remain anonymous. We've been dating for a couple weeks now. We get along great, we like all the same things (stealing, back-stabbing, thumbing our noses at civilized society, comic books, etc.) and we can talk for hours. All the people we torture say we're a regular Graz'zt and Igwillv, though we're not quite at their level of supreme Evil! :smallbiggrin:

But even though we get along great, I have no idea if we're compatible physically. See, we haven't actually ... done IT yet, you know what I mean?

I'm certainly attracted to her (she's incredibly friggin' sexy), but I'm worried she might be repulsed by me physically, since she's human and I'm certainly INhuman. (My most prominent characteristics are bat wings, a tail, red scales, horns, claws, fangs, etc.) She's never said anything like that, but I'm worried that my demonic nature might be the stumbling block between us ... consumating our relationship. :smallredface:

I feel like all my emotional needs are being met, but this demon has physical needs too! Tell me, how can I approach this subject with her? Should I even try? Should I just wait for things to run their course? Please, throw me a life preserver, I'm drowning in a sea of holy water over here!


"Hmm. Good challenge. And I'm sure you have a great challenge rating as well! Ha ha. By the way, say hello to Gra'zt, Loki sent me to stab him once. Well, I must confess I'm not sure what 'it' is. If your love is not repulsed by your behavior, she may not be repulsed by your personal image as well.

There may be an underlying self-image issue here. Perhaps you should speak to a professional about your self-image issues, as you seem to be lashing out and tortuing souls. As we have our own issues, we tend to attract those that have the same sorts of personal problems as we do.

If this is the case, and if she is not willing to accept you for who you are - both inside and outside as the beautiful toturer of souls, she may not be your perfect match. Sorry! But someone has to say what needs to be said.

Otherwise try either Polymorph Self, or Polymorph Other. Use Permancy if you want too.. although I don't recommend it. I tried that once and... never mind. You don't want to know.



Next caller...

[FoE]

Before André hangs up...

Well, I don't think it's because we're not right for each other. The thought of breaking up would just absolutely kill me ... I don't think even slaughtering an entire city or sacrificing a thousand virgin princesses would cheer me up after that. :smallfrown:

I think you might be right about the self-image thing. I even remember on our first date her saying that she thought demons were really sexy. Maybe I've been the one holding back because I'm so self-conscious about my horns. They're nowhere near as prominent as some other demons.

Thanks for your advice, Fairchilde. If you ever have the misfortune of meeting me in the dark alley, I'll make sure to leave at least one of your eyes in their sockets.

P.S. I've got a friend who's a ghost, and she's got a similar problem — she's met this really awesome mortal guy (they met just before she died) who she's head over heels in love with, but she can't touch him because of her energy-draining touch. Are they doomed?

[Andre Fairchilde]

Before André hangs up...

Well, I don't think it's because we're not right for each other. We're both pretty evil, and the thought of breaking up would just absolutely kill me ... I don't think even slaughtering an entire city or sacrificing a thousand virgin princesses would cheer me up after that. :smallfrown:

I think you might be right about the self-image thing. I even remember on our first date her saying that she thought demons were sexy. Maybe I've been the one holding back because I'm so self-conscious about my horns. They're nowhere near as long as some other demons.

Thanks for your advice, Fairchilde. If you ever have the misfortune of meeting me in the dark alley, I'll make sure to leave at least one of your eyes in their sockets.

P.S. I've got a ghost friend with a similar problem — she's met this really awesome mortal guy who she's head over heels in love with, but she can't touch him because of her energy-draining touch. Are they doomed?


Ha ha! Depends on who has inititative! Ha ha, uhm (clears throat) Well, i recommend exploring your thoughts and feelings about your own behaviors. Try asking "How am I really feeling? What do I really feel? And just know, that you choose your feelings and emotion - not the other way around. I hope you become a much more productive torturer in your office!

Regarding your ghost friend, has she though of killing her mortal lover? That is the easiest way for them to join together in the afterlife. Otherwise, perhaps the mortal can have her resurrected? Another thought is perhaps for him to pursue a career in Necromancy. If his only girlfriend is a ghost, it's not like he'll be meeting a lot of normal ladies like the party rogue.... 'cause girls like money and stuff.

Something else may be for the mortal man to join a character class that offers a great save against the touch attack. Tell him good luck, and would love to hear how the advice works.

And that goes for all the advice I give, I looove follow up calls!

[MandibleBones]

Dear André,

I'm in a bit of a moral dilemma with my lady love. Now, as you know, we kobolds tend to mate only amongst our own kind, and I am no exception. However, my own paragon self notwithstanding, most kobolds are frail things.

The other day, as I was off sinking the Black Dragon No. 919 (almost there! ALMOST THERE!), my beautiful scaled love got caught in the blast radius of a sound burst spell, and it turns out that's pretty fatal.

So, having gathered her corpse, I'm unsure of what to do. Being as she was a 1st-level warrior as most Kobolds are (But not just that! NOT TO ME!), raising her from the dead is right out - and she was lacking in the hit dice to make any sort of sentient undead a viable option.

So what's a poor, mourning kobold pirate to do? I mean, there's plenty of other kobolds in the sea, but they're just as fragile (and none of them are her) - and plus, you see, I'm going to be a god soon, and does that mean I have to find some other god-dragon-kobold to shack up with or what?

It's all very confusing, especially for one who's only living parent was a self-centered black dragon with no time for his kids. Worked himself to death, he did, right onto the end of a paladin's lance.

Anyway, get back to me when you can. I've got to go see a man about a boat.

[Xykon_Fan]

Ha ha! Depends on who has inititative! Ha ha, uhm (clears throat) Well, i recommend exploring your thoughts and feelings about your own behaviors. Try asking "How am I really feeling? What do I really feel? And just know, that you choose your feelings and emotion - not the other way around. I hope you become a much more productive torturer in your office!

Regarding your ghost friend, has she though of killing her mortal lover? That is the easiest way for them to join together in the afterlife. Otherwise, perhaps the mortal can have her resurrected? Another thought is perhaps for him to pursue a career in Necromancy. If his only girlfriend is a ghost, it's not like he'll be meeting a lot of normal ladies like the party rogue.... 'cause girls like money and stuff.

Something else may be for the mortal man to join a character class that offers a great save against the touch attack. Tell him good luck, and would love to hear how the advice works.

And that goes for all the advice I give, I looove follow up calls!


If I can chime in real fast...
Have him look into soul binding. I believe there are some Vestiges that allow immunity against negative energy attacks. There are a bunch of templates dude, just pick one and run with it...or...you know...what you're planning on doing with it.

[CurlyKitGirl]

Dear André,

I'm in a bit of a moral dilemma with my lady love. Now, as you know, we kobolds tend to mate only amongst our own kind, and I am no exception. However, my own paragon self notwithstanding, most kobolds are frail things.

The other day, as I was off sinking the Black Dragon No. 919 (almost there! ALMOST THERE!), my beautiful scaled love got caught in the blast radius of a sound burst spell, and it turns out that's pretty fatal.

So, having gathered her corpse, I'm unsure of what to do. Being as she was a 1st-level warrior as most Kobolds are (But not just that! NOT TO ME!), raising her from the dead is right out - and she was lacking in the hit dice to make any sort of sentient undead a viable option.

So what's a poor, mourning kobold pirate to do? I mean, there's plenty of other kobolds in the sea, but they're just as fragile (and none of them are her) - and plus, you see, I'm going to be a god soon, and does that mean I have to find some other god-dragon-kobold to shack up with or what?

It's all very confusing, especially for one who's only living parent was a self-centered black dragon with no time for his kids. Worked himself to death, he did, right onto the end of a paladin's lance.

Anyway, get back to me when you can. I've got to go see a man about a boat.

"Hi, I'm one of our hosts and I'm here to help.
Firstly, if you did truly love her then you won't want to keep 'fishing in the sea'; secondly, if you are a few days from Godhood then you'll have the power to ressurrect her and bestow upon her whatever she wishes.
If you aren't becoming a god soon and she is unable to be resurrected or become sentient undead have you thought about normal undead. Then all you have to do is summon her soul and lodge it within her bady.
The rotting would become a problem though, so you'll have to find some anti-corruption spells.
"It all depends on how far you're willing to go to bring her back.
"Next caller..."

[Andre Fairchilde]

'... For those new to the show, I'd like to take a few moments to introduce the panel members. To my right is Xykon Fan, to my left is CurlyKitGirl. Also on the panel is Indurain, our expert on humanoid mating rituals. Each panel member brings great aspects and perspectives to this call in show.

Also, callers - if you want to chime in to a problem or if you have a personal experience by all means chime in!

Now back to the calls..."

(OOC - If you'd like to add your own comment, or would like to be a panel member for a future show, please let me know. Depending on popularity, these 'daily' episodes will last a full week, from Monday - Friday, and another thread will start the next week.)

[I'm da Rogue!]

Dear André,

I have a serious problem.
See, I'm a rogue, the one of those sneaky guys who like to role-play a lot. I'm a human rogue, as you can see.

I've been going out with a guy, and he's... uhm.. a demon.

My friends think that we're not good for each other but we always have fun together, talk about everything, although having different time zones, been to a lot of missions together etc.

We had issues in the beggining because he was Lawful Evil and I was Chaotic Neutral (with good tendencies), but we tried to improve ourselves. So he became chaotic for me and I sometimes become evil for his entertainment (hehe).

The point is, he's a beast. And I have a good Charisma score, which makes him feel ugly. And he doesn't make the "move", if you know what I mean.:smallwink:
How can I tell him that I find him really hot and all that, and I think that we're great together, although he has horns and a tail? How can I tell him I really really like him?

He's said he finds my sneak-attacks quite sexy and I must admit he's hot when he's torturing paladins. But how can I make him come closer, without him thinking I am a slut?

Please help me.

~da Rogue.

[blackout]

Uh, yeah, this is...Josh. Yeah. Anyways, for some reason, my girlfriend freaked out when this guy who was trying to flirt with her got mentally dominated by me, and then marched out into traffic during rush hour. I'm a Psion, by the way, a Telepath. Uh, he got hit by a truck, and, ever since, she's been avoiding me. How can I get her to realize what I did was in her best interests?

[Pwenet]

Dead Andre and Staff,

Me have issues.

Me peasant. Me fight. Me kill great men. Me get wounded. Me get proud marks of honor. Me gained blind vision in one eye. Yet me can't get woman. Woman run from me screaming in terror. You help me?

Sincerely,
Me

[Andre Fairchilde]

Dear André,

I have a serious problem.
See, I'm a rogue, the one of those sneaky guys who like to role-play a lot. I'm a human rogue, as you can see.

I've been going out with a guy, and he's... uhm.. a demon.

My friends think that we're not good for each other but we always have fun together, talk about everything, although having different time zones, been to a lot of missions together etc.

We had issues in the beggining because he was Lawful Evil and I was Chaotic Neutral (with good tendencies), but we tried to improve ourselves. So he became chaotic for me and I sometimes become evil for his entertainment (hehe).

The point is, he's a beast. And I have a good Charisma score, which makes him feel ugly. And he doesn't make the "move", if you know what I mean.:smallwink:
How can I tell him that I find him really hot and all that, and I think that we're great together, although he has horns and a tail? How can I tell him I really really like him?

He's said he finds my sneak-attacks quite sexy and I must admit he's hot when he's torturing paladins. But how can I make him come closer, without him thinking I am a slut?

Please help me.

~da Rogue.

Uh, hmm. (Looks at previous notes.) You know... we just got another call like that....

Well, it sounds like your significant other may have some self-esteem issues that is clouding your relationship. My recommendation is to compliment him, an make him feel loved. You see, 'love' is a verb. It's an action word - it's not a thing that we have, but it's something that must be expressed for it to be of value. Your significant other more than likely had a difficult childhood and has several demanding bosses - all of which more than likely make him a little stressed. Living in a less than pleasant location may also have something to do with it.

Perhaps you can have your significant other Gated somewhere where you can share your hobbies - The King's Treasure Room, a nursery school, or Greyhawk City. I personally LOOOVE Greyhawk City. Or, if you have a recommendation - Verbonoc; I hate their football team...

Next caller..."

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

Uh... yeah, this is... some guy, Ruler of Thanatos in the depths of the Abyss!! *Cough* Ungh.. um, yeah. I may or may not be a vicious, undeathly demon lord but here's my love problem. I am... Well, Chaotic Evil and I'm persueing an... eladrin... *Cough* and she's, well, Chaotic Good. How do I have her enjoy the evening without her whining about all the babies I kill and undead horrors I bring forth? They seem like hot button issues for her... I got advice from some friends, right before screaming out in agony and fear, that I should destroy her and feast on her festering corpse... So I just don't know what to do. *Cough*

-Orcu-Er... some...guy

[CurlyKitGirl]

Uh, yeah, this is...Josh. Yeah. Anyways, for some reason, my girlfriend freaked out when this guy who was trying to flirt with her got mentally dominated by me, and then marched out into traffic during rush hour. I'm a Psion, by the way, a Telepath. Uh, he got hit by a truck, and, ever since, she's been avoiding me. How can I get her to realize what I did was in her best interests?

"You killed someone who was having fun! You deserve to have her treat you horribly for a while. Apologise, be nice and don't mentally dominate someone for a while. Unless it's a nice romantic gift of course.":smallwink:

[CurlyKitGirl]

Dead Andre and Staff,

Me have issues.

Me peasant. Me fight. Me kill great men. Me get wounded. Me get proud marks of honor. Me gained blind vision in one eye. Yet me can't get woman. Woman run from me screaming in terror. You help me?

Sincerely,
Me

"Are you an Orc or Troll. Is yes talk to Ocr and Troll women. Human women don't like Orc men. Especially ones who are battle scarred."

[Andre Fairchilde]

Dead Andre and Staff,

Me have issues.

Me peasant. Me fight. Me kill great men. Me get wounded. Me get proud marks of honor. Me gained blind vision in one eye. Yet me can't get woman. Woman run from me screaming in terror. You help me?

Sincerely,
Me


Congratulations on surviving the battle, and thank you for serving...uh... whatever country you were serving. Unless we were at war with you. My recommedation is to take off the Ring of Terror you took as the prize from the enemy general.

[Pwenet]

"Are you an Orc or Troll. Is yes talk to Ocr and Troll women. Human women don't like Orc men. Especially ones who are battle scarred."

Me human!

Me from poor village. Me drafted into big war. Me won war, killed big lord!


Congratulations on surviving the battle, and thank you for serving...uh... whatever country you were serving. Unless we were at war with you. My recommedation is to take off the Ring of Terror you took as the prize from the enemy general.

What 'ring of terror'? Sword? Mace? Spiky thing of doom?

[CurlyKitGirl]

"Spiky thing of Doom obviously. And get an Owls Wisdom scroll cast on you."

[Andre Fairchilde]

Uh... yeah, this is... some guy, Ruler of Thanatos in the depths of the Abyss!! *Cough* Ungh.. um, yeah. I may or may not be a vicious, undeathly demon lord but here's my love problem. I am... Well, Chaotic Evil and I'm persueing an... eladrin... *Cough* and she's, well, Chaotic Good. How do I have her enjoy the evening without her whining about all the babies I kill and undead horrors I bring forth? They seem like hot button issues for her... I got advice from some friends, right before screaming out in agony and fear, that I should destroy her and feast on her festering corpse... So I just don't know what to do. *Cough*

-Orcu-Er... some...guy

Wow. We sure are having a lot of...wonderful... calls from the netherworlds tonight! But keep them coming! By the way, Loki says to Orcus that you still owe him for that whole Zeus / Thor thing... anyhoo...

It sounds like the relationship may split over your hobbies. Sometimes we have hobbies that we're either embarrassed to share (cough...like Warhammer Fantasy Battles) or some form of game where there is no gambling involved but everybody has books, paper and little dice.

Maybe you should look for someone else - sorry to say it, but someone has to!

My recommendation is to find someone that is into the same kinds of hobbies as you are, otherwise she'll spend the entire relationship trying to change you... you'll spend the relationship trying to please her.... it's just not a good picture.

[de-trick]

I'm Blaze the fire elemental, I've been on a online dating site and met another elemental great sweet, I get to have a girlfriend, but then we wanted to connect physically, I was nervous but what the hell I went for it


But when I met her she was a water element, what is a fire elemental to do

[Xykon_Fan]

I'm Blaze the fire elemental, I've been on a online dating site and met another elemental great sweet, I get to have a girlfriend, but then we wanted to connect physically, I was nervous but what the hell I went for it


But when I met her she was a water element, what is a fire elemental to do

Ring of fire protection, ring of water protection...altogether, I hope you have a steamy night.

[Andre Fairchilde]

Ring of fire protection, ring of water protection...altogether, I hope you have a steamy night.


(Awsome! Simply awsome!)

[Vespe Ratavo]

Um...anyway, this is kind of an embarrassing question... :smalleek: I'm attracted to this girl I know, but the problem is that we're from different game systems...I think she's a D&D...and I'm a GURPS...I'm not sure what to do... should I convert? I don't know if D&D will really work for me... Or do some kind of free-form thing? Help...

[Xykon_Fan]

Well, the beauty of GURPS is in its name..."Universal." It walks both sides of the street...or all four of the intersection...there are too many systems for the analogy to work...hmmm.

Either way, the beauty of it is that you can meld into her world.

Is she willing to convert to GURPS? She could still maintain contact with family & friends in Torel. Even more so, ask her on romantic dates to futuristic science-fiction realities on moons of Saturn. That should convince her. Does she have lower or higher than average stats? Because if she was rolled particularly well, she may have more of a problem with converting, but if she's average or below, she may really enjoy the conversion.

[Andre Fairchilde]

Um...anyway, this is kind of an embarrassing question... :smalleek: I'm attracted to this girl I know, but the problem is that we're from different game systems...I think she's a D&D...and I'm a GURPS...I'm not sure what to do... should I convert? I don't know if D&D will really work for me... Or do some kind of free-form thing? Help...

Fantastic question! There are a few alternatives! First the gods (or gamemaster) may be kind enough to include one or the other into the system with little or no real conversion. This would be the 'free-form' answer.

There are conversion charts - for example GURPS and D&D attributes are fairly similar - granted, GURPS only has four attributes, but there is beauty in simplicity.

Attributes for the different systems are similar, but skills and combat systems will get take some getting used to. For her, for example - she may be very pleased with having a defensive response (i.e. dodge) and Damage Resistance for armor will be pleasant surprises, but a single combat with 10 opponents will take 7 hours of real time to resolve 16 seconds of game time... she may not like that too much.

Perhaps you can both try a different system, like Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, that has components for both. But if you truly do love this other girl, and there is a future, you probably should be in the same multiverse somehow.

[FoE]

Thanks for your advice, CurlyKitGirl, Xykon Fan and especially Fairchilde! I've reached a place now where I'm feeling pretty confident about myself, and I'm pretty sure that in our next role-playing encounter, when my wounds are finished healing, my love and I will definitely see some sparks fly...:smallwink:

My ghost friend appreciated your tips. See, she fell in love with this other adventurer just before she died, and she was really new to the whole "being undead" thing. She's followed your advice, and let's just say there's a fighter somewhere suddenly taking a level in necromancy ...

OK, I've got another situation that concerns a friend. Well, a friend of a friend. It's an Eberron-centric situation, and even though I've never been there, I used to be pen pals when I was a bit younger with an imp named Gnaar who's serving the Lords of Dust. We still catch up now and then, even though inter-dimensional communication is a real bitch to manage.

Anyway, Gnaar's been pressed into servitude by this mortal sorceror (who hasn't been there, right?), which is how he comes to know this warforged named Clank. Clank happens to be in the same party as this sorceror, along with this artificer named Kara.

So Clank's the fighter, and he's always charging ahead into battle and getting smashed up. It's Kara's job to fix Clank when he gets damaged, which is pretty often. I guess this involves spending long amounts of time together.

Anyway, somehow Kara's fallen in love with poor Clank, who was apparently bewildered by her lovestruck admission. As I understand it, warforged are basically pretty new to the world, and he's never run into anything like this. (I guess warforged don't have the same needs as organic beings, although they are sentient.) That said, he's eager to explore this new experience.

(Incidentally, Gnaar and Clank are pretty good friends, which is how he knows this.)

My imp friend was telling me all this and I was absolutely dumbfounded. Maybe there's some way he can get a ... you know ... but how the hell is a construct supposed to learn about romantic love, or even grasp the concept?

Since you've given me such good advice, maybe I can pass it on Gnaar the next time I contact him, which will be in a few days. Or maybe this will be the question that finally stumps you guys. :smallbiggrin:

[adanedhel9]

Dear Andre,

My lady friend and I have been adventuring together for quite some time now. We met while stranded in Acheron, and we fell in love while traveling from dungeon to dungeon. We've been in plenty of tight spots together, but we've always managed our way out. I've always seen these moments as bringing us closer, and the rewards - both emotional and physical - have always been worth it.

However, a couple months ago she learned how to cast teleport. Now, we teleport everywhere we go, and whenever the situation gets a little sticky, she teleports us back to our home. While I appreciate the convenience and her survival insticts, I miss out on the fun and rewards, and I'm getting flak from our companions about escaping at inopportune moments.

What's worse, I think we've lost some of the closeness that the travel and life-or-death situations have always brought before. We are fighting more, and our love-life has gone downhill. She's even started to complain about humanity again, something she hasn't done since we started dating.

So, my question to you is: can our love survive this one little spell?

Loday Irashand

[Totally Guy]

This isn't really a love question but I'm a tenth level Bard with a problem. I tend to get hurt a lot, turned to stone, hit by traps... I just walk into them. The problem is that we killed the Lawful Evil BBEG but I was disintegrated in the process and I think that's meant to kill the soul as well but I still managed to be ressurrected by a kind cleric as thanks for saving the town.

I've lost my groove. Beyond that I'm finding it difficult to do good deeds like I used to do, it's not that I don't want to help people but my imagination has gone all black and white and I can't visualise helping very well. As well as this I am unable to gain levels in Bard anymore.

Maybe my soul was damaged, what can I do about it... please keep in mind I'm interpreting advice in an evil kind of way at the moment so please don't be vague. I don't want to be a bad person.

I've had a bit to drink this evening and this describes an idea I've had for what my NG Bard does after the campaign is over.

[Andre Fairchilde]

My imp friend was telling me all this and I was absolutely dumbfounded. Maybe there's some way he can get a ... you know ... but how is a construct supposed to learn about affection, or even grasp the concept?

Since you've given me such good advice, maybe I can pass it on Gnaar the next time I contact him, which will be in a few days. Or maybe this will be the question that finally stumps you guys. :smallbiggrin:

Our panel appreciates the challenge! Affection and personal emotion at large is a problem for all constructs. This is also a similar with robots (D20 Modern) and other constructs from Gamma World.

One theory that I have seen posited by another advice columnist (http://www.askdreldritch.com/index.html) has been that our emotions, feelings and memories are a collection and combination of our synapses other brain chemicals all firing off at the same time. Our consideration of color, time, and feelings may actually be directly related to a mathmatical formula. But I digress.

With sentience, your friend's construct very likely will learn and develop emotion. But be warned, with love also comes loss and eventual emotional pain.

My biggest recommendation is for your Imp pen-pal to not be around when the Construct and Artificier actually break up (if they do). Otherwise, she should hopefully find some way for him to understand the complexities of emotion and affection. Hopefully without him physically killing her.

[SurlySeraph]

Good day. You may refer to me as Marshall. Um. Well, I'm a fairly high-level paladin, in the Interplanar Order for Disciples of All Righteous Deities, and - Sune help me, this is so painful to talk about. Sorry. So, my last girlfriend was a member of my order and she - well, she fell, and it's really my fault that she did. I eventually tracked her down and sent her to the Abyss to pay for her treason against the Order, but I haven't been able to bring myself to date anyone since then. In fact, I've spent pretty much all of my time between missions praying and training in various monasteries. I've decided that I need to get over it and start dating again, but I don't really know how to get started anymore. It's sort of hard to meet girls in the monastery, I never really have time to meet anyone when I'm on missions, and I'm afraid to date other members of the Interplanar Order because - yeah. Sorry. Because I might make - they might - Pelor forgive me for - sorry.

Anyway, you get the picture. How do I get back into the dating scene?

[heretic]

"So, I've been a barbarian for a long time, but recently I've opened a very respectable bakery and I'm generally reigned in compared to my earlier testosterone-fueled rampage days. Anyway, I've lately been having trouble, er, lifting the ol' greatsword, if you know what I mean. Like, it hurts. My missus likes a little battle-fury in the bedroom and I'd be able to toss out three or four Rages a day, but now it just feels like I'm fatigued all the time without even raging at all. My question is whether my steady business and gentlemen manners have made my alignment shift away from what my old ideals and if so, would that effect my "raging" ability at all. Also, I'm due to level soon, and I can take Extra Rage if I want. Would that help? Thanks, Stryk--er, Andre."

[Andre Fairchilde]

Dear Andre,

My lady friend and I have been adventuring together for quite some time now. We met while stranded in Acheron, and we fell in love while traveling from dungeon to dungeon. We've been in plenty of tight spots together, but we've always managed our way out. I've always seen these moments as bringing us closer, and the rewards - both emotional and physical - have always been worth it.

However, a couple months ago she learned how to cast teleport. Now, we teleport everywhere we go, and whenever the situation gets a little sticky, she teleports us back to our home. While I appreciate the convenience and her survival insticts, I miss out on the fun and rewards, and I'm getting flak from our companions about escaping at inopportune moments.

What's worse, I think we've lost some of the closeness that the travel and life-or-death situations have always brought before. We are fighting more, and our love-life has gone downhill. She's even started to complain about humanity again, something she hasn't done since we started dating.

So, my question to you is: can our love survive this one little spell?

Loday Irashand

Being a Rogue/Fighter/Duelist I'd never really been a spellcaster until Loki called upon me to be his living incarnation of chaos (Paladin), and those were only flame spells and Alter Self. This is a very interesting situation, the danger of the situation drives you together, but without the shared experience of danger, the relationship slows.

Other aspects of the relationship are fine, but the loss of danger - the rush - is depriving you of some of your passion.

Perhaps there is another way you can rekindle your passion. You may need to ask for some personal space - or perhaps that's something she needs for you as well. Also, it's ok to ask her ahead of time to 'not' teleport home, but perhaps just outside the dungeon, or even just one level back up for some quick R&R (Restudy and Regeneration). Your partner may not even realize the problem is with the teleportation spell, or there may be other underlying issues if she is complaining about humanity again.

For the record I classify this as a 'workplace romance.'

A final solution may be finding two separate parties (workplaces) to adventure with, but meet up between the adventures. If she has teleport, she may just come running TO you, not AWAY with you...

Good Luck!

[Andre Fairchilde]

This isn't really a love question but I'm a tenth level Bard with a problem. I tend to get hurt a lot, turned to stone, hit by traps... I just walk into them. The problem is that we killed the Lawful Evil BBEG but I was disintegrated in the process and I think that's meant to kill the soul as well but I still managed to be ressurrected by a kind cleric as thanks for saving the town.

I've lost my groove. Beyond that I'm finding it difficult to do good deeds like I used to do, it's not that I don't want to help people but my imagination has gone all black and white and I can't visualise helping very well. As well as this I am unable to gain levels in Bard anymore.

Maybe my soul was damaged, what can I do about it... please keep in mind I'm interpreting advice in an evil kind of way at the moment so please don't be vague. I don't want to be a bad person.

I've had a bit to drink this evening and this describes an idea I've had for what my NG Bard does after the campaign is over.

" (Fantastic Idea) Most adventurers come to realize how quickly the mortal coil can be shed, and then be returned at the whim of a god's servant.

Did you receive grief consuling upon your Resurrection? The out-patient counseling process is usually mandatory for clerics of such gods as Pelor, St. Cuthbert, and believe it or not Wee Jas. What was the divine being of the cleric that resurrected your character? I'd be a little wary if it was Nerull, or even Thardizun (shudder). When you are returned from the dead (aren't we all?) it's not usually in the resurrecting god's interest to allow you to 'go evil'.

Seeing life in pure black and white terms is not neccessarily bad. If you've gone 'lawful' part of your out-patient resurrection therapy may include new occupational skills compatible with your new mind-set. If you'd like to find traps without setting them off, I recommend Rogue, and if you like fortitude saves I might recommend Fighter. If you like, I may even recommend Ranger, as that combines some magic use, some fighting, and some sneaking. A true Urban Commando - the Bard/Ranger!

[Andre Fairchilde]

Good day. You may refer to me as Marshall. Um. Well, I'm a fairly high-level paladin, in the Interplanar Order for Disciples of All Righteous Deities, and - Sune help me, this is so painful to talk about. Sorry. So, my last girlfriend was a member of my order and she - well, she fell, and it's really my fault that she did. I eventually tracked her down and sent her to the Abyss to pay for her treason against the Order, but I haven't been able to bring myself to date anyone since then. In fact, I've spent pretty much all of my time between missions praying and training in various monasteries. I've decided that I need to get over it and start dating again, but I don't really know how to get started anymore. It's sort of hard to meet girls in the monastery, I never really have time to meet anyone when I'm on missions, and I'm afraid to date other members of the Interplanar Order because - yeah. Sorry. Because I might make - they might - Pelor forgive me for - sorry.

Anyway, you get the picture. How do I get back into the dating scene?


Well, don't mean to answer a question with a question - but how long were you seeing her? And, why are you beating yourself up over the fact she fell?

First of all, there's two ratio's I use. The first is - NEVER date someone younger than half your age + 9 years. That is the cut off. But I digress.

The second is, depending on how deep the relationship was, it often takes about half as long again to heal yourself afterwards. For example, say you were dating for two years, it may take 1 year to recover fully. This is not scientific, although the Clerics of Aphrodite may disagree. Trust me - THEY do have it down to a science.

Anyway, first of all it depends on how long you were together.

The second aspect is entirely up to you.

You do know it's not your fault she fell, don't you? She did have free will to make her own choice, right? As a believer of Pelor, and I assume she was also a Paladin of Pelor - she's the one that made the choice to betray the faith not you. It's not your fault that she fell.

Until you realize that, you may be carrying this burden for a while.

I HIGHLY recommend speaking with a (or a multidude of) clerics of Aphrodite, perhaps their counsel can help you.

[Last_resort_33]

Hi, I'm a male human fighter, I'd prefer not to give my name.

I have a problem. The thing is that I really like the elven wizard in our party. I really like him but I don't know how to tell him and I don't know if I could 'come out' to the rest of the party and how to do it. How to I tell the elf, what do I say to him? Will he hate me if he finds out that I have feelings for him? Also, I have a problem in what do I do about my DM? he disapproves of relationships within parties ever since... the incident...

I'm surrounded by friends... BUT I FEEL SO LONELY!
*sob*

[smellie_hippie]

Hi loveline! Longtime listener, first time caller. I have an embarrassing question.

I'm a dwarf, and you know I likes to get my beer on! It's an everytime drink! :smallbiggrin: Sooo anyways, I've been seeing this nice dwarf lass for months now. It's a monogamous thing, and we're pretty happy together. Anyhoo... I gets outta bed to toss a couple back b'fore heading to work in tha forge. Only problem is we outta beer! :smallmad: I'm already late fer work, so I drops a handful o' gold coins next to tha bed where me lass is still snoring. We I gets back from work, she tried to brain me wit me own hammer!! :smalleek: I ain't never seen a woman so pissed off! I canna figure out what happened...

Oh, a coupla other mentionables... Tha' night was tha first time we bumped uglies. Oh, an tha note fer using tha coins to buy beer... I fergot to leave it. :smallsigh: Can you guys help me out here?

p.s. Oh, and she did'na buy tha beer either! :smallyuk:

[Andre Fairchilde]

"So, I've been a barbarian for a long time, but recently I've opened a very respectable bakery and I'm generally reigned in compared to my earlier testosterone-fueled rampage days. Anyway, I've lately been having trouble, er, lifting the ol' greatsword, if you know what I mean. Like, it hurts. My missus likes a little battle-fury in the bedroom and I'd be able to toss out three or four Rages a day, but now it just feels like I'm fatigued all the time without even raging at all. My question is whether my steady business and gentlemen manners have made my alignment shift away from what my old ideals and if so, would that effect my "raging" ability at all. Also, I'm due to level soon, and I can take Extra Rage if I want. Would that help? Thanks, Stryk--er, Andre."

Hmm. Having trouble lifting your greatsword. Well there are a few options. The first might be resorting to either a belt of giant strength, or a ring of regeneration. The ring will allow all your work of the day to be subdual damage, and will re-invigorate you for the end of the day. Wearing the belt will help you maintain your work regimen - much like a safety belt that bardic strongmen wear.

Another thought may be, if you are running a bakery, perhaps expanding out your character class (do barbarians have class?) to one more amenable to that of a successful baker - perhaps a level in Rogue (always a recommendation for me) will help you count your money and manage your personnel better. What you don't gain in BAB you gain in Sneak damage for the flanking bonus.

The new sneaking skills may also help reinvigorate your downtime at home as well. Nothing scares me more than the image of a Barbarian covered in flour jumping out at me in the darkness, that's for sure! Even the thought of a Barbarian baker Hiding in my house makes me want to roll spot an listen checks now!

[Andre Fairchilde]

Hi, I'm a male human fighter, I'd prefer not to give my name.

I have a problem. The thing is that I really like the elven wizard in our party. I really like him but I don't know how to tell him and I don't know if I could 'come out' to the rest of the party and how to do it. How to I tell the elf, what do I say to him? Will he hate me if he finds out that I have feelings for him? Also, I have a problem in what do I do about my DM? he disapproves of relationships within parties ever since... the incident...

I'm surrounded by friends... BUT I FEEL SO LONELY!
*sob*




Another workplace romance.

Well, it's hard *not* to be attracted to elves, but it's always best to assume they are your own gender as it's always hard to tell with them.

First a little background - The elves I've known mate only every 40 years or so, and although chaotic they really only settle down after an average of 32 years of courting. Since this is the case I think elves emit a kind of pherenome that to keep their own companions attratcted to them.

We just *can't* help it.

A first question is, have you been attracted to other male members of adventuring parties? If so, then embrace your choice! It's ok!

If not, then perhaps you should try either a polymorph self, change into the opposite gender, and approach the Elf with care - he may be a she, and if so there you go! Let the spell wear off and buy some flowers. If he is attracted to you while female - there you go! Perhaps you can then get invest in a permancy spell.

You may want to make sure he/she is not married first though. My recommendation is to ask.

As for the rest of the party, if they are unable to cope, perhaps you should find another party.

Personally, I wouldn't really want to count on people for a critical heal if they weren't able to accept the fact that I've been adventuring with their best friend too.

[Duke of URL]

"Hello, LoveLine? Hi... long time listener, first time caller. I'm just your stereotypical BBEG, into personal power, violence, bloodshed, and random destruction. And I love sunsets.

"Anyway... my problem is the PCs. There's this hot... and I mean HOT Tiefling Arcane Trickster in the party (okay, not the highest CHA in the world, but it's reflected in her conversational skills, which, frankly, I can do without anyway -- because as we all know, all female PCs are beautiful, even with CHA 6). I'm pretty sure she's not really a "good guy", but that she's just misguided.

"So... my big question is, how do I go about asking her out? And, is it considered tacky to do so while using her friends as live sacrifices for a demonic ritual?"

[Andre Fairchilde]

Hi loveline! Longtime listener, first time caller. I have an embarrassing question.

I'm a dwarf, and you know I likes to get my beer on! It's an everytime drink! :smallbiggrin: Sooo anyways, I've been seeing this nice dwarf lass for months now. It's a monogamous thing, and we're pretty happy together. Anyhoo... I gets outta bed to toss a couple back b'fore heading to work in tha forge. Only problem is we outta beer! :smallmad: I'm already late fer work, so I drops a handful o' gold coins next to tha bed where me lass is still snoring. We I gets back from work, she tried to brain me wit me own hammer!! :smalleek: I ain't never seen a woman so pissed off! I canna figure out what happened...

Oh, a coupla other mentionables... Tha' night was tha first time we bumped uglies. Oh, an tha note fer using tha coins to buy beer... I fergot to leave it. :smallsigh: Can you guys help me out here?

p.s. Oh, and she did'na buy tha beer either! :smallyuk:


Ha ha, when *hasn't* that happened to some of us! Whew, if I had a silver piece, I tell you...

Usually, the solution to this is expensive. Like really expensive. That's if you want to keep in the relationship.

The other alternative is to not admit it was a mistake. Some partners like the *bad boy* or *bad girl*, and will eventually come around anyway.

I still think you should buy her something expensive, like a tavern.

And, let this be a lesson - never run out of beer.

[Andre Fairchilde]

"Hello, LoveLine? Hi... long time listener, first time caller. I'm just your stereotypical BBEG, into personal power, violence, bloodshed, and random destruction. And I love sunsets.

"Anyway... my problem is the PCs. There's this hot... and I mean HOT Tiefling Arcane Trickster in the party (okay, not the highest CHA in the world, but it's reflected in her conversational skills, which, frankly, I can do without anyway -- because as we all know, all female PCs are beautiful, even with CHA 6). I'm pretty sure she's not really a "good guy", but that she's just misguided.

"So... my big question is, how do I go about asking her out? And, is it considered tacky to do so while using her friends as live sacrifices for a demonic ritual?"

Ah, good question. Are you sure she won't mind using her friends as a sacrifice? It's always hard to tell the good/evil matrix with party members - and that Chaotic Neutral one is always so tricky to guage! One wrong Animate Dead and they're all over you like a cheap dwarf at happy hour.

Now, you may want to slide into the sacrificing people that she knows. Perhaps an old school teacher first, or the cleric that babtised her. Maybe an old neighbor. Eventually, you'll probably hit on someone she still bears a grudge against - and bingo!

Sometimes paying for the local thieves guild to Gather Information (always pay an NPC for any skills you don't have) on her family REALLY pays dividends back in the long run.

Another option is to try to win her love by declaring war on something else she hates. Does she hate being poor? Shower her with money! Does she hate a particular religion? Wipe it out, and slay it's god. I'm sure there are many many profitable evil side quests you can do while winning her affections.

Good luck!

[ocato]

Hallo. Grtunth love show, love advice, enjoy listen. Grtunth barbarian, good at it too. Grtunth once cleave so many goblins that monk say Grtunth good cleaver and give special friendship 'stunning blow' to back of Grtunth's head! Grtunth apparently cleave too much. Grtunth meet girl, she very pretty and a little small. She half 'leeng' whatever that is. She use little girly knife and hide behind goblin while Grtunth cleave! She love Grtunth because he is big man hairy strong!!! GRRRRRRRtunth! Unfortunately, while fighting kobold cult, Grtunth cleave too hard and knock little girl-woman into wall, and now she no more move. Cleric say Grtunth did a bad thing and won't let Grtunth play no mores! How Grtunth apologize to cute little girl-woman and make her love Grtunth again? Perhaps Grtunth find traditional Leeng gift and give to her... Wizard offered help, he smart, but then he make Grtunth think he see dancing colors and then they all leave Grtunth in cave with troll! Now Grtunth all alone, and troll hat smells. Help Grtunth regain tiny lover and friends or Grtunth be very sad.

[MethodicalMeat]

Salutations, or whatever it is you humans say. My name is Raquif, and I am a Dwarf of Serra, hailing from the deserts of Serra. Perhaps a little background is in order though. We children of Serra pride ourselves on our ability not to get stark raving drunk at the drop of an axe. At any rate, I'm also a surgeon, I travel the world and stitch moronic bumpkins up so I can get free food and lodgings and such from said bumpkins. At any rate, I was recently making my usual cross-country trip on my donkey (Amelia) and discovered an elf sitting on the roadside, bleeding quite profusely. Being what I am, I of course stitched the fool girl up. Upon awakening from her slumber, she embraced me! It was...most disconcerting, to say the least. She has been following along with me for a few days now, and I fear to admit that I am becoming rather...fond, of the lass, perhaps a little too fond of her. She seems to enjoy my company quite a bit as well, might I procure some advice as to how to proceed with this situation?

[CurlyKitGirl]

Hallo. Grtunth love show, love advice, enjoy listen. Grtunth barbarian, good at it too. Grtunth once cleave so many goblins that monk say Grtunth good cleaver and give special friendship 'stunning blow' to back of Grtunth's head! Grtunth apparently cleave too much. Grtunth meet girl, she very pretty and a little small. She half 'leeng' whatever that is. She use little girly knife and hide behind goblin while Grtunth cleave! She love Grtunth because he is big man hairy strong!!! GRRRRRRRtunth! Unfortunately, while fighting kobold cult, Grtunth cleave too hard and knock little girl-woman into wall, and now she no more move. Cleric say Grtunth did a bad thing and won't let Grtunth play no mores! How Grtunth apologize to cute little girl-woman and make her love Grtunth again? Perhaps Grtunth find traditional Leeng gift and give to her... Wizard offered help, he smart, but then he make Grtunth think he see dancing colors and then they all leave Grtunth in cave with troll! Now Grtunth all alone, and troll hat smells. Help Grtunth regain tiny lover and friends or Grtunth be very sad.


"Grunth your tiny girl is dead. You accidently killed her. What you must do is go to a wizard, and ask him to Tru Res. her. If you have enough money and diamonds he'll do it for you. When Grunth kill tiny girl he did something bad. Go to the monk when tiny girl is resurrected and show thtat you fixed the bad thing. Then Grunth will have tiny girl and friends."

[ocato]

Cleric already make little girl-woman move again, she no dead. But her love for Grtunth at -8 and bleeding! Help Grtunth!

[CurlyKitGirl]

Salutations, or whatever it is you humans say. My name is Raquif, and I am a Dwarf of Serra, hailing from the deserts of Serra. Perhaps a little background is in order though. We children of Serra pride ourselves on our ability not to get stark raving drunk at the drop of an axe. At any rate, I'm also a surgeon, I travel the world and stitch moronic bumpkins up so I can get free food and lodgings and such from said bumpkins. At any rate, I was recently making my usual cross-country trip on my donkey (Amelia) and discovered an elf sitting on the roadside, bleeding quite profusely. Being what I am, I of course stitched the fool girl up. Upon awakening from her slumber, she embraced me! It was...most disconcerting, to say the least. She has been following along with me for a few days now, and I fear to admit that I am becoming rather...fond, of the lass, perhaps a little too fond of her. She seems to enjoy my company quite a bit as well, might I procure some advice as to how to proceed with this situation?

"Raqif are you an idiot? Do you actually have enough Wisdom to be a surgeon if you can't understand that the elf girl loves you? Now that you're becoming 'fond' of the ask her if she would like to travel with you permanently, take her to an elf-friendly restaurant and get to know her better.
"I know the race problems may be a problem to you to but if you are 'fond' of each other you'll get over it. And try getting some ranks in Emotion(LOve and Recognising It)."

[CurlyKitGirl]

Cleric already make little girl-woman move again, she no dead. But her love for Grtunth at -8 and bleeding! Help Grtunth!

"Get a real wizard to Heal her. DO you have any scrolls of Cure Serious Wounds? That is, if she's got very low HP. If she has full HP try apologising to her, telling her you're sorry and give her some of your treasure. Then, I'm guessing she's a Rogue or a Fighter, she'll be nicer to you.
"To fully apologise perhaps you should take her somewhere nice. Nice for her that is. It's better if you dn't like the place and she knows you don't, because you're doing it for her. Good luck Grunth.
"Next caller..."

[MethodicalMeat]

"Raqif are you an idiot? Do you actually have enough Wisdom to be a surgeon if you can't understand that the elf girl loves you? Now that you're becoming 'fond' of the ask her if she would like to travel with you permanently, take her to an elf-friendly restaurant and get to know her better.
"I know the race problems may be a problem to you to but if you are 'fond' of each other you'll get over it. And try getting some ranks in Emotion(LOve and Recognising It)."

Love? An interesting concept, and not a subject that is often broached in my culture, though I am a little "off" compared to the rest of my people. I will try this, as you say, though I fear she may get to know me a bit better and decide she made a mistake in, ah, "loving" me. But thank you.

[Drogmun]

Um, hi...

Drogmun very confused about Drogmun's relationship with Drogmun's favorite weapon... Drogmun like Princess Hammer even though Princess Hammer look like Princess Flail. Does this make Princess Hammer a cross dresser? Drogmun very understanding of alternative lifestyles for Hammers and Flails. But Drogmun is unsure of what this means for Drogmun and Princess Hammer er Flail. But Princess Hammer/Flail likes to smash for Drogmun, so Drogmun like to SMASH with Princess Hammer/Flail, but Drogmun like Princess Hammer when Princess Hammer looks like a Flail even thouth Princess Hammer is a Hammer.

Drogmun is so confused...

* Drogmun shakes Princess Hammer, just because he can...

[CurlyKitGirl]

Um, hi...

Drogmun very confused about Drogmun's relationship with Drogmun's favorite weapon... Drogmun like Princess Hammer even though Princess Hammer look like Princess Flail. Does this make Princess Hammer a cross dresser? Drogmun very understanding of alternative lifestyles for Hammers and Flails. But Drogmun is unsure of what this means for Drogmun and Princess Hammer er Flail. But Princess Hammer/Flail likes to smash for Drogmun, so Drogmun like to SMASH with Princess Hammer/Flail, but Drogmun like Princess Hammer when Princess Hammer looks like a Flail even thouth Princess Hammer is a Hammer.

Drogmun is so confused...

* Drogmun shakes Princess Hammer, just because he can...


"Drogman, it's a weapon. You can't be in love with it; well, you can. It's just weird and not very fulfilling. Now Princess...Hammer is actually a Flail so perhaps your weapon doesn't want to be called Princess Hammer, maybe you should start calling her Princess Flail like she wants.
"Next caller...
"God that Orc is weird.Oh carp..."

[Andre Fairchilde]

Um, hi...

Drogmun very confused about Drogmun's relationship with Drogmun's favorite weapon... Drogmun like Princess Hammer even though Princess Hammer look like Princess Flail. Does this make Princess Hammer a cross dresser? Drogmun very understanding of alternative lifestyles for Hammers and Flails. But Drogmun is unsure of what this means for Drogmun and Princess Hammer er Flail. But Princess Hammer/Flail likes to smash for Drogmun, so Drogmun like to SMASH with Princess Hammer/Flail, but Drogmun like Princess Hammer when Princess Hammer looks like a Flail even thouth Princess Hammer is a Hammer.

Drogmun is so confused...

* Drogmun shakes Princess Hammer, just because he can...

Ah, a repeat caller! Drogmun is actually one of my long time clients. 'Princess Hammer' is a magical hammer that can assume any shape he chooses, but as it is dwarven made - it continually reverts back to a hammer, much to Drogmun's chagrin. Dromun does have a lot of affection for his hammer, especially as it tends to disintigrate targets with a hardness, but he does have a little inexperience showing affection to anyone, much less a magical hammer that can communicate with him.

In an offer of contrition, as the hammer has no real gender identity, Drogmun has dressed it up in frilly ribbons, and renamed it 'Princess Hammer'.

One of the issues at hand is that Drogmun has himself ascribed or projected the gender identity onto the hammer. In fact he may have forgotten that he put the frilly laces and ribbons on his own hammer, and the ensuing conversation has confused him.

But as that is his normal state, I actually just recommend that his party members point him in the direction of the nearest Vampire Drow Archmage, and let him do his thing.

[Drogmun]

"Drogman, it's a weapon. You can't be in love with it; well, you can. It's just weird and not very fulfilling. Now Princess...Hammer is actually a Flail so perhaps your weapon doesn't want to be called Princess Hammer, maybe you should start calling her Princess Flail like she wants.
"Next caller...
"God that Orc is weird.Oh carp..."

Orc? Orc? Drogmun NOT ORC!

And Princess Hammer not a flail, Princess Hammer is HAMMER! Princess Hammer just looks like flail sometimes.

How can Drogmun NOT love Drogmun's weapons? Especially smashy smashy ones like Princess Hammer whe Princess Hammer looks like Princess Flail!

Hummee's don't know nuthin...

[CurlyKitGirl]

Orc? Orc? Drogmun NOT ORC!

And Princess Hammer not a flail, Princess Hammer is HAMMER! Princess Hammer just looks like flail sometimes.

How can Drogmun NOT love Drogmun's weapons? Especially smashy smashy ones like Princess Hammer whe Princess Hammer looks like Princess Flail!

Hummee's don't know nuthin...

"Does Drogman need glasses? Because maybe Princess Hammris a Hammer-Flail. You can smash and whip people with it. And yes, you can love you weapons. It's just not wholesome.
"Next caller..."":smallannoyed: :smallsigh:

[Drogmun]

"Does Drogman need glasses? Because maybe Princess Hammris a Hammer-Flail. You can smash and whip people with it. And yes, you can love you weapons. It's just not wholesome.
"Next caller..."":smallannoyed: :smallsigh:

NO Hummee!!!!

...

* in trying to explain, Drogmun "accidentally" smashes the phone...

[SMEE]

Well, hello.

This is Berenice Faust, arcane sorceress of the necromantic arts, child of the Silent Lord, master of the void. He tends to summon me to his realm quite often, and so I tend to die quite a lot in my adventures.

I'm in some sort of mission for him, which consists of slaying a powerful specter who cursed my bloodline two millenia ago.

During my adventures I found this man, with sad, filled with anger eyes.
Many a time I found he wounded in a local city, and with my mundane healing skills, I've tended to his wounds every time.
He was kinda mute, but a couple of weeks ago he built up corage and talked to me. We've grow really found of each other since then.

He would slay anyone who crossed his path, and grew a really dark aura around him since two levels ago. He seems to enjoy slaying innocent younglings and torturing hobbits. Being chaotic neutral, those actions don't really bother me, though.
So, my current love problem is that he was summoned by his dark master to the Dark Gates.
He didn't tell me about it and left in the middle of the night. I followed his steps, knowing about it already.
When he got to the Black Gate, I felt my blood shiver as the giant gates opened, some sort of negative energy drainning my forces.
As he was dragged inside by the orcs, I yelled his name and started to run on his direction. Then I was hit by an arrow and killed in front of his eyes, for the first time. My master had summoned me and made that piece of land forbidden for me.
My love is unaware that I die quite a lot, and return shortly after.
Now his soul is empty and crushed, blaming himself for my "final" demise.

Since he can't leave the Dark Gate and I can't get to it, I've thought of sending a message through a halfling rogue of mine. She'll glady do it, but will take a strong and powerful lawful Dwarf fighter to escort her, whom I'm afraid might shove my letter and the white lily I'm sending down his throat, should my love prove to be evil and unworthy.

So, what should I do? There's no one else crazy enough to deliver my message and my signal to my love and I don't want him to be hurt (at least not too badly).

[Mountain_Faerie]

Hi. I need to talk to someone about my man. He's a big ol' brute. Rugged, muscular....gorgeous. So I ran into him the other day after I had been shopping at Frell-dricks of Holy Wood. I showed him my new studded leather outfit I was planning on wearing and asked him to meet me at this new club, Den of Iniquity, for a little role playing (wink, wink, nudge, nudge...). I told him all about the private rooms, mood lighting and awesome pumping beat. He got a twinkle in his eyes, wrapped his arms around me and said he'd be there.

Later, that night, I heard his voice outside the door. I told him to come in and rolled across the table, ready for him. As he walked in the room, I realized he had 5 odd looking guys, a big bag of dice and a GM screen.

(Bursts into tears) Wh-aa-at sh-o-ou-uld I d-d-d-do? Hic...sniff...sniff...

[Mr. Moon]

"... It stopped ringing. Is this thing on? Hello? Hello? CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ... What do you mean, turn the phone over? ... Oh. ... Hello? Er, Hi. Sorry about er... that.

Ya see, a while back I found myself in love with this necromancer. We've been dating for a while now, but there's been a little problem nagging at the back of my mind for a while now. Ya see, Endor, Spire's god of the Underworld and Death, in a sense, really hates Necromancy. Like, to the point where he sends necromancers, and even people who use Resurection spells to the Flaming Pits. In this dimension's terms, that's like the lowest circle of your Hell. Of course, I don't want him sent there, but I'm not really sure how to tell him this. Necromancy is his life, as creepy as that sounds."

[Andre Fairchilde]

Well, hello.

This is Berenice Faust, arcane sorceress of the necromantic arts, child of the Silent Lord, master of the void. He tends to summon me to his realm quite often, and so I tend to die quite a lot in my adventures.

I'm in some sort of mission for him, which consists of slaying a powerful specter who cursed my bloodline two millenia ago.

During my adventures I found this man, with sad, filled with anger eyes.
Many a time I found he wounded in a local city, and with my mundane healing skills, I've tended to his wounds every time.
He was kinda mute, but a couple of weeks ago he built up corage and talked to me. We've grow really found of each other since then.

He would slay anyone who crossed his path, and grew a really dark aura around him since two levels ago. He seems to enjoy slaying innocent younglings and torturing hobbits. Being chaotic neutral, those actions don't really bother me, though.
So, my current love problem is that he was summoned by his dark master to the Dark Gates.
He didn't tell me about it and left in the middle of the night. I followed his steps, knowing about it already.
When he got to the Black Gate, I felt my blood shiver as the giant gates opened, some sort of negative energy drainning my forces.
As he was dragged inside by the orcs, I yelled his name and started to run on his direction. Then I was hit by an arrow and killed in front of his eyes, for the first time. My master had summoned me and made that piece of land forbidden for me.
My love is unaware that I die quite a lot, and return shortly after.
Now his soul is empty and crushed, blaming himself for my "final" demise.

Since he can't leave the Dark Gate and I can't get to it, I've thought of sending a message through a halfling rogue of mine. She'll glady do it, but will take a strong and powerful lawful Dwarf fighter to escort her, whom I'm afraid might shove my letter and the white lily I'm sending down his throat, should my love prove to be evil and unworthy.

So, what should I do? There's no one else crazy enough to deliver my message and my signal to my love and I don't want him to be hurt (at least not too badly).

Hello caller! I see these prison pen-pal romances every once in a while, and frequently they do end in a great slaughter of some kind, and a quick marriage. So all is not lost for you!

I would certainly send the message to your prison pen-pal as there can be no relationship without communication.

It sounds like the problem isn't so much getting the message to him, but his being alive long enough to read it, and if possible sending a message back.

If you don't need a reply, perhaps you can trap the message so it weakens the Dwarven Fighter as he delivers it. Trapping the scroll with Destructio, Blasphemy or Power Word Kill may very well be worth the expense, if it weakens the Dwarven Fighter enough for your love to rip his head off.

If the Dwarven Fighter needs to stay alive to return the message,

Another option may be having your friend take a portable hole, and having the message be a scroll of Magic Jar, and have your friend use the Dwarven Fighter's body to walk right out of the Dark Gate. Otherwise a heavy-duty dominate spell with permancy may help.

Good luck!

[Andre Fairchilde]

Hi. I need to talk to someone about my man. He's a big ol' brute. Rugged, muscular....gorgeous. So I ran into him the other day after I had been shopping at Frell-dricks of Holy Wood. I showed him my new studded leather outfit I was planning on wearing and asked him to meet me at this new club, Den of Iniquity, for a little role playing (wink, wink, nudge, nudge...). I told him all about the private rooms, mood lighting and awesome pumping beat. He got a twinkle in his eyes, wrapped his arms around me and said he'd be there.

Later, that night, I heard his voice outside the door. I told him to come in and rolled across the table, ready for him. As he walked in the room, I realized he had 5 odd looking guys, a big bag of dice and a GM screen.

(Bursts into tears) Wh-aa-at sh-o-ou-uld I d-d-d-do? Hic...sniff...sniff...


Studded leather? Den of Iniquity? Mood lighting? He showed up with 5 friends? Sister, I'm free this Saturday and I'm pretty sure he'll be gaming...

[Andre Fairchilde]

"... It stopped ringing. Is this thing on? Hello? Hello? CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ... What do you mean, turn the phone over? ... Oh. ... Hello? Er, Hi. Sorry about er... that.

Ya see, a while back I found myself in love with this necromancer. We've been dating for a while now, but there's been a little problem nagging at the back of my mind for a while now. Ya see, Endor, Spire's god of the Underworld and Death, in a sense, really hates Necromancy. Like, to the point where he sends necromancers, and even people who use Resurection spells to the Flaming Pits. In this dimension's terms, that's like the lowest circle of your Hell. Of course, I don't want him sent there, but I'm not really sure how to tell him this. Necromancy is his life, as creepy as that sounds."

Good evening caller! Sounds like you like guys that play with eternal damnation. Don't we date someone like that? Last time I was in hell was when I was married to my ex-wife... but I digress.

I can see how this all starts, the dating of a Necromancer. It starts out fun - he animates the chicken at dinner and makes it dance, he casts Speak with Dead on the steak dinner, and laughs when all it says is "Moo moo". I know, that's pretty funny too. But, the fun and games are over when the barn get's burned down by the Inquisitors, and you keep having to move ahead of the townspeople crying "He animated Grandma!"

You may want to consider moving to another dimension. I hear there is a great condo available in Ravenloft.

However, if you absolutley cannot move, you may want to consider worshiping a Demon or Devil. If your man is going to hell anyway, you might as well have some leverage or contacts when you get there.

Or, you may just want to turn him into the Inquisitors and take the cash reward for finding a necromancer. You may be able to buy a tavern or something - which I'm sure we all aspire to do!

Good luck!

[Cyrano]

He-hello...My name is, uh, D'anna, and, um, I'm in love wih 41 kender. Not 41 specific kender. Just groups of 41 kender. At a time.

Is this wrong, and/or is there a profit to be turned somewhere?

[Andre Fairchilde]

He-hello...My name is, uh, D'anna, and, um, I'm in love wih 41 kender. Not 41 specific kender. Just groups of 41 kender. At a time.

Is this wrong, and/or is there a profit to be turned somewhere?


Good evening caller! It's great that you have so much love to share. I might have to get your secret and share it with the barbarian baker we chatted with a few pages ago.

No, sharing your affection is not wrong, and you should be happy you've found so many opportunites.

As for the profit, there is a profit to be found everywhere! Instead of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves, you'll be D'anna Biers and the 41 Affectionate Halflings.

One recommendation could be to start your own Theives Guild by masquerading as a Cooking School. With so much natural larcenous talent, some of the halflings must be willing to help relieve passerby of their coin purses. Just claim a 28% maintenance fee, and a 17% documentation fee from your guildmembers, and the profits will soar.

Good luck to your miniture crime spree!

[Mountain_Faerie]

Studded leather? Den of Iniquity? Mood lighting? He showed up with 5 friends? Sister, I'm free this Saturday and I'm pretty sure he'll be gaming...

Um...okay...
Just don't bring any short guys with hairy feet. They creep me out. :smallwink:

[CurlyKitGirl]

Well, hello.

This is Berenice Faust, arcane sorceress of the necromantic arts, child of the Silent Lord, master of the void. He tends to summon me to his realm quite often, and so I tend to die quite a lot in my adventures.

I'm in some sort of mission for him, which consists of slaying a powerful specter who cursed my bloodline two millenia ago.

During my adventures I found this man, with sad, filled with anger eyes.
Many a time I found he wounded in a local city, and with my mundane healing skills, I've tended to his wounds every time.
He was kinda mute, but a couple of weeks ago he built up corage and talked to me. We've grow really found of each other since then.

He would slay anyone who crossed his path, and grew a really dark aura around him since two levels ago. He seems to enjoy slaying innocent younglings and torturing hobbits. Being chaotic neutral, those actions don't really bother me, though.
So, my current love problem is that he was summoned by his dark master to the Dark Gates.
He didn't tell me about it and left in the middle of the night. I followed his steps, knowing about it already.
When he got to the Black Gate, I felt my blood shiver as the giant gates opened, some sort of negative energy drainning my forces.
As he was dragged inside by the orcs, I yelled his name and started to run on his direction. Then I was hit by an arrow and killed in front of his eyes, for the first time. My master had summoned me and made that piece of land forbidden for me.
My love is unaware that I die quite a lot, and return shortly after.
Now his soul is empty and crushed, blaming himself for my "final" demise.

Since he can't leave the Dark Gate and I can't get to it, I've thought of sending a message through a halfling rogue of mine. She'll glady do it, but will take a strong and powerful lawful Dwarf fighter to escort her, whom I'm afraid might shove my letter and the white lily I'm sending down his throat, should my love prove to be evil and unworthy.

So, what should I do? There's no one else crazy enough to deliver my message and my signal to my love and I don't want him to be hurt (at least not too badly).

"Or another idea. I'm not sure about summoning people, but why don't youjust break him out? Send in a few mages along with your rogue frind. Cast a few very good illusions and let him escape. Then when he's outside the Drk Gates just spirit him away; and you mighht want to explain to him that yoou are indefinitely immortal. Just a thought. Oh, and talk to your master and see if he'll tak on your lover as a minion too."

[CurlyKitGirl]

Hi. I need to talk to someone about my man. He's a big ol' brute. Rugged, muscular....gorgeous. So I ran into him the other day after I had been shopping at Frell-dricks of Holy Wood. I showed him my new studded leather outfit I was planning on wearing and asked him to meet me at this new club, Den of Iniquity, for a little role playing (wink, wink, nudge, nudge...). I told him all about the private rooms, mood lighting and awesome pumping beat. He got a twinkle in his eyes, wrapped his arms around me and said he'd be there.

Later, that night, I heard his voice outside the door. I told him to come in and rolled across the table, ready for him. As he walked in the room, I realized he had 5 odd looking guys, a big bag of dice and a GM screen.

(Bursts into tears) Wh-aa-at sh-o-ou-uld I d-d-d-do? Hic...sniff...sniff...

"Ah. I know this problem. You have a Gaming Geek on your hands. They have their own language. Roleplay (or RP) is playing DnD or some other tabletop game.
"What you had in mind was something a little bit...naughty right? What he thought was 'Oh a Gamer girl. I can't believe my luck.'. It was simple miscommunication. Arrange to meet him on his own and explain what you meant.
"He may try to interest you in RPing too. I suggest you go along with it. Try to teach how non-Gamers talk to.
"It's no big deal."

[Emperor Demonking]

Pleae help me, I'm a muscually guy and I like this girl and then she came up to me and I thought she was going to ask me out but it turns out she only wanted to play dungeons and dragons with her at this new club.
I said yes as I like dungeons and dragons and it meant spending time with her. So I wqent to the club with my equipment and a few friends but when she saw my friends she looked digusted by them.
I want to ask her out but should I when she doesn't like my friends also how can I tell if she likes me.

[CurlyKitGirl]

"... It stopped ringing. Is this thing on? Hello? Hello? CAN YOU HEAR ME?! ... What do you mean, turn the phone over? ... Oh. ... Hello? Er, Hi. Sorry about er... that.

Ya see, a while back I found myself in love with this necromancer. We've been dating for a while now, but there's been a little problem nagging at the back of my mind for a while now. Ya see, Endor, Spire's god of the Underworld and Death, in a sense, really hates Necromancy. Like, to the point where he sends necromancers, and even people who use Resurection spells to the Flaming Pits. In this dimension's terms, that's like the lowest circle of your Hell. Of course, I don't want him sent there, but I'm not really sure how to tell him this. Necromancy is his life, as creepy as that sounds."

"Do I know you? You sound awfully familiar. HOld on, didn't you and the necromancer have a child? Or maybe I'm thinking of a similar situation. I must be.
"Well, to fit my friends situation (which is very similar to yours) she worked it out on her own. I'll tell you ewhat she did.
"First, do you truly love him? Second, does Endor yadda yadda know that youu're dating a necromancer? If no, then what's the problem. Yes, you may feel obligated; but which is stronger: Your love for him; or your duty?
If he does know why not convert to another religion or move away. And as a Necromancer I'm sure he's been incarcerated in a few Pits Of Hell so he shouldn't mind.
"Tell him about Endor and perhaps you can figure it out from there."

[CurlyKitGirl]

He-hello...My name is, uh, D'anna, and, um, I'm in love wih 41 kender. Not 41 specific kender. Just groups of 41 kender. At a time.

Is this wrong, and/or is there a profit to be turned somewhere?

"It's not exactly wrong; or right either. And of course there's a profit to be had. You have 41 thieves/rogues/whatever who will do your bidding. Think of the possibilities!"

[CurlyKitGirl]

Pleae help me, I'm a muscually guy and I like this girl and then she came up to me and I thought she was going to ask me out but it turns out she only wanted to play dungeons and dragons with her at this new club.
I said yes as I like dungeons and dragons and it meant spending time with her. So I wqent to the club with my equipment and a few friends but when she saw my friends she looked digusted by them.
I want to ask her out but should I when she doesn't like my friends also how can I tell if she likes me.

"The problem is miscommunication. When she meant RP she meant something naughty. Not RPing games. Tell her you made a mistake and would like to take her to dinner and on a date generally. That is, if you have her phone number. And maybe teack her some Gamer-Geek lingo so she doesn't get confused. And learn some Non-Gamer lingo so you don't get confused."

[CurlyKitGirl]

Um...okay...
Just don't bring any short guys with hairy feet. They creep me out. :smallwink:

"Andre! Don't take advantage of her callers. I'll get your wife on the phone!
"Sorry about that.
"Next caller..."

[GolemsVoice]

Hello! Hello! Is this thing on? Oh, they are gonne drwon in blood. Yes, their own. Ah, anyway. Hello, my name is Gragtar Hellcaller, and I have a problem. yeah, very funny you figured THAT out, go to Hell. No I mean it! Damn Imps. SO, there was this costume party at a friend's place, and the motto was "The Nine Hells", which we found very funny and stuff. So, he has this friend, you know, this girl, a paladin. Showed up, pretending to be a Sukkubus (you could even see her KNEES! God, that was sexy.) and, well, I was there wearing my Sacrificial Suit with patented Dried Blood. So, we began, like, talking and such, and it was all real cool, until she asked me were I lived, and I said, for fun, "Nine Hells, baby, I AM hot." And, well, I think, she, like, you know, failed her Sense Motive check, and, yeah, she believes it. She took out her Pocket Punisher, and began whacking away at me with holy fervor. Ouch, that hurts! She even used Detect Evil on me, and well, I am not EVIL per se, but you know how it is, some things must be done, and stuff. I left the party rathe fast and beaten, but my love for her remains unaffected. But how can we get together if every time she sees me she shouts: "Have at you, devil" Please, help me.

[Xykon_Fan]

Hello! Hello! Is this thing on? Oh, they are gonne drwon in blood. Yes, their own. Ah, anyway. Hello, my name is Gragtar Hellcaller, and I have a problem. yeah, very funny you figured THAT out, go to Hell. No I mean it! Damn Imps. SO, there was this costume party at a friend's place, and the motto was "The Nine Hells", which we found very funny and stuff. So, he has this friend, you know, this girl, a paladin. Showed up, pretending to be a Sukkubus (you could even see her KNEES! God, that was sexy.) and, well, I was there wearing my Sacrificial Suit with patented Dried Blood. So, we began, like, talking and such, and it was all real cool, until she asked me were I lived, and I said, for fun, "Nine Hells, baby, I AM hot." And, well, I think, she, like, you know, failed her Sense Motive check, and, yeah, she believes it. She took out her Pocket Punisher, and began whacking away at me with holy fervor. Ouch, that hurts! She even used Detect Evil on me, and well, I am not EVIL per se, but you know how it is, some things must be done, and stuff. I left the party rathe fast and beaten, but my love for her remains unaffected. But how can we get together if every time she sees me she shouts: "Have at you, devil" Please, help me.

I would suggest finding a way to boost your diplomacy or bluff skill. After that, perhaps get a wand with a few polymorph spells on it, and another one that has some anti-divination spells. Shift into another person, talk to her about this weird guy you met who seemed really distraught about...the party, etc...and then try to make it right. Walk away eventually on an errand, come along as yourself, preferably looking very distraught (sackloth perhaps...paladins eat that stuff up), and don't even talk to her. Let her notice you first...if she doesn't, try again some other day. Weep, sackloth, repeat.

[Mountain_Faerie]

I need more help. You see, I had a date with this gorgeous muscular guy, but he brought all his friends and ruined the moment. I left frustrated in more ways than one. So this guy with a great voice asked me out for Saturday night, but it turns out he's married. I'm not into married men. Now I want to get back in touch with gorgeous gamer boy and try to teach him some new tricks. But, I sort of lost his number. I mean, my mascara was running so badly that I couldn't see, so I wiped my eyes on the napkin that had his number on it. I think there's a 9 in the number, and maybe a 3, 8, no, I think it's a 3. Is there a way to get waterproof mascara off a napkin?
I guess I can try his games if he'll try mine... and if he will make that one guy wear shoes. I've never seen a foot comb-over...

[EmeraldRose]

I need more help. You see, I had a date with this gorgeous muscular guy, but he brought all his friends and ruined the moment. I left frustrated in more ways than one. So this guy with a great voice asked me out for Saturday night, but it turns out he's married. I'm not into married men. Now I want to get back in touch with gorgeous gamer boy and try to teach him some new tricks. But, I sort of lost his number. I mean, my mascara was running so badly that I couldn't see, so I wiped my eyes on the napkin that had his number on it. I think there's a 9 in the number, and maybe a 3, 8, no, I think it's a 3. Is there a way to get waterproof mascara off a napkin?
I guess I can try his games if he'll try mine... and if he will make that one guy wear shoes. I've never seen a foot comb-over...

I'll take this call. You see, Andre and I have an understanding. He thinks that he can fool around and have "solo adventures", I understand that he cannot! You learn a little patience for the shorter lived races, after a few millenia.

Caller, have you tried a potion of Owl's Wisdom to boost your memory of what was written on the napkin? You could also attempt heading to your local witch or hedge wizard for a mind read, though this would probably mean eating some sort of chocolate concoction, and Billy Crystal jokes...

Good luck with getting the phone number back! If you find your muscle-bound man, make sure you persuade him to leave his friends behind next time. I find a thinly veiled promise can often be a good motivator...and if all else fails, just pick him up and fly him back to your lair...:smallamused:

[SurlySeraph]

Well, don't mean to answer a question with a question - but how long were you seeing her? And, why are you beating yourself up over the fact she fell?

First of all, there's two ratio's I use. The first is - NEVER date someone younger than half your age + 9 years. That is the cut off. But I digress.

The second is, depending on how deep the relationship was, it often takes about half as long again to heal yourself afterwards. For example, say you were dating for two years, it may take 1 year to recover fully. This is not scientific, although the Clerics of Aphrodite may disagree. Trust me - THEY do have it down to a science.

Anyway, first of all it depends on how long you were together.

The second aspect is entirely up to you.

You do know it's not your fault she fell, don't you? She did have free will to make her own choice, right? As a believer of Pelor, and I assume she was also a Paladin of Pelor - she's the one that made the choice to betray the faith not you. It's not your fault that she fell.

Until you realize that, you may be carrying this burden for a while.

I HIGHLY recommend speaking with a (or a multidude of) clerics of Aphrodite, perhaps their counsel can help you.


Hi, this is Marshall. I'm, yeah, this is a follow-up call. Well, I was seeing her for about three years, and it's been almost two years since then now, so I should be ready to get over it, I guess. She was almost ten years younger than me, but within the range of that ratio you mentioned. And, well, I really do feel it is my fault that she fell. At one point we were having this discussion. I was talking about upholding justice, and she said she'd become a paladin to help people. I was kind of - well, I was dismissive, and she got angry and started saying I cared too much about principles and too little about people. That's how it all started, she started going on more and more about personal freedom and how much she hated repression and boredom. And now she's dead, I couldn't - stop it, it's over.
She stopped going to sermons, I remember. And, well, every time I tried to change her mind just seemed to make her angrier. At a certain point I realized that she didn't really care about working together or what I thought anymore, that at that point she was only staying with me for the sex. And I can't - I just didn't think that was moral, so I broke up with her. She seemed like she was hiding how sad she was - I used Sense Motive - which should have tipped me off, because she'd been always trying to express herself for a while. She left the chapter house the next day. The next I heard of her was when someone told me she'd become a Blackguard.

It's - it's good to get that off my chest, I guess. Thank him, don't be ungrateful.Thanks for your advice. There should be a few clerics of Aphrodite at the monastery, I'll see what they say. Thanks. I'll call again if I need to. You've - you've helped a lot. I - crying is weak, don't cry - thanks.

[Xykon_Fan]

I need more help. You see, I had a date with this gorgeous muscular guy, but he brought all his friends and ruined the moment. I left frustrated in more ways than one. So this guy with a great voice asked me out for Saturday night, but it turns out he's married. I'm not into married men. Now I want to get back in touch with gorgeous gamer boy and try to teach him some new tricks. But, I sort of lost his number. I mean, my mascara was running so badly that I couldn't see, so I wiped my eyes on the napkin that had his number on it. I think there's a 9 in the number, and maybe a 3, 8, no, I think it's a 3. Is there a way to get waterproof mascara off a napkin?
I guess I can try his games if he'll try mine... and if he will make that one guy wear shoes. I've never seen a foot comb-over...

A scroll of sending should work well too. You don't have to have his number. You just have to know who he is.

[CurlyKitGirl]

I need more help. You see, I had a date with this gorgeous muscular guy, but he brought all his friends and ruined the moment. I left frustrated in more ways than one. So this guy with a great voice asked me out for Saturday night, but it turns out he's married. I'm not into married men. Now I want to get back in touch with gorgeous gamer boy and try to teach him some new tricks. But, I sort of lost his number. I mean, my mascara was running so badly that I couldn't see, so I wiped my eyes on the napkin that had his number on it. I think there's a 9 in the number, and maybe a 3, 8, no, I think it's a 3. Is there a way to get waterproof mascara off a napkin?
I guess I can try his games if he'll try mine... and if he will make that one guy wear shoes. I've never seen a foot comb-over...

"Actually we had him phone in and we keep records of couples who phone up to the show. We have quite a few of these. So if Gamer-Guy would please phone up the station again we'll try to get you in touch with Disappointed-Non-Gamer. If that doesn't work try a mind reading spell."

[CurlyKitGirl]

Hello! Hello! Is this thing on? Oh, they are gonne drwon in blood. Yes, their own. Ah, anyway. Hello, my name is Gragtar Hellcaller, and I have a problem. yeah, very funny you figured THAT out, go to Hell. No I mean it! Damn Imps. SO, there was this costume party at a friend's place, and the motto was "The Nine Hells", which we found very funny and stuff. So, he has this friend, you know, this girl, a paladin. Showed up, pretending to be a Sukkubus (you could even see her KNEES! God, that was sexy.) and, well, I was there wearing my Sacrificial Suit with patented Dried Blood. So, we began, like, talking and such, and it was all real cool, until she asked me were I lived, and I said, for fun, "Nine Hells, baby, I AM hot." And, well, I think, she, like, you know, failed her Sense Motive check, and, yeah, she believes it. She took out her Pocket Punisher, and began whacking away at me with holy fervor. Ouch, that hurts! She even used Detect Evil on me, and well, I am not EVIL per se, but you know how it is, some things must be done, and stuff. I left the party rathe fast and beaten, but my love for her remains unaffected. But how can we get together if every time she sees me she shouts: "Have at you, devil" Please, help me.

"Well first Paladin-Girl really needs to get more ranks in Sense and Bluff checks. I guess what you could do is to go find her. She already knows that you aren't Evil. And that it was just a costume with a joke. Unless she's one of those uptight ones. Well, anyway she probably regrets it. Do not cast illusions and whatnot on yourself because the minute you do you know she's going to see right through them.
I'd suggest talking to her; don't fight back and explan that you were joking. And don't wear a costume
"It's also possible that you should prove your alignment by going into her Palaadin Castle place. When she see you walking unattacked through it she will realise that you were joking.":smallsmile:

[CurlyKitGirl]

Hi, this is Marshall. I'm, yeah, this is a follow-up call. Well, I was seeing her for about three years, and it's been almost two years since then now, so I should be ready to get over it, I guess. She was almost ten years younger than me, but within the range of that ratio you mentioned. And, well, I really do feel it is my fault that she fell. At one point we were having this discussion. I was talking about upholding justice, and she said she'd become a paladin to help people. I was kind of - well, I was dismissive, and she got angry and started saying I cared too much about principles and too little about people. That's how it all started, she started going on more and more about personal freedom and how much she hated repression and boredom. And now she's dead, I couldn't - stop it, it's over.
She stopped going to sermons, I remember. And, well, every time I tried to change her mind just seemed to make her angrier. At a certain point I realized that she didn't really care about working together or what I thought anymore, that at that point she was only staying with me for the sex. And I can't - I just didn't think that was moral, so I broke up with her. She seemed like she was hiding how sad she was - I used Sense Motive - which should have tipped me off, because she'd been always trying to express herself for a while. She left the chapter house the next day. The next I heard of her was when someone told me she'd become a Blackguard.

It's - it's good to get that off my chest, I guess. Thank him, don't be ungrateful.Thanks for your advice. There should be a few clerics of Aphrodite at the monastery, I'll see what they say. Thanks. I'll call again if I need to. You've - you've helped a lot. I - crying is weak, don't cry - thanks.

"Uh Marshall, I think Paladins are allowed to show emotion. It's never too late to convert someone back to Paladinhood or at least TN.
"You cannot blame yourself for her failings. If she truly felt that she would help others she wouldn't have become a Paladin anyway. So she was already doubting herself and her chosen profession.
"Get a Cleric to cast Talk to Undead or chat with her. Either that or talk to your Aphrodite Clerics about how you feel. Depending on how you feel you could try to talk with her.
"You are not to blame and don't let yourself feel that way. Ever."

[Thrivol]

Um, hello, this is Ialjfakjsdklnnjldajyu on the line, but you can call me Ial. I'm a mindflayer, and I know we are supposed to only want the surfacers for food, but recently, I found a psion who understands me. She knows everything about me. We have shared many romantic, moonlit evenings.

But see, the problem is, I have trouble not eating her brain. She has at least a 22 Intelligence, along with a 12 Wisdom and 14 Charisma! More than one date has ended with her having to subdue me after my appetite takes control of me. Any advice?

[Mountain_Faerie]

Caller, have you tried a potion of Owl's Wisdom to boost your memory of what was written on the napkin? You could also attempt heading to your local witch or hedge wizard for a mind read, though this would probably mean eating some sort of chocolate concoction, and Billy Crystal jokes...

Good luck with getting the phone number back! If you find your muscle-bound man, make sure you persuade him to leave his friends behind next time. I find a thinly veiled promise can often be a good motivator...and if all else fails, just pick him up and fly him back to your lair...:smallamused:

Hi. The potion shop was closed today, but I did go see Miracle Max at the Chocolate Fetish. He gave me this (http://www.chocolatefetish.com/proddetail.php?prod=ETV) I hope it works!

[eidreff]

Hi, um, i'm er Hgzay'tfatgn erm yeh, hgzay'tfatgn the erm not acidicly slimy at all, honest. i'd errr like to tell you about my problem.

uh its hard to know where to start, you see... i don't have many friends, i just seem to find it hard to meet people/animals/lichen/sentient plants. I have tried self help books but when i try to run up to a new person roaring with friendship and waving tentacles in a merry and friendly way i never anything but a cloud of dust and the sound of running feet.

Thank you for listening, now must go before the fone dissolves.

[Indurain]

Suddenly there's a new voice on the air.

"Hello all you lonely ladies out there in love land. This is your friendly neighbourhood nudist emperor, and I'm here to help you out as well. Now I want to start with our good friend Hgzay'tfatgn. Higg, can I call you Higg? Great. While the roar of friendship works with some ladies, most find the halitosis that accompanies most *ahem*non-acidicly slimy things...well, they find it repulsive. And those that can look past your horrible stench, well, they might be intimidated by your slimy manliness."

"So basically, I think if you tone down the friendship roar, and possibly keep the tentacle waving to a minimum...unless you have really large tentacles...then you'll probably see less cloud billows and more lady's pillows."

"Great question though Higg. Next caller."

[Andre Fairchilde]

Um, hello, this is Ialjfakjsdklnnjldajyu on the line, but you can call me Ial. I'm a mindflayer, and I know we are supposed to only want the surfacers for food, but recently, I found a psion who understands me. She knows everything about me. We have shared many romantic, moonlit evenings.

But see, the problem is, I have trouble not eating her brain. She has at least a 22 Intelligence, along with a 12 Wisdom and 14 Charisma! More than one date has ended with her having to subdue me after my appetite takes control of me. Any advice?

"Hello Ialjfakjsdklnnjldajyu! Welcome to the show! My first thought is that if you are talking to your hamburger, then you probably know she's not really a hamburger. In other words, correct me if I'm wrong - but most mindflayers don't talk to their food.

It's great that you've found a hamburger that you can love! Perhaps we can polymorph her into a mind flayer, would that work? Then together you could take her our for dinner at a village sometime.

My thought is, she obviously accepts you and loves you for what you are no matter your appetitie, so perhaps she'd be open to the new experience. Otherwise, she may want to keep a stack of Hold Monster scrolls handy.

If you do end up eating her, I recommend fava beans and a nice chianti!

[EmeraldRose]

Hi. The potion shop was closed today, but I did go see Miracle Max at the Chocolate Fetish. He gave me this (http://www.chocolatefetish.com/proddetail.php?prod=ETV) I hope it works!

Does this Miracle Max have more of these? Because I would gladly offer large amounts of gold or gems for several of these...truffles. They appear to be...sinful...indeed! :smallamused:

Regardless, I hope this works for you, caller! You must let me know if this works on your musclebound beau. It could save much wear and tear on my wings, in future.

[Indurain]

"Next caller, Mike from Middle-World...you're on the air."

...

"Okay, apparently we lost Mike. And the lines aren't lighting up? Come on people, we know you've got issues. Let's hear 'em."

[Andre Fairchilde]

Ok, I've got one here from one caller too shy to call in. The caller doesn't want to be identified, but has a very interesting question.

Hope I have this right, I could be wrong about this story. But, as all good gossip, the wrong details are ususally the best part of the story.

Turns out the caller (she) was living in town, and after quite a few adventures, fell in love with a warrior (Guy A). And after a long relationship he had to leave. After he left she met another guy (Guy B) and had a relationship with him.

I may need to break out a diagram for this one.

Anyway, Guy A comes back and moves in, and things are awkward, but ok for the most part.

Then they all find out that Guy A is actually her and Guy B's child from the future! Talk about an awkward Hogfather's Day!

Any panel members or audience members have any advice?

[Indurain]

"Well now...that's some really Marty McFly stuff going on there Andre."

"Now, it's no secret that I'm a make love not war kind of person, so the question really boils down to how does this lady feel about Guy A? Does she still have feelings for him, even with the weird timeloop/wormhole thing? Or have all her affections been turned towards B-Guy?"

"So, here's the options...If she's still in love with Guy A, and not in love with B, than...the choice is clear. It's the classic "I saw her first" scenario. And if they're both okay with the whole Oedipus thing, than I say go for it."

"Possibility number 2...She tells her son to climb right back into whatever brought him back, and get his butt to the present time and she'll try to raise him better this time round. Either that or her and Guy B invest in a lot of sheepskin, and therefore preventing Guy A from ever showing up."

"Scenario C...Buy a bigger bed."

[Mountain_Faerie]

Does this Miracle Max have more of these? Because I would gladly offer large amounts of gold or gems for several of these...truffles. They appear to be...sinful...indeed! :smallamused:

Regardless, I hope this works for you, caller! You must let me know if this works on your musclebound beau. It could save much wear and tear on my wings, in future.

Actually, I think you might be more interested in these (http://www.chocolatefetish.com/proddetail.php?prod=ETDK)!

(I gave a Dragon's Kiss to Hippie after our 1st big fight. That was years ago and we are going strong.) :smallbiggrin:

[Mr. Moon]

"Ummm... This is really embarising. The other day, I was riding my dragon to slay some demons, when it got sick. My husband is a druid, I decided to walk back home and get him to help. When I got home, I found him in my room, wearing my thong, my bra, my high-heals, and putting my make-up on. I asked him why, and he said he was out of boxers, so he was wearing mine. When I pointed out that this didn't explain my bra and my make up, he confessed that he'd been doing this for a few months now.

What should I do?

[Alarra]

Why I dare say that there's not a thing wrong with that. Plenty of adventurers hide this little secret about themselves. Why...have you never heard of the valiant Sir Rupert?

*clears throat and enters 'I'm going to sing you a lovely song now' stance, before belting out The Ballad of Rupert*

In a faraway land lived a hero so grand
He was lauded in story and song.
All the people would sigh when he came riding by,
They applauded Sir Rupert the Strong

But deep in his soul, a desire took its toll,
Causing such anguish, heartache, and hurt:
"Something in me believes I should take off my greaves,
I'd be much more demure in a skirt."

Three cheers for Rupert the Swishy,
Hip Hip Hooray and Huzzah!
For fame he was fated the day that he traded
His chainmail shirt for a bra.

"I've slain dragons galore, I no longer keep score,
Saved more maidens than I knew existed,
But all of my fame couldn't salvage my name
If the people knew I was this twisted.

"Yet there's something refined in a plunging neckline
And a hem that goes just down to there,
Fancy gloves, fancy shawl, and a cute parasol --
Why not? Those who love me won't care!"

Three cheers for Rupert the Swishy,
Hip Hip Hooray and Huzzah!
For fame he was fated the day that he traded
His chainmail shirt for a bra.

So Rupert discarded the armor that guarded
His vitals from monster and man.
His sword and his mace paid for linen and lace,
For a fight, all he had was a fan.

But he moved rather well in that fetching pastel,
And he loved how it swirled 'round his thighs,
He was all manly thews down to those spike-heel shoes,
And the townsfolk just stared in surprise.

"What's up with Rupert the Swishy?
Did he lose some kind of bet?
Once armored and bladed, now festive, brocaded,
And possibly no longer het."

As he walked down the street, Rupe could feel the heat
From the onlookers burning with shame,
How dare that their hero like THIS should appear!
O Disgrace! O Despair! Who's to blame?

Rupert tried to ignore, but now he felt unsure --
Was this all just a monstrous whim?
When a young lad ahead looked at Rupert and said,
"Sir... I like that. It makes you look slim!"

Three cheers for Rupert the Swishy,
Hip Hip Hooray and Huzzah!
For fame he was fated the day that he traded
His chainmail shirt for a bra.

So now wearing with pride what he once hid inside
He's still known as Sir Rupert the Strong,
Strong enough to stick tight to what he knew was right,
Though others may think he was wrong.

And you, who might feel something so strong and real
That you think it might burst out your chest
Just be true to your soul, you can make yourself whole --
And be sure your sword matches your dress.

[Andre Fairchilde]

:smallsmile:

Wow! What a story! We knew a guy like that in one of our parties, but we just called him the Pink Ranger!

Ok, here's another question from our intrepid listeners - they sure are adventuresome I'll tell you.

There was once two warring kobold tribes, when one young warrior fell in love with another female warrior from the other tribe. They both set out to start their own clan.

However since they're alone and trying to raise a family, he's wondering if her constant snacking on the eggs of their newly laid kobold young indicates she may be a bad mother, or if it's just guilt for leaving the clan.

Thoughts?

[eidreff]

:smallsmile:

There was once two warring kobold tribes, when one young warrior fell in love with another female warrior from the other tribe. They both set out to start their own clan.

However since they're alone and trying to raise a family, he's wondering if her constant snacking on the eggs of their newly laid kobold young indicates she may be a bad mother, or if it's just guilt for leaving the clan.

Thoughts?

Just a couple of thoughts on this one.

Bad kobold mother. we know you love your eggs, but omlette is wrong way to cook up a family.

Also keeping the in the refridgerator will not help either.

however if you have too many eggs.... mmmm i like omlette too

[MethodicalMeat]

Ah, hello, this is Raquif again, a repeat call.
So, I went ahead and asked the elf-girl to travel with me a while longer. Overjoyed (or so I would assume) she embraced me once more and this time gave me a kiss on my altogether unpleasant forehead (what with the scars and all). Now to the problem.
I...feel certain feelings for her that I have a very difficult time admitting to myself, much less anyone else. Let's continue to call it "fond", for simplicity's sake. She is very, touchy, no that's the wrong word. She like being close, hugs, random kisses..."cuddling", and such. While I do enjoy it, at the same time I am somewhat disconcerted. I top off al little under four feet, whereas she is closer to five and a half. I feel, rather silly, embracing the girl, as fond as I am of her, and worry that she is degrading herself by consorting with the ugly, scarred likes of me.
I am at a loss, what do I do?

[Rex Idiotarum]

"'Ello? Oy, eet werked. Eh, Rexy-boy, tha's a call fer ya!"

Call? I didn't hear the phone ring...

"Jest answer eet."
"Uh... Hello?"
"Eet is the love 'otline.'
"What?!? That'll cost a fortune!"
"Only five gold fer the first five minutes, an' now that yer on, ask a question."
*Sighing* "Fine, I need to know how to find out if a girl loves me and is trying to fool herself into thinking she doesn't, or if she doesn't, and I somehow fooled myself into thinking she does?"

[Shadow]

And I'd like to know why Rex is posting our personal issues here in the forum.... :smallwink:

[Skippy]

And I'd like to know why Rex is posting our personal issues here in the forum.... :smallwink:

((Shush! I want to know the answer!!:smallwink: ))

[CurlyKitGirl]

"Ummm... This is really embarising. The other day, I was riding my dragon to slay some demons, when it got sick. My husband is a druid, I decided to walk back home and get him to help. When I got home, I found him in my room, wearing my thong, my bra, my high-heals, and putting my make-up on. I asked him why, and he said he was out of boxers, so he was wearing mine. When I pointed out that this didn't explain my bra and my make up, he confessed that he'd been doing this for a few months now.

What should I do?

"Well there's the normal option: Panic, kick him out and never have anything to do with him again.
Another option is to ask him why he does it. It could be something psychological at work.
You could deal with it, dress him up and go out as a couple of girls on the town; although you might want him to shave and go to a place you've never been before.
Or maybe get him a Belt Of Gender Change. Let him try it out for a while. Let him find out exactly how it feels to be a woman. Hell, get one yourself and switch genders for a while.
It boils down to: indulge in his fantasy and never spek of it again; embrace it and be girls together; switch genders occaisionally. So, have fun or lose him. It's that simple. I'd advise the talking whichever way you go though."

[CurlyKitGirl]

:smallsmile:

Wow! What a story! We knew a guy like that in one of our parties, but we just called him the Pink Ranger!

Ok, here's another question from our intrepid listeners - they sure are adventuresome I'll tell you.

There was once two warring kobold tribes, when one young warrior fell in love with another female warrior from the other tribe. They both set out to start their own clan.

However since they're alone and trying to raise a family, he's wondering if her constant snacking on the eggs of their newly laid kobold young indicates she may be a bad mother, or if it's just guilt for leaving the clan.

Thoughts?


"She's clearly a bit nervous. Take her to a Kobold spa for a day or so. Let her visit her tribe and hide the eggs away from her of she feels peckish. Buy her some chicken eggs to eat instead.
She isn't a bad mother. Just very nervous. After all you have to build up an entire tribe in a few years. But hide the eggs while allowing them maternal warmth and whatever."

[CurlyKitGirl]

Ah, hello, this is Raquif again, a repeat call.
So, I went ahead and asked the elf-girl to travel with me a while longer. Overjoyed (or so I would assume) she embraced me once more and this time gave me a kiss on my altogether unpleasant forehead (what with the scars and all). Now to the problem.
I...feel certain feelings for her that I have a very difficult time admitting to myself, much less anyone else. Let's continue to call it "fond", for simplicity's sake. She is very, touchy, no that's the wrong word. She like being close, hugs, random kisses..."cuddling", and such. While I do enjoy it, at the same time I am somewhat disconcerted. I top off al little under four feet, whereas she is closer to five and a half. I feel, rather silly, embracing the girl, as fond as I am of her, and worry that she is degrading herself by consorting with the ugly, scarred likes of me.
I am at a loss, what do I do?

"Look, I know Dwarves can't express feelings well but you have a tongue and logic. This is stupid. Tell her that you aren't very good t the openly emotional stuff and that you feel that she's wasting her time with you because you feel she can do so much bettter.
If she chose you then she clearly doesn't care about what anybody else thinks and if you tell her about your height embarrassment she could sort out something.
If you can't be emotional pretend that you have symptoms and tell her the symptoms clearly and concisely."

[CurlyKitGirl]

"'Ello? Oy, eet werked. Eh, Rexy-boy, tha's a call fer ya!"

Call? I didn't hear the phone ring...

"Jest answer eet."
"Uh... Hello?"
"Eet is the love 'otline.'
"What?!? That'll cost a fortune!"
"Only five gold fer the first five minutes, an' now that yer on, ask a question."
*Sighing* "Fine, I need to know how to find out if a girl loves me and is trying to fool herself into thinking she doesn't, or if she doesn't, and I somehow fooled myself into thinking she does?"

"OK Rex. I bet you're about 16. If she likes you she'll be looking at you a lot. TYhis is true especially if she doesn't want to be in love with you. She'll treat you like dirt and go out of her wway to hurt you to put you off her for eternity.
"If she doesn't like you she'll treat you with the usual respect or disrespect she treats all the other bys. If you're her friend she might become closer with you, but to be honest, with friendship it's far harder to tell.
"Ask her out. You can tell by the eyes if it's apity date or she isn't really interested.
"Take the plunge Rex. Take the plunge."

[unstattedCommoner]

Good day. Normally, I wouldn't associate myself with this sort of talk show, but I have a problem. I'm a paladin. Last night I raided a den of inquity where an as yet unidentified individual was unlawfully offering for sale a number of highly explicit illusion scrolls. Thing is, I'm certain the girl on the cover of one of them is my girlfriend. What do you suggest I do?

[Indurain]

Good day. Normally, I wouldn't associate myself with this sort of talk show, but I have a problem. I'm a paladin. Last night I raided a den of inquity where an as yet unidentified individual was unlawfully offering for sale a number of highly explicit illusion scrolls. Thing is, I'm certain the girl on the cover of one of them is my girlfriend. What do you suggest I do?

"Well first off...HIGH FIVE! The girls that make the cover of illusion scrolls are usually prime beef, if you know what I'm talking about. So...well...I've always said, there's some things in life losing class abilities over...and a smokin' hottie...well that's pretty much #1 on my list. So ditch the mount, stop "laying hands" on yourself and keep that girl close. Have fun, maybe look into becoming a blackguard. But never turn down a blessing, even if it is in the form of an illusion scroll."

[Miraqariftsky]

*krrrrring...

rrrrring...

rrrriggg...

rrrringg...

rrrrring...

rrrriggg...

rrrringg...

beeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Blast. Curse this gnomish contraption! Humh. Guess I'll call once more come the morn...

[Xykon_Fan]

Good day. Normally, I wouldn't associate myself with this sort of talk show, but I have a problem. I'm a paladin. Last night I raided a den of inquity where an as yet unidentified individual was unlawfully offering for sale a number of highly explicit illusion scrolls. Thing is, I'm certain the girl on the cover of one of them is my girlfriend. What do you suggest I do?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, I'm all for turning evil and all that, but you might want to make sure she did actually pose for the picture, etc. before you take the plunge. For all you know, she was walking down the street all normal-like and then someone just captured her image as they imagined it. Have you seen enough of your girlfriend's clothes off in order to really tell if the cover was realistic? I don't think so.

Maybe try to make sure that you have your facts straight first before making a commitment to the underworld.

[redzimmer]

Umm, hi. First time caller, long time listener.

So I'm a paladin of Sharess. But I am a bit conflicted. Since one of her portfolios is hedonism, I sometimes feel my Good desire to promote to word of my deity is in conflict with.. with my Lawful tendency to not give into such obviously Chaotic acts. Also to compund this, I just decided to take "Vow of Chastity" as an Exalted Feat.

So my question is, will I lose my class abilities is I nail that drow priestess that's been giving me that kind of look ever since she captured me and my party and made me part of her harem?

[Andre Fairchilde]

Umm, hi. First time caller, long time listener.

So I'm a paladin of Sharess. But I am a bit conflicted. Since one of her portfolios is hedonism, I sometimes feel my Good desire to promote to word of my deity is in conflict with.. with my Lawful tendency to not give into such obviously Chaotic acts. Also to compund this, I just decided to take "Vow of Chastity" as an Exalted Feat.

So my question is, will I lose my class abilities is I nail that drow priestess that's been giving me that kind of look ever since she captured me and my party and made me part of her harem?

"You are a Paladin of a god of hedonism, yet took a Vow of Chastity? (shudder) Are you masochistic? If you enjoy yourself while in the harem, then yes you may lose your class ablilites. However, if you are working in a harem, why would you want to leave anyway?

[A Rainy Knight]

Hi, I'm Billonicus, the nixie. Just call me Bill. Anyways, I'm seeing this nymph, and well, I guess you know about the whole "blinding beauty" thing. I love her very much, but I also love being able to see things! I've asked her to suppress the effect many times before. I've told her that it only takes a free action, and that then I can actually look at her. But she thinks that taking away any part of her ability somehow makes her less beautiful. Could you help me think of a compromise so that she feels that she can be herself and that I can keep my vision?

Thanks,
Billonicus

[Xykon_Fan]

20 levels of scout...blindsight...yippee!

[unstattedCommoner]

Hey guys, long time listener, first time caller.

Anyhoo, I'm a succubus. I'm bored with tempting mortals to their doom and I want to meet a guy and settle down and actually I've met this really great guy who's actually a paladin and I think I can work round that but recently he's been giving me strange looks and muttering about illusions and I think he might have seen some of the stuff I posed for before I decided to settle down and I'm worried in case he decides to smite first and ask questions later if you know what I mean so what do think I should tell him?

[eidreff]

Er hi again, Hgzay'tfatgn the not acidicly slimey at all honest here. Umm ok, i tried what you said before and it worked! Um only now I've got another problem.

See I met this great female of unidentifed species, lets call her "Miss Cthulu". We got on like a house on fire (people screaming and running away, emergency services called etc). Only um well, we were out on our fourth date, we went back to my lair cave um house and things were kind of going well.

Anyway, um next moring I woke up but er Miss Cthulu had um, lost a bit of weight, coff, um like about as much as all of her flesh weighed.

Um, what's the best thing to do with a pile of bleached bones?

[Yeril]

"My name is Marcus, and Im a Marut, anyway I'm having problems contecting with my girlfriend, Just the other day I said to her "Janet, 01101010001010111010100101010111010101?" but she just kept ignoring me, I told her "100010100111011011" but then she just told me to "10001011010111010101010000101000000001101101" and that I should "1000101010101010100111010101010100000001010210101" Naturaly she went to her mothers, ive spoken to her friends but they just tell me that she doesn't want to talk to that "1000101011011101" What should I do?

[A Rainy Knight]

Hey. I'm Herrick. Human fighter. Well, anyways, I met this rogue named Lyss. She's nice and all, but I have an old fear: surprises. Lyss always has to 'sneak attack kiss on the cheek' this or 'sneak attack arm around the shoulder that.' I don't have Spot or Listen ranks worth a can of beans, but every other girl I've met can't get past the fact that Charisma is my dump stat. I nearly jumped out of my skin when she gave me a 'sneak attack love letter-on-an-arrow from behind' yesterday. Should I put up with my fear, or am I just not meant to have a girlfriend?

[Xykon_Fan]

Hey. I'm Herrick. Human fighter. Well, anyways, I met this rogue named Lyss. She's nice and all, but I have an old fear: surprises. Lyss always has to 'sneak attack kiss on the cheek' this or 'sneak attack arm around the shoulder that.' I don't have Spot or Listen ranks worth a can of beans, but every other girl I've met can't get past the fact that Charisma is my dump stat. I nearly jumped out of my skin when she gave me a 'sneak attack love letter-on-an-arrow from behind' yesterday. Should I put up with my fear, or am I just not meant to have a girlfriend?

Hmmmm...short of just throwing ranks into spot and listen, I'd suggest doing something like a magic item that lets you know her location at all times. I'm not sure which magic items could be used for this, but I'm sure if you check out a DM guide from the local "Wizard's Library" you can find something that works.

Seriously though, you're a fighter. Skills aren't terribly important for you. Dump skill points into spot/listen.