Godslayer (sorta) Wizard

[TeChameleon]

So, my current campaign is taking a brief side trip; namely, we are going to be rescuing our current characters using... for lack of a better term, 'evolved' versions of our previous, much-higher-levelled characters.

The hiccup? Our current, barely-level-two characters have been captured by Orcus. In full god-mode. And on his home demiplane (yeah, I know he's supposed to have a fortress on the plane of negative energy, but apparently in this homebrew, he has his own private demiplane instead). And. apparently, this version of Orcus is good friends with Tiamat, and Tiamat is hanging out with him.

On the party's side, we have Bahamut and the Raven Queen (whom the party was inadvertently responsible for creating thanks to time-travel shenanigans), a homebrew god of time (formerly our elemental airship's AI, and who I swear is a nascent form of the City of Doors), Ioun (whom the party is semi-deliberately responsible for creating courtesy of the selfsame time-travel shenanigans and an immensely powerful intelligent artifact), all of whom are on good-to-excellent terms with the party, thanks to, y'know, the whole 'bringing them into existence' thing and the friendship that apparently develops over millennia. There's also the party themselves, who are all apparently god-tier courtesy of immortality and four millennia of honing their various crafts.

So, by word-of-DM, the objective is not to kill Orcus (and Tiamat, I guess), but rather to rescue our noob alter-egos (and help them survive the insane deific slapfight that's going to be happening), and we can do pretty much anything... once. Much like a shounen character, once Orcus has been hit by something, he can 'see through the move' and is basically immune to it. Oh- and just dialing up our characters' stats so that they can outmuscle Orcus won't work, because plot, basically.

All this is a long and rambling way to ask the Playground for a hand thinking of unkind, painful, and preferably spectacular things that can be done to a level 35 Orcus by a wizard who has access to all of the spells, an INT/WIS score of 'yes', and a grudge dating back 4000 years, starting when Orcus tried to horribly murder said wizard, and the wizard eventually retaliated by slapping Orcus and his undead horde with... I think it was eight, total... kilometre-high tidal waves in rapid succession, courtesy of the removal of a significant part of the continent and what basically amounts to an infinite magic capacitor.

... which, come to think of, the characters also still have.

Anyways, thus far I've come up with:

- Turning Orcus' eyeballs to FOOF (http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2010/02/23/things_i_wont_work_with_dioxygen_difluoride) and/or Chlorine Trifluoride (http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2008/02/26/sand_wont_save_you_this_time) (FOOF is wonderful stuff, the list of things which cause it to explode violently including such gems as 'motion', 'contact', and 'absolutely nothing', and Chlorine Trifluoride is such fun that the government-mandated safety procedure for dealing with a spill is 'run away'... and it has the dubious joy of being simultaneously toxic, acidic, and setting very nearly everything it comes into contact with explosively ablaze, with the one exception being the fluorinated rust-equivalent that forms on the surface of certain metals. When your chemical sets asbestos on fire, you know it's good stuff. Or impressively nasty stuff, anyways).

- Portals to fun places (the heart of the sun, a black hole, the positive energy plane, the demi-elemental plane of sovereign glue)

- Using Wish to subvert Orcus' summonings/forcing Orcus to gate in things that will be severely pissed off with him

- Turning Orcus (briefly) into a frog

- Making Orcus think that he is a frog

- Fusing plasma condensed into a millimetre-thick "death ray" (my wizard started off as a pyromancer and retains a fondness for fire even into deity-ish-ness)

- Overloading Orcus' pain centers

- Overloading Orcus' pleasure centers

- Overloading both pain and pleasure centers simultaneously

- Summoning one of Eris' apples (or the nearest approriate equivalent) attached to one of Tiamat's heads

So, can I request further ideas from the Playground? Maybe even some with roughly apropos 5e spells to base them off of?

[Unoriginal]

Just cast Magic Jar on him.

You have "I Win" buttons, use them.

Don't really see the point of being that ridiculously powerful myself, but eh, if you have fun, that's what matter.

Plus Orcus being defeated by Necromancy is fun.

[TeChameleon]

Unfortunately, I can almost guarantee that wouldn't work, from what I know of the DM; either the Magic Jar would just fail after a turn or two (because Orcus' home demiplane is just set up like that), it wouldn't work in the first place, or the entire demiplane would *poof* out of existence and take both parties with it :smallmad:

[Nettlekid]

Unfortunately, I can almost guarantee that wouldn't work, from what I know of the DM; either the Magic Jar would just fail after a turn or two (because Orcus' home demiplane is just set up like that), it wouldn't work in the first place, or the entire demiplane would *poof* out of existence and take both parties with it :smallmad:

So you think your DM will just fiat/handwave a legitimate use of an existing spell, but you DON'T think he'll handwave something like overloading Orcus' pleasure centers or transmuting his eyeballs?

[Unoriginal]

So you think your DM will just fiat/handwave a legitimate use of an existing spell, but you DON'T think he'll handwave something like overloading Orcus' pleasure centers or transmuting his eyeballs?

I second this question.

Rather than asking yourself what you can do, ask yourself what your DM will let you do.

Then decide if it's worth it to play in such a session.

[Contrast]

We can't really help you here because at this point it sounds like you're doing freeform co-operative story telling rather than D&D. If thats your jam, that's cool. But the only advice I can give you in that situation is to talk to your DM and fellow players because they're the only ones who know what rules do and don't apply.

So my real question is why exactly do Orcus, Tiamt and your pseudo-god ex-PCs care to fight to the death over your new level 2 characters who presumably just managed to kill some goblins before being kidnapped.

[Theodoxus]

yeah, this is almost a trick question. "Hey playground, come up with some really nifty ideas that a near godlike wizard could try, and I'll shoot them down with "nah, my DM isn't like that, you don't know him."

Pass. Hard. pass.

[TeChameleon]

Oog. Have to apologize, had no intention of making this any kind of a trick question.

And yes, I actually do think he'll handwave things in that fashion because of a conversation I had with him after last week's session.

And the actual play format is, going to be, I can almost guarantee, sort of weird, because I don't think the DM communicated all that well to the rest of the group just how freeform it's going to be :smalleek:

So some RAW backup tricks to the various strange things I'm going to be attempting would be nice, just in case.

And the thing that would probably help to keep in mind would be that the DM wants this to be a big, epic blowout with a gigantic, final-battle-of-Wheel-of-Time feel to it, so anything that would allow a quick-and-easy resolution of things is going to be blocked by DM fiat.

And the noobs were in a 'carry the Ring to Mordor' sort of situation- carrying some weird meteor-artifact-thing to a handoff point while the uber ex-PCs made a lof of noise and fought off the big nasties that the noobs wouldn't even be able to perceive, much less fight against (said meteor-artifact is apparently the heart of some kind of super-magic space whale or some such, which explains Orcus' interest in it- he could probably make some kind of rather funky undead out of it).