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PsyBlade
2007-09-12, 02:23 PM
In honor of the mighty thread that is 'Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming' and an interesting thread on Kobolds, I've decided to throw together a thread on things to not do against Kobolds.

1) Do not underestimate Kobold made traps. They have years of experience at making them and making them part of a massive array of traps, you only at surviving them (typically only one at a time, not a whole cave of them).

AKA_Bait
2007-09-12, 02:25 PM
2. Do not chase the kobold who popped out to give the party a bronx cheer down the narrow hallway.

3. Do not underestimate the slightly smaller kobold with a wand.

Chaos Bringer
2007-09-12, 02:26 PM
4) Do not EVER assume theres only one Kobold.
5) Always kill the one with the robe first. If it also has a monocle, run away!

AKA_Bait
2007-09-12, 02:28 PM
6) Do not bring any pet or animal you value into the warrens.

7) Do not assume that because the kobold just stepped there, you can.

PlatinumJester
2007-09-12, 02:29 PM
8) If it's just a bunch of low level warriors then don't bother to even draw your sword.

PsyBlade
2007-09-12, 02:32 PM
7) Do not assume that because the kobold just stepped there, you can.

7a) You -more likely than not- weigh more than they do. Those spots probably are pressure sensitive.

AKA_Bait
2007-09-12, 02:33 PM
8a) because you may need that free hand to catch the edge of the pit that just opened up below your feet.

9) If none of the kobolds have any metal weapons or armor don't assume it's because they are poor. Beware of rust monsters.

Chaos Bringer
2007-09-12, 02:35 PM
10) Dont make short jokes, its just not nice and they have easy access your tender bits.

11) Dont get angry that Kobolds can roll criticals too. (A friend played a monk and a kobold double critted his arm and shattered every bone in it)

Nerd-o-rama
2007-09-12, 02:38 PM
12) If at all possible, do not engage kobolds in any area that they've had time to prepare for battle. This includes warrens of kobolds that the magistrate wants you to clear out for cash. Lure them outside!
13) Speaking of preparation, DO NOT LET THE KOBOLDS READ THIS LIST.

Arbitrarity
2007-09-12, 02:42 PM
14: Any kobold with a wand, or casting a spell, when you are below 25 hp, means you should either disrupt him, run AWAY, or die. Painfully.

Amphimir Míriel
2007-09-12, 02:57 PM
15- Dont insist on wanting one as a pet*; just like hamsters, they cannot be succesfully tamed and will bite your fingers at the first opportunity

* One of my players once insisted on sparing a kobold and "keeping" him as... dunno, pet? animal companion? It did not work
...the whole experiment ended when the Wolf animal companion of another player killed it in self defense.

ocato
2007-09-12, 03:00 PM
16. While sad, a bag of puppies works both as a trap springer and bait.

psychoticbarber
2007-09-12, 03:04 PM
17. Don't ever, ever, ever rush ahead of the rest of your party.

AKA_Bait
2007-09-12, 03:05 PM
16. While sad, a bag of puppies works both as a trap springer and bait.

16a. Not to mention lunch.

Rolaran
2007-09-12, 03:24 PM
18: If their spears are at your neck, their teeth are at your groin.

*displays the customary cookie for the first to get the reference*

Zim
2007-09-12, 03:30 PM
19. Never take what appears to be the easy route. Wide passages usually lead to messy death.

PS #18 sounds like a reworking of Gurney Halleck to Paul about not letting your guard down in a shield fight.

Tweekinator
2007-09-12, 03:32 PM
20. Don't ever stop the killing. You made it through those traps, dammit, and now they get to pay.

tannish2
2007-09-12, 03:35 PM
well... ive got one for high level parties, when your DM rolls a kobold random encounter and you have energy gestalt feat, dont include your fighter in the AOE of the cone of cold/quickened lightning bolt combo, even if you DO catch 5 more kobolds in it, in fact, this applies to just about any creature 6 HD or less, especially if you have a 26 int+spell focus and the fighter does not have evasion....

Green Bean
2007-09-12, 03:41 PM
21. Don't send the wizard in first.

Dausuul
2007-09-12, 03:41 PM
22. If you hear a kobold giggle, stop doing whatever you're doing.

22a. If you're not doing anything, do something. Fast.

mostlyharmful
2007-09-12, 04:25 PM
23. Never try to rest up within a ten mile radius of a kobold lair, you will be char broiled and served with a white wine sauce:smallannoyed:


Edit: Fahvah beans opptional but preferred:smallfrown:

Kurald Galain
2007-09-12, 05:35 PM
Don't cast area effect spells. Yes, your 10d6 fireball will kill that 1-HD kobold. However, you'll catch yourself in the blast radius.

Tengu
2007-09-12, 05:37 PM
18: If their spears are at your neck, their teeth are at your groin.

*displays the customary cookie for the first to get the reference*

Terry Pratchett.

25. Avoid the kobold Ardent with max ranks in Knowledge: Religion.

tannish2
2007-09-12, 06:21 PM
epic AOE spells are not for kobolds. it doesnt matter how many you can hit per party member. just no.

Xuincherguixe
2007-09-12, 06:46 PM
26. Don't wear your kobold tooth necklace in front of them.

Afraidofsharpie
2007-09-12, 06:52 PM
27) Don't...ah you know what? Just don't fight Kobolds.
27a) Especially if your GM's name is Tucker

jjpickar
2007-09-12, 06:57 PM
28. Don't tempt them with babies. For some reason they consider them a delicacy.

Skyserpent
2007-09-12, 07:01 PM
29. Do not assist any ally that has fallen into a Pit Trap that was prepared by Kobolds. He's already dead.

Quietus
2007-09-12, 07:49 PM
29. Do not assist any ally that has fallen into a Pit Trap that was prepared by Kobolds. He's already dead.

30. If you find a patch of brown mould, for heaven's sake, don't throw it in the 30 foot spiked pit nearby, then "test it" by throwing in random bits of flaming trash

31. If you MUST do #30, GET RID OF IT before you move past it, for heaven's sake! Kobolds have no qualms about the minor setback of a much larger patch of mould, if it means getting rid of pesky adventurers and taking their stuff.

Fax Celestis
2007-09-12, 07:52 PM
32. If you can't see the kobolds, you're already doomed.

DraPrime
2007-09-12, 07:53 PM
33. Don't wave the dismembered limbs of their families. This tends to REALLY piss them off.

Mewtarthio
2007-09-12, 07:57 PM
34) Don't sleep in the warren. They will just build more traps around you.
35) Don't enter a Rope Trick or MMM in the warren. They will build a large trap right where you disappeared.
36) Don't teleport out of the warren. By the time you come back, they'll have reset all the traps and added new ones.
37) You know what? Just don't go into the warren at all.

Green Bean
2007-09-12, 08:01 PM
32. If you can't see the kobolds, you're already doomed.

38. If you can see the kobolds, you're already doomed.

39. You know what? You're pretty much doomed regardless.

Roderick_BR
2007-09-12, 08:13 PM
40. If you see a group of kobolds, don't bother. Even your fighter can beat them.
40a. If you see an army of kobolds, load your favorite wand or weapon, and have some leisure time killing them by the bucketful.
40b. If you see one lonely kobold. RUN!

EvilElitest
2007-09-12, 08:59 PM
41- Always assume the kobold has a trick up his sleeve. I don't care if he is in chains with 1 hit point. i don't care if he is a mage in an anti magic spell, he problely has a secret somewere
42- If a Kobold says he is going to blow himself up with a potion of fire ball in order to protect his clan, don't assume he is bluffing
43- Never let them take control of Helm's Deep, it will be undefeatable

from,
EE

Bassetking
2007-09-12, 09:02 PM
44. Cloudkill is the proper response to a Kobold Warren.

45. Vengeful Gaze of God is not.

Deth Muncher
2007-09-12, 09:35 PM
46. If you ever see a Kobold named Pun-Pun, run. RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

BardicDuelist
2007-09-12, 09:43 PM
46. If you ever see a Kobold named Pun-Pun, run. RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

47. Don't let kobolds say Pazuzu, get a candle of invocation, or meet Sharklu (or w/e it is called). If any of these events happen, try to run to a new multiverse. The on you are currently in is not worth trying to save.

48. Kill the kobold bard, it will save you more headaches than you know (I love Deeken, but I hate his voice).

Nerd-o-rama
2007-09-12, 10:14 PM
49. Pay no attention to rule 48. Doom doom dooooooooooooom...
50. As for 47, just wipe the Sarrukh out of existence and all recorded history. You might be safe then.

jaqueses
2007-09-12, 10:22 PM
Nerd-o-rama is that supposed to be 50 or 49a?

Nerd-o-rama
2007-09-12, 10:33 PM
Oh, let's call it 50.

jaqueses
2007-09-12, 10:42 PM
Ok then.

51) Do not leave behind magic items. That just gives them MORE power.

52) Leave the Gnome in town. His children though might make a good peace offering.

53) If you hear nothing you are doomed.

themightybiggun
2007-09-12, 10:47 PM
54. Do not underestimate your own ability to suck at grapple checks, and the kobold's ability to succeed at them.

(Buddy's Elven Scout was grappled for three rounds by a kobold warrior...biggest...fail...ever.)

Dervag
2007-09-12, 10:49 PM
Kobolds at Helm's Deep... that's a frightening thought. There's a ready-made warren for them in back of the main fortifications, too.

Khanderas
2007-09-13, 01:24 AM
33. Don't wave the dismembered limbs of their families. This tends to REALLY piss them off.

55. DO wave the dismembered limbs of their families. An enraged kobold is not a fearsome sight of barbarian might and when they are mad they make mistakes.

Conners
2007-09-13, 01:29 AM
56: NEVER leave your kobold rogue alone with your gnome illusionist.

57: Don't leave him with dwarves either, or halflings.

58: .......... Keep your kobold rogue tied up at all times.

Conners
2007-09-13, 07:23 AM
59: Do NOT convince the kobold sorcerer he's a dragon, no matter how funny the results may be.

60: Never let the kobold sorcerer be the first to examine a magic item, especially not wands.

61: If the trap is in plain sight, then you are all going to die.

JellyPooga
2007-09-13, 07:30 AM
59: Do NOT convince the kobold sorcerer he's a dragon, no matter how funny the results may be.

62: Don't underestimate the power latent within Draconic blood...especially when the Kobold Sorcerer has either been convinced or has convinced himself that he is a Dragon...it's generally not a funny situation.

Mr. Moogle
2007-09-13, 08:43 AM
63. If the kobold leader is a massive-brained, super-fast super-wise, And has huge muscles (and if your DM hates you). Place all your gear at his feet, bow, and walk away sloooowlyyyyyy

Drider
2007-09-13, 08:56 AM
64. Lots of character sheets.
65. Never let them see tomb of horrors.
65b. NEVAH!!!

Irreverent Fool
2007-09-13, 10:45 AM
66. Don't assume that the party of adventurers that was never heard from again that the townsfolk sent in before you didn't have magical items that the kobolds are fully capable of using. (Had this happen to a freshly-rolled party. Started up at ECL 4 and ran into some nastiness. Since they didn't get very far, had them roll up anew and show up in town a month or so after the initial party. Town was in worse shape due to the machinations of the evil kobold tribe and begged the wandering sellswords to do something before it was too late but to be on their guard. They were eventually confronted by a kobold hexblade with a human-skull helmet and the monkey-grip feat as he wielded the expired fighter's old sword. Later, they were faced with numerous ambushes from kobolds appearing out of thin air thanks to the wizard's spellbook having contained 'rope trick' and a certain kobold wizard's ability to write scrolls.)

xKiv
2007-09-13, 11:05 AM
67a. Don't think you are just fighting kobolds.
67b. Don't think you are just fighting kobolds.
67c. Don't think you are just fighting kobolds.
67d. Don't think you are just fighting kobolds.
67e. Don't think you are just fighting kobolds.
67f. Don't think you are just fighting kobolds.

The Mormegil
2007-09-13, 11:34 AM
68. Don't try you're Detonate spell on the swarmy army of the BBEG kobold with a wand: it will just be a double edged boomerang weapon...
69. Don't you dare try to believe your party's kobold sorcerer.
69a. Expecially when your life depends on it.
69b. And expecially when he has a brand-new wand.
70. Not all kobolds can craft a horribly lethal trap.
70a. But all of them can use it!
71. Don't assume that since those kobolds are just koboldly kobolds you're pissed.
71a. BUT! Assume you may want another PC.*
72. Don't try deceiving your DM in changing the Epic Spell Seed Origin of a Specie into the Epic Spell Seed End of a Specie... It will just turn out being too obviously broken.
72a. And probably won't work.**


*For reasons children shouldn't know.
** Don't ask why: just assume someone had 3 levels in the Master of Many Forms PrC, a viper familiar and a copy of Savage Species and Serpent's Kingdom.

BadJuJu
2007-09-13, 11:35 AM
68. Cmbat expertise is an acceptable response.
69. Naps are not.
70. Despite rumors, kobalds can use balistas quiet well.
71. In conjunction with explosives.

Chaos Bringer
2007-09-13, 11:55 AM
72) I dont care what your charisma score is, you CANT seduce kobolds.
73) Barbarians (especially "lonely" ones) cant handle dead kobolds anymore.

73 still makes me cry sometimes.

Nakun
2007-09-13, 12:04 PM
74.Don't Assume that your 18str fighter can grapple one just because they're tiny and weak. No really, ours was out grappled by a kobold. ph34r them.

purepolarpanzer
2007-09-13, 12:37 PM
75. Just because the warren has been fireballed, couldkilled, bunkerbusted, stomped, restomped, annihilated, crushed, mangled, imploded, exploded, removed from reality, ripped to shreds, decomposed, and left to rot for 50 years doesn't mean all the traps or gone.
75.a. or the Kobolds.
75.b. or the Kobolds with instant traps.
75.c. Or the Instant traps that activate in your hand, while the ghosts of the kobolds chuckle softly to themselvs.

lord_khaine
2007-09-13, 12:40 PM
75. dont forget that when all is said and done its just kobolds, they are small, weak and not that smart, keep cool and shot them down as they appear.

Chaos Bringer
2007-09-13, 12:59 PM
75. dont forget that when all is said and done its just kobolds, they are small, weak and not that smart, keep cool and shot them down as they appear.

76) And try not to get stabbed by the ninja kobolds that DONT appear.

Chaos Bringer
2007-09-13, 01:01 PM
77) Shut down any arguments about who would win in a fight between 100 Goblin Pirates and 100 Kobold Ninjas. This is not productive session time. (but i really do wonder....)

Skyserpent
2007-09-13, 01:57 PM
78. being anything larger than small size. Their traps are designed primarily for medium sized foes, do not be one of them.

tainsouvra
2007-09-13, 02:36 PM
75. dont forget that when all is said and done its just kobolds, they are small, weak and not that smart, keep cool and shot them down as they appear. I would also name that the first on a new list of "famous last words upon entering a kobold warren".

Crazy_Uncle_Doug
2007-09-13, 02:58 PM
79. Don't try to recruit the kobolds for an all dragonkin review of "A Chorus Line". Kobolds do not do choreography.
80. Don't invite the kobolds to the movies. They don't know how to turn off their cell phones.

AKA_Bait
2007-09-13, 03:13 PM
81. Don't offer to take the kobolds out to dinner. They will either suggest the orphanage or the stables.

Crazy_Uncle_Doug
2007-09-13, 05:07 PM
82. Remember that though they are easily startled, they will be back -- and in greater numbers.

Nostri
2007-09-13, 05:20 PM
83. Don't ever assume anything in a kobald warren is "just" a natural rock formation.
83a. And even if it does happen to be one it's probably got enough traps tied to it your grandchildren will be feeling them.

Harlequin
2007-09-13, 06:12 PM
84. Never assume the scout's estimates on number of kobold guards ahead are accurate.
84a. Never assume that, just because the guards did not seem to notice the scout, the entire lair is not alerted to your presence.
85. Never forget that, with their numbers, kobolds will always be better at what you do than you are.
86. Kobolds are the only creatures in the world with power in numbers. Do not forget this. Bringing henchmen will only exponentially increase your chance of setting off the traps.
86a. There will be traps.

Conners
2007-09-13, 10:02 PM
87. Keep the image of a half-kobold out of your mind, it leads to devious, horrible things.
88. Don't assume throwing the dragon-wrought kobold villain into the bottomless chasm will kill him, they have been known to spontaneously grow wings.
89. Kobold hatchlings may seem cute, but when they grow up at are trying to stab you in your sleep you'll be sorry.
90. NEVER make a copy of this thread titled: "Things not to do when fighting Gnolls" :smallbiggrin: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=3189570#post3189570
91. Always attack the darkness when inside a kobold warren, there are so many your likely to get at least one.
91a. When attacking the darkness, beware of traps that are activated this way.

BadJuJu
2007-09-14, 11:36 AM
77) Shut down any arguments about who would win in a fight between 100 Goblin Pirates and 100 Kobold Ninjas. This is not productive session time. (but i really do wonder....)

The pirtates win until there is one ninja left, then he becomes death incarnate.

TheAlmightyOne
2007-09-14, 03:38 PM
92. If youve managed to 'convince' a small band of goblins to help you fight the kobolds, whatever you do, do not get them into a line and move next to them in order to get a better shot at the sourcerer with your bow. you will miss and the sourcerer will then cast chain lightning now youve moved into the one unnocupied square that will be affected

this happened although i didnt mind cos i survived the attack and found another chain lightning scroll on his corpse.

93. just because you have killed all the other kobolds, you are flanking the last one and you have 2 fighters, 2 rogues, a wizard, 2 clerics and a bard all surrounding him dont expect to hit him util 7 turns later

also happened. we named the kobold and held a funeral for Lucky.

Harlequin
2007-09-15, 01:43 AM
The pirtates win until there is one ninja left, then he becomes death incarnate.

Indeed. The Inverse Ninja Law serves us well.

Conners
2007-09-16, 11:39 AM
94. The top-half of a kobold's head does not make a stylish hat.
94a. Even if you are psychopathic evil halfling with gross tendencies.

Conners
2007-09-20, 11:00 AM
95. Kobolds are not addicted to soap, regardless of what happened in your last DM's campaign setting.
96. Don't insult the kobold warrior's unmanliness. Especially when it might be a girl.
97. When I perform an aimed attack on an average kobold's crotch, I mustn't complain when the DM rolls to see whether its female or male.
97a. Even when that particular kobold has a girlie name.
98. I don't care what your strength is, your not going to beat the kobold tribe at a tug-of-war.
99. Kobolds can and will resist challenges to Dance-Dance-Revolution.
100. The fact it's number one-hundred does not mean it's the best joke ever!

Conners
2007-09-21, 11:48 PM
101. The kobold may not say, "Yo brother," as a greeting to drow, or denizens of the underdark in general, or anyone at all.
102. It is only to be expected for the kobolds to take dastardly revenge after you copied their thread twice, so stop whining :smallbiggrin:: Things not to do when Fighting Drow: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=3229987#post3229987
103. If you say, "Kobold traps of DOOOM!" one more time, then rocks will suddenly fall and kill you all.
104. There is no kobold song.
104a. Even if there is, the bard is not allowed to sing it.

Wraithy
2007-09-22, 10:23 AM
105. throw one in a pit and hope he starves (they can metabolise dirt and rocks)
106. exclaim that chromatic dragons are weak.
107. assume that their only strategy is "overwelm the intruders with numbers"

SCPRedMage
2007-10-11, 12:38 AM
108. If you cannot SEE any kobolds, and you cannot HEAR any kobolds, and you cannot SMELL any kobolds, you might be safe. It's probably more likely, however, that you're mere moments away from kobold-related doom.

SoD
2007-10-11, 09:10 AM
109-never walk through a doorway where-the rogue found a trap. And disabled it. And is positive it's safe.
109b-No really.
109c-Don't do it.
109d-That trap was probably meant to be found and disabled, so you're not expecting the well made and hard to spot trap. That one's much more lethal.
110-When the DM tells you that you're going to be going into a kobald lair...never trust the kobold rogue. Even if it's been in the party since first level.
111- NEVER mix rules 109 and 110...

Personal experience.

Roderick_BR
2007-10-11, 09:47 AM
78. being anything larger than small size. Their traps are designed primarily for medium sized foes, do not be one of them.
112- Don't be a halfling either. The traps may have halfling-bane properties.
112b- Don't be a gnome too. The kobolds may mistake you for a halfling.
112c- You could be a goblin, avoiding the size and race traps... but the rest will probably deal enough damage to kill you.
112d- You know what? You shouldn't be messing with kobold traps at all. Better stay home.

Nevar
2007-10-11, 11:33 AM
113: There is always a second wave. Even if it is already the second wave.

SoD
2007-10-11, 01:14 PM
114-watch out, some Kobalds serve dragons...and if you get past the traps, and the kobalds...you're still lunch.

SoD
2007-10-11, 01:16 PM
114-watch out, some Kobalds serve dragons...and if you get past the traps, and the kobalds...you're still lunch.

Kaelik
2007-10-11, 02:16 PM
112- Don't be a halfling either. The traps may have halfling-bane properties.
112b- Don't be a gnome too. The kobolds may mistake you for a halfling.
112c- You could be a goblin, avoiding the size and race traps... but the rest will probably deal enough damage to kill you.
112d- You know what? You shouldn't be messing with kobold traps at all. Better stay home.

Um? No? Kobolds natural enemies are gnomes not halflings. Switch that.

Armads
2007-10-11, 08:16 PM
115-You can get worshipped if you go in as a half-dragon.
115a - Just don't go in as a half-dragon gnome. You'll be the first casualty in your party.

huyneo
2007-10-11, 08:40 PM
116-Do not take a dead, charred, roasted, kobold as a tower shield then
use it as a puppet to tell other kobolds that their are people ahead.
116a- It never works.
117- Even when there is an encounter with kobolds, there will be a trap.

Lavin
2007-10-11, 08:53 PM
118- If there is even the slightest posibility that the kobold-infested cave you are about to enter might be laced with the burning plague, don't enter. (Those things are such a pain to fight when their sick. I mean, their even more mean than usual, and contact makes you sick.)



I would also name that the first on a new list of "famous last words upon entering a kobold warren".

Oh, wow. I can see it now:

Player 1: "Don't forget that when all is said and done, it's just kobolds, they are small, weak and not that smart. Keep cool and shoot them down as they appear."

Player 2: Look behind you, man.

Player 1: *looks and sees Kobold army* Oh, Holy Sh-

---

Later that evening:

Player 2:
*to the rest of the group*
"Well, you all heard the last thing out of his mouth.
[everyone nods frantically]
"And seeing as how he was the only casualty, I think we all learned a valuable lesson."
[everyone nods frantically]

Lavin
2007-10-11, 09:52 PM
82. Remember that though they are easily startled, they will be back -- and in greater numbers.

You, sir, win a cookie.

Roderick_BR
2007-10-11, 10:37 PM
Um? No? Kobolds natural enemies are gnomes not halflings. Switch that.
Ack, I always mistakes those :smallsigh: I really need to read the Players again.