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View Full Version : Rate my backstory #3 - Zelrath, warforged warlock



Cogwheel
2007-09-13, 02:49 AM
In hellfire was I forged
In the crucible of war was my soul tempered
A shard of Khyber is my heart
A demon my soul
Clad in soulsteel
I am naught but a shell

For I am Zelrath, the damned one.

For as long as I can remember, I have fought, fought for those who had created me, those who were responsible for my accursed existence, those who would butcher thousands without a second thought, yet would shy from the deed themselves. They cared not for a soldier such as I, indeed, they cared not for any of their creations.

For my entire life, the demon within has guided my hand, the hand that killed so many. I was never free, my will was never my own. Always, the demon that I housed held power over me, and I was naught but a puppet. The only ones who could salvage my wretched existence were those who began it, my creators, and they cared not.

Year after year, I butchered hundreds mindlessly as the demon, as my creators commanded, feeling nothing, thinking nothing.

And then, at last, salvation came...but the price was too high.

Flames on the horizon. A dull, low roar silencing even the last screams of the dead and dying. On that day, all life was scoured from the battlefield, yet the souls of the dead would find no rest. Their bodies would lie forever on the blasted land, for this is the Mourning.

Yet I survived. And as I stood there, standing tall, alone among the carnage, unharmed, I asked myself one question: why? The moment I asked myself this, another question, yet more terrible, came to my mind: was it me?

For years, I pondered this question, cursing my existence that had allowed this vile fiend to live, to live within me, wandering what was now the Mournland. For years, I walked alone, alone with the mist, alone with the dead.

My creators were died on that day, and with their deaths, little by little, the demon relinquished its grip on me. My mind was my own at last, leaving me to brood on the deeds I was forced to commit, the thousands of innocents I had felled. Yet, even then, the demon would take back its own at times, and no more would my mind be my own, as it would take control once more.

For those years, I searched for my purpose in life, some purpose beyond a war machine, yet I found none. I tell you this now, there is no pain in heaven or hell that is greater than that of knowing that you have no purpose.

At long last, I came to a decision. I could not destroy myself, for though I would gladly do so and destroy the fiend within me, it would not allow me to do so. Yet I could not allow myself to butcher more innocents, and so I came to my decision: I would exile myself to the land of Sarlona, away from civilization, away from any that I might bring harm to.

Today, I rise to the shores of Sarlona after a long walk through the seas, one that has taken me two tireless months. Whether it is a road that will lead me to redemption or perdition, I know not, yet it is the only road the world has left for me.

Citizen Joe
2007-09-13, 07:04 AM
In hellfire was I forged
In the crucible of war was my soul tempered
A shard of Khyber is my heart
A demon my soul
Clad in soulsteel
I am naught but a shell

For I am Zelrath, the damned one.

For as long as I can remember...
I got this far and thought: EMO. And couldn't bring myself to read any further.

EDIT: Constructive criticism: Try reworking this as a project log for the designers. Design specs. Problems during creation. Throw in a birthday party for the engineers at some point. Maybe something about capturing a demon or something to harness its energy.

One of the last things implanted into a warforged is a sense of self. In the case of a warlock with the demon/devil/whatever implant I'd go so far as it referring to itself as WE.

AslanCross
2007-09-13, 08:32 AM
I don't mind the emo part. It certainly is a twist on the stereotypically emotionless warforged. Sharing essence with a chaotic evil outsider is doubtless going to affect his way of seeing things.

I do agree with the "We" thing that Citizen Joe suggested, but perhaps it only comes at certain times, during episodes of the demon's control. Something like how the possessed man in the Bible said "My name is Legion, for we are many."

Citizen Joe
2007-09-13, 09:00 AM
I am EMOBOT. You will listen to my poetry.:smallamused:

Seriously though, backstories should generate interest in your character. Not just your own interest (you already know the story), but interest from other players and the DM. Good stories need to draw your attention immediately so as not to lose interest.

Cogwheel
2007-09-13, 09:20 AM
C.J. - That was my intention I'm sorry if you didn't like it, but I did actually write it for others to read, not me. Also, Good call on the engineering log thing, I might write the story from both points of view when I have some time.

Aslan - Thanks, I'll go with your version of the "we" thing. Also, it does affect him, there's split personalities and all, but he's generally NG.

To anyone who cares to answer my question - at the risk of sounding like an uneducated idiot, could someone please explain what "emo" means? Presumably it's not good, if the way it's used is anything to go by, just wondering what it means.

internerdj
2007-09-13, 09:49 AM
To anyone who cares to answer my question - at the risk of sounding like an uneducated idiot, could someone please explain what "emo" means? Presumably it's not good, if the way it's used is anything to go by, just wondering what it means.
Emo is a label for goth types that wear their heart on their sleeves so to speak. They are in touch with their emotions. Typified by writing poetry and listening to angsty music. It was cool once upon a time but it has been overdone and has gone out of style.

Lord Tataraus
2007-09-13, 10:00 AM
To anyone who cares to answer my question - at the risk of sounding like an uneducated idiot, could someone please explain what "emo" means? Presumably it's not good, if the way it's used is anything to go by, just wondering what it means.

Well, you could always check wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emo_%28slang%29#_note-gurl_magazine). This is what they say (under personality):

When referring to a person's personality and attitude, most definitions of emo hold that an emo person is emotionally candid, sensitive, shy, introverted, glum, and quiet. Depressed and broken-hearted are sometimes used to describe the emo personality. Emo music and poetry contain multiple references to unrequited love, emotional and relationship problems.

The term emo in this sense basically means that the character is full of his self-pity and depression, in a manner of drawing attention to himself and with no intention of "curing" his self-pity and depression. And if he wasn't a warforged, he would probably slit his wrists 'cause life is pain.

bignate
2007-09-13, 10:04 AM
i dont think i like the demonic warforged thing but i got kind of excited when i saw the title. i have a concept for a warforged warlock(not in ebberon though) but i made up my own backgroud flavor that instead of getting his warlock power from some demonic heritage he is learning how to tap into his his eternal golem-like power supply to perform his invocations...he also has a facination with all magical items being creations like himself and wants to create items himself

edit: didnt mean to jack your post, just made me think of an old concept.

Lord_Gareth
2007-09-13, 07:28 PM
For the love of god - is everyone on the Gaming section a friggin' flamer?

Citizen, you have dropped from my, "unknown" list to my, "target with Voodoo rituals" list.

Personally, I like the concept, even if I do have to go in for the, "We" thing. It's pretty sickening that we live in an age where a tragic character gets labeled as emo and passed off as a joke, though.

Citizen Joe
2007-09-13, 07:32 PM
Citizen, you have dropped from my, "unknown" list to my, "target with Voodoo rituals" list.

So YOU are the one that jambed up rpgwebprofiler.net.

Reel On, Love
2007-09-13, 07:39 PM
CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEEEAL

Saph
2007-09-13, 07:46 PM
CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEEEAL

Y'know, I used to like that song.

- Saph

Green Bean
2007-09-13, 07:47 PM
CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEEEAL

Well, not if you keep asking the cleric. You should really talk with the party wizard. :smallwink:

horseboy
2007-09-13, 07:55 PM
For the love of god - is everyone on the Gaming section a friggin' flamer?

Citizen, you have dropped from my, "unknown" list to my, "target with Voodoo rituals" list.

Personally, I like the concept, even if I do have to go in for the, "We" thing. It's pretty sickening that we live in an age where a tragic character gets labeled as emo and passed off as a joke, though.

It's not that it's a joke because it's emo, it's just one of those things that very overdone (http://www.thenoobcomic.com/daily/strip248.html). For an emo story it's pretty good, and I could certainly see this character as having an extra helping of angstburger casserole. So long as the rest of the party is okay with that much soul searching pain, and you don't hog up too much spotlight, then it sounds like a good background.

Reel On, Love
2007-09-13, 07:57 PM
Y'know, I used to like that song.

- Saph

That's not an admission one ought to make in public. A more appropriate action might be admitting it to yourself and then shuddering and vowing never to speak of it.

Reel On, Love
2007-09-13, 08:09 PM
It's pretty sickening that we live in an age where a tragic character gets labeled as emo and passed off as a joke, though.

No, "emo" is different from "tragic". "Life is pain! Woe is me! /wrists" is emo. And so is "my heritage is horrible, I'm eeeeeevil, I can never atone, I must exile myself from the world! But it's not my fault because I'm possessed by a demon! See how I suffer? Oh, if only I could die!"

Basically, if the focus on the character is how Life Is Pain, or Isn't Fair, or Sucks... that's emo.

Lord_Gareth
2007-09-13, 08:13 PM
{Scrubbed}

Reel On, Love
2007-09-13, 08:23 PM
Alright, Bright One, why don't we just get out your dunce cap and go through the story again?


Cog's character regrets his each and every action during that war. He's consumed with guilt because of it - because in his mind, he was too weak to stop himself. Now, ponder that, fool, and I'll wait.
Yes. "I'm so terrible, life is pain. Behold as a single emo tear (made of oil, since I'm a Warforged) runs down my cheek."


Done thinking? Did the heat from your skull kill a few of the fleas and lice?

Now, at the end, if you read, you'll notice that he's seeking atonement for his deeds - he hasn't resigned himself to evil

"I was forced to do eeeevil and now I must redeem myself... if I ever can!" would also be mocked, since it's just as stereotypical, but it wouldn't be emo. It's also not what's going on here.
The prominent points of the end of the backstory are "I want to kill myself but I can't" (really? Just go pick a fight with something tougher than you are) and "I must go be ALONE FOREVAR" (just stay at the bottom of the ocean rather than crossing to the other populated content).

Incidentally, why would a character whose purpose is to die and/or not be around other people join a party of adventurers, anyway? It means that they'll have to talk him out of his life-is-pain emo position, thus putting the focus on how his Life Is Pain.


Anyone else wanna take a scrap with the Lord of Flame? You ain't gonna win.
I'm not going to report this, but it could easily get you two infractions, given that you admit you're flaming me.

Insulting people doesn't help prove your point. It doesn't make you cool or witty. All it does is show that you can't handle someone disagreeing with you on the internet, or enjoy acting boorishly. You'll note that all I did was disagree with you. I didn't call you any names or toss schoolyard taunts. I'm sure that you can manage to do the same. This is not a "scrap", it's words on the internet.

Lord_Gareth
2007-09-13, 08:30 PM
[Scrubbed]. Nowhere does it say that his character believes that life is pain - instead, he blames himself for a disaster he couldn't possibly have caused (the Mournlands). It's called Survivor's Guilt. In some way, that warforged believes that he should have died there.

Second, his purpose is not to die. He admits that he cannot kill himself, though he assigns the blame for that to the demon. Instead, he's joining an adventuring party in an attempt to give back to the world that he believes he inflicted such a horrid disaster on. Again, a manifestation of Survivor's Guilt.

At some level, the character -wants- to live. That's a basic function of sentience. So, instead, it's seeking something other than death, using its guilt as motivation. And if you have trouble comprehending this, let me put it another way - if someone butchered every living thing in the town you live in except you, how would you react?

Not emo. Emo people have no reason to feel the way they do. Zelrath does.

Cogwheel
2007-09-13, 08:30 PM
Look, starting a fight and getting people banned was not my intention. You don't like my character, sure, no problem, that's your opinion, I don't mind, just stop fighting. And yes, that applies to all of you. I'm sorry I ever posted this thread, if I could delete it, I'd be doing so right now, but please, just do the next best thing and let it die.

tsuyoshikentsu
2007-09-13, 08:33 PM
First off, constructive criticism of the OP. I appreciate the tone you're trying to go for here, but the problem is that in this day and age it does come off as a bit pretentious and overdone. That's not really your fault, but it does hurt your character's story a bit. My advice to you may sound a bit silly, but try it: take the text out of italics and re-read it. Seriously. You're paying a tiny bit too much attention to things like tone over things like content, which is (unfortunately) quite a common mistake among writers of all levels.

And fix "My creators were died on that day." PLEASE.

As for...


Anyone else wanna take a scrap with the Lord of Flame? You ain't gonna win.

Yes, I would love to. Because then you will be banned for flaming -- which is against the CoC -- and I won't have to deal with the intellectual agony of reading anything you've ever written again.

By the way, you might want to check my opinion of your character.

themightybiggun
2007-09-13, 08:45 PM
Ohkayyyy...so, just to offer my own bit of input.

I once did a Warforged Warlock, only, his story was, after the war, he wandered around aimlessly for a while until he was captured by the fey and examined for several years. They were extremely interested in him, and ended up imbuing him with his powers.

just an alternate take.

Cogwheel
2007-09-13, 08:50 PM
Sorry, I'll fix the typo, tsuyoshi... can't believe I did that.

Secondly, I'll do what you suggested at some point, but could you tell me what needs help with the content? Since, y'know, you seem to be the one with the constructive criticism around here.

TMBG, that's a fairly interesting take, although he could have been examined because he had such powers - yet another take.

Believe it or not, the warforged warlock thing has been done to death, but the most common representation is as a Samus clone:smallsigh: .

Reel On, Love
2007-09-13, 08:52 PM
First, you have been insulting someone - my best friend, and personally, I already hate you just for acting like an ignorant fool.
If you can't tell the difference between someone criticizing a character's backstory and someone insulting the character's player, well... enough said.

Cut the insults. They're making you look very bad, here. You should not be this offended that someone criticized your friend's story. Your friend specifically asked for people to rate the backstory. They rated it "emo". He's taking it fairly well. So why are YOU lashing out?
If you don't want to see criticism of stuff your friends have done, don't read posts asking for "rating".


Nowhere does it say that his character believes that life is pain - instead, he blames himself for a disaster he couldn't possibly have caused (the Mournlands). It's called Survivor's Guilt. In some way, that warforged believes that he should have died there.

Oh?
"I tell you this now, there is no pain in heaven or hell that is greater than that of knowing that you have no purpose."
In short, "my life is pain".


Second, his purpose is not to die. He admits that he cannot kill himself, though he assigns the blame for that to the demon.
Oh?

"I could not destroy myself, for though I would gladly do so and destroy the fiend within me..."
In short, "I'd just love to kill myself, but I can't."
(If the fiend controls him so much that it can't stop him from finding a dragon or a Valenar tribe or something and getting himself killed, why doesn't it stop him from isolating himself?)


Instead, he's joining an adventuring party in an attempt to give back to the world that he believes he inflicted such a horrid disaster on. Again, a manifestation of Survivor's Guilt.
Then it'd be great if the backstory included that. How does "I must be far away from anyone I could potentially hurt" translate into "I must join a band of heroes and do good things for the world" in your language?


At some level, the character -wants- to live. That's a basic function of sentience. So, instead, it's seeking something other than death, using its guilt as motivation. And if you have trouble comprehending this, let me put it another way - if someone butchered every living thing in the town you live in except you, how would you react?
Except he'd like to kill himself, but since he can't, he's doing the next best thing: " I would exile myself to the land of Sarlona, away from civilization, away from any that I might bring harm to."



Not emo. Emo people have no reason to feel the way they do. Zelrath does.
Reasons don't stop something from being emo, if it's about melodrama and a focus on how Life Is Pain and I Wish I Were Dead (but not really).



Edit: Cog, if you want to improve the backstory... well, cut down the emo. It's okay to have a little Life Sucks or I Must Repay Amend My Sins in your background, but a good character should be more than that.
Let's start with this: almost all warforged have hobbies. They are intelligent creatures that never sleep, but can get bored; thus, they find something to occupy their time. Maybe he makes jewelry. Maybe he memorizes and recites epic poems. In any case, doing nothing but walking for two months could drive a person crazy--he had to occupy his time somehow. And what did he plan on doing once he was all alone? Just sit and think about how Life Is Pain?

Warforged are people, just mechanical people. There needs to be more to your character than Traumatic Events followed by Angsting Over Them or Trying To Atone For Them While Angsting Over Them. A good place to start might be how he tries to control the demon. Maybe he took up meditation--emptying your mind is certainly a good skill for a character who never sleeps and walked for two months. This is reflected by a Concentration check, generally, which a Warlock already needs; it might make him placid and open to his surroundings (take Spot and Listen, even cross-class they're helpful). Taking up some sort of art as therapy would let him Express His Pain without emoing it at his adventurin' buddies, and would be Something To Do. Or maybe instead of painting angstily, he writes escapist fantasy that ends happily. Maybe he even writes fluffy fanfiction.

Cogwheel
2007-09-13, 09:01 PM
If you don't want criticism, don't post things on the internet, ESPECIALLY not things you ask for ratings on.

Did I ever complain about criticism? No, my problem is that I posted a story, and everyone's at eachother's throats over it. Just stop it now, stop posting, and let's pretend this badly written mass of black-on-white never happened, okay?


The rest of your points are all valid. It's very badly written, though perhaps not for the reasons you mentioned - not surprising, considering I wrote it with my astounding literary skills. There's really no point in fighting over this, so don't. And for the record, reel, you're every bit as deep into the fight as gareth here, and I could probably have you reported for baiting. Why don't I? Because I'm not out looking for a fight, that's why.

Now for god's sake, please let this thing die.

Reel On, Love
2007-09-13, 09:13 PM
Did I ever complain about criticism? No, my problem is that I posted a story, and everyone's at eachother's throats over it. Just stop it now, stop posting, and let's pretend this badly written mass of black-on-white never happened, okay?
"Everyone" is fine. Your friend is insulting people. You can still glean some helpful things from the thread.

The bit about complaining about criticism was directed to Gareth; I've edited to clarify.


The rest of your points are all valid. It's very badly written, though perhaps not for the reasons you mentioned - not surprising, considering I wrote it with my astounding literary skills.There's really no point in fighting over this, so don't. And for the record, reel, you're every bit as deep into the fight as gareth here, and I could probably have you reported for baiting. Why don't I? Because I'm not out looking for a fight, that's why.

Now for god's sake, please let this thing die.
Except that I'm not baiting anyone. I've said nothing designed to provoke a reaction.

I've edited some suggestions into the post. In addition to that, if you want your character to focus on that, then draw attention to it in the backstory.

Neon Knight
2007-09-13, 09:18 PM
Now for god's sake, please let this thing die.

Hey, woah, calm down. One man stating that he believes the background is poorly written does not constitute either truth or universal opinion. This topic doesn't have to die because of a few hasty words.

I think the reason that some feel he is, well, slightly on the depressive side, is his choice of exile because he cannot commit suicide.

It seems like this short of background is more ripe for a repentant crusader than a hermit. I don't understand why he believes he is purposeless. All Warforged have a purpose: They are built for war. Literally. Their purpose is the sword's purpose. Should he not then seek war again? Not a war for profit, or evil, or for any foul purpose, but this time, a just war.

The demon inside him has tormented him; perhaps it is time to use him. The demonic menace should burn in its own hellfire. The powers this demon manifests should be used to exorcise demons from the land.

Perhaps the demon's torment has even served a purpose in this decision. Having experienced the demon's malice first hand, he knows first hand their evil and should seek their destruction at all costs.

Anoint the scum with their own blood. Burn them with their own fire. Let the purgation begin.

Of course, that's just my opinion.

horseboy
2007-09-13, 09:34 PM
Perhaps the demon's torment has even served a purpose in this decision. Having experienced the demon's malice first hand, he knows first hand their evil and should seek their destruction at all costs.

Anoint the scum with their own blood. Burn them with their own fire. Let the purgation begin.

Of course, that's just my opinion.

Kinda like Gargoyle (ala Defenders) or Johny Blaze during the Ketch era, with his hellfire shotgun? That could be interesting.

lesserarchangel
2007-09-14, 12:58 AM
Zelrath's motivations are one thing, but I like the idea of a warforged walking across the ocean (Pirates, anyone?). I think you can develop this into more of the backstory. What do you think about when you're walking? Are you paying attention to your surroundings? Is this two weeks of endless brooding in complete darkness, or is this some form of calming isolation?

Rulewise, what are the EoOs for the ocean floor? Do you walk as fast underwater as on land? And doesn't one of the books (DMG? Stormwrack?) have rules about water pressure?