101 Vicious Mockeries

[Klaus Teufel]

Not all of us can be Sam Riegel*. But when playing a bard, casting Vicious Mockery often means we have to come up with an appropriate insult on the fly. So I propose a thread where we can list jibes and taunts, perhaps some that work best with certain monsters. Next time you're a bard you can use this thread for inspiration.

My contribution:

Vs plant or tree monster: "Hah! Your bark is worse than your bite!"

Mock away!


*Critical Role Campaign 1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-p9lWIhcLQ&list=PL7atuZxmT954bCkC062rKwXTvJtcqFB8i)

[Unoriginal]

Vicious mockery #002:

"I must commend your courage, it takes a brave soul to show up disarmed to a duel of wits".

Vicious mockery #003:

"Clearly our foe is a visionary, my friends. Given how they move, they're attempting to kill us with boredom."

Vicious mockery #004:

To someone who betrayed their military : "Are we in [ very arid region of the setting]? Because there is a massive deserter [desert here]"

[Treantmonk]

#5: "If ugly were a crime, a Paladin would smite you dead."
#6: "After I kill you, I'm going after whoever left your cage open."
#7: "I would take you with me to town, but the guard would arrest me for public defication."

[Lord Vukodlak]

Here’s some my bard used on kobolds

#8 Your mother was a gnome lover

#9 You and your friends will make great boots

#10 I can’t think of anything worse to call you then a kobold you’re a kobold.

[stack]

#11 "your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of ELDERBERRIES!"

[kamap]

#12 The village called. They want their idiot, back. You better get going.
#13 Some day you’ll go far—and I really hope you stay there.
#14 Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
#15 Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
#16 I can’t help imagining how much awesomer the world would be if your dad had just pulled out.
#17 Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?
#18 I was pro life. Then I met you.
#19 I’d tell you to go **** yourself, but that would be a cruel and unusual punishment.
#20 I fart in your general direction you stupid (fill in race) (fill in occupation / class / ...). Now go away or I'll taunt you a second time.

[Maryring]

21: As a kid, your parents tried to throw you to the wolves. But the wolves threw you back.
22: When you were born, the midwife slapped your mother.
23: Either the plague wagon drove up, or you REALLY need a bath.
24: You're so dumb the village idiot won't ask you for directions.
25: You light up the room whenever you leave it.
26: You're so dull you can't entertain a doubt.
27: You're so boring your own shadow won't keep you company.
28: The only thing that can stay in your head for more than an hour is a cold.
29: When there's an idea in your head, it's in solitary confinement.
30: When you walk in the room, the mice scream and jump on the chair.
31: You have a very striking face. How many times have you been struck there anyway?
32: You must not be two-faced. If you had two, why would you be wearing that one?
33: I have two minutes to kill, tell me everything you know.
34: When you're dead, thousands of people will show up to your funeral. To make sure you're really dead.
35: You have a pretty little head. For a head it's pretty little.
36: Be careful to let your mind wander. It's too little to go out alone.
37: Your parents almost lost you as a child. Unfortunately they didn't take you far enough into the woods.

[Snivlem]

#38 If you've got nothing else, you can always just sing Lily Alen "**** you, **** you very, very much" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvWj18LeU1g)

[Klaus Teufel]

Thanks, guys. These are very useful.

I wonder if we can come up with more fantasy-themed ones, or ones that work versus a particular fantasy foe?

[KorvinStarmast]

#039: you want me to break out into song: your funeral dirge.

#040: You are so ugly, even a roper won't grapple you.

#041: Stirges learned to fly to get away from you. .

#042: I'll learn time stop to get a 5 round head start in avoiding you. .

[kamap]

#43 If I could polymorph you I'd turn you into a gibbering mouther, it would be better then to keep looking at you.

[Squiglett]

Vicious Mockeries #44-45

"Are you deformed or was your mother a Bugbear?"

"For once I am lost for words, just looking at you cripples my brain"

[willdaBEAST]

Rap is a pretty good source to draw upon for vicious insults (added benefit of having them rhyme), you can then re-flavor them with more fantasy elements.

Curtesy of Big L "F***ing punk, you ain’t a leader what, nobody followed you
You was never s**t, your mother should have swallowed you."

Could turn into: #46 "As a leader no one ever followed you, such a disappointment, your mother should have swallowed you."

#47 to elves "with ears like that, I thought you'd get the point. I suppose if I want to make an impression, I'll have to use my rapier."

#48 to dwarves, kobolds, drow, etc "it just dawned on me why your kind avoid the sun. Under most circumstances I'd stand my ground, but facing you encourages me to run."

#49 to the BBEG after their villainous monologue "Sir (miss), I suspect that the real threat is someone we haven't met yet"

#50 to a dumb enemy "look joker, your mind is jelly like ochre. I'd rather teach calligraphy to an ogre."

[Snowbluff]

#51: "What is this, a walking war museum." (https://youtu.be/xypbv-XBi6s?t=12m1s)*gesture at enemy armor*

[No brains]

On being attacked with a hook, perhaps by Roadhog.

#52 "I've seen better hooks in (sleazy part of town)!"

When you want to hurt the DM's feelings.

#53 "I've seen better hooks in this adventure."

[samcifer]

#54 "You only came in fourth in an Ugliest Person contest because you're a loser!"

#55 "Your mama's so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!"

[GreyBlack]

So, you could go the route of being funny and full of puns on Vicious Mockery, but you run the risk of being more funny than, y'know, vicious? So my personal favorite has to be "Given how you fight, it's no wonder that your mate found safety in the arms of another."

It's vicious, and it's mocking, but it's also considerably more mean spirited than some of these. Use at your own discretion.

[dragoeniex]

#56 "Did you have to practice how to miss that badly, or is that just talent?"

#57 "I've seen pincushions with defense better than yours."

#58 "You have all the grace of a stampeding walrus."

#59 "I'd say you're as threatening as a flumph, but that feels terribly unfair to the flumph."

[Pex]

#60 "Your mother was a spell component."
#61 To an orc: "Your mother was an elf."

[Angelalex242]

62: You're just about as useless as paintings to a blind girl.

63: You're more useless than a man at a lesbian orgy.

64: You're more useless than a bicycle to a fish.


65:Were you 10 times smarter, you'd be the village idiot.

[Lord Raziere]

66: I'd call you a demon, but that'd be setting too high an expectation

67: I'd call you Chaotic Evil, but that is too good for you.

68: Your like a dragon. your lazy, fat and do nothing but sit on your money all day

69: Your like a lich, your skinny, heartless, and no one can get rid of you

70: your like a giant, your clumsy, dumb and get in everyone's way

71: if you had a Plane, it'd be the Elemental Plane of Stupidity (also works with Loneliness, Fatness,
and Ugliness)

[gloryblaze]

Can't forget the classics.

#72: You fight like a dairy farmer.

#73 (best used in response to a different bard who just used #72): How appropriate, you fight like a cow.

[kamap]

After beeing hit.

#74 You hit like a wet noodle.
#75 My grandma hits harder and she's dead.
#76 I got hit harder by a (insert weak dnd creature or a rival race / person)

[samcifer]

66: I'd call you a demon, but that'd be setting too high an expectation

67: I'd call you Chaotic Evil, but that is too good for you.

68: Your like a dragon. your lazy, fat and do nothing but sit on your money all day

69: Your like a lich, your skinny, heartless, and no one can get rid of you

70: your like a giant, your clumsy, dumb and get in everyone's way

71: if you had a Plane, it'd be the Elemental Plane of Stupidity (also works with Loneliness, Fatness,
and Ugliness)

*winces* I think you meant "you're" most of the time there.

[KorvinStarmast]

#77: When you intelligence hits 7, sell.

#78: Green slime's origin? The ooze from your facial lesions. (zits, whatever ...)

#79: Your breath, the original spell component for stinking cloud.

[saucerhead]

In your worst Scottish accent:

#80 - Rouges are red,
Paladins are blue,
I forget the rest,
In general Eff you.

[Angelalex242]

This whole song...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnVS3X_2h4E

[Vingelot]

# 81 [To a wizard] I think maybe you're not really a wizard. You could be a sorcerer. It would account for the dull glassy look in your beady little eyes. No, that's still not right. Sorcerers can still manage to put one word in front of the other. I know! You must be a warlock. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0677.html)

[Slayn82]

#82 - Who taught you how to fight? You can't hit the broad side of a barn, but somehow can hit your own face?

#83- Is your blade as dull as your mind?

#83- In battle, might makes right. And you are, again, WRONG.

#84- I'd give a coin for your toughts, but fighting you, I see you aren't even worth a dung.

#85- A sword isn't a toy, but in your hands it's like I'm watching a toddler pretending to be a warrior.

[Sariel Vailo]

86 through 89
86. You know i envy the individuals who arent aware of your existance.
87. I loathe the thought that someone thirty years ago could have stopped this situation simply by pulling out.
88. If i were to classify you as anything id classify you the same way your parents did a mistake.
89. Your mother should have swallowed she would still have her nice body and a bit of protein to boot.

[No brains]

90 Is that a gaze attack or are you just that ugly!?

[Desteplo]

#91

“Don’t be such a little B***”

Side note: also works with healing word

[Dalebert]

91: If someone beat you with a Staff of Ugly, it would REGAIN charges.

92: A Headband of Intellect would overload your tiny brain and make your head explode.

93 (for a plant creature): Were you the victim of a Blight spell recently or does your face always look like that? *note: this one can be adapted for all sorts of specific spells that could have horrible after effects on your appearance.

94: I bet your mother is quite the charmer. She had to use some powerful enchantment magic to get your dad to sleep with her!

95: No wonder that Charm Person spell failed against you. It doesn't work on monstrosities or abominations.

96: Newsflash buddy--an Enlarge spell isn't powerful enough to fix that little problem in your pants.

97: You must be a bard! I hear you inspired your last lover to kill herself from regret.

98: (to the party wizard but loudly so the enemy hears) Don't polymorph him into a helpless kitten. That'll make him harder to kill!

99: I admire your druid powers. That's a terrifying beast form. Wait... you're not wild-shaped.

100: Our cleric has the power to turn undead, but on a pathetic coward like you he can probably just say "BOO!"

101: Is that really your head or the result of a Regenerate spell gone horribly wrong?

102: Looking at you right now, I'm thinking an orc and a troll produced a child... and that child picked on you for being ugly.

103: Yo mama so fat, she ate an entire Heroe's Feast by herself... and she didn't even need to be immune to poison or have advantage against mind-affecting spells.

104: Is that an antipathy spell or are you just naturally repulsive?