Calling All Jokes!

[A Rainy Knight]

I thought it would be a cool idea to start a thread where we could post our favorite jokes. Don't post any dirty or offensive ones, please. I apologize if there is already a thread to this effect.

My humble addition:

A vacationing family sees an Indian chief lying down in the street with an ear to the ground. "A silver minivan, a father and mother, two girls in the back," said the chief. "Wow, you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?" asks the family. The chief replies, "No, they just ran me over." :smalltongue:

[The Orange Zergling]

Two dwarves walk into a bar. Their elven companion steps over it.

How many people of a specified nationality does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number. One to perform the task, and another finite number to act in a manner stereotypical to the specified nationality.

[Green Bean]

If you tell this one to a science geek, you'll have a friend for the rest of your life.

Two atoms are walking down the street, when one of them stops suddenly.
"What's wrong?" his companion asks.
"I think I just lost an electron," came the reply.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

[Nibleswick]

Why are pygmies so short?
They went into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon.

How do you get an Elephant up a tree?
Hide it in an acorn and get a squirrel to carry it up.

How does an Elephant get out of a tree?
It jumps.

Why should you never go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
That's when elephants are jumping out of trees.

What is the difference between a plum and an elephant?
The color.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the path?
Here come the elephants.
What did Jane say?
Here come the plums. Jane was colorblind.

What is red and white on the outside, and grey and white on the inside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant SoupTM.

[JackMage666]

To Nibleswick.

Wow. So many jokes, all for one punchline. And it didn't work.

[Nibleswick]

It's Much better out loud. Maybe I'll rearrange them.

[Extra_Crispy]

What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Well most the time you get an onion with big ears but sometimes you get an ass that is so good it makes your eyes water.

[Bobnik]

An old lady was sitting in a window seat on an airplane, travelling through the night to visit her grandchildren. After spending some time gazing out the window at the wing, she called over the stewardess, and spoke to her.
"Dear, would you please go up to the cockpit and tell the pilot he's left the blinker on?"

[CrazedGoblin]

If you tell this one to a science geek, you'll have a friend for the rest of your life.

Two atoms are walking down the street, when one of them stops suddenly.
"What's wrong?" his companion asks.
"I think I just lost an electron," came the reply.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"


hehe :smalltongue:

[Ichneumon]

If you tell this one to a science geek, you'll have a friend for the rest of your life.

Two atoms are walking down the street, when one of them stops suddenly.
"What's wrong?" his companion asks.
"I think I just lost an electron," came the reply.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

I love this one. :smalltongue:

[eidreff]

A horse is sat at a bar looking depressed. The barman, a happy and helpful soul asks "why the long face?

How do elephants get out of trees? (after being acrried up by squirrels obviously) They sit on a leaf and wait til autumn

How does an elephant hide in a fridge? they paint their feet yellow and hide under the butter.

How can you tell an elephant's been in your fridge? Footprints in the butter.

[Icewalker]

If you tell this one to a science geek, you'll have a friend for the rest of your life.

Two atoms are walking down the street, when one of them stops suddenly.
"What's wrong?" his companion asks.
"I think I just lost an electron," came the reply.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

Oh god that's terrible

How bout this then: A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants???" and the pirate replies "Yarr, It's drivin' me nuts!"


How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

four, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the toaster in the bathtub.

[unstattedCommoner]

If you tell this one to a science geek, you'll have a friend for the rest of your life.

Two atoms are walking down the street, when one of them stops suddenly.
"What's wrong?" his companion asks.
"I think I just lost an electron," came the reply.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

On that note:
Q: Why can ions never get a free lunch?
A: They're always charged.

Heisenberg was in traffic court challenging a speeding ticket. He said:
"Fine, I'll admit I was doing exactly 60, but there's no way you'll prove
I wasn't in a 65 zone at the time."

[eidreff]

Two men walk into a bar,

Thud OUCH!

[Castaras]

What goes Black-white-black-white-black-white OUCH?
A nun rolling down a hill.

What goes Black-white-black-white-black-white Hahahaha?
The nun who pushed her.

---

Just gotta make sure my brother doesn't see this...or he'll get out his massive joke book...:eek:

[Exachix]

Two Fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says:
'How do you drive this then'.

There's another one that I know, which I'll do when I'm not multitasking...

[Fleeing Coward]

The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Jibar]

Don't post any dirty or offensive ones, please.


Well, there goes every joke I know.
I guess I'll just steal one from Bill Bailey.

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

[A Rainy Knight]

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

To Castaras: I shudder to think. :smalleek:

[Leather_Book_Wizard]

How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door and put it in!
How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, and put it in!
What's grey, has 4 legs, and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.
What's brown, has 4 legs, and a trunk?
A mouse coming back from holiday.
What's grey, has 8 legs, and 2 trunks?
Two elephants!

[Ranis]

How many Paladins does it take to change a candle?

Two. One to change the candle and another to Uphold the Light.

[Jimorian]

The only 2 jokes I can ever remember:

1) What makes Lionel Trains and women's breasts alike?

They're meant for the kids, but it's dad who usually ends up playing with them.

2) What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get offa my cloud!"
A Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!"

[Exachix]

Quality of the Jokes ∝ 1/(The Size of the Joke Book (in pages))

:smallsmile:


How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door and put it in!
How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, and put it in!
The Lion King calls a meeting between all the animals. What animal isn't there?
The Giraffe, it's still in the fridge.

A bunch of explorers find a crocodile infested river, how do they get across.
They swim, the crocs are at the Animal Meeting

Highlight the line below the jokes to see the punch-lines =D.

[Glaivemaster]

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Hot in here, isn't it?" The other says "Aah, a talking Muffin!"

[Wonderboy]

If you have about a half-hour of your life to invest into one joke, I highly recommend this one:

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family,
his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep
going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close
enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"




Aaand it's too long for one post. . .

[Wonderboy]

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I
have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

THE END.

:smallbiggrin:

[NEO|Phyte]

If you have about a half-hour of your life to invest into one joke, I highly recommend this one:

Aaand it's too long for one post. . .
tl;dr

Its a good one though, I've read it before.

And someone already did the muffin joke, I see...

...blah, my brain isn't working, can't thing of anything to add.

[Emperor Demonking]

That long for that punchline, are you evil.

[prongs43]

Wow, that was perhaps the most anticlimatic thing I've ever read. Interesting story, at least.

[unstattedCommoner]

There was once a transmuter who polymorphed wings onto a number of snakes
and taught them to do aerobatics. They toured as Monty's Flying Python Circus.

[Evil_Pacifist]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

four, one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the toaster in the bathtub.

How many dadaists does it to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

[black wagner]

? Why does everybody like Mr. Mushroom

A: because he is such a fun guy.

Get it?

Fun Guy, Fungi


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

never mind

[A Rainy Knight]

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Wonderboy, I want that half hour of my life back. :smalltongue:

[Glaivemaster]

Oh, I wasn't told we were allowed to do shaggy dog stories. I might have to dig out some of my own then, I know a fair few :smallamused:

[Thes Hunter]

*tells a long shaggy dog story*

*gets to the punchline and says*

The Aristocrats! *jazz hands*

*bows*

[Jibar]

*tells a long shaggy dog story*

*gets to the punchline and says*

The Aristocrats! *jazz hands*

*bows*

Oh snap.
Thes won the thread.

And now I wish I could tell my version with that family of badgers...

[Vaynor]

See my sig.

[Space-Is-Curved]

Ok, so a very rich man named Hugh Williams recently had a group of monks arrested for selling flowers on his property. When questioned, the only response from the monks was that they would have gotten away with it, were it not for the fact that only Hugh can prevent florist fryers.

[A Rainy Knight]

A long time ago, there was a kingdom that was surrounded by a dreaded marsh known as the Yellow Fingers. One day, the king decided to see what was beyond the Yellow Fingers, so he ordered several of his knights to cross the marsh. Upon their refusal, he replied, "Then let your pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers." :smallbiggrin:

[Vaynor]

Ok, so a very rich man named Hugh Williams recently had a group of monks arrested for selling flowers on his property. When questioned, the only response from the monks was that they would have gotten away with it, were it not for the fact that only Hugh can prevent florist fryers.

Oh god that is horrible.

[my_evil_twin]

I like this one because it took me and two of my college roommates working together to get it:

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke. In order to find out if it is funny, we would have to be outside of the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

[unstattedCommoner]

So, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting at the bar.
The Englishman thinks he's a comedian, so he tries to tell the following joke:
"So, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting at the bar.
The Englishman thinks he's a comedian, so he tries to tell the following joke:
"So, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting at the bar.
The Englishman thinks he's a comedian, so he tries to tell the following joke:
"So, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting at the bar.
The Englishman thinks he's a comedian, so he tries to tell the following joke:
...

[Kitya]

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

Frostbite!


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the nerve.

(yes I know they're bad... blame my mom. She always put these jokes on her preschool newsletter and they stuck with me)

Did you hear the one about the three wells?

WELL WELL WELL!


Did you hear the one about the mountain peak?

Aw forget it... it's just a bluff.

[Castaras]

Hmm...Remembered a few more...


The village priest is retiring, and there's a little meeting where the local politician will go to say some words about this old priest. But this politician is late to the meeting, so the priest decides to say a few words:

"I'd just like to say thank-you to this village for being so kind and caring for each other. I have to say, when I first came here, the first person who came to me had so many confessions to make. It was horrific! Drugs, cheating on his wife, corruption, etc. etc. etc. - As you can imagine, it didn't give me a good first impression. But it was very soon after when I realised what a nice village this was..."

It is at this point the politician rushes in, late. After apologising, he stands and starts his speech.

"The dear vicar here is an amazing man. Why, I had the pleasure of being the first person to go to him to confess..."


A man is walking along a beach, and finds a lamp. Out pops a genie.

"You have three wishes. But, everything you wish for, every lawyer will get double."

The man thinks for a moment.

"I wish I had £1,000,000,000."

*poof!* The man has £1,000,000,000. And every lawyer has double.

"I wish I had a Rolls Royce."

*poof!* The man had a Rolls Royce. And every lawyer had two.

"Now, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

[A Rainy Knight]

Back in that same kingdom, they had another little quirk. Instead of horses, all of their knights rode into battle on dogs. A knight was about to go to war, but the only dog that was available was a trembling little chihuahua. The knight said that the chihuahua would do, but the dogmaster sent him away, saying, "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

[Machiavelli]

If it weren't for irony, this statement wouldn'y be funny...

Two men walk into a bar, the first one says to the second one, "You didn't see it either?"...

Two ditchdiggers are digging in a ditch. Ditchdiggers are pretty dumb (that's why all they can do is dig ditches). So one asks the other, "Why are we digging this ditch in the hot sun while our boss is over there under a tree drinking lemonade?" The second ditchdigger has no idea (obviously, he's a ditchdigger) so he climbs out, approaches his boss and demands, "why are we down in that ditch digging while you're up here doing nothing in the shade?" The boss replies, "Intelligence." The ditchdigger stares blankly and asks, "what's intelligence?" The boss places his hand on the tree and replies, "punch my hand as hard as you can." The ditchdigger stares for a second, winds up, and punches the bosses hand. Only the boss pulls his hand away at the last second and the ditchdigger punches the tree instead. The boss says to the ditchdigger, "That's intelligence, now go dig me a ditch" The ditchdigger climbs back into the hole, whereupon the first ditchdigger promptly asks, "what did he say?" The second ditchdigger says, "Intelligence" The first says, "What's intelligence?" The ditchdigger looks around, places his hand on his face, and says, "Alright, now I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can with that shovel"

[Eldpollard]

An old woman is in a hardware shop. She picks up a can of insect spray and asks the clerk "Is this good for wasps?" He replies "No, it kills them."

[Logic]

A man is walking along a beach, and finds a lamp. Out pops a genie.

"You have three wishes. But, everything you wish for, every lawyer will get double."

The man thinks for a moment.

"I wish I had £1,000,000,000."

*poof!* The man has £1,000,000,000. And every lawyer has double.

"I wish I had a Rolls Royce."

*poof!* The man had a Rolls Royce. And every lawyer had two.

"Now, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

I've heard this one as "Since you are going through a divorce, your WIFE will get double, with the punchline instead being "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

[A Rainy Knight]

Once there was a chieftain who ruled the mightiest tribe from his grass-hut palace. He demanded a throne made of sticks to show his greatness. He grew dissatisfied with it, so he demanded a throne of stone and stored the old one in the attic. He didn't like that one either, so he put it in the attic, too, and demanded a throne of silver. Having learned of the substance, 'gold,' he had his servants move the silver throne to the attic. However, since the king's palace was a grass hut, the attic collapsed and the thrones crushed him to death. This just goes to show you that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. :smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin:

[prongs43]

And now for a realistic joke:


"Knock-knock."

"Who's there?"

"Jim."

"Jim who?"

"Jim the pizza boy!"

[The Orange Zergling]

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Three people, a blonde, a bernette, and a redhead are stuck on a desert island in the middle of nowhere. The bernette sees another island some distance away. She calls out to her friends "I think I see an island ahead! I'll swim over and see if it's safe." So she swims out, and waves back. The redhead swims over, then waves back once she reaches the island. The blonde swims three fourths of the way there, says "I'm tired." and swims back.

[Cyrano]

The Frenchman says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have cognac!"

The Russian says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka!"

The Mexican says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have tequila!"

The German says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have lager!"

The Jew says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes!"

I'm jewish, so it's ok!

[Magnus_Samma]

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp. Rubbing it for his own personal amusement, he is surprised to find a genie coming out.

"Alright," says the genie, "I'm sick of this crap, you get one wish before I go back into that lamp, so you better make it a good one."

"Well," says the man, "I've always wanted to travel to Hawaii, but I have an uncontrollable fear of flying, so I'd like a bridge from the continental United States to Hawaii."

The genie laughs his smoke trail off. "Are you nuts?" he asks, "nothing could create a bridge that size. Imagine how long it would have to be, how deep the supports would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine how much concrete would be needed, and how much steel. No, no way, pick something else."

So the man things long and hard, and he says at last, "I've always wanted to understand women. To know what they want and how to give it to them. What's the matter when I ask my wife what's wrong and she says 'nothing'. How to be in a relationship that's fulfilling for both of us. Can you do that?"

The genie looks at him for a second, and then says, "You want that bridge to have two lanes or four?"

[Gaelbert]

Two cannibals are eating a clowns, when one says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

[SurlySeraph]

What do you get when you cross a pit bull and Lassie?
A dog that rips your goddamn leg off, then runs to get help.

[A Rainy Knight]

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are admiring a painting of the Garden of Eden. The Englishman says, "Look how calm and composed Adam and Eve are. Clearly, they were English." The Frenchman says, "No, no, they are so beautiful, certainly, they were French!" Then the Russian says, "They have no shelter, no clothing, only an apple to eat, and they are being told that this is paradise. They are Russian."

[Cyrano]

Two clowns are eating a cannibal, when one says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

The other way around, surely!
Though your surrealist interpretation is funny in it's way.

[Gaelbert]

Nope, the joke explains why many people have a deathly fear of clowns.:smallbiggrin:

Yeah, you're right.

[Extra_Crispy]

If you have about a half-hour of your life to invest into one joke, I highly recommend this one:

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family,
his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep
going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close
enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"




Aaand it's too long for one post. . .

Reminds me of a joke a friend told me in highschool. 45min-1hr ride from school to home, took her 3 days to tell it. But even then she only ended it because I was getting annoyed, then with the punch line I almost killed her.

Here is a MUCH shorter version with a way to make it longer to annoy all your friends :smallwink:

There is this man who is very very rich but he is unhappy because he does not have love. So he decides to go and find a wife and settle down spending less time on work. After all he is rich now. He finds the perfact woman and gets married. One year passes and she gets pregnant. They soon have a son but the birth is very hard on the mother and she dies soon after the birth. With the death of his love the man decides that the child will never want for anything.

Five (less if you want) years pass and the man decides that his son is old enough to decided what he wants for gifts. As the boys birthday approaches the man asks him what he wants and the boy replies "A pink ping-pong ball" The man asks "Why do you want a pink ping-pong ball?"
The boy just says "I want one daddy"
Well, thinking this request is very strange he says "How about I get you a bicycle instead?"
The boy says ok

(Now keep repeating this general part FOREVER. Like for his 6th birthday he asks for the pink ping-pong ball again and the father instead gets him a remote control car. The more explaination, detail, or gifts you can add makes this joke VERY LONG. You can even start adding, or start out with christmas gifts and other holiday gifts. When the person you are telling the joke to gets to the "I am going to kill you if you dont get to the point" point. Procede to...)

The boy now (insert age) is in a horrible car accident and lays on his death bed. His father rushes to his side determined to grant his sons last wish no matter the cost. As he gets to his son he says "I am so sorry son, I wish I could save you. Is there anything I can do for you, anything I can get you?"
The son says "I want a pink ping-pong ball"
The father knowing his son is going to die soon says "Ok son I will get you a pink ping-pong ball"
So the father rushes out and after some searching he finally finds a pink ping-pong ball and rushes back to his son.
"Here you go son here is your pink ping-pong ball, but you did you allways want a pink ping-pong ball"
The boy looks up at his father and says "Well father I allways wanted a pink ping-pong ball because" and then he died

You annoy the listener to the point that they are about to kill you, then you seem to give in and finally get to the punch line, only to show them there is no punch line to the joke but actually you have been totally waisting their time. (you might want to run after the last line as people might be very annoyed.):smallbiggrin:

[Exeson]

I got one!

This guy finds a lamp and rubs it, obviously out pops a genie.
So the genie says 'you can have one wish'

The man thinks on it and then says 'you know what, I have always hated flying, but because of my business I have to fly a lot, so could you build me a bridge from England to America?'

The genie thinks it over and then says 'Thats a bit tricky, how about a different wish?'

The man say 'Okay, you know what, me and my wife have been arguing a lot lately, which I don't like, Could you perhaps tell me how women's minds work?'

At this the Genie turns round and says 'Do you want lights on that bridge?'


Note: This joke can be reversed so don't call me sexist. :smallsmile:

[Setra]

I know a large amount of jokes, but I usually can only remember them on ocassion.

The only one I can think of now is..

A mother has just given birth to a newborn baby, he weighed in at 8lbs.

The thing was, his nuts weighed 4lbs. The doctor then told the nurse to get a mental hospital on the phone, when the nurse asked why the doctor responded "It's obvious, the boy's half nuts"

[PlatinumJester]

A tramp walks into a bar and asks for a tothpick so the bartender gives it to him.
5 minutes later another tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick as well.
Then a third tramp walks in and the bartender asks him if he too, wants a toothpick but the tramp aks for a straw instead. When the bartender asks why, the tramps says "there's a pile of vomit outside but all the chunky parts are gone".

[Ranis]

A tramp walks into a bar and asks for a tothpick so the bartender gives it to him.
5 minutes later another tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick as well.
Then a third tramp walks in and the bartender asks him if he too, wants a toothpick but the tramp aks for a straw instead. When the bartender asks why, the tramps says "there's a pile of vomit outside but all the chunky parts are gone".

EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW.

[PlatinumJester]

EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW.

Hor’deuves anyone :smallamused:

[Kyle]

What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAINS....

That might be funny only to other vegans....


Two guys, Niel and Bob, are out hunting in the woods.

Niel, heading the call of nature, goes off into the bushes to do his business. However he doesn't look around before taking off his pants, and when he squats down, he gets a bit close to a rattlesanke.

After a few minutes Bob begins to worry, and when Niel doesn't answer his yells, he goes to investigate. Finding Neil with a snakebite on his backside, cold and unmoving, Bob begins to panic. He grabs his cell phone and calls 911.

"911 emergancy; Please state the nature of your emergancy."

"It's my friend Niel! We're out hunting and it looks like he got bit by a rattlesnake and now he's dead! What do I do?!"

"Please calm down, Sir. First I need you to make sure he's dead."

"Alright. Hold on a moment."

The 911 operator listens to the sound of the phone being put down on the ground, then a brief silence, and then BANG!

Bob comes back on the line and asks, "Alright, now what?

[PlatinumJester]

What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAINS....

That might be funny only to other vegans....


Two guys, Niel and Bob, are out hunting in the woods.

Niel, heading the call of nature, goes off into the bushes to do his business. However he doesn't look around before taking off his pants, and when he squats down, he gets a bit close to a rattlesanke.

After a few minutes Bob begins to worry, and when Niel doesn't answer his yells, he goes to investigate. Finding Neil with a snakebite on his backside, cold and unmoving, Bob begins to panic. He grabs his cell phone and calls 911.

"911 emergancy; Please state the nature of your emergancy."

"It's my friend Niel! We're out hunting and it looks like he got bit by a rattlesnake and now he's dead! What do I do?!"

"Please calm down, Sir. First I need you to make sure he's dead."

"Alright. Hold on a moment."

The 911 operator listens to the sound of the phone being put down on the ground, then a brief silence, and then BANG!

Bob comes back on the line and asks, "Alright, now what?

That joke is in PHB2 but it uses orcs.

[Kyle]

Where would an Orc get a cell phone?

[A Rainy Knight]

Three statisticians go hunting. They see a deer. The first statistician fires 5 feet to the left of the deer. The second statistician fires 5 feet to the right. The third statistician yells, "We got him! We got him!"

[Exeson]

A tramp walks into a bar and asks for a tothpick so the bartender gives it to him.
5 minutes later another tramp walks in and asks for a toothpick as well.
Then a third tramp walks in and the bartender asks him if he too, wants a toothpick but the tramp aks for a straw instead. When the bartender asks why, the tramps says "there's a pile of vomit outside but all the chunky parts are gone".

Ah! that brings back memories.

[PlatinumJester]

Ah! that brings back memories.

Mmm, sweetcorn.

[Zephra]

So the guy who invented the Hokey Pokey just died--It was sort of a wierd funeral....

first they put his left leg in...

[Miklus]

A man walk into a bar with a frog on his head...
The bartenders asks: "How did that happen?!"
Then the frog says:"It all started with a boil on my butt..."

[Logic]

Three statisticians go hunting. They see a deer. The first statistician fires 5 feet to the left of the deer. The second statistician fires 5 feet to the right. The third statistician yells, "We got him! We got him!"
This one really got me laughing. My coworkers have no idea what I find so funny.

I have a time wasting joke:
A man is tired, and comes upon a (insert number of stories tall hotel, just make it big, and evenly divisible by 8)

He goes inside, to the front desk, and asks for a room. The clerk tells him that the only room available is on the top floor, and that the elevator is out of service. (S)he also mentions to the man that whatever he does, when he gets to his room, he should not touch the teddy bear under any circumstances.

So, the man goes up the stairs and around the corner (x7) and arrives on the 8th floor, there is a (insert oddball obstacle such as quicksand, a lake, a moutain range etc.) So, he immediatly turns around and goes down the stairs and around the corner, (x7) and speaks to the clerk.

"How do I get past (obstacle!)"

"Oh" (S)he says. You need to look for a (level, button, switch) which will (summon monkey bars, a boat, a tunnel) to get past.

Ok, he says. So he goes up the stairs and around the corner, (7x) and (presses the button, ETC) which summons (monkey bars, ETC) and then proceeds down the stairs and around the corner, (7x) only to be stopped by another obstacle. So he goes down the stairs and around the corner, (7x) defeats the obstacle the same way in he did before, and goes down the stairs and around the corner, (7x) and speaks to the clerk again....

Cut to the end, after he has gotten past as many obstacles you would like to put in, each being just as crazy as the last.

Well, at this point, the man is tired, and only wants to sit down on the bed and watch a little TV to help him sleep. So the man picks up the remote from under the teddy bear, and it instantly transforms into a raging Grizzley.

The man is terrified and begins to (the long version of going down. Dont skip this part. At each obstacle, the bear is keeping a decent distance with him somehow, even tohugh it uses none of the tricks to get by.

The man rushes outside, and jumps into a taxi. The bear rips the roof off, and puts its massive paw on his shoulder, and says
"Tag, You're it!"

[valadil]

I like this one because it took me and two of my college roommates working together to get it:

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke. In order to find out if it is funny, we would have to be outside of the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

This joke needs more Schrodinger. And more cowbell.

[A Rainy Knight]

To Logic: Glad you liked it!

Here's some lightbulb jokes:

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to assure the public that everything that can be done to change the lightbulb is being done while the other one screws it into the hot water faucet.

How many ADHD kids?
Let's go ride our bikes!

How many self-centered people?
One. He holds it in the socket while the world revolves around him.

[evisiron]

One for the 40K fans!

How many Imperial guard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Their lasguns work just fine!

[unstattedCommoner]

To Logic: Glad you liked it!

Here's some lightbulb jokes:

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to assure the public that everything that can be done to change the lightbulb is being done while the other one screws it into the hot water faucet.


Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One Permanent Secretary to recommend the setting up of an inter-departmental committee to monitor the feasbility of putting forward a proposal to change the light bulb, six deputy secretaries to serve on the committee, three Parliamentary Counsel to draft the enabling legislation for the light-bulb changing directorate recommended by the committee, a chief executive officer to head the new directorate, a number of deputy executive officers to head up the directorate's personnel, finance, technical and liasion departments, 300 administrative civil servants to serve in those departments, one ancilliary worker to change the lightbulb, and one Minister to take the blame for anything that goes wrong.

[Totally Guy]

Where would an Orc get a cell phone?

I don't know, where would an orc get a cell phone?

"He'd buy it at AUC-tion!"

[Skippy]

Silly elephant jokes:

How do you pull an elephant out of a pool?
-Wet

Have you ever seen an elephant hidden behind a strawberry?
-Aren't they damn good doing it?

Here are jokes in three acts:

Act One: A man watches the water boiler from one side
Act Two: The man watches the water boiler from the other side
Act Three: The man watches the water boiler from the bottom of it.
What's the name of the movie?
-Where's the pilot?

Act One: Me
Act Two: Me
Act Three: Me
Act Four: Me
Act Five: Me
Act Six: Me
Act Seven: Me
What's the name of the play?
-The Seven Wonders of the World

OK, they are really silly and perhaps they lose their touch in English, but it was really difficult to keep them, since they are in Spanish originally...

[Terumitsu]

Nice one there Skippy

So this fine young couple has just been married and are honeymooning out in a Hawaiian resort. Now, the new wife decides to treat her new husband to something what with it being a special night for the both of them and wears a simply ravishing nightgown and stands at the balcony window. Now, when the new husband sees her, he remarks that she looks so beautiful that he simply cannot do anything tonight. The pair go to bed and the next morning, the wife buys another outfit and puts it on for her husband but for the same result. This happens for the next few nights untill one night the husband comes in and finds her in a long black dress complete with a black veil. When the husband asks why, she replies: "I am in mourning. Something must have died in here."

[Nibleswick]

****Punchlines in white
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.

Why did it think it was an elephant?
It had a trunk.

[Skippy]

It reminds me of a couple cruel jokes.

Why did the girl fall from the swing?
She had no arms.
Why did she fall again?
Someone put her on the swing again.

A boy comes running into his house and tells his mom:
"Mom! Mom! I already know what I want to do when I grow up!"
Then the mother answers:
"Shut up. You've got cancer"

DISCLAIMER: I'm not as cruel as this jokes makes me seem. I really hope all illnesses can be cured someday so there are no more cases like the one above. Please do not think badly of me, I'm just posting the jokes. I do not wish bad for no one, and hope this does not offend anybody. If it does, I'll be glad to scrub this jokes and apology.

[unstattedCommoner]

"Ah, Potter. I have some queries about your homework, question 6 in
particular. This was, I must say, an extremely simple question. You were asked to name a spell which causes inscriptions and documents to explode when read. Would you be so good as to read back to me your answer to this question?"

[Terumitsu]

/\ Nice one. BOOM!

But anyway... here are a few for cat lovers:

"Cat Mind Games"

Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an ax murderer.

Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.

Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.

Play with invisible objects.

Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneeding any available body parts.

Figure 8 your humans legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.

Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure your napping in the bathroom doorway.

Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human' s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.

If you absolutly have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.

Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.

Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.

[Cyrano]

A boy comes running into his house and tells his mom:
"Mom! Mom! I already know what I want to do when I grow up!"
Then the mother answers:
"Shut up. You've got cancer"
It happens to the best of us. No worries. (http://drmcninja.com/page.php?pageNum=8&issue=7)

[Dragonrider]

My favorite joke is probably in fairly poor taste but it's the only one I can tell reasonably. :smalltongue:



So there's this kid who's pretty philosophical, and he goes up to his mom one day as she's making dinner.

Kid: "Mommy?"
Mom: "Yes, honey?"
Kid: "Is God black or white?"
Mom: "Well...neither, dear."
Kid: "...oh."

He wanders off, clearly thinking hard, and comes back a few minutes later.

Kid: "Mommy?"
Mom: "Yes, honey?"
Kid: "Is God male or female?"
Mom: "Neither, dear."
Kid: "Hmm."

He gets a very confused look on his face.

Kid: "Uh, mom?"
Mom: "I'm very busy right now."
Kid: "Can I ask you one more question?"
Mom: "One more."
Kid: "Mom - is God Michael Jackson?"

[Magnus_Samma]

My favorite joke is probably in fairly poor taste but it's the only one I can tell reasonably. :smalltongue:



So there's this kid who's pretty philosophical, and he goes up to his mom one day as she's making dinner.

Kid: "Mommy?"
Mom: "Yes, honey?"
Kid: "Is God black or white?"
Mom: "Well...neither, dear."
Kid: "...oh."

He wanders off, clearly thinking hard, and comes back a few minutes later.

Kid: "Mommy?"
Mom: "Yes, honey?"
Kid: "Is God male or female?"
Mom: "Neither, dear."
Kid: "Hmm."

He gets a very confused look on his face.

Kid: "Uh, mom?"
Mom: "I'm very busy right now."
Kid: "Can I ask you one more question?"
Mom: "One more."
Kid: "Mom - is God Michael Jackson?"

You win. You win the internet.

[RandomNPC]

My favorite joke is probably in fairly poor taste but it's the only one I can tell reasonably. :smalltongue:



So there's this kid who's pretty philosophical, and he goes up to his mom one day as she's making dinner.

Kid: "Mommy?"
Mom: "Yes, honey?"
Kid: "Is God black or white?"
Mom: "Well...neither, dear."
Kid: "...oh."

He wanders off, clearly thinking hard, and comes back a few minutes later.

Kid: "Mommy?"
Mom: "Yes, honey?"
Kid: "Is God male or female?"
Mom: "Neither, dear."
Kid: "Hmm."

He gets a very confused look on his face.

Kid: "Uh, mom?"
Mom: "I'm very busy right now."
Kid: "Can I ask you one more question?"
Mom: "One more."
Kid: "Mom - is God Michael Jackson?"

lots and lots of win.

[Tirian]

Alas, someone has already posted the funniest joke in the world, so I'll supplement it with the second-funniest.

What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."

[Skippy]

A kid walks into his house
"Mom, it smells like a dead person here. Mom... mom?"

------

A kid walks into his house and tells his mum:
"Mum, the kids at school say I'm too hairy"
And the mum screams:
"Joe, the dog is speaking!!!"

------

A kid walks into his house and tells his mum:
"Mum, the kids at school tell me I'm too absentminded"
"Kid, you live next door..."

[Roland St. Jude]

Sheriff of Moddingham: Please remember that this board has rules that may make some jokes (involving religion, politics, graphic sex or violence, etc.) inappropriate. Thanks.

[Charity]

Whats Orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

[exodus_dragon]

WOW mine are all dirty or not so good to say unless you know people around you wont get offended but here is one.

Q: What is dumber than two blondes building a bridge across the dessert?

A: The brunette fishing off of it.


On night this rich families house was broken into. The robber was very smart and found the safe hidden in the bookshelf. So the robber sets his equipment down and begins his work opening the safe. After a few minutes the robber feels this heavy moist panting on the back of his neck. He turns around and sees this huge Rotwieler, and he freezes. The rotwieler doesnt move so he pats it on the head and goes back to work. A few more minutes later he heres some thing say "What you are doin is wrong." he again freezes and looks around and notices a parot in his cage. The parrot says again "what you are doin is wrong Brawk." he disregards the parrot and goes back to work. after a few more minutes the parrot keeps saying the same phrase over and over again and the Rotwieler still just standing behind him panting. the robber turns around and asks the parrot if that is the only thing he knows how to say. the parrot simply responded "SICK HIM!!"

[Grim Greyscale]

Alas, someone has already posted the funniest joke in the world, so I'll supplement it with the second-funniest.

:smallconfused:

The funniest has been posted, but those are not the second-funniest. You must be using strange sources. Anyway, here's the 6th or 7th or something.

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different every week, so he just did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem with this, though, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and figured out how all the tricks were done. Once he understood them all, he started shouting out the secret in the middle of every show.
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything about it. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then, during a fierce storm, the ship was sunk. The magician found himself stuck on a piece of wood with, unsurprising, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not say a word. This went on for a day, and then another. Finally, on the third day, the parrot said: "Ok, I give up. Where's the ship?"

And another I found over somewhere else...

Rene Descartes spends a few hours in a bar drinking beer and talking with the barkeep. After a while he decides to get going. The barkeep asks him if he'd like one for the road. Descartes replies "I think not," and disappears.

[hippie_dwarf]

:
Rene Descartes spends a few hours in a bar drinking beer and talking with the barkeep. After a while he decides to get going. The barkeep asks him if he'd like one for the road. Descartes replies "I think not," and disappears.

Oh man that was funny!

Anywho...

One day brian coems back from a night at the pub, he climbs in bed ext to his wife and promptly falls asleep. He wakes up in the middle of the night to find saint peter standing at the foot of the bed. Brain yells "Oh no! am i dead?" st. peter replies "yes i'm afraid you are, brian"

"but i have so much to live for! i didn't even get a chance to tell my wife how much i love her! You have to let me live!"

"well.." st. peter said "i can bring you back to life, but you'd be a chicken."

Brian remebered that there was a farm not far from his house, so he agreed.

*poof* Brain found himself a chicken, with lots of other chicken pecking around. All of a sudden a strainge pain began to well inside of him. This can't be good, he thought.

A near by rooster, seeing brians discomfort comes over to help. "Are you new here?" the ooster asks. "Yeah, but i feel reely iffy" said brian, thepain getting worse.

"Just relax" said the rooster "you're laying an egg, just let it pass through you"

Brian relexed, and all of a sudden an egg poops out. Brian was overwhelmed by the joyful sensation of motherhood. Seconds later, he lays another egg, and he fees even better.

But when the third one came, he felt an almight smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yelling "Brian you runken Bas****! You're Shi***g in the bed bead!".

[Castaras]

Did you hear about the man who got cut in half? He lost all his left side.

But don't worry. He's all right.

*ducks and runs*

[unstattedCommoner]

Did you hear about the man who got cut in half? He lost all his left side.

But don't worry. He's all right.


He's lost his job now. His employer didn't like his half-hearted attitude.
--

EDIT:

Q How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Half as many as it takes to change two lightbulbs in the same time.

[Exeson]

Did you hear about the man who got cut in half? He lost all his left side.

But don't worry. He's all right.

*ducks and runs*

Did you hear about the criminal who had his hand cut off?

Its all right, He got a new one at the second-hand shop

*runs in same direction as Castaras*

[eidreff]

Whats red and sits in the corner?

A naughty fire tender

[Matticus]

Ooh, ooh, my turn. I couldn't be bothered trawling through, so if these have been said, don't blame me.

Why did the elephants wear dark glasses?
So people wouldn't recognise them

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Oh look, the elephants are coming over the hill"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing dark glasses coming over the hill?
Nothing, he didn't recognise them.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
With a Pink Elephant gun.

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Paint it pink and shoot it with your Pink Elephant gun.

Why did the elephants paint themselves red?
So they could hide in the cherry tree.

How did Tarzan die?
He tried to pick cherries.

How do you fit four giraffes into a mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you fit four elephants into a mini?
Take out the giraffes.

How do you know if there's an elephant hiding in your fridge?
There's a footprint in the butter.

How do you know if there's two elephants hiding in your fridge?
There are two footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are three elephants hiding in your fridge?
The door won't shut.

How do you know if there are four elephants hiding in your fridge?
There's a mini parked outside.

*bows* Thank you, thank you.

[unstattedCommoner]

Two men became lost while on a hot air balloon flight. Seeing a passing stranger, they called out to him and asked him where they were. The stranger answered, "You're in a balloon right above me."

One man turned to the other and said "That guy must be lawyer."

"What makes you so sure?"

"His advice was both accurate and completely useless."

[Skippy]

Mathematician jokes!!!

An ingeneer, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in front of a building, and they see two people walking into the building. After a while, they see three people going out of the building.
The engineer says "We made a measuring mistake"
The biologist says "They reproduced inside the building"
The mathematician says "If a person walks inside the building, the building will be empty" :smallamused:

There is a contest in a store, the prize for the winner are 300 cans of beer. The way of winning is devicing a method to open the cans, without a can opener. A physics teacher, an engineer and a mathematician see the contest, and they run each to their labs to try their own ways to open the cans. After a while, the physics teacher returns with a project applying pressure points in the can to open it, and the engineer returns with a can opening robot he designed and built in his lab. When they arrive at the store, they see the mathematician drinking the last can of beer.
"How did you make it?" They asked him
"I started assuming the cans were already open"

[banjo1985]

Q: How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 101, 1 to change it and the other 100 to share the experience.

Q:How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
2, 1 to change it and the other to sing about how good the old one was.

[Jokes]

Q: Why can't Jimmy ride a bike?
A:Because Jimmy is a fish.

Q:Why did Billy fall off his bike?
A:His dad threw a fridge at him.

Edit: Purely a coincidence my screen name is Jokes, I'm not actually that good at them.

[Jade_Tarem]

Based on a true story:

At marine boot camp, all the new recruit marines were lined up for the morning, listening to thier drill sargeant, a very tough-looking man, yell at them. The sargeant introduced himself by saying: "I'm Sargeant Brady! Is there any one of you that thinks he can take me?!"

One of the marines, a 7 foot tall and heavily muscled man who also had a black belt in karate, spoke up: "Yes sir, I think I can."

Brady glared at him. "Come over here." and as the man did so: "Turn around."

The large man turned around to face the new recruits, and Brady stepped up beside him.

"I'm Sargeant Brady and this is my new assistant! Is there any one of you that thinks he can take both of us?!"

[Youngblood]

There once was a guy named Mike. Mike walked past the same pet shop everyday on his way to work and always stopped to look at all the cute puppies and kittens and whatnot. One day he noticed that there was a large colorful parrot in the window display. Now, Mike had always wanted a parrot, and spent all day thinking about how cool it would be if he got the parrot and taught it to talk. So, on his way home, he stopped by the pet store and bought the parrot.
"I have to warn you," the store-keeper says, "The bird curses like a sailor. His last owner brought him back after only one day, it was so bad."
"That's okay, I'll teach him better." Mike says, cheerfully thinking that it really can't be all that bad.
So, Mike takes the parrot home. No sooner does he get the bird in the door and takes the cover off the cage when the parrot starts shrieking obscenities at the top of it's lungs. And not minor curse words either, words what to singe your grandmother's eyebrows off. Patiently, Mike tries to calm the bird down and teach it new words, to no avail. A week later, when the bird is still screaming a steady wave of profanity at anyone who walks in the door, Mike has had enough. In a fit of anger, he grabs the parrot, tosses it in the deep freezer, and slams the door. The muffled sounds of angry parrot filter through the lid for a few minutes and then everything goes quiet. Wondering what has happened, Mike opens the lid and the parrot jumps out, perching on the edge of the freezer.
"I am very sorry if I have ever said anything to offend you." the parrot says, sincerely, "I just have one question: What did the chicken do?"

[Evil_Pacifist]

Q: What is dumber than two blondes building a bridge across the dessert?

Woah, must have been a pretty big dessert.

[Aeyamar]

Okay, this joke can be great provided the person your telling it to is a geek:

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

You can't, because one's a vector and one's a scalar.

[adanedhel9]

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

You can't, because one's a vector and one's a scalar.

Oh gods... the pain, THE PAIN!

The great flood has just ended, and all the animals are in the process of getting off the ark. As each pair walks down the ramp, Noah takes the time to chat with them, and then sends them off with the blessing "Go forth and multiply!"

About two weeks later, a pair of confused vipers come up to Noah and ask, "You told us to 'go forth and multiply!', but we don't know how to multiply. Can you help us out?"

Noah spends a few minutes thinking, then instructs, "Go into the woods and chop down some big trees. Use the wood to make yourself some nice furniture. Then see if you can multiply."

The vipers, thoroughly confused by this advice, decide to accept the old man's wisdom and try it out. Several weeks later, the vipers returned to Noah and exclaimed, "We did it! We multiplied! But your instructions still don't make sense. Help us to understand what happened."

And Noah replied, "That's simple. Even adders can multiply given log tables."

[Winterwind]

A burglar breaks into a wealthy house. While he is sneaking though the darkness, he suddenly hears a voice proclaiming: "God is seeing everything!"
Baffled, he looks around, and hears the voice again, "God is seeing everything!"
Only then he discovers a parrot in a cage, which croaks for a third time, "God is seeing everything!"
Relieved, he steps next to the parrot and asks it jovially, "Hey there, little fella, what's your name?"
- "Schultz!"
"Schultz? What an odd name to give to a parrot!"
- "Maybe - but then, God is also a pretty odd name for a Rottweiler!"


And one more of the time-wasting kind. It works better when spoken (and when the person the joke is told to has no way to fast forward). You may try to tell it to others, but make sure you are armed first. Anyway, here we go:
Far, far away, there is a kingdom. One day, the king of that kingdom proclaims that he would give his daughter's hand to any knight who solves the task imposed upon him.

Some time goes by, until a White Knight Upon A Black Horse arrives at the castle's gates. He is stopped by the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
Okay, so the guard lets him pass. He crosses the first wall, and reaches the second gate, where he is stopped by a second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
That guard lets him pass as well, he crosses the second wall, and arrives at the third gate, where a third guard stops him:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

He is allowed to pass and finally reaches the heart of the castle. He steps before the king and says,
"Yo! King! Gimme ya daughter!"
The king looks at him, thinks for a bit, and then replies,
"Well, you do seem like a knight worthy of my daughter's hand, but we have to get sure. Therefore, you'll have to do something for me first. You have to fetch me a shovel full of water."
The Knight reflects upon it, shrugs, and leaves. A Knight's gotta do what a Knight's gotta do, right?

So he rides out of the castle. He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

And he's out of the castle.
Only then he realises he forgot the shovel in the castle.
So he rides back in again.

He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

And he's in the castle. He takes the shovel, and rides out of the castle again.

He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

Finally, he's out of the castle, he takes a shovel full of water from the next well, and returns into the castle:

He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

He reaches the castle and brings his shovel full of water to king.
"Yo! King! Here ya got yo water, now gimme yo daughter!"
The king takes the shovel of water, looks at it, and says,
"Well, you have brought me the shovel full of water... but I'm afraid to prove worthy of my daughter, you have to do one more thing. You have to fetch me a bucket full of sand."
The Knight looks grimly at the king, shrugs, and leaves. Well, guess there's no other way!

He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

Out of the castle. And - yep, you guessed it. He forgot the bucket in the castle. Some awfully amnesiac Knight, it would seem, wouldn't it?
So he rides back in:

He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

And the guards aren't any better! You have to ask yourself what they were smoking back in these Middle Ages! Anyway, he's in the castle, picks up the bucket, and rides out again.

He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

He has left the castle, and doesn't need long to locate a place where he can fill his bucket full of sand. He does so, and rides back into the castle:

He passes the first guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the second guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"
He passes the third guard:
"Halt, who are you?!"
- "I am the White Knight Upon The Black Horse!"

Finally, he's in the castle, and delivers the bucket full of sand to the king:
"Hey! King! I got ya that shovel full of water an' that bucket full of sand, now gimme ya daughter!"
The king looks at the shovel of water... he looks at the bucket of sand... and then he replies:
"All right... you have fetched me the shovel full of water... and the bucket full of sand... but you see, I still can't give you my daughter's hand, because unfortunately...
...I do not have a daughter!"
Make sure you insist on including every single iteration of the catch-phrase, and you are guaranteed to shatter the sanity of any person around. :smallwink:

[exodus_dragon]

man i feel like an idiot i soo dont get the Rene Descartes drinking one. not at all. BLAH.

any way here goes another one.

A woman was cleaning her house one day and as she was cleaning one of her vases she had baught in an auction a genie popped out. The genie said i will grant you three wishes. he also said the what ever wish you make your husband will get 10x more and 10xbetter. So she thought on it a moment then said Genie id like to make my first wish. she Wished that she was the Richest woman in the world. genie reminded her that her husband would be the richest man in the world and he would have 10x more than her. she said that is fine because whats his is mine and whats mine is his. so the genie granted it. she then said for my second wish i wish to be the most powerful woman in the world. the genie replied remember if you are the most power full woman in the world your husband will be the most powerful mand and have 10x as much power as you. she replied thats fine whats his is mine and whats mine is his. the genie then inquired what will you wish for your last wish. The woman smiled and said a mild heart attack.

[PlatinumJester]

Warning. Very Very Harsh Joke Coming Up But I Don't Know How To Do Spoiler Thing. Just Don't Read If You Are A Racing Fan





I just bought a new game for £60 but it keeps on crashing. Trust me when I say Colin Mcrae Helicopter Simulator is crap.

[Winterwind]

man i feel like an idiot i soo dont get the Rene Descartes drinking one. not at all. BLAH.Descartes was a philosopher. He coined the phrase "I think, therefore I am."

[Jade_Tarem]

(Totally True)

Airline pilots keep a log of all things that go wrong with the plane during flight, so that the mechanics can fix it. Sometimes, however, they write in shorthand that on close examination sounds pretty stupid. Some examples (plus the mechanics' smart-arse responses):

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Mech: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Missing #2 engine.
Mech: After brief search, #2 engine found on left wing.

Pilot: Noise coming from under radar, similar to midget banging with hammer.
Mech: Took hammer away from midget.

Pilot: Auto-landing feature extremely rough.
Mech: ! There is no auto-landing feature on this aircraft!

[Winterwind]

Pilot: Auto-landing feature extremely rough.
Mech: ! There is no auto-landing feature on this aircraft!This scared me. :smalleek:
Also, I can't stop laughing about it. :smallbiggrin:


Okay, one for all the nerds, scientists and academics. This one hangs at the door of my boss (who is a physicist). It's actually a citation of somebody, but I forgot of whom. It might be funnier if you are aware how many bizarre and purely theoretical models there are in physics:

"It has come to our ears that some person, methinks, Hamlet, the prince of Denmark, has stated that there are more things in heaven and earth than can be found in the tomes of the philosophers. Should this statement of the poor fool (who as we all know did not exactly have his act together) refer to the compendia of physics, then he shall be informed that even though that may be, there are just as many things in our books which have never, ever been seen either on earth, nor in heavens!"

[Ranger & Ego]

He walked out of the darkness and into the light
CLANG!

[eidreff]

Decartes: To do is to be

Sartre: To be is to do

Sinatra: Do be do be do be do

[unstattedCommoner]

Did you hear about the succubus rogue? The watch found 3,000 pairs of brogues when they searched her house. Turns out she'd been stealing men's soles.

[Serpentine]

A Big Brown Bear walks into the Burbon and Beefsteak Bar. He slams his paw on the bar and growls,
Gimme a beer.
The bartender says,
Sorry mate, but here in the Burbon and Beefsteak Bar, we don't serve beer to Big Brown Bears.
The Big Brown Bear spins around in frustration and punches an on-looker.
Gimme a beer!
The bartender says,
Sorry mate, but here in the Burbon and Beefsteak Bar, we don't serve beer to Big Brown Bears, especially not Big Brown Bears who biff bystanders.
The Big Brown Bear roars and smashes a chair.
GIMME A BEER!
The bartender says,
Sorry mate, but here in the Burbon and Beefsteak Bar, we don't serve beer to Big Brown Bears, especially not Big Brown Bears who biff bystanders and break barstools.
The Big Brown Bear gives a ferocious bellow and smacks the bartender.
GIMME A BEER!
The bartender says,
Sorry mate, but here in the Burbon and Beefsteak Bar, we don't serve beer to Big Brown Bears, especially not Big Brown Bears who biff bystanders, break barstools and bash bartenders.
The Big Brown Bear, really pissed off now, gives a terrifying roar and tears a chunk out of the bar with his mighty jaws.
GIMME A BEER!
The bartender says,
Sorry mate, but here in the Burbon and Beefsteak Bar, we don't serve beer to Big Brown Bears, especially not Big Brown Bears who biff bystanders, break barstools, bash bartenders, and take drugs.
GIMME A B-Wait, what? Drugs? I... I don't take drugs. Wha'..?:smallconfused:
What about that bar bit you ate?

Yeah, it's a very verbal one.

And now one that's okay, cuz I'm telling it, donchano :smallwink:

Three blondes are stranded on a desert island. As you do in such situations, they found a lamp washed up on the beach and tried to rub it clean. As they do, a genie popped out, and proclaimed,
I will give you one wish each.
The first blonde thought for a while, and said
I want to be really smart and get off this island.
*poof* The girl turned into a redhead, jumped in the water, and swam to safety. The second blonde thought for a while, then said
I want to be twice as smart as her and get off this island.
*poof* The girl turned into a brunette, built a raft, and sailed to safety. The third blonde thought for a while, then said
I want to be twice as smart as both of those two put together and get off this island.
*poof* The girl turned into a man, and he walked across the bridge.

[Raiser Blade]

@^ I have only heard it the other way arond where the guy ets turned into a girl for wishing to be 1000 times smarter. I like your version best.

[Vernal]

I can't remember where I heard this joke (it may have even been on this board):

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped roof. Which kitten slips and falls down first?

The one with the smaller mew (mu).
Physic meaning #1 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mu)

[Winterwind]

I can't remember where I heard this joke (it may have even been on this board):

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped roof. Which kitten slips and falls down first?

The one with the smaller mew (mu).*groan*
My poor pun-tormented brain!

Good one, though. :smallbiggrin:

[Kriel]

All right, I've got a couple

A doctor calls up a patient and says, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is, you have 48 hours to live." The patient, naturally distressed about hearing such news, says, "That's horrible news doctor! How could the other news be any worse?!" The doctor responds, "I've been trying to give you that message since yesterday."


Okay, second one. This one actually happened and it involved my grandpa.

You see, my grandpa was in the army and had command over a company of men. One of his men came up to him one day and they had the following conversation.

"Sir, I'm not feeling well. I think I need to lay down for a while."

My grandpa, however, knew he was lying and was out all of the previous night partying, so he says, "That's too bad," and hands him a pill. "Take this, it'll get the blues right out of you."

The guy said, "Thank you, sir," and walked off, confident he had fooled my grandpa and could take the day off.

So he takes the pill my grandpa gave him and a few hours later, reports back to my grandpa saying, "Sir, my pee is blue."

My grandpa says, "I told you it'd get the blues right out of you!"

[StupidFatHobbit]

A ship with a cargo of red paint crashed into a ship with a cargo of blue paint.

The crew were marooned.

[StupidFatHobbit]

A rabbit walks into the local pub and asks for a beer and a cheese toasty. [possible local-English note: a toasty is a toasted sandwich.] He pays, sits there, drinks the beer, and eats the toasty.

The next day, the same rabbit walks in and asks for a beer and a ham toasty. He pays, sits there, drinks the beer, and eats the toasty.

On the third day, he wants a beer and a tomato toasty. He pays, drinks the beer, eats the toasty.

On the fourth day, he has a beer and a cheese-and-onion toasty. He pays, drinks the beer, eats the toasty.

On the fifth day, he decides to try a beer and a ham-and-pineapple toasty. He pays, drinks the beer, eats the toasty.

On the sixth day the rabbit doesn't turn up at all. The bartender is surprised. Then, later that night, a ghost rabbit appears. "Oh no!" says the bartender. "What was it? What did you die of? Was there something wrong with the beer?"

"Nah," says the dead rabbit. "Mixin' mah toasties..."

[averagejoe]

One day this woman was sitting in her home when the doorbell rang. She answered the door, and there was a telegram deliveryman. "Oh!" the woman exclaimed, "A singing telegram? This is exciting."

Looking uncomfortable, the deliveryman said, "No, ma'am, this isn't a singing telegram."

Looking disapointed, the woman said, "Oh." Then, brightening up, she asked, "Well, can you sing it anyways?"

"Ma'am, this really isn't a singing telegram," the man told her.

"Oh, please, I've always wanted to get a singing telegram, and it would mean so much to me," the woman protested.

The man sighed and said, "I really don't think I should sing this one."

"Please, please, please," begged the woman, "It's my birthday, and it would make things just perfect if I got a singing telegram."

"Fine, then," the man said, finally giving in. He stopped for a moment to clear his throat, then sang, "Dun dada dun dun dun, your sister Rose is dead."

------------

A three legged dog walked into a bar and asked, "Has anybody seen my paw?"

[Serpentine]

@^ I have only heard it the other way arond where the guy ets turned into a girl for wishing to be 1000 times smarter. I like your version best.
You would :smalltongue:

Duck walks into a bar, asks
"Got any bread?"
Barmans says,
"No."
"Got any bread?"
"No..."
"Got any bread?"
"No!"
"Got any bread?"
"NO!"
"Got any bread?"
"If you ask me if I've got any bread one more time I'm gonna nail your beak to the counter!"
"Got any nails?"
"NO!
"Got any bread?"

[Jade_Tarem]

I don't think this one has been posted yet, but many may have heard of it.

Adam was the first human created by God. After he was done naming all the plants and animals and exploring the Garden of Eden, he met up with God to talk to him.

"God," said Adam, "this place is amazing. I have a really sweet setup here - I can eat whatever I want and I don't have to do any work. But one thing gets to me - I've done all there is to do here! It's getting boring. Since You're all-powerful, can you fix that?"

"Yes I can, my child." said God, "I will create woman, the counterpart to man. She will be as brilliant as the stars, as beautiful as the rainbows through the morning dew, and nearly as wise as Myself. She will help you whenever you need or want it, will always love and be faithful to you, and will allow you to start an entire species of humans - humans will no longer need be created through dust and My will alone."

"That sounds fantastic." said Adam, "What's the catch?"

God replied: "The catch is in the price. I will need five of your ribs, nearly half of your spine, most of your hair, one of your eyes, and three pints of your blood."

Adam thought this over, and responded: "What can I get for just a rib?"

------------------------------------------

To be fair, here's another joke (it's not *specifically* a continuation of the first one):

Eve finished her first stroll through the Garden of Eden and went to talk to God.

"God," Eve said, "This is a gorgeous garden. But I've only been here a short time and I already feel lonely, as there are no other creatures remotely like me. Can You fix it?"

"I can." said God, "I will make you a companion - a man. He will be strong and loyal and will provide hours, days, or even years of entertainment - and will be fairly easy for you to "guide" using your wits and charms."

"That's nice," said Eve, "but what's the catch?"

"The catch is that he will be extremely vain, and you will need to convince him that I created him first! It would crush him to find out that that isn't true."

"So I could never tell him about this, and must suffer his boasts silently?" asked Eve.

"Yes, it would have to remain a secret," replied God, "just between us girls."

[Serpentine]

Along those lines, short'n'sweet.

Sure God created Man before Woman, but you always do a rough draft before the final masterpiece.

By the way, I think you could make that last line more rounded-out if you shortened it to "It'll have to be a secret, just between us girls."

[Raiser Blade]

Little Billy was reading his favorite magazine when he saw an article for a pun contest. He was so excited he ran to his room and started thinking of his best puns. After taking the time to sift through his best ones he ended up selecting ten of his favorites and he sent them in. After waiting two weeks he eagerly looked through the list of puns to see if any of his had won.....


But no pun in ten did.

[Magnus_Samma]

Why did god create man before he created woman?

Because he didn't want someone looking over his shoulder and giving him advice the whole time.

*shot*

[Archpaladin Zousha]

While this is a lawyer joke, I couldn't resist!

A guy's playing golf and hits his ball into a sandtrap, when all of a sudden, a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me from that sandtrap good sir! As a token of my gratitude, I will grant you three glorious wishes!"

"Whoa!"

"But be warned that whatever you wish for, all the lawyers in the world will recieve two!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says,

"Okay, I wish for a Lamborghini Diablo!"

"Now, you realize that all the lawyers in the world will recieve two Lamborghini Diablos."

The genie waves his hands and a Lamborghini Diablo appears right on the golf course!

"Amazing! All right, for my next wish, I wish for a million dollars!"

"Now you realize that all the lawyers in the world will recieve two million dollars."

The genie waves his hands and a briefcase appears in the back of the Lamborghini Diablo with a million dollars in it!

"All right sir. What is your last wish?"

The guy thinks for a whil before answering.

"You know, those last two wishes were really kind of selfish. I think that I should do some good with my last one," then his face lights up.

"All right, Mr. Genie, for my last wish, I wish to donate a kidney!"

[averagejoe]

Once there was this lawyer who was contacted by the devil, who offered this lawyer a deal. "I can make you rich and powerful beyond your wildest dreams," the devil said, "and all you have to give me is the souls of your wife and children."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then said, "Okay. What's the catch?"

[Jade_Tarem]

By the way, I think you could make that last line more rounded-out if you shortened it to "It'll have to be a secret, just between us girls."

Ah, yes. That was the original wording (or close) but I couldn't remember it when I was posting the joke.

[loves_to_laugh]

here are some of my not taken already favorites:

An irishman walks out of a bar.


ok now this can be seen/read as being quite offensive but I don't think it is too bad...

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb

highlight for the answer:smallbiggrin:

[Jade_Tarem]

A man, working a typical desk job, heard the voice of God continually calling to him to quit his job and become a minister. This went on for so long, slowly growing more insistent, that he finally gave in, and told his boss he was quitting his job to join the clergy.

A week later, the man was asking for his job back.

"What happened?" asked the boss, "I thought God was calling you to join the church."

"Yes," replied the man, "but that was before He heard me preach."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A woman decided to do a study on sex in the military. She began gathering documents and interviewing various people, and upon interviewing an older-looking guy, she asked her first question: "When was the last time you had sex?"

He thought about it a moment, and then stated, "Nineteen Fifty-Eight."

"Wow!" said the woman, "Isn't that a long time to go without sex?"

The older man looked at her a moment, looking sort of puzzled. "Well, perhaps... but it's only Twenty-One Hundred right now."

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Here's one with an Irishman in it. If you live in the United Kingdom, please let me know if this offends.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, when three flies dive into their beers.

The Englishman says, "Bartender old chap! My beer seems to have a fly in it. Could I get another one?"

The bartender fills a new glass for the Englisman.

The Irishman says, "Ah, what the hell."

And with that, he downs his pint, fly and all.

The Scotsman pulls the fly out of his beer and screams, "SPIT IT OOT YA BASTARD!"

[loves_to_laugh]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are all stranded on an island when they find a magic lamp. The genie says, "You may each have 1 wish."
The red head replies, "I wish to be home with my family."
The genie claps his hands and she is gone.
The brunette replies, "I wish to go home to my boyfriend."
The genie claps his hands and she is gone.
The blonde replies, "Aww.... I wish my friends were here."

[loves_to_laugh]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Winterwind]

A one-person plane is flying over the jungle, when suddenly the engines begin to stutter. The pilot tries to regain control, but it's no use - the plane crashes, and he can parachute out in the last second. He arrives safely at the ground, drops the parachute and looks around - and realises that he is surrounded by a large group of natives, with wild tribal markings and vicious spears in their hands. A huge man with feathers in his hair steps forward, grinning broadly, bearing a spear in his hand as well.
The pilot reflects upon his - admittedly shakey - knowledge about the people of this region and arrives at the conclusion that these must be cannibals. Assured he is doomed he looks up to the sky and mutters,
"Heavens, I'm SCREWED!"
When, suddenly, he hears a mighty voice coming down from up high:
"No, you are not."
- "I'm not? What must I do?"
- "Go to the chieftain, grab his spear and kill him."
The pilot does as he is told, he runs to the chieftain, wrestles the spear away from him and begins to stab him, stab, stab, stab, until the chieftain falls down, dead.
- "And now?"
- "Now you are SCREWED."

[Xhalaran]

Do vegetarians eat Animal Crackers?
No... It doesn't support their beliefs.

A Warrior/Wizard is blasting a Dark Elf with Fireball repeatedly. Nothing seems to be happening. The Wizard's friend comes up and says, "You do know Dark Elves have Resist Fire, don't you"
The Wizard pulls out his mace and shouts "RESIST THIS!":smallfurious: as he cuts the Dark Elf into many tiny pieces.

Bike Safety, By: Hugh J. Crash
World Peace, By: Ivanna Kille U.

A man was cursed to always and only tell the truth. Months of adventuring made him grow weary and he finally had to take shelter in a small town. The home that took him in had a man, his wife, and a newborn baby. As the cursed man peered into the cradle, he calmly said, "My, what an ugly baby you've got!":smalltongue:

Patient- Doctor! Doctor! i think I'm a book bag!
Doctor- Why do you say that?
Patiant- I just broke some kid's back!

[averagejoe]

This one works best if you have someone to pick on. I'll pick Winterwind, because his was the first name I saw scrolling down, and he seems like he has a good sense of humor. No offense meant. :smallwink:

Winterwind and two of his friends find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. After a brief review, Saint Peter tells them that they can enter, but he cautions, "Whatever you do, don't step on a duck."

Winterwind and his two friends think that this is a pretty good deal, so they enter the gates only to discover that there are ducks everywhere. One of Winterwind's friends takes a step forward, and sure enough, he accidentally steps on a duck. Two angels descent, grab him, carry him off, and chain him to one of the ugliest people you've ever seen. Not just ugly, but an ugliness normally only achievable by make up artists.

Winterwind and his remaining friend look at each other, and decide that they should pay particular care when going anywhere. They step gingerly through the field of ducks, taking extra care not to put their foot down if they even suspect a duck might be there. However, Winterwind's friend suddenly loses his balance, and manages to crush a duck when he tries to steady himself, and sure enough two angels come down, carry him off, and chain him to this really, horribly ugly guy.

Now, Winterwind decides to himself, Screw this; it isn't worth the risk. I think I'll just stand here until all these ducks clear off. So he does, just standing there not doing anything, when suddenly two angels descend, carry him off, and chain him to the most gorgeous woman you've ever seen. Winterwind asks, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this," and she wails, "I stepped on a duck!"


A Warrior/Wizard is blasting a Dark Elf with Fireball repeatedly. Nothing seems to be happening. The Wizard's friend comes up and says, "You do know Dark Elves have Resist Fire, don't you"
The Wizard pulls out his mace and shouts "RESIST THIS!":smallfurious: as he cuts the Dark Elf into many tiny pieces.

I don't get it. :smallconfused:

[Winterwind]

This one works best if you have someone to pick on. I'll pick Winterwind, because his was the first name I saw scrolling down, and he seems like he has a good sense of humor. No offense meant. :smallwink:None taken. Good joke. :smallbiggrin:

And now for a few mathematics jokes (just to disprove that I have, supposedly, a good sense of humour :smalltongue: ):

---------

Different people are asked to prove that all odd numbers are prime numbers.

The physicist: "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is... experimental error, 11 is a prime, 13 is a prime, so we have 6 measurements, one of them is measurement error, so the statement is true."

The mathematician: "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, prove for all the others via induction."

The programmer: "3 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 3 is a prime..."

The lawyer: "3 is a prime - hah, so here we have the precedence already!"

---------

Math and alcohol don't mix, so...
Please, don't drink and derive!

---------

Have you heard the most recent joke about statisticians?
- Probably.

---------

To understand recursion one must understand recursion.

---------

Which animal can add?
- An octoplus.

[exodus_dragon]

Haunted House

There is this famous house that is supposedly haunted by a ghost. So one day a man wanted to check out the house. The guy walked up to the gate and a ghost apeared. the ghost said " I am the ghost of Janes hill, if you want to pass you have to cut off your wiener or Ill cut off your head. The man quickly chopped off his wiener and handed it to the ghost, the ghost cut off his head anyway. A couple days later another man had heard that the house was haunted so he decided to go the check it out. Again the ghost apeared and said "I am the ghost of Janes hill, if you want to pass you have to cut off your wiener or Ill cut off your head." The man quickly chopped off his wiener and gave it to the ghost, the ghost cut off his head any way. A few days later another man decided to check out the house. He got to the gate whe the ghost appeared, and said "I am the ghost of Janes hill, if you want to pass you hav eto cut off your wiener or Ill cut off your head." The many replied "I am the Ghost of christmas past, you touch my wiener Ill kick your A**!!"

[Mizerchute]

Why did god create man before he created woman?

Because he didn't want someone looking over his shoulder and giving him advice the whole time.

*shot*

Heh... but entirely worth it.

"When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn."
As an Asian-Australian whose last name has been phonetically anglicised I find this hilarious =D


An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “You know, there are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for no extra cost.”
“But then,” the dog replied, “it wouldn't make any sense at all.”

[Lolzords]

An englishman, a scotsman and a hot girl are sitting on a train together. The train goes into a tunnel and they hear a kissing noise and a slap, the englishman is nursing a poor face when they come out of the tunnel.

The englishman thinks "The scot must have tried to kiss the girl, she slapped him but missed and got me instead."

The girl thinks "The englishman must have tried to kiss me, kissed the scot and got slapped for it.

The scot thinks: "This is great, next time we go under a tunnel I'll make that kissing sound and slap the englishman again."

[Korith]

A comedian who was carrying a joke too far walked into a novelty store to buy some clown shoes. He set the joke down while trying them on and a sales clerk walked by.

"Sir, that's a rather sick joke you have there" the clerk said.

"I assure you, all my jokes are perfectly fine!" assured the comedian.

And then the joke died.

[Lolzords]

Three men crash their plane over an uncharted island, they are taken pirsoner by cannibals. The chief tells them to go collect 10 of a fruit

The first man goes and gets 10 apples and the chief tells him to shove them up his bottom while remaining expressionless and he will be set free. The man manages three before wincing and is eaten.

The second man goes and gets 10 grapes and the chief tells him to shove them up his bottom while remaining expressionless and he will be set free. The second man manages 8 and is putting the 9th up there and he suddenly bursts out laughing. He's killed and eaten.

In heaven, the first man is talking to the second man.

"What happened, you were nearly there."

"I know, but I saw Bill coming back with pineapples"

:smallbiggrin:

[unstattedCommoner]

Four adventurers walk into an inn.

The innkeeper says, "What do you think this is, a recruitment agency?"

--

Bad elf joke:

Q: Why did the orc cross the road?
A: Who cares as long as you get a clear shot?

[The Bushranger]

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that...

...only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[Mordan]

I actually worked in the Aviation for a long time, until I retired from the Army. Here's some more true ones...

1. Screw loose in cockpit.
Talked to pilot.

2. #2 circuit breaker popped while in flight
Reset circuit breaker
(circuit breakers are these little buttons that you push in to reset and are situated on copilots controls)

3. Panel lights not working
Turned on panel lights

4. Overhead light inop
Replaced bulb

5. Radio does not work in OFF position.
Turned radio to ON position.

6. Aircraft will not start
PEBCAS
(we had to call the mechanic in on this one... Promblem Exists Between Cyclic And Seat)

7. Fuel gauge reads empty
Told pilot to take aircraft to fuel point

8. Windshield dirty
Gave GLC to pilot
(GLC is military speak for GLass Cleaner)

These pilots have college degrees and thousands of hours of flight school BEFORE they're allowed to fly, and they come up with these things.

--------
Guy walks in to a bar and asks loudly, "Who's Rottweiler is that outside?"
A large man stands up and says, "Mine, why?"
The guy says, "Well, I own and chihuahua and I'm willing to bet $500 that my chihuahua can kill your rottweiler."
The large man laughs and says, "There is now way. I'll take that bet!"
So both men hand the bartender their money and go outside. Sure enough the rottweiler is laying on the ground and the chihuahua is nowhere to be seen. Upon closer examination the Rottweiller's mouth is covered in blood and chihuahua fur. The big man laughs and turns to the guy and then suddenly stops, seeing the guy smiling so proudly.
The man asks, "What are you smiling at, your chihuahua was obviously eaten by my Rottweiler?"
The guy responds, "Oh, I know he was. And I watched him choke to death on my dog before I went in to the bar."
------------
A guy goes on a blind date and when get picks up the girl he's pleasantly surprised to find that she's very attractive, and judging by her home, she comes from a wealthy family. As he's waiting to leave he sees diplomas and degrees from several prominent universities on her walls. So he assumes she intelligent also.

He decides to take her to the fair, just to have a good time. They go on a ride first after they get off the ride he asks her what she wants to do next. She responds, "get weighed"

So he takes her to the weight guessing booth, puts down $10 and sure enough the guy running the booth misses her weight and the guy wins double his money. He's very pleased, because now she's also helped him earn extra money.

They go on another ride and once they finish it he asks her again what she wants to do next, to which she resonds, "get weighed"

He assumes she has some fascination with her weight, but what girl doesn't he thinks and takes her to the booth. He again puts down his $10 but this time the carnie gets her weight exactly right, since he just them a few minutes ago. The guy thinks this is odd, but it hasn't exactly cost him anything at this point.

They ride a third ride, and once they're done he asks her yet again what she wants to do. The girl surpises him by stating, "get weighed"

The guy is annoyed and takes her to once again get her weight guess, and loses another $10. He's fed up with this cooky girl and decides to take her home.

One home her roommate asks how the date went, to which the girls responded, "wousy"

[Tormsskull]

*cracks knuckles, prepare for an onslaught*:

The Kindergarten Class

A class of kindergartners are sitting at their desks when the teacher passes around three pieces of candy to each kid. She tells them to put the first piece in their mouth, and then guess what it is.

One little girl says "Lemon!" And the teacher nods. She then tells them to put the second piece in. One little boy says "Strawberry!" And the teacher nods. She then tells them to put the third piece in. After all the kids are stumped she says "I'll give you a hint, It something your mommy would call your daddy."

A little boy in the back says "Spit it out! Its a piece of s***."


The Hunters

Three hunters are out in the woods. The first hunter walks a way out into the woods, and comes back with a deer. The third hunter says "How'd you do that?" "Find the tracks, follow the tracks, shoot the deer."

The second hunter walks out into the woods, and comes back with a deer. The third hunter says "How'd you do that?" "Find the tracks, follow the tracks, shoot the deer."

The third hunter walks into the woods, and comes back all bruised and injured. "What happened?" Both hunters ask. "Found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by a train."


The Blondes

A blonde driving in her car sees another blonde sitting in the middle of a cornfield in a row boat. She stops her car, gets out, and shouts, "What are you doing?"

The other blond responds "Rowing my boat, stupid."

The first blond shouts, "You know, its dumb blondes like you that give us smart blondes a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass."


The Escaped Prisoners

Three women, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead, escape from a local prison and flee into the nearby farm. They see the guards chasing them so they decide to hide out in the barn.

When the guards enter the barn they get very close to the brunette who is hiding next to the cows. She makes a sound "moooooo". The guards move on to very close to the redhead, who is hiding with the sheep. She makes a sound "baaaaaaa". The guards move on very close to the blond, who is hiding under a sack of potatoes. She makes a sound "Sack of potatoes."


The Firing Squad

Three men all on death row are dragged to a shooting range. The first man is told to stand against the wall. The soldiers level their guns. The marshall shouts out, "Ready! Aim!" And the prisoner shouts "TORNADO!" All of the soldiers drop to the ground and the prisoner runs off.

They throw the second prisoner up against the wall. The marshall shouts out, "Ready! Aim!" And the prisoner shouts "HURRICANE!" All of the soldiers drop to the ground and the prisoner runs off.

They throw the third prisoner up against the wall. The marshal shouts out, "Ready! Aim!" And the prisoner shouts "FIRE!"


The Deceased Husband

A man dies and finds himself at the gates to the afterlife. The guard of the gate says to the man in front of him "You lived your life very poorly. You cheated on your wife many times. Because of that, you will drive around the afterlife in a Pinto." The man sighs and enters the afterlife.

The next man in front of him steps up. The guard says "You lived your life poorly. You cheated on your wife several times. Because of that, you will drive around the afterlife in a Kia." The man sighs and enters the afterlife.

Now its the man's turn. The guard says "You sir lived an exemplary life. You never cheated on your wife. Because of that, you will drive around the afterlife in a Viper." The man is very happy as he enters the afterlife.

Later, the man in the Pinto sees the man in the Viper crying. "What's wrong man? You're driving around in a Viper." He responds, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard."


bada-ching. I'm here all week.

[The Bushranger]

Three Canadians and three Americans were travelling to a hockey game.

The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.

'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?', asks an American. 'Watch and you'll see,' says a Canadian.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, 'Ticket please!' The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed American. 'Watch and you'll see,' replies a Canadian.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.

Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please!'

[A Rainy Knight]

There were four people who were very close throughout life: a doctor, a scientist, a banker, and a lawyer. One day, the banker died. As he had worked with money in life, they saw it fitting to lay money in his grave. The doctor sadly placed a fifty dollar bill in the grave. The scientist came foward, brushed a tear from his eye, and put a fifty dollar bill in the grave. The lawyer came forward, took the money out of the grave, and put in a check for a hundred and fifty dollars.

[unstattedCommoner]

Q: What do you get if you cross a B52 with a violin?

A: A stratovarius.

[The Bushranger]

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. After he finishes it, he pulls out a revolver and blows the bartender's head off, then turns to leave. A patron, aghast, demands, "what did you do that for?!" The panda tosses him an old, beat-up dictionary. "I'm a panda," he says, as he walks out the door. "Look me up."

The patron opens the dictionary, flips to the "P" section, and does, in fact, find an explanation.

PANDA. Large, black-and-white, bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.

[unstattedCommoner]

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"The pitcher is"
"The pitcher is who?"
"No, Who's on first."

[Felixaar]

If you tell this one to a science geek, you'll have a friend for the rest of your life.

Two atoms are walking down the street, when one of them stops suddenly.
"What's wrong?" his companion asks.
"I think I just lost an electron," came the reply.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

I feel sad that I got that.

[Winterwind]

Did you know that the more you know, the less money you earn? It is so! It's mathematically provable!

First, as we all know,
i ) knowledge = power

Second, we also know:
ii) power = work/time

However, another well known adage tells us:
iii) time = money

Inserting iii) in ii) and ii) in i), we get:
iv) knowledge = work/money <==> money = work/knowledge

See? The more you know, the less money you earn for the same amount of work! Appalling! :smallyuk:

[The Bushranger]

Did you know that the more you know, the less money you earn? It is so! It's mathematically provable!

First, as we all know,
i ) knowledge = power

Second, we also know:
ii) power = work/time

However, another well known adage tells us:
iii) time = money

Inserting iii) in ii) and ii) in i), we get:
iv) knowledge = work/money <==> money = work/knowledge

See? The more you know, the less money you earn for the same amount of work! Appalling! :smallyuk:

Heh heh heh, there was something very similar in Dilbert a long time ago:

Dilbert: (asked why he reads) Because I gain knowledge, and knowledge is power.
Dogbert: But if knowledge is power...
Power corrupts...
Corruption is a crime...
And crime doesn't pay...
If you keep reading, you'll go broke!

[BizzaroStormy]

Jokes? Ok, I got a joke for ya,

What sucks and uses flurry of blows?

[Roderick_BR]

Did you know that the more you know, the less money you earn? It is so! It's mathematically provable!

First, as we all know,
i ) knowledge = power

Second, we also know:
ii) power = work/time

However, another well known adage tells us:
iii) time = money

Inserting iii) in ii) and ii) in i), we get:
iv) knowledge = work/money <==> money = work/knowledge

See? The more you know, the less money you earn for the same amount of work! Appalling! :smallyuk:
I have a similar one.
Swiss cheese have holes. A hole means less cheese in that space.
The larger the cheese, more holes it have.
The more holes, less cheese.
The more cheese you have, more holes, and less cheese you have.
So, the more cheese you have, less cheese you have.


Jokes? Ok, I got a joke for ya,

What sucks and uses flurry of blows?
A tick monk?:smalltongue:

[Eldritch Knight]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Death.
Death who?
Dea-*ack* *GASP* *gurgle*

[Leicontis]

Knowledge is power.
Power corrupts.
Study hard.
Be evil.

Here's proof that women are evil:
Women require time and money, so

Women = time * money

And we know that time is money, so

time = money

Women = money * money = money^2

Finally, since we are told that money is the root of all evil,

money = Sqrt(evil)

Women = (Sqrt(evil))^2

Women = evil

[slight strider]

The Hold-Up guy walks into a Chinese Restaurant and says,"give me all your money."

The man behind the counter says, "To take out?"


Not my favorite but the first one I've heard in a while.

[NinjaFish]

I haven't been on these boards in FOREVER! No better way to say hello than with some terrible gags!

Joker: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese...Reese...
Random Person: Witherspoon?
Joker: No, with a knife!

Q: What's the complement to a 43 degree angle?
A: My, you're looking ACUTE today!

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting coefficient of friction"
"Interrupting coefficient of..."
"MU!"

[Shas aia Toriia]

Great jokes people. I'd contribute, but all of mine have already been posted. :smallfrown:

[The Bushranger]

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant fussing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't stand it any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"

[Dragoon]

I have a couple more science jokes to add to the bunch

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer try to build the fence that covers the most area possible. The engineer goes first and builds a square fence, since it's nice and stable. The physicist builds a circle fence, which is the shape that covers the most area. The mathematician builds a small square fence around himself. He then says, "I declare myself to be on the outside!"

Same three sleeping in different rooms, when a fire breaks out in each room. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire, sees a full bucket of water and dumps it all on the fire, putting it out. The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, sees the bucket, and carefully uses just enough water to put out the fire. The mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, and looks at the bucket and says, "There is a solution to the problem." and goes back to bed.

[Rogue 7]

A Priest and an ex-con are playing Golf. The ex-con hits a shot into a sandtrap and shouts "Damn it, I missed!". The priest looks aghast and says "God will punish you for using such language!" The ex-con tells him to shove it, and they keep on playing. At the next hole, the ex-con misses an easy 2-foot putt and shouts "Damn it, I missed!" The priest tells him- "God will punish you, I already told you!" The ex-con doesn't respond. On the next hole, the ex-con hits the ball into a water hazard and shouts "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says "I've given you enough warnings. God, Punish this fool!" A huge lightning bolt shoots out of the clear blue sky and strikes the priest, vaporizing him instantly. The ex-con hears a huge voice from above- "Damn it, I missed!"

A town is flooding rapidly, and everyone evacuates but the priest, who had announced to the whole town that "I put my trust in God. God will save me." The water begins to rise, and the priest climbs onto the roof of the church. A rowboat of relief workers comes along and tells the priest that he has to come with them or else he will drown. The priest responds with what he had said before- "I put my trust in God. God will save me."
The rowboat leaves, and the waters rise some more. The priest is forced to go to the top of the roof, right up against the steeple. A motorboat comes, and tells the priest that he has to come with them or else he will die. He responds "I put my trust in God. God will save me." The motorboat leaves. The waters continue to climb and the priest is forced onto the steeple. A helicopter comes and lowers a rescue worker to the priest and says "This is your absolute last chance, you have to come with us or you will drown." The priest responds- "I put my trust in God. God will save me." He drowns. When he gets to heaven, he sees God and asks- "I was a good priest, I helped people, I spread your word. Why didn't you save me?" God responds- "I sent a rowboat, a motorboat, and a helicopter. What more do you want from me?!"

Jesus, Moses, and another person are playing golf. Moses hits the ball towards the water hazard, but at the last minute, he raises his club, the water parts, and the ball bounces off the bottom of the water and onto the green. Jesus hits the ball onto the water, but it floats. He walks on the water to the ball and hits it onto the green and into the hole. The third person goes, and he hits the ball onto the water. As it's sinking, a fish comes along and snaps the ball up. At that moment, an osprey dives from the sky and picks up the fish, carrying it away. As the osprey leaves the golf course, the fish, in its last gasp of life, vomits up the ball. It lands on the highway where it bounces off a car and back onto the golf course. A lawnmower passing picks up the ball and sends it rocketing towards the green. It lands on the green, bounces off a rock, and into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and whispers- "I hate playing with your Dad."

A man walks into a bar and asks to use the restroom. The bartender responds "second door on the right." The man goes into the door and there's a giant, beautiful, solid gold toilet. It's the most perfect toilet he's ever seen, and using it is an enlightening experience. He is almost sad to finish. The next day, he comes into the bar and asks for the restroom, as he wants to use the fabulous golden toilet. The bartender responds "second door on the left". He goes into that door, and it's a plain old ordinary toilet. The man goes to the bartender and asks what happened to the perfect golden toilet. The bartender responds "So YOU'RE the guy who took a dump in my Tuba!"

A brunette is jumping up and down on the railroad tracks yelling "21!" "21!"...etc. A blond comes up and thinks that this looks like fun. She does the same thing. When the train comes, the brunette dodges out of the way and the blonde is crushed to death. The brunette gets back on the rails and begins jumping, yelling "22!" "22!" "22!"

[Dorizzit]

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up, hits the ball. It goes into the water trap. He sighs. He parts the water, tees up, and hits the ball into the hole. Jesus tees up. He hits the ball. It goes into the water trap. He sighs. He walks on the water, brings the ball up, tees up, and hits the ball into the hole. The old man tees up. He hits the ball, and it's about to go into the water trap when a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle and into a birds claws. A lightning bolt fries the bird and it falls into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says: "Jesus, I'm never playing with your dad again."

------

An amazing hypnotist comes to town. A huge crowd gathers at the theater where his show is. He takes out an ornate pocketwatch and says: "This watch has been in my family for generations. Now, I'm going to hypnotize the whole audience, so watch the watch." He begins swinging it back and forth. "Watch the watch, watch the watch." The whole audience falls under his spell. He makes them do a variety of funny things for his entertainment, until his hands slip and he the watch falls and shatters on the stage. He yells out "S***!"


And they were cleaning up the theater for weeks.

[A Rainy Knight]

How do you know when there's a singer at your door?
-He can't find the key and he doesn't know when to come in.
How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?
-The knocking gets gradually faster and faster.

[Ominous]

Two eggs walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve breakfast."

[exodus_dragon]

There is this big poetry contest. And there is tie between two finalists, a Hick from the boons, and a very rich educated man. The judges are stumped at how to break the tie. Finally one of them decides that they should make a poem on the spot using a random word. So the judges agreed and put a lot of words into a hat. They pull one out the word is "Timbucktoo." The rich guy goes first the judges tell him the word and gives him 30 seconds to think.

here is his poem:

"Camels traveling two by two
across the desert sands
destination Timbucktoo"

Everyone applauds, yah, wohooo!!!!

Then the told the hick the same thing.

here is his poem:

"Me and Tim a hunting we went
Came across a whore tent
They was three we was two
I buck one and Tim buck two."

[potatocubed]

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
One's weasily identified, and the other's stoatally different!

--

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the other oh... wait.

[SilentNight]

Just found the thread, not gonna read 6 pages so sorry in advance.

Two muffins are sitting in an ove and one says, "Man, it's getting hot in here."
The other one says, "Holy &@$%! A talking muffin."

This joke normally features a well known politician but I have changed it for the boards.
Uwe Boll walks into a bar with a frog on his head and the bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that ugly thing?" The frog says, "I don't know, it's been growing off my rear for two days."

This one is courtesy of my pu-cracking friend.(Say it out loud if you don't get it.
Once there was a composer who went into Heiden because he was baroque and the mony-lenders had issued threats of violins/
Sorry to anyone who is offended by these followig ones. They are not mine. On the other hand, you've problably heard them before.
Q:How do you tell it a stage is level?
A:If drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

[Storm Bringer]

How does every ethinc joke start?

by looking over you shoulder


It's the middle ages, and the english are invading Scotland (Again).

the english army is advancing down a valley when a lone scotsman appears on the ridgeline and shouts "B***** off, ya bunch of women!"

The english king looks up at this impdent scotsman, then turns to his aide "Send ten men to kill that fellow."

Ten men duly gallop up the hill. the Scotsman sees them coming and ducks behind the ridgeline. the horsemen disappear over the ridge, and a short scuffle is heard. then, moments later, the scotsman reappears, and shouts

"Is that the best you can do, ya soft southen pansies!"

the english king frowns, and turns to his aide "Send a hundred men"

So a hundred men at arms jog up the hill, once agian, the scotsman disappears below the ridgeline. The hundred men follow, and a lot of shouting and screaming his heard, before the scotsman once again returns, shouting

"my Wife fights better than you lot! Come on, give us a challenge!"

the english king mutters under his breath, and the aide asks "shall we send a thousand?"

the king shakes his head "No, send the Duke of York's detachment. All ten thousand of them". So the duke of york leads his massive force up the hill. the scotsmans takes one look at the oncoming horde a runs below the ridge. the force rolls over the hilltop, and the next ten minutes are filled with the sounds of a great battle, before all is slient. for five minutes, nothing is heard, and the scotsman did not reappear. finally, a single badly wounded english knight trots back over the hilltop and rides to where the king waits anxiously. the kinght, bearly able to sit in his saddle, manages to gasp out

"it's a trap, sir! theirs two of them!"

[SoD]

Well, seeing as the musician jokes have started:

How do trumpet players introduce themselves? Hello, I'm better than you.

Why have orchestras and jazz bands been banned from appearing on TV before nine at night? Too much sax and violins.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

What do you do if a musician can't play his instrument? Take it away, give him a pair of sticks, shove him up the back and call him a drummer.

What do you do if he can't play the drums? Take away one of his sticks, shove him up the front, call him a conductor.

What do you call a muso without a significant other? Homeless.

How does a guitarist finish the day with 1 million dollars? Starts the day with 10 million.

A girl has been complaining to her brother nonstop about not having a boyfriend. This has been going on for the past few months, and finally, he decides to set her up with guys from the band. On the first try, he sets her up with a trumpet player, books them a restaurant, and lets them get on with it. The next day he asks her: ''So, how was it?'' ''Awful!'' she replies, ''he had such tight lips, I couldn't get any action!''
The next week, he tries her with another one of the guys, this one was a tuba player, books the restaurant and waits at home. When he sees her the next morning: ''So, how was it this time?'' she shudders and exclaims: ''oh, don't talk to me about it! His big flabby lips, urgh, it was the worst night I ever had!''
The next week, he tries out a new guy in the band, who happened to play the french horn, same deal, book restaurant, wait. The next morning he says: ''Well? Any good at kissing?'' "Soso," she replies "but you should've seen the way he held me!"

A pair of musician walk past a bar.

But seriously folks, the other day a saxophonist set the world record for the longest a musician has ever gone without a drink. Seven and a half yards.



Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week, see you all at the bar down the road!

[AngelsRetreat]

So, a seal walks into a club.

[Korith]

How do you know if an Eskimo is on fire?
He voluntarily goes for a swim

How do you know if a Penguin is on fire?
Something smells like chicken.

How do you know if a Cave Man is on fire?
He screams.

[Shraik]

So there is this guy. His name is Benny. He is told by some magic lady that, if he never shaves, he can live forever.
So he takes her deal.
He lives like this for quite some time, until he's about to get married. So, as he's getting ready for the wedding, the bride tells him he needs to shave.
So he shaves and the magic lady is not happy. So what she does is she turns him into a Venician urn.
Just goes to show ya: A benny shaved, is a benny urned.

and what is the rule about "your mother" jokes such as "Your mother is like a bad video game. Over advertised, expensive, and not that great"?

[Thiel]

Brian believes in himself.
Others prefer a more mainstream religion

Crowing old sucks, but the alternative is worse

[Nano]

Have to say this one out loud...

A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

[Vuzzmop]

Ever eaten Ethiopian food? Nah, neither have they. "ba-dum tish"

If I didn't make it un-PC, it wouldn't be worth it.