A Consumer Warning for D-War: Dragon Wars

[FireSpark]

Let's see. How best to put it?

D-War: Dragon Wars, asides from having a ridiculous title, is celebration of just how craptacular you can make a movie, and still manage to get it onto the big screen. In my past twenty years of movie watching, I have never seen a movie this bad. And that includes such B-movies as 'Day of the Triffeds', 'The beast of yucca flats', and of course 'Teenagers from Outer Space'. All these old, cheesy, black and white films easily outstrip D-War, and the atrocity that it has wrought upon the silver screen. Believe me when I say that there aren't enough expletives in any language on Earth that would allow for an accurate description of this waste of celluloid. But incase that isn't enough to convince you to save your money, allow me to list it out for your ease of digestion.


The acting was terrible. And I don't mean terrible as in "these must be D-list actors". Oh no. I mean terrible as in atrocious. As in "they happen to see these people walking by the studio when it came time to start filming" atrocious. I've seen better acting on YouTube.
The cinematography just plain sucked. Bad angles, horrendous editing, and overall pathetic sets make the movie only worse. If that is even possible.
The plot. Or rather, the complete and total lack of one. Oh there's the genesis seed for some sort of story buried near the beginning, in some ancient legend that gets rushed through. You know, so they can hurry up and get back to the suck.
The graphics were the only thing that even came close to being on par with current industry minimums. I say minimums, because when there's a CGI effect on screen, it's screamingly blatant.


In short, do not go see this movie. Not in your local theater, nor the dollar theater. Don't buy it, rent it, or even consider thinking about doing any of the above. Save your money and your time. In closing, just trust me when I say that even the MST3k crew wouldn't even want to come near this one.

I give this movie 10 sucks......outta 5.

[Seraph]

I heard it had giant lizards with rocket launchers on. surely this makes up for something?

[kpenguin]

I could surmise that it was sucktacular movie from the ads. Your review confirmed my suspicions.

[D-Man]

It could not be been any worse then D&D: The Movie or Reign of Fire. Could it?

D-Man

[JackMage666]

Hmm... I'm not fully convinced of your credentials... Let me ask you a few questions -

1. What did you think about Pirates of the Caribean?
2. What did you think about Underworld?
3. What did you think about Donnie Darko?
4. What did you think about The Covenant?
5. What did you think about Pan's Labrinth?

Tell me that, and I'll consider your review.

[Dr._Weird]

Now I really want to see it.

[Rob Knotts]

I managed to sit through Wing Commander.

I loved Spirit of '76.

I'm an Albert Pyun fan.

Me and a couple friends had nothing to do one day, so we tried sitting through Chairman of the Board, but when we saw the "Annie" scene coming we ran to the only other movie in the theatre: Spice World. Sat through the whole thing and still figured we dodged a bullet.

I paid money to see both Hellraiser and Hellraiser 2 in theatres.

I still have A Man Called Sarge on tape somewhere.

Hell, I used to have my friends sit down to watch Liquid Sky, starting the tape with stop-watch in hand.

From what I can tell from the previews, Dragon Wars will probably be awful (the plot sounds like a low-budget anime). Even so, after paying full price to see the 1998 american Godzilla, I suspect D-Wars will shine in comparison:smallbiggrin:

Edit: And this time I won't make the same mistake I made with Godzilla - I will most certainly be drunk when I go see Dragon Wars:smallwink:

[tannish2]

i could tell from the NAME that it was crap, the commercial confirmed my fact(i dont say suspicion, because i was sure as soon as i heard the name) and really, why would you see it when your NOT impaired? if you get arrested say "well... the movie was so terrible i had to go out, get drunk, and come back for the rest of it...i asked for my money back but they refused. i watch scifi originals and even I think that was bad."

[Setra]

i could tell from the NAME that it was crap
I stopped reading after this.

If NAMES meant everything, the Hobbit would obviously be one of the worst books published.

[Pwenet]

My cat ran out of the room in terror when a commercial came on.

Trust the power of the kitty! They are wise! They know what movies will suck away your time!

I thank you FireSpark for taking one for the team to watch this, and to spread the warning. Your heroic sacrifice shall be remembered!

[FireSpark]

Hmm... I'm not fully convinced of your credentials... Let me ask you a few questions -

1. What did you think about Pirates of the Caribean?
2. What did you think about Underworld?
3. What did you think about Donnie Darko?
4. What did you think about The Covenant?
5. What did you think about Pan's Labrinth?

Tell me that, and I'll consider your review.

1. The first Pirates was an awesome Pirate movie. Action, romance, a little suspense, and a whole heap of funny. The second tried to hold on to this formula but got lost with all the crazyness of making guys into fish-shapes. The third was an exercise in control, on my part, to not go find the writers and slap them up side the head. I know that sequels need to do as good as their predecessors, but there is such as thing as going to damn far.
2. Underworld was decent remix of the old vampire vs. werewolf theme. Awesome action scenes, with a decent story, on par acting made for a good, fun flick. The sequel again, fell victim to "if we add a whole bunch more of what we already had, then it will be that much better!", and in the end was slightly overkill on the senses. The story was still okay.
3. Ugh, where do I begin. I'm all for mind bending, but if I have to watch a movie a second time just to understand it, it loses points in my book. This is one of those movies that needs a "inebriation required for adequate viewing" labels.
4. Blergh, no thanks. Didn't even bother going to see this one. Saw the Craft, didn't figure I needed to see it again with pretty boys instead. My friends who did go see it said that watching the guys for their "cuteness" was the highlight of the outing.
5. Haven't gotten around to seeing this one, but I've been told it's extremely trippy, and so I want to see it just for that factor.



Look, by the 30 minute mark of D-War, I was seriously wanting to go back and just watch the horrible trailer for Resident Evil: Exctinction. I'd have rather seen that played over and over for a soild hour, than watch this s**tcake.

And yes there were lizard things that had cannon-things on their backs. They looked stupid, having all of two feet (yes, just 2) and being called Dawdlers. Oh yeah, real intimidating with that name.

"Watch out, or I'll sick the Dawdlers on you!"

:smallyuk:

[Jibar]

The third was an exercise in control, on my part, to not go find the writers and slap them up side the head. I know that sequels need to do as good as their predecessors, but there is such as thing as going to damn far.

Okay, I have to say, when judging film trilogies, yes, you may judge them individually when each film comes out, but when they've all been released for a while, then you judge the whole package.
When you judge the whole package with Pirates, you get something absolutely brilliant, with only one upset.

I also really want to argue about Donnie Darko, but it has proved to be a big divide on the board before, appearing on both the Greatest and Worst Film Ever lists.

[JackMage666]

1. The first Pirates was an awesome Pirate movie. Action, romance, a little suspense, and a whole heap of funny. The second tried to hold on to this formula but got lost with all the crazyness of making guys into fish-shapes. The third was an exercise in control, on my part, to not go find the writers and slap them up side the head. I know that sequels need to do as good as their predecessors, but there is such as thing as going to damn far.
2. Underworld was decent remix of the old vampire vs. werewolf theme. Awesome action scenes, with a decent story, on par acting made for a good, fun flick. The sequel again, fell victim to "if we add a whole bunch more of what we already had, then it will be that much better!", and in the end was slightly overkill on the senses. The story was still okay.
3. Ugh, where do I begin. I'm all for mind bending, but if I have to watch a movie a second time just to understand it, it loses points in my book. This is one of those movies that needs a "inebriation required for adequate viewing" labels.
4. Blergh, no thanks. Didn't even bother going to see this one. Saw the Craft, didn't figure I needed to see it again with pretty boys instead. My friends who did go see it said that watching the guys for their "cuteness" was the highlight of the outing.
5. Haven't gotten around to seeing this one, but I've been told it's extremely trippy, and so I want to see it just for that factor.

Your opinions on Donnie Darko and the Covenant have my approval. Your lack of seeing Pan's Labyrinth makes it harder to judge. However, your approval of Pirates of the Caribean and Underworld make me doubt your credentials, heavily. Particularly Underworld. Your review lacks my stamp of approval, and I will have to see the movie for myself.

[ray53208]

Hmm... I'm not fully convinced of your credentials... Let me ask you a few questions -

1. What did you think about Pirates of the Caribean?
2. What did you think about Underworld?
3. What did you think about Donnie Darko?
4. What did you think about The Covenant?
5. What did you think about Pan's Labrinth?

Tell me that, and I'll consider your review.

1. i fell asleep during every single movie. i slept best during the first, so thats my favorite one of the three.
2. see number 1, but also add that its lame cliche eurotrash vampires made me want to run screaming into a pack of those cat-creatures they named after sea algae.
3. donnie darko is one of the best movies ever made. ever.
4. the covenant? the crapulent.
5. pan's labyrinth was a beautiful and mesmerizing story and a definite must-own movie.

my surly-sense went off the moment i saw the dragon wars commercial. i said to a buddy of mine that it looks like a crappy knock off of a crappy movie: its the transformers with the serial numbers filed off.

[RTGoodman]

You see, I was watching the Sci-Fi Channel when I first saw an ad for Dragon Wars. Upon seeing it, I said to myself, "Hey, that looks as bad as Scarecrow Slayer. Surely I'll have to make sure to watch it, because it has to be one of those 'Sci-Fi Original Movies' that are always so terrible but hilarious to watch."

Then I saw that it was an actual theatrical release, and I was speechless. Surely it's a bad sign when you create a movie that looks like it's something the Sci-Fi Channel would create.

[....]

Isn't the only reason you'd go see a movie called Dragon Wars to watch dragons fight with tanks and buildings?

[my_evil_twin]

It it possible that this is somehow a failed attempt to reproduce the success of Snakes on a Plane?

[FireSpark]

You see, I was watching the Sci-Fi Channel when I first saw an ad for Dragon Wars. Upon seeing it, I said to myself, "Hey, that looks as bad as Scarecrow Slayer. Surely I'll have to make sure to watch it, because it has to be one of those 'Sci-Fi Original Movies' that are always so terrible but hilarious to watch."

Then I saw that it was an actual theatrical release, and I was speechless. Surely it's a bad sign when you create a movie that looks like it's something the Sci-Fi Channel would create.

Yeah, I was thinking about it being on par with TV sci-fi movies as well, except that I've seen waaaayyyyy better acting and plots on the Sci-Fi channels movies. Yes, that's right. I would rather watch Stephen Baldwin, than this movie.


Your opinions on Donnie Darko and the Covenant have my approval. Your lack of seeing Pan's Labyrinth makes it harder to judge. However, your approval of Pirates of the Caribean and Underworld make me doubt your credentials, heavily. Particularly Underworld. Your review lacks my stamp of approval, and I will have to see the movie for myself.

Hey, it's your time and money, so I won't try to talk you out of it. But when you do go, be sure to bring a friend or two to share the pain. At least that way, you'll have someone to talk to once you get bored with guessing exactly what's about to happen.

Oh, and booze. Lots of booze.

[RTGoodman]

It it possible that this is somehow a failed attempt to reproduce the success of Snakes on a Plane?

Except that someone's already tried that - it's called "Snakes on a Train" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0843873/), and it's one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life. Of course, it's from the same people that also made such gems as "The DaVinci Treasure," "Transmorphers," and "Alien Vs. Hunter."

[SteveMB]

Let's see. How best to put it?.

[snip]

I give this movie 10 sucks......outta 5.

Aw, c'mon; tell us how you really feel.... :smallbiggrin:

[Rob Knotts]

Isn't the only reason you'd go see a movie called Dragon Wars to watch dragons fight with tanks and buildings?Actually, the only thing that really appeals to me about the movie is the gigantic cobra "dragon" slithering up buildings, attacking a city bus like it was a rat, and wiping out covered parking lots.

As for the dragons vs. tanks idea, from the trailer it actually looks more like dinosaurs vs. tanks. Granted, some of the dinosaurs have really nasty Chinese fireworks strapped to thier backs, but I'm not sure any of the beasties on this movie breathe fire the way you might expect them to.

[tannish2]

I stopped reading after this.

If NAMES meant everything, the Hobbit would obviously be one of the worst books published.

nonono its the absolute cheesiness of the name, (it may as well have been "werewolf VS frankenstein", the recent presence of dragons in any recent movie has lead to a shining beacon of crap)i waited for the "it takes place in modern day" part and lack of any actor i had ever heard of to confirm that.

then theres the fact that i can see the whole thought process in my head right now "hey, war movies are cool, and dragons are cool... i wonder if...."

[F.H. Zebedee]

I went to it yesterday afternoon. My three friends and I were the only ones there. As such, I can not FULLY elaborate on the movie, as I was MST3king most of it, but I can say it gave me plenty to work with.

The SFX were pretty good, a tiny bit worse than Godzilla 98. Some little glitches or whatever, but y'know, nothing anywhere near as glaring as the Scifi stuff.

The entire movie had a cast of this many people:
-Old guy, and his reincarnation. Basically, the Gandalf. The other mains run around being useless. He kills stuff, looking cool. And if anybody does anything good, they're him in disguise.
-Dopey newsguy/his ancient incarnation, both of which were totally pointless except for carrying an +5 amulet of deus ex machina. Seriously, one of the mains was only in there to pad the run time and create a hokey romance with no chemistry. Tolerable actor, but no material.
-Dragon power sacrificial girl: Core to the plot. A decent actress, as far as I could discern, but that may be because she was the only one with any real drama to act with. And even then, not that good.
-Evil Old Guy: Like old guy, but evil. Has a sword that forms around a hilt, using the same animation, each time prominently shone. Like a dozen times.
-Comedy Black Guy: Only unique by being ambiguous in his survival. Otherwise, standard.
-Angry Black Woman: Notable for being one of maybe a handful of people with lines that AREN'T Old Guy 1 or Old Guy 2.
-Beleaguered Security Guard: He sees the big evil snake a lot. Has NO effect on plot, and NO reason to be in there, really. Standard jokes apply. Borderline humorous just in that they THOUGHT he'd be funny.
-FBI Agent: Just a minute padder, and a plot device to bring the army in.
-FBI Agent 2: Wipes Agent 1's butt, plotwise, by killing him to keep him from being logical and saving hundreds of lives by killing a pretty girl.
-Bitchy Friend: Just serves to force Plot Girl to act in a horror movie stupid way. Eaten within minutes of the flashback ending.
-Black Snake: Supposedly an evil serpent. Spends most of the movie chasing the heroes (Also known as Plot Girl and her amazing sidekick the Amulet Rack.). Despite being supposedly some kind of demonic mastermind, can't think of anything smarter to do than directly pursuing the girl.
-White Snake: Good guy counterpart to the evil black snake. Leaves the plot alone for pretty much the entire movie. And instead of saving thousands of lives from the battle, waits until he can greedily devour plot girl and become a DIVINE (!) dragon.

And yeah, that's all there is. And only the girl, out of that entire list, gets ANY developement as a character. Amulet Rack remains unchanged throughout the whole thing, really, despite getting the most screentime.

Now, as for monster designs:
-Good snake, bad snake, one snake, two snake: Maybe I'm just spoiled by Toho, but I want more than just a big cobra for a demigod snake. Heck, golden/silver edged scales would have been adequate. As is, hardly a memorable design, though I did enjoy pretty much all of their choreography and the effects they had on the terrain by moving. Their fight was GORGEOUS, though. Get somebody to smuggle in a camera and tape it, then cut out everything but the fight. It was about the only scene that was totally worth watching.
-Dawdlers: Supposed to be frightening, but end up looking like a cross between Shrek, Fiddy Cent, and a toaster. I WILL go against the opening post and say that the slug design made them look distinctive, but overall, just not really too intimidating. Nice effects surrounded them though, namely a very observant touch with making one's cannons nick a sign in passing. Their shots looked nice, but were inconsistant, failing to take out a helicopter on a direct hit, though easily blowing tanks apart.
-Wyverns: Kinda indistinct, but nice choreography in their fights. About all there is to say for them.
-Mounted Troops: Only notable for two or three cool shots of them jumping around, and the fact that they're pretty much the only monster that gets taken out by the armed forces.
-Footsoldiers: All Shredder wannabes. No good choreography, and the curious ability to block thousands of incoming bullets with a towers shield. Virtually useless except for being better mook mook-killers than the armed forces mook mook-killers.

Overall, the maker's hearts were in the right place. They apparently WANTED to make a good movie, and tried. The special effects were solid, but mostly uninspired, except for one or two great scenes (Wyverns vs. Copters was mostly good, if having no point, and the Snake chase before the towers scene was okay. And the final battle between good and evil snakes was magnificent, and actually made the villain seem like a valid threat, even when thwarted. Though still only in a physical sense.)

I'd give it a 65/100. I didn't feel ripped off by it, and it didn't really leave me feeling ANGRY (Like Volcano did, probably mainly by outright killing all likable characters and leaving the preachy jerks and Too-Stupid-To-Live crowd in the genepool.), though that may be due to not having any likable characters. It's watchable, fun, and most of all, stupid. I'd say go get together a crowd of friends that like ripping on cheap movies, and make a night of it. Don't worry about pissing people off. Anybody there to seriously watch a movie will be gone within ten minutes.

[Disposablecat]

Going to see it tonight, with friends of course. It will be mocked thoroughly.

[JackMage666]

Zebedee - Now that's a critique! Bravo!

[Disposablecat]

Well I just got done watching it. It wasn't as "bad-funny" as I would have liked. :smallfrown: What was the main guy also in? I know I've seen him in some TV show before. That bugged me the whole movie.

[Twin2]

It it possible that this is somehow a failed attempt to reproduce the success of Snakes on a Plane?

I'd say it leans closer to a more violent We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story if anything.

[starwoof]

Apparently D-War was the highest grossing south korean film of all time, and was really popular in Korea. :smallconfused: They were coutning on it doing well in america not because it was good, but because it was korean, according to wikipedia.


Quick question: You know that trailer with the guy at the party, and he was talking about going to japan and then his friends were 'my number one man' and hes like 'Im your number one man!'? Was that fort his movie? I sure hope not.

[Twin2]

Quick question: You know that trailer with the guy at the party, and he was talking about going to japan and then his friends were 'my number one man' and hes like 'Im your number one man!'? Was that fort his movie? I sure hope not.

No that's a different one that's not got a lot of info out called cloverfield so far (true title hasn't been given out yet).

[starwoof]

No that's a different one that's not got a lot of info out called cloverfield so far (true title hasn't been given out yet).

Oh thank the gods. That trailer looks coooool.

[FireSpark]

Well I just got done watching it. It wasn't as "bad-funny" as I would have liked. :smallfrown: What was the main guy also in? I know I've seen him in some TV show before. That bugged me the whole movie.

You'd be correct. That guy has been around the TX circuit a bit. I had trouble placing him too, but then I found out it was because of his Tom-Cruise-wannabe haircut. Looked him up, and the series I remember him from is the occasional Roswell episode that I deigned to watch. But to make things easier on you, here's a link to his complete filmography, according to IMdB (http://http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004736/).

Little miss, Ih Yoo Jhu has all of four other movies to her name, so at least she has the excuse of inexperience on her side for being in this movie.

As for Jack Forster, aka present day-shape shifting-old dude, that man has no excuse. Unless he's on his way out or something. I mean the guy had a key role in Jackie Brown for heaven's sake. He's a resume of decent acting a mile long. What the heck was he thinking.

[black wagner]

I fully expect, 100%, for this movie to be pure cr@p. However, I dont pay for movies and it has Dragons, so I will be seeing it.


Now, not directed to me, I will answer anyway, because its fun.

1. What did you think about Pirates of the Caribean?: LOVE the orginal. Good fun movie.

2. What did you think about Underworld? UGH, While I love Vampires & Werewolvs, this movie just didnt do anything for me. Trying to hard to appeal to the young gothicy crowd.

3. What did you think about Donnie Darko?: Terrific movie, loved it. Bought it.

4. What did you think about The Covenant? I was offended as a Wiccan this movie was made. Well ok, im not that uptight as a Wiccan, but as a movie viewer I was certinally offended.

5. What did you think about Pan's Labrinth?: a big fat 10. If one hasnt seen it, the must.