Looking for people to review my Homebrew

[Mordna]

As the title says, I'm looking for strangers to read the script for the first episode of the homebrew campaign I made. I just finished posting it on my trial website, and I would really really appreciate some feedback from folks who are more experienced at this stuff then me.

As mentioned, the webstie is still in trial mode, so there are a lot of placeholders and stuff. Just ignore that. Please read Episode 01: Lady Tymora's Gambit in The Adventure tab. I really really appreciate reviews, opinions and constructive criticism. Thank you for reading!

Here's the link: https://www.ladytymoraadventures.online/about/

[JNAProductions]

Having a little trouble accessing it... Ah, there we go!

Okay... It seems dull. Like... I'm okay with the pre-game having some stuff set in stone for the party, but overall, it's just kinda a dungeon with a little fluff behind it. That's not inherently bad, but it's not very interesting either.

No real comment on the meat of the adventure itself, but there's just nothing that draws me in.

[Sir Brett Nortj]

As the title says, I'm looking for strangers to read the script for the first episode of the homebrew campaign I made. I just finished posting it on my trial website, and I would really really appreciate some feedback from folks who are more experienced at this stuff then me.

As mentioned, the webstie is still in trial mode, so there are a lot of placeholders and stuff. Just ignore that. Please read Episode 01: Lady Tymora's Gambit in The Adventure tab. I really really appreciate reviews, opinions and constructive criticism. Thank you for reading!

Here's the link: https://www.ladytymoraadventures.online/about/

Your artistic skills are extremely potent, well done on that. Must distract your players? Your site is very well set up - yes, you could make money with 'subscribers!'

Personally I think you should play with different groups - this is to include new elements, as the themes, although rather diverse, seem to be in the same vein, okay? You slop so much into one scene that you will not have anything new the next time, so, rather than offer everything in one game, maybe you should use the core sets for a portion, a bit of ingenuity, and, I am not talking about puzzles, I mean like a real theme, where the whole game takes place in one setting, not all over the show. Trust mw you will run out of inspiration fast!

For example, you could have levels of a castle? This could be where there are similarly themed things under the same class, so you will have a new castle or setting for your new games - this is professionally speaking, if you want your games to be 'in the multitudes,' okay? Then, your site will be bigger! Admit it you think you are ready, and, that is why you put up a site, hey? This stands to reason you skimmed the best out of everything, while making for a lavish adventure, you have used all the good wood for your fire! You need some coal, some sticks, you need to add red herrings for content, so that you can confuse people, not everything needs to be used to the maximum. Like, having a few normal portraits on the wall, these could be a puzzle for the linage of the castle where they unravel a tapestry of previous owners. Then, a journal, coding in a bonus secret stash of keys, with a bonus door... an door forth? While not tied to the adventure directly, they could offer a good joke, or, a bit of glitter with some themed music of your favourite song on your radio while you play, letting them into your world, yes? This would be your reward, of course!

But, after two years of play, yes, you make very good adventures, and, yes, you have a good attitude! Just look around other sites to compare your deck to others, hell, especially play with other groups! This is like touring a new city, and, taking pictures for your almanac, one you live in!

[Mordna]

Having a little trouble accessing it... Ah, there we go!

Okay... It seems dull. Like... I'm okay with the pre-game having some stuff set in stone for the party, but overall, it's just kinda a dungeon with a little fluff behind it. That's not inherently bad, but it's not very interesting either.

No real comment on the meat of the adventure itself, but there's just nothing that draws me in.

That's fair enough, thank you for the feedback.

[Mordna]

First off, thank you so much for your input! I will humbly take the criticism and advice. I will address some of the points however, please do not take it as confrontational. I really do appreciate you took the time to read my stuff and write your opinion.


Your artistic skills are extremely potent, well done on that. Must distract your players?

Well thank you Sir!


Your site is very well set up - yes, you could make money with 'subscribers!'

I don't know what that means... And I am not looking to make money. LTA could not be possible without the help (or rather use of) other poeple's tools, tables, collections, homebrews, etc. I will always try to give credit where I can.


Personally I think you should play with different groups - this is to include new elements, as the themes, although rather diverse, seem to be in the same vein, okay?

I really wish I could. There is physically not enough time. I play a weekly session of 5e (have been for 2 years), a weekly of Strafinder (ok that's newer) and run this homebrew campaign of which you read the first part of. I used to go to a game shop to also play Pathfinder... but it was too much. I honestly wish I could cram in more tabletop rpg into my week and other groups... Maybe one day.


You slop so much into one scene that you will not have anything new the next time, so, rather than offer everything in one game, maybe you should use the core sets for a portion, a bit of ingenuity, and, I am not talking about puzzles, I mean like a real theme, where the whole game takes place in one setting, not all over the show. Trust mw you will run out of inspiration fast!

Yes, I did realize I want to cram as much in as I can. Guilty. However, I have not run out of ideas just yet! What you read is the first part of the campaign, let's call it the pilot episode. Since this one I have finished 4 other episodes and I'm in the middle of uploading them to my website. It's a bit time consuming, but I will let you know when Episode 2 is completely up there, if you care to read!


Admit it you think you are ready, and, that is why you put up a site, hey? This stands to reason you skimmed the best out of everything, while making for a lavish adventure, you have used all the good wood for your fire! You need some coal, some sticks, you need to add red herrings for content, so that you can confuse people, not everything needs to be used to the maximum. Like, having a few normal portraits on the wall, these could be a puzzle for the linage of the castle where they unravel a tapestry of previous owners. Then, a journal, coding in a bonus secret stash of keys, with a bonus door... an door forth? While not tied to the adventure directly, they could offer a good joke, or, a bit of glitter with some themed music of your favourite song on your radio while you play, letting them into your world, yes? This would be your reward, of course!

Ah you caught me! :smallredface::smallredface::smallredface::smallre dface: Yes I did think I have arrived to a place where the campaign is ready to be presented to people other then my players. As mentioned when I first made Lady Tymora's Gambit I thought I was making a one-shot. It was my first attempt at DMing aaaaand it quickly grew out of hand. When it was over and it definatley was NOT a one-shot, I immediatly started writing part 2. In Episode 2 the greater overarching sotries start to unfold, the major villain is revealed and many many seeds of foreshadowing are sown for future episodes. I do not have the complete script for all 16 episodes but I do for the first 6 and the main plot and twists for the rest. I have an ending in mind. And as I will continue to write the future episode I will introduce a lot more red herrings and foreshadowing and other 'good stuff'.

As opposed to have spent all my good wood for the fire, I think I have made an ok first attempt. I know it is flawed and I have learned a lot from it and implemented the things I have learned into the later episodes. The best is yet to come!




But, after two years of play, yes, you make very good adventures, and, yes, you have a good attitude! Just look around other sites to compare your deck to others, hell, especially play with other groups! This is like touring a new city, and, taking pictures for your almanac, one you live in!

Thank you, I am taking your advice. I am constatly looking at other people's creations and patiently learning from others. Places like this forum are an undtold treasure mine when it comes to inspiration and I can not express how greatful I am that there are wonderful people who freely share thier ideas openly.

[The Radish]

I like 3D dungeon that you built, and the props. I like the riddles, and the frog stage puzzle, too.

If your intention is for other people to play through the dungeon, you might consider re-keying the rooms. Right now, there's not much logic to the way that numbers are assigned to rooms. That'll make it hard on a DM whose players double back or take an unexpected path through the dungeon.

Speaking of unexpected paths, right now your map is pretty linear. There are four distinct parts to the dungeon (Rooms 14, 10, and 4; Rooms 3, 6, and 8; Rooms 13, 7, 12, 5 and 1; and finally Rooms 11, 2 and 9), and the players move through each part in order. You might want to offer some connections between some or all of those parts, to allow the PCs to move more freely through the dungeon. Right now if they need to back track (say to get Frog tokens back from Lucretia, or find additional Daynight tokens), they need to go the long way around.

Since your script does anticipate that the PCs may need to backtrack, it might be a good idea to include a wandering monster table, or some other resource so the DM can restock the rooms that the PCs have already beaten, so backtracking isn't totally boring.

I think this is really impressive for a new(-ish) DM, and, as another poster said, your craft, art and layout skills are excellent.