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View Full Version : "...so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm"



Snig
2018-10-24, 07:25 PM
Hey guys. Just finished up my new character and wanted to share him with you all.

I hope you him! Please feel free to give feedback.

https://cdna.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/011/499/584/large/even-amundsen-ac7bdebb-f317-455f-b15a-fe5d99338d9f.jpg?1529911117

CHARACTER NAME: Eddie Smoothhands
RACE: Halfling (Lightfoot)
CLASS: Bard
BACKGROUND: Charlatan

AGE: 32
HEIGHT: 3' 2"
WEIGHT: 43 lb

HAIR: Blonde
EYES: Blue
SKIN: Ruddy

ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral
DEITY: Tymora

PERSONALITY TRAITS
I’m a born gambler who can't resist taking a risk for a potential payoff.

Sarcasm and insults are my weapons of choice.

IDEALS
Creativity. I never run the same con twice. (Chaotic)

BONDS
I cheated the wrong person and now i'm constantly looking over my shoulder to ensure that this individual never crosses paths with me or those I care about.

FLAWS
I’m always in debt. I spend my ill-gotten gains on decedent luxuries faster then I bring them in.

CHARACTER BACKSTORY

Eddie grew up in a small Halfling village called Deephollow, west of Delvers Dale. A natural born scoundrel, trouble attracted Eddie, like a moth to a flame. In fact the only time Eddie wasn't up to no good, is when he was making music. Ever the ladies man, Eddie learned from a young age, that with just a few simple plucks on the lute strings, he could have the girls swooning, and he abused this knowledge to no end.

Eventually Deephollow became too small a village for a Halfling with a personality as big as Eddies, and so he set off into the wider world. He enrolled into the Bardic School of Lore in the rich and bustling town of Delvers Dale.

Things started off well, and Eddie was the pride of his professors, who all agreed that Eddie was somewhat of a prodigy, when it came to making music that stirred the soul. Alas, the lust for life kept calling, shouting at him to drink in all it had to offer. He wanted more, and the hum drum of his schoolwork began to wear on him. He needed to live life in the fast lane.

Eddie and his mates, began partying, and partying hard. Soon his parties were the talk of not only the campus, but through out Delvers Dale, and began to attract the attention of some unsavory individuals.

Drugs, booze and gambling became a common site at the parties. Illegal card games were being played behind closed doors as more and more of the towns underworld flocked to the scene. And behind it all was Eddie, in all his glory, loving life and indulging in it's decedent luxuries. Money wasn't an issue. The cover charge alone for a nights party, was more then he'd seen his entire life. Not to mention the occasional payout from a lucky night at the poker table, or the cash flow from his budding bootlegging venture.

Eddie was on a roll, he found a new love in gambling, and could usually be found, in the back room, surround by pipe smoke, engaged in a poker game with gangsters and ruffians. Over the next few years, Eddie left the college, fell madly in love with a Tiefling beauty by the name of Kali, and together they set up shop in Northern district of Delvers Dale, running a racketeering and bootlegging business out of the back of a nightclub. Things were good, and business was booming, but Eddies luck was about to run out.

It turns out Eddies luck at the poker table was owed in no small part to a deck of marked cards he was using. After losing a substantial amount of gold at Eddies table, a local gangster known as "Bricktop" became suspicious of the Halflings apparent "luck". He arranged to have one of his members, a young apprentice wizard, attend one of Eddies games, and secretly cast a scrying spell to catch the Halfling cheating them out of their gold. Halfway through the game, with Eddie up on chips, the doors to the backroom bust open and Bricktops men swarmed in. They cut down two of Eddies friends standing guard, and before he knew it, his world went dark as the sound of Kali's screams echoed in his head.

It was Kali's screams again that jolted him awake. He was tied to a support beam in the middle of a dark barn, the smell of pig **** filling his nostrils, and Bricktop grabbing him roughly by the face. In front of him was Kali, hanging by the wrists from a chain attached to the rafters. Bricktop informed Eddie that before they fed him to the pigs, he would be forced to watch Kali die a slow and painful death. He tried to look away, closed his eyes as tight as he could, screaming and begging for them to let her go. They responded by beating him to a pulp until he opened his eyes and watched......

Once they we're done with Kali they tossed her body the pig pen. Then they turned their efforts on Eddie. Beating him mercilessly for what seemed like an eternity, before throwing him into a dog pit with two vicious mastiffs, saying that "the dogs are hungry. The pigs can have the leftovers".

The two dogs set upon him one tearing at his face, the other grabbed him and began to tug and worry at his leg. Eddie was half dead, feeling like he was about to be ripped in two, when he caught his break. The two dogs began fight each other over their spoils and in a hopeless effort Eddie crawled to the edge of the pit, climbing out over the hay-bales. Laughing erupted from the men who were watching this pathetic escape attempt, and one of the henchmen casually moved in to intercept him. His smiling, laughing face turned to shock and confusion in an instant, as blood poured from his mouth and spurted from his neck in gushes. He fell back, pulling a six inch shard of bone from his jugular that Eddie had grabbed on his way out of the pit, and just stabbed him with.

As the laughter gave way to a stunned silence, Eddie wasted no time. He dug deep, finding that lust for life that had always driven him forward, once again and fled to the back of the barn, out the door and into the darkness, with the shouts of Bricktop, and the squeels of the pigs fading behind him.

Art credit: Even Amundsen

Kadesh
2018-10-25, 02:05 AM
Nice.

This isn't the place for that though. Try reddit?

Snig
2018-10-25, 05:04 AM
Nice.

This isn't the place for that though. Try reddit?

I've posted characters backstories just like this before and it's always been well received. First time I've heard that opinion. If that's the case I'll not do it again, but perhaps you can explain why this is not the place? It is a roleplaying game is it not?

LudicSavant
2018-10-25, 05:10 AM
I've posted characters backstories just like this before and it's always been well received. First time I've heard that opinion. If that's the case I'll not do it again, but perhaps you can explain why this is not the place? It is a roleplaying game is it not?

You're not in the wrong place. Feel free to continue posting your characters. :haley:

Snig
2018-10-25, 05:21 AM
You're not in the wrong place. Feel free to continue posting your characters. :haley:
❤️ Thank you

Kadesh
2018-10-25, 05:27 AM
What is it you want to discuss or feedback?

Snig
2018-10-25, 05:56 AM
What is it you want to discuss or feedback?
Just his backstory really. Shared it for critique.

Kadesh
2018-10-25, 07:18 AM
Generic gambler loses loved one. With the greatest respect, what is there to feedback?

dmteeter
2018-10-25, 07:28 AM
Generic gambler loses loved one. With the greatest respect, what is there to feedback?

Some of us here on the forum enjoy reading about and talking about our characters.

Not everyone here is just looking for the next coffeelock or pun pun to break the game we enjoy.

If you don't like the thread move along

Spore
2018-10-25, 07:42 AM
From a writer's standpoint you did many things right and the backstory clicks and makes sense. From a standpoint of someone who enjoy creative and new interesting stories, this is utterly boring.

I am really sorry but it is the usual morale of "gambling is bad" and the setup for a character that has to work his ways up again from the gutters. The usual spiel with the gambling and the girl included. Also you do nothing to attract pity or sympathy for the character of Eddy, he just IS for the lack of a better word.

He IS a gambler, he IS a trouble maker. Why did he become this way? Why did he get into gambling? He could be a spoiled rich kid that drowns emotional neglegience in alcohol and games. He could be a poor street rat that wound up tricking people out of a few pennies just to survive. At least I have no emotional connection to Eddy, making the following story moot and boring. Why should I care about him loosing his love? Why should I care he is bullied and almost eaten alive by dogs, for the world would loose Eddy - and not some faceless (pun partially intended) halfling. Don't get me wrong, essentially murdering someone by trapping them with rabid dogs is terrifying but the fact that we don't know ANYTHING about Eddy's emotions, or goals makes it so much less interesting.

Writing prowess: good.
Emotional attachment to the story and characters: ....meh.

Snig
2018-10-25, 08:06 AM
From a writer's standpoint you did many things right and the backstory clicks and makes sense. From a standpoint of someone who enjoy creative and new interesting stories, this is utterly boring.

I am really sorry but it is the usual morale of "gambling is bad" and the setup for a character that has to work his ways up again from the gutters. The usual spiel with the gambling and the girl included. Also you do nothing to attract pity or sympathy for the character of Eddy, he just IS for the lack of a better word.

He IS a gambler, he IS a trouble maker. Why did he become this way? Why did he get into gambling? He could be a spoiled rich kid that drowns emotional neglegience in alcohol and games. He could be a poor street rat that wound up tricking people out of a few pennies just to survive. At least I have no emotional connection to Eddy, making the following story moot and boring. Why should I care about him loosing his love? Why should I care he is bullied and almost eaten alive by dogs, for the world would loose Eddy - and not some faceless (pun partially intended) halfling. Don't get me wrong, essentially murdering someone by trapping them with rabid dogs is terrifying but the fact that we don't know ANYTHING about Eddy's emotions, or goals makes it so much less interesting.

Writing prowess: good.
Emotional attachment to the story and characters: ....meh.

Thank you Sporeegg, this is exactly the type of feedback I need to get better.

To address the point about sympathy or pity, I didn't make an attempt at it. I saw Eddie as more of a coward. He's not a hero, he's not a good guy. As you said, he simply is Eddie. I took a little inspiration from Johnny Depps character in blow, the movie "Killing them Softly" and of course "Snatch".

This may be where I lost it. Maybe I needed to make more of an emotional connection to Eddie, but I just felt he was the type of character that was easy to hate, yet full of charisma.

Anyhow I appreciate you're feedback, and I think I'll take a closer look at things I may want to add / change.

This if the initial draft, and it felt a little rushed near the end.

Snig
2018-10-25, 09:56 AM
From a writer's standpoint you did many things right and the backstory clicks and makes sense. From a standpoint of someone who enjoy creative and new interesting stories, this is utterly boring.

He IS a gambler, he IS a trouble maker. Why did he become this way? Why did he get into gambling? He could be a spoiled rich kid that drowns emotional neglegience in alcohol and games. He could be a poor street rat that wound up tricking people out of a few pennies just to survive. At least I have no emotional connection to Eddy, making the following story moot and boring. Why should I care about him loosing his love? Why should I care he is bullied and almost eaten alive by dogs, for the world would loose Eddy - and not some faceless (pun partially intended) halfling. Don't get me wrong, essentially murdering someone by trapping them with rabid dogs is terrifying but the fact that we don't know ANYTHING about Eddy's emotions, or goals makes it so much less interesting.

Writing prowess: good.
Emotional attachment to the story and characters: ....meh.

I reread your critique while attempting to figure out where I may have gone wrong. I think the disconnect between you and Eddie may come from the fact that Eddie is not a typical hero type character maybe you're used too?

He IS a gambler, because he has a lust for the the carnal pleasures in life. Gambling gives him the same thrill that most addicts get when indulging in their drug of choice. He enjoys the gold that comes with winning, so he can indulge himself further with these carnal pleasures, whether it be, booze, drugs, women and just an all around life of excess.

Don't try to pity him, don't feel bad for him. He's probably not worth it. Leave that to the barmaids and wenches hes charmed with his silver tongue and smooth hands. The rest of the world WOULD probably be better off without him.

Keravath
2018-10-25, 10:16 AM
I reread your critique while attempting to figure out where I may have gone wrong. I think the disconnect between you and Eddie may come from the fact that Eddie is not a typical hero type character maybe you're used too?

He IS a gambler, because he has a lust for the the carnal pleasures in life. Gambling gives him the same thrill that most addicts get when indulging in their drug of choice. He enjoys the gold that comes with winning, so he can indulge himself further with these carnal pleasures, whether it be, booze, drugs, women and just an all around life of excess.

Don't try to pity him, don't feel bad for him. He's probably not worth it. Leave that to the barmaids and wenches hes charmed with his silver tongue and smooth hands. The rest of the world WOULD probably be better off without him.

I'm not commenting on your background per se ... I think it is good if a bit cliched ... I often write the same sorts of backgrounds.

However, it seems to me that there are some logical inconsistencies.

Your emphasis of a character who is selfish, enjoys the carnal pleasures of life, gambling, women, alcohol ... doesn't seem quite compatible with "fell madly in love with a Tiefling beauty by the name of Kali". It is possible but doesn't seem likely. Does the character even know what love is? If he really loved her that much would he still take the risk of cheating a bunch of gangsters repeatedly at cards in a fixed establishment? This also makes no sense to me ... if you are going to run a crooked game you need to be mobile because eventually people will notice that you win more than you should and you need to leave before this happens. Running a racketeering and bootlegging business makes sense ... cheating the folks you supposedly work with at cards just for some extra pocket change even for a risk taking halfing doesn't (at least to me) .. especially one that would appear to have settled down (unless of course he didn't actually care about Kali at all ...) ... in which case he was just being stupid which might be in character. (You mentioned that he can't resist taking a risk for a potential payoff ... I'd suggest that for a successful criminal running a racketeering and bootlegging business ... cheating the local gangsters in your own establishment has essentially NO potential payoff ... it isn't a risk he would even bother considering).

Anyway, I think the character works but the backstory itself doesn't hang together very well with the character as described.

Snig
2018-10-25, 10:50 AM
I'm not commenting on your background per se ... I think it is good if a bit cliched ... I often write the same sorts of backgrounds.

However, it seems to me that there are some logical inconsistencies.

Your emphasis of a character who is selfish, enjoys the carnal pleasures of life, gambling, women, alcohol ... doesn't seem quite compatible with "fell madly in love with a Tiefling beauty by the name of Kali". It is possible but doesn't seem likely. Does the character even know what love is? If he really loved her that much would he still take the risk of cheating a bunch of gangsters repeatedly at cards in a fixed establishment? This also makes no sense to me ... if you are going to run a crooked game you need to be mobile because eventually people will notice that you win more than you should and you need to leave before this happens. Running a racketeering and bootlegging business makes sense ... cheating the folks you supposedly work with at cards just for some extra pocket change even for a risk taking halfing doesn't (at least to me) .. especially one that would appear to have settled down (unless of course he didn't actually care about Kali at all ...) ... in which case he was just being stupid which might be in character. (You mentioned that he can't resist taking a risk for a potential payoff ... I'd suggest that for a successful criminal running a racketeering and bootlegging business ... cheating the local gangsters in your own establishment has essentially NO potential payoff ... it isn't a risk he would even bother considering).

Anyway, I think the character works but the backstory itself doesn't hang together very well with the character as described.

I see Kali as just another carnal pleasure who was just as wild as he was. Sort of like Penelope Cruz's character in Blow. I don't see any reason why he couldn't fall head over heels for a beautiful woman.

I agree with the rest of your post. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I thought about switching it to him getting in debt and set up a scam where he actually rob's one of his own high stakes games (hires some thugs) and things go south and he gets implemented in the robbery.

Kali was the only woman he's truly loved, and her death will leave him full of guilt and regret for the rest of his life. Will he repent and change his ways? Or down his sorrow in booze, women and other distractions, leading him down a path of self destruction? I don't know. I'll have to play him to see what path he will take.

Now that I think about it. Eddie has a lot of parallels with Johnny Cash!