one of my players hates puns

[Torpin]

I am worried he might strain a muscle with how hard he rolls his eyes, well not so much worried and id like to cause this injury. so far i got him to get up from the table once and step outside when the party fought a bardbarian, and i got him to hit his face on the table when they came across the ranger aethan hawk. what are some other bad puns i could use.

[AmeVulpes]

I am worried he might strain a muscle with how hard he rolls his eyes, well not so much worried and id like to cause this injury. so far i got him to get up from the table once and step outside when the party fought a bardbarian, and i got him to hit his face on the table when they came across the ranger aethan hawk. what are some other bad puns i could use.

A gnome's favored class is Bard.

A friend of mine DMs sometimes, and he has a Gnome Bard, which nobody questioned at first, and his name is Oneshoe Twonix. None of that is really important, but in the end he ended up being a BBEG traitor.

Anyway, when Oneshoe revealed himself, he told the party that, "I guess you bardly gnome me." I physically recoiled.

[Hackulator]

I am worried he might strain a muscle with how hard he rolls his eyes, well not so much worried and id like to cause this injury. so far i got him to get up from the table once and step outside when the party fought a bardbarian, and i got him to hit his face on the table when they came across the ranger aethan hawk. what are some other bad puns i could use.

I played a Bardbarian once! He was a half-orc Barbarian who thought the fact that he beat people to death with a reinforced cello made him a Bard.

[Torpin]

I played a Bardbarian once! He was a half-orc Barbarian who thought the fact that he beat people to death with a reinforced cello made him a Bard.

did he ever beat anyone like a drum?

[unseenmage]

Do you want specifically puns,

Mom: You've got some freaky DNA, and I want to see what's in your genes.
Son: [Snickers]
Mom: Genes with a "G"! [smacks son]
Son: Ow!
Mom: Now, that's a pun.

Or will a play on words suffice?

Mom: Our experiments would be illegal on Earth, but up here, I'm above the law. Hahah!
Larry: Nice pun, mother.
Mom: It's not a pun, it's a play on words!


Saw this one in a signature here on the forums and I love it...
"The gnomes once had many mines but now they have gnome ore."
Pleases me greatly every single time I use it.

Minotaurs are a fantastic source of food and animal puns. To pun is bovine after all. Our GM has sworn off their use forever due to his beef with them.

As are Rakshasa for cat puns. You can litter your game with them if you like.

[Thurbane]

Comedy Monster Stat Blocks (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?569612) has a couple, most notably a true Bug Bear and BoJack Horseman...

[Deophaun]

Wondering how you can fit in a starship crewed by kobolds that koboldly go where no one has gone before.

[unseenmage]

Wondering how you can fit in a starship crewed by kobolds that koboldly go where no one has gone before.

Name a traditional sailing vessel the Star Trek of course.

[Torpin]

Name a traditional sailing vessel the Star Trek of course.

we recently ended a swse and the ship we had there was the bimonthly pigeon

[Saintheart]

I'd say it's time for the gnome bard to name his musical instrument Reason and start saying after every blood-soaked encounter: "I told you they'd listen to reason!"

Monster Manual 3, the Nycter. Give one a level in Knight and you have a guy who can literally flap around screaming that he is the Knight, he is (a) Bat-Man.

"Which came first, the Cockatrice or the egg?"

Throw a Silence effect on a treant and then kill it. Then speculate on how one of the great philosophical questions in the universe has been answered.

Oh, oh, oh: throw a roc at them. "Awesome!" screams the bard. "I get to play roc and roll!"

[fireborn6074]

listen, don't worry about it. in the campaign i am DMing, these are the worlds issues.
one player wields a 5-foot dildo greatsword.
Phil Swift is hunting the party and uses sovereign glue to play minor pranks on them
Shaggy has ascended to deity status
the party potion maker worships his own swollness
the party swashbuckler contracted alcoholism on the first session
the party plans to **** every enemy into submission what is this, CoC?
and all of us are veteran players...

[AmeVulpes]

Oh, oh, oh: throw a roc at them. "Awesome!" screams the bard. "I get to play roc and roll!"

This reminds me that one of my players likes to be extremely crass any time he suspects someone of being a succubus. His favorite is, "Well, she can succ my bus," sometimes followed by, "Oh, wait, I'm playing a chick, right."

Around centaurs, nightmares, pegasi, unicorns, etc, all instances of "no" are replaced by "neigh," and the occasional "my mane man."

"Satyrs are ba-a-ad news."

All of these are generally followed by me, out of character, saying, "I [expletive] hate you."

[Deophaun]

A nefarious duo of assassins is the unlikely pairing of a halfling and a gnoll. Their method is simple. They lie along roadsides, waiting for their quarry. The gnoll, with max-ranks in hide, wears a ghillie suit, while the gnome takes up position with a crossbow behind him, using his accomplice for cover.

The fatal shot always comes from behind the grassy gnoll.

[AmeVulpes]

A nefarious duo of assassins is the unlikely pairing of a halfling and a gnoll. Their method is simple. They lie along roadsides, waiting for their quarry. The gnoll, with max-ranks in hide, wears a ghillie suit, while the gnome takes up position with a crossbow behind him, using his accomplice for cover.

The fatal shot always comes from behind the grassy gnoll.

The halfling must be very stealthy, I can't even see his role in this ambush!

[Saintheart]

Let the party come across a dragon with its wings and two of its back legs broken.

Think about it.

[Deophaun]

Let the party come across a dragon with its wings and two of its back legs broken.

Think about it.
And that was after a fight with the missus, who took the lair, half its horde, and stuck it in an AMF. So, now it's also gotta take what's left to a new lair. In a cart. Giving you a dragon draggin' a wagon.

[PoeticallyPsyco]

The best part of puns is responding to people's reactions. "I take it you got the PUNchline." "Please don't PUNch me". "I guess that one was pretty weak. You might say it was so week it was a month."


Moving on to the less meta puns:

When fighting shrieking violets, phantom fungus, or any other mushroom type monster "What do you call a mushroom with a lot of candy? A fun guy to be around!"

Dealing with plant creatures, preferably social ones, "Why did the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe (can't elope)."

Uh... Yeah that's all I got for now.

[Deophaun]

Don John was the Captain of the Guard, charged with capturing the notorious Phantom Thief who, it was said, could steal anything from anyone at any time in any circumstance. Well, after one very long night they caught their man and locked him up in the darkest, dankest oubliette in the kingdom. After celebrating their victory until the break of dawn and knowing he would not cut the finest example for the Guard walking the streets in his current state, Don John retired to his office for much needed rest.

It didn't last long, as an alarm soon came from within the prison. Don Jon awoke, to find himself completely naked, his clothes nowhere to be found. He grabbed the sparse rug in his office, wrapped it around his waste, and rushed to the sound of the commotion, which increasingly seemed to come from the oubliette. He had to push his way through his men, who were all dumbfounded to find the cell empty, save for Don John's underwear.

Furious, Don John scolded his men for allowing their prisoner to escape and ordered them all to raid every safe house, poorhouse, coffee house, townhouse, and house in the city. And he would join them, right after he had on some decent clothes.

And so Don John donned his long johns in the dungeon while in high dudgeon.

[Mordaedil]

A gnome's favored class is Bard.

A friend of mine DMs sometimes, and he has a Gnome Bard, which nobody questioned at first, and his name is Oneshoe Twonix. None of that is really important, but in the end he ended up being a BBEG traitor.

Anyway, when Oneshoe revealed himself, he told the party that, "I guess you bardly gnome me." I physically recoiled.

Once our DM introduced a gnome to our party as a helper character, things suddenly got real weird. We started imagining him starring in a sit-com where the catchphrase was "oh, gnome."

Cue various enlongated calls of "ooooh gnooome" at the table, like when he died, when he got caught sneaking into the enemy camps or when he missed an attack.

Our DM eventually needed a 10 minute timeout to not die from laughing.

[OracleofWuffing]

Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?58382-Needed-Bad-Jokes&p=3274968&viewfull=1#post3274968). And, well, I guess some other stuff in that thread, too.

[skunk3]

I generally groan whenever I hear puns IRL. I'd say that I find less than 10% of all puns I come across actually clever/funny. Mostly they just seem lame.

[AmeVulpes]

I generally groan whenever I hear puns IRL. I'd say that I find less than 10% of all puns I come across actually clever/funny. Mostly they just seem lame.

That's generally the point, I think. Definitely in this thread.

[Malphegor]

They're largely situational, and it's hard to plan for them. However, here's a few of Malphegor's Malicious Mangles!

<Some Vrocks appear, we succeed on knowledge checks>
"ARE YOU READY TO VROCK!"

<The druid has summoned a owl, whilst we sort of panic>
"I guess you could say that you give a hoot, whilst we mess aboot!" (said in a scottish accent)

<A zombie chicken has been set on fire. In a pile of grease. It dies, and we're looting it.>
"I say, I say, this here chicken is finger lickin' evil!" (this was like the second session. I think the DM should have booted me for that foghorn leghorn idiocy on my second time every playing D&D in my entire life.)

<The team has all largely gone to places of dubiously priced affection, leaving my character alone in the magic-user's quarter of the city.>
"I'm going to buy a scroll of Evard's Black Tentacles." I declare, unthinking considering what everyone else is doing at that point.


<Being a tiefling bard at any point ever.>
"Misc Horn puns!"

<Being any race with a tail and a tendency to tell long stories>
"Why, I'll tell you a tale, about my tail, a tale of a time on the trail, about that time which I paid a tall toll and went through an arduous trial, yes this is what I'll tell a tale to you."
(that's more aliteration but meh, still cringeworthy)

<Being a dragon or near a dragon>
"This fight is dragon on, can we finish this up quick?"

<Necromancers. Being one or near one>
"I'm dying to get this spell done."
"You know, I'm dead serious about this."
"I'm actually just really into necks. Love to lick them, touch them, look at them. See, I'm a neck-romancer."
"I'm a wight supremacist really." (This is part of why I can never play a 'evil' necromancer for long, I either become the big bad or get really stupid with the puns)