Drow Bard jokes and songs

[AmeVulpes]

Building a very not-optimized character. A Lolth-Touched Drow Divine Bard, female, nearing the end of her natural years and considering going into Lichdom when the time comes. As you could probably guess by the template, she's not a rebel or anything, she's a Chaotic Evil Lolth-lover.

Her three performance skills are (Singer), (Lyrist), and (Comedienne (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/comedienne)). Linked for rare word.

Basically, I'm just looking for stock jokes/comedy routines, and songs compatible with a Lyre. Singer is a backup, in case she loses her Lyre, for some reason can't use Summon Instrument, and is dealing with the odd race who won't get her jokes. Vocal-only songs are, all the same, acceptable.

They should have some thematic match or general appropriateness to the type of Bardic Music.

Oh, and for songs, they don't have to have existed at the time, but something that could conceivably have existed in the Renaissance period or earlier would be preferable for my table.

TL;DR: I don't like saying, "I do Fascinate."

EDIT: I just realized that this thread is only barely 3.5e-specific, whoops. Hopefully linking the routines to a specific type of song is enough to forgive me on that one, ahah :smallbiggrin:


Her preferred weapons are the Rapier and Hand Crossbow. Poison optional.
Wears a chain shirt under noble clothes when expecting trouble. During down-time, she strips down to a bra, panties, and stockings (to hide a nasty scar) as is Drow tradition. Holy Symbol of Lolth is worn openly.
Snow white hair, rather average skin tone for a Drow.
On the tall and skinny end for a Drow, 5'2" and 90lbs.
High skills include Bluff, Diplomacy, Escape Artist, Gather Information, Hide, Move Silently, Perform (Obviously), Perform (Obviously), Perform (Obviously), and Profession (Proselytizer of Lolth).
She enjoys making jokes at other houses' expense.
She rides a warpony.
Name is Imna Zileeloth (meant to be read as, roughly, "Distant scout of Lolth's music")
Leadership granted by position in her House. Drow-only followers, but more than enough of them for choirs and such.



General: Assorted ethnic jokes against surface elves (and halflings).
A high elf walks into a bar. A sober elf ducks under it.
How many [surface] elves does it take to refill a lantern? One, and a drow to crack the whip.
Why are high elves such terrible cavalry? They just sit there on their high horses.
What did the [surface] elf say to the Drow? "Hey, wh- schlk."
Why shouldn't you hang a halfling? They're too light. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0165.html)
(way too tired to come up with any more right now)

Fascinate: The Aristocrats, dead (elf) baby jokes.

[Bartmanhomer]

Since you're making a Drow Bard. You should make evil jokes and songs. Not for the faint of heart. :cool:

[Saintheart]

"So one day some paladin reels in a fellow who he'd caught cooking penguins. Out of sheer outrage, the paladin asks 'what kind of a person cooks a penguin?'"
"Same kind that spitroasts dolphins," says the fellow.

[Troacctid]

Ethnic jokes (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke#Joke_cycles) about surface elves.

[AmeVulpes]

Ethnic jokes (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke#Joke_cycles) about surface elves.

One thing led to another and I stumbled upon a link to the Aristocrats joke. Definitely going to spend hours writing various forms of said joke about surface elves and enemy Drow houses. What should the Aristocrats match with? Fascinate? I can see that working in the sense of morbid curiosity what the possible punchline could be (and then talking to one another about how terrible and offensive it was at the end).

Maybe also some dead elf-baby jokes. My players get incredibly dark, so they have no room to complain:smallyuk:.

Ethnic jokes in general, also good*.

*in the context of this thread

[Troacctid]

Fascinate can be any long-form joke. I personally like feghoots (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feghoot). You tell a long rambling story with lots of twists and turns, and finally end with something like "...and the moral of the story is, only yew can prevent florist friars," or "...and she learned a valuable lesson: when Lief gives you lame ones, make Clem an aide."

Inspire Competence: Q: How many summoned demons does it take to murder a party member who has failed me? A: Pass your skill check and we won't have to find out.

If you have Inspire Awe instead of Inspire Courage (which I usually recommend for a character with this kind of theme), you can repurpose a Chuck Norris joke to be about Lolth.

[unseenmage]

...

If you have Inspire Awe instead of Inspire Courage (which I usually recommend for a character with this kind of theme), you can repurpose a Chuck Norris joke to be about Lolth.
Underneath Lolth's beard there is only another fist.


More seriously, there's at least one song from the Family Guy (https://youtu.be/xgQ8BJdkN5U) that could fairly easily be repurposed.
Especially if you take Leadership to give yourself a chorus.

Alternatively, the game Cards Against Humanity could act a a more randomized source of inspiration. Take thematically appropriate cards, shuffle up, then draw and combine as needed.

[AmeVulpes]

Especially if you take Leadership to give yourself a chorus.

Drow of the Underdark expands on the affiliation system from PHB2, and Drow can get Leadership as a membership bonus feat for being sufficiently ranked in a house. This bard is just old enough to qualify for it, since she is a Divine Bard (UA). :smallbiggrin:

Downside is, sacrifice 10% of loot, as well as loot-and-sell profits, and you can't turn down quests given by the house. They're also 100% drow and can't be replaced at her current rank, but that's whatever.

Also, totally going to play some solitaire CaH. :smallwink: Thanks for the suggestion.

[ezekielraiden]

This may not be exactly what you were thinking of, but...

"If you've ever realized halfway through beating a male, that he was actually right, but decide to finish beating him anyway to teach him respect, you might be a webneck."

[AmeVulpes]

This may not be exactly what you were thinking of, but...

"If you've ever realized halfway through beating a male, that he was actually right, but decide to finish beating him anyway to teach him respect, you might be a webneck."

Ah, sexist jokes, excellent. I suppose I can also mock my slaves.
To clarify, that was a bit of a tangent from a monologue in my mind. The proper response follows:
That started out really strong, I just don't think I like the punchline. Will repurpose.

Unrelated, I found this picture on JoshuaD's bard handbook (https://www.joshuad.net/new-bard-handbook/), which I actually had not read prior to making this character or this post. I don't really use handbooks. This is the first time I've ever seen a Drow Bard pictured.
https://www.joshuad.net/new-bard-handbook-files/imgs/drow-two.jpg
A scantilly-clad Drow with white hair, playing what my uncultured brain is seeing as a strange Lyre. I was actually thinking of a lap-harp from my childhood, but a lyre was the closest thing I could find until earlier today. How coincidental, all the same. :smallconfused:

[Wraith]

I've played an Evil-aligned Bard before, and I found out that there's a particularly strange sub-genre of "Evil Folk Songs" on youtube - that is, songs with dark and/or morbid humour as their subject.
I don't remember any that would not be appropriate for a Drow to sing in context, if you felt like regaling your party - I would declare that I was using bard song and then play one of the songs as quiet background music for the rest of the round from my 'phone. :smalltongue:

Poisoning Pigeons in the Park - Thomas Benjamine Wild Esq. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFKSlYQM0E4)

When You're Evil - Voltaire (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWYCS6k1IOA)

Pretty much anything by Stephen Lynch would work (though is considerably more NSFW), a few by British Comedian Bill Bailey, there's the TV Tropes page on Black Comedy/Music (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/BlackComedy/Music)... All depending on the taste of your group of course.

[Malphegor]

One of the less obviously current day Dr Steel songs could work. "We decide" referring to the secret cabals that control the world in secret secretly, which probably appeals to a Drow who's used to houses plotting and scheming.

Ooh, one of my favourite jokes!

There was once a drow, a surface elf, and an ilithid, who had a tenuous alliance against a greater threat.
In their travels, they found a magic lamp, in which contained a noble djinn, who claimed to be able to grant each of them 3 wishes.

The ilithid requested to be able to be more intelligent, and his psionics to be more effective, as well as being able to be forgotten by those it desired to forget its presence at will.

The drow asked for blackmail material against her mother, a bow that will make any arrow she fires strike true, and a sample of black lotus extract.

The surface elf asked for a flower made of crystal, a letter be sent to her mother, and would have wished for something else except the drow shot her in the mouth.


(Ilithid versions of this joke include the following line: "And then, forgotten by all, the ilithid crept up behind the drow, and ate her brain")