Into Out of the Abyss (by Ivor and Brazenburn)

[Ivor_The_Mad]

Woohoo. Just started OotA. A very fun dungeon that I would recommend if you have not played it yet.
Our characters turned out quite well. We have:
Beefcake: A Minotaur bard who moos soulfully to the sound of his Croak Box. Not too bardy yet but he did rip someone's arm off.
Fivin: My character. A (refluffed) Simic hybrid ranger who was cursed by Demogorgon and had a pair of tentacles along with his arms. He likes to strangle his prey.
Ea: A charlatan of a tiefling shadow sorcerer. Loves to start fights between other people. She was also prophesized to do great evil things with he powers.
Ulffgar: the classic Dwarven barbarian. Always says everything in a loud voice. Not much else needs to be said.
Umamoum: pronounced (A-moo-moo-moo) he is a human war cleric. Not too sure about him yet. I need more time to accurately gauge his personality.
Brazenburn: The DM.
We were not sure if people read these so please give feedback. Thanks
A new addition to the party:
Sarithell: an idiot high elf rogue who is really good at sneaking but has no common sense.

[Gaius Hermicus]

Hi there guys,

I am Brazenburn, just using a new account now. Sorry our last campaign (Storm King's Thunder) not finishing, I missed a bunch of sessions at which nothing happened, and then we decided to cut the campaign short so we could start Out of the Abyss. Here is the beginning of the campaign.

Captured by the drow! You wouldn’t wish this fate upon anybody, yet here you are, bDfnwij fwibrgirebirbgiufreerugreuerhfrhiuewfiufwrbebreubr qqnr bureeioGI J[OJBIRJE.

Sorry, I got bored of typing that idiotic box text and slammed my head on the keyboard a few times. I’m going to assume you have some idea of the plot. Basically the party was trapped in a slave pen, owned by the drow in the Underdark. There’s a lot of other NPCs in there, who I am not going to bother describing because there is a lot of them. Each of the players has one object (except Beefcake, who has nothing): Amoumamoum has 5 feet of silk rope, Fivin has a pet spider, and Ulfgar and Ea have carnelian gemstones with large cracks in them.

Ea begins by trying to size up the other slaves. One of her personality traits is that she always has to mock authority and is a compulsive liar. She goes up to a nasty-looking orc and says, “Hi! Would you like to buy a gemstone? It’s a ruby, probably worth a hundred gold or so…” Rolls Deception, gets an 8. The orc punches her across the face, dealing four damage.
Orc: Leave Ront alone!

Ea goes away and talks to a dwarf squinting at everybody suspiciously.
Ea: Hey, did you know that the orc over there has a tattoo on his neck? Yeah, it is a mark from one of the orc tribes, that says that they were a genocider of dwarves. Rolls Deception, gets a 16.
Eldeth (the dwarf): Really? Goes over and looks. Ront notices and tries to punch her, but Eldeth judo-flips him, causing him to slink away and lick his wounds.

Eldeth: Corrupt dark-dwellers. Stay away from me, demon spawn!

It is at this point that Beefcake goes up to Ront and says: Hey. Sup. Rolls a Charisma check to befriend the orc, gets a natural twenty.

Ront: Hey, friend. Sup.
Beefcake: So what is there to do around here?
Ront: We could bully somebody to give us food.
Beefcake: Um, I think I’ll pass on that. So how can we escape from here?

Ront goes into some background plot about the drow outpost and the soap opera going on in it, which I will skip because I am too lazy to type it all out.

Meanwhile, Fivin and Ea go to talk to a drow sulking in the corner.

Ea (sitting down next to the drow): Hi, friend. Want to buy a gemstone?
Me: The drow ignores you.
Fivin (lightly tapping the drow on the shoulder): So how’d you get in here?
Me: The drow completely ignores you.
Ea and Fivin shake the drow until he falls off the stool. It still ignores them.
Somebody with a Texan accent: Ah wooden’t tahk tah Sarith if ah wur you.
Fivin (turning around to face the Texan): Why not?
The Texan derro: He doesn’t tahk tah anybahdy hahdly aht ahll. See, Sarith had ah bad tahm when he was workin’ with the other drahw ‘round heah.
A smiling deep gnome: Yeah, he was on a mission somewhere when he pushed one of the drow warriors into a black pudding. The priestess's favorite consort, actually.
The Texan derro: The pour gah escaped, but he's uhgly ahs sahn…
Deep gnome: And he can’t swing a sword any more… in both senses of the term. (Wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean know what I mean?)
Texan derro: So nahw ahll the drahw hate Sarith, and they lahked him ahp in here tah be sold as a slahve, lahk the rest of us.
Ea: That’s sad. So he’s all traumatized, or something?
Deep gnome: I guess so. But if you want to talk to him, you could ask the mushroom. His name is Stool. He is telepathic.

More to come later. As Ivor said above, we'd really appreciate some feedback, since I don't know if anybody really follows this.

[Gaius Hermicus]

Session One, Part Two:

Ea and Fivin went to talk to Stool, the magic mushroom. Simultaneously, Jimjar somehow frees himself from his chains and goes over to the cave entrance.

Me: As you approach the mushroom, Sarith raises his head and looks at you with surprise, then sinks back into his former, unresponsive position.
Me: Then Stool moves slightly, releasing a cloud of spores, which float toward you. Breathing in some of these spores, you suddenly hear a small, childlike voice in your head.
Stool’s Telepathic Voice: Hi. Are you friends?
Fivin: Um… sure, we’ll be your friends. How’d you get in here?
Stool: I was from Neverlight Grove, and I…
Sarith (sitting bolt upright): Did you say Neverlight Grove?
Ea: Um, yeah, that’s what he said…
Sarith: That’s where I was… when it happened… a black pudding… I don’t know what came over me…
Stool: So, I came from Neverlight Grove, and then I was captured by a party of drow. I was with my brother, Rumpadump, and the drow put us in cages, to sell as slavery, but then Sarith freaked out and started attacking everybody. He shoved that leader drow-
Sarith: Jorlan.
Stool: Jorlan, the leader drow, into a pit where we myconids kept a black pudding ooze, as garbage disposal, and well-
Buppido: You know the rest.
Amoumamoum (drifting over to join the conversation): So how about we break the hell out of this place?
Buppido: Good idea.

Jimjar, who is free of his chains, is over next to the entrance to the cave, rattling the bars. A drow guard came over to see what was going on.

Drow guard: What is it this time, Jimjar?
Jimjar: Hey, Jevan. I’ll bet you 10 gp that you can’t hit that spider over there with your crossbow.
Jevan: Shut up, Jimjar. How did you get out of your chains, anyway?
Jimjar: Oh, they were chafing, so I took them off.
Beefcake: Can you take mine off, too? They itch like hell.
Jevan: Shut up, minotaur. Or it’ll be steak on the menu tonight.
Ulfgar: Mmm, steak…
Fivin: Ooh, can I help make it? I think I’ll roast it, and serve over a bed of bluebread, maybe with a nice white wine…
Jevan (increasingly irritated): Shut up, all of you! Unless you want calamari on our tables. He shoots a threatening look at Fivin, who happens to have a pair of octopus tentacles sticking out of his back.
Fivin (completely oblivious): Mmm, sounds good. You know, calamari is really good if you braise is with a fire lichen sauce. Beefcake has the audacity to laugh, Jevan loses his cool completely.
Jevan: All right, not another word from any of you, or you’ll get extra shifts of work for the next two weeks!
Beefcake: Make me.
Jevan charges at Beefcake and rolls an attack check. It hits, and he sliced off one of Beefcake’s nipples with his dagger.
Beefcake (more annoyed than hurt): Ow! I liked that nipple!

He makes an attack against Jevan, rolls a natural twenty. Beefcake rips the guard’s arm out of its socket. Jevan screams in agony and tries to crawl away, the guards in the guard tower fire at Beefcake. One of them rolls a nat 1, accidentally shooting Jevan in the back of the head and killing him. The other bolt hits Beefcake, knocking him unconscious from the drow poison. Three more guards charge down the walkways, drawing their weapons as they come. Amoumamoum hides near one corner, Fivin the other. The guards charge in, shouting for the prisoners to stand down immediately. Fivin and Amoumamoum both try to sneak attack them: Fivin wraps his tentacles around one of their necks and strangling him. Amoumamoum tries to do the same with his rope, but the drow ducks under it, only to be shanked in the back by a gleeful Buppido, who snatched up Jevan’s dagger. Fivin finishes off his drow, and Ulfgar uses Jevan’s sword to finish off the one Buppido stabbed. The remaining drow slashes out at Ront, who ran at him with a rock, but misses and is killed by Ulfgar and Ront. All the slaves run out of the cave before another group of guards can arrive, and Beefcake (who Ea woke up during the fight) casts Earth Tremor on the ledge, causing it to break loose and fall. It smashes through the webs under the outpost and lands in a shallow lake, with the characters taking no damage. Fleeing the pool, a drow guard picks off Turvy the deep gnome (who didn’t matter much anyway) with a crossbow, but the other players all escape Velkynvelve.

This was an extremely productive session, so there will have to be a third post for it later. I hope you guys are enjoying reading about this as much as we enjoyed playing it!

[Gaius Hermicus]

Session 1: Part Three

After fleeing the drow outpost, the party found itself in in the midst of the Underdark, with no food or supplies except that which they had scavenged from the drow guards. This was a slight problem. Fortunately, Fivin and Eldeth were accomplished foragers, and between them managed to get enough food to keep the party from starving. While walking through a cave system, on the first day, a small ragtag group of slaves encountered them. They were a young man and women, their teenage daughter, and a baby. Everybody rolls Insight to determine whether they were suspicious.

Ulfgar: They’re ordinary people.
Ea: They’re ordinary people.
Beefcake: They’re ordinary people.
Amoumamoum: They’re ordinary people.
Fivin (rolls a nat 1): They’re MURDERERS!!!! And the child is a DEMON!!!
Buppido: Murderers? Where? Where?
Amoumamoum: No, Buppido, there’s no murderers here. They’re regular people.
Fivin: They’re murderers, I tell you!
Ea: Well, there’s an easy way to test this. If the baby is a demon, it won’t be able to touch holy water, will it? So we make it drink some holy water, and see it it explodes!
Amoumamoum: But I don’t have any-
Ea (glaring): They don’t know that, do they?
Beefcake: Well, they do now.

The escaping family joined the party. So far, the players have starved them and made them lowest priority for food, water, and basic human necessities. So I’m not convinced that they will last long.

On day two, Fivin and Eldeth didn’t find as much food. The “most important” (read: the most intimidating) characters received food: all the PCs, plus Buppido, Sarith, and Derendil. Towards the end of the day, a crack of rock was heard. Jimjar leaped gracefully forward, diving out of the way of a sinkhole that had opened right below him. From inside the sinkhole, a voice could be heard, but it was too dark to make out many details of the person’s features. Everybody rolls Insight.

Ulfgar: They’re ordinary people.
Ea: They’re ordinary people.
Beefcake: They’re ordinary people.
Amoumamoum: They’re ordinary people.
Fivin (rolls a nat 1): They’re PIRATES!!!!
Beefcake: No, Fivin. They’re not pirates.
Ea: Yeah, remember when you thought that family were murderers?
Ulfgar: We’re just going to let them out of the pit.
The Mysterious Person (climbing to the top of the pit): Cap’n Redbeard, atcher service. Now if you’ll just stand still here, we’ll be relieving ye of yer valuables and departing.
Fivin (glaring at everybody else): I told you they were pirates.
Cap’n Redbeard: These scurvy dogs here with me be Pegleg, Squinty, and Blunderbuss. Now give us yer possessions, unless ye want a face full o’ grapeshot.
Ea (rolls Intimidation, gets a 20): How about instead, you become our slaves?
Redbeard (terrified out of his mind): Yes, yes, we’ll do anything ye say, ma’am!

End Session

[Finback]

Ulfgar: They’re ordinary people.
Ea: They’re ordinary people.
Beefcake: They’re ordinary people.
Amoumamoum: They’re ordinary people.
Fivin (rolls a nat 1): They’re PIRATES!!!!
Beefcake: No, Fivin. They’re not pirates.
Ea: Yeah, remember when you thought that family were murderers?
Ulfgar: We’re just going to let them out of the pit.
The Mysterious Person (climbing to the top of the pit): Cap’n Redbeard, atcher service. Now if you’ll just stand still here, we’ll be relieving ye of yer valuables and departing.


comedy gold.

(I am now going to create the Dread Cave Pirates, a fearsome band whose ship was pulled down into the Underdark, after a seafloor collapse into a cave system. They now roam the Underdark in longboats lashed to the back of a purple worm named Salty Bob. He tried to eat them, but they threw a lot of rum down his throat, and he kind of liked it. The duergar hate them because they're stupid. The drow hate them because they're baffling. The illithids hate them because they take all the cool treasure. The kuo-toa think they're AWESOME.)

[Jerrykhor]

Good read. Just curious, where was Ilvara and her boys when the party escaped? I thought she would have been alerted one the alarm goes off.

[1Pirate]

Sadly, you're always going to be "those guys that allow PvP castration" to me.

[Ivor_The_Mad]

Good read. Just curious, where was Ilvara and her boys when the party escaped? I thought she would have been alerted one the alarm goes off.

She was alerted and was ordering some other guards to come help but did not reach us before we jumped. She then went to reorganize the rest of the fort and sent out a party after us.


Sadly, you're always going to be "those guys that allow PvP castration" to me.
Ok, that's fair.

[Ivor_The_Mad]

Session 2 Part 1

With our new party, members in toe we marched off into the darkness. As night fell we elected people to keep watch. The dad of the small family we helped, Red Beard, Sarith, and Ea were Keeping watch when an arrow flew out of the darkness and buried itself in the Fathers throat.

This is probably a good time to mention we got a new party member. Sarithell, A nonbinary high elf rogue who is an absolute idiot. (int 7)

Red Beard Yelled into the darkness: “SHOW YE SELF, YA SNEAKING PANSIES, OR YE’LL FIND YE SELF WITH A FACE FULL OF GRAPESHOT!!!” and promptly discharged a shot into the darkness.

The noise woke up most of the party. Except for Beefcake who was snoring like a Tarrasque.
I immediately drew my crossbow and rolled perception. Thankfully this time I did not see a blue dragon riding a purple worm but instead a group of small dark shapes which I assumed were derro or something. Sarithell on the other hand saw a group of goblins and immediately knew there names, parents names, favorite food, and shoe size. Sarithell started sneaking toward them but rolled a nat 1.
Red Beard yelled: HEY LITTLE MISSY WHAT BE YE DOING PRETENDING LIKE YOU ARE SNEAKING TOWARD THEM GOBLINS. WE ALL CAN SEE YA.
Immediately the goblins turned and fired turning Sarithell into a pin cushion. Ouch.
Beefcake finally woke up as Umamoum ran over to revive Sarithell. Beefcake, Angry that he was woken up bellowed and collapsed the tunnel with the goblins blocking them from us and crushing one of them in the process.
The rest of the party woke up and the family mourned the loss of their Father. Ea went to go cheer them up as we foraged for food.
The next night Sarithell, and the baby were on watch (the DM rolled the baby twice because for some reason the baby is on the list of people to stay up for watch.)
It was late when Sarithell noticed a large shadowy creature move across the ground toward the corps of the father. It looked at and licked the baby then moved over to the dad. Sarithell decided to wake the barbarian to deal with this. I awoke to the noise of the barbarian swearing about being woken up.

Now let’s take a magical trip outside the game for a minute to see what was happening.
*que the dream ripple effect*

Beefcakes player: I need to wake up. I promised to protect the corps.
DM: fine roll to wake up.
Beefcakes player: *roll* *roll* nat 1. Can i please wake up. Maybe i have like a connection to the corps because of the promise I made. *turns to Sarithells player” wake me up please”
Sarithells player: Nope.

Back to the game
*que the dream ripple effect*

Beefcake (due to the nat 1) rolls over in his sleep and crushes Topsy (or Turvy I can't remember which died.)
Ulfgar goes over to help while i get up to go investigate. I go over to the body and find a carrion crawler eating the dads arm. I roll animal handling and get a nat 20. I immediately bond with it and I name him Harvey. Sarithell comes over to kill it and almost does but realizes i'm on it and stops (it had a saddle on it). The party decides to vote on weather to keep it or not because it eats 4 times the amount of food we do but in the end Harvey gets to stay mostly because I named him.

End of Session 2 Pt. 1
I might have to make this into 3 parts since this was a efficient session.

[Ivor_The_Mad]

Session 2 part 2

We rested the night with Sarithell, Buppido, and Jimjar. Sarithell noticed something creeping through the ground but lost it and decided it was a trick of the mind. A few minutes later they noticed something over by the baby.
An orange slime moved over the baby absorbing it then turning to flee. I woke up along with Ulfgar and ran to help. We killed the slime but not in time to save the baby. Beefcake yet again rolled to wake up, rolled a nat 1, and rolled over crushing Topsy (or Turvy I can't remember). We pushed him off and then went to comfort the grieving family. The next day we almost made it to Sloobludop when we were stopped by a Kuo Toa patrol. They surrounded us each person had two spears pointed at each of our throats. The leader came up to us and told us we were coming with him.
Beefcake: (stepping up to the leader) Make me
Leader: ok
The leader then made 3 attacks
The first bounced off of Beefcakes tough hide. The second and 3rd both found there mark both sending jolting bolts of electricity through Beefcakes body reducing him to 0 and he fell unconscious.
While this was happening Sarithell rolled stealth and snuck away before they were noticed. I rolled a stealth check while the guards were tying my hands rolled a nat 20.
I just walked away and they ended up tying their hands together.
Ea walked up to the Leader and made a charisma check to frighten him. She failed the check so he swung at her he rolled a nat 1 and smacked himself in the face knocking himself unconscious.
Ea got all the XP for that and proceeded to level up.
After this, we made it to Sloobludop we got a quest from the leader of one part of the city.

END SESSION

[Gaius Hermicus]

Sorry that all these installments are coming so quickly. Ivor got really backed up over the past week or so, so we have been submitting these write-ups in a hurry.

Session 3

This was a strange session, partly because Beefcake and Sarithell were not present, partly because of the Darklake. The Darklake is a murder-hole. Let me back up and explain.

So, the characters entered the city of Sloobludop with their escort, the archpriest Ploopplopeen (hereby referred to as Ploop because kuo-toa names are hell to write). Not much happened in the kuo-toa city because I had to skip most of the plot exposition due to everybody bursting into uncontrollable giggles every time I introduced a new kuo-toa character and had to give their name. For the most part, Ploop handed them over to Blopblippodd (known from now on as Blop), his daughter, to be sacrificed to Leemogoogoon (I can’t really shorten that, so I will just never type it again). All the characters were herded towards an altar of a god whose name I refuse to type, and the kuo-toa started dancing and chanting and walking around them in circles.

Suddenly, Ploop walked up to Blop and struck her across the head. The chanting of the kuo-toa turned to screams as the Darklake turned to blood and something started dragging cultists underwater and dismembering them. Ploop struck the final blow against his daughter, and then the dock underneath him collapsed into the water, swallowing him up forever. This gave the players a chance to break away and escape, but the ritual had achieved an awful success. From the depths of the Darklake, two heads emerged, followed by long tentacles and a horrible, rotting body. The demon lord Demogorgon threw back his head and roared!

As Sloobludop started smashing the kuo-toa town to ruins, the characters started sprinting away, looking for an escape route. Some of them (the pirates Squinty and Blunderbuss) had been driven insane by the sight of Demogorgon, and were riding on Harvey the carrion crawler’s back. One of Demogorgon’s tentacles smashed into them as they ran on their way, crushing the pirates and killing them, and gravely wounding Harvey. Fortunately the remaining NPCs and PCs managed to not die until they escaped the reach of the demon lord.

Captain Redbeard: Come on, ye lubbers! To the ship!
Fivin: What ship?
Redbeard: My ship! It was docked here before we abandoned it, and we can use it to escape across the Darklake!

The ship turned out to be a huge pirate galleon powered by bicycle pedals in the hull. Ront, Pegleg, Ulfgar, and Eldeth started pedaling, and the ship pulled forward, away from the ruins of Sloobludop.

To be continued...

[Gaius Hermicus]

Session 3, Part 2

After fleeing Sloobludop, Redbeard’s pirate ship sailed (pedaled) into the Darklake. I had a bad feeling about this session, given: a) Our group’s bad track record on board ships, and b) the Darklake is a murderhole, and the party was fairly underleveled for the encounters. To even it up, I gave them the gigantic boat and a few cannons. I can’t remember most of the encounters, as they were all fairly similar. I will go over the standard ones that we had, and then a few of the actually interesting ones.

Most of the encounters were with creatures swimming underneath the boat, trying to sink it, and being unable to overcome the damage reduction before Pegleg scared them off by banging pots and pans together. The other encounters were mostly terrain things, like low ceilings or dangerous currents, which Redbeard was mostly able to avoid. There were two encounters that actually had any interest or plot importance, so I will narrate them below.

Attempting to sail through a narrow passage with a short roof was too risky. The ceiling was slightly too low for the ship to pass under.

Redbeard: Argh, the ceiling be too low ta sail under.
Fivin: Can we make the ceiling higher?
Pegleg: I could shoot the top off with a cannonball.
Fivin: How about we don’t-
Ea, Ulfgar, and Amoumamoum: Yes! Do it!
Pegleg fires the cannon, and I roll high enough to decide that he collapses part of the ceiling, making it just slightly large enough to pass through. Everybody except Fivin cheers, and then has to make a saving throw to avoid getting crushed against the ceiling as they pass under it. Shuushar the kuo-toa monk failed and was knocked off the boat, falling behind.

A little bit later, the ship got stuck on a sandbar and everybody had to get off to try and push it back into the water. I checked everybody’s passive perception, and the highest was only a 14.

Me (secretly rolling Stealth checks and attack rolls): You managed to push the ship back into the water, and everybody got back on board safely. Suddenly, four black forms swoop from the sky and land on the heads of Ront, Buppido, Ulfgar, and Amoumamoum!
Fivin: I try to identify the creature.
Me: You can’t.
Fivin: Why not?
Me: Because another one of them snuck up on you, attached to your head, and knocked you off the side of the boat. You are now thirty feet underwater, blinded, suffocating, and the darkmantle got a critical hit against you. And also nobody noticed any of this happening.
Fivin: Well ****.

Buppido managed to pull his darkmantle off, as did Ulfgar. Amoumamoum failed his check to detach it, but Jimjar was able to cut it off. Ront was not so lucky. He failed his check, and Ea decided to try and help him.

Ea: I walk over to the darkmantle and pull on it as hard as I can. (rolls, gets a nat 1).
Me: You pull on it, but it is attached too strongly. You pull harder, and then suddenly the creature comes off! As you drop it to the floor, Ront’s head falls out and rolls overboard.

Fivin finally managed to pull the darkmantle off his head and kill it with his tentacles, but he was still blinded by its magical darkness and was on the verge of passing out from oxygen deprivation. He managed to have enough sense to see which direction the bubbles floated when he exhaled, swimming up to the surface and gasping for breath.

At the end of the session, the pirate ship arrived at the shores of Gracklstugh.

[Ivor_The_Mad]

This was a short session and a half so Session 3.5 I guess?

We got off the boat and went to get some food at an inn. We returned to the ship to find out that Buppido was gone and he didn’t return to the ship at night so Ea forced us to go out and find him using Harvey as a bloodhound. He lead us to a gate with 2 guards who Ea convinces to let us pass. We enter the slums where the derro live. Harvey leads us to a pile of trash where we find a dead derro skeleton. Harvey keeps digging and disappears. Ea jumps in after him disappearing as well. A derro who was watching us giggles and hands me a shovel. I dig through into an underground cave system followed by the rest of the party.
It was a short session so I’ll probably the session after too.

[Ivor_The_Mad]

Session 4

We were in a cavern. Cool right? Yah. A murder cavern. OooOOoooOOOoo.
We walked into the next room following Harvey. We came to a fork and followed Harvey to the right until we came upon a room full of corpses. The corpses were arranged in circles around a central body. Harvey began to feast while Ea made sure none of the bodies were Buppido. Not finding him Ea and the party moved on. Except for Fivin. The party, having left the room heard a scream and rushed back to the room to find Fivin on the ground, poking a beetle. Every time he poked it screamed. *poke* “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAGA” *poke* “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAGA” *poke* “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAGA”.
Fivin: Hey look at this cool beetle!!
The party left Fivin with his beetle and continued on hearing the occasional “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAGA”
“AAAAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAGA”
“AAAAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAGA”
“AAAAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAGA”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH”
Hearing the last, deeper, scream they ran back to see Buppido standing over Fivin arranging his organs.
Buppido: Howdy y'all!
Ea: uh Buppido what are you doing
Buppido: Ah’m a gawd and me and mah fallowers are goin’ tah kill everyone tah save them. Once everyone else is dead ah'll kill myself!
Ea: Uhh you are not mentally ok
Buppido: Ah am a gawd
They then proceeded to attack Buppido but failed the first attack.
Buppido: See your mortal weapons can't hurt a gawd. Now come with me to death.
They then killed him.
RIP
They bent over to look at my body noticing that something was happening with my tentacles. They were writhing and squirming and an ooze was coming off them dissolving the other dead bodies.
Umamoum went to loot my corpse but touched the tentacle and got there max hp reduced but they got the stuff by wrapping their hand in rope which was not affected by the ooze. And got the stuff. Once they got the stuff though they decided to light my body on fire. The cavern filled with acrid black smoke.

The party then ran down deeper into the cavern to a bunch of Myconids and spore and fungi covered creatures. Like Quaggoths! We had a short chat with them about joining their cult but we politely declined we started to head deeper into the caves when we came upon a lake. Umamoum rolling perception: Looks safe to me.
Ulfgar: Nae boy it be full of tiny angry disease bunnies. They be like dust bunnies but evil!!! They freeze ya like stone.
He had rolled a nat 20 and seen the individual parasitic microbes in the water. The party deciding not to proceed further turned and ran. They ran past the mushrooms and through the smoke and out. We had also brought along stools brother who we found in the mushroom cult cave!
We then went off to search for shrooms!!!!

[Gaius Hermicus]

Session 5 Part 1: In Which Redbeard Encounters His Nemesis

In attendance: Everybody except Sarithell. This was good, because Beefcake had missed the previous two sessions, and I was worried he was leaving the group.

Session begins with Ivor’s new character joining the group. His name is Skadi, he is a cleric of Loki (with a dip into rogue). They then left Gracklstugh on the way to Neverlight Grove. Two days passed without event, and then, finally, something interesting happened.

It was nighttime. Stool, Rumpadump (Stool’s brother), and Skadi were on watch. Skadi notices something shadowy sneaking through a tunnel towards them and hides behind a rock. The shadowy figures sneak into the center of the camp, revealing them to be a dwarf and three humans holding pistols and swords. They’re PIRATES!!!

Dwarf (to Stool): Hand over all yer valuables, or we’ll shoot ye.
Stool (crying): Please, I don’t have any valuables. Don’t kill me.
One of the pirates: Maybe we could fry and eat the mushrooms.
While the pirates were distracted, Skadi snuck up behind them and tapped the dwarf on the shoulder.
Skadi (in a pirate accent): Ahoy there! We be pirates too! (I made him roll a Performance check for the accent, and a Deception check to convince them that they were pirates. He failed the accent, but succeeded on the Deception).
Dwarf: Ye don’t sound like a pirate.
Skadi: I fell off a… um… truck… and hit my head. (succeeds the Deception check.)
Dwarf: What’s a truck?
Skadi: It’s… um… like a duck… but with wheels. (rolls a natural 20 on the Deception check, I rule that that causes trucks to actually exist in-universe).
Dwarf: Aye, that makes sense. Well, then, my pirate friend, who be yer captain?
Skadi: It’s Captain Redbeard, right here. (Kicks Redbeard to wake him up).

Redbeard leaps into the air, firing his pistol randomly into the air and waking everybody else up. “Shiver me timbers! Who dares to wake tha great Captain Redbeard from his beauty rest?”

The two dwarf pirates look at each other, then both draw their pistols.

Redbeard: Shiver me timbers, it be me old nemesis Captain Greenbeard!
Ulfgar: Greenbeard?
Greenbeard: It be me name, on account of me collection of moss and lichens stored in me facial hair.
Redbeard: He be me nemesis. Now step aside, all of ye, so I can kill tha man as ruined me life.
Greenbeard: Nae, ye ruined me life! Ye marooned me and stole me ship!

Skadi attempts a Sleight of Hand check to take the bullets out of Greenbeard’s gun, succeeds. Amoumamoum attempts to pull them apart.

Ea: But we’re all pirates! The pirate code says we can’t fight each other except at sea!
Redbeard and Greenbeard: They’re really more... guidelines. (We had to explain to Beefcake’s player, who had somehow never seen Pirates of the Caribbean). Both attempt to fire at the same time. Redbeard missed Greenbeard by a mile, Greenbeard’s aim was straight, but his gun was unloaded.

Greenbeard: Why can’t I kill him?
Ea: It’s because he’s a GHOST!!! (Deception 15)
Greenbeard: Aye, well, then, it’s a good thing I had me sword enchanted to kill ghosts! (He pulls out a sword with a rubber duck attached to the handle.)
Redbeard: No! Not the ducky! (He fires again, and puts a bullet into Greenbeard’s head, killing him instantly. The rest of Redbeard’s crew flees in terror.

I shall tell about Neverlight Grove another time.

[Gaius Hermicus]

Disclaimer: This session (and the one that follow) contain some frankly bizarre stuff.

Session 5 Part 2: In Which Beefcake Does Some Really Stupid Stuff


After the altercation with Greenbeard, the party continued on their way to Neverlight Grove. Just outside of the sanctuary, Beefcake spotted a cluster of small mushrooms.

Beefcake: I eat the mushrooms.
Me: Um… okay. Roll a Constitution save.
Beefcake: Why? Are they poisoned?
Me: No, but they have about a million calories each. And you ate nine of them.

Beefcake becomes grotesquely fat. Now he can only move by rolling.

Very carefully, Skadi, Ea, and Umoumamoum decide to scout out the grove. They sneak in past the mushroom guards before they are stopped by a myconid.

Myconid: What are you doing here?
Ea (Deception): We are here to sell encylopaedias.
Myconid: We don’t need any encyclopaedias.
Skadi (Persuasion): Just joking. We are here to speak to your leader.
Myconid: We don’t have a leader. We are socialist mushrooms. We do have a Wonder-Counselor.
Amoumamoum: Take us to your Wonder-Counselor then.

Everybody crowded into the groves and were led to a pavilion where two very large myconids were arguing with each other. The myconid guard that was escorting them led the party up to one of them.

Myconid: This is Wonder-Counselor Basidia.
Basidia: How may we help you?
Beefcake (OOC): I eat the myconid.
Everybody else: WTF???
Beefcake: And I rolled a natural twenty.

Beefcake’s jaw dropped all the way to the ground and he swallowed Basidia whole. This caused his stomach to swell up to the size of a weather balloon. A myconid holding a small mushroom walks over to Beefcake and offers the “wafer-thin” fungus to him. Beefcake declines, and is then jabbed in the stomach by Ulfgar, causing him to vomit the Wonder-Counselor out onto the ground.

Basidia: What was that for?
The other Wonder-Counselor (Phylo): He was trying to merge with you; to form a single, unified being.
Basidia: No, you moron, he was trying to eat me.
Beefcake: I… was definitely trying to merge. Definitely.

At this point, Basidia leaves in a huff, followed by Stool and Rumpadump, who are looking at Beefcake in fear. Phylo takes the party members aside to make a request of them.

Phylo: Would you do something for me?
Amoumamoum: What is it?
Phylo: I want you to take a message to our Mother. Tell her that her wedding has been set for three months from now.
Skadi: Who is your mother?
Phylo: She is the Great Seeder, the Mother of Fungus. She dwells in Yggmorgus, over on that plateau over there.

Skadi and Amoumamoum, who are clerics, are able to figure out that the Great Seeder is Zuggtmoy, which freaks people out for a moment. Then they forgot all about it, because Beefcake freaked them out more.

Beefcake: Can I get rid of all this fat?
Me: How would you do that?
Beefcake: Well, natural twenties essentially turn the laws of physics on and off.
Me: If you roll a nat twenty, then you can eject all the fat from your body. However, if you don’t roll a twenty, then you will shed the fat by slicing it off of yourself with a knife, which will leave you at 1 HP for three days and also decrease your Charisma score.
Beefcake (rolling): I will give it a shot. (Gets an 18, looks at me pleadingly).
Me: You slice all the fat and skin off of your body. You are now a bloody, flayed cow with one hit point and no Charisma score.

Beefcake, Amoumamoum, Ulfgar, Skadi, and Ea now attempt to deliver the message. They climbed the cliff and entered the forest of deadly mushrooms, which was full of shrieking corpses and clouds of spores drifting everywhere. Then a creepy larva thing comes crawling out of the undergrowth and tells them that they will all merge with the Mother or die. Then it attacks. The party runs away ignobly, rests for a while to recover their strength (and for Beefcake to regrow some of his skin) and then goes back to face the creepy larva thing. They kill it and level up.

End Session

[Ivor_The_Mad]

Alright time to start probably the trippiest dungeon we have done yet. GLOWY MUSHROOM DISCO PARTY

So after killing the thingy, we walked on until we heard some singing. Well maybe not singing exactly but the mushroom equivalent. Let’s go with “horrible off-key shrieking to a rhythm” which our DM beautifully imitated for us and I happily recorded. We followed the singing mushrooms singing along to blend in Ea sang so well they moved her to the front. After a few minutes, we approached a large mushroom and tried not to go insane. Some of us failed but nothing too bad it all wore off. We got closer and rolled again and then again when we reached the palace and faced Zuggtmoy. I ended up attached to a glowy crystal I found Ea became attached to something but I don't remember what. Umamoum ended up jittery and bouncy as hell and is now basically having a permanent seizure. Ulfgar is now deaf but beefcake is fine.
Beefcake went up and rolled to charm Zuggtmoy and succeeded. He started to persuade her to let us go while I went up to her and told her we were here to plan the wedding. Then I went to one of her mushroom people and asked for some glowy mushrooms so we could make it a disco party!.
Mushroom: what is disco
Skadi: Well….. *I start playing staying alive much to the dismay of the DM and roll performance*
15
DM: the mushroom is kind of intrigued and goes to get the fungus
I go up to Zuggtmoy and roll performance to try to get her hooked on Disco
25
The DM groans as the table erupted in laughter.
At this point, not much happened in game but the out of game was amazing.
We all started playing disco music and my character cast invoke duplicity to make some backup dancers like the video for you dropped a bomb on me which we were playing at the time. At this point everything was chaos. We were all playing disco and I honestly don't know what happened. After this, we left Zuggtmoy and her new disco mushrooms to take over the world with disco.

[Gaius Hermicus]

I will preface this section by apologizing for the previous session. I certainly did not intend for that to happen, in fact Ivor orchestrated the entire thing with his absurd Charisma checks. I’m no happier about the mushroom disco apocalypse than you probably are (assuming anybody still reads this). Okay, I think I have vented enough of my spleen to continue.

Disclaimer: Any similarity to a certain oft-mocked American governmental division is completely coincidental and does not reflect upon the political views of Ivor, Gaius Hermicus, or any of our players. There. Now you can’t sue us.


Session 7 Part 1: In Which the Party is Interrogated by the Blingdenstone TSA.

After leaving the shameful remnants of Neverlight Grove, the party had an uneventful journey to the deep gnome city of Blingdenstone. Upon arrival, they were stopped at a massive steel gate by six deep gnomes. The leader wore a badge reading “BTSA”.

Deep Gnome: Halt!
Ea: My name is Ea, not Halt. Halt was my cousin.
Deep Gnome: No, I mean stop walking. (everybody stops)
Deep Gnome: I am Ghadler, head gate guard for the BTSA.
Amoumamoum: What is the BTSA?
Ghadler: The Blingdenstone Terrorist Security Administration.
Amoumamoum: Well, we aren’t terrorists.
Ghadler: That remains to be seen. Now, I will need each of you to fill out this paperwork.
Skadi: Wait, you make us fill in paperwork, but not that guy?
Ghadler: What guy?
Skadi: The guy who just walked past you and entered the city. He was our guide.
Ghadler (looking behind him): I don’t see anybody.
Skadi: He was invisible. Our invisible Sherpa guide.
Ghadler (looking through gemstone): I don’t see any invisible Sherpa guide.
Skadi: DAMMIT, HE GAVE US THE SLIP!!! (Deception 15)
Ghadler: Oh, I see. You there, go into the city and look for an invisible Sherpa! (5 BTSA members remain).
Ghadler: Now fill out the paperwork. (everybody takes a paperwork and starts filling it in except Ulfgar, who just stares at his)
Ghadler: Hey dwarf, why aren’t you filling in the paperwork?
Ulfgar: I don’t read so good. What does it say?
Ghadler: If you cannot read, we will have to give you an oral examination. First, what is your name?
Ulfgar: Ulfgar.
Ghadler: What is your purpose in coming to Blingdenstone?
Ulfgar: Peer pressure.
Ghadler: Oh really? And who are these peers that pressured you into coming?
Ulfgar: Terrorists.
Ghadler (nearly exploding of apoplexy): Terrorists! Who were they? ISIS?
Amoumamoum: What is ISIS?
Ghadler: The Illithid Subterfuge Insidious Sect. Are you with them?
Ea: No, no, Ulfgar is just confused. There are no terrorists. We do have a pirate, though…
Redbeard (firing weapons into the air): Argh! Argh!
Ghadler: Who is this man?
Ea: He is our pirate.
Ghadler: Is he mentally disturbed?
Amoumamoum: He has piratism. It is a very dangerous mental condition.
Ghadler: We’ll need to check that. Go fetch a DSM-5 from the city. (another deep gnome leaves). In the meantime, we’ll need to take away his weapons.
Redbeard: Ye’ll take me pistols over me dead body! (proceeds to point his gun at Ghadler)

Desperately trying to defuse the situation, Skadi used Sleight of Hand to remove the bullets from Redbeard’s gun. Unfortunately, he rolled a nine. Redbeard, thinking that a ghost was attacking him, started firing randomly into the air.

Ea: Wait, Redbeard! Bullets won’t hurt a ghost! You’ll need to bang two sticks together while dancing a jig!
Redbeard: Get me some sticks!
Ghadler: Go get this man some sticks, before he tries to shoot us! (3 BTSA members left).
Skadi: This form says we have to declare and hand over any weapons on our persons.
Ghadler: Do you have any weapons?
Skadi: Well, yes, I have a few daggers.
Ghadler: Show them to me.

Skadi then starts pulling out daggers from every pocket and bag he owns. He ends up with a stack three feet high.

Ghadler: That looks like more than a few.
Skadi: Well, yes there are a lot actually. But they aren’t a very big deal.
Ghadler: Oh, well in that case you can keep them. Just don’t try to buy any more!
Skadi: I make no promises.
Ghadler: We’ll have to report that, though. (Another BTSA member rushes off).
Beefcake at this point decides to start participating. Being, well, Beefcake, he immediately makes a flirtation check on the remaining low-level BTSA member. Rolls a 19 plus modifiers.

BTSA member: Ooh… Hello, minotaur. (flutters eyelashes).
Ghadler: Hey! Stop flirting with probable terrorist minotaurs! That’s the third this week! (The BTSA member walks off in shame. Ghadler is now the only guard left at the gate).
Skadi: So, Ghadler, what’s it like guarding this gate all the time? Must get lonely, out here all alone.
Ghadler: Yeah, it really is. I didn’t choose to work for the BTSA, you know.
Skadi: Really?
Ghadler: Yeah, time was, you could get a good job as a private security guard in the city. But now all the dwarven immigrants are coming in, and, well, nobody wants to hire gnomes anymore. That damned cheap dwarven labor!
Skadi: I feel for you, man. Hey, tell you what. I’ll help you out here! How about we go through without making any paperwork for you to file? Wouldn’t that be so much more relaxing?
Ghadler: Let me ask my superiors. (He walks away, leaving the gate completely unguarded.)

The party walks through the gate and into Blingdenstone.

[Gaius Hermicus]

(Short part 2 before Ivor posts the next session)

Session 7 Part 2: In which Amoumamoum Gets a Fright


Upon entering the gates to Blingdenstone, Beefcake helped the party pass through several more lines of defense before they managed to break into the city proper. They eventually wandered their way to an inn.

Innkeeper: Ooh, travellers! Hello!
Ea: Hello, we are very important travellers and because of that you should give us free rooms and food.
Innkeeper: Oh, sure, of course! I’m so bored, and the inn is totally empty anyway. Here, have some free food and drink.
Amoumamoum: Thank you.
Ulfgar: Don’t eat the food! It’s probably poisoned.
Amoumamoum: Um… I don’t think so.
Innkeeper: Would you like to take a bath? We have hot springs!
Ulfgar: Don’t go! There’s probably a crocodile in the baths!
Skadi: Don’t be ridiculous. When did you get so paranoid, anyway?
(OOC: Ulfgar went insane after seeing the mushroom dance party and now is unable to trust anybody).

After eating, bathing, and relaxing, they went back into the inn, which had started to fill up with deep gnome patients. Redbeard heard that there was a ghost problem in the town and went off to fight the ghosts, armed with his sticks and dancing shoes. Then Skadi and Beefcake heard that there was a reward being offered for people who could sneak into the Rockblight district of town and figure out why the earth elementals were going insane. They decided to head over to it and dragged the rest of the party along with them. When Beefcake arrived, he discovered that the entrance to Rockblight was sealed off by a solid steel gate.

Beefcake: I charge at the gate and try to break it down with my horns. (Rolls a natural 1)
Me: You slam into it headfirst and get a concussion.
Skadi: I wake Beefcake up again.
Beefcake: I charge at the gate and try to break it down with my horns. (Rolls a 17).
Me: The gate caves in, then falls to the ground with a crash.
Skadi: We enter.

After walking through the darkness beyond for several minutes, a glowing ghostly figure jumps out of the darkness at them, shouting “BOO!!!” Amoumamoum got terrified, and actually aged ten years, growing a long grey beard. Ea, Skadi, and Beefcake made their saves, and Ulfgar actually got a natural twenty.

Ulfgar: BOO TO YOU TOO!!!
Ghost: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Runs away).

End session.

[Ivor_The_Mad]

SESSION 8

Ahh yes into the cave of doom. This a short session. A session that would have been cut short due to a TPK if it was not for our merciful DM who may or may not have thrown a mostly 2-3 level party up against a boss meant for a party of 6th level adventurers with an army of deep gnomes behind us. Instead, this is what happened…

We traveled deeper in the cave till we came upon a room with a bed and a skeleton looking under it. The party voted for me to go look under it and I did so reluctantly. Under it, I noticed a trap door so I had Ulfgar move the bed. He did so with a nat 20 and hulk threw the bed into the wall revealing some treasure. I opened the trap door to find a bag with some gems and a potion Umamoum saw the gems before I could hide them so I slipped him 3 of the 6. The other 2 party members fell for the illusion I cast on them. I think Ulfgar got the potion.

We traveled deeper into the cave and down a passage where no one but Umamoum noticed the shapes in the walls and gem slots we walked by and he decided to put a gem in a hole. He failed to do it unnoticed though not that it mattered because that shape was an earth elemental. We turned to run but Umamoum wanted the gem back and tried to grab it. This got him one stony hand to the head knocking him to 0. Some people were contemplating whether to leave him or not so while everyone was distracted I took the gem and ran the rest of the party followed after Umamoum rolled a nat 20 on a death save and came back to life.

After a bit more running we came upon a large chamber with a throne raised off the ground. On it sat a pile of butterscotch pudding. He started laughing at us. We decided this was not too bad.
He hopped off his throne (the DM removed the extra oozes to give us a chance).
Pudding King: you will all taste great.
Me: Do you like… Disco?
Pudding King: NO! I hate disco. I like POLKA
Me: $%@($^ It worked on the last guy.
I then rolled stealth and slunk off to the shadows.
Sarithell rolled for stealth so they can sneak up behind the King and stab him. They failed the check but attempted to stab him anyways.
PK: hey that's not nice
PK then instantly outright kills Sarithell.
Then after a few more seconds outright kills Umamoum.
Now it's just me and Ulfgar who goes into a rage and I help by invoking duplicity to give the pudding king disadvantage and Ulfgar advantage. He then charged in hacking and slashing nearly killing the Pudding king. Then from all the way back in the corner I cast and throw a shadowblade and nail the king between his eyes killing him.

That was about where we ended. The dm rushed through getting back to the surface world and all.

[Gaius Hermicus]

Session Whatever We’re On Right Now: A Sequence of Pointless Cameos


The last write-up ended somewhat abruptly, so I will fill in the remainder of the details. After defeating the Pudding King, the party returned to Blingdenstone and was welcomed as heroes. They then found a guide and escaped the Underdark. I decided to cut the boss fight with the drow, because I’ve always found it to be railroad-y and I was pressed for time at any rate. Maybe it will come up later.

During the three weeks between their escape from the Underdark and the events of this episode, the characters sort of went their separate ways. Skadi and Ea started hanging out together and teaming up to swindle people, until Ea got caught and thrown in prison. Skadi had to pay the 400 gp bail, which Ivor is not very happy about. Beefcake started a band and went on a tour of the Sword Coast, and he has gained a fair amount of publicity as a novelty musical act. Ulfgar spent his time mostly hanging around in bars and getting into brawls. After approximately three weeks, each of them received a letter from King Bruenor Battlehammer of Gauntlgrym, which read as follows:

“Dear traveler,

I have heard of your adventures in the Underdark, and I find these rumors to be more than slightly alarming. If the demon lords are truly active in Faerun, then we must take immediate precautions to prevent their expansion further into our world. Please come to Gauntlgrym at once to discuss these urgent matters with us.”

Everybody in the party took one look at the letter and said words to the effect of, “Nah, screw that”.

A few days later, a second letter arrived. This one was addressed from King Krangjag of Gobzreikh, and read,

“Pleez come to Gobzreikh to talk about teh demon lords. If yu iz duz, we iz give yu shinies.”

Everybody set out to go collect their shinies. More evidence of the bizarre and chaotic nature of this party, if any was needed.

Upon arrival at Gobzreikh, they were greeted by a panel of three: Bruenor Battlehammer, Krangjag Sharptooth, and Fizbop Thundertoes (see our previous campaigns to have any idea of who these characters are). Bruenor gave them each a magical +1 dwarf-forged weapon of their choice, and a letter of recommendation that would oblige any dwarf they met to aid them. Krangjag, however was not quite convinced of their ability to defeat the demon lords.

Krangjag: We iz not sure yu iz strong enough to kil teh demon lords. I iz not help yu unless yu iz prove yer strength.
Ulfgar: How can I prove my strength?
Krangjag: Yu iz must fight Gobzreikh champion.

In a deep gladiatorial pit was a large, beefy goblin with flails in place of his arms and wearing a spiked facemask. Ulfgar leapt into the pit to fight him. The goblin won initiative and charged at him, swinging his flails wildly. Both collided with Ulfgar’s head, but his berserker rage caused him to be barely fazed. He chopped at his foe with a battle-axe, barely fazing it because of its berserker rage. You can probably see where this is going.

After a few more rounds of combat, Ulfgar managed to beat the goblin berserker senseless, impressing Krangjag enough that he agreed to send five of his goblin warriors to accompany them in their quest back into the Underdark. Then, out of nowhere, a short, Spanish man (Filippe, for those that know him) appeared and started whispering desperately, “Help me! Help me!”

Ea: What do you need help with?
Filippe: I cannot escape! Create a diversion so I can get away from the crazy man!
Skadi: What crazy man?

Right on cue, Fizbop appears from behind a corner and starts squeaking at them, “Has anybody seen the Squee Rell?”

Skadi: Ah, I see.
Filippe: If you can distract him long enough for me to make my getaway, I will give each of you a potion of healing and a potion of invisibility.
Beefcake: Okay.

They manage to distract Fizbop by taking him on a Squee Rell hunt, and he is so happy with them that he summons a pair of snow elementals to help them fight the demon lords.

End Session.

[Gaius Hermicus]

Session I Still Don’t Know What Number Session This Is: In Which Skadi Acts Like an Attention Hog


Back into the Underdark! This was a terrible idea. In an attempt to destroy the demon lords, the mighty (snicker snicker) heroes were sent to infiltrate Velkynvelve, the drow compound from which they had originally escaped, to find a scroll that could perform a ritual to draw all the demon lords to one place and make them fight each other. This scroll was kept in the top of a tower, in the personal library of Ilvara Mizzrym, the drow priestess who was in charge of the compound.

Upon reaching the compound, it became clear that this infiltration would not be as cut and dried as they had originally believed. Three drow guard stalked a catwalk overlooking the main gate, with a fourth below them at the entrance. A plan was formulated: Skadi and the goblins would snipe at the guards on the catwalk, using illusions to prevent any other guards from noticing anything, while Ulfgar would sneak up and kill the one at the gate. This plan worked to perfection, and no alarms were raised.

Skadi: I lift the portcullis gate very slowly.
Me: The gate lets out a high-pitched squeak.
Skadi: I immediately replace it, then lift it once again.
Me: It squeaks. A drow guard on the other side of the gate notices and walks over to investigate.
Drow Guard (seeing nothing suspicious): Hey Jerry, do we have rats in the compound?
Other Drow Guard (Jerry): Fred, you’re cracking up. How much did you have to drink last night?
Fred: I know there are rats. (Walks over to the gate to check it out, where Ulfgar promptly smashes his head in.

At this point Skadi decides that it would be a good idea to use his illusion magic to create a top hat-wearing rat, which would dance across the ground in front of the remaining guard.

Rat (in a ridiculous voice that I can’t even begin to describe, except that it somehow sounds obscene): Hey, Jerry, why don’t you go get yourself a drink?
Fred: I must be going crazy. (Walks into the barracks, abandoning his post).

The party now is able to sneak into the barracks. Upon entering, they spot the staircase leading up to Ilvara’s quarters, but there are about eight guards blocking the way. One of them is on a couch, psychoanalyzing the hapless Jerry. Skadi had the top hat-wearing rat appear again, this time right on the psychoanalyst’s shoulder.

Rat (in the stupid obscene voice): You know he’s got a point, Marvin.

Marvin and Jerry both start freaking out. The rest of the drow look at them strangely. Skadi then used Phantasmal Force to make it seem as though a massive tide of rats was rushing into the barracks and attacking them. The drow all freaked out, rolling madness saves and starting to swing their swords at empty air (and each other). Beefcake, Skadi, and Ubermoose walked right past them and up the stairs to Mistress Ilvara’s quarters.

To be Continued