I feel like I am being a jerk …

[Kesnit]

My wife and I are both gamers. In fact, we met through a tabletop game being run by a mutual friend. We’ve been together almost 10 years, and have been in a lot of TTRPGs and LARPs together. We’ve also played some MMOs together (and play a lot of the same video games).

I work full-time in a profession well known for burnout. My wife works part time in customer service for a specialty big box store. My hours are set (8:30-5), though I am usually am in the office around 8 and leave 5:15 to 5:30. (Some days I do get out at 5. Some days I am in until 6.) My commute is about 30 minutes each way. In order to get even close to enough sleep, I need to be in bed by 10.

The first and third (and fifth, if there is one) Saturday of every month, we go to a LARP, which we have been going to for about 2.5 years. We leave around 1:00, and get home around 10:00. On other Saturdays, we spend time with some of the same LARP friends, usually playing a tabletop game.

We have no human children, though have 2 dogs and 2 cats.

I often feel like I never have time to do things I want to do. I’m so far behind in my reading for fun. The only time I can play a game I want to play is Saturday mornings, or Sundays, assuming there aren’t other things that have to get done. (Playing in the evenings isn’t really an option. Between eating dinner, taking care of the pets, and needing to get to bed, by the time I got going, I’d have to quit.) Two weekends ago, my wife and her mother were out most of Saturday and Sunday, giving me two days to myself, and it was wonderful. I actually felt refreshed at the end of the weekend. In contrast, most weekends, I get to Sunday night feeling like I had no down time and had gone straight from Friday to Monday.

I am by nature an introvert, but my job requires me to interact with other people. (It is rare that I get a full day in my office without needing to interact with others.) I know a big part of this is that I seldom have time when I don’t have to “people.” On the other hand, I do enjoy LARP and spending time with our friends. Also, those are about the only social outlets my wife gets.

I feel selfish, because I know in a lot of ways, I am lucky. My wife and I have social events we enjoy doing together. We don’t have human children, so the events we do are ones we are doing by our own choice. But I just feel so tired.

[Chen]

Theres nothing wrong with taking a weekend “off”. People can use time on their own. I think it would be exhausting if I had to do something specific EVERY weekend.

[Sermil]

Being who you are is nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing wrong with needing some weekends off. The fact that you have been doing this for 2+ years is not a permanent promise to do it forever.

I would urge you to tell your wife how you are feeling sooner rather than later. The worst thing you could do is to unconsciously sabotage things because you are so tired that you can't handle it anymore -- or explode unexpectedly because you were too tired to deal with a minor annoyance. Just tell her "The LARPing and RPGing is fun but I need more of a balance. I'm getting tired because I never have a down-time weekend. I want to drop either the LARP or the tabletop RPGs, or ask the group to space them out more. What do you think the best option would be?"

[Scarlet Knight]

Speak to your wife. Ask if she enjoyed her time away from you. She may want downtime also. If so, put it in your schedule now because this time in your life will pass when kids come along.

Good marriages often adjust. If she missed you, maybe you can have date weekends together? Away from the house where the two of you can do nothing but relax without the laundry/lawn/ironing secretly whispering your name...

[Cozzer]

I have no experience with being married, but I think a relationship needs both shared interests/hobbies and interests/hobbies that each partner can pursue by him/herself (even introverted kind of interests, like reading or playing single-player games).

Also, there's never any reason to be ashamed of what you feel, as you can't choose it. You need more alone time, that's a fact, and refusing to satisfy this need of yours will only create more problems down the road. Just talk about this with your wife, possibly before it becomes a big enough problem that it's hard to talk about it without negative emotion spilling out and poisoning the whole thing.

Just my two cents, obiviously (except for the part where there's no reason to feel guilty about feelings, that's hard, undisputable fact and I'll fight whoever says otherwise).

[The Aboleth]

SNIP

It sounds to me like you are experiencing burnout with the LARPing and TTRPGs. Things you enjoy doing can start to feel like "work" or a social "obligation" when you do them too much.

I have experienced the same thing many times: I play in several different local sports leagues multiple times a week, and while I greatly enjoy them it can also be burdensome when I want to just chill at home one day but feel like I can't because I "have" to play in a game that night.

My advice: Take some time to yourself that doesn't involve LARPing or TTRPG time. Whenever I take a break from my sports leagues, I often feel refreshed and regain the enjoyment I previously had for playing in them. I think a similar approach could help you. Good luck!

[Kesnit]

Theres nothing wrong with taking a weekend “off”. People can use time on their own. I think it would be exhausting if I had to do something specific EVERY weekend.

Part of me is torn, though, because I do enjoy the LARP and TTRPGs once we get there and get started. I just dread them before going, and am worn out by the end of the weekend. (I’m already dreading tomorrow.)


I would urge you to tell your wife how you are feeling sooner rather than later. The worst thing you could do is to unconsciously sabotage things because you are so tired that you can't handle it anymore -- or explode unexpectedly because you were too tired to deal with a minor annoyance. Just tell her "The LARPing and RPGing is fun but I need more of a balance. I'm getting tired because I never have a down-time weekend. I want to drop either the LARP or the tabletop RPGs, or ask the group to space them out more. What do you think the best option would be?"

I have talked to her before, though not in those terms. It always turns into me gaming with everyone on Saturday night.


If so, put it in your schedule now because this time in your life will pass when kids come along.

We aren’t having children. I decided 30 years ago I didn’t want kids, and my wife has a medical condition that would make it very dangerous to get pregnant.


Good marriages often adjust. If she missed you, maybe you can have date weekends together? Away from the house where the two of you can do nothing but relax without the laundry/lawn/ironing secretly whispering your name...

That’s a good idea. We’ve done that before, but finances and weekly gaming have caused us to stop.


It sounds to me like you are experiencing burnout with the LARPing and TTRPGs. Things you enjoy doing can start to feel like "work" or a social "obligation" when you do them too much.

I have experienced the same thing many times: I play in several different local sports leagues multiple times a week, and while I greatly enjoy them it can also be burdensome when I want to just chill at home one day but feel like I can't because I "have" to play in a game that night.

My advice: Take some time to yourself that doesn't involve LARPing or TTRPG time. Whenever I take a break from my sports leagues, I often feel refreshed and regain the enjoyment I previously had for playing in them. I think a similar approach could help you. Good luck!

I can do that (I hope). As I said above, I do enjoy gaming. It just drains me so much.

[Red Fel]

Part of me is torn, though, because I do enjoy the LARP and TTRPGs once we get there and get started. I just dread them before going, and am worn out by the end of the weekend. (I’m already dreading tomorrow.)

*SNIP*

I can do that (I hope). As I said above, I do enjoy gaming. It just drains me so much.

I really enjoy steak. But it drains my wallet. (And tends to make me feel bloated afterwards.)

Too much of a good thing is still too much. Especially when it's taking you away from other things you enjoy and want to do. Yes, you enjoy it, but the dread and drain you feel are signs that it's not just fun, but also a chore.

What you need is to get back to the time that it was just fun. No dread, just pleasure. And I second those who are suggesting some "off" time. Either take a day on those weekends in between, or just periodically skip one of your LARPs - do something to break up the tedium.

Just do something, every once in awhile, to separate from this stuff. A tiny bit of distance will make it more enjoyable when you get back.

[darkrose50]

It is okay to ask for a mental health day.

I feel your pain. I have a similar problem where my wife will agree to fill up all the weekends with activities. Anything any friend, relative, or child wants to do gets scheduled. She is a burning extrovert. I want to stay home at least two weekends a month (I would settle for just one). She never wants to stay at home and just chill. So as a result we never get time together. I never get to rest at home with my family.