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Glyphic
2007-09-30, 04:03 AM
I'm currently in a campaign where we'll be facing off against gnolls, Wolves, Orcs, and all sorts of unsavory beasts. So, I humbly come to you forum goers for related, off-kilter, Bad jokes.

One such remark that got the group going was, "Watch out, there's a Gunman on that Gnoll!"

Also, dark gods/the occult should be prevelant in later sessions. So, if you've got anything that might just help keep people entertained Ic'ly or Ooc'ly, I'd be very much obliged!

Skjaldbakka
2007-09-30, 04:08 AM
Let's make like Perseus, and get Kraken.

ok, that didn't really fit the theme, but it is what came to mind.

Krimm_Blackleaf
2007-09-30, 04:28 AM
Let's make like Perseus, and get Kraken.

That's awful. I love it.:smallbiggrin:

Pronounceable
2007-09-30, 04:33 AM
What is brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNNNNNG!

I know, it's awful.

The Glyphstone
2007-09-30, 06:09 AM
"Don't worry, those zombies are vegetarians, they're harmless!"

"How can you tell?"

"Cause they're all moaning GRAAAAAAAINSSS!"

:smallbiggrin:

martyboy74
2007-09-30, 06:18 AM
Not so much a joke, but...

Gnolly gnolly gnolly gnolly gnolly!

nobodylovesyou4
2007-09-30, 07:53 AM
well, my rogue was training to be an assassain once, and the instructor said:
"well, lets get to the POINT! haha, sorry, assassain joke."

Landy
2007-09-30, 12:57 PM
Where do baby orc's come from?


The St-orc!

BardicDuelist
2007-09-30, 01:59 PM
From the PHB2: What do you do if an orc attacks you with a crossbow? Pick up the crossbow and shoot the orc!

I know it's lame, but I love that one.

Armoury99
2007-09-30, 03:24 PM
"He makes like a treant... and leaves"

"Did you know that dark elves can't swim? Push 'em in a pool and they just drown." (gosh, that's awful)

"Who many dwarves does it take to change a lamp wick? None, they can't reach: They're not troll enough!" (for this one, blame Eric from the D&D cartoon)


...And my favourite fantasy in-characterable joke of all time (sadly not mine, I read it somewhere years ago):

Q: "Why do elves have pointy ears?"
A: "Gotta be some point to elves..."

Guy_Whozevl
2007-09-30, 03:28 PM
Another PHBII one:

What did the fighter say when asked if he liked mutton?
"Sword-of."

I can hear the groans already...

BelkarIsAGod
2007-09-30, 03:33 PM
Puns of this calibre should be SHOT.

psychoticbarber
2007-09-30, 03:38 PM
Puns of this calibre should be SHOT.

Hahaha, very clever.

BelkarIsAGod
2007-09-30, 03:42 PM
:smallsmile:
Hahaha, very clever.


Thankyou.

Perhaps:
I'm exspectreing some undead soon....

Tellah
2007-10-01, 01:06 AM
A paladin takes his brand new car into the mechanic's shop to get it checked out.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asks the mechanic.
"It's the strangest thing," explains the paladin, "but every time I get behind the wheel of this car, I lose control and start running over babies, puppies, and little old ladies!"
The mechanic takes one quick look under the car and says, "Ah, I see the problem. Your alignment's off."

Quietus
2007-10-01, 06:58 AM
A paladin takes his brand new car into the mechanic's shop to get it checked out.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asks the mechanic.
"It's the strangest thing," explains the paladin, "but every time I get behind the wheel of this car, I lose control and start running over babies, puppies, and little old ladies!"
The mechanic takes one quick look under the car and says, "Ah, I see the problem. Your alignment's off."

Hahahahha, classic

SpikeFightwicky
2007-10-01, 07:15 AM
Two bards are standing on a bridge, when one of them emits a Stinking Cloud.
"I didn't know you could cast spells yet!" says one bard.
"I can't...." replies the other.


Q: What does the priest say at a necromancer's wedding?
A: Who gives this bride to be undead?


Q: What do you get when you cast Enlarge Person on a Bugbear?
A: A Bug-Dire-Bear.

I'll try to think of more...

[Edit 1]
Here we go again:

Q: How much does a necromancer's minions weigh?
A: A skele-tonne!

MagFlare
2007-10-01, 07:32 AM
"Man, that half-orc highwayman was strong."
"How strong was he?"
"Well, I just saw him holding up a carriage."

(rim shot)

"How do you murder a troupe of wandering acrobats?"
"Easy - stab them in the juggler."

(slightly less enthusiastic rim shot)

"I just saw that paladin's mount doing macramé!"
"Well, naturally. It's a hobby horse."

(extremely reluctant rim shot)

"Here's my friend. You can call him by his nickname, 'Gar.'"
"What's 'Gar' short for?"
"What'm I short for? I'm a dwarf, ye fool!"

(gunshot; the drummer has committed suicide)

And now, the grand finale:

I once knew an old druid who had a Con score of 5 but who nevertheless insisted on walking barefoot everywhere, so the skin on his feet became thick and hard. Turns out at one point during his adventuring career he offended a necromancer, who cursed him with bad breath that gave him a -2 on all Diplomacy checks. Yes, he was a... (say it with me, people)... super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Keld Denar
2007-10-01, 07:38 AM
How many Gnomes does it take to light a candle?
Just 1, but it only apears to be lit.

How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
What, you'd actually trust a halfling with your candle?

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
Three. One to sing, one to dance, and one to summon the spirit of joyful flame into the realm material.

How many Dwarves does it take to light a candle?
Three. One to count the money, one to check for stone traps/sliding panels, and one to light the candle.

How many Trolls does it take to light a candle?
Just one, but he does it very, very carefully!

And finally,
How many Half Elves does it take to light a candle?
Only one. Apparently, half elves ARE actually good at something!

SpikeFightwicky
2007-10-01, 07:41 AM
Q: What did Raymond the beholder use as the title of his memoirs?
A: I, Ray

BelkarIsAGod
2007-10-11, 11:29 PM
And finally,
How many Half Elves does it take to light a candle?
Well, six, obviously!

Fixed it for you:smallwink:.

Icewalker
2007-10-12, 12:51 AM
And now, the grand finale:

I once knew an old druid who had a Con score of 5 but who nevertheless insisted on walking barefoot everywhere, so the skin on his feet became thick and hard. Turns out at one point during his adventuring career he offended a necromancer, who cursed him with bad breath that gave him a -2 on all Diplomacy checks. Yes, he was a... (say it with me, people)... super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

You are a terrible person.

I say this in jest of course. That is ridiculous. And I'm going to spread it like the plague.

SpikeFightwicky
2007-10-12, 09:58 AM
Q: What did the knight say to the medieval slave stuck in a tree?

A: Serf's up!

psychoticbarber
2007-10-12, 10:09 AM
Half orc barbarian has two horses, and can't tell them apart, so he goes to the fighter and says, "I can't tell my two horses apart!"

The fighter tells him to try cutting the tail off one. The half-orc barbarian goes off, and a couple days later walks up to the rogue, saying "I can't tell my horses apart, the fighter suggested I cut the tail off one, but it grew back!"

So the rogue suggests he cuts the mane off one. The half-orc barbarian goes back, and a couple days later approaches the wizard, saying "I can't tell my horses apart, the fighter suggested I cut the tail off one, but it grew back, and the rogue told me to try cutting the mane off one, but it grew back...what do I do?"

The wizard says, "Have you tried measuring them?"

The Half-Orc Barbarian returns 5 minutes later and says to the Wizard, "I measured them, and it worked!...

...The black one is half a hand taller than the white one."

Nerd-o-rama
2007-10-12, 12:32 PM
And now, the grand finale:

I once knew an old druid who had a Con score of 5 but who nevertheless insisted on walking barefoot everywhere, so the skin on his feet became thick and hard. Turns out at one point during his adventuring career he offended a necromancer, who cursed him with bad breath that gave him a -2 on all Diplomacy checks. Yes, he was a... (say it with me, people)... super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Already done with Gandhi, but still awesome.

Telonius
2007-10-12, 12:46 PM
(Hat tip to Eddie on this one)
Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken!

Q: Which class is the stupidest joke of them all?
A: The Aristocrats!

Just Alex
2007-10-12, 01:08 PM
Some bard humor

Bard 1) An E-flat, B-flat, and G-flat walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors".
Bard 2) That struck a chord
Bard 1) Careful with those puns, they'll get you in treble
Bard 2) But they're key to my humor
Bard 1) I suppose they're very noteworthy

Telonius
2007-10-12, 01:13 PM
(To an undead being controlled by a Necromancer): You know, he only likes you for your body.

(To a cultist, as you disrupt his attempt to summon an elder horror): Sorry, Cthulhu's on my Do-Not-Call list.

Swordguy
2007-10-12, 01:16 PM
One day a group of evil monks rode into town. They bought a flower shop, and proceeded to create all sorts of vegeterian horrors by which they dominated the townsfolk. Anyone going near their place was consumed by savage plantlife.
This situation persisted until, one day, a Fighter called Hugh Swordsman rode into town, killed the plantlife, and drove off the monks, freeing the city.

The moral of the story is that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent unsafe florist friars.

Swooper
2007-10-12, 01:29 PM
Q Why do female orcs always wear high heels?
A So they don't hurt their knuckles when they drag along the ground.

You did want bad jokes, right?

Telonius
2007-10-12, 01:53 PM
So, an 20th-level Wizard loses a fight to a Monk. The wizard is understandably stupefied as to how this could possibly happen. "How'd you manage to beat me? I cast all of my contingencies, time stop, celerity, all that stuff. The perfect spells, all cast properly. How could you possibly have won?"

The Monk smiles, and hands a piece of paper to him. On it is inscribed some runes: "Internet user."

"What is it?" asked the Wizard "It must be a truly powerful artifact!"

"Oh yeah, I got it from the Artificer down the street. He says anybody with one of these is immune from proper Spelling."

Landy
2007-10-12, 06:41 PM
Two rangers met in the woods and began to talk about their adventures. The first ranger was talking about his latest encounter.

"There was this one woman blocking the entrance to the cave. No matter how nicely I asked, she wouldn't move. So I started getting angry and she still would not budge. I got so angry I was just about to..."

"Fight her?" the second ranger interrupted.

"No, I'm pretty sure she was a druid."

Grod_The_Giant
2007-10-12, 07:37 PM
So a cleric, a wizard, and a bard walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says "this is a joke, right?"

Cade Shadow
2007-10-12, 08:12 PM
These jokes are so punny. its so much pun to make joke this awful.

Tyrael
2007-10-12, 08:19 PM
These jokes are so punny. its so much pun to make joke this awful.

Are you sure? Some of them are pretty pun-punny to me. Maybe I don't have the right sense of humor for it, but I DO have infinite Wisdom, so we'll call it 50-50.

Cocky
2007-10-12, 09:57 PM
Rogues do it from behind.

Fhaolan
2007-10-12, 11:57 PM
Right. *rolls up sleeves*

I knew this wizard once, bit of a drinker. Every evening he would be at the pub, getting sozzled. Then he'd wind his way through the streets trying to find his tower, usually ending up in a horse-trough on some side-street.

So I told him he really should cut back and all. It was getting hazzardous on those streets, with thugs and ruffians and the like, all vying for his purse.

"Nonsense," he said, "I've got a better idea."

So he goes and enchants some shoes. Magic shoes. Intelligent shoes. To walk him home when he's drunk, you see.

And it works great. For almost a year. Then, apparantly, the shoes were getting bored. Pub to tower, tower to pub, day after day. The shoes wanted more out of life. The wizard started to wake up in other places. Other people's houses, in dark alleys far away from his tower, even jail once and he never did find out why.

He drew the line when he woke up halfway to the next kingdom over. He took the shoes and locked them in the closet.

They kicked down the door, forced themselves on his feet and took off. He was just leaving the city gates when got off the right spells to pull him out of the shoes. They kept going, though, and didn't look back.

It was a month later that found out what happened to them. They had hijacked a horse and cart to make better speed and had an accident. The horse had swerved, and the cart went sailing off a cliff. The shoes had been destroyed in the crash. Couldn't steer you see, no hands.

The wizard was heartbroken. No matter how nasty the shoes had gotten, he had created them, and they had just wanted to see the world. They were his children, and now they were gone. So he went to a former adventurer friend of his, a cleric, for some advice and solice.

"Ah, my son," said the cleric, "Never ye worry. They will be safe in afterworld, on the feet of one of the gods."

"But how?" says the wizard, "I made them. How could they go to the afterworld?"

"But of course they'll go to the afterworld, son..."

"For ye see, shoes have soles."

*Fhaolan runs for the door.*

Magnvo
2007-10-13, 01:12 AM
So, an 20th-level Wizard loses a fight to a Monk. The wizard is understandably stupefied as to how this could possibly happen. "How'd you manage to beat me? I cast all of my contingencies, time stop, celerity, all that stuff. The perfect spells, all cast properly. How could you possibly have won?"

The Monk smiles, and hands a piece of paper to him. On it is inscribed some runes: "Internet user."

"What is it?" asked the Wizard "It must be a truly powerful artifact!"

"Oh yeah, I got it from the Artificer down the street. He says anybody with one of these is immune from proper Spelling."

This made me speechless. This is just terrible. In a good way.

BraveSirBevier
2008-11-06, 09:52 PM
Let's make like Perseus, and get Kraken.

Ha! I thought I was the only one who says this! I often get strange looks, because most people don't understand. When did you start saying it?

Sstoopidtallkid
2008-11-06, 09:58 PM
http://www.game-warden.com/starfox/Non_SF_related_stuff/JS47/Thread_Necromancy.jpg

elliott20
2008-11-06, 10:35 PM
oh god... this thread is a riot.

Nero24200
2008-11-07, 05:44 AM
Rogues do it from behind.
Warlocks can go all night long

Heliomance
2008-11-07, 06:10 AM
Right. *rolls up sleeves*

I knew this wizard once, bit of a drinker. Every evening he would be at the pub, getting sozzled. Then he'd wind his way through the streets trying to find his tower, usually ending up in a horse-trough on some side-street.

So I told him he really should cut back and all. It was getting hazzardous on those streets, with thugs and ruffians and the like, all vying for his purse.

"Nonsense," he said, "I've got a better idea."

So he goes and enchants some shoes. Magic shoes. Intelligent shoes. To walk him home when he's drunk, you see.

And it works great. For almost a year. Then, apparantly, the shoes were getting bored. Pub to tower, tower to pub, day after day. The shoes wanted more out of life. The wizard started to wake up in other places. Other people's houses, in dark alleys far away from his tower, even jail once and he never did find out why.

He drew the line when he woke up halfway to the next kingdom over. He took the shoes and locked them in the closet.

They kicked down the door, forced themselves on his feet and took off. He was just leaving the city gates when got off the right spells to pull him out of the shoes. They kept going, though, and didn't look back.

It was a month later that found out what happened to them. They had hijacked a horse and cart to make better speed and had an accident. The horse had swerved, and the cart went sailing off a cliff. The shoes had been destroyed in the crash. Couldn't steer you see, no hands.

The wizard was heartbroken. No matter how nasty the shoes had gotten, he had created them, and they had just wanted to see the world. They were his children, and now they were gone. So he went to a former adventurer friend of his, a cleric, for some advice and solice.

"Ah, my son," said the cleric, "Never ye worry. They will be safe in afterworld, on the feet of one of the gods."

"But how?" says the wizard, "I made them. How could they go to the afterworld?"

"But of course they'll go to the afterworld, son..."

"For ye see, shoes have soles."

*Fhaolan runs for the door.*
Yeah, I saw where that one was going. You better run!

sparky22
2008-11-07, 08:17 AM
Right. *rolls up sleeves*

I knew this wizard once, bit of a drinker.

*snipped*

"For ye see, shoes have soles."

*Fhaolan runs for the door.*

I knew where that was going too, there's a version of it in an episode of Red Dwarf. :smallbiggrin:

Celeres
2008-11-07, 08:32 AM
so the gnome tinker says to the other "That's no warforged, that's my wife."

Duke of URL
2008-11-07, 08:54 AM
So, an ogre, a half-giant, and a goliath walk into a bar... but the halfling manages to duck beneath it.

Celeres
2008-11-07, 09:03 AM
an elf, a human, and a half-orc group of rangers are hunting deer.

the elf heads out, and comes back with a deer in an hour. the other two are like "how'd you do it?" The elf says "i used my survival skill, and i followed to tracks, followed the tracks until i shot the deer."

the human sets out, comes back in a half hour with a deer. the other two are astonished. "how'd you do it?" "i used my survival skill, followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks and shot the deer."

so the half orc sets out. 6 hours later he hasn't come back, so the human and elf try to find him. they find him practically cut in half, and they ask him what happened.

"well, i used my survival skill, and i followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks then BAM i got hit by a train."

*and the rest is for me, cause i can't resist*
Jeff: what the f*ck is this, eberron? f*cking trains and robots and sh*t, this is f*cking dnd, not transformers!

Suzuro
2008-11-07, 09:15 AM
Necromancer's love the dead....frequently...


-Suzuro

Quincunx
2008-11-07, 09:20 AM
so the gnome tinker says to the other "That's no warforged, that's my wife."

*sigh* Mechasexuals. . .

Artificer? I hardly knew 'er!

Telonius left out any amount of embellishment between the question and answer of "Which class is the greatest joke of them all?", but board rules etc. etc.

Studoku
2008-11-07, 03:16 PM
There's alway the classic:

How many PCs does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them- don't split the party.

Innis Cabal
2008-11-07, 03:18 PM
Where do you find a dog with no legs



Right where you left it

KazilDarkeye
2008-11-07, 06:18 PM
"Knock Knock"

"Who's There"

"Interrupting Zombie"

"Interrupt-"
"BRAINS!"



Party Wizard: Say party cleric, what's the difference between a Wand of Cure Light Wounds and a Wand of Lightning Bolt?
Party Cleric: I don't know, what is the difference?
Party Wizard: I think I'll use potions until you put ranks in Use Magic Device.

Roderick_BR
2008-11-07, 08:16 PM
Since this was brought from the dead...

Q: How many clerics you need to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, to cast "cure light".

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the heck out of it.

OOTS_Rules 2
2008-11-07, 08:24 PM
Why did the druid cross the road?

To get to the forest!

((OK, that sucked. Majorly))

Doomsy
2008-11-07, 08:24 PM
"Guards, that halfling spirit shaman escaped from his cell last night. We have a small medium at large."


"Knock knock."
"Who is there?"
"Hastur!"
"Hastur who?"
"Hastur oh shi-"

Prometheus
2008-11-07, 08:31 PM
reminds me of the monster insulting thread. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=92980)

Good times. "Good times", being like a month ago, but still.

SoD
2008-11-07, 11:31 PM
From the PHB2: What do you do if an orc attacks you with a crossbow? Pick up the crossbow and shoot the orc!

...I accidentally made a goblin do that to my party. In a thrilling exhibition of my DMing power, I accidentally said 'throws his crossbow' instead of 'fires his crossbow'...the party wouldn't let me take it back...

Glyphic
2008-11-07, 11:34 PM
O...Kay.

The creepiest thing about this thread, is I just started playing the character again, after the campaign went on Hiatus. Same campaign. Same Character. Still using bad jokes.

Ravens_cry
2008-11-08, 12:04 AM
A druid goes into town with his animal companion, a male white tale deer. He immediately goes to the resident and proceeds to buy as much alchemist fire as he can get, and offers to prepay for more later. The alchemist gladly takes the order, but being of a curious nature, he asks the druid why he wants all this fire power.
The druid answers. . .
"Simple, I want more bang for my buck."

Brewdude
2008-11-08, 12:59 AM
What do you hear when you miss the orc and hit it's mount?

WAAAARRRRRG


What do you get when you cross an orc and a wolf?

Gnoll telling...

ColonelFuster
2008-11-08, 01:14 AM
Once, a character was captured and I had the orcs tell disgusting jokes to her. Like, "What's the difference between an elf and a human? Elves don't have babies after you bleep! them."
A good form of jokes in DnD are "anti-jokes."
How many adventurers does it take to use a wand of daylight?
*Looks around the table with a stupid grin*
Just one. Especially if they're a spellcaster.
It generally results in "WTF" faces all around.
Also, Rick Rolling people, when you set up a stereo and play various sound effects, then for the boss battle that you've been hyping, play "never gonna give you up" and have a batlle with a third-level half-elf bard.
Good times.
If you haven't noticed, i'm pretty much the worst DM ever.

Desilva
2008-11-08, 07:22 PM
If you haven't noticed, i'm pretty much the worst DM ever.



Yes. Yes you are.

It would be an honor to play in one of your games.

Starbuck_II
2008-11-08, 07:36 PM
Also, Rick Rolling people, when you set up a stereo and play various sound effects, then for the boss battle that you've been hyping, play "never gonna give you up" and have a batlle with a third-level half-elf bard.
Good times.
If you haven't noticed, i'm pretty much the worst DM ever.


You Rick roll in real life: that is priceless.