Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[HeraldOfExius]

"I should have possessed the devil!"

[Guizonde]

me: hold up, are you actively trying to put us in a situation where suicide is the most logical way of solving things?

...

me: hold up, i was wrong. violence always solves the problem. i forgot.

[Telok]

"You need a 100 for that." "I got 8 keep 5 plus five. No way." "Overchannel gets you to 10 keep 6." "You keep willpower so it's a stat roll, spend a blood point for another die." "But you need two more rolled dice to get to keep 7." "Say something awesome when you cast the spell, that's worth a stunt die right?" "Sure. So 10 keep 7 trying for 100." "Plus five." "By Vectron's flaming ***** I command you! Rise my undead minion! Rise!" <rolls 10d10> "Is that five 10s?" "The dice want this. Roll those explodes." "Fine. You have a baby space kaiju zombie with a plasma cannon hole through the middle. I'll stat it next week."


"You open the bay doors and turn off the stasis fields. A million dragon chibis die horrible deaths in hard vaccum. Each one as smart as the elf, and better looking too until the eyeballs burst." "Nine hundred nintey nine thousand, eight hundred and eighty." "Right. I forgot you were keeping a murder score."

[dunfluff]

NPC: We move around a lot, were nomads, it’s kind of our thing.
Alum: well were allmad here.

Alum: then my armor is +2 and holy
Lonji: isn’t that the opposite of what armor is supposed to be?
Alum: not that kind of holey

Horell: didn’t we turn off the storm?
Alum: have you tried turning the storm off and on again?

Koja: I think we are near a holy place
Sasani: well we need a hole to get through the mountain

GM: you see a relief in the wall.
Alum: technically a relief is (long-winded speech of what relief is)
Scar: (OOC) or you know just a toilet in the wall
GM: not that kind of relief!
Scar: (OOC) if you’ve read the bible you would know it says damnation without relief

GM: I said bones! Yetis do not carry boats!

NPC: but it ate my foot!
Lonji: LOOK, FEET ARE A REPLENISHABLE RESOURSE!
Alum: No need to feel defeated.

Lonji: Look, there’s only about 15000 skulls here. No need to be worried.

Lonji: let’s see... are they Bethesda zombies or walking dead zombies?
Alum: Well, we did see them clip through the walls.
Lonji: Bethesda it is

Horell: Horse MVP

Scar: wouldn’t that be worse? I would have shat my pants.
Horell: you’re not wearing pants.
Lonji: he’s wearing a full plate, that has to be worse.

GM: Zombies goes down the hole.

Horell: we already know that the zombies are not alive, is it still standing?
GM: Yes, they are still standing.
Lonji: Now let’s see if I am.
Roll: 1
(lonji goes down the hole)

Alum: you guys can handle the zombie?
Sasani: Yes!
Horell: Yes, go save our idiot.

Horell: We don’t know where the wall is.
GM: Well it is kind of hard to miss scar slamming into it headfirst, clawing at it impotently and raging at it in general
Horell: oh.

Lonji: I don’t care if I’m weak as ----, stick me!

Scar: is it a trap?
GM: Technically it is trap shaped...

Lonji: Skulls are less intimidating than demon heads. I mean we passed 15000 of them already.

Sasani: what’s behind door number 1 and 2?
GM: you see headless corpses, their heads covered in red lacquer and placed to the left of their bodies. They are wrapped in scarps of decaying clothes. You see a few copper trinkets strewn around the graves with a few glints of silver nestled in.
Sasani: I go forwards to the next 2 doors.
GM: You see headless corpses, their heads placed...
Sasani: I go forwards.
GM: you see headless...
Sasani: Forwards.
Gm: you see...
Sasani: Forwards
Sasani: Forwards
Sasani: Forwards
GM: you slam headfirst into the door.

Lonji: Let them hear the battle cry of my people!
Lonji: yodelaiho!

Lonji: I’m scared
Scar: your yodeling has failed you.

Lonji: Did you just miniature stab me with a miniature rapier? I’m so proud of you.

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "Probably tastes like a big recess people butter cup?"
[Beat]
Doc: "Peanut butter cup. Geez, autocorrect."
Rime: "Only the freshest ground people."

[Guizonde]

Doc: "Probably tastes like a big recess people butter cup?"
[Beat]
Doc: "Peanut butter cup. Geez, autocorrect."
Rime: "Only the freshest ground people."

cannibalism. for when you are fed up with people.

[TrashTrash]

"I hoist (PC) over my head and yell 'NO!'"

"Does a tail count as an unarmed strike?"
"I don't know, dO YoU stIlL hAVe arMs?"

"Here, this is magical cocaine for your Kobold buddy down there."
"Great."

"I want to haggle with the guard about my bail, make it only 1 gp."
DM: "Roll for it."
"Yes!"
"I also want to haggle, but I want to get both Timbo and I out for free."
DM: *sigh* "Fine, roll."
"IT WORKED!"

DM: "The goblins climb the tree to get away from you psychopaths."
"I cast Fireball on the tree."
DM:"The goblins are on fire now. You can hear their screams of agony as their skin burns away."
(OOC) "How much XP is that worth?"
DM (OOC): "I'm very tempted to not give any of you any XP. That was horrifying."

"What color is the pocket dimension?"

"I snort a bag of cocaine."
"Wait, those things are like, 2 pounds of cocaine. Are you sure?"
"I snort a bag of cocaine.
DM (OOC): "You guys are just gonna let him?"
ALL: "Yeah."
"(Fighter) has to carry him, though."

DM: "After getting the snot beaten out of you by the racist guards, you enter the city. You see a festival going on, with a giant statue of Thor in the middle. People are drinking, praising Thor, and wielding hammers. Suddenly, the clouds open and Thor himself descends to join the fun. You-"
"I want to challenge Thor."
(Rogue, OOC): "You're barely above a death save, please do not."
(Fighter, OOC): "Yeah, and none of us could beat a literal GOD right now."
"What's he gonna do, zAp mE?

"You speak Celestial?"
"No, I cast Comprehend Languages like, two seconds before I opened the door."
"Oh."
"Don't tell the others."

[Florian]

Ranger: Ok, what's up?
Dwarf: We are crossing a flimsy rope bridge across an underground river. All around us, some things that look like Beholders are floating in the air.
Ranger: I draw my bow and full attack with all my feats, Rapid Shot and Multishot!
Ranger rolls: That's three crits! Yay!
DM: The gas balloons explode, incinerating the rope bridge, everyone falls into the river bellow, you all take x fire damage, y falling damage, now roll Fort Saves because the water is freezing cold... All except Ranger, as she still stands at the mouth of the cavern...

Context? Well, the player of Ranger was a fresh mum, exciting the room to look after her toddler. Whenever she returned, her first answer was to shoot something....

[DigoDragon]

cannibalism. for when you are fed up with people.

Ha! Good one. :3


GM: "...Welp. Sachni just killed a giant bat in two punches." :smalltongue:
Ellie: "The long awaited anime sequel, Two-Punch Girl?"
GM: "Err... wait, my mistake. She does still kill it, but it took all three strikes."
Ellie: "And executive meddling ruins the new series."

[ZeroGear]

June: "That is a BIG robot..."
Giant Robot: "Hello friends! Want some toast?"
Psycho Flamethrower: "HE gets a giant robot body? That's just not fair!"

June: "That's a lot of robots..."
Nova: "Guess it's time for my Ultimate Technique!"
NH: "Ultimate Technique?"
Nova: "Indeed, it's my final move!"
June: "What are you planning to do?"
Nova: "I'll use my speedy and well toned legs..."
NH: "You'll use your legs to..."
Nova: "RUN FOR MY LIFE!"
June: "...I'm not even surprised by this anymore."

Dan: "Ok, so frontal assault's out. And we'd be sitting ducks in the air... Any bright ideas?"
Marv: "Maybe we can tunnel under it?"
NH: "Not unless you know how to win over some Diamond Dogs."
Nova: "...LET US PREPARE GIFTS OF MILKBONES AND CHEWTOYS!"

Dan: *Glares at Nova*
Nova: "What?"
Dan: "You just had to get them started, didn't you?"
Nova: "This world runs on music, and it's motivating them!"
Rover (lead Diamond Dog): *singing* "Diamond Dogs digging a hole!"
Rest of Pack: "Diggy Diggy Hole! Digging a Hole!"

Twilight: "Just got word that Hunter's group is under the base."
Marv: "Then it's time for a distraction."
June: "FIRE THE BASS CANNON!"
Vinyl Scratch: *drops the beat*

[DigoDragon]

Rest of Pack: "Diggy Diggy Hole! Digging a Hole!"

So that song is now stuck in my head. Thanks. :smalltongue:


Doc: (grabs a rifle) "Please don't pee on my hooves like the last one."

[Telonius]

"The only thing lower than my intellect is my wisdom."

"Oh, man, another thing that eats souls?"

"But he's too pretty to attack!"
"That never stopped them from attacking you."

"You have successfully intimidated the demon lord."

[Guizonde]

what started as a homebrew one-shot will become at least a 2 parter! here are the dramatis personnae in another installment of the wacky dalarium chronicles!


vincent of whitechapel: corpse artist and philanthropist from great britain, locked in stasis since the 22nd century ad.
boris: spetznaz and beastmaster, part of a special project to increase artificially the intelligence of rats. also from the 22nd century ad.
lazarus: dwarf engineer, pretty old, locked in cold storage from around about the year 6900 ad for blowing up a maternity ward, accidentally.
ricard: tribal warrior. very young, impetuous, locked up for war crimes since around about year 7000 ad.
the beast: a perfect hybrid between a giant rat and a grizzly bear.



dm: so you are all thrown in a room with a variety of close combat weapons inside.
ricard: i pick up a mine bar and try to stay calm.
vincent: now why do you think we'll have to fight it out, my tribal friend?
ricard: call it knowledge 4th wall.

lazarus: spared insanity points by my near-sightedness.

dm: you hit the rat-ogre so hard you dent your mine bar in the shape of its face.

vince: i chop a corpse in two and fling it at the giant rats! *rolls* *fails*
the beast: the beast looks at you quizzically. what the hell was that?

the beast: what do i hear and smell?
dm: you hear the rat ogre whimpering: "not cool dude, that really hurt! oh crap i think he broke my tooth!"
the beast: sweet! that makes me the alpha!

vincent: what kind of lousy test is this?
lazarus: i don't even know what i'm supposed to read!
ricard: pff, it's just a few quadratic equations, it's no big deal.
laz: *blinks*
vince: uh, isn't he supposed to be the dumb muscle?

dm: the guards want you to tame the beast.
boris: what do they think i am, some kind of pied piper? *plays the theremin*

dm: ok, so the beast and boris are trying to assert dominance on the other.
the beast: *growls*
boris: *plays the theremin*
the beast:*forces boris to sit down with a paw then sits down next to him*
boris: yay! i'm the alpha.
the beast: glad to see he's happy that i'm the alpha
laz ooc: this won't end well.

npc: so you see those collars y'all are wearing? yeah, they've got a gps tracker in it, and two modes. shock collar or bomb collar. you don't want to screw with those.
laz: i'm totally gonna screw with those.
ricard: i'll help.

electronic voice: please. elect. team. leader.
ricard: what does a team leader have to do?
laz: basically catch flak for the rest of the team when things go wrong.
ricard: so, just like being front-line in a warzone. i'll do it.
vince: oh good, i didn't want to designate you as a volunteer.

electronic voice: team leader. bring your team to briefing room 2b.
ricard: after the coffee.
electronic voice: now.
ricard: you think i have authority over those people?!

vincent: are we teaching savages how to play tarot?
boris: i guess so.
vincent: pass the whisky.

vince: so the white guards have got this little "pweek-pweek" button attached to their gloves that hand out either shocks or detonations?
dm: yup.
vince: are the guards wearing shock collars too?
dm: yup.
ricard: great, now we need one of those pweek-pweeks to pweek-pweek the guards before they pweek-pweek us!
laz: only in the dalarium can you say that with a straight face, folks!

vince: ricard's gonna die over there, and more importantly me too!
laz: dude, i've got a pea shooter, i can't do anything! boris!
boris: what am i supposed to do?
vince: you're the beastmaster! get the beast over here!
boris: you think i control that thing?!

dm: while your friends are surrounded by explosions, what do you do?
the beast: they're not my friends. i keep eating my kill.
team ooc: BEAST!
the beast: oh, alright. sheesh.

vince: i know! i'll throw a corpse at the guards!
laz: yeah, because it worked so well last time.

ricard: finally! i killed a guard! vince! get to da pweek-pweek!

gypsy mercenary: now, we let you have your freedom, but you give us the stuff from the killed guards.
vince: now, hold on! that's not fair, you didn't even help out in the fight!
ricard: everybody shut up!
everyone: *blinks*
ricard: when i went to sleep, it was during a horrible war where i was fighting an authoritarian society. i saw my friends die. i get locked up in cryo-stasis for a bazillion and a half years. i wake up, some douchecanoe throws me in an arena. i kill things. they make me do math and put a bomb collar on me. they make me dig for ore, and they try to blow me up because "oolala perfect eugenic society" my ass on a piece of ryebread. i've only killed a few. i don't know what the hell is going on, so either help me kill more of those bastards and bring down their society or get out of my way. you helping?
gypsy mercenary: ... *huge smile* i see mister tribal over here knows how to speak gypsy! murder, vengeance and chaos is what we do!

vince: i build a scale replica of the city out of corpses and organs!
ricard: *chewing on a guard's dismembered arm* that's pretty cool, i like how you used kidneys as train wagons.
laz: what kind of sick team did i get thrown into?

boris: the beast is hungry. i go get a corpse.
ricard: i throw the arm i was eating at the beast. it tastes too bland.
dm: how not to bond with your pet 101.

vince: i do a charisma check to look even deader!
team: *marion cotillard imitations*

boris: i summon the rat swarms to attack the guards! *plays the theremin*
dm: it's very... not effective.

the beast: i charge the two guards.
dm: *rolls* you smell fecal matter. lots of it.

team: noooooo, not favorite npc number 3! we liked him!

me: just to be clear, "short-fatso" is now technically a name in this universe.
boris: awesome.

vince: ok, prisoner, you telling us anything or do i have to get my tribal over here to knock some sense into you?
ricard: easy or sautéed with parsley. the choice is yours.

ricard: i waterboard the prisoner in viscera.*snorts* nope, sorry, couldn't say it with a straight face!

dm: you figure out how the buggy works. but the problem is you're too short to reach the pedals or see over the dash.
laz: here comes ingenuity!
*5 minutes later*
laz: pedal stilts and a baby chair! finest dalarian engineering at work!

boris: i try to make the beast understand to get into the buggy.
the beast: nah, i keep eating my corpse.
vince: why don't we tie a corpse to the back of the buggy?
dm: *grins* i like the way you think.

dm: thanks to talking to the rat-human hybrid, the beast's mind is blown. he can now associate two things as a concept!
the beast: cue "mind blown" memes!

ricard: is the beast ok?
the beast: human-rat? wooooooaaaah
boris: probably.
vince: he's drooling.
the beast: human-female? woooooooooaaaaaaaah
laz: great, knowing our luck, that flea-bag will end up the genius of the group.
the beast: tools? human-claws!

vince: so long, short-fatso. good luck to you, here's a gun, and let me get your bomb-collar off.
short-fatso: thanks guys. you're nuts. i'm gonna re-evaluate my life choices now.
boris: you and me both.
short-fatso: hey, laz, why are you sticking around?
laz: have you seen how deadly they are? i'll risk a few insanity points for an increased life-span.

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "For pastel horses, this is pretty restrictive wasteland bureaucracy."

[Guizonde]

laz ooc: you forgot about the gratuitous cannibalism.
vince: yeah, i've got a bone to pick with that.

[ZeroGear]

Marv: "Looks like we're in."
Nova: "And no guards in sight!"
Victor the giant guard: "Well, well, well. We meet again."
Marv: "...I blame you."

June: "Who knew bubblegum-cake-batter made such great ammunition?"
Pinkie Pie: "I know, right?"

Nova: "I would rather not let the discount Juggernaut Jim Henson me, thank you very much!"

Dan: "I wonder how they're fairing."
*side of the base explodes*
MoP: "Does that answer your question?"

NH: "Do I look like a multitool to you?"
Marv: "Is that a trick question?"

Nova: "Oooooh! What does this button do?"
Marv: "Channel your inner Dee Dee and find out."

Princess Celestia: "It is a shame you cannot stay any longer."
Dan: "Well, you know, duty calls."
June: "And I miss the feeling of technology."
Nova: "Plus I'm running low on Surge. Only got one left."
Marv: "The one that Twilight's drinking right now?"
*Beat*
NH: "Here we go again."

[notXanathar]

I fingergun curiously.

[TherianTheorist]

"I have a reputation to keep, at least until I have a big enough name that theft gets to be expected, and easily forgiven."

[shelledhound]

"Imagine the little mermaid where Ariel is singing on the rocks but instead of Ariel it's a mer-dwarf."

[LordCdrMilitant]

Armessar [Eldar Ranger]: "How is it not a restroom if it has a bed in it?"

[malachi]

New PCs, because last campaign kind of kersplatted due to overly difficult encounter and PC stupidity). Although 2 sessions into this one, and it looks like it might go the same direction (although mostly because of PC choices this time)...

Barry: half-elf Devotion paladin. Grew up on a farm. Sounds like a hick, according to Eerie.
Eerie: Goliath Devotion paladin. Half cloud giant. Got picked on so he had to leave home.
Dis: Tiefling Lore Bard / lawyer training in the Hells. Or Abyss. I forget which one the lawful fiends are from. Sounds very british.
Rain: Half-Vedalken Illusionist Wizard.

All characters share the same father who is, according to the DM, of the bardic persuasion.


Eerie: "How light are you?"
DM: "About 50 to 60 feet."



Barry: "I'll hold 'em off. Run!"
...
Dis, OOC: "Wait, you meant to run away?"



Eerie: "Now that we've rested, we can go right back to the outpost that scared us off earlier and finish killing everything."
Barry: "Yer plan ain't so good. They're sure to of put up more o' them guards."
Eerie: "Are you calling me stupid?"
Barry: "I di'n say that."
Dis: "That sounds like something I would say."
Barry: "Well, I do listen t'ya."


Barry: " 'ave ya ever looked at 'n ant hill?"
Eerie: "No."
Barry, OOC: *head desk*





laz ooc: you forgot about the gratuitous cannibalism.
vince: yeah, i've got a bone to pick with that.

Me: That's the spirit.
Necromancer: Sorry, didn't mean to let him loose.


Marv: "Looks like we're in."
Nova: "And no guards in sight!"
Victor the giant guard: "Well, well, well. We meet again."
Marv: "...I blame you."

June: "Who knew bubblegum-cake-batter made such great ammunition?"
Pinkie Pie: "I know, right?"

Nova: "I would rather not let the discount Juggernaut Jim Henson me, thank you very much!"

Dan: "I wonder how they're fairing."
*side of the base explodes*
MoP: "Does that answer your question?"

NH: "Do I look like a multitool to you?"
Marv: "Is that a trick question?"

Nova: "Oooooh! What does this button do?"
Marv: "Channel your inner Dee Dee and find out."

Princess Celestia: "It is a shame you cannot stay any longer."
Dan: "Well, you know, duty calls."
June: "And I miss the feeling of technology."
Nova: "Plus I'm running low on Surge. Only got one left."
Marv: "The one that Twilight's drinking right now?"
*Beat*
NH: "Here we go again."

How many of these characters are ponies, again?

[NRSASD]

Kenku: Points at swamp "Swamp!"
Points at self "From Swamp!"
Points at Grung "Family?"
Grung: "You are nothing to me"
Goliath: "Oooo disowned by Kermit"

[DigoDragon]

How many of these characters are ponies, again?

Not enough. :smallbiggrin:


GM: "I'll pay you to draw that, with the butter."

Mirror: "There's something on the back of the ladder."
Doc: "Something on the rung side of the--wow, that came out without even thinking about it."

Trap: Days since last rogue: *resets counter to 0*

Doc: *opens the box*
GM: "Inside you find a silver statue of the spider queen with rubies for eyes."
Doc: *closes the box* "That's a big box of NOPE."
Max: "What's a nope?"
Doc: *opens the box again*
Max: "...NOPE."
Doc: *closes the box*

GM: "Roll me an Investigate check."
Max: *rolls* "Oooh, interesting..."
GM: "You roll at least a 10?"
Max: "I rolled a 2."

Doc: "It's tattooed on her butt."
Azriel: "Is that where it is? Wait, why are you looking--"
Doc: "Sarcasm, not observation!"

Mirror: "I rub Doc against my chest and then stick him to the wall."

Doc: "How is the dragon stealthier than I am?!"
Azriel: "Well, I don't wear any armor."
Doc: "But you're the size of a dragon!"
Azriel: "Um... did you mean to say that?"
Doc: *angry horse noises*

GM: "The Dreidel song doesn't need a low-bass dance remix."

Max: "Go ahead and run. You'll just die tired."
Hell Hound: *runs away*
Max: *crits on his rifle shot*
GM: "Okay the hound drops dead from Rule of Cool."

Doc: "I'm a bard of inspiration, not timing."

[Guizonde]

"oh, they're eating people! good thing we brought bibles!"

[Telok]

"But nuking stuff from orbit is so expensive. Lets just use the Shadows. Teleport a few into a city."

"Simple. We tell them we've doomed the planet and that we'll give the best interior decorator a ride out when we leave."

[malachi]

New character joined!
Lyne: Half-Tabaxi Hunter Ranger. Showed up a few late 'cause he was in jail.

Barry: half-elf Devotion paladin. Grew up on a farm. Sounds like a hick, according to Eerie.
Eerie: Goliath Devotion paladin. Half cloud giant. Got picked on so he had to leave home.
Dis: Tiefling Lore Bard / lawyer training in the Hells. Or Abyss. I forget which one the lawful fiends are from. Sounds very british.
Rain: Half-Vedalken Illusionist Wizard.


10 hour sessions are fun. But we survived!

Everyone at the table: *silence*
Dis, OOC: "I killed a goblin w/ vicious mockery!"

Lyne: "We're with the kingdom's census department. How many goblins are in the mountain?"
DM: "Roll Deception"
Lyne: *fails*
Goblin: "You were supposed to be here last week!"

Barry: "Get away while I hold them off!"
Dis: *refuses; casts vicious mockery 3 more times, killing the hobgoblin captain*

Eerie: *holding Lyne in a fireman carry*
Hobgoblins: *miss Eerie 3 times with bows, hit Lyne 3 times*
Dis: "You really have a meat shield this time!"

Dis, OOC: "My scroll of pedigree is written in blood."
Barry, OOC: "Whose blood?"
Dis, OOC: *shrugs*

Eerie, OOC: "It's amazing how rich people don't like Abe Lincoln."

DM, OOC: "He's a young Gandalf."
Barry, OOC: "But blue."
DM and Eerie, OOC: "Bluedalf."

DM, as party: "We just killed 100 goblins - easy."
DM, as NPC: "What's your name?"
DM, as party: "We quit!"

Dis: *jazz fingers*

Barry: "You ready to do this, Eerie?"
Eerie: *nods*
*both charge towards the makeshift barricade*
Eerie: *Thunderous Smites the barricade, killing 8 goblins behind it*
Barry: *tries to shoulder tackle barricade, stumbles, looks awkward*

Barry: "They're in fireball formation! Too bad we're only level 4..."
Rain: "Yeah. Too bad." *pulls out scroll* *one goblin lives, because he was outside the range*

DM, OOC: "Lyne, if you multiclass Rogue, you could be a half-catburglar!"
Dis, OOC: "Wouldn't it make him a half-cat half-burglar?"


MVP: Vicious mockery - killed 4 of the 5 minibosses (dealing at least 50% of the damage each took, as well)
Runner up: Sanctuary + dodge

[Spookykid]

no, I charge towards demogorgon!

[DeTess]

DM: So, the mangler clambers up the storage silo, and catches up to [the ranger]. Let's see, that's six attacks, and because [the ranger] hasn't acted yet it rolls with advantage and does bonus damage...
Everyone else: *horrified silence...*
DM: ...ehm, if this ends up killing him, that wasn't on purpose

Artificer:*OOC* The giant ape has mental stats not that much worse that that of the average DnD player, so you won't lose much.

Artificer: I bring my magic gun to bear on the tentacle monster and fire a grenade*.
DM: *rolls* It passes the save, and for this creature that means... Eeny, meenie, miny, mo *points at warlock* You roll a save as well, as the creature bats the projectile out of the air straight towards you.

Artificer: I fire a shot of plasma** at the tentacle creature. And...*rolls* it misses, probably.
DM: It doesn't just miss. As before, it intercept the shot with a tentacle and reidrects it towards... the ranger. Roll a gain to try and hit him.
Artificer: ... an 18 probably does hit, doesn't it?

Wizard: Alright, time for the big guns. Eat this.
DM: *grins and rolls save*
Wizard: Wait, I should have been paying more attention to what happened to the artificer, didn't I?
DM: Yep. it saves, and that means...
Wizard: I counterspell my own spell!



*shatter spell
**firebolt spell

[Aka-chan]

"...The gelatinous cube has jaundice?"



"I need my other 3rd-level spell to de-chicken the guy."

[ZeroGear]

How many of these characters are ponies, again?
Of the PCs, just Night Hunter (NH)


Not enough. :smallbiggrin:

Too True.

Marv: "I'm really starting to hate portals."
Dan: "Any other words of wisdom Geralt?"

NH: "I'm not a lamp, pulling my tail ISN'T going to make my horn light up!"

Nova: *opens random door*
Tentacles: *wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle*
Nova: "NOPE!" *coses door*

Dan: "THROW THE CHEESE!"
MoP: "Gouda Idea!"

Marv: "Where's Nova?"
Nova, flying past with a jetpack: "I HAVE THE YEEEEEET!"
Marv: "...never mind."

NH: "The tentacle monster is wearing sunglasses..."
June: "He's sexy and he knows it!"
Tentacle Monster: *wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle*

[Duff]

"I slowly and non-threatening put away my bow and draw my sword"

[JBPuffin]

“We now know why licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.”

[uraniumdragon]

“This began as pants-on-head retarded—“
“—but now they’ve turned the pants around, so they can look out of the fly, see where they’re going—“
“—yet still pants-on-head retarded?”
“YES.”

“The non-com and the nerd. This is going to be interesting.”
“ ‘You can read, sir?...’ And then it comes around the corner with ‘[NCO] Sux’ written on its shield...”

later
“And the robot slaps him on the ass.”
“...that wasn’t a slap, that was a full-on grab. That’s going to be trouble later. ‘YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY, POINDEXTER?!!!’ “

[Telok]

"Mage duels on this planet are not spectator sports."

"We took more damage from your defiling than from the ten meter tall teleporting murder elephants."

"He got away!"
"Give me a couple minutes to catch the interior decorator, then you can nuke the city from orbit."

P1: "We aren't the good guys are we?"
P2: "We doomed an entire planet and made a deal with a daemon lord."
Dm: "Plus the local version of the great London fire of 1666, and nuking a city, releasing uncontrolled nanotech infections, starting an interstellar war, and enabling the vampire council to shroud entire planets in permanent darkness."
P3: "So, not the good guys?"

[bc56]

Me: "With a schwoooop, er I mean with absolutely no sound effect whatsoever, the silence spell goes up."

Solas: "Skipper leaves a perfectly halfling-shaped hole in the door."

Kit: "Maybe we should have checked for magic before we walked into the mysterious mist."

Kit: "Hat of the Winterlands!"
Solas: "Isn't that just a ushanka?"

[Guizonde]

dm: a file cabinet falls on militia's head, stunning her.
lucii: she's not the only one stunned!

belsunce: get away from her body! she's not dead yet!
malax: oh, about the whole necrophilia thing, don't worry. i only do it when i'm high on cocaine!
militia ooc: and that's better how?

dm: surprise round for the bad guys!
*2 critical fails leading to being one-shot in attacks of opportunity, 2 misses, and a very large amount of napalm*
dm: surprise critical existence failure for the bad guys!

malax: i unscrew a wall panel!
dm: a very large rat tries to attack you and... *rolls* misses.
malax: i bait it with food.
dm: ... it works, but it shouldn't.
malax: i'm gonna call it "pookie".

dm: malax returns with a very large rat following him.
militia: this just got silly, didn't it?

militia: ok, so croustor the npc told me we might find clues in a settlement to the north!
team: lead on.
militia rolls orientation: *5 degrees of failure* ok, so croustor is wrong, we're heading south instead! *goes north anyway*

belsunce: who are we following? me or militia?
lucii: well, she knows where she's going. we're just following you because you catch incoming bullets.
militia, to herself: we're going south, we're going south! i'm panicking over here! *keeps heading north unwittingly*

zbeb: *strikes a brooding pose* it amazed zbeb how such a team could hope to save their village, just finding out how big the world was. would they rise up to the task? would they succeed? only the hallowed ancestors knew, and they were not speaking to zbeb right now.
militia: is zbeb brooding again? i just saw subtitles appearing in front of me.

dm: finally zbeb fumbles a hide check! he bumps into a can of yellow paint, you all can see him!
lucii: who's that guy?!
zbeb ooc: i undress and disappear again! *rolls and succeeds*
louka ooc: ... a naked mall-ninja covered in yellow paint running around being invisible? really? what the hell are we playing?!
militia: aaaah, finally you're getting the whole experience package!

louka ooc: hold up, i've built a flamethrower halberd and you're all ok with it?!
belsunce: honestly, it doesn't even make the top twenty most brutal weapons list.
louka: i love this game.

zbeb ooc: i wall jump on the 4th wall to pincer the enemies.

louka: ooooh, look at that dent!
dm: dude, that was your face last session.
louka: i know, but now since i can fly, i can make more much higher up!

militia: ok, guess i'm up for the hunting party.
*louka, flying with his jet pack drops a grenade onto a swarm of rats*
dm: militia, you're covered in gibs and blood and guts.
militia: louka, that's not hunting!
louka: *winks with a huge smile on his face and two thumbs up*

zbeb: guided by an epiphany, zbeb pulled out his nail gun and *rolls* headshot the large rat, dropping him like a shadow.
lucii: man, i'm so rich, i kill creatures without even thinking about it!

lucii: uh, guys? huge problem over here.
louka: *throws grenade* *winks at militia and doing a thumbs up* "hunting!"

belsunce: *puts down cup of coffee* 4 large wolves?
dm: yup, do you rouse the troops?
belsunce: are you thick? they'd just steal my kills. i charge!

dm: you just went from "chili con carne" to "medical textbook".
malax: guess it took a bit of time for the qaaludes to wear off.
louka: meh, free chili.
militia: without grenades, even!

dm: rope climbing time!
lucii: is this the part where i suck?
dm: all in favor of skipping the next 45 minutes of struggle and humiliation?
*all 6 hands raised*

[ZeroGear]

Marv: "We would be done by now if you weren't constantly wasting time flying around like a lunatic!"
Nova: "Don't you mean, a MAJESTIC EAGLE?"

June: "We go that-a-way! Onwards Floyd!"
NH: "You named it Floyd?"
June: "What else would you name a pink tentacle monster?"

Nova: "Time for the MAJESTIC EAGLE!"
MoP: "He's here to bring the YEET!"
Dan: "Would that make him a 'Yeagle'?"
Nova: "The MAJESTIC YEAGLE!"

June: "That's a lot of sand..."
NH: "What do we do now, oh 'Wise One'?"
June: "Don't worry, I have the perfect plan!"
NH: "I wasn't worried. That lasted all of three minutes."

Dan: "There they are!"
Marv: "I see them. Now how are we getting down there?"
Nova: "Hang on, I think they're drawing something in the sand..."
Dan: "Can you make out what it is?"
Nova: "It's some kind of message..."
Marv: "Well? What does it say?"
Nova: "It says... 'Send Nudes'..."

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Before you go getting any funny ideas, I read my contracts carefully. In this case, I'm to bring back your brain intact. It's suspiciously silent on whether it has to be in the original packaging.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Roll Survival."
Doc: "Four."
Max: "I'll assist for advantage."
Doc: *re-rolls* "...four."

Azriel: "Pew pew!"
Mirror: "Your fingers have iron sights?"

Doc: "This should only be the second strangest thing we've googled."
Max: "On YouTube? Dude, there should be blue prints for it!"

Doc: "We're all magic skeletons piloting meat mecha."

Azriel: "If I can't read it, I'm blasting it."
Doc: "Can I read it?"
GM: "Who is proficient in Arcana?"
Doc: "I'm proficient in Arcana."
GM: "You have Arcana?"
Doc: "I'm a bard. I have all the skills."
GM: "Ok, the scroll title reads, 'How to bargain with the Old Ones'."
Doc: "Nevermind. Blast away."

GM: "It is... an iron cast... abound in bread..."
Doc: "Um, what?"

Mirror: "Sweetie, don't act like someone dropped a house on your sister."

Doc: "I hug my emotional support wife."

GM: "She looks at you with udder contempt."
Max: "Moo?"

[malachi]

Overheard from another campaign: "He's clearly making the doors go easy on us!"

Overheard from another campaign: "The arrow is higher level than us. It'll be the true BBEG!"

Barry, OOC: "That ends my turn."
DM: "Liar."

Barry, OOC: "Wait, that's not my accent, is it?"

Things happened, and Barry wanted to do different things than the rest of the group, so he got switched out with Sauriv, a lizardfolk druid.

Sauriv, OOC: "Which means you can only get one barrel of gunpowder to trip to the pharmacy, right?"

Sauriv, OOC: "Wait, that's not my accent, is it?"
Rain, OOC: "You sound like a dwarf with a cold."

Sauriv, OOC: "Today, we learned that two men who get pulled into the water can kill 4 sharks, but not 8."

[Telok]

Dm: "You made me do math. But I found out the orbital bombardment only killed about 80% of the people in the city."
Pc: "Serves them right."
Dm: "Only two of the 130 high level adventurers died."
Pc: "We need those shields up pronto!"

[DigoDragon]

Rime: "Doc! Bring me the salad fork! I need to cast fireball!"
Doc: "Why is your fireball stored in the salad fork?"

GM: "Apparently Roxy has the key to Oddy’s hoof cuffs. If you could unlock them when you next post, I would be grateful."


Pepper: "Okay, Goddess, that Doctor you met the other night wants to hook you up into a goddess tube to power his giant killer robot and enslave all of pony kind."
Rime: "He was even talking about killing [you] for fun!"
Doc: "Are... are we all talking about the same me here?"
Pepper: "Look, I'm bored and the reindeer can probably dodge bullets with some sort of joke power. Selling you out is all I have left."
Doc: "But... but then who is going to stick the party back together if someone gets shot?"
Oddy: (*bounds into the room*) "Are we having a parrrty?!"
Doc: "Apparently we are and I'm the piñata."
Oddy: "Ooh, I knew that under the nerdy act, you are naughty."
Doc: "Nerdy act? I'm not acting, I really am a nerd!"
Oddy: "Da, da." (waving it off with a clear disbelief as she pulls a baseball bat)
Doc: "Wait, I object to hitting the team doctor!"
Oddy: "I just merely, oblige to your darkest wishes."
Doc: "My only wish right not is not getting hit."
Oddy: "This game is confusing me."

[Guizonde]

vince: i don't wanna leave loose ends...
boris: why don't you cut off his tongue?
vince: i'm hesitating...
random bystander npc: what the hell?!

the beast: ok, food is not a problem anymore. *rolls instinct* time to reproduce.

vince ooc: it's not a fourth wall anymore! it's a fifth character!
the beast ooc: wall? more like a sieve!

ricard: cannibalism. creating social links since the dawn of lunchtime.

[ZeroGear]

Nova: "Woot! Finally together again!"
June: "Why guys, we made a new friend."
Floyd: *Wiggle**Wiggle**Wiggle*
Nova: "Time to split up!"

Marv: "Now is not the time for your ridiculous Pie in the Horse ideas!"
Dan: "...Pie in the WHAT?"

June: "No obstacle can stop the Tenta-spy!"

NH: "Since when does Nova have super naked speed?"

NH: "They've got Nova!"
Dan: "Don't worry, we'll get to him."
June: "We'd better hurry, we'll want these back sooner rather than later." *holds up Nova's pants*
Dan: "...do I even want to know?"
June: "Not really."

Lab Assistant: "for someone that's been strapped to a table, you're taking this pretty well."
Nova: "Oh, I'd be a lot more freaked out if this wasn't the second time this happened. Thankfully, this time doesn't involve drinking, a duck, a bucket of bees wax, or a gallon tub of lard."

Marv: "Can we please just bust through the door like normal people?"

[DigoDragon]

Marv: "Now is not the time for your ridiculous Pie in the Horse ideas!"
Dan: "...Pie in the WHAT?"

I know that reference! XD


Doc: "Not my monkey, not my circus."
Mirror: "His monkeys fly and harass people from Kansas."
Doc: "They know what they did."

[Telok]

Dm: You have 30,000 credits of "stuff" in the utility belt as long as it's light bulk or less?
Pc: as long as each item individually is light or less. Plus the hide behind people thing.
Dm: What?
Pc: Stealth check as long as there's at least one non-hostile within five feet.
Dm: A ton and a half of walrus with a green and yellow polka dot cape, gold helmet, and pink jetpack? And you just need a random halfling to hide behind?
Pc: The jetpack has purple stripes. Besides, I didn't want to be silly.
Dm: I'm afraid to ask.

[Guizonde]

tribal leader: you should try the salad.
ricard: ooh, that tastes good. what's the meat?
tribal leader: the toes of our enemies.
laz: *chokes*

ricard: see, old timer? that's a potato, try it, it tastes really good!
laz: it's squishy. i don't trust squishy food.
ricard: dude, i made you eat liver.
laz: don't remind me. i knew the victim.

last time i rp a cannibal, i swear.

[Heavenblade]

Our sorcerer, while being grappled by an acidic ooze - "good news guys, the blob is friendly!"

After he revealed his draconic ancestry, causing the ooze to withdraw due to plot reasons - "nooo! Bloby! Come baaaack"

[Telok]

"I don't care how well it worked. The walrus does not get to wear his skimpy cheer leader outfit while captaining our spaceship."

[Guizonde]

brutallica: i'm gonna kick your ass so hard you'll be puking toes.

kami: what's for dinner, halfling?
brutallica: potatoes.
grimm: oh, great. i thought we were past that gag.

free: anybody got a tomato?
korinn: oh great, now i have to look for another portal.

kami: hah! i told josé it takes training to break rocks by kicking!
grimm: must feel good breaking a golem's rocks rather than it breaking yours.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
Doc: "Unless you're a German tank."

GM: "As you open the scroll, you hear a faint, high tittering laughter."
Doc: "Heh heh, tittering."
Max: "Shush. Was the document in a scroll boob--I mean, tube."
Doc: "Ha! not just me! Not just me!"

Max: "How long does your floating disk last?"
Disk: *vanishes, dropping the dead body three feet with a wet thud*
Azriel: "About that long."

Mayor: "My daughter might know what those beads do."
Charity: "Ah, she goes to Carnaval too?"
Doc: "Wait, what?"

Wizard: "Geez, you think you know a pony."
Max: "Looting their house really tells you a lot about them."

Max: "What an interesting new smell you've discovered."
Charity: *casts Firebolt at the door*
Firebolt: *bounces around the room several times until it fizzles in the water*
Azriel: "Stop that! I already tried it with Eldritch Blast. The doors are magictically sealed!"

Doc: "I am tragically sober."

[Guizonde]

GM: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
Doc: "Unless you're a German tank."

GM: "As you open the scroll, you hear a faint, high tittering laughter."
Doc: "Heh heh, tittering."
Max: "Shush. Was the document in a scroll boob--I mean, tube."
Doc: "Ha! not just me! Not just me!"

Max: "How long does your floating disk last?"
Disk: *vanishes, dropping the dead body three feet with a wet thud*
Azriel: "About that long."

Mayor: "My daughter might know what those beads do."
Charity: "Ah, she goes to Carnival too?"
Doc: "Wait, what?"

Wizard: "Geez, you think you know a pony."
Max: "Looting their house really tells you a lot about them."

Max: "What an interesting new smell you've discovered."
Charity: *casts Firebolt at the door*
Firebolt: *bounces around the room several times until it fizzles in the water*
Azriel: "Stop that! I already tried it with Eldritch Blast. The doors are magictically sealed!"

Doc: "I am tragically sober."

response:
1: there are 2 things that can't be expected: the spanish inquisition and german tanks.
2: but was the scroll tube stored in a chest?
3: comedic timing, love it.
4: in new orleans, the spelling is carnAval ;)
5: "when i die, please clear my browsing history"
6: at least it didn't murdercide anyone.
7: in our pathfinder game, we actually get to-roll penalties for that one!

[Sniccups]

Rogue: I read the records.
DM: These are the cult's financial records. There's a lot of tax evasion. Like, so much tax evasion.

And from a different campaign:

NPC: Okay... first off, what's a dog?

DM: (describes Wretched Sorrowsworn)
Rogue: I pet the doggies.
DM: ...they have horrifying lamprey mouths.
Rogue: Still.

[Telok]

"It's a bit of fire. Just put yourself out. Seriously, you've whined less about having your eyeballs exploded."

[DigoDragon]

2: but was the scroll tube stored in a chest?
4: in new orleans, the spelling is carnAval ;)


2. In fact, it was!
4. Ah, good catch. My auto-correct did not recognize the alternative spelling. I have corrected it. Thanks!

[LordCdrMilitant]

GM: "Going through the town is faster due to the forest terrain being impenetrable."
Doc: "Unless you're a German tank."


I would say that strongly depends on the German tank in question.

Tanks are not actually very good treecutters, and you have to do it very slowly and carefully and even then there's a chance the tree will fall on [and break] your tank.

And I imagine WWII era tanks, with overloaded transmissions and much less horsepower than a modern tank, would have a very bad time of it.

[ZeroGear]

5: "when i die, please clear my browsing history"


He was later reincarnated in a different world as a slime.


Dave: "Who hides a spare lab key in a pudding cup?"
June: "Probably the same guy that decides you need chess pieces to open a library."
Dave: "Ah. Raccoon City Architects."

Crazed Doctor: "Let us begin the procedure. To start: we shall take some readings to establish a baseline." *Device in hand starts buzzing*
Nova: "If that's anything like a thermometer, it had BETTER be Oral!"

Nova, OOC: You used me as a SHIELD!
Marv, OOC: Technically, I used the table you were strapped to. Oh, hey! My food just arrived!
Nova, OOC: I hope someone SHAT in it!

[Lord Raziere]

"Hah! By that logic, I'm a goat princess"

"All hail queen of the goats"

[DigoDragon]

Max: "I probably shouldn't be eating ice considering I had a root canal done yesterday."
Doc: "Now why'd you go and do a thing like that?"
Max: "Well, I was scheduled for surgery two days prior, and then the enamel of this tooth decided to pop off."
Doc: "You are not having any luck this week."
Max: "Not a bit. So anyway, I start blasting..."

Azriel: "Congrats, you invented the drum."

GM: "You see an ash outline of where the donkey was standing."
Doc: "Is this info that I have... ascertained?"
Mirror: *Gibbs-slaps Doc*

Max: "What's on the index card?"
Charity: "The history of successful Gnomish inventions."

Max: "I saw the two ships crash, but I didn't see them sink."
GM: "Because they were in space."
Max: "In Moana?!"
GM: "Err, then no."

Max: "Doc, take 5 more."
Doc: "Wait, 5 more damage?"
Max: "No, healing."
Doc: "Oh! Phrasing, dude!"

Azriel: "Frosted Lucky Charms..."
Mirror: "They'll blow you butt to pieces!"

Max: "Never let it be said that we didn't do the least we could do."

Charity: "It's God, Kent!"

Wizard: "What's going on?"
Doc: "Let me explain..."
[Beat]
Doc: "No time. Let me summarize..."

Mayor: "What the hell is going on?"
Doc: "Interesting choice of words. Your daughter is the devil."
Mayor: "She's a teenager, of course she is."
Doc: "No, but..."
Mirror: "Let me try. Ahem, she's got a boy in her room."
Mayor: "WHAT?! I'll kill her!"

GM: "Max, the guard is running behind you, sword in hand, butt-naked."
Max: "Is that a sword in your pocket or are you... oh."
Doc: "He hasn't got pockets.The guard is duel-wielding in the wind."

Charity: "I can explain the warlock. Not so much the naked guard behind him."

[Telok]

Mind flayer: "Of course we knew those things were here. It's marked on all the maps as 'Horror' because of the clockwork horrors. Didn't you check the library before you agreed to this?"
Pc: "No.
MF: "Well earn your pay and get us out of here. We'll hire some adventurers to come back complete the mission."
Pc: "Heyyy"
MF: "Not you. Someone competent."

[DigoDragon]

MF: "Not you. Someone competent."

That's a save versus massive damage. :smallbiggrin:


GM: "And Motown just put out a hit contract on the warlock."

Wizard: "I have a conundrum."
Doc: "As a bard, I have proficiency to play that."

Azriel: "Take the stimpack! You don't know when the tax refund is coming."

Max: "Their army suffered a spontaneous unscheduled disassembly."

Doc: "Did you just say Condo Shaman?"

Azriel: "It's a magical dagger. Conjures wounds."

Charity: "Mom knows two spells--Rage and Powerword Fist."
Mirror: "I named my hooves Death and Taxes."

GM: "Does anyone want to name the mule?"
Mirror: "No."
Azriel: "Kevin."
Charity: "Roach."
Max: "Bojack."
Doc: "Mulia"
GM: "No it is."

Mirror: "The bard's barred from buffs."

Doc: "Oh look, there goes a yellow-belly mud sucker!"
Hobgoblin: *drops dead*
Max: "Did you just...?"

Doc: "Achievement unlocked! This stab toward enemy!"

[Matuka]

Random guy: isn't butter flammable?
Gm: I have no idea but it is now, the robot detonates.

[Coventry]

The final game session quotes for this set of characters ... we defeated the big bad last night, and the campaign wrapped.



Arksbane: Mint chocolate chip ... chicken?

Killian: Lack of adult supervision.

Killian-OOC: For the first time in my life, I don't want to roll a natural 20.

Frighid: (lands alpha strike)
DM: (calculates) ... he has 1 hit point left
Spark: I fling a rock at his head
(dice): ... yes.

[LordCdrMilitant]

Alesia: "FRIENDS! :P"

Commissar Titus: "Stop being dominated or I'll execute you!"

Ship's Chaplain: *runs into room* "BEGONE FOUL HELLSPAW..."
Alesia: *omnomnom...~burp* ;)

Psyker Pompeii: "Look, you've overstayed your welcome. Please go away."
Alesia: "NO I HAVEN'T! I'M ALWAYS WELCOME EVERYWHERE! :)"

Commissar Titus: "FIRE! DIRECT ONSLAUGHT! FULL PAYLOAD! AERIAL SPOTTER!"
I, the GM: "That's 5 CP. With all your guardsmen and your basilisk, you're not far from being the loyal 32."

Telling a missing player after the session:
Rogue Trader Mediabelle [missing player]: "Two birds with one stone should not factor us in as birds guys."

[Guizonde]

character creation for dark heresy 2e:

brigbal: ok, knowing the dm, i'm going to make the most ruthless character i know how to make.
bernie the medic: a space marine?
grigori the desperado: an assassin?
brigbal: a shady accountant.
dm: *shivers*

brother v5.32 the techpriest seeker: hey, can i look like doc octopus from spiderman?
brigbal the savant: don't you want to be at least a bit competent?

wynnif the psyker: hey guys! i can read minds!
grigori: *thinks really hard about bomb collars on psykers*
wynnif: ... that's not nice.

bernie: ok, i may be a dumb ex-guardsman but why is grigori our stealther? i've seen smaller ogryn!
grigori: *cycles shotgun* corpses don't count as witnesses.

v5.32: oh man, this is gonna be a walk in the park! we've got cyborgs, shotguns, lasers, grenades, and even a mind-reader! this campaign is as good as solved!
dm: *chuckles*
wynnif: yeah, not even gonna bother reading minds. this is gonna suck.

[Necroticplague]

Gene: I know you haven't read up enough to know what an alp is, so I'll keep it simple: she's helping us because otherwise, she'll never see her hat this side of forever.

[LordCdrMilitant]

bernie: ok, i may be a dumb ex-guardsman but why is grigori our stealther? i've seen smaller ogryn!
grigori: *cycles shotgun* corpses don't count as witnesses.

v5.32: oh man, this is gonna be a walk in the park! we've got cyborgs, shotguns, lasers, grenades, and even a mind-reader! this campaign is as good as solved!
dm: *chuckles*
wynnif: yeah, not even gonna bother reading minds. this is gonna suck.

Sounds like they're getting in the spirit already!

[Guizonde]

Sounds like they're getting in the spirit already!

i know right? i'm as excited about it as i'm nervous about doing a good job dm'ing!

[Solamnicknight]

Elise "Thanks for covering that! I owe you one."
Serendelle "You do owe me, you're paying me back!"

[ZeroGear]

The last big campaign came to a close while the forums where down, and unfortunately the notes got lost in the shuffle. As such, New story, new characters!

Ruker (M) - Half-Orc barbarian from the northern tribes. Not the brightest bulb.
Jaxx (M) - Teifling rogue, trickster and occasional flirt. Very dry sense of humor.
Elandro Juanape MÃ*guele Alexaner Fortissimo Lopez the 3rd (Juan) (M?) - Half-Elf Elicter and the biggest drama queen to the point of being corny. Usually portrayed as male, but never confirmed gender.
Violetta (F) - Human Elementals with a preference of using electricity and weather magic. Essentially a storm mage.
Ariana (F) - Halfling cleric of Hlal (Dragon goddess of luck). Always cheerful, loves making jokes about people's height.


Homebrew Pathfinder setting suing the SoP and SoM supplements. The world essentially sees dragons as divine messengers and has adopted the worship of the dragon pantheon.

Ariana: "So? How are you all?"
Jaxx: "Oh I'm just fine. It's not like we're hanging upside-down in a kobold larder waiting for those little pests to flay our skin off before marinading us in oil until we're nice and crispy."
Juan: "NOOOOOO! Hot oil is bad for the skin! IT'LL RUIN MY COMPLEXION!"

Ruker: "Ruker not like chains. RELEASE RUKER NOW!"
Violetta: "I don't think they're listening. Try yelling louder, I'm sure they'll hear you then."
Ruker: "RUKER NOT LIKE CHAINS! RELEASE RUKER NOW!!!"
Violetta: "Maybe they're far away, try louder."
Ruker: "RELEASE RUKER NOW!!!!" *bursts chains*
Violetta: "...huh...didn't think that would work."

Jaxx: "I'm going to turn all pint-sized pests into mincemeat!"
Ariana: "Hey!"
Jaxx: "Present company excluded, of course."

Juan: "Yes, gaze upon my dancing! Delight your gaze upon my luscious posterior! Feast your eyes upon my glorious form!"
Violetta: "Are we sure he's a guy?"

Ruker: "Ruker smash puny lizards!"
Jaxx: "Ah yes, scale-meat paste. The traditional cuisine of the northern tribes."
Ruker: "Nah. Stone fist tribe have yack-mash as specialty."
Jaxx: "...yum..."

Violetta: "You just don't have the spark. Yet." *blasts lizard man with a ball of electristity*

Jaxx: "The Cave is collapsing! Everyone out!"
Ariana: "Gender and Vertically challenged people first!"
Juan: "All this running is going to be murder on my calves!"

Violetta: "There's the exit! Pick up the pace!"
Ariana: "Why not 'pick up the halfling'?"
Ruker: "Ruker do." *grabbs Ariana*
Ariana: "My brawny half-naked hero!"

Juan: "We're alive!"
Violetta: "You make it seem like we were in any real danger. Don't sell us short."
Ariana: "I like being short, just not being sold."

[Xiander]

Bard from a noble house: "I signed that contract with my house name, we have to fulfill it, my house is very important."
Poor as dirt Rogue: "You have a house?"

[comicshorse]

" Revenge rides a slow pig " Old Dwarven saying

[Guizonde]

really old quotes:

amon: next experience: castrating an ork.

amon: now i'm imagining an ork licking its foot.

dm: you've gotta buy the upgrade.
ray: which one? a new pilot?
ross: hey!!

dm: the hangar door is destroyed.
ray: knock-knock!

ray: you da bomb!
amon: yes.

dm: you are sitting on a metallic corduroy cushion.

amon: *raises eyebrow*
team: 0.o

amon: you weren't heretical enough.
dm: how does that work?

dm: the ship explodes.
ray: represented by mayonnaise.

dm: the station is about to fire.
ray: *puts a lighter on the station*

mj: something big just exploded.
amon: *holding an atomic bomb* not my fault!

amon: uh, what does raymond usually say?
jace: swear in occitan, it works well!
amon: i really should listen when he speaks...

[DigoDragon]

Missed these from a past session:


Doc: "They'll hatch in 3-4 weeks, which is about the window period you're often given for the cable guy to show up."

Max: "Doesn't some fey food cause you... issues?"
Doc: "This isn't Metamucil."

GM: "No, some people do win the Gong Show."
Charity: "Those people aren't us."

GM: "The boars are wearing studded leather bards."
Doc: "Excuse me?"
GM: "Barding! I meant studded leather barding!"

Flaming Sphere: "Avon calling!!"

Charity: "My inner pyro is disappointed."
Mirror: "Mine too."
Max: "I didn't want the sphere to burn any potential loot."
Charity: "Oh! Okay well in that case my inner pyro can deal."
Mirror: "Same."
Azriel: "Doc, your family scares me."
Doc: "You don't say..."

Mirror: "Doc spent most of his spell slots, Charity spent most of her spell slots, and Azriel... is a warlock."

[Rater202]

*produces scalpel* "Strip naked and lay on the kitchen table."

***

"Splitting the cookie won't work, that'll just kill him."

[Telok]

Walrus: "I know you think you aren't beautiful enough for me, but thats OK. I'm gorgeous enough for both of us!"
Hag: "Thanks for the nightmare fuel. If I give you guys the artifact will you make the walrus go away?"

[ZeroGear]

Jaxx: "We're safe, we're sound... who are you all anyway?"
Violetta: "Wait, we didn't introduce ourselves yet?"
Ariana: "We were a little short on time back there."

Ruker: "Ruker confused. Why girly-man not use proper name when referring to girly-man? Did girly-man not get proper name ceremony yet?"
Juan: "Girly-man?"
Jaxx: "A rather apt description."

Ariana: "Mommy!" *Hugs Juan*
Juan: "NOOOOO! I'm too young and male to be a mother!"
Jaxx: "That's debatable."

Ariana: "Rukie-pie, please don't smash the shopkeeper, he didn't mean it."

Violetta: "Oooh! Clothing store!"
Juan & Ariana: "Shopping Spree!!!!!"

Jaxx: "Wow, what a big, dark, creepy hole in the ground leading to unknown dangers and crumbling ruins full of dangerous creatures. Ruker, you go first."

Ariana: "SPIDER!"
Violetta: "Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"
Juan: "Hit it with a stick! Hit it with a stick!"

Jaxx: "Hang on, I'll pick the lock."
Ruker: "Ruker fix!" *rips door of hinges*
Jaxx: "That works too."

Juan: "Heeeeelp! I'm Drowning!"
Jaxx: "Don't worry, I'll save you from the angle-deep pool of water."

[Guizonde]

dark heresy: the tutorial session. in which the players try and figure out how to work together.

inquisitor melman: i'm sending you on a milk run. just a rumor of a landowner using xenos crops. any questions?
bernie: yeah, when's happy hour?

hotel clerk: here's a map of the city, you can rent vehicles next door. any questions?
bernie: yeah, when's happy hour?

dm: so, wynnif, grigori, and bernie, you arrive at a nice looking bar next to the airport.
wynnif: if you don't ask if it's happy hour, i'm buying you drinks.
bernie: deal.

v5.32: why don't we go to the authorities to ask for leads?
bernie: yeah, that's a good idea. but aren't we supposed to be the authorities?

v5.32: hello bartender, do you serve alcohol-like drinks for a perfectly normal and not at all a cyborg human?
bartender: *barfs*

dm: as the bartender pukes, 2 well-dressed serfs run away.
v5.32: please stop in an orderly fashion.
dm: bernie, you're in the doorway. what do you do?
bernie: i perform a takedown with my pattern 970 entrenching tool. *crits*
dm: one of the serfs is on the floor clutching his groin trying to remember how to breathe.
v5.32: i did ask them to stop.

grigori: i've been interrogated enough to know how to do one. get me jumper cables, a car battery, and take off his pants.
bernie: uh, as a medical professional, i must tell you that electrocuting his groin is in poor taste.
grigori: why, soldier boy? you got a conscience?
bernie: no, his dangly bits are the size of grapefruits. jumper cables are too small.

bernie: DON'T TOUCH MY SHOVEL!! *licks the shovel*
v5.32: yeah, not touching it after that.

dm: as you leave the interrogation cell, arbites commissioner langlois gives you an approving glance and asks, "that was a damn good interrogation, do you have experience in the arbites"?
grigori: something like that.

v5.32: damn, out-roboted by bureaucracy.

dm: grigori drives you around perfectly like a driver who's racked up 571 traffic tickets in two weeks.
grigori: i'm still the sector-wide record holder.

wynnif: you're a walking hate crime on the traffic code.
grigori: friggin' mind reader.

dm: are you sure you want to read that mind?
wynnif: yes.
*reads mind*
wynnif: anybody got brain bleach?

brigbal: bad news, i messed up the paperwork. good news, we're in a 5-star hotel on the inquisition payroll. bad news, the inquisitor knows about it. good news, it won't come and bite us for another 3 years.
bernie: woooooh, let's celebrate.
*looks at vostroyan premium vodka pricetag*
bernie: maybe let's wait until the mission's over, instead.
brigbal: that can be misfiled, too.

wynnif: why is it that men always picture me undressed?
brigbal: because you're a beautiful redhead?
wynnif: then why do they get it wrong?
brigbal: if that frustrates you, never work in the administratum.
v5.32: believe me, people get what's under my robes so wrong even i make mistakes.

grigori: right, i believe it's time for violence.
brigbal: before dinner?
grigori:... ok, after dinner.

bernie: space elf cocaine with an obscura chaser. let's see. it should lead to dilated pupils, insomnia, incoherence, vomiting... *ping* that bartender was a junkie!
dm: and it only took you 2 real-life hours to figure it out!
wynnif: glad to know he's competent. i'll remind you of that when grigori's gutshot and bleeding out in a gutter, you'll be saying,"gee, that's a lot of blood for a papercut!"
grigori: friggin' mind reader.

[LordCdrMilitant]

More 40k!

Armech, the Techpriest: *Rolls 0 successes and a Complication on like 12 dice* I, the expert in technology, have no idea what rare weapon available to AdMech HQ's would deflagrate a person from the inside out.

Oslo, the Space Wolf Intercessor: Man, these bodyguards suck. Didn't even kill a single attacker.

Titus, the Commissar: Damn. We're going to table breaching through the ceiling as a first option for every future problem until we get do it.

Titus: Hey, gov'na, which of these paintings is most valuable?
Planetary Governor: *terrified* Uh, uh, that one!
I, the GM: It's a painting of the Emperor stabbing a serpentine monster, framed in gold.
Titus: Great! We'll take it. Guardsmen, be careful with it! Stormtroopers, prioritize jewels over large objects, you can fit more in your pockets.


after the session:
Player: I kind of want to not tell him what happened until next session. That way we just start with flying in a Caestus towards a Necron Tombship and he'll be like "what?"

[Guizonde]

More 40k!

Armech, the Techpriest: *Rolls 0 successes and a Complication on like 12 dice* I, the expert in technology, have no idea what rare weapon available to AdMech HQ's would deflagrate a person from the inside out.

Oslo, the Space Wolf Intercessor: Man, these bodyguards suck. Didn't even kill a single attacker.

Titus, the Commissar: Damn. We're going to table breaching through the ceiling as a first option for every future problem until we get do it.

Titus: Hey, gov'na, which of these paintings is most valuable?
Planetary Governor: *terrified* Uh, uh, that one!
I, the GM: It's a painting of the Emperor stabbing a serpentine monster, framed in gold.
Titus: Great! We'll take it. Guardsmen, be careful with it! Stormtroopers, prioritize jewels over large objects, you can fit more in your pockets.


after the session:
Player: I kind of want to not tell him what happened until next session. That way we just start with flying in a Caestus towards a Necron Tombship and he'll be like "what?"

is this taken from wrath and glory? how's the system handling-wise? also, requisition doesn't count as looting.

[LordCdrMilitant]

is this taken from wrath and glory? how's the system handling-wise? also, requisition doesn't count as looting.

The party prefers to think of what they're doing as "denying assets to the enemy".


We are playing Wrath and Glory. Most of my players really like it [there's one that doesn't, but every complaint has boiled down to "it's not DH"].

It doesn't have the built-up mass of material that the FFG40k RPG's have, so I end up making up most of the profiles for enemies and weapons myself. Profiles can't be directly ported over from the codecies, so by comparison a lot of the ones I pull out of my ass are of more questionable balance.

My one complaint is with the relative balance of wargear, circumstantial modifiers, and characteristics. Armor is generally low compared to toughness and amounts to about a shift worth of protection, so AP isn't really crippling to lack. On the flip side, with a high enough BS, anything is high damage: the shooters in the party are throwing like 16 dice to hit targets [Even a NPC guardsman throws 9 dice for BS, and targets are basically all Defense 3], so they shift like 2-4 dice to damage routinely. Cover doesn't make a difference, because if your throwing 16 dice to hit defense 3 CSM, you're going to have enough non-shiftable dice over 3 that basically anything that modifies defense doesn't do squat unless it's a really big modifier, at which point it really exists to eat shifts more than prevent you from getting hit.
Also, as a GM, be aware that shifting for damage will definitely kill your PC's. They're really fragile [which, to be fair, they are in Dark Heresy too, but in DH they have fate/infamy points to not die and just get horribly maimed when they get vaporized].



More quotes from that session:
Benedict, the Ultramarine Tactical: Here kid, have a bolter. Try to hit that target.
Planetary Governor's 6 Year Old Kid: *fires Space Marine sized bolter, breaks arm* AHHH! MY ARM! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!
Benedict: Writing in my notebook: "Planetary Government cannot be trained into a fighting force."

Planetary Governor: *pleading* I though we were going to to a Garden World!
Oslo: We have to make a pit stop to battle some Necrons.
Titus: They're robot skeletons that have lightning guns that will strip the skin off your body and arc between people to melt entire squads. And then they'll wear your flesh like suit.
Benedict: Yeah, tough too. They don't stay dead and just stand back up after you shoot them down.
Planetary Governor: But, but I'll stay here and be safe?
Benedict: That's not why we gave you that autogun and are having you practice on our range. At least you have a lot of fat for their gauss guns to flay away before they get to anything important.
Planetary Governor: AIIEEE! *passes out*

Benedict: Of course Sgt. Caeserus is in charge of the kill team. He's an Ultramarine!

[Guizonde]

The party prefers to think of what they're doing as "denying assets to the enemy".


noted and filed for later use.

inquisitor melman: i have full faith in you.
grigori: i suddenly feel uneasy.

wynnif: i could rip out all your secrets from your mind, but frankly, my psyche does not have rubber boots to wade through that cess-pit. grigori?
grigori: great. i'm rubber boots, now.
brigbal: *writing* one pair... of... psychic... rubber boots. which size?

v5.32: ok, i dropped my robes, and i'm wearing arbites black fatigues. should make me seem friendly to the serfs and workers.

dm: roll endurance to see if you like the beer.
bernie: HURP! maybe the sweetmeats are better.
dm: roll?
bernie: HURP! AGAIN!

bernie: look, all i'm saying is that beer shouldn't be chewed.
wynnif: where the hell did you go? a cereal factory?
brigbal: you'd think on an agri-world they'd know their way around grains...

v5.32: i sip motor oil seductively while looking at the wall outlet.

[Coventry]

requisition doesn't count as looting.

That depends. According to Battletruck (1982, also known as "Warlords of the 21st Century"):

Striker: Willy! Inventory and Requisition!
Willy (to the men): LOOT! LOOT!

(probably the only thing worth remembering about that movie.)

[TrashTrash]

C: Our Wizard with anger issues.
D: Our Fighter with a dog.
Dy: Our Druid with enabling tendencies.
G: Our Ranger with no filter and ADD.
J: Our Barbarian with possible brain damage.
T: Our Rogue with no situational awareness.
B: Our Wild Magic Sorcerer with the luck of the gods.
DM: Our long-suffering and mostly-patient Dungeon Master.
Cosmo: Our Fighter's dog who doesn't like J very much.


G: "No thanks, I choose life."

C: "Hey, G, Dy, I need healing!"
DM: "Both healers dipped. I literally just told you."

C: "I cast an illusion to make it look like I put my weapons on the ground."
G: "Do you put your brain on the ground, too?"

G: "Sure, she shot you. But she didn't mean it, it was just a warning shot."
C: "WARNING SHOTS DON'T CONNECT!"

D: "I'm gonna go pet my dog and let you chuckleheads figure this out."
J: "I'm going with D."
C: "Don't touch Cosmo."

Dy: "Roll for gravity."

T: "How bad could it be to have your soul removed?"
DM: "Pretty bad. Pretty much the worst thing possible."
J: "So not as bad as stepping on a LEGO. Got it."

G: "Are the velociraptors magical?"

D: "On a scale of 1-10, how bad will this attack hurt?"
DM: *mishears* "No, I need d8s."

C: "I need, like, 6 d8s."
DM: "We have two. Improvise."

Dy: "Does anyone else have healing spells?"
G: "I have a spell, yes."
Dy: "Okay, how many spell slots do you have left?"
G: "I have a spell, yes."

[Telok]

W: "A pool in the middle of a room with an altar. I bet it's tentacles."
S: "I think it's going to be a robot or a distraction."
C: "It could be another trap, but I think tentacles too.
W: "I stand behind the door and chuck a grenade in the pool."
Dm describes a giant armored jellyfish thing flying out of the pool to attack.
All: "Tentacles."

[Guizonde]

langlois: ok, so what's the plan?
grigori: you guys take the hangar, we take the house and arrest the farmer.
wynnifred: i detect a cloud of psychic energy coming from the hangar.
*obvious group sized pang of guilt*
grigori: you know what? we'll take the hangar.

dm: surprise round! *ten gretchin shoot*
bernie: ow! what the hell are these things?!
v5.32: uh, xenos of the ork genus, i believe.
bernie: wrong. they're dead is what they are.

brigbal: *death glare*
farmer leduc: what seems to be the matter officer? *shakes*
brigbal: *death glare*
farmer leduc: ok, i confess, i screwed up!*starts crying tears of fear*
brigbal: *death glare*
*arbites take leduc away*
brigbal: *grins* not too shabby for a 73 year old accountant.
dm: what'll you do now?
brigbal: i'm gonna loot the fridge.

wynnifred: THERE'S AN ORK BEHIND YOU!!
*ork hits grigori with his choppa*
grigori ooc: i really wanna hit him with my chainsword in revenge.
bernie ooc: that's suicide!
dm: you totally should.
grigori: i'm totally gonna hit him with my chainsword. *crits*
*ork dies in one hit*
grigori: i totally hit him with my chainsword.
dm: you totally did.

bernie: *kills 3 gretchin in one salvo* i hate xenos.
dm: you know the first step to making mushroom stew?
bernie: kill the mushrooms. *shoots and kills 3 gretchin with one salvo AGAIN*

grigori: aw crap, i threw the grenade the wrong way!
wynnifred: *telekinesis*
*grenade explodes smack dab in the middle of the horde of gretchin*
wynnifred: no you didn't.

langlois: you guys do this often?
v5.32: second day on the job, actually.

v5.32: i'd like to recommend commissionner langlois' valiant efforts in helping us close the case.
inquisitor melman: i know just what i can do for him.
*...*
*langlois arrives wearing an inquisitorial badge*
grigori: you too, huh?
langlois: the emperor expects.
bernie: vodka?
langlois: YES, PLEASE!!

great session, good roleplay, and a new character! adeptus arbites commissionner langlois. think judge dredd, but with a smoking habit and a grenade launcher

[Debatra]

"So what do I know about the nutritional value of human flesh?"

-- Elf Wizard

[Rater202]

"So what do I know about the nutritional value of human flesh?"

-- Elf Wizard

I guess the elf Wizard needed food badly?

[Guizonde]

double feature this week:

dalarium:

lucii: believe me, my fighter is the best you've ever seen, she's great.
npc: well, she looks enough like a sir. whatever.
belsunce: that's sexist.
lucii: a win's a win.

belsunce: *misses*
npc: *misses*
belsunce: *misses*
npc: *misses*
militia: oh wow, i've never seen such a level of skill before...

militia: this is disgusting! what the hell is that?!
sylvie the server: lemon. you squeeze the juice onto the crab, you don't eat the rind.
militia: ... i knew that.

zbeb: *pickpockets*
dm: you loot the guard's shoelaces. *rolls* he trips and falls.

zbeb: *pickpockets*
sylvie the server: mind asking your sneak to give me back my underwear?
zbeb: *dies of shame*

malax: i'm gonna be a pro doctor this time around.
medical orderly: is this a prescription for ammonia, white phosphorus, and strychnine?
malax: yes.

zbeb: *pickpockets himself*
dm: you fail. what did you expect?
zbeb: *cries in subtitles*
militia: well, that was weird, i just got a text notification of zbeb trying to pickpocket himself...
lucii: who the hell are you talking about?!

____________

dark heresy:

v5.32: i just learned i go full autistic when i read numbers.
brigbal: so i can stop flicking paper airplanes at you?

bernie: hey, grigori! let's go to the bar.
grigori: yeah, going with wynnifred this time around!
bernie: she can come too!
wynnifred: ok, i'll go to the bar while you investigate the crime scene!
bernie: so i'm going with you!
wynnifred: i'll go with grigori!
bernie: perfect! a threesome!
grigori: he's not getting the hint, is he?

v5.32: so, i calculate the manufactorum has a drop in production of 0,04 percent.
brigbal: and it seems to be linked to hangar c-39, specifically in their delivery methods.
team AND two inquisitors: nerds.

bernie: ... so, anyway, i kicked him in the balls.
brigbal, waking up: ... huh? did someone say my name?
*team snickers* yeah, you deserve it for being so awesome.
brigbal: oh, good. *snoozes*

wynnifred: *rolls psychic power* *rolls double*
wynnifred: oh no.
dm: *rolls psychic phenomena* oh no.
grigori ooc: oh no.
dm: *rolls perils of the warp* OH NO
wynnifred: OH NO
grigori: well, nice knowing ya, wynnif!

dm: how did you find a ham sandwich in a file cabinet?
brigbal: it was filed under "delicious".

bernie: i hate heresy. *finds a jacknifed truck* must be the work of some xenos.
wynnifred: or it could be heretics.
*investamagating* *finding splinter crystals*
wynnifred: ... or it could be xenos.
bernie: I KNEW IT!!

grigori: yeah. i'm looking for a job.
gangboss: you can drive?
grigori: yes.
gangboss: good, you start a 6 am.
grigori: that was easy.
v5.32: i'm gonna have a talk about this work gang's recruitment policy.

[M. Arillius]

Fae Character: "Don't you just hate it when they just say your name? Like you're supposed to know what that means?"
Troll Monk NPC: "Right? And then they say 'I can't think fast enough to articulate your stupidity before it gets worse' like it's somehow your fault."
Fae Character: "Gods, that's so annoying! You know, maybe you're not so bad after all. My name is-"
Troll Monk NPC: *Punches Fae with Cold Iron gauntlet*

[Avista]

Me: So, something happened.
PC1: What did you do?
Me: Wait-
PC2: what did you do?
Me: I take offense you think it's my fault!
PC3: WHAT DID YOU DO!?
Me: For once! Just once! Can you not blame me!?
PC2: Okay. But were you involved?
Me: ...Not directly.
PC1: That doesn't mean much.
PC3: What did you do?

Me: *proceeds to make my rogue cry in the corner.*

We had a good laugh. :smallbiggrin:

[Guizonde]

lucii: look, all we did was spend 3 months of minimum wage on a coat. no big deal.

louka: ok, i'm adding a flamethrower to my halberd.
militia: here's a shotgun.
louka: today on "pimp my halberd!"

malax: pookie's gone. *cries*
militia: i trust that doctor as far as i can throw him.

malax: i try and wake up louka in the dark. *fumbles*
militia: AH! UGLY FACE!! *starts blasting*

dm: yeah, the arms on that rat-wolf that are strangling you? they're human.
belsunce: ok, first i'm gonna break it, then i'm gonna puke.

dm: the dock workers are revolting, and are demanding a safer work environment.
lucii: have i mentionned i'm socialist today?

zbeb: *manages to pickpocket himself*
dm: ok, that was cool.
lucii: who the hell is that guy?!

zbeb: i just had an entire conversation involving eye blinks and croatian subtitles.
militia: mind teaching me?
lucii: who are you talking to?
militia: the dude malax is trying to body slam.

sylvie: zbeb, yellow is definitely not your color.
zbeb: *cries*
belsunce: told you

[Heavenblade]

"Sure, the FAIRY PRINCESS can go the cursed island. But when mama wolf does it, she gets Corona virus!"

[TriggerGunther]

From various Sessions of Albedo:
DM: Alright, you ensure that this giraffe will never install toilet paper the wrong way again by court marshaling him.

Biggs (Puma, Commanding Officer, Freefall Infantry): You authorized an ACV strike on the Net-cultists?
Asrhei (Jackal, Tactical Advisor/Grenadier): Sir, with all due respect, ACV is short for 'Airstriking Cultist Villages', Sir!


DM: The Horse in a disheveled business suit tells you that his name is Bojack Horse-Person.


Unnamed Mouse NPC, holding a gun: Now now, we're not stealing from you folks. We're just suggesting that you share.
Chahr (Hyena, Guerrilla Heavy Machine Gunner): Oh so you're forcing us to share, at gunpoint. You're right, that isn't stealing, that's communism.


DM: This planet is so bad, that when the critters actually bother inventing religion, they will name the place bad people go when they die after it.


Nathan (Tiger, Computer Hacker): I'd like the change the serial number on these pistols so the space ATF can't track us.
DM: With all due respect, you are the space ATF. You even burned a bunch of cultists living in the middle of nowhere alive and no one thinks it was you.


Hans (Badger NPC): I'm Hans!
Frans (Twin Badger NPC): And I'm Frans!
Hans and Frans together: And We are here to F*** you up!

Amy (Fox, Sniper): I dunno if we should kill this guy, what has he really done?
Asrhei: I want to roll disguise to lie and convince Amy that this guy we need to take out has touched children inappropriately and murdered a space-puppy.
DM: So about that... He has done the former and only hasn't done the latter because people don't keep pets on this planet. Roll Persuade instead.

[Guizonde]

dark heresy: the first casualty of the game, due to a player dropping out. brigbal is now an npc.

wynnifred: i got stoned flying around a psychic projection of the city. now i know how hippies feel.

arbites: uh, commissionner? that's not how an investigation works.
langlois, pointing to his inquisition badge: you're the law, maybe. but i am the law.

v5.32: by the omnissiah, i think i just went full niagara in my briefs.
grigori: does it smell like motor oil and sexual frustration in here or is it just v?

dm: you're undercover in a 16 wheeler truck with an obese lecherous teammate with digestive problems.
grigori: the emperor expects. at least the radio stations are good.

bernie: wait, hold up. you're a psyker?
melman: yes.
bernie: you've met the emperor then?!
melman: yes, i've been in his presence.
bernie: *squees and prostrates himself*

melman: you know how bernie is... aggravating?
wynnifred: soooooo much.
melman: i think he's a blank.
wynnifred: i think he's just an idiot.

bernie: so, i'm going undercover in a strip club? the emperor expects i guess.
grigori ooc: i feel so jealous right now.
dm ooc: shut up and keep driving your 16 wheeler. at least the radio works.

wynnifred: *munches on a huge bag of candy in a traumatized fashion*

grigori: you know, when i woke up this morning, i didn't expect to steal my boss' pants flying high on 'slaught and obscura.

v5.32 ooc: so what happens to brigbal?
dm: until further notice, he'll keep stealing ham sandwiches and chewing on books.
bernie ooc: think he could get me some too?

melman: our vodka budget just increased!
bernie: *happy dance*

[LordCdrMilitant]

"You know this is a good setting when you can go from fighting Egyptian Terminators with X-COM to being in a wild west train heist where the bandits are from Mad Max."

[HalfTangible]

"You know this is a good setting when you can go from fighting Egyptian Terminators with X-COM to being in a wild west train heist where the bandits are from Mad Max."

Warhammer 40k? The first one sounds like Necrons but I'm not sure about the second. Chaos cultists? Maybe Speed Freek Orks?

[Guizonde]

Warhammer 40k? The first one sounds like Necrons but I'm not sure about the second. Chaos cultists? Maybe Speed Freek Orks?

for me the first are more akin to thousand sons, but necrons can fit, too. the second could be simply bandits, but any other scenario is possible.

[LordCdrMilitant]

Warhammer 40k? The first one sounds like Necrons but I'm not sure about the second. Chaos cultists? Maybe Speed Freek Orks?

Yeah, it's Warhammer 40k. The party helped the Deathwatch board a Necron tombship, and then went to help deal with some Orks on a frontier/agri world.

I actually run 2 40k-based RPG's per week: Black Crusade and Wrath and Glory. I also just play 40k [IG, SoB, SW, GK, Custodes], I have a serious plastic crack addiction ;).


for me the first are more akin to thousand sons, but necrons can fit, too. the second could be simply bandits, but any other scenario is possible.

Necrons are definitely "Egyptian Terminators" way more than the TSons will ever be, what with their Reanimation Protocols being called "We'll Be Back" at one point in time and their general skeletons & pyramids aesthetic and all their titles and names being obviously Ancient Egypt inspired like "Phaeron" and "Imhotekh". And as for the Orks being Mad Max Soccer Hooligans, have you seen the new Ork buggies, especially the Boomdakka Snazzwagon?

[Telok]

Boomdakka Snazzwagon?

I want one. The name alone...

On topic:

"Hollow chocolate bunnies are a sign of the apocalypse."
"Give me all you flamer reloads. I need to cleanse this candy shop."

[LastCenturion]

"Can My Immortal be real in this universe?"

I hadn't read it up until now.

[TriggerGunther]

More Albedo Quotes:

Asrhei: Kicks in the back door to a Supermarket and draws her concealed Vz. 61 Skorpion I demand to speak with the manager!


Alysle (Only surviving Net Cultist, Allied NPC): ...So you see, the Net was put here by the creators to monitor all of us. They uplifted us so they can use us as some kind of science experiment for something.
Chahr: And so the creators are the ones putting the chemicals in the water to make the native amphibians change gender?
Alysle: No no, that's definitely the reptilian aliens, this is a completely different grand conspiracy!


Biggs: Yeah, I'm gonna go take a dump. Asrhei is in charge until I get back.
Asrhei: Alright, where are the ACV launch codes?


Nathan: Can I roll computer science to invent Pong?


Amy: What makes you say Asrhei isn't a good person?
Nathan: Are you sure we're talking about the same Jackal? She turned that rabbit into a pretzel!
Amy: Yes, but they were evil!


Biggs: DM? I'd like to shoot myself in the head with my pistol! This will not do anything more than Wound me.
DM: Err... what?
Asrhei, OOC: No, no, he's right. Looking at the damage table for the pistol, it can't do anything but wound him even on a crit.
DM: shakes head ...Roll Sidearms.

[Guizonde]

More Albedo Quotes:

Asrhei: Kicks in the back door to a Supermarket and draws her concealed Vz. 61 Skorpion I demand to speak with the manager!


see? this is why you never go full karen. 'murica. i think. although judging by the choice of machine pistol...

[TriggerGunther]

see? this is why you never go full karen. 'murica. i think. although judging by the choice of machine pistol...
So this is one of those situations where while it's funny without context, it's even funnier with context. Game takes place in a Sci Fi Universe where firearms technology is only about late 20th century, not America, and the DM just uses real world analogues for the kinetic weapons because most of the illustrations in the rulebook are just real weapons. In the rulebook it's called "Pistol, Automatic - Kinetic Weapon Model 1 - 24"
So the party, Consisting of Amy, Nathan, Tek [a Fennec NPC Driver Companion/Asrhei's boyfriend] and Asrhei [Biggs was Absent this session], were sent a mission by the local Guerrilla forces to steal food from the ILR held city. Amy and Nathan were supposed to sneak into the Manager's office of a supermarket and steal the shipping manifest so we knew when the next truck of food was coming, which we were to highjack. While they were doing so, Asrhei went to go use the Supermarket's bathroom. Nathan got caught and was about to have his cover blown by a police officer who wanted to take his fingerprints, which would not have been in the ILR database. Asrhei, hearing this over the radio, assembled the M79 Grenade launcher she keeps in her backpack, slung it over her shoulder, and kicked open the bathroom door, hipchecking the emergency Exit along the way so the alarms went off and she could take advantage of the Chaos. She then screamed this at the top of her lungs and punched the manager in the snout.

Also, More no context Albedo quotes, because I have a lot.

Amy: Chahr... I'm sorry to tell you but... Amar... She didn't make it.
Chahr: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME, I MADE MY MISTAKES, GOT NOWHERE TO RUN


DM: You find the network technician sitting his chair, hands still on the keyboard. His neck was slit open by a crude blade and the net relay he was guarding destroyed.
Biggs: Damnit Nathan, this is what you get for inventing Pong!


Biggs: I was just out here looking for the sandwich delivery guy, have you seen them?
Enemy Guard NPC: Oh man, that's probably what that alarm was about. I'll tell everyone to stand down. The guard radios everyone else to stand down, then turns around and comes face to face with Asrhei, who rolled very well on her Stealth check
Asrhei:I gotta Knuckle Sandwich Delivery for ya! Asrhei lands a haymaker on him and rolls max damage, shattering his jaw


Nathan: That's not a Kangaroo Accent, Now this. This is a Kangaroo accent.
DM: Wait, did you just call an Australian accent a Kangaroo accent?


Revolver Ocelot [Revolver Ocelot]: I just love the feeling of sliding a well greased cartridge into...
Amy: I shoot him before he can finish his monologue. Rolls a few dice to contest his speed and shoot him
DM: You slide a well greased bullet into his cranium, apparently.

[HalfTangible]

From one of the few IRL games I've played (this was a long time ago obv)

Antipaladin: "Come on, you brave, brave boy, come in here and get me!"
Me (Paladin): "No, this is obviously a trap. The monk can keep throwing rocks at you indefinitely, all we gotta do is stand here."
Monk: "Yeah."
DM: "Okay. Alchemist's turn."
Alchemist: "I step forward into the cave to lob a flask of acid at her."
DM: "As soon as you step in a wall of force rears up behind you."
Me: internal screaming

[Guizonde]

militia: with that kind of damage, i'm dead three and a half times over.
louka: i love this game.

dm: ok, let's recap last session. zbeb?
zbeb: 2d10

lucii: what? 105 [platinum piece equivalent] per month? ok, i think we can buy strawberries.

militia: i drink raki out of malax's boot.
malax: uh, i haven't taken my boots off for a week.
militia: it adds to the taste.

malax: i try to poop my abacus and i *roll* fail badly. my stomach hurts.

dm: you see a guy getting his head eaten off.
mallax: *rolls evaluation* yup, he's dead.

militia: can i reboot the medic? he's broken again.

belsunce: a plate of strawberries? handcuffs? all that's missing is the whipped cream.

militia: you know if he heals 17 wounds he revives me twice over.

zbeb: i'm the face you don't see.

[EricAlvin]

DM1: "No, the ogre is not Shrek, stop it!"

PC1: "May I choose a Jar of Bees?"

PC1: "How many eggs can I buy?"

PC2: "I'll name my horse Chattahoochee"

DM2: "I mean... you COULD use that, but..." *Grimaces*

PC3: "I cast lightning bolt on EricAlvin! What do you mean 'No'? You said I could do it the next time he casts 'Long Arms'!"

DM3: "Nonono, in a good way! It's a good thing, really! A positive effect! It's not evil!"

PC2: "I think i'll name this one... ChattaTwochee"

DM1: "No, that is not Fiona! Cut it out!"

[DeTess]

Me: Well, the cold never really bothered me anyway...
Me, immediately afterwards: I'm so, so sorry.

[HalfTangible]

GM: Oh relax, what's the worst [NPC] could do?

Me: Find [P1's] friends and family and forge them into his new soulsteel cuirass? Occasionally reveal he's in the room with her while she's bathing, making it impossible to be comfortable in the shower ever again? Invent Twitter? Pass out false ads for her escort services at pricing so affordable even the desperate starved hobos of Thorns can afford it, meaning everyone in the entire city tries to find her and proposition her? Turn the bodies of her friends and family into flesh golems and send them after her? Oh! Trick her into eating innocent people made into "pork buns" through the application of illusions and trickery?

P1: "You are thinking way too hard about this."

[LordCdrMilitant]

"If you shoot for your dreams, sometimes your dreams shoot back."

[Vknight]

From an Exalted game.

Rose; So it is time we do politics.
Onyx; So you mean kidnapping right?


Onyx; I do not think you understand I'm a god.
Rose; You are an exalted not a god.
Onyx; I hear the prayers of people and can grant minor miracles with my will alone if that isn't a god then what am i missing the animal sacrifices?


Rose; Yup you are crazy your body has gone insane and your soul is fighting it.
Crazy Chimera Lunar; Oh well that explains the murder
Onyx; *WHIPS A BOTTLE AT HIS HEAD!*, AND THAT IS FOR RUNNING!


Gm; I don't know who won tonight when it comes to accomplishments.
Quinn; I played an Organ and had my Torment lowered
Cricket; I was a nerd with a mage
Ruby; I got some necromancer spells
-Everyone Stares at Onyx-
Onyx; I only slept with 1 Dragon King.


Gm; In the morning when you go to leave the Dragon King gives you a kiss she is very impressed.
Onyx; I de-materialize like a god and repeat what she said back to me in old realm.
Gm; Ok 1 she is blushing realizing you understood that, and 2 you just mind freaked a Dragon King because she thought you were not a god since her power lets her detect gods.
Ruby; Did you just spend 12 Essence to mind freak a one-night stand?
Onyx; Worth it

[Yora]

Played today on Roll20, of course. :smallwink:

"We have to make sure nobody comes to the inn and starts looking where everyone has gone."
"Maybe we can put up a sign that says the inn is closed?"
"Perhaps we can get the mayor to say that so they believe it."
"Or there is a disease and everyone has to stay at home."

Evil priest plans to cast command on initiative count 4 to make the PCs cower on the floor for one round and buy himself more time.
Fighter on initiative count 5 wants to order him to surrender. "Stop fighting and get down on the floor!"
Priest: "No U!"
Fighter fails Wisdom save.

[Guizonde]

bernie: wait, those were psykers? i thought they were vegans!

v5.32: what does the diagnostor say?
grigori: salty.

dm: in the grim darkness of the far future, there is no spoon.

wynnifred: i out-kinked a drukhari.

langlois: incoming pineapple! *boom*
dm: oooh, no lube, no less!
bernie: man, are drukhari kinky or what?

melman: you're a pariah, bernie.
bernie: *cries in potterhead*

bernie: limiter off...
wynnif: *flinches*
bernie: limiter on...
wynnif: *sighs contentedly*
bernie: limiter off...
wynnif: *flinches*
bernie: i'm gonna have fun.

grigori: look, i always thought you were an idiot, bernie, but now i realize you're just handicapped! it's better, i think?

langlois: welp, no more dark eldar. drinks on the boss!
inquisitor melman: wait, what?

v5.32: i hook myself up to a lascannon battery and work sleeplessly for a week.
grigori: is that the equivalent of a caffeine i.v. for toasters?

grigori: v! quit hitting on the toaster! i want breakfast!
v5.32: she loves me more, meatbag!

[Necroticplague]

Nesdu: The fact you refer to expelling stream of plasma as vomiting instead of breathing implies some very horrific things about your digestive system.
Gene: Trust me, you don't know the half of it.

[Rater202]

"That is what I would be trying to do if the Clans were not such bastards about hoarding knowledge... No offense intended, but seriously, everyone knows that designer genes are a better fit."

"I also hate shoes. They are uncomfortable and make it so that I can not feel the ground beneath my feet. Did you know that the synthetic caps at the end of the laces of civilian shoes are called aglets? Their true purpose is most sinister."

[Telok]

"Drunk knitting grandmothers playing mmos. Just what I needed."

[DeTess]

Cleric: I miss having minions we can boss around.
Alchemist: Right now, we are the minions being bossed around.

Cleric: But having two different types of rope is important! The hemp one is for people that don't want to be tied up, and the silk one is for the people that do.

[NRSASD]

Well there goes that theory… It was the sheep all along!

Can I use hordebreaker on the cube since it fills the hallway?
No, it’s alone.
No cube is a horde unto itself!

The greatest challenge of my life, facing the fallen High Abbot of the Brotherhood, and I fall into a pit!

[PintoTown]

Bard: “Nevermet... a town I didn’t like.”

Ranger: “My wolf companion needs healing.”
Cleric: “That’s ridiculous! Is he going to convert?!”

Supers Mage: “I crit on my Dispel Illusion spell.”
Super Soldier: “OH MY GOD! Capitalism is a lie! We’re just exploiting our weak! It’s just making more and more money!”

[Rater202]

"And I'm not a child. I'm fourteen. I've snuck into a night club and made out with a drunk teenager who snuck in with a fake ID so I could steal her wallet and buy a sandwich. You gonna call me a kid after that?"

[Guizonde]

lucii in a high pitched voice: who cares about genitals when there's profit to be made?

dm: yeah, i'm losing xp for that pun.
malax: what.

dm: the power armor is coded in lolcat.
louka: i can't spell ok?!

lucii: sweet, they didn't forget about my 2a.m. strawberries!

louka: did i accidentally solve a plot hole in the future?

militia: minus one xp for the dm.

lucii: so we climb aboard the s.s. barbie...

louka: that's heavy.
militia: *rolls* yup.

malax: what's this?
npc: dirt.
malax: i eat it. it tastes good.

malax: the hell is this?
npc: a tree. it's not food. it grows food.

[Lord Torath]

lucii: so we climb aboard the s.s. barbie...American Barbie or Australian Barbie?

It matters.

[Guizonde]

American Barbie or Australian Barbie?

It matters.

claus barbie, actually.

[LordCdrMilitant]

D&D 5e:
AEthelwyn: Strain gauges haven't been invented yet, right?

AEthelwyn: I would like to buy a fireproof table frame with rails on top of it, high strength scales, ...
GM: Just tell me what you're planning
AEthelwyn: Flame test stand and instrumentation.

AEthelwyn: You said your tests usually end in conflagration. Is this because it can't be steered and crashes, it catches the pilots pants on fire, or fire comes out of somewhere it's not supposed to?
Gnomish Inventor: Yes.

[Rater202]

"For example, instead of getting angry, imagine a harem of strapping lads and comely lasses praising and worshiping your perfect, godlike body."

[moonfly7]

Oh Lord my game had so many I can barely remember all of them, here are some I do:

DM(me): ... Habren you now have permanent cold resistance, and Lucrio you lose another 3 inches of your height.
Lucrio: BRO! Bois, he doesn't know what he's done! I'm 11 inches tall now!
DM(me): I may have miss calculated

Reddel: Your 11 FREAKING inches tall, how is your penis a foot long?
Lucrio: my body is hollow and it retracts.
Habren: where the heck are your organs?

Habren: did you just steal my one on one kill of a Phoenix with a single effing magic missile???

*Group walking up on the MASSIVE body of a dead terrasque*
Lucrio: what the HELL happened here?
Skye: once again it appears I an to perfect to die.

Skye*shifter speaking deep German accent*: once when I was younger I tried to slit my own wrist, but the knife, she broke on my skin. I tried to throw myself off a cliff but I floated safely to the ground. I ate sand once in desperation and trapped out glass. Finally, I tried to drown myself in the waves of the ocean, but my feet would not sink beneath the waves. It was then I realized I was to perfect to die.
DM(me): mind explaining how you have 39 AC?????
Skye: it was an accident

Matrix: imma light my weed bush familiar on fire and have him get the little @$!#$@ high as @$!#!!.
Lucrio: and then we stab them

Lucrio whilst chucking 6 javelin of lightning at a kraken: I'm the god of lightning @$!#$@! ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS!

Lucrio: I'm gonna need a pig, a head band of intellect, and as many glyphs of warding as we can cast.

DM: congratulations you short jerk, you just one shotted a god.
Tassel: he is a God

Habren: what if they confiscate our weapons?
Reddel: I've got the best weapon right here! *pulls Lucrio out of coat*
Lucrio: Surprise $!#:×+@!!!

Entire group: hash tag, just cult things

Reddel: evening officer*tips imaginary hat*

Lucrio: if you even think of buying the deck of many things I'll cut your balls off.

[moonfly7]

And from my MNM game:
Gaea: I turn into sonic and use my shot gun to double tap them by blowing their heads of. JUSTICE!
Mark ooc: I need to draw this
Gaea ooc: there's lots of blood

Gaea: don't you see? We can't die, we're gods!
Entire group: backs away slowly.

GM(me): Ok Mobile Base Jim just dropped a massive military base in the middle of a new York City street, and the hero's are calling you bad guys.

Specter: the rat is clearly the leader!
GM(me): no he's just psychic I swear

Me: this time don't make an insane one though ok?
Gaea's player making new character: I promise to try.

Specter: oh no we still have the bomb

GM(me): Your going to attack?
Spiderhobo: yes
GM(me) OK, you see the hobos shirt burst open as four more arms come out, revealing not the pot belly you expected but toned bad.
Spiderhobo: and I'm holding 6 glocks.

Mark: wait, your lugers shoot 50 cal rifle shells, aren't those like, 8 inches long?
Spiderhobo: yes, and now you need to draw these lugers.

Mark: darn it! They re putting all 200 of my demons in trash bags!

[Yora]

My party got its first magic item today after defeating the first major antagonist. Immediately assumed it was cursed, would make them enemies if they are seen having it, and could be magically tracked by other enemies looking for revenge.

This group is different. :smallamused:

[Aasimar]

"Aim for their heads! They're powerless without their heads!"

[Lord Raziere]

"Alright. Big ridiculous and is probably making a blacksmith cry somewhere. Perfect anime blade, wouldn't have it any other way."

"hold on 'Flora, I'm about to cast Screw Gravity."

"Here necro necro necro, where are you, you little immortal piece of trash?"

"So are you guys going to do things, or are your puppet strings just cut? Like, where are you now on a scale from "yay we're free from that tyrant!" to "you murdered our glorious leader!" are you? Just quickly making sure before I kick all your pelvises and kill the other two. You want out, now is your chance to say so."

"So....clan drama in general, with added "we were better in the paaaaast!" whining?"
"If you want to reduce complex social issues as a result of generations of cultural conditioning and strange circumstances ramming up against each other in the most stupid and insulting manner possible, yes."

[Guizonde]

v5.32: so, basically, bernie's a really bad case of meningitis.
(no, i didn't forget words)

grigori: psykers are grenades to the bait and tackle.

langlois: your sanction is prison, prison, death, death, death again, death then prison, flaying, transformation into a servitor, more prison and death, and a fine.

wynnifred: i totally pulled a brigbal. I OUT-BRIGBAL'D BRIGBAL!!

bernie: you need to go in there proud, sure of yourself, and completely butt-naked.
wynnif: aw great, i'm gonna dominate a horny xenos and you guys are gonna check me out doing it.
v5.32: i'm so gonna check her out.
grigori: great, a pervy cyborg nerd girl.

bernie: don't f*ck with xenos is so taking on a new meaning right now.

v5.32: even drukhari-bernie is disappointing.

wynnif: i need caramel as mouthwash! *swallows a donut whole*

bernie: langlois' the law, and it seems above gravity itself.

[LordCdrMilitant]

AEthelwyn: Ah Emma, there you are. We were just talking about you!
Emma: About what...
AEthelwyn: So, you consider yourself perceptive, right?
Emma: Yes...
AEthelwyn: You're basically the most perceptive member of the crew, right? Well, after Sakhur, but he needs to steer the ship, so most perceptive non-critical member.
Emma: I don't like where this is going. What are you planning?
AEthelwyn: So, I was able to get a look at the island through the cloud bank with my binoculars, but only briefly. I was thinking we could strap you into a hardness and lower your down to beneath the storm to...
Emma: NOPE!


AEthelwyn: Does anyone think this is a good idea?
GM: AEthelwyn seems to ask that a lot, right before she makes everything worse: "Does anyone think this is a good idea? 'Cause I do."

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Your jaw is a hunger that only face can feed."

[Rater202]

"Ahh! Giant food with a stabby-thingy!"

Two of them are making out with each other for some reason. It's kind of offputting.

[HalfTangible]

A giant squid monster in armor forged from the souls of the dead just popped out a pair of plasma cannons and blasted us like it was a blastoise using Hydro Pump.

Our ST: :smallwink: Exalted! A grim and gritty, bronze age Conan-like game! :smalltongue:

[Lord Raziere]

A giant squid monster in armor forged from the souls of the dead just popped out a pair of plasma cannons and blasted us like it was a blastoise using Hydro Pump.

Our ST: :smallwink: Exalted! A grim and gritty, bronze age Conan-like game! :smalltongue:

This post is possibly the most accurate summary of Exalted I've ever read.

"and your asking a saiyan to stand still while a fight would be in front of them! Thats like dangling a piece of juicy meat in front of a tiger while there is a chain wrapped around their neck! It'd be torture! But yeah also the protection thing."

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "Yeah well, hopefully when Dr. Fusion figures out this fake test result, he doesn't punch me in the face. It's my favorite face that I own. Also, the only face I own."

[Necroticplague]

"Narrative matters as much as physics, so don't bother measuring distance or think running faster helps. Just fake a few character arcs. And if we pick up any tag-alongs, make sure to detour by the Caves Of Tragic Heroic Sacrifice instead of the Cliffs Of Lethal Betrayal. And, whatever you do, don't eat anything at The Cottage That Feels More Like Home Than Yours Ever Did. I'm pretty sure we'll meet who we're looking for at The Hut Of The Ancient Mystic Dispensing Conveniently Relevant Wisdom"

[LordCdrMilitant]

"Narrative matters as much as physics, so don't bother measuring distance or think running faster helps. Just fake a few character arcs. And if we pick up any tag-alongs, make sure to detour by the Caves Of Tragic Heroic Sacrifice instead of the Cliffs Of Lethal Betrayal. And, whatever you do, don't eat anything at The Cottage That Feels More Like Home Than Yours Ever Did. I'm pretty sure we'll meet who we're looking for at The Hut Of The Ancient Mystic Dispensing Conveniently Relevant Wisdom"

Sounds like Elan.

[TherianTheorist]

Sounds like navigating the Wyld.

[Yora]

"If I manage to charm the captain, I will shout 'Wench, more ale!'
If the charm fails and I need the fighters to start a bar brawl and the rogues to stab the captain in the back, I will shout 'Wench, more beer!'"

(Simple plan, no chance for any miscommunications.)

[Necroticplague]

Sounds like Elan.


Sounds like navigating the Wyld.

Probably because it’s someone like the former giving us a crash course on doing the latter.

[Guizonde]

v5.32: you won't be laughing when i've got my lascannon chicken!

[Personification]

Me to Paladin OOC: It's simple. You work as a Caterers' Guild enforcer. If someone doesn't pay their deposit, you smite them with righteous anger.

Bard: I cast Vicious Mockery on the zombie.
DM: OK, how do you insult it?
Me: How about "you are like a microwaved burrito, somehow both too hot and too cold and nobody likes you."
Bard: OK, I say that.
DM: [rolls] The zombie is not insulted, mostly because it doesn't know what a microwave burrito is.

[Man on Fire]

"This isn't Lord of the Rings, calm down!"

[GreatWyrmGold]

"I can only attack friendly spiders!"

I could not roll successful attacks for crap, until a temporarily mind-controlled spider provoked an attack of opportunity*, at which point I rolled a natural 20.

*We didn't realize that wouldn't work until after I rolled damage.

[Guizonde]

syldariss: an ork soldier named roh-bair? ok i'll bite.
roh-bair: don't worry that's my job.

[Man on Fire]

"Speaking from a spider's perspective, there is nothing wrong about eating your mother."

[Guizonde]

roh-bair: *roars*
syldariss *flinches*

syldariss: *casts chain lightning*
roh-bair: *flinches*
dm: ok, you guys are even now.

[Necroticplague]

“I prefer to think of myself as a thief that accepts commissions.”

[Foeofthelance]

"Can someone tell me how community service turned into kidnapping?"

"This is the primary city of adventure. The locals are use to random bears running into taverns, dragging a halfling out by the back of his neck, and then suplexing him into the pavement."

[Rater202]

"I don't know my parents. All I know is that my mother probably mated with a dozen males that night, that she laid her eggs in a random hole in the wall, and then when I came out white on hatching I was dragged away from the clutch to be trained as a sage and what I want be damned. Maybe I don't want to be a sage. Maybe I want to eat noodles, move to the land of beaches, and walk around naked. That's my business!"

"...You are a snake. You do not normally wear clothes to begin with... Even now, since you did not leave that kimono behind when you assumed your true form earlier I have to assume that it is either an illusion cast over your transformed body or a construct molded from your chakra."

"Stop picking apart my nonsense."

[Guizonde]

v5.32: can you guys help me catch a giant rat for an experiment?
bernie: let's make it a contest: boys versus girls. biggest rat caught wins!
grigori: this won't end well.

melman: you won't get two inquisitors involved into your silly bet. mostly because i'd win.

grigori: quit antagonizing the boss, bernie!

wynnifred: brigbal stole an inquisitor's lunch. i think i like this guy.
v5.32: he's like a paperwork ninja.

dm: squick, plop. squick, plop. squick, plop. squick, plop...

grigori: by the emperor, i never want to live that again. *cries fully clothed in a shower*
bernie: *sobs uncontrollably fully clothed in the shower*

v5.32: yeah, kinda glad i didn't spy on the showers right then and there.

wynnifred: man, voidborn are weird! *proceeds to telekinetically pour tea in a sugar bowl*

[Telok]

DM: "Hmm. AT-ST are really pretty cheap. I wonder if the PCs can handle 30 of them. Nah, it'd be a pain to run. Just three AT-AT then, unless they bring the tanks."

[LordCdrMilitant]

DM: "Hmm. AT-ST are really pretty cheap. I wonder if the PCs can handle 30 of them. Nah, it'd be a pain to run. Just three AT-AT then, unless they bring the tanks."

This describes my game, except 40k themed.

Katherine's thought process: "An encounter group of a company of SPA, an AAA battery, and a company of mechanized infantry with two more companies off-map waiting to reinforce and cut off retreat lines sounds fair."
Party: *dies*

[Miltonian]

Rogue Trader: "Sir, I believe this planet belongs to me now."
Governor: "Don't see your name on it."
The Rogue Trader sits in silence for a moment, then picks up the Vox
RT: "Captain?"
Captain: "Sir?"
RT: "Warm up the lance and write my name on the northern continent."

[Mr.Sandman]

Rogue Trader: "Sir, I believe this planet belongs to me now."
Governor: "Don't see your name on it."
The Rogue Trader sits in silence for a moment, then picks up the Vox
RT: "Captain?"
Captain: "Sir?"
RT: "Warm up the lance and write my name on the northern continent."

CHA? why does the moon say CHA?

[BlueHamsterBean]

(Long time lurker here; happy to finally share some of the madness I’ve seen/encouraged in gaming :smallsmile: )

Player: “I Micheal Phelps dive trident first off the dock into the water.”
Me (DM): “...Ok, make an attack.” Hits
“There is a loud ‘clang’ and a long and drawn out ‘ow!’ From beneath the dock.”

Me (DM): “Technically, both you and the giant ferret are medium sized, but since it’s awesome and hilarious, I will allow it.”
Player: “Giddyup!”

[DigoDragon]

All this happened in one fight by me:


"Guys, you can't fight in here, this is the war room!"

"Wonder druid powers, activate!!"

"Does that make 'em Rackham Sackham Roguebots?"

*giant goat shrugs intensifies*

"I shed no tears in her direction."

"I drop the ground like it's hot."

[NRSASD]

Customs Agent: Goods from illicit sources tend not to have a bill of sale.
Player: These goods aren't illicit! We killed the former owners!
Customs Agent: ...huh.

[AdmiralCheez]

GM: "Okay, that spell takes him from Pompeii disaster victim to museum Rennaisance statue."

[Xapi]

The party returns to town to find a kobold, who has been somewhat friendly to them before, in a cage in the middle of the town square. He's been wrongfully incarcerated for a murder the party's half orc fighter, Wardrobe, is actually responsible for.

Wardrobe: Ok, can I break him free?
GM: Hmmm, there's a couple ways you could try to, but this is the town square at noon, si there's a lot of people around.
Wardrobe: That won't work
Party's monk: Why do you want to free him?
Wardrobe: So I can kill him without anyone watching, duh!

The party decides to pin the murder on the cultists that attacked them shortly after the murder, and convince the Town Sheriff to let the kobold go with just a 50gp fine.

Wardrobe: OK, I think we should chip in 10gp each to let the kobold go back with his money.

Party's Monk: But you just wanted to kill him!

Wardrobe: Yeah, but I don't want him to walk out with a grudge. Either he is dead, or he is friendly.

[DeTess]

Druid: What is your whale doing on top of our town hall?

[BlueHamsterBean]

GM: “You look in the storehouse and see fine particles of pyrite filtering down from the rafters.”
Players: “Nope, nope, nope!”

Player: “Well, I guess all those years as a lab animal technician finally came back to bite me... literally.”

Player: “Is our captive regenerating?”
Me(GM): “Yes, why?”
Player: “I pull out my hatchet-“
Me(GM): “The captive gets a worried look on their face and stops regenerating...”

[Lord Torath]

GM: “You look in the storehouse and see fine particles of pyrite filtering down from the rafters.”
Players: “Nope, nope, nope!”:smallconfused: What's wrong with pyrite? I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...

[BlueHamsterBean]

:smallconfused: What's wrong with pyrite? I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...

Suffice it to say that we have an imaginative GM :smalltongue:

He got us paranoid that some demonic presence was being transmitted via pyrite particles... that some cult was hoarding. Turned out that the pyrite was just an ingredient for making a substance that was, in fact, highly suspect.

I should add these quotes came from different campaigns: the GM with the pyrite runs the weekly roll20 Stars Without Number game I play in; the game I GMed here was a 5e oneshot.

[Necroticplague]

:smallconfused: What's wrong with pyrite? I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...

Like flour, can explode as a powder in the air. It’s something that can make a coal mine blow up.

[BlueHamsterBean]

Like flour, can explode as a powder in the air. It’s something that can make a coal mine blow up.

Huh, I can honestly say I had no idea; thanks for sharing this! Always happy to learn new chemistry trivia. :smallsmile:

It makes sense in retrospect: so long as it oxidizes somewhat easily, a fine particulate is probably gonna be an explosion hazard.

[NRSASD]

[1:32 PM] A: welp
[1:32 PM] A: I gave an elephant vampirism
[1:32 PM] Q: What the **** man

[Lord Lemming]

"It's like a Russian nesting doll of boom."

[BlueHamsterBean]

Player: “When did you decide to include Angry Birds in your campaign?”
Me(GM): “A few minutes after you entered that portal to the Abyss...”

Player: “I think Shadow Penny’s five cents is more like six cents really.”
Party: Groans

[DeTess]

DM: So I've gotten from you guys two acts of sabotage, one of espionage and one of large-scale terrorism...
Player: ... maybe I should tone mine down a bit.

[Guizonde]

dm: ok, new game. present the players.
me: ok, my name is rabbi jacob, and this is my automatic combat goat, mechoui.
suricate: oh, and here i thought i was the only goofy character.
michel*: my character can't remember his name. i'm the medic.

despite using a different name every time we call him, the medic will be now called michel for simplicity

dm: ok, so what does the rabbi and...
suricate: *large burp*
dm: ok, so the goat is digesting the scenery...
rabbi: i'll make sure she saves room for the plot.

michel: ok, i'm gonna heal you *grabs a lighning rod and a tesla coil*

suricate: i may have gotten my ass kicked doing it, but i stole the goat's lunch.
dm: y tho.

[DigoDragon]

"I crush his head with my giant hand to knock him out."

[BlueHamsterBean]

"I crush his head with my giant hand to knock him out."

Sounds like someone was trying a nonlethal KO with Bigby's favorite toy. :smalltongue:

Me(GM): "You are barely able to notice the mist drifting into a hut with copious amounts of smoke exiting it. The hut has a sign with 'Frodo Moneybaggins' written on it."
Player OOC: Chuckles "You actually put that in?"

[Deathhappens]

Player: "Wait! I'm not unconscious, I just remembered the 10 temp hit points from the bard song!"
DM: "You hit your head on a rock, take 2d6 fall damage".

[Man on Fire]

Scout: I need to know if all this time I wasn't working for people who killed may boyfriend
Farmgirl: Wait, you have a boyfriend?
Scout: Well, obviously not anymore!

"The chicken of chaos is a goose."

[BlueHamsterBean]

“Roll for yak down.”

(Surprisingly, the topic of conversation wasn’t Vicious Mockery.)

[Rater202]

"Of course, This is Normal has an upper limit to how much it can make people rationalize away. Going outside in just your underwear? Yeah, you could get away with that. Running around naked and beating people upside the head with a rubber chicken? Little too much for most people to ignore. But, with something minor as long as you act confidently, no one will suspect a thing."

[BlueHamsterBean]

“Would you mind if we came aboard and sampled your finest protein?”

“But of course, though I assure you it is as bland as that on your vessel.”

[Personification]

"It's like three Pizza Rats with the added issue of alimony!"

"NO! Those are blood pickles!"

[braveheart]

You are a dog, literally. I mean literally literally.

[DigoDragon]

Oze: "So what's your name?"
Bubbles: "It's... Bubbles. Agent bubbles."
Icebreaker: "Your knuckles spell Cobra."
Nebula: "Is that your real name?"
Bubbles: "We're getting off the subject."

Lethe: "What constitutes 5th degree murder? Vehicle arson is at least reasonable."
Icebreaker: "Clearly we know which is the worst crime here."
Nivix: "The aggravated jaywalking?"
Icebreaker: "Exactly! He's a pegasus! Why is he walking ANYWHERE?!"

Icebreaker: "Hey Nebula! I need you to heat something for me!"
Nebula: "Only if you want it exploded!"
Icebreaker: "Well, I mean over the fire, not in it. You know, like a marshmallow on a stick."
Nebula: "Oh wow that's demeaning."

Icebreaker: "Fine I'll take it home. Maybe I can find an industrial-sized bag of rice or something."

Smirkfluff: "I'm gonna be so mad if we just destroyed some bird-watcher's drone."
GM: "Who equips electrical guns for bird-watching?"
Icebreaker: "This is Shadowrun!"
Nebula: "You've clearly never seen geese."

GM: "The cromomiter... cromotimer... cro..."
Icebreaker: "Chronometer."
GM: "The time clock thing..."

Nebula: "What's this about vehicle skills? I just ride on Smirk's back all the time."
Nivix: "You don't need the piloting skill for that."
Nebula: "Nope. It's animal handling."
Entire Party: "Ooooohhhhh!!"
Smirkfluff: "Not even gonna go there. I'm gonna be the adult in this conversation."

Smirkfluff: "You don't need ranks in perception to use it, right?"
Icebreaker: "Yeah, you don't need training to open your eyes."

Nebula: "The most important thing is that this teal bathroom is burned."
Icebreaker: "No court will convict me!"

Lethe: "I want a moment of silence for the toilet that put up with a lot of crap from us."

[dunfluff]

Alum: I cast daylight on the darkness
Horell: Now its no longer deeper darkness
Scar: Now its shallow darkness
Horell: Or damp darkness

Lonji: Why would you attack me? i´m adorable.

Horell: Suddenly 3 glowing balls of light appear saying "HEY! LISTEN!"
Lonji: I never do!

Lonji: That makes no sense, but neither do I.

Lonji: Why are you an ooze person?
Horell: I´M NOT AN OOZE
SCAR: your either an ooze or a liar, and we don´t tolerate either of those.

Lonji: is it a super rapier of ghost slaying?
Horell: Don´t you have a rapier of racism.
Sasani: +1 rapier of indiscriminate bigotry

Lonji: Its like a mood-ring, if hes holding the ax, everything is ok. if hes not holding the ax... NOPE!

Alum: That´s the thing their not dead, they are undead.
Lonji: and we killed them so now they are redead.

Alum: Yes. That´s my crafting enchantment secret. Duct tape.

Lonji: I hold up my hand because despite all the screaming and explosions... now we have too be sneaky.

GM: What languages do you know?
horell: Not yeti
Lonji: Not yeti... yet.

Horell: oh right. your both slowly turning into undead abominations.
Lonji: NO WE'RE NOT! I HAVE THE STICK!

Lonji: Alum! Why did you make the scary thing back lit?!

Scar: (singing) when somethings evil in your way, always color spray.

Horell: Wait. Alum cant you turn into a rock?
Alum: Oh right. i forgot i could do that. I´m a rock now.

GM: You see something moving in the corpse
Lonji: ew, tapeworm

Alum: I´m a stone now. a shameful stone.

Scar: Scar almost swipes at you as you approach
Sasani: Do you swipe right or swipe left
Scar: You´ll never know. scar does not have a tinder account.

Lonji: Please remind me that she is a ghost.
GM: She is a ghost because you killed her.
Scar: Why did we have to kill her? couldnt we just spoon feed her protein pudding until she gave upp?
Alum: Well... that is A solution...
Lonji: didnt we get a special ghost killing sword?
Group: ... oh...

GM: For a second Lonji, you suddenly figured out this flying thing, then you collide with the backside of a horse.

Alum: That´s my turn, lasers and healing. Like god intended.

Alum: Yes we used to have imaginary friends. now we have imaginary enemies

Lonji: i dont trust this tall grass. There´s a reason it´s called bamboozeled.

[Necroticplague]

“As one of your hallucinations, I think you asking ‘what if the voices in my head are wrong?’ is the wrong question. If we’re truly just figments of your damaged psyche, being as wrong as you are is to be expected. The prospect that we appear to give you novel information is actually a deeper cause for concern.”

[BlueHamsterBean]

"I can't shake the feeling that this whole campaign is going to end up one long and drawn out 'The Aristocrats' joke."

[Reathin]

"Paddy's got the ass of a 12 year old!" ~Paddy
"What, in a jar?" ~Mike

"A bear walks up and she levitates and he's like 'aight'"

"You notice there's cats where cats there weren't before"

"You're sewing? What a loos..." -rolls dice - "****."

"What's my intelligence? Not 18. I'm pretty!"

"Paddy's a traveling artist, and this is his easel!"
"And the quiver the size of a child?"
"Those are his paint brushes! Let me paint ya' a picture!"

"Rukmar does reps with immovable rods"

"I need more ammo for my sword!"

"Finish your piss!"

"Then I ended up stalking a village"

"That couch is a little frisky"

"That's it! You're name's Tumblr!"
"No!"
"Well, you better tell me right now, or I'm writting you in as Tumblr"
"I don't have a name!"
"Do you have the ability to tumble?"
"....yes..."

"Happy kobold Hannukah"

"Gaelic senile muttering"

"Dwarves are being threatened by a serial barber"

"That's another one for the prostitute sniper"

"Yes. I am performing the coitus"

"The wind is blowing and your nips are frosty but DAMN you look good."

"If you find bits, that was him. That's how Paddy plays hide and seek."

"The bird can have the paste."

"You gotta shoot it in the thigh, like that dinosaur."

Druid: Did you know there was a tears to wine spell?
Seige Engineer: Finally, orphanages have a use

"It's only okay when I do it"

"I got you, bo. You might get mauled a little bit, but I got you."

"It's like a dragon that breaths adventurers"

"We'll communicate through sniper riffle Morse code"

"It's a choice between lightning or syphilis"

"It's head-licking good!"

"Check his pockets for loose confessions."

"It was like a spiritual mosh pit"

"Sup. Noticed you're green."

[Lord Raziere]

"Let us think then: who deserves to die and/or be tortured forever by smartass godling turning them into sweets then eating them?"

[username1]

"Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Murder Knife Joe?"

[BlueHamsterBean]

"What, all that quantumness and you couldn't come up with a good nickname?"

[Wizard_Lizard]

"No you can not seduce the mind flayer! Why are you trying to seduce the mind flayer?! Their biology is- actually no nevermind, what the hell, roll for it."

[LordCdrMilitant]

Keeper of Secrets: Spit her out! Only I get to eat my friends!

[dunfluff]

Sasani: most of what I know is punching.
GM: Romance is a kind of punching.
Alum: well he is hitting on you.
Sasani: And I do have ranks in ride.

GM: As you light the sky on fire with explosions, everyone is having a blast.

Horell: Oh, I thought that the tree was falling either on him or Sasani.
Alum: Not the type of wood you were expecting.

Lonji: So, were supposed to pretend to be normal? because that’s what were good at?

Alum: I think I realized why my charisma is so low.
Lonji: Because you’re an “#%&?

Alum: Is this part of the party? I don’t want to offend somebody.

Sasani: We'll burn that bridge when we get to it

Horell: We didn’t expect sneaky ninjas!
Lonji: they’re sneaky and silent, and unbelievably violent.

Sasani: you’re not a swashbuckler, you’re a squashbuckler.

Lonji: Why did you have a oni in your pocket?!

Horell: Suddenly cows.

Gm: how trampled are they?
Alum: in round terms... all of it.

Table: Hello I’m a table!
Alum: the novelty of getting killed by alum is that it will be interesting.

Horell: Wow.
Alum: don’t admire the enemy.
Horell: his explosions are larger than mine.
Alum: it’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it.

Horell: What! your telling me that the table doesn’t have combat expertise?
Alum: The table was literally born 5 sec ago. it hasn’t had time to learn any feats.
Scar: but doesn’t it have 4 feet?
Alum: Yes, it has not been defeated yet.

Alum: the table doesn’t really have a sense of preservation. it’s a table.

Horell: so, a horse, a rhino and a table walk into a bar?
Alum: yes. I don’t think ninjas are trained to handle this type of situation.

GM: You’re not very hidden of you.
Horell: yea. the city did give us a large parade.

Alum: that’s kind of expensive for cannon fodder.
Lonji: that makes me happy that they think they need a cannon to kill us?

Scar: I’m not educated. i refuse to be called educated.

Scar: you are the worst guard ever.
Lonji: yes, and I have the skills to prove it.

GM: it seems to be trying to lift you by your insides
Alum: But I like my insides, they are what fills out the outside.
Scar: They are what keeps you all nice and puffy

Horell: You created hentai the monster
GM: I was trying to make a scary drowning monster
Scar: you tried to cram tentacles down our throats
GM: Do you really want me to make this into that kind of adventure? because then we would all be uncomfortable all the time.

Lonji: which tentacle is currently... battling alum?
GM: well they all are battling him, but the top tentacle is the one that is currently... intrusive...

Alum: for being an airborne rock that’s not bad.
Scar: you should do like a stone and just roll with it.

Alum: So what’s the plan?
Lonji: We just start walking in a random direction until something rich attacks us.

[Darth Credence]

Paladin, in note: Bard, come join us, this dungeon is more extensive than we thought!
Bard, reply note: I have an appointment in the morning, so I'm going to stay here.
Bard, to DM: Can I find a nice cafe where I can sit on the patio and watch people while having a sandwich?

[Wizard_Lizard]

"I am MAXIMUM EDGE!!!!" -The party rogue.

[ZeroGear]

Rogur (R), Gnollkin Fighter: "You smell like a tree. What exactly are you?"
Everent (E), Sapling Bard: "I am Everent Fleur Parsilli Almondo Watercia Basillia du' Bouleau Gris, singer of the forest, musician of the green, prod descendant of the tree folk who have shepherded nature since ages past. I carry the songs of the earth, the whispers of leaves, and the long tales of roots wherever the winds of change may take me."
R: "Ah. So you're saying your Bark is worse than your Bite?"
E: "Watch it mutt."

Orero (O), Fetherfolk Sorcerer: "The buff hound is barking at the bishi tree. Should we stop them?"
Xernia (X), Silkweaver Cleric: "Let's wait until the clothes start flying."

Alexander (A), Human Iron Chef: "An angry dog, a depressed spider, a sexy tree, a magical birdbrain, and a monkey cook. What a team we make!"
Rest of party: "HEY!"

[AdmiralCheez]

"And what is your specialty?"
"Prime Rib."
"So... it's not even?"
"No, it means it's indivisible."
"With liberty, and Au Jus for all."

[Wizard_Lizard]

Player: “I should probably rest, let’s camp here for a bit.”
Character goes to sleep
Other player: “we aren’t going to sleep, I look up the chimney.”
Combat ensues

[Joe the Rat]

"He's my emotional support Pteranodon."

[ZeroGear]

A: “Dinner time everyone! Tonight’s stew is Woodland Surprise!”
O: “What’s the surprise?”
X (speaks in monotone): “What happened to the owlbear we killed?”

R: “Gotta day, didn’t expect it to taste this good!”
X: “Could you pass me the eyes? They have this nice squishy texture when you pop them in your cheek.”
R: “...I think I’m done eating.”

O: “There seems to be a cave up ahead. Maybe it’s the lair we’re looking for?”
E: “Sight it again my avian friend! I shall use my mastery of sound to bolster your senses!”
O: “But I can’t hear with my eyes!”

[Man on Fire]

"Dear Torm

I'm sorry for that whole "making a deal with a demon" thing". I assure you it won't change anything in our relations.

PS: Do you think you could let me add Divine Smite to Eldritch Blast?"

From a PC's diary.

[DigoDragon]

"With liberty, and Au Jus for all."

I almost spat out my drink. XD



GM: (misreading) "Today's high is a balmy 231 kelvin."
Icebreaker: "Did... did you just say 231 kelvin?"
Nebula: "I'm crying."

Nebula: "I'm just gonna be eternally on fire, all day it seems. ...this is fine."

Icebreaker: "I thought you were Smirkfluff's daughter?"
Nebula: "Uh... kinda, but not really..."
Icebreaker: "I mean not biologically."
Smirkfluff: (relieved) "Oh thank gods!"

Nebula: "Can I roll Intimidate to make the dice nice to me?"

Nebula: "Make the password Swordfish. Unless that's already taken, then make it Swordfish1."
Smirkfluff: "That's evil incarnate. Calm down, Satan."

Icebreaker: "I have no problems doing a posthumous mission."
GM: "Those are the best. There's no way you can let your Johnson down... well, they can't complain about getting let down."
Nebula: "Challenge accepted."
Smirkfluff: "Their expectations are about as low as they're gonna get."
Icebreaker: "About six feet under."

Icebreaker: "Friends I have great news. Our house comes with a Hatsune Miku."

GM: "The address is off State Road 9. It appears to be a cow farm."
Smirkfluff: "Oh gods..."
Oze: Huh."
Nivix: "I gotta do it. So this farm is dealing with a lot of bull****?"
Smirkfluff: "And there it is."

Lethe: "At least it's not a roomba with a flamethrower. For getting at those really really tough spots."

Smirkfluff: "I'm Smirkfluff, and welcome to Jackass."
Nearby Donkey: "Hey!" :smallannoyed:

Icebreaker: "Half a tank? Wow, this is a generous U-Haul place. We got four tires? Fancy!"

Smirkfluff: "When did I become the party tent?"

Smirkfluff: "What would happen if you try to enter Disney with just... a door?"
Icebreaker: "They give you a door charge."
Everyone: *groans*

Icebreaker: "Let me try the password. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5."
GM: *rolls a luck check. Nat 20*
GM: "Icebreaker..."
Icebreaker: "Don't tell me..."

Icebreaker: "Might be easier to edit my eyeball."

Oze: "Oze wants to steal this lab. Not just parts, the whole thing."

Icebreaker: "Very important question we didn't think of until now. Are there vents?"
GM: "Like air vents?"
Nebula: "Ssss, nnnggg!"
GM: "There is an HVAC system, yes."
Nebula: "Ngguh, no!"
Smirkfluff: "How big is it?"
GM: "It's very small. You're not gonna get more than like, a cat through that."
Nebula: "Okay so no..."
Icebreaker: "It's not going to be an alien from Alien. It'll be a thing from The Thing."
Nebula: "It's not a xenomorph, so it's fine!"

Smirkfluff: "Not that I don't trust weird pony voodoo, but... I don't trust weird pony voodoo."

Icebreaker: "I know what you're thinking, those brand name blood prices are too high."

Smirkfluff: "I'm shooting the zombie because it needs to stop having opinions."

Icebreaker: "And the body hasn't moved, right?"
GM: "Right, none of the bodies have moved."
Smirkfluff "I like how this is a thing we have to ask now."
Icebreaker: "I was only talking about the one in the truck, but..."

[DeTess]

DM: you manage to find a masterwork teddy bear.

[Duff]

"The journey should take about an hour. Plus or Minus 6 months

[DeTess]

"The journey should take about an hour. Plus or Minus 6 months

I've never seen or done the minus variant, but I've both experienced and inflicted the plus variant of this one XD

[Personification]

"And what is your specialty?"
"Prime Rib."
"So... it's not even?"
"No, it means it's indivisible."
"With liberty, and Au Jus for all."

Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS:

Word Girl: The next hot dog you'll be eating will be covered in justice... and ketchup, but mostly justice!
The show also had one of my favorite interactions between fake newscasters on television:
Newscaster 1: [Turns to Newscaster 2] Do you like hot dogs?
Newscaster 2: If the teleprompter says that I do then I do.
...
Newscaster 2: I do!

[AdmiralCheez]

Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS:

Word Girl: The next hot dog you'll be eating will be covered in justice... and ketchup, but mostly justice!
The show also had one of my favorite interactions between fake newscasters on television:
Newscaster 1: [Turns to Newscaster 2] Do you like hot dogs?
Newscaster 2: If the teleprompter says that I do then I do.
...
Newscaster 2: I do!

I never saw the show itself, but I vaguely remember seeing that quote somewhere. I just wish I remembered where!

[Personification]

I never saw the show itself, but I vaguely remember seeing that quote somewhere. I just wish I remembered where!

Honestly, there is a non-zero chance it was me posting in the Playground.

[Xervous]

“The boulder is strangely indifferent.”

[Rater202]

"The truth is, part of me has always wondered what it would be like to vivisect myself. I imagine it would hurt but what would the sensation of poking my own organs feel like besides that.

[Wizard_Lizard]

“This is a picture of Dyrrn the corruptor”
“Damn he looks hot”

[ZeroGear]

R: *violently shaking captured enemy* "TELL US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!"
DM: You don't here him say anything
R: "Guess it's time for this special dance! Let me go get my fishing hook and magnifying glass."
X: "Or you could take the gag off first."
R: "You crazy? He could bite!"

E: "It's definitely the way! My sense of direction is never wrong!"
A: "Leave it to a tree to find a forest."

E: "... I hereby grant thee Alexander, the title of False Sage of the Stew Pot!"
A: "Better false sage than false parsley."

O: "Why would smoke be coming out of a dragon's cave?"

[Man on Fire]

"Hello, could you please spare a minute of your time to talk about our lord and savior FIREBALL!"

[LordCdrMilitant]

Emma's Player [OOC]: I play RPG's to get away from the bureaucracy! Why are you doing this to me?!

[NRSASD]

May you always be counted among His Holy Numbers

We need a grandparent worth of babies

We're going to kill him... unless he has my mother's teeth.

[DigoDragon]

Reminds me of a great quote from Word Girl, one of many absolutely amazing kid shows on PBS

Oh wow, Word Girl. I remember watching that with my daughter when she was just a tot. Was an oddly funny show.



A: "Better false sage than false parsley."

Ayyyy. XD


Oze: "Technically not on fire yet!"

Icebreaker: "It's just 10 minutes of commercials, isn't it?"
Nebula: "Ten minutes of trollololololooo--"
Party: "Trollololoo looloo lolololololooo..."
GM: "Alrighty then."

Oze: "Just making sure the third generator is fully shut down."
GM: "Yes, it's shut down."
Smirkfluff: "Or is it? Dun da dunn..."
Icebreaker: "It depends on what's living it, I guess."
GM: "You'd have to open the access hatch to see what's inside it."
Icebreaker: "Yeah that wasn't a suggestion. That was me 'playing a lot of Carrion'."

Icebreaker: "I'd like to know why, so that someone doesn't confuse my neck with a communication cable."

Icebreaker: "Do we have a way to communicate with Lethe?"
Smirkfluff: "Yell really loud?"

GM: "Nothing unusual, dead bodies being dead bodies."
Nivix: "I'm scanning the bodies to see if there's anything here that jumps out at me."
GM: "Literally or figuratively?"
Nivix: "Both, sure."

GM: "It is the one thing down here that's OSHA compliant."

GM: "You find 20 boxes of coffee grounds, and two packages of Twinkies. The Twinkies are good for another 3 years."
Icebreaker: "Wow, they're pretty old already."

Smirkfluff: "I do the most responsible thing in this situation - I tap the glass."

Computer notes: "The good news is that only two scientists were eaten by this thing."

GM: "The security chief Hammer was in here a month ago from burns and bite marks due to an experiment involving a cybernetic-enhanced dog with a flamethrower."

GM: "Let's say it's playing Bach. Because I like Bach."
Nebula: "I turn the radio off and then back on."
Icebreaker: "No, no, turn it Bach on."

Oze: "Where's Nebby?"
Icebreaker: "She's playing as bait right now."

Scientist: *beep beep* "Ah, my alarm. It's time to take EVERY STIMULANT!"

Smirkfluff: "Stop annoying Slimey."
Nebula: "Don't name it Slimey."
Smirkfluff: "Hang on. I check my pockets and... no, I'm out of cards that say I can't."

Icebreaker: "We have an A.I. for that!"
Smirkfluff: "I'm on a science experiment!"
Icebreaker: "Do you even KNOW any science?"
Smirkfluff: "I know Nebby, that's close enough."
Nebula: "HEY!!"

Nebula: "Which do we want, electrified sparking or murderous fillies?"
Nivix: "What?!"
Nebula: "I didn't stutter."

Smirkfluff: "I'm just gonna walk in cause what could go wrong? ...whoaaa a lot!"

GM: "The samples and container are incinerated to ash, then crushed into a small cube."
Icebreaker: "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

Smirkfluff: "Am I all clear to shoot the goose?"
Icebreaker: "So then I started blastin'."
Nivix: "A real honking mess."
Peanut Gallery: "Rake in a lake."

Icebreaker: "You mess with the honk, you get the bonk!"

GM: "You gonna flush it down the toilet like a baby alligator?"
Smirkfluff: "Oh yeah, that'll go well with no repercussions."

[Edea]

"You see a huge spire in the distance, crackling with eldritch energy and wreathed in unholy flames-"
"It's only a model."
"...dude."
"I'm not ready for this. My vest of resistance isn't even sequined!"
"Should've prepared create food and water, I didn't bring any spam."
"Let's not go to this spire. My divinations tell me it is a silly place."
"GUYS."

[Hellpyre]

Horell: We didn’t expect sneaky ninjas!
Lonji: they’re sneaky and silent, and unbelievably violent.



I always enjoy me some BNL.

As far as my current campaign:

(After John puts his sleeping half-brother's hand in a bowl of water)
GM: He tosses and turns, but his bladder control is strong.
John: Okay, well, now I'm sure it was magic.

GM: What are you looking for during your watches?
Elara: I'm making sure no one tries to enter the manor.
Fianna: Especially any tumbleweeds.

[DigoDragon]

Alexis: (shoves holy symbol in vampire's face) "Now, are you going to come quietly, or do I need ta get my manager involved?" :smallannoyed:

[ZeroGear]

E: "I don't suppose we could try talking?"
X: "With the giant death dragon that's trying to kill us with dragon and death?"
E: "...good point."

R: "I'm going to ROCK your world!"
*triggers a cave-in*

O: "Wow it's dark in here. How is anyone supposed to see anything?"
X: "You could try taking the sack off your your head."

A: "Prepare yourself, I'VE GOT OREGANO!"

[BlueHamsterBean]

"Excuse me Mr. Tome, but may I have some good tea?"
"What?"
"Aha, pardon, some extravagant tea."
"What? Nooo! You fool!"

[Bunny Commando]

Guard: "I'm sorry sir, but you can't pass through."
John: "I have an authorization from the president."
Guard: "...what?"
John: "Several presidents, actually. Franklin, Grant and Jackson."

[DigoDragon]

Nivix: "It's a secret lab, it's bound to have an 'Oh s*** it's getting out!' button."

Lethe: "I'm going to try something. It may backfire, but it will be VERY apparent if it does."

Icebreaker: "Tartarus 2.0, another fine product from Shirewase!"

Icebreaker: "Hi, we know what you did. And we'd like to talk about why."

GM: "They're kinda like a gang, but not a dangerous one."
Icebreaker: "The apartment teens..."
Nebula: "You mean like grade school gangs that think they're all that?"
Smirkfluff: "Get off my stairs, you teens!"
Icebreaker: "Two colts afraid to leave the stoop."

Nebula: "Pick acid. Aciiiiid!"

Smirkfluff: "I'm going to try something different and NOT pull my gun out to start shooting everybody."

GM: "This is a double-nope situation, with ice cream on top."

Icebreaker: "My fatique is at 8. I don't know why there's a Q."

Smirkfluff: "I take a side step back and then full auto into #3 for being wrong."

Nivix: "Icebreaker, what's your reflex save?"
Icebreaker: "An excellent question... +5?"
Nivix: "You should be okay then."
*Nivix does the thing*

Icebreaker: "The knife is not battery powered. Unless you count me as a battery, and I use food to create energy. To stab."

Ganger: "Whatever dude. At least it wasn't Tai food. They'd be leaving a hole in the floor."
PC changelings: *nervous laugh*
Ponynapped NPC: *nervous laugh*
Hole in the floor: *nervous laugh*

Lance: "One, two... many... lots..."
Smirkfluff: "One two is twenty-two. so I have twenty-two hooves, right?"
Icebreaker: "And that's how I won the Kentucky Derby. Because I'm Sleipnir."

Smirkfluff: "I wouldn't trust him to wipe his own butt with a map and a guide."

Smirkfluff: "So when I find him, I'm going to find a fire grenade, and I'm going to shove it so far up him he breathes fire."
Icebreaker: "Have you thought of getting into poetry?"
Smirkfluff: "Not my thing."
Icebreaker: "It really isn't."

[Personification]

From Honey Heist:

"I always said I hated Steve's guts, but they turned out to be really useful here."
"Dude, eat a honey. You're not you when you're hungry."

From D&D
Cas the Changeling (who we only know as Bill the Long Goblin): I go into the room.
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Brok: I also go into the room
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Me: I am going to make an insight check to see if I can tell that you aren't being mind controlled.
*Rolls dirty 20*
Me: OK, now I am just confused.
Loghan: While he is doing that, I push past him into the room.
Me: WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Brok: I poke the Modron.
Me: Not to overuse the phrase, but WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

Cas (an artificer with both a homunculus and a steel defender): I pull an animal out of my bag of tricks. I can control it using my bonus action.
Me: *move the "Days since acquiring a new pet" counter to 0*

[ZeroGear]

R: "I'm getting drilled by a shark! Get over here and help me already!"

O: "My Magic's not working!"
X: "The fireball isn't working against a monster that lives in molten rock, what a surprise."

A: "If this thing has molten rock in its body, and it shoots globs of it from its mouth, is it shooting magma or lava?"
E: "...not sure. It's magma while it's in the body, but if magma becomes lava when it's above ground, maybe it's shooting lava balls because the magma becomes lava when it leaves the body."
A: "It could also be that it's got lava in it's body because it's above ground, but when it "swims" through the earth it's classified as magma because it's underground?"
E: "Oh! that's another good theory!"
R: "Could we discuss this when we AREN'T BEING ATTACKED BY MOLTEN ROCK MONSTERS?!"

X: "There's a heard of giant kiwis coming right at us."
O: "The bird or the fruit?"
X: "Take a guess."

R: "Get off me you savage, kiwi-riding, unwashed midget!"
Enemy Halfling Barbarian: "Crikey! Look at the gnashers on this-a-one!"

[Rynjin]

"Please! Don't hurt me! I am but a humble Dagon worshiper!"

[Necroticplague]

“Hold on, clarifying this might be life or death: is that ‘stuffed’ as in, taxidermy, or ‘stuffed’ as in a plushie?”

[Ninjadeadbeard]

"Well, if I know doors, this could have been worse."

[DeTess]

"This is our territory! Except when the giant worm is here, then it's his territory."

"Wait.... I've got a white dragon bloodline, so I get cold resistance! That means I'm at 15 hp instead of -8!"

[dunfluff]

Lonji: maybe the river was pissed because it was pissed in?

Horell: Did we get kaminapped?
Scar: we went of our own free will, so more like kamibambozeled.
Sasani: Kamicond

Horell: THE HAPPY GRASS IS SINGING TO ME!

Horell: Don’t encourage the grass.
Lonji: if the grass has musical inclinations it is in our best interest to encourage it.

Loni: I have my own musical accompaniment. This is all I’ve ever wanted.

Sasani: I’ve seen weirder things this week. I saw a table backstab a ninja.

GM: How proficient are you with "Lonji on a string"?

GM: the GM does not know enough about physics for this.

Lonji: Mend me like one of your French wagons.

Alum: I summon a pillar of light, It’s basically a healing shower
Scar: All I heard was golden shower

Horell: the only way to get rid of spirits is to help them with what they want. The problem is that the
Spirit wants to kill us... so not really any good options here.

Horell: Why did you want to eat the murder mushrooms?!
Scar: Because I’m stupid that’s why

GM: They look like edible berries once you smell them and shove them up...
Group: Shove them up where?!

Horell: I have no problem letting them think were idiots. so long as they think were harmless idiots.

Lonji: I’m not judging you; I’m just confirming the madness.

Horell: How proficient are you with "Lonji on a stick"?

Loni: Please kill the spider so I don’t have to make the moral choice?
Horell: you fail at morals?
Lonji: heal friend, kill spider, heal friend, kill spider, heal spider, kill friend.
GM: your going to end up sticking Horell with the rapier.
Scar: It all ends with you hitting the spider with the wand of healing and realizing: "huh. where did my rapier go”?

GM: strangely the intruders are friend shaped.

Lonji: I like the strategy of waving the rabid swashbuckler at the enemy.

Lonji: I know what you are going to say, don’t do, it is bellow your dignity. To which I say: no, its not!

Lonji: I know we see weird sh--- every other day, but the sight of Sasanis horse walking upstairs is just unnatural.

Scar: you get exp for walking into traps, right?
GM: Only if it is EXPlosions.

Lonji: My head is not my default measuring device.

Lonji: hello ambush, my name is amtree.

GM: people are paralyzed and about to be eaten by spiders, this is supposed to be terrifying.
Group: it is. that’s why we’re trying to deflate the tension with bad jokes.

Alum: I have the same strength as a table.
GM: And like a table you’re not moving.

Lonji: We go downstairs and plant our cleric like a flower.

Scar: and for once scar the murderhobo just wanted to talk to him.
Lonji: We´ve done the switchero.

Sasani: Maybe we could convert him?
Alum: we´re going to convert him into mulch.

Lonji: Are the spiders communicating using websters dictionary or are they using the net.
Scar: If their appearance is any hint, their using the dark web.

Scar: and then I calm down again. you may hurt me now.

GM: everyone roll a reflex save, including the furries.

Horell: this is the third worst pain.
Alum: yes, but we´ve all heard underlings laugh at their bosses bad jokes before.

[Bunny Commando]

Evil Guy: "So, do you wish to serve me?"
Raven: "You have my sword." [laying the sword at the EG's feet]
Evil Guy: "Good."
Raven: "...but I'm a Wizard." [casts Black Tentacles]

[NRSASD]

Lizardfolk Paladin puts his arms around the shoulders of the drunk, joyfully sobbing kenku and the drunk, joyfully sobbing gnome. "I just love weddings... want to steal the ferry?"

To all the posters before me, those are some brilliant quotes. Thanks for the humor :)

[TheYell]

GM: Ok what do you do?
DARK PALADIN: So I'm staring at two dozen Horune Pirates who are dazed and blinded in a corridor?
GM: Yep
DARK PALADIN: (giggling breathlessly) I raise my flamethrower and shout, "I don't want to do this...BUT I MUST"
GM: Yeah. Just roll to hit already

VAMPIRE: Ugh. If I tell you, will you let me go?
APHELION: You have my word.
DARK PALADIN: Mine too.
GM: The vampire tries to tell you where to find his master, but he chokes. His neck writhes and his head turns around. Clearly he can't tell you.
APHELION: Well that means the deal is off, doesn't it?
DARK PALADIN: Ahahaha
APHELION: Ahahaha
DARK PALADIN AND APHELION: Ahahaha
APHELION: I cast Life Blast on him

GM: You see a burst of light. Its coming from the nuclear warhead.
DARK PALADIN: I jump into a refrigerator.

GM: What do you do?
DARK PALADIN: I turn blue and lose my clothes.
GM: What?
DARK PALADIN: And I go back in time when this didn't happen, and I change the future.
GM: Sounds like a power you don't have.
DARK PALADIN: Are you sure surviving that nuke didn't make me Dr. Manhattan?

APHELION : I speed burst straight up to orbit, and I toss away the nuclear warhead, saying "This weapon is too dangerous for anyone to own"
DARK PALADIN: OK, Kal-El.

DARK PALADIN: Imma holster my weapon and call on them to stop the fighting.
GM: Do you have any ability that would help you do that?
DARK PALADIN: No...
GM: What's your MA score?
DARK PALADIN: 3.
GM: Uhah. Nope.
APHELION: "Stop fighting, jerks! Gawd!"

GM: She fades away and shouts, "Never come near the Federation of Magic! You will be destroyed!"
APHELION: Same to you, bitch!

[ZeroGear]

E: "My only regret is that I didn't see more of this lovely world."
R: "My only regret is that I couldn't take more of them down first."
X: "My only regret is that I'm tied to a stake with you two."

A: *raises sword* "With this knife, I shall care my way through villainy!" *raises trident* "And with this fork, I shall pierce the heart of evil! Prepare yourselves, IT'S DINNER TIME!"

X: "There goes the village. Up in flames, as impermanent as life itself."
O: "Why do you always have to be so gloomy?"
X: "My emotions are in a jar that I can't open.

R (OOC): DEAR GOD! SCUPPERS WHAT DID YOU EAT?
DM: What happened?
R (OOC): My dog farted, and its bad enough to melt steel!

[Rynjin]

Gadrick: "So we're all agreed that burning this village and everyone in it to the ground is the right thing to do?"

[dunfluff]

Sasani: Lonji, I dropped my lance over there.
Lonji: I can be your lance!

Lonji: They´re spiders.
Boss: Wow, racist much.
Sasani: a racehorse to be more exact.

Horell: Oh, my gods! I hit!
GM: I know, this has never happened before.

Sasani: if you were a sorcerer you would have bloodline: frog.

Alum: Lonji is a reach weapon.

Lonji: I think most of that damage is simply momentum.

Monster: What did the lizard say to the rat?
Scar excitedly from afar: LUNCH!
Sasani: yea, what he said.
Monster: very well, lunch.

Horell: I miss.
GM: as usual then.
Horell: Yes. everything is back to normal again.

GM: you should not throw a star knife at someone’s chocolate starfish!

Boss: please. your embarrassing us both.
Horse: MUNCH!

Scar: I attack the hand. I don’t understand tactics, but I do understand that the bad guys gets a lot more talkative when all their henchmen are gone.
GM: ok, you attack the hand that feeds you.
…
GM: you attack the hand with two devastating high fives.

Scar: Oh my god that’s a table.
Scar: Oh my god you really went overboard with that.
GM: You look at the table of content and its full of people.

Alum: it’s not mimics you need to be afraid of, it’s the unalive furniture. Table away!

Table: hulloo, im a table.

Horell: Scar is surrounded.
GM: the same way a blender is surrounded by fruit.

Horell: Why do you assume I did something stupid? maybe I just got ambushed.
Alum: have you even met this group?

Alum: harumpf. what a waste of item destroying powers.

Alum go down the hole.
Lonji: oh, how the tables have turned.

Horell: Now who is rushing into trouble?
Alum: Sasani. I’m just the passenger.

GM: as you lie there in the hole, staring upwards, you see the falling sense of irony.

GM: if you say so, I’m gona trust you, I’m not here to do math.

Lonji: You came out here for a good time, but honestly your feeling attacked right now.

Lonji: this is the first time I’ve ever charged
Horell: technically you have charged, just never on the ground
Lonji: I’ve fallen on people before, this time its intentional.

Horell: I’m apparently part duck
Scar: you were merely adopted by the duck.
GM: Horell swoops down like a majestic albatross and snatches Lonji from the water like a fish.

Scar: I don’t think we had a plan.
Lonji: my plan was getting into the house. I had a plan. I’m a leadership figure.
Horell: you lead us into trouble

Scar: Under completely different circumstances this wouldn’t have been completely stupid

Horell: this plan looked so much better in my head.
Lonji: This plan is looking amazing.

Lonji: I use my personality, I’m to pretty to be diseased.

GM: They are unarmored, not naked.
Scar: this is fantasy, unarmored women are basically considered naked.
Lonji: technically even armored women are considered naked.
Horell: only if their wearing high level armor.

GM: do you know why all monks are female? they are all able to control their shi.
Sasani: Avatar the last genderbender.

Lonji: hehehe...wait... oh no. THIS WAS ALMOST VOLUNTARY!
GM: Lonji go down the hole
Alum: Is lonji cheating on me?

[Xervous]

"Then Nico (a living PC) could be her next dead husband!"

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: "You are disguised as a giant bird person in the capitol city of the Drow. You kinda stick out."
Player: "I didn't pick this disguise! You did!"
DM: "Maybe tip your illusionist better."

[Laughing Dog]

"Are you going to run away now? Or do I have to bleed on you some more?"

[ZeroGear]

R: “Honey does not grant divine powers!”
A: “Anything grants divine powers in enough quantity!”
R: “That’s not how that works!”

O: “Everything feels wrong! Even my liver feels incorrect!”

E: “Un-mouth that fruit!”

X: “My entire life is based on the ideals of Destiny.”

[NRSASD]

First time player, having just created a fire-focused sorcerer: "Do humans count as fuel?"

[Rater202]

"What does isiproply mean?"

"...Did... did you think I was serious about the Harem? Wait, is that an option?"

[Personification]

First time player, having just created a fire-focused sorcerer: "Do humans count as fuel?"

I mean, objectively, yes.

[BlueHamsterBean]

GM:"The metal face in the sky lets out a scream that rends reality itself."
Player:"Oh great, this guy's into Swedish Metal. I'm never sharing my playlist with him."

[Foeofthelance]

"You know, its one thing to loot a dead party member's body, its another to thing to try and loot their body."

"Undead don't liiiiike it, bop the zombie, bop the zombie!" (As sung to the tune of Rock the Casbah)

"Four hundred years of undead and great, we found a theater critic."

[ZeroGear]

R: “Yes, I like to dress up as a woman and hit things with a big sword, don’t kink-shame me!”

E: “I don’t have to listen to me, but you do!”

O: “My bones lied to me!”

A: “Stop standing there like a lemon about to be juiced!”

X: “What’s the most interesting thing you’ve pressed your face into?”

E: “As long as I’m a mushroom, my heart is hidden, and I’m safe.”

R: “He can regrow from a single yeast!”

A: “You ain’t a lord! You’re a s’more! I’m gonna set you on fire, melt you down, and eat you like a snack!”

[Necroticplague]

“I think you’re misunderstanding my relationships by looking at it through your own lens. It’s less that I own many, and more than I am owned by many. This [censored] is communal property, essentially.”

[NRSASD]

"It is a tradition amongst my people that if a leader sends a man to his death, the leader should drink until he can no longer remember the man he sent."

[AdmiralCheez]

"Well, if it isn't the shake-weight sausage man!"

---

"I know what the smart move is. However, my character is gonna do the dumb thing, because that's the kind of person he is."

---

"We're going to drop initiative here because this will take all night. Basically, you spend the next two hours in an epic slap fight with the other barbarian, flattening an entire section of the bazaar and drawing a huge crowd of basically every secret drow police force in the city."
"Then my distraction worked! Huzzah!"

[Wizard_Lizard]

"You have too much human skin to be a ball."