Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[dunfluff]

Alum: I run to solid ground because flying bulls are a thing.

Alum: WHOS THROWING BULLS!

Horell: The question of the day is: are the bulls actually flying or is the oni just throwing them at us.

Horell: I mean... the room is very hole sized.

Lonji: I’m locked in with you, your locked in with me, were locked in here together, it’s gona be great.

Sasani: if you truly are a oni, may you learn what it is to fight a dragon.
GM: oh, that is corny, I like it.

Sasani: and the dragon stands alone.
Lonji: hey I’m right here.
Sasani: and the dragon stands alone with a kobold.
Scar: ill just leave you guys here then.

Lonji: My plan was to get swallowed
Sasani: you can still do that
Lonji: but you look so much tastier than me

Scar: never scare an alchemist. they pop.

Scar: could you just wrap your stone cloak around you and just wait a couple of days to be passed like a kidney stone
Alum: Not the escape route I was thinking out

Scar: so, the enemy sees Horell fly away scared into a wall, land on a rock and vomit
Lonji: and then high fives the vomit
Boss: ????

Alum: of course, a cow would have an alternate moovement

Horell: I create a Goorell.
Horell: Goorell jumps over to the next rock. he seems to have a goal in mind.
Lonji: you mean he seems to have a gooal.

GM: Scar tears up alum like captain America did to that log in that avengers movie.
Horell: I was not prepared for this today.

GM: you put the potted plant in your bag of holding
Lonji: but there is no oxygen in the bag
Horell: it’s a plant! it produces oxygen.
Lonji: !!!

Lonji: No I don’t. I have learned from my mistakes... learned a little from my mistakes.
Scar: learned to make new mistakes.

GM: you need a rage power to use Horell as an improvised weapon. you are not proficient with Horell.

Lonji: I’m getting the hang of this. IM A MAJESTIC ALBATROS!

Lonji: Also death from above in aquan: seagull attack

[Solamnicknight]

A recent session had this gem. “Oh no it’s rhyming. It’s always bad when they rhyme.”

[Wizard_Lizard]

Evil Guy: "So, do you wish to serve me?"
Raven: "You have my sword." [laying the sword at the EG's feet]
Evil Guy: "Good."
Raven: "...but I'm a Wizard." [casts Black Tentacles]

"You have my bow"
"Good"
"But I'm.... also a wizard." [casts Fireball]

[Necroticplague]

Bruta: You seem awfully calm about having your body stolen.
Gene: Dude, I need like, a dozen different medications to come close to balancing my fragile neurochemistry. Frankly, if they want it, they can freaking have it.

[genderlich]

"I can substitute compassion with a mixture of water and coconut oil."

[dunfluff]

Scar: you do realize that that doesn’t even damage me?
GM: *dejected* yes
Lonji: but it does make you feel slightly uncomfortable.

Alum: I’m sorry I just lobotomized your regent candidate.

Lonji: how do you know who is a peasant and who is a ninja dressed as a peasant.
Scar: you try to kill them. if it’s easy it’s a peasant.
Lonji: Can’t I just go BOO! and see if they try to kill me?

Scar: Don’t worry it’s just the village angry rock.

Lonji: I mean they attacked us, how smart could they be?

Horell: I can’t hit the broad side of a giant shark.

Horell: the kids are like "oh look. strangers. let’s shoot them".
Lonji: That’s our people.

GM: There were seven answers to that riddle and written reactions to each answer...
Scar: And we found an 8:th answer.

Lonji: We really need to start killing things soon. We are much more impressive at that.
We started strong but keep losing points the more we talk.

Alum: Ok. When I feel you get hurt I’ll come running.
Lonji: NO! that’s not the message. when I get hurt that means I’m at the castle.

Loni: I´ve lost the argument with myself.

Scar: You are wrong. I don’t know what you said but it is wrong.

Lonji: No. That’s a Lonji idea. Don’t do it.

Lonji: How dare he be human. that was his first mistake.

GM: The corpse of the boss twitches and a large creature rips its way out of the corpse like a suite that’s too small.
Horell: Hey! that’s my schtick.

GM: the druid looks at you with a look that says that you just killed his wife, his pet, and his assistant all at the same time.
Scar: That’s a very specific look.

Demon: Are any off you children?
Sasani: You can see all of us so that would make us aparent.
Demon: I’m literally from hell and that joke is the worst I’ve heard in 30 years.

Horell: Don’t take alum to hell. he will melt in the lava.
Demon: That’s a common misconception. hell is more of a humid heat. your thinking of Igneus, the elemental plane of fire.
Demon: Hell is more meat hooks and torture.
Horell: ok. thanks?

Horell: This is weird. I kind of feel sorry about fighting this demon. he’s being really polite and reasonable.
Alum: He was literally summoned here against his will.
Demon: It is nothing personal. I could just leave and find someone else to torture.

Lonji: We are so starved for interaction!

Sasani: This is the first time we’ve had a polite conversation in the middle of combat.

Lonji: IM FUELED BY ACID, BLOOD AND RAGE!

Demon: Why was I even summoned?
Horell: aww. I’m sorry mister demon.
Demon: Dude? really?

[TheYell]

DARK PALADIN: I charge in amongst them.
GM: Roll to see if you do that without killing them.
DARK PALADIN: 2.
GM: Uh, no.
DARK PALADIN: Oh well! I shout EVERYONE LOVES A SLINKY as they hurtle down the sides of the pyramid

[Wizard_Lizard]

"Hmmm Cheese." Stares capriciously at what is clearly a skull.

[NRSASD]

"Hmmm Cheese." Stares capriciously at what is clearly a skull.

That wouldn't happen to be... head cheese, now would it?

[Wizard_Lizard]

That wouldn't happen to be... head cheese, now would it?

Wtf did I just google. That is almost as cursed as chocolate spaghetti, another result of campaign shenanigans, and again a real thing, unfortunately.

[ZeroGear]

E: "Don't worry! We've got experience dealing with these kinds of situations!"
A: "You could even say we're 'Seasoned Adventurers'!"
R: "Sure, if blood and guts count as seasoning."

X: "Some help please?"
O: "Dammit, if only this fence wasn't in the way."
R: "You can FLY you birdbrain!"

E: "Are they panicking?"
O: "Everyone except skeletons!"
X: "Not much gets under their skin."

A: "I'm warning you! I HAVE A SPOON!"

[TheYell]

GM: ...And carved in the altar is the Latin word for "Love".
CHRIS: Would that be "caritas", or "eros"?
RON: "Agape".
GM: Shut up.

****
GM: And Ian is babbling about something or other.
CHRIS: "Ian: Did you know the Doctor and the Master were each other's mothers? I read that online"
GM: +50 XP to you Chris

[Cyberiad_Queen]

GM: ...And carved in the altar is the Latin word for "Love".
CHRIS: Would that be "caritas", or "eros"?
RON: "Agape".

Agape and Eros are Greek, actually.

[dunfluff]

Horell: I kind of like getting the guided tour through the bandit castle.

Lonji: This is weird. I know we have to kill him but I kind of don’t want to.
Horell: This is the demon all over again.
Lonji: Can’t we just guard him incompetently so that he runs away?

Bandit: wow. how did you find all this neat gear and weapons here?
Lonji: We prayed.
Bandit: In that case I really need to find god.

Horell: I know you have worked hard to steal all this stuff, but we are going to give it all back.
Bandit: That is completely understandable. I am a thief. I understand that thieving goes both ways.

Alum: Alum looks as happy in the mud as... Alum in mud...

Lonji: should we bring everyone with us to the geishas?
Horell: I think the horse might be a little too much.

Lonji: I´ll put the gloves on the horse and make it say careful.
Horse: !?
Lonji: It won’t be easy since I first have to teach it Teran.

Scar: I haven’t crafted anything.
GM: You have crafted a lot of corpses
Lonji: We are very proficient at that.
Scar: That’s not crafting. That’s art.

Horell: (hits with attack)
Horell: (to crossbow) I don’t understand. What do you want from me?!
Lonji: Why are you upset? you hit him.

Alum: The enemy of my enemy could just be a "%&#.

Lonji: I mean I also hit people when I get suppressed.

Lonji: But he was mean.
Horell: so were you for cutting his head off.
Lonji: Last time we talked to our enemies we kind of developed Stockholm’s syndrome.
GM: Confess. you were just angry because he called you ugly.

Lonji: It’s like reverse acupuncture. I hit them in the foot and their backs explode.

Scar: I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.

Alum: Scar is being really reasonable civil about this.
Lonji: usually I’m the one who flies into a fight.
Scar: yea. I usually gets dragged into fighting.

Horell: I’m really happy the murder lizard is on our side.
Alum: as a person that has been murdered by him… yes.

Alum: technically I can summon a bunch of tigers. would that be racist?

Lonji: oh, that’s right I have a boat in my pocket.
Horell: is that a boat in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Horell: I´M A MOTHERFLUFFING ALBATROSS
GM: I think Horell just got upgraded to seagull. Master of both air and water.
Lonji: Why are you only awesome when rescuing me?

GM: the seagulls don’t pay you much mind, they have accepted you into their society.

Lonji: I’m not a professional murderer.
Alum: no, you are an enthusiastic armature.
Lonji: your right. I’m not getting paid for this.

Lonji: I’m gona sneak up all quiet like and open the door. if it explodes... it will make a loud noise.

Loni: I don’t want to talk to them. they are scared of me and that hurts.

Horell: "is sad"
GM: don’t worry, the seagulls still love you.

Alum: if this turns out to be a big misunderstanding I’m going to have to repair all the doors you break.
GM: oh no. that will take all of a few seconds.
Alum: it’s the principle that counts.

Horell: there are bad touchy ghosts!

[Tarmor]

Kestutis: I get out my potion of levitation and drink it.

GM: In the avalanche...

Lathan's Player: "You're wearing boots of levitation."

Catch cry for a decade afterwards... "Wisdom of 21!".

[ZeroGear]

E: "WHY IS THERE A CROCODILE IN THE HOUSE?"
R: "I was wondering where I felt that."

O: "There was a shadow, and it moved!"

X: "What's the current market value of thirty-acres-and-a-mule?"

R: "Do you not know anything about breeding horses?"
X: "...no."

E: "Wait until you see it's extendable neck!"

O: "He just aggressively thrust in my direction!"

R: "What could be worse than actual rotting flesh?"
A: "It could have been something mint-flavored."

A: "I got you! I got you!"
E: "Get me more! Get me harder!"
A: "...would you like to rephrase that for five points?"
E: "No!"

X: "What? I'm not above a little petty kidnapping."

E: "IT'S THE CROCODILE AGAIN!"

[PhoenixPhyre]

Chat logs after my most recent session (slightly cleaned up):


Tsun Azur : a halfling paladin. Fond of breaking kneecaps. Reacts really badly when people call him any of "cute", "small", or "child". Does not appreciate pats on the head.
Sargas of Tor Elan : a soulforged (warforged, but different) cleric of Tor Elan, the sun god/war god. Takes "war" very seriously. Super militant. Not so much a diplomat.
Rune : a fallen aasimar hexblade warlock. Missing most of his memories and new to the group. Not sure who (or what) his patron is.
Dil : a human bard. Played by one of GitP's own regulars.
Crow : Doesn't speak much, but he's basically a kenku batman. Simultaneously the odd man out (being from a whole different continent) and the only sane party member.


Tsun Azur : So I can’t adopt her...?
Sargas of Tor Elan and Rune, basically simultaneously : No
Tsun Azur : Darn
Dil : [You can] try, but I don't think it's likely

...sometime later...

Tsun Azur : ...So when we return, I’m gonna adopt Lacivia.....
Rune: No
Tsun Azur Why...? She is adorable!
Dil : Of course. :slight_smile: She's so sweet ...
Tsun Azur : See someone sides with me
Dil : ... but kind of powerful ...
Sargas of Tor Elan : We do not want a powerful fae on us
Tsun Azur : It’s okay. We can train her to help us
Rune : https://tenor.com/view/matt-mercer-no-oh-no-shakes-head-critical-role-gif-16077059
Tsun Azur : Darn :frowning:

They were talking about the archfey they met, Lascivia, who took the shape of a little child. As a note, her power level would be OVER 9000!!!!! Not quite demigod-class, but not that far off either. Capable of locking bunches of people into stasis without effort and converting all their weapons into hairpins (lots and lots of them to account for the mass). And they're level 2 (now 3).


...sometime later...

Tsun Azur : Btw if we find any other ‘child’ NPCs (or actual child NPCs) with no adults, Tsun might ask to adopt them. Just saying.
Sargas of Tor Elan : The party is not adopting any children. It's one thing if we rescue some and need to get them back to town to save them but we ain't traveling to dangerous areas with a child lol
Rune : True that. We're not exactly good role models necessarily.

Tsun Azur : Well if we rescue a child, can Tsun temporarily take care of them until we return them to town? Keep them away from the scary people and act as a good influence? Yes I know we are not taking children into crazy situations.
Sargas of Tor Elan : Good influence? Tsun? "No no you hit the kneecap at this angle".
Tsun Azur : Yes he would be teaching them that.
Rune : See my point?
Tsun Azur : No. He is an excellent influence.

Sargas of Tor Elan : I recognize the need to keep children away from any of us... and if we must, I'm giving it to Crow. He's the overall most sane of us. Which is ironic since he's the ROGUE.
Rune: I can agree with that.
Tsun Azur : Let’s say that in the Halfling tribe, Tsun was responsible for handling the children in the tribe. One of them liked pyromancy and would argue with Tsun over the effectiveness of 3rd degree burns vs busting kneecaps...Okay I do agree, Crow is the sane one.

Sargas of Tor Elan : Let's see... religious fanatic metal man, the kneecapper tsun, the mental patient rune, and flirty bard, and the quiet rogue. Hmmmmmmm.
Tsun Azur: Honestly Crow is the normal one until he teaches them to become Batman or kidnap other kids.
Sargas of Tor Elan : Crow never kidnapped any kids. He kidnapped a halfling paladin and didn't even get a receipt so we can't return it for a less crazy model.
Rune : Very true.
Tsun Azur : Hey this Halfling Paladin is amazing. No need for an exchange. And you can’t get a receipt for a kidnapping.

[Rater202]

"Mr. Fox, why do I periodically go insane and trying to kill everyone?"
"Rawr, blarg, rawr yip-yip-roar!"

[GravityEmblem]

Shifter: I put on my opera mask and fake moustache and approach the guard.
DM: Ok...
Shifter: Hello! I am the French ambassador from Gobbledegook, and this is my entourage. I have come to inspect the structural integrity of your building!

[AdmiralCheez]

"Excuse me sir, do you have change for a Rembrandt?"

"We're the middle chain in a mambo line of spies chasing spies."

"I'm gonna volleyball spike that gazer."

"You have to go North to go South."

"So, a dwarf, a child, and a robot walk into a lingerie store..."

"Can you pick locks?
"I can, but... it's a bag."

"At last! A butter worthy of being spread by my knife!"

[Ajustusdaniel]

Hendry: You know, the fact that I wasn't more disturbed by taking that oath is disturbing.

Jett: You know, the fact that I wasn't more comfortable with taking that oath is comforting... screw you, dad.

[ZeroGear]

X: "Don't worry, I'm going to punch you back to health."

E: "You're a spotted d**k."
R: "That sounds bad, you should get that looked at."

A: "Why are you a depressed sheep?"

R: "Be careful of the explosions."
A: "What?"
R: "And the laser beam."
A: "WHAT?"
R: "And the sleep gas."
A: "WHAT?"
R: "Also the poison."
A: "IS THERE ANYTHING IT DOESN'T HAVE?"

E: "It's a 50/50 chance with you: either it's a joke, or you're stupid."
O: "Why than-...HEY!"

X: "Don't worry, you're going to love it. Just close your eyes and hold out your hands..."
E: "THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DIE IN HORROR STORIES!"

[dunfluff]

Alum: so, we are basically fighting bad AI.
Horell: Alum. you broke them.
Sasani: you pressed the god mode button.
Alum: Yea literally. I’m also nocliping.

Sasani: Horell falls, everyone dies.
GM: No. I will not TPK half the party under Horell’s butt.

Scar: *in bad Italian mobster accent* I usually kill for money, but now I’m tiny, I kill you for nothing.

Sasani: I charge it with my sword hurting ghost... I mean ghost hurting sword.
GM: it’s the dreaded sword hurting ghost. it will make your sword into an ex-calibur.

Lonji: Lick the gate.

Lonji: ALUM. LICK THE BEADS.

GM: This is bull----- why do they build all these cool puzzles and then give you the off button.
Scar: the swiss army sword of solutions.

Horell: how much wood would a Lonji know if a Lonji would know wood.
Scar: all of it if he licked it.

Alum: stop poking it. it’s a trap. A light activated trap.
Scar: Eh. let Lonji at it. he not so bright.

Alum: Mm. this is good wood.

Scar: so, he tricked her into playing cards against your humanity.

Lonji: we are all really... what’s the phrase... horny for malice.
Everyone else: WTF!

GM: it’s a "tiger"
Scar: chunky boy!

Scar: is there a spell "summon yarn ball"?

GM: you are deafened for 4 rounds
Alum: As if that makes any difference. Lonji never listens to us anyway.

Horell: That looks suspicious. is it black with orange stripes or orange with black stripes?

Horell: That’s not a tiger
GM: I said he was a wizard with a tiger. not that he was one.
Lonji: you told us that he was a tiger, I choose to believe.
Scar: what! no tiger?
Lonji: I was promised a tiger. let’s just turn around and leave.
GM: is this really your primary concern?

Scar: Oh no you can’t harm the door... After alum is done the door will be the only thing standing out of the whole dungeon.

Horell: that things attack bonus is higher than my AC...
Scar: so, what your saying is that it has a 5% miss chance against you.
Alum: so, what your saying is that you’re on the right side of the door.

Horell: it’s still a hit.
GM: I haven’t rolled yet.
Horell: ...it’s still a hit.

Horell: I thought clouds were immune to lightning.
Lonji: No, they are filled with lightning.
Horell: I am now.

Lonji: we have no willpower. if they talk to us, we become friends.

Horell: well... there is a small possibility of about 90%.

Lonji: Don’t worry. I’ll go and kill that shadow demon and... *stabs Horell through the chest*

Horell: *GHASP*--- Alum... what would it take to convert to Thorag-ism.

Horell: Well it was nice knowing you... again.
Alum: I JUST FIXED THAT!

Scar: ugh. you’re such a stickler for protocol
Alum: Yes. thank you.

Oracle: I see that the winged man did not make it.
Alum: I´ll fix him. I fix things. like stuff, and people, and peoplestuff.

Sasani: so, you just flew all the way from the caravan and boy are your arms tired?
Horell: basically yes.

NPC: *takes out her instrument and starts playing it*
Horell: Wait! she came down with us!
GM: did anyone tell her to wait at the surface?

Dragon turtle: you got the girl and killed our master. why are you here?
Scar: shinnies mostly.
Scar: Think about us mentally like red dragons.
Scar: you could technically leave for... say 1-hour tops and then return and we would be long gone.

[Laughing Dog]

"This isn't Faerun, high-level characters don't grow on trees here!"

[GravityEmblem]

Monk (about the fighter): dashing through the halls, on a one bear open shield, o’er the floor we go, NEVER-ing all the way

DM: As a bear, you're inherently mooning the guards

Druid: How can you be the king's messenger if you DROP things??!

[GravityEmblem]

DM: Magical script appears on the door. It says "Two failed password attempts. One more failed password attempt will lock this door for 10 minutes."

Druid: It's actually lies covered in carrots!

Rogue: Lies covered in carrots.

DM: The door locks itself.

[NRSASD]

Tarqhua: It's like beer goggles for Jesus!

Seth: Hi we're your friends.
Hobgoblin: I don't have any friends left.
Seth: We're your new friends!

All of the female players in unison, upon seeing more pirate wizards: Ah! More fabulous men!

Pirate Wizard: Fashion is our only crime!

Tomph: Who's that cowboy in the corner?
Seth: Oh my, I like him! I'm going to take his clothes.

[HalfTangible]

"Of course! I..." Saint's stance suddenly shifts, pushing out his chest in a swaggering posture. "...am the infamous wandering warrior, Saint of Heroes. And I'm going to get some answers from this Warden, if he's letting his city fall into such vile darkness!"

As Saint announces himself, there's a moment of silence in the building.

Then, "Who?"
"Wait, you don't know either?"
"Oh thank the gods, I thought I was the only one..."
"You shouldn't say you're infamous if you're not, kid, you'll give people heart attacks."

Usho scowls. "Well you WILL know him when he saves all of you faster than you can say 'the Empress bathes in goat's blood'!"
"Oh gods, does she?"
"Is that how she stayed young for centuries?"
"I heard it was the blood of her own children... that's why she had so many of them!"
"She had goat kids?!"

Usho buries his faces in his hands. "[Saint] do we have to save these people?"

[Telok]

"Lackey! More flamers!"

"Lackey! Another fire extinguisher!"

"Well I'm not the one who burnwd down the city this time.

"Did we just give the mind flayers a world destroying super weapon?"

"None of us own any planets right? Just the spaceship?"

[dunfluff]

Different campaign due to hiatus in meetings:
(I´ve never seen so many nat 1:s)

Tenka: I’m dead!? wait does that mean we can double die? can we triple die? can we even kill anything? double kill?

Tenka: you know when people say to stay calm? Those are the moments when you definitely should not stay calm.

Tenka: I’m not sure you can starve once you are dead. but I’m not about to find out.
Asher: how do you think skeletons happen?

Tenka: wow. remind me never to piss off Ray of sunlight born by the... something or other... forgot it.
Asher: you could start with remembering his name.
Tenka: come on. it’s a long and complicated name.
Ray Of Sunlight, Born By The Grace Of The GODDESS, Rememeber,That One Day, You Too, Shall Die: it’s a medium length name and to the point.

Ray: have you made peace with your gods?
Tenka: I don’t know. I´ve gone to church every Sunday. so... yes?

NPC: you are not technically in the right post mortem frame of reference?

Asher: Deathception.
GM: yes. the entire boneyard is a little confused.

NPC: We can’t leave the graveyard in this state in the boneyard. That would be the gravest of insults.

Tenka: we could try to run away... from a large god like entity... so... not many good options.

Tenka: Lets double kill this bird.
Asher: I grab the crow with burning hands.
Ray: I am morally conflicted right now.

Bird: YOU STUPID &%#@!
Ray: I won’t deny that.

Bird: Get of me!
Asher: Don’t get off!
Ray: I won’t help the bird get off.

Mayor: why have you bound a bird?
Tenka: It kept screaming at us.

Asher: So many teeth. so unnerving.
GM: He has teeth on his head.
Tenka: He has teeth in his head.
Asher: Not a lot according to his picture.

Crow: he’s lying trough his teeth.
Asher: I take a step forward and BURNING HANDS.
Tenka: Ah, a heated argument I see.

Tenka: The real owner of this castle will be SO happy with us.
Asher: Whenever I have a problem I throw a Molotov cocktail at it. Oh look, a new problem.
GM: The diplomat everyone.

Tenka: oh... this has never happened for me before...
Asher: YES, IT HAS!
Asher: MORE FIRE!

GM: the perfect strike with the strength of a butterfly.
GM: What we have learned today is that it’s time to do pushups.

Ray: I walk up and with the inevitability of winter I... miss.
Tenka: In this group that really is inevitable.
Ray: Statistically this should not happen.

Asher: if we are going to be ineffective we can at least do it inexpensively

[DigoDragon]

Oze: "I guess I'm not a figment of my own imagination."

Icebreaker: "CPAs. Who really certifies them?"

News Pony: "A truck filled with red paint has overturned after colliding with a delivery drone carrying brown shoe polish. Drives at the intersection are marooned until emergency servies arrive."

Nebula: "I have ponykinesis. I will fight you for these cookies!"
Nivix: "I have ponykinesis too. I will fight back!"
Father Irons: "Now now, we are all children of Celestia. There is cookies for everyone."
Icebreaker: "Some of us are more children than others..."

Icebreaker: "So what we do is toss all the cookies into a blender-"
Nebula: "NOOO!!"
Icebreaker: "What? That's basically how you make a Starbucks drink."
GM: "...fair point."

Voice in the hall: "One two, buckle my shoe..."
Icebreaker: "Nebula, stop being creepy."
Nebula: *snoring like a truck*
Lethe: "I'm waking the other team members."
Voice in the hall: "Three four, shut the door..."
Nebula: "I'm going to have nightmares about this."
Oze: "Same."

Peanu Gallery: "The Shadow Realm needs better wifi."

PCs: *critting their dodgeball attacks*
Smirkfluff: "Someone needs to call these shadow creatures a Wahbulance."
GM: "The announcer isn't even coherent now. Just growling at this point."
Nivix: "Angry shadow muppet noises."

Tantabus: "Why isn't she burning?! It's been 15 minutes, I preheated this oven!"

Nivix: "I am perfectly willing to subject myself to the nightmares. For science."

Nebula: "I'm going to eat a horsetess snack cake. Angrily."

Oze: "Is Nebula being hunted by some organization?"
Nebula: (*spittakes*) "What."
Icebreaker: "Wanted, dead or alive: this child!"

Nebula: "Is the wifi box sitting on one of those awkward shelves that doesn't quite fit anything?"
GM: "Where it hangs, looking out of place? Yes."
Icebreaker: "When you're as old as Madam Mimi, you have to be careful of the weefee demons!"

Madam Mimi: "You all seem to be very interested, and Lethe rolled a 27 Sense Motive against me..."

[Guizonde]

finally a player again! meet yeet the gnoll.

ogrin: we should pack food.
yeet: i haz food.
drow rogue (unrevealed name): i've seen what you eat. i'm not eating goblin.
yeet: i haz human-food, too. i can cook good food for you. i keep the goblin for me. taste good.
fen'wei: well, at least we're not on the menu!
ogrin: yet.

yeet: hay tribe mine! if yeet give cheese to people, they become friends!
dm: that was way too adorable for a 7 foot tall anthropophage.
ogrin: out-faced by a walking garbage disposal.

fen'wei the elf: ok, time to go see the burger-master.
yeet: i haz no more cheese, how will ogrin make him like tribe?
rogue: maybe he likes goblin?

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: The book presents five options for how the players could potentially solve the crisis. You all chose option six.
Players: But all the people involved in options 1-5 hate us!

[ConanOfSumeria]

"You know what they call a quarterstaff in France?"

"You must declare you are wearing pants."

[Lord Torath]

"Wait, I thought we were fighting the banshee!"
"The banshee now works for Therium."
"So now the undead scorpions are on our side?"
"Yup."
"So now the ceiling's attacking us."
"Yup."

[Diachronos]

"And you're doing that as a f*cking carrot?!"

"And the only person behind it is a sack of carrots at 7 inches tall."

[Grendus]

Player: Sounds like we found a new base. With a minor monster infestation.

DM: Shouldn't you wait until you're out of earshot before you start openly planning to betray the questgiver?

[Necroticplague]

"Oh no, I am cursed as all heck, just like the rest. It's simply that I was designed to be cursed later, making me the sole good guy of my master's creations."

[AdmiralCheez]

"We paid off our loan to the mob, and now our loan shark is crashing on our couch for a week."
"Wait, what? This is why I can't leave you in charge of the tavern!"
"They're paying us 400 gold."
"Never mind! Carry on!"

[Diachronos]

"Boss Fight Part 2: Political Boogaloo"

[NotInventedHere]

"I am reasonably sure that you can't tell the difference between ghosts and illusory cocaine dealers using Sense Motive."

[Rynjin]

"This one goes in your mouth. This one goes up your butt. Don't get them mixed up or you'll die."

[Guizonde]

dm: so you see about 30 twig-blights. yeet, what do you do?
yeet: yeet gleefully charges into the fray spewing insults in hyena!
wheeze: language!

wheeze: hey dog and paladin! get down!
ogryn: *ducks*
yeet: dog? what dog? *gets hit by a lightning bolt*

dm: so the giant tree bites ogryn for 21 points of damage.
yeet: i'm gonna pee on that thing out of spite for hurting my tribe.
*the tree is dead*
yeet: *pees on the tree*
wheeze: that's gross.
ogryn: she did give us fair warning.

ulman: fen'wei? how are you up on the ceiling?
fen'wei: pirate antics.
ulman: how is your hat still on?
fen'wei: trade secret.

wheeze: what's that smell?
ulman: you set fire to our gnoll-mother. what did you expect?

yeet: hey ulman, loot the valuables, i'm looting the meat.
ulman, with distaste in his voice: yeah, go right ahead.

ulman: anything happening over there?
ogryn: nah, yeet is tenderizing dinner. how does roasted raven and potatoes sound?
fen'wei: this is why i'm a pescatarian.

wheeze: why is the smelly pet cooking dinner?
ulman: you get used to it.

[Diachronos]

"He gave me muffins, so I killed people."

[Necroticplague]

Nesdu:...should we be worried about why you aren't Immaculate anymore?
Gene: Nah, I was just a **** monk. Turns out, 'trying too hard' is apparently a big no-no amongst them. Unfortunately, the nickname stuck.

[Diachronos]

"I turn on the horse."

[Laughing Dog]

"Our name is Legion, for I am... many."

[Destro2119]

"What is the armor class of Washington DC?"

[NotInventedHere]

"Okay, I'm giving you five experience points because it was a funny war crime."

[Diachronos]

"Oh, right! They don't recognize you as one of the heroes because you did all that sh*t as a f*cking lemur!"

[DeTess]

"So, I'm basically trying to no-clip to get to the other side of the magical dimensional barrier."

"It worked! ...crap, it worked."

[MoiMagnus]

"We want to say to him that something is happening. We don't really know if he wants to destroy the world of save it but in both cases we want to help him."

"(Boss) I am the song of war and the howl of death!!! (Confused Paladin) Sorry ... who are you again?"

"Hear me out, if might sound crazy, but I think that walking through blizzard for a week to say a quick hello to this venerable white dragon actually increases our chances of survival."

[KnotKnormal]

Male 30 year old Halfling: I haven't had this much fun since I was a 13 year old girl.

Riden: I'm a pretty accomplished trophy hunter
Lakhi: wait... I thought you gave the penis back.

Lakhi: how many people have you murdered?
Naga: 1
Filo: Oh! That seams like a pretty reasonable amount of murder.

Lakhi: I will appreciate the torture. I mean you will appreciate the torture. We all will appreciate the torture.

[KnotKnormal]

Chef: If we are going to die, we are going to die well fed.
Ralph: But if we don't die, then we die hungry

[NotInventedHere]

"Re-plant your gays?"

"...Well, it's better than 'compost your gays'."

[BettaGeorge]

Party wizard (after careful deliberation): "Tell you what. You give us back our wedding cake, and we let you get back to torturing the senator for information."

[Telok]

Barred from making zombie cow necro-milk farms.

When the DM introduces an undead skin monster may not figure out how to enemy leather armor turn into such during combat.

No more evil laughter while cooking people alive with Heat Metal spells if I want to maintain my position as an official paragon of humanitarian virtue and kindness. The burning, killing, and tasteless BBQ jokes are still OK, it was just the laughter that was crossing the line.

[Diachronos]

"This cake is going to confuse the tiefling."

[Lord Torath]

Barred from making zombie cow necro-milk farms.

When the DM introduces an undead skin monster may not figure out how to enemy leather armor turn into such during combat.

No more evil laughter while cooking people alive with Heat Metal spells if I want to maintain my position as an official paragon of humanitarian virtue and kindness. The burning, killing, and tasteless BBQ jokes are still OK, it was just the laughter that was crossing the line.I think you meant to post in this thread:
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XII: A Thousand-Yard Stare is not Permission (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?573751-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-While-Playing-XII-A-Thousand-Yard-Stare-is-not-Permission)

Don't feel bad; it's a common mistake. :smallbiggrin:

[Telok]

I think you meant to post in this thread:
Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XII: A Thousand-Yard Stare is not Permission (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?573751-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-While-Playing-XII-A-Thousand-Yard-Stare-is-not-Permission)

Don't feel bad; it's a common mistake. :smallbiggrin:

Yeah, oopsie. I blame small phone screens. On topic:

"Would you prefer cat vomit or baby poop for this dragon?"

[Diachronos]

"They aren't afraid of down, they're afraid of up."

[AdmiralCheez]

"Did we just get pranked into murdering a guy for no reason?"
"If it makes you feel better, we're about to genocide the entire city, so you know.... his life didn't really matter anyway."
"Thanks, that somehow doesn't make me feel better about any of this."


"Did you... eat his belongings?"
"The rest of him is still in the parlor if you're interested."
"... I'm gonna loot the body."


"So is your ritual going to turn everyone into Slaads, like this was going to?"
"No, my ritual is going to turn it into soup."
"Ooh, where's the ritual circle of unlimited breadsticks?"

[Cortillaen]

GM: "At the end of the hallway, you come to a door."
P1: "What's it made out of?"
GM: "I dunno, it's made of door!"

Me: summing up previous session "Okay, so we were fighting the gray alien mafia in their stupid pinstripe suits, and P2 gathered up a bunch kinetic energy that I dumped into a rifle shot and blew their saucer to hell. Then the paranoid trucker-mage drove us back to the real world."

GM: "You trigger the paradox backlash, and your body starts folding in on itself, compressing over and over until all that is left is your right hand sitting on the floor. Then your eye opens on the back of the hand and you see the Man-in-Black who was about to inject you still staggered from the eruption of magic."
P2: "Wait, I'm still alive?!"
GM: "More or less. But you're just a hand with an eye now."
P2: "Can I move like Thing from the Addams Family?"
GM: "Sure."
P2: "I run up his leg, grab the syringe, and stab him with it."

[KnotKnormal]

Filo: Infact there will be many EXPOSED penises there, and that is where I feel you will be the least safe.

Filo: it's ok these are the child rapists. At least I hope these are the child rapists this time.

[AdmiralCheez]

"So you're a kobold druid with a gun, and a habitual art thief?"


"Can anyone see the red text on the map that clearly says 'pit trap?'"
"No?"
"Oh good, that's working! There's no pit trap."


"There's a skeleton on the bed."
"Oh, not again!"
"Do you... do you frequently encounter skeletons on beds?"

[Diachronos]

"Tyler, you and Sexy Jake are making my job at being a demon who's accepted in this town way harder than it needs to be."

[Wizard_Lizard]

"I roll a six and swallow a few bees."

"The meat is good! Trust me! I've eaten this kind of food before!" Proffers the cooked flesh of an unfortunate dwarf.

[Guizonde]

grigori: relax, we're just starting a gang war, everything'll be fine.
aaron: *pulls out an autocannon*
grigori: ok, i can roll with that.

[GravityEmblem]

"That would be like the Three Stooges guarding the most dangerous prisoner in the world."

"Have some wisdom, son!" *hands him a paper that says "rice krispies suck"*

"Wait, the Rainbow Zebra doesn't have four arms?"

"I leave for one year, and when I come back, my dad's married to a dragon!"

"Apparently, Harambe is as big as a T-Rex."

"It should really be called 'The Blade of Whirling Death' instead of "The Greataxe of Axehead Falling Off"

"I summon my Familiar." "It instantly dies."

"That's a success, you're no longer scared pantsless."

[the_david]

"So you swim for another hour."

[LastCenturion]

"Consequentialism is the morality of kings, I'll kill you quickly and profitably."
"Yeah yeah, just make it a really dope death."
"Is there a non-dope way to consensually shoot your ally and fellow noble in the face until demons pop out and destroy giant mechanical apocalypse-spiders?"
"Point."

[Vknight]

"We must have career courtesy between witches even ones that eat children."

"You are correct my only goal is to guard the bridge you can just go around but I was really hoping for the fight"

"I am TAIYO bow before me and my great cosmic power over fire!!" *The ninja proceeds to pet him*

[dunfluff]

Horell: Ok. Things to remember to not say to the ninjas. Hello monkey. And eggnog city.
Lonji: Hello eggnog monkeys.

Alum: Don’t half ass 2 things, whole ass 1 thing.
Lonji: I’m already dragging your ass through town.

GM: I don’t think there is a knowledge crime.
Lonji: we are adventurers, we all have knowledge of a lot of crimes.

Scar: Does it look like a square rock with arms and legs?
Alum: he kind of looks like a tiny alum with wings.
Sasani: oh god how does it fly?
Alum: with great skill and immense determination.

Lonji: Oh no. My problem is that I’m not just incredibly hard to notice, I also am incredibly bad at noticing anything

Horell: I’m suddenly happy that I’m half pelican.

Lonji: Am I being evil if I stab this thing? I mean I can always stop stabbing it.
Sasani: it is a very stabbable offence.

Npc: *Hits Horrell*
Horell: *splits in two*
Npc: you’re doing it wrong, now there’s two of them.
Alum: you have to hit him backwards.

GM: alum, roll a reflex save
Alum: why would you say something so controversial?

GM: I know we joke a lot about this Alum, but you are actually made of flesh right?
Scar: did you actually turn into stone?
Horell: I think he actually turned into stone
Lonji: he does make a pretty statue.

Alum: I blame Lonji.
Lonji: Hey!
Alum: this all started when you called me statuesque.

Lonji: he talk with mouth like he pronounces goodly.

Alum: this is the tiny wall all over again.

Sasani: you really shouldn’t have given me the "no fun allowed" sword.

Horell: I like this guy.
Lonji: he’s both logical and practical. This has never happened.
Scar: can we knock him out and take him with us?
Alum: Horell, can you clone him?
Lonji: NO!
Horell: ...yes.

Lonji: I can’t see Horrell anymore, he landed on the other side of the... oh no.
Lonji: is this how you guys feel all the time about me? I like it.

GM: is that a hit?
Alum: yes, it is a t-rex. it’s not hard to hit, but you have to get worryingly close to do it.

Scar: HE WAS BEING POLITE!

Alum: The t-rex is a wise being
Lonji: haha, it’s so much wiser than me.

Horell: I AM HORELL FROM SANDPOINT, IMORTAL LIFECHEMIST, FLEE NOW!
NPC: You’re not even a real bird person.

Alum: I’m going to beast shape into a giant $#&§off bird.
Lonji: But rocks cant fly.
Alum: This one can.

Alum: you may play your sword and sorcery, but I’m in a friggin KAIJU MOVIE!

Lonji: PINEAPPLE! oh wait... CAREFULL!

Scar: I would run this country into the ground, building swamps everywhere.
Alum: you don’t build swamps. you stop building things and swamps sort of pop up.

Lonji: what’s the polite word for ninja?
Alum: freelance intelligence service.

Horell: Making potions for an entire army is monstrously expensive.
Lonji: They have an economy, it’s called being a country.

Alum: it’s always nice when anatomy works as intended.

Alum: I mean... they do look a lot like bowling pins from here.

Alchemist: Come down here and fight like a man.
Horell: I don’t suppose you could come up here and fight like a bird?

Horell: What do you call a flock of Horells? A MURDER!
Alchemist: See? He gets it.

Lonji: I can try, but it’s getting really hard to try and bluff everyone that we are a traveling circus.
Scar: Why are we concerned with stealth?
Horell: Also, we are transporting an army...
Sasani: Circus.

Sasani: Can you make a hollow in "stone Horrell" and put "real Horell" inside.
Lonji: Can we turn this into pacific rim?
Horell: I’m not saying that’s a bad idea... just that its hilarious.
Alum: if I was in charge this would have been a kaiju movie a long time ago.

Alum: out of all the summoned creatures I can call, Scar is still the most powerful.
Sasani: When you summon him does he get the celestial template?

Lonji: Don’t murder Horell. if anything, that’s overplayed.

Horell: I know I said to the dude that we had a plan, but we really don’t.
Lonji: We had an idea of a plan.
Scar: we have like 5% of a plan.

Lonji: We are a metaphorical heart attack.

Lonji: I’m not guilty of any crime, I’m just here to murder you.

[LastCenturion]

"They're elementals. Small for elementals, medium to large for a fish."
My character said this exact line no fewer than five times, to different people.

"This person claims to be a woman, which you've said trumps dignity. The broom closet is acceptable."

"Why are you telling me this? I'm a fisherman, not an adventurer."
"You're my best friend and I thought maybe you'd want to gossip? But fine, we can talk about something else. Who are the new guys?"

[Diachronos]

"Remember when I rolled PP?"

[u-b]

"Should I feel bad that we can use Justin's armoured courpse as an anchor to stop us going over the waterfall?"

[Diachronos]

"Well, he is a dog, so he's chewing on a dragon."

"I hear you have a castle problem."

[Foeofthelance]

"If kissing a frog gets you a prince, does the frog kissing the tyrannosaurus get the paladin back?"

[dunfluff]

Asher everytime he opens a door: I am Asher Levan d'Erages of the church of Pharasma. I`M HERE TO GET MY PASSPORT STAMPED!

Asher: I have authority! I have poise! I’m covered in goo!

GM: The furniture attacks you.
Tenka: Thats not a riddle! Thats not a riddle at all!

GM: what do you roll to identify booze?
Asher: I would guess Appraise, knowledge nobility or depending on the alcohol level, a fortitude save.

GM: The young magician has gotten into the spirit of the game. And judging by the smell, so has the cleric.

Tenka: so not just... material booze.

Ray: That's kind of my hole shtick. not being fun.

Ray: I can only be disappointed once per day.
GM: we all know that this is not true.

Tenka: There has to be at least 3 of them.
GM: well... you’re not wrong.
Asher: oh dear. perception is not your highest skill, is it?

Asher: AH! FIRE!
Tenka: that’s your answer to everything.
Asher: it has worked so far.

Asher: I can’t get poisoned. I’m protected by a layer of boils from wasp stings.

GM: And this is why you don’t eat origami grasshoppers.

Tenka: if I cant see it it cant hurt us.

GM: Asher, you hear a "tink" as Tenka tries to stab you in the back.
Asher: what are you doing? you’re not even that good with that thing.
Tenka: to be honest. that was really good for being me.
GM: he's right.

Asher: is it stealth or knowledge religon to find someplace to hide?

Asher: *praying* please hide us from maktena.
maktena: yes? hello?

Asher: We are in a house full of paper. I have so much fire.
Tenka: i have the wand of putting out fires.
Crow: im basically a wand of putting out fires.
Ray: I have a shovel.

Asher: my favorite enemy is paper.

GM: one of the peaches tries to eat you.
Ray: that’s ok. I’m impeachable.

Asher: oh god he’s a were peach!

Ray: Of course, you would abandon us.
GM: yes. there is no way you’re running away and letting the paladin see you like this.

Tenka: PESSIMISM FOR THE WIN.

GM: I SUGEST you turn around and leave.
Ray: yes. this is obviously a waste of time.
Tenka: I knew you would abandon us.
Ray: ...ouch.

Asher: I’m slowly building up an immunity through exposure.

Asher: YYYEEEEEEEESSSSSS!
GM: the good part of this poison is that it requires 2 consecutive saves.
Asher: OH COME ON.

GM: Tenka, you now realize that the term flailing wildly would be a lot easier if you had a flail.

Asher: I’m now immune to the poison. my blood is mostly poison anyway.

GM: your best sense was nonsense.

Tenka: Hello, I am Tenka Frostwolf from Rosslars coffer, we are here to get our passport stamped.

Asher: Wait... What? How? what? I don’t understand!
GM: You are as confused as you can be without having the confused condition.

Tenka: It has no mouth, and you must scream?

GM: This thing has the most CN personality. like a cat.
Tenka: knocking people of shelves?
GM: Yes.

Ray: Either I hit or it sucks my brain out. Here goes nothing.
*Miss*
GM: And there goes nothing.

Asher: She’s trying to be friendly, I don’t trust her for a second.

Asher: This thing seems to be running on some kind of magical energy.

GM: The paladin is currently practicing crouching moron hidden badass.

Crow: [GM], you told us to be creative with the tree feather token.
GM: This isn’t creative so much as "am gona brake thing"

[Diachronos]

Robot dragon: (to PC who just arrived) "Hi, Ducky!" (to party's alchemist) "You keep drinking, it's important!"

[GravityEmblem]

"Should I play his wife?"

[Darth Paul]

GM: "The analysis concludes that Ron has supernatural strength. He is a threat and must be eliminated. They concluded that Mark's character has some sort of electrical powers, and must be eliminated. As a shapechanger, Dan must be eliminated. And your character seems to have some ability to distract their minions so they all shot at you first, allowing your party to sneak in and get tactical surprise. You must be dissected to find out what this power is."

Me (playing the only mundane character in the party): "DISSECTED?!!"

[Telok]

"Is that a twelve foot tall were-treant with a laser cannon or are you just happy to see me?"

[Calthropstu]

"What's better than a +2 longsword?""
"+3 longsword"
...

[KorvinStarmast]

Immediately after the party concludes a non-combat encounter with a young copper dragon, and the copper dragon is still there next to the party
Halfling paladin: "I want to adopt the dragon."
Human bard: "I guess you can try, but I don't think it will work." (tries to motion to the dragon who is, like, right there -->)
paladin: "Why not?" (Genuine concern is present in the paladin's voice)
bard: "That dragon's Int score is 16, and yours is 10. I don't think that any amount of bardic inspiration is going to overcome that. Besides, to him, you are roughly an after-dinner-treat."

=========================

Party's fourth encounter of the day is against four owl bears. Hard fight. Last encounter of the day

Barbarian: "OK, let's set up camp. What's for dinner?"
Party checks and nobody has rations. Nobody.
Wizard: "How 'bout you go and forage some dinner?"
Barbarian: "How about you go (explicit sexual act)!"
Ranger: "How about we cook and eat the owl bear?"
Party agrees. Food prep/cooking happens
Fighter asks DM: "Does owl bear taste like chicken?"
DM (rolls): "Nope. Tastes kinda gamey, actually."
Wizard (casts prestidigitation): "Mine tastes like fried chicken. Yummy"
Barbarian: "Can you do that to mine?"
Wizard: "How about you go (explicit sexual act)!"

[Diachronos]

"The sun is weed!"

[Telok]

"I cast Taunt."
"There's no taunt spell in this game."
"Friends."
"Oh. Oh, yeah. And you aren't a sorcerer so you can't hide it... I guess that works. He attacks you."

[DeTess]

"Well, I don't know how physics work!"
"Violently, in this case."

[KorvinStarmast]

From Wednesday night's session.

"The cleric came near, reeking of beer, and proceeded to lie on the table"

Sung by the party bard. And yes, the cleric was well into her cups.

[Diachronos]

"I karate chop it with the sun."

[vasilidor]

"If I do what I have originally planned, we will have a popsicle baby."

[Telwar]

"Where did you get that much alchemist's fire, CostCo?"

[Diachronos]

"It peels off like foil off of an Easter chocolate, but in this case the chocolate is monsters."

[Phoenixguard09]

“Would you, by chance, happen to identify yourself as an adventurer of sorts?” – Ailbhe, in a sidling sort of way.

“Ah, a mercenary sure. Adventurer? Well, in a way, yes, I guess. Why? What do you see yourself as?” – The traveller, a little taken aback.

“A rogue, of the dashing variety.” – Ailbhe, a note of pride creeping into her voice.

...

“I’m not just a girl, I’m an adventurer! Now, I’m asking you again, for the last time, who are you working for?” – Ailbhe, proudly exclaiming as she jabs her captive’s neck with the point of her knife, keeping the man’s body in between her and his ally as best she can.

...

“Hey Michael, what’s your star-sign? You’re not a Stallion are you?” – Ailbhe, her reedy voice suddenly breaking the relative silence.

“Uh, Dragain? – Michael, not entirely sure off the top of his head.

“Aw yes! Nice, yeah, me too. How good is that?” – Ailbhe, excitedly dropping the corpse’s legs and holding up one of her furry hands, palm extended towards the Highlander.

“Um, yeah, sure?” – Michael, stopping briefly, lowering the corpse to the ground and wiping his brow free of sweat with the back of his hand.
Ailbhe grabs Michael’s other hand with her left and forces him to give her a hi-five.

“You’ve never seen that before? I’m pretty sure it’s an adventurer thing. It’s okay though, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon enough.” – Ailbhe, cheerfully grabbing the corpse’s legs again and waiting for Michael to take up his load once more.

...

All from the first session of Seven Stones and a Pale Shadow (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?634302-Seven-Stones-and-a-Pale-Shadow-A-Norbayne-Campaign-Log), the new Norbayne campaign log I have begun posting here on GitP.

[GravityEmblem]

"So, you all sleep in the sarcophagi, with throw pillows."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "The fire giant failed his Wisdom saving throw - he's not a halfling!"
Bard: "I could see that from over here"

The fire giant rolled a 1, which if it had been rolled by a halfling would allow for a re roll

[PhoenixPhyre]

DM: "The fire giant failed his Wisdom saving throw - he's not a halfling!"
Bard: "I could see that from over here"

The fire giant rolled a 1, which if it had been rolled by a halfling would allow for a re roll

And there had been several other halfling NPCs in that fight who had rerolled 1s. As well as a halfling PC. My dice hate me, it seems.

[KorvinStarmast]

And there had been several other halfling NPCs in that fight who had rerolled 1s. As well as a halfling PC. My dice hate me, it seems. Note to self: DM will have more halfling evil NPCs introduced into the campaign as a self defense measure against DM rolling 1s ... :smalleek:

[braveheart]

Is that written in gnoman numerals?

[Phoenixguard09]

“Shadow. Don’t worry, the knife’s in this hand. Wait, what knife?” – Shadow, offering his right hand to shake, as his left produces and then sheathes a dagger with a flourish.

* * *

“That’s a weird looking dog.”

* * *

“Can’t believe it, basically a tree climbing a tree. And she carried that thing up there too. It’s practically the size of a horse.”

* * *

“Is that… that’s no dog…” – The newcomer, a little taken-aback by the creature. She had noticed it, briefly, earlier, but did not pay too much attention before.

“It’s a cow!” – The still disembodied voice of Shadow.

* * *

“I don’t even know her. Who is she? I’m Shadow. What’s with the big knife? Don’t worry, the knife’s in this hand. Wait, what knife?” – Shadow, striding confidently towards the newcomer.

* * *

“Might be best to keep the trouser leg rolled up for a few hours, just to let it settle. Maybe stay off it for a little too, just let it heal a bit.” – Marwolaeth, tying off the bandage.

“So I’ll need someone to carry me.” – Shadow, nodding sagely.

“No, no, no, you can still walk, just not with all that sass like you normally do.” – Marwolaeth, putting her hands up.

“Not my normal strut then. I see.” – Shadow, with just the hint of a sardonic smile and his usual humour.

* * *

“Marwolaeth, ah, selling more acid of the finest quality I see. Quite the effect you know, I used some just the other night and, well, it did the job very nicely. Little to no residue, only the faintest scent, well and truly worth the cost.”

* * *

“Just a little one. A little bit of poison. Like, one dose of poison.”

* * *

“Ah, sleeping draught. Or paralysis? What one would you like? Or perhaps you want sleeping and paralysis?”

“That’s a thing?”

* * *

Draught of Living Death : )
Causes intense paralysis,
Effective for short period,
Possible side effects,
Don’t use on self.

* * *

“I’d offer to make some for you too, but I don’t know if I can go up to size twenty-six.”

* * *

“Where are you going?” – The voice again, insistent. This time, Shadow sees the offender, a pitch-black raven sitting in a nest of sorts constructed upon a windowsill, tucked away in overgrown greenery.

“Where are you going?” – The raven asks again, it’s beady black eyes inspecting the man as it ***** its head to one side.

“I thought you had a mammoth…” – Shadow, under his breath with a small grin. He leaves the Emporium, striding out into the midday sun.

“Where are you going?” – The raven calls after him once more.

[DigoDragon]

Heh, not walking with the sass. Such hardship. XD


Dirk: "Drex, is that you?!"
Sparks: "It's Sparks now. Drex was my slave name."
Dirk: "Wow, I haven't seen you since we were hatchlings back in the nest! How have you been?"
Sparks: "Oh, you know, surviving. Trying not to get stabbed by you."
Dirk: "I know, crazy times, right? Just like the old days."
Sparks: "So are you here because I still owe you money or is this business?"
Dirk: "Purely business. The clan needs to murder you and your adventuring party."
Sparks: "Ah... I guess that means drinks after work are out of the question?"
Dirk: "Sadly, I got a five o'clock raid party to attend. New caravan coming in from the north road. You know how it is."
Party warlock: "I'm sorry, but did this TPK get interrupted by a kobold reunion?"

[GravityEmblem]

"The giant is also wearing an "Orcs Are Stupid" T-shirt"

[Telok]

"No. I refuse. I have some morals. We've started wars, nuked and burned cities, released daemon lords, started a shadow apocalypse, sold bio-weapons of mass destruction to illithid, put holes in reality, given the Cocaine Wizard Guild a literal moon of warp stone, woken two threats to all life in the universe, and generally murdered and thieved our way across half the galaxy while avoiding all responsibility. But I have morals. I will not participate in saving a civilization that accidentally turned it's children into psychopathic super-soldiers."

"Next we capture a bunch of them and sell them to the highest bidder. But maybe don't take bids from the mind flayers this time, they got the last superweapon. The vampire council might pay more."

"Please tell me that's not a vampire mind flayer."

[HalfTangible]

GM: "She is the head of House Calida. Ambitious, industrious..."
P1: "... single?"
GM: "She is successfully married with several kids."
P1: "Any single daughters?"
GM: "Her kids are married, too. We're talking more GILF than MILF."
P2: "Still has ILF, though."

-

GM: "The entire room is splattered with blood and ransacked. [P2's aunt]'s corpse is lying right by the bed."
P3: "Whoah. What happened here?"

-

NPC admiral: “Her too? Well. This whole assassination thing seems contagious, hahaha”
P1 (deadpan): “Very funny ma’am.”
NPC: “Don’t walk into any dark bedrooms.”
P1: "He actually snickers at that, because he thinks it's a sex joke."

-

NPCMonk: "Some of my students got into a doctrinal dispute with the Temple of Sacred Blood. They were heavily outnumbered, but held well; it was ultimately inconclusive."
GM: "P2, you know this is code for a martial arts brawl."
P2: "Like a New York gang war."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "We are all rested and rotisserie'd."

GM: "Do you have the 500gp for the alchemy lab?"
Sparks: "I have a portable bunsen and a single beaker."
Peanut Gallery: "Mi mi mii!"

Voto: "Is that all you saw in your vision?"
Lily: "That's all that was written on the index card the GM gave me."

Beau: "First, I walk up a tree."
Voto: "You see anything from up there?"
*d20 rolls a 1*
Beau: "Yeah, foliage."

GM: "It's a forest... and it has a name. It's called... Gump."

Sparks: "I will bravely climb up this tree and cower like a boss!"

GM: "Fletching grows out of its butt."
Lily: "There's no ointment for that."

Corellon: "I was only able to save the good part of your Half-elf."

Hunter: "We're taking the hides. We're not asking."
Sparks: "Fine. Just leave us the exp."

Voto: "This is Tab? I've tasted road tar better than this!"

GM: "The shoulder bag strap isn't adjustable, so the bag drags on the floor."
Sparks: "Damn... I guess one of you tall folk could carry this bag?"
Voto: *ties a knot in the strap to shorten its length*
Sparks: "INT 17 and I couldn't think of that?"

Sparks: "Laughing Out Loud Through... what's the H stand for?"
Voto: "That's not an acronym. That's Lolth."
Sparks: "Who is Lolth?"
Voto: "You seen a spider right? Imagine one the size of your mom with the anger to eat everyone out of sheer spite."
Sparks: "So... I should lose the book."
Voto: "Burn the book."

Lily: "Who here has rope? I got 50 feet."
Voto: "I got 50 feet of rope."
Sparks: "I got... 50 feet of sarcasm."

Lily: "Not as clumsy or uncivilized as a crossbow."

Trace: "What are you?"
Sparks: "I'm a wizard."
Trace: "Hedge?"
Sparks: "No, just a kobold."

[HalfTangible]

"You successfully negotiate the sales with the farm MILFs."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "You all have become pretty famous, so your adventuring party now has groupies"

- Bard: "Heck yeah!" :smallsmile:
--Paladin(Halfling): "They'll all be taller than me!" :smallfrown:
---Sorc/Lock: "Hmm, not sure how I'm going to handle that" :smallconfused:
----Bladelock: "That's the last thing I need; I'll go bury my nose in a book" :smallyuk:

[braveheart]

If you multiply elegance by age, you are so far behind her.

[GravityEmblem]

"First, I need you to tell them I'm not selling myself into slavery, that was a misunderstanding."

[KorvinStarmast]

Ancient black dragon, addressing the party,
"All I want is peace"
all of whom had just made a DC 20 save against his 7th level spellplane shift:

The next sound heard in that cavern was the eyes of the bard, paladin, and warlock rolling so hard it caused echoes. Apparently, the sorcerer bought it.

[Calthropstu]

Ancient black dragon, addressing the party,
"All I want is peace"
all of whom had just made a DC 20 save against his 7th level spellplane shift:

The next sound heard in that cavern was the eyes of the bard, paladin, and warlock rolling so hard it caused echoes. Apparently, the sorcerer bought it.

Hey, planeshift in and of itself is not overly hostile. It is a very strong "Go away." Now if the tuning fork he used was attuned to the negative energy plane or the abyss, then definitely. (A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)

[KorvinStarmast]

Hey, planeshift in and of itself is not overly hostile. It is a very strong "Go away." Now if the tuning fork he used was attuned to the negative energy plane or the abyss, then definitely. (A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane) Given that we all saved, we have no idea where he intended to send us. But a plane shift of a creature against their will? And they have to find their own way back to their regular plane? Yes, that's hostile.

(A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)- I am pretty sure an innate caster doesn't have that problem in D&D 5e

[DigoDragon]

-Paladin(Halfling): "They'll all be taller than me!" :smallfrown:

Hey, don't judge them until you see 'em first. Could be some cute tall ones. ;)

[KorvinStarmast]

Hey, don't judge them until you see 'em first. Could be some cute tall ones. ;) The number of witty responses to that as regards the interface of halfling height and cute tall ones will remain uncounted, and un - recounted, here. :smallbiggrin:

[DigoDragon]

The number of witty responses to that as regards the interface of halfling height and cute tall ones will remain uncounted, and un - recounted, here. :smallbiggrin:

Just as planned. XD

Anyway, some new quotes--


Lily: "We're the Volt Orb of self-help."

Sparks: "This reminds me of a book I once read the first six pages of, before my clan burned it to cook dinner."
Beau: "What are you doing smoking a camel?"

Sparks: "I'm pretty sure trap doors don't grow naturally in the woods."

Voto: "Strength check of 23. I pull up the halfling and the door he's holding onto."

Beau: "I walk down the shaft."
GM: "I will need a climbing check."
Beau: "Don't have to."
GM: "Why?"
Sparks: "He has Spider Climb."
GM: "Oh right, because you love to thwart all my traps."
Beau: "So as I was saying, I walk down the shaft..."

GM: "A torch is 20 feet. Sunrod is 60. Hooded lantern is... 30."
Voto: "Flame Strike is all of it."
Sparks: "Sure, but only for an instant."

GM: "What watches do we set up?"
Sparks: "A Casio."

Beau: "He's building the booster that the starship sits on. It's effing huge."
GM: "If that fails spectacularly, Texas won't be surviving."
Sparks: "It won't be missed."

Sparks: "That's my secret, Captain. I'm always in danger."

Sparks: "Do I know you? Or owe you money?"

Beau: "They don't expect a halfling to be standing in the upper half."

Voto: "I cut the goblin into two complete strangers."

Lily: "Yeah! I crit the goblin!"
Beau: "That's great kid, don't get cocky!"

Sparks: "Voto? I found a book bound in human skin. Is that a bad thing?"

Voto: "I pry open the desk."
GM: "You break it open, but a dart trap hits you for 1 point of damage."
Voto: "I punch it for three."
Lily: "Are you okay?"
Voto: "Yeah. You gotta be tough to be dumb."

[Eldan]

From a boss fight last week:

"How about instead of summoning Dionysos to become a party venue, you instead become a hotel that fights capitalism?"

[KorvinStarmast]

"I see that I am surrounded. {casts polymorph} I am now a T-Rex. Did I step on anyone?"

[HalfTangible]

Paladin: "Glad that the group didn't have to be joined by a rogue at the next tavern who had a strange obsessive hatred for blue-skinned people specifically named "[P2's character]"."

[Hagashager]

Runer: It's not a virus it's a parasite.
Ratface: so...then it's a living, sentient creature?
Runer: Fiirx the Livereater? Yeah, he's a bad hombre, real evil.
Ratface: My sword can only hurt evil creatures.
Runer: Yep.
Ratface: Alright, hold callus down everyone...I'm gonna make an incision. Callus, this wont a bit, I promise!
Me (GM): OH, THAT'S BULL****!

Ratface: Roight, ye gonna put the alcohol on yer knackers then ye gonna shave yer pubes wit' 'is. *hands a razor blade*
Callus (male PC being played by a Female player.): Wait...I don't know what exactly I'm looking for. Where're the Crabs gonna be?
Ratface:...you...you've never cleaned your groin?
Callus (out-of-character): Obviously yes, but I don't know what Callus's gnards look like!
Ratface (still in-character): You've never cleaned your groin?

[Necroticplague]

GM: And...your munchkinry appears to have reinvented paradoxical undressing.

[Wizard_Lizard]

DM: "You see basically thousands and thousands of corpses stretching out into the ocean."
Me (Locathah Necromancer): "I think I'm in heaven."

[Taevyr]

*Wild magic sorcerer wild-magics a bunch of Flumphs while on a falling airship*

Sorcerer: "Oh, hi Bert"
Me: "...I know I shouldn't be surprised, but you know these things that just popped up out of thin air?
Sorcerer: "Yeah, this is Bert, and that one's Donnie! They pop up randomly every once in a while, fun to have a quick drink with"



DM: "So, once you've exited the wagon and rubbed the flash out of your eyes, you see Rack floating 20 feet up in the air, still glowing, and panically casting magical darts as the (NPC) rangers fire arrows at him"
Me: "...I'm gonna need a moment to process this. I'll pass this round"
Liathiel: "Yeah, this is just a bit much to deal with immediately"
Esme: "Same"
Rack: "GUYS, I'M DYING UP HERE"

[KorvinStarmast]

'No hurry, guys - these three yuan ti are turning your bard {me} into chutney' :smalleek:

[Wizard_Lizard]

Me (necromancer): I polymorph into a whale, I want to eat these fish-piranha things!!
Turns go past, all of the things are now dead.
Me (necromancer): I attack the shipwreck then I guess... (dice rolling).. for 87 damage... danggg.

[DigoDragon]

Sylvie: "That depends if you see the elf as half-full or half-empty."

GM: "When she finishes, the room is so quiet you can hear a pin drop."
Sparks: (looking up from sewing a patch onto his sleeve) "What?"

[PhoenixPhyre]

(lightly paraphrased because I can't remember the exact wording. But it happened several times.)

Inn-keeper: Now remember, we don't want any trouble here. It's a peaceful city.
Party (collectively, in unison): Don't say that. You've doomed us all

-----Later-----

NPC: The venting ritual is completely safe. Nothing to worry about at all.
Party (collectively, in unison): STOP SAYING THAT!

[Calthropstu]

GM: Your body is fully cybernetic.
Player1: I activate my cybernetic penis.
Player2: All 3 inches of it.

[Taevyr]

"Congratulations, you somehow managed to earn 5gp selling mayonnaise at the inn"

[Calthropstu]

GM:
I have perused both 3.5 and pathfinder monster and spell lists. I am 100% certain there is not a wall of boners.

[Necroticplague]

"I'm pretty sure the amnesiacs you gave me aren't working: I remember this speech, and it's just as boring the 4th time. Can I get back to my cell?"

[Amidus Drexel]

Douglas: "Tell him that Douglas has sent you! ...as long as you've killed him."

"Your mother was a microwave and your father smelled of cheap burritos."
"God bless you, taquito-san."

"Hand over the head and nobody dies!"

Hag: "Tit for tat, I suppose."
Paladin: "I'm not looking for either!"

"Is this gonna hurt?"
"It'll tingle, yeah."

"These corpses were desecrated when we got here."

"Seems like you're having a mid-ladder crisis."

"it's made of... laddermantium."

"I am the axe-pert."

"Let's get the **** up this elevator and go down that ladder."

"Oh my god, you can't just ask why someone is undead."

"Crack skulls and take ears, that's our motto."

"We come bearing gifts - how about a nice game of cornhole?"

"I'm an elf, all we do is humble-brag"

"it's a free action to high-five in this campaign"

[dunfluff]

Lonji: The world works in mysterious ways to make things more convenient for me.


Lonji: I keep forgetting I cant speak underwater


Horell: I made a goo-team.
GM: Yes, they are all as slimy as dragons.


Lonji: I hit myself, I parry myself, I riposte myself.


Lonji: I have a scroll of explosive runes. Look at it!


Tenka: on the other hand, you probably SHOULD boobytrap graveyards. Because you don't want dead people walking out of them.


Lonji: so, the water is having a moral crisis?


Alum: Don't do it until I can figure out if it will kill you. Death is annoying.


Lonji: did you fart? it looked like you were concentrating really really hard and then there was a fart.


GM: A portal opens behind you... *Rolls* ...and the immediately closes.
Lonji: Did he summon invisible monsters?
Alum: Either that or it was a parallel universe farting.


Sasani: so... you're aiming for a career as an aquarium-decoration?


Horell: well... ok... I suddenly regret all of my actions.


Lonji OOC: Thats why yogsototh hasn´t been able to swallow the world. The planet is desperately grappling everything on it. Thats what gravity is.


Lonji: yes. stab him for safety. safetystab.


Lonji: it's not much but it might keep you alive, I'm not asking for miracles, except I am using cleric spells. So, I literally am.


NPC: it's not easy watching your friends die.
Alum: no, it's not. I HAVE TO FIX THAT.
NPC: I remember when I died.
Alum: So do I.


SWORD: Get me closer. I want to cut them with my me.


Scar OOC: Scar is an excellent ventrilll... ventro... Scar speak good.


Scar: Horell is basically an expert at dying. Death is basically just standing and watching with a clip-card.
Horell: only 2 more times and I get a free coffee.


Lonji: I think I take more from her side.
Alum: look. Hats are not an inherited trait.


Scar: I'm just gona say this once. Clinch. Clinch hard.

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin, as he swings his sword; "Guys, didn't anyone but me save?"

Six berserkers form the Horn of Valhalla and the entire rest of the party had all missed their DC 14 Wis save versus the Eidolon

[PhoenixPhyre]

Quotes of the night:

DM: have you ever seen a turtle vomit? Now you have...rolls an attack roll... Right in Zeke's face.

DM: dragon bureaucracy is a force to be reckoned with.

[KorvinStarmast]

A few quotes:

"You may not know me, that's why I carry Dragon Express"

Bard: "I am all about shameless self promotion. Shameless Self Promotions is the name of my LLC"

Bladelock: "Ritual master Jes Sun has it all well in hand. Ten houses? Wait, Ninjas!"

Bard to DM: "Did you say the Eldest's lair, or the Elvis Layer?"

"It's totally Safe ... OSHA would of course approve"

In the days that come there will be a deliverance by fire and blood - dwarvish prophesy
Sorcerer: "Cher is our friend"

Circle with 9 arrows facing out, tattoo on cultist

Zeke: "Prismatic Spray?" {voice rising?}
Paladin: "Zeke, please get out of the way!"
Bladelock: "If she's gonna cast Prismatic Spray, I'll go and get some food. This may take a while"

[GravityEmblem]

"The moose has started a concert."

[HalfTangible]

Player: "[describing how he seduces a noblewoman for a minute and a half]"
DM (interrupts): "Look, you get a +8, just shut up already..."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: This zombie looks like it is very dead

[WindStruck]

"HkgIufm! ArGhargh! KiNg!"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "Remind me of what plot items we found in that cave?"
GM: "Two ledgers. One was the sales of stolen goods, and the other-"
Sylvie: "Was Heath."

Sylvie: "This is Denise."
Beau: "And the boy?"
Sylvia: "Denephew."

Sparks: "Hey, look at this new spell I learned!"
Sparks: *dives off the balcony, slams into the table below, flipping the table and launching the mugs of ale through the glass window, showering ale at a passing horse who gets spooked and runs, smashing over a produce cart*
Farmer: "My cabbages!"
Sylvie: "You do know that this part of town is under an anti-magic ward, right?"
Sparks: "I. Am. Now. Aware."

Sylvie: "It turns out there's a twist in our quest."
City guard: "A twist? Who staged this, Shyamalan?"
Sylvie: "It was a good twist."
Sparks: "So no."

Duchess: "Does this Displacer Beast cloak make my butt look displaced?"

Sparks: "He has a B.A. in Battle Administration."

Donkey: "And in the morning, I'm making waffles."

Hobgoblin: "That's my Geas and I'm sticking to it."

GM: "Night falls, take 1d4 damage."
Beau: (*uses online roller*) "Wait, a 27?!"

Lily: *Sets up a booth at the edge of town*

Cure light wounds: $25
Cure light herpes: $250
Cure light harpies: $2500



Sparks: "I've never been in a ship before."
Slyvie: "The fandom will fix that, don't worry."

Sparks: "Just looking at the boat bobbing in the water makes me feel ill."
Sylvie: "Then you're going to LOVE the next 5 weeks."
Sparks: "I'm going to ask the sailors around in the tavern for advice on surviving this voyage."
GM: "The sailors tell you various (and sometimes conflicting) tales, tips, and rumors on sea survival. Most of it is so superstitious that it's like taking a -2 penalty to your check."

Sparks: "Everything is bad luck! Women on ships is bad luck, knowing how to swim is bad luck, 17 out of 18 cloud types are bad luck..."
Lily: "You may want to find some remedies for seasickness."
Sparks: "Like don't be on a ship?"

[Telok]

"It's quiet... Too quiet."
"Bunny slipper attack! Rawr!"
"Aieeeeee!"

[DwarfFighter]

GM (Troll): "Salutations, adventurous persons. If you are of an inclination to traverse this structure, you must disburse payment to my own self."

Fighter: What now?

GM: Trolls speak Giant. They only use big words.

[Corey]

I return after a few days just to find I'm being used as a Goodyear blimp.

[HalfTangible]

>First round
DM: "Okay, Bloodrager, your turn."
Bloodrager: "I crit... and do 102 damage!"
DM: "I'm going to take a screenshot of this... just so you understand why I'm so friggen pissed right now"
>Boss had 102HP

[GravityEmblem]

https://chat.google.com/api/get_hangouts_attachment_url?url_type=FIFE_URL&attachment_token=AOe91x0-CvLqT4LyHCpGGPU3fBbRYjGWdCBGGC4TEh9oLBJZPRvQgx82DS 29InugDKMRoGDUOZ48TvXNbcfpttCa1PZ5FkQggER5CVRRDCY2 FOAesBkXUXDYtwKUKxL79g9IdlOeENYF9fJYE_fp5nAr7FDyaM yZCB0lpfn5y2yHqBjPBlBveWwIfbH4_3730SRCaVzX7ep9jEDx 4Q6aagBXaFr3dLvGac2RWjIrPVPSAj9rmecKhspbra16e7jU0L wEBT4TQBPYlw%3D%3D&width=1279&height=694&authuser=0&size=512

I will leave this here.

[DigoDragon]

GM: Trolls speak Giant. They only use big words.

I laughed a bit too loudly here. :smallbiggrin:


Sylvie (*draws her sword*): "I didn't get a harrumph out of you."
The Party: *surrounds the sus senator, draws weapons*

Lily: "Anything you say can and will be used against you in the church of law. If you do not have a deity to defend you, one will be assigned to you by the state-sanctioned pantheon."

GM: "You find a finger, encased in crystal. And no, not the Dark Crystal."
The Party (Skeksis voices) "MMmmmMMmmm!!"

GM: "I'm trying to think of the word... it's when you compare two people-"
Sparks: "A comparison?"

Sylvie: *throws Sparks into a large trunk*
Sparks: "Ack! Airholes!"
Sylvie: *draws sword and stabs the trunk*

Lily: "You're within earsight."

[HalfTangible]

P1: "Don't you have to say it in rhyme?"
DM: "I'm not a gnome right now, go **** yourself."

[Ralanr]

"We need a crew name. Every good pirate crew has a fearsome name."

"How about Amber Alert?"

[DigoDragon]

"How about Amber Alert?"

Oh, that's not the direction you want to go. XD


Lily: "It was an island in the Caribbean, but I forgot the name."
Sylvie: "Well let's throw out some names; Haiti? Cuba?"
Sparks: "Key Largo, Montego, oh I want to take you, to Bermuda, Bahamas, come on pretty mama..."

Sparks: *mimes using a spyglass*
GM: "Do you have a spyglass?"
Sparks: "No, I'm just standing on the bow doing this." *mimes using a spyglass*

First Officer: "Dive! dive! All dive!"
Beau: "This is not that kind of ship!"

Sparks: "Ground! solid ground!" (*kiss*) "Blech! Ptooie! Sand! Awful beach sand!"

Beau: "Move my miniature up 20 feet."
Sparks: "5 10 15 20 25 30 35 40 45 50 Stop!"
GM: "??"
Sparks: "Apples peaches pumpkin pie, if you're not ready, holler aye!"

Sally: "Sing sing sing to give a Sneak bonus!"

Sparks: "I step to the side because I'm cowardly brave."

GM: "You find inside that barrel are jars of honey."
Sparks: "Honey! Do do doot do doot do-"
The Party: "Aw sugar, sugar! Do do doot do doot do!"

Beau: "What's in this box?"
GM: "You find salted and dried meat, but it looks and smells unusual. Make a Knowledge Nature check."
Beau: *rolls a 17*
GM: "This jerky is dried Merfolk."
Beau: "Ewww..."
Sparks: "Ah, the other white meat."

Sparks: "I cast Resistance."
Beau: "OHMmmm..."

Beau: "I cast Eldritch Blast at the chest lock."
GM: "Your blast gets within inches on the lock and... stops. It stays held here."
Sylvie: "Kylo Ren is in there."
GM: "The spell is absorbed, and you think the chest got just a tiny bit bigger."
Sylvie: "Kylo Ren's ego is in there."

[Rater202]

"Don't woo-wey, Senko-tan. Menko onee-sama will pwotec you until you're big again."

"...You know that this is only skin deep, right? This goes away the second I reabsorb that blob of flesh."

"Please let me have this."

[Amidus Drexel]

"What's the point in trapping office supplies?"

DM: "You're not sure if it's the lack of duck sausage, but he's hard to keep on your shoulders. Maybe he's too sweaty."
Paladin: "This is why I wear armor."
Monk: "I like my robes; they double as pajamas."

Assassin: "Are the ropes taut?"
Monk: "But who is the teacher?"

DM: "<paladin> make your 'disarm desk' roll."
Paladin: "Oooooone axe attack!"

DM: "He has a box with his earthly possessions."
Monk: "That means his underwear!"

Monk: "Please keep the fire away from any forbidden books you find."

--
Warlock: "Is it the gnome from the magic shop?"
DM: "It might be."
Warlock: "We're leaving him here."

Ranger: *knocks on door* "Hello fellow youths."
Warlock: "I am also a child."

Warlock: "I'm not responsible if they have weapons and something happens."
Assassin: "You could've stopped at 'responsible'."

Warlock: "Is it really killing a kid if you're also a kid?"
DM: "...yes."

Ranger: *natural 3*
DM: "You're absolutely certain that this door is trapped."

Warlock: "Well, we can burn the door, blow it down, or break through and kill everyone."
Ranger: "Oh, well, we wouldn't want to burn it or blow it down."
Warlock: "Think of the property damage!"

Ranger: "It's like ripping off the bandage from the wound."
Warlock: "3, 2, rock, paper, scissors!"
Both, simultaneously: "Rock!"
DM: "Okay, do it again."
Both, simultaneously: "Rock!"
DM: "Alright, both of you roll a d20."

Ranger: "I'm gonna roll in the door with like, a bandolier of sausage."

Assassin: "The warmer they are, the less guilty you feel about stealing their stuff."
Warlock: "If you set them on fire, they're always warm!"

Warlock: "I'd feel bad if I killed more parents."
Assassin: "I wouldn't."
Warlock: "Okay, I wouldn't either. I'm just saying that to make the bard feel better."

Assassin: "It's nice for the arson to be intentional for once."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "It appears the pier appeared through peer pressure."

GM: "Fine, so his hair clenches."

GM: "The City of Brass is run by evil genies."
Sparks: "Demand Ifrit and fair elections!"

Beau: "A pity that the door couldn't open the chest."

GM: "Beau, are you up in the crow's nest?"
Beau: "I am, yes."
GM: "Make a Spot check."
Beau: "That won't end well."
Sylvie: "Then why are you up there?"
d20 roll: *1*
Sylvie: "WHY ARE YOU UP THERE?"

Beau: "Can we sail around the water spout without, like, sailing too far out?"
Captain: "So get close, but not too close?"
Beau: "Yeah, no... I don't know, sail casual."

Captain: "How close should we get?"
Sylvie: "Keep going until you hear screaming."

GM: "It's a large, baggy ball made of what feels like silk and scaly leather."
Sparks: "...mom?"

Sparks: "I think I found Mordenkainen's beanbag chair."

Cloud Giant: "I have a few open spots that the prisoner could fill."
Sparks: "Uh, phrasing!"

Sparks: "He asked us to come back when we're tastier... oh wait, wrong translation. Come back when we're more experienced."

[Coventry]

Sparks: "He asked us to come back when we're tastier... oh wait, wrong translation. Come back when we're more experienced."

No .... I'm pretty sure the first translation was the correct one ...

[Leon]

Sorcerer: Do you have the Heart
NPC: What Heart?
Sorcerer: Err, the Jar. The jar i gave you

[AdmiralCheez]

"I'm guessing you've never encountered the murderous robots before."
"I'm an octopus with a TV show, what do you think?"

[HalfTangible]

>2 hours into a 3 hour session
DM: "... Wait. You're naked?"

[PhoenixPhyre]

From last night:

Bard: I went from slut to dignitary over the course of an evening.
DM (to player, OOC): This is the only one who is fighting, that one is a turtle.
Warlock/Fighter: I get my sword out just in case the turtle gets aggressive.

[HalfTangible]

Not quite a quote, but:

My paladin is fighting side-by-side with a succubus. No, he is not about to fall; I checked to make sure.

[Necroticplague]

“So, long story short, I managed to ingratiate myself as a nigh-messianic figure by creating the most over-the-top pimp hat my mind could conjure.”

[TheTeaMustFlow]

(Party comes into dark room full of weapons)
Lobachevsky: I feel like I’m back in Russia already.
Kindly old woman appearing from behind a stack of grenades: Hello dearies, what can I get for you?
Lobachevsky: See? Babushka.

Armitage: That encounter perfectly showcases what our characters will be doing in the campaign – I’ll be shooting things, Raj will be telling me what to shoot, Lobachevsky will be dealing with the things I can’t shoot, and the Doc won’t be there half the time!

[HalfTangible]

Ledaal Zealot wife: "Every three anathema [that you kill] you get a 'adventure' pass where I'll agree to do one thing you suggest. Threesome being an example"
Player (OOC): "The anathema shall quake in fear, knowing that [Fire Aspect Playboy's] lust is coming for them!!"
LZW (OOC): "Ha. "SHE SAID SHE'D WEAR THE MAID OUTFIT IF I TOOK YOU *******S DOWN"!"

-

"[we're dynasts,] we have servants for this!! Give her to the nurse before you do some real damage!"
"... But I always wanted to hold my kids... be there for them, ya know?"
"And that's very sweet but you're holding her upside down!"

-

Cynis player: "Yes, it was fun even if the relationship had little drama."
Peleps player: "Surpisingly, sometimes two characters are banging because they like each other."
C: "The horror."

[Reathin]

DM: "As Saber unleashes his Noble Phantasm, you find that there is no point in space inside the circus tent that is not presently also a sword"

DM: "Your train plows threw the no-longer-too-narrow ally behind the farmer's market, through the portal, and the front end smacks the Kraken head on."

DM: "As you stab Helen of Troy with the the Spear of Longinus, something strange happens..."

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "I am looking for... what am I looking for?"
Sparks: "A way out?"
Beau: "I have to get out of here first."

GM: "Well that'll make an English professor throw themselves off a roof."

GM: "Roll Performance."
Sally: (*rolls a 1*) "Baby Shark, doot do doot doot."

Sally: "So how is it?"
Sparks: "Like a salad stuffed into a water balloon."

Beau: "My problem is dealing with the Impetus from a sudden stop."
Sylvie: "There's a pill for that."

GM: "You have two nights covered at the INN, courtesy of the King's Hand."
Sparks: "Where's the rest of the king?"

Beau: "Stupid question."
The King's Hand: "No such thing."
Beau: "How many licks did it take you to get to the center of that Tootsie pop?"
The King's Hand: "One such thing."

Lily: "I was a half-elf, yes, but I was resurrected as a full elf."
Beau: "He needed all the elf she could get."

[Sharur]

"Tasha, you maleficent bitch, I've read your book! Now, shut up!" (cast's silence)

[Corey]

"With your skills and luck, you note that the scrolls and potions are labelled."

[Milodiah]

"Look, I said that not everyone needs a Necklace of Fireballs. I didn't say that people don't have a Constitutional right to own a Necklace of Fireballs."

[KorvinStarmast]

From a few weeks back ... speaking of necklace of fireballs ...

* P1 "Before you toss that bead from the necklace, know that my scorched backside will skewer you as soon as this battle is over"
** P2 "And I'll hold you down while he hits you"

[SMWallace]

From a Dragon Ball campaign I'm in:

Harp: "Why would any boy have a crush on me? People have crushes on people they think are cute. I'm a weird hairless demon monster with antennae and exposed muscles. I'm basically a pair of horns away from being an amalgamation of human nightmares."
Idna: "You still haven't found the Internet, huh?"

Harp: "Okay, Mun Yun, you watch the kids, make sure they stay safe. Idna, you watch Mun Yun, make sure he stays safe."
Mun Yun: "Alri- hey wait a minute!"

Harp: "Do your best at carpentry, Mun Yun! When I'm rich and famous, you can build my retirement mansion!"

Harp: "Boys can like boys!? This explains everything! You two must like each other! That's why you act so weird and passive-aggressive when we all hang out - I'm getting in the way of you two spending time together! I'm so sorry!"
Ulu and Eriac, both with very obvious crushes on Harp: bewildered sputtering
Idna: "I thought you were the observant one."

Harp: "Will you be my daddy?"
Master Lo Rao: horrified "Where did you get such ideas!?"
Harp: devastated "I understand... I can't imagine you'd want to adopt me after what my Mom did..." leaves
Lo Rao: "Adopt? Oh, crap. Harp, wait!"

Harp: "Can you tell me more stories, Papa?"
Lo Rao: "Honestly most of them have the same structure. Somebody does something dumb, and everyone dies at the end."
Harp: "Except you!"
Lo Rao: "... Yeah."

[ShadowFighter15]

It's rare I have something to contribute, purely due to my inability to find a campaign, but here's one from a now-dead Exalted campaign.

Princess Cao Lai: "I've as much desire to get the Mask of Winters involved in this as I do slathering myself in sauce and presenting myself to the nearest hungry Tyrant Lizard."

[KorvinStarmast]

Princess Cao Lai: "I've as much desire to get the Mask of Winters involved in this as I do slathering myself in sauce and presenting myself to the nearest hungry Tyrant Lizard." Sounds like a fun date, potentially. :smallcool:

[ShadowFighter15]

Sounds like a fun date, potentially. :smallcool:

I mean it would've been the setup for a perfect callback if, later in the campaign, her Lunar Mate had turned out to be one with a Tyrant Lizard for their spirit shape. Or the Storyteller threw a regular Tyrant Lizard at us.

Think an especially-large T-Rex and you're most of the way there.

[LecternOfJasper]

"Ooh, check this out. I'm gonna give up my ability to see walls."

[Milodiah]

"Ooh, check this out. I'm gonna give up my ability to see walls."

"I've got a racial trait that lets me see around corners. And I also have this big ass gun that can blast through pretty much anything. I call myself 'Hypotenuse Man'."

[LecternOfJasper]

"I've got a racial trait that lets me see around corners. And I also have this big ass gun that can blast through pretty much anything. I call myself 'Hypotenuse Man'."

Hey, that's pretty good! If only the monk had something like that, but alas, many a nose shall be broken.

[NRSASD]

"Tell us about your innards!"


"For now, the babies will live."


Motto of the Anti-Post Office: "Rain or Shine, we will stop them."


"Hi, I'm... Clive."
"Insight, 17!"
"He's not Clive."

[Diachronos]

Rogue: -trying to stab between Bard's legs- Nat 1!
Bard: Ya gonna eat a coin for that roll?
Rogue: I don't have any left! You should've resisted me!

"The way I run prestidigitation is that the caster can roll to target where the dirt goes."
"Put it back in him!"

"You guys are gambling with the fabric reality. Over pie."

"Oh my god, it's a Rogue that Rogues!"

"Depends on where the cream is coming from and how hard you're whipping it."

"You ate her pie. That's on you."

"That's what I'm gonna do. I don't have any weapons so I'm gonna eat the pies."

DM: You get an ominous feeling that someone, somewhere, hates you.
Rogue: No, that's everyone.

"No! I'm eating them in your body!"

DM: Just before your souls switch bodies, you vomit up all the pie. It kinda coalesces, almost like it's sentient, and jist dives into a sewer grate.
Necromancer: *head in hands* Not this again...

"I paid people to fight pies."

[Ferreon]

Have some quotes, with the absolute minimum of context


DM: "Well, that guy looks like he has had significantly better days."
Druid: "He probably has, I mean how good a day would you be having if a leopard bounced up onto a balcony, growled and then four stars slapped you in the face?!"



"No it can roar, it doesn't have muscles either but it can still move, if whatever magic is animating it can allow it to move it can allow it to roar too. It's already got tiny ass arms, don't take away it's roar too!"


"It's not quite as rudely interrupted as smashing into a Space Hulk."


"It's like condom theory, but with added angry badger"


Imperial Guard officer: "The Lord Commander was shot at from an elevated position."
Owain: "Yilani, was it you?"
Yilani "Don't be stupid, I don't miss"
*confused Imperial Guard officer*


"It's got a hole, it's got tentacles, what more could a dwarf ask for?" "The dwarf is still on his leash, right?"


"I am indeed going back to fisting this Great Unclean One"


"WE ARE NOT playing volleyball with a Nemesis Dreadknight"
"Not with that attitude we're not!"


"I slap him, I fix him up whilst muttering that Sanguinius would be ashamed of this, then I slap him again"

[SunsetWaraxe]

"Badgers are people!"

[Milodiah]

"I s**t you not, at character creation I was torn between alcoholism or a phobia of bees as my last negative quality. I'm glad to see alcoholism was once again the right choice."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Did the pirate ship really need ground effects?"

GM: "The ballista has been mounted to the front of the ship."
Beau: "It's a prow moment."

Sparks: "That's why it's not called a 'Susan Screw-it I'll Find It Later Sachel'."

LGM: "The couatl has chosen!"

Sparks: "Oh, it's New Bond Plus. Gold Bond."
Lily: "It isn't foot powder."

GM: "He looks like a Klingon who was told to hold fire."

Lily: "The dragon! She's gone from suck to blow!"

[Diachronos]

"Without the pies, we had no way to save you from the pie."

"Why does the pie have darkvision?!"

"If I eat Tim, does that give me a pie roll?"

"God dammit Frank, you ate the pie, didn't you?"

"Can the pie eat pie?"
"Yes, you can pi square it."

"I only have one more HP than the pies?!"

[Telok]

"If we reincarnate him as a badger he'll be a better fighter and less of a liability in social stuff."

"We'll have the wildmage read the scroll. He's got the rerolls and force max result things for random effects."

"Lets end the session here. I have to dig through the monster books to find something suitably weird to reincarnate him as."

[PhoenixPhyre]

Paraphrased lightly:

(Paladin): I run in, taunt the boingies so they'll chase me, and then run out.

Proteans (mutation based character): make sure you stand aside so I don't spit acid all over you.

All: make sure to shoot the chest first

Proteans, OOC: there's a lot of fun in getting hurt sometimes.

[KorvinStarmast]

*I feel like Vampires are not good for our health*
Yes, we are playing in Curse of Strahd, and the sorcerer said that

[Joe the Rat]

"How do I non-lethally shoot someone in the head?"

[HalfTangible]

"How do I non-lethally shoot someone in the head?"

By being a terrible shot

[KorvinStarmast]

By being a terrible shot Or a really, really good shot. :smallwink: (It's just a flesh wound, or, William Tell caliber of accuracy and precision)

[DigoDragon]

GM: "A lightning bolt comes down on-"
Lily: "Let me guess; me again?"
GM: "No, it hits Crit this time."
Lily: "Why Crit?"
GM: "He's a big hobgob with a two-handed choppy-chop."
Lily: "So why was I hit last round?"
Sparks: "You were the big threat last round. This round it's Crit. You've been demoted to second place."
Lily: "Should I feel insulted?"
Sparks: "Better than feeling shocked."
Beau: "Yeah, current events are in your favor."
GM: *groan*

Beau: "What do you mean you want me to hang off the side of the ship, holding everyone's pants to the sea?"
Sparks: "Just let me cast Prestidigitation. It's OSHA compliant."

Sparks: "Congrats, you just chummed the waters."
Beau: "I had thought those sharks were getting buddy-buddy with us."
GM: *groans*

Lily: "Sylvie is a cleric."
Sparks: "Half cleric. She multi-classes."
Beau: "So Cleric light? Half the calories of most religions?"

[PhoenixPhyre]

Lily: "Should I feel insulted?"
Sparks: "Better than feeling shocked."
Beau: "Yeah, current events are in your favor."
GM: *groan*


The jokes have potential.

Paladin (oath of the watchers): I use divine sense to see if this is the aberration.
DM: (Jedi hand wave) this is the aberration you are looking for.

[HalfTangible]

P1: "There was a time in Risa's life where she figured whatever man she got with (assuming she did at all) would be taller than her. Then she hit 6' and kept going [another 7 inches]."

--

P1 (Risa's player): "... i blame you guys for the fact I have a better idea of Risa's thoughts on romance than her military career"
GM: "good"

--

"You... want me to set myself on fire?"
"Metaphorically, of course."
"........... I have no idea what that expression could possibly mean."
"He wants to hook up your power coupling."
"... I don't have a lot of electrical devices to plug in?"
"Force preserve me... he'd go spelunking in your sarlacc pit?"
"What kind of psychotic moron owns a sarlacc pit?"
"Do battle with the fearsome krayt dragon within your cave of wonders!!"
"Owning a krayt dragon is only slightly less stupid than owning a sarlacc."
"*sigh* Hang on, I need to come up with some other metaphors..."



"... you know he meant sex, right?"
"It pains me you feel the need to ask."

--

Risa: torn between letting Myr know she's joking because she's his friend and doesn't want him to embarass himself... or letting him awkwardly try to explain [sex] because she's his friend and wants to see him embarass himself

[PhoenixPhyre]

Another one from last night's game:

DM: Something smells wrong here. Like...if "2 + 2 = 12 and at the same time apple pie" had a smell, that's what this would smell like.

Tabaxi Wizard: As the shaman is distracted, I stab the totem into the zit and say "Grandmothercallsonthespiritsforhelp"
DM: As you do so, several things happen. First, you're covered in a shower of noxious-smelling pus. Don't do the cat thing and lick yourself clean. Second, there's an earthquake. Everyone make a DEX save. Third, the Beast screams.

[KorvinStarmast]

Tabaxi Wizard: As the shaman is distracted, I stab the totem into the zit and say "Grandmothercallsonthespiritsforhelp" Right before he did that I was digging into my backpack (mentally) and wondering if alchemist's fire was the equivalent of benzoyl peroxide (https://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-1344/benzoyl-peroxide-topical/details).

[Xervous]

“Soric wants to find the easiest way to blow the place up and kill everyone in it“

Me as the GM supplying the padme panel from the associated meme “While you’re a safe distance away right?”

[Ferreon]

"The Noise Marine pot just killed the monk"

[DigoDragon]

The jokes have potential.

Our GM feels they're polarized. ^^



P1: "There was a time in Risa's life where she figured whatever man she got with (assuming she did at all) would be taller than her. Then she hit 6' and kept going [another 7 inches]."

On the plus side, the pool of shorter men has got a wider selection to pick from!



DM: Something smells wrong here. Like...if "2 + 2 = 12 and at the same time apple pie" had a smell, that's what this would smell like.

I'm more concerned about the pie in that scent equation.



Me as the GM supplying the padme panel from the associated meme “While you’re a safe distance away right?”

Asking the important question here!


Sparks: "Next level I'll be able to summon a wall of ponies."

[Xervous]

Asking the important question here!



I’ll just say the next player answered with the Gru’s Plan template. We’ll see what happens tonight.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Our GM feels they're polarized. ^^


I hope you're not all negative about this. Because that would be repulsive.
Ok, I'll stop now. Here, at least.



I'm more concerned about the pie in that scent equation.


Yeah, you wouldn't want apple pie that smelled like this did. Note--the source of the smell was that aforementioned "zit". Which was the size of a basketball and growing out of the ground.

Oh, and 2 + 2 = cherry pie, not apple pie. :smallwink:

[HalfTangible]

On the plus side, the pool of shorter men has got a wider selection to pick from!

She's in a relationship with a 5'6" Miraluka now.

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: "I know that we can see out of Leomund's Tiny Hut, but can I pee out of Leomund's Tiny Hut?"
Pee isn't magical, and it was inside the Barb who was inside the hut when the Warlock erected it (ritual) so out it went the pee. Creatures and objects within the dome when you cast this spell can move through it freely. All other creatures and objects are barred from passing through it. Spells and other magical effects can’t extend through the dome or be cast through it. The atmosphere inside the space is comfortable and dry, regardless of the weather outside.

[Telok]

"Thats not blood, its manliness."
"Well you lost a lot of it Mr. Eunuch."

[DigoDragon]

Crit: "You, stop!"
Lily: "Hammer time!"
Party: *beatboxes Can't Touch This*

Sparks: "I've never seen a galleon do a boot-legger turn. My stomach has regrets."

Sylvie: "What's your problem with Thor?"
Beau: "Well for starters, your donkey's an ass."

Sparks: "Lily, what size bodice do you wear?"
Lily: "I have no idea. I'm more a shirt-and-chainmail kind of lady."
Beau: "You really should stay abreast of these things."

Sparks: "Uuuugh... the sun is too loud."
Crit: "Lily, you got anything for the kobold's hangover?"
Lily: "No, he should learn from this experience."
Sparks: "And why does the moon have a smell?"

Beau: "That raven, a creature without fingers, just gave me the bird."

GM: "Imagine if a dwarf fell in love with a forest."
Sparks: "Heart of the what now?"

Sylvie: "Is that a naturegasm?"

GM: "You can feel her power flow through you."
Beau: *farts*
GM: "Not like that!"

[Morgaln]

Technomage: I boost myself using the damage I just received.
GM: Alright, that's a +2. Name your boost.
Technomage: I need to name it? I forgot about that. Oh God...
GM: Oh God it is. Here's your reminder flashcard.


Flicker: I pop off Buzz Lightyear's head and press the panic button


Shilo: How badly did the grenades damage that plane?
GM: There's some damage to the undercarriage, but it could still fly fine.
Shilo: I start it and run it into those grenadiers propeller first
GM: Uh,I guess that counts as an attack...
Shilo: You shouldn't have shot my drones.


Flicker: So you're an alien? From another planet?
Ssshiosh: Yes, I am.
Flicker: So how do we know you're not here to try and conquer us?
Ssshiosh: We have no interest in conquering a backwards place like Earth.
GM: Note how he's not exactly denying that his species does conquer other planets...

[KorvinStarmast]

Bard: "Why are you trying to pour that rock out of that bottle?"
Warlock: "Might be a dao larva"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "My brain itches."

Sparks: "I tap the nearest party member that's a responsible adult."
Party: *everyone looks at Lily*
Lily: "What?"

Cobbler: "Here, try this."
Sparks: "What is it?"
Cobbler: "Footwear"
Sparks: "It's what?"

Sparks: "My INT is an 18, but I have the WIS of a mustard sandwich."

Drow: "I'm assigned to you. If you go to jail, I have to go to jail."

Guard: "If you go in there, you will have a brief trial followed by a swift execution."
Beau: "The trial is a nice touch."
Sparks: "But why the kangaroos in the jury box?"

Beau: "I cast Detect Magic. Any auras?"
GM: "Like on the bridge of the J.J. Abrams' Enterprise."

Beau: "And Lady of the Wood had a completely different meaning in my mind."
Sparks: "I wasn't thinking that, but thanks for the free ride I guess?"

Lily: "Sweetums is the librarian here."

Sparks: "How are you so young-looking?"
Beau: "Well, I crossed paths with **** Clark on New Years a few decades back and..."

Court Wizard: "You're hear to see the Oracle?"
Beau: "That or a DB2."

Lily: "How do you spell that?"
GM: "K, E, O... phlegm"

[KorvinStarmast]

NPC Cultist: "Which ritual did your parents do?"
Tiefling PC: "The bedroom one"

[Telok]

Dm: Well that was weird.
Player: That we talked to someone instead of mindlessly slaughtering everything that moved?
Dm: Yeah. Surreal even.


"Lets drop a giant goat on them as we fly past."

[Telok]

Quiet thread...

"Great, we've graduated from killing rats in a basement for healing potions to killing demons in a basement for bigger healing potions. This is high level stuff, yay?"

Player: "Has anything we fought in the last six sessions had less than a hundred hit points?"
DM: "Uh... There was a caster last week, but you guys talked instead of just killing everything."
Other player: "Suddenly having triple the damage output and twice the hit points in this edition seem much less impressive."

[KorvinStarmast]

Dragon Knight: "I tell her I'm lost" (on the second floor of a building, Deception attempt)

Paladin: "She's coming back to the office? I'm out the window!"

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "You can lead a duck to water, but you can't prove she's a witch."

[somerando]

Eeks: "Every day I don't have to use my hands is a good day."

[Telok]

H:"Never get out of the boat."
Dm:"Say what?"
H:"Nothing bad ever happens to me in the boat. Never get out of the boat."
S:"Apocalypse Now."
Dm:"Are you sure you want to do that?"
H:"Yeah. I saw the movie, I'm cool."

"I wonder if pantsing the barbarian counts for keeping his rage up."

"We can't burn it down until we pillage. Pillage, then burn. We need to keep going until we get to loot."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "I like my rollercoasters how I like my women."

GM: "He's tiny. Like, no bigger than a Terrier."
Beau: "I'll call him, Ishmall."

Lily: "It's like a healthier version of Cheetos."
Sparks: "Everything is a healthier version of Cheetos."

GM: "You are somewhere between coal and uranium."

Rand: "You know you have another resource, right?"
Beau: "Oh yeah! I should pull him out."
Rand: "I'll pull mine out too."
Sparks: "Please! There are ladies present!"

Correllon Hotline: "...for clerical services, press 4..."

Lily: "Did you just release a devil?"
Sparks: "Uh... yes?"
Lily: "Into your service?"
Sparks: "Um, also yes..."
Lily: "And you did this why?"
Sparks: "Well I didn't see any of you lot stopping me."

GM: "You are all like Animal Control; you collect all the strays."

Sparks: "Dribblin the Nose is totally a mammal's name."

Sparks: "She's fine. Just tired, hungry, her kobold companion is marked for death..."

Sylvie: "You put a devil in a Hawaiian shirt and straw hat?"
Sparks: "It's a disguise."
Sylvie: "Where are his pants?"
Sparks: "...oh, right."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "We asked for an ace, and got a pair of instruction cards to play bridge."

GM: "What is the creature with the hyena face?"
Beau: "Kobold."
Sparks: "What? You mean gnoll, right?"
GM: "That's the one."
Beau: "Ah. They started with the same letter."
GM: "Okay, but I wanted the... wait. No they don't."
Sparks: "Rerolled that Insight check, did you?"

Crit: "He's using Cookie-Cutter logic; all edge and no point."

GM: "Rand is going to... shhhh..."
Beau: "-hit a brick?"

Sparks: "He's exercising at the He's Dead Gym."

Lily: "What do we do with the eggs?"
Sparks: "We can sell them for money."
Beau: "Could we give them to the centaurs?"
Rand: "The centaurs would destroy them."
Sparks: "We can sell them for money."

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: I'll have an ale, and I'll buy her an ale, she's been through a lot
DM: After she chugs down two ales she looks at you and says "Do they have anything stronger?"
Paladin: I order two shots of whisky
DM: It's rotgut.
Paladin: We'll do boilermakers, then. Drop shots into ale and chug ale
-------time passes---------
DM: she's a weepy drunk
Paladin: I'll put my arm around her and let her cry on my shoulder.

[animorte]

DM: I need you all in that area to make a Con save.
Bard: 16
Cleric: 19
Warlock: 14
DM: And your Imp?
Warlock: Umm... that's an 11
DM: Everybody saves except the Imp
Warlock: Is it still invisible?
DM: It is not.
Warlock: Oh, because it's hard.
DM: Yes...
...
...
...
DM: ...it is petrified.

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: Life is short, death is sure.
Rogue: Are we on a suicide mission here, or are you trying to cheer me up?
Warlock: Trying to make you feel better about the life drain that Wight did to you.
Rogue: You are not cheering me up.

[HalfTangible]

P1: P2 does like to smash things.
P2 (his captain): ....... 40 push ups.
P1 (was mauled by a bear earlier in this scene):Worth it.

P3: "[P3's] a bit of a whore."
P1: "P1 will be happy to hear that."
GM: "P1: you like penis? Me too! Uh, i mean-"

P1: "Uh, so, P3, that guy that's been staring at you... do you know him?"
P3: "Absolutely not, never seen him before in my life."
(P3 earlier promised this guy sex if he helped her find her stolen gauntlets)

P1: "P1's surrounded by anime girls."
GM: "P1 has struck out of every conservation he's been in."
P1: "I know, it's hilarious!"

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: you see an imp, in the form of a parrot, fly overhead and sit on the branch of a tree.
Paladin: I start walking toward the tree. This imp treegz me.
Party: groan

----------------
later
---------------

P1: (preparing to bathe) P2, {tabaxi} you keep watch; you can just lick yourself clean.
covered in gore after a battle, looking for a place to clean up:

[Telok]

"Lets just charge in and kill everything. Be nice to the DM this time."

P1: "I cast Speak with the Dead on the ex-T.Rex and say 'whose a good widdle dino? are you a good widdle dino? you are arent you? would the good widdle dino like a snack dwarf?'"
P2: "I am so glad he can't reanimate that thing."

P3: "It's 15 thousand gold!"
P4: "Well what else are you going to do with it?"
P3: "Buy all the whorehouses in the city."

[KorvinStarmast]

P3: "It's 15 thousand gold!"
P4: "Well what else are you going to do with it?"
P3: "Buy all the whorehouses in the city." We spent all of our gold houses on ale houses and ...

[NRSASD]

DM: Ummmm... does anyone have an intelligence modifier?
Lizardfolk monk: Does -2 count as a modifier?

[Telok]

Dm: You three, int saves.
Barb rolls d20->1-1=0
Dm: Thats so bad there ought to be some sort of extra effect.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Dm: You three, int saves.
Barb rolls d20->1-1=0
Dm: Thats so bad there ought to be some sort of extra effect.

I had a series of enemies roll negative values for saves. When you have a -5 to Dex mod and no proficiency...

[NRSASD]

I had a series of enemies roll negative values for saves. When you have a -5 to Dex mod and no proficiency...

How did you have a -5 DEX mod? Was your character part-avocado?

[PhoenixPhyre]

How did you have a -5 DEX mod? Was your character part-avocado?

Homebrew monster...or more specifically its root tentacles. It was a single enormous (roughly 200' diameter) underground plant-creature that only interacted via tentacles and a "head". So the tentacles (vines/roots) basically had natural armor, but were utter crap at dodging (a Dex score of 1). They could tunnel (had a burrow speed), but only between certain spots on the map. Strong as heck, but not nimble. And independently killable.

It made a lot more sense to model this thing as a bunch of creatures operating roughly independently (on their own initiatives): 10-ish tentacles and a head. The head had a lightning-based beam weapon and a nasty bite, the tentacles could grab and throw or slam, all with a huge reach (15' for the tentacles, 20' for the head).

[Ferreon]

"Ah, we *are* taking the tooth decay route, ok then."

[NRSASD]

@PhoenixPhyre- ah, makes sense. That’s pretty cool! It’s how I handle krakens generally.

PC 1: If we let it out, it will eat the town!
Rest of the Party: *shrugs*
PC 1: We're still in the town!

"Be wary, for the night is dark and full of tape worms."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Anything you're thinking about?"
Beau: "No, nothing comes to mind."
Sparks: "Anything you're over-thinking about?"
Beau: "Oh yes, I have a list."

Lily: "I sing like a log."

Sparks: "Mmm, smote salmon."

Slithis: "Did you not see the size of that thing?!"
Beau: "No, could you describe it?"
Slithis: "It was big! No, bigger than that. Bigger! Look, it was wearing a kraken and a dreadnaught as earrings!"

[NRSASD]

Lich: Oh, it's just a kenku. What are you doing down here little bird? Looking for a place to build your nest?
Kenku (in hodgepodge of voices): Inside your ribcage *raises dagger

[Telok]

P1: "I'm sneaking just ahead of the light."
P2: "So you're saying you're back lit?"
P1: "Oops."
DM: "And you rolled a 3. The giants are all looking at you when you stroll into the room.

[PhoenixPhyre]

The party, in unison to an irate adult green dragon: "you're a big sexy beast."
The dragon, after a moment of stunned silence: Ok, now I believe you that you must have met me in the future.

[NRSASD]

We suspected the shopkeeper was the villain

Wildfire Druid, playing it casual, to the shopkeeper: "Hello sir, we're looking for some matches."
Battlemaster Fighter, interrupting: "Someone who matches your description!"
Tackles shopkeeper

Divination Wizard: "If you're innocent, then why did you run?"
Suspect: looks around shiftily "... for the drama."

Divination Wizard: "We can't just let you go immediately, so we're going to leave you here tied up. And you aren't going to call for help. Do you know why?"
Suspect: "No, why?"
Divination Wizard: "... for the drama."
Suspect: thinks about this for a moment, then nods vigorously

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "We told the clerics to take the drum and beat it."
GM: "Ugh, don't go there..."
Beau: "We snared the GM into a bad pun."
Sparks: "I tip my hi-hat to you."

GM: "Imagine Las Vegas, but in the Roman Empire style of debauchery."
Sparks: "That's just the Roman Empire."
GM: "Okay, but like... imagine corruption."
Beau: "Still just the Roman Empire."

Sparks: "When she said 'don't use it lightly', I don't think the druid meant hit the tree."

Sparks: "Bad news. It's turtles all the way down."

Sylvie: "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Lilly: "We're also looking for that golden ring."
Sylvie: "Easy, with me being a thief."
Sparks: "And me being a kobold."

Lilly: "He has a face only a mother could love."
Sparks: "Lies. Mind flayers don't even love their own children."

Crime boss: "I have a proposition for you, if you wish to hear me out."
Lilly: "That phrase never insinuates that we have a choice."
Crime boss: "Well, we could just do this the hard way."
Slithis: "Easy way! Easy way!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin (at the manor of a prominent noble as the gala begins): "I like to watch"

[Laughing Dog]

"You can fly, but you can't hide!"
*in a slightly hushed whisper* "Quickly, reload the ballista before he comes back."

[Diachronos]

"I'm gonna puny god him!"

[Telok]

"90 foot flyby, two hits, and 50 damage a hit. Just damage kill them after the caster and get to the next fight. Five is too many to **** around with saves and talking. It's not like we can find out who or what they are anyways untill I cast Speak With Dead."

"We do too scout. We send in the barbarian and listen for screaming. Its the same result as stealth but without the dead rogue PCs."

"Nah, all the magic items I could spend my money on this edition take months or years to do and we've got a **** *** noble to annihilate. By the time one thing got finished we'd be four levels higher, another 30k richer, and the game would be ending. I'll just buy all the brothels in the city again."

[KorvinStarmast]

"We do too scout. We send in the barbarian and listen for screaming. Its the same result as stealth but without the dead rogue PCs." This looks like an interesting variation on a piece of US Army doctrine that I learned/was taught, called basically "reconnaissance by fire" :smalleek: (And bravo to your group by doing what the group I DM for does so frequently)
Tonight's Immortal Quote (Curse of Strahd campaign)
"It sounded like a good idea, until it wasn't!" :smalleek:

[PhoenixPhyre]

Discord, after a session.

DM: Also, y'all should figure out a group name. Otherwise Servis is going to come up with a name for y'all and he's canonically terrible at naming things. lol He calls the mirror he gave <the cleric> "Good Mirror"
Bard (me): I can just imagine: <talking like to a dog>Who's a good mirror. You're a good mirror, yes you are...</>

[DigoDragon]

Yeah, that wouldn't reflect highly upon the party. :3


Sparks: "Okay, but I still want my devil friend wearing the tux."

Lich: "Ah, a question. Since before the star of your material plane burned, I have awaited a brave soul to come into my domain with their question."
Beau: "Well then why don't you answer it?"
Lich: "Because it is stupid."

[Taevyr]

P1: I want to roll to see if the two darklings have a... "close relationship".

*rolls a 3* DM: "they seem like they're just friends"

P2: I'm still getting a certain vibe, can I roll as well?

*rolls a 6* DM: "They still seem like they're close friends, nothing more"

P3: Welp, guess it's up to me then

*rolls a 16* DM: "They're bro's, they're pretty close, but there don't seem to be any real romantic vibes between them"

All players: "OH, COME ON"


So many "they were roommates" jokes after that.

[somerando]

"Not all beaches are military targets"
-Tazzil

[HalfTangible]

Lich (sending): "I'm back. And you took my things!"
Paladin: "Yes, we did. Suck my ****."

Bloodrager: "We killed some horrible monsters we found in the sewer. A gelatinous thing, and a monster with giant tentacles."
Guard: "WHAT?! You didn't kill the gelatinous cube and the Otyugh?! But those were there to clean out the sewers! We need them there so that we don't get overwhelmed by sewage during the siege!"
Bloodrager: "... oh, we didn't kill those. We found... other abominations." (32 on bluff)

[Telok]

"How about we have the person who didn't dump stat charisma do the lying?"

"Choose your fiction and I'll endorse it."

[Rater202]

"Uncle Cthulhu and Narlythotep-onii-san will be nice to me as long as I don't antagonize them first."

[DigoDragon]

GM: "The elf has an emotional support chicken."
Beau: "What the cluck?"

Sparks: "We know the guy likes to play with his 'toys'."
Beau: "Maybe Sylvie will get lucky and the guy enjoys being dominated?"
Sylvie: "You better be talking about the spell."

Lily: "Your identify spell failed?"
Sparks: "Yes, but at least we now know that the dagger is female."
Lily: "How so?"
Sparks: "She was misidentified."

Beau: "I fire a warning shot..."
*rolls a 20, confirms crit with a 20*
Beau: "...into his face."

Lily: "Oh god."
Ehlonna: "Yes?"

Beau: "So if anyone thinks this is a bad idea-"
Sparks: "Dude, we all know it's a bad idea. We're doing it anyway."

Sparks: "What's her name?"
GM: "Uh... Jem."
Sparks: "That's outrageous."
Lily: "Truly, truly outrageous."

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "I'll check on my crocodile. His name's Mick"
(Not sure if anyone got the reference, TBH)

[Taevyr]

"I finished talking to the kelp, it's probably thataway"

[HalfTangible]

GM: "Look, you guys didn't say you were getting a hotel room with curtains to hide in... ya know what, roll 1d5, on a five it'll have the most luxurious curtains, armoires, beautiful bedsheets oh my god."
P1: (rolled a 5 partway through that declaration)
P2: "No no, keep going, what else does the room have?"

-

P1: "Look, I'm sure whatever this is, we can settle it. What's P4 done?"
(all P4 did since he came into the town was order a fancy wagon)
NPC: "He is charged with HIGH TREASON!!!"
P1: "... come again?"

-

GM: The guards start tearing through the room, looking for P4.
P3: "I'm droppings apples onto the guard's spears as they come in."
GM: "Did you bring some apples from downstairs?"
P3: "I teleport downstairs, grab a bowl of apples, and then teleport back into the rafters to throw the apples onto their spears. Natural 20."

-

P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
Everyone: "WHAT?!"

[KorvinStarmast]

P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
Everyone: "WHAT?!"
This is why we play D&D. This right here. :smallcool: