Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Tohron]

P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
Everyone: "WHAT?!"

Should have applied a bit of Sovereign Glue first.

[KorvinStarmast]

Dwarf Warlock: "Now that I am standing on my head, I find you to be even more beautiful"
Was addressing one of Strahd's minions who was hanging upside down from an archway

[Taevyr]

P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
Everyone: "WHAT?!"

Well, time to watch Pick of Destiny again (https://youtu.be/hvvjiE4AdUI?t=48)

[KorvinStarmast]

P1: "Look out, Kamikaze Toad!"
DM: "The toad goes Boom!
P1: "The far toad or the fart ode? Wait, we don't have a bard in this group, it's the toad!"

P1: "Rubber bands don't come from Crocodiles, usually!"

P3: "Mick is beyond potions, at this point"

P1: "He made a deal with the devil. That always goes well"

P2: (After watching a vision of fiends eating their victims): "Fine Young Cannibals"

P1 sees radiant lightning crackling over the old temple: "Led Zepplin concert, got it"

P4: Stinging Odor? Green Stuff?
P1: "Don't touch the green stuff!"

P1: "Want me to use my mage hand?"
Disembodied voice: "lookin' for love in all the wrong places..."

P1: {in a dragon's lair/tomb} "Soft Boiled Eggs, not an omelette"

P3: "I have Gorilla Hair in my face! Gross!"
P4: "Did the Giant Ape just Teabag him?"
P1: "{P2}, you do not want to be teabagged by Kong!"

There are rumors that rye whiskey was involved in a few of the above utterances ...

[Xihirli]

As they say, multiple birds, big stone. A multi-bird stone.

Minsei? He’s not a pet; he’s a coward.

Dammit, I want a newt head.

You can’t brew potions in the middle of a courtyard! -Guard
That sounds like a limit of YOUR imagination. -Me

I’m like an onion, I make people cry when they cut me open.

They don’t call me a ‘gazer’ for nothin'.

Doesn’t matter what their names are after we take their organs.

When I was little, I was afraid of monks… now I am Monkman!

Careful with that, it’s worth more than your teeth.

That’s why I took up robbery. I couldn’t take up cross country because of my fragile legs. -Daniel

My bad kneecap is now my worse kneecap!

If he doesn’t help us out, we help him out, to the afterlife, like heroes.

That Z? That’s the evil letter. Got a Z in your name? You’re goin down, punk.




There. That's most of them.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Not me, but a player in my campaign who is also a DM for a different campaign, speaking in our discord OOC about that other campaign (where none of us are players):

> Yes. They want to bang a tree. And another is like 'hey can we have sexy zombie art?'
>Me- No guys that is where I put my foot down. No we are not having sexy zombie art.
> I am starting to bring in punishment. Horrible punishment.

[Telok]

"I do so love me some bottomless pits."

"He's not a prisoner! He's my pet turtle now!"

DM: "He declines to take the opportunity attack on the bloodied, unarmored, halfing."
Halfling: "Coward! I'll set you on fire again for that."

[NRSASD]

DM: Oh! You were coated in acid for two rounds but I totally forgot about the damage. You should take 10 damage but since I goofed only take 5.
P1: Huh. Looks like the acid’s PH increases the longer the DM forgets about it.
P2: To be fair, that was a pretty basic mistake.

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Nat 20 on Appraise! ...damn, that was my one good roll. Well, I'm done for the rest of the session."

GM: "You now have a new kobold friend following you."
Sparks: "Ugh, this is why we don't feed the wild animals."
Beau: "Uh hello? Aren't you a kobold?"
Sylvie: "He is, but Sparks is like one of those house trained Pomeranians."
Sparks: "Yeah. ...wait."

Sparks: "If I had a copper piece for every kobold stray I took in, I'd have two copper pieces; which isn't a lot, but it is weird that this has happened twice."

Beau: "I'm naming him Jude."
GM: "Why that name?"
Beau: "So I can say, Hey Jude."
Lily: "Don't make it bad."
Sylvie: "Take a sad song, and make it better."
GM: *banging head against table*

Sparks: "Go down Main Street? It's a halfling village. That's like, the only street they have."

[Telok]

"Guys, could we please stop feeding the dead giant super vampire?"

P1: Now roll a 20.
P2: <roll>...uh...crit.
DM: I hate you.
P3: It's kind of creepy how your dice luck works on roll20 too.

[ArcanaGuy]

Me: "So, they're hoping you'll help them with this."
P1: "What are they going to pay us for this?"
P2: "Aren't you anti-capitalist iRL? Why have you been penny-pinching so hard ever since we set up our own business in game?"
P3: "Everyone's anti-capitalist until they're playing D&D."

Same game:

P2: "OK, let's go talk to them. P1, go talk to them."
P1: "Why am I the one talking to them? I'm an anti-social recluse!"
P3: "Yeah, but you're the only one whose charisma bonus isn't negative."
P1: "And that's how I became the face. This isn't going to end well."

Same game:

P3: "I think it's got fire immunity, P1. Explosions *might not* be the answer here."
P1: "That sounds like quitter talk to me."
(two rounds later)
P1: "See? Explosions are always the answer."

Same game:

P3: "Could you come up with some way for us to trap the ghosts?"
P1: "That's what I was looking into first. But if I don't come up with a way for P2 to bodyslam a ghost first, we'll never hear the end of it."
P2: "Is true! If I don't get a chance to slap a ghost in the face with a fish, we've done something wrong."

[KorvinStarmast]

P2: "Is true! If I don't get a chance to slap a ghost in the face with a fish, we've done something wrong." This is why we play D&D. This, right here. :smallsmile:

[ciopo]

"I cast guidance on the prisoner so he remembers better the info we're asking him about!"

[DigoDragon]

GM: "He's not a... not a familiar small guy..."
Beau: "So a no known gnome?"
Sparks: "Try saying that three times-"
GM: "No."

Beau: "Sparks found a big book by the person who painted all the signs in town."
Sparks: "So that means...?"
Beau: "A tome for your signs."
Librarian: *takes away Beau's library card*

Beau: "Aren't all peacocks drunk?"
Lily: "No, just LOUD."

Sage: "Do you know what you have here?"
Sparks: "If we did, we wouldn't be asking you."

Sparks: "So I stand in the centaur of the battlefield?"

Sylvie: "Everyone who is loud or blind please follow me to the back of the line."

Sparks: (in the distance) "AHHHHH!"
Sylvie: "Welp. Time to go save our nerd."

Lion: *moves 140 feet in one round*
Beau: "What was that?"
Rand: "Space Lion One."
Beau: "It's gone to plaid!"

Sparks: "Not how I expected to die; covered in pine needles, tree sap, and chalk dust."

GM: "The giant misses Crit so badly, his club hits his own foot and shatters."
Beau: "The club or the foot?"
GM: (rolls) "Yes."

Giant: "Did his armor just flip me off?"

[KorvinStarmast]

P1: I need you all to meet me at the One Eyed Eagle Tavern.
P2: Sure, but first we need to fly over the city at low level on the back of P3's dragon.
P3 to P2: Here ya go, get on. (helps P2 up)
P1: OK, we'll walk there along the south side of the river, see you before nightfall -
P4: Has P3 been drinking?
P3: Yes I have! A bit more than usual.
P2: Me too! (giggles)
P1: What could possibly go wrong?
P4: Pretty much everything

[NRSASD]

P1: "I have come to see the babies"

P2: "The Queen wants this cannon on the dance floor! You wouldn't deny the Queen, would you?"

P3: "Stabbing people who are much more powerful than they appear to be MOST DEFINITELY does NOT run in our family."

DM's Wife: Oh dear. Are they heading towards another TPK?
DM: Seems likely.
DM's Wife: Make sure to get P1 this time. He's had it too good for too long. Living

[thorr-kan]

DM's Wife: Oh dear. Are they heading towards another TPK?
DM: Seems likely.
DM's Wife: Make sure to get P1 this time. He's had it too good for too long. Living
Oh, I like your DM's Wife.

My Owner doesn't RPG, but she knows the tune. When we host, she keeps tabs on the goings-on and is always ready to drop the snark at the expense of our friends.

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "You are not surrounded by this cloud of exploding mosquitoes."

[Kalaska'Agathas]

The Bard, realizing that he has something for this*: "Dooooon't hear that sound//Oh, oh, ohhhhhh//There's a Banshee around//Oh, oh, Ohhhhhhhhh!"

The Bard's Player, out of character: "Since I won Initiative, I use Countersong, with a Perform check of...[rolls]...nice, 41."

* Sung to the tune of Falco's "Der Kommissar" (https://youtu.be/8-bgiiTxhzM)

[Heavenblade]

"You!
You are from the water tribe!
What do you know about fancy fish?" (First words spoken between two characters who are on their way to become a power duo)

"You realize that the statue is, in fact, a statue" (me to a player who got snake eyes with a -1 on assess a situation)

"Are you stupid or just dumb?" (Street urchin to one of the vharacters)

Quotes from our brand new legends of the elements campagin

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "I'm not going to tell the wizard (tabaxi) about the catnip...yet"

[NRSASD]

P1: The lowly Swiss mustache can never compare to the superior French mustache!

P3: I'm snuggling up against the corpse of Snow White and am trying to use her as cover.

[Amidus Drexel]

P1: Uh, P2 tried to put out the sun, so now we have to fight some orcs.
P2: They were heretical, so I had to be sure.

[vasilidor]

The dragon breathes spiders.

[HalfTangible]

>The police botch their investigation roll
"... Well, boss, this is definitely an apartment!"
"Are we sure it's not a townhouse?"
"I thought it was a condo..."
"That's because you hit your head as a baby, Urias."

[Telok]

P1: I heal the shield guardian.
Group: ???!!!
P1: He's an investment anyone can use. The rest of you can be rezzed.

[Lord Torath]

"You can have the wraith go fight the thing that's in the bathroom. The Excremental."

"And now my fireplace is laughing."

[PhoenixPhyre]

Nameless NPC: are candy canes supposed to have (enlarged mammaries)?

DM, after a paladin used Divine Sense: you think for a moment that they're is a peppermint elemental behind you. OOC: Do peppermint elementals exist? They should. From the plane of mint. Is that next to the plane of chocolate?
Several players: I want that.

[Telok]

"Buff the fighter, let him tank it. Buff the fighter, let him tank it. Was that so hard to understand? Now look at you. It took a Heal and Greater Restoration to fix your zero hit point, 2 strength ass. Don't stick your medium armor 'help action' cleric ass in the melee before the buffed fighter engages. Do we need to glue an immovable rod to your back again?"

[KorvinStarmast]

"I think I'm gonna fart on that giant three headed cobra"
the wizard in Giant Ape form, polymorph

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "I'm too stupid to get rabies and too strong to get poisoned!"

[Telok]

"Saying it takes a good GM to raise a game above minimum competence mediocrity is damning with faint praise. A good enough GM can make FATAL decently playable."


"I don't like mining." "Great, our cleric is a dwarf hippie."

[Personification]

"A good enough GM can make FATAL decently playable."

While I respect the sentiment of your overall point, I have to contest that this is false. There is no baker good enough to turn a trash fire into a birthday cake.

[Telok]

While I respect the sentiment of your overall point, I have to contest that this is false. There is no baker good enough to turn a trash fire into a birthday cake.

Oh I don't know. Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way... Sure, you'd end up with just another janky D&D knockoff with a terrible magic system, but it could work with a good enough DM.

Not saying it'd be a birthday cake, but at least you could avoid food poisoning and your hair wouldn't be on fire. Ya know, like minimum competency "this game can be played". After that its just on the DM to make up missing stuff & make it fun.

[DCraw]

Oh I don't know. Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way... Sure, you'd end up with just another janky D&D knockoff with a terrible magic system, but it could work with a good enough DM.

Not saying it'd be a birthday cake, but at least you could avoid food poisoning and your hair wouldn't be on fire. Ya know, like minimum competency "this game can be played". After that its just on the DM to make up missing stuff & make it fun.

But at that point, is it still FATAL? Sure it would still be racist, sexist, historical-era-ist, and a few dozen other -ists, but without the terrible system to counterbalance the terrible setting I don't think it can still be considered the same steaming pile.

[Telok]

But at that point, is it still FATAL? Sure it would still be racist, sexist, historical-era-ist, and a few dozen other -ists, but without the terrible system to counterbalance the terrible setting I don't think it can still be considered the same steaming pile.

Well then you could take D&D and "Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way..." and end up in the same place eh? Neuter any system of mechanics down to minimum competency mediocrity game that it takes a good experienced GM to make into more than a basic combat boardgame plus unstructured improv. What are you left with?

But that's a tangent. Here's another from last week:

"The sound of butchering hogs with a wood axe and random screaming. Must be the barbarian stealth scouting again."

[jbr712]

“If they’re cranking, I’m spitting”
-Coeden (a PC in my campaign)

[Diachronos]

"Trust me. Give Carl the coin, he'll get you the prostitute, and the librarian will give you what you want."

"I mean, I'm a frost giant. I assume I hage some sort of racial ouchie to fire."

[TurboGhast]

"I'm sorry for causing the party to retroactively commit murder."

[HalfTangible]

Exalted

PC1: (sarcastic) "Man, I bet you were fantastic at hunting solars back in the day."
PC2: (me) "I smack him lightly across the back of his head."
PC1: "OW! Ow--dammit PC2, PC3's a big girl, she can smack me herself! Damn, that smarts..."
PC2: "I barely grazed you."
PC1: "I roll to establish that he did not, in fact, 'barely graze me'." (4sux)
PC2: "I will challenge that fact and say I *did* barely graze him." (5sux) "AHA!"

This is definitely what fact establishment is for.

[Telok]

"Hey! My axe has an AoE electric blast!" "You've been holding out on us?!?"

"You haven't crit in two fights. What did you do to piss off the dice gods?"

[Laserlight]

How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!"



New Paladin PC to Pirate PC: "Are you evil?"
Pirate: "Well...pirate, slave trader, drug trader, brothel owner, and I did make a deal with an Old One who ended up destroying a city, but I don't know whether any of that counts as evil. You'd have to ask him." (indicates party leader)

Later, the party leader. "Evil? No, I have a complex theological justification for that." (which he never explains)

[KorvinStarmast]

How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!" This is a conversation that I hope our party bard has with Strahd at some point. (I'm a warlock, not sure I'll be appealing to her).


Pirate: "Well...pirate, slave trader, drug trader, brothel owner, and I did make a deal with an Old One who ended up destroying a city, but I don't know whether any of that counts as evil. I'd blame the rum for that. :smallbiggrin:

[NRSASD]

How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!"

How long did that character survive after that comment, and was it worth being dismembered?

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "There's a sign on this door's push bar that reads 'pull'."
Beau: "Ah yes, the entrance exam."

Sparks: "It's what happens when you order Vecna from Wish.com."

GM: "You're man-sized?"
Lily: "Elf sized."

Sparks: "Did you take up gardening while you were trapped?"
Lily: "It was a corrupt treant!"
Sparks: "Still lasted longer than my houseplant."
Beau: "The plastic one?"

Lily: "Lets get back to town so that I can get stupid-drunk."
Sylvie: "Uh, did the corruption take our cleric?"

Sparks: "Imagine having Brillo pads for a face."

Sylvie: "Pretty sure the crystal goblin is a typo."

Sparks: "did you just say Thunder Boobies?"

Sylvie: "We're gonna need an illusion of a comet and two barrels of Flavor-aid."

[NRSASD]

P1: He drank some holy water, so maybe he shriveled up like a peanut?

[KorvinStarmast]

P1 "OK, the son of the noble is pale, withdrawn, and hides in the attic where light flashes are seen from its one window by numerous town folk at odd hours of the day and/or night. What's he doing up there, playing video games in a world with no electricity?"

P2: "That's about the size of it"

DM: *nods* "- or something like that"

[Zuras]

Bard: I’m going to keep dancing till her dress starts falling off, then drop the anvil on her head.

[animorte]

Warlock: Is it hard?

DM: Oh that’s why the imp is always invisible!

Warlock: Ha… difficult.

[NRSASD]

Barbarian: I run across the room and fly into a rage!
DM: What specifically are you enraged about?
Barbarian: The architecture!
Druid, OoC: I like that you have to have a catalyst for your anger.
Barbarian: It’s not Gothic, I hate it! It’s gotta go.
Wizard: It’ll be baroque by the time you’re through with it!

Barbarian: I invoke my ancestral gardening!
Party: looks confused
Barbarian: *Guardians

Monk: It’s a spell but I don’t know what kind. I am but a buffoon in the shape of a lizard!

DM: a cockatrice emerges from the rubble.
Monk: I give it a respectful nod and say “Hey”
DM: it bites you!
Monk: Whaaaaat…?

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "I admire that you have the intelligence to know Wisdom is your dump-stat, but your wisdom is too low to do the smart thing about it."

Sparks: "I got my wizard spells ready for the day."
Beau: "I got my warlock... spell ready for the day."

Rand: "I'm concerned at how many D&D problems we've resolved with a two-ton gorilla."

Erinyes: "I need an adult!"

Sparks: "I will debuff you to the Abyss!"

Lily: "How far is the Erinyes from me?"
Sylvie: "120 feet."
Lily: "Good, I have something that'll reach her."
Sparks: "Well I'm scared."
Erinyes: "Me too."

Sylvie: "How did you not see the 8-foot gorilla?!"

GM: "See, she can hit the broad side of a kobold!"
Sparks: "I'm not that fat."

[BlacklightVirus]

Ranger: "So you're telling me the real knife-slime was literally the friend we made along the way?"



NPC: (to the Barbarian, genuinely encouraging) "Aww... you go, little guy. You go live your dream of being a corpse."



DM: "Add another one to the bee's kill count, I guess. What are we at, seven?"



Artificer, OoC: "Yeah, I'd say [my steel defender] is something of a himbo."



DM: *deep sigh* "No, putting the potion in the fantasy humidifier won't do anything."



Barbarian: "I find the biggest squash and take a single bite out of it, then put it back so nobody can see it."
DM: *bewildered* "Why?"
Barbarian: "She mind-controlled our friend and tried to kill us."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Oh, because I have the big hat?"
Beau, Lily, and Sylvie: "Yes."

Beau: "Okay, so who gave the kobold a clicky pen?"

Sparks: "This beer tastes like the dude in Hamilton who got shot."
Lily: "Which guy?"
Sparks: "I haven't decided, but the body was stashed in the keg."

Lily: "What's the capacity of a type II Bag of Holding?"
Sparks: "What do you mean? African or European?"

GM: "Great, now I need math."

Sparks: "Oh, you naughty rope!"

GM: "You come up to six huts, made with skins."
Party: "... ... ..."
GM: "Animal skins."
Party: "Oh! Phew, yeah. Okay. Big difference that. We're good now."

[KorvinStarmast]

NPC (in the basement, with a crew of NPCs supporting him) looking dead in the eye of the lead melee PC and mouthing "Kill them all!" (He meant his own minions)

Paladin: "Someone used money from your trading company to hire mercenaries to kill me - and the voucher was signed by you."
Pompous comptroller: "No! I - we - did not. I assure you, it's not on the books!"
Paladin: "Which books? The ones you show to the royal tax officers or the ones you use to keep track of the money?"

Wizard: "I'm going to visit ... her."
Paladin: "Is she still the lead in that musical which performs false versions of our history that glorifies you?"
Wizard: "Yes"
Paladin: "I'll pass - not gonna be there at the premiere."

[Amidus Drexel]

"Grillark is on his way to becoming a shonen protagonist."
"You do appear to have the powers of God, Anime, and Dave on your side."

"What are you doing here?"
"Look, kid. Me, metal box, 3000 years. Not that complicated."

"Hey, don't pray here! We have a temple at home!"
"Temple at home: "

"God dammit."
"Careful, kid, I got one on the line."
"Out of character god dammit."

"I came, I saw, I... came back."

"This is a midget fight club and Grillark is awkwardly tall."

[Telok]

"So what'd I miss last week?" <talking> "He gave you enough rope and you hung yourselves?"

"The dead are very good at deadpan."

DM: "Shield guardians for everyone would be four hundred and fifty thousand gold."
P1: "Well at least it's something to spend money on."
P2: "My familiar sleeps on a pile of thirty thousand. It's not that far off."
P3: "How about gold golems? Are there stats for those?"

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "Resist the possession, Judge! Make the demon leave you!"
(Had just cast Protection from Evil and Good)
NPC Noble: {Rolls with advantage, and gets something north of 20}
SFX: Pop goes the demon!
Rest of Party: "Where'd this Marilith come from?"
DM: "Roll initiative!"
Rest of Party: Glare at paladin in three part harmony

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "We have achieved bisexual lighting."

Fighter: "We're thinking about ways to light everything on fire; we're real adventurers now!"
Cleric: "Hey, don't include me in this."
Fighter: "Shush, you tried to put out the sun."
Cleric: "It was a tactical decision!"

Fighter: "I dunno guys, I'm feeling kinda bad about this."
DM: "Oh, so those people that died with less dignity - it was okay to rob their corpses - but this is where you draw the line?"

--
Assassin: "I wouldn't say we've been failing forwards."
Paladin: "Yeah, more like sideways."

Paladin: "It's like whiskey - except it's okay, the potions are medicinal."
Assassin: "...whiskey is medicinal."
Paladin: "Well, maybe the way we use it."

Monk: "I think you have to eat all your veggies at every meal to get the tree network wifi password."

Paladin: "What if the people LIKE segregation"

[Telok]

"Cripes. I throw down an upcast damage shield and suddenly nothing can roll over an 8 to hit me? Is this the ultimate AC buff?"

"You're a fighter with two decent buffs and an axe that farts sunlight facing a room full of stupid melee mobs. This makes you death incarnate today. Now go solo all the vampires. We'll wait."

"Ten mooks at 250 ****ing plus hp each. This is taking forever and they can't do enough damage to bloody us. Could you please stop using the stupid **** CR system?"

[Slipjig]

P2: Do you have a shellfish allergy?
P3: ...no?
P2: Excellent! [Slapping sound]

NPC: Isn't the whole point of people like you owning a business to generate plot hooks?
P1: Hey now! Breaking the fourth wall is OUR job!

[KorvinStarmast]

"Ten mooks at 250 ****ing plus hp each. This is taking forever and they can't do enough damage to bloody us. Could you please stop using the stupid **** CR system?" What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend. :smallyuk:

[Amidus Drexel]

"We put the diss in dysfunctional!"

Elf: "Being slightly more feminine does not make you an elf."

Second Watch: "That sounds like a first watch problem to me."

Monk: "What if they were happy screams?"

DM: "The wind sounds like a whole team of athletes swinging wet towels."

DM: "You're putting the sausage on the pan, and it whispers YAAARVIK."
Yarvik: "I thought you were already dead!"

Assassin: "You just haven't shaved your feet in a while."
Ranger: "They get cold at night. Plus, there's crumbs that I can save for later."

Paladin: "Roger, you should go investigate. You're the most... stealthy of us."
Assassin: "I was really worried you were going to say delicious."

[HalfTangible]

What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend. :smallyuk:

JRPGs sometimes.

[Telok]

What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend. :smallyuk:

Some bloody vulture-man vampire spawn. We're 14th level and the **** stupid cr stuff says two weenie attacks of 2d6+3, 15-ish ac, and 250+ hp makes a decent fight if you use 8 mooks + 2 vamps that are about the same but have 3 spells (circle of death and 2 usless **** spells). Literally haste + prot vs evil and the fighter can solo the entire room with the flanking=adv rule going. Well, barring a string of sufficient crits, but that's because he dropped the adamant plate for 1 more ac.

Its a stupid ****ing hour plus filler fight because the game mechanics & advice tell you to run the party out of resources. Most interesting thing (aside from upcast armor of agathy making an ac 16 "provoke all the opp atks" warlock 100% unhittable because of dice god humor) was a magic altar, but nobody rolled over 7+5 on anything but the search for hidden compartments/levels (none). So that was a bust.

[Fable Wright]

Derek: Wait, are you trying to teach the former monitor lizard capitalism through the mechanisms of eggs?
Princess: Don't worry about it

Princess: Wow, for someone making fun of My Little Pony, you sure know a lot about Gadget Hackwrench to recognize her immediately from a Disney Bounding costume. I mean, she's a pretty obscure character.
Peanut Gallery: No one tell her how popular the tag is on certain image forums.
Disney Jail Bouncer: *Begins sweating*

Derek: Okay, I try to inspect what just happened. We safely jumped out of a hot air balloon after sticking our hands in a brazier and landing on a Wacky Wavy Inflatable Arm Tube Man unharmed; can I identify the magic ritual components?
GM: Roll Secrecy to see if you can identify.
Dice: Pass
GM: It was a lower-r ritual; there was no magic involved.
Derek: Okay, Derek is immediately filled with mortal peril after the fact; he did not think this could actually hurt him.

(Catching up our missing player on last session): We have replaced the bronies with robots; Derek, Princess, the real bronies, and the political prisoners are currently living happily in Equestria and may be trying to broker deals with The Pink One to leave. Also, the Spords had a minor peasant revolt, Derek signed a blood pact with the Hot Air Ballooners to make peace, and Hank and Alice are storming Disney's Club 33 with the hottest man in Agraba.

[Telok]

Player: "Wait. The cleric isn't a dwarf?"
DM: "Half-elf, he just hangs around the dwarves a lot."
Player: "Ah, that's why I couldn't tell. 'No distinguishing traits' is the half-elf racial feature."


NPC: "You have made a wise decision."
PC: "That's a rarity for us."


DM: "The death-knight sees you."
PC: "Pizza delivery! You order a large pepperoni?"
DM: "uh..."
Player: "Yay surprise! I book it back up the stairs."

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "All this court lacks is a kangaroo."
Emperor: Laughs

Other Player: "You didn't even have to roll a Performance check"
Paladin Player: "Maybe DM forgot that I'm not playing a bard in this campaign" addressing the Emperor, and the eight 'judges' as the Imperial Court takes their seats to 'try' the party for being in the Empire illegally

[Ionathus]

"Look, it's not the first or the last time I'm gonna desecrate a corpse."

[TheTeaMustFlow]

GM: "From what you know it seems unlikely that there are any Separatists on the planet, except for the fact that you just saw Count Dooku."

[KorvinStarmast]

Hound: "What incentive are you offering me to stop working with Fitz and start working with you?"
Cutter: "Besides the fact that all three of them are witches?"
Whisper: "Why are you even talking to these people?"
Hound: "They sought us out, and we need the coin. I say we take the job."
Lurk: *shrugs* "I'm in"
Whisper: "What could possibly go wrong?" (Sarcasm dripping so heavily that we needed a mop to clean it up)

[Inevitability]

Cleric: "I ponder methods to rid this poor soul of the devil possessing their body."
Me: "You're aware of a few methods! Protection From Evil And Good and an exorcism with holy water are the easiest. Though you, as a priest, can create holy water, it would require a sacrifice of some value. Traditionally it'd have to be silver, but I'm going to go ahead and say it can be anything that your deity considers valuable. It's a bit of a moot point anyway, as none of you have much of value on y-"
Wizard, interjecting: "I got that waterskin of expensive wine!"
Me, ooc: "The wine you stole?"
Wizard, ooc: "Yeah, that one."
Me, ooc: "You want to appease and honor Moradin, god of the dwarves, lawful good god of the dwarves, by offering him stolen elvish wine?"
Wizard, ooc: "It's alcohol, isn't it?"

The wine ended up working.

[Lord Torath]

Barbarian: "If all else fails, we know that corruption is flammable."

[NRSASD]

"Hey... you can't rebuild your parents."

[Personification]

Pik: Do you need help?
Kuo'Tua guard: Prisoners do not speak to guards!
Gnaw: *Writes "Prisoners do not speak to guards!" in notebook*
Pik (to Gnaw): Can I borrow some paper?
Pik: *Writes "Do you need help?" on paper*
Pik: *Gives paper to guard*


Me, OOC: Two minutes later, we'll just storm in there, covered in fish guts, shouting "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!"

[Diachronos]

"I'm going to punch the house."

"Are you wearing boots?"
"They're worth more to me than you are."

[Personification]

"He hisses at you, but he's a fish, so he sort of glub glubs at you... But there's a lot of sass in it!"

[Amidus Drexel]

DM: "I could not deny our lord and savior Hatsune Miku."

Knight: "Insert jpop idol here."
DM: "You're unsure whether jpop is canon."

Knight: "The passion he has for Hatsune Miku inspires me."

Horse: "I twirl my pistol shrimp and put it back into its holster."

DM: "The 'pistol shrimp dueling' union contract is pretty good."

DM: "Your children are getting a little bitey."
Cybernetic possum: "I eat one."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "Your children are getting a little bitey."
Cybernetic possum: "I eat one." Cybernetic Possum is the name of my next band. Techno-country-rock.

[Personification]

Vanessa: If I bite the door do I get health?

Vanessa: Is there a fish that spits acid?
DM: Well, anchovies are high in omega 3 fatty acid.

Pik: I only just started harassing this fish!

[LecternOfJasper]

P1: "Wait guys, we need a code word! So when we wake up we'll know if this was real or not."

P2: "The safe word is... BANANAS?!"

P3: "No, hmm."

P1: "Middle-Eastern BANANAS, that'll work."

Later:

P1: "Hey, P2, wake the f*** up, you have anything in particular you want to say, some phrase?"

P2: "The safe word is... BANANAS?!"

P1: "No, not quite-"

P2: "Middle-Eastern, BANANAS?"

P1: "AAAUUGH, IT WASN'T A DREAM IT-"

DM: "I think we'll end the session there."

[Lord Torath]

P1: What a cute giant lizard that's trying to eat me!

later
P1: That is *not* cute!

[Telok]

Pc: "So, bag of Abyissal fire ants?"
Dm: "Sure."
Pc: "Yay! Imp familiar will be so happy."
Dm: "You know, out of the Abyss almost anything could happen. They could grow to enormous size."
Pc: "Sure. But Bob will probably put them in someone's armor or bedroll before its a problem."

Bob is the imp...

[Telok]

Seriously? A week!

"Wait. Among the party ranger, barbarian, and wilderness survival types... its the city slicker halfling got-drunk-shagged-something-woke-up-with-spells warlock who kept track that the sun rises in the east so that way is north?"

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "As you land that second divine smite, you notice that the Marilith is covered in lipstick-kisses"
Paladin: "Wait, do we have two of these to deal with, or is there someone else? {to the party} We have more coming - "
A succubus appears and promptly charms the party wizard (rolled a 1 on saving throw).
Paladin: "Is that a succubus or a {censored}youbus?"
Wizard{casting steel wind strike and attacking all party members}: "The latter"
The censored word isn't fuel truck, but the two words share some letters in common

[Amidus Drexel]

P1: "It was either here or summer school."
P2: "I was supposed to go to fat camp, but got on the wrong bus."
P3: "My mom just said to get in the car."

P1: "I love how we all independently decided to bully those NPCs."

P1: "Can we kill more people than the monster?"
P2: "Who's the real monster? Mike Myers, or teenagers?"

P2: "My giggling is now in-character."

P1: "I want someone to look at me the way P3 looked at those shoes."

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock (Celestial): "I've been thrown out of better bars than this!"

Mayor: "You've been banished"
Warlock: "If you think you can, bring it - "
Paladin: "We are not going to slaughter the entire town guard, let's just go"
Warlock: {mutters under his breath} "You're no fun anymore"

[Spore]

DM: "I could not deny our lord and savior Hatsune Miku."

Knight: "Insert jpop idol here."
DM: "You're unsure whether jpop is canon."

Knight: "The passion he has for Hatsune Miku inspires me."

Horse: "I twirl my pistol shrimp and put it back into its holster."

DM: "The 'pistol shrimp dueling' union contract is pretty good."

DM: "Your children are getting a little bitey."
Cybernetic possum: "I eat one."

Biblically accurate Hatsune Miku. (https://www.reddit.com/r/196/comments/xpdb5x/biblically_accurate_hatsune_miku_rule/)

[Zevox]

*whispered ominously in a character's ear* "If you use your noodle, you won't wind up in the soup. But then, you would know all about soup, wouldn't you?"

"Imagine you're in a war, and you have to take an enemy position, but you know doing so will get some civilians killed. And you don't want that to happen, but you have to make the decision that doing it will save more people than it will hurt. Now imagine there's a crazy homeless man who really loves swinging his fist around in front of him, and he really likes when people are standing right in front of him, so sometimes he does both at the same time. He's not trying to punch them, but he knows it's going to happen. I'm more like the second one than the first."

"So, what should I do?"
"In my professional opinion, you should start praying."

[Telok]

"Oh, right, clerics' s half elf. But you knew who I meant. Half elves don't have any defining traits, so he hangs around dwarves and he's a dwarf cleric just like the other one."

[KorvinStarmast]

Guard: Stand down!
Paladin: Piss off!
Wizard: Great use of your charisma there, bud. :smallyuk:

[togapika]

Paladin:Get away from my emotional support twink!

[KorvinStarmast]

Lore Bard: I want to see a dragon dance!

He just leveled up to 11 and chose Otto's Irresistible Dance

[Amidus Drexel]

Paladin: "Are you equating horses and elves?"
Assassin: "Elves are LIKE horses. They both have pointy ears and eat plants."
Monk: "If you re-arrange the letters in horse and elf it makes the same word."

"I'm going to refer to you as Julian Fries for the rest of the session."

"That's like soylent green with extra steps."

Monk: "We come in peace! pew pew!"

Monk: "What's the plural of hydra? Hydras?"
Paladin: "I think it's hydrae."
Assassin: "Ah, I forgot about Dre."

Paladin: "Give me one last stake before I uh..."
Assassin: "Before you bite it?"

"Can you put something in a headlock if it doesn't have a neck?"

[Hagashager]

"DO YOU NOT SEE THE SHREIKING TOWER OF BONES?!"

*said to multiple PCs by the party leader during a particularly intense fiasco.*

[Milodiah]

"I have a drop gun, we could plant it on the squirrel".

"It's time to start SNIFFING THE WAITSTAFF!"

"I mean, I can't condemn your drug use, given I've been drinking whiskey up here...maybe don't tell the client that."

[DigoDragon]

Crit & Lily: *blows their stealth and are noticed by the enemy army*
General Grod: "Hey! What's going on?"
Rand: "And I say Heyyy-yeyyy-yeyy-yeyy Hey-yeyy-yeyy-yeyy..."

Sparks: "Grabbing the gorilla is gonna be awkward for everyone involved."

Beau: "Whose faster? Sparks or Sylvie?"
Sylvie: "Me if I trip Sparks first."

Beau: *crits on Eldritch Blast, killing the horse and knocking the rider off onto a wolf. Rider dies from the fall damage*
Sylvie: "That still only counts as one!"

GM: "Roll a Religion check."
Lily: "Three."
Beau: "Ha! Two!"
Rand: "I rolled a 1."
Sylvie: "...not even gonna try."

Sparks: "Why is Lily living rent-free in your head?"

Lily: "I don't want to lose my faculties."
Sparks: "Yeah, we need the P.E. coach."

Beau: "What's that dotted line following us?"
Party: *shrugs*

Sparks: "They're either performing funeral rites or salting the bodies."

[Telok]

Barbarian standing in front of a 30' x 30' on the mat dragon: "They started it."
DM: "You can hear his eyes roll."

DM: "Arrows of dragon slaying? About two grand each."
P1: "Ok, I've got twenty thousand laying around. Bankroll to fighter's ammo."

"It's D&D. You don't have to know anything about magic to be a caster. Make a pact, promise a soul, shag a dragon, twerk a fey. Bam! You got powers."

"See? Seven points of difference and the minus one charisma dwarf is still twice as persuasive as the warlock."

"So because the bless d4 was lower on the 20 that's the lower roll and apparently you didn't crit."

P1: "If they lay eggs we can take the eggs and raise them as minions."
P2: "Oh, yeah, we can mentally condition them from birth... well hatching."
DM: "Really guys?"
P3: "You know we're not nice people don't you?"

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "If a devil offers to help us against the eldritch being that embodies chaotic destruction, should we accept his offer if (1) we just tore up the temple where his cult worshipped him and (2) we just killed all of his cult's leaders?"
Wizard: "We can at least listen to his offer. Ready to plane shift?"
Two other party members: "What could possibly go wrong?" :smallyuk:

[DCraw]

Me: He runs away, giving you the finger
P1: I chase after him and throw him into the open sarcophagus
successful grapple
P2: I cut his finger off
Me: with your mace?
P2: I have a candle...

[Persolus]

Local Equivalent of RCMP: Say, how long have you folks been with that Tiefling there? Because a tiefling matching his description is wanted on suspicion for 30 murders and fled into the Aldani Basin a few weeks ago.
Monk: Oh, he's been travelling with us for years, and certainly would never do anything like that.
Tiefling who officially hasn't told us his backstory yet: ... yeah!

[DigoDragon]

Sylvie: "Your edition must be this tall to have unlimited cantrips."

GM: "Imagine if you will, a rhinoceros."
Sparks: *hums The Twilight Zone theme*
GM: *glares at the kobold*

Merchant: "So how did you come to partner with one of his..."
Beau: "Ilk?"
Sparks: "I'm not a cervidae."

Child: "He was taller than you, with pointy ears like her, but, like, much wider than anyone! Oh, and old twinkly eyes that still had life in them."
Sparks: "Well that still doesn't rule out Santa Claus."

Sylvie: "It's like a Red Bull enema, but you're out of network."

Sparks: "The cleric told me not to keep the spider in my pocket and I listened this time."

Beau: "Hey Sylvie? Our cleric is stoned."
Sylvie: "Well take away her joint!"
Beau: "No, I mean she's rock hard!"
Sylvie: "That is so much worse."

[dysike]

PC1: "At least we know the good guys will win in the end"
PC2: "Yes, but are we completely sure that we're the good guys?"
PC3: "I feel like at this point we're just kind of... the guys"

and

"I feel like we should have chosen a PC with less unresolved trauma for this"

[Telok]

On sea elves: "Well they're screwed. Next species?"

On swimming: "It's D&D, boat trips are practically death sentences."

On stuff: "Do you still have the big hat?" "It might not have survived the explosions." "It's gear, it survived."

On talking: "Showing up in the public teleport circle with some cannons and a pile of corpses gets you that official attention really quickly."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "As you come to the end of the tunnel complex deep under the surface, you find a large cavern gently lit by glowing walls, possibly luminescent moss or fungus. You enter a garden that includes a variety of plants, from the surface, that are each bathed in small light sources that help them to grow. It brings a quiet beauty to scene."

Paladin: "Fascinating to see how High Drow ponics is used to grow surface plants deep underground."

Rest of Party: grimaces

[Telok]

P1: "Ok, so 'nuke it from orbit' isn't an option."
P2: "Well I just don't want to waste spells on it."

[NRSASD]

P1: Did you kill anyone for your hat?
P2: Not yet, but there's still time.

P1: Does it look like their clothes would come off easily if they died?

P2: Tell me who the WORST dressed person here is. I want to laugh at him.

P1: How long would it take to shave him?

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin (facing a room full of celestials and fiends): "You all are part of the problem, not part of the solution."

Wizard (apprehensively, to the other party members): "He used every point of his charisma again, didn't he?"

DM(grinning): Roll initiative

[Bromley20]

P1: We could have a battering ram, why would we need acid?!?

P2: Because acid is cool

P1: We are robots, we dont f***ing need it!



Also about an hour later

P1: THERE IS NOTHING STEALTHY ABOUT BREATHING ACID

P3: You can't do a line of cone?

[Telok]

"We got a talky corpse. I'm willing to trade dead people."

"This isn't 'Nipples: the Sexting'. You guys leave the bathroom nasty enough as it is."

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "Who's to say that, while rescuing some slaves, we can't also get a bargain?"

Cleric: "I'm going to scream in fear, then draw my weapon if I have any actions left."
DM: "Screaming in fear is a free action"
Cleric: "...hello PTSD my old friend..."
Fighter: "The real adventure was the trauma we made along the way!"
Rogue: "It's character-building!"

Cleric: "Well, I've lived a good life."
Rogue: "You've lived a life."
Cleric: "I've lived!"
Fighter: "Allegedly."

Cleric: "Just... leave out my blanket and my favorite toy. I'll come back, you'll see."

Fighter: "We need to uh, extricate..." (OOC) "I can't say that, there's no way Gril knows that word. It's a 5 dollar word, and Gril only has 25 cents."

"Something's wrong with this world."
"Not enough catboys?"

DM: "Those orcs would be real upset if they could read."

[KorvinStarmast]

Fighter: "We need to uh, extricate..." (OOC) "I can't say that, there's no way Gril knows that word. It's a 5 dollar word, and Gril only has 25 cents."
Brilliant. :smallsmile:

[King of Nowhere]

Can I have grown a carrot drill in my garden? [It makes sense in context. And the answer was yes]

DM: The pass is bathed in extremely strong light, equivalent to a sunburst spell every round.
Player: i take a flagon of sunscreen lotion from my utility belt
DM: i knew you'd do that

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "Let no guest go un-hammered!"

Wizard to a dozen monsters/aberrations/fiends: "The party you are looking for is that way (points west) and about 12 hours away. I suggest you go and stop them." (Yes, Mass suggestion worked; they wandered off).

PC: "I'll make sure that your book of haiku, and Zen koans, is published posthumously."

[Telok]

"Lets stop using antimagic fields. It's written like **** this edition, there's too much crap from magic bonuses to deal with, and we can't agree what it works on outside spells and magic items."

"Damn good thing I have an imp familiar or there'd be nothing for me to for an hour with this stunlock. Having an invisible amoral scumbag is useful."

[DigoDragon]

Sylvie: "I found a Nordic paladin of Bahamut can I keep him?"

Garrik: "Come, we must drink and toast to your fallen comrades!"
Sparks: "But how does that-"
Sylvie: "No, no, he has a good point."

Sparks: "One more death and you get a free frozen yogurt at the Twistie Treat."

Beau: "We had a couple adventures on the sea... and one under the sea."
Lily: "Down where it's wetter, it's always better, take it from me!"

Garrik: "PayPally - Send funds and prayers instantly from anywhere!"

GM: "I trust you."
Beau: "You fool."

Peasant: "He had a... like a clean, powerful scent I never smelled before."
Sparks: "A bath?"

Beau: "I am standing Poseidon myself."

Sylvie: "You're only the fifth tallest person in Hobbit town."

Sparks: "Step 1-- summon two lionesses. Step 2-- dispose of the bodies."
Sylvie: "I require your spellcasting services and this dagger."

GM: "It's something called a Cuttlefish."
Sparks: "Oh, I like hugs!"

Priestess: "He didn't touch me and yet I feel that I have bruises."

Garrik: "There, we made a campfire in just five minutes!"
*log cabin surfaces at the beach*
Sparks: "Oh look, I made a beach house. Only took me, like, six seconds."

[Telok]

Dm: "You find ten thousand gold, a luckstone, three magic ivory goats, and a +2 shortsword."
Party: "Meh" "The goats any good?" "Nope, they're AD&D originals" "Vendor trash"
Later...
Dm: "Ok, after magic and two natural 20s you have a eight foot long shadowfel cat with daggers for fur."
Party: "KITTY!" "Woot!" "We need a barrel of fish." "Can I research a spell for a self cleaning litterbox?"

"That sounds incredibly painful and possibly lethal." "Yeah, we're adventurers."

"Lets go to the monks. We can get a drink and burn down the town later."

"Look, you're a dwarf. Drink some ale, desecrate the altar, and let's go already."

[KorvinStarmast]

Garrik: "PayPally - Send funds and prayers instantly from anywhere!" That's getting abducted and included in my Paladin's future plans. :smallsmile:

Paladin: "life is short, death is certain"
Wizard: "Aren't you a barrel of laughs today. As to your question from yesterday, you stick this dagger into you and we win; the being of primordial chaos is perma-banished but your soul is consumed. {pauses} I just realized ... "

Party examines a room covered in cobwebs and dust, noting a stuffed wolf (taxidermy)
Warlock: Might that wolf's name be Dusty?

Rogue: We have a real problem with wells in this place.
Warlock: We are putting the bed on top of the well to make sure that anything coming up out of the well has to move the bed, so no surprise.
Barbarian: I'll help.
DM: How about that, the Barbarian takes the Help action!

Bard: I've got the cloak and the alchemists fire
Warlock (mutters): What if it's not a holocaust cloak?

DM: How did all five of you fail a DC 14 CON save?

[DigoDragon]

That's getting abducted and included in my Paladin's future plans. :smallsmile:

Awesome. :smallbiggrin:


Garrik: "It'll take us twelve hours-"
Beau: "Ahem."
Garrik: "Thirteen hours to arrive. He has short legs."

Sparks: "I do the usual amount of kobold bravery by hiding behind my party."

Beau: "The mule's just a slab of meat. Why would he poke it?"

Magic Chest: "By the fourth pact. You have earned this."
Crit: "We made a pact with Dolly Parton?"
Sylvie: "Wait. What was pact one through three?"

Sparks: "Well start a fire because I don't have a house in my pocket anymore."

Asmodius: "If you want a trap, I can provide you with one."
Sylvie: "No, no, that's okay. I'll happily grab your magic chest as-is."

----------

Beau: "If he wasn't in the cage, he'd be pushing up daisies."

Chief: "Your friend. His people are not kind to us."
Beau: "To be fair, nor is my class of people kind to anyone."
Sparks: "Don't look at me. Kobolds are all adorable."
Sylvie: "Since when?"
Sparks: "DeviantArt."

Chief: "What is the most formidable evil that you face right now?"
Beau: "Our dice rolls?"

GM: "Wait, how did you get the mule disbarred?"

Chief: "We can tattoo your pack mule, but it will take five years off its lifespan."
Beau: "Ouch."
Lily: "Oof, that's bad."
Sylvie: "How long do mules live anyway?"
Sparks: "In our party? Three months at best."

GM: "Does running through the Wind Wall do anything to Sylvie?"
Sylvie: "I strike a Marilyn Monroe pose, then flip the birds the bird."

Garrik: "I have a raging case of angry birds in my armor!"

Lily: "I'm a d8 out of 10."

Sparks: "My tentacles fail to grapple the jetliner."

[thorr-kan]

NOT a Campaign Quote, but it could become a Campaign Seed:
Wife, kvetching about some mystery authors not employing editor: "...the area was named Dead Woman's Crossing...after a particularly grizzly murder...occurred there."

Now, she knows, and I know, and you know, the author meant "grisly." But what if "grizzly" as a *clue?* Or better yet, Ima gonna work this into a campaign; something about the murders of, or by, grizzlies...

[Telok]

"Wait, are we rich enough to use gold pieces as kitty litter?"
"Yes." "No!"
"..."
"Well what else can we use them for? There's nothing for us to buy."

[Amidus Drexel]

"You used to be a person?"
"Always have been."

Assassin: "Keep your eyes out, because something big got eaten a few hours ago. Made an awful sound. Anyway, good night!"
Sorcerer: "Oooooookay"

Ranger: "We're not going to need a bigger boat."

DM: "You'd have to grab that out of his quiver."
Assassin: "Mi quiver es su quiver."

"Those weren't really dragons. They didn't have wings."
"You could say they were DRAGON on the ground."

"Stop feeding him so much. We don't want him to get diabetes - that's how the dinosaurs died out."

"Do you guys have names?"
(with a heavy accent) "Yeea, of cuorse."
"Oh, so they're from the Bronx!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Rogue: "We're gonna need a bigger boat!"
Someone: (plays theme music to Jaws)

DM: The seagull flies off ...
Rogue: I guess we got to page 112. (The ref (https://img.thriftbooks.com/api/images/l/0cf94dacbcf4d1953e4c37655ba959410dbce554.jpg))

[Fable Wright]

GM: Kristina tries to leave for the third time, desperately trying to avoid social contact. Again, she's like someone's second D&D character—attractive, brooding, with an ominous air."
Froderick's Player: Yep! So until she gets better, Froderick's going to be aggressively friendly!
Geist's Player: *Bursts out laughing*

Magic Cop: "And who are all of you?"
Geist: "I'm Geist, of House Tytalus!"
Magic Cop: *Rubs temples* Of course you are.
Translator's note: Tytalus are a mage house known for child abuse, causing as much trouble as humanly possible, magic crimes, and getting off the hook for said crimes.

Augustus: "Hold up. 'Faerie Dragon Dad'?"
Froderick: "Yeah, when my Gift was opened, my parens experimented, and I lost something I should have had. So to try to regain it, my parens had me be adopted by a faerie dragon, to try and get it back."
Augustus: "Oh, so it's child abuse."
Geist: *Grins widely.*

GM: As you land in this patch of the desert, you can sense the invisible boundary to another realm, larger than anything you have ever seen before. A man runs out from the corner of your eye, waving and shouting to catch your attention.
Crazy old man: "Turn back! This is a place of great evil! Inside lies the Golden Calf, a great shaitan—"
Froderick: "Are you okay? Are you injured? Do you have water? Food?"
Crazy old man: "I—I'll be fine, but turn back!"
Froderick: "Do you have a place to go? Do you need a lift?
*later*
GM: The old man wanders off with the sandwich you gave him, mollified. 'Well, warning delivered. That's enough exposition for today.'

Froderick: "It's a faerie mind-virus."
Magic Cop: "Virus? I'm unfamiliar with the term."
Froderick: "Oh, faerie dragon dad used the term all the time."
Magic Cop: "Wait, what?"
Geist: "Child abuse."
Magic Cop: "Oh, I've heard about that!"

GM: Below you, you can see the Sultan's palace, sprawling into the city of Cairo. In the distance, you can see the vast shapes of the Pyramids, and the vast marketplaces below.
Froderick: "Hey, Magic Cop, a question. Wasn't there another group of mages here? Did you want to stop by?"
Magic Cop: "That's two questions. Yes, there is. No, I don't."
Augustus: "Wasn't this place the home of the Tytalus Archmage?"
Magic Cop: "Allegedly. We're not stopping."
Augustus: "Aww."

Augustus: "We were looking for Vladan. Is he around?"
Michael: "No, he's out in Damietta, scouting out the crusaders. Oh, but don't mention that to Magic Cop."
Magic Cop: "He's in Damietta. When I specifically told him to stay away."
Michael: "Oh! I... really wasn't expecting you to get back to so fast!"

[Milodiah]

"So what you're saying is I'm the only cybernetic Catholic in the room."

Thank you, Shadowrun, for this gem.

[KorvinStarmast]

Bard: My next song is called "Honey, I never asked you to wear leather chaps"
Party: "No, we don't want to know ..."

[Lord Raziere]

Whisper: "If you think this is bad, imagine if were actually trying to overthrow you"

[KorvinStarmast]

Bard: In that case, give me back my crowbar!
========================

DM: What were once windows are now swirling walls of sharp, deadly glass shards.
Barbarian: I look for a way between them.
DM : There isn't one.
Warlock: I misty step past the shards.
Barbarian: Rage
Warlock: I head over to the balcony where we left 50 feet of rope tied to the railing.
DM: There isn't any rope.

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "It's like a rosetta stone of bad ideas."

DM: "I don't think the celestial bison will fit into your trenchcoat."

Sorcerer: "I'm just slowly bleeding out, don't mind me."

Fighter: "This is unfortunately Dave."

Rogue: "Oh, you're gonna youth pastor it."
Cleric: "You know who else was 50% bread?"
Fighter, incredulous: "Are you 50% blood!?"

??? "They can't. They're on that sigma grindset."
Cleric: "That's why I prepared cause fear."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Crit with a bow hits #1, but Beau with a crit hits #2."

Mule: "There is no Dana, only Mule!!"

Sparks: "Orisons sounds like a breakfast thing."

Garrik: "Don't you want to see the fight?"
Sylvie: "Not from the Splash Zone I don't."

Lily: "You have the biggest thing we've seen here."
Sparks: "Uh, phrasing."

Servant: "Your paladin is a drunken brawl waiting for a place to happen."

Sparks: "At this point we've upgraded from thorn to dagger."
Sylvie: "They've probably lost a kidney."

Garrik: "I've taking a shoe to the face. I know how not to read a room."

Sparks: "So it's either death or slave to a devil?"
Sylvie: "Well, slave works for me."

GM: "Hey, you can't open the Monster Manual for info! You first have to roll a-"
Lily: "Nat 20 on Knowledge (Religion)."
GM: "...she's on page 54."

Sparks: "The cheese was worth not pooping for three days."

[KorvinStarmast]

Servant: "Your paladin is a drunken brawl waiting for a place to happen."

That accurately describes our Monk and our Fighter in the current campaign.
Speaking of quotes:

Fighter:"If there's work, there's drink!"

A few days later ...

Lurk: This Score is powered by Circus Underpants!
(Background music plays Yakety Sax)

Hound: What, are we playing Carpentry in the Dark?

Cutter: I just threw a vampire into the cage.
Lurk: Let's get the flock out of here!

Crew: For being a complete clusterfunk, that went well

Hound(thoughtfully): I shot him in the face with electroplasmic bullets.
*clock strikes four*
Hound: Aw sheet, that means spiritual consequences! :smalleek:.
Crew: Do we even know who this is?

[NRSASD]

"My uncle is glad I have a future. The rest of my family is glad I'm not part of their future."


Headmaster of the Wizard School: "We'll see how many of you I see next year."
Student: ... "Are you going to go blind?"


"If I knew those healing rocks existed, I wouldn't have thrown the rabbit at that cat."


"I stay up all night discussing existential philosophy with my manic butterfly."


DM: You get thwacked hard by the quarterstaff and go unconscious. You wake up almost immediately as the student who clobbered you immediately revives you.
Student with quarterstaff (DM): "I'm so sorry! I panicked! Your magic was really scary and I just swung and... that was the worst thing I've ever done in my life! I'm sorry!
Concussed student (PC): I have VERY mixed feelings about this. Mixed... romantic feelings. They may have knocked me unconscious but no one has ever cared enough to heal me before!

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "Ugh! I'm an idiot."
Sylvie: "Yeah, but we don't hold it against you."

Sparks: "Hi. I have a question. For God."

Beau: "Check out my bejeweled dagger."
Sylvie: "Do you have a Candy Crush shield too?"

Beau: "Here comes the raid caravan."
Thri-keen: "RAID?!"

Sparks: "Here comes the raid again
Swinging at my head like a memory
Swinging at my head like a new emotion
I want to tank in the open wind
I want to flank like lovers do
Want to siege into your city
Is it burning with you?
So, baby, raid with me
Like lovers do
Trade with me
Like lovers do
Raid to me
Like lovers do"

Sylvie: "It was a Loki kind of party."
Sparks: "Eh? It seemed like a rather rambunctious carnival to me."
Sylvie: "But that's what I just implied?"
Sparks: "No, you said it was a low key event."
Beau: "Ah! Homonym trouble."

Slyvie: "How high are you flying?"
Sparks: *SnoopDogg.jpeg*

GM: "Role a save."
Lily: "Fortitude?"
GM: "How did you roll a 42?!"

GM: "You Bugs Bunny'd a Brooklyn accent."

Beau: "How did it come back out of the moat covered in Hollandaise sauce?"

Garrik: "Do we have a plan?"
Sparks: "I have... 12% of a plan."
Beau: "That's barely a concept."

GM: "How is it you all are arguing over how you died and yet you all are still alive?"

Sparks: "She's only going to harp on your bad treatment of her."
Magic Harp: "Hey! Hey! Only Beau can make bad musical puns around me."
Beau: "Yeah. Her companionship comes with strings attached."
Magic Harp: "...I regret my life choices."

[KorvinStarmast]

Rogue (she is also playing the Barbarian/Druid, whose player could not make it) "What can I do to attack when there is a blade barrier between us and the giants?"
Fighter: "Try a thorn whip and see if you can drag him into the blades" (And by golly it worked!)
Rogue: "Pretty clever idea, and you're not even a battle master"


Cleric: They are coming in large groups: which AoE should I use?
Fighter: Earthquake worked a couple of years ago
Cleric: I can only see 60' and it's got a 100' radius; we'll be caught in it
Fighter: shrugs


City Guard Captain: "Where are you going? The assembly call was in that direction! (Opposite of the party's direction of travel) and we have intruders!"
Rune Knight: "I have to escort these operatives to the command post; they have critical intel!"
City Guard: "What kind of intel?"
Rune Knight: I don't have a need to know, but Sergeant Eggerfleven will chew off my left butt cheek and stuff it into my ear if I don't deliver them to the command post!"
City Guard Captain{after the 22 was rolled for deception} "get moving then, and report to your unit immediately after you do!"
Rune Knight:: "Aye Aye, Captain"
Monk {under his breath}: "Infiltration by hiding in plain sight; why didn't I think of that?"
Rune Knight:: Because you're a drunk.

[Telok]

GM: "The shadows are like CR 1."
P1: "And they're more dangerous than the nightwalker. We have a barbarian for the stupid beatstick monsters."

P1: "Adventuring on the negative energy plane is weird. Everything does psychic damage."
P2: "Plus necrotic works and nothing's vulnerable to radiant."
P3: "Lol-random monster design is random."

P1: "How do we open the gate?"
P2: "Tell the barbarian there's a drink on the other side."
P3: "What? We forgot to bring beer? Man, we're boned."

[KorvinStarmast]

Slide: "Well I spread the wrong rumor and I need to make amends with that gang leader who wants to cut out my tongue, {at this point a rambling discourse commences}
NPC: *begins to show annoyance*
Leech(interrupts): "We'll offer to do him a favor. We'd like you to arrange a meeting with his henchman"
NPC: "Oh, so that's what you want?"
Slide: "Yes, that's what we wanted. To talk. I'm good at talking, maybe I can talk him out of cutting out my tongue..."
NPC: "There can be too much of a good thing"
Leech: "Just tell us when and where, and we'll be there." (takes Slide by the arm and begins to leave)
NPC/DM: "Did you just Pith on his spotlight?"

[Laserlight]

Tom: I hear a voice yelling in Dark Speech? Must be a mindflayer! I shoot at where I hear the voice!
DM: You're firing into complete darkness, with disadvantage, you'll...well. A Nat 20, but you take the lower die, which is....a Nat 20. Jesse, you're hit.
Jesse: You SHOT me! In the BUTT! I'm never healing you again!


Tom: I grab the rope, swing over to the girl, grab her, and cut the rope that's suspending her over the pit.
DM: One hand for your rope, one hand for the girl, one hand to cut her rope. Remind me, how many hands do you have?
Tom: ...(long, pained pause) ... I drop the only rapier I'm ever going to find on this continent. Looks like I'll be Smiting with a borrowed dagger.


Jesse, two years after the campaign ended: Old Juan! Old ONE! He was--! I can't believe--!
DM: I was wondering if you would ever realize what he was.

[Lord Torath]

Tom: I grab the rope, swing over to the girl, grab her, and cut the rope that's suspending her over the pit.
DM: One hand for your rope, one hand for the girl, one hand to cut her rope. Remind me, how many hands do you have?
Tom: ...(long, pained pause) ... I drop the only rapier I'm ever going to find on this continent. Looks like I'll be Smiting with a borrowed dagger.Oh, you poor, dumb Tom. Swing over to the girl, throw her arms around your neck, then cut her rope! No need to lose your rapier!

Of course, 20/20 Hindsight, armchair quarterbacking, only know part of the details, etc. etc. In other words, it's quite probable my 'obvious' solution would not have worked.

[Jay R]

"A cheetah is not a bludgeoning weapon."

Bard: I inspire courage.
DM: You all feel courageous. Do something stupid.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Bugbears with crossbows!"
Beau: "A grizzly combination."

Lily: "I've tasted mayonnaise with more kick."

Beau: "Now, witness the awesome might of this fully operational Warlock!"

Sparks: "The ping here is an atrocious 800."

Garrik: *adds scotch to his potion of healing*

Beau: "One stupid thing just occurred to me."
Sylvie: "Just one?"
Beau: "I'm pacing myself."

Sparks: "Five feet? That's not a movement rate, that's a rounding error."

Gm: "The squid goes on 21."
Lily: "I'm a 21 too!"
Sparks: "Thought you were a Sagittarius?"

Sylvie: "It's a kraken, it doesn't have anything but tentacles!"

Lily: "I came in like a Nature's Call!"

Sparks: "Moving this tree is gonna be a birch of a quest."
Beau: "I do pine for the days we had simple solutions."

[KorvinStarmast]

Fighter: during down time, I'll be getting a tattoo of the Nightshade Lily on my left butt cheek.


Monk: Hmm, not sure if I should get those gaunts that give me only 1d4 lightning damage on hitting.
Fighter: Beggars can't be choosers.


Monk: I want to pet the kitty!
Druid: That's a saber toothed tiger
Bard (who summoned the STT): If she takes your hand off, that's on you.


Wizard: Wait, they said something about operation full moon
Fighter: They did, I'll follow that elf and see if I can find out more
Off camera voice: Just keep your pants on, we don't need a full moon now.

[Xihirli]

Teacher: Does your fox have gills?
Willow: Yes. Don’t worry about it, completely normal and expected where I’m from.

Teacher: What do you seek at the Magambia?
Caroline: Right now I’m looking for that snake’s shadow.

“The catfolk equivalent of finger guns.” -GM

Willow: Essi gets [swear word approximating "dates"]!
Etayne: So many, they have to make appointments!

GM: They skip indigo. Because **** indigo.
7: As they should, indigo is not a valid color.
GM: Indigo is my favorite color.

[KorvinStarmast]

Druid: We'll take the captive with us when we talk to the Fey.
Monk: That will go well, surely.
Wizard: I think we are about to get an alignment check.

Druid: You froze the lake.
Fey: Yes, I did, and your captive is getting cold feet. (snickers)
Druid: Let's go ice skating.
Fighter to Monk: "I think it just became cocktail hour"
Monk: gets booze out of back pack..

[vasilidor]

I fell like I got hit by a clue by 4.

[KorvinStarmast]

Druid (In Draconic): "Oh mighty dragon turtle we are here!"
Dragon Turtle: Did you bring what I asked for?
Druid: "Yes. Here's the magical item that was stolen from you."
Monk (sotto voce): Is the Mage still knocked out?
Barbarian (sotto voce): Yes.
Monk (in Draconic): "We also have a snack for you."
Dragon Turtle: "A snack? What kind of snack?"
Monk: "The thief himself!"
{Barbarian throws mage out of the boat.}
{Dragon Turtle consumes Mage.}
Rogue: "Let's get out of here before he belches"

[Lord Torath]

(In the course of negotiating with a lost Fire Giant):

"Excellent! Come with us if you want to meet your maker again."

[Telok]

"Dude, the neg plane is just too weird. The monochrome black, the skulls & scythes motifs, that's fine. But the only thing worth talking about that didn't deal psychic damage was a giant gelatenous cube, and vampritic touch worked on way too many things."

[KorvinStarmast]

Fire Giant: You guys are mean!
He became chutney during the course of that round

Rogue: What's our Battle Master doing?
Champion Fighter: He's drawing a tunnel for us to escape through. Nolzur's Pigments
Rogue: Why?
Ranger: The fire giants can throw rocks all day; they never run out of rocks.

[Hagashager]

From my 2e group:
"You're supposed to use a pillow."

"Wait, whoa, we have a slave?"

"What the Hell, man?! You ask me to show you the secret to immortal life and then you kill him!" *said after Party Mage botched an immortality ritual *very* badly.*

From my Star Wars group:
"Bounty-Hunting is a complicated business." *said after a target asked why we have a Bothan girl with us*

"Don't worry! We're coming to get you!" *immediately gets T-Boned by a hover-car after a double-despair to swerve off the road*

From my Conan game:
"The guy had a pet rat with the face of a man! How in the Hell are we supposed to think 'good guy' from that??"

[thorr-kan]

My 2E Al-Qadim campaign:

<Normally laidback priest>: "I'm going to ransack his laboratory for writing supplies. Then I'm gonna write, "OUR BUSINESS." on his forehead!"

(Party had just finished putting down an enemy wizard 3 times in 4 sessions. But the guy won't die. He's at something like -60 hit points and keeps squirming. But he's not undead. Since a slogan of the group is, "It's not our fault! We were minding our own business!", I think *somebody* has had enough of this guy. They got the info they wanted, divested him of any magic items, got an oath of non-interference, and left him. I'm impressed. They didn't torture the guy, just beat him, threatened him with feeblemind and revocation of his occult protections, then left him.
No murderhobos here.)

[Telok]

"A pox on your pathetic monarchy. I have a gun-fu motorcycle nun government. Your argument is invalidated for uncoolness."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: Yes, the remorhaz just swallowed you.
Barbarian: It's hot and dark in here!
Bard: Now that was cool
Sorcerer: *Disintegrate*
Barbarian: Wait, I'm still in here
Battle Master: I don't think he can hear you!

[Kish]

*said after Party Mage botched an immortality ritual *very* badly.*



()
Ack, context.

[KorvinStarmast]

Said this evening during play ...

I may be a barbarian but I'm not an idiot!

[animorte]

Said this evening during play ...

I may be a barbarian but I'm not an idiot!
Funny enough, I recently started a min-magic campaign and am running a Zealot Barbarian, who has the highest Intelligence in the entire party.

[Ionathus]

Like a memoir, but tiny.

character limit

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "You know what happens when you electrocute a frog? The same thing that happens to everyone else!"

Sorcerer: "I have the monopoly on the ****ed up sea creature market."

DM: "When does graverobbing turn into archaeology?
Fighter: "When Disney's copyright expires."

--
Paladin: "in orcish, they have this phrase - 'hakuna matada' - it means no worries"

Assassin: "on each square of the chessboard, Zippo's story doubles in length"

Paladin: "It was nice to meet you, but we have to go."
NPC: "Are you sure?"
Paladin: "Well, it was fair-to-middling to meet you."

[DigoDragon]

Paladin: "Well, it was fair-to-middling to meet you."

Hee hee, that's comedy.


GM: "Once is enough."
Sparks: "Even though you've done it 17 times..."

Crit: "Want me to chop off your hand? Err, not your hand hand, but your hand holding your hand."
Sylvie: "...anyone without INT as a dump stat have a better idea?"

Garrik: "See, my blindness helps!"
Beau: "I admit I did not see that one coming."

Beau: "He strikes... like Fiiirebaaall!"

Sparks: "Wait, the BBEG's lair has a doggie door?"

GM: "You need to make a climb check to reach the... uh... to reach that..."
Beau: "I can fly."

GM: "Shipwright is a profession."
Sparks: "Is there a shipwrong?"

Sylvie: "Weren't you at the palace?"
Sparks: "I got kicked out."
Sylvie: "Why? Were you too poor to hang around the nobles?"
Sparks: "No, I was... well, you aren't wrong."

Beau: "What we have here, and this is a technical term, a woogie-woogie effect."

GM: "Imagine your sack is full of rats that all want to scurry in different directions, but can't."
Sparks: "Beau's laundry is angry."

[Xihirli]

"Your life involves killing people and sometimes turning into a dog."


Sophie: "Hey, do you have anything to deal with werewolves?"
"Like kill them?"
Soph: "Like.... Calm them down."
"I'll see what we have."
*Checks stock*
"Here is some wolves' bane. Wolves hate this stuff. Makes them run away."
Soph: *vomits and runs away at the smell of it*
"... It happened again, I lost another customer!"


*Gets change for a purchase*
"Wait, do silver pieces hurt me?"

"Is it almost a full moon?"
"Make a nature check."
*Nat 1 with -2 multiplier for a -1 total*
"What's the moon?"


"I may be able to make something that can cure your lycanthropy... Or at least help you control when you transform."
Soph: "That would be nice, it seems to just happen at random."
"It's usually tied to the full moon."
Soph: "... What?"

Soph: *Turns into a werewolf as part of the battle rage and rips her clothes.*
"Do you have a spare change of clothes?"
"No."
"Check your bag."
"Nothing listed."
"But in your bag you do find one outfit. Your old uniform from when you were part of the guard."
"Wasn't I wearing that the night I contracted lycanthropy?"
"Oh... right..."

*Finds giant bones*
Soph: "Do you know how long I could chew on this?"

[KorvinStarmast]

Ancient warrior possessed by a tree: I'll push you over that cliff! (shoves)
Rune Knight (large sized): (shoves back) No, you won't.


Monk: We don't want ale, we want the good stuff.
Rune Knight: Yeah, the good stuff!
(OOC to GM: it's like everclear, right?. GM says: 4x everclear)
Gnome: This stuff is pretty strong, are you sure?
Monk and Rune Knight in unison: Hell yeah!
Monk: Make mine a double!
{Two days later} Monk: Waking up is overrated.

Demigoddess-in-a-tree: I will end you!
Monk: I brought Fire!
Fighter: And my axe.

[PhoenixPhyre]

DM, on discord between games: And before you ask, no, I'm LDS, not doing LSD. Or shrooms 🙂


This was after posting a google doc (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eYlljKQMMGHHSXrUh_UqxHpJou0NgvOR0BVRygfMxWI/edit?usp=sharing) with a particularly special, drug-fueled dream a character had after partaking of some gnomish liquor.

[DigoDragon]

"It's usually tied to the full moon."
Soph: "... What?"

Haha, Soph is a new favorite. Please do bring more quotes if they happen. :D

[KorvinStarmast]

Gnomish Inventor "you just sit on the large arrow, and you hold these panels out, and we launch the ballista to see how far you can fly"
Monk: (Does as suggested, and then falls with the monk damage reduction resulting in zero damage)
Fighter: I'll get some more popcorn for the next test.
War Mage: Me too.
Gnomish Inventor: You survived? Great. You are now our number one test pilot.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Gnomish Inventor "you just sit on the large arrow, and you hold these panels out, and we launch the ballista to see how far you can fly"
Monk: (Does as suggested, and then falls with the monk damage reduction resulting in zero damage)
Fighter: I'll get some more popcorn for the next test.
War Mage: Me too.
Gnomish Inventor: You survived? Great. You are now our number one test pilot.

Alcoholic monk, after said events: you know, if you attach alcohol fueled rockets to the glider, it'll go even further.

Inventor: what are you, a genius?

[KorvinStarmast]

Alcoholic monk, after said events: you know, if you attach alcohol fueled rockets to the glider, it'll go even further.

Inventor: what are you, a genius?
Founder of Delicate Apocalypse, LLC (the firm) "You are now promoted to 'non-expendable test subject' for being a genius."
Monk : "One day I WILL have a jetpack. This is my goal."
Found in the game chat

[Xihirli]

Haha, Soph is a new favorite. Please do bring more quotes if they happen. :D

Was a very short campaign that is now done with. Glad you enjoy, though!

[dysike]

Fighter: Are you an evil wizard?
WizardMage: I prefer the term 'mage' to 'wizard' personally
Fighter: And the evil?
Mage: 'Evil' is a bit of a strong word...
Rogue: Morally dubious?
Mage: 'Morally Dubious Mage' has a nice ring to it, sure.

[KorvinStarmast]

Druid: Can we adopt it? (Baby Basilisk)
Fighter: I like being drunk, not being stoned.

DM: These aberrations are led by a Flying Psychic Tree Octopus
Fighter: Need to multiclass into bard; that's a cool name for my next band.
Druid: Meh. They are discount mind flayers ...

Monk: No, don't destroy that last egg!
Fighter: Harpies, dude, who tried to charm us, eat our faces, and kill us.
Druid: And you didn't let me adopt a basilisk...
Monk: : Pouts
Fighter: Fine, here's your egg. I guess our campaign journal is now Horton Hatches an Egg ...

[Telok]

"Wait, the party pool has over a hundred thousand gold in it?"
"Well nobody had a use for it."


"We need a lava cannon for our flying castle."
"So we can hunt giant dragons."
"We're adventurers. This makes sense."
"A big lava cannon."
"We'll pay you a dracolich and two tons of gold."

[KorvinStarmast]

"We need a lava cannon for our flying castle."
"So we can hunt giant dragons."
"We're adventurers. This makes sense."
"A big lava cannon."
"We'll pay you a dracolich and two tons of gold." This is why we play D&D/PF/Runequest/Earthdawn/et al.

So that conversations like this can be had. :smallsmile:

[Telok]

This is why we play D&D/PF/Runequest/Earthdawn/et al.

So that conversations like this can be had. :smallsmile:

Then negotiations broke down, we beat the snot out of the guy, took all his stuff, and ran off. But it's OK because he was tagged "team Evulz" and there will never be any repercussions. Way less interesting than if we hadn't rolled a 2 on a charisma check.

[PhoenixPhyre]

GM, OOC on discord: why do all beholders have Persian accents? Because they're Eye-ray-nian!

Players: < threaten mutiny >

[DigoDragon]

GM: "You get thirsty a little faster."
Sylvie: "Pretty sure Sparks is always thirsty."
Sparks: "I never saw you try to stop me."

Lily: "I'll just rely on Beau."
Sylvie: "Why???"

Sparks: "Pardon me while I... whip this out."
Beau: "It's got five heads. Impressive."

Sylvie: "Where'd you get this hydra, Dollar Tree?"

GM: "Sparks, since your roll was so high..."
Sparks and Lily: "Fo shizzle."

Sylvie: "Someone roll me a d20. I know my bonuses."
Sparks: "Three."
Sylvie: "I said I know my bonuses, I asked for you to... oh my gods, is that what you rolled?"

GM: "I need a Spellcraft check."
Sylvie: "18."
GM: "Almost, but not quite."
Beau: "18."
GM: "Nope."
Sparks: "Stand back, I got a +17 to this check... *rolls* ...18."

Lich: "Why are you here?"
Sparks: "We just need to get into the ziggurat."
Lich: "You will not get by me."
Beau: "Oh, we planned on just blasting a hole from down here."
Lich: "How are you...?"
*party creates a significant divot in the side of the ziggurat*

Lich: "I cannot allow you to deliver that!"
Beau: "Well I cannot be held responsible for my right hand."

Lich: *casts Stone Shape to entomb Sylvie*
Sylvie: *casts Stone Shape to make a door and walks out*

Beau: "Wait, you were actually trying to kill me?"
Sylvie: "when are you not in a situation where someone is trying to kill you?"
Beau: "...okay fair point, but you're also deflecting."

Sparks: "Haha, that makes you Beau Baggins."

Lily: "He's a 12th level alcoholic."

GM: "Did you really think it would be that easy?"
Beau: "Yes."
Sparks: "No."
Beau: "Yes."
Sparks: "No."
Beau: *casts silence on Sparks*
Beau: "Yes."

Sylvie: "Your pelvis doesn't have enough hit points to solo that blind date."

[KorvinStarmast]

Lily: "He's a 12th level alcoholic." We have a monk like that.

Sylvie: "Your pelvis doesn't have enough hit points to solo that blind date." Now that's funny. :smallwink:

=========================

Druid: Do you mind if I turn you into a giant ape?
Fighter: Mind? I was wondering if you'd remember that you had that spell.

------------------------------

DM: No, the giant ape cannot squeeze down through that 5' wide hole.

------------------------------------

War Mage: I am almost out of spells, so all I can to is firebolt. <Dice happen> 27 points of damage.
Fighter to Monk: Is he aware that he just rolled the average damage of a fireball?

[Telok]

"You're going to kill the explody monster here next to the casters aren't you?"

Barb: "The halfling has the artifact."
Cleric: "I'll prep the cruse breaking spells again."

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "Did you forget you worshiped the oracle goddess?"
DM, miming: "You never call!"
Fighter: "She can see you not calling!"

Fighter: "Let he who does not enjoy a good pile cast the first stone."

Fighter: "I can only take action in the 6 seconds appointed to me by god."

"Are you trying to haggle with a magic blood fountain?"

DM: "You DO have disadvantage, but I don't think you'll roll much lower than that"
Assassin: "Through the gods, all things are possible."

Assassin: "Respect their customs, and get out there and shoot their clan leader."

Spectator: "Treatment first, pain later. Thank you for visiting your harmicist."

Paladin: "I don't know much about demons; I'm just a simple country nobleman."

[KorvinStarmast]

Battle Master: You want to go where? To the Underdark?
Rogue: Yes. We are going to the Drow's capital city and put an end to this threat.
Battle Master: Who is this we? The Pomarj and the Wooly Coast are lovely this time of year. I hear some Margaritas calling me back home ...
Rogue: Coward
Battle Master: Dead men drink no margaritas.

[KorvinStarmast]

Rogue: You need another mind flayer
Rest of Party: You never need another mind flayer!

[NRSASD]

Izos: What's this thing you keep mentioning about a gazebo?
Hugo: Yeah we passed a gazebo full of naked ladies drinking cocktails 50km back. We avoided it, seemed too dangerous.
Izos: I agree, that does seem too risky.
Hugo: Yeah, we went into the mystical pyramid that only appears in the full moonlight instead.

[KorvinStarmast]

Izos: What's this thing you keep mentioning about a gazebo?
Hugo: Yeah we passed a gazebo full of naked ladies drinking cocktails 50km back. We avoided it, seemed too dangerous.
Izos: I agree, that does seem too risky.
Hugo: Yeah, we went into the mystical pyramid that only appears in the full moonlight instead. Might have been a succubus convention, ya never know.

Captain: We need a name for this ship
Everyone: {suggest a variety of names, none of which stick}
Dwarf{1} Engineer Player: How about White Dwarf?
Captain: That was a game magazine ...
Helmsman: Dwarf Star
Captain: Get the champagne bottle, we'll christen this ship!


This guy always plays a dwarf. Always, since 1975

[Metastachydium]

Everyone: {suggest a variety of names, none of which stick}

Did anyone suggest Greg?

[KorvinStarmast]

Did anyone suggest Greg? No, because that's a terrible name for a ship, and a worse name for a vampire whose actual name is Durkula. :smallwink:
(Pastor Expiration was an inspired suggestion, however)

Updated for last night's madness:

NPC: Here {pulls something from the chest of a dead enemy} - this may be what you are looking for.
Paladin: That looks like the other gem that the Wizard of Wine asked us to find.
Warlock: Hey bard, I've got a new song for you.
Bard: OK...
Warlock (sings): "Like a wine stone cowboy, riding in a hearse -"
Bard: You are muted!

[dysike]

"No, no-one else brought chickens on this fantasy adventure"

[KorvinStarmast]

My trolls are all the wrong size!

--------------------

Bard: Stupid, but strong.
Rogue: You talking about the trolls, or the dwarf cleric?

-----------------------------

Captain: Uhura's phasers are always set to stun.

----------------------------

Monk: "I will try to remove the corrupted shard from the tree."
DM: "Describe how you will do that.
Fighter: "Is it like squeezing a zit?"
Monk: "Yes, it's like squeezing a zit."
Fighter: "I'll help"
Warmage: "I'll duck" *puts cloak over head*
---------------------------------

Update for recent BitD session:

Slide: We know it's your brother who wants the shipment delivered at the docks, and we'd like you to help us intercept it first.
NPC: What's in it for me?
Slide: First tell me the ship's name
Leech: I facepalm so hard that I take Stress, which should help him with the Sway roll that about to happen here ...
Slide: {rolls 2, 4, 6} ... yeah! Now tell me the name of the ship, bud!
Leech: {In Alec Guinness voice} What have I done? I have become an enabler!

[DigoDragon]

Jennah: "My goal is to slay my sire."
Sylvie: "Yeah? And how's mom doing?"
Jennah: "I never knew my mother."
Sparks: "I know how this quest is gonna end. I'll get the spork."

Sparks: "Three hags is a coven. Four to six is a Home Owners Association."

Jennah: "I am the result of Hubris and Brutality."
Beau: "Your parents have very unfortunate names."

Mule: "This smells like terrible. Let's go!"
Sparks: "Neigh."

Sylvie: "It's Freddy Orcury!

GM: "You sense that the orc is trying to goad you into a fight."
Sparks: "Well it's a good thing that I'm a moron."

GM: "Oh my gods, I wanna buy the goat dinner!"

Beau: "Yes! sparks, we did it! ...I think we did it, Sparks get us out of here!"

Sparks: "Can your dagger stop licking the Rakshasa's giant monkey?"

Beau: "From a Potion of Cure Serious Wounds, I rolled a 10."
Sylvie: "So it's the opposite, a Potion of Cure Clown Wounds."

Vampire Lord: "It takes a special something to defy me... I forget the word."
Beau: "Stupidity?"

Vampire Lord: "Little kobold, do you swear to assist me?"
Sparks: "Sure, why the *bleep* not?"

[Telok]

"You can engage with the adventure in good faith or I can pull out 'galactic ass blasters ftom uranus: butt pun hellions'."

"The laser donkeys are fighting a rear guard action against the diseased fire chickens. You aren't sure what side the ufos are on, they seem to be indiscrimantly spraying whipped cream on everything."

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: The harpy egg is hatching! I want to raise that child.
Fighter: You gonna breast feed that thing?

[DeTess]

explosives expert: Nice, I get to go before those critters so I can try taming one!
explosives expert: Oh, right, I first need to see one explode before I'll know in character that I want one as a pet.
*one volley of attacks by other, quicker, allies later*
explosives expert: Hey, stop killing all the cute ones!

edit: some context:

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/starcraft/images/d/d6/Baneling_SC2_head1.jpg



https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/carbotanimations/images/7/75/Tumblr_mlkr6l1pfx1s1pua7o1_500.jpg

[KorvinStarmast]

GM: coming at you are four vaguely humanoid creatures wearing tattered and ragged federation/starfleet clothing.
Captain: Set phasers to stun!
Security Officer: I shoot one with my phaser.
Captain: I guess we'll only be able to save three.

------------------

Follow Up from last night ...

Sorcerer: I guess combat is no time for a power nap.

[NRSASD]

What's the AC of my brain?

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: being the tank is a tankless job.
Warlock(celestial): I offer a prayer of Tanksgiving...
*rotten fruit is thrown by all others*

==========a bit later==============

I'm not that kind of bard!

[Diachronos]

"Oh, that's right. You've been killed by an explosion, and a pie."

"I don't trust furniture. I have PTSD."

"Sexy door noises"

"Most DMs will disarm you. I'll disleg ya!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Ranger: At this point in the conversation, I take the bow off of my shoulder and shoot him in the face.

--------------------------

Fighter: Wait, the flaming horse just charged me? Great. I was afraid I'd have to try and chase it down.

------------------------

Elf Sorcerer: I'll sit here and trance, nothing will happen for the next four hours, right?

[NRSASD]

Sorcerer who is also a jeweler: "There, wizard, do you think that ring fits right?"
Bard accidentally walks in, unnoticed, sees sorcerer sliding ring onto wizard's finger.
Wizard, happily: "I do!"
Bard flees in tears

Ranger: "Oh this is going to require something more than squirrels."

Bard: *stops scrubbing dishes to mournfully wail* "Wizard and sorcerer got married!" *Puts head in sink and tries to drown*

Paladin, to Wizard: “Wait, practicing magic WASN’T a euphemism for sex!?”
Druid: “Uhhh we gotta go, bye!”

[KorvinStarmast]

NPC: You killed all of my private security guards. Why should I trust you?
Druid: Because we are the good guys.

----------------------------

[NRSASD]

*intercom sound*
“This is your Admiral speaking. Guess what I’m about to do. It rhymes with puke.”
*intercom sound*
*distant massive explosion*
*emergency lights come on*
Radiological hazard detected! Please proceed to your nearest fallout shelter immediately!

[KorvinStarmast]

Captain: Set phasers to kill
Major Tom Major: That's what I'm talkin' about!

[Xihirli]

I have finally had another session with Sophia, the lycanthrope barbarian. Here are some quotes I know one of you was hoping for.

"What do you know about the lycanthrope orcs in the south?"
I know they're lycanthropes now... and scary... and to the south.

"You can't stay here if there is a chance you'll turn into a wolf a kill me."
"That hasn't stopped you in the past!"

"Geesh, great plan guys... and that's coming from me."

"I can't even roll a die! How do you expect me to catch fish?"

"Look, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the breeze is moving the grass, the flowers are blooming, the trees are beautiful. It's so pretty! IT'S TERRIBLE, I HATE IT!"

"They smile, as if they think this is going well."

"Spirit?"
"Okay!" And I take out a javelin

"****! I'm talking to toddlers...
and they're smarter than me!"

"You must re-take Pre-K. You flunked it."

"How do you guys know when my next transformation will be?"
"The full moon."
"What?"
"The... full moon."
"The what?"
"... IN TEN DAYS..."

[KorvinStarmast]

GM: You rolled a 20, that means a complication.
Engineer: that's not good, how deep is the ravine under the bridge?
GM: The survivor you were escorting across the bridge falls into the ravine.
Captain: He should not have worn a red shirt today.

=====================

Major Tom Major rocks!

==============

It's a panther
So don't anther

==========

Commander Uhura called. I'll be in my bunk.

[Amidus Drexel]

DM: "Once they hit -10, all you can do is check their pockets for loose change."
Cleric: "If Dave dies, he would want us to loot his corpse."

Fighter: "We killed him in self defense before he could wake up and attack us."

Sorcerer: "Summoning a demon? Okay with me. Not an hourglass, though. I have vibe-checked it and found it wanting."

DM: "This is god's weakest soldier, and he's asking for the easiest battles."

Cleric: "Capitalism will protect me from physics!"
Fighter: "Just ask Stockton Rush, formerly of OceanGate!"

Sorcerer: "I am here to mess with **** and simp."

Cleric: "You be talking mad **** for someone in prayer distance."

[Slipjig]

P1: Who are you?
VOICE IN HER HEAD: I'm your intuition.
P1: That seems unlikely, because my ACTUAL intuition is telling me not to trust you.

"How is the PALADIN the Chaos Muppet in this party?!?"

P2: Do you really think that's a good idea?
P3: Of course! You're a Bard, if the universe drops an obviously magical instrument into your path, you can't NOT play it! That would be like not pressing the big red "DO NOT PRESS" button!
-a few awful minutes later-
P3: Why do I listen to you?!?
P2: Flee the scene first! Recriminations later!

[Lord Torath]

Air Cleric: "Ooops."

[NRSASD]

Paladin: "Just to take the edge off your bluntness."

DM: "You take five points of necrotic damage. TO YOUR EYEBALL."
Ranger: "There goes the croissant!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Sorcerer: Did we take a long rest?
Ranger: No, we took a short rest.
Sorcerer: OK, so I took a long rest because I tranced.
Ranger: Your trance was interrupted by troglodytes.
Sorcerer: I still took a long rest; you short rest is four hours, right?
Ranger: No, it's one hour. At level 11 I'd have thought you'd grasp this by now.
Heard muttered in dwarfish: "Who decided to let an eladrin flake into the party, anyway?"

[Telok]

"So there's actual rules for therapy and regaining sanity. I'll let the demon have a moment of rationality for talking if you can get a quick success there. The first target number is eightly minus the current insanity points of the subject, but I don't do negative tns so that's zero. The next roll is against the insanity points, so that's a hundred, but extra successes from the first check carry over. Now, what's you social stats and skills?" "Never mind."

"The chase rules give you a bonus to running away rolls if you failed a fear check" "And one of the lines on that table is fainting for a d5 rounds. No thanks."

"We have all our arms and legs, and we aren't in the hospital for weeks. This trip was a success." "And I'm adding the insane murder demon to the random encounter table." "I didn't say it was an unqualified success."

[Persolus]

Tiefling Artificier You can't do that, that's cannibalism!
Elven Artificier No, it's piratism

[KorvinStarmast]

Voice heard in the middle of combat:" If you can't make your spells work, what good are you, bitch?"

================

DM: He breaks the steering board on your head.
Monk:This is just like martial arts practice back at the monastery

========================

Druid: "Hey look, I made the roll: the longship capsizes!"
{General hilarity ensues}

======================

[DigoDragon]

Here are some quotes I know one of you was hoping for.

Mwahaha, excellent. The last one had me grinning silly. :smallbiggrin:


Jennah: "Do you have a backstory?"
Sparks: "Both his parents didn't show up to his birth."

GM: "You have fifty +1 bolts."
Beau: "I have 51 bolts, got it."

Lily: "The door opens with Scooby snacks."

Sparks: "The baby was taken by a trio of hags."
Jerry: "I rather not talk about the underbelly of my father's side of the family."

Sparks: "Just for the record, I didn't know that bats could play charades."

Jerry: "Ehlonna runs the CIA?"

Jerry: "Love is like a river. Some people prefer to damn it up, but others will sail it freely."
Sparks: "I'm just hanging on to a log floating down that river as flotsam."
Jerry: "You don't know how accurate a metaphor that is."

Bronze dragon: "That blue half dragon of yours is an abomination."
Sparks: "Hey! Hey! Jennah is my friend."
Beau: "And a potential love interest when you finally polymorph into something with nerves."

Bronze dragon: "Did you not hear the story of the wizard who was more ambitious than wise?"
Lily: "That describes all wizards."
Sparks: "Fair cop."

[KorvinStarmast]

Number 1There are four more bunks, and four in the crew. Select your bunks.
Security Officer: What about the medic assigned to us by Starfleet, Doc Ronson?
Captain: He can sleep in sick bay.
Int Officer: I'll be happy to hot bunk with him.
Science Officer: Sleeping with someone isn't what hot bunking means.
Captain: *mutters* give me strength ...

[NRSASD]

Artillery expert: Good thing I bombed that orphanage, those children could have been hurt!

[DigoDragon]

Took a break from D&D and played Mice and Mystics today.

Tilda: "Can I pull the rat's tail out of the water?"
Filch: "Can the rat that owns the tail still be attached to it when you do?"

Nez: "Me and my hammer are gonna have a talk after this fight."
Maginos: "Well that conversation is gonna be one-sided. "

Filch: "You can take this cheese when you pry it from my cold dead paws!"

[KorvinStarmast]

War Mage: I think I messed up.
Monk: All I have to be is faster than you.

[Jay R]

DM (to player 1): What’s your alignment?
Player 2: Chaotic Chaotic.
DM: Chaotic Annoying.
DM’s wife (from next room): “Hold my beer.”

[SunsetWaraxe]

"What is the gestation period for rabid, dire squirrels...?"

[Telok]

"We forgot to bring breaching charges."
"Its a haunted house."
"You're right. Napalm would have been good enough."

[KorvinStarmast]

Druid: "Tell your men to stand down, or your patron gets it" (back stroking with tail, arm around the patron's chest, two claws at his throat)
Pirate Captain: "If you all piss off then we'll stand down."
Swashbuckler: "Kill that damned wizard! Our witch just buggered off with Claudio." (Throws Daggers)
Rogue (to DM): "I'm going to start looking for treasure" (goes underwater).

==================

Barbarian: Why did those guys think I'd want to be on their side?

==================

Rogue: I'll pick the lock -
Monk: We are under water. If you open that any documents inside will be ruined when the water rushes in.
Rogue: I have proficiency!
Monk: You can do that when we get back to dry land.

==================

Barbarian: OK, that was 44 total points of damage.
DM: The Swashbuckler is bloodied, and is reconsidering his life choices ...

=================

Monk: Hey, lookie here! Two sets of books. We know what his hobby was: cooking!
Town Council Member: Do you think that any merchant in this town doesn't have two sets of books?

==================

DM: ... and with that final blow, the helmsman's skull cracks open like a split coconut. Brains spill out into the water ...
Berserker: Did you guys see what she just did?

==================

Town Council Member: What happened to him? He looks dead.
Monk: He drowned.
Town Council Member: *raises eyebrow* Really?
Sorcerer: Well, he might have died from sickening radiance ...
Druid: (mutters) Yeah, he might have
Barbarian: (helpfully) ... and from falling into the water when the shipped capsized ...
Town Council Member: *Nods*

====================
Update from last night:

Warlock: You stand athwart a pile of ashes
Bard: Hey, fancy talk is my thing!

--------------
Update from Star Trek Game:

Captain: "What does a cosmic cockroach think about Coitus Interruptus being enforced by Star Fleet rejects? "

[Debatra]

"Passing out drunk and waking up with less money is normal. It is a little less normal to pass out drunk and wake up with more money."

"While you're deciding what to do with his pants, I'll be right back."

[DigoDragon]

"Passing out drunk and waking up with less money is normal. It is a little less normal to pass out drunk and wake up with more money."

I did this to a player once and they spent hours trying to figure it out. XD


Jennah: "What's the most haunted spot on this island?"
Beau: "Probably wherever the chick from Murder She Wrote is standing."

Beau: "How do the villagers feel about nonhumans?"
Sparks: "With their hands, right?"
Lily: *dope slaps Sparks*

Shu-Wing: "Your familiar doubles as an ascot?"

Sparks: "Your ascot is now a submersible."

GM: "The fisherman rolled a 10.
Sparks: "Ha! Not last place! …11."

Beau: "Do we want to leave the path for a few miles?"
Lily: "We have detoured for much stupider things."

Sparks: "We have a college dorm fridge worth of leftovers."

Jennah: "Help, call a cleric… but not for me!"

Beau: "Not knowing what it is hasn't stopped us before."

[KorvinStarmast]

“This one is lively for a dead one.”

[thorr-kan]

“This one is lively for a dead one.”
Ah, someone else saw that episode of Gordon Ramsey: Uncharted! (Rattlesnake. They chopped off the head, skinned it, and gutted it. It was still moving.)

"Can I rappel up the efreet?"

[HalfTangible]

"Wanna do something that would get us banned if we even mentioned it on an internet forum?"

[NRSASD]

"I don't know what mournful whips sound like."

"Okay, follow up idea: we soak our bedroll in the blood"

[Diachronos]

"You're almost as smart as me, which makes you one of the smartest people in the party. That's unfortunate."

"Dammit, Ian, the Geneva Convention isn't a checklist!"

[RustyArcana]

"We need Aquapope Blastoise!"

[NRSASD]

"Normally I'd agree with Holly, but I am honor bound to say that Samos's idea is a good one."

"You just need to accept the fact that your grandpa is a frog f****r and move on!"
"It could have been the tree who f****d that frog!"

[Telok]

Hard choices! I'm so happy!

[KorvinStarmast]

Ash: Is there room for me to drop a grenade?
GM: Yes, the lift is moving up slowly...
Ash: I drop a grenade on the thing with all of those heads.

======================

Karg: I have piloting skills. I'll fire up the shuttle and we'll fly off of this planet. **roll**: That went well....
GM: That failure causes you another point of stress.
Ash: It'll cause you to get fragged if you don't do that pilot **** and get us the freak outta here!

-------------------

Issa: I'm an android; do I have to stay in quarantine with the humans?
Karg: What, you don't want to participate in the two-week-long cribbage marathon?

[Xihirli]

From the pathfinder game

“Listen, I’m always down to bite an ankle, but I think there’s a few things we need to consider.” -Tilda

Etayne: The hags would know Vine.
GM: Well, it’s a literal vine.

Etayne: You’re dead! Get pranked bro
GM (as NPC): You weren’t looking! Your mom died!

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock to the burger meister: *light cantrip cast on a staff* Look, buddy, I am all about the light. Strahd? Not so much.

--------------------------

Warlock: Are there nuns in the Abbey?
Bard: Probably Monks.
Paladin: Probably nuns and monks.
Barbarian: That's how babies get made.

------------------------

Bard: We want to see our friend.
Guard: Why?
Bard: Because she's our friend.
Guard: Convince me.
Bard: Seriously?

[DigoDragon]

Barbarian: "The mashed potatoes just called us out."

[RustyArcana]

Player: "That's it! I am going to MARIO the floor!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: standing on the sands of an arena littered with foes Are you not entertained?
NPC: Not really. How about you show us what that 20 Charisma looks like without any clothes on?

-----------------------------------------------

Bard: Remember, the dwarf is flying, so he's up there, not down here with me.
DM: I didn't forget. That will be a DC 14 Dexterity save versus the Fireball.
Dwarf: *thud* Thanks for failing your concentration save, dude. :smallfurious:

[DigoDragon]

Lily: "You stuck-up... scruffy looking nerf herder!"
Smuggler: "Hey, who's scruffy looking?" :smallconfused:

Beau: "Wait, I rolled a nat-20?"
Sparks: "Selling your soul is finally paying off."

GM: "Slithis very quietly says out loud-"
Beau: "Hold up."

Sparks: "So Beau turned invisible and Jennah didn't see it?"

Joseph: "He's the party's designated ascot."

Lily: "How hurt are you?"
Sparks: "On a scale of 1 to 70, I feel like a 43."

GM: "Do you touch the door or the seam?"
Beau: "The door is not what it seems."
Sparks: "I cast Polymorph and make the door ajar."

Joseph: "That must have felt like French-kissing a light socket."
Beau: "No, that felt a bit different."

Sparks: "So this is what being a main character feels like."

Beau: "I cast Detect Nope."

Sparks: "I believe the scientific name for this is 'Icky'."

GM: "You don't know how the eyes in Tiamat's statue are glowing colors with your Darkvision."
Sparks: "Too bad. I'd love to copy this effect for our breakfast nook back home."

Lily: "Ehlonna, why?"
Ehlonna: "Because your companions are stupid."

[Xihirli]

Sophia's journeys continue!

(To the husband of an orc leader. For context, all of these orcs are were-people of different animals.)
Orc "What tribe do you hail from?"
Sophia: "Dragon's Take!"
His eyes widen for a second in fear.
Orc: "You're not a were-dragon, are you?"
Sophia: "No. Is name of town."
He's bored again.

Sophia: "Wait, do I know damn it in orcish?"
"For sure, you got the swear words first."

Sophia: "When did it become nighttime?"
Sophia's Orc Friend: "It's not nighttime. Your eyes are swollen shut."

[NRSASD]

Chester: wait, how many hit points do you have?
Clamantha: 12.
Agnes: at 3rd level?!?
Chester: what are you, made of noodles?!?

DM: a hand falls on your shoulder from behind and begins to give you a back massage.
Chester: Oooo, that feels good!
DM: You turn and see it is a severed arm, the shoulder ending in a bloody mess of tendons and flesh ribbons.
Chester: Don’t worry, it’s consensual!

DM: You have heard of several such “domains of dread” before: Barovia, Imnescar, Mt. Tahir, Paris.

[NRSASD]

Lily: "How hurt are you?"
Sparks: "On a scale of 1 to 70, I feel like a 43."

——
We literally say that all the time in our group!

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: "Ooh, baby, oooh baby, give me more, more, more!" Actually, minor illusion
Guard 1: Hmm, sounds like two people humping
Guard 2: Wish I were...
Mastiff Woof
Guard 3: I don't think that's an actual woman's voice.
Rogue(Sotto voce): Not working. (Draws sword)
-------------------------------------

[Jay R]

DM: You are not being fair to that toad. [Pause] Y'know, in 48 years of role-playing, I have never needed that sentence before.


DM: [later] I am not going to make you roll to kick the toad into the entangle field

[DigoDragon]

Sophia: "Wait, do I know damn it in orcish?"
"For sure, you got the swear words first."

LOL, learning the swear words first is an age old tradition. XD



We literally say that all the time in our group!

It's a fun way to annoy our GM a bit. :3

-----


Sparks: "Rolling dice is easy."
Beau: "I can't roll higher than a-"
Sparks: "All I said was, Rolling dice is easy."

Jerimiah: "Dwarven Rule of Acquisition #2- shoot first, profit later."
Sparks: "How... no, that actually makes sense."

Sparks: "The metal is at least worth its weight in... uh, metal."
Lily: "And he's the smart one."

Jennah: "I'm half-blue. He's half-wit."

Beau: "Sparks and Jennah can use this as a Honeymoon suite."
Jeramiah: "The bed's too small."
Beau: "Right. Leaving Tiamat's fun cave."

Jeramiah: "How long have you been here?"
Skeleton: "Is Gangnam Style still a thing?"

[Jay R]

Sophia: "Wait, do I know damn it in orcish?"
"For sure, you got the swear words first."

I write up all our adventures, usually in character. In one game, when the PCs met, my PC described one of them as follows:

"And there is a healer who calls himself Prost. I’m guessing he doesn’t know what “prosdt” means in Goblin."

[Xihirli]

LOL, learning the swear words first is an age old tradition. XD

"

Orc swear words being popular in other cultures is in the player’s handbook, even.

Pathfinder game!
Etayne: When you’re here you’re divorced AND dehydrated.

GM: we’re just going to make it gradually worse until you stop coming.

ETAYNE The ogre is still there, but now we have the spider MILF.
WILLOW: So all our problems are solved!
GM: I thinking someone just admitted they want to bang a spider.

ETAYNE: GM doesn’t get that reference because she hasn’t seen Shrek!
GM: I know *some* things about Shrek through cultural osmosis.

ETAYNE: 26.
GM: Thats the lowest anyone’s rolled all session.

GM: We can assume one of you fell on your ass in an amusing way at some point.

GM: You do know the name of the city.
Willow’s Player:…Willow does.

Etayne: Blood bending fox, I like it!
Tilda: Blood fox!

GM: The skulls inside remain dead.

[KorvinStarmast]

Mr Sane: "When you are investigating a space craft that is half submerged in molten lava, you don't want a complication"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "I have the high ground."
Dragon: *taps Beau on the shoulder*
Snoop Dogg: *Taps the dragon on the shoulder*

Lily: "I'm getting tetanus just by looking at it."

Coast Guard: "Identify yourselves and your business here."
Lily: "We're humble circus performers, on a pleasure cruise in eel-infested waters."

Beau: "She is deliciously different."
Jennah: "Okay, we need to have a talk later."
Sparks: "Well he's not wrong."
Jennah: "Two talks."

Jeremiah: "Prince would look at this guy's outfit and think it's too much collar."

Air Elemental: "I go underground like air through a tiny hole."
Sparks: "Ah. Understood. Burritos do that to me."

Beau: "I like big doors and I cannot lie."

Lily: "And knowing is half the battle."
Sparks: "Yeah, but we need the other half."
Beau: "G. I. D'ooh!"

[Telok]

PC: How long will the ape be out for?
GM: Given your knowledge of ten foot tall carnivorous albino cave gorillas from magically contaminated dungeons with time and space anomalies, two to eight hours.
PC: I want to clean out the **** cart and take him with us. I have a rank in animal handling. I'll make it a pet.
GM: So how does the four foot tall gnome heft it over his head into the cart?
PC: A couple boards for a ramp and a lever.
GM: ... Sure. It'll be hilarious. You cart the ape after a couple hours of cleaning and heaving.

GM: The random encounter dice are rolling like ****. Even with the screaming monkey on your head making me check in every single room they won't roll under a five.

GM: Thirty minion goups of goblins and morlocks in that fight last week and nothing rolled over a twenty-something. The giant mutant ape couldn't touch you. The first stirge swarm you run across and its rolling fifty plus to head shot you. Again. What the **** dice?
PC: I should get favored enemy in stirges after this.
GM: Other than friendly fire they're the only things here that have really hurt you.

[KorvinStarmast]

Rune Knight: Look, short stuff, you can summon all of the lava demons you want and I'm still gonna kick your butt.
Dwarf Cleric NPC: You shall be consigned to the fl - (begins rolling death saves)

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "No, he has pinching, but it's at the other end."

Beau: "No so clever as you think you are."
Sparks: "Are you talking to yourself?"
Beau: "Yes I am."

Smuggler: "Do you have a hero complex or are you just crazy?"
Beau: "Both?"
Sparks: "Both."
Beau & Sparks: "Both is good."

Butcher: "You weren't always like this?"
Sparks: "No, our elf's warranty expired."

Jennah: "We're a walking accident waiting for a place to happen."

Beau: "I'm a scroll man..." (trumpet sounds)

[KorvinStarmast]

Fighter (throwing dwarf NPC Champion into the pool of lava): "You can climb out and I'll throw you back in again, dude."
Dwarf: "Chumbawumba, dude!"
Monk: (activates jet pack and swoops in, plucking dwarf out of lava): "Sorry man, I just had to."
Fighter: "You do you, man. By the way: cool move!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: "We don't roll initiative, we roll another doobie!"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "I cast Eldritch Blast, and tack on a Nauseating effect."
Lily: "All. My. Friends. Love a spell rider."

Lily: "Rolling a die; 1s are even, 3s are odd."
Jennah: "...what?"

Sparks: "Okay, so it strips you of your dignity before sending you to the after life. Good to know."

Sparks: "Can you hit the warlock with one?"
Jeramiah: *unsheathes axe*
Sparks: "With a healing spell!"

Sparks: "They're like Jeanut Jutter and Jelly."
Beau: "Go home. You're drunk."

Jeramiah: "All in favor of running around and flailing like Kermit the frog?"

GM: "The amulet rears up and hisses at you like a cobra."
Sparks: "First, I prestidigitate my pantaloons."

Lily: "Was that four questions?"
Undead: "No, five." *dies*

Sparks: "Thanks for reminding my enemies that they're after me."

Beau: "None of my injuries are hit points."
Lily: "Emotional damage!"

Lily: "Can you leave your duties?"
Princess: "There in lies the rub."
Beau: "Right next to the pair o' ducks."

[PhoenixPhyre]

From the campaign notes: "There is a Tsun cultist for the kneecaps!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Rogue, in Salt Marsh: "What's up...dock?"
Barbarian: "They'll be hanging the pirate captain soon. Looks like a bigcrowd coming to watch this, and I am not sure they'll all fit.
Rogue: "Yeah, too much pier pressure"

============================

Trickery Cleric: "That bitch abandoned me."
Druid: "You chose your friends poorly"
Trickery Cleric: "True. I surrender."

==================

Rune Knight: "Yes, we saw a group who sound like that group you described - in the forest earlier today."
Ash: "What did you do to them?"
Rune Knight? "Us? Nothing. You'll note that we are on horseback, and your friends were on foot. I am sure they'll be along"
Ash (to her allies): "Kill them!"
Rune Knight: "I have advantage on deception checks, and she doesn't believe me. Well that stinks."
Druid: "Given that one of them was an arch druid, Ash probably knows that her ally could have used Tree Stride to get here ahead of us."
Rune Knight: "I guess it makes sense when you put it that way ..."