Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Debatra]

(OOC)
Ranger: Okay, I'm back. What'd I miss?
DM: I need you to make a reflex save.
Ranger: Why, what did [Cleric] do?
Cleric: Why do you assume it was me?
Ranger: Am I wrong?
Cleric: ...So my spell's DC is 17.

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: Nobody's Sexy in Barovia!
Bard: Except the hot lady vampires hanging upside down by the bridge.
Paladin: *glares at bard*

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Lady in the windmill: I am selling meat pies for a GP each.
Warlock: Do dead babies taste like chicken?
Paladin: *Bull rushes door, breaks it down*
DM: roll initiative...

[Xihirli]

Quotes from Sophia FINALE (for now)


"Here is where I would cast cure wounds if I was a cleric and I gave a ****."
"Sadly you are not a cleric and you don't give a ****. This mammoth is going to die."

Sophia: "Let me take the bloodiest position."
DM (Me): "... Okay."

Sophia: "Sure, but I can choose not to kill with my hammer."
NPC ORC: "I will remind you that in fifth edition, nonlethal damage just requires you land the finishing blow with a melee attack. That includes biting."
Sophia: "Kolvu, what the hell is fifth edition?"
NPC Orc: "I'm sorry, I think the gods just spoke through me."

DM (me): "She [wolf form Sophie] reaches out and puts her head on your hand. You sort of pet yourself. You can feel your hand on your face."
Sophia: "That's kind of weird."

[KorvinStarmast]

Rune Knight:I would like a Djinn amd Tonic
Monk Careful, that was a Djin and Catatonic
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Wizard's Mom: "So who is this that you're with? Are you dating."
Monk (stifling laughter): "Oh yes, yes they are... dating."
Druid: "Uh, wait, did we go official?"
Rune Knight: "Since you two always room together, how would anyone think otherwise?"
Druid: "I can't afford a wedding."
Rune Knight: "I have cash, so yes you can. But first we have this other quest we have to do ..."
Druid "Yes, let's put off this wedding talk until after that."
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Rune Knight: The plane of Ice and the plane of Rye Whiskey have a Rocky Relationship
---------------------------------
Monk: I swear to defend you from necrotic bacon attacks!
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Druid: Wheeee! We just jumped into the Well of Many Worlds
Monk: Hmm, looks like the plane of lava
Rune Knight: In the plane of lava, everyone's hot.
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Druid : There should not be ghosts on the elemental plains
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Monk: "I'll just punch this efreeti some more, because it's hilarious
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Wizard: We are conspicuously unmolested

EDIT:
From last night:

GM: "Looks like tonight's game has become Blades in the Dark: Cheech and Chong edition."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: Sitting next to the archmage is a (literally) radiant woman in plate armor. A two handed sword rests against her armored leg.
Monk: {whispers} Hmm, could be a deva or maybe a -
Rune Knight: Is she hot?
Druid: You are hopeless!

==============================

Archmage: What have you to offer me in trade? What exotic items to add to my collection?
Monk: Fang From A Stone Dragon, Bottle of Rainbow Whisky, Hippogriff feathers, A Runic helm and matching Dark iron gauntlets, two Chimera pelts, and a Drake skin
Archmage: Very nice. {Aloofly, to his minions} "Take all of their stuff and kill them"
Wizard: "Wait, don't we do that?"
Rune Knight: "Maybe he used to be an adventurer..."

==============================

Archmage: I think you'll be fighting on my side now. (casts dominate person)
Rune Knight: Not today, mister. (made the save) This cold steel is for you
(Yes, he's wielding a frostbrand...)

=============================

[Unoriginal]

PC A: "How long will PC B stay in that state?"
PC C: "The rest of his life, most likely."
Player D, out of character: "What? It can't be that long, the ability's backlash should be over in a short while."
Player C, out of character: "That's what [PC C] meant. She's rather pissed at his stupidity."

[Debatra]

Druid Player: Wait, we have a divine caster in the party? Who?
Literally Everyone Else at the Table, Simultaneously: You!

[Debatra]

"Does it count as cannibalism if I'm not Human?"

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: We weren't looking for a fight.
Barbarian: But we found one
Fighter(Dwarf): And we finished it.

[KorvinStarmast]

War Mage: I am not braggin' but I did it with a dragon'

==============

Druid: Shopping for a wedding gown, who do I consult with?
Monk: Here's a shop, Queer Eye for the Druid Girl...

===========

DM: As you approach the plaza you see a temple (think Roman Empire style) and people dressed in togas, or quite a bit less. The priestess has on a very revealing gown.
Rune Knight: When in Rome, do the Romans!

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Karg: Let's relieve some stress
Ash: I ordered up a six pack of hookers.
Karg: What's that gonna cost?
Ash: Who cares?
Karg: Fair point.
Ash: I could spend a week at this brothel.
Karg: As long as they have oysters ...

[Xapi]

My 8 int Barbarian: "Are those things or people?"

The party's bard: "I'll go talk to them"

My 8 int Barbarian after the animated doll guards attack the bard: "They were things! They must be broken!"

********

Later, as a murder of crows flies towards the old abandoned mill:

My 8 int barbarian: "Are crows things or people?"

The bard who has speak with animals prepared: "Ha, that's funny, I don't know."

[NRSASD]

Oz: Have you ever read the Graveyard of Empires?
Mitsy: No. I don't think I can read.
Oz: Yeah, I can't read either.

Holly: "Samos has already made a deal with the fae. Can it really get any worse?"
Mitsy & Mizuna: "YES"

"With great responsibility comes great risk of disease."

"God cop, bad cop!"

"The frog is her revenge body."

[KorvinStarmast]

War Mage: We are good at doing stupid things.
--------------------------
Druid: Our Monk is in a tentacle porn video.
--------------------------
Monk: I fly out using my jet pack.
Rune Knight: Thanks for the damage from your flaming exhaust.

[Kardwill]

Gadgeteer PC : Can I disassemble this powerful weapon to rebuild it into a less powerful, less precise one?
GM : Sure. You need a proper workshop, an assistant, all of the party's money, and probably miss the next adventure. AND it will be clunky and unreliable
Gadgeteer : Totally worth it!

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: "I'm still mad about being woken up by someone who was trying to kill me."

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Dr Ronson: "We just killed a venus flytrap in space. Yeah!"

[HalfTangible]

GM: "4 or 5 of the women are conventionally attractive, another 4 or 5 are unconventionally attractive, another 5 are okay, and Susan. We don't talk about Susan."

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: should I leave the rest of the party behind? Yes. Step of the wind, and through the portal!
Druid: Running I am, just not as fast as the Monk. Firecat, teleport Rune Knight to the portal.
War Mage: How did you slow that clay golem down?
Rune Knight: Ice. I'm leaving, you can keep talking to the clay golem if you like.

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DM: The tree, as you come out of the portal, seems to have changed. It is still incredibly tall, but now it is made out of stone.
Rune Knight: Let's climb it to the top and see what we find.
Monk/War Mage/Druid(in unison): Let's not, and say we did.

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King: If you all handle that problem to the south, the one that is triggering all of these refugees heading north, I can offer you one of those two abandoned estates.
War Mage: Abandoned estates?
King: We confiscated the lands due to their treason. You can have the title/patent of nobility if you take over an estate.
Monk: I'd rather not have a noble title.
Rune Knight: I'll be happy to take on the patent of nobility/title.
War Mage: How did I know he'd say that?

---------------------------------------------

Priestess: I like you enough to move out of Mom and Dad's house, and move in with you.
Monk: I mostly wander/travel/adventure; I don't have a home, so nowhere to move in to.
Priestess: I can fix that. Mom and dad are royalty; they can get us a house.
Monk: *Step of the wind* The only way she catches me is with wind walk ... and I don't think she's a druid.

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Barbarian: I knock down the door (rolls a 20)
Bard: Aah, the old Barbarian Lock Picking Skill!

[Xihirli]

Pathfinder game:

Willow the witch, with her familiar, has been trying to put together a comedy routine.
NPC: Love the energy, thank you for pitching this. Is um... is it part of the joke that the fox is leaking blood?
Willow: No, that's just what she does.

Etayne: I need a reason to not be here right now, so I’m going to go pretend to do something.

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: The lady next door doesn't seem to like us.
Barbarian: She wants us to get off of her lawn and his lawn.
Warlock: Clintonia Eastwood.

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Cleric: You say the accountant is well dressed?
Clothier: Yes. He does our books about once per quarter, sometimes he orders a new suit.
Cleric: A well-dressed accountant - didn't see that one coming.

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Herr Wachter: Did you kill Strahd yet?
Bard: No, not yet.
Frau Wachter: We need to stop him from coming into the house again.
Bard: Wait, did he already Meet the Wachters?
Warlock: No signs of Robert DeNiro...
Cleric: No cat milking allowed!

-------------------

Dr Ronson: I fixed the broken leg of a baby space monkey.

[Necroticplague]

"You seem to believe that might makes right. Ergo, my point will be best made over your dead body."

[Kardwill]

Elf : I wonder what this magic ring does. Do I jump higher?
GM : Nope.
Elf : Maybe protection? Bouffu, hit me!
Dwarf (grinning) : Really? Okay, (roll) 19 to hit, 9 points of damage.
Elf : "NOT WITH YOUR MAGESLAYER AXE!"
Dwarf : If an elf asks you to hit them, you have to do it properly.
GM : As a silver lining, you noticed the ring was glowing just before the axe hit your face. Record a ring of protection +1.
Elf : Nifty. Still, owwww.

[KorvinStarmast]

GM: On the tera raptor's turn, he knocked you down and tore a hole in your space suit. Your defensive move was to kick at him; you just kicked a tera raptor in his junk.
Dr Sane: I think you'll just make him mad.
Dr Ronson: I'll crawl away and patch up the space suit.
Dr Sane: Thanks. I now have an angry tera raptor in my face.

Rune Knight: I was not ready for dragon mutual butt sniffing tonight.

[DigoDragon]

Lily: "What kind of resistances does it have?"
Jeremiah (stabbing it in the tentacle): "It doesn't have dagger resistance."

Sparks: "Good thing I remembered to put Electrical resistance on the party before I did that."
Lily: "Would have been a shocking turn of events otherwise."

GM: "So the floor feels spongy to you."
Beau (hovering in the air): "What floor?"
Sparks: "Okay. so for us plebeians who can't fly, sponge floor."

Beau: "This suck of hit points brought to you by..."

Sparks: "We're in the middle of a murder dungeon, and our cleric is touching grass."
Beau: "Can you blame her?"
Sparks: "No, I'm actually jealous."

Sparks: "Alright, I whip out my bison."
Jennah: "Oh myyy."

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: Looks like a drug distribution center.
War Mage: And they are shipping it to your country. (Gestures to Rune Knight)
Rune Knight: Burn it to the ground. All of it.
Monk: Wait. Where will the folks who the mind flayers enslaved go?
Rune Knight: There are barrels of beans and rice in that warehouse over there.
As I said, burn this to the ground.
Druid: Sets fire to the building.
Rune Knight: Now let's go and find that elder brain...

====================

Druid: casts Commune. I get three questions, right?
DM: Yes.
Druid: Can we defeat all of those cities and towns where the mind flayers have the populace under their thumbs?
Response: You can try.
War Mage: There's this old elven library that I need to do some research in, see you guys later ...

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: This looks like a drug distribution center.
War Mage: (looks at Rune Knight) And they are shipping it to your country.
Rune Knight: Burn it to the ground. All of it.
Monk: Wait, we just freed these people from Mind Flayers; where will they live?
Rune Knight: Wherever they can find shelter and food. The other warehouse is full of rice and beans.
Burn it to the ground.
Druid: OK. (casts the bonfire cantrip).