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Pipquake
2019-04-14, 10:47 PM
"The medusa casts meld into stone."
"How many hit points do you have?"
"The gith rolled a 20."
"rolls oof..."
"How are you opening the chest?"
"<enter spellcaster here> counters your feather fall"
"Roll a d100 please."
"The hag casts planeshift, and she hits. Roll a Charisma save."
"The ring won't come off."
"I need an app to roll this, one second."

Please let me know if I missed any.

2D8HP
2019-04-14, 10:49 PM
Now exactly where are you standing?

Rynjin
2019-04-14, 11:03 PM
"Anybody remember what page the rules for underwater combat are on?"

Tanarii
2019-04-14, 11:15 PM
"Are you sure?"

FaerieGodfather
2019-04-14, 11:16 PM
"Welcome to my Magical Realm."

noob
2019-04-14, 11:26 PM
(anything) feels sticky to the touch.
Any description (everything is made of mimics and doppelgangers hybridized with other monsters but it is rarely said in any description)
You run out of ammo (nevermind the 5 different sources of infinite ammo you have(there is probably an invisible thief))
Let me check my notes.
Any lack of description (you are probably suffocating in a featureless airless space)

Telok
2019-04-15, 02:07 AM
"Hand me the dice bucket, I need more D sixes for this"

"You what? Really?"

"You have a backup character right?"

TheTeaMustFlow
2019-04-15, 02:58 AM
"What's your passive perception again?"

"Could you all roll me a d20? No modifiers, just the roll."

"...hmm, that's interesting..."

BWR
2019-04-15, 03:30 AM
Some actual quotes.

"The good news is you're stable at -9 hp. The bad news is you're grappled by an elder black pudding."
"You manage to quell the storm that threatened to destroy your ship, but now Poseidon is angry with you."
In VtM "The Prince smiles as he asks you for a 'small favor'"
Also VtM "It's high noon when an enraged mokole shatters the door to your sanctuary."

Khedrac
2019-04-15, 03:47 AM
Call of Cthulhu:
"Before I describe what's in the roo, everyone roll a San check."

3.5 D&D:
"Now where are the rules for grappling?"

Any system:
"You are all on full health, right?"

comk59
2019-04-15, 04:05 AM
"Hmm. Good to know. Good. To. Know." *proceeds to write something in notebook, and then proceeds with game as if nothing happened*

Malphegor
2019-04-15, 04:33 AM
Cyberpunk Call of Cthluhu- "You start seeing visual glitches in your display"

(Seriously cyberpunk setting call of cthulhu ranges from 'yeah we're badass future-punks' to 'oh god every horrifying nightmarish reaitywarping scene in the Matrix trilogy while fighting Missingno')

D&D, after a major fight: "oh, wait, you're not meant to face that many... ah well, you won, so... uh... yay?"

D&D, in a fight against a group of young dragons: "Wait. You're meant to face 2, not 3." <removes a dragon who is the one we spent most of our time wounding>

Any time we encounter the fey: "Surely you would not refuse food from us as your host? Surely you do not wish to offend us?" (If he can get away with saying that without the session breaking down into 'don't call me shirley' jokes)

The Insanity
2019-04-15, 05:28 AM
"I'm breaking up with you."

DigoDragon
2019-04-15, 05:31 AM
"I saw [name of D&D podcast group] do an awesome scene this way. You are going to love it."

Misereor
2019-04-15, 05:42 AM
Paraphrased real life game experiences.
- "Player A. Could I talk to you alone in the next room for a minute?"
- "Hold on a second! You have to wait for me to finish my villanous exposition, followed by an unavoidable surprise attack that your characters totally didn't see coming!"
- "The adventure doesn't say what happens if you do that, so you're going to have to think of something else."
- <Uncomfortably and sexually explicit narration, involving your character, a psychotic Hamster, the Heat Metal spell, and numerous violations of the Geneva Convention>
- "Upon closer examination, it appears to be a Deck of Many Things..."
- "I'm introducing a new house rule!"

Zhorn
2019-04-15, 05:46 AM
"I'm breaking up with you."
That's rough, buddy :smallfrown:

hymer
2019-04-15, 05:53 AM
Often, it's just a particular emphasis, along these lines:

"So you stay in the room while the rogue disarms the trap?"
"Does that mean you touch the doorhandle?"
"Basically you admit the whole thing?"
"And that would mean going into the room, hang on..."

Themrys
2019-04-15, 06:05 AM
Ah, I wish I was still afraid of DMs setting dangerous monsters on the PCs. DM asking about the rules for underwater combat? Sounds like fun!


Here's what I heard (paraphrased) and never want to hear again:

"Your female fighter character swapped bodies with the male wizard. He now has your strength and his magic and you have ... uh, nothing. Also, he wants to go take a bath."

"I had to get rid of your character's love interest before she could achieve her goal of marrying him. He would never have let his little wifey go on adventures, haha. He's now a RealMan(TM) because I changed his entire character. Also, unbeknownst to your character, he was dosed with a love potion by her rival. Which is totally not rape."

(Setting in which orcs are canonically a misogynist rape culture. Which I explicitly told DM I wanted absolutely nothing to do with about a year before he did this) "You wake up in bed next to a male orc. Looks like you had sex with him You are now a female orc. Also, you lost your magic. Have fun." Same DM later: "I asked a female friend whether she liked this idea and she said yes. So it is totally not misogynist or offensive in any way."

King of Nowhere
2019-04-15, 07:02 AM
"because of real life issues, i cannot keep playing with you guys. I'm sorry"

really, i never had bad experience at the table, and even character death is only a nuisance in the long run. this is the only thing I'd really not want to hear.

Personally, the worst that I sprung on my players was
"About a couple weeks later, every female pc in the party discovers she's pregnant. I don't want to inquire in your character's sexual life, but you are all sure it didn't happen naturally"
(there was a druid who decided that the only goal in life was to leave as much offspring as possible, according to evolution, and so he researched spells to do it in bulk. this was the worst plot hook I ever used. I trusted my table to not take it too badly)

Themrys
2019-04-15, 07:08 AM
Personally, the worst that I sprung on my players was
"About a couple weeks later, every female pc in the party discovers she's pregnant. I don't want to inquire in your character's sexual life, but you are all sure it didn't happen naturally"
(there was a druid who decided that the only goal in life was to leave as much offspring as possible, according to evolution, and so he researched spells to do it in bulk. this was the worst plot hook I ever used. I trusted my table to not take it too badly)


I really hope your group was all male players. That's the only way I can imagine someone not taking this badly. :smalleek:

Kurald Galain
2019-04-15, 07:58 AM
"Are you sure?"

This, very much.

Hunter Noventa
2019-04-15, 08:07 AM
"The <insert size Large or greater monster here> grapples you."

Kaptin Keen
2019-04-15, 08:50 AM
Twice, I've done something so unfortunate that my GM didn't say anything at all. Instead, he deeply furrowed his brow, and quietly thought for awile.

The first time I triggered an explosion in the magic crystal holding aloft a sky castle - which would have killed the entire party, no matter how the dice fell. And the second I did a convoluted version of portable hole in a bag of holding, triggering (yes, again) a giant explosion that would have killed the entire party no matter how the dice fell.

So for me, nothing at all is worst.

In case anyone is curious: The first time the party was transported to Ravenloft - and the second, my character was sucked straight into Nine Hells.

Imbalance
2019-04-15, 09:19 AM
"In this campaign we'll venture off the beaten path a bit so that I can introduce you to my fanfic tribute homebrew setting. Welcome to Twin Peaks."

Friv
2019-04-15, 10:13 AM
"Uhhh......."

Arbane
2019-04-15, 10:30 AM
"Do you touch it with your right and, or your left?"


(Setting in which orcs are canonically a misogynist rape culture. Which I explicitly told DM I wanted absolutely nothing to do with about a year before he did this) "You wake up in bed next to a male orc. Looks like you had sex with him You are now a female orc. Also, you lost your magic. Have fun." Same DM later: "I asked a female friend whether she liked this idea and she said yes. So it is totally not misogynist or offensive in any way."

:smallfurious:

And some people wonder why this hobby has a longstanding stereotype of repelling women. I hope you never played with that jerk again.

Quertus
2019-04-15, 11:04 AM
"I forgot to bring the module - I'll just wing it"

"Nobody died? (Incredulous / disappointed tone)"

"Oops, I did that wrong - we'll have to replay the whole last session."

"I don't allow..."

"I've invited my SO to join us."

"4e was the best edition ever, so I've made some house rules to make the game play more like that."

"You will refer to me as 'god'."

"I have a very high player turnover rate."


"I'm breaking up with you."

Any IRL drama involving multiple people at the table is bad news.


- "I'm introducing a new house rule!"

Yup, definitely up there for worst things ever.


"About a couple weeks later, every female pc in the party discovers she's pregnant. I don't want to inquire in your character's sexual life, but you are all sure it didn't happen naturally"
(there was a druid who decided that the only goal in life was to leave as much offspring as possible, according to evolution, and so he researched spells to do it in bulk. this was the worst plot hook I ever used. I trusted my table to not take it too badly)

In Marvel, mutation is inherited from the father. Best mutation, from a Darwinian PoV? Ranged/AoE fertilization.

Themrys
2019-04-15, 11:24 AM
And some people wonder why this hobby has a longstanding stereotype of repelling women. I hope you never played with that jerk again.

I told him he was no longer welcome at my house. (Yeah, I hosted. So even if our group hadn't been down to two players at this point, he would have had to find a new place to play.) That one was the last straw. There was a bunch of red flags on the way (the weird **** with my char's love interest was also this guy) which I somehow ignored because ... I have no idea why, in retrospect.

Fortunately, by now there are enough women into pen&paper rpgs that one can choose to play with other women only, so the hobby itself doesn't repel women any longer.

I wonder whether that sort of jerk wonders why there's no women in his group and why he can't find a girlfriend, or if he just complains that modern women won't put up with his nonsense.

The Kool
2019-04-15, 11:32 AM
*while facing a monster bigger than you* "Roll grapple."

*pauses to consider what you've just done, checks notes* "Oh. Uhm. Hrm. Ahh..... well then." *Looks back at players with a grim expression*

[basically any request for clarification on some small detail, like positioning]

All of these I have done. My crowning achievement: "Oh wow, this guy hits hard..."

Pyron
2019-04-15, 11:40 AM
*DM after re-reading a paragraph in the book, to clarify the rules for something about to happen to the character*

"Oh, that's cruel!"

Which actually happened to me once.

hotflungwok
2019-04-15, 12:03 PM
"Hahahahahhahahhahaaa... No."
/reads monster description "Really? Oh dear."

"So am I dead?"
"Um, is there a word that means 'deader than dead'?"

Cygnia
2019-04-15, 12:21 PM
"Hold on, I need more dice..."

The Kool
2019-04-15, 12:23 PM
"Hold on, I need more dice..."

If players hear that from me, they know it's Doom Time. I keep a lot on the table...

Tanarii
2019-04-15, 01:36 PM
"I saw [name of D&D podcast group] do an awesome scene this way. You are going to love it."
Yeah, i wouldn't sign up to play with any DM that admitted to watching or listeing to RPG 'casts

Rynjin
2019-04-15, 01:51 PM
"because of real life issues, i cannot keep playing with you guys. I'm sorry"

really, i never had bad experience at the table, and even character death is only a nuisance in the long run. this is the only thing I'd really not want to hear.

Personally, the worst that I sprung on my players was
"About a couple weeks later, every female pc in the party discovers she's pregnant. I don't want to inquire in your character's sexual life, but you are all sure it didn't happen naturally"
(there was a druid who decided that the only goal in life was to leave as much offspring as possible, according to evolution, and so he researched spells to do it in bulk. this was the worst plot hook I ever used. I trusted my table to not take it too badly)

Easy fix; have it impregnate the male characters too.

"What? It's Druid magic. They're into some weird ****."

One I get a lot of mileage out of but nobody ever seems to listen to: "So you're reading that book?"

Look it's not my fault Sepia Snake Sigil is a low level CRB spell that, logically, anybody who wants to protect the contents of a book would cast on it. Stop making me removing your character from the game for like 2 in-game weeks. I did introduce a houserule that Break Enchantment busts people out of it at least, since by RAW there's no fix besides waiting it out.

Malphegor
2019-04-15, 02:38 PM
“The tentacle rises from the water and grips your leg”

“You feel like you’re being followed. Spot checks.”

King of Nowhere
2019-04-15, 03:21 PM
I really hope your group was all male players. That's the only way I can imagine someone not taking this badly. :smalleek:

there is a woman, but i know her enough and, as expected, she did not take it too badly. I also added that abortion was an option.

on the other hand, a male character was once chained to a wall by his male attributes, and told that he was free to leave at his wishes. that's actually the official penalty for demanding freedom in the nation of despotonia. on the plus side, the main cathedral of hextor (god of tyranny) was in the city, and they definitely had clerics high enough level to sell regeneration at a modicum price. despotonians believe in unequal justice: what is a permanent menomation for a poor is a temporary pain and a mild fee for a rich.

now you may be getting all kind of weird ideas about my campaign, but those were actually isolated episodes, and not the usual routine. in fact, in three years of playing, those are the only two episodes that directly touched upon the sexuality of the characters, plus a handful of other mentions of sexuality in other characters. the only times i do so it is because it serves the plot in some way or as a minor piece of characterization.

really, though, I don't see why the inclusion of sexual material must automatically be equated to sexism and/or misoginy. Now, in the case you describe regarding your experience, that is actually the case, it sounds like the DM wanted to have some power/control fantasy on you. But just because of some bad cases of people using it for fetish fuel, it doesn't have to always be bad.
As a rule of thumb, I consider that kind of material bad only if someone delves too much into descriptions.

to make another example from my campaign, I established that the high priest of hextor is a woman, and she is a sadomaso dominatrix, because it's practically required by her religion and rank. But I never delved into it. She has been a recurring villain for over one year, and the only time i mentioned it to the players is when they were looking for information on her, and I gave them a bunch of bio, and among them was written "she is a sadomaso dominatrix" in no more detail that that. I also never described her physically, but she's a woman in her sixties, so there's not much chance for fanservice. it's just a random little piece of characterization.


Easy fix; have it impregnate the male characters too.

"What? It's Druid magic. They're into some weird ****."

You know what? i never considered it, but it would have been a good idea. too late for that now.

FaerieGodfather
2019-04-15, 03:27 PM
Easy fix; have it impregnate the male characters too.

There are a number of reasons that I would vehemently dispute that making the violation equal-opportunity makes it in any way better.

If you know with absolute certainty that everyone at the table is going to be cool with it, this sort of thing can be really cool.

But it's also one of those things where you'd absolutely better be right.

DuctTapeKatar
2019-04-15, 03:57 PM
Easy fix; have it impregnate the male characters too.



I would have made it right into a JoJo's Bizzare Adventure Reference. Because why not? (https://jojo.fandom.com/wiki/Empress")


I think that the worst thing a DM can say to the player is "Are you sure?" Just because it makes people feel uncertain about their actions, though you can usually tell if they are just messing with your head.

Themrys
2019-04-15, 04:05 PM
There are a number of reasons that I would vehemently dispute that making the violation equal-opportunity makes it in any way better.

If you know with absolute certainty that everyone at the table is going to be cool with it, this sort of thing can be really cool.

But it's also one of those things where you'd absolutely better be right.

Yeah. I could see this working in either an all male or an all female group.

An all female group that signed up for a cathartic "you are going to have to deal with everything real world patriarchy does to you, but you also get to kick it in the butt!" quest and where everyone agreed that sexual violence was okay if it wasn't graphic.


I mean, I could see the humour in having a male anti-choicer's character get pregnant (not that it is likely I'd play with such a person in the first place), but if you spring this on a female player without warning, there's a pretty high risk that she has gone through unwanted pregnancy, possibly even pregnancy by rape, had to have an abortion and has to re-live everything just because of your plot idea. And that's just horrid.

Hell, even if that's not the case - you may get an inexperienced new player who doesn't want to rock the boat to shrug it off if you immediately mention that safe abortion via herbs or magic is not only an option but the expected outcome. But if one of your players is a woman who has really strong feelings about abortions, isn't an anti-choicer but has made it her personal choice to not have an abortion, it would be nasty to have her roleplay having an abortion or give birth to the baby of an evil druid.

And of course, I myself, although I have never had to deal with unwanted pregnancy, and am not opposed to having an abortion, would just run for the hills because at this point, I have wisened up and would likely run at the first sign of danger without even waiting for the DM to explain how he totally doesn't intend this to end in forced pregnancy and totally didn't mean to make the female players uncomfortable.

In short: To women, unwanted pregnancy is not some fun wacky thing that only happens in fiction, it is a thing that is very likely to happen in real life. You ought to take that into consideration with such plot ideas. People rarely play fantasy rpgs to re-live their own reality.

Arbane
2019-04-15, 04:21 PM
"So, we're using these fumble rules I found on the internet..."

Quertus
2019-04-15, 04:34 PM
Yeah, i wouldn't sign up to play with any DM that admitted to watching or listeing to RPG 'casts

Really? I mean, I might back away slowly, careful not to make any sudden movements in the scenario where they said that they thought that they were *good*, but I don't think that's the same as just watching them.

Sorta like how LotR may be a great story, but it would probably make a terrible game. So I wouldn't hate on someone for liking the series, but I might for wanting to base a game on them.

Cygnia
2019-04-15, 04:35 PM
"Your character gets sex-changed and then raped. No saving throw." :smallfurious:

Quertus
2019-04-15, 04:45 PM
People rarely play fantasy rpgs to re-live the worst parts of their own reality.

FTFY. :smallwink:

Personally, if I didn't view Transhumanity* as death + Mindrape, I would look forward to body-swapping tech, to be able to know what so many things (including pregnancy) are like.

* as implemented in RPGs, at least

EDIT:
"Your character gets sex-changed and then raped. No saving throw." :smallfurious:

I'm not sure getting a save makes this much better, tbh. :smalleek:

Segev
2019-04-15, 04:45 PM
"And then Mary Sue's mother arrives on scene, her presence a melifluous balm upon all the senses... [insert more purple prose to (dis)taste]"

"17 on Perception? You don't notice anything out of the ordinary."

"He doesn't seem to be lying."

"Who was carrying the light source, again?"

"Roll Navigation." (This one's a personal issue; my character in a game has a 73% chance to succeed, but has failed more than 50% of the time he's been asked to make this particular roll. "Hilarity" usually ensues.)


I mean, I could see the humour in having a male anti-choicer's character get pregnant
Speaking as a pro-life male, if I had a character wind up pregnant, and I were playing her with my morality, she'd want to carry the baby to term. If she shared my morality. If she didn't, it'd be about what the character would do. If that disrupts the GM's game, that's on the GM at that point. If we get into mpreg, that's still a life, and any PC who shared my morality would consider it such, but I may have other issues and questions about the GM and whether I want to play with him.

To be fair, though, springing unwanted pregnancies on PCs is generally a yellow flag, at the very least; that is the kind of thing you discuss with the player, or at LEAST give fair warning is a possible consequence of choices they're making in game.

King of Nowhere
2019-04-15, 05:08 PM
To be fair, though, springing unwanted pregnancies on PCs is generally a yellow flag, at the very least; that is the kind of thing you discuss with the player, or at LEAST give fair warning is a possible consequence of choices they're making in game.

I am aware of the issues. I would have never dared to try it with people that I hadn't known since I was a kid.

Joeytechno
2019-04-15, 05:35 PM
"Oh, so you made a back up character, good..."

Pex
2019-04-15, 06:15 PM
"I want to try a new house rule."

"In the room are thousands of coins from platinum to copper, but you don't have anything to carry them in."

"Because I said so."

"I don't care."

Actual quote: "I'm a DM who believes players should never get what they want."

"I have to cancel the game."

"I'm ending the campaign."

redwizard007
2019-04-15, 07:04 PM
Hey, guys. Let's go back to 3.5

Quertus
2019-04-15, 07:11 PM
Hey, guys. Let's go back to 3.5

What's wrong with 3.5? Why not "let's go back to Becmi"?

And while we're on the topic, "let's go back to 1st level". :smallyuk:

redwizard007
2019-04-15, 07:13 PM
What's wrong with 3.5? Why not "let's go back to Becmi"?

And while we're on the topic, "let's go back to 1st level". :smallyuk:

I was going to pick on 4th. Figured I could make the same joke without beating a dead horse. (Also, it's old. Ewww.)

Tohron
2019-04-15, 08:33 PM
Sorta like how LotR may be a great story, but it would probably make a terrible game.

Off topic, but this post demands a certain response:
https://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=612

Tanarii
2019-04-15, 11:17 PM
Sorta like how LotR may be a great story, but it would probably make a terrible game. So I wouldn't hate on someone for liking the series, but I might for wanting to base a game on them.Okay, that's fair. I think my reaction stems from disliking the vast majority of game styles for online streamed etc RPG gaming. I wouldn't want to play in any of the big name ones.

Misereor
2019-04-16, 05:00 AM
There are a number of reasons that I would vehemently dispute that making the violation equal-opportunity makes it in any way better.

"I know some of you had concerns about the whole involuntary impregnation ting, and for reasons of campaign secrecy I couldn't give you the whole story. Luckily, seeing as you all missed your saves, I can now reveal that it wasn't a sexist thing at all, and that the unclean spawn of Yoggoth have just left your bodies by burrowing through your rib cages. I hope that makes everyone feel at ease again."

The Kool
2019-04-16, 07:20 AM
Off topic, but this post demands a certain response:
https://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=612

Darn, beat me to it.

Segev
2019-04-16, 10:22 AM
I am aware of the issues. I would have never dared to try it with people that I hadn't known since I was a kid.

That's fair. There's a lot you can do with people you know well and where there's mutual trust and understanding that you can't do with relative strangers. If nothing else, if you mess up with people you know well, it's just a game and you can all be mature about discussing how you messed up and fixing it. And if they're all okay with it or trust you and you're not abusing that trust, no problem either. I'm assuming it's the latter in your case, since the game seems to have gone fine.

We do tend to speak assuming generalities, including groups who may or may not know each other or everyone in them, in this forum.

Gluteus_Maximus
2019-04-16, 03:48 PM
Now exactly where are you standing?

If this was the kind of forum that had likes and dislikes, this would be a "like".

And on the subject of the thread I relish the moment the DM says a Tarrasque flies down from the sky because we can just run away from that, and when the DM says rocks fall because I have Contingency: Resilient Sphere up at all times to trigger when I say "oh crap". What I really never want to hear from my DM is that... I can't think of anything.

LordCdrMilitant
2019-04-16, 04:00 PM
"Somebody call high or low!"

"Who's unlucky today?"

"You hear the clank of metal boots."

"The tank notices you."

"Is <what you just proposed doing> what you're doing?"

2D8HP
2019-04-16, 05:23 PM
....People rarely play fantasy rpgs to re-live their own reality.


So much this!

Which reminds me of something I wouldn't want to hear a DM say:

"We'll be explorer 'mature themes'"

Yeah, that's a NOPE!


What's wrong with 3.5? Why not "let's go back to Becmi"?

And while we're on the topic, "let's go back to 1st level". :smallyuk:


Start at first level using BECMI rules?

Sure, I"m down with that jam!


If this was the kind of forum that had likes and dislikes, this would be a "like"..


Thanks G_M! :smile:

Lord Torath
2019-04-16, 08:52 PM
Here's one for JAL_1138:

You wake up and find yourself on a ship with no land in sight.

The Kool
2019-04-16, 08:58 PM
Players: "Alright yeah so we'll just do X, Y, Z. Tomorrow-"
DM: "Hold on... Okay, so right after X.a..."

Arbane
2019-04-16, 10:55 PM
"You found a Deck of Many Things!"

"So, this is going to be a low-magic D&D game..."

Telok
2019-04-16, 11:29 PM
"The first boat?" ... "The very first boat with crew. Are you sure?" ... "You waited until now to ask the name of the boat?" ... "It's The Minnow. You're expected to pay for the three hour tour package."

FaerieGodfather
2019-04-16, 11:32 PM
"You found a Deck of Many Things!"

"So, this is going to be a low-magic D&D game..."

And if you're really lucky, these will occur in two different games.

Potato_Priest
2019-04-17, 12:04 AM
"Could I look at your DMG for a second?"

especially if followed by

"What page are the siege weapons on?"

noob
2019-04-17, 01:40 AM
"Could I look at your DMG for a second?"

especially if followed by

"What page are the siege weapons on?"
counts also for the thread "things you never want to hear a player say"

The Kool
2019-04-17, 11:54 AM
"So, this is going to be a low-magic D&D game..."

I have wanted to make a low-magic game work well for a long time. I once ran a short campaign with no magic, actually (and it wasn't half bad). The trick (for low magic) is to run E6.

Scripten
2019-04-17, 12:04 PM
"So, this is going to be a low-magic D&D game..."

I'm doing this myself in a few weeks, after prep is done. Told my players that it was going to be low-magic (for them), high lethality, and completely unbalanced/unfair, in an attempt to keep the party small.

It didn't work.

Dire Moose
2019-04-17, 12:08 PM
“So you’re just going to walk down the corridor?” (typically with big smile on face)

I said this to a fighter who was trying to find the rest of the party in a waterlogged dungeon. He walked of a sudden drop-off while wearing full plate and drowned.

Guizonde
2019-04-17, 01:25 PM
"you broke my plot in half. i need a few minutes."

"that didn't happen. i know it did, but i refuse to believe it did."

"roll luck."

"oh, crap."

"that wasn't meant to play out like that."

"sorry i forgot you had such a low movement speed. too bad for you."

"the guards are lubing up their truncheons. i'm going easy on you guys."

*graphic and lurid details of an imagined forced romantic encounter between an unwilling pc and an npc*

different dm's said those things. i'm kind of proud to be responsible for the first two, though. one involved bypassing a dungeon by befriending an encounter, the other one involved smoking a live lizard in a hammock made of poison ivy on a deathworld... and surviving 6 hours like it was a tourist beach resort. that was a crazy survival roll after my character got dosed with the 40k equivalent of lsd.

now, something i never want to hear players or dm's say is:"i know how girls are, i can totally roleplay them correctly!" that's about as big as a red flag as i can imagine to pinpoint the deviant basement dwelling weirdo in a crowd. i also outright quit a game session one time when a weirdo i knew came to the table with basically amounted to a nymphomaniac stripper-bimbo rogue/sorceror mary sue specialized in domination spells and the handle rope skill. it may have been for a silly one-shot, but even the dm flinched when he heard the character description. the rest of the group was a loin-cloth wearing barbarian, a wizard in a pointy hat, totally not king arthur, and a catholic priest filling the role of the (evil-aligned) cleric. from what the dm told me later, the weirdo tried to seduce the rest of the group, tried to seduce the innkeeper, got thrown in jail for sollicitation, and tried to seduce the bailiff with a highly detailed strip-tease before the dm called it quits. what was meant to be a fetch quest became a fetish quest centered on the weirdo. he is banned from all the rpg circles i know.

FaerieGodfather
2019-04-17, 01:46 PM
Only reason I ever play a female PC is to play an exotic race and tell a male PC "I am the female of my species, like you."

I enjoy this way more than I should.

As a DM, my female NPCs are... unterrible, but I wouldnt boast about them.

SirGraystone
2019-04-17, 01:56 PM
he hits you and I'll need more dice

Themrys
2019-04-17, 02:32 PM
now, something i never want to hear players or dm's say is:"i know how girls are, i can totally roleplay them correctly!" that's about as big as a red flag as i can imagine to pinpoint the deviant basement dwelling weirdo in a crowd.

Yeah, well, all the (two) men I saw roleplay female PCs did okay, but then, I was in those groups, so any claim of "it's what my character would do!" to justify stripperiffic nonsense would have been immediately vetoed by at least one actual woman. But the players didn't seem inclined to do that sort of thing, anyway.

(DM of horrors couldn't even get female NPCs right, but that paled in comparison to his other crimes ...)

But then, a man who actually can portray an adult human female somewhat okay-ish would not refer to an adult woman as "girl" in such a context, and would also not boast about his "knowledge".

You did well to opt out of that game session. Why on earth did the DM not outright veto that character?

@FaerieGodfather: First step on improving your female NPCs: Internalize the knowledge that men have no good reason to feel insulted by being mistaken for women. (It took me about five minutes to figure out that that is probably what you try to do with those female characters? Because otherwise, I have no idea at all why you would do this)

Once you see women as human (or ... elvish, or whatever, depending), it is really not that hard.

Segev
2019-04-17, 02:57 PM
Once you see women as human (or ... elvish, or whatever, depending), it is really not that hard.

In general, yes: there are differences between men and women, but they're not so great that they're defining character traits. Female characters are characters who happen to be female, just as male characters are characters who happen to be male. They're characters first. The fact that they're elves or dwarves or gnomes should probably make more difference than whether they're male or female. And even then, unless you're deliberately playing a setting where demihuman races are distinctly alien, even that should not matter beyond certain perspective elements and cultural points. They're still people, and people are people are people.

A woman is no more or less motivated by a thing than a man is, in general. Whether they're motivated is more about who they are than their sex. Play them like people, with motivations and drives derived from their character, their personality, their history, etc., and you should do fine.

Me, though, I admit I'll generally only play female characters in online games played via text. If I open my mouth to speak for my PC, the baritone that comes out just doesn't sound like a woman, and that shatters my own immersion in the character I'm trying to play.

Telonius
2019-04-17, 03:10 PM
For what it's worth, the group I'm currently playing with is mostly doing genderbent characters. The only exception (woman playing a female Feytouched Bard/Warblade) is the one doing most of the "stripperific" stuff. Playing cross-gender isn't everybody's thing, but there's nothing that makes it inherently harder than getting into the character of a 500 year old elf, a warforged, or a kobold.

Themrys
2019-04-17, 03:37 PM
Playing cross-gender isn't everybody's thing, but there's nothing that makes it inherently harder than getting into the character of a 500 year old elf, a warforged, or a kobold.

Unless you are a man who has enthusiastically participated in societal attempts to train him to view women as objects, while you received no such training with regard to elves.

Basement-dwelling-weirdo gets his idea of what women are like probably from porn, which is the easiest to spot version.

The DM who did most of the stuff I quoted in this thread viewed women as decorative objects whom he expected to provide free labour, emotional and otherwise, and not have any thoughts or opinions of their own. And was convinced that every man ever would think exactly the same. In retrospect, I should have grown suspicious that except from a very old witch who had to be female because witch, the only female characters were two barmaids who worked for free for the male tavern owner because of ... idk, he had rescued them from slavery or something. Free labour!
I later heard he wasn't happy with one male player playing a female character, which is hilarious because that female PC had loads more personality than any of that DMs female NPCs. (And not because she got more screentime. Male player of female PC quit the group pretty soon ... possibly because of the DM.)

Guizonde
2019-04-17, 04:06 PM
For what it's worth, the group I'm currently playing with is mostly doing genderbent characters. The only exception (woman playing a female Feytouched Bard/Warblade) is the one doing most of the "stripperific" stuff. Playing cross-gender isn't everybody's thing, but there's nothing that makes it inherently harder than getting into the character of a 500 year old elf, a warforged, or a kobold.

there's no problem doing genderbent (hell, i've done it on multiple occasions), there's a problem doing it wrong, just like any character. for example, it's as wrong to portray women as walking porn movies as it is portraying rogues as shameless magpies stealing from the group and backstabbing them for the lulz. both ruin the fun of the game and makes people very uncomfortable very quickly. unless you're in an overtly offensive type of evil-karma game (eating babies, stealing from bums, raping the village, burning the loot and pillaging the women...), it gets old as soon as the character is rolled up. except where mary sues are just annoying wish fulfilment, stripper-sues are wish fulfillment that the rest of the group does not want to know about. it's why the "magical realm" webcomic became such a meme!

like segev said, gender does not make for an interesting character. my next character will be a halfling shepherd girl turned mounted cleric. could i do it with a male halfling? sure, it would not change the humorous aspect of having a 3ft tall badass being more boisterous than the 7ft tall half-orc paladin. her backstory? she really didn't want to end her life being a shepherd so she got a big stick and went hunting with the hunters of her tribe, and they said that she was good at it. why is the character interesting? brash, brazen, and willing to go off the beaten path in order to do what she wants to do. genderflip the description, and it works. gender has no impact on it. now, here's the what's really wrong from what i remember of the basement dwelling weirdo.

character: bimbo with a bdsm aesthetic. main weapon? whip. specialty? "forced seduction". unless we're talking about pf's callistria, i don't want that in pathfinder. i don't want that as a player, no matter my opinion on bdsm. that's exposing your kink out in the open, and much like your private parts, you keep it in your pants in public. i knew the guy and thought it was inappropriate, especially at uni. and i played the loin-cloth barbarian conan-expy. what did his character do before that? who cares?! it's a dominatrix!!1lol!! i'd expect that from a horny 14 year old, not a 25 year old "grown man" in a public place. you squirm now thinking about it, i lived through it mortified with the rest of the table. i think the dm didn't think it was possible and that it must have been some kind of joke. unfortunately, nope. i pity the guys who stayed at the table.

i've seen seduction done tastefully, and it actually helped advance the plot on some occasions. i did it once to get the team to a safe haven. seduction is not wrong, it's the reason why it's done that determines it.

i hope i don't come accross as a badwrongfun kind of guy, but that just makes me squirm remembering the cringiness of the situation.

Cygnia
2019-04-17, 04:11 PM
The GM who had my male bard forcibly changed into a woman and then raped was a hypocrite when it came to cross-gender play as apparently he thought it was perfectly fine that HE got to play a big-breasted red-headed whip-wielding female elven rogue.

Or maybe he thought only that women should never play male characters. :smallfurious:

College was an eff'ed up time for me. I know better now not to tolerate those players at my table.

Fortis
2019-04-17, 04:18 PM
"You only won that because I nerfed the monster / I fudged a roll / I let you."

Nothing kills the thrill of victory faster than the GM telling you they cheated in your favor. It makes victory feel hollow and makes the GM sound like a condescending ass.

FaerieGodfather
2019-04-17, 05:22 PM
@FaerieGodfather: First step on improving your female NPCs: Internalize the knowledge that men have no good reason to feel insulted by being mistaken for women. (It took me about five minutes to figure out that that is probably what you try to do with those female characters? Because otherwise, I have no idea at all why you would do this)

It's not about insulting them. It's about pointing out their ignorant assumptions, and then being a total hypocrite about making the same assumptions for humor value.

It's not a gender joke. It's a species joke.

edit: I don't make a habit of associating with people who would take this as an insult.


Once you see women as human (or ... elvish, or whatever, depending), it is really not that hard.

Preaching to the choir. I understand that women are people, but I'm not good at portraying the differences in gendered socialization.

King of Nowhere
2019-04-17, 06:06 PM
Internalize the knowledge that men have no good reason to feel insulted by being mistaken for women. (It took me about five minutes to figure out that that is probably what you try to do with those female characters? Because otherwise, I have no idea at all why you would do this)


the reason for it is that (generally speaking, of course there are exceptions, and this applies to the rest of the post) males live sexuality much differently from women.
we all know the basic of evolution: the creature that leaves behind more fertile offspring passes its genes.
Now, males can have sex with 100 women and have 100 children. Women, on the other hand, can have sex with 100 men and still only have one child, because they have only one uterus.
that means that evolution hardwired men to look for as many sexual partners as possible, because that's how a man maximizes his chances of spreading his DNA. And women are hardwired to look for a stable partner that will stay with her and take care of her and help her raise their children, because that's how she maximizes her chances of spreading her DNA.
Now, this gets more complicated, I took a really interesting evolutionary biology course on it and I could go on for a while on the subtleties, and it gets even more complicated when you factor in cultural conditioning, but really that's the key point.

So ultimately the reason most men are driven to make stripperiffic female pc is because most men would actually behave that way if they could get away with it. "objectification" or "degradation" or stuff like that don't factor at all. A men that was explicitly sexually desired by scores of women would not feel objectified or degraded; if he did, he wouldn't care. He'd probably think he died and went to paradise...
Heck, if I was somehow polymorphed into a (good-looking) woman, I'd be a stripperiffic flirt, which I absolutely am not as a male. two reasons for this change of personality: 1) I would be able to perceive myself as attractive 2) I would be reasonably sure that most men would appreciate it.
So, I know not to make stripperific women, because they are rarely like that. I made nymphs asexual to stay away from easy pitfalls. But still, if I play a woman (npcs) and the conversation accidentally ends there, I either have to fight with my instinct to be openly sexual, or I must assume that this woman is a member of the minority that lives sexuality like a man.

All of the above does not justify being a ****. Treating people like crap, regardless of gender, or using an rpg session to live your erotic fantasies (unless all the participants agreed in that kind of game). But it can explain why men tend to play women in certain ways. Especially socially awkward men that don't really know much about women in the first place.

Themrys
2019-04-17, 07:29 PM
Preaching to the choir. I understand that women are people, but I'm not good at portraying the differences in gendered socialization.

See, the great thing about fantasy worlds is that there need not be any gendered socialisation. (Or you can have completely different gendered socialisation)

Play in a setting where the sexes are equal, remove rape culture, and suddenly, your female NPC walking home alone at night is perfectly reasonable portrayal. Your female character talking more, talking over and interrupting men in conversations? Perfectly logical. Female character saying no to men where a real world woman would try to dance around it for fear of angering the man? Perfectly fitting. Female character not wearing make-up? Exactly as logical as male character not wearing make-up. Et cetera.

Your female character trying to impress a man by protecting him from monsters? I know women who are like that in real life, and there would be a lot more if men in real life were more impressed by that sort of thing.

Women may have evolved to not be as suicidally dumb about trying to impress potential sexual partners as men, and that might still hold true in a fantasy setting, but since the whole game is about taking immense risks, no one is likely to complain about lack of realism if you play a female barbarian who wants to slay a hundred foes to impress her crush. (Well, except men who think it impossible a man would be impressed by that, but, meh)

@King of Nowhere: That's a nice theory and all, but it does not explain the way some men play female characters. Men do not, in real life, behave according to what evolutionary psychology would dictate they should.

Men cannot get pregnant, still reject ugly women instead of taking advantage of the opportunity to spread their genes. Men want to have sex with as many women as possible, still don't use make-up to pretend better genes than they really have. Some of the men who roleplay female characters in a stripperiffic way don't even shower regularly, let alone dress nicely.

In fact, there even seems to be a huge overlap between men behaving in a way that makes them spreading their genes VERY unlikely and playing female characters in an offensive way. (Heck, offending women during DnD also lowers a man's chances at spreading his genes)

I have met some men who really take care of their appearance and then take advantage of their attractiveness, but I doubt they would play female characters in an offensive way. Their female characters would probably behave the same way they themselves behave in real life. That is, wear normal clothes, flirt a lot, and go to a private space for more overt sexual behaviour.

Women, when playing pen&paper games, tend to behave differently to how we behave in real life. Tell a woman that in this fantasy world the sexes are equal, show her that her char has a decent chance to physically overpower a man and anyways, you don't have any rape in your game, then describe how that guardsman at the city gates has really intense blue eyes and hair as golden as a field of ripe wheat, and you might be surprised how quick even a shy woman would be to ask whether an attempt at seduction would succeed.

What a female player is a LOT less likely to do than a male basement-dweller is have her character seduce an unattractive guardsman to get into the city. Wear a chainmail bikini. All those things that are not comfortable or fun for a woman, but that look nice to the man who looks at her from outside.

King of Nowhere
2019-04-17, 08:26 PM
@King of Nowhere: That's a nice theory and all, but it does not explain the way some men play female characters. Men do not, in real life, behave according to what evolutionary psychology would dictate they should.

Men cannot get pregnant, still reject ugly women instead of taking advantage of the opportunity to spread their genes. Men want to have sex with as many women as possible, still don't use make-up to pretend better genes than they really have. Some of the men who roleplay female characters in a stripperiffic way don't even shower regularly, let alone dress nicely.

In fact, there even seems to be a huge overlap between men behaving in a way that makes them spreading their genes VERY unlikely and playing female characters in an offensive way. (Heck, offending women during DnD also lowers a man's chances at spreading his genes)

I said that the details got complicated.
what I described are the most basic tendencies. but then there is a certain interplay between male and female mating strategy, because in human society, in most places and for most of our evolutionary history, women could choose their partner, and so they would pick men that were more caring and less brutish.
And then you have to add in society, and all of our customs and traditions. And to top it all, we are thinking animals, and all of the above get mixed into our personalities. And everyone is a different individual.

The theory described general trends. Men tend generally to have a more direct approach to sexuality, and men roleplaying women on average tend to have a more direct approach to sexuality. that's as far as the theory goes.

then you describe some extreme nightmare cases. those are outliers. Or possibly they are males with their social sophistication removed. Or maybe they are simply jackasses, or socially inept, or all of the above.

finally, from some of the things you say, you seem to come from a more backwards social environment. I mean

Play in a setting where the sexes are equal, remove rape culture, and suddenly, your female NPC walking home alone at night is perfectly reasonable portrayal. Your female character talking more, talking over and interrupting men in conversations? Perfectly logical. Female character saying no to men where a real world woman would try to dance around it for fear of angering the man? Perfectly fitting. Female character not wearing make-up? Exactly as logical as male character not wearing make-up. Et cetera.

Your female character trying to impress a man by protecting him from monsters? I know women who are like that in real life, and there would be a lot more if men in real life were more impressed by that sort of thing.
that kind of thing is pretty normal in most of my social environment. some of my eldest relatives that were grown in a different time are exceptions. none of the women I hang around with have those kind of problems, though they all say that there is always that guy (often a coworker) that treats them condescendingly. but that guy is an unfortunate exception.
You talk like that guy is more common around you, so perhaps you are less lucky and you don't have socially-inept-but-ultimately-well-meaning people but actual jerks.
It's also worth noting that I am not exposed to the general rpg environment. My two groups are mostly isolated and have little contact with the greater roleplaying community. All people involved have above-average education. the only people who tried to roleplay a striperiffic woman were kids who didn't knew any better and/or found it amusing (I've been guilty of that 15 years ago :smalleek:).
Perhaps I'm talking about different things because I had different experiences.

Cluedrew
2019-04-17, 08:44 PM
"You only won that because I nerfed the monster / I fudged a roll / I let you.""Oh, so you didn't get the difficulty right the first time?" More than being condescending, if a GM thinks that says something good about them, then they don't know much about being a GM.

If your GM is good enough: "We are going to have to skip this week."

For me personally: "Combat starts."

Spore
2019-04-17, 08:46 PM
'The person you just drove over still stands. Your cart/car/vehicle is totalled.'

Yeah, (N)PC HP and durability can be a strange thing in RPGs sometimes. But **** like that takes me right out of the experience.

2D8HP
2019-04-17, 09:19 PM
The GM who had my...

...I know better now not to tolerate those players at my table.


:eek:


Um..

...that sounds beyond a "bad GM story" and into emotional abuse.

Just appallingly rude (actually a different word past rude), and at a college so presumably someone legally an adult?

Telok
2019-04-17, 09:22 PM
'The person you just drove over still stands. Your cart/car/vehicle is totalled.'

Yeah, (N)PC HP and durability can be a strange thing in RPGs sometimes. But **** like that takes me right out of the experience.

Had that happen in a supers game. The players response was something along the lines of "I get out of the car, pick it up, and beat him with it."

Spore
2019-04-17, 10:06 PM
Had that happen in a supers game. The players response was something along the lines of "I get out of the car, pick it up, and beat him with it."

I can get that in a supers game, and even in D&D nowadays. But this was a post apocalyptic game (similar scaling to Fallout, a late game character has at most 2,5x the durability of a normal human being). For some odd reason the DM decided to subtract the armor (read damage reduction) from the impact damage, meanwhile our armored truck had technically no armor so took full damage.

Ever since then I get a teeny-tiny meltdown whenever a player or DM puts rules as written above actual play experience and versimillitude. Also can we maybe stop talking about rape, I assume the topic is sufficiently covered.

LordCdrMilitant
2019-04-18, 07:26 AM
I can get that in a supers game, and even in D&D nowadays. But this was a post apocalyptic game (similar scaling to Fallout, a late game character has at most 2,5x the durability of a normal human being). For some odd reason the DM decided to subtract the armor (read damage reduction) from the impact damage, meanwhile our armored truck had technically no armor so took full damage.

Ever since then I get a teeny-tiny meltdown whenever a player or DM puts rules as written above actual play experience and versimillitude. Also can we maybe stop talking about rape, I assume the topic is sufficiently covered.

This seems to be more of a problem with the implementation of the vehicle than the damage or ram mechanic.

In Dark Heresy, which also uses armor as DR, when you get hit by a Chimera Infantry Fighting Vehicle, you take 30+3d10 damage [which will kill you, period], and it takes about 4+1d5-30<=0 in return [technically it takes 0 unless the GM decides the target is of sufficient size and mass to be of concern to the vehicle, which you aren't anyway], and is entirely unfazed.

When a vehicle collides with a person, both experience the same force. A person has a lot less structural integrity than the vehicle though, and so is ground into a red smear beneath its tracks while the vehicle at best wonders what went thump.

The Kool
2019-04-18, 08:05 AM
On topic:

"... No. Just... no."

With that finality and weariness that probably means you crossed a line.

Cygnia
2019-04-18, 08:26 AM
:eek:


Um..

...that sounds beyond a "bad GM story" and into emotional abuse.

Just appallingly rude (actually a different word past rude), and at a college so presumably someone legally an adult?

Like I said, college was a messed up time for me -- I didn't have the self-esteem to speak up back then. And the GM in question wasn't 21 yet :-/

Unoriginal
2019-04-18, 08:40 AM
I was going to make a joke, but by all the gods and their angels, after reading this thread I don't want to. Too much ****ed up things.

To contribute, I certainly don't want to ever hear again a DM describes (and make the gestures of) a woman our PCs were hired to rescue be raped by a giant fly-headed oni, with the army of mook and and evil wizard watching making impossible for our PCs to intervene. Especially when 13yo players were present.

The Kool
2019-04-18, 08:57 AM
I was going to make a joke, but by all the gods and their angels, after reading this thread I don't want to. Too much ****ed up things.

To contribute, I certainly don't want to ever hear again a DM describes (and make the gestures of) a woman our PCs were hired to rescue be raped by a giant fly-headed oni, with the army of mook and and evil wizard watching making impossible for our PCs to intervene. Especially when 13yo players were present.

...Someone needed to cut him off. :smalleek:

NRSASD
2019-04-18, 09:24 AM
Blech... I apologize on behalf of all decent DMs everywhere for those morons some of you have had to play with.


Is it really that hard to not be scum? I mean, all you have to do is:

a. don't dictate a PC's actions for them
b. if you want to bring anything sex or torture related, clear it with the player in question before the session. And if the player isn't ok with it, drop it!

Speaking as a DM who has used both topics to great effect in our current Curse of Strahd game. Yeah, it goes to some realllll dark places, but the players and I are all onboard with it because we worked it out ahead of time. LIKE ADULTS! And I'm not even an adult really!

For crying out loud, if you squick Guizonde out you know you've gone too far! :P

Back on topic of making this a light-hearted joke thread:
"You cut the red wire on the bomb? Oh dear"
"The orc falls to the ground, dead. Just as you start turning out its pockets for money, it grabs you by the wrist, grinning evilly as the newly turned orc ghoul rises once more. Con save!"

JAL_1138
2019-04-18, 09:44 AM
Here's one for JAL_1138:

You wake up and find yourself on a ship with no land in sight.

Good thing I keep a flying carpet and 30 days’ worth of food and drink in my Bag of Holding, and if that should fail, I can cast Teleport. Using my Instrument of the Bards as an “associated object” of the destination, I can get the whole party back to the place where I got the instrument—a much nicer, safer little place than any boat. It’s a little creepy, what with being the tomb of some guy named Acererak and whatnot, but it’s safer than being on a boat in D&D.

halfeye
2019-04-18, 11:21 AM
When a vehicle collides with a person, both experience the same force.

This is mistaken. It might seem reasonable, but it's not physics. What happens in an elastic collision is that the less massive object takes more of the energy. In an inelastic collision it depends on which deforms first, which is the one taking most of the damage.

There are two factors, the conservation of momentum, and kinetic energy. It's a long time ago, so I don't remember the details, but the point is, if a slow heavy object collides with a lighter one, the light one can leave with a lot more speed than the heavy one started with.

The Kool
2019-04-18, 11:34 AM
Semantics: Both surfaces experience the same force, but they both do not leave with the same amount of energy. So you're both right.

Guizonde
2019-04-18, 01:52 PM
For crying out loud, if you squick Guizonde out you know you've gone too far! :P


does this mean i'm famous now? yay!

also, absolutely true. my black humor is legendary among my friends, and i tend to go too far but my friends know me for that and enjoy it in moderate doses.

back on thread:

"wait, you're doing what?"

last time this happened the cleric tried to choke a merchant in her scapula. much laughter and damage control ensued.

Willie the Duck
2019-04-18, 02:10 PM
Call of Cthulhu:
"Before I describe what's in the room, everyone roll a San check."
...
Any system:
"You are all on full health, right?"

Any (non-Call of Cthulhu) system: "Before I describe what's in the room, everyone roll a San check."


Cyberpunk Call of Cthluhu- "You start seeing visual glitches in your display"

(Seriously cyberpunk setting call of cthulhu ranges from 'yeah we're badass future-punks' to 'oh god every horrifying nightmarish reaitywarping scene in the Matrix trilogy while fighting Missingno')

Non-cyberpunk setting: "You start seeing visual glitches in your display... er,wait, nothing, nevermind."

LordCdrMilitant
2019-04-18, 02:18 PM
This is mistaken. It might seem reasonable, but it's not physics. What happens in an elastic collision is that the less massive object takes more of the energy. In an inelastic collision it depends on which deforms first, which is the one taking most of the damage.

There are two factors, the conservation of momentum, and kinetic energy. It's a long time ago, so I don't remember the details, but the point is, if a slow heavy object collides with a lighter one, the light one can leave with a lot more speed than the heavy one started with.

The law of momentum conservation and the law of equal and opposite reactions are intrinsically related:
Momentum p=mv. F=ma, the change in momentum. Therefore, the net force on the system must be equal to zero in order for momentum to be conserved during the collision, and therefore both interacting objects must experience equal forces in opposite directions.

Therefore, in order for momentum to be conserved in the collision, the tank must feel the same force as you do. You have a lot less mass than the tank, and so you experience a lot more acceleration than it does, hence the effect where the small object moves very fast when bouncing off a large one. [You don't really bounce though in a tank-you collision; you deform instead]

King of Nowhere
2019-04-18, 03:00 PM
It’s a little creepy, what with being the tomb of some guy named Acererak and whatnot, but it’s safer than being on a boat in D&D.

What's wrong with boats? we adventured on a boat for a while, and never had any problem.

noob
2019-04-18, 03:47 PM
What's wrong with boats? we adventured on a boat for a while, and never had any problem.

Yes because you had the brilliant idea of adventuring on a land boat carried by liches that hates you specifically.
It is way safer than boats on water.

JAL_1138
2019-04-18, 07:22 PM
What's wrong with boats? we adventured on a boat for a while, and never had any problem.

You are the rare exception, then. Typically, water (other than water you bought in town for your waterskins, although even that can be suspect sometimes—better to have the Cleric just make some) will only ever appear in a game because the DM read something in the “aquatic encounters” section of the DMG or MM and thought to themselves “Muahahaha...”

It need not be a monster, although it usually is. It could be drowning, or the restrictions on spellcasting, speaking, movement, or attacking with certain weapon types. Or something else. But it’s only there because of the aforementioned evil laugh.

On a boat? Things that could go wrong include, but are in no way limited to, any combination of the following: Shipwrecked in a strange land without most of your gear, fall over the side and drown because you failed a swim check or were wearing heavy armor, ship catches on fire, attacked by a dragon turtle, attacked by a giant squid, attacked by a kraken, attacked by a brine dragon, attacked by kuo-toa, fall off the ship and get attacked by Ixitzacan’tpronounceitbutthey’reevilmantarays, ship sinks and you have to retrieve an artifact or NPC that went down with the ship and you catch a glimpse of it beneath the waves getting pulled into a morkorth’s lair, ship gets attacked by pirates, ship gets attacked by water elementals, ship gets attacked by water weirds...the list goes on and on and on.

And that’s just ships. All water is dangerous. I once had a character die from drinking out of a fountain. There was a water weird in the fountain, as all the water in the fountain. The piece of it he drank chestburster’d out of him, and, well...

Oh, right, wells. Wells can be full of poison, disease, drowned zombies, worse undead a’la the stringy-haired ghost girl from The Ring, or conceal a secret passage to a nest of Deep Ones who worship a Color Out of Space that’s taken up residence or something. Or they might have a dungeon entrance guarded by that horrifying thing with the spindly arms from Ocarina of Time. Or you might just fall through the rotted boards covering the top of a disused well and drown from botching some swim checks before your party members can get you out.

To say nothing of the acids, oozes, slimes, molds, gels, weirds, elementals, predatory fish, venomous serpents, etc. that any water section in a dungeon might conceal.

I have lost more AD&D characters to water-related incidents than I have in the Nine Hells and Gygax deathtrap modules. My longest-running Planescape character survived multiple trips to the Nine Hells without all that much trouble. I had a character make it through the Tomb of Horrors (in AD&D; the 5e version really isn’t that dangerous because they did such a lazy job of converting it) without all that much trouble, aside from getting zapped a time or two, and I had a henchman named something like “Ensign Redshirt” who made it out of the Tomb without taking a single HP of damage. But water? Water and water-related incidents have claimed dozens, plural, of my characters over the years in AD&D alone (to say nothing of other systems like Call of Cthulhu) and have seriously threatened many more.

In ttrpgs, WATER = BAD.

(I should note that in real life, I’m quite fond of swimming, boating, fishing, and suchlike, and currently live by a lake, so my extreme paranoia of water in games does not extend to real life whatsoever.)

Wizard_Lizard
2019-04-18, 07:44 PM
DM to a party of level one adventurers
"I prepared a rndom encounter table!"
rolls
"Oh no."

TeChameleon
2019-04-19, 01:09 AM
One that I'm guilty of during my very brief stint as DM-

"Uhm, that really wasn't supposed to happen..."

(for context, it was in Shadowrun, I'd given the players incredibly overpowered toys (or permission for same) at chargen with the understanding that I would use said powerful toys as an excuse to throw horrible things at them. Sadly, I'd made a couple of rookie mistakes building the cyberzombie that they ran up against, and it proceeded to not even notice the anti-battleship laser they pasted it with. Whoops...)

Scripten
2019-04-19, 07:34 AM
DM to a party of level one adventurers
"I prepared a rndom encounter table!"
rolls
"Oh no."

Had this happen in my Strahd campaign. Rolled up an encounter that was about 2x Deadly on a party that had barely left town.

They were lucky because they had just made friends with the wereravens, so a group came flying in to bail them out just as they started getting overwhelmed.

Segev
2019-04-19, 09:48 AM
"I'm not happy with how the rules work in this system, so we're converting [this very system-tied setting and game] to GURPS."

Khedrac
2019-04-19, 10:57 AM
Not my campaign, but often quoted by my players from a 1st Ed AD&D Ravenloft game:

"Let's go to the vampire's castle at night - he won't expect that!"

King of Nowhere
2019-04-19, 12:01 PM
You are the rare exception, then. Typically, water (other than water you bought in town for your waterskins, although even that can be suspect sometimes—better to have the Cleric just make some) will only ever appear in a game because the DM read something in the “aquatic encounters” section of the DMG or MM and thought to themselves “Muahahaha...”


Oh, I see. It was the opposite in my case.
We were in a port town and were looking for plot hoooks, and we picked up a bounty on a certain pirate. A character went "I roll gather information. Natural 20". Which would fit into the "things you don't want to hear your players say" thread, by the way.
To which the DM considered a bit and said "ok, you see a guy walking down the road and going on a ship carrying a pooorly-disguised jolly roger...."
So we were on water simply because we rolled a 20 at "skipping to the end of a quest". We fougth pirates, but it was no worse than any other encounter.

Cygnia
2019-04-19, 01:18 PM
(on a Bluff/Diplomacy/Intimidate roll)

Player: I rolled a nat 20!

DM: OK! Justify it -- what do you say exactly?

DMThac0
2019-04-19, 01:54 PM
(on a Bluff/Diplomacy/Intimidate roll)

Player: I rolled a nat 20!

DM: OK! Justify it -- what do you say exactly?

To be fair I always ask my players to explain the "How" of a roll, I just don't expect them to be a world class negotiator and will fill in the fluff when needed. (Some of my players are so gifted I get asked "is that a 6 or a 9" when rolling a die...)

The Kool
2019-04-19, 03:36 PM
To be fair I always ask my players to explain the "How" of a roll, I just don't expect them to be a world class negotiator and will fill in the fluff when needed. (Some of my players are so gifted I get asked "is that a 6 or a 9" when rolling a die...)

Agreed. A good roll can tell me how well you pull off your strategy, how well they take it, whether they overlook a glaring flaw, whether there's some circumstance unknown to you that's working in your favor... a bad roll tells the opposite. But if your strategy is to try to seduce the king in the middle of his court, vs trying to calmly and concisely explain your plea, especially if you look like a peasant who just stepped out of a burning building... One of these will have a higher DC than the other.

Tangentially related: "There's no automatic success for rolling a nat 20 on a skill check." Always disappoints players when I remind them of that.

Themrys
2019-04-19, 04:13 PM
To be fair I always ask my players to explain the "How" of a roll, I just don't expect them to be a world class negotiator and will fill in the fluff when needed. (Some of my players are so gifted I get asked "is that a 6 or a 9" when rolling a die...)

Sounds like a decent approach.

Give them the opportunity to roleplay, but don't punish them for being not as good at something in real life as their character is.

As a writer, I notice that my characters are a lot less socially awkward than I am in real life because they have a lot more information. So I'd probably just give the player information. "The guy selling the swords looks like a smith. It is probably his own work, and he seems to take pride in its quality. You estimate the sword you want is worth about X amount of money".
Of course, there might be a player who then proceeds to say "Oh, great, now that I know what it is worth, I offer half the amount of that and tell him he should be happy he gets that much" ... in which case there's probably no alternative to doing all the roleplaying stuff yourself.

jintoya
2019-04-19, 04:38 PM
Things I've said

"Wait... Didn't you buy potions earlier?"

"You hear a low rumble from a nearby hillside"

"Everyone around you silently watches as you enter town"

"You smell (frowns while pondering) actually... Roll fortitude not to puke"

"Something is different from last time you were in this room... Roll wisdom to remember"

"What specifically do you wear to bed?"

SlvrDragonCleri
2019-04-19, 06:16 PM
"Add up all of your dice. Not just what you have out.... All of them. In fact, everyone add up your dice. Max everything."

****

Basically, our wizard destroyed a gem of immense power at the top of a temple of a Dracolich... apparently it was his phylactery, and in the moment of destruction, it became a planet destroying event.

Note: Our wizard has close to 400 dice.

All told, it was 7076 damage.

96d20
92d12
162d10
100d8
206d6
99d4

Guizonde
2019-04-19, 06:46 PM
"dudes. i give you 5000 gold at level one* and you don't even buy a shotgun?"

*currency and level converted to dnd 3.5 standard.

*laughs out loud while browsing notes*

"this can only end well..."

"oh, this is about to suck."

"oops."

FaerieGodfather
2019-04-19, 07:28 PM
Of course, there might be a player who then proceeds to say "Oh, great, now that I know what it is worth, I offer half the amount of that and tell him he should be happy he gets that much" ... in which case there's probably no alternative to doing all the roleplaying stuff yourself.

Punish them until they learn.

"Eight gold? I didn't craft this work of art to kill rats in a tavern basement, and it would damage my reputation when it's found next to your corpse."

Suddenly, the sword is not available for any price. And, just as suddenly, half of the other craftsmen in town have raised their prices when he's in the shop.

Quertus
2019-04-19, 08:01 PM
"Something is different from last time you were in this room... Roll wisdom to remember"

I would love for the GM to say that - especially if it's cool setting lore, like, "they set up a Christmas tree". But also good if it's one of three ways to get to one of three paths to the answer I'm after.

Tanarii
2019-04-19, 11:59 PM
And that’s just ships. All water is dangerous. I once had a character die from drinking out of a fountain. There was a water weird in the fountain, as all the water in the fountain. The piece of it he drank chestburster’d out of him, and, well...I've gained more permanent stat boosts and healing from fountains that negative effects or deaths. Or at least, the good stands out more in mind than the bad. But yeah, fountains are always a straight gamble. You only ever drink from them after saying a prayer to a deity of your choice. Preferably the Clerics, because clearly that one likes you enough to send the Cleric ...

Of course, there's always a chance the cleric is secretly Chaotic.

Guizonde
2019-04-20, 05:26 AM
Of course, there's always a chance the cleric is secretly Chaotic.

ahem, all my clerics started chaotic and oscillate between chaotic and neutral while being adamantly good-aligned. you can trust some chaotic clerics, just don't expect them to be in a good mood with great bedside manner. my favorite comeback when the elven rogue got an acid trap blown up in her face was:

father corbec, m.d.: aw come on! it's a trap! you're meant to disable it, not french-kiss it! *heals her back to full health with minimal decorative scarring that enhanced her beauty and badassery*

Tanarii
2019-04-20, 09:08 AM
ahem, all my clerics started chaotic and oscillate between chaotic and neutral while being adamantly good-aligned. you can trust some chaotic clerics, just don't expect them to be in a good mood with great bedside manner. my favorite comeback when the elven rogue got an acid trap blown up in her face was:
My throw away comment was based on the Lawful-Neutral-Chaotic system of B/X & BECMI, which was where I mostly encountered Magical Fountains. And in which Chaotic was typically (but not always) a code word for Evil.

Wizard_Lizard
2019-04-20, 04:29 PM
DM: This session is about to get... [unnecessarily long pause] ...Interesting...

jintoya
2019-04-22, 11:01 AM
I would love for the GM to say that - especially if it's cool setting lore, like, "they set up a Christmas tree". But also good if it's one of three ways to get to one of three paths to the answer I'm after.

With me... It's usually an assassin who Disturbed the room a bit when he passed through and hid... Or a mimic is in the room and a game of guess who ensues, but it's always suspenseful

Elvensilver
2019-04-23, 01:27 PM
Wait, I miscalculated the damage you did: Your foe drops to the floor, unconscious or dead...as of two rounds ago.

The Kool
2019-04-23, 01:32 PM
"Wait, I've been forgetting something with this guy... he should be making more attacks/hitting harder/using special ability!"

MrSandman
2019-04-24, 10:45 AM
"Wait, I've been forgetting something with this guy... he should be making more attacks/hitting harder/using special ability!"

Bonus points if the party is already barely able to stand.

The Kool
2019-04-24, 11:01 AM
Bonus points if the party is already barely able to stand.

Ha.... you have no idea how often I've unintentionally done this.

Cygnia
2019-04-24, 11:09 AM
"I allow EVERYTHING~!"

JNAProductions
2019-04-24, 12:22 PM
Wait, I miscalculated the damage you did: Your foe drops to the floor, unconscious or dead...as of two rounds ago.

I'm guilty of that. Not often-but just recently, I did it.

Rerem115
2019-04-24, 01:22 PM
"Make an Int save."

King of Nowhere
2019-04-24, 03:05 PM
"Wait, I've been forgetting something with this guy... he should be making more attacks/hitting harder/using special ability!"

I don't know, my party seems happy when I say it :smalltongue:

at most it's something you DM would not want to hear yourself saying

denthor
2019-04-24, 07:15 PM
Really happened.

Party walking along a road. Me ranger. State turn around full round spot check. Between me and 100 feet do I see anything following us.

DM no.

Me wait two rounds . Do I see anything

DM roll initiative.

Me why.
DM your being attacked.

Two rounds later fail a will save. Charmed. I spill everything on the party I know.

I said why did I not see an entire party?

DM you said 100 feet they were 60 feet away you saw nothing at 100 feet.

Arbane
2019-04-24, 08:05 PM
Really happened.
(SNIP)
DM you said 100 feet they were 60 feet away you saw nothing at 100 feet.

:smallfurious:
Let me guess - he also had at least PC arrested for indecent exposure for leaving their inn room without specifying they were putting on their pants first?

The Kool
2019-04-25, 08:46 AM
Between me and 100 feet

you said 100 feet they were 60 feet away you saw nothing at 100 feet.

Just gonna leave this here... :smallsigh:

Segev
2019-04-25, 09:40 AM
Really happened.

Party walking along a road. Me ranger. State turn around full round spot check. Between me and 100 feet do I see anything following us.

DM no.

Me wait two rounds . Do I see anything

DM roll initiative.

Me why.
DM your being attacked.

Two rounds later fail a will save. Charmed. I spill everything on the party I know.

I said why did I not see an entire party?

DM you said 100 feet they were 60 feet away you saw nothing at 100 feet.


Just gonna leave this here... :smallsigh:

Yeah, as told, this is not just bad DMing, it's being a deliberate jerk.

hotflungwok
2019-04-25, 09:58 AM
"All of their money was destroyed by the fireball you cast earlier."

DM ruled that most damaging spells destroyed whatever the target was carrying, melted coins, etc. So if we wanted money or magic items we couldn't use fireball, lightning bolt, scorching ray, pretty much anything good.

The Kool
2019-04-25, 10:02 AM
"All of their money was destroyed by the fireball you cast earlier."

DM ruled that most damaging spells destroyed whatever the target was carrying, melted coins, etc. So if we wanted money or magic items we couldn't use fireball, lightning bolt, scorching ray, pretty much anything good.

A holdover from ye olden days, when fireball and lightning bolt did actually melt gold and silver. Taken a bit to the extreme by destroying other things, mundanes it makes sense but magical items should at least get a save. Still pretty rough though.

Segev
2019-04-25, 10:09 AM
"All of their money was destroyed by the fireball you cast earlier."

DM ruled that most damaging spells destroyed whatever the target was carrying, melted coins, etc. So if we wanted money or magic items we couldn't use fireball, lightning bolt, scorching ray, pretty much anything good.

"I cast fireball again after gathering the scrap together to sift the dross from the gold, and pour ingots and bars."

"I use scorching ray to melt through the solid steel doors; it ruined the plate mail before, so it should work fine here."

Largo833
2019-04-25, 11:21 AM
(on a Bluff/Diplomacy/Intimidate roll)

Player: I rolled a nat 20!

DM: OK! Justify it -- what do you say exactly?

Then there's the more obnoxious variation-

Player: I want to roll Persuasion to make a deal with this NPC!

DM: Okay, what exactly do you say?

Player: *gives in-character dialogue*

DM: Hmm, that wasn't very convincing- roll with disadvantage!

Willie the Duck
2019-04-25, 11:26 AM
A holdover from ye olden days, when fireball and lightning bolt did actually melt gold and silver. Taken a bit to the extreme by destroying other things, mundanes it makes sense but magical items should at least get a save. Still pretty rough though.

Yep, that was the original reason why cone of cold was higher level, despite not doing more damage.

hotflungwok
2019-04-25, 11:43 AM
Yep, that was the original reason why cone of cold was higher level, despite not doing more damage.
Seriously? That was the reason? I always wondered about that. Weird that it's held on through so many editions.

The Kool
2019-04-25, 11:50 AM
Yep, that was the original reason why cone of cold was higher level, despite not doing more damage.

Learn something new every day

Willie the Duck
2019-04-25, 12:45 PM
Seriously? That was the reason? I always wondered about that. Weird that it's held on through so many editions.


Learn something new every day

Yep. It, like ear seekers, is part of the bizarre arms race/battle-of-wits Gygax had with his kids and Rob Kunze. Here is* a podcast where Ernie Gygax recounts how his dad “would always let you know whatever cool thing you had destroyed. Normally it was difficult to figure out what anything was, but once it was destroyed, my dad would share. ‘Oh, it’s a real shame.'" For that reason, Ernie's wizard Tenser researched a new spell, Cone of Cold, which deliberately would not damage treasure (which at the time was also your main source of xp).
*supposedly, I can't actually check the link right now.

As to it holding on through so many editions, true, but in 3e+ the spell is in some ways technically better, right (can't recall the specifics for each of 3e, 4e, and 5e)? Previous to that, there always was at least in theory the same fireball-can-destroy-treasure rule. I know AD&D had item saving throws up through 2e. I'm not sure about the basic-classic line (Holmes, Moldvay-Cook, or Mentzer). So there wasn't really an era where it was 'worse, but for no reason,' so far as I can tell.

NecessaryWeevil
2019-04-25, 04:06 PM
"Your 10 Intelligence character isn't smart enough to come up with that plan."

"Let me introduce you to the other players. This is Tom. He's playing a CN rogue."

Archpaladin Zousha
2019-04-25, 05:54 PM
"You're walking in the woods. There's no one around and your phone is dead..."

Segev
2019-04-25, 05:58 PM
"You're walking in the woods. There's no one around and your phone is dead..."

Things this DM doesn't want ot hear his player say: "I place some black onyx in the battery compartment of the phone...."

PastorofMuppets
2019-04-25, 09:00 PM
The town guard have found your Paladin and have decided to ask him just what happened.

That shopkeeper was paying the thieves guild for protection.

I don’t care, Werewolves do not ever need to establish air superiority to accomplish a task.

Oh ****, never mind you need to Capture it, not destroy it.

Saying “I have an idea” doesn’t count as warning them, they are still pissed off about the earthquake

malachi
2019-04-26, 07:46 AM
"You see your character's sister sitting there. This is going to be fun!"

"You're infected with a deadly disease. Magic won't cure it, but will suppress it's effect for a day. Also, it's airborne, so the whole party is going to be infected by the time you return to town."

"You remember [terrible thing that happened in the last campaign]? This is going to be like that - but no metagaming."

NRSASD
2019-04-26, 09:45 AM
"You're walking in the woods. There's no one around and your phone is dead..."

Out of the corner of your eye you spot him:
Shia LaBeouf.

This campaign's honey badgers are eusocial. All the rage, 10000x the numbers.

It's less a pack of wolves and more a majestically rippling sea of wolf fur rushing towards you.

Friv
2019-04-26, 01:55 PM
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him:
Shia LaBeouf.

Counter-argument: that makes it a great RPG. (https://www.reddit.com/r/rpg/comments/35fpdj/system_actual_cannibal_shia_labeouf/)

Resileaf
2019-04-26, 02:09 PM
Fun fact, I once made a Shia Labeouf encounter in my Pathfinder campaign. Sadly it's not a quest the players chose to pursue.

The Kool
2019-04-26, 05:23 PM
Just gonna leave this (https://www.dndbeyond.com/monsters/184229-actual-cannibal-shia-labeouf) here...

Telok
2019-04-26, 11:46 PM
"The cyber-yeti beats you with your ripped off leg."

"Do any of you have the word 'rope' written anywhere on your chatacter sheets?"

Imbalance
2019-04-27, 07:37 AM
Just gonna leave this (https://www.dndbeyond.com/monsters/184229-actual-cannibal-shia-labeouf) here...

Totally forgot this song, so when I searched 'Robert of Cantor' (sans quotes, like a dummy) a rabbit hole opened up that, for a moment, made me think there was an actual instance of murder attributed to the actor.

Quertus
2019-04-27, 08:48 AM
A holdover from ye olden days, when fireball and lightning bolt did actually melt gold and silver. Taken a bit to the extreme by destroying other things, mundanes it makes sense but magical items should at least get a save. Still pretty rough though.


Yep, that was the original reason why cone of cold was higher level, despite not doing more damage.


Learn something new every day

My characters have researched numerous AoE non-fire spells, for this and other reasons.

One of my friends developed "metaball", whose elemental component was completely mutable, and able to be selected when cast.


Then there's the more obnoxious variation-

Player: I want to roll Persuasion to make a deal with this NPC!

DM: Okay, what exactly do you say?

Player: *gives in-character dialogue*

DM: Hmm, that wasn't very convincing- roll with disadvantage!

I mean, bad tactics, like "I feed the vegetarian a steak" should get disadvantage (or worse). But accounting for poor devilry is bad GMing.


Things this DM doesn't want ot hear his player say: "I place some black onyx in the battery compartment of the phone...."

Spoken like a true Necromancer!


"You see your character's sister sitting there. This is going to be fun!"

Definitely near the bottom of my list, yeah. Although responding with, "…and she took 'Vow of Nudity'" might make it worth it.


"You're infected with a deadly disease. Magic won't cure it, but will suppress it's effect for a day. Also, it's airborne, so the whole party is going to be infected by the time you return to town."

Sweet - time to travel to <opposed country>. Let's see how they deal with mass contagion!

ErdrickOfAliaha
2019-04-28, 08:33 AM
"So I don't know about you guys, but I'm really into the Dark Souls games. I really try to recreate that experience in my campaign."

Spore
2019-04-28, 10:59 AM
"So I actually don't think your Paladin's god would condone this action..."

Cue 20 minute discussion about falling paladins...:smallsigh:

FaerieGodfather
2019-04-28, 11:09 AM
"So I actually don't think your Paladin's god would condone this action..."

Cue 20 minute discussion about falling paladins...:smallsigh:

It's a discussion, and it takes place before my PC becomes a glorified paperweight? Be still, my beating heart.

PastorofMuppets
2019-04-28, 08:32 PM
Have you ever read through the SCP wiki? It has some pretty neat stuff

Imbalance
2019-04-29, 06:50 AM
DM: The alpha harpy shrieks. Roll wisdom.
Party: *fails*
DM: Trololololo lololo lololo...

malachi
2019-04-29, 09:14 AM
Definitely near the bottom of my list, yeah. Although responding with, "…and she took 'Vow of Nudity'" might make it worth it.

*shudders*
To be fair, things turned out fine with the sister (even if she is a bit of a huge jerk) - it was the brothers who later showed up that caused the problems...




Sweet - time to travel to <opposed country>. Let's see how they deal with mass contagion!

Too bad I'm playing a LG noble concerned with "responsibility" and "building ties between his family and the common people".




DM to a lvl 5 party: "You see 30 [creature 1], 15 [creature 2], 25 [creature 33], and even a [creature 4]. And that's just at the gate of your manor."
Me: "I've heard of exactly 0 of those in my life."
DM: "True. Neither has your character." *grins*


DM: "You're out of counterspells, right?"

Scripten
2019-04-29, 12:30 PM
This campaign's honey badgers are eusocial. All the rage, 10000x the numbers.

I would love to play a game where the big bad is the honey badger borg.

Avista
2019-04-29, 02:57 PM
Thief: I use stealth to hide behind the rock. 'rolls >15'
DM: They still see you.

Segev
2019-04-29, 03:25 PM
Thief: I use stealth to hide behind the rock. 'rolls >15'
DM: They still see you.

Thief: "What? How? I rolled well! I'm hiding behind a rock! *envisions his tiny halfling behind a rock 10 feet on a side*
DM: There's no way they could miss you with less than a 30! *envisions a bowling-ball-sized rock that would fit easily into the halfling's backpack, with the halfling comically curled up behind it and obviously protruding from all sides*

Lord Torath
2019-04-29, 03:31 PM
Thief: "What? How? I rolled well! I'm hiding behind a rock! *envisions his tiny halfling behind a rock 10 feet on a side*
DM: There's no way they could miss you with less than a 30! *envisions a bowling-ball-sized rock that would fit easily into the halfling's backpack, with the halfling comically curled up behind it and obviously protruding from all sides*
I had a situation sort of like this in a recent game. The Thief wanted to hide behind a tree. He was probably envisioning a 3-4-foot thick trunk on a might sycamore. I (the DM :smallredface:) was envisioning a much thinner maple tree, and the charging horseman easily (even with a -4 to hit from +50% hard cover) plucked him off with his lance. The player took it well, and their mysterious benefactor restored him to life with a wish a bit later.

But to all sides involved (DM & player alike) "COMMUNICATE, DANG IT!"

Guizonde
2019-04-29, 04:14 PM
"i have no idea how to interpret that. i give up."

"yeah, so you think you did that, but as a matter of fact you did the exact opposite because *shady reasoning*"

"i'm not too hot about dm'ing tonight. anyone up for a party instead? i already invited friends over."
(that one happened after a 6 week hiatus. we were not amused and left the party early)

Avista
2019-04-29, 04:42 PM
I had a situation sort of like this in a recent game. The Thief wanted to hide behind a tree. He was probably envisioning a 3-4 thick trunk on a might sycamore. I (the DM :smallredface:) was envisioning a much thinner maple tree, and the charging horseman easily (even with a -4 to hit from +50% hard cover) plucked him off with his lance. The player took it well, and their mysterious benefactor restored him to life with a wish a bit later.

But to all sides involved (DM & player alike) "COMMUNICATE, DANG IT!"

In our party's defense, our thief was using the big boulder as cover in the prior fight. She'd pop out, take a shot, then vanish back like the stealthy ninja she was. Now I can understand failing MY wizard's stealth check since I was at the edge of the rock and was not-so-stealthy, but our thief should have escaped the prying eyes of the town guards.

Alhallor
2019-05-03, 02:23 AM
"As you hack into the dead tree a black ooze boils out of it. You angered a mighty thing! It teleports you to a dessert and cursed you to count every grain of sand, to get out of there."

Khedrac
2019-05-03, 06:46 AM
"As you hack into the dead tree a black ooze boils out of it. You angered a mighty thing! It teleports you to a dessert and cursed you to count every grain of sand, to get out of there."

If it was to a desert I'd be worried, but with most desserts I would just look around, say "none" and be done with it. Would the topping of an apple crumble count as sand? If so eat it, then say "none"...

noob
2019-05-03, 09:06 AM
maybe it is a gigantic dessert and then you have to live your whole life in the dessert because you always wonder if a part of it could be shapesand.

Alhallor
2019-05-03, 09:47 AM
Nooo, me and my bad spelling! I meant a desert of course.

The local spirit then decided to show up and wanted to make a deal. Half of the life time of one of the party for a way out of the curse. None of the party were having any of that (course the Spirit sounded more like demon than something you coukd actually trust.) Instead of beign trapped in the Dessert forever we were let out by GM fiat. The GM wanted to develop trust between the Characters.

noob
2019-05-03, 10:36 AM
Nooo, me and my bad spelling! I meant a desert of course.

The local spirit then decided to show up and wanted to make a deal. Half of the life time of one of the party for a way out of the curse. None of the party were having any of that (course the Spirit sounded more like demon than something you coukd actually trust.) Instead of beign trapped in the Dessert forever we were let out by GM fiat. The GM wanted to develop trust between the Characters.

It would have been more awesome with a dessert.

Lord Torath
2019-05-03, 11:05 AM
Nooo, me and my bad spelling! I meant a desert of course.

The local spirit then decided to show up and wanted to make a deal. Half of the life time of one of the party for a way out of the curse. None of the party were having any of that (course the Spirit sounded more like demon than something you coukd actually trust.) Instead of beign trapped in the Dessert forever we were let out by GM fiat. The GM wanted to develop trust between the Characters.Tell the spirit you want to think about it before deciding, and ask it to allow you to accept the deal at a later date at those terms. If it says yes, invite the spirit to team-up with the party! As soon as it teams up with you, accept its deal, and offer half its own life to get you out! :smallbiggrin:

NRSASD
2019-05-04, 04:07 PM
Unfortunately from real life- "Sorry guys, my power charger fried and the replacement is a week late"

Ken Murikumo
2019-05-07, 01:08 PM
Nooo, me and my bad spelling! I meant a desert of course.

The way I remember it is from an episode of Stripperella. The show was actually very funny considering it's target audience, but I digress. The Villain Cheap-O (exactly as the name suggests) leaves a note to his henchmen to "catch her and bury her in the dessert". They catch her and drop her into a giant stereotypical dessert; a gargantuan decorative glass mug brimming with bananas, strawberries, whip cream, and ice cream.

She easily climbs out just as Cheap-O returns screaming, "I said 'bury her in the desert' not 'bury her in the dessert'!".

to which his henchman proudly declares, holding the sign up, "No, you said dessert. It has more 'S's because you want more!"

He was then defeated because he realized they we irreversibly in debt because of how much that dessert cost.

ExplodingRat
2019-05-07, 11:45 PM
"Roll for initiative."
When sneaking through the BBEG's lair.

kitanas
2019-05-08, 12:53 AM
"As you hack into the dead tree a black ooze boils out of it. You angered a mighty thing! It teleports you to a dessert and cursed you to count every grain of sand, to get out of there."


hmmmmmm (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcMViXzSrPw)


Nooo, me and my bad spelling! I meant a desert of course.

The local spirit then decided to show up and wanted to make a deal. Half of the life time of one of the party for a way out of the curse. None of the party were having any of that (course the Spirit sounded more like demon than something you coukd actually trust.) Instead of beign trapped in the Dessert forever we were let out by GM fiat. The GM wanted to develop trust between the Characters.


yep, called it

Resileaf
2019-05-23, 11:55 AM
"The beast grabs your unconscious body and flees by diving underground."

Kyutaru
2019-05-23, 12:52 PM
"You failed your stealth check. Roll for initiative." Especially bad when the Rogue is completely solo.

"You have no earthly idea what this monster even is." I hope you memorized the monster manual.

"Make an Intelligence check to see if your character is that stupid." Okay so not all actions are good ideas.

"Rocks fall, everyone dies." Thou shalt not anger thy DM with thy inane plans that would never work.

"Aboleth."

Cygnia
2019-05-23, 01:01 PM
"Aboleth."

Our GM still hasn't forgiven us for humiliating and flushing his Aboleth encounter...:smallbiggrin:

Kyutaru
2019-05-23, 01:16 PM
Our GM still hasn't forgiven us for humiliating and flushing his Aboleth encounter...:smallbiggrin:
http://themonstersknow.com/aboleth-tactics/

"Before combat ever ensues, there’s an opportunity for social interaction with the aboleth, and this should be as weird and scary as you can make it. Remember, the aboleth has a memory going back 450 million years, and its intelligence is as different from a PC’s as a squid’s, a sea urchin’s or a lamprey’s would be. Also, the PCs’ gods annoy it, and at best, it considers them useful idiots. It communicates with them telepathically, knows exactly what they want most, probably finds this either drolly amusing or senseless and absurd, and considers it self-evident that they’d be better off as slimy, aquatic servant-beasts."

I love using an Aboleth and my players hate it because it's the ultimate roleplay villain. I don't even need to roll, it just knows you better than you do and is millions of times more experienced. It's typically an underwater encounter too so lots of disadvantages.

Ornithologist
2019-05-23, 02:20 PM
Something I've made my players dread hearing....

"I can make that work in the story, don't worry." I like to do beware what you wish for.

A thing I neer want to hear my DM say ( or have to say it myself, for that matter. its happened)

"So you do (action1)... Lets see, tha means... Oh.... uh, can we take a 5 min break? I need to figure out the ramifications. Good news though, I don't think anyone dies."

Guizonde
2019-05-23, 02:36 PM
"incoming pain!"

"roll for anal circumference."

"oh, man is this ever gonna suck. for you, at least."

especially hard to take when you know you're about 1/4 or 1/5 of an attack away from going dodo.

also, i've never experienced it myself, but this would suck to hear from a dm.

"i forgot my dice, can i bum some?"