Ring of the Grammarian

[Biggus]

So I stumbled across this thread (https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/5gvasj/my_gm_created_the_ring_of_the_grammarian_allowing/) and it made me laugh.

"My gm created the 'ring of the grammarian' allowing one letter of a spell to be changed, with the effect changing accordingly."

Some of my favourite examples from the thread:

Dog Cloud

Chill Couch

Massage

Entingle

Animate Dad

Lame Arrows

Fry

Pant Growth

Nunburst

Some others I thought of:

Clenched Fish

Spay Living

Discern Pies

What would you do with this, if you had it?

[Talverin]

Summon Mobster.
Discern Vocation.
Air Talk.
Allgood.
Arcane Bye.
Arcane Sock.
Arcane Might (Sounds terrifying, don't it?)
Aspect of the Stig
Bull Lightning (oh god)
Barkshin (Ow!)
Cull Animal
Tireball
Bust Ward
Blightning Bolt
Expand
Fire Shake
Flame Shrike
Force Paunch
Loudkill
Fury of the Gun
Gravity Tow (Always bringing me down.)
Mallow (Stay Puft!)
Meat Metal
Create Stoner
Iron Brody
Ironwool
Hump
Delusional Ride
Mead Blades
Day of Sickening
Life Past
Light Dance
Compassionate Sally
Lock Daze
Lunar Veal (Low gravity = delicious)
Mage Sand
Magic Fissile (Much higher level)
Sad Monkeys
Make Hole
Meld into Stoner
Familiar Welding
Mental Harrier
Touch of Lime (Good for Dos Equis)
Tickle Winds
Mindlick
Mug Narcissism
Moonstuck
Love Earth
Nap Sack
Oath of Pace
Paragon Sarge
Passball
Phantasmal Biller
Vitriolic List (Bard spell)
Rain of Frags
Exward
Mead Magic
Ear-Piercing Cream
Ray of Lickening
Local Alteration
Score (It is still cheating)
Spades (Illusionary cards!)
Tackling Skull
Ass Storm
Shattner
Solid Dog
Snark
Spear of Purty
Spiked Pot
Stormbots
Sunder Beaker
Symbol of Slaughter
Symbol of Crying
Tard Ball
Touch of Slim
Crap the Soul
True Farm
Twilight Gaze
Mass Maze
Unholy Mice Weapon
Unliving Page
Unnatural Bust
Veal of Heaven
Dad Hallucination
Wall of Mire
Wall of Round
Warp Mood
Pi Arrow
Wet Bolt
Ship of Spiders
Whispering Love
Fish
World Save

My whole house got in on this one. This is FANTASTIC.

[Allanimal]

Artists would love “Produce Frame”
I’d keep the house clean with “sweep”
Negotiations stalling? Try “Animate Deal” or “raise deal”

[Cygnia]

Beware the sword of LEMONBANE~!!!!!

[Oracle71]

Magic missive- unerringly hit someone with the truth!

[Biggus]

Summon Mobster
Force Paunch
Sad Monkeys
Familiar Welding
Tickle Winds
Mug Narcissism
Ear-Piercing Cream
Unholy Mice Weapon
Dad Hallucination


These are all genius.



Delusional Ride
Compassionate Sally

OK, I give up, what spells are these based on?


My whole house got in on this one. This is FANTASTIC.

:smile: Yeah, it kept me amused for hours.

[mabriss lethe]

Animate Pope
Antilife smell
Explosive Runs
Bear
Bestow Nurse
bread enchantment
Clock of Chaos
Commute
Purse water
Lice storm
lungstrider
Make Hole
Miner creation
Neutralize Poisson
Overland Fight
Phantom Screed
Molar Ray
Protection from God
Braise Dead
Refudge
Remove Bear
Ironfood
Lusting grasp
Sh!tter
Plow
smellstaff
Summon Munster
Punbeam
Symbol of Bear
Symbol of Sheep
Tiny Hug
Vampiric Torch
{scrubbed}

[Doctor Awkward]

-Quick Lotion

-Dispelling Green

-Degenerate

-Phantom Seed


Heh. This is fun.

[Luccan]

Giant Sike
or
Grant Size
or
Giant Seize

[TiaC]

A while ago, someone fed the spells from 5e's Player's Handbook into a neural network, turned up the randomness and got a lot (https://aiweirdness.com/post/159363915392/new-dd-magic-spells-designed-by-neural-network) of spells (https://aiweirdness.com/post/165373096197/a-neural-network-learns-to-create-better-dd) like this.


Moss Healing Word
Hold Mouse
Barking Sphere
Heat on Farm
True Steake
Finger of Enftebtemang
Fomend’s Beating Sphere
Purping Lightsin
Farming
Wrathful Hound
Q’s Invisibility
Cow of Auraly
Mind Blark
Stone Share
Puijune Magic Furs
Grove of Plants
Conjure Velemert
Vicious Markers
End Wall
Mous of Farts
Cursing
Gland Growth

[Talverin]

Biggus:
Delusional Ride
Compassionate Ally

These are fantastic.

[Biggus]

Animate Pope
Explosive Runs
Bestow Nurse
bread enchantment
Neutralize Poisson
Overland Fight
Braise Dead
Remove Bear



-Degenerate


LOL



Antilife smell


In this vein, it occurs to me that if metamagic feats are allowed, we get Persistent Smell, Silent Smell, Corrupt Smell, Lingering Smell...

[Calthropstu]

Damn this good. I love it, and I will introduce it into the campaign I am running.

[Telonius]

From Arcane Mark:
Arcane Lark (Summons a songbird)
Arcane Bark (Barkskin for the wizard!)
Arcane Mare (alternate Mount spell)
Arcane Mark (summons a guy named Mark)
Arcane Mork (summons Robin Williams in a spacesuit)
Arcane Park (creates a lovely green area)

From Arcane Lock:
Arcane Lack (Antimagic Field)
Arcane Luck (Luck bonus to something)
Arcane Rock (It falls, something dies)
Arcane Dock (Moor your boat)
Arcane Lick (... ew)

From Burning Hands:
Burning Lands (Starts a forest fire)
Burning Wands (Target's wand catches fire)
Burning Hanes (Target's underwear catches fire)

From Alter Self:
Alter Pelf (changes the appearance of money)
Alter Elf (changes how a particular elf looks)
After Self (White Raven Tactics for the wizard)

[MaxiDuRaritry]

Tasha's Hideous Daughter.

Tasha's Hideous Slaughter.

You can't have slaughter without laughter, after all.

[tomandtish]

Firebalm ....

"Wow, that's kind of soothing".

Cloud Kilt...

"Is it drafty in here?"

[Telonius]

Deeper Harkness (... probably impossible to make the description conform to forum rules).

[Calthropstu]

Pathfinder spells:

Tellport: Tell the port all of your problems.
Create Fool and drink: Great for vampires.
Play living: Summon an rpg to play in game.
Freedoom: Become doomed at no charge!
Player: Gain attractiveness to the opposite sex.
Unnatural Bust: Chest grows to three times normal (Unnatural lust)
Charm Mobster: Mobsters are now friendly to you.
Power word Dill: Target becomes pickled.
Summon Miner monster: A monster who will get ore for you!
Planar winding: Winds a plane.
Plane****: Random crap from somewhere.
LongStriker: Hit things from far away (Longstrider)
Gravity Bot: A robot to control gravity. (Gravity bow)
Gravity Box: A box made of gravity. Dunno how that works.
Gravity Now: Increase gravity.
Spellburning: A magic voice appears and says the letters B U R N I N G
Create IT: Creepy killer clown appears (create pit)
Create Fit: Make something that is physically fit.
Knights Falling: Everyone in armor falls over. (Knights calling)
False Mace: Create a plastic weapon. (False face)
False race: Look like a different race.
False pace: Seem to go faster or slower.
Lack Empathy: Someone loses the ability to empathize. (Pack Empathy)
Kid Shout: Some kids yell at you. (Ki shout)
Adroid retrieval: Retrieve a droid. (Adroit Retrieval)
Aerial Tacks: Caltrops in mid air! (Aerial tracks)
Raid: Kills bugs dead. (Aid)
Paid: Yay money!
Hair breathing: Ew. (Air breathing)
Altar musical instrument: Behold the shrine of music.
Altar self: I am god! Worship me!
Animate deed: Your heroic actions reenacted.
Animus Mile: Animals as far as the eye can see. (Animus mine)
Fluid foam: Feels a tad icky.

[Esquire]

Power Word: Bill - enemies must pay for all the collateral damage
Power Word: Blond - changes hair color
Power Word: Stunt - target will never grow taller
Forcemage - like Dominate Person, but specifically for arcane casters
Forcesage - as above, but for divine casters
Forcecave - like Create Pit, but works on ethereal enemies
Forcecape - I don't know, upper-level mage armor?
Telepork - summon bacon from distant lands

[Prime32]

Acid Foe (summons an acid elemental that's good at flanking)
Alter Sell (always turn a profit on your merchandise)
Antipatty (you really, really hate someone named Patricia)
Bleak Enchantment (make people sad)
Cat's Grape (delicious fruit that lures cats)
Death Bard (summons someone to sing an elegy)
Divine Plower (the best farmhand you can ask for)
Dolor Spray (AoE version of Bleak Enchantment)
Hole Smite (fills in gaps)
Jiveoak
Maid (like Unseen Servant, but visible)
Magic Fane (blesses a church)
Pause Fear
Planar Alley (sneak into Sigil)
Programmed Imago (control butterflies)
Protection from Chans (when challenging a drunken master to a fight)
Protection from Pells
Raze
Rusting Gasp (breath weapon)
Shield Otter (it's... on the druid spell list, along with Fish and Sheep)
Shill Metal (transforms steel items into pentifexMoI)
Time Step

[MisterKaws]

From Arcane Mark:
Arcane Lark (Summons a songbird)
Arcane Bark (Barkskin for the wizard!)
Arcane Mare (alternate Mount spell)
Arcane Mark (summons a guy named Mark)
Arcane Mork (summons Robin Williams in a spacesuit)
Arcane Park (creates a lovely green area)


Arcane Ark (When you feel like going Noah)
Arcane Mart (Like Pavilion of Grandeur, but for capitalists)
A Cane Mark (Makes you look like someone slammed a cane onto your face)
Arcane Dark (Even Deeper Darkness?)



From Arcane Lock:
Arcane Lack (Antimagic Field)
Arcane Luck (Luck bonus to something)
Arcane Rock (It falls, something dies)
Arcane Dock (Moor your boat)
Arcane Lick (... ew)


Arcane Mock (For the gishes who thought there was no aggro spell)

Also,

From Slay Living:

Stay Living (Revivify?)
Lay Living (The signature spell of every Dragon)
Splay Living (Various uses, some of which are better left to the reader's imagination)
Slay Loving (Greater Love's Pain?)
Play Living (I don't even know what this one's supposed to do)

From Gate:

Date (Never be a 50-year-old virgin archmagus ever again!)
Gape (...uhh)
Kate (Summons Kate. Which of them is the DM's decision)
Mate (Dragons' signature spell #2)
Ate (Time Stop and Bite of the King, two in one)
Gale (Greater Control Winds?)
Rate (Lesser Analyze Dweomer?)
Grate (Ouch)

[Talverin]

I think I am actually dying. This thread is WAY too funny.

Stealing Chill Couch and Arcane Ark.

[MisterKaws]

I forgot Late (The reversed Time Stop). Kinda Ironic.

[Luccan]

I forgot Late (The reversed Time Stop). Kinda Ironic.

Sate, to stop things eating you just because they're hungry.

[stack]

Since I was reminded of the PF spell unnatural lust above:
Unnatural dust - a sneezing cloud
Unnatural rust - really scares the fighter
Unnatural must
Unnatural gust

From mage hand:
Mage band - summon accompaniment
Mage land - create demiplane?

[Zaq]

Cute light wounds: I'm just gonna let this one sit here.
Amorphous farm: This is why I'm bad at Harvest Moon. (Any spell with "form" can be turned into "farm," which really is just the gift that keeps on giving. Gaseous farm, for instance.)
Stoneskit: Animates a bunch of rocks and makes them perform a short, punchy play.
Bless later: Hey, gods can procrastinate too!
Apprising touch: A bard spell that recaps the target on what's been going on.
Arrow of bonk: Causes an arrow to deal bludgeoning damage instead of piercing damage.
Bestow purse: Gives the target a fetchingly stylish handbag.
Less weapon: Target weapon becomes smaller.
Blending spittle: Oi, get a room, you two!
Blood to cater: A popular conjuration spell among those who have vampires for clients.
Blood wink: I dunno, summons a crappy garage punk band?
Bolt of gory: Yuck. (I think there's a picture of this on pg. 9 of Lost Empires of Faerun.)
Colts of bedevilment: You thought a horsemancer was bad with just mount and regal procession as signature spells? You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Bonediddle: I'm, um, not gonna get in trouble for this one, am I?
Branch to ranch: Turns an ordinary stick into a fully-functioning farm. It's, um, a little OP.
Breath flake: "The hell is that? A dandruff dragon?"
Breath of the jingle: Not sure quite how this works, but it's probably mind-affecting, and I think it gives a bonus on Profession checks.
Chain of yes: This is how bad ideas make it all the way through the publishing cycle.
Chill of the crave: Makes you want something so bad you break out in a cold sweat over it.
Chill of the rave: Gonna let you use your imagination on this one.
Claws of the ear: Gain natural weapons, but take a penalty on Listen checks.
Claws of the year: These claws are just fantastic, man. They've won awards.
Class of the bear: Teaches skills like fishing with your paws, climbing trees, hibernating, and being an apex predator.
Climb wells: Really useful for rescuing little Timmy. Lassie's got a potion of it.
Climb balls: Don't Google this one at work.
Clear mine: Useful for seeing how much ore is left before you dig it out!
Loud-walkers: Creatures in the area take a -20 penalty to Move Silently.
Contagious fob: "Where did you get such a delightful pocket watch? I must have one!"
Contagious fop: What you get when you make contagious fob three spell levels higher.
Copse candle: Smokey the Bear hates this spell. Hates it.
Countermoan: Oh no you don't! MY day was worse!
Crabwall: Can be hammered open, but still, don't get too close.

[Allanimal]

power word bland / remove blandness
Power word blond / remove blondness
Power word blend / remove blendness?

Edit:
Power word kilt
Power word stub
Power word pail


If we can add a letter:
Power word paint
Power word spill
Power word train

Edit 2:
Electric poop

[Saintheart]

Magic Month: because who doesn't want a good 30 days?
Find the Bath: the go-to for rangers all muddied up from a day on the road.
Magic Scone: dwarves probably wouldn't think of this as any different from Magic Stone, but anyway.
Make Whale: have to keep Greenpeace busy
Enlarge Parson: Now Parson Smythe is ten feet tall.
Stare: never fail another staring competition.
Massage: summon a masseuse to work those aches and pains out.
Stout: creates a nice, smoky-flavoured pint.
Spades: generates all your ditch-digging implements at once!
Sanding: makes a surface ready for varnishing.

[stack]

Ant Haul
Ant Maul: covers the target in biting ants
Any Haul: Want to carry back the entire temple? You can haul anything.

Vomit Swarm
Vomit Warm: look, pranks at wizard school get weird, okay.
Vomit Swam: Who doesn't need aquatically motile puke?

Summon Swarm
Summon Warm: Limited protection from elements with an AOE.
Summon Swam: Retroactively apply a bonus to a swim check.

Whip of Ants
Hip of Ants: a creepy prosthetic?
Whip of Pants: It stings, mostly. Not much for damage.
Whip of Wants: Summon greed, basically.
Whip of Rants: A tiresome spell.

[Cygnia]

Acrid Arrow might actually work as a spell

[MaxiDuRaritry]

Acid Arr Ow ! - ...A painful LSD experience for pirates? Drugs arr bad, savvy?

[noob]

amid arrow.
No clue but here it is.

[Gallowglass]

acid a drow

now THAT'S a situationally useful spell.

[Telonius]

Acid Marrow - this seems like it ought to be a Vile spell.

Insect Plaque - target's teeth are covered in bugs.

Remove Purse - why should Rogues have all the fun?

Righteous Wight - changes its alignment to Lawful Good.

Limited Gish, Gish - your party Wizard gets a little (or a lot) better at fighting with swords.

Fail of the Banshee - enemy Banshee rolls 1s for the rest of the combat.

Wall of Iroh - Firebending master appears and stops people from passing by spouting proverbs at them

Iroh Body - Effect depends on the season.

Hold Parson - church leader cannot approach.

Hold Parson, Mass - neither can anybody in the congregation.

[PoeticallyPsyco]

Iroh Body - Effect depends on the season.

It's a shugenja spell! Available to water, earth, and fire shugenjas.

[Hiro Quester]

You can get a lot of funny mileage from Plants-> Pants

Animate Pants (target forced to walk around randomly)
Command Pants (target forced to walk around as you direct)
Diminish Pants (constriction damage)
Pant Growth (pants grow, fall down, causing embarrassment and entanglement)
Speak with Pants (tells you things you probably don’t want to know)
Transport via Pants (there’s a sisterhood involved somehow)

[Calthropstu]

Steep(sleep) Target now flavors liquid.
Bowl's wisdom: you now have 0 wisdom.
Slay diving: kill stuff underwater.
Firebalk: Protection from fire.
FireBale: Why is the hay on fire?
Animate bead: Highly underwelming, unless you animate the beads from a necklace of fireballs. Flying intelligent mine field.
Animate dear: Return your beloved to life!
Day of enfeeblement: The weakness lasts all day!
Disintigrater: You create a grater that destroys stuff. Handle with care.

[Zaq]

Not sure which is funnier between limited wash and limited fish, but I’m delighted by what each of those spells would imply. Including, but not limited to, the promise of higher-leveled “unlimited” versions.

[Saintheart]

Not sure which is funnier between limited wash and limited fish, but I’m delighted by what each of those spells would imply. Including, but not limited to, the promise of higher-leveled “unlimited” versions.

Would limited gish summon a poorly-optimised Duskblade?

[Zaq]

Would limited gish summon a poorly-optimised Duskblade?

I think that’s another term for Tenser’s transformation.

Gish (not limited) is another term for divine power.

[Saintheart]

Faerie Sire - easy way to get yourself the Fey template!
Bark of Justice - Hound Archon's go-to spell!
Mage's Sward - Make sure the wizard tower has a nice front lawn.
Mage Band - Summons Harry Potter and the Chosen Ones for a two hour concert.
Fax's Cunning - a very intelligently-worded but redundant communication arrives.

[Harkness]

So I stumbled across this threa and it made me laugh.

"My gm created the 'ring of the grammarian' allowing one letter of a spell to be changed, with the effect changing accordingly."

Some of my favourite examples from the thread:

Dog Cloud

What would you do with this, if you had it?

Cast Firebal, and watch every spellcaster with OCD take psychic damage.

[Harkness]

amid arrow.
No clue but here it is.

Teleports your enemy to the nearest fired arrow?

Fish: You cast the mightiest summoning spell in the game, duplicating any aquatic creature of 8th level or lower, or a collosal Fish. This Fish can grant you one Wish, subject to it's discernment. It likes bubbles.

Dish: Be our guest, just on a reality warping level.

Dood: Like Doom, but bro-ier.

Wed: Like Web, but instead you cast the iron clad bonds of Marriage on another, binding them in place and placing charm person on them. They can break the chains with a sufficient Will save, or if you decide to spend all your time adventuring and not leaving the seat down.

[stack]

Firebill - flaming bite attack for waterfowl.
Firebell - a sonic effect the causing ignition.
Firehall - defensive spell if your house is flame-resistant.
Firetall - causing flame and smoke to extend higher.
Firecall - speak through flames.
Fireyall - Multitarget flame burst originatinfg in the south.

[noob]

Firebill - flaming bite attack for waterfowl.

I would rework it into Firebill - makes a bill out of fire.

[Telonius]

I wonder if there's a variant ring that Warlocks could use.

Eldritch Beast - Summon monster!
Warlock's Ball - Fancy dress, or your team gains possession
Hideous Brow - Uglifies the target
Dark One's Own Duck - summons a fiendish waterfowl
Devil's Fight - Planar Ally
Mask of Flash - You look like Thompson, Gordon, or Barry Allen, your pick.

[liquidformat]

Play Living (I don't even know what this one's supposed to do)


This is obviously an undead specific spell to pretend to be alive of course.
Animate Hope: Make an autonomous cloud that makes everyone hopeful
Animate Mope: Make an autonomous cloud that makes everyone sad
Animate Tope: go from passed out drunk to superhero mode in one standard action!
Animate Head (really no one did this one in two pages?)
Animate Read: Have a book read to you in an animated fashion including voice changes for different characters!
Turning Hands: touch turns undead
Urning Hands:... not sure the description is forum ok
Aid Walk: summon a walker
Hear: for the def
Tear: make someone uncontrollably sob
Ear: pull a van Gogh
Remove Ear: First step of pulling a van Gogh
Ire Seed: contagion that makes people uncontrollably mad
Ire Storm: a rain that makes everyone in an area uncontrollably mad
Fife Shield: protect yourself with the power of music!
Flesh to Tone: a one spell diet to go from fat to muscular in a snap!
Tone to Flesh: reduce the muscle tone of a creature, -str
Arcane Fight: not sure on this one seems pretty standard dnd
Bur: cover someone in burs ouch!
Beak Enchantment: do things to birds' beaks
Fame Strike: Strike it famous
Fame Arrow: make someone else famous
Project Mage: Throw arcane mages!
Prying Yes: Force people to say yes
Age: Making people older
Head Magic: the magic version of acid?
Dead Magic:
Remove Rear

The powers of the great and mighty Lester:
Lester Confusion: Confuse Lester
Lester Planar Binding: stop Lester from Leaving
Lester Planar Ally: Make From with Lester
Lester Geas: Make Lester Do something
Lester Globe of Invulnerability: Make Lester a sphere of Immune to magic!
Lester Magic Immunity: Make Lester Immune to magic!
Lester Restoration: Make Lester Fix things
Commune with Lester Spirit: Talk to dead Lester
Lester Dragon Ally: Lester Makes Friends with dragons
Lester (Spell Name): Make Lester spell his name or 'Name' (just because this is in the SRD)
Lester Orb of ___: Lester throws stuff at things

[noob]

Bleak Enchantment: that enchantment is so bleak

[Allanimal]

Crease - useful for both origami and laundry!
Bee invisibility - insect swarms can finally stealth!

Chillelagh - not quite sure what it does yet, and I haven’t found a Druid willing to try...

[Biggus]

Bee invisibility - insect swarms can finally stealth!


Actually, that's pretty terrifying. You hear a great buzzing but you can't see anything, next thing you know you're getting stung by a swarm of invisible bees...



Remove Rear


Unscrews your belly button so your butt falls off?

[Thurbane]

Bee invisibility - insect swarms can finally stealth!

Actually, that's pretty terrifying. You hear a great buzzing but you can't see anything, next thing you know you're getting stung by a swarm of invisible bees...

Funnily enough, saw this in my Facebook feed yesterday:

https://www.reddit.com/r/comics/comments/9yhywz/spiders_den/

[Chainguy]

Protechnics: +10 morale bonus on 1 skill per 2CL.
Wall of Irony: anything seen through it is the opposite of it's true nature. -> cast on the edge of a cliff

[Saintheart]

Ball of Iron: Makes cannonballs.

Hall of Iron: Big metal structure

Mall of Iron: Even bigger metal structure.

Wall if Iron Makes a wall, but only if you have a clothes-smoothening implement.

Crying: Makes the opponent weep uncontrollably.

Shatter. Replace the 'a' with an 'i', and you have a spell that creates a flush toilet.

Secrete Chest. You sweat storage boxes.

[goodpeople25]

Foodberry
Moodberry
Food Hope
Good Pope
Guards and Warts
Molar Ray
Bill's Strength
Bat's Grace
Oil's Wisdom
Creeping Doof
Store of Vengeance
Drying Eyes
Phantom Steel
Pastwall
Bong of Discord
Symbol of Gain

And now for maximum laziness:
Holy Animal
Holy Monster
Holy Person
Holy Portal
Hold Aura
Hold Smite
Hold Sword

[MisterKaws]

Food Hope
Good Pope


Good Hop. For the Jumplomancers.

[liquidformat]

Drying Eyes

The counter spell to



Crying: Makes the opponent weep uncontrollably.

[Telonius]

Hold Postal - delays delivery of any Message spells until the duration ends.

[stack]

Many of these are PF spells.

Acid Slash - damage swapped burning blades (Acid Splash)
Chameleon Sales - a niche market (Chameleon Scales)
Dancing Blights - for the necromantic party scene (Dancing Lights)
Fare - a cantrip for paying tolls (Flare)
Path of Anonymity - grant trackless step (Oath of Anonymity)
Gray of frost - bleak weather (Ray of frost)
Abjuring Stop - a specific school counter (Abjuring Step)
Adhesive Skittle - shoot sticky candy (Adhesive Spittle)
Arcane Rocket - I want this one to be real now (Arcane Pocket)
Jungle - create heavy forestation (bungle)
Clarion Fall - trip anyone who makes loud noise (Clarion Call)
Coward's Owl - track fleeing enemies with a nocturnal avian (Coward's Cowl)
Crafter's Purse - holds your crafting supplies (Crafter's Curse)
Rafter's Curse - hiding near the ceiling becomes dangerous (Crafter's Curse)
Ramp Powder - use loose dust to create an incline (Damp Powder)
Dazzling Glade - it really is lovely (Dazzling Blade)
Rumblestep - add sonic damage to movement (Fumblestep)
Illusion of Palm - handy for sleight of hand checks (Illusion of Calm)
Lump - creates a raised sore spot (Jump)
Magic Fissile - very dangerous (Magic Missile)
Memorize Sage - learn from a master very quickly (Memorize Page)
Memorize Rage - why not prepare it normally? (Memorize Page)
Memorize Cage - frankly, I would rather forget it (Memorize Page)
Monkey Gish - a dangerous but amusing summons (Monkey Fish - yes, really. The base name is funnier than the alteration.)
Protection from Grod - the Flash needs this one (protection from good)
Restore Copse - useful to repair the forest after the blighter comes through (Restore Corpse)
Sculpted Gape - really hold that facial expression (Sculpted Cape)
Shadow Rap - sometimes you need background music (Shadow Trap)
Spock Shield - protection from logic (Shock Shield)
Snowfall - limited control weather (Snowball)
Starfight - epic spell (Starsight)
Stumble Rap - counters shadow rap (Stumble Gap)
Undine's Purse - creates a waterproof haversack (Undine's Curse)
Unhallowed Bows - grants the unholy property to ranged weapons (Unhallowed Blows)

[Mike Miller]

Summon Smarm

Lesser Peas
Lesser Teas
Lesser Gels
Lesser Gems

Antimagic Day

Prismatic Hall

Launch Colt
Launch Bold
Launch Bola
Launch Dolt

Rage Hand

[MisterKaws]

Rage Hand

Age Hand, for those whose hands never quite grew up.

[Mike Miller]

Age Hand, for those whose hands never quite grew up.

I imagined rage hand as just shaking your fist at your enemy. "Darn you!" *Shakes fist* Rage Hand!


Also:

Bestow Purse

Clenched Fish

Crushing Sand

Slur

Bleak Enchantment

Chair Lightning

Alone

Cloudfill

Contusion

Continual Blame

Dancing Wights

Dartvision

Detect Crying

Detect Secret Moors

Dimensional Sock

Discern Vocation

Cream

Energy Train

Explosive Dunes

Eyebile

False Wife

Farse Life

Wire Shield

Tireball

Hog Cloud

Gaseous Farm

Ghoul Pouch

Glob of Invulnerability

Crease

Paste

Mold Person

Cold Monster

Horrid Tilting

Rice Storm

Mace Hand

Magic Car

Manor Image

Bending

Find Blank

Faithful Sound

Count

Love Earth

Overland Fight

Overland Fright

Passwall (without the "P")

Phantom Seed

Planar Bonding

Ponymorph

Polymorph Many Object

Red Magic

Seduce Person
Mass Seduce Person

Refugee

Remove Purse

Pope Trick
Rope Track

Scorching Hay

Secret Wage

Shadow Talk

Shatner

Greater Shoot

Sleep Storm

Plow

Soup Bind

Smell Turning

Sconeskin

Scone to Flesh

Flesh to Scone

Funburst

Floating Dish
Floating Desk

Transmute Sock to Mud

True Peeing

Vampiric Couch

Later Breathing

Caves of Exhaustion

[Zaq]

Rage hand pairs nicely with ireball. Who says rage mages are garbage? Aside from everyone?

You can have a lot of fun turning ray into rag. Scorching rag is clearly soaked in something it shouldn't be soaked in. Rag of enfeeblement sounds like a cursed item. Rag of salt is a great example of why you need to wash your sweatbands now and again. Ruby rag of reversal is an absolutely terrible name for a band.

Finder of death makes you really good at scavenging. Flinger of death, on the other hand, is somewhat grosser.

Bigby's clenched mist is like solid fog, but it's a few spell levels higher (with everything that implies). Bigby's clenched fast replicates the feeling of Day One of a new diet and imposes some bad penalties if the target fails its Fort save.

Speaking of Bigby, Bigby's interposing band clearly summons the Elite Beat Agents.

Flesh to malt is somehow both endearingly cartoony and completely horrifying.

Calm lightning is like control weather, but it's lower-level because all it does is stop storms. Still useful in a seafaring game.

Chaos hummer: You know those people who always seem to have some kind of tune in their head, but they're really bad at conveying what it is? That.

Repel wool keeps you safe from sheep and from folks wearing certain kinds of clothing.

Remove gear is another term for disjunction.

Remove tear counters and dispels crying.

[Jowgen]

Nark of the Hunter:
Paladin/Ranger 2, 1 round/CL, range 30 ft +5/CL, no save, SR yes

Target up to 2/CL creatures within range and point at them accusingly . This spell then summons the figment of a random creature next to them that looks like it would fit in with the target creature(s), but more feeble and nervous looking: the Nark. All target creatures assume they have some passing familiarity with the Nark, thinking it a minion or passing acquaintance. For the duration of the spell, you can make one accusation against one or more of the target creatures per turn, and if the accusation is correct, the Nark will point out which target creature is guilty and how. After the spell ends, the target creatures don't remember the Nark but remain convinced that someone sold them out.

[Zaq]

Bill’s strength: Target’s STR becomes 12. Will negates.

[ben-zayb]

Misintegrate completely jumbles targets up at the subatomic level.

Magic Misfile messes up the organization of the targets' documents.

Evard's Black Pentacles is for targets to reminisce on that phase involving cults and demon worship.

Detect Manic is really useful for diagnosing certain illnesses.

[PoeticallyPsyco]

I'm going to return to the idea of adjusted Warlock invocations:

Dark One's Own Pluck - plays a single (evil) note on a stringed instrument

Eldritch Bast - summons egyptian goddess of cats, but Cthullu-fied.

Dorkness - no explanation needed

Hungry Dorkness

Eldritch Pear - at will food! Some side effects may occur.

Y'all Seeing Eyes - inflicts illusory eyes in an AOE

Aleful Utterance - the drink counterpart to Eldritch Pear.

Breach of the Night - situational but useful ability to blast a hole in any wall, but only when it's dark out. Alternatively, breach like a whale.

Sold Comfort - profitable.


I'll probably do some more of these later.

[daremetoidareyo]

Mace hand is fun. It's a semi debuff.

Not as thought provoking as "Mage hard".

[MisterKaws]

Aleful Utterance - the drink counterpart to Eldritch Pear.

Eldritch Wine is classier.

[zfs]

I love this, but I've been expanding it in my head to other things, like classes and feats.

Bread Necromancer - Your discarded moldy baked goods are his army.

Noid Disciple - One who studies in the art of stealing pizzas from a particular chain restaurant.

Iroc Will - Through sheer determination, you become the owner of a Camaro.

I'm also enjoying its sister item, the Ring of the Anagrammarian. With spells like:

Pot Mites - Conjure tiny insects in a jar that live on cannabis.

E-Tag - Electronically mark your stuff.

Clam Ire - Enrage all bivalves within range.

[Biggus]

I'm also enjoying its sister item, the Ring of the Anagrammarian. With spells like:

Pot Mites - Conjure tiny insects in a jar that live on cannabis.

E-Tag - Electronically mark your stuff.

Clam Ire - Enrage all bivalves within range.

Awesome! This opens up a whole new arena...

Clam emotions - for dealing with those irate clams

Mice rots - a little known but very unpleasant disease

Find sprat - for when you've lost your sprat

Past without races - very specific memory eraser

[Calthropstu]

Entanklement. Target is stuck in a tank.

[Feantar]

You're a banshee, living in a necropolis. You got into some debt, attempted to gather the money through illegal means, and was arrested by the NPD (Necropolis Police Dept.). While waiting in jail, penniless, you get an idea. You take out your ring of the grammarian (don't ask me where you hid it) and case Bail of the Banshee.
You face an insolent commoner who keeps telling you that you're not a real witch. Turning him into a frog is so blasé though. Therefore, you invoke the eldritch dweomer of Power Word: Flind!
Your companions mocked you when you bought a donkey instead of a noble steed like a horse or a dragonnel. Little do they know that, when the enemy ambushes you at night and goes for your only means of escape, you have an ace up your sleeve. Ass Invisibility!
Have you ever heard of a piece of music so beautiful that made you exclaim, if it was a person, you'd marry it? Now it's possible, with Tone to Flesh!
Heylel the wise old beggar always carries around an empty bowl. If someone places a copper piece within the bowl, the old man puts his ear against it and then speaks his wise words to the phillanthropist. But Heylel has a secret - his erudition isn't innate - he has instead utilised Bowl's Wisdom.
Are you a ruler who faces a growing revolution, and wishes to supress it? Are you worried that the presence of security forces will damage your public image further instead of ending the hostilities? Never fear. With our new product you can suppress personal freedoms while appearing to offer entertainment to the people! Buy Guards and Bards today!
Are you hounded by a horde of elephants? Are you in danger of being trampled? We have the solution: Wall of Mice!
For a romantic picnick with a Fire Genasi, use our custom Fire Tarp.
Are you feeling old? Not getting the colloquialisms of those youngsters? And what the hell does bae mean anyway? With our potion, you'll regain your Teen Edge.
Are your finals giving you nightmares? Did you not study for the test? Behold! The Secret Sage will give you all the answers.
You have entered a cave - it is dark and you have no light source. As you go deeper and deeper into the abyss, a nameless fear overcomes you - you've heard the stories. And yet, you've come prepared. As the appendage of the mythical beast reaches for your neck, you cast your spell. In response it says "I am not eating one more adventurer until I get a raise!". Witness the power of Grue Strike!
You have a feeling that orcs are not helpful in your society but your colleague, using statistics, demonstrates that you're just biased. No more. Cast Neutralize Poisson and statistics will no longer clash with your feels.
Are you a svirfneblin and found yourself in Drow city, facing discrimination and blatant racism? Cast Pass without Race, and your troubles will be no more.

Finally, a few with no pitches:
Dope Trick (For when you need to impress and confound), Explosive Dunes (useful in desert campaigns), Alter Elf (because those elves have it too good), Alter Shelf (in case you set it crooked), Care (use on villains to make them allies), False Wife (for student reunions), Hatter (for fashion emergencies), Deduce Person (when you're in a Poirot style investigation to find the murderer), Chill Torch (in cases where you need to take a torch somewhere flammable), Colour Spray (for when you want to spell things correctly, for once:P), Bloating Disk (use on a tank to cause a disk henriation), Hold Mortal (Not funny, but makes a pretty useless spell really useful), Create Waiter (no more self service, and if they sneeze, you can also bless them), Dental Pinnacle (For a beautiful smile), Ethereal Aunt (no comments), Death Word(Save or die at level 4?), Meld into Stoned (A way to follow Gandalf around after the halfling's leaf has slowed his mind), Zoom (To avoid paying 1000 gp for a telescope).

[Twurps]

In this vein, it occurs to me that if metamagic feats are allowed, we get Persistent Smell, Silent Smell, Corrupt Smell, Lingering Smell...

Good thing mundane smell resistance is easy to come by.....
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/20/Clothespin-2459e.jpg/220px-Clothespin-2459e.jpg

[ezekielraiden]

To truly warp the laws of nature, only two spells need you use:
scrying, and
tears to wine

Available to seventh-level druids, wizards, bards, shaman, witches, and sorcerers; and high-level cleric/oracles. Get some other source of automatic crying and many of them could do it at first level!

[unseenmage]

Miner Sevitor - diggy diggy hole

Create Crawlin Flaw - for when you buddy across the room needs to pick up another feat.

Awaken Band or Awaken Land either way it should sound epic.

[Zaq]

You can have endless fun with turning fog into frog.

Acid frog.

Frog cloud.

Chilling frog.

Frog of insects.

I want to see a bunch of slaadi who have these as their signature spells.

[ben-zayb]

I'm also enjoying its sister item, the Ring of the Anagrammarian. With spells like:

Pot Mites - Conjure tiny insects in a jar that live on cannabis.

E-Tag - Electronically mark your stuff.

Clam Ire - Enrage all bivalves within range.I swear I am not hungry, but:

Retcon Ale Worth: that cheap booze you bought turns out to be from a long-forgotten legendary distillery
Coming Eats: teleports food to your location
Muster Nomnoms I-IX: summons animated food of increasing power (in flavor)
Quaker Hate: destroys a specific brand of oats
Filet Has Lentil: accompanies your thin slice of meat with a healthy helping of lentils
Feed Sires: provides food for fathers and other men of high social status
Torrent of Crimp Olive: a rushing wave of pressed olive, which I suppose means olive oil
It's Jon's Aged Cumin!: Get overwhelmed with the malodorous essence of this classic spice, aged by Jon himself.
So, Larger Penne?: Turns your pen-shaped pasta bigger
Lactic Egg Macaroni is Cash: Converts milk-based, egg-based Macaroni into a quick monetary reward.
Lactic Egg Macaroni is God: Converts milk-based, egg-based Macaroni into deific power.
(Light/Moderate/Serious/Critical) Uncured Sow (Mass): Summon pork from female pigs of diminishing degrees of preservation by salting, drying, or smoking. The mass version summons more meat.

[Elves]

Baleful Polomorph - Force opponent to look preppy
Vanishment
Slack Tentacles - make the kraken let him go
Black Pentacles - black magick
Blade Carrier - for backup weapons
Blade Parrier - stands by and keeps you safe
Glade Barrier - druid spell
Blare Barrier - soundproofing
Blaze Barrier - off-brand wall of fire
Bliss
Bless Hater - turn the other cheek

[Malphegor]

Mordenkainen’s Board- it conjures up a board game. The rules are different each time it is conjured.