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Drache64
2019-09-02, 10:43 AM
I am about to begin a long campaign with a party of 3 female party members. I don't know them that well and haven't played with them before. I have played previously with mostly male party members.

Are there any table manners I should be aware of? Anything that males typically do that I might be blind to and need to watch out for that can create a hostile or uncomfortable environment?

Ladies out there, have any stories to tell that I could learn from?

Edit: I am a player too, the DM is also a man. And I'm married so no worries about sexual tension. I meant things to look out for in terms of accidentally being too domineering

CombatBunny
2019-09-02, 10:56 AM
Well, I would like to recommend simply not to make a big fuzz about them being females. At least until you get to know them, try to treat them as neutral as possible, make the NPCs interact with them as if they were nothing more than another group of adventurers. Don’t make every villager they encounter bow and point out how beautiful they are.

JNAProductions
2019-09-02, 11:00 AM
Remember: They're people first, and women second.

Now, speaking as a cisgendered male, so take my advice with perhaps a little salt, but I'd just be polite, and in general treat them how you'd want to be treated. It might be a little awkward, but that happens, and isn't the end of the world.

LibraryOgre
2019-09-02, 11:00 AM
Well, first of all, don't refer to them as "females". You sound like a Ferengi, and most women I know hate that.

Secondly, though, touch them as you would touch any man you don't know well. Don't offer backrubs, don't hug them unless they offer (you might offer a hug, if they seem amenable, and give them the option to say no, even without saying the word no). Oh, and since it's a thing I've had to deal with, don't insist that you have to touch them in person in order to heal their characters. It's creepy and weird.

And, lastly, watch the other people for the table for cues. Most games will be ok with you stealing from bad guys. Most games are OK with a bit of violence. But if you get into details and start taking physical trophies (in game), and people are looking squicked out, pay attention to that.

Evil DM Mark3
2019-09-02, 12:00 PM
It is my experience that, for a range of complex reasons that suck, some women tend to be nervous of men with big, outgoing personalities. But that isn't a problem because being nervous around the guy with the big, outgoing personality is a common experience for newbie RPGers who aren't comfortable with DnD and RPing yet. So, IF you notice people being nervous around you then just hold back like you would for a first-timer.

Note the capitol IF. Its good to plan in case things go sideways, because unfortunately they can, but don't start acting like they will because then you are just re-enforcing the reasons that they happen.

There is a certain breed of male gamer that I have noticed tends to rub all female gamers up the wrong way, but they rub most male gamers up the wrong way too and if you are asking you probably aren't one.

Oh, and don't call them females.:smallsmile:

MonstarDM
2019-09-02, 12:17 PM
Well, don't act like a jerk is (should be) obvious. Though a couple Female ones are:

1.Manspreading. A lot of guys take up a lot of physical space, plus they like the area around them clear for a couple feet and more so they ''claim'' areas by placing thier stuff in that location.

You want to avoid doing all of that, and more so be aware of it. If you do need or like lots of space, try sitting away from others. At the end or other side of the table, or such.

If you still need a clue about space, just make a note of how much space each one of them uses, takes up, or claims.

2.Mansplaning. This is not only a big problem in real life, but this can be a big huge problem in the game. It's typical for a lot of Gamers to explain things to others, often talking down to them too. Women are overly sensitive to this, so you want to avoid it. Don't explain anything unless you are asked, and then keep it short. You want to be helpful, not teach a class on the game to five year olds.

3.Dominance. Again, another real life problem that only get amplfyed in the game. It's quite easy for most any man to ''take control" and most women ''let them". Sort of. And this very often happens in games with all guys too: the more Alpha guy takes control and the Beta guys just let him.

Women do group activities...mostly....as team efforts. They want to be a part of an equal team with equal members. So try an join the team, not lead it.

Faily
2019-09-02, 12:33 PM
Things I have had to deal with as a woman playing with mostly guys, and what you shouldn't do:


- don't interrupt them or talk over others (women especially, because I can clearly tell you that women experience this a lot more). If it happens that you accidentally start to talk when someone else does or you thought they were finished, just saying something as simple as "sorry, go on, you first". It's something I've started to do myself when I feel like I interrupted someone, but I have been in situations at the table where I could not get a word in that it got so frustrating that I started to cry. Not my favorite moment.


- unless you're very good at playing female characters, please try to not do it. It's one of the things I've had to just accept in one of my playgroups, and sometimes it gets a little weird or off-putting to have to deal with the fantasy of playing a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl or something similar. It's just... weird. Hearing things like "she's dressed revealingly but it's kind of innocent and tasteful". It's just :smallsigh: .


- just be nice and respectful. Be natural.


- don't be afraid to let them take the lead on things. And if they made a bad choice, don't be like "you should've listened to me". Just roll with it, everyone makes bad choices sometimes.

False God
2019-09-02, 01:38 PM
As a guy who has played with women before:

Some women are just like men. Dirty, foul-mouthed, smelly and loud with no sense of personal space. Don't hold any expectations that because your fellow players are female that they will be "ladylike". Maybe they are. Maybe they aren't.

Max_Killjoy
2019-09-02, 01:50 PM
As others have said, first, treat them like people, because that's what they are, right? Don't try too hard to do special treatment "because women", that can end up just as bad. Threat them as you'd want to be treated, and treat them as fellow gamers who are all there to have a good time and chill.

Special note based on past observations of other gamers... the gaming table is not a dating service. Never say never, but be REALLY careful before going down that path. (That part not for OP, but just a general note...)

Themrys
2019-09-02, 03:29 PM
I am about to begin a long campaign with a party of 3 female party members. I don't know them that well and haven't played with them before. I have played previously with mostly male party members.

Are there any table manners I should be aware of? Anything that males typically do that I might be blind to and need to watch out for that can create a hostile or uncomfortable environment?

Ladies out there, have any stories to tell that I could learn from?

Edit: I am a player too, the DM is also a man. And I'm married so no worries about sexual tension. I meant things to look out for in terms of accidentally being too domineering


All of my negative experiences playing with men are men who hit on women at the table, men who sexually molest female characters in game, and men who are misogynist asshats while DMing.

So it seems you think you won't do any of that, anyway.

The worst thing that's likely to happen is that someone mistakenly thinks you are hitting on her (because that sort of thing happens all the time, and since male rpg players are often socially awkward, they often are overly friendly and helpful instead of just asking a woman out, so ... normal friendlyness might get mistaken for that), so ... mention that you are happily married if they don't know already.


Don't let the DM be a misogynist asshat. You won't be blamed if you don't challenge misogynist behaviour, but if everyone but you are women, you could find yourself without a group or without a DM, depending, so it is wise to not let things escalate. So if you notice that all NPCs stick to stereotypical gender roles even though the setting explicitly says they shouldn't, or if the boss of everything is always a man, point it out to the DM in private. (I tolerated this sort of thing for a long while because I wanted to play, and as a result I now have a horror story to tell because ... he was doing it on purpose, and got much, much worse. The GM in question would likely not have changed his ways if called out on it, but I now wonder if I could have kept the group and found a new GM, or gotten a player to GM if I had recognized the problem earlier.)



Okay, I also have negative experiences with: Male players eating takeaway meals at the table when everyone else isn't eating (just a bit rude) and male players spending more time cuddling with their girlfriend than playing the game (very annoying).
That sort of thing doesn't usually come to mind when such questions are asked because it isn't nearly as bad as the other stuff I had happen. So, yeah.

Mr Beer
2019-09-02, 06:07 PM
Women are people, so I tend to treat them like people...it seems to work OK. If you the kind of person who socialises with women in a friendly manner and works with women in a professional manner, I don't really see what else you need to add. Like, don't make sexist jokes and don't grope them? I assume you already know that.

The one stand out from above posts is the thing about not shouting over them, because every table I ever played at had a bare minimum of one guy who gets loudly overexcited about being in the spotlight. IME women tend to be more reluctant to simply carry on cranking up the volume in order to prevent being interrupted.

KineticDiplomat
2019-09-02, 11:05 PM
So...for an alternative view:

You would never ask or expect a female player or GM to change how she interacted with a group of male players. Indeed, to suggest that she should actively change her behavior to be more in line with male social norms would be considered rather sexist. So don't change yours. Provided you aren't a raging barbarian trying to hit on everything with two legs at the table (which we would also find odd from most female players), you'll be fine.

OldTrees1
2019-09-02, 11:38 PM
To reinforce what others are saying:

It does not matter. You are sitting down at a table with 4 other people (1 being the DM). Be respectful to other people because they are people.

That is all.

Drache64
2019-09-03, 05:03 AM
Thanks for all the advice everyone!

I knew I might draw the ire of others because this seems like I might want to treat women differently, and they'd be right. Testosterone is a real thing and affects men in millions of ways we become blind to, the same way estrogen affects women. Someone with a high dose of epinephrine coursing through them would appreciate different treatment than someone with a high dose of dopamine.

I was afraid I might be too used to a group of men where we can many times subconsciously be vying for dominance without even realising it and then find myself accidentally steamrolling the party because no one else saw a need to challenge my dominance but instead just simply felt uncomfortable.

I like advice, I like getting others opinions even ones i could potentially severely disagree with because it provides me with perspective I could never find within myself.

As an added benefit to getting tons of advice and perspective I also thought this would be a good discussion in this community and you people haven't disappointed me at all.

Thank you for all the replies!

Evil DM Mark3
2019-09-03, 05:41 AM
Just had a chance to mention this to my wife. Her opinion is that someone genuinely worried about the situation is unlikely to encounter it. Given that I met her in a gaming group I consider her opinion on this fairly reliable :).

comicshorse
2019-09-03, 05:51 AM
The one stand out from above posts is the thing about not shouting over them, because every table I ever played at had a bare minimum of one guy who gets loudly overexcited about being in the spotlight. IME women tend to be more reluctant to simply carry on cranking up the volume in order to prevent being interrupted.

From my experience this is the one that has been a problem the most. Just be aware that somebody else might be trying to speak or still have stuff to say before blurting out whats on your mind. We didn't even realize we were doing this until a female player slammed her Bokken (iaido enthusiast) into the table and then pointed out what we were doing in the utter silence that followed. The lesson was well learned

Imbalance
2019-09-03, 08:58 AM
The fact that you're asking suggests that you already have better-than-average social situational awareness that should serve you well. Don't focus on biological status at the expense of the individual. Just play the game at hand, and allow new friends to reveal themselves through the medium of shared story.