View Full Version : Journal Jenna's List

2019-09-03, 05:45 PM
A couple weeks ago, our table started up a 1950's-style dirty martini supernatural spy game based in part on the Delta Green rpg. In lieu of keeping a formal journal, we've decided to compile a list of the valuable life lessons learned by our characters--with as little context as possible.

Without further ado, here is the list of things Detective Jenna Schwartz (no relation) and her co-workers are no longer allowed to do in Delta Green.

Not allowed to use a squad car to perform PIT maneuvers while a foreign national hangs out of the passenger window firing a sniper rifle.
Especially if the other vehicle belongs to a state trooper.
Even if said trooper is probably possessed by a "space fiend."
A silver wyrmling is not a K9 unit.
Not allowed to "smash the alien spaceship with a shovel."
Not allowed to feed security guards' blatant racism in order to gain access to a secure location.
Vampires do exist. So do werewolves. Atlantis does not.
The Camarilla are not "delusional blood-cultist weirdos." (See #7.)
Anemia does not grant me superpowers.
Not allowed to engage trained attack hawks in aerial combat during a stealth mission.
Telenovela marathons are not "free, in-house therapy."

2019-09-05, 10:10 PM
Another table member here, with more items to add to the list. Some of these life lessons are more valuable than others.
Will edit this list later as our super spies valiant heroes gang of bumbling fools(?) learn more lessons

12. Vending machines are easier gotten into than gotten out of.
13. Real Texans put their thumbs in their belts.
14. Real nurses don't leave the hospital while on duty.
15. Silver wyrmlings, no matter their intelligence score, are not considered service animals and therefore are not allowed in the library.
16. Not allowed to assume enemy bases are free of traps.
17. If it's not in the library, we're out of luck.
18. Not allowed to spoil telenovela endings before they've happened.
19. Marsupial Man is only a comic book character.
20. Not allowed Highly encouraged to tackle crime penguins on the street.

2019-09-23, 12:15 AM
The good news is the campaign is still going. The bad news is, as it turns out, large groups do not lend themselves to spy games. Thus, a couple of the spies were kidnapped by space pirates, picked up a crew in Tortuga the Rock of Brawl, and set out to plunder Wildspace. Fear not, however. Life lessons are still being learned, particularly by the crew of the Knight Errant.

2019-09-30, 10:26 PM
I love a good genreblend :smallsmile:

2019-10-14, 02:50 AM
As stated before, a couple of our beloved bumbling spies were picked up and whisked away into a wild wacky wonderland of space piracy privateering. After acquiring a crew and stealing legally purchasing a ship, our protagonists have learned, or refused to learn, many more lessons.
Without further ado...
1. Not allowed to breed dire rats in cargo hold for free xp.
2. If you value your skeleton in its current position (within your body) do not anger the mushrooms.
3. Sometimes your life is worth more than a space laser.
4. Disagreeing with your political views does not automatically change a creature's type to "monstrosity."
5. 2" diameter rocks, regardless of whether they are orbiting anything, are not planets.
6. Neither are they dwarf planets.
7. Or planetesimals.
8. Not allowed to attach said rocks to the bottom of hull with space glue and claim to be a sovereign nation establishing territory on a previously unclaimed asteroid.
9. Even if we were a sovereign nation, the evil space elf police are not obligated to work for us.
10. Also not allowed to tax other nations for approaching/entering our "borders."
11. Placing several rocks in orbit around our ship does not make our air bubble a solar system, nor does it make our ship a planet with moons.
12. Jedi is copyrighted. She's a Space Knight.
13. Spelljammers are just holes in space that you pour money into.

2019-10-15, 02:46 PM
14. With regard to #3, not allowed to jeopardize a rescue mission in order to steal an animated rail gun. Even if we are bloody pirates!
15. Online piracy only applies to digital entities. Therefore, we cannot download the grey elf prison base.
16. Appropirate discipline for a rogue who fails a stealth check does not include allowing the grey elves to turn him into a slavering plant zombie.
17. Context has no place on this list. However, it should be applied when explaining the above situation to fellow crewmembers.
18. No longer allowed to charter a ship to "so-called Blood Space" without first succeeding on a history check.
19. Not allowed to bark at crows... even if they bark back!
20. Not allowed to assume that a starving werewolf will ignore the food conveniently crossing its lair.
21. Accepting a job that involves traveling to a long-abandoned city overrun by monstrosities that will almost certainly kill us all now requires a two-thirds majority vote.

2019-10-21, 12:54 AM
22. Not allowed to challenge fellow crew members to a duel for the affection of the bishie NPC. This especially applies to the co-captains.
23. The spell's proper name is "Leomund's Tiny Hut," not "Love Shack, Baby."
24. Future applications for the position of ship's medic will include an inquiry into the applicant's tendency toward hemophobia.
25. Telenovelas are not a legitimate source of dating advice.
26. There are[n't] better uses for "bountiful luck" than playing someone's wing-woman.
27. At no time should there be two blood-starved beasts between the tank and the warlock.

2019-10-21, 09:24 PM
28. Always keep a good store of fresh water (and alcohol, if it can be managed) around, as you never know when we'll need it.
29. However, this water is not to be used as a means to convince the aforementioned bishie NPC(s) to run away and become space pirates.
30. Also, not allowed to let said NPC distract us from the active threat in front of us, no matter the strength of the gravitational field created by them.
31. Not allowed to let the ship's medic get out of sight while in an abandoned city.
32. Not allowed to shout "**** the church" in a town where the church owns everything.
33. Not allowed to walk within arms' reach of the legless zombies. Cantrips exist for a reason. Come on, guys, they can't even move.
34. If one crewmember has obvious affection for another, and the recipient of that affection is somehow unaware of it, it is best to resolve the issue before alcohol becomes involved.
35. While a high-velocity tungsten rod will solve most problems, it tends to create more problems than it solves, especially when the impact site is quite near to a populated city. (It should be noted that this is a note for the future, not a lesson learned.)

2019-10-28, 12:22 AM
36. The co-captains are no longer allowed to fight to the death over a tricorner hat, no matter how cool the feather in it is.
37. Not allowed to let weird blood cultists perform craniosectomies on crewmates.
38. Not allowed to threaten blood cultists with "a cannonball to the chest."
39. Not allowed to utilize two conflicting styles of investigation at the same time.
40. Not allowed to accept weird skulls from blood cultists.
41. Not allowed to eat these skulls.
42. Not allowed to steal brain mist from blood cultists and then throw it at them.
43. Letters of marque do not justify us selling illegal black magic skulls.
44. Not allowed to order a blood spiced latte from Starbloods.
45. Not allowed to assume the blood church will not send assassins after us.
46. The spell's name is not "Leomund's Racist Love Shack," either.
47. Not allowed to montage through a city full of beasts.
48. Not allowed to "have a nice afternoon at the beach" overlooking a harbor that smells like dead fish and looks not too dissimilar.
49. Locks do not need to be picked by committee.

2019-11-05, 03:11 AM
Last episode of this arc! Up next, watch the crew deal with the assorted and plentiful mental, emotional and physical scars received over the last 10 days.
50. Not allowed to "use the Force" to detect a presence nearby, even if a 33 Investigation check was rolled.
51. Not allowed to trust random strangers met in weird abandoned cities.
52. See #51 again, just for emphasis.
53. Especially if they "forget" that there were traps.
54. "Because there's treasure" is not a valid reason to risk one's life.
55. Not allowed to attempt to climb through a narrow crevice 3 times, especially if it was plainly obvious the first time that one's high Charisma score would prevent them from getting through.
56. Not allowed to trust random strangers met in weird abandoned villages, either.
57. Not allowed to talk to the weird mute girl in the church, not allowed to accept trinkets from the weird mute girl, and certainly not allowed to follow the weird mute girl into the church's basement.
58. Not allowed to accept "hey, wanna see something swell?" as a reason to follow the NPC with a literal serial killer smile. See #s 51 and 56.
59. Not allowed to accept portal keys from the serial killer NPC.
60. Not allowed to take a random trip to Sigil during a mission with a time constraint.
61. Not allowed to let eldritch heathen gods join the party. Even if they are currently missing their memories.
62. Not allowed to let the heathen goddess cook breakfast.
63. Not allowed to torment bartenders who are just doing their job.
64. Ships' captains should not be given legal authority.
65. Not allowed to treat souls as if they had proportional value.
66. Once a soul is sold, it cannot then be sold again unless its current holder is willing to part with it.
67. #48 applies to romantic nights at the harbor, too.
68. Not allowed to cause another religious uprising "just for fun."
69. Not allowed to leave the co-captain alone with weird blood cultist skulls. See #41.
70. Not allowed to dagger-slide down the sail on a ship you do not own.

2019-11-05, 05:02 PM
Russian Wizard covered just about all of it. But, since it's the end of the arc, I'll go ahead and throw my two coppers in anyway :smallwink:

71. The boss monster is called "the Great One Beast," not "Spaz Attack."
72. They're humans, not twicelings.
73. Drow are not mostly liquid, whatever the co-captain may think. See #55.
74. Edgy vampyre outfits do not pair well with pumpkin spice lattes.
75. Not allowed to manhandle the angry 12-year-old paladin currently dual wielding rapiers.
76. Regulations now prohibit rainbow-striped boots of a color saturation likely to blind the uninitiated.
77. No longer allowed to harass the bird-person for his unorthodox child-rearing methodology.
78. Not longer allowed to ask the hexblade what her dagger is saying. The answer is, and always has been, "you don't want to know."
79. With regard to #64, specifically no longer allowed to provide legal advice on the soul trade. Or contract negotiation.
80. No longer allowed to acquire exotic pets via "Animal Friendship."
81. Mysterious waifs that display an unusual affinity for eldritch whipsers will have their creature type reassessed.
82. Not allowed to assist the local serial killers in their game of "Spy versus Spy."
83. When it comes to Bloodspace, the addage is not "leave only footprints, take only memories... and shining coins, two eldritch skulls, 4k gold in loot, several hunter's sets, a trick weapon, the bishie NPC's token (*squee*), and one mysterious waif."

2019-11-11, 01:48 AM
And our heroes are off, yet again venturing into the dangers of Wildspace in search of treasure, glory and a little bit of peace and quiet.
84. Not allowed to blender the plot of the entire Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy and call it a campaign.
85. It's co-captain, but the co- is silent.
86. Not allowed to trust random psychics, especially if they claim to read bird palms through the feathers.
87. Not allowed to assume groups of street urchins won't shank us for a pair of shoes.
88. Not allowed to take the ship's medic shopping for "proper" pirate clothes.
89. Not allowed to hire random strangers who crash-land in front of us.
90. Not allowed to walk out of the fortune-teller's shop without paying.
91. Not allowed to start a sovereign nation and commission ourselves as naval operatives.
92. Not allowed to appoint a sentient dagger as a Duke under said sovereign nation.
93. Not allowed to trust the ship's medic to successfully navigate a romantic relationship.
94. Not allowed to assume that the foggy coastal town isn't full of eldritch bullsh*t.
95. "Sense Eldritch Bullsh*t" isn't a spell.
96. Not allowed to move into a "vacant old farmhouse" in this eldritch bullsh*t town.
97. A proper antebellum dress is not missing the midriff.
98. "Sith" is copyrighted. He's a Galactic Blackguard.
99. Sometimes a town… is just a town. Probably not this time, though.
100. Not allowed to pitch the idea of flying to Deadspace immediately after a narrow escape from Bloodspace.

2019-11-19, 04:05 PM
Well... looks like our heroes(?) may have to find that last one somewhere else.

101. Not allowed to wear fullplate, a red and black cloak, and two polearms to an antebellum ball, even if "the space knights could attack at any time."
102. Not allowed to steal booze in front of the butler, regardless of whether he is or is not a ninja.
103. The phrase "it's so overt it's covert" no longer applies to the crew of the Knight Errant.
104. Black-market networking should not be conducted while one or more parties is wearing a whalebone corset.
105. If one is dragging an unconscious party member off to the "powder room" to revive them, offers to provide the first individual with a dagger should be made exclusively via the Message spell.
106. No longer allowed to have the cantrip equivalent of a rap battle in the middle of the magic-fearing governor's party.
107. The fact that the governor was murdered in the study does not immediately implicate the butler and the candlestick.
108. A monocle and glued-on mustache does not qualify one as a federal agent.
109. Not allowed to impersonate federal agents to justify bumming it on the local priest's porch.
110. The governor's mere academic interest in a violent ancient ghoul cult does not confirm the existence of eldritch bullsh*t in this town... conclusively.
111. Not allowed to kidnap the governor's daughter and her maid. Even if it is for their own good.
112. Crew members commissioned to disarm Disintegration traps will now be granted a one day mental health leave, effectivley immediately.
113. Same goes for traps of Flame Strike and Power Word Kill.
114. Especially if all three are on the same lock.

2019-11-19, 09:21 PM
Most of this week's shenanigans have already been covered, but here's a few more lessons for the list.
115. Not allowed to let the co-captain get her hands on large, dense, heat-resistant metal rods. See #35.
116. Not allowed to announce ourselves as smugglers or pirates as soon as we meet someone.
117. Not allowed to forget to cast Gentle Repose.
118. Not allowed to play Clue™: Eldritch Bullsh*t Edition in real life.
119. Not allowed to trust the butler.
120. It's not illegal to impersonate a detective if you never claim to be an official.
121. Not allowed to let the probably already unstable co-captain read the manual of eldritch bullsh*t.
122. Not allowed to let the squeamish medic look at the pretty pictures in the manual of eldritch bullsh*t.
123. Also not allowed to let the squeamish medic look at the body whose head has become a pancake.
124. No longer allowed to hire medics who can't revivify people because they pass out from the sight of blood.
125. Not allowed to offer the crew 300% raises when they're currently being paid 0 gold per day.
126. Not allowed to assume that just because you found the first trap, there isn't another one. See #114.
127. Not allowed to casually walk away with an immensely powerful relic of St. Cuthbert.
128. Skeletons are a privilege, not a right, and one must always be aware that that privilege could be taken away at any moment.
129. Revision to #99: A town is never just a town.

2019-11-28, 03:41 AM
Shorter list this week, as many of our shenanigans are able to be summed up by the same items on the list.
130. "Wants a sh*t ton of money" is not a viable character motivation.
131. Not allowed to take a hit out on a co-captain.
132. Taking a hit out on the other co-captain is a political job.
133. Not allowed to use Augury to hedge one's bets of large sums of money.
134. "The Force" is copyrighted. It's the Space Weave.
135. Not allowed to read the diary after telling oneself that reading the diary is a bad thing to do.
136. Bodice of Holding is not a real item. Yet.
137. Not allowed to sneak up on the police chief who we're trying to investigate alongside.
138. Not allowed to take out a hit on a human trafficker and generally horrible person when reporting him to the police is a perfectly viable option.
139. Not allowed to report the hitman the party hired to take out the human trafficker, who also perpetrated the murder the party is currently trying to solve, to the police and expect him not to be arrested immediately.
140. Not allowed to flirt with a suspected hitman.
141. Not allowed to refer to oneself as a pirate to the police chief who is under the impression that we are federal agents.
142. Working for the government on a different planet does not grant one the title of "federal investigator."
143. Not allowed to accidentally threaten the hotel clerk while trying to reassure him.
144. Attempts to make a body un-rezzable should be conducted before the police arrive on scene.

2019-12-05, 03:32 PM
New planet, new category :smallwink:

145. Not allowed to rescue the suspected hitman from jail when "three hots and a cot" is his idea of vacation time.
146. May not attempt to bribe the gunslinging paladin bounty hunter after murdering a barkeep right in front of him.
147. If a character has cannonically stolen a galatic cruiser, crash-landed said galactic cruiser in a populated area, hacked a barkeep to death with a polearm, and raided a till while armed, then that character has in fact committed theft, destruction of public property, murder, and robbery.
148. Not allowed to wander off alone with the mysterious lady of the night.
149. Especially if her gaze constantly remains fixed on your purse.
150. All crewmembers of the Knight Errant are now required to attend a yearly 15 minute "Stranger Danger" seminar.
151. Not allowed to spend in excess of 3 hours shopping for a cowboy hat to "blend in" if then end result is a ten gallon hat in hunter orange.
152. Not allowed to blow off the GM's carefully planned side quest of joining the Empire's smuggling ring because "we're bloody space pirates, we have principles!"
153. The co-captains are no longer allowed to hustle pool against grizzled Confederate bushwackers.
154. Even if it really is their first time playing.
155. Not allowed to convert the engine room into a pool hall.
156. If it looks like a giant mosquito, talks like a giant mosquito, and acts like a giant mosquito, then it's probably not the human's long-lost brother. Probably.
157. The ship's medic is no longer allowed to sit out of nearl-lethal encounters to play Uno(TM) with cute alien chicks.
158. Texas is not a planet, and we are not to tell its citizens otherwise.
159. Must remember to calculate the conversion rate between gold coins and USD before compensating the ranch hand three times what his pistol was actually worth.

2019-12-10, 03:01 AM
Lesson overall from this week: Always expect eldritch bullsh*t around the next corner.
160. "Yes" is not a valid answer to the question of how many guns one would like to buy.
161. Neither is it a valid answer when asked how many boxes of ammo one is buying.
162. Starting an armed uprising on Faerun does not fall under the category of "recreational activity," no matter how evil the Harpers truly are.
163. Not allowed to drop a high-velocity pyre iron rod on Elminster, especially not if it's just to see if he's got a Contingency for that.
164. Not allowed to bet roughly $12,700 in 2019 USD on a game of billiards, even if it is best two of three.
165. A horse should not cost more than a small house, no matter what the campaign setting notes say.
166. Not allowed to forget to check for tracking devices on the ship.
167. Not allowed to attempt to reverse engineer the tracking device instead of just turning the thing off.
168. Economic inflation does not apply to hitpoints.
169. Not allowed to scream "F*ck me!" in front of an eldritch horror, as it will take it as consent and proceed to give one an internal hickey.
170. If one must cast Shield at second level, something has already gone terribly wrong.
171. Cannot cast Suggestion on the DM.
172. Ship's medic is no longer allowed to not prepare Mass Healing Word.
173. Trapping someone in Texas forever is in violation of the "cruel and unusual punishment" section of the Eighth Amendment and probably also violates the Geneva Conventions.

2019-12-10, 11:23 AM
158. Texas is not a planet, and we are not to tell its citizens otherwise.

173. Trapping someone in Texas forever is in violation of the "cruel and unusual punishment" section of the Eighth Amendment and probably also violates the Geneva Conventions.

What do you have against Texas? It's the best country-planet! Look at this scientific study I found about how many people incorrectly estimate the size of Texas. (https://twitter.com/texashumor/status/768600279285633024)

2019-12-17, 06:05 PM
What do you have against Texas? It's the best country-planet! Look at this scientific study I found about how many people incorrectly estimate the size of Texas. (https://twitter.com/texashumor/status/768600279285633024)

We may have to amend our list in light of this highly scientific evidence :smallbiggrin:

2020-01-01, 02:19 PM
170. If one must cast Shield at second level, something has already gone terribly wrong.

Why is this? Wouldn't that just mean you were out of first level slots for some reason?

172. Ship's medic is no longer allowed to not prepare Mass Healing Word.

Why and how did this one come up?

2020-01-06, 10:45 AM
Just wanted to say I am thoroughly enjoying Jenna's list. Keep it up please!

2020-01-06, 01:00 PM
What do you have against Texas? It's the best country-planet! Look at this scientific study I found about how many people incorrectly estimate the size of Texas. (https://twitter.com/texashumor/status/768600279285633024)

Does anyone else think that Country Planet would be a good name for a satellite radio station?

2020-01-07, 01:18 AM
No entries on the list yet, but wanted to update those of you who have been following the list on what's happening and reply to a couple of you.

Update: The list is out! Here y'all go:

174. Not allowed to refuse food, especially frybread, from the old Shifter grandmother.
175. Not allowed to assume that just because the paladin is human, her father must necessarily be.
176. Not allowed to divert plot from "touching character development and fulfilment" directly to "hey guys, let's steal a large amount of weird rock that probably attracts ghosts and other weird stuff."
177. Not allowed to invade native land just to get spooky eldritch rocks.
178. Dropping tungsten rods on General Custer Floyd's renegade military base is not a suitable way to appease the natives, regardless whether he was planning to attack them or not.
179. Not allowed to skip the hard part and just steal the spooky rocks from Floyd's own cargo trains.
180. 2018's Solo is not part of the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy and therefore not allowed to be blendered into the plot.
181. Not allowed to expect the Confederate soldier to get through a heist without being recognized by the Union guards.
182. Kicking the guards off of the back of the train while yelling does not constitute a stealth mission.
183. Not allowed to drop train cars full of spooky rocks on top of random old boats sitting on top of mountains.
184. Not allowed to impulse-buy 50-ton Spelljammers.
185. Not allowed to ignore the DM's carefully planned adventure hook again just because some pirate guy is a creep.
186. Not allowed to give the heathen god with amnesia 19 thousand gold pieces, as she barely understands the concept of ownership.
187. Not allowed to challenge Asmodeus to a game of dragonchess, regardless how even of a match it would be or what sort of bragging rights one would get should they win.
188. The same applies for Zariel.
189. The unstable hypergenius artificer/wizard is no longer allowed to take ranks of Profession: Barrister in hopes of getting Asmodeus to accidentally sign away his own soul.
190. She is also not allowed to take ranks in Profession: Actuary, as the crew doesn't need to know their exact life expectancy and is probably better off not knowing it.
191. She is, however, encouraged to take ranks in Profession: Actuary in order to make better decisions, such as not trying to challenge Asmodeus to dragonchess games.
192. Not allowed to assume that space Skro are predictable in their tactics.
193. Not allowed to assume that anything is predictable around Skro.
194. Not allowed to attempt to steal Skro technology, as there is absolutely no way it will work.
195. Not allowed to appoint said hypergenius to Commander-in-Chief of the army of a planet under martial law.
196. Not allowed to assume she is in any way a bad tactician. Just because she makes bad life decisions doesn't mean she can't outmaneuver the enemy at every turn.
197. Not allowed to trust the amnesiac goddess with your money, even if she promised to wait for you for a month before donating it to a "charitable orphanage."
198. Not allowed to call your mother after 20 years, inform her that you might die today, apologize, and immediately hang up.
199. Crit range 19-20 on a railgun does not justify a string of 13 crits over the course of 19 shots in a battle.
200. Not allowed to hand out promotions like Oprah handing out free cars, regardless how many crits a gunner gets.

First, the holidays happened and we missed a week, some of us more. Moreover, we list-writers haven't been as motivated to work on the list as there has been no education to distract ourselves from. Thus, we've fallen behind in our duties. However, expect either an edit to this post with an addition to the list, a post from the other writer, or, if you're lucky, both. We've had a lot of shenanigans go down.

Why is this? Wouldn't that just mean you were out of first level slots for some reason?

Why and how did this one come up?

Yes. If the artificer/wizard who doesn't spend spell slots in combat in favor of casting Gun repeatedly is out of 1st level spell slots, there is a problem.

Our resident cleric thought that Aid provides sufficient ranged, multi-target healing.

Just wanted to say I am thoroughly enjoying Jenna's list. Keep it up please!

Thank you! We've had a lot of fun, and it's good to know y'all are enjoying it too. Side note: We've renamed it to Gerald's List, as he's one of the characters who bridged the gap between campaigns and also because he's totally the kind of person who would keep a list like this for actual reference. Side side note, Gerald is our squeamish, romantically oblivious federal agent ship's medic (see #s 24, 31, 34, 88, 93, 108, 122-124, 157, and 172.)

Does anyone else think that Country Planet would be a good name for a satellite radio station?

There's no way there isn't at least one local radio station called that.

Thanks for your kind words everyone! We didn't expect this to be nearly as popular as it is now. Expect additions to the list soon!

2020-01-09, 06:21 PM
201. Not allowed to sandbag the actual pirate's blackmail scheme via the power of friendship.
202. Crossing one's fingers behind one's back does not negate a formal military contract.
203. No longer allowed to meet one's untimely demise by heroically backstepping off a cliff. Especially when fighting crows.
204. Just because the stormtrooper captain is willing to disobey direct orders one time to defend a helpless planet from a skro invasion does not automatically mean she is prepared to take up the calling of space pirate.
205. "That's not nearly enough money" is not the preferred reason for declining a bribe to betray the crew.
206. Not allowed to use debuff or control magic when fighting skro unless one wishes to be labled a "cheeter" and subsequently "waaaahged!"
207. May not accidently filibuster an entire session by begging the DM to "read us more skro lore," no matter how genuinly entertaining it is.
208. If a Darth Vader clone has canonically totaled at least three fighter ships, he may need to consider a new career.
209. No longer allowed to smite with a ranged weapon... particularily if said weapon just happens to be a heavy accelerator.
210. May not forget to train the amnesiac heathen god in combat.
211. No longer allowed to ignore the fact that the amnesiac waif can subtle cast Levitate at will... Oh look, a shiny!
212. If the telenovela-obsessed pact weapon isn't into the romance, it is doomed to fail.

2020-01-09, 06:23 PM
Thanks for your kind words everyone! We didn't expect this to be nearly as popular as it is now. Expect additions to the list soon!

Ditto. We really appreciate the suppport!

2020-01-11, 02:33 AM
180. 2018's Solo is not part of the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy and therefore not allowed to be blendered into the plot.

Point of order! There were five Pirates of the Caribbean movies.


Or are you deliberately leaving out Dead Man's Chest and World's End because they were terribad?

2020-01-12, 04:44 AM
Point of order! There were five Pirates of the Caribbean movies.


Or are you deliberately leaving out Dead Man's Chest and World's End because they were terribad?

Let's just put it this way: There are three canonical Pirates movies.

2020-01-13, 03:30 PM
No update this week as we had to cancel due to weather. Stay tuned next week for further skro invasions, romance, and philosophical debates about the true nature of piracy.

2020-01-16, 04:07 AM
As our Spelljammer group was unable to meet this week, we weren't able to add to the list, But, we still wanted to keep all of y'all entertained, so we're taking some time to introduce the cast members of your favorite sitcom/romcom, also known as "Hey, what would happen if we threw Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars, Warhammer 40k, and some H. P. Lovecraft into a blender?"

(Vedalken Battlesmith 5/Theurgist 2) The brains of the party and an amazing hand at piloting. After a semi-planned trip to Bloodspace went sour, involving Lucienne getting bored and deciding the church needed to burn, she came away with two Madmens' Knowledge - skulls that whisper quietly, filling your brain with unnatural knowledge and bringing you closer and closer to insanity. Mechanically, these each increase Int by 1 while decreasing Wis by 1. So of course she did the logical thing to do in this situation - waited till we had escaped Bloodspace with our spoils (including the mortal incarnation of a heathen god, don't ask questions), then ground them up and inhaled them. Since, she's become a bit less stable and more reckless, directly causing many of the items on the list to be added. Her Intelligence has already gone far beyond what any normal human would be able to achieve, and she hopes to eventually be smart enough to challenge Asmodeus to a game of chess. She's the Jack Sparrow of the group - solidly CN, but a good person at the core. She's romantically confused, like much of the crew, and horribly inept at dealing with people at all. Holds quite a few titles, some self-appointed - Admiral of the Starcourser Fleet, Commander of the Damaris Armed Forces, Captain of the Silver Eagle...
"Lucienne, since when did we promote you to Admiral?"

"I promoted myself, Thea. Besides, we needed an admiral - what are we going to be, co-commodores? What kind of fleet doesn't have an admiral?"

"Well, can't we just each be captain of one ship? Two ships doesn't exactly constitute a fleet, you know."

"No, that's stupid. It's close enough to a fleet. Now go away, I'm busy trying to fix this stupid robot bird. We can talk about it again sometime, maybe Sunday at 10:51 AM?"

(Human Badge Paladin 4/Pyromancer 2) The closest thing to a moral compass we've got. Originally joining our crew at the Rock of Bral, leaving her band of orphans behind, Amie flew under the radar (no pun intended) for the first few months aboard the ship, refusing to talk much to either co-captain. Recently, especially since the Bloodspace debacle and a furious tirade toward Lucienne which seemed to get out what she'd been waiting to say, she's come out of her shell and the crew has been the better for it. She is renowned among the crew for her prowess with rapiers and firearms, and proved valuable in the battle against the Scro, smiting their ships from afar with divine power and laser guns. Amie is only 12 years old, but is one of the most, if not the most, mature members of the crew. Despite being offered the position of First Mate (alongside the rest of the crew), Amie is dedicated to her self-assigned role of cabin boy. Recently, on the same mission to Deadspace which increased the fleet's assets by at least a thousandfold, she got a bit of closure on her tumultuous past - her mother, stepfather and brother were discovered long-dead and replaced by insectile mockeries, while her father was found having moved on and taken up a new identity in a Shifter camp nearby, as angels are wont to do (Immortality is a b*tch).

(Kenku Scout 7) The "old man" of the group, but surprisingly good with children. Also joining our crew at Bral, Patou suffered from being forgotten and ignored by the other crewmates most of the time. However, after a late-night character customization session in Soulcalibur VI, it became apparent why that was the case. Patou was purposefully ignored by the other crewmates because they couldn't bear to look at his clothes - a hideous amalgam of colors and patterns that probably look quite good to a colorblind birdman, but cause temporary blindness in anyone else around, and that's not even accounting for the rainbow-patterned boots. Patou has become the victim of many unfortunate events, from being killed by myconids and brought back as a plant zombie, to having an iron spike driven through his head in order to fix his zombie state and allow his body to be revived, to getting internal hickeys from balls of tentacles with mouths. Add to this the fact that in kenku years, he's pushing his 50s, and it's a wonder he still puts up with us. However, he seems to get along well with the various orphans we rescue from time to time, and has made it his personal mission to teach our amnesiac goddess the basics of economics, how to read, and other essential skills.
"Good luck buying Patou's loyalty. We know exactly how much it cost, and you don't have that much cash."

(Human Rune Knight 6) Discount Anakin Skywalker, with Finn's backstory. That's... pretty much all there is to it. Adun also joined us at the Rock of Bral, though the second time we visited it (to check up on Amie's orphan gang). He pulled the whole dramatic entrance of falling from the sky in a small spelljammer, on the run from the Imperial Elven Navy. While we were wary of him, we'd just lost a crewmate and could always sympathize with an Empire dissident. Somehow surviving our Deadspace adventures, despite a gunslinger bounty hunter with a strong moral compass who didn't believe that Adun's wanted poster was just Empire lies (I mean, Adun had just killed the bartender in front of him, albeit with help from Lucienne and the justification that the bartender and the resident lady of the night had conspired to rob him), Adun refused the Empire's commands to "disable the rigging of the Knight-Errant and escape with the artifact of Corellian," and only partly because he actually cared about the crew. While he's so far in his career managed to crash 3 spelljammers and is not to be trusted with command of the Knight-Errant or Silver Eagle, he's quite good at piloting smaller ships in dogfights and has gotten a reputation from the Skro for bein' a zoggin cheata!

(Half-Ragesian Wilder 7) Gerald's girlfriend, whether he knows it or not. Shenika is an NPC from the original spy campaign, one of the three characters who crossed over to Spelljammer. She has grown quite attached to Gerald (our medic), and is beginning to be fed up with his apparent inability to take hints. With Gerald's player's frequent non-presence, Shenika and Gerald spend quite a bit of time belowdecks in their shared room playing Uno. No, we know what you're thinking, they're actually just playing Uno, and that's the problem. She's accomplished in psionics, able to blast enemies with devastating power, but she always seems to accidentally stun herself at the worst times. Also, never try to fit her into a dress, and if you do don't turn your back or she will have already cut out the midriff. She's a beach girl at heart.

Hope y'all enjoy! Next week, back to your regularly scheduled... whatever it is we're doing. Also, expect another post with the other half of the crew relatively soon.

Edit to add: We also genuinely enjoy reading y'all's comments here, so if you have something to say, don't be afraid to say it! We're thrilled that you guys seem to like this so much.

2020-01-17, 06:59 PM
As promised, here's the second half of the crew. I've also received some interest from our GM in adding blurbs on some of the other NPCs as they contribute to the list.

(Valsian Dark Elf Bladesinger 7) Lucienne’s slightly more stable co-captain and the crew’s heart. At the beginning of the campaign, Thea’s estranged mother dropped her off at the Rock of Bral with the task of picking up a crew and proving herself as a dread space pirate. Unfortunately, Thea was mostly raised by her adventurer father in a highly romanticized setting, and thus has difficulty distinguishing “pirate” from “Robin Hood,” much to Lucienne, Ydrin, and Patou’s chagrin (think Elizabeth Swann in The Black Pearl.) Since then, the feisty drow has become a big sister figure to most of the other crewmembers, whether they want it or not. She even managing to convince Amie to return home and confront her past after the latter started developing nightmares. Thea is also particularly close to Lucienne, despite their frequent bickering and bids for control of the ship(s). Currently in a long-distance relationship with Diogenes, a Knight of Cainhurst and (unbeknownst to her) the new Good Hunter.

“There’s no way in hell we’re going to sell out our friends to you grey elf bastards. We’re bloody space pirates—we have principles! Hoist the colors!”

(Human Protection Cleric 6) The ship’s medic and comic relief. Before striking out on his own, Gerald played sidekick to a teenaged super-spy cheerleader in his home country of Costa Luna. After preventing a pair of guards from harassing Shenika, he agreed to travel with her, first to the headquarters of a secret organization, and then into space. Gerald hopes one day to become a great detective. While the crew often teases Gerald for his naivete, squeamishness, crippling fear of penguins, and general buffoonery, he is quite adept at protecting his teammates and always comes through when things get dicey. So much so, in fact, that when Gerald went on a one-month Uno bender in his cabin during a defensive mission against the skro, the crew felt in necessary to hire four clerics to cover his position. Likes Shenika but is unsure how to express his affection. Will likely be receiving "the talk" soon.

(Half-Elf Hexblade 7, Pact Weapon) Cheerful and levelheaded, Ydrin is quickly shaping up to be the party face. Ydrin started off as a professional jeweler who picked up pact magic as a hobby after purchasing a talking dagger, Enrique, at a yard sale. She learned a few tricks while working for Delta Green, and now uses her knowledge of tradecraft to negotiate with the authorities and come up with plausible cover stories for the crew’s activities (that is, if she can convince Thea to shut up about the pirate thing.) Her “keep calm and carry on” attitude allows her to tolerate, and even get along with, her telenovela-obsessed pact weapon, Enrique, despite his constant running commentary (his Antonio Banderas voice probably helps.) Together, they make a surprisingly formidable team in combat, and have started providing back-up healing since Enrique gained Insight (in the form of a literal eye) in Bloodspace.


“What’s the zoggin’ matter?”

Looks disappointedly at large-sized skro war boss wielding a great axe. “I just thought you’d be more intimidating. That’s all.”

Yes, that one. Apparently after being defeated by the last Good Hunter, the hapless Daughter of the Cosmos was reincarnated as a mute, amnesiac teenager—which is how the crew of the Knight Errant found her. Amie restored her ability to speak, and the others quickly decided that Bloodspace was no place for such a sweet, naďve puff. Their absconding with “Ebri” has earned the crew the undying enmity of the Choir, who custom-built a spelljammer for the purpose of air-dropping abberations onto the crew at inopportune moments, all while chanting boss themes. Despite all this, Ebri seems to be settling in well. Patou dedicates his downtime to giving her an education, and if anyone has noticed anything odd about her (such as her preference for levitation over walking), well, no one’s said anything yet. Or taken her into combat, for that matter...

I also wanted to add a brief note on Patou. In a crew where almost everyone has some sort of tragic backstory, Patou has the distinction of being the only character who is someone's tragic backstory. See http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?559674-Campaign-Journal-Ragesian-Incursion&p=23098462#post23098462 (Team Evil sections) for more.

2020-01-28, 01:02 AM
Apologies for the wait again, the forums have been a bit funky recently, especially when I've been motivated to actually work on the list.

Anyway, here's two weeks' worth of life lessons, learned and unlearned.

213. Not allowed to compromise the space defense of a planet just to make sure our ship doesn't get destroyed, even if it's the cute Drow girl's "baby."
214. Not allowed to forget that Repair Light Damage is a spell that the artificer/wizard is perfectly capable of casting.
215. Not allowed to question why Repair Light Damage isn't an artificer spell. (Turns out it's because in 3.5 artificers don't technically have spells, but they have infusions which allow them to cast that spell.)
216. Not allowed to let the medic's girlfriend asphyxiate him, no matter how long the two have been playing Uno in their cabin without taking their actual relationship anywhere.
217. Not even if the medic is expendable because we hired 4 to replace him.
218. Not allowed to create a character that's CR 12 at level 7.
219. Not allowed to persuade the Imperial ship, which is here to bring one's renegade Imperial ally home, that in order to best carry out orders they must remain and assist in the planetary defense.
220. Not allowed to carry out one's orders of "disable the ship's rigging and escape" by hitting the rigging once with a halberd, getting picked up by a shuttle, and immediately getting dropped off back on the same ship by the same shuttle.
221. Not allowed to congratulate one's crewmember on successfully following his orders while repairing the damage he did to the rigging.
222. Not allowed to leave a crewmember behind in an exploding ship, even if he's been begging out of character for cybernetic enhancements/prosthetics.
223. Not allowed to switch one's character portrait out for Darth Vader just because one got a bunch of cool cybernetics.
224. Not allowed to fail 5 of the 7 Wisdom saves against permanent madness due to having cybernetics installed.
225. Not allowed to wave off the 18,000 gold hospital fee as "pocket change," no matter how much ghostrock we stole from General Custer Floyd.
226. [Delete Skro, Mass] isn't a psionic power, but Energy Burst works just fine as a replacement.
227. Not allowed to refuse to sleep for 4 days, even if "the Skro might attack at any time!"
228. Eating coffee grounds with a spoon doesn't save a worthwhile amount of time, and is probably terrible for one's health as well.
229. Not allowed to cast Silence outside of the door that half of the crew is trying to eavesdrop through, even if it's a private conversation.
230. Not allowed to cut the Commodore's commlink off, diplomatic conversation ongoing or no.
231. Not allowed to cast Silence on the Commodore, diplomatic conversation ongoing or no.
232. Not allowed to let the warlock of the group take on the role of Governor, no matter how much the people like her.
233. Not allowed to dip out of a coup that one agreed to take part in, even if the current Governor has proven to actually be a decent person.
234. Not allowed to pact-bond with a heavy accelerator, especially if there is already discord between one's hexblade weapon and oneself.
235. Not allowed to neglect to inform the Admiral and Commodore of one's past war crimes.
236. Not allowed to play the telephone game with stories of a crewmember's war crimes, especially if the Admiral and Commodore are on the other end of the telephone.
237. Birthdays are a happy time, and are to be celebrated as such.
238. Dead crewmates and tales of war crimes are not appropriate birthday presents for the 13-year-old paladin.
239. It's impossible to take the fight to the Skro and cut the head off the snake when we can't find the snake's head.
240. Not allowed to trust Eladrin. Ever.

Also, for those of you that didn't pick up the full story from the list, Adun went from "discount Anakin Skywalker" to kleptomaniac Darth Vader with a compulsive laughing problem.

2020-03-01, 06:46 PM
It sure has been an interesting few weeks. It's gone from "wacky woo-hoo space pirate adventures" to "oh f*ck everything is on fire and it's all our fault" real fast. Guess that's just what happens when you decide to ignore the plot.

241. Not allowed to ignore the psionic characters' "bad feelings about this."
242. Not allowed to prank-call archmages with god complexes.
243. Not allowed to drop multiple WMDs on a moon, even if it's a Skro warbase.
244. Not allowed to keep the random goblin we find in the Skro warboss's ship.
245. Not allowed to ditch the pirate crew to become the governor of a small planet, regardless how loved one is by the people.
246. Not allowed to cast Lesser Restoration on the party girl who's just trying to have a good time.
247. Not allowed to turn a victory party into an impromptu therapy session.
248. Not allowed to non-canonically montage too far, decide one doesn't like that particular future, and decide to take a different path.
249. Not allowed to forget to check the ship for tracking devices after returning to the place where a tracking device had been placed on the ship earlier.
250. Not allowed to attempt to paint beautiful pictures if colorblind.
251. Not allowed to take Ebrietas, Daughter of the Cosmos out for a seafood dinner.
252. Not allowed to teach the Space Marine to play pool.
253. Not allowed to teach Ebrietas, Daughter of the Cosmos to play pool.
254. Not allowed to, after finally finding the tracking device, teleport it across the planet to a nation full of low-level psykers.
255. Not allowed to go out to dinner before starting a time-sensitive rescue mission.
256. Not allowed to brutally murder biker gangs, even if they started the fight.
257. Not allowed to find the crimelord's errand boy, incapacitate his mooks, and cast Cause Fear on him when a much simpler solution could be reached.
258. Not allowed to pretend to be slavers to integrate into a Hutt mafia.
259. Not allowed to take the recently liberated slave to infiltrate the slave trader mafia.
260. Not allowed to hesitate before refusing to take part in gladiatorial combat.
261. Liberating slaves should be a more subtle process than brutally murdering a small faction of slave traders and claiming their property as yours.
262. Not allowed to *record scratch, freeze frame* while the hypergenius suddenly puts all the puzzle pieces together in her mind.
263. Not allowed to supply the Empire, which has been consuming "biological resources" at an extreme rate while not expanding their fleet, with even higher amounts of laser cannon fuel.
264. Not allowed to not realize that they're building a Death Star.
265. Death Star is copyrighted. It's a sphere cracker.
266. Not allowed to use grenades while sneaking aboard the Empire ship to place a tracking device.
267. Not allowed to split the party.
268. Not allowed to investigate the prison of the Hutt crimelord (who actually liked us) without telling him.
269. "If this doesn't work, I'll just betray the party" is not an acceptable backup plan.
270. Not allowed to use 9th level spells as an 8th level character, 3.5 economy be damned.
271. Not allowed to claim credit for acts of terrorism while dressed in full regalia of another enemy group.
272. Not allowed to misread the helm console and think that a battle is winnable.
273. Not allowed to ignore the NPC who is obviously distressed about a decision one is making.
274. Not allowed to sink the discount Titanic on her maiden voyage.
275. Especially with crewmembers aboard.
276. Not allowed to attempt to undo poor decisions of another crewmate via time travel and f*cking with the spacetime continuum.
277. 8th level characters are still not allowed to cast 9th level spells.
278. Create Alternate Universe isn't a spell that exists, but Wish is a perfectly fine alternative - with the drawback of ceasing to exist in this universe.
279. The existence of an alternate universe where the crew wins doesn't count as a victory.

Moral of the story: Sometimes things are just going a little too well and the heroes need to be reminded that death is permanent and defeat is an ever-present possibility.

2020-04-27, 02:34 AM
Unfortunately, due to a number of reasons, we've decided to wrap this campaign up. We may return to it at some point in the future, though it's unlikely.

If you're looking for more of this group's hijinks, we've started a new, Norse-themed campaign (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?611130-Vikings-Vandals-amp-Vagrants-A-Campaign-Journal), so be sure to check that out if you like.

2020-05-08, 06:40 PM
I'm just replying to this thread because I want to be able to come back to it...it's giving me ideas!!:biggrin: