So my table shipped my character. Need advice.

[Avista]

For a bit of context, my original group shrank and our DM was running two separate games (A and B), so we all agreed to combine our adventures into one medium-sized group. I was from group A and we have another player from group B. Over the course of many sessions, our table has been 'shipping' our two PCs and I was on board with it since it was just silly banter. But after our last session his PC left a love note to my PC, and now I don't know how to respond to that.

I left my first D&D group because of a bad experience with another player who was overbearing and horny, and I've never engaged in a romantic driven subplot partly because of it. But this group is nothing like my first, and I've had a lot of fun with them.

Character-wise, my PC would go with the plot. Personally, I just don't want this to spill over and cause drama, and I'm not interested in an actual relationship. I don't want to lose this group of friends or put someone on the spot, but I also want to draw a clear boundary and not have a repeat of my first group.

This is a first, so I want to ask for another perspective. Should I bring this up with the DM, the player, or the whole table?



Thank you everyone for being both matured and understanding. This forum is a great place and I hope that doesn't change. :smallbiggrin:

An update: We had a discussion and we both understand that this was only between the characters, and has noting pertaining to our real world lives. We also agreed to keep it to silly banter and not extend further to where either of us would be uncomfortable.

Again, I'm very lucky to have found this group!

[Demidos]

I think the main person to talk to would be the other player, assuming you trust him. Just let them know that you don't want to make a big deal about it, but you had a really bad experience the first time around, and describe it how you did it here.

Be clear that this isn't about him making you feel uncomfortable, but that you had bad experiences previously and you're feeling pretty soured on a relationship out of game or in game at the moment. I don't think you have to go as far as "I'm not interested in you" but you want to be clear that you're not looking for a relationship with anyone. If you feel comfortable with it, you can say "I'm fine with the casual banter till now, but I just want to make sure that we're on the same page that this is only silly banter and nothing else". Or something similar.

Also, I think it adds a lot of weight if he says "I wasn't feeling the more serious and I wanted to keep it fun" and you agree, showing you worked things through when you talk to the table as a whole. If you don't trust the player, then i'd escalate to the DM. If that doesn't work, you can try to put it to the group, but I feel like putting it to the group without talking first to the involved player might come off a bit as forcing people to choose sides, which you should be careful of.
---------------------------

In other words, you sound like you've got a great handle on the situation! Be clear on your boundaries and the issues that caused them before, talk with the relevant player, and then you can maybe bring it up jointly to the table if you'd like.

Good luck!

[Pauly]

I’s talk to the player. Let them know that you’re good with the flirting and, to use a TV trope, the UST. However, for the reasons put forward you’re uncomfortable with it moving into actual a relationship situation.

Maybe you can retcon your character to be betrothed to another, or be in a situation like Bianca in ‘The Taming of the Shrew’”. That way your character is prevented from moving into a relationship with any other character. If and when you are happy to roleplay a relationship in this group then the DM can set up a sidequest to make it happen.

[Sir_Chivalry]

Lay out your boundaries with anyone involved. If they don't respect that give them 0-2 warnings and then solve the problem by either retiring the character or leaving the group.

A lot of digital ink has been spilled over players ruining fun by refusing to engage with certain things in a game. This is silly, you clearly are bothered enough by it to canvas strangers so just tell the player you're not interested and if that doesn't stick make sure the DM is aware of what the follow up will be

[Anonymouswizard]

I left my first D&D group because of a bad experience with another player who was overbearing and horny, and I've never engaged in a romantic driven subplot partly because of it.

You should definitely talk to the other player about it, and you should say exactly this. Whether you talk to the other players and the GM is your call, but you should definitely talk to the other player, explain this, and make sure you're all on the same page.

If for whatever reason you're uncomfortable with talking to them about it alone feel free to bring the GM or another player in as a neutral party. But they key thing is to make sure everybody understands your position, and get a solution everybody is okay with.

If you're worried that for the other player that they might have OoC motivations for engaging in it you can ask, but be open minded if they say it's entirely IC. As somebody who has o deal with the RL consequences of having the personality of a horny teenager in their mid twenties being clear on your position is probably best thing you can do.

[MoiMagnus]

Yes, you need to talk about it with the Player (and then the whole table, if needed). That's totally normal.
Everybody has their boundary. Some can't stand bloody descriptions, some are not comfortable with flirting, some can't support some kind of humor, some become anxious when you ask them to take important decisions, ... And that's always better to warn the remaining of the table of your boundaries before it gets too far beyond them.

But you also need to be clear with yourself on the boundaries.

In our campaign, two of the character ended up married, even though we never had a single "romantic / love letter" moment or RP. Though the character probably did love each other, the main reason for the marriage was for question of inheritance of the kingdom (the one interested by ruling was not the heir). There was of courses some frequent jokes around the table about it and between them, and in-universe they were together, but we never explored more than that their personal life, nor they did RP the fact of loving each others. And to be fair, it would have been pretty awkward if they did, so I prefer that they didn't.

So, a question you need to ask yourself is "Would you be FULLY comfortable with a 'in-universe but no-RP' relationship?" You have the right to say no, and while you have previous negative experience to "back up" your decision, you would have the right to say no even if you didn't. If you say yes, then knowing where is the point of 'RPing this relationship' where you start becoming uncomfortable would be very practical when you explain your situation to the others.

[False God]

I think you should say basically what you've said here to the other player, with the DM present. If you want the other players in the room during the discussion that's up to you, but I kinda see this like talking to another employee and having the manager present. You get that extra party there just to make sure things are on the level (incase for some reason Player B decides to lie and tell some horrible story to the DM privately) and also in case Player B turns out to be a secret psycho.

[JNAProductions]

Talk to the other players and GM. As a group might be best.

Explain what you did here. Let them know you've had bad prior experiences, and you'd prefer your character to be purely about the action and adventure and intrigue, and NOT the romance. Be polite and firm about it.

I've had a less major experience recently myself, actually-superhero game where the other players just would NOT stop making jokes about my PC being a villain. I ended up retiring that character, and when they started cracking jokes of a different variety about a new PC, I asked them to please stop. Admittedly, the jokes were funny, but at the same time, a laugh now is not worth losing a character that'd be fun. Same thing here-as fun as a romance subplot would be for the other player involved, that is absolutely NOT worth making you upset or feel bad.

[Quertus]

All right, look, I'm a ****, so I really shouldn't give you advice. But I will. And the only reason I'm giving you advice is for other people to point out particular parts of my advice and scream "Don't do that!".

We clear?

So, to start, I would talk to the other player. I would give them the context "y'all's characters' relationship". Then I'd explain your history, how you've had really bad experiences in the past. Say how (to your surprise) you'd actually been enjoying the banter up until this point, but that last bit (the love note) brought back bad memories.

Now, your next couple of lines depends on how you actually feel, which I'm uncertain about. Guessing… I'd shut… him(?)… down hard, saying in no uncertain terms that you aren't interested in a relationship with him. But that you really enjoyed your characters flirting. That, if it was a purely in-character thing, you'd enjoy going back to that. And that, objectively, you feel like your characters ought to end up together… but you aren't comfortable role-playing that.

If he's actually onboard with all this, then tell him that you'd like to tell the group this, too. That way, they understand what's going on… and don't push for things to go further than you're comfortable with, either.

When it comes to relationships, I'm brutal. Were I in this situation, I would be equally brutal, leaving no room for misunderstanding, and accepting absolutely nothing more than I was comfortable with.

That said, unlike you, I'm fine with pretty much anything (even one particularly disturbing Slanesh player(he was amazing)), so long as it stays strictly in game. So my perspective may be less useful to you.

[FilthyLucre]

For a bit of context, my original group shrank and our DM was running two separate games (A and B), so we all agreed to combine our adventures into one medium-sized group. I was from group A and we have another player from group B. Over the course of many sessions, our table has been 'shipping' our two PCs and I was on board with it since it was just silly banter. But after our last session his PC left a love note to my PC, and now I don't know how to respond to that.

I left my first D&D group because of a bad experience with another player who was overbearing and horny, and I've never engaged in a romantic driven subplot partly because of it. But this group is nothing like my first, and I've had a lot of fun with them.

Character-wise, my PC would go with the plot. Personally, I just don't want this to spill over and cause drama, and I'm not interested in an actual relationship. I don't want to lose this group of friends or put someone on the spot, but I also want to draw a clear boundary and not have a repeat of my first group.

This is a first, so I want to ask for another perspective. Should I bring this up with the DM, the player, or the whole table?
I have never, ever, seen this work outside of professionally produced/podcast D&D games. YMMV.

[Anonymouswizard]

I have never, ever, seen this work outside of professionally produced/podcast D&D games. YMMV.

Yeah, a big assumption of most of this advice is that the group is composed of mature adults. If this isn't true, then good luck but you might just make things worse.

[Spore]

Yeah, 9/10 times an intergroup relationship is BOUND to fail. I strongly advise against it.

[Max_Killjoy]

I suggest sinking that ship.

The best way to sink any ship is either canon, or cannon.

[Avista]

The group is composed of mature, professional adults and I'm very lucky to have found this group. So things should go well. I do appreciate all the feedback received here, and I'm happy to have second perspectives.

Thank you.

[huttj509]

The group is composed of mature, professional adults and I'm very lucky to have found this group. So things should go well. I do appreciate all the feedback received here, and I'm happy to have second perspectives.

Thank you.

Yeah, I've been in groups where that sort of thing is fine (which included "ok, I'm new to the group and introductions are not matching who's casually calling who 'wife' and OHHHHH, now I'm less confused"), and I've also been in groups where "holy cow, NO!" And if any of the involved players is in that latter camp, regardless of reason, don't feel bad about nixing it quickly.

[Jay R]

I have never, ever, seen this work outside of professionally produced/podcast D&D games. YMMV.

Oh, I have. In fact, we used a PC/PC romance to prevent unwanted romantic roleplay. This solution worked, But I doubt it would help the OP; the romance that we used to do so was between my wife's character and mine.

Several years ago, in a 2E game, my character was Ornrandir, a male elven mage/thief, given the title of the Earl of Devon by the king. He was an outcast orphan who had only recently formed any attachments to anybody. I had played him as emotionally undeveloped but brilliant. My wife was playing Rowena, a female human wizard, a lady-in-waiting to the queen. She had been in an ivory tower (literally) studying magic since she was a child. She played her as an extreme nerd. The royalty had started leaning on us to make political marriages, which is to say that the DM wanted to do some political intrigue. We decided to trump the whole romantic process and sent the following email to the entire gaming group.

A situation has occurred. It will affect the party to some extent, so I guess you should all hear about it. The two of us decided to explain it to you in character, so here it is.

(You may ignore which account this email came from; it was written by the two of us together.)
-----------------------

Rowena has been traveling to Devon Manor regularly to do magical research stuff and help set up the schools there, make scrolls, etc. The next time she visits after a Certain Conversation with the Queen, once she and Ornrandir are alone in the study where they work together on magic, she initiates the following conversation:

Rowena: The Queen tells me I really ought to give some thought to perpetuating magical bloodlines and recommends I consider marrying. Maybe I should consider you.

Ornrandir: I’ve heard similar rumblings. Countess Elanor told me I have to find someone to marry, too. Something about an heir for the county.

Rowena: It is a rational idea. It is just that I have never really considered it before. I have been rather busy learning magic; all that physical stuff seemed so…worldly.

Ornrandir: I certainly know little about it. I’ve never had any family, and I've been an outcast all my life, except for those occasions when the only female I’ve traveled with was Lorelei, the paladin.

Rowena: The gaggle of giggling girls I must spend time with these days seems so focused on the idea.

Ornrandir: I know. Everyone but you is so stupid.

Rowena: I am already spending a lot of time here anyway.

Ornrandir: My servants wouldn’t have to prepare separate rooms for you each time. That would be convenient. And we seem able to get along.

Rowena: After all, we worked well together blasting hundreds of goblins with lightning bolts.

Ornrandir: I enjoyed casting coordinated lightning bolts with you. I’ve never felt so connected to another person before.

Rowena: After that, how difficult could this marriage thing be?

Ornrandir: Love is one of the strongest and most mysterious forces of the universe. Of course, controlling arcane cosmic forces is what wizards do. Maybe we should research a spell for it?

Rowena: As a mage, I will not age as quickly as normals; being elven, you of course will not age at all, so I really do not see why we need to be in a big hurry. And why should I care about being considered – how did she put it? Oh, yes – an "old maid".

Ornrandir: That seems like a meaningless phrase. Everybody becomes old, and an unmarried woman is of course a maid.

Rowena: On the other hand, your life expectancy, given your penchant for getting into trouble, isn’t exactly eternal. [looks him up and down appraisingly] At least if I marry you, you won’t keep getting ripped off by the tailors. You paid far too much for that rag you’re wearing.

Ornrandir: Fine by me. I’d be happy not to have to think about clothes any more.

Rowena: You thought about … that?

Ornrandir: Of course. It has a fleece collar, so I always have the material component for Phantasmal Force, feathers as decorations so I can fly, and several pockets worked into it here for other components. It has two internal pockets for scrolls, this hidden pocket for a dagger, and Lorelei will never figure out where the thieves’ tools are. It's green, for easy concealment in the trees. See? I carefully considered every relevant sartorial issue.

Rowena: I see. Yes, I believe I should take over those decisions. [Pause.] I would prefer to avoid that spectacle that Aduphus went through to marry Lady Stanley. The collective intelligence of her Majesty’s ladies dropped like a stone the instant someone said, “wedding”, and all they could talk about for weeks was fripperies and lace. Why do you think I spent so much time here writing out scrolls?

Ornrandir: Believe me, I understand. Since I developed the gold and mithril mines, all the nobles have been throwing their daughters at me. A year earlier they were offended that I was allowed to carry a weapon, and now they want me to sheathe one in their daughters.

Rowena: So how quickly can we get this over with?

Ornrandir: Well, when they assigned us to go fetch the Prince, we started out on the task immediately. Is the priest available today?

Rowena: I suppose we need to tell the Queen first. She might have an opinion about how it is done. So we are fully agreed about the marriage?

Ornrandir: It does seem like the logical thing to do [says the pointy-eared member of the couple].

Rowena: I’m glad we were able to work this out rationally, without the usual tawdry, emotional mess.

Ornrandir: Of course. We may be the two most intelligent people on the planet. We won’t let maudlin sentimentality distract us from rational analysis.

Rowena: Well, I am glad that that is settled. Now back to important matters - about that scroll we were discussing…

For the record, since a couple of people in the gaming group asked, she and I had never seen The Big Bang Theory when we wrote this.

[Coventry]

For your consideration ... but only if you are comfortable with the outcome if it works:


Character-wise, my PC would go with the plot.

Followed by, "but personally, I had a very bad experience with this; one that I do not
want to repeat. Let's have that all happen off stage. But none of it happens in the
game sessions, themselves."

[martixy]

Ever since I started playing this game I am continually amazed at how many people can't tell fiction from reality. I'm starting to understand why the idea that video games cause violence is so hard to get rid of.

I'll put it simply:
1. If this makes you uncomfortable, say so to the group. Reject the love letter. Do not be a slave to your character.
2. If they are having trouble telling fantasy from reality, explain the difference to them. Then reject the love letter.
3. If all of you can actually handle your fantasy, do whatever your character would want to, and take the story however far it goes, with the explicit understanding that their story has no bearing on reality. You indicated your character might go for it and a strong bond like this does have a lot of narrative potential.

[Kesnit]

Over the course of many sessions, our table has been 'shipping' our two PCs and I was on board with it since it was just silly banter. But after our last session his PC left a love note to my PC, and now I don't know how to respond to that.

I left my first D&D group because of a bad experience with another player who was overbearing and horny, and I've never engaged in a romantic driven subplot partly because of it. But this group is nothing like my first, and I've had a lot of fun with them.


but be open minded if they say it's entirely IC.

My wife and I have been in a LARP for several years. At one point, some players (not me or my wife) came up with the idea of shipping my PC with the PC of another player. My wife and I were cool with the idea, but I was not sure the other player was, so I intentionally never pursued that line of RP. About a year later, I found out the other player was OK with it, so I moved forward with the RP. It has led to some amusing RP which stays completely IC. (And an amusing comment at last game, where my wife told me "you should be sitting over there with your girlfriend, not here with your wife!")

Obviously, all of this requires all players to be onboard with the fact that the RP stays purely IC. (It helps that I am completely dedicated to my wife AND the player of my IC-girlfriend is ace.) If there is any risk of it flowing over into OOC, of course you would stop it. But you said all the players are adults, so give it a chance unless and until something happens to give you a creep vibe.

[Avista]

Thank you everyone for being both matured and understanding. This forum is a great place and I hope that doesn't change. :smallbiggrin:

An update: We had a discussion and we both understand that this was only between the characters, and has noting pertaining to our real world lives. We also agreed to keep it to silly banter and not extend further to where either of us would be uncomfortable.

Again, I'm very lucky to have found this group!

[JNAProductions]

Yay! Good luck in your gaming endeavors, and enjoy!

[martixy]

Thank you everyone for being both matured and understanding. This forum is a great place and I hope that doesn't change. :smallbiggrin:

An update: We had a discussion and we both understand that this was only between the characters, and has noting pertaining to our real world lives. We also agreed to keep it to silly banter and not extend further to where either of us would be uncomfortable.

Again, I'm very lucky to have found this group!

YAY!

Maturity prevails!