So roleplaying suddenly makes me incredibly uncomfortable

[Spore]

So, short story about my old group.

We roleplayed almost all throughout from 2012 to 2017. Started of with Pathfinder, moved on to Vampire and Degenesis, with a side of D&D 5e. It was a fun time, and I socialized a bit (I was a bit of a shut-in and now I am again). Then they moved to Switzerland, me being based in Germany. Not just one, but DM and wife, and oddly enough one of the players too (a reasonable choice as the player had a house there and tried to start studying again, and the DM found a job that pays quadruple what he got before).

I visited them for New Years Eve. Where we did a Vampire oneshot. The game was basically a Prison break during the Second Inquisition. We were captive vampires being freed by a Gangrel Antidiluvian. With the group consisting of a Gangrel cult leader with a faible for muddying her clothes with blood and a LaSombra being pulled directly from his bed chambers and my Tremere also being kidnapped with just a bit of sleep-wear (she was a very decent gal, basically a tumblr user turned vampire wizard) we had to get to a NY island and free vampires.

Point 1: Our characters were nude. The apparent self-portrayal of supersexy completely nude characters (and my slightly pudgy female character because I play a role, not an improved version of myself) made me uncomfortable. One character was the result of her RPing her physical attributes, but I know the other basically just uses RP to portray characters that he would want as his girlfriends or wants to be himself. While I had a mental character, and I had a character in mind who did not get much excercise.

This made me deeply uncomfortable.

Point 2: The LaSombra was leaning heavily into sexual subcultures. No problem, right? It is an adult game for adults, right? Yeah, well I wouldn't want to miss this for the world, and it is just a one-shot but I am unsure if RPing is not for me, or if this just tested my boundaries.

Point 3: I would have much rather played something less involving with more time to chat with old friends I haven't seen for a year now. Every time the slow narrative drudged on, every time someone who made a dice roll (which was basically us succeeding all the time which is incredibly boring to me), every time the DM catered to us, my mind wandered. It mostly wandered as I had worked a double shift with 4h of sleep, then drove 5h via train, and I tried not to nod off, but it wandered. To their dog who I would much rather play with. To the silent, nightly forest where I would much rather enjoy a stroll in. And to my last point.

Point 4: Every time I visit my friends now, it becomes obvious that their tenacity improved their real lives, while I am just a mere visitor. Their life doesn't seem like a bare minimum like mine, and I am incredibly envious about their path. But I lack courage. Don't get me wrong, I am not jealous of their belongings, they have earned with with their intelligence, tenacity and endurance while I took the easiest solution short-term. They're not living in a fancy mansion or even have unreasonable hobbies like gilding vases, but it hurts I am not really involved anymore. I am quite slow to make contacts, and they're my only real friends. My coworkers invited me a few times, but they are mostly interested in topics I am not interested in. They're not nerds. They know the newest rappers, they visit the most interesting bars, and they have so much damn drama.

I am so damn conflicted. I haven't had the heart to find another RP group because finding a schedule is already a struggle with my shifts. But I am not so sure I want another. PbP is doing fine but I want to RP, but am really unsure if this is the best for me.

On another thing I feel I am good enough in Pathfinder and 5e to DM myself but that is pressure on me. I tried to DM a few years back, but that felt like a 3-4 hour presentation more than anything. I get stressed out being put up like that, but oddly enough I LOOK confident enough so it can't be that bad, right. Plus I like the agency I have as DM forming the world to my liking. I always liked telling stories in RP more than actually succeeding at rolls.

So...what do?

[Altair_the_Vexed]

I don't think you're describing being uncomfortable with roleplaying, but being uncomfortable with a certain style of game content.

It's ok to feel that a certain style of RPing is not what you want. And it's ok for what you want to change over time.

When I regularly RPed with one crowd, it was normal for characters to take drugs, have casual sex, and indulge in other overtly adult themes (in our World of Darkness games, but also in Cyberpunk and other "grown up" games).
But since those days, I have settled down, married, moved away, and I spent a few years mostly RPing at a public games club, where such topics were off limits. And as a result, it's quite uncomfortable to me now for that sort of thing to be prominent in a game. Especially as some of the club members are kids, and in our regular game at home, one of our players is the 15-year-old daughter of one of the GMs.

Recently, I returned to play a game with some of my old group recently, and found one of the situations in the game REALLY unpleasant and uncomfortable - we were playing cops in a Cyberpunk setting, responding to a call out about a disturbance at an underwear boutique. It turned out a bioform andoid underwear model had injured a customer during a sexual assault on the andoird by that customer - an unpleasant situation, involving concepts of slavery and personhood, heightened by the sexualised nature of the offense, and made worse by the fact that in law inthis game, the android just counted as property, and would be destroyed.
It was very well RPed by the players and GM, but all in all, it made me very unhappy.

I talked about it with the GM afterwards. They were a little surprised, as it was exactly the sort of thing we'd routinely have dealt with, and enjoyed the challenge of, when I played with that group before - but without having a conversation like that, there's no way the group can steer away from things that upset you, because they don't know they're upsetting you.

Lastly - I hope I'm not overstepping any boundaries, but it seems from your post that you have some confidence issues around your current life situation, especially when you compare your life with the lives of your friends in Switzerland.
I'm very sorry to read that. All I can suggest to help with your confidence is that you try to avoid comparing your friends' apparent success with what you see in yourself as a lack of success - comparisons like that will draw you away from thinking about your own successes, which may be in totally different areas than your friends' successes.

[chainer1216]

Well that was a sharp turn from "im uncomfortable roleplaying sexual situations" which is fine and common, gaming styles differ, to "im suffering from depression and dont know how to deal with it."

[Milo v3]

RPing does not mean having to deal with topics you find comfortable or are being presented in a way you find uncomfortable.

[JellyPooga]

Ok, so I have a few comments;

1) Vampire, moreso than perhaps most RPG's (including other WoD games), often involves darker themes, edge cases and content that is frankly just a little bit too close to the line. I'm sure you're aware of this, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. You are not obliged to play the game the GM is running just because they're the GM, whether you're playing Vampire or not. Talk to them, let them know that it's making you uncomfortable. If they're your friend or in any way a good GM, they should be accommodating rather than exclusive. In some of my groups in the past, we've stopped games mid-flow because one or more players were uncomfortable with the content and it's never been a problem.

If the content or style of the game is a problem, then I suggest playing something a little lighter; maybe something more beer&pretzels. A nice little dungeon bash in D&D or a light-hearted, two-fisted, pulp action romp in FATE, or something similar. Heavy or seriously themed games are great when you're up for something in-depth, but lighter games are better when you're feeling that RP-Fatigue. Mix it up a little; a change is as good as a rest, so they say.

2) With the former advice in mind; I'm going to suggest looking out your Friendly Local Gaming Store and seeing if they have regular games; Adventure League is great for pick-up-and-play but plenty of clubs and stores also run regular one-offs and drop-in games. Many of which tend towards being lighter themes, dungeon hacks or other games that don't require so much personal investment. Even if that in-depth play is normally your style, it definitely pays to take a break from it every now and then; to go back to when you first started playing RPGs and just roll some dice and role some play.

I've found this can be easier with strangers than it is with friends sometimes; you can be whoever you want with strangers without the expectations your friends have of you, your characters or your playstyle. For example, if you're normally quiet at the table, then it can be hard to make yourself heard when everyone expects you to be quiet. If that expectation isn't there because no-one else really knows you that well, then you have free reign and equal opportunity to make yourself heard.

The more you involve yourself at a club or store, the more you'll find to interest you there, both socially and games. Maybe you'll get into skirmish wargaming or become intrigued by The One Ring or some other RPG after watching some other guys play. Which is another thing; you don't have to play if you're not sure. I don't think I've ever encountered gamers that minded spectators when they're playing at a club. I've even had a "sit in" roleplaying session where I just watched a game being played. It was fun! I learned the rules, laughed along with the players and enjoyed the story and the tension...I just didn't play that night.

3) Never be afraid to sit in that GM chair. What you think of your performance as a GM is irrelevant compared to what your Players think. I've been GM for many games and every time I leave the table criticizing myself for mistakes or decisions I made during that session. Every time, my players leave the table enthusing about the events I'm agonising over and excited about the next session. It's like anything else; the more you do it, the better you'll get. You'll make mistakes, for sure. You always will. The trick is not to dwell on them and instead focus on making the game fun. For everyone. Use the rules of the game, but don't be a slave to them. If a player asks if they can do something, your go-to answer should be "Yes" (even if it has a caveat or condition). GMing is so rewarding; yes, the agency of being everyone else in the world bar the PCs is fun, but it's the world-building, the story-telling and the hammy acting. It's pulling those surprises and being there with your players, feeling their elation, their satisfaction when they defeat the BBEG (after all...you might be playing the Bad Guy, but you want the Players to win at the end of the day) but also adding on to it your own, for giving them the opportunity to perform their heroic deeds and feats of derring-do!

It's not for everyone, granted, but I think you might be surprised how good a GM you might turn out to be and the only judge of that is those golden words your players can say..."Same time next week?"

[Themrys]

Point 1: Our characters were nude. The apparent self-portrayal of supersexy completely nude characters (and my slightly pudgy female character because I play a role, not an improved version of myself) made me uncomfortable. One character was the result of her RPing her physical attributes, but I know the other basically just uses RP to portray characters that he would want as his girlfriends or wants to be himself. While I had a mental character, and I had a character in mind who did not get much excercise.

This made me deeply uncomfortable.

Point 2: The LaSombra was leaning heavily into sexual subcultures. No problem, right? It is an adult game for adults, right? Yeah, well I wouldn't want to miss this for the world, and it is just a one-shot but I am unsure if RPing is not for me, or if this just tested my boundaries.



You ARE aware that roleplaying does not HAVE to involve sexual situations, right?

You have a right to have boundaries. If those people are your friends, surely you can just tell them they make you uncomfortable? Not wanting details about how supersexy the characters are is a pretty common boundary to have, too.

[Psyren]

As others have said, your problem seems to be with the specific content/themes of your game than with roleplaying in general. So with that thread-headline issue out of the way, your best solution is to talk to your group and let them know that you'd rather not engage with that kind of content.

[Jay R]

Don't play a role-playing game unless it sings to you. Don't play a role unless playing that role is better than not playing it.

This is why I have no desire to ever play an evil character again. Or a coward. Or somebody who will betray the party. Or whoi is no good in a fight. or who is stupid.

Do not play a role you don't want to pretend to be for awhile.

[Kami2awa]

Firstly, its completely normal to be uncomfortable with these kinds of themes in roleplaying. You should bring up that you are not comfortable with it and the other players need to respect that and adjust.

Secondly, I dont wish to worry you but loss of pleasure in things that you used to enjoy can be a symptom of depression sometimes called anhedonia. Since you also mentioned being sleep deprived and not happy about some aspects of your life, you might want to look into possible help for depression. This might also help with your enjoyment of rpgs.

[Anonymouswizard]

Point 1: Our characters were nude. The apparent self-portrayal of supersexy completely nude characters (and my slightly pudgy female character because I play a role, not an improved version of myself) made me uncomfortable. One character was the result of her RPing her physical attributes, but I know the other basically just uses RP to portray characters that he would want as his girlfriends or wants to be himself. While I had a mental character, and I had a character in mind who did not get much excercise.

This made me deeply uncomfortable.

Point 2: The LaSombra was leaning heavily into sexual subcultures. No problem, right? It is an adult game for adults, right? Yeah, well I wouldn't want to miss this for the world, and it is just a one-shot but I am unsure if RPing is not for me, or if this just tested my boundaries.

Yeah, two things. First will done on playing the character you want to play. Secondly that's not a mature game for adults, a mature game for adults is one where everybody respects each others boundaries, and if you brought up an issue with the character and were overruled then you honestly weren't treated like an adult.

Now Vampire is a game where heavy securely theming is natural. Many vampires use the appearance of dating and promiscuity in order or violate others, and feeding is rather explicitly a sexual act (as well as a key step in reproduction). This is by design, and it means that explicit sexual theming is somewhat redundant.

That being said, it is completely possible to play Vampire without any sexual theming atty all. Just like you can play D&D without racism. So yeah, if you brought this up with the others then it's a line they shouldn't have been crossed


Point 3: I would have much rather played something less involving with more time to chat with old friends I haven't seen for a year now. Every time the slow narrative drudged on, every time someone who made a dice roll (which was basically us succeeding all the time which is incredibly boring to me), every time the DM catered to us, my mind wandered. It mostly wandered as I had worked a double shift with 4h of sleep, then drove 5h via train, and I tried not to nod off, but it wandered. To their dog who I would much rather play with. To the silent, nightly forest where I would much rather enjoy a stroll in. And to my last point.

Yeah, maybe you should have just asked if you could play a board game instead, or something lighter to allow the story to go faster. There are some situations where it's better to play Diplomacy and some where it's better to play Everyone is John. There's nothing wrong with not being in the mood for a complex game.

[QUOTE]Point 4: Every time I visit my friends now, it becomes obvious that their tenacity improved their real lives, while I am just a mere visitor. Their life doesn't seem like a bare minimum like mine, and I am incredibly envious about their path. But I lack courage. Don't get me wrong, I am not jealous of their belongings, they have earned with with their intelligence, tenacity and endurance while I took the easiest solution short-term. They're not living in a fancy mansion or even have unreasonable hobbies like gilding vases, but it hurts I am not really involved anymore. I am quite slow to make contacts, and they're my only real friends. My coworkers invited me a few times, but they are mostly interested in topics I am not interested in. They're not nerds. They know the newest rappers, they visit the most interesting bars, and they have so much damn drama. /QUOTE]

Here I want to say something: I've had somebody at least once express jealousy over me having a boring life. Yes I don't have a partner (in fact I don't have one quite loudly) and don't meet many new people, but most of them just want the utter lack of drama.

The trick with a stunningly boring life is that it's never too late to make something of it, talk to your GP about potential mental health problems if you want to, but find a new hobby, get on dating sites, or spend your free afternoons writing a novel or drawing a comic in your local coffee shop. Don't worry about knowing the newest rappers or visiting the most interesting bars, but do become the person at the book club who can analyse any novel (or you know, whoever you want to be).

[Spore]

Thank you guys for your kind words. It makes me consider planning my vacations with them a bit better with more time to spare. It was basically the worst kneejerk thing to actually drive for 10 hours just to visit old friends for a bit of emotional damage. I've arranged myself with my situation now but maybe I've just hidden away from my problems. Regardless, I will be more inquisitive and demanding about the things we'll do in future meetings.

And if people still insert their favorite adult things into RP, I won't hold back, too. If they want adult theming, I'm gonna scar them for life using rule 34.