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magwaaf
2020-01-14, 10:23 PM
my group's Forgotten Realms is different than normal faerun. we follow the base timeline but any past Faerun game we have played effects future games. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask. im a terrible writer so feel free to criticize lol



William Axton grew up in Triboar to Seth and Claudia Axton and right in to the family business… and that was about as good as he ever got at literally any part of it… ended up getting bored all the time and never being able to focus on the work as it never held his interest so he spent his time hanging around in the city, talking to everyone about anything while learning to control his abilities and figure out what to do with himself.

Claudia Axton is a retired adventurer turned craftswoman/merchant from Silverymoon who grew up to be an accomplished magus, she joined up at 18 and served with the Knights in Silver until she was 24 years old and then decided it was time to try something else and started taking small solo jobs and eventually she had made her way to hawk’s nest and she met up with a group of adventurer’s The Northern Hammer of Light (I apologize, it was the best name out of like 10 minutes of randomizing) and they told her they were heading to Dead Orc Pass to help with the goblinoids that are coming out of Chalarstaukh, Vaerluth, and Malauth attacking traders and even raiding as far as the town of Newport which is what got Sundabar’s attention and while they sent out patrols to deal with the it had just been way too much and the city started hiring adventurers to help out. While out there the party ranger brought us to stop at Mooshie’s Grove and told the rest of the party who lived here and what that man had done for the region, After they went back to Sundabar and took a short rest, repair, and regear they then took it easy and caravaned down the trade road into the empire. The trip had been fairly peaceful with no real incidents ever happening and they made their way down into Triboar and while there they had heard of problems with a dangerous group of bandits working with bugbears and goblins harassing caravans coming from Kryptgarden Forest so they took the job and went off to deal with the problem and tracked them to a cave they slowly made theirway down and as they fought their way through a pair of black puddings dropped down from the ceiling in the middle of the fight and one landed directly on Claudia and she went down and fell into the black pudding that attacked her but the cleric of Uthgar pushed through and yanked her out and cast a Breath of life spell on her and carried her out of the fight. The Northern Hammer of Light (lol) finished the fight and they carried out Claudia who was still unconscious for some time and they brought her back to Triboar make sure she heals up. It was there that the group was introduced to Samuel Axton who thanked them and wanted to throw them a small feast for helping rid them of the bandit problem and it was during that feast that Claudia had met Seth and there was definitely something between them and she apologized and informed her party that she would be staying in Triboar with Seth and they all said their good byes as they headed south along the trade road, just under a year later the two would be married. Claudia quickly picked up the business and easily integrated into it. Three years later
they had William and the couple couldn’t have been happier. They gave him a great childhood and he grew up with more than most but he was still taught to respect people regardless of standing. Then one day when he was 8 years old when he was out with his dad amongst the caravans and he was introduced to Tassadar Amarth and his company. He was swayed like any young boy easily with meeting one of the actual Nasher’s Highwaymen that he had been hearing the story of his entire life and he made sure to see him everytime his caravans came back through the city.

Seth and Claudia Axton are in charge of the Axton family business The Twelve Hands Coaster. The Twelve Hands Coaster was started by Samuel Axton, a caravan merchant from Neverwinter that settled in Triboar as the city was expanding and he opened up some warehouses and offered to help with The Twelve’s maintenance, overtime the business changed forms and now helps the city organize and coordinate the caravans going in and out of the city as helps keep The Twelve armed, armored, provisioned, and mounted. Sam no longer runs the day to day but is still in the city and he still helps out , over the years of running the coaster house he made friends with higher up officials and nobles within the city. He taught his son everything he knew about the business, the city, it’s people. There is just something about Triboar that made him settle there and he is proud of how his city has turned out. Seth used everything he had learned and maintained the company’s stature up at the heights his father had so he dove right in and started going directly to talk to the bigger caravan owners and he met and made some deals with many and then one day he met the caravan Harmonui trí bang- an it’s Master Tassadar Amarth, the Frayed Wand of Nasher’s Highwaymen. Seth and Tassadar worked out a deal for the Coaster House to organize his caravans and help with finding specific trade goods within the city; it was a very lucrative deal for both sides especially with Tassadar’s standing within the empire bringing a bit more clout to the Axton family name. A year later he met Claudia Fletcher while at a feast for her adventuring party that had cleaned up the bandit problem. After healing up and recovering she decided to stay with Seth in Triboar and her and The Northern Hammer of Light said their goodbyes and parted ways. Later that year she was married to Seth and they lived a happy life running the Coaster house and three years later William was born.

On his 11th birthday while fooling around running around the house William tripped down the stairs and by shear accident when he hit the floor let out a small force blast but something was even stranger when he got up he noticed this goopy sticky slime in the spot wher he landed, he had seen magic before but this was different than any magic he had seen or heard of and his mother who used to be an adventurer got worried and took him to Irsir’s Academy but they could not identify the issue easily so they asked if he could stay there so they could see what was going on and to help teach him to control his magic while there. He stayed at the Academy for six months learning from an elven wizard Lady Fhastina Glimmersoul until he could keep his concentration on his spells and they had figured out what was going on. They told her that they had discovered that a part of him was now ectoplasmic and augmented him in ways we won’t know until he is older but they do not think it will harm him. His mother remembered the moment she almost died and told Fhastina about her experience with the oozes and they figured out that somehow it must have somehow infused itself with him while she was pregnant with him and that is what has caused the oddities in his magic but that he should be ok and to keep in touch in case there are any changes. After that day he spent time with his parents working with his abilities, being tutored, and trying (and failing) to learn the business. A few more years went by and his casting improved but he still just couldn’t grasp the basics and started slacking a bit and wandered Triboar going to inns and taverns and just mingling around with the townsfolk and trying to get by. He tried to keep his magic to himself and not flaunt anything just to fit in until one night when he was on his way home from The Triboar Arms and two guys popped out of the darkness to rob him, by instinct he just drew on his abilities and threw what looked like tanglefoot bags at them and was able to get away, when he got home he told his parents and his dad was annoyed and gave him a masterwork shortsword to wear at least look armed and his mother had him start practicing learning to use his newfound ability. So a few years went by and William kept up practicing with Faustina and one time he got home and his father told him that Tassadar was in town and he figured I would want to see him before he left so Will hurried off to meet him and he hung out with him and his men all night and after a few drinks Tassadar asked him what he was gonna do for the immediate future and Will had no real response other than he is just trying to keep practicing his magic and not so much else as he just doesn’t seem to be any good at anything else. Tassadar went to Claudia and asked her if he could take Will with him with the caravan and gonna make an adventure out of him because it’s no good to just have him hanging out doing nothing, Seth had his reservations but Will was anxious, Claudia thought it’d be a good idea so she gave him a couple of things from his adventurer days, and Tassadar was waiting so Will gathered his belongings and set out with Harmonui trí bang- the next morning…

magwaaf
2020-01-14, 10:26 PM
also if possible one thing i'd like a little help with is coming up with like 4 characters to make up the mom's old adventuring buddies. no psions (house rules) and nothing op just characters that last she saw them were like level 8 or 9.

thanks

Palanan
2020-01-15, 09:57 AM
Just glancing at this, it’s a little confusing who the protagonist is, and it seems to repeat itself in several places.

To make this more readable, and thus invite more comments, I would suggest editing for two issues in particular. First, get a handle on your meandering run-on sentences; trim those down and separate into sentences of more reasonable length.

Second, separate your mighty cliffs of text into smaller paragraphs for ease of reading. Editing for paragraph breaks will also help you spot and remove repetitions and areas of overlap. Also, consider organizing small sets of paragraphs into sections with bolded subheads, again for ease of reading and to clarify who the focus is in any given section.

As for your second post, you're mixing a request for background review with a request for build suggestions. I would suggest starting a separate thread for the build suggestions, and reserving this thread for comments on your backstory--after you've edited and reorganized it.

.

magwaaf
2020-01-15, 03:19 PM
Just glancing at this, it’s a little confusing who the protagonist is, and it seems to repeat itself in several places.

To make this more readable, and thus invite more comments, I would suggest editing for two issues in particular. First, get a handle on your meandering run-on sentences; trim those down and separate into sentences of more reasonable length.

Second, separate your mighty cliffs of text into smaller paragraphs for ease of reading. Editing for paragraph breaks will also help you spot and remove repetitions and areas of overlap. Also, consider organizing small sets of paragraphs into sections with bolded subheads, again for ease of reading and to clarify who the focus is in any given section.

As for your second post, you're mixing a request for background review with a request for build suggestions. I would suggest starting a separate thread for the build suggestions, and reserving this thread for comments on your backstory--after you've edited and reorganized it.

.

yeah im terrible at everything involving writing... this may be one of the best things i have ever done... i have no idea how to separate what so it just ends up like that

exelsisxax
2020-01-15, 03:50 PM
This is about 5 times longer than could be acceptable. It is padded out with a huge amount of irrelevant junk that does not inform a prospective GM or help play the character. Every single sentence prior to the introduction of the PC should be summarily deleted and nothing will be lost. I can't find a good reason for the PC to be going off murderhoboing in any of this. The voice and proximity are all over the place and reveal your confusion about what may be important to the character.

You should start from scratch and write something FAR shorter to start with, with a specific perspective and tone. Like, 4 sentences that start with I [character name] want to leave my home to go on life-threatening adventure because X....

Palanan
2020-01-15, 05:48 PM
Originally Posted by magwaaf
yeah im terrible at everything involving writing... this may be one of the best things i have ever done... i have no idea how to separate what so it just ends up like that

Best thing to do is to print it out, get yourself a pen or pencil, and then read it out loud.

At its heart, writing imitates the spoken word. Punctuation helps the writer to emulate the natural patterns of speech. So, take a literal deep breath, and then begin reading this aloud.

You’ll quickly see where sentences go on much longer than would be natural for a spoken line. Find those places, and then physically rewrite each sentence the way it sounds best when spoken.

This will take some work, but no one got better at anything without putting in the effort. Don’t overthink it—just dive in and start working your way through. Stay focused, keep at it, and you’ll get there.

magwaaf
2020-01-16, 08:28 PM
i'll have to give it a shot when i get a chance. it sounds like a good idea. i type how i think tho so it ends up coming out very run on lol

thanks.


Best thing to do is to print it out, get yourself a pen or pencil, and then read it out loud.

At its heart, writing imitates the spoken word. Punctuation helps the writer to emulate the natural patterns of speech. So, take a literal deep breath, and then begin reading this aloud.

You’ll quickly see where sentences go on much longer than would be natural for a spoken line. Find those places, and then physically rewrite each sentence the way it sounds best when spoken.

This will take some work, but no one got better at anything without putting in the effort. Don’t overthink it—just dive in and start working your way through. Stay focused, keep at it, and you’ll get there.

magwaaf
2020-01-17, 09:06 PM
This is about 5 times longer than could be acceptable. It is padded out with a huge amount of irrelevant junk that does not inform a prospective GM or help play the character. Every single sentence prior to the introduction of the PC should be summarily deleted and nothing will be lost. I can't find a good reason for the PC to be going off murderhoboing in any of this. The voice and proximity are all over the place and reveal your confusion about what may be important to the character.

You should start from scratch and write something FAR shorter to start with, with a specific perspective and tone. Like, 4 sentences that start with I [character name] want to leave my home to go on life-threatening adventure because X....

trust me its not too long in my group. my dm likes the details because he uses them. my last game hadd 12 pc's and the game went 4 and a half years and i won hard... we don't do small.