Online Dating Venting (Somewhat Risque, Read At Your Own Peril)

[JNAProductions]

Here I am again, venting about online dating. Hopefully y'all are either not tired of this, or smart enough to not read it if you are. :P

The good news is I'm doing okay. Nothing too terrible, just a bit of frustration. See, yesterday, I added a few ladies from OK Cupid on SnapChat. And several of them... Well, they were there to sell nudes and more. Which, I get it-you want to make money, and you're attractive enough to sell, that's fine. I don't have any moral issues with doing that, but it's frustrating when I add people, hoping to make new friends or enjoy a date, and instead they're just there to sell.

I don't fully know why I'm posting this thread-I definitely want to vent, but if anyone does have advice (that I've probably gotten before and just been too much of a dunce to implement properly) I'd be happy to hear it.

Anyway, hope everyone reading this is having a great day. Thanks for your time.

[Tvtyrant]

I've not had quite the same experience, but I had def run across profiles selling things. Generally my rule is someone has to have at least three paragraphs and three pictures, less then that and it is too likely to be a bot.

The world would run a lot smoother if men weren't so thirsty.

[Anonymouswizard]

I've not had quite the same experience, but I had def run across profiles selling things. Generally my rule is someone has to have at least three paragraphs and three pictures, less then that and it is too likely to be a bot.

The world would run a lot smoother if men weren't so thirsty.

I'd say that's offensive against us unphotogenic introverted socially anxious geeks, but yeah that seems to be roughly how it works. Apparently one of my problems with online dating is not having enough pictures.

WRT profiles selling nudes/whatever, while I've never come across it myself (see: not enough pictures on my profile), the only problem I have is not being up front about such things. If you're only interested in selling stuff let people know so if they aren't interested they won't waste your time.

[Tvtyrant]

I don't see why being introverted or unphotogenic keeps you from posting a full dating profile. You actually have an advantage in having the time to think through how you want to present yourself, whereas in person foot in mouth disease becomes a problem (I talk too much when I am nervous for instance.)

I think of it like auto-sales. First you need an ad that makes people want to see it, but is truthful enough that they don't feel like they have been scammed when they come in. Then they see the car and test drive it (the date) and then they choose to buy or not. The more targeted your ad is the more likely a test driver is already going to want to buy.

The people selling lemons, IE the ones pretending to want a relationship but then in it for something else entirely are obnoxious because they poison the market for everyone else. The worst is sites making bots themselves because not enough people show up on their site.

[Anymage]

WRT profiles selling nudes/whatever, while I've never come across it myself (see: not enough pictures on my profile), the only problem I have is not being up front about such things. If you're only interested in selling stuff let people know so if they aren't interested they won't waste your time.

If they were upfront about it and weren't shut down in short order when found out, Tinder would quickly become unusable due to the sheer clog of camgirls.

You don't have to pussyfoot around the fact that they're doing something wrong, just because of the class of people they happen to fall into. If someone is trans and sends angry harassing messages to people they dislike, harassment is crappy and their trans status is entirely irrelevant. Similarly, if someone wants to do sex work and happens to be spamming an unrelated site, they're spamming. What sort of goods/services they're offering doesn't change that fact.

[Themrys]

If they were upfront about it and weren't shut down in short order when found out, Tinder would quickly become unusable due to the sheer clog of camgirls.


If I am not confusing it for some other site, Tinder has already become worse than unusable because of the sheer clog of male rapists. Several women reported bad experiences, ranging from man only interested in quick sex, selfish man with whom sex was bad, to man being a rapist. Seems not to be the ideal place for making a good catch, to say the least.

More like a muddy pond where you are guaranteed to pull out either an old shoe or the spawn of Cthulu.

Once a dating site has enough men interested in camgirls on it that advertising for camgirls on that site is profitable, all hope is lost already.

Most women who are looking for serious relationships have likely already left for better hunting grounds, the rest will give up after some bad experiences.

So yeah. Try and find a site that seems more trustworthy. You know, trustworthy enough that women would go there in the hopes of finding men interested in relationships.

Or just, you know, settle for women who don't wear make-up. If I had a photo up on a dating site there would be no way of mistaking me for someone who wants to sell photos.
No one who wants to sell photos would look like me, even if they were born with the same face.

[veti]

If you're looking for a relationship, as opposed to just sex, my suggestion for online dating is to stay away from dating sites.

Sounds counter-intuitive, I know. But what does a dating site give you? A carefully curated profile, in which the other party is trying to sell themselves. An equally curated set of pictures. I'm sure you've read advice on how to make your own profile look more attractive - well, so has everyone else. And you know what's missing?

Transparency. I almost said "honesty", but that's not true - plenty of people on those sites are as honest as they know how to be. But even with those people, the trouble is, they're talking about themselves. If there's one subject that you shouldn't take someone else's unsupported word on, it's themselves. Few people even have a very good impression of themselves as seen by other people, and even fewer know you well enough to convey that impression faithfully.

So basically you're looking at photos. If you want to look at photos of attractive people, there are zillions of sites for that exact purpose. But if you want to form a relationship, photos should be the last thing on your mind. Much more important to form a tolerably accurate impression of the other party's intelligence, interests, manners, sense of humour, level of education, ambition, family and general ethics. An inaccurate impression of these qualities is a cast-iron guarantee of disappointment. And when you're trying to gauge these things that actually matter in a relationship - photos are the biggest distraction imaginable. The moment you see a pretty face, your libido will mug your reasoning faculties and substitute your rational "assessment" of these qualities for its own, which will be strongly weighted to what you want to see.

But you are lucky. You live in the age of the Internet. That gives you a chance - unprecedented in history - to get to know, potentially, thousands of people without the distraction of appearances. There are tens of thousands of discussion forums, not unlike this one, where you can get to know people over the space of months, talking about neutral subjects. That gives you a chance to gauge those "important" qualities before you even attempt direct contact. (Having said that, I wouldn't suggest this forum. I'd look for one with fewer rules and less moderation. It shouldn't be a cesspool - unless that's what you want, of course - but I'd say it should be a bit more outspoken.)

When I first started corresponding with my spouse, I didn't know their gender, age, nationality or ethnicity. To get to our first date, I had to fly 12,000 miles, and at that stage I still hadn't seen a photo. Best decision I ever made.

[jdizzlean]

i've been married for quite awhile, but we met on a dating site. i had zero factual info on there beyond my age and gender. my whole intro was a parody and a joke, but it was me. you're going to have to slog through some bad apples before you find a good one. the same is true on any site, app, or bar if you were to go there. my advice is to simply state your intentions/expectations outright, and don't try to change peoples answers to fit your narrative if they are bad answers "just because X". don't be so quick to set up dates, get to know someone first and then determine if meeting and doing things is ok.


there's just as many thirsty women as there are men. this is the Tinder generation, where everyone is out for a hook up, and you have to fight against that mentality if you aren't. take it slow, be quick to ignore the idiots, do your time in the trenches, and the law of averages will make sure you have success in the end.

and if you need more photos? take some, they don't have to be awesome... selfies work just fine. if you're a nerd, pose in your nerd regalia, or playing d&d, whatever.


This above all to thine own self be true.

[Comrade]

if anyone does have advice (that I've probably gotten before and just been too much of a dunce to implement properly) I'd be happy to hear it.

My advice was, is, and will always be to stop adding people from dating sites on Snapchat. Snapchat ain't how you build a relationship with somebody. Start the conversation on OKCupid. If it's going well, ask them on a date. If they say yes, offer your phone number so you can plan the details. Call me old-fashioned but I don't think Snapchat's got any place whatsoever in that process, and your experience seems to attest to that.

[Scarlet Knight]

I miss the old days when all you needed were friends who knew people and a party.

[Anonymouswizard]

I don't see why being introverted or unphotogenic keeps you from posting a full dating profile. You actually have an advantage in having the time to think through how you want to present yourself, whereas in person foot in mouth disease becomes a problem (I talk too much when I am nervous for instance.)

This might sound weird, but the problem isn't the profile, that presents me exactly how I want to be presented and as such drives away a large portion of potential matches that I wasn't interested in anyway. The problem is the lack of pictures, I tend to appear in about one picture a year, and as such I generally only have one, very occasionally two, pictures that present me as I actually am and not who I am several years ago.


there's just as many thirsty women as there are men. this is the Tinder generation, where everyone is out for a hook up, and you have to fight against that mentality if you aren't. take it slow, be quick to ignore the idiots, do your time in the trenches, and the law of averages will make sure you have success in the end.

This. A friend pointed out to me that I have a major disadvantage (that she shares) in that I'm very much not looking for casual sex. Which means quite a few people will just stop talking to me when they find that out.

But there are other kinds of people on (some) dating sites! Just, y'know, not into me.

EDIT: as somebody who a) can't deal with parties and b) has friends who very loudly don't know anybody, these 'old days' sound far worse.

[veti]

EDIT: as somebody who a) can't deal with parties and b) has friends who very loudly don't know anybody, these 'old days' sound far worse.

We had to make the friends and learn to endure the parties. Yes, on one level it was awful. But on another level, it created a pool of shared experiences that bound us more closely into "the society of our peers", where "peers" is understood to include "people with whom we had basically nothing in common".

In retrospect, that wasn't such a bad thing.

[Tvtyrant]

We had to make the friends and learn to endure the parties. Yes, on one level it was awful. But on another level, it created a pool of shared experiences that bound us more closely into "the society of our peers", where "peers" is understood to include "people with whom we had basically nothing in common".

In retrospect, that wasn't such a bad thing.
In my teens and 20s I just dated friend's sisters. Online dating was a weird experience from that.

[Anonymouswizard]

We had to make the friends and learn to endure the parties. Yes, on one level it was awful. But on another level, it created a pool of shared experiences that bound us more closely into "the society of our peers", where "peers" is understood to include "people with whom we had basically nothing in common".

In retrospect, that wasn't such a bad thing.

At some point I should post a detailed analysis of why I can't make friends easily, but I don't have any psychologist friends who could write it. Suffice to say that making a friend seems t take me as much time and effort as it takes most people to find a partner.

Also, due to autism every single time I've tried to go to a party* I've suffered from sensory overload. Suffice to say that even without the social rejection that comes from getting out of a situation which has at minimum caused a flight response, enduring the inability to think because you're absorbing too much information is not pleasant in the slightest. I once had to spend a party literally outside and away from everybody because of the noise.

Add onto that people assuming I'm half a decade or more younger than I am, and the entire 'autism makes people uncomfortable' bit, and yea. Being able to start a relationship via text is a massive step up for somebpdy like me.

* Excusing both dinner parties, which I find are just more subdued, and the ocasional 'party' a friend throws which are an excuse to get eight people, a bottle of wine, and a conversation in the same room.

[snowblizz]

Suffice to say that making a friend seems t take me as much time and effort as it takes most people to find a partner.


IMHO unless you took that much time you don't have a friendship. Real friends are very much partners in life.

As a friend of mine is vaunt to say "a real friend helps you hide the body". I tell him if he is really my friend he'll call someone else first.

[AMFV]

My advice was, is, and will always be to stop adding people from dating sites on Snapchat. Snapchat ain't how you build a relationship with somebody. Start the conversation on OKCupid. If it's going well, ask them on a date. If they say yes, offer your phone number so you can plan the details. Call me old-fashioned but I don't think Snapchat's got any place whatsoever in that process, and your experience seems to attest to that.

Not only that, but if you were somebody looking to purchase nude photos, adding somebody you barely know to SnapChat seems like exactly what you'd do to go about it. Which might explain the confusion.


If I am not confusing it for some other site, Tinder has already become worse than unusable because of the sheer clog of male rapists. Several women reported bad experiences, ranging from man only interested in quick sex, selfish man with whom sex was bad, to man being a rapist. Seems not to be the ideal place for making a good catch, to say the least.

You'd find all of that in bars though. Tinder is the online equivalent of going to a bar and buying a woman drinks. Yeah, you might get a relationship that way, but usually people are looking for something a great deal more superficial. There are other dating sites that are better if you're looking for more dating related things.



More like a muddy pond where you are guaranteed to pull out either an old shoe or the spawn of Cthulu.

Same as picking up women or men in a bar.



Once a dating site has enough men interested in camgirls on it that advertising for camgirls on that site is profitable, all hope is lost already.

It's more like once a dating site becomes profitable enough to pay moderators to sort out and get rid of the camgirls then you have hope.



Most women who are looking for serious relationships have likely already left for better hunting grounds, the rest will give up after some bad experiences.

Or they'll keep going there, the same way that women go to bars. I don't think Tinder is your best bet for serious relationships though.



Or just, you know, settle for women who don't wear make-up. If I had a photo up on a dating site there would be no way of mistaking me for someone who wants to sell photos.
No one who wants to sell photos would look like me, even if they were born with the same face.

He should date women he is attracted to. It's doing a disservice to date somebody that you are not attracted to, because there will be somebody out there who will find that lady (even you) attractive and you deserve that from a partner. Women (and men) deserve to have a partner who feels attracted to them and feels like they got incredibly lucky.


If you're looking for a relationship, as opposed to just sex, my suggestion for online dating is to stay away from dating sites.

This is terrible advice, literally the worst, this is what leads to poor nerds creeping on non-dating sites and trying to make romantic connections there, which is bad for everybody. If you're looking for romance you want to find the right dating site, not go to a non-dating venue looking for dates. Of course, you might find somebody you're interested in on a non-dating venue, but you shouldn't be looking.



Sounds counter-intuitive, I know. But what does a dating site give you? A carefully curated profile, in which the other party is trying to sell themselves. An equally curated set of pictures. I'm sure you've read advice on how to make your own profile look more attractive - well, so has everyone else. And you know what's missing?

Well you should be attracted to a person you're looking to date, again, to date somebody you aren't attracted to is the height of being a jerk, and seeing pictures is generally important for that.



Transparency. I almost said "honesty", but that's not true - plenty of people on those sites are as honest as they know how to be. But even with those people, the trouble is, they're talking about themselves. If there's one subject that you shouldn't take someone else's unsupported word on, it's themselves. Few people even have a very good impression of themselves as seen by other people, and even fewer know you well enough to convey that impression faithfully.

People are dishonest in every venue though, they're just dishonest in different ways. And most good dating sites aren't just a person selling themselves, they're also a person describing their interests. And there are a lot of people there who are honest, I met my spouse on a dating site.



So basically you're looking at photos. If you want to look at photos of attractive people, there are zillions of sites for that exact purpose. But if you want to form a relationship, photos should be the last thing on your mind. Much more important to form a tolerably accurate impression of the other party's intelligence, interests, manners, sense of humour, level of education, ambition, family and general ethics. An inaccurate impression of these qualities is a cast-iron guarantee of disappointment. And when you're trying to gauge these things that actually matter in a relationship - photos are the biggest distraction imaginable. The moment you see a pretty face, your libido will mug your reasoning faculties and substitute your rational "assessment" of these qualities for its own, which will be strongly weighted to what you want to see.

But intelligence, manners, humor, education, ambition, family, and general ethics are NOT going to matter once you get under the covers generally. And in a relationship you want what goes on under the covers to be as good as what goes on outside of the covers. If you're looking for a traditional relationship you can't simply exclude a major component of it (barring somebody who is asexual or what-not). Also those characteristics are not always useful in finding a good partner. Intelligence is impossible to rate in a partner based on what they type even in a non-dating setting. Interests, those can be more useful, but again, people lie about interests or misrepresent them on many sites, not just dating ones. Manners, can't possibly be evaluated from an online encounter. Sense of humor, can definitely be evaluated from practically every dating profile. Level of education, can be changed and doesn't matter as much in relationships as potential for income which is not necessarily related as much as people think. Family is not a good indicator of relationship quality people from bad families can be good people people with good breeding can be jerks. And ethics, you can't evaluate without knowing a person in-person.

Photos are necessary, because the person you date should be distracting to you in that way. You should date somebody you're attracted to, of course, if you have a friendship that evolves that's different, but you shouldn't try and evolve that friendship that way.

[Cozzer]

Just want to chime in to say that AMFV is a wise person who speaks wisdom.

That is not to say that online dating is for everyone, or that other approaches cannot work. But the kind of mentality he expresses in his post is the kind of mentality you want to have in this field. Whatever place (physical or digital) you choose to look for partners, just be open, positive and non-judgemental, and you'll tend to attract people who are the same.

[Blackhawk748]

Im gonna be honest, Im not terribly surprised. Ive been on several dating sites and they pretty much all suck. Not the sites fault or anything, but either it seems like noone is on, they respond with one freaking word (when their profile says no one word messages) or you talk for a bit and then when they go to work they never message you back.

Me? Annoyed? Whaaaaaa


If I am not confusing it for some other site, Tinder has already become worse than unusable because of the sheer clog of male rapists. Several women reported bad experiences, ranging from man only interested in quick sex, selfish man with whom sex was bad, to man being a rapist. Seems not to be the ideal place for making a good catch, to say the least.

Tinder isn't a dating app, its a hookup app. Just because people use it to try and find a relationship doesnt change the reason it was made.

[Velaryon]

My advice was, is, and will always be to stop adding people from dating sites on Snapchat. Snapchat ain't how you build a relationship with somebody. Start the conversation on OKCupid. If it's going well, ask them on a date. If they say yes, offer your phone number so you can plan the details. Call me old-fashioned but I don't think Snapchat's got any place whatsoever in that process, and your experience seems to attest to that.

I definitely second this. What benefit is there in involving Snapchat at all? I would expect to go straight from chatting with a possible date on OKCupid (or whatever dating site) to meeting in person. If the person I've been chatting with suddenly wants me to add them on Snapchat, I would regard that as a red flag that they are probably not a legit profile. If on the other hand you're the one moving to connect with them on Snapchat... why?



This might sound weird, but the problem isn't the profile, that presents me exactly how I want to be presented and as such drives away a large portion of potential matches that I wasn't interested in anyway. The problem is the lack of pictures, I tend to appear in about one picture a year, and as such I generally only have one, very occasionally two, pictures that present me as I actually am and not who I am several years ago.

I think if you're lacking in profile photos, it's worth going out of your way to change that. Get a friend to take a good picture or two of you, specifically for use as a profile photo. It's good to have photos that show you doing the stuff you enjoy, but go the extra mile and take a photo or two just for your dating profile.

[Anonymouswizard]

I think if you're lacking in profile photos, it's worth going out of your way to change that. Get a friend to take a good picture or two of you, specifically for use as a profile photo. It's good to have photos that show you doing the stuff you enjoy, but go the extra mile and take a photo or two just for your dating profile.

Ah, sorry, it's the 'doing stuff I enjoy' photos that I'm missing :smallwink:

[Peelee]

I think if you're lacking in profile photos, it's worth going out of your way to change that. Get a friend to take a good picture or two of you, specifically for use as a profile photo. It's good to have photos that show you doing the stuff you enjoy, but go the extra mile and take a photo or two just for your dating profile.

Seconded, but I'd also advise to use those pictures tactically. Don't have a picture say "here's what I look like," have it also say "and here's why you should talk to me!" Make them exciting and ridiculous! Create scenarios, have the pictures tell a story, make them fun and interesting! Have a friend get a picture of you mid-ride while in the seat next to you (and buy said friend some food, because that's not an easy feat). Get a shot of you playing The Floor Is Lava, and photoshop the floor into actually being lava. Maybe a picture of you in casual clothing photoshopped onto a frame of an incredibly famous movie scene with an overly-hammy pose/reaction to the scene in question.

Have fun with it! Mostly because then, when people see them, they think, "wow, AnonymousWizard seems like a really fun person, I should talk to 'em!" *swoon*

[Anonymouswizard]

Have fun with it! Mostly because then, when people see them, they think, "wow, AnonymousWizard seems like a really fun person, I should talk to 'em!" *swoon*

Honestly what I need to get is some sailing and acting pictures (people are heavily interested in thelatter for some reason), but both are a bit hard to do round here.

[Peelee]

Honestly what I need to get is some sailing and acting pictures (people are heavily interested in thelatter for some reason), but both are a bit hard to do round here.

Go to the craft store, get 5-6 large poster boards and a few magic markers of various colors. Tape the poster boards together, crudley draw a sailboat, water, and sun (maybe clouds). The closer to looking like a toddler drew it, the better. If you have long-enough hair, have a fan pointed at you to give the effect of a breeze. Have someone take a picture of you standing in front of the sailboat (ideally with the fan partially included).

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/G91mXQ1LTow/hqdefault.jpghttps://miro.medium.com/max/1109/0*b60J-HFOiN7cSVN1.JPG

[Anonymouswizard]

Go to the craft store, get 5-6 large poster boards and a few magic markers of various colors. Tape the poster boards together, crudley draw a sailboat, water, and sun (maybe clouds). The closer to looking like a toddler drew it, the better. If you have long-enough hair, have a fan pointed at you to give the effect of a breeze. Have someone take a picture of you standing in front of the sailboat (ideally with the fan partially included).

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/G91mXQ1LTow/hqdefault.jpghttps://miro.medium.com/max/1109/0*b60J-HFOiN7cSVN1.JPG

I mean, the problem is I do have really good, this looks like a barrel of laughs acting photos, but they're half a decade out of date, as well as literally being qualified to captain a dingy, so it's one of those weird situations where the low effort look just looks really bad compared to what I know I could have. Like, you have to get just the right amount of no effort, and considering I've got access to pictures of me acting in a thrown together costume with no set (all of which was intentional for the piece) anything which looks like it takes more effort would just feel tacky.

Like, those pictures are the end result of an entire week of intense effort, but they look like very little effort was put in.When your set is four ladders it takes a lot to top it.

[Peelee]

I mean, the problem is I do have really good, this looks like a barrel of laughs acting photos, but they're half a decade out of date, as well as literally being qualified to captain a dingy, so it's one of those weird situations where the low effort look just looks really bad compared to what I know I could have. Like, you have to get just the right amount of no effort, and considering I've got access to pictures of me acting in a thrown together costume with no set (all of which was intentional for the piece) anything which looks like it takes more effort would just feel tacky.

Like, those pictures are the end result of an entire week of intense effort, but they look like very little effort was put in.When your set is four ladders it takes a lot to top it.

I'm not trying to say low-effort. I'm trying to say completely over-the-top. And that was before I knew you had legit cool photos.

[Anonymouswizard]

I'm not trying to say low-effort. I'm trying to say completely over-the-top. And that was before I knew you had legit cool photos.

Yeah, the problem is I have and can in theory get legit cool photos, but the ones I have are from when I was 18.

[Peelee]

Yeah, the problem is I have and can in theory get legit cool photos, but the ones I have are from when I was 18.

Yeah, I tend to advocate "if you lack skills, go for humor." You have skill. I have humor. :smallwink:

[Anonymouswizard]

Yeah, I tend to advocate "if you lack skills, go for humor." You have skill. I have humor. :smallwink:

Now now, humour is a skill.

[Rydiro]

Tinder has already become worse than unusable because of the sheer clog of male rapists. Several women reported bad experiences, ranging from man only interested in quick sex, selfish man with whom sex was bad, to man being a rapist.Do you even like men/are you even into men?

[Peelee]

Do you even like men/are you even into men?

Is that relevant to what Themrys said?

[Rydiro]

Is that relevant to what Themrys said?It is a little easier to look down on male sexuality, if you are not involved in it in either direction.
In any case, I think there should be more kindness when talking about men and women.
Negativity is unhelpful.

[tomandtish]

IMHO unless you took that much time you don't have a friendship. Real friends are very much partners in life.

As a friend of mine is vaunt to say "a real friend helps you hide the body". I tell him if he is really my friend he'll call someone else first.

As I originally heard the quote (back in the 80s)...

"Friends help you move. Real Friends help you move bodies".

Alternatively...

"A friend will bail you out of jail. A real friend is in the cell next to you".

[Peelee]

As I originally heard the quote (back in the 80s)...

"Friends help you move. Real Friends help you move bodies".

Alternatively...

"A friend will bail you out of jail. A real friend is in the cell next to you".

Those sayings are pithy, but the problem is inherent straight away. The friend is significantly better than the real friend; the friend with the bail money is the valuable one here. I don't need someone in the cell next to me, that does nothing. Both people are stuck in jail, that is literally the worst possible outcome in this "two people and a jail" scenario!

[snowblizz]

As I originally heard the quote (back in the 80s)...

"Friends help you move. Real Friends help you move bodies".

Alternatively...

"A friend will bail you out of jail. A real friend is in the cell next to you".

Just as a note, half the "fun"* with the move the body thing is we (me and my friends) all know that one local incident about 20 years ago when this actually happened.
A guy killed his stepfather and his friend (claims unwittingly) helped move a rug containing the body.

So to us, it's not exactly just a saying. It really happened and we all know the people who did it. It's small community (and in my lifetime, going on 40 years, there have been 3 murders).

*some will argue morbid



Those sayings are pithy, but the problem is inherent straight away. The friend is significantly better than the real friend; the friend with the bail money is the valuable one here. I don't need someone in the cell next to me, that does nothing. Both people are stuck in jail, that is literally the worst possible outcome in this "two people and a jail" scenario!
Well the saying isn't about how useful said people are but more about closeness of your bond of friendship. Becasue naturally the winner is the brief aquitance who talks you out off doing anything before it happens.

[Spore]

With me being active on a rather promiscuous gay dating platform (no it's not grindr) for about 15 years now, I can understand you people. The following will be smart tips none of which I will do myself because I love sabotaging myself too much apparently.

1) Be sure what you are looking for, communicate that through your profile in every aspect.
If you want a hook-up, maybe that flattering beach body pic from three years ago might be the perfect profile picture. If you want a series of dates with someone who is serious about yourself, maybe just another set of pictures showing you on things you like, with a profile text about roleplaying games, and some more mainstream stuff.

2) Choose your words carefully, for written communication looses a lot of non-verbal cues.
Intonation, facial expressions and gestures are not a part of any dating chat. Plus you need a good sense of people (and in many cases, luck and/or a crystal ball) not to be coming on too strong while not patiently waiting until your chat partner finds someone else. (Believe me I have done both. Apparently waiting 3 months to make your move is too slow.)

3) Be yourself goddamnit, but don't drown the other person in your personality.
We are predominantly roleplayers here. While we are not actors, most of us know we are a wide variety of personalities. My work personality is nonchalant and professional. My personality with friends is raunchy and sarcastic. My personality with acquaintances and family is unassuming and polite. Stick with a safe one and gradually add in more personality traits.

4) Don't just talk about yourself.
This is actually the most important one. And if you only chat about yourself, this is a surefire way to realize someone is not into you. Maybe a hookup can still happen, but there is no way they want to meet you only to continue to talk about themselves for another hour or two.

Take my tips with caution as I am 30+ and still single. However most of these are perceived things of why I could've failed before.

[Samba Mentality]

First off, I would like to say that it is entirely possible to find your true love online! No judgment for online daters.

I have a couple problems with online dating.

A) By using an online dating platform, you are browsing other people as amenities or products, looking at all their best qualities, like shopping on Amazon, while having never met them in person or knowing their flaws. It dehumanizes the humans participating.

B) Two people can be completely compatible and fall in love without having any hobbies or personality traits in common. By searching for that one person by only looking among those who share that one thing with you, you might be overlooking your soul mate!

Sorry if that sounded aggressive or rant-y, I have what you could call an RBF for writing.

[Chen]

First off, I would like to say that it is entirely possible to find your true love online! No judgment for online daters.

I have a couple problems with online dating.

A) By using an online dating platform, you are browsing other people as amenities or products, looking at all their best qualities, like shopping on Amazon, while having never met them in person or knowing their flaws. It dehumanizes the humans participating.

B) Two people can be completely compatible and fall in love without having any hobbies or personality traits in common. By searching for that one person by only looking among those who share that one thing with you, you might be overlooking your soul mate!

Sorry if that sounded aggressive or rant-y, I have what you could call an RBF for writing.

I would say it dehumanizes people far less than something like trying to pick someone up at a bar or club would. I mean the only thing getting you the approach at all in those cases is the observable attractiveness of the person. At least with a dating profile you can get a feel of what they like DOING as well as how physically attractive they are.

Soul mates or some "one perfect person" for each individual is nonsense so the second point is kinda irrelevant. And frankly you can still look through dating profiles just looking at the pictures if you want to try meeting someone even if their interests don't match yours.

[Peelee]

By using an online dating platform, you are browsing other people as amenities or products, looking at all their best qualities, like shopping on Amazon, while having never met them in person or knowing their flaws. It dehumanizes the humans participating.

I would argue that most people trying to date, regardless of medium, highlight their best qualities, hide their worst, and possibly even act better than they normally do.

[Tvtyrant]

I would argue that most people trying to date, regardless of medium, highlight their best qualities, hide their worst, and possibly even act better than they normally do.

Except for the ghosting and D picks. The Internet makes us all more extreme I think, both better and worse.

[Chen]

Except for the ghosting and D picks. The Internet makes us all more extreme I think, both better and worse.

People ghosted way before the Internet existed. I'll grant the D pics were far less common before the internet though.

[Tvtyrant]

People ghosted way before the Internet existed. I'll grant the D pics were far less common before the internet though.

Almost everything from the Internet existed before it. Doesn't mean it hasn't increased the rate and intensity of those things. Ghosting used to be much less common, it is quite literally the norm now.

[Anymage]

Almost everything from the Internet existed before it. Doesn't mean it hasn't increased the rate and intensity of those things. Ghosting used to be much less common, it is quite literally the norm now.

People use "ghosting" to mean different things. Are you talking about having them fall off after a few dates (in which case that happens when everybody feels spoiled for options), or about going from a relationship to falling off the planet? The latter absolutely happened pre-internet, and the only thing that made it less likely was that you often dated people with overlapping social circles which made it harder to just up and vanish. The major difference was opportunity, not character. (Similarly, unexpected intimate photos are only more common because everybody has devices that can quickly capture, send, and receive pictures on the fly. Jokes about things like cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn show that the outlook was always there, the opportunities were just lacking.)

And considering that we're all spending our time talking to strangers on a forum instead of our close-knit group of friends, it's safe to say that norms enforced by smaller, tighter social circles are on their way out.

[Lemmy]

Tinder is designed and intended for hook ups. Trying to use it to find real relstionships is like trying to use a screwdriver to hammer a nail into the wall... You can do it, if you really want to... But it'll take a lot of extra time and effort. And you probably still won't end up with the best result.

That said, most dating apps are kinda useless anyway. Too many people use it for validation or commercial transactions rather than for their intended purpose.

[snowblizz]

Tinder is designed and intended for hook ups. Trying to use it to find real relstionships is like trying to use a screwdriver to hammer a nail into the wall... You can do it, if you really want to... But it'll take a lot of extra time and effort. And you probably still won't end up with the best result.

That said, most dating apps are kinda useless anyway. Too many people use it for validation or commercial transactions rather than for their intended purpose.

If we want to be cynic, aren't dating apps and the like effectively predicated on the idea that you don't find someone and keep looking. I.e. the intended purpose is to siphon fees or advertising income off people for as long as possible. As far as I know such sites/apps don't get paid on their success rate of creaintg lasting and meaningful relationships.

[Eldan]

I miss the old days when all you needed were friends who knew people and a party.

Well, as someone who has neither friends nor has ever been to a party...

(Okay, that's not true. I have a handful of very good friends. But not friends who know available singles, I'd take any bet. Most of them have probably never had a relationship either, and they are in their thirties. And they also never go to parties, at least not parties that don't involve no more than six people and at least three board games.)

[Rydiro]

Tinder is designed and intended for hook ups. Trying to use it to find real relstionships is like trying to use a screwdriver to hammer a nail into the wall... You can do it, if you really want to... But it'll take a lot of extra time and effort. And you probably still won't end up with the best result.

That said, most dating apps are kinda useless anyway. Too many people use it for validation or commercial transactions rather than for their intended purpose.I found my wife on Tinder. Like, the first date I managed to get through the app. 100% success rate. 5/5 would do again.

[Lemmy]

I found my wife on Tinder. Like, the first date I managed to get through the app. 100% success rate. 5/5 would do again.
And some people win millions of dollars in the lottery. Doesn't mean it's a good financial plan.

[Scarlet Knight]

I would say it dehumanizes people far less than something like trying to pick someone up at a bar or club would. I mean the only thing getting you the approach at all in those cases is the observable attractiveness of the person. At least with a dating profile you can get a feel of what they like DOING as well as how physically attractive they are.


Judging a potential mate by attractiveness is the most human thing there is; it is how it's been done for over 10 thousand years...it's how we're designed. Modified, of course, by our standards adjusting to our needs.

Where you see that person also plays into "what they like doing" as you will usually meet them in a place where you both want to be, whether rocking or praying. Still you need to enhance your odds. Avoid the Game Shop where the male:female ratio is 10-1 and consider that Zumba class .

Sadly, even with all my years, I don't have a really tried and true method. I was set up with my wife. My one son met his wife at college. My other son met his online, and my daughter met her fiance at the firehouse delivering food to her brother.

[Rydiro]

And some people win millions of dollars in the lottery. Doesn't mean it's a good financial plan.Unlike the lottery, it doesn't cost much.
Perhaps there is a different consumer base where i live. A friend of ours also found her current bf there. And they seem like a solid couple.
I agree that you should try other stuff too. Diversifying your financial plan, so to speak.

[AMFV]

Unlike the lottery, it doesn't cost much.
Perhaps there is a different consumer base where i live. A friend of ours also found her current bf there. And they seem like a solid couple.
I agree that you should try other stuff too. Diversifying your financial plan, so to speak.

Lotto tickets are under 10 bucks, since when are you spending under bucks for a first date.

[Peelee]

Lotto tickets are under 10 bucks, since when are you spending under bucks for a first date.

Go to a park with a fountain with a roll of pennies. Take turns tossing one in to make a wish.

Both people get to learn things about the other that otherwise wouldn't come up in normal conversation, each wish can be a conversation starter, each wish has the potential to be a joke instead, you spend the afternoon talking with the person where both sides are, by necessity, engaging in conversation to some degree.

Memorable first date on half a dollar.

[Lemmy]

Unlike the lottery, it doesn't cost much.
Perhaps there is a different consumer base where i live. A friend of ours also found her current bf there. And they seem like a solid couple.
I agree that you should try other stuff too. Diversifying your financial plan, so to speak.

You could get a free lottery ticket every week, and it still wouldn't be a good idea to rely on it for your finances...

In any case, my only point is that Tinder isn't designed or intended for finding serious relationships. It can be used for that, but it's not the best tool around.

I have used screwdriver as improvised hammers many times (just hold it by the pointy end and hit the nail with the handle). It's clearly possible. It clearly did the job... But it clearly wasn't the optimal choice.

[Rydiro]

Lotto tickets are under 10 bucks, since when are you spending under bucks for a first date.I honestly enjoyed every date I went to, even the ones that didn't work out.

I feel like getting a date is a win in the lottery. You meet a new and interesting person. You have a good time. You have a good chance that things proceed.

A positive attitude absolutely helps.