Things to do to destroy a storyline or tick off the DM

[Nevar]

1: Revive or resurect the PC that was supposed to die
2: Have of at least 5 plot hooks to 5 differant adventures, and all you do is set up a fruit vending stand
3: Killing the BBEG by a stroke of luck the very first time you meet him with an ability the DM forgot you had
4: 3 Words Flying Carniverous Monkies...

[Azerian Kelimon]

Polymorph.

Belts of battle.

Any class that gets full arcane and divine spellcasting.

[Wooter]

DM: You see the dead body in front of you, obvioulsy murdered. You should probably look for clues to see if you can link the murder to a possible suspect.

Player: I cast "speak with dead"

DM: ...crap.

[....]

5. While sitting in the tavern, instead of talking to the mysterious old man who asks for your help, stab him in the face and continue drinking.

6. Find out where the crazy necromancer's tower is. Assure everyone in town you'll fell this dire threat, then go to the necromancers tower, knock on the door, and ask if he'd like a new partner. If he says no, kill his minions and ask again.

7.Fire. Lots of fire.

9. Insist on thinking everything is a trap. When poor dirt farmers beg you to save their son who was carted off by ogres, be sure to cast dispell magic, detect magic, and do a brisk physical search of the farmers and their house before you even start to consider helping them.

10. Make sure every quest you take is written on legally binding, magical paper.

[Aquillion]

11:
DM: "I have called you here," the man in black says, "to request a simple job..."

Wizard: Detect thoughts!
Paladin: Detect evil!
Psion: Read thoughts!

DM: #$!@#!!

Also, 12:
DM: "According to the legend, to find your way through the labyrinth you must collect the seven pieces of the map that were scattered..."

Druid: Find the Path!

DM: #$!@#!!

Related, 13:
"So, you are trapped in the house until the storm ends, and must somehow discover the identity of the killer before he..."

Wizard: I Detect Thoughts until I know who's guilty. Then I Hold Person them and Teleport them to the proper authorities.

DM: #$!@#!!

[valadil]

13. Roleplay incessantly. This only ticks of DMs of purely combat games, but it works wonders.
14. When DM sets mage game in his home town (with the purpose of showing you how much nicer it is than your home town) insist that folks there are a little slow and ripe for abuse. Play a mexican cult leader.
15. Write said mexican cult leader's backstory en espanol.
16. Use old SNL Bill Brasky sketches as backstory, replacing Brasky's name with your character's.
17. Use Eye of Argon by Jim Theis as in game prop (we had a PC who was a writer so we claimed he wrote this). Make DM read it outloud.

[Mewtarthio]

23 (?)) "With the money from the horde, I buy I nice beach villa and retire."

[Kurald Galain]

I waste him with my crossbow!!

[Mad Mask]

19: Flee the village that the dragon is terrorizing.
20: Set the evil cleric's church on fire.
21: Shivering touch on the uber dragon BBEG.
22: Go out in the sea and destroy the artifact that destroy the world/turn the BBEG invincible.
23: Kill the evil cleric while he sits in the tavern
...

[Xuincherguixe]

24. Kill important NPCs ("The Mayor", "The Princess", "The good but misunderstood member of a normally evil race","The fruit vendor")
25. Take over the shop of the storekeeper you just killed.
26. Throw every important item into a well.
27. Throw the talking animal into the well too.
28. Introduce yourself to everyone as the King of the Land. This goes double for the real king. If you for some reason are the King, introduce yourself as the evil advisor who plans to usurp the throw. You must be wearing your crown at the time.
29. Throw a rock at everything.
30. Change religions/gods constantly.
31. Throw all the towns babies down the well.
32. Summon a demon in the well.
33. Be a better villain than the BBEG.

[truemane]

24. Use modern knowledge of politics/economics to cause wide-spread problems. "People! You have individual freedom! You should be allowed to vote for your leaders! Revolt!"
25. Flatly refuse all level-appropriate encnouters, instead choosing to slum among the low-level threats. "I attack the kobold. 246 damage FTW!"
26. Use knowledge of modern economics to build financial empire. "I make 1,000 Amulets of Warmth and sell them to the entire town for pennies in the dead of winter, thereby dropping the bottom out of wool prices and cornering the market. Now. Dispel Magic."
27. Take vows of Peace and/or Non-Violence. Don't take feats, just refuse to hurt anyone. Seek political solutions. "Listen, if you want the dragon to be nice, just give him all your virgins. Kill him? But that drags us down to his level!"
28. Insist on proper legal safeguards for everything. "Are we SURE those Ogres killed the merchants? Did they sign the waiver?"
29. Become addicted to something. Insist that all the bad stuff you do to feed your addiction isn't evil, it's a "Substance Abuse Problem" and all those Paladins should have some empathy.
30. Play a Monk. Consistently maintain that you are NOT underpowered, even in the face of withering evidence to the contrary.

[Swordguy]

31. Destroy his campaign world with antimatter (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2010735#post2010735)

[KIDS]

DM: "I have called you here," the man in black says, "to request a simple job..."

Wizard: Detect thoughts!
Paladin: Detect evil!
Psion: Read thoughts!

DM: #$!@#!!

Thanks a lot for the awesome laugh, great idea there and many cookies to you :smallsmile:

[Citizen Joe]

DM: You see the dead body in front of you, obvioulsy murdered. You should probably look for clues to see if you can link the murder to a possible suspect.

Player: I cast "speak with dead"

DM: ...crap.
You know, they are doing just that in the new show Pushing Daiseys on ABC.

[Indon]

11:
DM: "I have called you here," the man in black says, "to request a simple job..."

Wizard: Detect thoughts!
Paladin: Detect evil!
Psion: Read thoughts!

DM: #$!@#!!


Cleric: Turn undead!
Barbarian: Rage!
Druid: I call my animal companion! *T-Rex enters tavern*



30. Play a Monk. Consistently maintain that you are NOT underpowered, even in the face of withering evidence to the contrary.

Better:
-Make your Monk int-based, for better skills. Don't take any feats that allow you to tie your class features with Int.
-Constantly play sub-optimally, saying you're roleplaying, and that if you did play effectively it would too easily overshadow the party.

Heh.

[Vasdenjas]

17. Use Eye of Argon by Jim Theis as in game prop (we had a PC who was a writer so we claimed he wrote this). Make DM read it outloud.

I hate you so much. I'd forgotten all about that. I'll just go in the corner now and cry....

[TheAlmightyOne]

When meeting with improtant political figures indroduce yourself by saying 'word to thine mother'. Insist this is roleplaying

Bluff people older than you, or for better effect those of a different species and still older than you, into thinking youre their father. keep trying untill you roll a natural 20

Play a female character. Get impregnated

Play a male character. Claim you have become impregnated

[EndgamerAzari]

Attempt to use Sense Motive on EVERY NPC YOU COME ACROSS.

Even if you have no reason to distrust them.

ESPECIALLY if you have no reason to distrust them.

[Swordguy]

Attempt to use Sense Motive on EVERY NPC YOU COME ACROSS.

Even if you have no reason to distrust them.

ESPECIALLY if you have no reason to distrust them.

Jeeze...CoC much?

[Runolfr]

DM: "I have called you here," the man in black says, "to request a simple job..."

Wizard: Detect thoughts!

Foiled by nondetection or a good Will save.


Paladin: Detect evil!

Foiled by nondetection or the target simply not having an evil aura (not a divine caster and less than level 10).


Psion: Read thoughts!

Foiled by not polluting your campaign with psionics.

[Runolfr]

As a real-life lawyer playing a member of the city watch, use every trick you've learned from your profession when interrogating small-time criminals for information about the Evil Organization.

Ask for the name of every unimportant shopkeeper, beggar, street urchin, farmer, etc. that you encounter. Expect the DM to remember those names when you go back later to ask them questions, purchase mundane items, idly chat, etc.

[DraPrime]

When you get a powerful artifact grind it up and make it into a stew.

[Aquillion]

Foiled by nondetection or a good Will save.

Foiled by nondetection or the target simply not having an evil aura (not a divine caster and less than level 10).

Foiled by not polluting your campaign with psionics.While nondetection will work, it will also make the players rightfully suspicious. A good will save helps, too, but, again... if someone is supposed to be a commoner or aristocrat, the players have a right to get suspicious IC-ly if they turn out to have an unusually strong mind. Aristocrats, commoners, and experts aren't supposed to have the willpower to protect their minds like that.

Any evil creature has at least some evil aura. It might be faint, but a Paladin will detect it and, at the very least, know to be suspicious. (Actually, even if the character wasn't going to betray the PCs, reading them as evil will still screw up your campaign, since the Paladin can't accept a job from someone known to be evil.)

And Read Thoughts isn't really overwhelmingly more powerful than Detect Thoughts. It acts a bit faster and lets you read all nearby minds at once if they fail their will saves, but you only get it if you're specializing in telepathy, so it's not like it's that out there.


DM: You see the dead body in front of you, obvioulsy murdered. You should probably look for clues to see if you can link the murder to a possible suspect.

Player: I cast "speak with dead"This one, though, doesn't have to screw things up. Speak with Dead only reveals things the subject knew up to the moment of death, so you could just have them say something like "I was stabbed in the back and everything went dark" or, if you want to give the players a bit for casting the spell, "I didn't get a good look at my attacker, but I noticed (some minor clue)"

[Reptilius]

Make the magic words of your spells something incredibly rude in another language. Shout them out when ever you cast that spell.

[DraPrime]

Hit on every single living thing that you meet. The DM will immediately want to know why you just tried to kiss a gelatinous cube.

[Runolfr]

While nondetection will work, it will also make the players rightfully suspicious. A good will save helps, too, but, again... if someone is supposed to be a commoner or aristocrat, the players have a right to get suspicious IC-ly if they turn out to have an unusually strong mind. Aristocrats, commoners, and experts aren't supposed to have the willpower to protect their minds like that.

Well, if you don't roll the save in front of them, they don't know how much of a bonus the guy had, do they? For all they know, it was just a really lucky commoner.


Any evil creature has at least some evil aura. It might be faint, but a Paladin will detect it and, at the very least, know to be suspicious. (Actually, even if the character wasn't going to betray the PCs, reading them as evil will still screw up your campaign, since the Paladin can't accept a job from someone known to be evil.)

Looking back, I guess they do register as "faint", after all. Of course, the messenger could be a neutral-aligned hired mook.

[A Gray Phantom]

DM: You see the dead body in front of you, obvioulsy murdered. You should probably look for clues to see if you can link the murder to a possible suspect.

Player: I cast "speak with dead"

DM: ...crap.

"Who killed you?"
It... was... a... man...
"What did he look like?"
He... looka... like... a... man...
"..."

Mad TV for the win :smallwink:!

[Blanks]

Ok, we had the IRL lawyer, im studying to become an economist.

32.
Ask about the interest rates of different banks.

33.
Inquire about inflation and the number of unemployed people in the city.

34.
Refuse to buy items not produced in your home country in order to help your countrys economy. Declare anyone not doing so to be evil and attack them.

34b.
Include commoners.

35.
Ask about stock options when you are hired to do a job.

[truemane]

64. Invent short, incredibly mundane and contrived ryhmes for each of your spells ("When I wish to kill you all/I just send a FIREBALL!", and recite them whenever casting. Every now and again go off into a corner of the room and look through your rhymes. Tell the players you're preparing spells for the day. Insist they wait for you before continuing.

65. Play your alignment to the ABSOLUTE letter. Insist everyone else does so as well, or else declare their alignments have changed, and inist they follow their new aligments. Keep track of where everyone is. Make a chart. Present it often.

66. Flatly refuse to follow the dictates of your aligment. Use thin and/or flimsy excuses why Action A falls under Aligmnent A ("Of course it's a Good act! If I steal the Paladin's sword, he'll die sooner, and so I won't have to listen to him preach at me, thereby reducing my stress level making me a more effective combatant, meaning I'll kill more bad guys. Greater Good, right?").

67. Play a full Divine or Arcane caster. Overshadow everyone all the time. Do everything you want and take everything you like. Insist this is roleplaying.

68. Refuse to take Common as a language. Make your backstory include why. Say "Huh?" all the time when the DM tells you things.

69. Try to play Pun Pun. Complain when your DM says no. Call him a Communist. Loudly. Insist this is roleplaying.

[Xuincherguixe]

70. Play a communist. (As it's usually a medieval setting, Communism doesn't make much sense. If there are other Communists, this isn't nearly as funny)

[....]

71. Place a large, heavy, dirty rock on the table. Insist no one look at, touch, or mention the rock. Then, before every die roll, have a whispered consultation with said rock. If anyone looks, touches, or mentions aforementioned rock during said consultation, scream loudly and begin to cry. Call everyone at the table noobs.

[Runolfr]

70. Play a communist. (As it's usually a medieval setting, Communism doesn't make much sense. If there are other Communists, this isn't nearly as funny)

"We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week... *urk* Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

[Mewtarthio]

71. Place a large, heavy, dirty rock on the table. Insist no one look at, touch, or mention the rock. Then, before every die roll, have a whispered consultation with said rock. If anyone looks, touches, or mentions aforementioned rock during said consultation, scream loudly and begin to cry. Call everyone at the table noobs.

:smallbiggrin:

72) Attempt to determine the in-depth economic consequences of the DnD rules. Ask shopkeepers where they bought their magic items. If they produce the items themselves, find out where they bought the materials. Spend entire sessions following the money around and learning as much as you can about the economy. Claim that the economy is unrealistic, then attempt to change it.

73) Play an Artificer. Destroy any magic items you find to ensure you have a monopoly. Make the party barbarian use a magic sword of your own design with the command phrase, "Crystal Moon Powers, Activate!"

[Krasus]

Play a paladin. Insist you are given no reward for any quests you do. Trying to get the rest of the party to go rewardless is only an added bonus. Any magic items and loot you receive are to donated to your temple/church/deity as soon as possible. If anyone in your party complains that you are purposefully making yourself weak, claim you trust your god to protect you.

[goat]

74) The map is a suggestion, not a rule. It might tell you to go North, but right now, you've got a good feeling about West.

[Threeshades]

75. In the very first session with your new party, sneak attack the barkeeper. (its what i did)

76. Gamble at a game of "Deck of Many Things" (that's what the whole party did, the only survivor of that incident was the gnome wizard who gained like 5 levels from those cards)

77. Always treat the "Wanted"-poster condition "Dead or alive" as "Cut into small, handy pieces" and gross out the adventurers guild (its also what the whole party did)

78. Set fire to a whole quartet of a plot central town (its what I did)

79. Come up with new characters every two sessions (its what im doing all the time)

[hylian chozo]

77. Always treat the "Wanted"-poster condition "Dead or alive" as "Cut into small, handy pieces" and gross out the adventurers guild (its also what the whole party did)



better yet, animate him as a zombie. why tell them he's dead when you can present his still moving corpse to the quest giver? (bonus points to rekill them on the spot)

[Toliudar]

When starting a new character, spend all of your gold on alchemist's fire. Become a suicide bomber, taking out as much of the campaign setting's main city with you as possible. Roll up new character. Repeat.

[Jarlax]

80. Give a Horned ring to 1st level adventurers (people who have run or read undermountain will get this)

81. win the game though non-combat means. this has included but not been limited to.

financial victory though a mages guild built entirely of the magical equipment (cauldrons, alchemy labs etc.) found if evil wizards towers. this produces not only a large sum of money but also a small army of low to mid level casters with several high level caster alumni

Military Victory through proper use of various books that produce a tower with fly/move/swim/dig speeds equipped with many spell turrets on the outside with disintegrate as the first spell each one prepares. (the tower was adamantite or better so the hardiness of the turrets was stupidly good)

Political Victory by assassinating their way to the top of the government.

82. Chaotic Stupid

83. Lawful stupid

84. refuse to do a task and use an NPC as the excuse. "i wont escape the village before the orcs destroy it, i would rather die than abandon the horse i just found for free"

[Human Paragon 3]

Insist your character is morbidly obese. Take many flaws to mechanically represent this. For bonus feats, take skill focuses and monkey grip. Constantly, throughout the campaign, insist you are too tired to continue, need rest and/or need food. Refuse to attempt anything physically demanding like crawling, climbing, jumping, sneaking or fighting. When you are forced to, try your best to fail, and then yell "Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!"

[Aquillion]

73) Play an Artificer. Destroy any magic items you find to ensure you have a monopoly.Wait, there are artificers who don't take apart every artifact the party allows them to in order to boost their craft reserve?


Make the party barbarian use a magic sword of your own design with the command phrase, "Crystal Moon Powers, Activate!"Or "By The Power of Grayskull, I have the power!"

[Azerian Kelimon]

Better yet, "Fantastic Twin powers, ACTIVATE!"

[Mewtarthio]

Wait, there are artificers who don't take apart every artifact the party allows them to in order to boost their craft reserve?

No, but you'll note I didn't use the "allows them to" qualifier.

[DraPrime]

Punch the DM in the face.

[Glyphic]

Demand to role play out past traumas and freaky romantic scenes. Don't be afraid to start LARPing


Remember, he's not just the DM; he's your therapist!

[BardicDuelist]

I don't know what number we're on, but:

**. Have the party consistantly get themselves killed, either through hubris, PvP, or plain stupidity. Your DM probably won't know what to do with consistant TPKs that he is trying to avoid.

Everything else, he has control over.

[Sinsie]

88. This (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0497.html).

[....]

88. This (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0497.html).

lol irl for real

[Hzurr]

better yet, animate him as a zombie. why tell them he's dead when you can present his still moving corpse to the quest giver? (bonus points to rekill them on the spot)

Hmm..but that could be used as a way for the Quest giver to avoid paying up.

Quest Giver: "Is he alive"?
PC: "No, he's a zombie"
QG: "Is he dead?"
PC: "No, he's undead."
QG: "Well, we only wanted him dead or alive. If he's neither, you get nothing. Sorry!"

[Xuincherguixe]

Hmm..but that could be used as a way for the Quest giver to avoid paying up.

Quest Giver: "Is he alive"?
PC: "No, he's a zombie"
QG: "Is he dead?"
PC: "No, he's undead."
QG: "Well, we only wanted him dead or alive. If he's neither, you get nothing. Sorry!"

Alternatively, with enough of an appropriate social skill (not sure which one applies here) convince the person to pay double. Though I suspect that only works with Schroedinger, or his cat girl.

[John Campbell]

When you've got to steal the MacGuffin from the epic-level lich necromancer's citadel in order to prevent the evil enchantress from conquering and/or destroying the world, point out that the lich doesn't want the world conquered and/or destroyed either, at least not by anyone but him, so the obvious thing to do is just tell him what you need the MacGuffin for, and ask him if he'll let you borrow it for a little while. Proceed to do so, thus short-circuiting about two months worth of pre-planned acquire-the-MacGuffin campaign and setting the party's annoying paladin up for a fall later when the lich calls in the favor.

[Mewtarthio]

Quest Giver: "Is he alive"?
PC: "No, he's a zombie"
QG: "Is he dead?"
PC: "No, he's undead."
QG: "Well, we only wanted him dead or alive. If he's neither, you get nothing. Sorry!"

Hm...

91) When recieving payment for any sort of mercenary mission, look angrily at the money you have just been given, then state, "You know, it occurs to me that you'd only have hired us if we were better at fighting than you. Also, we have just proven our willingness to kill people for money..."

92) Play a Changeling. When negociating any sort of mercenary contract, assume an alternate identity. Demand a down payment, then take the money and hide it somewhere else. When your employer's next of kin show up, say this (http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20040415.html).

93) Play a Changeling. Limit your aliases to musical references (eg "Captain Eileen Dexyl of the Midnight Runner," "Killer, the Queen of Bohemia," "Kilroy Roboto, native of the river Styx," etc).

[Edea]

94)
Step 1: Play a Warlock. Chaotic Evil Warlock, obviously.

Step 2: Learn baleful utterance.

Step 3: Insist that the Dark Speech syllable used to activate the baleful utterance invocation is "Biaatch!!". Emphatically. You will yell this at the top of your lungs every time you use the invocation.

Step 4: Insist that your eldritch blast emanates from your urethra, and that it's your equivalent of urinating. Basically, you piss on everything in sight. Restate this everytime you augment it with vitriolic blast. Piss often, preferably at dangerous objects or on the PC's equipment.

Step 5: Whenever the DM mentions an object (such as "glass", "door", "small bridge", or "chair"), use baleful utterance. If it doesn't work, you say that your character proceeds to "piss on" the object in question.

Step 6: Whenever the DM presents a female NPC, you will ask if she is wearing clothes, and if she is, you will use baleful utterance on them. If this doesn't work (such as, say her clothes are now magical, as everything shall become very, very quickly), use a hideous blow. Tell the DM that was a "bitchslap."

Step 7: Learn voracious dispelling. Use it on any NPC you encounter. Then, use baleful utterance. Now even magic gear falls apart.

That should get any would-be troll started.

[Ted_Stryker]

Join the evil baron/count/duke's militia instead of the resistance movement.

[EvilJames]

11:
DM: "I have called you here," the man in black says, "to request a simple job..."

Wizard: Detect thoughts!
Paladin: Detect evil!
Psion: Read thoughts!

DM: #$!@#!!

Also, 12:
DM: "According to the legend, to find your way through the labyrinth you must collect the seven pieces of the map that were scattered..."

Druid: Find the Path!

DM: #$!@#!!

Related, 13:
"So, you are trapped in the house until the storm ends, and must somehow discover the identity of the killer before he..."

Wizard: I Detect Thoughts until I know who's guilty. Then I Hold Person them and Teleport them to the proper authorities.

DM: #$!@#!!
Ya know I've never really had a problem with casters I play 2nd ed so paladins are a rarity. But I've also never had the detect thoughts spell in any game I've run and I never allow find the path to work in magical labyrinths (or magic forests for that matter)

Most of the time my plots are very on the fly so it's harder for my players to cast dispel plot on me (I only new the identity of the BBEG the day before the game with the big reveal) That being said they do still get the dipell of occasionally one of the big ones was when they were High enough level and were trying to establish a base. the party opted to try and take over the base of some ogre magi they had discovered. They were going to attack the very next game so I spent all week designing the base and it's defenses. Figured out the strategy of the ogres and their hobgoblin allies. I was ready.
That weekend when the game began they changed their minds and went looking for an island to take over so. :smallfurious:

another one was my fault and is why I don't allow vorpal weapons. As a joke the party encountered some tinker gnomes and came into possession of one of their newest breeds of Giant Mutant Space Hamster. This one was a Miniature Giant Flying Carnivorous Vorpal Mutant Space Hamster. The MGFCVMSH became a pet to the ranger and gnomes let him keep it because it was more trouble than it was worse. Everyone had a good laugh and there were no problems for a good while. Eventually however they ran into a party of bugbears that had been a continuous foe for the PC's., and during the fight the hamster beheaded the bugbears leader.:smalleek:

[EvilJames]

OOPs double post:smalleek:

[shadowdemon_lord]

Play a wizard to high levels, then just as the campaign is drawing to a close, use the timestop/forcecage/incendiary cloud/acid fog/cloudkill combo to start randomly offing kings and monarchs. Be sure to teleport away with the bodies of these monarchs into your MMM, to make sure they don't get raised. Repeat this as needed so as to kill off entire royal families, then sit back and watch the chaos ensue as the kingsdoms fall into civil war/power struggles as various families struggle to become the inheritents to the throne.

[goat]

Play a hyper-optimised diplomancer.

[hylian chozo]

Hmm..but that could be used as a way for the Quest giver to avoid paying up.

Quest Giver: "Is he alive"?
PC: "No, he's a zombie"
QG: "Is he dead?"
PC: "No, he's undead."
QG: "Well, we only wanted him dead or alive. If he's neither, you get nothing. Sorry!"

that is why you rekill them right then and there. or offer the quest giver a zombie servant and if he still refuses, then order the zombie to attack. #91 also works in this situation, modified slightly: "we have already proven our willingness to animate corpses for money..."

[Mighty Fedora]

64. Invent short, incredibly mundane and contrived ryhmes for each of your spells ("When I wish to kill you all/I just send a FIREBALL!", and recite them whenever casting. Every now and again go off into a corner of the room and look through your rhymes. Tell the players you're preparing spells for the day. Insist they wait for you before continuing.

65. Play your alignment to the ABSOLUTE letter. Insist everyone else does so as well, or else declare their alignments have changed, and inist they follow their new aligments. Keep track of where everyone is. Make a chart. Present it often.

66. Flatly refuse to follow the dictates of your aligment. Use thin and/or flimsy excuses why Action A falls under Aligmnent A ("Of course it's a Good act! If I steal the Paladin's sword, he'll die sooner, and so I won't have to listen to him preach at me, thereby reducing my stress level making me a more effective combatant, meaning I'll kill more bad guys. Greater Good, right?").

67. Play a full Divine or Arcane caster. Overshadow everyone all the time. Do everything you want and take everything you like. Insist this is roleplaying.

68. Refuse to take Common as a language. Make your backstory include why. Say "Huh?" all the time when the DM tells you things.

69. Try to play Pun Pun. Complain when your DM says no. Call him a Communist. Loudly. Insist this is roleplaying.


That was amazing :biggrin:

[Jack_Simth]

Most of the in-game items listed don't work so hot on a DM that can improvise. Many of the rest will only work if you're the only one at the table (or everyone else is going with it) other than the DM. Many only work if the DM house-rules it in.

Reviving an NPC that was supposed to die? Resurrection magic doesn't work on the unwilling.

Set up a fruit stand, ignoring the plot hooks? Other players are unlikely to stand for it. Alternately "Okay, so your character retires from adventuring, and is now an NPC, as he's not going on adventures"

BBEG dead by stroke of luck? It's the way of things. If the plot needs it, no, he's just a lacky taking orders (or a simulacra, or secretly a lich and will be fine in a few days, or...).

Flying carnivourous monkeys? In order to breed them, you'll need some ad-hock DM set up. If you just cast Fly on a bunch of already carnivourus monkeys, it's not really a problem (short duration spell). Custom magic items are DM perogative, and so on.

Speak With Dead only tells you stuff the corpse knew when it was alive. It can be fooled (Disguise Self), or completely unknowing (never saw the killer).

Stabbing the mysterious old man in the face - especially in a pub - is a highly public murder. Plot hook # 2, coming right up: Town guards, with a sentance of "the artifact" - forces an irresistable, undispellable, Geas on the subject - but only works on murderers, and only gives quests chosen by the victim... Oh, look - you're going through the Forest of Pain to cross the Plains of Blood to reach the Mountain of Doom to grab the Snow of Melting so that you can feed it to the Expecting Lady so that she can once again speak, and let you know that she has no idea who the father actually was.

With a stubbern necromancer, finding where he lives, then killing all his minions, then asking him again if he needs a partner.... will end up being exactly what you told the townsfolk you'd be doing.

Insisting everything is a trap (and checking) just takes time. There's other people at the table to make you get on with it - and it won't de-rail much of anything.

Where do you get this legally-binding, magical paper? DM has to house-rule it in for it to exist.

...and so on.

I mean, really - as a DM, it'd be kind of amusing to watch someone seriously try these at my table. I'm not going to be thrown for more than a couple of blinks.

[Toric]

98) Play a rogue who searches out and picks anything resembling a lock he can find. Remove doors from their hinges, unstring bows, tear up floorboards, and do everything you can to separate any two joined, distinct surfaces. Always claim you heard of somebody finding a fortune in this way. (treasure chest under the floor, the door hinges were +1 crossbow bolts, the bow was hollowed out with diamond dust in it, etc)

[EndgamerAzari]

94)
Step 1: Play a Warlock. Chaotic Evil Warlock, obviously.

Step 2: Learn baleful utterance.

Step 3: Insist that the Dark Speech syllable used to activate the baleful utterance invocation is "Biaatch!!". Emphatically. You will yell this at the top of your lungs every time you use the invocation.

Step 4: Insist that your eldritch blast emanates from your urethra, and that it's your equivalent of urinating. Basically, you piss on everything in sight. Restate this everytime you augment it with vitriolic blast. Piss often, preferably at dangerous objects or on the PC's equipment.

Step 5: Whenever the DM mentions an object (such as "glass", "door", "small bridge", or "chair"), use baleful utterance. If it doesn't work, you say that your character proceeds to "piss on" the object in question.

Step 6: Whenever the DM presents a female NPC, you will ask if she is wearing clothes, and if she is, you will use baleful utterance on them. If this doesn't work (such as, say her clothes are now magical, as everything shall become very, very quickly), use a hideous blow. Tell the DM that was a "bitchslap."

Step 7: Learn voracious dispelling. Use it on any NPC you encounter. Then, use baleful utterance. Now even magic gear falls apart.

That should get any would-be troll started.


You are a wonderful and horrible person all at the same time. Truly magnificent. :smallbiggrin:

[MCerberus]

Ask for a skill check for every possible thing you can possibly imagine. Do things like claim that putting pants on requires a DC 1 balance check. Remember there is a time for bardic knowledge checks, and that time is "always".

When in doubt, use fire. This goes double if plot-essential items are involved. Insist this is roleplaying and your character is a pyromaniac.

Keep saying there's going to be a trap and that the magic items are all cursed to the rest of the party. Insist this is roleplaying and your character is extremely paranoid.

[Guy_Whozevl]

Always have Celerity prepared. Whenever there is a life-threatening situation, put up Celerity and Teleport/Time Stop/Buff. While doing this, undermine the usefulness of every other party member by being Batman.

Also, I have a friend who DMs and who is convinced that ToB is the most broken book ever created. Although I point out that it is Fighters/Paladins who are underpowered and Wizards/Druids/Sorcerers/Clerics are in Core and still broken, but he never listens. It's probably because of the Crusader infinite damage build he found out about.

[Doresain]

successfully one shot the cleric that is a good 6 levels higher than you through a slot in the reinforced door that gives him 9/10ths cover...simply because he was human...continue to do this with mind flayers, nagas, necromancers, and everything else you shouldnt be able to kill at your level

play a bard based on herman li from dragonforce

[SilverClawShift]

Join the evil baron/count/duke's militia instead of the resistance movement.

Gonna have to say, a DM who's on their toes will probably roll with it, and make you struggle against the rising heroes campainging to overthrow you.