DracoDei
2020-04-19, 12:23 AM
Link to thread with similar purpose, but EXCLUDING the subject of plagues. (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?612702-A-joke-thread)
Disclaimer: All of the following is completely untrue and is meant for humor value only. I wouldn’t bother mentioning this except that my aunt initially thought I was being serious when I told her the first of this pair of jokes on the phone, despite a less-explicit disclaimer on my part.
Core part of main joke:
So, there’s this new strain mutated off of COVID-19 that is showing up, and could prove even more deadly albeit in completely different ways. Sources disagree on if it is called COVID-20, or COVID-19B.
However all the experts agree that the symptoms are very much like drunkenness, but without the depressant effect, and with frequent bouts of tachypsychia*. Medical experts are cautiously predicting that this strain will not even require hospitalization in most cases. HOWEVER, they emphasize that this does NOT mean that this strain is not potentially lethal and may make the Shelter-in-Place directives even more crucial. Traffic fatalities due to impaired reflexes and accidental speeding due to distorted perception of speed based on the surroundings of the vehicle are predicted to exceed those from drunk driving this year.
*Short version: World seems to be in slow-motion.
Long versions: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_perception#Tachypsychia
And/or
https://psychology.wikia.org/wiki/Tachypsychia
Anyway, unlike the official designation, the colloquial name for this seems to be firmly established… we are now facing the Careener Virus.
Expanding on the main joke:
A snippet from an online news article I found.
New rules are being considered to allow police to treat this as equivalent to other forms of DUI. Concerns have been raised about this discouraging people from seeking medical analysis to determine if they actually have this new strain. Officer Phillip Friendly of the Bloomburg County Police Department had this to say:
“We obviously don’t want anyone to avoid necessary medical help. This strain can result in house-hold accidents, such as reaching out for a pot on a stove too quickly and with poor coordination. If you think you have this strain, we encourage you to glance at your speedometer on the way to seek diagnosis approximately every 3 seconds. Just a glance! Do not allow yourself to be distracted from the road! We are considering a limited release from the current restrictions to allow taxi-cabs to be called for those who are uncertain. We are looking into if standard, non-chemical, sobriety tests, such as walking a line, are reliable enough to use as a pre-screening measure for medical purposes. If so we may elect to have officers respond to non-emergency calls when they have time. Failing these options, our current plan is to have people call an ambulance or even a patrol car for a ride to their doctor or other appropriate medical facility. We should emphasize that the NON-emergency numbers should be used to arrange any call for diagnostic purposes, NOT 911. This applies both to transportation and on-site testing.”
In addition, FEMA is coordinating with local medical providers across the nation to determine if roving sample-takers would be advisable, or would simply be wasting the time of skilled professionals in driving between locations.
I find it an intellectual curiosity that the extreme nature of this mutation is not without precedent. Ironically enough it was another potentially serious disease that mutated: Swine Flu. You probably haven’t heard of this mutation since it was, at worst, literally just a “bad hair month” for human infectees, and the vast majority if them didn’t even notice! It was, however, devastating to many species of hedgehog and porcupine, leaving their natural defenses limp and useless. Most zoologic epidemiologists are quite familiar with the events of…
The Spine Flu.
Stand-alone riddles (I might further edit to improve even more at some point) :
1.) What two plagues were most feared among ghosts? (One in the Middle Ages, one in the 1990's in America.)
The BOO-bonic Plague, and Haunter-Virus (Bubonic Plague and Hantavirus)
2.) What is a magic medication that doesn’t prevent coughing unless it is nearly continuous (Whooping Cough?), but makes the timing of the coughs less predictable, and thus less clustered into chains of coughs called? (Part of magic is that it does not reduce the productivity of the cough (phlegm etc.).)
An Un-expected-orant (Expectorant: a medication that helps coughing be more effective for clearing the lungs.)
For more Roleplay-specific humor, see this monster I made up for this crisis:
Dungeons and Dragons 3.x/Pathfinder version (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?609816-(Pathfinder-also-given-a-nod)-Let-us-laugh-at-our-fears!-Monster-(P-E-A-C-H-))
Dungeons and Dragons 5e version (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?610507-Let-us-laugh-together-at-our-fears!-Monster)
Disclaimer: All of the following is completely untrue and is meant for humor value only. I wouldn’t bother mentioning this except that my aunt initially thought I was being serious when I told her the first of this pair of jokes on the phone, despite a less-explicit disclaimer on my part.
Core part of main joke:
So, there’s this new strain mutated off of COVID-19 that is showing up, and could prove even more deadly albeit in completely different ways. Sources disagree on if it is called COVID-20, or COVID-19B.
However all the experts agree that the symptoms are very much like drunkenness, but without the depressant effect, and with frequent bouts of tachypsychia*. Medical experts are cautiously predicting that this strain will not even require hospitalization in most cases. HOWEVER, they emphasize that this does NOT mean that this strain is not potentially lethal and may make the Shelter-in-Place directives even more crucial. Traffic fatalities due to impaired reflexes and accidental speeding due to distorted perception of speed based on the surroundings of the vehicle are predicted to exceed those from drunk driving this year.
*Short version: World seems to be in slow-motion.
Long versions: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_perception#Tachypsychia
And/or
https://psychology.wikia.org/wiki/Tachypsychia
Anyway, unlike the official designation, the colloquial name for this seems to be firmly established… we are now facing the Careener Virus.
Expanding on the main joke:
A snippet from an online news article I found.
New rules are being considered to allow police to treat this as equivalent to other forms of DUI. Concerns have been raised about this discouraging people from seeking medical analysis to determine if they actually have this new strain. Officer Phillip Friendly of the Bloomburg County Police Department had this to say:
“We obviously don’t want anyone to avoid necessary medical help. This strain can result in house-hold accidents, such as reaching out for a pot on a stove too quickly and with poor coordination. If you think you have this strain, we encourage you to glance at your speedometer on the way to seek diagnosis approximately every 3 seconds. Just a glance! Do not allow yourself to be distracted from the road! We are considering a limited release from the current restrictions to allow taxi-cabs to be called for those who are uncertain. We are looking into if standard, non-chemical, sobriety tests, such as walking a line, are reliable enough to use as a pre-screening measure for medical purposes. If so we may elect to have officers respond to non-emergency calls when they have time. Failing these options, our current plan is to have people call an ambulance or even a patrol car for a ride to their doctor or other appropriate medical facility. We should emphasize that the NON-emergency numbers should be used to arrange any call for diagnostic purposes, NOT 911. This applies both to transportation and on-site testing.”
In addition, FEMA is coordinating with local medical providers across the nation to determine if roving sample-takers would be advisable, or would simply be wasting the time of skilled professionals in driving between locations.
I find it an intellectual curiosity that the extreme nature of this mutation is not without precedent. Ironically enough it was another potentially serious disease that mutated: Swine Flu. You probably haven’t heard of this mutation since it was, at worst, literally just a “bad hair month” for human infectees, and the vast majority if them didn’t even notice! It was, however, devastating to many species of hedgehog and porcupine, leaving their natural defenses limp and useless. Most zoologic epidemiologists are quite familiar with the events of…
The Spine Flu.
Stand-alone riddles (I might further edit to improve even more at some point) :
1.) What two plagues were most feared among ghosts? (One in the Middle Ages, one in the 1990's in America.)
The BOO-bonic Plague, and Haunter-Virus (Bubonic Plague and Hantavirus)
2.) What is a magic medication that doesn’t prevent coughing unless it is nearly continuous (Whooping Cough?), but makes the timing of the coughs less predictable, and thus less clustered into chains of coughs called? (Part of magic is that it does not reduce the productivity of the cough (phlegm etc.).)
An Un-expected-orant (Expectorant: a medication that helps coughing be more effective for clearing the lungs.)
For more Roleplay-specific humor, see this monster I made up for this crisis:
Dungeons and Dragons 3.x/Pathfinder version (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?609816-(Pathfinder-also-given-a-nod)-Let-us-laugh-at-our-fears!-Monster-(P-E-A-C-H-))
Dungeons and Dragons 5e version (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?610507-Let-us-laugh-together-at-our-fears!-Monster)