A joke thread

[el minster]

In these pressing times I think we need a joke thread to lighten the mood.
*scrubbed*
so I'll start this off:

3 middle-aged men are chatting about what they want to be said about them at their funeral. The first one says "he was a good man who always treated people well".
The second one says "he gave thousands of dollars to charity".
The last one says "at my funeral I want people to say 'Wait he's still moving!'".

[Sermil]

I have a joke about UDP, but you might not get it!

I also have a joke about TCP. If you don't get it, I'll just repeat it!

[Edreyn]

In a tribe of cannibals, one man asks his friend: "What do you like the most in your wife"?
"Eyes", he replies. "Really? And I left you a leg".

[el minster]

Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night,
light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

[The Fury]

It's a pretty nice idea to have a dedicated joke thread. Although, I'm gonna sit on some of my material. My posts in Random Banter sometimes get a little gloomy, so I feel like I need to drop a few jokes in there.


In a tribe of cannibals, one man asks his friend: "What do you like the most in your wife"?
"Eyes", he replies. "Really? And I left you a leg".

Cannibals, you gotta stay positive. Are you a cannibal or a can't-ibal?

[farothel]

After I drink coffee I like to show the empty mug to the IT guy to tell him that I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I don't say it's hot in my room, but two hobbits just came around and threw a ring in it.

*on a printer at work*: this printer is now called Bob Marley because it's Always 'jammin'.

[Scarlet Knight]

*on a printer at work*: this printer is now called Bob Marley because it's Always 'jammin'.

Oh, BRAV-o, sir. :smallbiggrin:

[Edreyn]

There are two paladins on patrol. So, they walk around and then suddenly notice a red dragon flying towards them. And the dragon is HUGE! So they stand and watch, and the monster is coming closer... and closer... and closer... And they watch, and he is closer... and closer... and closer... And then one of paladins says: "Hey man, let's just go".

[Kobold_paladin?]

two scientists walk into bar.
"i'll have some h2o" says one.
"i'll have some h2o too" says the other one.
the second one died.

:smallamused: see if you can get it.

[el minster]

two scientists walk into bar.
"i'll have some h2o" says one.
"i'll have some h2o too" says the other one.
the second one died.

:smallamused: see if you can get it.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke"?

H2O2

[Sermil]

A priest, a minister, and a rabb walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke"?


A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke."

[Peelee]

two scientists walk into bar.
"i'll have some h2o" says one.
"i'll have some h2o too" says the other one.
the second one died.
:smallamused: see if you can get it.
A set of functions have a party. Almost everyone is having a good time - x2, sin(x), cos(x) even sec(x) are having fun mingling and dancing with each other. f(x) notices ex sitting alone in the corner, walks up, and says, "would you like help integrating with the rest of us?" ex replies "nah, it wouldn't change anything."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third order a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender is fed up at this point and yells out, "even I have got my limits!" and pours two beers.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do you all want a beer?" The first one responds "I'm not sure." The second says, "I'm not sure." The third one says, "yes."

[Edreyn]

What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

If a black cat crossed you, then moments later turned back and crossed you again, did he un-damned you, or double-damned you?
Depends if the cat is vector or scalar.

[Manga Shoggoth]

*on a printer at work*: this printer is now called Bob Marley because it's Always 'jammin'.

The favourite from my early days at work: "Some day my prince will come"

[farothel]

My doctor wrote the names of the pills I needed to take. I couldn't read one of them.
A pharmacist told me it said 'retinol'.
A week later I was talking to my doctor.
-great, but why did t you take retinol?
-you prescribed it. Here.
-Oh, I was just trying to get my pen working.

[Mavezius]

My doctor wrote the names of the pills I needed to take. I couldn't read one of them.
A pharmacist told me it said 'retinol'.
A week later I was talking to my doctor.
-great, but why did t you take retinol?
-you prescribed it. Here.
-Oh, I was just trying to get my pen working.

it's very funny:tongue:

[Edreyn]

Not exactly a joke, rather my own idea. Don't how if others will like it.

So, there is a saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
So I wondered, why there is no saying "Intelligence is in the tentacles of an Illithid".

[Lvl 2 Expert]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician stop at a hotel on their way to a scientific congress. They get a room each, and go to sleep. In the middle of the night, a fire breaks out. The engineer is woken up by the sound of flickering flames, and sees the fire. He panicks for a few moments, but then he sees the water tap and the bucket in the corner of his room. So he runs over, fills the bucket, throws it on the fire and the flames go out. The engineer goes back to sleep. A few rooms down the physicist wakes up from the sound of the wooden wall panels starting to crumble. The physycist keeps a cool head though. She sees the bucket and the water tap, and springs into action. After carefully calculating the amount of water needed she puts the fire out with incredible precision, causing exactly zero water damage. And it only took her half an hour. So she goes back to sleep. At the end of the hall the mathematician wakes up from the smell of the bed starting to char. He sits up, looks at the fire, and turns to the corner, where he sees the tap and the bucket. "Ah," the mathematician exclaims, "there is a solution!" So he goes back to bed.


A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench overlooking the front entrance of a building. They see one person enter the building, and a little later they see two people leave. "That was weird," says the physicist, "must have been some sort of measurement error." "I don't think so," says the biologist, "we must have witnessed some form of reproduction." The mathematician shakes their head and says: "You're both wrong, the obvious explanation is that there are now minus one people in the building."

[Peelee]

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench overlooking the front entrance of a building. They see one person enter the building, and a little later they see two people leave. "That was weird," says the physicist, "must have been some sort of measurement error." "I don't think so," says the biologist, "we must have witnessed some form of reproduction." The mathematician shakes their head and says: "You're both wrong, the obvious explanation is that there are now minus one people in the building."

Mathematician says, "if one more person enters the building, it will be empty!"

[Lvl 2 Expert]

Mathematician says, "if one more person enters the building, it will be empty!"

Yeah, that's a better punchline.



Everybody pretend I was that clever.

[InvisibleBison]

Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop.
"No," says Heisenberg, "But I know where I am."

Erwin Schrodinger gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
"Did you know there's a dead cat in the back of your car?" asks the cop.
"I do now!" exclaims Schrodinger.

[Peelee]

Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop.
"No," says Heisenberg, "But I know where I am."

The cop walks up to the window and says, "did you know you were going 80 miles per hour?"
"Dammit," yelled Heisenberg, "now I'm lost!"

ETA: I promise I'm not trying to one-up anyone, these are just alternate versions I've heard.

[farothel]

Meetings: an event where the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

[InvisibleBison]

The cop walks up to the window and says, "did you know you were going 80 miles per hour?"
"Dammit," yelled Heisenberg, "now I'm lost!"

ETA: I promise I'm not trying to one-up anyone, these are just alternate versions I've heard.

I don't particularly mind being one-upped by someone with a better joke than me.

[el minster]

A man jumps off a hundred floor building. Another man sticks his head out the window on the fiftieth floor and just manages to here him say as he passes by "So far, so good".

[N7Paladin]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke." comedy gold!!!!👏👏👏


Shamelessly stolen:

I bought shoes from a drug dealer last week.
I don't know laced them with but I was tripping all day!



What do began zombies eat?
Graaaaaaiiiiinss


What's the hardest part about skydiving?
The ground

[BisectedBrioche]

Many trans girl gamers have been limited in their ability to play AAA games by the abundance of...micro trans actions!

[DracoDei]

Cross linking* to jokes slight to great relation to the situation this thread is meant to also provide relief for. (https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?610654-Puns-about-plagues-to-lighten-moods-(Probably-my-1st-post-in-this-section-))

*Meaning I am going to provide a reciprocal link.

[ben-zayb]

I'd tell you an original bread joke, but this one's Stollen.

I'd tell you a nerve damage joke. It's quite insensitive, though.

I'd tell you a Peter Pan joke, but I worry it'll never land.

I'd tell you a different Peter Pan joke instead. This one never gets old.

I'd tell you another "I'd tell you... but" joke about my horse, but I've already beaten it to death.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who expected 10 to be in decimal, those who expected a binary joke that ends here, those who expected a base-3 joke that ends here, those who expected a...

[JeminiZero]

The son of a rich man had gone to a college overseas. After the first day at school, he wrote a letter back to his dad.

"Dear father. College is great. Everyone around me is friendly. Just one thing though, everyone else, teachers and students alike, comes to school by train. I feel embarrassed arriving in a chauffeur driven gold plated Ferrari. Love, your son."

The next day he received a reply, "Dear son. I have transferred $20 million to your bank account. Please stop embarrassing the family. Go and buy yourself a train as well."

[BisectedBrioche]

Time to make some sourdough, as a woman of culture.

I had enough yeast in the starter to make it rise, but I had no proof.

I'd have started again, but I had to go back to work because I knead the dough.

[Lvl 2 Expert]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke."

But did they have carrot cake?

[farothel]

A redshirt and a stormtrooper get into a firefight.
The stormtrooper misses every shot.
The redshirt dies anyway.

[understatement]

I'll drop one off from my friend:

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has a problem. The bartender reaches into a drawer and points a gun at the man. The man thanks him and walks away.

The man had hiccups.

[Edreyn]

Since me and my wife are now watching "Vikings", remembered this one.

Vikings ship is in the middle of the sea. Suddenly, a huge one-eyed bearded face appears in the sky.

"Vikings!", the face yells.

"Yes, Odin", vikings reply.

"Do you love me, vikings?"

"We do, Odin!"

"Do you believe in me, vikings?"

"We do, Odin!"

"Jump overboard!"

So, they all jump overboard and drown. A moment later, another same face appears, right near the first one.

"Loki, you bastard!"

[DracoDei]

So if K/CO-Bolds are stereotypically only brave in large groups, does that mean that the race created to lead them is called the Main-Bold and is only brave when those nearby will be inspired to bravery themselves by it?

Guy walks into a bar. Now, he is new in town, and while he's had some of the more memorable people pointed out to him by a local, he hasn't been out much since then.

In the corner he sees a frog, a person born with brain-damage who derives great schadenfreud at his father's "Rent a Rod" booth on the pier putting new worms on hooks for those too squeamish to do it themselves, and someone who works at the Returns desk at the local Walmart. This trio are having a great time, laughing and sharing their joys and sorrows. Obviously the very best of friends.

So the guy walks up to the bartender and says "So, tell me, how did such disparate individuals become such great friends?"

The bartender replies "Why they bonded over their shared love of..."
Re-baiting.

(ribbiting, rebating)

[farothel]

A Voldemort knock-knock joke:

-Knock knock
-who's there?
-You know.
-You know who?
-Exactly.

[Edreyn]

A woman comes to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor", she says, "something is wrong with my husband. Every time after he finishes with coffee, he eats the mug".

Doctor stares at her with a worried look.

"What, really the whole mug?", he asks.

"Actually no. He always leaves the handle".

"This is really strange. Handle is the most tasty part!"

[Kobold_paladin?]

Not exactly a joke, rather my own idea. Don't how if others will like it.

So, there is a saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
So I wondered, why there is no saying "Intelligence is in the tentacles of an Illithid".

dexterity is in the hand of the kobold

[Starlit Dragon]

A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.

First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

[Wizard_Lizard]

I keep asking people what LGBT stands for
haven't got a straight answer yet.

[Bartmanhomer]

Why did the zombie cross the road?

To get to the other side to eat human brains. :biggrin:

[Lacco]

A rich top-manager drives his sports car through a rough neighborhood when he notices a drunkard sitting on a curb.

The drunk guy holds an old-fashioned oriental lamp and rubs it. A genie appears, they exchange few words and *poof* - a bottle of beer appears. The manager stops and observes.

When the bottle is empty, the process repeats - drunk guy summons a genie, they exchange few words and he gets another beer.

The manager decides to make his move.

- Hey you. I'll buy the lamp.
- Nope. Not interested.
- I'll give you a thousand dollars.
- Nope. Not interested.
- I'll give you my car.
- Nope.
- I'll give you my car, all my money from all my accounts and my house!
...
- Okay.

The manager quickly transfers all his money, gives the guy his keys and calls his notary to arrange everything. The drunk guy just holds the lamp, waiting.

After all is transferred and set, the guy hands him the lamp and leaves, rich.

The top manager, excited, immediately rubs the lamp. A genie appears, bowing to him.
- Oh, master. Please choose...

The manager interrupts him.
- Okay, genie! My first wish is to have 10 trillion dollars in my account!

The genie bows again, this time lower.
- Apologies, master. I am actually very narrowly specialized genie - not one of those "three wishes, anything goes" types. You actually have unlimited number of wishes - so please choose what you wish for: a bottle of Heineken, Guiness or Pilsner?

[Bartmanhomer]

What do you call when a stingray is down on the dumps?

Blue-Ray. :biggrin:

[Darth V]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke."


You have to tell that joke right, i heard a different version:

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. "Wait," says the rabbit, "I think I'm a Type-O"




If a black cat crossed you, then moments later turned back and crossed you again, did he un-damned you, or double-damned you?


Neither, that's just a glitch in the Matrix.

[Asmotherion]

What's the difference between a sausepan and a dumpster?

You don't know? Please don't cook me dinner!!!

How did 60 chicken cross the street?

In the KFC truck.

Where's the cat?

I don't know, did you look inside the box?" -Schrodinger

How do you call a frog who lives in seclusion?

hermit the frog

What's the Lion's slag term for Antelopes?

Fast Food

How does the playboy from last night call you?

He Doesn't

How does a cannibal call his wife?

Sweet Heart

What's the difference between boy friend and boyfriend?

The space between them

What do you call a vegan pizza?

Bread

What do you call a Vegan Dog?

Dead

What do you call Vegan Cheese?

Dread

Disclaimer: If you're Vegan please don't get offended, it was meant as a joke.

I know some more "mature" ones, but I'm not sure if I should post them here or not. If an admin/mod would advise me on weather it's ok or not to post them, I'd be grateful.

[Khedrac]

I know some more "mature" ones, but I'm not sure if I should post them here or not. If an admin/mod would advise me on weather it's ok or not to post them, I'd be grateful.
I am not an admin, but the general advice here is "if you are not sure it is OK to post, then don't post it" so you started well.
More specifically, looking at the Rules of Posting (https://forums.giantitp.com/announcement.php?f=62&a=1) (linked at the top of every forum): "Excessive profanity" is listed as "please don't" and "Explicit sexuality" is listed a an "Inappropriate Topic".
Given that so-called "mature" humor usually involves one of those two, I would recommend not posting them.

That said, I did like some of your jokes, especially the secluded frog!

[Edreyn]

This joke is harmless. I think I once posted it.

A hunter walks in the woods and suddenly falls into a bear den. He screams, then notices there is a only a little bear cub inside. He stares at cub, the cub stares at him and both are terrified.

"Is mother at home?", the hunter asks.

"No", the poor cub replies shaking.

"And father?"

"No!", shaking even more.

Hunter finally calms down. He points rifle at cub and says:

"Then die foul beast!"

"Granny!"

[farothel]

I wish I was a vulcano. You can lie on your back the whole day smoking and people will point at you saying: look, he's working.

[Lacco]

Saleslady: "Oh, these pants fit you so well, you look very handsome."
Customer: "I dunno. They are kinda tight around the armpits."

[Wrandm]

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub, but it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

[BisectedBrioche]

What do you call a raven that plays games?

A caw gamer!

[Edreyn]

Schwarzenegger has a long one. Bush a short one. Madonna doesn't have any at all, and the Pope stopped using it ages ago. What I am talking about?


Last name!

[farothel]

What if soy milk is just regular milk, indroducting itself in spanish?

what's your best childhood memory. Falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed. I miss teleporting, it never happens to me anymore.

never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.

[Peelee]

never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.

Yeah, normally they have to pay for that privelege, I'm not about to start letting them see me for free.

[clingydreamers]

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke." : D

[farothel]

Here are the scifi football results. R two - D two, C three - P nill.

[Calthropstu]

In, In, In, In, In, In, In, In, In, In

Don't mind me, I am practicing my enchanting.

... did ten ins pun?

[BisectedBrioche]

Q. What's the difference between Shadowrun and Disney?
A. One's what happens when capitalism gone mad gets ahold of magic...and the other's a cyberpunk tabletop RPG.