How do you make friends as an adult?

[INoKnowNames]

The Apocalypse happening isn't helpful to this situation. It's gotta be even more difficult to meet up with people and do stuff when most of us are quarantined and unable to meet up in ways that would help each other....

I just got out of a 15 year old friendship that, right up until the last couple of years, had been done of the most important things in my life, only to itself become toxic enough to have been a loadstone to my mental health. I know I'm definitely going to need to take some time for all of those associated feelings to fully bleed out as it is...

Regardless, I suddenly find myself without a Best Friend. I do have a support network: a few groups of friends on Discord whom I try to game with online and otherwise joke with when I can; I'm certainly looking forward to being able to let my psyche intermingle with others here in the PBP section on here; there's gatherings I'd like to get back into once the quarantine ends involving my favorite past-time (Super Smash Bros Ultimate); and a small handful of real life friends who were good to me, one of them being a SSBU player and the other being a coworker, both having moved away but still being really cool. To say nothing, of course, of family, the job, or therapy to help with day to day things and other types of situations.

But it's different from not having a person that you can unquestionably call your best friend. Someone that you can talk to about 100% anything, and you know you're going to enjoy the talk. Being able to trust them with stuff you might not even be tempted to trust your family or your psychologist with at first instinct, and holding secrets from them to the grave. Being able to ask them their opinion, and having so much faith in them that you're fine whether or not they disagree with you on something or not; sometimes hearing them disagree with you shakes your perception more than anyone and everyone else doing so. The kind of person who you wouldn't mind calling you in the middle of your sleep, just because you know that if they're bugging you at that time, it's important enough to answer. Someone who always has your back through thick and thin, no matter what, and vice versa. The kind of person you'd want in a position of honor at your wedding (depending on gender and willingness to be with you up in front of everyone else, of course).

I know I'm (relatively) young and inexperienced, and frankly, still dealing with my current baggage, so my perception's beyond shoddy at the time. But I wonder, once you get to being in your 30s and 40s and beyond, how people form bonds that tight. Whether or not I'm naive to hope for such a thing to happen, or cynical to doubt it...

So, Older People, got any stories or advice on making genuine true best friends once you're past even your College age years?

[Keltest]

Speaking as somebody who has been in this position... you just do it. Don't overthink it. I know this seems unhelpful at first glance, but social interaction is a lot like lifting something really heavy: it can be hard to do, but it isn't especially complicated either. The quarantine is likely to impede you here, but it really is just as simple as going out to a place where people gather and start talking to them. Ideally this is done in a place like a comic store, or at work or something else where you know you have at least a few things in common with the people there and that youre both likely to return to. In your case, Smash Bros tournaments or gatherings seems like a good place to start. Learn who some of the regulars are, strike up a conversation, and see how you get along. Ultimately, the hardest part is forcing yourself to make the initial contact. People don't become aliens once they get older, so this principle should remain the same no matter your age group.

[The Fury]

I don't know how helpful I can really be, but I do know that it's painful to have friendships end. I can still make friends, I'm not sure why. I think because I come off as non-threatening and approachable?

Funnily enough, I don't think I ever had very close bonds until I was in my 30s.

Have you tried getting to know the people in your support network a bit better? Some of them might turn out to be really good friends too.

[Scarlet Knight]

I don't know about "true best friends" but I was older when I joined my church choir. You get to know about 20 people and soon can tell whose personalities you like and who you don't. I then talk to the people I like, found common intertests and soon we were attending concerts at the local winery. I suspect it's the same with any hobby you enjoy whether it's a book club, helping at an animal shelter, or a summer job at the Ren Faire.

[bestspinner]

Im quiet, introvert and dont have any friends. Maybe i will be alone forever.

[The Fury]

Im quiet, introvert and dont have any friends. Maybe i will be alone forever.

I don't think so. Unless you'd prefer to be alone, (if you do prefer, no judgement or anything.) I do know that meeting people can be hard especially if you find it difficult to initiate interaction. This has been true for me anyway.

Is there an activity you like that you can do with other people? Art? Writing? Board games? Sometimes there's groups around stuff like this and a lot of times they'll allow new people to join.

[Scarlet Knight]

Im quiet, introvert and dont have any friends. Maybe i will be alone forever.

It's ok if that's what makes you happy. If not, I know a guy at the top of this thread looking for a friend...

[tomandtish]

Some good advice above. But most importantly, don't go into this TRYING to find a best friend. That will probably result in disaster. A best friend is something you have to let develop organically.

Case in point, while I don;t think in terms of "best" friend, I have three people (not counting my wife) who fulfill all your requirements and several more who meet at least three of them. None of those started out with either of us specifically trying to be close friends. It just happens. (Incidentally, of the three I met two in college and one about 15 years ago at work).

[Thrawn4]

I understand that it seems more difficult: You are no longer surrounded by people of the same age, which makes it harder at first glance.
But the basics are still the same: Find people you like to hang out with, most likely due to common interests.
There is the prejudice that "adults" are set in their tracks, and I suppose that is true to some degree. But life is much more unpredictable than you think, and many could do with one (more) reliable friend. Relationships change even if you are older, which can be an advantage if you embrace opportunity.

[hustlertwo]

It’s tough, no question. Work friendships rarely expand beyond that sphere, and approaching someone can be a stressful situation for those not well-verses in such things.

Myself, I had three good friends growing up. One moved to another state for work, one lives an hour away and refuses to own a car, and the third I at least see a couple times a year, but that’s it. Having a wife and family is terrific, and admittedly my wife and my father are both my friends in most regards, but it makes putting in time to establish a new friendship prohibitive. So, you just kinda don’t.

[Zarrgon]

Well, if you just meet people, it should flow naturally. I've had it happen lots of times and I'm past "collage age".

The really trick is to just meet people: meet as many as you can. And you will "click" with at least a couple of them.

For example: I met Lisa through a friend of a friend of a friend, and she has a big dog (Box). She was just a person I did not know much...until the day her job needed her to travel and she needed a quick dog sitter. She remembered that I got along great with Box, so she called me. She'd head off on her business trip at the start of the week, and then come home. This quickly became a normal thing. And when she came home, we'd hang out for a bit. It turned out we had a lot in common and we bonded over all that...and Box. Soon enough we were friends and then best friends, and still are today. But that friendship came out of nowhere.

[el minster]

People already said this, but one does not try to find a friend one lets themseves find a friend.

[raja]

Unfortunately I have low EQ and I cannot find friend in real life but not in social networks I usually find friends in facebook!