Most impractical intruments for a bard to choose proficiency in.

[Zhentarim]

Off the top of my head, I think grand piano and pipe organ would be the most impractical proficiencies to have. A grand piano weighs 500 pounds (minimum) and a pipe organ is the size of a building. At the same time, though, I kind of want to take an unusual large instrument as my 3rd proficiency.

[Amdy_vill]

Off the top of my head, I think grand piano and pipe organ would be the most impractical proficiencies to have. A grand piano weighs 500 pounds (minimum) and a pipe organ is the size of a building. At the same time, though, I kind of want to take an unusual large instrument as my 3rd proficiency.

I played with a guy who made that choice. never got any loot. he was always replacing his piano after it broke. note it was completely his fault his piano broke. Let's just tie the piano to the cart with rope and drag it behind us while I play. Let's take the piano up the side of a mountain without any climbing gear or roads. it got so bad, and he refused to get another instrument that we just let him die. we sat back and watched as he was eaten alive by wolves that he could have stopped if he wasn't an idiot who only carried a piano into the mountains. not even a weapon, just a piano. he would give loot other instrument loot to the rest of the party because it wasn't a piano and then go pay for a normal piano.

and it wasn't like a new player, he was doing this because he thought it would be a fun limitation. all it did was prevent him from contributing anything to the game and made use spend half our gold on replacing the piano every other game.

this is why I have banned pianos from my games. they don't exist in my world. never invented. pick something else.

[rel]

one man band
drum kit
alphorn
church bells complete with tower
comically oversized gong

[Naanomi]

Gnomish Theramin (keeping all those hamsters running on the power wheel is hard while adventuring)

[TaiLiu]

this is why I have banned pianos from my games. they don't exist in my world. never invented. pick something else.
This was a journey from start to finish, but this final paragraph is what really makes it. 😂

[Xetheral]

Off the top of my head, I think grand piano and pipe organ would be the most impractical proficiencies to have. A grand piano weighs 500 pounds (minimum) and a pipe organ is the size of a building. At the same time, though, I kind of want to take an unusual large instrument as my 3rd proficiency.

These aren't all logistically impractical, but each of these has some problems...

Didgeridoo Subcontrabass Flute Air Drums Zeusaphone Dog Whistle Pedal Harp Slide Whistle Waa Waa Stick Yaybahar
Classical Marimba Vogon Poetry Appreciation Chair Thermoacoustic Stirling Engine Fog Horn Train Whistle Pyrophone Organ

Conversely, the most practical instrument is undoubtedly the Kazoo....

[micahaphone]

oh man it's hard to beat a hamster powered theremin, but what about a twist: a conductor, the instrument is only their baton. However they refuse to work with anything less than a full orchestra.

[TeChameleon]

The only instrument I can think of that might compete with the pipe organ for impracticality would be the larger variants of the carillon (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carillon), considering that the individual bells can be up to 10 metric tonnes (a bit over 22,000 lbs. for the heathen Americans among us :smalltongue:). Granted, they make up for it by having an effective hearing range of around four or five km (2-3 miles), so you could lay out one heck of a bardic buff with that...

... and that gives me an idea of cities hiring bards to play their bell towers to buff defenders all around the city walls during a siege... :smallconfused:

[nickl_2000]

The Theremin is up there, but that's only because it is hard to power something that requires electricity.

The bagpipes aren't the most practical due to the amount of noise they make. If you were to play bagpipes in a dungeon, pretty much the entire dungeon will know you are there instantly. My paladin may have done this a few times as a threat to someone to get his way.

[cutlery]

Taiko Drum
Timpani/Kettledrum
Didgeridoo
Marimba
Harpsichord
Double Bass
Contrabassoon / Supercontrabassoon


Oh, and:

Theremin
Keytar

[follacchioso]

Yes I also played a character proficient in Piano and Harpsichord. He was a orc bard, strong enough to carry the piano on his shoulders, and use it as Improved Weapon using Tavern Brawler. He was a great artist, as great artists use great instruments.

[Aett_Thorn]

The only instrument I can think of that might compete with the pipe organ for impracticality would be the larger variants of the carillon (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carillon), considering that the individual bells can be up to 10 metric tonnes (a bit over 22,000 lbs. for the heathen Americans among us :smalltongue:). Granted, they make up for it by having an effective hearing range of around four or five km (2-3 miles), so you could lay out one heck of a bardic buff with that...

... and that gives me an idea of cities hiring bards to play their bell towers to buff defenders all around the city walls during a siege... :smallconfused:

You know, I've always wondered why in fantasy movie siege scenes the catapults and trebuchets always seem to go after the bell towers first. Now it all makes sense. Thank you.

[AttilatheYeon]

Banging 2 rocs against each other. 😉

[Chronos]

No alphorns yet?

[nickl_2000]

There is also the Muppaphone

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/muppet/images/d/d8/Marvin_Suggs_%26_His_Muppaphone.JPG/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/519?cb=20060101181228

[Martin Greywolf]

Bagpipes require you to use both hands (no gestures or weapons), mouth (no verbal communication or spells) and elbows (no running). That's as bad as you can probably get barring one man bands.

Alternatively, double bass. The thing is so huge it probably grants cover.

[Lo'Tek]

The pyrophone is similar to an organ, but instead of using pedals to release pressure from a reservoir you create air-pressure by setting stuff on fire.

But my favorite is the musical art installation - like the "singing ringing tree", "aeolian harp", "wind chime" or "zadar sea organ" - these things aren't actually played, the art and proficiency is to build them and make them sound good enough to not get lynched by people living close to them. One could imagine a more complex example with chimes and flutes and sails that move stuff around, wind-wheels create motion for string or percussion instrument parts. There could even be a version that is somewhat related to sailboat-rigging where the bard "plays it" by climbing around the installation changing the way it works on the fly ... but the key proficiency of "musical art installation" takes weeks, costs a fortune and the result is completely immobile: sure you can destroy one and reuse parts, but you can't move them. Note that playing a musical art installation on the back of a wagon that requires a bard to make music counts as a one-man-band, which is a different skill.

[Amechra]

The hang (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk3BvNLeNgw&ab_channel=HangMassive) - it doesn't look like it, but it's an incredibly delicate instrument that stops playing properly if you so much as dent it.

And then we get to the even less likely instruments!

The flexatone (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhshEr2aKzg&ab_channel=DanMoi), if you want your party to strangle you. The daxophone (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8dG8adbOXQ&ab_channel=2t22tornadosiren) produces some fascinating sounds, but you need contact microphones (kinda like how the amplified cactus (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRn3h_AWq68&ab_channel=Aur%C3%A9lHoll%C3%B3) works.Yes, there are pieces written with "amplified cactus" as one of their instruments).

But there's one instrument that has all of those beat: the singing tesla coil (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9ePilqnsLs&ab_channel=mkyagi).

[follacchioso]

The hang (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk3BvNLeNgw&ab_channel=HangMassive) - it doesn't look like it, but it's an incredibly delicate instrument that stops playing properly if you so much as dent it.
.That's where the Mending cantrip comes into play.

Thank you for all the videos, by the way!

[Lo'Tek]

You know, I've always wondered why in fantasy movie siege scenes the catapults and trebuchets always seem to go after the bell towers first. Now it all makes sense. Thank you.

There is a lot more to it: a siege takes many days, even weeks and the besieging army will often hope to surprise and catch the defending forces unprepared. So how do you quickly tell everyone in the city to immediately get ready to defend? Correct with our gnomish manual operated, one hundred percent badger free, hand crank operated alarm siren:
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41z-GnMofLL.jpgBuy two for 126 gold and save 10% - no bardic proficiency needed. First 10 customers get a free whistle.

[AttilatheYeon]

There is a lot more to it: a siege takes many days, even weeks and the besieging army will often hope to surprise and catch the defending forces unprepared. So how do you quickly tell everyone in the city to immediately get ready to defend? Correct with our gnomish manual operated, one hundred percent badger free, hand crank operated alarm siren:
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41z-GnMofLL.jpgBuy two for 126 gold and save 10% - no bardic proficiency needed. First 10 customers get a free whistle.

Not a free badger?

[Aett_Thorn]

I mean, if we're going for the largest possible instrument we can have, let's try the Great Stalactite Organ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm1_aCjrC5o) on for size. No adventuring for you while playing that thing!

[Willie the Duck]

No alphorns yet?
Right up there in post #3:

one man band
drum kit
alphorn
church bells complete with tower
comically oversized gong


There is also the Muppaphone

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/muppet/images/d/d8/Marvin_Suggs_%26_His_Muppaphone.JPG/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/519?cb=20060101181228
Or for that matter, Ken Ewing's Musical Mice (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENRzf7gPxj4).

[rel]

Conversely, the most practical instrument is undoubtedly the Kazoo....

Nah, ghungroo bells or (if your GM permits it) an air guitar have the Kazoo beat.

[mormon_soldier]

A cannon.
https://youtu.be/bZ9-PFes3mM

[Caelic]

The pigano.

No, really; it's a thing.

Also, the sackbut--not because it's a particularly impractical instrument, but because the minute people here you say "I play the sackbut," the giggles will begin.

[ftafp]

A cannon.
https://youtu.be/bZ9-PFes3mM

the cannon can be a practical instrument for a bard with 6th level spell slots. particularly if they have a spell that will let them summon minions to fire it

[Lo'Tek]

The 18th century Ocular Harpsichord of Louis-Bertrand Castel

(related: contemporary programmable stage lighting controls, Asimovs Visi-Sonor, Futuramas Holophonor)

now this particular instrument of legend existed only in theory in the early 18th century, because the mechanical technology of the time could not actually produce one. But it is an interesting instrument: Louis-Bertrand Castel believed in a color harmony matching the harmony of sound and that an instrument that created colors instead of sound would create "visual music" that could be enjoyed by the deaf in a similar way as music can be enjoyed by those of good hearing.

Today electronic technology has made it more of a gimmick most people don't think about a lot: even simple digital sound processing can create visual patterns and color shifts. But more relevant to a bard: colored light shows have become a part of many stage performances and the "stage lighting controls" are a lot like what Louis-Bertrand Castel envisioned: a board with keys that creates visual effects.

Isaac Asimov picked the idea up in the 1950s with the Visi-Sonor, again a keyed instrument that creates visual effects of color and motion, as what we would today call holographics, best enjoyed in the dark. "There are very few really good players. It’s not so much that it requires physical co-ordination — a multi-bank piano requires more, for instance — as a certain type of free-wheeling mentality.”.
That inspired in many details Futurama idea of the Holophonor, an oboe-style instrument that creates holographic projections and might be the most well known example here. I mention it because Futurama makes it a center stage piece of an opera instead of an extra like contemporary stage lighting.

In a D&D fantasy world we have magic like "dancing lights" and "hypnotic patterns" and even more complex "illusions" - so a semi-magical instrument that follows the intent of Louis-Bertrand Castel would be possible.
It would be impractical, because for purposes of game balance it should be strictly worse than casting actual spells and even more so it should not be an item that casts spells, but require actual proficiency to play. As a bardic instrument it defies the hearing range definition in a way that might be useless, broken, or both, depending how the DM rules it. For the intend of this thread useless could be houseruled. Yet such an instrument might still be cool for performance art. Sure the effects could be done with spells, but bards play challenging instruments instead of casting auditory-illusion spells, too, so i think there is a place for the ocular harpsichord.

and it isn't strictly affected by the ban on pianos.

[LtPowers]

This one would be pretty impractical:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glass_harmonica


Powers &8^]

[Xetheral]

Nah, ghungroo bells or (if your GM permits it) an air guitar have the Kazoo beat.

The bells certainly give the Kazoo a run for its money, but air guitar "occupies" one's hands, making it significantly less convenient than the other two.

[blackjack50]

Off the top of my head, I think grand piano and pipe organ would be the most impractical proficiencies to have. A grand piano weighs 500 pounds (minimum) and a pipe organ is the size of a building. At the same time, though, I kind of want to take an unusual large instrument as my 3rd proficiency.

https://youtu.be/ix-QW-BShPY

The above is close (glockenspiel/large xylophone).

There is also the marble machine:

https://youtu.be/IvUU8joBb1Q