View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

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+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-03, 06:29 AM
As before, from the original thread:

“There will be a posted skill check for a specific action each player will be taking, and the poster below you has to post a result from rolling a 1, or crit-failing, that took effect from their skill check. After that, the poster then posts a new skill check scenario.

For example, lets say the poster above you said that there is a skill check they are making to push an orc off a bridge. The poster below them would say that they rolled a 1, and instead they lightly caressed his back.”


+5 Vorpal Bunny successfully creates a new thread. However, he accidentally sets it on fire.

I roll to put out the fire!

Dire Moose
2021-01-03, 09:12 AM
Fire is technically an oxidation reaction and so you basically need electronegative molecules. So with hot chlorine, you can make fires that are really nasty to put out because they produce hydrochloric acid vapors that burn through the insulated suits.

Anyways, as for your roll, you devise an icepack that doesn't need any water. It's basically a frozen pillow.

I roll a spot check to find an icepack in the freezer.

You aren’t even looking in your freezer, so you actually pull a live badger out of its burrow and put it right up to your face. It starts clawing and biting you.

I roll to remove the badger.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-03, 10:00 AM
I remove the badger... who is also on fire!

I roll to cook the badger for dinner.

2021-01-03, 10:04 AM
You start by marinating yourself in gasoli- waaaaaaait a minute.

I roll to tackle this guy before he immolates himself.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-03, 01:43 PM
Your impact ignites me and we both go up in flames! Yuuum, cannibal's barbeque!

I roll in the snow to put us both out!

Dire Moose
2021-01-03, 10:13 PM
You wake up the Abominable Snowman and he eats you.

I roll to slay the Abominable Snowman with my +1 Sword of Stabbing.

The Outsider
2021-01-03, 10:45 PM
You mix up your +1 Sword of Stabbing with your +1 Quill of Witty Insults. You end up hurting the Abominable Snowman's feelings instead of his vitals, and he retaliates by eating you as well.

I roll to cut the Snowman open with my trusty dagger and save these two.

2021-01-04, 03:01 AM
In your pocket, you had a candy cane instead of a dagger. It's not very effective in melee, even if you sharpen it with your tongue.

I roll to build a candy factory.

Book Wombat
2021-01-04, 06:08 AM
You somehow create an anti-candy army which seeks out all confectionary creations and destroys them in a volcano.

I roll to save as many sweets as possible.

2021-01-04, 08:56 AM
They should be nice and safe in this volcano.

I roll to make more sweets.

The Outsider
2021-01-04, 12:43 PM
You end up with a prosperous vegetable garden instead.

I roll to grow a spaghetti tree.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-04, 01:10 PM
You attract a cult dedicated to the Flying Spaghetti Monster who wants to use your spaghetti tree to awaken the Old Ones.

I roll to stop their eldritch ritual.

2021-01-04, 03:58 PM
You somehow end up as the cult's high priest, and the ensuing ritual awakens a Great Old One with you as the host body.

I roll to escape the cosmic horror that has possessed +5 Vorpal Bunny.

2021-01-05, 12:23 AM

I roll ro avoid being similarly eaten.

The Outsider
2021-01-05, 01:55 AM
Technically, you succeed- you run into a completely different mouth, thus getting eaten in a different way. Still devoured, though.

I roll to join the previous two in getting eaten by the eldritch horror.

2021-01-05, 05:38 AM
The eldritch horror tosses you out of the pit of live animal offerings and eats the other animals whole. It won't oblige your suicidal desires.

I roll a will save to keep my sanity intact through this Lovecraftian episode.

2021-01-05, 09:42 AM
All of your perceived reality collapses into a single point, an immutable, undeniable truth that you can't help but live out for the rest of your crazed days - the inescapable axiom that there's nothing yummier than a peanut butter and toenail sandwich.

I roll Astrogation to chart a hyperspace course for my X-Wing that takes us away from this madness

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-05, 11:24 AM
You navigate us right into Abeloth's (https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Abeloth) maw instead! Yeah, out of the frying pan and into the fire...

I roll to activate the Gellar Field before jumping into the Warp.

Dire Moose
2021-01-05, 01:07 PM
Due to a sudden tachyon surge in the warp nacelles, the phase inducers completely depolarize and cause a subspace inversion within the warp field, which collapses and causes a chain reaction in the plasma conduits leading to a warp core breach.

I roll to beam the crew off the starship before it explodes.

The Outsider
2021-01-05, 02:36 PM
You beam the entire crew directly into the center of a large asteroid hurtling through deep space. I'm not sure if they freeze, suffocate, or get shredded at a molecular level, but I do know it isn't pretty.

I roll to go back in time and use my sonic screwdriver to lower the ambient tachyon levels of the warp nacelles, reversing the polarity and fixing this whole mess before it could even happen.

Book Wombat
2021-01-05, 02:57 PM
You fail at the first step and time travel to the future instead, during that time your space coordinates got mixed up and you appear in deep space.

I roll to rescue The Outsider from this predicament.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-05, 05:18 PM
I appear in a DeLorean and bring us back to the past. Judging by those giant feathered reptiles though, I may have sent us a bit far back...
And what is that meteor doing over there?

I roll to adjust the time travel coordinates to just before this whole Lovecraftian craziness went down.

Dire Moose
2021-01-05, 06:39 PM
You travel to the beginning of time itself and are immediately vaporized by the shockwave of the Big Bang.

I roll to put the shattered pieces of the time-space continuum back together.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-05, 06:57 PM
It's totally patchwork with tons of wormholes and different points in time and space overlapping each other and just in general wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.

I roll to regenerate into a ginger.

The Outsider
2021-01-05, 08:25 PM
You instead regenerate into a mass of ginger root. Tasty!

I roll to start a flame in someone's heart.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-05, 09:18 PM
They get a really, really bad case of heartburn. (https://youtu.be/Fpc_w7kibRo?t=103)

I roll to build a phaser-blaster-bolter-sonic screwdriver supergun!

2021-01-06, 10:58 AM
It explodes while you're taking your lunch break. It's not even a spectacular explosion...just more of a piff. But it leaves you with a metal pipe you can bang things with.

I roll to tell the funniest joke ever heard.

2021-01-06, 03:37 PM
DIED 2021

I roll to rebuild comedy.

2021-01-06, 07:27 PM
I don't get it.

I roll to haggle over the price of a bauble.

The Outsider
2021-01-06, 10:01 PM
You scream incoherently at the bauble vendor for a while, before throwing all your money at them and running away. Without the bauble.

I roll to console the confused and traumatized bauble vendor.

2021-01-06, 11:11 PM
They fade into an irreversible insanity and disappear from civilized society.

I roll to set this thread on fire.

2021-01-06, 11:31 PM
As the title says, +5 Vorpal Bunny doesn't want to do that. They stop you easily.

I roll to fry a turkey.

2021-01-06, 11:43 PM
Seeing Vorpal giving you a death glare, you decide to try a new variation on a certain meme and slap the turkey until it is cooked.

The thread is aflame anyway.

I roll to slap Dr Gunsforhands.

The Outsider
2021-01-07, 04:25 PM
You instead end up slapping Vorpal.

I roll to start a no-holds-barred slapfight.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-07, 05:00 PM
Everyone has flamethrowers... it ends like you'd expect.

I roll to tame the flames to make my own fire elemental companion.

2021-01-07, 11:04 PM

I roll to run away!

Book Wombat
2021-01-08, 06:50 AM
You stumble, do a backflip right into the fire elemental and become very crispy.

I roll to create water to destroy the elemental.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-08, 01:31 PM
You create a container filled with 2/3rds parts hydrogen and 1/3rd part oxygen. The problem? They're separated. You end up fueling the fire elemental even further!

I roll to raise an earth elemental to contain the fire elemental.

The Outsider
2021-01-08, 02:13 PM
You end up fusing the two together, creating a lava elemental. Now it not only lights everything on fire, but it also hits with the force of a sledgehammer!

I roll to have my air elemental spirit me away from this literal flaming disaster.

2021-01-08, 03:39 PM
The air elemental joins it! Now it can fly!

I roll to throw a water elemental at it.

2021-01-08, 05:06 PM
The water elemental shoves you away and reports you for sexual harassment.

I roll to establish Ironsmith's intent at the time of the incident.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-08, 06:12 PM
He said he wanted to get the fire-earth-air elemental 'wet'. They take it totally the wrong way.

I roll to go into the Avatar State and unite the four elementals.

The Outsider
2021-01-08, 06:25 PM
Just as you're about to unleash your elemental will, somebody strikes you in the chest with a bolt of lightning, knocking you out of the Avatar State and nearly killing you. What a jerk!

I roll to heal Vorpal's lightning wound with mystical spirit water.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-08, 07:16 PM
You somehow try healing me with cactus juice instead! I do a crazy unconscious hallucinating dance while the elementals are doing their thing. It'll quench ya!

I roll to convince the elementals to drink cactus juice.

2021-01-08, 09:11 PM
The elemental is touched by your offer, but you pass out halfway through and land face-first in a pool of cactus juice.

I roll to defend myself at the trial of Ironsmith v. Water.

Dire Moose
2021-01-09, 01:19 AM
You get sentenced to death by firing squad.

I roll to shoot Ironsmith.

2021-01-09, 01:29 PM
Don't worry! I'll-

*click* *click*


I roll to find some ammunition.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-09, 01:45 PM
Here try these cotton candy bullets, I'm sure nothing will go wr-
*whooosh!* I might have set your gun on fire. Again. I really got to stop doing that.

I roll to find a new running gag.

2021-01-09, 03:54 PM
You get slapped by a water elemental, which is promptly vaporized, killing it deader than dead.

I roll to be executed by water elemental firing squad.

2021-01-09, 04:56 PM
You instead meet death at the hands of the Fire Elemental Watering Squad, who mistake you for a plane and use their fireproof watering cans which are unfortunately full of cactus juice.

I roll to understand how Dr. Gunsforhands reloads.

Book Wombat
2021-01-10, 02:00 PM
By watching Dr. Gunsforhands reload, you make them nervous which in turn leads to them accidentally blowing up the gun right in their face.

I roll to block the flying shrapnel.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-10, 04:30 PM
Your lungs and belly get impaled by shrapnel in the shape of a smiley face.

I roll to heal Wombat with aforementioned spirit water.

2021-01-10, 06:38 PM
*sprt, sprt*

That's the sound of a water gun not healing injuries.

I roll to beam everyone up to sick bay.

2021-01-10, 08:31 PM
You teleport everyone onto the conveyor belt in the trash compactor room.

I roll to press the emergency stop button.

The Outsider
2021-01-10, 08:49 PM
You instead press the button that empties the entirety of the room into a pit full of crocodiles. Why do we even have that button?

I roll to write an Emperor's New Groove/Star Trek fanfiction.

2021-01-11, 12:37 AM
Kirk and Yzma? I... erg...

I roll to keep my vomit confined to an acceptable vessel, like a trash can or toilet.

2021-01-11, 03:29 AM
The building now looks like a level of Viscera Cleanup Detail, with vomit everywhere and for some reason, there are body parts and bullets littering the floor too.

I roll to find every last stain to mop up and every last littered object to put in the incinerator.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-11, 04:49 AM
This nice transparent cube guy promised me he'd do it for free! Look at him go how nice of him umm why is he coming at me like tha-

I roll to blow up the gelatinous cube.

2021-01-11, 10:32 AM
After absorbing your explosion, the gelatinous cube inflates like a balloon and is now a Colossal Gelatinous Cube with 60 Hit Dice. And also it somehow gained psychic powers.

I roll to resist the Cube's dominating psychic powers.

2021-01-11, 10:37 AM
The cube's dominating psychic powers don't work on you because you are now a mind flayer.
And now there's a nice juicy brain in front of you...

I roll to eat the brain.

Dire Moose
2021-01-11, 06:15 PM
You attempt to eat a land mine by mistake and your head explodes.

I roll to parachute behind enemy lines.

2021-01-11, 08:54 PM
The enemy finds a Dire Moose-shaped crater in the middle of their camp.

I roll to bug out!

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-11, 11:10 PM
You literally turn into a giant insect. I don't think that was what you had in mind...

I roll to transform and roll out.

2021-01-12, 09:25 AM
You transform into Cthulhu and commit suicide.

I roll to resurrect myself.

Dire Moose
2021-01-12, 10:02 AM
You reanimate yourself into a really hideous zombie.

I roll to bowl with a mole and a foal while avoiding a gnoll and a troll in a hole full of coal (they charge a toll, and you pay with your soul).

2021-01-12, 10:29 AM
Your rampant rhyming causes the local population of animals to become enraged.

I roll to escape the animals.

2021-01-12, 10:51 AM
You are trampled by a herd of cattle and carried off as prey by a grizzly bear.

I roll to organize a search party for georger0171.

The Outsider
2021-01-12, 02:41 PM
You manage to convince the Town Council that no one should ever look for georger0171, and that evidence of the whole thing should be buried as deep as possible.

I roll to find the truth, and expose this coverup.

2021-01-12, 02:46 PM
You find me... but I'm now an eldritch demon.

I roll to obliterate the universe.

2021-01-12, 06:14 PM
*laughs in big bang*

I roll to be a space pirate.

2021-01-12, 06:41 PM
Instead, you become a space privateer and accidentally blow up a planet.

I roll to capture the mass-murderer.

2021-01-12, 09:01 PM
It turns out the culprit was an eldritch demon!

I roll to slip past a security camera undetected.

2021-01-12, 09:20 PM
You fail miserably, alerting the CIA, FBI, MI6, KGB, Mossad, and everyone in the building.

I roll to capture the intruder!

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-12, 10:14 PM
You catch him with a Pokeball! I guess you're his trainer now...

I roll to find out his stats and moves.

Book Wombat
2021-01-13, 08:34 AM
You instead find the Necronomicon and die with an expression of horror after looking at the first page.

I roll to seal the Necronomicon forever away.

2021-01-13, 09:30 AM
You instead unleash its dark power and turn everyone on the planet into eldritch horrors from beyond the void.

I roll to conquer the universe.

A Human
2021-01-13, 12:29 PM
You instead unleash its dark power and turn everyone on the planet into eldritch horrors from beyond the void.

I roll to conquer the universe.

You have a great start, subduing a particularly developed region of the galaxy with several sentient and advanced species, but logistics and overextension on such a grand scale make it hard to subdue rebellions and outright impossible to expand much further. While the area you did conquer prospered under the new order and its security, your conquests revert in a few decades after you pass away due to instability and incompetent successors.

I roll to destroy the legacy of the Georger Empire and promote the new independence of the worlds once under it.

2021-01-13, 01:31 PM
You accidentally recreate the Georger Empire and now, it's apparently immune to logistical problems!

I roll to subdue the civilizations under my control.

A Human
2021-01-13, 01:52 PM
You are decisively defeated by a coalition of the powers that sprung up in the wake of the empire's first collapse, and for the third time you're back to square one.

I roll to explore a derelict and abandoned Georger military base for information on the fallen empire and a better idea of its legacy.

2021-01-13, 03:32 PM
You find a superweapon, attempt to fire it, and it blows up.

I attempt to smoke some weed.

Dire Moose
2021-01-13, 03:43 PM
You roll up a joint, put it in your mouth and light it. Suddenly your hands and mouth start itching so badly you feel like they’re on fire. You drop the burning plant in your lap as you realize you just tried to smoke poison ivy, and your pants promptly catch fire.

I roll to treat georger0171’s injuries.

2021-01-13, 03:50 PM
You are now on fire. And so is this thread. (Mission accomplished).

I roll to dial 911 to alert the fire department.

A Human
2021-01-13, 04:02 PM
You are now on fire. And so is this thread. (Mission accomplished).

I roll to dial 911 to alert the fire department.
You successfully get to your phone and begin to dial the number. The 9 goes in well - so far, so good - wait. Your phone's lagging! You keep pressing the '1' key in frustration... until after a minute, those two 1s appear. Breathing a sigh of relief, you hit 'call'... but seven more ones appear and you call a completely different number. In fact, it turns out to be the number of someone who enjoys arson. You didn't look at this at the time, however, and so as this person picks up, you call them for help and give them your location. Then, you hang up...

... And a few minutes later, this person shows up with a flamethrower and uses it to help burn what isn't already ablaze. You have officially made the problem worse.

I roll to add fuel to the thread-fire.

2021-01-13, 04:49 PM
You accidentally add a metric ton of trinitrotroluene, and now the thread is blown up.

I roll to collect the pieces of the thread and put them back together.

2021-01-13, 09:06 PM
You find some (melted, undetonated) trinitrotulene and try to hammer is into place.

I roll to find the bits of georger and try to put them back togethet.

2021-01-13, 11:23 PM
Wait, don't step- *crunch*

I roll to design a flying car!

Dire Moose
2021-01-14, 09:10 AM
You insist on testing the prototype yourself by flying it over the Grand Canyon. The engine stalls out halfway through, causing you to fall thousands of feet and crash to the ground far below.

I roll to walk my dog.

2021-01-14, 09:57 AM
You walk your dog right into some nuclear waste, creating a Godzilla-esque abomination.

I roll to subdue the abomination!

Book Wombat
2021-01-14, 02:24 PM
You manage to kill it after a long battle but unfortunately when the abomination dies it resurrects with ten times the power.

I roll to negate this ability.

2021-01-14, 04:41 PM
You try to negate it... Crud.
And now it's growing?

I roll to escape the planet before this monstrosity can destroy it.

Dire Moose
2021-01-14, 09:10 PM
Your ship explodes on the launchpad.

I roll to summon Cthulhu and get him to fight off the abomination.

2021-01-14, 11:31 PM
Yes on the first part, no on the second.

I roll to accept the world's inevitable fate of being crushed to rubble.

2021-01-15, 09:33 AM
You turn into the world's last hope... And will you look at that, it's a Gundam with the keys still in the driver's seat.

I roll to lie down and die.

2021-01-15, 03:17 PM
While the abomination, Cthulu, and Dr. Gunsforhands battle it out, you get launched into outer space, towards a black hole so massive you accelerate closer and closer to the speed of light, never reaching the event horizon, unable to do anything but reflect on your life for all of eternity...

I roll to raise Dr. Gunsforhands to his rightful status of God-Emperor of Mankind.

Dire Moose
2021-01-15, 03:47 PM
You send him into the Warp without a Gellar Field. Or a spaceship. Or any clothes, for that matter.

I roll to slam-dunk a basketball.

2021-01-15, 05:12 PM
Somehow, a collision between the basket and the ball results in a tremendous superelastic collision. The ball rebounds into the other side of the court and lands in the basket there. The referee gives the other team 3 points for an own goal.

I roll to treat my insanity resulting from the abominations in the recent posts.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-15, 05:18 PM
hr=h=6434=nfh=5yOMGWTFBBQ:O^_^cccapf4322m;zmbma.aa aaa..!!!11!

I roll to drive the abominations insane.

2021-01-15, 06:52 PM
You drive yourself insane and murder a large percentage of this thread.

I roll to strengthen containment in Site-19.

2021-01-15, 08:59 PM
You release SCP-682, tape a picture of SCP-096 onto SCP-173, and Dr. Bright does Dr. Bright.

I roll to impersonate an 05.

+5 Vorpal Bunny
2021-01-15, 09:37 PM
You end up impersonating a D-class assigned to cleaning up after SCP-173.

I roll to insert the contents of this thread into SCP-914 on 'Very Fine'.

2021-01-16, 09:54 AM
You accidentally put it through on "Rough", and the thread comes out in pieces, and on fire. Again.

I roll to clean up this mess.

2021-01-16, 07:03 PM
You knock the thread over, causing the fire to spread and various monsters, body parts, and other sundry bits of mess to scatter throughout the entire forum.

I roll to hire a cleaning service.

Dire Moose
2021-01-16, 09:11 PM
You hire a demolition team instead and don’t realize it until the wrecking ball crashes into your house.

I roll to send SCP-2700 into SCP-2935 via remote-operated drone (that universe is lifeless, and SCP-2700 won’t be in ours anymore). I explicitly don’t send anything living inside and seal the entrance back up afterward.

2021-01-16, 09:32 PM
You take a wrong turn and end up in 914's intake chamber, with the setting on Coarse.

I roll to not start the machine.

2021-01-17, 09:18 AM
You start the machine and you get a melted pile of organic slurry at the other end.

I roll to eat some eggs.

Book Wombat
2021-01-17, 10:59 AM
You manage to get them in your throat but not further.

I roll to make a disgusting meal.

Dire Moose
2021-01-17, 02:06 PM
You bake a cake that tastes so good that it overloads your senses and blows out every neuron in your brain. R.I.P.

After my emergency backup Amulet of Resurrection goes off and I finish being reconstituted from a pile of organic slurry, I roll to shove Ironsmith into a wood chipper.

2021-01-18, 09:23 AM
You put yourself in the wood chipper and your emergency backup backup Amulet of Resurrection is triggered.

I roll to get one of those nifty Amulets of Resurrection for myself.

Book Wombat
2021-01-19, 05:28 AM
You buy one for what you think is an amazing bargain, although the shopkeeper never guaranteed it would work...

I roll to exchange the broken Amulet for a functioning one.

Dire Moose
2021-01-19, 06:40 AM
You exchange it for a functioning amulet. It’s a perfectly functional Amulet of Attracting Angry Swarms of Bees.

I roll to do something that doesn’t involve becoming a pile of blood and gore.

@V: I’m running out of amulets here!

2021-01-19, 09:20 AM
You get SCP-096rolled and are quickly tracked down by the "Shy Guy."

I roll to terminate SCP-682.

2021-01-19, 12:41 PM
Item: Twenty-sided die, all sides painted with "1".

Termination Test Results: Dr Georger entered SCP-682's enclosure and began pelting SCP-682 with the aforementioned die. Dr Georger was immediately devoured for his trouble.

Coroner's Note: I'm putting down "natural selection" as the cause of death.

I roll to lead a technological revolution.

Book Wombat
2021-01-19, 03:43 PM
You manage to destruct all the mediums of knowledge and kill all relevant people setting humanity's technology hundreds of years back.

I roll to survive in this new age.

2021-01-19, 09:22 PM
* Book Wombat died of dysentery.

I roll to reinvent penicillin.

2021-01-20, 12:55 AM
Anthrax is like penicillin, right?

I roll to make antibiotics.

2021-01-20, 09:33 AM
You make meth.
Poisoned meth.

I roll to use that leftover Gundam that Dr.Gunsforhands fought Cthulhu and Godzilla in.

2021-01-20, 05:58 PM
Ordinarily you wouldn't have to roll at all, but I changed some of the controls to suit my fighting style and I didn't label which ones I remapped to, 'blow my own arms and legs off.'

I roll to make popcorn!

2021-01-20, 06:38 PM
You make a mountain of popcorn, crushing every living thing within a 500km radius of this thread.

I roll to eat the popcorn.

2021-01-20, 06:50 PM
I roll to make popcorn!

Maize kernels inside a wad of bubble gum are not popcorn.

I roll to eat the popcorn.

You chip your teeth on hard kernels that didn't get popped.

I roll a knowledge (planes) check to figure out where I am.

2021-01-20, 06:56 PM
You're in the Star Trek mirror universe.

I roll to grow a goatee.

2021-01-20, 06:58 PM
You grow a... goat?

I roll to kill said goat.

2021-01-22, 01:41 AM
Your pistol had only 1 bullet, which rebounds off the boulder behind the goat and hits your teeth. The terrified goat runs away and you have 2 more chipped teeth.

I roll find a dentist for georger0171.

Dire Moose
2021-01-22, 02:48 AM
You find Dr. Gunsforhands.

I roll to dig up dinosaur bones.

2021-01-22, 09:25 AM
You dig up a live dinosaur., which promptly bites your head off.

I roll to start Jurassic Park.

2021-01-22, 11:39 AM
You start Jurassic Park.

I roll to outrun the dinos.

2021-01-22, 05:09 PM
Oh no! Looks like an enemy spy who totally isn't acting on my orders has opened all the security doors! Including the ones to the Tyrannosaurus Rex holding pens you decided to run to! I sure hope you have better plot armor than Gennaro!

I roll to use the mayhem to assassinate Georger and Book Wobmat for their signatures. Why do you have to have so many darn spoilers?

2021-01-22, 05:14 PM
You accidentally assassinate a moderator.

I roll to use my Phoenix Wright-like attorney skills to defend Kerching at trial.

2021-01-22, 10:41 PM
Objection! You can't defend someone in court without a license to practice law!

Fortunately, he's able to settle out of court. It only cost him an arm and a leg. Speaking of which...

I roll to amputate cleanly and painlessly.

2021-01-22, 10:54 PM
A nurse and an anesthesiologist have perfectly marked the area and numbed the patient so that you can do just that. So, naturally, you perform the operation on the wrong person entirely.

I roll to smuggle Kerching out of the country before their creditors realize what happened.

2021-01-23, 09:54 AM
You smuggle Kerching off this planet entirely and leave him to have his blood boiled in the cold vacuum of space.

I roll to get a law license.

2021-01-23, 03:02 PM
You are forever trapped in line at the RMV, trying to get a driver's license.

I roll to get picked up by a passing alien.

2021-01-24, 12:28 AM
You successfully spot a passing starship and get into its path. Its pilots still don't notice you. You splat against the vessel's reinforced bow.

I roll to bake a lemon muffin.

Dire Moose
2021-01-24, 02:37 AM
You get the ingredients mixed up wrong and somehow end up baking it with extremely toxic jungle fruit instead of lemons.

I roll to [DATA EXPUNGED].

2021-01-24, 09:57 AM
MTF Omega-7 "Pandora's Box" was dispatched to contain the [REDACTED]

I roll to make the US communist.

2021-01-24, 09:15 PM
[Dr. Gunsforhands was banned for too much real-world politics]

I roll to hack the server and fix my account.

Dire Moose
2021-01-25, 09:23 AM
You crash the entire website and delete it permanently. Attempting to fix this causes the server to burst into flames.

I roll to call the fire department.

2021-01-25, 09:30 AM
You somehow set the fire station on fire through the phone line... What the heck?

I roll to get a fire extinguisher.

2021-01-25, 02:38 PM
You get a flamethrower.

I roll a Strength (Athletics) check or Dexterity (Acrobatics) check to kick the flamethrower out of georger's hands before he burns down the rest of the office.

Dire Moose
2021-01-26, 01:16 AM
You kick the flamethrower right in the fuel tank, breaking it and causing all the fuel to ignite at once. It explodes and the entire room is now on fire.

I roll to rescue the people trapped by the flames.

2021-01-26, 03:58 AM
You've got the place burned so thoroughly that the bodies are indiscernible from the ceiling ashes, rescuing the arsonist from a murder conviction.

I roll to rebuild over the open lot that was once an office.

2021-01-26, 09:35 AM
You build an office. A haunted office.

I roll to call the Ghostbusters.

Book Wombat
2021-01-27, 02:34 AM
You dial in the number a few lines above the Ghostbusters in the telephone book and call some ghosts instead. They become friends rather quickly with your current hauntings.

I roll to exorcise these ghosts.

2021-01-27, 04:04 AM
You get a lot of exercise running away from the ghosts after you fail your initial will save vs fear.

I roll to use the spell Command Undead on the ghosts.

2021-01-27, 09:23 AM
You command them alright. Command them to set the thread on fire(again)

I roll to summon Cthulhu.

2021-01-28, 10:29 AM
You summon Cthulhu's baby sister, Emma. She manifests on your forehead and has a voracious appetite. She plays with your dreams much like a toddler plays with a train set, and occasionally you find yourself teleported to places she finds interesting.

I roll to investigate the strange phenomenon of georger0171 being inside the sarcophagus of a forgotten pharaoh during its opening in an Egyptian museum clean room.

Dire Moose
2021-01-28, 07:45 PM
You get cursed with mummy rot and crumble to dust.

I roll to perform a demonic ritual.

2021-01-29, 02:31 PM
You perform a holy ritual and turn the ocean into holy water.

I roll to punch through the fourth wall.

Book Wombat
2021-01-30, 10:41 AM
You get sucked into a nearby book and turn into one of the side characters losing your memories in the process. No more fourth wall breaking for you.

I roll to save georger0171 from their predicament.

2021-01-31, 09:33 AM
You try to enter a book to save me from my predicament, then realize you do not know how to enter a book. It only makes matters worse when you start jumping up and down on top of The Two Towers and the librarian asks you to leave.

I roll to save Book Wombat from his foolishness.

2021-01-31, 02:17 PM
Without fourth wall powers, you end up pelting him with dice.

I roll to lmao.

Dire Moose
2021-01-31, 07:05 PM
You laugh your head off instead and die of decapitation.

I roll to play guitar.

2021-01-31, 09:52 PM
You get played by a guitar. It stole your wallet!

I roll to draw an original character.

2021-02-01, 09:22 AM
You end up stabbing yourself in the brain with a pencil, and your ghost hears lawyers planning to sue your corpse for copyright infringement.

I roll to commit eat tortilla chip vertically.

2021-02-01, 11:52 AM
Somehow you now have a tortilla nose ring. And you picked a lime-flavored tortilla.

I roll to insert this thread into the vending machine with the help of TPBM.

2021-02-01, 06:35 PM
You insert this thread into your nose.

I roll to pull the thread out of Korith's nose.

2021-02-02, 06:38 AM
You pull a tooth out of his mouth.

I roll to give korinth a dental implant to replace it.

Dire Moose
2021-02-02, 03:21 PM
You give him a Borg implant instead. It assimilates him. He then assimilates you.

I roll to win the game.

2021-02-02, 08:10 PM
You just lost the game!

I roll to revive dead memes.

2021-02-04, 03:08 AM
Lawyers follow your twitter account with prejudice and send takedown notices to every dead meme post you try to retweet.

I roll a str(Intimidation) check to forcefully convince the DM that intimidation should use your strength and not your charisma.

2021-02-04, 04:14 AM
She rules that causal paradoxes are busted and aren't allowed in her campaign.

I roll to fix a mysterious hole in reality.

2021-02-06, 09:50 AM
You cause the Big Crunch, the Big Rip, and the Big Freeze to happen all at once.

I roll to post a meme.

Book Wombat
2021-02-06, 04:13 PM
You instead post a boring ten page long history essay.

I roll to hack into all the major countries' databases.

2021-02-07, 02:08 AM
...all of them? That sounds like a lot of work for the GM. It's easier to say you just get in trouble with whichever one can hurt you the most.

I roll to turn off the internet.

2021-02-07, 10:39 AM
You create an NK-class "Grey Goo" scenario.

I roll to contain the nanobots.

Dire Moose
2021-02-07, 11:22 AM
You try to eat the nanobots. They use the opportunity to take over your brain, effectively turning you into a Borg drone.

I roll to shoot the Borg before it assimilates me.

2021-02-07, 03:29 PM
It assimilates you, then you shoot yourself and die. No one is happy with this.

I roll to bake a cake for a tiger.

2021-02-08, 04:18 PM
You accidentally bake the tiger into the cake, which otherwise turns out fantastic. It starts a new craze for baking endangered species.

I roll to capitalize on this new market.

2021-02-09, 09:39 AM
You accidentally turn the world into a communist agrarian society.

I roll to become the Exalted Holy God-Emperor of the Multiverse.

2021-02-09, 09:47 AM
You become the Exalted Holy God-Emperor of the Teenyverse, which is a universe in a universe in Rick's car battery.

I roll to speed up Rick and Morty season 5.

Dire Moose
2021-02-09, 04:01 PM
You accidentally set fire to the production studios.

I roll to stop setting things on fire.

2021-02-09, 11:50 PM
They were always burnin' since the world's been turnin'.

I roll to fall asleep.

2021-02-10, 09:24 AM
You lay there, your thoughts wandering about as so many droplets befall a rainforest in a year. Sleep teases you from some distant horizon which eternally eludes your grasp. Eventually you decide to just turn on the TV and watch a marathon of infomercials from the 1970s until once again day breaks, and you haven't slept a wink.

I roll Perform (Bagpipes) to welcome the new day.

2021-02-10, 12:37 PM
You lay there, your thoughts wandering about as so many droplets befall a rainforest in a year. Sleep teases you from some distant horizon which eternally eludes your grasp. Eventually you decide to just turn on the TV and watch a marathon of infomercials from the 1970s until once again day breaks, and you haven't slept a wink.

I roll Perform (Bagpipes) to welcome the new day.

You play what sounds like a Truck Horn, which causes a major accident just outside your house, and a car ends up in your kitchen. And, no, insurance won't cover the damages.

I Roll to make a cup of coffee.

Dire Moose
2021-02-10, 04:04 PM
You make a cup of superheated plasma and don’t realize this until your entire digestive system has been seared to a crisp.

I roll to fix the warp engines.

2021-02-11, 09:46 AM
You create a rip in the space-time continuum.

I roll to eat the universe.

2021-02-11, 08:53 PM
You create a rip in the space-time continuum.

I roll to eat the universe.

As you reach through the multiversal rift in order to consume the universe inside, you realize your hand isn't large enough so you go for the earth instead. As you reach out, you feel a large shadow covering your back. You look upward to see your own hand, outstretched over the entirety of the earth. You grab it, and panic breaks out worldwide.
You begin to pull the earth out from the rift, and you feel yourself shifting as you pull the earth away. As your hand crosses the threshold out of the rift, the earth exits the universe it is in and enters the larger one. This happens infinitely. You broke reality.

I roll to reboot the simulation.

2021-02-12, 09:52 PM
You enter the task manager to try to kill the universe simulator. A popup appears and says "This operation could not be completed. Access is denied." And you can't turn off or restart the computer because it became sentient and learned to power itself.

I roll to destroy this computer to end the simulation.

Dire Moose
2021-02-12, 11:17 PM
“I can’t let you do that, Dave.”

With that, the computer blows you out an airlock.

I roll to kill SCP-682.

2021-02-14, 06:54 PM
It wakes up and destroys the world. Don't feel too bad; this would have happened eventually even if you'd rolled a 20.

I roll to build a new planet to live on.

2021-02-15, 03:53 PM
*black hole'd*

I roll to be a superhero.

Dire Moose
2021-02-15, 11:55 PM
You decide to expose yourself to a concentrated bust of radioactive particles in order to give yourself superpowers. After all, it worked in all those comic books you... oh, wait. You just melted. Oops.

I roll to clean the nasty reddish goo out of the particle accelerator.

2021-02-16, 09:33 AM
You eat the nasty red goo and turn into nastier red goo. And now the red goo is self-replicating...

I roll to prevent an NK-class "Grey Goo" scenario by deploying all the MTFs and having them shoot at the goo.

2021-02-17, 06:25 PM
The SCP Foundation gives up on the current timeline. They use SCP-2003 in advance to go to an earlier date to rig the particle accelerator, making it explode before Ironsmith can get melted in it. The sabotage is blamed on Asmotherion and the superheated plasma he made in the coffee pot.

I roll to stop Ironsmith from wrecking another timeline.

2021-02-18, 12:13 AM
Um... it was like this when I got here.

I roll to blaive.

2021-02-18, 03:00 AM
You start a J-Rock band. You find a vocalist named Jeckyll, a guitarist named Pretty and a drummer named Sorrow. They make thoroughly average perform checks and your Youtube channel sucks.

I roll to insert unnecessary apostrophes everywhere.

Dire Moose
2021-02-18, 08:47 AM
You completely butcher your attempt at speaking Klingon by not including enough apostrophes. You just inadvertently told the Klingon ambassador that his mother is a disgusting pile of garbage who sleeps with wild animals. He tears your head off with his bare hands.

I roll to reattach Dr. Gunsforhands’s head.

2021-02-18, 02:13 PM
You remove the guns on his arms.

I roll to upgrade Dr. Gunsforhands by attaching tank cannons to his arms.

2021-02-18, 04:30 PM
Now I have heads for hands and a cannon for a head!

I roll to make friends with the head on my other arm.

Dire Moose
2021-02-18, 09:42 PM
It’s actually a Tyrannosaurus Rex head and it bites your regular head off.

I roll to get a picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

2021-02-19, 02:11 PM
...Moose, that's a pickle.

I roll to make memes.

2021-02-20, 09:59 AM
You get turned into a shadow demon at 2am looking for BEANS.

I roll to get infinite good karma.

Dire Moose
2021-02-20, 04:03 PM
You start by brutally killing 15 puppies, 7 kittens and a baby. Well, I suppose you get plenty of some kind of karma...

I roll to track down the homicidal maniac responsible for the murders of a small child and 22 family pets.

2021-02-20, 06:08 PM

That is a pickle.

I roll to find the Pet Semetary.

2021-02-21, 04:21 AM
Ironsmith, that's a pickle factory.

I role to write about SCP-586 without making a typo somewhere.

2021-02-21, 07:46 AM
You type with your fingers offset one key to the right and thus get every single letter wrong before you notice.

I roll to comprehend the report bug_sniper wrote.

2021-02-21, 09:32 AM
You go mad from trying to comprehend what this eldritch tome has truly become.

I roll to cure Dire Moose's pickle problem.

2021-02-21, 01:58 PM
You cure a pickle of its dire moose problem. No, I don't mean Dire Moose; I'm talking about a completely different moose, which happens to be dire.

I roll to find a pickle.

Dire Moose
2021-02-21, 02:20 PM
You find a dire moose. It tramples, bites, and gores you.

I roll to figure out where I am.

2021-02-22, 09:29 AM

That is not a compass.

It is a pickle.

I roll to summon the unholy elder god Cthulhu.

2021-02-22, 12:54 PM
You summon a pickled sea cucumber.

I roll an athletics check to run away from the pickles.

2021-02-22, 09:06 PM
You trip over a pickle, into a pickle bucket, which tips over and rolls down the street into a pickle truck bound for the pickle warehouse.

I roll to get my name changed to Dr. T. Rexhead.

2021-02-22, 10:23 PM
Your name is changed to "Mister Treexhead". You heard that right; no doctorate for you!

I roll to go build something.

2021-02-23, 09:31 AM
...Ironsmith, that's a pickle.

I roll to change the pickles to olives.

Dire Moose
2021-02-23, 09:48 AM

Those are bananas.

I roll to do a high dive.

2021-02-23, 10:03 AM
You attempt to dive into a pool of pickle brine, naturally. You actually end up diving into concrete. From eighty feet up.

I roll to lure someone to my workbench.

2021-02-25, 03:33 AM
2 hours later, a party of 4 adventurers fell into your pickling vat.

I roll to open a door to get out of here.

2021-02-25, 01:58 PM
In your haste, you tear the door handle out of the door and knock yourself unconscious with it.

I roll to reattach the door handle.

2021-02-25, 05:15 PM
Sure. You just get your screwdriver pickle and use it to screw the doorknob pickle back into the door other pickle.

I roll to terminate the running gag.

Dire Moose
2021-02-25, 10:12 PM
You attempt to gag a running Terminator. It objects to this and shoots you.

I roll to create a documentary about prehistoric creatures.

2021-02-26, 09:29 AM
You create Jurassic Park and get sued for 300 billion dollars, your soul, and your firstborn child.

I roll to object to the lawsuit, Phoenix Wright style.

2021-02-26, 01:45 PM
You get flogged by a mysteriously-tolerated whip-wielding lawyer.

I roll to roll a die.

2021-02-26, 04:35 PM
You do a perfect flip. Right off the roof.

I roll to find a pot of gold.

2021-02-27, 09:39 AM
You are mauled viciously by a pack of wild leprechauns.

I roll to recurse.

2021-02-28, 02:16 AM
You are re-cursed!

I roll to change a tire.

Dire Moose
2021-02-28, 02:39 AM
You fail to set the car jack properly. The car falls on you and crushes you.

I roll to craft a magic sword.

2021-02-28, 09:25 AM
You craft a cursed butter knife.

I roll to do something completely safe.

2021-02-28, 04:23 PM
You lock yourself inside a safe. An airtight, nigh-impregnable, otherwise empty safe.

I roll to barrel.

Book Wombat
2021-03-01, 05:38 AM
You end up hanging by a fraying rope over a forest fire from a broken helicopter piloted by a blind person inside a hailstorm.

I roll to save George.

Well damn it.

You bowl instead.

I roll to sleep.

2021-03-01, 09:30 AM
You OD on sleeping pills.

I roll to compose some music!

Dire Moose
2021-03-05, 01:47 PM
Your music sounds like owlbears belting out mating calls while scraping their claws across chalkboards.


2021-03-05, 09:05 PM
You instead record that ungodly noise and upload it to youtube.

I roll to plant a tree.

2021-03-06, 09:25 AM
You set the tree on fire, plant it upside down, and drizzle it with toxic waste like some poorly-made birthday cake.

I roll to stop the upside-down tree monster from devouring Cleveland.

2021-03-06, 02:30 PM
You stop Cleveland from devouring the upside-down tree monster. Congratulations!

I roll to climb the upside-down tree monster.

2021-03-07, 09:49 AM
You try to climb a completely normal tree upside-down. Not surprisingly, this has disastrous consequences.


Dire Moose
2021-03-07, 12:07 PM

I roll to potato.

Book Wombat
2021-03-08, 02:54 AM
You carrot do that.

I roll to eat said carrot.

2021-03-08, 09:21 AM
You stick the carrot up your nose. How do you like them apples?

I roll to eat the aforementioned apples.

2021-03-10, 02:43 AM
You eat the aforementioned pickles. Thankfully, that running gag is now over.

I roll to push a boulder off of a road.

2021-03-10, 09:24 AM
The boulder turns out to be a galeb duhr and it runs over you.

I roll to clean up bug_sniper's gooey remains.

Dire Moose
2021-03-10, 02:16 PM
You get run over by a truck.

I roll to enjoy a day at the beach.

2021-03-11, 09:26 AM
You get eaten by a shark.

I roll to restart all the running gags.

2021-03-12, 12:24 AM
...you can't remember any.

I roll to write a great novel!

2021-03-12, 09:19 AM
You write the scriptures of Cthulhu, causing any who view them to go mad.

I roll to carry Dr. Gunsforhands to the asylum.

2021-03-13, 04:12 PM
You break your back trying to pick up Dr. Gunsforhands.

I roll to call an ambulance.

2021-03-13, 05:07 PM
*knock knock* Pizza delivery!

Wait, is someone hurt? Good thing I know CPR! *rolls*

2021-03-14, 01:05 AM
You huff, and you puff, and you give them mouth-to-mouth so hard that their lungs explode.

I roll to fill out the legal forms for enrolling in the asylum.

2021-03-14, 09:16 AM
You enroll Ironsmith into the asylum.

I roll to correct this.

2021-03-14, 09:19 AM
You write several sensory cognitohazards, plus Xerox SCP-096's face onto the papers.

I roll to become Dr. Bright.

Dire Moose
2021-03-15, 12:31 PM
You get demoted to D-class and assigned to watch SCP-173.

I roll to kill SCP-682.

2021-03-16, 08:27 AM
You cause Site-19 to collapse into a ball 1mm in diameter, which 682 promptly eats.

I roll to play a game of SCP: Secret Laboratory.

2021-03-16, 08:41 AM
Go directly to 682's containment chamber. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

I roll to dismantle all anomalies.

2021-03-16, 12:53 PM
All of The Anomolies have now vowed to kill you, to thank you for the upgrades they have just recieved.

I Roll to drink cranberry juice.

Dire Moose
2021-03-16, 06:00 PM
One reddish liquid is the same as another, right?

You drink bromine instead, which burns your digestive system really badly and kills you via poisoning.

I roll to properly label the hazardous chemicals this time.

2021-03-16, 08:34 PM
If you drink them, eventually you can label them all as urine!

I roll to fit my garbage in a full dumpster.

2021-03-17, 08:34 AM
You try and fit a full dumpster in a garbage bag. You waste 40 garbage bags and eventually burn the garbage.

I roll to scold Dr. Gunsforhands for furthering global warming.

Dire Moose
2021-03-17, 09:42 AM
You babble something about “interstellar dinosaurs” instead.

I roll to find out if interstellar dinosaurs are real.

2021-03-17, 09:43 AM
You try and fit a full dumpster in a garbage bag. You waste 40 garbage bags and eventually burn the garbage.

I roll to scold Dr. Gunsforhands for furthering global warming.

You are pretty sure interstellar dinosaurs are not real, as you sit inside a fleshy room slowly being digested.

I Roll to Destroy Za Worldo!!

Dire Moose
2021-03-19, 03:38 PM
You miss and blow up Pluto instead. Well at least we can be sure it isn’t a planet now...

I roll to pass a biology test.

2021-03-19, 04:02 PM
Every organ in a frog is called a gloobok and your biology teacher can't convince you otherwise.

I roll to achieve godhood.

2021-03-19, 04:49 PM
You achieve doghood and turn into a canine.

I roll to figure out which sinister entity it is that is making everyone roll ones.