You really think I wouldn't have expected that? [Archive]

BlackStaticWolf

2007-11-08, 04:34 PM

Don't you love it when someone points out something that's actually pretty obvious

So, today I was chatting with one of my classmates about what elective she's choosing for next semester. She's a pretty girl and smart as hell, however, her wardrobe... pushes the boundaries of appropriate classroom attire. As one might expect, she's the type who clearly enjoys casually flirting with the opposite sex, including male professors.

So, when I mention that I'm probably going to take Family Law since it'll be on the Bar anyway, her reply was that she considered that but decided not to because she doesn't want to take classes from female professors if she can avoid it. She then states: "I know, you wouldn't expect a girl to want to avoid female teachers, but I always seem to have better luck with men."

All I could think was: "Really? You thought I wouldn't expect that?" and of course, "Maintain eye contact." (she was leaning on the table doing the whole maximum exposure thing)

So what are some of the blindingly obvious things that people have revealed to you?

Occasional Sage

2007-11-08, 04:41 PM

At work currently... in a meeting this morning, somebody actually said, "You know, you might want to be sure you complete work in a way that counts toward your goals."

If my job has goals, why would I do work in such a way as to fail to meet them? If I dislike my job that much, I'll quit thanks!

BlackStaticWolf

2007-11-08, 04:56 PM

Oh! I just remembered another good one...

The following exchange occurred while my dad was teaching my little sister how to drive:

Dad: Just remember, going backwards is the opposite of going forwards.
Sister: Thanks for that bit of keen insight, dad.

Of course, what he actually meant was that the direction you turn the steering wheel is reversed, but thanks to that slip of the tongue, my sister and I have had ammunition to mock him for the past four years.

Emperor Ing

2007-11-08, 05:25 PM

I was playing Halo 3, CTF, when I was alerting my teammates that they have our flag, and I was even shouting its location. Then, three of them came on a warthog, and killed and recaptured our flag. 3 seconds later, someone shouted that they have our flag.

O_o dude...im standing on TOP of our flag. Its at our base. Im fairly certain that they dont have the flag.

thubby

2007-11-08, 06:02 PM

"you always find things in the last place you look for them" i had to restrain myself from hitting him.:smallfurious:

evisiron

2007-11-08, 08:22 PM

"you always find things in the last place you look for them" i had to restrain myself from hitting him.:smallfurious:

Yeah, I love that one. I continue looking for things after I find them sometimes, just to ruin that phrase.

As for ones I have heard...

Argh! Brain freeze. I know I have heard a bunch, but I cannot remember them. I sometimes do a little 'Captain Obvious' impression and go FFssshhh (flies away) if its a really good one.

I shall return!

Cyrano

2007-11-08, 08:41 PM

"what do you mean, you play 'till your arm aches? Doesn't that hurt?"

Midnight Son

2007-11-09, 12:09 AM

All I could think was: "Really? You thought I wouldn't expect that?" and of course, "Maintain eye contact." (she was leaning on the table doing the whole maximum exposure thing)
Why? If a girl is going for maximum exposure, she wants you to look. I always feel it is my duty as a man to oblige as often as possible.

And ladies, if you don't want a guy staring at your cleavage, don't expose it.

And guys, if the goods are put away, don't stare at them.

Vella_Malachite

2007-11-09, 12:18 AM

I quite liked these two...

1) Friend One: "I'm going to my cousin's 21st on the weekend!"
Friend Two: "Really? How old's she turning?":smallamused:

2) Friend: *at sign next to river* "Pffft! 'Don't jump into river'! What kind of a fool would be stupid enough to jump into a river if they were likely to injure themselves?"
Friend's Mum: "[insert friend's name here]! The kayak's slipping out to the middle of the river!"
Friend: *jumps in river* *does soft tissue damage to knee*:smalleek:

Setra

2007-11-09, 12:44 AM

"The hot chocolate is hot"

Bonus: It was still bubbling, let alone steaming

Mordan

2007-11-09, 12:50 AM

Zeb The Troll

2007-11-09, 04:57 AM

I'm still in shock over the old woman who took the lid off her McDonald's coffee which is advertised on the signs as Hot Coffee, and has always had a warning on the cup AND lid that said "Caution, contents are hot" then sued and won McDonalds because she burnt herself on it.Unless you're talking about a different case than the one I'm thinking of (http://lawandhelp.com/q298-2.htm), I'm not so sure that that's a good example. Part of the reason she won, which is often overlooked or not known, is because at the time McDonald's was serving its coffee upwards of 20 degrees hotter than anyone else (around 195oF if I remember right) and that the plaintiff suffered third degrees burns on her lap and bottom. Not to mention that McDonald's had already settled nearly 700 similar cases out of court, so they knew their coffee temperature was problematic. She even said that she wouldn't have sued except that the big M only offered her $800 to cover skin grafts and two years of follow up treatment. Even when she did sue, she only asked for $20K. It was the jury that decided on the sum of $2.9 million (which the judge later reduced to around half a million).

and [grammar nitpick] - she didn't win McDonald's. She either sued McDonald's and won, or she sued and won money from McDonald's.[/nitpick]

Glaivemaster

2007-11-09, 05:44 AM

Heh, I remember a good one I keep mocking my girlfriend with. She likes to eat ice straight away when she's finished a drink, rather than let it melt or just leave it completely. One time she did it (not even the first time either), she immediately said: "Argh, this is cold!"

I can see myself laughing at her for that for a long time still

Death, your friend the Reaper

2007-11-09, 05:50 AM

Well, this one time my mate finished talking to a girl who had been yelling at him, and he goes "Gee that was unreasonable".

And the person yelling was female.

He sure says the most obvious things sometimes. :smallwink:

Gungnir

2007-11-09, 09:19 AM

Last year I went to see Stranger Than Fiction with my girlfriend. At one point Will Ferrell's character brings the default love interest (a baker) a box filled with little paper bags. When she asks what they are, he says, "I brought you some flours."

Of course, this went ENTIRELY over my head, out of the park, and into the parking lot where my girlfriend was waiting to catch it. I still have yet to live it down, mostly because I'm normally the one responsible for coming up with face-melting puns.

Jack Squat

2007-11-09, 09:34 AM

Unless you're talking about a different case than the one I'm thinking of (http://lawandhelp.com/q298-2.htm), I'm not so sure that that's a good example. Part of the reason she won, which is often overlooked or not known, is because at the time McDonald's was serving its coffee upwards of 20 degrees hotter than anyone else (around 195oF if I remember right) and that the plaintiff suffered third degrees burns on her lap and bottom. Not to mention that McDonald's had already settled nearly 700 similar cases out of court, so they knew their coffee temperature was problematic. She even said that she wouldn't have sued except that the big M only offered her $800 to cover skin grafts and two years of follow up treatment. Even when she did sue, she only asked for $20K. It was the jury that decided on the sum of $2.9 million (which the judge later reduced to around half a million).

and [grammar nitpick] - she didn't win McDonald's. She either sued McDonald's and won, or she sued and won money from McDonald's.[/nitpick]

Actually, to debate the coffee being too hot aspect, it was still within the reccommended limits of the National Coffee Association (between 195 and 205 F when brewed, kept at 180-185 F) source (http://www.ncausa.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=71).

On the money aspect, she won $160,000 in compensatory damages and $480,000 in punitive damages. Also an unknown settlement to keep the case from being appealed.

Plus, she happened to place the cup inbetween her legs when prying off the lid, not exactly the smartest area to keep a known hot substance.

Emrylon

2007-11-09, 11:34 AM

'Hey you've had a hair cut'

LCR

2007-11-09, 11:39 AM

Cyrano

2007-11-09, 11:40 AM

starbucks is odd. "The beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot", right? But what if I hate it? Does that cool it down, or are they just liars?

LCR

2007-11-09, 11:44 AM

I think they use "enjoy" as a euphemism for "drink".
But they're also liars.

Pyrian

2007-11-09, 05:49 PM

starbucks is odd. "The beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot", right? But what if I hate it? Does that cool it down, or are they just liars?
Why would you pay that much money for a beverage you aren't even going to enjoy? Sure, it's an assumption, but at their markup, it's not all that unreasonable. :smallcool:

Speaking of expensive drinks, I've been going to this one Jamba Juice since before it was even called that (back when it was Juice Club), well over ten years now. They take down your name when you place your order and call it out when your order is ready. Generally, all the employees know the names of regulars after a bit... That, and habit, led one young woman (who'd been working there for several years) to ask me, "Can I have your name please, Michael?" "Umm... Bob."

Koreku

2007-11-09, 07:00 PM

I have a few of them. They're not my personal stories, but they are funny all the same.

There's this chinese food TV dinner that says, on the bottom, "Do not turn upside down"

There's a hair dryer that says "Do not use while Sleeping"

There's a bulldozer that says "Recomended that children under 5 do not use"

Oh, and then this one happened to a friend. He took an airplane from here to California, but when he got there he realized he left his luggage back at the other airport. He informed an employee about it, and she lead him into her office, told him to sit, sat down in a desk across from him, and said "Okay, so did your flight leave yet?" That's just sad. :smallfrown:

I know this is kind of off topic but it got me thinking of all these funny names and signs. My two favorites that I've seen for names are "Moe Lester" and the dentist "Docter D. Cay". I actually know both of these people. I also saw this sign that said "Entrance only do not enter", and another one printed on a wall that said "Please do not hump under any circumstances". It meant to say jump, obviously, because the letters are right next to each other, but it's still funny. :smallbiggrin:

[Insert Neat Username Here]

2007-11-09, 07:07 PM

Ipod shuffle instructions say "do not eat the Ipod Shuffle."

Syka

2007-11-09, 08:10 PM

I remember a memorable one on my last birthday. Keep in mind, I'm 20. My mom has been wishing me happy birthdays every year for the last 20 years on the same day, which is a week after my sisters birthday.

She wakes me up with Happy Birthday, yada yada yada.

Couple hours later she's going through the pantry looking for any canned goods that might have expired, while I'm sitting in the living room just a little bit away, "(insert my name here), what is today's date?"

"*pause stare shock* Mom, it's my BIRTHDAY!"

"*pause* Oh my god, I'm sorry!" I still haven't let her live that down 6 months later and probably won't. :smallamused:

Cheers,
Syka

Icewalker

2007-11-10, 05:12 PM

;3492593']Ipod shuffle instructions say "do not eat the Ipod Shuffle."

Best yet. Definitely.

...Huh, can't think of any that I've heard though. I should.

Green Bean

2007-11-10, 05:20 PM

"It isn't that dangerous. Relax. Death'll be the last thing that would happen to you."

Fax Celestis

2007-11-10, 05:52 PM

Instructions on a package of Chinese-manufactured cutlery: "Do not put in children." :smalleek:

Occasional Sage

2007-11-11, 08:28 PM

Instructions on a package of Chinese-manufactured cutlery: "Do not put in children." :smalleek:

That there is why translations should be reviewed by native-"to"-speakers.

Dragonrider

2007-11-11, 08:34 PM

Oh, there are plenty of Chinese warnings like that.

I still remember what my cousin said...

"I'm so hungry, I could eat!"

My calculus teacher has a great joke for that: Whenever we come across a theorem which really states the obvious, he writes "ninety" in Persian up on the board: pronounced, "Noh dah"

No duh.

:smallwink:

averagejoe

2007-11-11, 08:42 PM

RTGoodman

2007-11-11, 08:58 PM

One of my little brother's friends was at our house at some point, and somehow the topic turned to snow. She proceeded to tell us "When I was born, there was three feet of snow on the ground! Do you know how much snow that is?"

VeisuItaTyhjyys

2007-11-11, 10:52 PM

Almost everyone I've met for the first time all throughout life has seen fit to point out that I'm tall. One would think that I would have thought of something witty to say by now, but, really, I'm mostly too disgusted to care anymore.
Say, "I'm sorry," it's how Raymond Chandler handled the situation.

rtg0922: Actually, you probably did not know how much snow that was; you did not know the surface area of land over which there was three feet, assumed average, of snow, or the density of that snow.

Gungnir

2007-11-11, 11:18 PM

Almost everyone I've met for the first time all throughout life has seen fit to point out that I'm tall. One would think that I would have thought of something witty to say by now, but, really, I'm mostly too disgusted to care anymore.
I feel your pain, man. I'm 6'6" myself, and sometimes even my friends will just randomly blurt out "Gawd, you're tall!". They're not even joking, they're honestly surprised. I've just gotten so used to it, I didn't think to mention it.

Soups

2007-11-11, 11:34 PM

My last name is the same as a popular name brand of a company(can anyone guess it?)
It is Campbell
After I tell future employers or what not, they usually draw the connection pretty fast and make some random pun on my name. Then when they get to spelling my name, the promptly ask how my last name is spelled.:smallsigh: I wonder if people ever read what they eat sometimes. I'm confident you could sell a food called Br0knGlassss&Arsenic, and no one would be suspicious.

Edit: Holy Crack! I'm a halfling now! I feel so dextrious.

Ramebriz

2007-11-11, 11:37 PM

It had happen to me while I'm on the cafeteria and I'm doing homework. And then a friend arrives and say: Hello! What are you doing?

I just stare at he.

Or for example:

When you go inside a house and your friend look at you and say: Hi! You come!
I resist to say: NOOOO, I'm a F****** ghost!

Jack Squat

2007-11-11, 11:55 PM

averagejoe

2007-11-12, 12:00 AM

I feel your pain, man. I'm 6'6" myself, and sometimes even my friends will just randomly blurt out "Gawd, you're tall!". They're not even joking, they're honestly surprised. I've just gotten so used to it, I didn't think to mention it.

Haha, well, my friends are actually pretty cool about it, just because they're funny. For example, one makes a point of saying, "My god, you're HUGE," or something similar every time she sees me/corresponds in writing. another describes me as "freakishly tall" whenever introducing me to someone.

Dragonrider

2007-11-12, 10:46 AM

I got another this morning....my brother and I went outside and he was like:

"Whoa! It's warm out!"
I nodded. It was like 60F and it had been more like 30 the same time yesterday.
(three seconds later) "Dragonrider, it is really warm out!"
"I know," I said.
(a minute later) "I can't believe it's this warm!"
I exploded, "Do you think I can't tell it's warm either, or do you think I'm deaf, or what?!?!"

He's smart...so what was going through his head?!?! :smalltongue:

Argent

2007-11-12, 10:48 AM

My last name is the same as a popular name brand of a company(can anyone guess it?)
It is Campbell
After I tell future employers or what not, they usually draw the connection pretty fast and make some random pun on my name.

Much the same here; I share my last name with a (somewhat) popular brand of food in the US. When someone hears my last name, about 75% of the time, I hear, "Hey, like the <food item>, right?" Yeah, sure, if that was my family, I wouldn't be working for a living, pal.

Thes Hunter

2007-11-12, 11:36 AM

My first and last name are very similar to a Famous romance novelist's. So I have heard the line "You should write romance novels" countless times. :smallsigh:

Trog

2007-11-12, 12:31 PM

Me: I've met this girl online. I'm going to visit her.
Dad: Does she know you're bald?

Like there's this client who comes into my office and talks to me. Then says "I'll get out of your hair. :smallredface: Uh... I mean. Well not out of your hair... um..." *leaves*

It's all friggin hilarious. My hair was never my friend and I gotta be honest I'm glad it's gone. But it's funny to see people react to it sometimes. :smalltongue:

Eldred

2007-11-12, 12:45 PM

One of my all time favourites is:

"Peanuts - may contain nuts."

It only may contain nuts. Otherwise, it's just a bag of peas. :smallsmile:

Also, one of my friends is 6'11''.

Quincunx

2007-11-12, 02:39 PM

Gungnir

2007-11-12, 03:04 PM

We're not surprised, we 5'1/2"s have just learned to subvocalize the "dammit" bit.

Yea, my friends do have a tendency towards shortness. I've got three that are in the "Pick Up and Run Away With" size category.

averagejoe

2007-11-12, 03:12 PM

We're not surprised, we 5'1/2"s have just learned to subvocalize the "dammit" bit.

It's okay. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's not how tall you are on the outside, it's how tall you are on the inside.

Castaras

2007-11-12, 03:58 PM

On the Itunes rules thingy:

- You will not use this software to create nuclear or biological missiles.

...Well duh. Still haven't worked out how to make them with it... :smallsigh: :smalltongue: :smallwink:

Or another one, a friend was holding a jar in his hand. He looked around, and asked "Where's my jar gone?". Hilarious. :smallbiggrin:

Hmm. Someone's already mentioned the Peanuts one. Can't think of anything else.

Oh wait.

Me: "Yes, I don't like injections. Yes, I am kinda scared of medical stuff."
Friend: "So you're not going to become a doctor."

Yes, it was a joke. Still funny.

Setra

2007-11-13, 01:42 AM

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.

"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.

"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.

"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.

"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

Closet_Skeleton

2007-11-13, 06:59 AM

'Hey you've had a hair cut'

I get that even when I haven't had a hair cut.

Every 3 customers or so ask "are you twins?" or something similar. sometimes I just really want to bang my head against the register in hope that it'll help.

People used to do that to me and my brother. Except we aren't twins, he's a year and a half older than me.

starbucks is odd. "The beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot", right? But what if I hate it? Does that cool it down, or are they just liars?

Only if you're Sain of Killers.

Damn, I just made a referenance to a comic I haven't read again.

Serpentine

2007-11-13, 07:08 AM

One of my all time favourites is:

"Peanuts - may contain nuts."

It only may contain nuts. Otherwise, it's just a bag of peas. :smallsmile:Ah, but then, peanuts aren't nuts, they're legumes :smallwink:
On the other hand, the word contains nuts... You win.

Setra, the scary thing about that is they wouldn't have those tags on there unles SOMEONE HAD DONE THEM BEFORE :smalleek:

Ettlesby

2007-11-13, 07:15 AM

Instructions on a package of Chinese-manufactured cutlery: "Do not put in children." :smalleek:

Eh, I dunno, I think that's pretty good advice, myself.

Destro_Yersul

2007-11-13, 07:29 AM

My favourite was on a replacement wheel for a wheelbarrow: "Not for highway use"

Setra

2007-11-13, 10:06 AM

Ah, but then, peanuts aren't nuts, they're legumes :smallwink:
On the other hand, the word contains nuts... You win.

Setra, the scary thing about that is they wouldn't have those tags on there unles SOMEONE HAD DONE THEM BEFORE :smalleek:
Yeah I know

I swear, I'm curious as to whether or not I'm really human sometimes.

Gungnir

2007-11-13, 10:25 AM

Yeah I know

I swear, I'm curious as to whether or not I'm really human sometimes.

If I had wings and a tail, I'd probably start to question my humanity as well.

LazyJoe

2007-11-13, 11:32 AM

My last name is the same as a popular name brand of a company(can anyone guess it?)
It is Campbell
After I tell future employers or what not, they usually draw the connection pretty fast and make some random pun on my name. Then when they get to spelling my name, the promptly ask how my last name is spelled.:smallsigh: I wonder if people ever read what they eat sometimes. I'm confident you could sell a food called Br0knGlassss&Arsenic, and no one would be suspicious.

That's not quite as bad as having a second name like 'Hinds' (pronounced 'Heinz'). I swear, if I ever get another '54 varieties' joke...

On topic, I did see a sign in a shop once that said 'Christmas plates and bowels.'

Trog

2007-11-13, 01:04 PM

The visual representation indicating that one should NOT pull the vending machine on top of oneself.

Yeril

2007-11-14, 06:45 PM

Having long ginger hair, I get smart comments a few times a day from witty students passing by, these vary from "Your ginger." to "Woah you need a haircut, your hair is very long", and the one that is just so original that I would think that I DONT hear it every day "Are you a boy or a girl cus you have long hair."

Seriosly I don't know how they come up with this stuff :smallbiggrin:

Although all of this was worth it due to what some random kid said once.

"Hey, why do you look like a girl?"

to which I replied, "Well I suppose its because I have long hair, why?"

"urr you even sound like a girl."

"Who the hell have you been dating all your life?"

Dr. Bath

2007-11-14, 06:49 PM

Yes. Everyone is an idiot.

Hahahaha! Your Ginger, hahahaha! you look slightly different to me! I scorn you 'different boy'! Hurrr.

Serpentine

2007-11-14, 08:55 PM

Different Boy. Now there's a supersidekick if ever I heard one...
>ponders<

Syka

2007-11-14, 08:56 PM

I remember one that I, shamefully, did.

My friends and I were getting some subs and I started looking for my wallet in my purse, and realized it wasn't in there. So of course I'm freaking out (it has all my cash, my credit card, ID's, etc). I'm HALFWAY out to the car when I look down and realize...it's in my hand. I walked back inside and go "No mention of this will be made EVER."

My boyfriend was going to tease me about that until I remind him he had told me how he'd been looking for a saltshaker that was a foot in front of his eyes. We're a matched pair, I tell ya.

Cheers,
Syka

ForzaFiori

2007-11-14, 09:13 PM

i spent 10 minutes looking for the glasses I was WEARING at the time.

i felt so stupid.

and then a friend of mine and me were in the hallway at school, and were going opposite ways. we had been talking, so i'm standing in front of her. She grabs my arms and starts pushing me backwards (and resisting when i try to move to the sides to get out of the way) and then goes "Michael, move so i can get to my locker!" before she finally lets go of me so i can go. I still mess with her about that.

Gaelbert

2007-11-14, 09:27 PM

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

Actually, the quote is "Do not attempt to stop with hands or genitals.":smalleek:

Eldritch Knight

2007-11-14, 10:43 PM

I'm an identical twin, we work in the same grocery store since we share a car.

Every 3 customers or so ask "are you twins?" or something similar. sometimes I just really want to bang my head against the register in hope that it'll help.

Heh, tell me about it. My twin and I would walk down the hall of our high school, and there were always people who would ask that question.

Eventually, it grew so tempting to say something like - 'What are you talking about? There's only me.' (At the same time.)

Convincing people your twin doesn't exist is HIGHLY amusing..

Jack Squat

2007-11-14, 10:52 PM

I actually do that late at night...it's much easier to convince the people at 10:30 at night when they're hald-asleep.

Eldritch Knight

2007-11-14, 10:57 PM

Indeed.

We've currently started trying to convince people that we're a figment of each other's imagination. You'd be surprised at the reaction that gets..

Do you remember the 'Twinese' language, or so it would be called? Apparently my brother and I spoke it right up to when we learned English, and will sometimes drop into it without even knowing.

Jokes

2007-11-15, 12:08 AM

I recently had an unfortunate accident where a barbell came into contact with my face, hard, leaving a gash and a black eye (if I was taller, it could have taken out my eye). When I tell people what happened, the answer is always the same: "Wow, I bet that hurt."

Serpentine

2007-11-15, 02:31 AM

If we're talking about sheer dimness as well...

I once asked whether I should run next door to see if a friend was coming yet. When she was standing less than 2m away from me. In front of me.

My woodwork teacher once went around asking, "Has anyone seen my earplugs? Come on people, it's not funny. Speak up. Where are my earplugs?" Guess where they were. Of course, this is the guy who answered "Mr Miller, there's a dead bird flying around the room!" with "Leave the poor thing alone!" A nice teacher, but aging, half-deaf, a bit dim, and to top it all off, American (:smalltongue: nah, just made him easier to be made fun of by idiots).

Iudex Fatarum

2007-11-15, 11:35 AM

I've had some funny ones too.
I've spent this week a total of about 5 hours looking for a book that was on the floor of my room, of course thats more understandable when you consider that in my room i have pile of books everywhere, not large ones mind you but in arms reach of my bed i have about 70 books. most not clearly visible. What can I say, I'm a biblioholic.

Dragonrider

2007-11-15, 01:27 PM

I once turned around and tried to walk through a (closed) sliding glass door. Fast. I fell backwards and my grampa caught me. I cleared my head and was like "I can't believe I just did that!" And then I turned around and almost did it again.
ok, ok, it was past my bedtime and I was pretty young. :smalltongue: Also, at my house the glass always has too many fingerprints to make that mistake, and at my grandparents' they keep it clean.
Yeah, still dumb. :smallwink:

I've worn glasses since I was 9, and whenever I don't have them, I'm always trying to push them up and finding that they aren't there at all. Once I broke them and didn't have any for a week, and every 10 minutes I still found myself doing it.

I'm 5' 2 1/2", but everyone thinks I'm closer to 5'4" because of the way I carry myself...whenever I tell them my actual height, I get this stare and then "That's short!"
No duh.....

Pyrian

2007-11-15, 03:55 PM

I'm 5' 2 1/2", but everyone thinks I'm closer to 5'4" because of the way I carry myself...
Everyone looks taller while they're riding a dragon! :smalltongue:

Syka

2007-11-17, 12:39 AM

Oh, I've got a good one my boyfriend did last night.

Me: I want to say something but I'm missing one word, and without it it won't make sense.
Him: What's the word?
Me: *pause* If I knew, I wouldn't be struggling.
Him: ... You know what I meant, what's it mean?
Me: Oh...you aren't getting off that easy...

I teased him about that for a good five minutes. Admittedly it was about 12.30 at night after he'd been at work, but still...funny.

Cheers,
Syka

Extra_Crispy

2007-11-17, 02:43 AM

Ya a friend of mine is 6'11", we call him a mutant freek. I am not short either at 6'4" and get the "are you sure you are your fathers son" remark because he is 5'8" and my mother is 5'4". But I pulled a stupid when I found out how tall my friend's parents are. His mother is like 5'0" and his father is 5'6"-5'8".

Me: Wow, what are you adopted? (joking)
Him: Yes, yes I am.
Me: "Oh, let me go remove my foot from my mouth now"

In my own defence, even though I knew the guy for years before this conversation, I never knew the height of his parents and other than his mother being over protective they dont come up often. So I did not know he was adopted.

On a friend of mines 2nd Ed character sheet
Wand of residue (supposted to be wand of resurrection)
Axe of darf throwing (Axe of dwarf throwning)
Potion of sped (potion of speed)

So we had a potion that has already caused something to go fast, an axe that throws darfs (whatever they are) and a wand that gives a bathroom a bad day. :smallwink:

Sometimes I get questions about my scars, which does not bother me at all. BUT when people say "Did that hurt?" after I describe being electricuted, burned, spending 2 months in the hospital in which I got immune to moriphine, and over 8 months of physical therapy. Sometimes I just want to say "No not at all, it was actually very pleasent, and I will be doing it again next week"

My father and I sound almost identical over the phone. So much so that my sister was talking to my father and thought it was me. She had been talking for about 30-40 min and then asked him a computer question (my dad knows VERY little about computers), he responded with "I dont know why dont you ask Steven that?" she responded with "DAD?!?!?" It gets worse, my own mother did the same. I was talking to her and she thought it was my dad. I played along for a while realizing what was going on untill she said "Honey" which is what she calls my father, and I replied with "I know you think I am sweet MOM but..." and of course there was the "STEVEN?!?!?!"

Pyrian

2007-11-17, 03:56 AM

Axe of darf throwing (Axe of dwarf throwning)
That wasn't much of an improvement. What does it mean to "throwning" something? And was it really the cursed axe that throws (throwns) Dwarves (as opposed to the "Dwarven Thrower" which Dwarves throw?)

wadledo

2007-11-17, 04:26 AM

I own a giant lobster costume, and I rent myself out to charities and businesses occasionally, with the latest being me dancing on top of a bus as it drives around the local baseball field.
Now, I dressed up as the lobster for the entirety of homecoming week, and people still ask me two questions.
"That was you?"
"Are you insane?"
And while I can answer the first one, the other not so much.

Vella_Malachite

2007-11-17, 05:27 AM

I have commited a few of these heinous crimes against sanity myself. Two of the funniest, both on a camping trip.

1) *holds up key* "The bathroom door's locked. I can't get in."

2) "Mum, I only have seven dollar coins, not seven dollars!

*hides face in shame*:smallredface:

Extra_Crispy

2007-11-17, 05:35 AM

That wasn't much of an improvement. What does it mean to "throwning" something? And was it really the cursed axe that throws (throwns) Dwarves (as opposed to the "Dwarven Thrower" which Dwarves throw?)

Sorry very late/early here and I made a mistake. It was a Dwarven Thrower Axe.

Felixaar

2007-11-17, 07:56 AM

Almost everyone I've met for the first time all throughout life has seen fit to point out that I'm tall. One would think that I would have thought of something witty to say by now, but, really, I'm mostly too disgusted to care anymore.

Sorry to say im probably one of those people. Usually at work I'm like "Hi how can I help WOAH YOU'RE TALL!"

Jack Squat

2007-11-22, 08:10 PM

One my mom got at her work that I just was told about.

"If we put a suggestion box out, they'll just put in what they want."

...

...Ya think?

sapphail

2007-11-23, 09:44 AM

My own latest crime against clarity was to one-up mf11 - I spent a couple of minutes looking for the glasses that were sitting on my nose before leaning over and dropping them into one of the commercial ovens we have at work. Barely got them out before the lenses melted. Have also spent a minute or so irritatedly looking for a teaspoon that was in my hand.

Standing around the kitchen tonight waiting for service to start, talking about different countries:
Chef 1:...so then I spent a year in Hong Kong.
Me: Cool, do you speak the language? (Chef 1 is of Asian descent, at this point I didn't know where specifically)
Chef 2: What do they speak there, Orange?

He meant Mandarin. :smallbiggrin: We gave him crap for the rest of the night.

Archonic Energy

2007-11-23, 10:11 AM

I remember a memorable one ...

really?

i'd have thought if it had been memorable you would have forgot it!
:smallamused:

sapphail

2007-11-23, 10:15 AM

Another, sadly very frequent, one from work:

Customer: Whole fish... is that like the whole fish? :smallmad:

Sceoter

2007-11-23, 10:44 AM

hehe. i 'member this one where my dad when looking for this pencil that was in his hand the whole time before i asked him what he was looking for and pointed out where it was...

there's this other one where my dad and i are eating raisins. my mom picks up the bowl of raisins and eats a couple. my dad picks up his glass of water, thinking that it was the bowl of raisins my mom has in her hands, WHILE talking to her... and dumps the water onto his hand.
i couldn't stop laughing, it looked like he'd peed himself.

The Bushranger

2007-11-23, 12:39 PM

OK, here's two howlers I've come across in my twenty-something years.

A few months ago in the local Wal-Mart's deli section, they had a big, HUGE bin filled to the brim with peanuts. Now the sign on it reads:

PEANUTS

69¢/pound

ALLERGY ALERT

...yes, I know there are lots of people who are deathly allergic to peanuts. BUT, first of all, did they have to put "allergy alert" in the exact same HUGE type size as what the product was; and, more to the point:

1. If you're allergic to peanuts, and know it, you already know not to eat peanuts.
2. If you're allergic to peanuts, and don't know it, it's not going to help you, now is it?

But the real winner comes from the late 1980s, and a billboard on U.S. 19 in the Tampa Bay area.

Yellow billboard
Two rows of big, black letters, filling most of the billboard.

IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS
WE CAN HELP