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KittenMagician
2021-07-02, 08:53 PM
so i found via an app an item called the bag of wonderful randomness. the bag can be drawn from once every 7 days (roll a d100) getting a random thing out of the bag. the things in the bag range from useless, mundane, magical items, creatures, gag items, meta items, spells going off in your face, to just about anything you can think of. once a number is rolled the item for that number is replaced with something new. I was inspired by the Ninja sex party song the ultimate sandwich to add that to the bag. the only problem is im having trouble coming up with something satisfying for the results of eating it in one sitting. i want it to be hard to do, even deadly, but i want a comparable reward for succeeding. i will be sticking to the physical description of the sandwich found in the song:

Five feet high and three feet wide
No one's ever eaten the whole thing and survived
It comes with a bucket of ranch on the side

Its taste could drive a lesser man insane
Served on wheat bread made from thirty thousand separate grains
It was made by a demon in his kitchen of pain

It's a s#$t-ton of chicken, on a dickload of ham
An explosion of clams
Top that f$%&er with yams
Now just add panther, bear meat, and duck

The ultimate sandwich uses weapons-grade ham
To awaken your passions, make you feel like a man
It's as dense as an anvil and as big as a raft
sun-dried tomatoes
Topped with man's hottest peppers on the world's coldest cuts
bacon



deleted pretty much all the lyrics that didnt have to do with describing the sandwich itself.

so far i was thinking it would turn the person who eats it into a glass cannon (double primary stat but severely reduce max HP, lasts until death)

any suggestions would be appreciated.

BerzerkerUnit
2021-07-02, 11:16 PM
The Ultimate Sandwich
Very Rare, Consumable
You can attempt to eat the ultimate sandwich over the course of a short rest. Once you do you are committed to spending the full hour on the attempt even if there's something else you should do. At the end of your rest make a Constitution saving throw DC 20.
On a success you gain the benefit of Tenser's Transformation (no concentration) and Heroes' Feast with the maximum amount of Temporary Hit Points from each spell. Both effects end when you complete a long rest. On a fail you are reduced to 0 hit points, poisoned, and restrained until you complete a long rest.

Once while in this state another creature can use their action to vigorously squeeze you, creating a 30ft cone of wretched effluence that deals 18d6 Acid and Bludgeoning damage to every creature in the cone. The damage can be halved with a successful Dexterity save, DC 20.

Until consumed the Ultimate Sandwich can be used for myriad other purposes, such as cover or a floatation device (it's as big as a raft), temporary restraint (pinning target between the ****-ton of chicken and dickload of ham), etc.

This is not to be confused with the Broodwich, a similar meal of fiendish origins.

KittenMagician
2021-07-03, 01:41 AM
hot damn thats pretty good

Kriegspiel
2021-07-06, 05:17 PM
Sang to the tune of Grandma's Feather Bed?

BerzerkerUnit
2021-07-06, 09:22 PM
Sang to the tune of Grandma's Feather Bed?

Here is a youtube link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0e1au1JwQc) for the music video. It is... arguably SFW, but lyrics are not generally suitable for professional environments. I think the humor is ideal for 13+ but I'm not a parent and spent most of my youth alone, so I might not be the best reference.

I think NSP is hilarious but they're not for everyone.

Here's maybe their most recent video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIwI7Q1YDgs) which I regret not supporting when they had their pin sale. It slaps.