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detrevnisisiht
2007-11-25, 09:53 PM
ok so I am working with my dm in a homebrew setting, and we will be making costom classes for each player based on our backgrounds. this is my first draft of my background and I figured I would have a bunch of strangers nitpic my creativity to death before I handed it in so fire away


Leon was born to a pair of wanderers, one a merchant, the other a street performer. They traveled the roads between Shades Vale and Silverleaf twice a year, selling their wares. As Leon grew however he took after neither his mother nor father, though athletic like his mother he did not seek the performers lifestyle. All through his youth while his parents were at work, he was running through the fields or climbing trees in the woods, some even say that late at night he would dig holes with his bear hands. Everyone thought this was just a childish thing, but no for only Leon himself knows what was coursing through his mind those days. He was not simply running through a field, he was chasing a rabbit. he was not climbing a tree, but chasing the very birds in the sky. Then one day at the age of 14, he got his first kill, It was just small rabbit but still, the rush it sent through him was amazing. Without thinking he was soon eating his prize raw, bones and all. Midway through his meal he heard someone walking up behind him. He turned and saw his father, who called out “come Leon, it is time for din…” his words stopped as he saw what was left of the rabbit in his sons hands. First horror than anger crossed his face as he turned and yelled “Monster! My son is a monster! We must sla…” before he could finish, Leon rushed and hit him in the chest. Leon watched as his father fall and hit his head on the ground, neck twisted beyond livingly possible. Leon was soon surrounded by the 18 or so people that lived in the small town they had camped in today. But Leon knew none of this he only knew that if he could kill a grown man with a single punch than surely he must be better than man, something more primal and strong. He lifted his father above his head and turned to his mother and said in a voice that barely sounded human and said “know this ‘mother’”and he said mother so very sarcastically “I know now that I am better than you, my father tried to kill me and I returned the gesture in kind and now he is dead, go on with your life so restricted with the bonds of man and I will go to what has been my true home my whole life” with this he dropped the corpse of his father and ran into the woods, though many of the men chased him none came close. He spent the next several years hunting and honing his skills, largely avoiding human settlements except to enjoy a night at the tavern where he drinks the edge off of his hunting instincts. While constantly looking out for people who are worthy of entering his pack. It was happenstance that on the night of wellos the 14th he was in Silverleaf enjoying the bliss of good ale.

Prometheus
2007-11-25, 10:08 PM
Backstory: It seems a little random that the character become bloodthirsty and brutal with very little provocation or inclination, perhaps a better reason would lead to a deeper character. Second, for considerations in a party, you will have to consider why he will consider working with someone and how he will be able to adventure without dragging down all the other players.

Character approaches: There are a couple that are well suited for the approach already - Ranger with favored enemies (his own race or the most popular race) who would be the perfect hunter, Barbarians who are all around savage brutes, Rogues who are most effective against humanoids and can hide easily, and Blackguards, who delight in evil. A multi class with any of these would be more than fitting. Presitge classes Outlaw of the Crimson road, Foehunter, Bloodhound, and Fist of Hextor seem like logical progressions as well.
What if anything you seem to be missing is that your character wouldn't gain any particular benefit from random slaughter, would be just as good at hunting non-humanoids, and wouldn't have a reason to be evil
There is a lot of good stuff in Book of Vile Darkness and Libris Mortis that would help with especially evil classes and races. My particular favorite would be the turn-your-character-into-a-ghoul class in Libris Mortis, especially if you are becoming cannibalistic. Alternatively, Unearthed Arcana has very simple Demon and Devil bloodlines, or you could be a Tiefling from the basic Monster Manual (although that would mean your character is adopted or is manifesting wild evil that your parents apparently repressed)

Xaros
2007-11-25, 10:12 PM
What is the PC's class, out of curiosity?

As far as the background goes, it's decent, but it seems a bit implausible, though that may be my personal style interfering with my reading. I'm a bit stuck on the father's reaction - is he really intent on killing his own child for eating a rabbit raw? It just seems extreme. Also a bit much is Leon's father's death scene. Of course, if the family is evil-aligned (Leon certainly seems to be), it makes more sense.

When I'm making up a PC background (or, in my current game, NPC backgrounds), I try to limit the amount of detail. This may seem a bit counterintuitive, but it keeps the volume of text to a minimum while adding as many relevant events as possible. The first third or so of your background does this very well. I get a feel for the character without being deluged.

I'd mention the rabbit scene, but summarize the action. "His animalistic act horrified his parents and other townsfolk. When his father moved to protect his wife, Leon saw aggression - he pounced. His father struck his head on the ground and died instantly. Leon barely reacted, instead smirking. He was the stronger, and deserved to live. Weakness deserved death."

Or something like that. Leaving out the exact words means that you can change the character a bit later as he evolves. For example, maybe Leon later feels remorse. Maybe it's exactly the opposite, and he regrets not taking out the villagers too. A little ambiguity is a good thing.

EDIT: Ah. Custom classes. What are the restrictions, in that case?

Jannex
2007-11-25, 11:02 PM
I agree with Xaros; you've got the seeds of an interesting story here, but the details need some work, especially the characters' motivations.

Perhaps, when the father finds him, his initial revulsion is quickly followed by concern--he thinks his son is ill, or maybe even possessed. He tries to coax the boy to come back to the village with him, where he can be examined by a priest. Leon might react poorly to the implication that there's something wrong with him, that he's defective, weak--and that's when he lashes out at his father, in blind anger. Perhaps Leon is surprised, afraid of what has just happened, and runs off into the wilderness, only later to rationalize his act of murder as a triumph of his strength over his father's weakness. Maybe then he immerses himself even more deeply in his feral nature, to justify his act of kinslaying. He hides in the wilderness for weeks, months, never straying too near civilization until he's far away from anywhere that has heard of his parents. His mother assumes both he and her husband were killed by wild beasts, and Leon is mourned alongside his father.

AslanCross
2007-11-25, 11:06 PM
The following are the issues I can see:

1. It's hard to believe that anyone would suddenly turn feral and savage just by successfully hunting a rabbit. Unless he's a Tanarruk or some other race twisted with demonic influence.

2. The dad's reaction is implausible as well. You raised your son for 14 years and all of a sudden you want to kill him for eating a rabbit raw?

Anyway, try to think of reasons why a normally rational person would want to turn his back on civility. Perhaps civilization fails him somehow? Why does he feel the need to become a wild animal?

puppyavenger
2007-11-25, 11:12 PM
2. The dad's reaction is implausible as well. You raised your son for 14 years and all of a sudden you want to kill him for eating a rabbit raw?


Well considering how many evil races have hybrid templates...

detrevnisisiht
2007-11-26, 06:35 PM
2nd draft (added to middle to make less sporadic)

Leon was born to a pair of wanderers, one a merchant, the other a street performer. They traveled the roads between Shades Vale and Silverleaf twice a year, selling their wares. As Leon grew however he took after neither his mother nor father, though athletic like his mother he did not seek the performers lifestyle. All through his youth while his parents were at work, he was running through the fields or climbing trees in the woods, some even say that late at night he would dig holes with his bear hands.

Everyone thought this was just a childish thing, but no for only Leon himself knows what was coursing through his mind those days. from the beginning he had been different; always liking his food better raw. prone to angry outbursts, and a unbearable need to dominate over his peers. as a young boy, before he learned to keep himself in check around his parents, he would act so barbaric and animal like, eating food like a wolf , and beating the children in the towns they passed by to near death, that his father thought him to be a monster;When garlic, and holy water did him no avail however, he dismissed those thoughts. through his next years Leon learned to act like other children so his parents wouldn't disown him. but from them on he trained in hunting using his beast like talents, because he knew one day he would have to leave his family, because the would not ever let him live if they knew his true nature. with this knowledge he grew to hate them more every day, he grew to hate their civilized ways, knowing they were not his own. soon he began to crave the day when he could leave them, but he was not so brash as to leave before he was ready, he knew he would have to be able to hunt on his own to survive.so through all that time away from his parents,he was not simply running through a field, he was chasing a rabbit. he was not climbing a tree, but chasing the very birds in the sky.

Then one day at the age of 14, he got his first kill, It was just small rabbit but still, the rush it sent through him was amazing. Without thinking he was soon eating his prize raw, bones and all. Midway through his meal he heard someone walking up behind him. He turned and saw his father, who called out “come Leon, it is time for din…” his words stopped as he saw what was left of the rabbit in his sons hands. First horror than anger crossed his face "So you have fooled me all these years, i should have killed you when i first suspected you of being a monster"he said, then he turned and yelled “Monster! My son is a monster! We must sla…” before he could finish, Leon rushed and hit him in the chest. Leon watched as his father fall and hit his head on the ground, neck twisted beyond livingly possible. Leon was soon surrounded by the 18 or so people that lived in the small town they had camped in today. But Leon knew none of this he only knew that if he could kill a grown man with a single punch than surely he must be better than man, something more primal and strong. He lifted his father above his head and turned to his mother and said in a voice that barely sounded human and said “know this ‘mother’”and he said mother so very sarcastically “I know now that I am better than you, my father tried to kill me and I returned the gesture in kind and now he is dead, go on with your life so restricted with the bonds of man and I will go to what has been my true home my whole life” with this he dropped the corpse of his father and ran into the woods, though many of the men chased him none came close. He spent the next several years hunting and honing his skills, largely avoiding human settlements except to enjoy a night at the tavern where he drinks the edge off of his hunting instincts. While constantly looking out for people who are worthy of entering his pack. It was happenstance that on the night of wellos the 14th he was in Silverleaf enjoying the bliss of good ale.



sorry i seem to forget that my readers can read behind the lines to the pages of history that i find irrelevant but thanks for the help keep it coming


and note at we will have custom classes, we will work with the dm after the character concept is done and we are also 1st level. i have know idea what the real mechanics behind the character will be so don't ask



To Xaros: no our dm wants as much detail as possible this is mostly rp game and he need to know that we can spin a story that realy gets you into it. (oh yea this is a PBP game if that helps)

Mewtarthio
2007-11-26, 07:40 PM
Could you insert a few paragraph breaks in there? It's kind of hard to read right now.

detrevnisisiht
2007-11-27, 09:16 PM
*hits forum with the mighty Bump Hammer*

ReluctantReaper
2007-11-27, 09:19 PM
isnt that slightly the signs of a sociopath? The whole rabbit thing?

not in a negative way, but your guy is crazy. It's pretty cool, i like the backstory, wonder exactly what the class would be. Anyways seems pretty good

Jannex
2007-11-27, 09:41 PM
I'm still not sure about the father's reaction. What's his alignment supposed to be? If he's anywhere near Good, it seems like he'd be more inclined to try to help or cure his son, rather than think of him as a "monster" and try to kill him. Many parents tend to believe their children are basically good, unless presented with extreme evidence to the contrary. (If he found Leon crouched over a toddler, rather than a rabbit, then it might make more sense, but I'm not sure if that's a direction you want to go...)

illathid
2007-11-27, 09:49 PM
How committed are you to the whole rabbit thing? Because according to this list (http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0004737.html) a white tail deer is actually slower than a rabbit, and is only a little bit faster than an average human. So in my opinion, a deer would be more realistic for the kill than a rabbit.

Also, if your trying to play up the whole feral aspect, seeing a big eyed doe savagely eaten seems more horrific than a little rabbit. It would have more blood (always a plus :smallbiggrin:), and it still maintains the whole "cute & furry animal" feel.

Anyways, that's my recommendation.

detrevnisisiht
2007-11-28, 08:14 PM
actualy some rabbits can hop-run at 40mph for short distances. another thing that makes them hard to catch is that they can and will hear you coming and they are never farther than a sprint of a rabbit hole. you would have to run faster and quieter to catch a rabbit than you would a dear (which shows his skill and skill>bloodbath) EDIT: also dear will stay out of the open veiw when there is no dear seson and the deer are constaly being eaten, they arnt that stupid

to Jannex: his father is a rather self serving TN to LN (was never stated out)
and do to the fact that he had thought his son was a moster before, it was not hard to push him over the edge.

To ReluctantReaper: yes crazy would describe him well, what i like about my writing style is that there is no pattern or anything of the sort, i just think of a semi-unique starting sentence and write there is never any preplaning and i only know what i am going to write a word or 2 ahead of were i am. thats what makes it fun.:smallsmile: