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Wraithy
2007-12-01, 02:32 PM
Today my group gained a new player, considering the mistakes we all make in our first sessions, he caught on very quickly, but the highlight of the session was his following response:

DM: roll a survival check
New Guy: But I'm alive!

considering the material you can find en mass (best RPG quotes lists etc.) its not that funny, but most of those quotes were probably never said.

what are the funniest quotes that have actually been said in your gaming sessions?

Corinthus
2007-12-01, 02:35 PM
"I don't know what she's casting, but its a full round spell, so its probably bad. Let me Rephrase: THE UNARMED WOMAN! SHOOT THE UNARMED WOMAN!"

Ganurath
2007-12-01, 02:36 PM
DM: Alright, the leprechaun is willing to grant you a single wish. What do you wish for?
Player A: Alright, guys, how do want to use-
Player B: I wish you were dead!
DM: ...The leprechaun dies.
Player A: ...I'll use a spontaneous inflict on [Player B].

Leadfeathermcc
2007-12-01, 02:41 PM
DM: Off in the distance you hear a splash.

Player: Does it sound like a threatening splash?

littlechicory
2007-12-01, 02:52 PM
"How do you hear Drow Sign Language?!"

"Well, maybe if they're old and arthritic you can hear their joints pop?"

Adumbration
2007-12-01, 02:58 PM
Upon encountering the toilet of the goblin lair.

Player: I do a search check.
DM: ... It's a goblin toilet. Are you sure you want to search there? The bottom of the pit is and full of... You know what.
Player: Oh. All right then, I'll do a spot check.
DM: Sigh. Fine, you see that the bottom of the pit is dark, and you can't quite make out any details. Want to look deeper into it?
Player: .... No. Aww, there's not even a magazine?

Actually the player was me. :smallredface: This was our, what, second? session, and I was doing it for the joke of it, anyway. I can't swear, though, that this is accurate to the word, I've been trying to forget about it.

CrazedGoblin
2007-12-01, 03:03 PM
DM: roll a survival check
New Guy: But I'm alive!

that was so great :smallbiggrin:

rollfrenzy
2007-12-01, 03:05 PM
"I cut the Rope."

Not great in itself, but the story is awesome.

It was a large group of like eight or nine pc's in an ongoing campiagn. It tended to get dominated by the louder or more outgoing players/ characters.

There was one guy who was pretty quiet.

Well the party Thief (ninja) screwed us over and we had caught him. We dangeld him over a cliff in order to prevent escape while the whole party argued about what to do with him. In the midst of nine characters arguing and a semi trial, the words...

"I cut the rope" in a quiet calm collected tone.

from the quietest kid in the room cut through the chaos.

*****

Shocked silence then hilarity ensues.

Balkash
2007-12-01, 03:13 PM
DM: The Vampiress looks at you with a hungry look in her eyes.
Bard: Oh, well, the character sheet says Perform is charisma based, and I've got a +5 on charisma, so I'll Perform(striptease).
DM: Uhh. You know, she isn't-
Bard: Not her style then? Fine, be a stone cold bitch.
DM: ...

Fiery Diamond
2007-12-01, 03:35 PM
They're in my sig, but I'll repeat them in context.

Situation: The party sorcerer had just bluffed his way in to the mayor's mansion in order to get information from the mayor, so the sorcerer was alone.
Me (the DM): In front of you is the door to the mayor's study. It's a large double-door of thick wood covered with fancy intricate designs in thin gold plating.
Sorcerer: I appraise the door.

Situation 2: In the middle of a battle with a wizard several levels higher than the party (there were 8 people in the party) the bard has sneaked off to the side where the chest of drawers is. After situating himself behind it, he attempts to hack in through the back with his dagger. After a couple turns:
Bard: Since it's helpless, can I use coupe de grace?
Me (DM): No, you can not coupe de grace a piece of furniture!

Situation 3: Inside a dungeon, the party is in a room with multiple metal and glass chandeliers. The sorcerer decides to attack the chain holding the chandelier up with a scorching ray to make it melt and bring down the chandelier. Party, anticipating broken glass flying everywhere, runs for cover, except for the sorcerer, monk, and rogue.
Monk: I declare dodge on the chandelier.

I love my party.

- Fiery Diamond

Grim Greyscale
2007-12-01, 04:07 PM
A-HA! Finally, another of these topics. I have a few I'd been saving for this.

Thodrain: HAET N LOETH.

This one occured... a lot. It's his saying, used when something bad happens to him, and when something good subsequently happens to someone else.

DM: Roll Fort save
Orlok: [1d20+2 = 3]
Orlok: AMBULANCE!

Thankfully this was just very strong ale. He was entirely incapable of making the save, anyway. I don't know why he ordered the strongest dwarven ale in the inn.

DM: D'ye go east or south, dammit?
Thodrain: East.
Orlok: South.
DM: Hm.
DM: I suppose that achieves... nothing?
Zangetsu: NORTH!
Orlok: WEST!
Thodrain: West!
DM: ...You just came from north. Nothing thar but a cultist base.
DM: And the cultist base has no way out.
Thodrain: By your powers combined, I am Captain Direction!

They tried to phase through the walls later in that adventure. It, unsurprisingly, didn't work.

DM: You are overestimating the frog.

The story behind this one is interesting. When they entered some room in the dungeon they were in, I mentioned a frog offhandedly, and, seeing as the dungeon had been far easier than expected so far, I made the frog try to poison one of them, to shake everything up. During the ensuing battle of horrible tactics, bad use of a small room, and really crappy rolls on the part of the party (combined with good ones from me), a tiny CR 1/8th frog nearly took out the party wizard. To this day, he believes that it was some magic demon-frog or something.

Warforged: WARFORGED!
DM: ...
DM: Are you some kind of PokeWarforged?
DM: Who can only say their own name?
Warforged: Yes

This mode of speech was later abandoned in favour of speaking in a manner somewhat similar to HK-47.

sophosbarbaros
2007-12-01, 04:17 PM
I dont' think I have posted this one here yet.

a while back my wife showed interest in playing with my group. I was helping her with her first character, really starting off basic.

me: well, lets choose your race. You can be human. Or you can be something else, think Lord of the Rings (which she had seen and loved)a dwarf, or elf, or....
wife: elf! please elf!
me: ok, well now we are going to pick your class...
wife: upper!

The Extinguisher
2007-12-01, 04:50 PM
DM: Okay, so the guy is knocked down the the ground.
Rogue: I run up to him and shoot him with my crossbow.
Cleric: Stop! Don't kill him.
Rogue: Yeah! Natural 20! I got him ...wait, what did you say?

DM: You attempt to open the door, but the stone gargolyes shake slightly.
Bard: Oh crap. Oh crap. What are we going to do. We can't take out gargoyles! They're made of stone!
Gnome NPC: Are you guys for real. *he takes a stick and wacks the gargoyles to the floor. They shatter*
Bard: That works to.

Cleric: Don't worry! I'm coming to heal you!
Bard: I'm a bard. I'm about as usfull to this fight as a slice of moldy bread. How about you help the Psi Warrior whose brain matter is leaking on the floor over there. He kind of needs it, don't you think?

PsyBlade
2007-12-01, 05:02 PM
^: That Bard's dump stat wasn't Int. ... Was it?

Somebloke
2007-12-01, 05:06 PM
"This! (spank) is how (spank) we deal (spank) with people (spank) who consort with demons!" (spank)

With the flat of a claymore no less.

ReluctantReaper
2007-12-01, 05:08 PM
Alright I dont know exactly if its a best player quote but

We are on a ship

NPC Pirate: After stealing my rouge's items runs and jumps grabbing a rope swings off the boat, and turns around going right into the port hole.

Now for this to happen the Dm rolled a nat 20 on his use rope check, so I look over at him and say, I do the same thing

Me: I run jump grab a rope..and roll a natural 20, and do the exact same thing, and go in the exact same hole. Getting inside, the Npc looks at me, cries in fear, and then surrenders, before I take him to the capitan.

Vael Nir
2007-12-01, 05:52 PM
The sorceress, an arrogant bitch, is showing us around her tower. We get to the top of the tower.

Sorceress: This is my summoning circle. Beautiful, isn't it?
Party: Uhh... we guess so.
Sorceress: Now I just need a spell to protect it from the elements... something to ward off rain and snow... I wonder what I'd need for that...
Fighter: How 'bout a roof?

hilarity ensued.

Yeril
2007-12-01, 06:03 PM
The Pc's had been scouting through the sewers to find a theives guild, since it was known that bandits had been using them to get around, the party split up (3 players had to leave, but 2 could stay for longer so the Barbarian and Ranger got a short adventure), they found a secret (but trapped) passage.


DM; the floor tilts and drops out beneath you, failing to grab onto anything you both slide down the shute for a short time until you land in what seems to be a makeshift cell. Take 1d6 non-leathal damage.

Barbarian; Okay, what can I see in the room?

DM; The bars of the cage are greatly rusted, some even missing or replaced with make-shift wooden bars, the room is filled with crates and barrels which makes it appear this room is some sort of storage room, Light is flickering underneath the door in the room, and you can faintly hear voices.

Barbarian; "Hm, we must be in some underground hideout, maybe we found the theives guild." I take out my dagger and carefuly begin sawing and chipping away at the rusted bars to try and not make much noise

Ranger; I look around the cell and say "Your taking too long, lets just smash the bars in and escape!"

Barbarian; "SHhh!"

DM; The cell seems to be very basic, the smell of the rat-infested, half decayed hay-bed is only overpowered than the pungent stench from the bucket in the corner.

Ranger; I look in the bucket

DM; The bucket seems to be about half filled with slimey, pungent refuse from whatever prisoner was previously here.

Ranger; Okay I pick the bucket up and Ill use it to smash the rusted bars down! *rolls a strength check*

Barbarian; o.0

DM; 0.o

Ranger; So do I break the cell

Dm; Uhh... Yeah, With a loud crash, the bucket smashes against the cell bars and knocks them down, however the contents of the bucket shower you, the barbarian, and half the room in decade old urine and faeces, well done.

Ranger; Wait What?

Barbarian; Ughh! Ill kill you!

I love this scene because the barbarian is quiet and clever, and the ranger is reckless and stupid.

Karsh
2007-12-01, 06:12 PM
I'm the monk in this one. After several fights in a rather interesting dungeon in which the elven Bladesinger repeatedly critically fumbled his attack rolls and chucked his greatsword at my LN Monk/Ninja of the Crescent Moon (this was in 3.0), this scenario occurred. We knew there was some manner of a White Dragon in the next room, and we didn't even have to fight it, but our thirst for treasure won out and we buffed the Paladin with Stoneskin and Protection from Cold and sent him in first. The dragon heard us planning, though, and slammed the door shut. After we bashed the door down, we charge in:

DM: As you enter the next room, you see [Paladin] fighting a Large White Dragon. , it's your turn.
[B]Bladesinger: I attack and... critically fumble.
DM: Karsh, what's your AC?
Me: Eigh-- wait, I designate him for my Dodge bonus!

acgabs
2007-12-01, 06:18 PM
One of our first attempts at RPGs, pretty much everyone on the table figuered it out eventually, except this one guy. He was totally at loss. 3rd session with him:

Player: "Well.. what do I do now?"

DM: "You can do whatever you want, really.."

Player: "I dig a hole."

DM: "What? You're standing on a huge plains stretching several hundred miles with no landmarks whatsoever.."

Player: "I dig a hole. Maybe I'll find a treasure chest..."

wadledo
2007-12-01, 06:29 PM
The shapeshifter (don't remember exactly what kind) had just transformed into everything imaginable to prove s/he could, and his latest form was female.

My mephling bard said: "If the shows over and your done playing with yourself, I'm going."
Other players: *Stunned silence*
Me: *What? He's a professional undergarment stealer!*

The game collapsed shortly after, but it was still hilarious.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-12-01, 07:41 PM
DM: You are overestimating the frog.

The story behind this one is interesting. When they entered some room in the dungeon they were in, I mentioned a frog offhandedly, and, seeing as the dungeon had been far easier than expected so far, I made the frog try to poison one of them, to shake everything up. During the ensuing battle of horrible tactics, bad use of a small room, and really crappy rolls on the part of the party (combined with good ones from me), a tiny CR 1/8th frog nearly took out the party wizard. To this day, he believes that it was some magic demon-frog or something.

It did NOT 'nearly take me out'.
It dealt two CON damage.

Granted, I did run away.

...Even though that's only 1/7 of my healths.

Jade_Tarem
2007-12-01, 07:52 PM
The ones I can remember recently:

Situation - Temple of Elemental Evil. The "wire" room. Our rogue is attempting to cut a mithril wire, but couldn't quite get the damage right.

*after a while of argument*
Rogue - and that's why it's 30 damage!
DM - How are you getting 30 damage out of a d4 + strength?
Rogue - It's a +1 keen holy dagger!
DM - IT'S NOT AN EVIL WIRE!

*a player managed to bury himself and most of the party in a web of lies to the authorities. after a while, the paladin managed to spring them, but the player (a warforged monk) that the rogue started the lies to save died anyhow*

Rogue - Look, I was trying to help him!
Paladin - And I'm sure all 17 pieces of him are grateful for it!

DraPrime
2007-12-01, 08:24 PM
"What do you mean I'm not allowed to break out of prison and kill guards?"

Promptly said by my friend after we were caught in an escape attempt.

Naihal
2007-12-01, 08:25 PM
I've got one, though it was a while ago so I don't remember context and such. All I remember is the DM telling someone in relation to a Move Silently check:

DM: I DON'T CONTROL YOUR INTERNAL BODY ORGANS

Snadgeros
2007-12-01, 08:30 PM
I was playing a monk in this campaign, and we were only about 5th level or so at the time. We're fighting a random semi-undead encounter that ambushed us in the middle of the night. There are a few shades and a giant undead bull-thing. The cleric failed his will save and is currently running the hell away from the fight in fear.

Me: Alright, I'm gonna flurry this bull-thing.
DM: Roll them bones.
Me: YES! Both hit! And a critical on one too! That bull's taking.....(some arbitrarily large amount of damage)!
DM: You successfully pummel this bull with your hands and feet and crush its head over your knee.
Me: WOOHOO!
Cleric: Congratulations, you just fisted a bull.
Me: :smalleek: ....................That's..........not exactly how I'd put it.........

Skjaldbakka
2007-12-01, 08:31 PM
From my Star Ocean game:


Mission Statement
To explore strange new continents, to seek out new allies from new civilizations—to boldly go where no halfling has gone before.

" I do believe our little Champion-in-training was about to finally graduate. "

"Unfortunately there has been a lack of the treasure that a hero receives in the old legends, and what I have found has been given away, to monkeys!

"Chanting in my general direction is not generally good for your health."

"There will be much blood to spill to repay these barbarians with the lives that they owe."

"I demand giant robots!"

"Yeah, but those were just people. Ukko is an NPC."

"My hands quiver with anticipation of the blood that they will spill and my blade sings for that self-same sanguine offering."

"Let me put it this way: I am only giving you these things because I would rather not see or hear you"

"Wow. I should tap Renkinna for spells more often"

Darkfalle
2007-12-01, 08:36 PM
Situation One: Besides me and the DM all of the players are relatively new and don't exactly know what is going on.

Player A: Hey guys, do I use a d-4 for this spell?

Me: What is this D you speak of?

Hilarity Ensued


Situation Two: I'm playing a high level fighter that--due to being what is essentially the avatar of the element air--can fly. I've been trying to get one of the powerful city states on the Island our party is on to aid in a rebellion against the other city state. After a lot of talk that accomplished nothing I had the following to say...

Me: Well Gentlemen, it's been nice working with you but I have more important things to be doing. I'm off! (And with that I proceeded to fly out the window)

DraPrime
2007-12-01, 09:23 PM
There was an annoying NPC who wanted to be an adventurer, so he decided to follow us around. We were nice to him while we plotted to get rid of him. Eventually I gave him a sword and told him to use it to go out and be a hero. This is what happened.

Me: Take this fine sword, and go use it to fight evil.
NPC: Wow! A real sword of my own! So this means I can join you guys? I'll never leave you!
Me: Wait, no. I mean you to go strike out on your own and learn through experience. We can't always be helping you.
NPC: But you guys have been such great friends and have made me feel safe.
Me: Look, it's for your own good.
NPC: I'm not leaving.
Me: I'll put this nicely. Leave or else I'll take that sword from you and use your *** as a sheath. Understood?
*awkward silence*
NPC: DIE EVILDOER!!!!!

I had a hell of a time explaining the mangled body to the paladin.

brian c
2007-12-01, 09:34 PM
I think I mentioned this before on this forum, but it's too good not to say again.

The party is standing outside a jail cell, planning out interrogation techniques before we go in. I don't remember the names, but luckily we are one of each race.

Dwarf: Okay, so I go in, kick his ass and ask him what's up.
Half-Elf: Wait, don't you have an Elixir of Truth?
Dwarf: Oh yeah, I'll use that then.
Party: Okay, we go in to the room.
Dwarf: I drink the Elixir of Truth!
Everyone else: Wait what??

AslanCross
2007-12-01, 10:15 PM
Situation: My players were going up against a Hobgoblin Warsoul (MMV), and they were getting owned. Earlier that round another caster had laid down a web where the PCs were standing. The Warsoul follows up with a fireball. All of them failed their saves. The druid was killed instantly. The wizard and the bard were in the negatives. The only ones left standing were the warblade and the paladin. The paladin healed the bard back to functionality. The bard also went to heal the wizard, narrowly evading an AOO. As they struggled to pick themselves up and run away, the bard tried to recover (part of) the druid's body.

Bard: *to the dead body* Don't worry my dear, if we all die, I will be with you in the afterlife.
Warblade: ...you almost died, and you're STILL flirting?
Wizard, barely alive: That's called necrophilia, you know.
Bard: ...shut up. I healed you, you know. I can stab you with an arrow right now. It probably won't do much, but it'll still hurt.
Paladin, who doesn't like the wizard much: I'll help you.

RandomNPC
2007-12-01, 10:26 PM
I was DM and i threw a dragon at the party i really shouldn't have.

someone who reads these boards sugested casting light on the monks pants, the idea's been on the boards before.

so after being targeted for one attack the monk forgets the dragons darkvision and says:

"I take off my pants and fight the dragon"

Yrnes
2007-12-02, 03:42 PM
(As the group is finished slaying a bunch of slaads...)

Wizard: If I recall correctly, these slaad lay their eggs into their victims through their bite attacks...

Barbarian: We're all gonna be mommies!

trainer343
2007-12-02, 04:54 PM
Long setup, but the whole thing was funny.

Last night, my party was trying to get into this castle to this mad scientist guy, and so many things went wrong. First off our spellcaster used detect magic on the castle and was stunned, leading to our gun slinger to try to wake him up with "I pistol whip him", which caused him to be knocked out for 15mins. instead of stuned.

While all this is happening, I'm sneaking my [email protected]$$ bugbear rouge self up to the castle, dodging all the securty while the other rouge-ish person was sneaking two rounds behind me and our mindblade sent his psycrystle as a distraction. The other guy was spotted by guards checking out the crystle thanks to a nat 20 spot.

At that point the mindblade gave himself up, forceing everyone else to do the same (except for me). Which led to this:

Mindblade:(loud enough for me to hear) "We have another party member scouting around, let me send my crystle to get him. (Crystle goes into the woods, not towards me.
DM: "What do you do?"
Me: "I'm going to stay hidden to make him look like a liar."

asphen fox
2007-12-04, 10:24 AM
Ranger: I suggest we have a party fund.
Rogue and Swashbuckler: Party fund? FOR THROWING PARTIES?!
Ranger: Not anything of the sort. No drinking parties or cocktail parties.
Rogue: A banquet then?
------------------------------------------
That was so fun....

And another one from the same campaign:
------------------------------------------
Rogue: I know what that feels like, it's just a flesh wound!
Swashbuckler: Yeah, last time you nearly had your liver cut out!
Rogue: I got bitten in the leg. My liver is nowhere near my leg.
Paladin: In case you two don't notice we're in the middle of a fight here!
Rogue: I know! We ARE fighting!

o_O Lolz

loopy
2007-12-04, 10:45 AM
The always classic:

*Leaving village* We'll deal with your dragon problem in no time at all.

*3 hours later, riding back in to village at full tilt* DRAGON! DRAGON! TO ARMS! RUN AWAY! OH SWEET MERCIFUL GODS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!*

I'm fairly sure it was the party Paladin who yelled to arms but I'm positive it was my rogue telling everyone to run for their lives.

That "ride into village screaming about dragons" thing happened 3 times in one campaign... *sigh*

Wraithy
2007-12-04, 02:04 PM
he he, great stuff in here:smallbiggrin:

littlechicory
2007-12-04, 02:05 PM
So our group was allowed into a church's sacred armory because our cleric was a big name in their following. However, no weapons are allowed in the armory.

Monk: "So what do I do, leave my hands at the door?"

Alex12
2007-12-04, 03:40 PM
However, no weapons are allowed in the armory.
Isn't that in and of itself a little strange? I mean, it's an armory, it's supposed to have weapons in it.

We made an epic-level Druid really angry.
DM:"The druid wildshapes into a tarrasque. Roll initiative"
Rogue:*rolls highest*"I shoot the tarrasque." *rolls*
DM looks at results, looks at notes, gets up, and begins banging his head on the wall.
"(bang) He was (bang) supposed (bang) to survive (bang)."

Snadgeros
2007-12-04, 04:19 PM
Isn't that in and of itself a little strange? I mean, it's an armory, it's supposed to have weapons in it.

We made an epic-level Druid really angry.
DM:"The druid wildshapes into a tarrasque. Roll initiative"
Rogue:*rolls highest*"I shoot the tarrasque." *rolls*
DM looks at results, looks at notes, gets up, and begins banging his head on the wall.
"(bang) He was (bang) supposed (bang) to survive (bang)."

Whoah....wait...what?! He killed a TARRASQUE?! So, that rogue was able to overcome a tarrasque's ridiculous AC with some sort of super arrow/bolt that deals over 800 NON-LETHAL damage?! Tarrasques are immune to lethal damage, the only way to kill it is to deal non-lethal to subdue it (so the druid would only be knocked out) and then use wish or miracle to finish it.

The only explanation I can think of for that is that he didn't actually wildshape and it was all just an illusion to discourage you from attacking the thing. Honestly, anyone who attempts to take on the tarrasque without specifically preparing for it and being at LEAST 20th level is just suicidal. (Batman excluded).

Craig1f
2007-12-04, 04:25 PM
Yeah, I didn't get that one about the tarrasque either. I figure it was an illusion or something.

Lolzords
2007-12-04, 04:36 PM
I can't remember it exactly, but it was something to do with me being deafened by a badshot with a thunderstone and then the DM telling me what I heard a few seconds later.

The J Pizzel
2007-12-04, 04:39 PM
Our smooth-talking muskateer like swashbuckler (Gavin) is snooping around in the cellar of an old tavern in Old Town. There's two entrances: the stairs down from the ground floor behind the bar, and the stairs down from behind the building (kinda like the classic cellar doors for bad weather). Outside the cellar doors is Diego, our hella tanking bad @$$ warblade who strikes fear into the hearts of many, just with his armor and battleaxe. Gavin (an extremely good role-player) gets busted by 6 henchman.

Thug Can we help you...Gavin Darkholm. Oh yes, we know you. You've been snooping around here way too much. We're gonna have to put an end to it.
Gavin Wait, wait. Look, it's no question that I'm gonna die here today, give the honor of going out with some dignity. Allow me a battle cry at the least (diplomacy roll = 35)
Thug If it will make your passing easier, go ahead.

Gavin whips out his +1 keen rapier and begins twirling it around in the air and ends with it sticking in the ground...(clears his throat)

Gavin DDDDDIIIIIIEEEEEEGGGGGOOOOOO

What makes this so good is that he literally screams this at the top of his lungs in our house. J (Diego) is laughing so hard he can't tell me what his character does.

That is now the official battle cry of our group now.

JP

Dementrius
2007-12-04, 04:41 PM
"I can't go while the undead are watching"

Pirate Captain after accidentally bursting into the BBEG's lair full of minions "... Arrr! We want ta join yar cult."

Jack Zander
2007-12-04, 04:43 PM
It might be the Giant's version of polymorph fixes.

Triple ninja'd

Mewtarthio
2007-12-04, 04:47 PM
Technically, he killed an epic level druid. Magical Beast Wild Shape requires 27 ranks of Knowledge (nature). Colossal Wild Shape requires another Epic Feat: Gargantuan Wild Shape. Thus, he's got at least three epic feats under his belt. I'd place him at around level 24 at minimum. Thus, he only had 24d8 + Con hp, rather than the 48d10+594 of a real Tarrasque, and I'm willing to bet the Druid's natural Con is well below 35. Additionally, he gains none of the special qualities of the Tarrasque: No carapace, no DR, no immunities, and no regeneration. Thus, it is conceivable that an epic-level Rogue could severely hurt him, particularly with lots of sneak attacks on a full attack (note that SA damage is effectively doubled with the Lingering Damage feat, and The Druid might not have been one-shotted, but simply damaged enough that the DM knew the fight was over).

Craig1f
2007-12-04, 04:58 PM
So I had a half-orc barbarian in a party in which a great war between full-orcs and humans is being waged. Half-orcs are taking either side, and Tordac choose the humans (who he aspires to be, because they are intelligent problem solvers, and he was treated very well by humans as a child).

We go to this island, where we uncover a plot to perform some sacrifice ritual that will will cause all orcs and half-orcs within hundreds of miles to grow an uncontrollable hatred of non-orcs, especially elves. Of course we have to stop this, and Tordac doesn't want this, because then he'll lose control. Plus, he's there to rescue his drinking-buddy, which is an elf. Hundreds of elves have been disappearing over the lands, and we tracked their disappearance to the island.

We manage to sneak in the island and take out a few random orcs. We sneak into a major cave, which is where all the prisoners are. Most are unconscious (poisoned) although a few are faking it, as we find out later.

Long story short, we end up barricading ourselves in the cave with the prisoners when the orcs find out something is up. They send a Shaman negotiator, and Tordac decides to pretend to be an acting Orc Captain of a tribe that is upset that "we were not included in this ritual. When we landed here, and attempted to talk to a passing group, we were attacked on sight! Or Captain has seperated into another group, so I am acting captain of this group! There are over 100 of us on this island!"

So there's some back and forth, the Shaman believes him (Mostly because we played a "fate card" that said "the next NPC you meet will be helpful to you). He says

Shaman - "look, we have room in the ritual ... mostly because you seem to have killed a few dozen people since you've gotten here. This ritual is meant to be for all orcs, and if you weren't contacted, it was a mistake. I have no idea why you were attacked on sight, but you shouldn't have been. Look, we can work something out, but you have to give me some info. How many elves do you have in there, how many ritual daggers, and how many orcs want to participate? We only have room for about 20!"
Tordac - getting nervous "Bah, it's a trick! I'm not telling you how many we have of anything! It's just information you can use against us!
Shaman - "No seriously, just tell me how many daggers, and how many elves"
Tordac - "Not going to happen!"
Shaman - "Why?"
Tordac - "Because I can't!"
Shaman - "You can't? Why can't you! Look, if we're going to make a deal then ..."
Tordac - "Because I can't ... I can't ... count."

When the DM stopped laughing, he awarded me an action point for that one. The Shaman walked off. They then cast Locate Object to see how many daggers there were.

Edit: BTW, to add context, the goal was to stall long enough to allow the spell casters to rest and recover spells. So all we were doing was attempting to stall, and give as little information as possible. Hence my character's desire not to give them numbers, and to be as confusing as possible.

We actually survived our escape, against all conceivable odds, due to a ridiculous amount of good rolling, and the warlock sacrificing himself to lure the shamans away from the party. The DM was pretty sure we had achieved a total party kill before even leaving the cave.

SpiderKoopa
2007-12-04, 09:25 PM
After an important npc tells the players of how the real government keeps everyone under their thumbs via spells to erase the memories of those pesky people who find out too much:

Player: "That's unnatural!!!"

Not getting it? Oh, I forgot to say, his character was a vampire. :smalltongue:

SoD
2007-12-05, 06:29 AM
Upon encountering the toilet of the goblin lair.

Player: I do a search check.
DM: ... It's a goblin toilet. Are you sure you want to search there? The bottom of the pit is and full of... You know what.
Player: Oh. All right then, I'll do a spot check.
DM: Sigh. Fine, you see that the bottom of the pit is dark, and you can't quite make out any details. Want to look deeper into it?
Player: .... No. Aww, there's not even a magazine?

Actually the player was me. :smallredface: This was our, what, second? session, and I was doing it for the joke of it, anyway. I can't swear, though, that this is accurate to the word, I've been trying to forget about it.

I just read that and thought ''Oh, that sounds just like what happened in one of my campaigns...oh. That's right. I was the DM.''

Me (DM): When you walk into the room, you see three young goblins cowering in an old bathtub. When they see you they shrink further into hiding.
Paladin: I kill them.
Me: What?!
Paladin: I kill them! Those goblins have been trying to kill us!
Party: ...you're going to kill them?
Paladin: Yes! I rolled a 16 to hit.
Me: You're going to attack...unarmed...defenseless...goblin...children ?
Paladin: ...they're children?

But our cleric comes up with some of the best lines. Party goes into the dragons lair, the sorcerer calls out: ''We're not here to hurt you!'' The cleric looks at him strangley and reminds him (loud enough for the dragon to hear) ''Yes we are.''

Party comes across hobgoblin wizard.
Hobgoblin: *colour spray*
Rogue and Bard: *unconcious*
Paladin: *charge and attack*
Sorcerer: *Magic missle*
Cleric: ''We don't want a fight! We come in peace!''

And finally, the classic:

Me: OK, you ready for the con damage?
PC: No.

Skjaldbakka
2007-12-05, 06:33 AM
I was in a vampire Larp, and a bunch of police stormed Elysium, and proceeded to open fire. After the first round of combat, the head of the group shouted "FREEZE!"

Maybe you just had to be there, but we thought it was hilarious at the time.

Quietus
2007-12-05, 06:52 AM
DM: Roll Fort save
Orlok: [1d20+2 = 3]
Orlok: AMBULANCE!

Thankfully this was just very strong ale. He was entirely incapable of making the save, anyway. I don't know why he ordered the strongest dwarven ale in the inn.


He's an adventurer. Of course he'd order the strongest ale.

Also, are you aware that Zangetsu is the name of a sword in an anime? Pretty cool sword, to be sure, but still...

Lord_Kimboat
2007-12-05, 07:13 AM
Situation: I was playing the vassal of a Lord who had just had sex with the Emperor's wife and daughter. The Emperor had noticed this and was about to summon a large number of soldiers to kill us all when I managed to just cast a spell to make the Emperor forget the whole incident (I was 2 higher in the initiative order than the Emperor).

After the combat is avoided, at least for the present, I say to my lord,
"Master, can you at least restrain your activities!! A little I mean!"

In arrogant tones, "I will live the life I choose."

"Yeah, but I don't want to die the death you deserve!"

WorthingSon
2007-12-05, 09:14 AM
Ok, so this was my friends first time DM'ing and one of our party members was building a power character (the Swordsage). The DM, tired of having him mow threw things, brings in one of his plot characters early, a dragon rider. So we are at the entrance to a cave, and we see a dragon with a rider flying at us.

Ranger: I take a pot shot at the rider.
DM: *laugh* Ok, roll it.
Ranger: Natural 20!... Max Damage!
DM: ... well now he is pissed.
Swordsage: Doesn't he have to make a ride check now?
DM: Ohh yeah... natural 1... he falls off...
Knight: He was like 500 feet up or something, right?
DM: Yeah, he's dead... I hate you guys.

Baxbart
2007-12-05, 09:30 AM
Thats why God invented the GM screen :smallwink:

Its all about giving the players the illusion that what they do actually has some impact on the direction of the story.

Alex12
2007-12-05, 09:54 AM
Whoah....wait...what?! He killed a TARRASQUE?! So, that rogue was able to overcome a tarrasque's ridiculous AC with some sort of super arrow/bolt that deals over 800 NON-LETHAL damage?! Tarrasques are immune to lethal damage, the only way to kill it is to deal non-lethal to subdue it (so the druid would only be knocked out) and then use wish or miracle to finish it.

The only explanation I can think of for that is that he didn't actually wildshape and it was all just an illusion to discourage you from attacking the thing. Honestly, anyone who attempts to take on the tarrasque without specifically preparing for it and being at LEAST 20th level is just suicidal. (Batman excluded).

This is a very epic campaign. We're currently at level 62. We have our own personal plane with all sorts of magically-boosted supertech, and the current plot involves a wizard who went insane and cast this incredibly powerful spell that basically made a bunch of super-tarrasques (with varying abilities, some can fly, or breathe fire, or shoot Disintegrate beams from their eyes, etc, and some of them are freakish combos of a tarrasque with some other monster/monsters.) We killed the wizard, but the spell had already been cast, and now we basically have to go kill these super-tarrasques. The gun the Rogue was using fires neutronium-tipped penetrator rounds at hypersonic velocities (yay recoil compensation). It has sniper and autocannon modes, and its ammo comes from a pocket dimension that generates infinite ammo)
This thing was specifically designed to kill super-tarrasques. Normal ones don't stand a chance.
Really any one of us could take on a normal tarrasque one-on-one and expect to win with very little difficulty. The funny part was just that the DM actually expected the druid to survive. BTW, at the time, we were IIRC level 54.

Argent
2007-12-05, 10:10 AM
One particular encounter generated a quote that has become the major running joke in our campaign.

We were in a heated battle with drow. It was that point of the battle where it looked like we were about to get slaughtered; party members were dropping due to sleep poison and other assorted injuries. One of our party members (the cleric) decided it was Time to Surrender. On his action, he dropped his weapon and shouted, "We yield!"

The next player to act was the party dwarven fighter, who continued to attack while yelling out his battle cry, which went something like, "BLAAAAAAAAARGH!" The remainder of the party (aside from the cleric) followed his lead and continued the fight. Each subsequent round, on his action, the cleric would continue to yell out, "We yield!", which was then followed by every other party member yelling out, "BLAAAAAARGH!" and continuing the fight.

Due to some extremely lucky dice rolls and a timely critical, we managed to defeat the drow. And the cleric has never lived it down.

So now, before every combat begins, someone around the table has to yell out, "WE YIELD! BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" And hilarity, of course, ensues.

SoD
2007-12-05, 10:12 AM
Every time our cleric regains conciousness...''Wha-?''

Mr. Moogle
2007-12-05, 10:16 AM
DM: The dragon is 30 feet away, and 10 deet in the air. holding (player name) in his mouth.
Me: hey i have 60 foot movement speed and an ungodly jump modifier...
DM: I know what your thinking... you have a 1 in one hundred chance of succesfully grappeling this thing
Me:... Never tell me the odds

I got it with my tough attack but gouldnt grapple it. But i managed to free the other player and even hold on when the dragon became invisible. :smallbiggrin:

BRC
2007-12-05, 12:23 PM
Lich: What are you doing in my tower.
Me: Were exterminators, here to help with your 'roach problem.
Lich:...why do you have weapons.
Me: After you run into a nest of dire termites, you stop taking chances.
Wizard: WE LOST FIVE MEN DOWN THERE, FIVE GOOD MEN!
Lich: but what about the vampires.
Me: oh they were cool about it, vampires hate roaches.
Lich: and the wraiths
Me: My brother *points to wizard* was in Phi-Beta-Wrathi in college, so he was able to convince them to let us pass.

the termite thing is somthing of a running joke.
Another one.
DM: After interrogating the rebel it appears that his group was intending to cripple the local forestry industry by destroying all the axes in a local warehouse
NOTE: this plan is stupid for many reasons.
Ranger: You mean they were...ARBOLUTIONISTS.

We have somthing called the poncho of bad jokes that is earned by comments like that.

Arioch
2007-12-05, 01:12 PM
The fire-obsessed cold elf wizard in the party has a tendency to shout "FLAME ON!" before casting combustion.

The warlock, who now has the spider climb ability, insists on climbing the ceiling everywhere he goes that's indoors.
Him: I'm Spiderman
Me (DM): No you're NOT!
I put an invisible vivisector on the ceiling last time. He ran straight into it...

The best quote we've had so far in our short campaign was when the party had been given a sheep by a grateful shepherd. A while later:

Me: "You find yourself growing bored with the monotonous planes. However, just as you feel you can stand it no longer, the town of-"
Favoured Soul: I ride the sheep!
*long pause*
Wizard: ...I move away...
Me: The sheep doesn't feel the same way about you.
*pause*
Favoured Soul: What?

Since then, that guy's been somewhat regretting his outburst. A merchant recently came up and said to him "That's a fine sheep, sir. It's walking oddly, though. Is it sore?"

Ninosai
2007-12-05, 05:09 PM
Maybe not a good one, but I still like it :D.

So to put the situation, we're in a old dwarf city that's been abandoned because it was attacked by goblins... We're here to retrieve an old dwarf artefact, we get it that's when the Goblins start swarming (they were waiting for us to take it because they couldn't due to some magic ^^) our DM start describing hundreds of goblins swarming toward us.

Now I describe the group: me, lvl 8 human warmage; a lvl 7elf sorceror/lvl1 elemental savant(electricity); a lvl 8 half-orc fighter and a lvl 8 halflin rogue (our DM like to keep the party in the same levels ^^) we were with 3 dwarfs that came to help us in the city.

Back to the scene, so we are running from almost a thousand goblins in a old dwarf city (yeah I know most of took the reference ^^) we throw some fireballs and other spells at them but there are too many. We run toward an old temple that the goblins feared so we're safe for the moment. But then some sort of goblin shaman come out and walk toward the temple, me being the damage dealer of the groupe runs up and here is the conversation:

Me(to the group): Don't worry guys it's just a petty goblin shaman, I'm gonna teach him a lesson!
Me(to the DM): I cast a spell (don't remember wich one)
DM: ok *roll a die* He resist it...
Me: WHAT?!
DM: you see him casting, make a reflex roll please.
Me: *roll for a total of 10* oh shi...
DM: Ok the "petty" goblin just casted a fire pillar, you take *roll some die* 27 damages.
Me: but... I only got 22! T_T


That's where I learned my DM really love to put monsters with core class levels ^^'(that goblin was a lvl9 priest, without counting his npc class :p)


There I know it was long, and sorry for my bad english at some points ^^'


An other one were I'm the DM of a bunch of crazy-creepy fools :P, they just encountered a gold dragon who's been testing them to see if they were worthy, party is: a lvl 8 human warmage (not me ^^), a lvl 7 elf ranger and a lvl 7 dwarf fighter (pretty lousy!) here is the conversation:

Dragon: Congratulation, you passed my test, you're worthy, except for this dwarf who were willing to sacrifice a child to get a treasure! I knew dwarf were greedy but not at this point...
Dwarf: hey! It's not a dragon who's gonna tell me I'm greedy, you guys are the worst!

awkard silence...

two others: dude...

Dragon: *look at the dwarf and the dwarf pee his pants from the fear* (I'm a nice DM, yes ^^)

I know this isn't very great, but just put yourself in the situation... this is hilarous x).


An other one I'm just thinking about, there I'm playing a lvl 3 swordsage, we're fighting one of the groupe member who was playing a ennemy, we learn later that he was possessed, when we succefully get him down (not killing him):
Me: I'm using my intimidation to make him stop attacking. *roll a 13, with my 6 ranks in intimidation ^^)
DM: *look at the player and say flatly* Ok, you're very intimidated by this guy
party(looking at me): ...
Me: ... What?!


EDIT: oh I forgot to say, I love the other quotes here I had a good time reading them, but the last ones from Arioch made me cry in laughter, especially the sheep one =^o^=

ReluctantReaper
2007-12-05, 05:38 PM
Ok so got three here.

Ok in our last time playing together, the person i was with and myself had recently got aboard a merchant ship. She is trying to become a pirate and i am a ninja. While on the ship after the first day i was demoted to the cabin boy's servent, because I didnt know what i was doing. We got attacked by a pirate ship, and our capitan made us surrender with out a fight.

Pirate capitan: Shutup now and give me all your goods.
Me:'I raise my hand'
Pirate capitan: What?
Me: Wash your boots sir? (English accent)
Pirate capitan: No, (evil laugh)
Me: I put the nasty cleaning bucket onto the pirate capitans head
Dm:.....what?
Me:I put the bucket on his head
Dm: ok roll...
Me: 19!
Dm: 3....ok you put the bucket on his head now what?
Me:I push him down.
Dm:.....Why?!
Me: NO MORE AM I THE CABIN BOY SLAVE!
Dm: (sigh) roll
Me:17!
Dm:......4 he falls down..
Me: I grab his musket.
Me: I shoot him
Dm: intellegence check
Me:...3
Dm: you stand there confused on how to operate the gun..

This ended with my fellow PC tackling me and then the pirate capitan blew my cheek off, and lucky just made me unconcious. Good times..


Scene Dwarf fighter and elf druid. We enter a tavern

Elf (female): So you going to try to sleep with any human women tonight?
Dwarf (Male): I only sleep with women when im drunk!
Elf: (pause.....) WHAT?!?
Dwarf: Wait no I-
Elf: (mass laughter)

He hasn't lived it down since..

Yami
2007-12-05, 06:06 PM
"You guys do realize that if my character EVER learns half of what I know OOC, you are all dead."

Worst part was he never found out.

Craig1f
2007-12-05, 06:10 PM
"You guys do realize that if my character EVER learns half of what I know OOC, you are all dead."

Worst part was he never found out.

That's hilarious.

Yodaman23
2007-12-05, 07:35 PM
Ranger: "The deer are moving into attack position! Kill them before its too late!"

Jade_Tarem
2007-12-05, 07:37 PM
"I think, gentleman, that I can stop this civil war. All I need are 19 more levels and my powers back."

[Insert Neat Username Here]
2007-12-05, 08:31 PM
From a game on these forums (the game died young, but it was fun while it lasted):

The bard has been wounded by some constructs, and my sorcerer is standing between a one of the clockwork creatures and his wounded ally. The enemy tries to go around him, provoking an attack of opportunity, which shattered the creature to bits.

Bard: I owe you two drinks. Saving my life is worth exactly two drinks.

shadow_archmagi
2007-12-05, 08:39 PM
DM: Wait, you DO know that Bluff is based off of charisma, and your charisma is -3, right?

Player: Right.. right... In that case, I will make a Craft: False Information check. That is int-based, right?

Serpent Stare
2007-12-05, 10:27 PM
Okay, here are a few I will never forget.

Cleatus Oneemakaloperny, dwarf barbarian, is helping his party search for the halfling with mulitple personality disorder (a PC party member) who disappeared in this cave a week ago. He strips to his underwear in order to swim through an underwater passage and ends up climbing up into another cave beyond. There is a firepit (not lit), a pile of wood against one wall, and two doors leading out of the little room. He starts looking through the firewood, and makes some noise. The half-orc who lives in this cave walks out to see the dwarf, unarmed, nearly naked, looking through the wood.

Shuleng(the half-orc):What are you doing?
Cleatus: I'm looking for my friend!
Shuleng: In my woodpile?

Anyway, eventually it turned out that Shuleng had been nursing the halfling back to health. Cleatus walks in, Milo (halfling) is woken up.

Cleatus: Milo! You're alive!
Milo: (to Shuleng) I don't know him.

And, as Cleatus is leaving, he turns back to say one last thing to Shuleng before returning to where he left all his equipment.

Cleatus: And, um, there's a bunch of orcs attacking our town, I was wondering if you could help us fight them.
DM(me):Do you mean to tell me that you are standing there soaking in your underwear and asking the fully armed and very strong-looking half-orc in front of you to come back and kill orcs with you?
Cleatus (OOC): Ummm...
Cleatus: Not that you're anything like them, of course, I mean obviously you're a lot less...

~~~

A gnome cleric PC (incompetent) called Gimli returns to the campsite following the tracks of someone he believes to be Milo (having rolled a 1 on the check). He notes that there is another tent set up at the campsite and hears an argument coming from it in a guttural language he can't understand.
He calls out asking who they are and they tell him to go away. He packs up his things, preparing to leave and walks into his own tent. A menacing shadow appears on the side of the tent, cast by the firelight. It looks like a big, humanoid wolf slowly drawing a dagger. Gimli draws his sword, runs outside, and finds himself face to face with the black-furred creature. He sheathes his sword, tries to look nonchalant, and says:
"Are you friendly?"

~~~

Other times, all taken from the same session (which I have a tape recording of):

~~~

Milo: I'm bored. What are we going to do?
Cleatus: I have way too many silver pieces.
Milo: Okay, so aside from going to the bank, what are we going to do?

~~~

Milo: What? Don't look at me, you're supposed to be the inventive one. (looks at own character sheet) Oh, I'm supposed to be the inventive one. Oh, crap.

~~~

Milo:Okay. We are finding our friend! (OOC:) Hang on, what time is it?
DM: Early evening.
Milo: We are finding our friend tomorrow!

~~~

Milo: You know, you can singlehandedly give me a headache like no-one else can.
Cleatus: I appreciate the compliment.

~~~

And this, while concocting a plan to rescue the party leader, Colm. Whose name Milo can never remember.

Milo:What's his name... the guy we're always travelling with.
Cleatus: Colm.
Milo:Right. I was going to say Cleatus. But you're Cleatus. I remember your name. You should feel special.

...and in a short while:

Milo: ...And then we talk to... Jeemus, Jimus, Joanus... the bartender dude...
DM: Johan.
Milo: No, I'm having fun. My character can't remember the guy's name.
DM: Johan reminds you what his name is.
Milo: But we were outside the bar, I thought.
DM: You hear a shout from inside the bar: "JOHAN!"
Milo: That dude. (opens the door) You got good hearing! (closes the door) Okay. So. Johan. Johan.
Cleatus: I'm Cleatus.
Milo: Yeah. So we'll tell Johan that we're following...(hesitates)
Cleatus: I'm Cleatus.
Milo: Colm. Colm, you see, I remember.
Cleatus: Yes, but I'm Cleatus, I'm not Johan.
Milo: Yes, I know you're...(smacks forehead) YOU'RE ALSO AN IDIOT!

~~~

Cleatus (OOC): I want to get his attention.
Milo (OOC): You could try calling my name.
Cleatus: Mike!
Milo (played by Mike): What? (looks around quickly) Who are you talking to? I'm the only other person here! Who's this 'Mike'?
Cleatus: (points to the empty air beside him) This guy.

...and Cleatus proceeded to carry out a conversation with "Mike".

Milo (OOC): Okay, I'm going to slow down until I'm riding next to him and draw my sword... (makes the motion of drawing a sword) shlunk! right to his neck.
DM: Make an attack roll.
Milo (OOC): I'm not actually hitting him.
DM: Right, so make an attack roll to make sure you don't actually hit him.
Cleatus (OOC): Oh god, you'd better not roll a 1.
Milo: (rolls a 4)
Cleatus (OOC): OH GOD!
DM: No, you're okay. But you do have to lean over to avoid it, y'know, like, 'Whoa!'
Cleatus:(looks down the sword) Ooh, shiny!
Milo:(starts shaking, grabs his sword hand with the other one to restrain himself)
Cleatus (OOC):Okay, I draw my longsword.
Cleatus: Mine is more shiny!

~~~

DM:Eventually, the road... There is a turn in the road. It goes straight one way and turns left the other way.
Cleatus: Didn't he say it turns left?
Milo: Where the town is. We're not going to the town.
DM: I thought you said you were.
Milo (OOC): Yes, but... not all the way to the town.
Cleatus:Well, you know where we're going. I'm following.
DM: So which way do you go?
Milo: Are there any signs that he left?
DM: No.
Milo (OOC): Would it be Survival to... well, not so much track, but look for any horse prints or something like that?
DM: You could try that, you could try that.
Milo (OOC): Then tell me what I'm rolling against.
DM: I don't tell you the DC!
Milo (OOC): No. The skill. So I know the modifier.
DM:...I guess that would be Survival.
Milo: (rolls) I rolled an 8, so 7.
DM: What are you trying to find out again?
Milo (OOC): Whether there's horse prints or...
Cleatus (OOC): He's not a horse!
Milo (OOC): Shut up! The rest of us are riding horses.
DM: You see various layers of... you see horse tracks and grooves and things in the road, but nothing you could identify as his footprints.
Milo: I say we go North.
Cleatus: Okay.
Milo: Or do we want to go...(hesitates)
Colm (OOC): West.
DM: West.
Milo: We could go East if we want.
DM: Yes... You could go East, it's true.
Milo: For all you know, I'm trying to get rid of Colm.
Colm (OOC): But I'm the only rational person in this party!
Milo (OOC): Yes, I know, why do you think I'm debating if I want to go to town or find you?
Cleatus: So which way do we go?
Milo: Ah, let's go get Colm.
Dm: So which way are you going?
Cleatus: North.
Milo: North.
Cleatus: Oh, wow, we agreed.

~~~

Milo approaches a town he hasn't visited before.
DM: There is not a sign. There is not even a gate. There is not even a guard post. There is a temple... to your left.
Milo (OOC): A temple.
DM: Yes. The sign says "the temple of vision".
Milo (OOC): Does this look like a nice, happy town or a (adopts a really creepy voice) "Come... join us..." type of town?
DM: The first one.
Milo (OOC): Oh, okay. :)

Milo approaches a guard resting at a guard post in the same little town.
Milo:Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where we are?
Guard: (giving him a funny look) We're outside the guard post.
Milo:(pauses)...Granted, but in what town?

Snadgeros
2007-12-05, 11:14 PM
This is more of a story, but there are some funny quotables in it.

Alright, so throughout this campaign, our DM has been giving each PC a specialized challenge in each dungeon. The ranger had to cheat at an archery contest, the druid had to eat his own dog (he got it back), the rogue had to play a thinking game, and the dervish had to use leverage to lift a stone. Each challenge was presented in riddle form with a nifty rhyme to give you hints about it.

Now it's my half-orc monk/drunken master's turn. From what we can discern of this riddle, I'm going to have to face some kind of super-high CR giant monster that'll eat me in a split second. The party buffs me every way they can with spells and lending me their cloak of resistance, etc. and I run in.

Now, we have a good pile of miniatures of varying sizes, but the most infamous one is by far the purple worm. It's a long-running joke in our campaign to freak PCs out by randomly having them walk into a room, only to find.......RAWRBLEBLARGGLERARGH! A GIANT PURPLE WORM IN THE ROOM! The blabbering gibberish is necessary. Needless to say, it's always fake and the DM always takes the purple worm away immediately after, but it's still funny.

So, anyway, I walk into my challenge room.

DM: You walk in and are engulfed in complete darkness.
Me: I have darkvision. Can I see anything?
DM: No. All you can tell is that you're standing at the top of a sloping hallway.
Me: Okay, I cautiously descend.
DM: You reach the bottom and the lights come on.
Me: What do I see?
DM: I **** you not......BLARGLERAWRGHLERABBLE! (He pops the purple worm on the board.)
Me: Oh for fu-

Yeah, I won initiative and through a series of lucky tumble rolls and my high movement, I ran right past the worm. When I reached a dead end I realized I was SUPPOSED to get eaten so I jumped in his mouth. I ended up having to run through his entire digestive system and making a LOT of fort saves against these leech things. Now, the final line of the riddle/rhyme mentioned "causing a blast" and "using your bulk." I was at the worm's sphincter. I wonder what to do......

Yes, that's right. I blocked a purple worm's butthole with my body. I ended up going into negatives one round before the "blast" though (I was ONE FREAKING FORT SAVE away from victory). So the worm gets constipated, blows out a big one, and I end up back at the entrance to the challenge, covered in crap. The cleric promptly heals me, I push off the leech things, and although I lost the challenge, I got a cool enchanted necklace as a consolation prize (+10 to one will save 1/day). The funny part is the aftermath though.

Me: (Still covered in worm crap) Hey druid, thanks for that. Here's your cloak of resistance back. Probably saved my life there.
Druid:.......(Stares at crap-covered cloak)..........eew. Can we summon some water to rinse this off?

I don't know about you, but I'd classify any encounter that involves blocking giant buttholes as "really freaking funny."

....
2007-12-05, 11:18 PM
During a running of AoW, during the fight with the necromancer at the beginning:

Necromancer: *big long speech about how we'll pay for entering his tower and how his minions will tear us apart*
Abjurer: Sleep. *casts sleep*
DM: He....he's asleep.
Fighter: Coup de grace.
DM: Sigh. Okay, here's your XP and loot.

BardicDuelist
2007-12-05, 11:30 PM
DM: You have been traveling for days and come to a town.
My Bard to NPC: Hello sir, I was wondering if you had a spare room in which I could stay for the night.
NPC: Wouldn't a minstril such as yourself be more comfortable in the inn?
Bard: Does the inn have a tavern?
NPC: Why ofcourse, it serves some of the best ale in town.
Bard: THen I would not be more comfortable in there. Most of the tales of adventure and woe that I tell have started in the tavern, and I myself have never had a peaceful night's sleep in one. Bad things happen when a traveler stays at an inn, and I would rather avoid this.
DM looks at me speachless.

shot-bya-monk
2007-12-05, 11:34 PM
we were fighting a big finel battle where we had to vs ourselfs but they were better then us our orc barb was a minotor
first shot from me (ranger) oath bow rapid shot crit both times dmg =120 on minotor

DM: SHI* u killed him
us:yay
DM: it toke me to hours to make him from scratch

Grim Greyscale
2007-12-05, 11:44 PM
He's an adventurer. Of course he'd order the strongest ale.

Also, are you aware that Zangetsu is the name of a sword in an anime? Pretty cool sword, to be sure, but still...

Yeah. Bleach, right? That particular player never shuts up about it...


It's a long-running joke in our campaign to freak PCs out by randomly having them walk into a room, only to find.......RAWRBLEBLARGGLERARGH! A GIANT PURPLE WORM IN THE ROOM! The blabbering gibberish is necessary. Needless to say, it's always fake and the DM always takes the purple worm away immediately after, but it's still funny.

We do that with a Black Dragon mini we have.Great fun.

....
2007-12-05, 11:45 PM
I had a lot of fun playing a charismatic swashbuckler, partnered with a shy, quiet Totemist.

As he and I broke several slaves out of an underground temple, the hobgoblin boss came walking out to see me and the totemist telling all the slaves to walk towards that door.

Hob-Gob: What the HELL is going on here!?
Swash: Prisoner transfer, sir, headed to cellblock 1138?
Hob-Gob: What the he-
Swash: Cellblocks, sir, we just had them installed last week by the duregar we contracted. OOC: Tim (the totemist) go around the back.
Hob: I do-
Swash: Of course you weren't bothered with such a trivial matter as new cellblocks sir.
Hob: You're an elf.
Swash: Yes I...ah (I ran out of things to say)...QUICKDRAW SNEAKATTACK!

Another time me and the totemist were staying at a temple of Pelor after having saved several orphans. The head priestess of this temple was a lovely human woman.

Swash: I feel quite rested, don't you Aether?
Totem: Yes. This was-
*door opens, priestess steps in*
Priestess: Ah, I see you're awake-
Swash: OOC: I tear my shirt off and throw it at Aetherkai.
Totem: What?
DM: What?
Swash: Ahh, miss, you seem to have caught me in a....comprimising situation! *sexy pose*

Now 'sexy pose' is a common term around the table.

Snadgeros
2007-12-05, 11:50 PM
we were fighting a big finel battle where we had to vs ourselfs but they were better then us our orc barb was a minotor
first shot from me (ranger) oath bow rapid shot crit both times dmg =120 on minotor

DM: SHI* u killed him
us:yay
DM: it toke me to hours to make him from scratch

We need a new catgirl-type running joke. Just as you kill catgirls when you introduce physics into an RPG, you kill ______ when you butcher the English language. I'm leaning towards lizardfolk or kobolds. Either way, this guy just killed a whole city of them. It's as if he didn't even TRY. A typo is forgivable, but reptillian genocide is CRUEL.

EDIT: It's a fundamental law of the universe that you will make a typo while correcting someone else's spelling or grammar.

On topic: Another one from this campaign. We have a recurring dwarf NPC named Habberdabber who constantly follows us and occasionally provides information. He's loud, boisterous, and a drunk: dwarven standard really. One time he came with us on our quest to kill a minotaur and his goblin sidekick, but he just sat outside the building the whole time. When we returned to town with their heads, the DM hit us with a surprise.

Cleric: Great people! We have slain the mi--
Habberdabber: HEY EVERYONE! COME LOOK AT WHAT I KILLED! I KILLED THA MIGHTY JYNX AND JAX! HAW!
Us: O_o............

Habberdabber ended up getting all the credit from the mission, despite doing diddly-squat. We still got our reward from the king, but Habberdabber is now very popular with the ladies.

Rogue 7
2007-12-05, 11:51 PM
I hope to god that before someone launched that sneak attack, they said "Boring conversation anyways".

Fri
2007-12-05, 11:57 PM
The always classic:

*Leaving village* We'll deal with your dragon problem in no time at all.

*3 hours later, riding back in to village at full tilt* DRAGON! DRAGON! TO ARMS! RUN AWAY! OH SWEET MERCIFUL GODS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!*

I'm fairly sure it was the party Paladin who yelled to arms but I'm positive it was my rogue telling everyone to run for their lives.

That "ride into village screaming about dragons" thing happened 3 times in one campaign... *sigh*

Classic... This is my current favorite. :D

Daracaex
2007-12-06, 01:00 AM
We need a new catgirl-type running joke. Just as you kill catgirls when you introduce physics into an RPG, you kill ______ when you butcher the English language. I'm leaning towards lizardfolk or kobolds. Either way, this guy just killed a whole city of them. It's as if he didn't even TRY. A typo is forgivable, but reptillian genocide is CRUEL.

EDIT: It's a fundamental law of the universe that you will make a typo while correcting someone else's spelling or grammar.

Every time you butcher the English language, God kills a kobold.
http://wizards.com/dnd/images/compscoundrel_gallery/102063.jpg
Please, spell-check your posts. Think of the kobolds.

Snadgeros
2007-12-06, 01:05 AM
Every time you butcher the English language, God kills a kobold.
http://wizards.com/dnd/images/compscoundrel_gallery/102063.jpg
Please, spell-check your posts. Think of the kobolds.

:smalleek: ......That's........PERFECT! It's official now!

Attention everyone! Kobolds are the new catgirls! Use it on people who use AIMspeak and 1337speak!

EDIT: We have a poster now! See the post below me! Well done everyone, we've created a meme!

EDIT EDIT: Sigged!

Daracaex
2007-12-06, 01:09 AM
Made a nifty poster for it at Despair.com!
http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff273/Daracaex/grammarkoboldposter.jpg
EDIT: Spoiler for room.

reorith
2007-12-06, 01:15 AM
it was a while ago but whatever

barbarian: i search the room *rolls high*
dm: you find nothing.
barbarian: nothing?
dm: nothing.
barbarian: i take the nothing with me
dm: it is masterwork nothing and weighs 27lbs.

the barbarian kept that +27lb encumberance until he died from drowning caused by becoming fatigued after swimming :p

NecroVale
2007-12-06, 01:21 AM
OK. A little backstory. Our party consists of an Orc Barbarian, Elf Fighter, Kender Rogue, Half-Orc Cleric, and myself, a Human Wizard. The Elf had been raised by the Orcish tribe and lived with the Barbarian in our party, so wasn't as knowledgeable about magic. We discovered that we all had a shared dream, and found some information from my Wizard's teacher, and set out to find what the dream meant.

After we had made camp near a lake one night the Rogue, and the Cleric were both charmed by a colony of Nixie's who cast water-breathing on them and got them to help build a wall under the lake.

DM: Ok. You're the only one that was woken up by your companions leaving. What are you going to do.
Me: Hey guys. Is something wrong? Why are you leaving?
DM: They keep walking.
Me: I approach the Cleric and tap him on the shoulder.
DM: He continues to ignore you.
Me: *looks at my 10 STR* *thinks* I go look for a long stick.
DM: *somewhat confused* Why?
Me: OOC: Because if I'm going to wake up the Orc I'm going to do it from a safe distance.


After the Orc and Elf were awake and the situation quickly explained to them we started to follow them to the lake. The Orc swam out into the lake and tried to see if he could see them in the water. The Elf, decided he didn't want to remove his heavy armor in case something bad happened to the others.

Fighter: Quick Wizard! Cast a water breathing spell!
Me: (Not about to admit that he can't do it) *pokes the Elf's nose* There, go ahead and go out there, the spell should kick in a few minutes."
Fighter: *Looks confused* That's it? You don't have to say any magic words or do mystic gestures?
Me: Who's the wizard?
Fighter: ... Good point. *runs out into the lake*

After he botched his swim check, the Nixies saw him struggling and took pity on him and cast Water Breathing on him.

We all made it safely to the other side and intercepted out friends who the Nixie's left wandering in a random direction, recovered them, and went to swim back to the other side. The Fighter approached me again.

Fighter: Thanks for that spell, I was worried that it wasn't going to kick in at first.
Me: Oh, uh... yeah. No problem. Happy to do it.
Fighter: Can you cast it on me again so that way I can make it to the other side of the lake?
Me: Alright. *pokes his nose again*

After a fight we had with hobgoblins shortly after we made it back to our encampment, the Fighter became convinced that my wizard was all-powerful and made me his diety.

clericwithnogod
2007-12-06, 01:35 AM
DM: There is a room shrouded in darkness to the left.

(There were a lot of dark rooms, dark hallways, etc. all with enemies that we couldn't see with darkvision or hear for some still unknown reason and some players were getting a little frustrated.)

Player: I cast a fireball into the darkness.

Other Player: Don't waste a fireball without knowing what is in there.

Player: I'm a 12th level warmage with Versatile Spellcaster. He'll run out of darkness before I run out of fireballs.

Xefas
2007-12-06, 02:42 AM
"MOOOO, bitch!"
~Minotaur Pimp

And yes, one of my players was actually playing a minotaur, who actually became a pimp. His unarmed damage was such that he could slap most people unconscious in a single hit. He also had leadership for the prostitutes, and he nearly succeeded in bringing organized civilization on the Prime to an end merely by creative use of prostitution.

Yrnes
2007-12-06, 03:13 AM
------------
Wizard NPC: **thumbs through spellbook** what we need here is an analyze portal spell, if you would give me-
Warmage: SCORCHING RAY! ...I know what people with books can do.

------------
(The party has a choice of fording the river or defeating the troll that guards the bridge. The only one in favor of fighting the troll is the half-orc barbarian- cleric, wizard, and monk all vote for Swim checks. Cleric, wizard, and monk all fail Swim checks one at a time and start to drown, barbarian miraculously saves all three)

Barbarian: Let's fight the troll now.
Monk: Well, there's four of us here and three of us don't think that's a good idea...
Barbarian: The same three that wanted to jump into the @#!$ing river and drown? Was that such a good idea?

(Later in the same campaign- Party's galleon is attacked and sure enough, same player from previous example is the only one not failing Swim checks)

Barbarian: Looks like I get to save the swim team again.

Skjaldbakka
2007-12-06, 03:36 AM
Hitomi: (roughly) The final Nexus guard we have to fight will be my mother.

Marcus: Interesting. That solves the puzzle of the prophecy then. That is the big revelation that leads to a betrayal. The question is, will the betrayal be on the part of your mother when she tries to kill you, or will you betray us to side with your mother?


. . .

Marcus: Either way, I'm pretty sure who the "death of someone close to you" will be.

(looks at Hitomi)

Niknokitueu
2007-12-06, 07:33 AM
Many years ago my friend and I took our characters to an unlimited-level Convention game (AD&D 2e). We were about 16th level, and there were some characters in the adventure that were over 20th.

We were attacked by a white dragon, and my friend (playing a paladin) manages to jump on to it, and dishes out quite a lot of damage.

Andrew: "Okay, that's 147 points of damage. Is it dead yet?"
GM: "Is it dead? Of course it is ******* dead - you did 147 points of ******* damage to it!"

(We were used to massively boosted monsters with at least max HP - it was IMO a valid question)


Another, more recent, involved a one-armed half orc trying to get a replacement dagger/hook (a nice off-hand weapon, as it were) for his missing left hand. He goes into a blacksmith's forge, waves his stump at the blacksmith and says

"Hello. Can you knock me up something special?"

(Over a year later, he has still to live it down...)

Have Fun!
Niknokitueu

Ninja Chocobo
2007-12-06, 08:20 AM
He's an adventurer. Of course he'd order the strongest ale.

Also, are you aware that Zangetsu is the name of a sword in an anime? Pretty cool sword, to be sure, but still...

*I* didn't. I ordered the biggest one (fairly complicated reasons).

And ALL the names of that player's characters are references to other stuff.

Oh, and I forgot about this:

To this day, he believes that it was some magic demon-frog or something.

FROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!

Alex12
2007-12-06, 09:01 AM
We encounter a Mirror of Opposition and all get duplicated, and then attacked. So the fighter-type and his copy are flying around (their power armor is kinda like Schlock Mercenary armor, but better) attacking each other with remarkably powerful weapons, us wizards and our copies are flinging absurdly powerful spells and counterspells at each other (maximized twinned empowered quickened stilled silent Energy Drain? Counterspell! Ray of Nuking? Counterspell!)
Meanwhile, both rogues turn invisible.
our Rogue:(OOC)can I make a Diplomacy check?
DM::smallconfused: ...Okay, I guess. What do you say?
Rogue: Wait! Why are you attacking us? What did we ever do to you?
other Rogue (played by DM):Uh...we have to?
ours:Why? You have all our memories and knowledge. You want to live too, right? That's a Mirror of Opposition-if one of us dies, his counterpart will vanish too, so you can't win in combat. If we agree to stop, you'll continue existing, and you'll be able to do what you want.
DM:(OOC)Okay, roll now
Rogue:*rolls* *gets a 3*:smallfrown:
DM:wait...*works it out* Aand...that's still high enough.:smallannoyed: Your counterpart stops trying to kill you.
Rogue(IC): hey, other-me, we should try to get them to stop fighting.

long story short, they did, we made peace, destroyed the mirror, and the duplicates went on their way.

SoD
2007-12-06, 09:44 AM
Brother Dvalr, my Dwarven Monk with a charisma score of 4 or 5ish. Of course, I loved roleplaying out the poor charisma, and the others loved me doing it, so, whenever we had to talk our way out, he'd generally manage it. Somehow. Well, actually...he wouldn't, but it'd be fun!

We were caught in someone house in the middle of the night. The NPC asks why we're there, so they call out to me. In walks Brother Dvalr saying ''Hey, there's no way that a sargent of the watch can afford all this shi-oh, hello.''
''Why are you in my house?''
''Because we're on to your sceme, skipping stuff off the top and if you continue it, we're going to-''
''How'd you find out?!''
''...we didn't. I was bluffing you.''

We had some strange alchemical mixture, so I was sent to find out what it was. Upon finding the Alchemists Guild:
Me: *knock knock*

Me: *knock knock*

Me: *KNOCK KNOCK!*

Me: ''Oh, stuff it!'' I pick the lock.
DM: You're a monk. You don't have the right skill.
Me: I've got a ceremonial waraxe! It's a wooden door.

After 'picking the lock' I walk into the head alchemists office, catching him in a comprimising position...

Me: ''Oi, you looney bastard! What's this stuff!''

Snadgeros
2007-12-06, 10:08 AM
Alright. One more from my half-orc monk/drunken master. We were face-to-face with a rock monster we knew we couldn't take, but we didn't need to fight it anyway. There was some medallion in this place that we needed to find, but the rock monster wouldn't give it to us without an exchange. Knowing that this....thing eats rocks and metal, we developed an idea and left it to the charismatic bard to diplomacy our way through this. Unfortunately, this monster only speaks very limited common. Like, Thog-level intelligence really.

Dervish leader: Why don't we give him gold? Like, an equal amount, about the same size as the medallion?
Bard: Sounds like a fair deal, and he said he doesn't like the taste of the medallion anyway.
Dervish: So that'd be like, volume-wise, how much?
DM: Ummm....yeah, about this big......100 gold sounds fine.
Dervish: Alright so we give the rock monster 100 gold in exchange for the medallion.
Bard: I'm trying to think of a way to say this in simpler terms so he understands us.

Now by this point I just want them to get the hell on with it so my half-orc monk/drunken master steps in with his 7 charisma.

Me: Oh for Christ's sake. YOU HAVE SHINY ROCK! WE WANT SHINY ROCK! WE GIVE YOU TASTY SHINIES FOR SHINY ROCK! WE GIVE YOU THIS MUCH TASTY SHINIES! (I hold out my hands to the size of the medallion.)
Monster: THAT SOUND LIKE GOOD DEAL! GIVE ME TASTY SHINIES! SHINY ROCK OVER THERE!

Yes, the 7 charisma half-orc had to translate from "Common" to "Stupid" because he's the only one dumb enough to have it as a bonus language.