Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 14: The DM is not my therapist.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Warlocks do not have to undergo a naked transformation sequence to use their powers.
** No not even then.
*** Mainly because I will describe it.

[Rater202]

Under no circumstances can my gimmick be that my blood is a separate entity that is subservient to my will and who happens to be made of an improbably large number of magical artifacts and pieces of advanced technology so that every time I get cut a whole ****ing arsenal pops out.

[TeChameleon]

Under no circumstances can my gimmick be that my blood is a separate entity that is subservient to my will and who happens to be made of an improbably large number of magical artifacts and pieces of advanced technology so that every time I get cut a whole ****ing arsenal pops out.
See, I'd allow this, and then have the character be prone to nosebleeds by DM fiat... "Is that a plasma cannon up your nose, or are you just happy to see me?" :smalltongue:

* I am no longer allowed to create superweapons. The DM is tired of needing to have a backup setting.

[Lord Raziere]

* I may not be a hybrid of Klyntar, Jenova, the Flood, the Redlight Virus and the Tyranids
** The Forerunners are not food for my inevitable expansion, nor is the Halo universe expendable
*** May not go to Kingdom Hearts just to acquire the power of Darkness as a heartless and destroy all of its worlds
**** May not create Infinite Celestialsapien-Human hybrid clones of myself to throw at my enemies
***** my main body being invincible while my vulnerable heart is in a separate body made of darksteel is just cheating

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer spar the patriarch of the clan (my party mate's clan) and when I have beaten him (wooden weapons) look around at the gathered crowd and cry out "Are you not entertained?"

** May not then engage in horizontal workouts with two of the more athletic ladies in the crowd

*** May also not get the berserkers from the Silver Horn of Valhalla (we called them vikings since there were some berserkers fighting us) drunk after they dismember most of the opposition.

**** May not tell a lich who is trying to no longer be undead/redead/not dead the following: "Having been raised on a farm, I learned that sometimes you have to realize that you can't un**** that goat."

[Rater202]

I should probably stop trying to figure out how to get everything needed for my entire power growth path early on into the campaign.

[Bohandas]

The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear is not an excerpt from a speech by Franklin Roosevelt

[Alabenson]

**** May not tell a lich who is trying to no longer be undead/redead/not dead the following: "Having been raised on a farm, I learned that sometimes you have to realize that you can't un**** that goat."

This phrase is not related to why my character is an adventurer, and I am forbidden to insinuate otherwise.

[Telok]

Triple weapon fighting with laser chainsaw pasties is no longer allowed.

[Rater202]

I need a very good reason to claim to be a tree if I'm human-sized, human-shaped, and demonstrably made of meat.

[Lord Raziere]

* May not steal ideas from a fanfic called "abusing exotic metaphysics for fun and profit"
** May not do so using Elder Scrolls Shadow Magic
*** May not do using Tonal Manipulation
**** Especially not both together to do potentially anything
***** May not trap things in a hypercube made of themselves outside the universe.

[Rater202]

I can't have my entire character motivation be "travel the multiverse jabbing people with stand arrows to see what happens."

[Anonymouswizard]

* My Use Rope modifier is -20 until I visit my girlfriend.

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer catch a cracking, crackling (with lightning) phoenix egg that flies off of the wagon because the horse bolted.
** May no longer hex the halfling monk.
*** May no longer dice the enemy druid into tiny bits (with my ax) and burn its into fine ash using shrubbery branches.
**** May no longer respond to questions like "Wait, that druid is related to a phoenix, what if she arises out of her own ashes" with "Gee, I hadn't thought of that!"

[Anonymouswizard]

* Yes I can depict orcs as Jägermonsters.
** No this does not make hats a valid substitute for trousers.
*** I am to stop trying to make the setting clothing-optional.
**** The GM is not a spoilsport.

[thorr-kan]

* Yes I can depict orcs as Jägermonsters.
** No this does not make hats a valid substitute for trousers.
<SNIP!>
**** The GM is not a spoilsport.
"Any plan where you lose your hat <pants> is a bad plan."

No, it scans. I think your GM is Wrong, and being a spoilsport, too.

Just to be safe, I had this opinion verified by independent fact checkers.

[Bohandas]

*I am not on close enough terms with the Great Old Ones to address Cthulhu as "Lou"
**or "Cathy"

[TeChameleon]

* If we're doing a long-term infiltration mission in the middle of a massive, dangerous empire, bringing back a character who has a proven track record of creativity, cunning, and fantastic stealth is probably a pretty good idea
** that the same character also has a proven track record of having a slightly loose grasp on reality, creeping everyone out, and using pretty much all of that creativity, cunning, and stealth towards murder on the largest scale he can manage doesn't seem to have occurred to the other players

[Alabenson]

The verbal component to detect evil is not "oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got a bad feeling 'bout you"

[KorvinStarmast]

The verbal component to detect evil is not "oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got a bad feeling 'bout you" Wait, it isn't.
*Hurridly updates spell book*

* May not order three frozen margaritas at the new bar on the space station; the one called Double Vision.
** May not insist that they be Cold As Ice.
*** May not tell the GM that Foreigner isn't that good of a band.
**** My not sell alien artifacts without first asking the robotic/android party member to project a picture of it as a 3D hologram (I mean, if R2D2 can do it, a more advanced android can do it!)
***** May not accompany the {android} to the ship's science lab to see how the drugs we "found" affected it.
****** When the security officer asks why I am still down there, may not reply "I like to watch."
******* May not let the android chug the entire bowl of queso dip at the Teamsters meeting in the spaceport.

[Bohandas]

The headband of intellect does not look like a colorful 1980's workout headband

[Lord Raziere]

* Bear Style does mean I should go around crushing people to death with certain holds going "bear hug!"
** Monkey Style is not an excuse to use Monkey Plucks the Root against every male foe they see
*** Toad Style does not have techniques for extending your tongue to grapple foes
**** Rat Style isn't enhanced by eating cheese before you fight.

[TeChameleon]

The verbal component to detect evil is not "oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got a bad feeling 'bout you"

* It's also not "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes."
** By the same token, the verbal component of Smite is not "By the winking of my eyes, something wicked this way dies." (with apologies to pterry :smalltongue:)

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer web the enemy NPC mage to the bar
** May no longer snigger while the two dwarf fighters tenderize him with their war hammers.
*** May no longer pay for damages to the bar with electrum coins.

[danielxcutter]

Wait, why is this a bad thing?

[Bohandas]

*The song "You've Got A Friend" by Carole King is not about Beetlejuice
**or Candyman
***or the King In Yellow
****♪Just call out my name and you know wherever I am, I'll come running ♪

[KorvinStarmast]

* Will never again let party member order a six pack of hookers
** Will not assume that the rich nerd is the one with the interest in alien archeology (his date was)
*** Will not agree to breaking the seal on the locked bio lab on a planet where all survivors of previous expedition perished.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Will never again let party member order a six pack of hookers

How else are you supposed to get one of every gender? :smallconfused:

[KorvinStarmast]

How else are you supposed to get one of every gender? :smallconfused:
Part of the problem was that the android PC had left her genitalia back on our ship... while I suppose that's a benefit of modular construction, it caught us by surprise. :smalleek: Also, there's the not so fun fact that in space, there are no oysters.

[Bohandas]

*Adorjan the Silent Wind is not "The primordial god of farts"
**Even if she does take the form of a wind that is both silent and deadly

[KorvinStarmast]

*Adorjan the Silent Wind is not "The primordial god of farts"
**Even if she does take the form of a wind that is both silent and deadly

She is now an NPC in my next campaign, however. :smallbiggrin:

[Bohandas]

*When my cleric's god tells him to fast in the desert that doesn;t mean to go to Vegas and drink malt liquor on an empty stomach

[Rockphed]

*When my cleric's god tells him to fast in the desert that doesn;t mean to go to Vegas and drink malt liquor on an empty stomach

** Nor does it mean to load up the rocket cars in Bonneville.
*** Wildshaping into a cactus is right out.

[Anonymouswizard]

From some setting building and brainstorming.

* Elves are not serial hermaphrodites.
** Humans do not think they're all women because they only meet them in girl stage.
*** Old elves do not brow long beards, retreat to isolated communities, tame deer, and build toys for the good boys and girls.

* No pointing out how dwarves are clearly vegetarian while elves hunt for food.

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer reduce a cursed item to dust by casting dispel magic and remove curse in that order.
(Mage + Warlock)
** May no longer snort all of that gold dust up my nose. (Barbarian)
*** My no longer go spelunking into a bar wench (gnome rogue)
**** May no longer cast Rary's Telepathic Bond on the whole group ... right before the bard takes his groupie into the next room for a session of vigorous horizontal acrobatics. (Warlock)
***** May no longer use a water elemental to rig a boat race (Warlock)

[Rater202]

In hindsight, using a supermode that risks severe organ damage just to intimidate some jerk was probably a bad idea.

[RedMage125]

***** May no longer use a water elemental to rig a boat race (Warlock)

This is actually an awesome idea.

[KorvinStarmast]

This is actually an awesome idea. Most of the party have already placed their wagers. :smallbiggrin:

[Rater202]

Thre are better songs to use for a workout montage than the original English Pokemon theme.

[Tohron]

*Craft(Pun) is not a skill
**You cannot prove it is through demonstration
***...please stop

[Rater202]

*Any build that will let me successfully bluff a God into thinking that I'm a more powerful god while also being able to back it up if the bluff is called without actually being anything resembling a deity is banned.

*In a Marvel Superheroes Game with the theme of being Kid Hero Legacy characters, I can't be the child of Cletus Kassady and Frances Barrison.
**Not even if I have a detailed backstory with citations of in-universe lore full of deep cuts to justify her powers being what they are.
***Not even if I've planned out a narrative arc of the child overcoming her inherent antisocial tendencies
****Cassie has to go back int he folder of OCs I'll never use.

[KorvinStarmast]

* My no longer suggest that our sorcerer attune to the cloak of invisibility we found in a chest in a cavern deep, deep in the underdark.
** May no longer swear profusely as I try to tear the cloak off of him as it begins to poison him (Yea, cursed cloak of poisoning, or some such).

[Lord Raziere]

* My superhero backstory can't be "raised by the most toxic Bat-Family expy possible"
** Similarly my Superman expy can't be "adjusting not the superman side of it, but the normal man side of it to be more accurate and colorful to what a normal person is so that the normal man is more sympathetic"
*** My Spiderman expy can't just post superhero donation goals on patreon and Kofi.
**** nor can they just twitch stream their own superheroics.

[KorvinStarmast]

* Will not approach the vampire tribbles without nukes.
** Will not nuke them from orbit, even if it's the only way to be sure.

[Rater202]

*In a Marvel Superheroes game, I can not subvert anti-symbiote measures by having my symbiote legally registered as an emotional support animal.
**Nor can I support anti-mutant measures by having Mutant PCs registered as a the same.
***My argument can't be "half the time they're legally not human, the bigots have to have expected people to take advantage, right?"

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer attack the undead in the clothier's shop while other customers are there, lest I upset our barbarian.
** Even if that undead is Strahd.
*** May not compliment him for being a snappy dresser.
**** May no longer challenge the priest's assertion that "this is holy ground" by using Divine Sense to expose three undead who are sitting right there in the church.
***** Even if I am a paladin, I may not do that. :smallyuk:
****** May no longer bring meat pies as snacks for the bard's pet saber toothed tiger.

[Bohandas]

*The Lunar Exalted do not all talk like the Mooninites from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
EDIT:
**"Our vertical leap is beyons all measurement"

[TeChameleon]

* I may no longer make characters that the DM finds interesting/amusing. They get integrated into the plots and then things just go strange because my characters are universally weirdoes.

* The DM may no longer name all the towns on his map by demanding the players come up with them. That's how you get the towns of Atlanta, Bob, Nordburg, Ni, and Zoidburg.

[Rater202]

*I need to stop coming up with Stand Powers that are straightforward and practical.
**Even if 1812 Overture is the perfect name for a Stand whose power is summoning explosives and artillery.
***Especially if this isn't even a JoJo game.

[Anonymouswizard]

*I need to stop coming up with Stand Powers that are straightforward and practical.
**Even if 1812 Overture is the perfect name for a Stand whose power is summoning explosives and artillery.

Nah, that's fine, you'll just have the drawback that it can only be summoned shortly before quarter past six.


* The game including sex moves is not a reason to encourage characters to have sex.

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer join a Drow caravan in the Underdark under the premise that we are a freak show hired by a Drow noble house for their amusement... we responded to a want ad in a sending.

** May not explain that I (the bearded lady, rogue, thanks Belt of Dwarvenkind), the stupid dwarf (INT 5), the Athlete (Fighter) and the Strong man (Barbarian) are accompanied by the stage magician (Sorcerer) and the Jongleur (Bard) for light entertainment.

*** May not then roll a 36 on a Charisma (Persuasion) check to convince the guards at the gate to the inner city that because we two ladies are leading the troupe, the males will follow our orders and are our servants/boy toys.

Belt Of Dwarvenkind | Wondrous item, rare (requires attunement)
While wearing this belt, you gain the following benefits:


Your Constitution score increases by 2, to a maximum of 20.
You have advantage on Charisma (Persuasion) checks made to interact with dwarves.

In addition, while attuned to the belt, you have a 50 percent chance each day at dawn of growing a full beard if you’re capable of growing one, or a visibly thicker beard if you already have one.

If you aren’t a dwarf, you gain the following additional benefits while wearing the belt:

You have advantage on saving throws against poison, and you have resistance against poison damage.
You have darkvision out to a range of 60 feet.
You can speak, read, and write Dwarvish

.

[Bohandas]

*Goku's cloud is not a fart
**No, I don't know why it's yellowish brown

[KorvinStarmast]

* My no longer run the gauntlet between rows of psychotic spike shooting space plants.
** My no longer, as a group, run away from the security robots while crying out "run away, run away" like Monty Python.
*** May no longer try to talk to space monkeys.

[Rater202]

The key to surviving in Call of Cthulhu or other games in the Mythos setting is not "enough drugs and booze to make it so you can't process the horror."

[danielxcutter]

I mean, it worked for Old Man Henderson.

[thorr-kan]

I mean, it worked for Old Man Henderson.
OMH *WAS* the Mythos creature.

[Anonymouswizard]

The key to surviving in Call of Cthulhu or other games in the Mythos setting is not "enough drugs and booze to make it so you can't process the horror."

** Neither is it 'buy the insane asylum so you can discharge yourself once you've successfully achieved immunity to the horrors'.

On that note, from what I remember about minmaxing in past editions:
* The median age of the party should be younger than Cthulhu.

[KorvinStarmast]

* May not try to web the stone golem. (Stupid advantage on saves versus magic!)

** May not wait for the second stone golem to show up before I cast banishment. (Yes, I got them both).

[Lord Torath]

* May no longer use stolen Silvanesti paralysis arrows to one-shot great wyrms.
** Seriously, taking them out just as they're swooping in to breathe just takes all the fun out of them. Even if they both rolled 'Nat 1's for their saves.
*** Three? Oh, come ON!

[vasilidor]

Not allowed to use OMH as a god in my setting.