Funniest D&D "How Do I Talk To Boys" Ideas

[Sparky McDibben]

Got someone playing a drow. She's having some romantic difficulties, and is going to go talk to her mom (high priestess of Lolth) about how to talk to men. Please give me your funniest ideas on how I can run this conversation.

*Note: Using enchantment to obtain consent from someone in this world has been established as a form of assault, so I'm going to have to pass on those ideas.

[sithlordnergal]

Have the mother give unintentionally threatening advice. My greatest sidequest involved a Dragon "attacking" a town. It was stealing cattle, destroying buildings, and demanded, I quote" they sacrifice a maiden to the dragon of the mountain".

In reality, the Dragon was just unaware of courting practices, was accidentally destroying buildings cause they under-estimated their weight and strength, and was taking cattle to prepare a feast.


Given this is a high priestess of Lolth, I would imagine that she would have a...warped sense of good courting methods. Things like sending giant spiders to carefully collect her lover and bring them to her temple for a nice, relaxing dinner. The spiders would obviously have to wrap the guy up in order to carry him and keep him safe.

[No brains]

Deliver it as something between a public speaking class and an emergency tip on how to scare off a mountain lion.

"First, stand tall. Square your shoulders. Next, SPEAK LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE AND STARE LIKE AN ABOLETH! BE THEIR MATERIAL PLANE FOR THEIR OBSEQUIOUSNESS AND BE THEIR HELLS FOR THEIR DISOBEDIENENCE!"

[Zhorn]

I'd say for a tv reference, model the end goal after Azula's (Avatar the Last Airbender) attempts at flirting (The Beach, S3 E5)

[Sparky McDibben]

These are fantastic, thanks, y'all!!

[Chronos]

*Note: Using enchantment to obtain consent from someone in this world has been established as a form of assault, so I'm going to have to pass on those ideas.
To civilized beings, of course. To the drow, and in particular the Lloth priesthood? Make the PC explain to her mom why that's not allowed.

Of course, there's also always the good old "If he dares to say no, send him to the torture chambers". No charm magic required for that one.

[Composer99]

Go for the anime "clingy jealous girl" vibe (https://tropedia.fandom.com/wiki/Clingy_Jealous_Girl), only with all the social power and dignity that comes with being a high priestess of Lolth.

"A man knows you're into him when you call down Lolth's curses upon anyone else who so much as takes a gander at him. While you're at it, make sure you call down Lolth's curses upon him, too, for drawing their attention."

Alternately, flip the script on "lazy entitled husband" jokes. (See this segment (https://youtu.be/2Dq0suxwkPo?list=PLL8y7oZURqDzQUGe8ppGUHad1kq7iWwA-&t=840) from "The Thin Blue Line" for instance, ending about a minute later.)

[Corran]

Got someone playing a drow. She's having some romantic difficulties, and is going to go talk to her mom (high priestess of Lolth) about how to talk to men. Please give me your funniest ideas on how I can run this conversation.

*Note: Using enchantment to obtain consent from someone in this world has been established as a form of assault, so I'm going to have to pass on those ideas.
Ok. If age generation gap is a thing in real life, imagine how worse it could be for people with a greater life span. The ideas of the drow mom might have worked in a different time but they outdated and seriously not cool. Snapping your fingers and motioning for someone to follow you, or having them captured and carried to your chambers, is no longer considered romantic. Asking playfully someone if they prefer to become food or entertainment is no longer met by a rush of agony immediately followed by a storm of compliments and a newborn desire to please, but most commonly by a half hearted acceptance and perhaps even some well desreved discrete mockery (what century did you crawl from), which kills the mood.

If the mom cared to update her wooing skills though, she might have some better advice. Pet spiders (especially those of the larger variety) are the best wingmen. Nothing like a large pet spider to project that you are a responsible person who can care for and support someone. They are great at breaking the ice too. Eventually you could even use it as an excuse to invite someone over at your place. "Hey, do you want to come by later tonight to watch me feed Mr Bigglesworth?". For a drow romance I bet there are not many things that can beat the screams of terror of the soon to be eaten at setting a romantic mood.

[Keravath]

Got someone playing a drow. She's having some romantic difficulties, and is going to go talk to her mom (high priestess of Lolth) about how to talk to men. Please give me your funniest ideas on how I can run this conversation.

*Note: Using enchantment to obtain consent from someone in this world has been established as a form of assault, so I'm going to have to pass on those ideas.

So I am guessing that Drow and Lolth are not evil in your game world? She is a happy cooperative diety who gets along with the rest of the pantheon and Drow are good folks who are just misunderstood?

I make the comments because I am honestly confused. What other advice would a drow high priestess of Lolth who is used to taking whatever she wants, where the males in her society are subservient and expected to fulfill even the slightest wish of a matriarch, where concepts like consent are likely laughed at ... what other advice is she likely to give?

Drow don't usually have any issues with "assault" since they typically keep slaves among other more heinous activities.

So, I am guessing that the Drow and Lolth in your world are not the same as would be found in other worlds where the drow really wouldn't usually care about assault, consent or other "good" concepts.

In the rare case where their usual tactics wouldn't work, they'd likely suggest bribery. Give them a nice horse, some gold, whatever they want so that they will do as you require.

In terms of keeping their stable of males "happy" .. if that is a goal, the matriarch might suggest things like not picking a favorite - keep them contending against each other to please you so that you get better service and enjoy the spectacle of the competition. Make sure they stay busy, give them things to do, males that are lying around doing nothing think too much. Reward good service and punish mistakes so that they keep trying harder. The concept of trying to attract a male, let alone a non-drow (of what possible interest would they be?), is likely quite foreign though she might understand the lure of trying to dominate males of other species. A matriarch of Lolth is unlikely to suggest anything remotely acceptable by real world standards.

[Sparky McDibben]

So I am guessing that Drow and Lolth are not evil in your game world? She is a happy cooperative diety who gets along with the rest of the pantheon and Drow are good folks who are just misunderstood?

I make the comments because I am honestly confused. What other advice would a drow high priestess of Lolth who is used to taking whatever she wants, where the males in her society are subservient and expected to fulfill even the slightest wish of a matriarch, where concepts like consent are likely laughed at ... what other advice is she likely to give?

This would take way too long to get into, but in my world, Lolth's had about three campaign's worth of character development*, spurring a cultural revolution among the drow to get over their self-destructive tendencies. They aren't good, by any means, any more than all humans are good. But the drow aren't cartoonishly evil, either; slavery's been outlawed, and men are technically allowed to hold positions of authority (but rarely do). That revolution has taken place over the last 500 or so years (which would have started when her mom was a novice priestess).

*I've got one player who really likes playing drow and half-drow characters, and she's had to grapple with the wickedness of drow society over those three campaigns. Outlawing slavery occupied ten levels of adventuring and is still having ripple effects.


In the rare case where their usual tactics wouldn't work, they'd likely suggest bribery. Give them a nice horse, some gold, whatever they want so that they will do as you require.

In terms of keeping their stable of males "happy" .. if that is a goal, the matriarch might suggest things like not picking a favorite - keep them contending against each other to please you so that you get better service and enjoy the spectacle of the competition. Make sure they stay busy, give them things to do, males that are lying around doing nothing think too much. Reward good service and punish mistakes so that they keep trying harder. The concept of trying to attract a male, let alone a non-drow (of what possible interest would they be?), is likely quite foreign though she might understand the lure of trying to dominate males of other species. A matriarch of Lolth is unlikely to suggest anything remotely acceptable by real world standards.

These are interesting ideas, and thanks!

[No brains]

Maybe if you want to go really obtusely meta, make the mom give an optimization guide to talking to boys.

"Now twisting your hair around your finger is an orange option. It has very specific uses, but in the majority of situations, it doesn't combine well with other options. Eye contact is blue. Knowing when to use it, when not to use it, and how other things interact with it is the bread and butter of a boy-talking build."

[Unoriginal]

Got someone playing a drow. She's having some romantic difficulties, and is going to go talk to her mom (high priestess of Lolth) about how to talk to men. Please give me your funniest ideas on how I can run this conversation.

*Note: Using enchantment to obtain consent from someone in this world has been established as a form of assault, so I'm going to have to pass on those ideas.

"Daughter mine, talking to boys is like talking to anyone else: trust yourself, and show who you are, in all your might and wisdom and glory. If that somehow does not result in the man wanting to worship your everything and be jealous of the ground you walk on for having the blessing of touching you, it is solely the man's loss."

[Laserlight]

Got someone playing a drow. She's having some romantic difficulties, and is going to go talk to her mom (high priestess of Lolth) about how to talk to men. Please give me your funniest ideas on how I can run this conversation.

*Note: Using enchantment to obtain consent from someone in this world has been established as a form of assault, so I'm going to have to pass on those ideas.


Look up the clip of "How do you attract a man" from the 1984 Conan.

[Beelzebub1111]

"First you must state your intentions to the male's parents and offer a suitible dowery for the betrothal. Then send for him to arrive at your home within the month. Upon delivery, The head maid will instruct him on his duties as first husband and prepare him for you. Quite simple all said."

"What about...letting him know about how I feel? How do I make sure he feels the same way?"

"I don't see how that factors into anything."

[KorvinStarmast]

So I am guessing that Drow and Lolth are not evil in your game world? She is a happy cooperative diety who gets along with the rest of the pantheon and Drow are good folks who are just misunderstood?

I make the comments because I am honestly confused. What other advice would a drow high priestess of Lolth who is used to taking whatever she wants, where the males in her society are subservient and expected to fulfill even the slightest wish of a matriarch, where concepts like consent are likely laughed at ... what other advice is she likely to give?

Drow don't usually have any issues with "assault" since they typically keep slaves among other more heinous activities.

So, I am guessing that the Drow and Lolth in your world are not the same as would be found in other worlds where the drow really wouldn't usually care about assault, consent or other "good" concepts.

In the rare case where their usual tactics wouldn't work, they'd likely suggest bribery. Give them a nice horse, some gold, whatever they want so that they will do as you require.

In terms of keeping their stable of males "happy" .. if that is a goal, the matriarch might suggest things like not picking a favorite - keep them contending against each other to please you so that you get better service and enjoy the spectacle of the competition. Make sure they stay busy, give them things to do, males that are lying around doing nothing think too much. Reward good service and punish mistakes so that they keep trying harder. The concept of trying to attract a male, let alone a non-drow (of what possible interest would they be?), is likely quite foreign though she might understand the lure of trying to dominate males of other species. A matriarch of Lolth is unlikely to suggest anything remotely acceptable by real world standards. Nice job laying out my basic response. :smallcool:

"First you must state your intentions to the male's parents and offer a suitible dowery for the betrothal. Then send for him to arrive at your home within the month. Upon delivery, The head maid will instruct him on his duties as first husband and prepare him for you. Quite simple all said."

"What about...letting him know about how I feel? How do I make sure he feels the same way?"

"I don't see how that factors into anything." This also fits drow as drow.

--------------

D: But mom, how to I talk to boys?

M: You tell them what you want, what you really, really want.
They know the penalty for not obliging, Spicey.

[Nagog]

"The only time you should speak to a male is to command them."

"Inflicting fear and subservience is far superior and more efficient than vain attempts at romance."

Plot twist: Her mom is just as bad at talking to men as she is.

[Segev]

"Find out what sort of small animals he likes to torture, and command him to attend you on a hunt for them. Order him to beat up another boy for you, and compliment his cruelty; offering him a buff spell to ensure his victory is a sure way to both remind him that he needs you and show him that you're interested."

[Sigreid]

Her Drow mother most likely will not understand why she wants to give the males she's interested in a choice. Unless they already belong to another female, then it's best to poison that female first.

[Kane0]

Its nice to see we all understand how drow society operates lol

[Angelalex242]

Priestess of Elistrae: No no no, don't torture the poor boy, just dance naked for him, he'll figure it out!

Priestess of Lloth: and this is why I poison your kind every time I see you. Clearly you're suppose to tie him up and deliver to him the most exquisite pain and pleasure until he kisses your feet.

Priestess of Elistrae: Well, if he's into that, at least give him a safeword first.

[Segev]

Priestess of Elistrae: No no no, don't torture the poor boy, just dance naked for him, he'll figure it out!

Meanwhile, the boy raised worshipping Elistraee: "Oh, great, she wants me to attend more church services."

[Angelalex242]

Priestess of Elistrae: Well...in fairness, we do have more children on average than priestesses of Lloth. More naked time, less torture time....

Priestess of Lloth: Yeah, but my children have each poisoned and killed my enemies!

Priestess of Elistrae: ...sure, but I have grandkids.

[Zhorn]

Its nice to see we all understand how drow society operates lol
WotC can jump through all the hoops they want in trying to reclass drow as a predominantly good and kind people, but we all know how drow truly are.

[Sigreid]

WotC can jump through all the hoops they want in trying to reclass drow as a predominantly good and kind people, but we all know how drow truly are.

Well, I mean the defining act that created the Drow was turning against elven society to worship their demon goddess, so...

[Unoriginal]

Well, I mean the defining act that created the Drow was turning against elven society to worship their demon goddess, so...

According to 5e, all the elves turned against elven society to worship Lolth.

The Drows were just the ones who kept doing it once the elves realized that losing your demigodhood out of petulance was kind of was a bad move.

[KorvinStarmast]

According to 5e, all the elves turned against elven society to worship Lolth.
Uh, what? Where is this written?

The Drows were just the ones who kept doing it once the elves realized that losing your demigodhood out of petulance was kind of was a bad move. Yeah, edge lords and elves. Great fit. No wonder Drzzt ended up the way he did. :smalltongue:

[Tanarii]

This would take way too long to get into, but in my world, Lolth's had about three campaign's worth of character development*, spurring a cultural revolution among the drow to get over their self-destructive tendencies. They aren't good, by any means, any more than all humans are good. But the drow aren't cartoonishly evil, either; slavery's been outlawed, and men are technically allowed to hold positions of authority (but rarely do). That revolution has taken place over the last 500 or so years (which would have started when her mom was a novice priestess).
This makes it next to impossible to answer your question in a way that'll necessarily fit your campaign. We'd need to get a three campaign character growth plus cultural revolution synopsis, including how the old guard priesthood is reacting and how the specific priestess is reacting.

------

Anyway, some generic and some based off your recent rapid societal changes campaign:
- Open your mouth and make words come out.
- Don't ask me, I used to just enchant them but that's off limits now.
- Ask your father. Father: Ask your mother.
- I hear there's a new app you can use for dating on the Lolth Interwebs (https://critical-hits.com//blog/2016/02/02/lloth-goddess-of-the-underdark-wide-web/)
- Go to an Elistrae Dance Party, they're legal now.

[Kane0]

Well she's a high priest, so presumably good wisdom. "The best advice i could give you is literally outdated. I suppose you could ask a male? Or [insert other female elf name], i hear she caught a good male without any... modern sensibilities being offended"

[Sigreid]

According to 5e, all the elves turned against elven society to worship Lolth.

The Drows were just the ones who kept doing it once the elves realized that losing your demigodhood out of petulance was kind of was a bad move.

Yeah, I'll stick to the old lore.

[Easy e]

Look up the clip of "How do you attract a man" from the 1984 Conan.

I was actually thinking Cher from Clueless instead of Conan.

[KorvinStarmast]

Look up the clip of "How do you attract a man" from the 1984 Conan.
https://youtu.be/WPkhh5JytYE
Grace Jones, for the win. :smallsmile: