View Full Version : Letters By Post, Clack, or Complaint Box

2007-12-18, 05:24 PM
This letter is found pinned the the door of your office
(December 18th, Century of the Anchovy)

To whichever Ombudsmen may be concerned,

A welcome to you and your business partners from myself and the rest of the Board of Governors. Your entrance into our family could not come at a more joyous occasion. This fiscal period we have seen tremendous growth once stabilized to Mr. von Lipwig's fiat currency.

But growth comes with tight pants does it not Gentlemen? The Beggers' Guild has been scratching at our doors whining for equalization payments while the Thieves' Guild has gone and raised quotas yet again. This is where you come in. The economic tailors.

And with Hogwatchnight only a week away I do hope you enjoy Fruitcake. It was my wife's idea, not fond of it myself you see, but none the less it should serve you well over the winter. You should find it in a box next to the oak tree we had delivered to spruce up the office a bit.

If he has not already done so, our representative Mr. Serius should be dropping by any day to get you up to speed on our operations. Best of luck,


The Chairman
Guild of Merchants and Traders

2007-12-23, 08:06 PM
This page found on top of a Guild house stack
(Dated Grune 32rd, 1996, Century of the Fruitbat)

Dear Mr. Fusslewig;

As you may recall, your loan has lapsed.

Under section 1324, Act elevenish, clause ZZ: to whomever inherits unwanted barrels of fish...................................

[the note continues on at length into legal and financial posturing]

Should you fail to comply with these summons, our associate Mr. Tulip will most kindly assist you.


Bob Marley

2007-12-26, 12:36 PM
First page that caught Grax's eye in the Guildhouse
(Dated Sektober 15, 2007, Century of the Anchovy)

Gnomes, Gnomes, GNOMES!!!

Come Party, Party, Party!!!

At Ms. Fanybright's Thursday night GnomeNation(tm) raves*!!! Live bands, live entertainment, and live food!!!

Talk to McGuffin the bouncer outside after 9pm at the corner of Ankh and Dimwell.

*Ms. Fanybright takes no responsibility for lost items, euphoria, or disturbing mental images of gnomes raving

2007-12-26, 12:44 PM
Second page Grax uncovers in the Guildhouse
(Dated April 26, 2007, Century of the Anchovy)

A Homeowner's Guide to Ankh-Morpork

Lock doors and windows at night...and during the day...just lock them
Do not talk to strangers, without a weapon
Do not take candy from strangers
Leave 5g every second Tuesday thrown down the privy for Harry King and his boys at Sewage and Septic Sucking Services
The local fire brigade can be found near the docks on Endless Street.
The Thieve's Guild quotas for citizens in this neighborhood is 10%
This neighborhood supports Block Parents
Do not drink from the river
This neighborhood has a 0% tolerance for Slab, Scrape, Slice, Slide, Slunkie, Slurp, or Sliver dealers

2007-12-26, 12:56 PM
Third page found by Grax in the Guildhouse
(Dated Ember 13th, 2007, Century of the Anchovy)

He knows when you are sleeping / He knows when you're awake / He knows if you've been bad or good so convert to Om for goodness sake.

Cuius testiculos habes, habeas cardia et cerebellum
The Quisition

2008-01-04, 06:55 PM
Guild Alert: Unlicensed Halfling Thief on the Prowl
(Dated December 21th, 2007, Century of the Anchovy)

Sash the Halfling

Where-abouts unknown, last seen in the North-West of town.

[There is an iconograph of a young halfling female. She is snearing from beneath a cloak that covers most of her small frame. Her left hand, seen holding a bottle of elvish brandy, is missing the ring finger. The picture seems to be taken at the edge of a busy street.]

The young miss Sash is to be escorted to Mr. Tartin of the Merchant's Guild. He can be located at the corner of Edgeway and Ankh Street within "The Plaid Diamond" jewelery shop.

2008-01-04, 07:05 PM
Guild Alert: Local Annoyance
(Dated December 19th, 2007, Century of the Anchovy)

Name Unknown

Often found near the docks.

[There is an iconograph of an aged man wearing what seems to be a suite of seashells. His hair is scraggly and wet, and a long unkept beard rims his lower face. He is wild eyed and the imp clearly caught his image in the middle of screaming.]

Warning: this old man is beligerent and fanatical. He has not yet been physically violent, but contantly verbally harrasses the dockside shops. The local fishmongers and dockworkers have put together a reward to whomever can rid them of the this old-timer.

2008-01-04, 07:24 PM
Guild Alert: Slave-Trader
(Dated December 23th, 2007, Century of the Anchovy)

Theor H'rashin

Location unknown, but is known to affiliate with the Blackwater Gang in the North-West district of town.

[There is an iconograph of a shadow. You can make out leather boots at the bottom of the photograph, however much of the subjects features are blurred by a darkness that seems to be reaching out towards to iconagrapher.]

Slavery is illegal and currently a hot political issue due to Ms. Dearheart's Golem Trust publicity. It is therefore in our best interests to distance ourselves for old, questionable contacts. The Guild wishes to make a public show that we indeed support the elimination of slavery as a form of commerce. The apprehension of Theor H'rashin, and subsequent delivery of him to the Watch, will help our public relations on this manner.

2008-01-05, 12:19 PM
Merchant Guild Contracts
(Translated By Grax)

The following Ombudsmen agree to abide by the following:

1. To take responsibility for all mercantile-related complaints and issues within the specified region (the streets as already defined earlier).

2. To actively support Guild members and uphold the Guild's standing.

3. To rent a guildhouse for 5% of all earnings aquired through Guild work contracts.

3. i. To be held responsible to damages to said guildhouse
3. ii. To upkeep the guildhouse, pay its taxes, and associated fees.
3. iii. The Guild agrees that any upgrades or additional fund spent to
improve the guildhouse will be conscidered towards payment of rent
at 75% cost.

4. To join in arms towards campaigns supporting the Guild if drafted by the Chairman.

5. To only join other guilds if the duties and benefits of said guild does not impeed fullfiling duties towards the Merchants' Guild.

6. To actively work against the Thieves Guild impact upon commerce.

7. To shut down and report unlicensed merchants to the Guild



2008-04-26, 09:02 AM
Theor H'Rashin, crimes against Ankh-Morpork
(within the Watch archives)

Crimes: Smuggling, slavery, grand theft wagon, and one account of domestic familiar battery.

Suspected Crimes: Illegal arms distribution, gang associations, hate crimes against free golems.

Associates: Blackwater Gang (see file), has a cousin Hran who runs an incense shop near the docks. Hran has been investigated several times but no evidence of corruption or illegal wares are ever found within his shop (no file).

Whereabouts: Unknown.