Life after Divorce...

[Pwenet]

As some of you may/may not know by some posts I made last month in the Depression Thread (Post 1209 Starts it off) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=45049&page=41) I get to go through the very fun and expensive divorce process from my wife.

It has been over a month I realized since everything went down, and I'm finally starting to get back on track in many regards. The paperwork is still going through, but all in all there is nothing that will stop it, and once the paper chase is over, it is literally over.

What I wish to ask you, the playground, anyone else who is a victim of this unfortunate experience, what advice can you give for coping with this and moving on with life?

Thanks.

[smellie_hippie]

just sent you a PM buddy. Hang in there.

*hugs*

[Gorbash]

My life was hard after the end of a 5 month relationship... I really can't imagine what would happen to me after a divorce... :/

[Felixaar]

Harsh, man. Group hug!

[Ashtar]

Well, I went through something that resembles slightly. Six years together, engaged for two years, and it took less than two weeks to fall to bits.

First of all, you have my heartfelt wishes that you find the resources in you to get over this. It takes a lot of time, at least in my case, to get over someone who was this close.

A few pointers, I found to be useful:
- Find something you liked but had set aside during your relationship and get back to it. For me, it was deep sea diving.

- Redecorate! Try to change flat / house / furniture / bed, so that your place is Yours again. I don't mean to say throw everything out, but part of the healing for me is being able to claim my own space again.

- Write her a letter, just write it. Let everything out, leave nothing in, put all your hopes you had, the disappointments, the hate, the pain into the letter. Now put the letter in an envelope, and leave it for two days untouched. After two days, decide if you want to burn it and let everything go, ashes to ashes, or send it or something else. For me, I wrote the letter, and then went to bury it in the woods. It was a powerful gesture which helped me.

- Believe that there are people who love you and care for you.

- Treat yourself to something nice from time to time, remember, you are worth it!


I wish I could be more helpful, if there is anything I can do, do send me a PM.

Take care,
Ashtar.

[Balkash]

Well, no idea about divorce, but I can say my girlfriend just broke up with me on Christmas. We'd gone out for 2 years and 2 months. All I can say is that I still see her at school and I still ache. If it's possible, I'd just try to stay away from your ex. Like the others said, change the house or apartment or whatever, write down your feelings and then burn the letter. Just find a release of the tension and anxiety. Once you've removed her from you're life, you can finally get on with it.

best wishes, stay happy

[Skippy]

*Hugs*

Sorry to hear about it, pal. Losing the love of someone is always a hard thing. I know it.

I broke up with my ex girlfriend last year, after a relationship of three and a half years. We don't speak to each other anymore. It still hurts sometimes. Particularly because I have another friend who is incredibly like her (in the personality).

Cheer up, pal. My best wishes to you.

EDIT: I forgot to add, you can also count on me anytime you like. PM, MSN or whatever you like.

[Mountain_Faerie]

Hey Pwenet,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm giving you the condensed version of my story.


I was married to my 1st husband for 7 years. We had our ups and downs and tended to get along better when we weren't in the same place. We were both strong willed, so it wasn't a very pretty sight when we got into a fight. We also married young, so we had a lot of growing up to do while we were together.

At age 26, 1st husband decided he wanted to start dating again (I at least found out about it when he was 26). He would start these awful fights and stomp off angry so he could meet his girlfriend for a date. I found out about it when my friend called me to tell me MY husband had shown up at HER house with 2 girls and was trying to pick up HER MAN to go out on a double date with them. She tore them all a new one and then called me.

So, everything went crazy from there. We had 2 kids at that point and I was a stay at home mom. When he walked out the door and left me with both kids and all the bills, it was really stressful. I picked up 2 jobs and the kids and I moved to town. We were on our own for 8 months before I accepted my family's help and moved back home. It took a long time to finish up all the details of the divorce, emotionally, financially, physically... It just takes a while when you've grown accustom to someone. Seven years was a long time to walk away from. At first I was embarrassed to tell anyone what had happened. But now I realize that it was his loss. (He has actually made that really clear through the years since we split up).

To help me deal with the stress, I picked up Yoga and Kung Fu. I met some great people and let out some stress at the same time. I also got counseling for a while with a homeopathic therapist and went to a family therapist with his mom and my kids. It was a little unconventional to be in therapy with his mom, but she and I had a good relationship, so we needed to keep things open.

On a lighter note, there is definitely life after divorce. I met Hippie at a dinner party at a local restaurant/pub. I only knew 2 people at this dinner and got there late, so I ended up sitting with a bunch of strangers. I spent most of the evening talking to Hippie and his roommate, who I assumed were dating. I didn't realize she had a girlfriend and that Hippie was single. A few weeks later, we were set up on a date by our mutual friends (they tricked us both!). We had a really good time, so we started hanging out a little. Things progressed from there. We are now happily married and have been so for the past 4 1/2 years.

I know that you can get past this and be happier than you thought you ever would be. It just takes time. You can PM me if you want to.

[Metal Head]

While I've never had any experience with divorce, my cousin is the son of a divorced couple, so I asked him what I should tell you. The advice I have for you is if you have kids. If not, just ignore me.

Don't argue in front of the kids. They will hate it.
When the other parent isn't around, don't talk about them badly to your kids. It will lessen their respect for both of you.
Also, realize that your kids might try to stay as neutral as possible between parents in an attempt to not be accused of favoring one.
If you start seeing someone else, think about if your kids are truly ready to know about it.
Explain why you got divorced.


If you want some more personal advice, or just someone to talk to then just PM me.

[Zeb The Troll]

The only advice I can give that hasn't been already is to go out and do things. You've probably heard this already, but I'll reiterate it just in case. The worst thing you can do is become a shut in and stress over the past. It doesn't even really matter what you do. Go see a movie, play football in the park with your friends, go bowling, whatever. Doing anything with other people would be even better, but not having friends available is only a minor inconvenience.

*cough*Coming to Cleveland next weekend might not be a bad idea!*cough*

[banjo1985]

Hi there Pwenet, while I can't give any advice, I'm just glad that the whole thing is going through quickly for you. This way you can get on with your life and start to enjoy yourself again. :smallsmile:

I can say from the story you've told me that you deserve better, and once this unpleasant process is done you can set about getting right again. Hang in there pal, you've got my MSN, when I'm on I'm always open to chats :smallbiggrin:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...Time for me to try to start getting out of my self-pity mode and lend some aid.

Pwenet, despite my lack of response of the Depression Thread, I did follow your story. I tend to stay clear of relationship advice, as my perpetual status as a single male doesn't make me the best one to give advice. But I do have a Bor story that fits this topic.

My ex, Robin, lost 90% of her left leg to bone cancer. I wasn't with her when this happened, but got with her two years later. Without covering the times we broke up, got together, and broke up again, we were together over five years. The last two were spent living together.

To back up a moment, when she had cancer, she was with a guy who broke up with her because he simply couldn't handle her being so ill. This was a grudge she carried with her for all the time I knew her.

Well, when I started becoming increasingly ill and was discovering I couldn't hold down a job, Robin hopped out on me. It had to be the most bizarre break-up of my life. She spent the night before at her mother's, and then arrived the next day with BOTH her parents (who are divorced). While she and her mother started packing things, her father explained that things were over, blaming me for things I still don't understand. He said Robin was putting on weight, and it was my fault. :smallconfused: Then, while I was completely stunned over the events, they had me sign paperwork taking her off our apartment lease. (Something I would never have done had I been in my right mind at that moment.)

Back to the apartment we went, where he started taking furniture out to a van that they'd rented. I stood in stunned silence, noting that her mother kept a hand in her purse at all times. I knew without doubt that her hammerless .38 was in there...like I'd EVER raise a hand in anger at ANYONE! I'm a pacifist, and they knew this! I'd already bought the wedding bands for our wedding, and Robin actually tried to take hers. "No," I said. I pointed to the engagement ring she was wearing. "You earned that. You haven't earned this," and I took the band back.

Our final words to one another:

Robin: Take care of yourself.
Me: That's no longer any of your concern.

And then she was gone forever.

Throughout the emotional rollercoaster that followed, I oddly found solice in the one book to which I'd never given much thought. My Bible. (Let it be known that I am not trying to start a religious conversation. I'm simply explaining what I'd done to get through this trial of my life.) I can't say if it was the Scriptures themselves or that my brain had to concentrate on the language of the text, but I found serenity while reading it. Whatever the case may be, my focus was on something other than the fact that one of the greatest loves of my life had simply abandoned me, much in the same fashion her ex had abandoned her when she was at her worst.

My life has taken a severe downward spiral since then, but then I'm physically and mentally ill. (Heck, I went to my shrink recently and saw my psych file...a two-inch thick folder all to myself. I didn't know I was that bad off! :smalleek: ) Despite my literal handicaps, my life goes on.

You seem to be a thoughtful, intelligent guy. Not only do I imagine life going on for you, but moving foward again once this mess is complete. Meanwhile, I recommend finding things to keep your mind from what's happening. Reading my Bible helped me, but that may not be your style at all. Find a book that DOES engage your mind. Go out to cafes and meet people. Talk frequently with friends while trying not to harp on the divorce. Find a new special someone and move on.

You can do it, and we of the Playground have faith in you. :smallsmile:

[Trog]

Concentrate on you for a change. Make a list of what you want out of life and start taking steps to get that.

Buy yourself something nice and frivolous that you will enjoy. Especially if it is something the ex or you had deprived yourself of. It feels nice.

I agree with the redecorating. Nothing more comforting than your own space.

Spend time with supporting friends.

Remember: You are an attractive and lovable person and anyone would be lucky to be with you. Positive self talk. Don't underestimate it.

Best I have man. I've been there. Hang in there. *man hug*

[Toliudar]

I got divorced five years ago, after a nine-year relationship, and it took only six months to completely disintegrate. If you're at the point where divorce is a certainty, Pwenet, then odds are good that the worst is over. A few thoughts:


This is the time when your friends shine. My first instinct was to retreat from the world. Avoid. Coffee with friends. Movies. Whatever keeps you moving. You're likely to be terrible company for a while. Tough. They're friends, they should be able to take it.
To quote my sister, "The most valuable thing I got from the divorce was OUT." Squabble over nothing. Your goal is to get on with the rest of your life as quickly as possible.
If love can come once, it can come again.

[Pwenet]

I first would like to say I would have been very happy to have seen this thread get zero posts, for that would have meant noone else had to go through such events in their lives.

That being said, I wish to thank you all for your support and kindness. I’ll start with a summary of events and then work to individual replies.

Background
While I appreciate all of the advice, some of it does not apply in my case, and as such here is some background explaining why:
Living in the City of the Dying
I married relatively young as well, for my 25th AFONAL day passed on the 22nd of December, and we got married when I was 23, and her 22 after about a couple years of dating and engagement. I was fresh out of college when we got married, and she had dropped out to help care for her grandmother a few years previous but was planning on going back.

At first things were good, especially while I was in school. Sadly the area where I went to school is not doing the best economically, and there are several good schools in the area spitting out graduates who are all fighting for jobs. Her family was from that area, her ENTIRE family and she was close with them, whereas mine are scattered to the four-winds, so I was okay on my own and for her sake we stayed in that area. So needless to say I was pretty desperate for a job, and eventually turned to temporary staffing agencies.

The ex-wife (I consider her ex as of this point now despite the fact legally I’m still married) was limited to basic services jobs, such as a casher at restaurants and the like while I slaved away, and kept getting dropped and hired by the temporary staffing agencies. Money was tight, especially in-between jobs, but we managed to make it work most of the time.

Then came late 2005, where I was let go from a position that was suppose to be temporary to permanent and where I was valued, but the decision was made high on up. Less than a week later she was fired from her job for allegedly stealing money during training (more on this later). Things were very tight, we borrowed some money and went into debt, and I took whatever (censored) job I could while she “tried” to find something.

As you can image, being young, married and having job issues was not good for the stress level. We started fighting a lot, with me wanted to move out of the area to, well, anywhere where I could get a decent job, while she wanted to move into her hometown which was not even a dot on a map and had (censored) for jobs in my field. Believe me, I looked.

I finally got in with a company, worked a few months, and got laid off AGAIN with no warning. We had talked about moving to my folks, for the area was better economically, and my Dad works for a really good Aerospace company his entire life, and he knew they were hiring in my field. Yet for the ex-wife sake I stayed in the area, trying to make it go but with the agreement that if the place I was working at then failed, we would move out (especially since at that point I was working a job that required commuting to the next city over, 55 miles each way!), but after I got laid off, on the day we were about to renew our lease, that was it. I told her that we were done with this area, and we would move out.

We almost split up then cause she really didn’t want to move. She kept saying things along the lines of how I was scaring her cause I reminded her of her father (cause he was an alcoholic, and while I admit I might have drink a few back then, I was not nearly as bad as he way. In fact by that point I had quit drinking completely), how I was bi-polar (I was depressed once before in my life back in high school, and the stress of events were not helping and I made a off-the-cuff remark about maybe how I was in a joking tone, and she took it seriously), and how she didn’t want to move out and try to make a decent life.

It was bad, but we agreed that maybe a move would help and get ourselves back onto our feet.


The Past – Rebuilding Lives
We had agreed to move back in with my folks, who were kind enough to offer a spare bedroom and living room, food and a rent/bill free lifestyle. I applied for the place where my Dad works, and less than 24 hours of applying I had a call from my current boss, a interview scheduled for 3 weeks later (would have been sooner except for the move and Easter holidays), and a offer less than a week after the interview.

This job I was offered is simply the best job I have ever worked. Best paying, with benefits (never had those with the temporary staffing agencies) with good co-workers in a area I like living in.

The only downside to it was what ended up being a four-month security background check process before I could start, which I knew would happen and was fine with it.

Yet the day I got the offer, my mother saw my ex-wife when she heard the news, and according to her, my ex-wife face had the look of “Oh no, this is really happening” because it was her hope I would find something back in the area where we just moved away from.

It was around this time that the ex-wife started to nag me incessantly about finding another job. At the time I was so burnt out from working all the temporary positions I just wanted some time to myself. I did some looking but I am an honest man, I tell people I am waiting for a clearance before I can start. As such I did not get any offers.

She eventually found a job at a local Target, and was doing good there, making new friends.

Yet we started to fight again. I was trying to map out money issues and budget out income so that we could get out of debt. She didn’t want to do any future planning. I was looking into combining stuff like cell phone plans and car insurance, she didn’t want to do anything about it or compromise.

She started hanging out at all hours of the night with her co-workers, at first rarely inviting me over, and then eventually not even bothering, for I was “no fun” to be with cause I didn’t drink (which I stopped for her), or wanted to stay out late (cause I didn’t know when I was starting and didn’t want to have to completely shift my sleep schedule). We stopped going out, partially cause of money, but she didn’t even want to do simple/cheap things like going out for a walk, all she wanted to do was stay home online with her myspace friends, rarely could I go out with her.

I started to fear I was losing my wife, and hoping that once I started working, once we got income stabilized, once we moved out of my folks things would be better.

I finally got the phone call with a start date for my job.


The Past – The End
My job started, and I liked it. It’s a decent amount of work, but the co-workers are nice, management is understanding, and the compensation is excellent. Money because stabilized, and while we still had a lot of debt, most of it in her name, at least we were making progress. Or at least I was making progress, whereas her debt was staying the same, I started working on killing mine.

That is when she started to nag me about paying off her debts first. I follow the debt control advice of paying the least off first then working your way on up, which is what I did. The day I made a big payment on one of my debts, we had a major fight.

She never invited me out anymore period, because I get up early, and her friends stayed out late. She would start going out at night more and more during the week, and even if I wanted to I couldn’t go because my job came first during the week. Yet even on weekends she didn’t want to do anything.

She started talking about her co-workers, and I noticed I was getting strange looks from them when I visited her on my days off. Little things that one can let slip by them unless something drastic happens.


The Past – Something Drastic
Things were getting strange. We were fighting all the time, she never helped out with anything at the house, she was gone most of the time. Finally she went to a overnight local party, without even inviting me, on a weekend. Why didn’t she, because I would be a bore was her answer. She didn’t care about budget plans I was working out, and didn’t want to do anything with me.

Finally, the night she went to the party, I was looking through webpages, and found her myspace page, and found there little things that set off my brain.

One of the first things people will tell you about me is that I’m honest and respect people. I would never violate someone’s privacy unless I had good reason to.

I went into her computer, and found AIM logs with a co-worker at her job since 2 months ago indicating a relationship in the works. The reason her debt was not under control, she was giving him her money. Reason why I was never welcome to come along, cause she wanted to be with him. Reason why she didn’t want to combine assets, because “the bills, the bills, the bills need to die so I can move on with my life without whathisface”.

Yes, I was “whathisface” according to my wife.

“I normally would feel bad about cheating, but after everything he put me through I don’t care.”

Yup, another lovely quote.

To quote Artemis when her character fires off a crossbow, what happened to my marriage when I read barely 50% of the logs.

KA-BOOM!!!

Due to the rules, there is a lot I can not post regarding those logs, nor would I want to except to say much of it is not suitable for public conversation and very insulting towards myself.

The Present
Needless to say, everyone from my friends, family, and you all have been on my side 100% here for this, and I thank you.

I consider myself very lucky that we have no kids, no shared debts, no shared property, and that everything was in our respective names.

After I calmed down, I left her a message indicating I knew what was going on. She called back and tried to deny it, until I brought up HOW I found out. At that point I knew things were past the point of any salvage when the only reply was stunned silence, and her next response was bringing up the one mistake I made in our relationship from over 3 years ago that she ALWAYS brought up.

That night my folks and I moved all her junk from our room into the living room. All that is left is mine. A few days later she picked all of it up from a friend, along with our cats and Wii.

Despite the fact I am the wounded party in the sorry affair, I have been taking the high road, aiming to end this as quickly as possible. She shares this goal, for now that she has been found out, she has not once tried anything to salvage the relationship, not even a single word.

I found a lawyer through work, and we got a plan going. The ex-wife agreed to the plan, and we have even met once to go over the paperwork, with the next time being in the next week or two to sign paperwork once that goes through. In theory within 2-3 months from now, hopefully less our marriage will be over.



Now, if you just read all of that, you found out that one of my coping mechanisms is writing. It is something I stopped doing, for partially she didn’t like me doing it cause it was “nerdy”, partially I didn’t really have time to do so properly until recently.

I also apologize if that is a little too much, but I started writing, and this post evolved to its current state.

I have been trying not to be as much of a shut-in, going out. Sadly I do not have many friends, but I am trying to go out and do things.

And now, for all the kind words, I present, INDIVIDUAL REPLIES!!!

Smellie-Hippie
Thank you for the kind PM. It meant a lot that you would go ahead and do that.
Gorbash
I share your pain of the end of your relationship, and I know that betters things are in store you you.
Felixaar
GAH! My RIBS!
Ashtar
I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. It amazes me how quickly things can fall apart, for even with all the troubles I was having, I thought we were getting better with things.
While I can’t do much redecorating, I am looking for my own place to live, and plan on moving in a few months, so I get to decorate fresh!
As for the letter, in many ways that is what this is, getting things out of my system.

Balkash
Thank you for everything, and I wish you the very best as well.

Radikalskippy
I can understand how hard it is to be with the friend, for whenever someone who has the same name as my ex-wife, I can’t help but think to her.

And thank you for the kind chats offer.

Mountain_Faerie
WoW.

As I’ve said before, I would have been very happy to have not gotten a reply from someone who went through something similar, and I am sad that you went through the same process.

I’m confident I will be happier, and I am slowly recovering. My job has a New Employee Club that I have been partaking in events they host, and met several decent people that are becoming friends through it.

I am very happy for you and smellie-hippie.

Metal Head
While your advice is very sound and good, thankfully in my case we do not have kids. I also wish your cousin the best of luck.

Zeb The Troll
I plan on going out tonight and getting a book written by an author I’ve never read before (Terry Pratchett)

So, what is happening in Cleveland next weekend, for that is a three day weekend for me and I live about 7-9 hours from there ;)

Banjo1985
Thank you for your kind words.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
I honestly am not sure what I can say. What you have gone through, I would not have ever wished that upon anyone, for I have lurked on the depression thread and saw that kind advice you have always offered to everyone.

You have my thanks for all that you have told, to help us all move through the tough times in our lives.

I wish you the very best and hope that things improve for you.

Trog
I have been doing that as of late, and the list sounds like a good idea. And last weekend I went out to visit a bunch of friends where I used to live. While it was nice to see them all, all of them are couples, so out of 8 friends there were 4 couples I met with. It was hard, but worth it to see them all again (plus I got a groomsman part in one of their weddings).

I wish you the very best with things on your end.

Toliudar
I am so very sorry to hear about what happened with you. As of now it is a paper-chase pretty much, so it is final. So far my friends have been great, despite most of them being on the other side of the state.

And your sister is very wise, for while I might grip about the blood money I paid the lawyer, “The reason divorce is so expensive is that it is worth it.”

I while I may be pessimistic, I have faith that I will find love again, despite the fact it is very hard to see that right now.

Terumitsu
Thank you for the conversation and support via the MSN conversation as I wrapped up this post.

CurlyKitGirl
Despite the fact you want to steal my typing speed :smallyuk: I wish to thank you for all the help you have provided with running my game in the Structured Forums during this time. In addition thank you for being a kind ear during these past few weeks as you helped keep the game floating despite my vanishing acts.



And so as this lovely post comes to a close, I just want to thank everyone for your kind words, suggestions and stories.

All the support means a lot to me, and I thank you all for it.

And as for tonight, I am going out, having a drink at a bar, find a book at a bookstore and start a few chapters in a nice little café in the nearby city.

Tomorrow is a new day, a little bit brighter.

[phoenixineohp]

It seems like you are cutting a large negative out of your life, and in a way, I am very happy for you because of that. I wish the negative wasn't there in the first place, but at least it seems like you are solidly on your feet and now able to live for yourself, your way. I think that will be utterly rewarding. :smallsmile:

[Syka]

I'm with PXP, it seems like a large part of the negativity in your life is going to be gone- which is never a bad thing.

I was with a guy for over three years. The last...Oh, 6 months approximately fights had been getting really bad over...nothing. Literally nothing, he would just blow up at me. We had been talking marriage and I was supposed to move 1000+ miles away to go to school where he was. Two months before the move, and a day after finding out I had the money for school, he breaks up with me. Says he can't do it anymore and he's in love with someone else. Oh yeah, and he cheated (which he told me after he did the breaking up). I quote, "I still love and respect you." which made me laugh. We tried to stay friends but it just got...bad, on his end. Like you, although I was the injured party, I remained civil through out the entire thing. I only got truly mad at him once when he didn't take me seriously that I didn't want to speak to him again.

So, while I can't sympathize with the divorce, I can with how quickly a relationship can crumble. Having been there, though, I can say that you can recover. Just learn from your mistakes and warning signs and you should be good. :) It sounds like you mostly have it under control.

And never, EVER let someone take away a part of you, like writing, just because they think it's "nerdy" or some other stereotype.

Cheers,
Syka

[Metal Head]

I can't believe what you went through in marriage. It just makes me shudder that someone could treat their own husband like that.

[Thes Hunter]

Dude, she is soooo going to get a wake up call. I know you have been taking the high ground and all, and in a way you need to present that face to the world.

But you will have your day. If she is in the habit of stealing money (and from it sounds like, she is) that will catch up with her in so many unpleasant ways. Also, if she is giving money to some other person who works at the same retail location, I am sure that situation will work out well for her. </sarcasm>

She sounds incredibly self centered, and very emotionally immature. I am sure she has justified all of her actions to herself that you are to blame for all her actions. It sounds like you are wise and are not accepting the bullcrap. She is responsible for her own feelings and her own actions. If she had never forgiven you for your past mistake, she should have never said that she had. Also, is she really didn't wish to move, she shouldn't have, marriage or no. You did not make her life hell, she was already doing a good job of that before you guys moved.

I can guarantee that sometime in the future, you will hear that she has suffered some terrible misfortune. Whether that be her having to sell all her things in order to move back home with her parents, or being indicted for theft, or that she has had a drug habit that you weren't aware of, or even that she has gone even more into debt because she squandered what little money she had on some person who was just using her.

She had it good with you, and she has probably already felt some of the ramifications of doing you wrong. Now that she no longer has her meal ticket, she will find out that the bills just won't die, and that she now gets to be a responsible adult all by herself.

You are so lucky to be rid of her, and to be able to move on with your life.
*hugs*
I hope your healing process goes as quickly as it can.



And you have my hugs too Mountain Faerie. OMG the audacity some people have when they get too full of themselves. *BIG HUGS*

[Mountain_Faerie]

Thanks. It's not something I think about very often, but when someone else is in the midst of it, I think it helps to know a friend has been there and made it to the other side. Since we had kids together, this man still has a presence in our lives. I don't enjoy that. He has had many problems over the years. My kids love him, though, so we make the best of things.

His behavior set off a chain of events that lead me where I am today. If he hadn't left in such an evil manner:

1. I wouldn't have realized how much I needed my family.
2. I wouldn't have gotten to go back to college.
3. I wouldn't have met the people who invited me to the dinner party with Hippie. :smallsmile:
4. I wouldn't have been here for my mom when she was so sick (that is when Hippie won the whole family over - he was a great distraction and helped us pull my mom through her ordeal. Nothing brings life back into the house like newfound love...)


I could go on and on. I'll always appreciate my first husband for helping me make 2 great kids and then getting the frell out...

[Pwenet]

Along the veins of Mountain Fairy post, I am thankful that living with the ex-wife taught me how to my careful with money, and what not to do in the future.

Got to look at the positive in all situations.

[North]

Thats rough Pwenet. But from the sounds of it, this is a good thing for you. She sounds remarkably self-absorbed and short sighted. Its better now that you split up rather then later.

Heres hoping you can find someone much better!:smallbiggrin:

[sktarq]

Thankfully I've never gone through this but for some crazy reason several of my (mostly female) friends seem to think I'd know how to fix them after similar events.

Some things that worked for them:

New Hangouts. This new Employee club sounds like a great start but why end there? When you find a new place to live look for a new bar, dance club, coffee house, art movie cnema, Writter's club whatnot near you.

Tied into the above-New or even better newly revived activities. Gyms, Writting, swimming, etc. Doesn't have to be anything specific.

At least a partial routine. You become used to doing certain things at certain times and this can actually help carry you through hard parts of the weeks to come. Yeah you go to say the gym every Tues afternoon but today you are feeling horrid, sad, etc...you are rather likly to go to the gym anyway and while there you get to focus on that-feel the burn not the tears and likly get your mind off it. Don't mark out your entire day mind you have things that will break up a sulk if it goes too long.

Fresh starts....New apartment sounds goods. Change to background on your laptop and stick all the pictures of you together somewhere out of the ways-don't look at them unless you feel a very strong NEED to of that you are near CERTAIN it will make you feel better. Wheteher it is under the bed or in a new folder in the config.sys region of you computer.

if all else fails-get a puppy.....they are cute and happy and love you nearly unconditionally....empathise with one from the pound if that suits your fancy. It also helps to have something or someone beyond yourself to think about and care for-the responsibility and all that. Finally, by the time you are ready to start dating again he/she should be ready to take with you and will be a great way to pull dates. :smallsmile:

[Pwenet]

Thank you sktarq and North for the kind thoughts and suggestions there.

I'm planning on getting my own place in April. That was the divorce should be final, I can have some money saved up, and it's not a big rush (plus the weather will be better for moving).

It's amazing in a way. I was sitting at work and realized as of today it was been exactly 1 month since my marriage ended (while I'm still legally married, I consider the marriage over the second I read the logs).

1 month ago I was cleaning all of her stuff out around this time.

It's amazing how quickly time flies and how things change.

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and suggestions.

[VeisuItaTyhjyys]

Though I'm not going through a divorce, a close friend is, and perhaps the best advice I can give is not to largely blame yourself or beat yourself up, or blame the spouse and beat her up. Sometimes, things just don't work out the way people think they will. They assume love is a permenant and singular thing, when in actuality, it's often transient and directed to multiple people. Which isn't their fault, of course, things don't always go as expected in any situation, and rarely go ideally in any situation. It's probably not really anyone's fault or really even so much of a tragedy. Falling out of love with one person is the chance to fall in love with another. Love is often said to be a once in lifetime matter, but as a dedicated romantic, I think that's not true, and there would be a lot less poetry in the world if it were. One can look at divorce as the end of love, or the breaking of a mislaid chain such that it may be attached to links that better fit together when seen in the better light of greater wisdom.

[Pwenet]

Well, today has been interesting.

On Friday I got the call from my lawyer saying that the final paperwork that needs to be signed is ready to be picked up. Since at the time I was about to hit the PA boarder, and my lack of any teleportation spells and even having left my portal gun at home, I decided to tackle that this week.

Met with the estranged wife today at a bank to sign/notarize the papers. It was scary how fast she wanted to sign them, she didn't even want to read them. Both me and the notary agent were going "Don't you want to check these over?"

At this point, all that is left is a giant paper-chase and a rubber stamp approval.

Yup - It's essentially over.

[North]

Well the suddenness must be a huge shock. Its much better then a long drawn out nasty fighting divorce. So its not better but it could have been much worse.

[Jimblee]

I know a lot of ruined lives after divorce. Good to hear you're getting out clean, those can be a deathtrap.

I'm not too great at sympathy, but it sounds like you got out of a pretty bad atmosphere. Its always best to surround yourself with positivity, and if anyone tries to take that away from you, then good riddance!

[Dallas-Dakota]

It would be illegal for me to marry&divorce, so no personal experience though.

Go on.*hugs*

[Metal Head]

Well, at least the worst part is over for you. I seriously hope that you don't have to pay alimony, because it would be so wrong if you had to give money to the woman who cheated on you.

[Pwenet]

Well, at least the worst part is over for you. I seriously hope that you don't have to pay alimony, because it would be so wrong if you had to give money to the woman who cheated on you.

Consider I paid ALL the legal fees, nope, I do not owe her a single cent.

Now if that tax rebate they are trying to push through becomes a reality, Pwenet is going to get a big payday cause guess what she didn't ask for in the paperwork :smallbiggrin:

[EmeraldRose]

I'm glad you're doing ok Pwen! The only thing I can do is offer

*hugs*

[Dwarkanath]

Wow, reading this thread sure bring back the (oh so unpleasant) memories of my divorce. Looks to me that you're on the right track, Pwenet. I'll reiterate the advice of others: Hang out with friends, try a few new things, make some new friends and so on.

The one bit of advice I'll impart is this: Avoid any romance for a while after everything is final. You need time to re-find yourself, get into a rhythm that's good and healthy for you and basically heal the wounds. Jumping back into the game too soon can hurt more than it helps.

Best of luck for the future!

-- Dave

[Mordokai]

I can offer you little by my sympathy since I have no similar experience. Good to hear you're now almost in the clear and I hope things go on better from here on. Hang tough, life will go it's own way and you will go with it. For better or worse. Go out with friend and similar, try to keep your mind of this unpleasant occurance. Time heals all wounds.

Should you ever need anybody to talk to, my PM box is always open. I'd say you can contact me on msn as well, but I don't use it, so I won't say that :smallsmile:

Hang on there pal.

[North]

It would be illegal for me to marry&divorce, so no personal experience though.

Go on.*hugs*

Illegal? Where do you live?

[Zar Peter]

Illegal? Where do you live?

I think he means because of his age.

[Fax Celestis]

There's nowhere to go but up.

[Ilena]

Good luck man,im just a youngin so ive never even come close to marryin, but it does sound like its all for the best,so keep your chin up and keep on going for it sounds like the worst is behind you.