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Miraqariftsky
2008-01-11, 12:43 PM
High noontide, golden glare
Choked with tide of despair
The land gasps a mortal cry
Agonized waste screams, “Fie! Fie!”
Grey groaning wind of burned bone
To horizon long has flown
Black lightning roars
Scarlet storm pours
Mausoleum’s maw vomits
There arise from darkest pits
Choirs of the damned dead
With horrid hatred fed
Rotten tongues, at high Heaven fling
Searing sorrows’ songs and shrieking sing
In my hand there sways a rose that was red
Within nerveless fingers withers a rose that is dead
Petals, once fair, now flutter on a wind of woe
Heart’s blight, in torrential tears does flow
The flower fair and foul does crack
Ragged riven in wrongful wrack
I strain against monstrous manacles
Wrothfully wrought, these sinful shackles
Of rotted, ruinous rosevine
Thunderous thorns exact a tax so fine
Of worried wounds and gushing blood
Debt’s collateral rushes in a flood
The chain of rosethorns
Here bares its horns
Serpentine and sinuous, I am strangled in its coils
Forth from mortal coil, my blood boils
Unending pain in every breath
Kept alive on steaming meth
Now is paid the due
But I have naught to rue
Dragonsteeth I’ve sown,
With martyrblood grown
‘Tis a rose so red
No longer dead

Tentative title: Noontide Night

Work still untitled, and unpunctuated... mostly.
Posted while incredibly sleepy. Please forgive me.
Written in just under an hour while hungry.

Goodight y'all! Happy reading! Please don't forget to critique! Thousand thanks!

Illiterate Scribe
2008-01-11, 01:10 PM
While I am officially sworn to the eradication of all rhyming couplets in an aabbccdd scheme, I can't fault this masterpiece of Dryden-esque proportions!

Nice - the finality of the ending is particularly effective.

mockingbyrd7
2008-01-11, 07:43 PM
Dude, you are amazing. As far as I know, your poetic prowess is unparalleled by any posters in the Playground, present or past.

Hurray for alliteration!

My favorite two lines were these:

"In my hand there sways a rose that was red
Within nerveless fingers withers a rose that is dead"

It creates such a... mental image, it's just awesome.

JasonDoomsblade
2008-01-11, 08:01 PM
That is incredible. Nuff Said.

Miraqariftsky
2008-01-12, 12:11 AM
Thousand thanks, fellows!

But no hacking? No slashing? No criticism?


If I were to cut it into stanzas, should the partitions be in between Lines 14/15 and 32/33?

Lines 31-32 are weak, right? "Meth"--- is out of keeping with the theme...

Again, comrades, thousand thanks!

mockingbyrd7
2008-01-13, 11:03 PM
Thousand thanks, fellows!

But no hacking? No slashing? No criticism?


If I were to cut it into stanzas, should the partitions be in between Lines 14/15 and 32/33?

Lines 31-32 are weak, right? "Meth"--- is out of keeping with the theme...

Again, comrades, thousand thanks!

Hmm... I agree on 14/15, 32/33 I can't really tell. I'm not the poetry expert, here.

Now that you mention it, meth is out of place, and breaks the flow a bit, but other than that I have no complaints. Here (http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=breath&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l) are some words that rhyme with breath that you could use. "Death" seems to fit.

Keep up the good work, and may your poetic duties never be shirked. Hey, that rhymes, and look at the time! I'm a poet, did'ya know it? Just look at my feet, they're Longfellows! Ha ha!

wadledo
2008-01-13, 11:34 PM
If I may, 9/10 seems odd. Just kinda wonky.
Also, you could try breath>death
and meth>breath.
.....All I got.