Iron Poet III

[Vaynor]

Welcome to Iron Poet, round three of the most awesome competition (take that, Iron Author!)

Rules

1) Only the first 16 respondants expressing a desire to compete will be the contestants. It IS a first come, first served basis.

2) The contest will consist of a number of rounds pitting 2 randomly determined authors against each other until only one contestant remains (winner).

3) Each matchup will be given a theme, picture, article, subject, or other criteria to write on, and the poem submitted must match this as much as possible. Stricter following of prompts may help you win.

4) The winner as determined by a panel of judges will advance to the next round.

5) In case of a judge or judges not posting judgments in a timely manner, I will adjudicate and determine the winner.

6) The poems will be limited to 1000 words with a 50 word minimum

7) The entries will be poems. All forms of poetry are acceptable, as long as they meet the required word lengths. If your chosen style is too short, you are free to make two of them, i.e., you may make a limerick with 48 words, then add another limerick, still following the same theme, to reach the required word length.

8) All posted deadlines will given in as much time zones as possible, as labeled.

9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely.

10) If your entry does not include the article(s) and the picture(s), you will most likely lose because of it.

11) The judgments are final. What the judges decide is how it is.

12) The entries will only include content suitable for the Playground. The Giant is nice enough to share his Playground with us and we will respect his rules while playing here.

13) I will rule on anything I have forgotten or needs clarification which is brought to my attention

14) The contestants will have 1 week (roughly) from the bracket posting to get their entries posted.

Participants:
Amotis
Phoekun
Em Blackleaf
coolgaelbert
Elvaris
Gem Flower
Kneenibble
zeratul

Judges:
Rubakhin
Zombie Rock Star
Raistlin1040
Felixaar
Alarra

Round 2 (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3930488&postcount=103)

[ZombieRockStar]

Yay! A third one!

Sign me up for judging this time. I figure it's my turn.

[Amotis]

I'm in.

*sips a white russian*

[rubakhin]

I aim to judge.

[Raiser Blade]

I would like to join even though I am fairly new to poetry.

[MethodicalMeat]

Hmm...I was seriously considering entering this but...I'm going to wait to decide. If I feel I've got enough time, and there are still slots open, I'll possibly join up in a few days.

[PhoeKun]

I wish to be a poet. Stella needs to get her groove back...

So does Phoe. >.>

[Em Blackleaf]

I'm in. :smallsmile:

[Gaelbert]

I suppose I'm up for writing.

[Mr_Saturn]

I lift myself to the mercy of the judges, aka im in.

For now at least. Maybe we'll get 16 contestants this time!

[Elvaris]

I'm in also.

[truemane]

I shall compete ONLY if I can be sure that there are sufficient judges for the contest to run semi-smoothly. Right now there are two that we know are going to be steady and consistent.

So put me down for competition and we'll see what happens.

[averagejoe]

I shall compete ONLY if I can be sure that there are sufficient judges for the contest to run semi-smoothly. Right now there are two that we know are going to be steady and consistent.

So put me down for competition and we'll see what happens.

Well, I don't mind offering my services as an emergency reserve judge. I really don't like juding this contest, because I don't know poetry all that well, and I don't always feel like I can judge well, but in an emergency I'm willing to do it.

[InaVegt]

Sign me up for contestant, even though I suck at poetry.

[hyperfreak497]

Damn, guys, I suck at poetry, but I want to be in a contest and Iron Author has their friggin' rules. Wah. :smallannoyed:

[Gem Flower]

YES!!!!! I MADE IT!!!!!! I'm in.:smallbiggrin:

[Ravyn]

Count me in.

[Raistlin1040]

I'll judge unless someone objects.

[InaVegt]

Objection! (http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=2383661)















(Note: This is a joke)

[Raistlin1040]

No I'm not. See that little 1040 over there? Protection!

Although, if I could, I'd probably change my name.

[Felixaar]

If no one has any objections, I believe I might be of service.
The previous was a direct quote from David Bowie in the hit movie, Zoolander
As a judge.

[PhoeKun]

Hm... one judge and five contestants away from a full compliment.

People, tell your friends! Quickly, before people forget they signed up!

[Alarra]

I don't know if I'm a very good poet, but I'll judge if you still need one of those.

[Reinboom]

I'll sign up to be a poet.

[Madmal]

Let's give poetry a try.

i'll sign up, but i don't expect to get very far.:smalltongue:

[Vaynor]

Judges are full, 3 more contestants needed.

If you have any ideas for prompts, please send them to me in a PM.

[truemane]

We need three more! Three more contestants!

Anyone?

You may have to start the process of doing it with 12, Vaynor. Someone's going to get a bye. Maybe a few people, but with some creative finagling, it could be reduced to only one or two.

[Kneenibble]

I'm in as a contestant if I'm not too much of a newbie in the fora to do so.

[truemane]

Well done, old man! There is no post-count-requirement for this contest. Nor a talent requirement either. Just the willingness to try and have fun.

And might I compliment you on your country, sir?

[Kneenibble]

Of course! ->if I may compliment you on your avatar and your ass.

Though seriously, I'm very slightly unhappy about my country at this time of year with a broken furnace and a repairman who won't return my calls.

Edit: and your choice in hobbies. Serve me some homebrew mead in a whale tusk please.

[truemane]

My ass thanks you for the compliment.

http://www.hedweb.com/animimag/donkey.jpg

[Vaynor]

Ok, only 2 more! I think we can get some more. Maybe someone can PST old contestants and remind them of the new contest?

[Tormsskull]

I'll try my hand at being a poet.

[zeratul]

I'm in, yay the quota is filled! :smallbiggrin:

[Vaynor]

Ok, we're ready to start! I'll have the prompts up tomorrow, early afternoon. Kinda busy at the moment.

[PhoeKun]

The purpose of this post is to ensure that prompt postage comes with it's own post, instead of an edit.

I like the idea of actually knowing when this contest starts. :smallwink:

[Vaynor]

Round 1

Amotis vs. Truemane: Light
Phoekun vs. Ravyn: Streets
coolgaelbert vs. Mr. Saturn: Night
Elvaris vs. Raiser_B1ade: Sleep
Gezina vs. Gem Flower: Birth
Em Blackleaf vs. SweetRein: Grief
Malmagor Andrigal vs. Kneenibble: Pictures (photos/drawn, etc.)
Tormsskull vs. zeratul: Denial

Deadline: Midnight, the time between Thursday 11:59 pm Eastern and Friday 12:01 pm Eastern of next week (7 days from today).

[truemane]

Great. I get Amotis. First round. This is going to suck.

It's a good thing I have a healthy self-esteem and can handle that kind of rejection.

:)

Good luck everyone! Happy Poem-ing!

[Gaelbert]

On the original post with the rules, it says make sure to include the article(s) and the picture(s). What exactly are these articles and pictures?
And what should we do with our poems once we've completed them? Sit tight for now?

[Vaynor]

On the original post with the rules, it says make sure to include the article(s) and the picture(s). What exactly are these articles and pictures?
And what should we do with our poems once we've completed them? Sit tight for now?

There aren't always pictures. Post them in spoilers when you're done. You can edit.

[Amotis]

Great. I get Amotis. First round. This is going to suck.

It's a good thing I have a healthy self-esteem and can handle that kind of rejection.

:)

Good luck everyone! Happy Poem-ing!

Don't fret, there ain't gonna be any rejections. I put out on the first date. :smallamused:

[truemane]

Don't fret, there ain't gonna be any rejections. I put out on the first date. :smallamused:

It's WHAT you're likely to put out that scares the heck out of me.

[Gem Flower]

Well, here's my poem. It's a series of haikus.

Birth, the creation
The joyous celebration
Of a new-born soul

Another being
Who will move and breathe good life
With love’s innocence

The pain shall mingle
With the heavenly trumpets
That greet the new child

There is not any more
Frightening experience
For the new infant

So our lives are bliss
No more frightening ordeal
Than the one that’s gone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I should have taken more time on that:smalleek:. Well, hope that's good enough.

-Gem Flower

[PhoeKun]

Gem Flower:

edit your post, an use to create a spoiler box around your poem.

Don't worry about articles and pictures for now -those are prompt types that will come up in later rounds. :smallwink:

[Vaynor]

Gem Flower:

edit your post, an use to create a spoiler box around your poem.

Don't worry about articles and pictures for now -those are prompt types that will come up in later rounds. :smallwink:

I generally start the contest off easier, with just a one word prompt. Later I'll link Wikipedia articles and pictures.

[Felixaar]

I like it, Gem Flower! Congrats on being first to post your entry.

[PhoeKun]

Round 1
Phoekun vs. Ravyn: Streets


Hm... How exactly did you create these brackets? I wasn't supposed to have a rematch here... >.>

*cough*

Prompt: Streets.

Evening Walk
Sunset. Light dwindles over crumbling concrete.
A flicker. Once. Twice.
Too old lamp posts stretch shadows to cover
The path. I shiver;
A cold wind funnels in between cramped buildings.
Looming. Glowering.
I step. Footfalls echoing for miles, searching for another but
Finding no one there.

And here along this path of Gloom
Stretching through some town entombed
By age, by apathy, by disrepair!
I walk, and frightened, discontent
I stare into fading sunset.

A hand! I startle as it grasps my own.
It’s warm. I look. You laugh,
And point from useless lamps to the sky.
“You can see the stars.”
The last rays of twilight dance across brick buildings.
Enchanting. Magic.
I squeeze your hand, to make sure you are real.
This is too perfect.

[Gaelbert]

Not too happy with it, but then again, I never really am.
The topic is Night
The darkness before the morning dew
is often much maligned;
the superstitions we possess
roam these hours freely.
People lose their minds in fear
of what they cannot see.
But this inky blackness is that which makes
the daytime hours clear.
For if all lived under this noble star,
this giver of life,
it's constant, blazing, searing light
would burn away our sight.
This night, this profane night,
this gentle and calming night,
provides us with the time to rest,
and blinds us so we may see.
I'll probably edit it before it's actually due.

[Vaynor]

Hm... How exactly did you create these brackets? I wasn't supposed to have a rematch here... >.>

Sorry I just did them randomly.

[Reinboom]

Grief

Blue Widow

I rise from my basement low
I've put my heart to the past
I wish I could change what's done
my tears fall for love long last
and I realize I'm alone

As I roam my barren home
All abound are memoirs by
I try to dwell memory
yet only stir how to cry
as I realize I'm alone

Then I grasp an empty thought
As to blanket my pain
I try to carry it on
I hide my tears and wane
and I realize I'm alone

So I move on with my life
rare I look back upon it
or else I am struck in grief
the sounds of sunken sonnet
as I realize I'm alone

[Tormsskull]

Denial


The sun lit abright her golden hair,
Her lovely face, a smile, it did wear.
Sapphire-blue eyes, enchanting me,
Her beauty, obvious, all could see.

I stepped with butterflies in belly,
My knees as well, they were, jelly.
Smile aface, my name I did bellow,
Told her, I said, I'm a nice fellow.

Her face became a horrible frown,
My cheeks turned rosy, like a clown.
I was in headlights, just as a doe,
Then she hit me, a great big, "NO!"

She laughed as she walked quickly away,
There was nothing, nothing I could say.
Times like these I try not to cry,
I tell myself, that I'm, a good guy.

[zeratul]

Denial

The beast inside him rages
As his human spirit dies
But as his infant demon ages
He persist s the mirror tells him lies

The town lies still in shambles
With ash strewn all around
Yet he still told himself
That a bomb had hit the ground

So he stumbled now from town to town
Wherever the cold winds blew
But each lies now in ruins
So he tried to convince himself the lies were true

Anything suppressed will leap out
Like an arrow from a warring tribe
But denial gets you no where
And nothing but the demon comes out alive

PS. Fun Fact! Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

[Amotis]

Light

dies irae

watched two pairs of headlights
mutely collide
in a darkened parking structure.

aphotic sounds engulf the air
and make the sky
like it was painted
or embroidered.

i feel
calmed - yet
claustrophobic.

[Raiser Blade]

Sleep


Moonlight shines into my window
I feel you breathing
I feel your heartbeat

At least for tonight I know you’re here
As I put my arm around you and close my eyes
I sigh

For tonight at least my world is complete
No worries just you and me
The rhythm of our heartbeats slowly falling into sync

They say that sleep is a dancer
Dancing away your worries and your fright
Will you not dance with me
Oh elusive dancer of the night

[Elvaris]

Sleep
"Sleep on it" you said
With a growing sense of dread
Though it does seem fairly strange
That a night of sleep could change
How we feel about each other.

"Sleep on it" I'd plead
For even you fulfilled the need
To have someone in my arms
Though we both knew of the harm
We were doing.

"Sleep on it" we cried
As we swallowed our own pride
While we stubbornly denied
That the other we'd abide
Only in our sleep.

[Madmal]

Picture


I got a little busy with college so i had to wrap it up in a rush, it was planned to have more verses.:smalltongue:

Big flowery shirts
Shoes full of dirt
Some ridiculous hat
And an annoying camera, to top it all.

It’s a tourist, not the smart one,
who knows how to blend in.
This one feels like standing out,
Burning the flash lightbulb out

Big Waterfall? There goes a picture
Ancient ruins? There goes another
Flashy Gift shop? Last one so far!
Random poor kid? I’d rather pass.

[Ravyn]

For streets.


Gutter Genesis

The world came from the sky,
And fell from the lights that illuminated its space.
Little by little it formed
Until it floated, ever-reaching, atop the Foundation,
Black in a black space,
Its growth rippling steadily in the firmament.

The world knew its path.
It measured its time in sunlight and gravity;
In places it hurried to its end,
Rippling away to the sheer drops where the Foundation ceased
Where it would fall away to become something new
Or join the worlds that had come before.
In places it waited, placid,
Until the sky and lights no longer fed it,
And the sun came and ate it away.

The world had life.
Their shapes were many,
Spirals and discs and shapes without shape.
Where it did not know its place
Larger things would appear,
Hang from the firmament, wriggle,
Grow and be gone again.

The world knew its gods.
They entered with a splash
And changed the shape of what was around them.
Occasionally they left heralds,
Creatures that drifted silently through the world,
Aurora they could be, if they glowed.
Where the world flowed to its fate,
So too did they,
Unwinding serpents chasing time to its end.
Where the world was placid,
They spread, hanging in the firmament,
Brilliant canopies.
Where the world knew not which way to go,
Or where its edges were ruffled by the wind,
They spun, and trailed, and danced,
Leisurely tracing paths to nowhere and everywhere.

The world knew the Others
They entered, as the gods did,
But their times were fleeting,
Their effects less.
Sometimes they would avoid the world,
Other times immerse themselves in it,
Reshape it for the joy of seeing it fly,
And take parts of it with them when they left.
Some gave it things which were Other
To take to the drops beyond knowledge
Others poked at the heralds
To see what shapes they would take.
It mattered not; when they left
The world remained.

The world knew its end.
When all that had sought the edge had reached it,
When the sun had eaten away all that remained,
There was Foundation again,
Heralds, empty, still,
Trailing like limp ribbon,
Or, as disks of lightless aurora
Splattered over the Foundation.

The world is gone.
Its gods rush heedlessly where once it rested.
Someday it will grow again,
Seed itself from the streetlights,
Creep over the asphalt,
Shelter the small and the shapeless,
Meet its destiny in the stormdrains,
Be eaten by the sun,
Leave oilslick avatars as psychedelic snowflakes
Stamped where once it had been.
I, Other, step where once was world
I will see it again.

[truemane]

Eep. I haven't written a poem for anyone except my wife in a LONG time. I'd forgotten how hard it is.

But all the same, I'm very proud of this piece. Warts and all.

Light


*YOINK!*

[Em Blackleaf]

Grief
A benevolence lost
In a dark outer world
Like a closed door
To an open heart

A cut connection
With no way to follow
Lying still in a coffin
Comatose for an eternity

A life long lost
A speck of existence
All-consuming sorrow
Alone with only memories

Everything must go
But the bereavement
Shall stay with me
Until my own heart stops beating

[Kneenibble]

(photo)Graphic

I laze undressed and captured in a frame.
You colonized my body with your eye,
A hole for light and surface; and my name
Is "model 69: the lullaby".
Your gaze is not a window. Glass alone
Reveals content! But my form will fill
Your soul, opaque as oil slicks. You own
My image? Ha! - like junkies own their pills.
You praise me with the hunger in your stare
Like perverts gaud their icons with their pearls.
But knowledge of my flesh is naught; you're bare,
A naked subject collared in my curls.
You grip me with the lens; but with a look
Like hair or smoke, I take back what you took.


Sorry it's so late, I had to stay an extra half-hour at work today and run home.

[Amotis]

Well, Kneenibble, no need to apologize 'cause you got it in just in time. Way to be the Big Damn Hero. :smallamused:

Amotis (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3853546&postcount=53) vs. Truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3868766&postcount=58): Light
Phoekun (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3849933&postcount=47) vs. Ravyn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3868457&postcount=57): Streets
coolgaelbert (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3850155&postcount=48) vs. Mr. Saturn: Night
Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3862455&postcount=55) vs. Raiser_B1ade (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3853987&postcount=54): Sleep
Gezina vs. Gem Flower (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3843044&postcount=43): Birth
Em Blackleaf (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3870136&postcount=59) vs. SweetRein (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3850493&postcount=50): Grief
Malmagor Andrigal (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3864446&postcount=56) vs. Kneenibble (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3870965&postcount=60): Pictures (photos/drawn, etc.)
Tormsskull (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3851335&postcount=51) vs. zeratul (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3853213&postcount=52): Denial

[Ego Slayer]

Quick question... I think I asked this last time, but I have a bad memory sometimes: What's the policy on non-judge comments? Allowed after judging for that round?

[PhoeKun]

If you spoiler the comments, Ego, it'll be fine to comment whenever you want.

[Mr_Saturn]

Was at school at day and when i finally got home, the storm in my area killed the internet. T_T Late submission? I barely got to start. :smallfrown:

[Vaynor]

Was at school at day and when i finally got home, the storm in my area killed the internet. T_T Late submission? I barely got to start. :smallfrown:

Urrrghhhhh. Turn it in as fast as possible. Note, you're only getting off because I really don't want people to advance just for signing up. You have 24 hours extra, about 6 at the time of this post. Hurry!

[truemane]

I've always thought that everyone should get one Free Late Submission per contest. Once, just once, you get to show up a day late and still be considered. That would cover the random RL stuff that goes one. Anyone can suffer a string of mishaps that blow the pooch.

And that way no one's breaking the rules by allowing it.

[Alarra]

I think that's a really good idea.

[zeratul]

I too think it's a good idea. Just out of curiosity, given this new development, when will we find out who won this round?:smallconfused:

[truemane]

Each of the judges, in theory, will post a critique of each poem, as well as a decision as to who they think won that bracket (Phoekun vs. Ravyn, Me vs. (gulp) Amotis, etc).

Once we get at least three votes per bracket, we can move on.

[Raiser Blade]

Bump.

Cannot we have some
Judgements I can hardly wait
Anticipation

[Gem Flower]

Uhhhh, Gezina still hasn't posted hers. What happens to me?

[Mr_Saturn]

Night



Perfect darkness
Nothing less
Is what comes with the advent of night

The absence of light from the heavenly hosts
Withdraw from the earth as a spirit or ghost

A lingering eclipse
Creeps in like a wisp
But the same as it comes
As we sleep in our homes

All is forgotten, with the advent of light.

[truemane]

Uhhhh, Gezina still hasn't posted hers. What happens to me?

It means you win the round. It's called a Bye Round. With no competition, you cannot lose! It's sort of a left-handed win. Like kissing your sister, but there it is all the same.

Some people get them all the time. Ravyn, for example, has the worst luck with them.

[rubakhin]

Okay, time to get my judge on, yeah?

Amotis vs. Truemane


Amotis


Firstly, I'm a sucker for Latin and the Requiem mass, so big points with dies irae. Now, I liked the first stanza a lot. It gets done what it needs to get done in simple and lovely language, although maybe a bit obliquely - we're dealing with a car crash here, right? I admit to disliking the roundabout way of poems of this era, but that's what we've got to work with in this day and age, so all right. The imagery is there, the emotion is there, and strangely, that's what matters, not the actual events.

Now, this was where you lost me:


aphotic sounds engulf the air
and make the sky
like it was painted
or embroidered.

Sounds is what bothers me. I guess, after what I'm reading as a collision, there would be a collision also of the senses, but I just can't figure out what you mean by "sound" here. Synthesis is interesting to me in general and especially as a Rimbaldien, but this I couldn't get a handle on. "A lightless sound, making the sky look funny." Sounds do not do that, and what would be meant by this sound, anyway? A scream? The crunch of metal? Or this is not a sound at all? No, I can't get a handle on this one.

I liked the painted sky. This would be - what, fire? And the sky being embroidered, I'm right in reading this as smoke, right? I don't know, the whole thing hinges on the "sound", and I can't figure out what that is, and it's driving me nuts. You will tell me, yeah?

As I think some other judges might, I didn't object to this last stanza - about calmness - despite your starting off with dies irae and going on about what I'm reading as a car crash (maybe a metaphorical car crash of some sort, but a car crash). Your poetry has this cold quality. I don't mean this in a negative way, but it reminds me somewhat of the earlier writings of Camus (in particular A Stranger and A Happy Death) and of Yukio Mishima. So it suits the ... not the character, exactly, but the tone.


Truemane

More of my favorite Latin phrases. I'm quite the happy camper this round.

I was more than ready to advance you up until here:




Swing. Return.
Afterimage occupies negative space.
Flickershots pressed to the retina
And removed.
Upturned lip. Eyes asparkle.
Soft-skinned finger. Rounded hip.
Perfume lurks in corners.
Ghost-giggles haunt the hallways.


This. Gah. This is all wrong. (Well, for me, anyway, obviously it's the right thing for you as a poet, I don't want to come off as arrogant here.) Let's start with flickershots pressed to the retina. A camera, okay. But that brought up some unpleasant, creepy images. All Clockwork Orange and Blade Runner. Un Chien Andalou. And then it just got worse. Upturned lip made me think of harelips or of this. (http://m.assetbar.com/achewood/uua5mrbhM) And soft-skinned finger was probably the worst of it. The skin of hands are, by default, thought of as soft, especially in regards to the feminine body. So you don't have to mention that, unless it's soft in a way that's unusual. Like she has no fingerprints or something. So that was a very uncomfortable read.

I also wasn't particularly fond of all the mawkish words here and there. Diamond-drops, glitter-glass, silver, gold. That paragraph again, with the eyes asparkle. Yecch. IMHO, you should have gone with something more somber, meditative.

However - I did like this, up to that point. It struck me as being particularly Western, particularly American. Conjured up images of Kodak film rolls and scenes from the second half of Lolita. It had a certain mood to it that for some reason I took to right away.



Verdict:

Amotis. Solely by virtue of not freaking me out with his womenfolk. *wince* Sorry, truemane.



Phoekun vs. Ravyn



Phoekun

I really love this sort of poem. I think that what we have here is very generic - especially the end - I think poems of landscapes end too often with someone coming up and grabbing at the poet's hand - and if you make it next round, I want to see more unique details. The concrete, the echoes, the sunset, that's all well and good, but we've seen it all before, in the most general terms, so this landscape does not come alive. Focus on the roots, the insects, the discarded orange soda cans - no, even that's just not enough.

I remember two remarkable moments, the first in Bely's masterpiece Petersburg in which Nikolai Apollonovich notices a few leaves of lettuce that had fallen from a shopping bag or a sandwich and come to rest in an alleyway, and a scene from Junichiro Tanizaki in which the mad old man recalls the scent of his mother's cosmetics that were used at the turn of the century for tooth-blackening. It's strange how time will dilate these moments into something monumental ...


Ravyn

*muse* I think you're used to being a prose writer and to writing in prose (God help me, so am I), so this did not feel like a poem. It was heavy in parts, sentences stuck out funny, didn't flow. The language was also very limp. Most of the words that you chose were totally unsuited for this kind of poem. "Splashed" and "poked" and all that. Weak words, ineffectual. So in the end, it just didn't do anything for me, although there were interesting ideas here.

I also had a few qualms about the pacing of the poem. I didn't really get a sense of time passing here, nor did I get a sense of eternity ... the pacing was a lot of what left this poem feeling so flat and cold. It was "Some stuff happened and then it stopped happening anymore."


Verdict:

Phoekun, who I think used language better in this instance.



Elvaris vs. Raiser_B1ade



Elvaris

Oh, my God, it rhymes!! What is this madness?!

Ah, you know what? This is probably my favorite out of all the poems I've read so far. I like simplicity, I like playfulness. I like poetry that makes it okay to rhyme. Recalled Shel Silverstein somehow, who I was very fond of in my youth, so points there.



Raiser_B1ade

I don't know, this poem is very flawed ... there's nothing new here, no new images. The language is flawed, repetitive ... it accomplishes nothing, arrives nowhere. I can't really say it made me feel anything, neither like nor dislike, and there's no technical accomplishment. I mean, at least it wasn't awful - but I think you can do better.


Verdict

Elvaris



Em Blackleaf vs. SweetRein


Em Blackleaf

"A benevolence lost." That's a beautiful phrase. I would advance you primarily for that phrase alone, because it's beautiful, because it's crucial ...

The rest of the poem falters a bit. "Comatose for all eternity" bothered me in particular. That's frightening, it makes one think of live burial. And if not that, then it's a euphemism, a bowlderization of "death." Dead for all eternity and comatose for all eternity are the same thing, only comatose is weaker. Don't shy away from the strongest words, whatever they may be.


SweetRein

This one was all right, I guess. There were some idiosyncrasies in the language - either you should be a bit more careful with your grammar, or English is not your first language? (It's not mine, so I can't fault you on that one. :smallwink:)

There were a few things I liked in the poem - sunken sonnets stood out - but most of it seemed a bit like mush. It was the same problem with Phoekun's poem, there are inadequate images, no new metaphors ...


Verdict:

Em Blackleaf.



Malmagor Andrigal vs. Kneenibble


Malmagor Andrigal

This is sharp, crisp, and to the point, and it brings up some penetrating questions about photography and the role of art ... I think I would disagree a little with the questions that it raises, and beyond that, the humanity is not present here, there's no subtlety or depth of feeling, only the protest. No empathy with either the tourist or the poor. It could have been something much greater if there had been a little emotion in it.


Kneenibble

Ah, this, this is perfect. Great rhythm, great language, great images. And this struck me very personally as a pornographer photographer, and it captures brilliantly the unique communication between two men in these circumstances. (Or a man and a woman, or whatever.)

I think it could have done with a little bit of editing. It goes from the present tense "I laze" to the past tense "colonized" to the future tense "my form will" ... you don't divide these tenses up very well, and it slows the poem down.


Verdict:

Kneenibble




Tormsskull vs. zeratul


Tormsskul

Tak, moj amerikanskij drug ... :smallsmile:

The commas here, the commas! Never in my life have I seen such commas. Look at your poem! The poor thing. It looks like you have cut it up with a blade. I want to give it some bandages and a bowl of hot soup.

Anyway, you'd do well not to force the poem into some diabolical rhythm scheme by cutting it until it obeys, you scoundrel.

It's kind of cute, I guess. But a little infantile, all the cliches. Sapphire eyes, butterflies in the stomach, the knees of jelly. I guess you're going for humor here, but it's too simplistic to be anything other than a bit annoying. There's a schism between what the person thinks of himself and what the broad does, which, yes, is always fascinating, but it's inelegant. Your poem is the very definition of unsubtle. If you would like to write more poetry and prose in this vein in the future, you would do well to study the works of Vladimir Nabokov (who I mentioned, coincidentally, in the critique of Truemane's poem). Almost all of his characters - in particular Humbert Humbert in Lolita, the protagonist of The Eye, and most famously Charles Kinbote in Pale Fire - are in some kind of denial about their true natures, in a much more complex and beautiful way.

And, yes, I am judging you all by the standards of V. Nabokov. I have great expectations for all of you. Is good for you. :smallannoyed:


zeratul

Proofread! You all must learn how to proofread, there's a big glaring error right there. Shame on you. :smallmad:

This one was all right. I wish it did a little more with the idea. You have some man with some kind of preternatural, maybe pyrokinetic power, yeah? Or maybe something like a 'Nam vet, flamethrowers, the war. The idea is interesting, and afterwards I did end up mulling over combat PTSD, but I don't think you do enough with it in specifics. Keeping it general like this can allow the reader to empathize more with la bete humaine, maybe projecting their own feelings of, say, a failed relationship onto the poem, but I myself would have liked to see more specific guilt, denial, and the post-traumatic symptoms that I mentioned before ... projection would still be possible, but on a more subtle level.


Verdict

zeratul



I'll do the rest once Vaynor clears the late submissions.

[Kneenibble]

Rubakhin,
Your criticism is like the faceted frost-feathers packed under the ice-peel of ponds -
Delicate, razor-sharp, and multidimensional.

May I please be your slave?

@v *begins thralldom*

[rubakhin]

Rubakhin,
Your criticism is like the faceted frost-feathers packed under the ice-peel of ponds -
Delicate, razor-sharp, and multidimensional.

May I please be your slave?

You may. :smallamused:

[Vaynor]

I'll do the rest once Vaynor clears the late submissions.

Go ahead - I already said Mr. Saturn's was OK.

[Raistlin1040]

Note: I am not going to be as detailed as Rubahkin here. You want good, constructive critisism, turn to him. I'm more whimsical, and it's more about if I like the poem than anything else.

Amotis VS Trumane

Amotis
Your poem is simple, but good. The tie-in to light gets lost on me a bit, and the last bit feels more like darkness than light. Perhaps you were going for an absence of light? I do not know. I don't speak Latin, but I'm sure your phrase at the beginning is nice. The poem on the whole is very good, but I think could use more details. You obviously have a way with descriptions. Use it!

Trumane
In the way I thought Amotis' poem was too short, I think yours was too long. However, I like your style of poetry. Very rythymic, and flowy. But, at the same time, I think you have too much repetition. It seems a bit like you were going for length over quality, and decided to copy/paste a few lines. It's a good poem, but the meaning (if there is one) is lost within slightly confusing verses, and straying to far from your topic.

Verdict
Both poems are good, and both have things that could be improved. Amotis' was short, but conveyed a good mastery of words. Trunmane's was long, and while good, was confusing. Therefore, Amotis is my vote.


This is the only one I can do tonight. I'll do the rest tomorrow.

[Felixaar]

Here are my judgments, they are final, they are absolute. I just want to say you've all done a very good job (except Gezina, who didnt turn in anything :smallmad:) and deserve a pat on the back. Bravo! Beware im no poetry critic, I consider myself to be here more in order to provide the layman's touch on poetry. Anyhow, Well done old chaps, and to all those I didnt pick, you still did a great job, better luck next time.

Amotis V. Truemane
Amotis over Truemane
Both very good, tapping into the sub concioscial mechanisms, and (a sure sign of poetic genius) confusing the hell out of me. I kid, I kid. In the end I only picked Amotis because one, I felt he stuck to the topic more, and secondly because I did think Truemane's poem was a little to extended. I know theres not a rule on this sort of thing, but I think it was longer than it needed to be. Both very well done, guys.

Phoekun V. Ravyn
Ravyn over Phoekun
Both so very good. I absolutely loved PhoeKun's poem, the beauty, the simplicity, the perfect, comfy, ease, but I also loved Ravyn's. It was almost impossible to choose, and I was almost going to vote for the Pho, since she stuck a bit closer to the prompts in my opinion, but in the end I have to pick Ravyn, for using the word "pshycedellic" in a poetry contest.

coolgalebert V. Mr. Saturn
coolgaelbert over Mr. Saturn
Such quality entries so far, so hard to choose. In the end CGB only gets it because "homes" and "comes" dont rhyme, Satto. They may be spelt similarily pronounced differently. I liked the way that both poems really described how I feel about the darkness... I love the night, my self. That perfect, still, quiet time when the whole world seems to fade away and theres only you, and everything is right.

Elvaris V. Raiser_B1ade
Raiser_B1ade over Elvaris
Request to poets, will someone PLEASE write a bad poem to make this easier to decide? Oh well. Both excellent, once again - Elvaris only loses points for slight - incredibly slight - inconsistencies in his rhyming pattern. Sorry man, thats just the way it came to me. Also I felt it was just a little jumpy, thoughts broken up into new lines, like someone had made a bottle, then smashed it on the ground. The bottle was still there, but it was crumbled up together. Unlike a bottle, your poem still serves it purpose, but just felt... jumbled. Raiser gets bonus points for mentioning heartbeats in sync (do you listen to lion king soundtrack too?) and generally I felt his was, though only slightly, a more enjoyable poem. Would have been an emphatic victory if that naked miko avatar of his lacked a katana. I kid, I kid.

Gem Flower V. Gezina
Gem Flower over Gezina
Woo! Finally an easy judge! We all know Gem wins this one, but that shouldnt deprive her of a poem review. I liked it, and it portrayed a different aspect of birth. I know this isnt really in the rules, but I would also give points for having been the first to submit - im not saying people should rush, but the promptness shows your dedication to getting a submission in on time. Well done.

Em Blackleaf V. SweetRein
SweetRein over Em Blackleaf
Both excellent. As I'm writing this I still havent decided a winner, im going to choose one by the end of this paragraph. I loved both poems and this has got to be the closest of choices yet. Em's was great, the language was beautiful and great feeling, and I loved Sweet's because of the gentle - but still there - rhyming pattern. The only thing that would've made this easier to pic is if someone had sort of broken away from the predictable interpetation of grief - but you both did excellent jobs of what you did. Im putting it out to the world, and a verdict is coming in... SweetRein. So incredibly close, and I dont think I can give any good reason for my choice, but deep down I gotta call sweet the victor. Very well done to both of you, I think either of you would have beaten any of the other poems I've read so far (hard for me to say, they've all been so great!)

Kneenibble V. Malmagor Andrigal
Kneenibble over Malmagor Andrigal
Both good poems guys, but I have to put Kneen as the hands down winner. At first I didnt like Kneen's, but then I remembered what the topic was and though he had done a very good job. Good work. Mal, I really did like yours but felt it was too short, and jumped from topic to topic per verse. The rhyming (intential or no) was a little to jumbled for my taste, and for the matter, a lot of tourists do take photos of poor kids (im a traveller, which is damn close). I still liked it, but Kneen's gotta be the winner here, mate. And also, I liked your point about Junkies and their Pills, very well done.

Tormsskull V. zeratul
zeratul over Tormsskull
Damn it, you poets, stop testing me with your good poems. Again, very hard to make a choice. Torm's is good because its a feeling most of us can relate too. A lot of comma's, but I think that shows the sort of nervousness that the character is suffering from. Zeratuls was a great use of language, and a good interpretation of Denial, sigh... I guess thats what gets it for him in the end. Sorry Torm, you did a good poem but I think it would be better under the prompt "Denied," or "Rejected." If it werent for this, it would be tie game and I would peel my face of trying to work out who won.

Fare thee well!

[truemane]

@Raistlin1040
The repetition was a device to control the flow of words, and to emphasise the 'passing of seasons.' Pendulum. Swing. Return. Each swing is another second gone, you dig? And the refrain was the same deal. If the pendulum is time, then it is repetitive and endless time.

And just to set the record straight, I wasn't going for length over quality. The finished poem was about 50% shorter than any of my previous drafts.

But I'm not grousing, just talking. Thank you for your comments.

[Alarra]

Okay....judgements.... I don't know that I have time to get them all now, but I'll do as many as I can and get to the rest tonight. Sorry my explanations may not be as wordy as some, but I think I get my points across anyway.

Amotis vs. truemane
Amotis
I always like your poems. This was no exception. I liked the rhythm and the imagery was clear, and I felt you did a decent job with your prompt....not the clearest tie-in to light, but it was there and I could eventually find it. However.....I'm worried about the fact that you didn't meet the 50 word minimum requirement....and think that technically should disqualify you. I'm sorry.

Truemane I loved this poem. The imagery was great, the rhythm was superb. I believe Zombie mentioned wanting to turn it into a song, and I think it would make a great one. It really cemented in my mind the image of the clock and the repetition and the pattern seemed necessary to convey that. That being said....Light? I didn't see it....well....anywhere.

Verdict I realize that Am has already technically won, but I think I would have to give this to truemane, just because I actually think that the length limits in this contest are reasonable and should be followed.

Phoekun vs. Ravyn
Phoekun The imagery and rhythm in this were very good. You set a scene and I felt I was there. It left me smiling and I like that.

Ravyn You're a very good poet. Your use of language and imagery were spot on. I loved the first and last two verses. However, the area between got a bit dense and frankly it was a strain to read all the way through it. I didn't find myself compelled to finish. I'm glad I did, because your ending blew me away, but it was a hard road getting there.

Verdict I hate pairings like this. If I had my choice, I'd advance you both, because frankly, you're both too good to go out round 1. However, since I have to pick....I'm going to give this one to Phoe. It touched my emotions.

Coolgaelbert vs. Saturn
coolgaelbert Nice imagery, steady theme. Hit well on your prompt. I wasn't overly inspired, but all in all, a solid entry.

Saturn Your imagery was okay. You used your prompt. But frankly, I was underwhelmed. I feel like you strained so hard to have everything flow and to have a consistent rhyming scheme, but then didn't quite deliver.

Verdict Both okay poems, neither really made me go wow....but gaelbert didn't make my head hurt by setting up for a rhyme and then not having it. So, I'll give this one to coolgaelbert.

Elvaris vs. Raiser Blade
Elvaris I really like this one. Actually....this is my favorite poem I've judged so far. It has a good cadence, it's easy to read, I understand the point, it's clever while being concise, it says everything it needs to say in these few short verses. Well done.

Raiser Blade Actually, I like this poem too. The problem I have with it is that the last verse doesn't really seem to fit. I do get the imagery though and I do think you did a good job and your language use was pretty good too.

Verdict Raise Blade's was good, but Elvaris's was great.

Okay, I have to run for awhile....I'll get to the others later this evening.

[Vaynor]

Felixaar! Please do not post who you voted for outside of the spoilers.

[rubakhin]

coolgaelbert vs. Mr. Saturn. Very short judgments, sorry.


coolgaelbert

I like this, in the particular the beginning and ending lines, although I think you lose sight of the poem a bit in the middle. It's more old-fashioned than what we usually get here, and you pulled it off well without making it seem unnatural, like a pose.


Mr. Saturn

A little bit interesting. Sort of got a Night Before Christmas vibe. You don't stick to the rhythm scheme very well, which bothered me, and, although this is just my personal experience, you see "advent of the light" in these type poems so often that the phrase has become totally meaningless, so that part left me a lot colder than you were intending.


Verdict:

coolgaelbert

[ZombieRockStar]

Okay, I have two done so far. More to come tomorrow, and we'll see how long it takes me to do all of them.

Amotis vs. Truemane

Amotis:
I think I'll go about this linearly, talking about the elements as they appear from one line to the next. I'll leave the title for now...so, first stanza. I like it. The idea of two headlights combining mutely, while in the next stanza you talk about lightless sounds that visually affect the sky...you got a nice synesthesia going on here, which really works with the Imagist style.

However, second stanza, you have a gigantic cliché sticking out. A sky “like it was painted.” “Embroidered” helps, but not much. Drop “painted” and just use “embroidered.” Much more vivid and original. And this is the central image of the poem, the one it revolves around, so it should be the most vivid. Also...I’m starting to think that unless you’re trying to make a point, you shouldn’t use “or” to combine two similes in one, since it seems to lessen the impact of the comparison. “And” is fine, since it connotes a connection, but not “or.”

Third stanza...you know you’ve been an English major too long when you see voltas in poems that aren’t sonnets. I’m not sure you need this...or maybe you do. It brings the poem back down to the parking garage from the embroidered sky, but it feels a little traditional: “I feel...” Could’ve been subtler.

Overall...synesthesia is cool, but it’s that “painted” right there in the exact middle that’s bringing me out of it.

Truemane:
Hmm...somewhere in here, I got the brief image of the eye becoming mechanical like a camera. And then it was gone, but it was a cool thought inspired by this poem. There’s a huge sense of the temporal here...echoes, afterimages, reverberations, and that’s more the point of the poem and you use light as more of a starting point.

Okay, now...you seem to be kind of going for this eerie distorted quality (I hesitate to say “dream-like”, but that’s what it is), and I’m not quite sure how to judge how well you pull it off. Hmm...I’d say it’s affected a bit negatively by the repetition, which clashes with these abstract descriptions. I think I side with the abstract descriptions, which are very cool.

Also, to get into specifics, one has to be careful about single-line stanzas. They’re a conceit of modern poetry that can be both beautifully and horribly executed. “Echoes” and “Release” work. “Silence sings its own story” most definitely does not. “Silence” is kind of in between, so I’d get rid of it.

Verdict:

Alright! Pretentious Latin titles for the win! :smallamused:
Okay...normally I wouldn't have a problem with a Latin title, but the fact that you both used one, based on the same word, made me roll my eyes. Particularly since they don’t have a whole lot to literally do with the poems, and seem a bit tacked on.

Anyways...very different poems. I’d say Amotis’s had a certain gracefulness of imagery (except that one simile) that Truemane’s didn’t quite get to, so I’m going with Amotis.


PhoeKun vs. Ravyn

PhoeKun:
This has a nice simple elegance to the descriptions, except for one word. "Entombed" used to describe a city is just...no. I'd say screw the rhyme scheme and use another word. Actually...get rid of "gloom" too. Otherwise, I like that alteration between long and short. Arranging a poem like that always gives a certain poignancy to the short lines, which you make use of.

I'd also change the last line or get rid of it. Far too pat an ending that could've been effective if it had just been "...to make sure you are real." Would've been much better. That last line was a bit too heavy on a very light scene.

Ravyn:
Hmm...interesting thing to do with the narrative. Rather ironic too, putting the expansive sweeping fantasy vision literally in the gutter. It could be funnier if it was a bit more subversive. Example, my favourite line: "Leave oilslick avatars as psychedelic snowflakes." It situates us in the place, is original, and just has a metaphorical edge the rest of the poem could use, since a lot of fantasy writing really lacks it. Otherwise, I laughed, so it was funny. Just could be funnier.

Verdict:
Hmm...Ravyn's was subversive, and Phoe's was sweet. I guess the question is how much more subversive could Ravyn's be and how much sweeter could Phoe's be. I think the answer here is Phoe, because hers basically had more of a metaphorical neatness to it.

[Felixaar]

Felixaar! Please do not post who you voted for outside of the spoilers.

Sorry. Fixded.

[Reinboom]

@Rubakhin
No, English is my primary language. I just suck at it.
Thank you though, I definitely shall be more careful in the future. :smallsmile:


@Felixaar
"The only thing that would've made this easier to pic is if someone had sort of broken away from the predictable interpetation of grief"

I must ask, though... perhaps I didn't say this well enough in the poem :smalleek: ..., how a lady who murdered/sealed away/buried her lover in her cellar and is now shattered at her own predictable? :smalltongue:

[Tormsskull]

Tormsskul

Tak, moj amerikanskij drug ... :smallsmile:

The commas here, the commas! Never in my life have I seen such commas. Look at your poem! The poor thing. It looks like you have cut it up with a blade. I want to give it some bandages and a bowl of hot soup.

Anyway, you'd do well not to force the poem into some diabolical rhythm scheme by cutting it until it obeys, you scoundrel.

It's kind of cute, I guess. But a little infantile, all the cliches. Sapphire eyes, butterflies in the stomach, the knees of jelly. I guess you're going for humor here, but it's too simplistic to be anything other than a bit annoying. There's a schism between what the person thinks of himself and what the broad does, which, yes, is always fascinating, but it's inelegant. Your poem is the very definition of unsubtle. If you would like to write more poetry and prose in this vein in the future, you would do well to study the works of Vladimir Nabokov (who I mentioned, coincidentally, in the critique of Truemane's poem). Almost all of his characters - in particular Humbert Humbert in Lolita, the protagonist of The Eye, and most famously Charles Kinbote in Pale Fire - are in some kind of denial about their true natures, in a much more complex and beautiful way.

And, yes, I am judging you all by the standards of V. Nabokov. I have great expectations for all of you. Is good for you. :smallannoyed:





Yeah, poetry is not my expertise by any stretch of the imagination, so I attempted to construct the poem I submitted with rhytm. The commas were there to set how the poem would be read, which I see was probably not the best way to have put it together.

Ah well, thank you for your critique and if I have the time I'll look up this Nabokov person.





zeratul over Tormsskull
Damn it, you poets, stop testing me with your good poems. Again, very hard to make a choice. Torm's is good because its a feeling most of us can relate too. A lot of comma's, but I think that shows the sort of nervousness that the character is suffering from. Zeratuls was a great use of language, and a good interpretation of Denial, sigh... I guess thats what gets it for him in the end. Sorry Torm, you did a good poem but I think it would be better under the prompt "Denied," or "Rejected." If it werent for this, it would be tie game and I would peel my face of trying to work out who won.




I'm just glad to hear that you liked it. I can see how my poem would fit better under Denied or Rejected rather than Denial, but I guess that was the first thing that came to my mind when I read the prompt

[Gem Flower]

Gem Flower V. Gezina
Gem Flower over Gezina
Woo! Finally an easy judge! We all know Gem wins this one, but that shouldnt deprive her of a poem review. I liked it, and it portrayed a different aspect of birth. I know this isnt really in the rules, but I would also give points for having been the first to submit - im not saying people should rush, but the promptness shows your dedication to getting a submission in on time. Well done.

Yay! Thanks, Felixaar!:smallbiggrin:

[Alarra]

Aaaaand here's the rest:

Em Blackleaf vs. SweetRein
Em Blackleaf I liked this...a lot. Your language was beautiful. Your imagery was immediate. And I could feel my heart ache at the final words. That's always a good sign.

SweetReina Also very good. The emotion was there, some of your phrases were exquisite. I liked the repetition to tie things together and lending to the flow. There were some bits that were clunkier and I had to reread, but all in all, a very good job.

Verdict I love them both. The soul is there. I empathized with the subject. I felt for them. I could almost touch the ache. This one is a really close call for me but I think I would give this to Em. The styling is just a smidge cleaner and it makes me want to reread it more than Reina's . Another unfair pairing for the first round. Based on what I've seen so far both of these two should advance.

Malmagor Andrigal vs. Kneenibble
Malmagor This was okay. I got your point, felt your rhythm was just fine....I could see your imagery and see where you wanted the poem to go. I think this is actually a very well-written poem. I just didn't really like it. Consider it personal tastes, but it didn't feel all that poetic to me. Maybe it was too short and adding more verses would have helped.

Kneenibble I liked this. I could have liked it more. I have this issue with poems where lines don't end at the end of a line, I just...don't like reading it. However, that being said....the images you evoked were evocative and compelling. Your language use and metaphor were beautiful. And my dislike of your formatting shouldn't overshadow that.

Verdict I'm giving this to Kneenibble

Gem Flower vs, Gezina
Okay, this is clearly Gem's, since Gez didn't enter a poem, however, some comments on Gem's poem.

Overall it's not bad, but it's kind of disjointed. Oh, and the 4th stanza has 6 syllables in the first line. If you want to be all technical about things. :smallwink: I did like it though, especially the idea of birth as an ordeal in and of itself that needs to be overcome.

Tormsskull vs. Zeratul
TormsskullIt's unclear to me how the Denial theme fits in here, but I'm guessing its the "you just been denied". While technically accurate, I'm not sure it's what they meant.

It seems forced. More importantly it seems unfinished. It's a story, sure enough, but as a poem I think it should have some deeper meaning and this one seems to stop before that meaning is explored and realized. Unless that meaning is supposed to be that telling yourself something doesn't make it true, which seems a mite fatalistic.

Zeratul
This was....interesting. It made me curious to know more. I wanted to actually know what had happened in each place. The major problem I had was with the meter. The first two verses seemed to have an okay rhythm and flowed well enough, but then in the third...it just...well....fell apart.

Verdict In spite of the poor meter and the annoying lack of details, I found Zeratul's poem more engaging and interesting and felt he made better use of his prompt.

[Raistlin1040]

*Sighs* So much for doing them today. Expect them tomorrow, Wednesday at the latest.

[Felixaar]

@Felixaar
"The only thing that would've made this easier to pic is if someone had sort of broken away from the predictable interpetation of grief"

I must ask, though... perhaps I didn't say this well enough in the poem :smalleek: ..., how a lady who murdered/sealed away/buried her lover in her cellar and is now shattered at her own predictable? :smalltongue:


Whaaaaaaa? Sorry, I thought the guy had just died via a nondescript reason! Yikes, im glad I voted for you now, if I didn't I'd have to go change it. Also, remind me never to come "check out the basement!" with you.


Yay! Thanks, Felixaar!:smallbiggrin:

N'prob *tips hat jauntily and walks off*




I'm just glad to hear that you liked it. I can see how my poem would fit better under Denied or Rejected rather than Denial, but I guess that was the first thing that came to my mind when I read the prompt


And I'm just glad to hear you're not kicking me out of Iron Author for not voting for you :smallbiggrin: seriously though, thanks.

[Amotis]

Here's a draft of my poem if anyone's interested:

dies irae

watched two pairs of headlights collide
in a darkened parking structure.

aphotic sounds engulf the air
that embroider the sky.

the radio presses static but the melody
feels warm.

[ZombieRockStar]

Okay...here's what. I'll read and post judgements now, and anyone who wants specific feedback from me can ask for it, if they so choose.

Coolgaelbert vs. Mr. Saturn:
Mr. Saturn

Elvaris vs. Raiser_B1ade:
Elvaris

Gezina vs. Gem Flower
Obvious. I promise I'll review yours, though, GF. Just because I think you deserve it if your opponent doesn't show.

Em Blackleaf vs. Sweet Rein
Reina

Malmagor Andrigal vs. Kneenibble
Kneenibble

Tormskull vs. Zeratul
Zeratul

Next round should be better. Sorry.

[Raistlin1040]

Phoekun vs Ravyn

Phoekun, I really like your style of writing. It flows masterfully, and seems just the right amount of length. Ravyn, yours felt a little long, but also flowed very well. However, Phoekun seemed to have a better feel for the theme, and putting it into poetry, so round to him.


Cool Gaelbert vs Mr. Saturn

Gaelbert, your poem could have used some separation of verses to make it seem more like a poem. You also repeated a few words, you even used Night twice in a row. Perhaps that was intended, but it upsets the balance a bit too much for me. Saturn, yours, at least in the beginning, seems a bit off. The first verse has no balance between the lines. The syllables (Or however you spell that) are 4-3-9, and it feels a bit awkward to read aloud. That said, it's a nice enough poem, except homes and comes don't rhyme. This is a close one, but I'm going to have to say Gaelbert, purely for being a bit longer, and flowing a bit more.


Elvaris vs Raiser B1ade

Elvaris, I don't like rhyming. It reminds me too much of English class, where they ask you to right a poem, and then everyone either writes a haiku or a rhyming poem. However, this is a very well-thought out poem, and the child-like rhymes are easily overshadowed by the brilliant theme. Raiser, your poem is so imaginative. The theme is similar, but yours is a more image-provoking idea. Round to Raiser, just because I like his word choice.


Gezina vs Gem Flower

Gem by default.


Em Blackleaf vs Sweetrein
Em, yours is like Raiser's. It has the effect of conjuring images in my head, and the opening line "A benevolence lost" is a fantastic phrase. Sweet, yours is good, but seems typical. If I were to write a poem on grief, and put it off until the night before it was due, I suspect it would come off just like yours. I'm sure you put a lot of time and effort into it, but the story is hazy and a tad boring. Round to Em.


Malmagor Andrigal vs Kneenibble

Mal, yours is a mixed view for me. I like the beginning, the natural describing of tourists, and the light mocking. But the ending line, while thoughtful, seems counter to much of the poem. Kneenibble, I like yours, but it's very jumbled. I can't quite grasp the overall story, although it is very well-written. I think round to Kneenibble, because his poem is beautiful, if occasionally confusing.


Tormsskull vs Zeratul

Torm, your poem connects well with me. Every teenager has been rejected, and denied that they did anything wrong. I know I don' like rhyming, but you pulled it off. Zer, yours makes little sense to me. I don't know the story, or the point really, and Denial seems to be loosely stapled to the poem, instead on being the theme. Round to Tormsskull.


All done. Sorry for the wait.

[Vaynor]

Doh! That's all the judges. For some reason I thought there were more.

Congratulations to:
Amotis
Phoekun
Elvaris
Em Blackleaf
Kneenibble
Zeratul
Gem Flower
Coolgaelbert

Sorry to those who lost, better luck next time!

For those who want to see the votes:
((O = 1 vote))
AmotisOOOO vs. TruemaneO
PhoekunOOOO vs. RavynO
ElvarisOOO vs. RaiserbladeOO
Em BlackleafOOO vs. SweetreinOO
KneenibbleOOOOO vs. Malm
ZeratulOOOO vs. TormskullO
Gem FlowerOOOOO vs. Gezina
CoolgaelbertOOOO vs. Mr. SaturnO

[Kneenibble]

Is this a round robin that keeps going, then, or is that it?

@v Ah, okay, thank you. That is what I meant.

[Vaynor]

Is this a round robin that keeps going, then, or is that it?

Hmm? Not quite sure what you mean there, but we will have more rounds until only one person remains (the winner). I will have the new round up within the next day or two.

[Felixaar]

Five of the eight people I voted for made it! A net gain for team Felix! Bummer about Sweet, Rav and Rais, but I guess you just cant argue with the mob... especially when its an angry, torch bearing mob with access to a portable black hole or some sort of nuclear device.
Behold the inner workings of my mind. If you're not scared, you should be.
Looking forward to round two! Just dont make it hard with any of your excellent poetry, im warning you now.

[Gem Flower]

Haha! Round 2! Congratz to Amotis, Phoekun, Elvaris, Em Blackleaf, Kneenibble, Zeratul, and coolgaelbert! To all others, keep writing, your poems were still great! Better luck next time!

[Zeb The Troll]

*ventures into unknown territory*

Hey cool. Poems. Congo rats to the winners!

*takes seat for the next round*

[PhoeKun]

@rubakhin:
Your commentary is fair. I wrote a fairly "generic" poem because

1) I had a very specific image in my head I wanted to put on a page
2) I prefer to "play it safe" when getting my feet wet in these contests
3) I don't share the same dislike most modern poets have for popular images.

There's a fine line between classic and cliche, and I know it's a risk to walk that line in and of itself (what isn't a risk in poetry, I wonder?), but I don't think its too cardinal a sin to use generic imagery if you can get the feelings you want across well enough.

Having said that, I'm going to try to be a bit more vivid and unique in my next offering. Look forward to it, 'k?

@Felixaar:
Thanks for joining the contest as a judge. Judges are hard to come by, and prompt judges are an even rarer breed. I do appreciate your efforts this round.

But I feel I should be honest. I read your commentary about my and Ravyn's poems, and even share your belief that it was a close decision - Ravyn is a very good, very creative writer. I don't know how I would have voted (and thank goodness I didn't have to make that decision! :smallwink: ). But... the reason you listed for choosing hers over mine, for all of the possible things you could have listed is... troubling. Winning because she used a single word in a medium you weren't expecting is a very esoteric reason, and poetry judging is already so subjective it's pretty much impossible to be entirely fair and level about it even with incredibly intensive effort and extensive expertise. Hearing you say it came down to the word psychedelic makes me feel like you just flipped a coin, and I can't help but be a little worried that my (or someone else's) hard work could be eliminated over something like fondness for one or two words.

Again, I want to thank you for your time and effort so far. I'm sure you're doing your best to provide the best judgments you know how to. I just wanted to be honest and express my concerns, since I had them.

@ZRS:
The last line was a bit pat, wasn't it? I wasn't sold on it from the beginning, but this was one of those things where it came out the way it came out, and I wasn't going to be able to touch it until after the round was over.

I sort of retreated into my safe zone in the second stanza, which is unfortunate because my safe zone is a holdover from younger days when I didn't have half a clue what I was doing. :smalltongue: I'm going to try to keep a closer watch on myself next round, so hopefully the next one will be a bit tighter and better controlled. Thanks for the comments!

@Vaynor: Not to push you, but... could we have the next round soon, please? I'm kind of anxious to keep going...

[Vaynor]

Yup I'm preparing them now. Edit in a sec.

EDIT:

Poems most include aspects of both the written prompt and the picture. You will be judged based on how well you include both of them.

ROUND 2

Amotis vs. Zeratul: Comedy/Humor, Swing (http://www.oklo.org/wp-content/images/swing.jpg)

Kneenibble vs. Phoekun: Gymnasium/Gymnast, Camera (http://rosenblumtv.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/travel-journalist.jpg)

Elvaris vs. Gem Flower: Big/Giant, Cliff (http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/AGF/410982~Yosemite-Valley-Posters.jpg)

Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf: Baby/Child/Childhood (one or all), Seaside Town (http://www3.nationalgeographic.com/places/images/photos/photo_lg_greece.jpg)

Deadline: The midnight between Wednesday, February 20th 11:59 pm EST (GMT -5) and Thursday, February 21st 12:01 pm EST (GMT -5).

[Felixaar]

@PhoeKun
Heh. To be honest, thats not what it came down to. What it came down to was pretty much in the end an unconcious decision, and I struggled to find a reason for it. It's kinda hard to put the process of my thinking into words, so Ill try with smilie's... :smallcool: Finished previous poem with satisfactory judging! Hurrah! :smalleek: Oh no, two good poems! Despair! :smallconfused: Hmm... PhoeKun's poem is very good... :smallfrown: But Ravyn's poem is so epic. :smallannoyed: Yet, Phoe's poem sticks closer to the prompt. :smallyuk: I signed up to judge, why? :smallsigh: I must consult the force. :smalltongue: I always poke my tongue out when I concentrate. :smallfurious: AH CRUD I BIT MUH TONGUE! :smallfrown: Still no insight, grumblemumble :smallmad: Man... must pick... Ravyn :smallbiggrin: Profit! If that doesnt help, which it probably didnt, I'm sorry I can't explain this better. And I must say I really do appreciate your honesty - feel free to be honest with me in the future. I've also got to say that you wrote your inquiry rather well. Thanks for the compliments, returned to you (except replace judge with poet). *internet-hugs* I look forward to the next round.

*wrings elbows* Round Two, Hurrah! I can't wait, guys!

[Gaelbert]

Seaside Town (http://www3.nationalgeographic.com/places/images/photos/photo_lg_greece.jpg)
Babies/Children/Childhood

Darn happy poems. Can't stand them. I should probably stick with my dark ones.
V@: Yes. How dare you.:smallyuk:

[Vaynor]

Ah, yes. How horrible of me to do that to you. :smallamused:

[Gem Flower]

Ahem, just pointing out that this actually is an accepted form of poetry. Can't remember what it's called though. Ah well,

The cliff is what I see each day
It’s what I say good night to
But, always, it so towers over me

Its innocent surroundings
Give an atmosphere serene
But, always, it so towers over me

It’s just so overwhelming
It’s biggest of them all
But, always, it so towers over me

I’ve never gone much farther
Than my quiet little town
But, always, it so towers over me

I can’t imagine larger
I’ve never seen its like
But, always, it so towers over me

Am I supposed to include the picture? If so, here it is: http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/AGF/410982~Yosemite-Valley-Posters.jpg

Right, soooo. Hope that's good enough, once again!:smallbiggrin:

[Amotis]

Comedy/Humor, Swing (http://www.oklo.org/wp-content/images/swing.jpg):

shakespearean comedies (the end)

two years ago
we played together
and smiled.

with the world
swinging by our young hands.

we were close to god.

now i sit (and remember)
in dark playgrounds.

and all my hands touch now
are cold empty chains.

if i write
goodbyes
about how it was,
is it letting go
or keeping it alive?

[PhoeKun]

Gymnasium/Gymnast, Camera (http://rosenblumtv.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/travel-journalist.jpg)

Beijing, 2008


He yawns and finishes a hot dog, cracks his neck,
And lets the wrapper fall to the ground.

Discarded scrap of paper wafts in artificial breeze,
Flutters over five joined rings.

Booming voice of God announces her name,
Echoes in English, and Chinese.

He bends suddenly, knees popping in protest,
Fumbles for the camera.

Her auburn hair dances in a ponytail,
Sways as she steps into the light.

Silver blue and red sparkle in the spotlight,
Cling to slender subtle curves.

Her chest rises and falls a little faster now,
Pulsing music starts to play.

She runs and tenses, leaps and flips, lands and poses,
Avalanche of applause cascades down.

But he sees her in reflected light.

Twirl. Spin. Hit the mirror and reverse.
Twirl. Spin. Hit the mirror and reverse.

Body of light. She leaps and dives into an arc of electricity.

Twirl. Spin. Flip the switch and record.
Twirl. Spin. Press the button and preserve.

[Elvaris]

Big/Giant, Cliff (http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/AGF/410982~Yosemite-Valley-Posters.jpg)

The old man sat and began a lament,
An ode to a place called Earth.
He spoke of trees and cliffs and bright blue sky
Of mountains that only he'd seen.

"You could swim in a lake near mountainside
Then dry off under trees evergreen.
The sky was open and vast overhead
not hidden behind sheets of steel.

I know what you're thinking, it's plain to see.
The domes hold in the air we breathe.
We couldn't survive without their presence,
Why rail against that which you need?

Because even here where the air is stale,
Collected, filtered and returned,
There are lessons in the ancient landscape
That should never be forgotten.

The universe is vast and filled with worlds
Of infinite variety.
But each has its own natural wonders
That can not be duplicated.

So build your domes, do what you must to live,
But remember the fall of Earth
And respect the planets on which you land,
For even worlds have their limits.

[zeratul]

Comedy/Humor, Swing (http://www.oklo.org/wp-content/images/swing.jpg)
A peculiar thing is the swing
High flying strange contraption
The joy and mirth
Which in it one unearths
As stated in the caption

Drawing closer to beams of light
Like magnets to a pot
Its chains jangling like bells
So often bring foolish yells
From a childish lot

And at night it glides
Reminiscing of rides
And human and flying chairs truce
And it shows its scars
Yet remains unmarred
For another days levitous use

[Kneenibble]

the unknown touch



his flesh bends fluid, flips, and lands,
an O without a shape, or form -
too flickering quick on feet and hands
to be abstracted. flesh is warm
and round; but mind is cool, square,
and seeing seven somersaults,
draws one in four sharp edges there,
a static shape set free from faults.
and thus, his folding flesh is cut
from all the superflux of sense,
and known in the judgement. but
the knower has no recompense:
the mind can look, but cannot touch,
and tumbling bodies beg so much...



More academic than my usual, and
I used the photographic reference obliquely and abstractly.
So it goes, my women!

[PhoeKun]

You love to cut it close, don't you?

Still, I'm happy to see you make it in. Bye rounds suck...

[Kneenibble]

You love to cut it close, don't you?

Still, I'm happy to see you make it in. Bye rounds suck...

*bows*
The well-used habit of my lifetime, sir!

[Em Blackleaf]

Babies/Children/Childhood Seaside Town (http://www3.nationalgeographic.com/places/images/photos/photo_lg_greece.jpg)
A shining ray of sun on the sandy shore
Bold as the crashing waves
Blithely dancing on the water's edge
A child, of surf and sand

Playing cheerfully, with the stones
Washed smooth by the tumbling sea
Too consumed in his innocent games
To be bothered with burdens of adulthood

Now, the joyful boy has grown
He looks over his old seaside home
Only to shed a saltwater tear
For the child long-last

[Zeb The Troll]

Alright! All 8 poems are in.

*settles in to do some "light" reading*

:smallamused:

[Amotis]

ROUND 2
Amotis (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3961565&postcount=107) vs. Zeratul (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3965849&postcount=110): Comedy/Humor, Swing (http://www.oklo.org/wp-content/images/swing.jpg)

Kneenibble (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3965916&postcount=111) vs. Phoekun (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3963233&postcount=108): Gymnasium/Gymnast, Camera (http://rosenblumtv.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/travel-journalist.jpg)

Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3965841&postcount=109) vs. Gem Flower (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3949511&postcount=106): Big/Giant, Cliff (http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/AGF/410982~Yosemite-Valley-Posters.jpg)

Coolgaelbert (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3944625&postcount=104) vs. Em Blackleaf (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3966076&postcount=114): Baby/Child/Childhood (one or all), Seaside Town (http://www3.nationalgeographic.com/places/images/photos/photo_lg_greece.jpg)


Yay, complete brackets! ^_^

[zeratul]

Wow, no lates, impressive.

[Vaynor]

Sweet, I'm glad we had no late people this round. Good luck!

[rubakhin]

Amotis vs. Zeratul

Amotis

Ay. Look, my friend, there's one thing that bothers me about this poem, and I am going to lay it right out on the line. The title is pretentious. So I'm going to respond with equal pretention and point out that in grouping Shakespeare's plays, the comedies were those considered to have happy endings, generally including across-the-board romantic fulfillment. I'm hard-pressed to come up with one that didn't end on the principal characters about to get married. (I guess maybe Love's Labour Lost if you stretch.) So I have no idea why you'd drag the Bard into a totally unrelated poem about loss. Now I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the title means something that I'm too dim to pick up on, but I got the initial impression that you had no idea what you were talking about and just chose it because it sounded like it might be relevant. Which aggravated me.

Anyway. It's mostly forgettable, and I've seen you do better, but the last stanza brings up a nice idea that made me think for a bit. Which is the mitigating factor here ...


Zeratul

Ach, well. I wasn't too fond of this one. The rhyme scheme is all over the place here, and you're reaching for a lot of those rhymes ("The caption"?) and even the imagery is a bit of a mess - "jangling like bells" is the least interesting image in the poem, and a swingset can't really show its scars and be unmarred at the same time, even in the figurative sense you were aiming for (being that it wasn't mutilated beyond use). In the third stanza, you probably meant "reminiscent" of rides, which makes more sense than "reminiscing of rides" - and even then, not so much, because a swingset is a ride. I'm not overly fond of your rhyming thing/swing and pot/lot, either, but at least those sort of worked.


Verdict

Amotis




Kneenibble vs. Phoekun


Kneenibble

Man, gymnasts. I used to date this one guy who - *ahem* anyway. This poem is great. It's fluid, kinetic. Only it drags in the middle slightly, becomes more intellectualized instead of physical, which hurts it somewhat. I admit that, despite the liquid beauty of the language, I wasn't entirely sure what was going on and I regret that that made it harder to like. Mathematical concepts were not meant to be expressed via poetry, alas. Well, that and I should have stayed in school long enough to take geometry. The error is probably on me.

(Actually, this is outside the realm of the judgement, but I would like to remark parenthetically that I understate how much I like your poems. To me they are full of these erotic elements, these elegiac elements ... I end up going into an old boyfriend coma whenever I read one of them.)


Phoekun

Ah, that's creative use of the prompt. I wasn't expecting anyone to try something like this. You've improved a lot since the last round. You take the details and you bring out the character and the feel of the place in more subtle, evocative ways. This one was the most enjoyable read for me out of all this round's poems, I was quite pleased.


Verdict

Hokay. Well, this isn't an easy one, but in the end I'm going with Phoekun



Elvaris vs. Gem Flower


Elvaris
I liked this one a bit. But you know, I don't think you do enough with the concept - show, don't tell, is the principle of storytelling and in storylike poems (quite possibly in all poems) the same principle applies. This poem is weakened because you point out what the moral is, it becomes didactic, even preachy. I think you could have achieved a better effect ending it by, say, having the old man wander outside the domes to die, or by actively doing something to express and share his longing. You would have said the same thing with far greater poignance.


Gem Flower

It's called a villanelle, and you're doing it wrong. If you're curious, Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villanelle) has some information on how to correctly structure one. I won't hold that against you, though.

Anyway, this poem left me cold. There's no emotion in it. We can't tell how the speaker really feels about the cliffs, or the town, or anything that you brought up here. There's no image to hold on to, either. Also, the language is quite off - "but, always, it so towers over me" would do better without the commas and without the so - only if you had to have it in there "but always it towers so over me" might work better. It threw me off, and it kept disrupting the quiet feeling of the poem.


Verdict

Elvaris



Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf


Coolgaelbert

This one wasn't bad. Aside from being, basically, Citizen Kane. It's quite evocative (especially the first stanza!). It suffers a bit, in particular at the end, from the same problem that Elvaris had, the compulsion to announce the moral of the story instead of showing it. You could have had the man taking a sea bath or making a sand castle or doing something that would show us that he had found inner calm. You also could have showed his unhappiness in similar ways instead of just telling us about it. Still, it's a lovely story.


Em Blackleaf

Hrm. This one is in much the same vein as Coolgaelbert's. I think that it could have benefited some from what Coolgaelbert's has in spades - the main character going out into the world and exploring what he did there that made him dissatisfied. Again, there could have been more done with the ending ... the single tear thing is so overdone that it doesn't even move us anymore.


Verdict

Coolgaelbert

[Amotis]

@rubakhin:

I do agree...the title is pretty pretentious. By the way you took it and the way I meant it to be. I was kinda hung up on it for a while but I guess it made it's way to the final draft. Anyway, the way I wanted it to mean was to the same vein of how you explained it to be, just a little bit further (going back to me being worried/hung up on it). Like in Shakespeare's comedies (and I don't mean to get up high either, just explaining it if you didn't know, which I assume you do), where a couple is split up and in the end (and I think you're completely right about this, I can't think of any comedy of his that doesn't end in marriage) are brought back together. So I took that idea (and using the title to emulate the tone and feel of his comedies, aka that strange "is this really love?" or "is this really a comedy?" or "Is this really bringing people back together?" feeling, like in Midsummer Night's Dream where the marriage is there but its done by magic so you hesitate on the commentary he has on true love and stuff or in the Tempest where it's one of those comedy/tragedy/wtf is this? sorta thing) and extended it to past and present (how he's fighting, swinging even, you might say :smallwink:, between what was and what is), people's and their feelings, and how in the end it's all brought together in a sort of "wait...is that even together?" sorta way. The past and present are brought together by the inability to truly let go even though in that he is letting go. And how the people and their feelings are brought together in a sort of skewed way in kine with the feelings of the ends of Shakespeare's comedies.

To boil it down, I put the structure in a prompt based form kinda. The first two stanzas are the past, one character. Swinging toward that. The third stanza is the peak, but also a sort of weird subtone of the present (and the ending) too. And the fourth and fifth stanza are the present, another character, swinging back. And the final stanza is the ending, the marriage if it were a Shakespearean comedy. But it's not totally as expected, as per Shakespearean comedies.

Anyway, please let me know what you think about this. I know I'm laying way too much on the title, which people may not get, and that's a bad habit of mine. Is that too much in this poem?

[PhoeKun]

@Amotis:
If you don't mind my adding my two cents here, I think you most definitely hung too much on your title. Reading your poem originally, I'll admit I didn't really "get" it. I mean, I understood the words, but wasn't really sure where you were trying to go with it, and now I understand why I didn't. You were definitely right to worry about depending too much on people catching on through the title, but worse, you were relying on them taking away one small and relatively obscure part of Shakespeare.

The "is this really love or isn't it or what the hell is going on" feeling is not the norm in Shakespearean comedy, at least not in the end. Consider the following:

As You Like It
Much Ado About Nothing
Comedy of Errors
Merchant of Venice
Winter's Tale

All of these are tales in which the relationships end the tale with the ambiguity and the problems lifted away from them and gone. This is what most people will tend to think of when you invoke Shakespeare in the context of comedy. So I think the reaction to seeing Shakespeare attached to a poem like this one is going to be largely negative on a matter of principle.

I think if you rewrite this, you should change the title, and try to get the message out of the body of the poem, rather than intertextuality.

Sorry if I sounded harsh or critical. I'm not trying to be, but I think my classes are starting to rub off on me in ways I don't want them to... :/

@Rubakhin:
I can't think of much of a response besides "I'm glad you liked it".

I have the approval of a Russian poet! This is, like, a hug milestone in my career, right? :smallbiggrin:

[Kneenibble]

@ Rubakhin (who loses not my slavery though I lost his vote):


Thanks! And you've only read two (I think?)! Think of the power I will wield when you have read more. *peers over steepled fingers*

For the record, it's not referencing anything mathematical or geometric, it's referencing - and attempting to challenge - Kant's empirical epistemology. But a poem should never rely on a poet's exposition for sound reception, therefore it is not your fault, but mine, and I shall revise according.

I revised the last entry since, too, if you're interested.

[Amotis]

*does a smexy bump dance*

[Vaynor]

Come on judges!

[Alarra]

Sorry! :smallbiggrin: Busy weekend with no internets, I'll have mine in by tomorrow or Wednesday.

[Felixaar]

Sorry for late judgements, y'all. Enjoy. To those I voted for, good job, and good job to those I didnt because they were all hard to pic (damn poets. Ill get you for this).

Amotis vs. Zeratul

Both good poems, Amotis' posed an interesting question, Zeratul better combined the prompts. Hard to choose, but im going to go with Zeratul. One thing though - did neither of you realise the swing in the picture is made of rope, not chains?


Kneenibble vs. Phoekun

Once again both good, but I vote for Phoekun's because it gave a clearer image. Didn't really feel either of captured the picture prompt; it was a camera/microphone, palz.


Elvaris vs. Gem Flower

Dificult choice here, but Im going to have to go with Elvaris; despite my lack of worry about global warming and climate change. Both poems combined the prompts well. (it's a good thing, people! It'll sort it self out in four years, sheesh) [/rant]


Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf

Ouch, you guys are too good, and this is a really hard one to draw a conclusion from. As much as I'd love to pass you both, I'm going to go with Coolgaelburt, his just made me sort of smile at the end. Im a sucker for happy endings. Would have instantly voted for anyone who included that churchish looking building in the picture prompt, though.

[Gaelbert]

@rubakhin
I'm afraid I've never seen Ctizen Kane. But I hear it's quite a classic. So show, rather than tell. Got it.

@Felixaar:
I was trying to make a little reference to that building in my first 3 lines with all of the religious stuff. In my other drafts, all that was much more pronounced.

[zeratul]

@Felixar" Hahaha, dude I just now realised that about the picture :smallbiggrin:

[Alarra]

Elvaris vs. Gem Flower
Elvaris I didn't really like this poem. It felt a bit clunky and I had to really work to understand where you were going with the prompts. Once I did, however, I liked it a bit better. You do have a nice grasp of language and really I appreciated the message behind it, albeit a bit heavy handed. I must say though, that this poem was far from your best and I was disappointed. Maybe I just have really high expectations of you.

Gem Flower I've always been a fan of repetitive lines. They can tie verses together well and maintain a running theme throughout a piece. That being said, it is imperative that if you use a line in every verse of a poem that it be a good line. The word order and even choice of words in that line seemed awkward and just...well...off. It also didn't really feel like it made a coherent ending to each stanza. There were verses that I felt that line seemed completely out of place, where it seemed tacked on purely for the repetition, rather than in service of what you were saying. I also felt this poem lacked imagination, and you used your prompts very stereotypically. You word choice was nice though, in most of the verses.

VerdictElvaris

Kneenibble vs. Phoekun
Kneenibble Once again, I've issues with your formatting, but that's just me and my silly prejudice against breaking in the midst of lines. Sensuous, evocative, fluid....in truth, it reminds me far too much of your last entry. The gymnast prompt is well utilized, but it takes far too much digging to find the camera. You do paint a lovely picture though.

Phoekun I loved this. I liked the way you tied the viewer's actions to the performers. You painted the scene very well and your choice of words and language were spot on. Really...there's nothing I can even criticize. I really thought this poem was great.

VerdictPhoekun

Amotis vs. Zeratul
Amotis I wanted to understand this....I wanted to like it. I like Shakespeare and Shakespearian comedies. I've taken courses in them. Sadly, even after you explained where you were trying to take this, I didn't quite get the connection between what you showed and what I know of Shakespeare. It was hard to grasp and I don't like working quite so hard to understand things. That being said, some of your verses were nice.

Zeratul While I wasn't a big fan of a lot of your rhymes and word choices, the bouncy cadence of your poem did feel reminiscent of swinging. Some of the lines didn't really make sense to me, but overall I think you combined the prompts well enough.

Verdict Meh...I suppose Zeratul

Coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf
coolgalebert This is good. It has a good flow, decent imagery, and a compelling tale. I'd almost say a timeless tale. Like one I've heard before. Nice word choice, this didn't feel clunky at all. I would have liked a bit more....imagery, I guess. I feel like it was being narrated to me, rather than seeing the scene unfolding and that you didn't leave much to your reader's imagination.

Em Blackleaf I liked this. I wanted to read it over and over because your lines flowed so well. The imagery was nice and really, I think you did a very good job.

Verdict I liked them both, but am giving this to Em.

[Vaynor]

Amotis vs. Zeratul

Both good poems, Amotis' posed an interesting question, Zeratul better combined the prompts. Hard to choose, but im going to go with Zeratul. One thing though - did neither of you realise the swing in the picture is made of rope, not chains?


The poems do not have to follow the prompts that specifically.

[Gem Flower]

@rubakhin
Hey, I want to got to an arts school, I gotta get used to this stuff. I admit that I wrote the poem quickly, and the word choice was awkward. Ah well, at least there was a quiet feeling to the poem.:smallwink: It's what I was going for. Thanks for judging and the review!:smallbiggrin:

@Alarra
w00t, go repetitive lines! Anyways, if I want to go to an arts school, I gotta get used to this stuff. I do admit that I wrote the poem quickly and without originality, and my repetitive line was awkward. Thanks for judging and the review!:smallbiggrin:

@Felixaar
Thanks for sparing my confidence!:smallwink: But hey, I want to go to an arts school, gotta deal with rejection. Anyhoo, you're a great judge and any contest would be lucky to have you! Thanks for judging and the review!:smallbiggrin:

[Kneenibble]

Alarra: the word
is
enjambment.

The rest of your response to my poem
is perfectly fair, but about
enjambment,
you're arguing
with a long

poetic

precedent

to dislike it!

[Felixaar]

you way of press enter every few words is killing my brain. good job.

[Alarra]

Kneenibble:
Truth be told, enjambment doesn't bother me so much if the line break is where there would be a normal pause in speaking the line anyway. The problem that I have is when the formatting breaks the flow of the poem and makes it more difficult to be read aloud.

[Felixaar]

@^

I got that too.

[zeratul]

*Casts magical spell of thread bumping*

[Raistlin1040]

...Erm. Whoops. Forgot about this...

Alright, results. I might elaborate later, if I have the chance, but I'm pretty busy with school and stuff.


Amotis



Phoekun



Elvaris



Em Blackleaf

[Vaynor]

I believe we're waiting on ZRS's judgments now, correct?

[zeratul]

Correct. But I may be killed, anticipation is killing me, and it's got an ancient red dragon for a mount. :smalleek:

[Felixaar]

Let the reaping begin!
Seriously though, I know how you feel. Im anxiously waiting for a reply from a publisher...

@Coolgaelburt
I see, but - no offense - if you have to point it out, it's not really pronounced enough.

@zeratul
I know, odd, isn't it?

@Vaynor
Maybe not if you were judging :smalltongue:

@Gem Flower
Same to you! Uh, except replacing judge with poet and review with poem.

Anyone PM'd Zombie Rock Star?

[ZombieRockStar]

Amotis vs. Zeratul
Amotis
I love that middle line. Religiosity aside, putting "we were close to god" right in the middle of the poem, where everything switches, the border between past and present, is just beautiful. I like this one better; it shows a greater deal of organization and a very nice sense of minimalism.

Hmm...I'd say cut the "(and remember)". Not sure how much purposes it gives and that the line would be much better without it. In a more general sense, I definitely wanted more. Nostalgia is such a strange emotion and I'm only getting a quick shot of it here. Emotional conflict, maybe? (Psychoanalysis time: Freud described mourning/melancholia as a conflict of both love and hatred for the lost object...just a suggestion for one possible direction to go)

Zeratul
This is much better than your last one; I'm impressed. It has a sense of its own meaning and a better use of coherent images. "Like magnets to a pot is a particular favourite.

"Levitous." No. Eww. Get rid of it. My problem isn't because it's a thesaurus word, but that it's used in a thesaurus way. What I mean is that it seems wholly unnatural and poetry should sound like a natural expression of feelings. Same deal with "unmarred," which is far too archaic. This poem just doesn't feel organic enough, is my problem with it.

Verdict
Amotis. His just seemed more poetic and organic while Zer's felt a bit stilted.

Kneenibble vs. PhoeKun
Kneenibble
You know what this poem could've used? Just one line of chiasmus (the technique of repeating the first half of a phrase, but flipped around..."not what your country can do for you/but what you can do for your country"). You've got all this alliteration that works quite well in some places (usually when it's only two words or a bit more subtle) and not so well in others (where its just over the top, like "superflux of sense").

Otherwise, I really like this. The first and last lines are particularly well-composed. Like I said, sometimes the alliteration is just far too much. "Seeing seven somersaults" is particularly bad. But I really like the way it ends, which is odd 'cause usually ending with an ellipsis is kinda cheesy.

PhoeKun
Well-composed language. It reads like it could be either straight-forward poetry or wonderfully descriptive prose...it's got both. The two-line structure is well-used. I think there might be a problem with the repeated lines, though. If you wanted emphasis, I'd have just used single lines instead. It would contrast enough. Though that end section does have a nice sense of action in any case, after the set-up of the first part.

I think this is missing something, and it seems to be mood, atmosphere. Lost of what's happening, and a nice image at the beginning, but I don't think that does enough to create a feeling for the place in question.

Verdict
Kneenibble. Tough choice, but there was a sense of lacking in Phoe's that really would've helped hers a lot, which it did for Kneenibble.

Evaris vs. Gem Flower
Elvaris
"Collected, filtered and returned..." Favourite line. Something about the clinical side of it, in contrast to air, which is such an symbol of freedom and being insubstantial. However, I don't like the two lines that come after it. Too obvious.

That, I guess, extends to the whole poem, I guess, which is my main complaint. It's missing a certain poetic nature...it doesn't feel like it's comfortable with itself, I'd say. I know I'm being vague, but I can't point out anything specific.

Gem Flower
If you're going to use a repeating line, like in a villanelle or what you're doing here, it had better be carefully written and constructed. I like what you've come up with, but it seems like you could've done better. Repeating a poignant metaphor or something. Also...get rid of "so." It doesn't work.

I like the short, simplicity of the lines, they feel natural, which is why I don't like the "so."

Verdict
Truthfully, I'm not a fan of either. But I'll go with Gem Flower, since it seemed like she's got a poem that..well, basically feels more like poetry than just verse.

coolgaelbert vs. Em Blackleaf
coolgaelbert
"Child of the sea." No...just, way too expected, way too traditional. The opening of a poem should have impact, and you're not going to get it with a line like that.

That said, you've got a nice depiction of an arch-typical narrative here. But...I dunno. I wanted a twist of sorts. Everything about this was too expected.

Em Blackleaf
This is a fairly typical narrative. I'd prefer if you played with it a bit. Poetry should be playing with conventions. I'm not saying that it can't be narrative...just give it a little twist.

On the other hand, you have a nice conciseness of language here, a simplicity that makes the descriptions a bit more pastoral and evocative.

Verdict
Don't particularly like either, sorry, because you both did such an expected thing with what you were given. I'll give this to Em by virtue of being a bit more economic with her words and a bit more poetic with her descriptions.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations to:

Amotis
Phoekun
Elvaris
and Em Blackleaf

New round will be up within a day or two...

[Felixaar]

Well, congrats to all above! But congrats to all of you cause you all did a good job (plus much better than I ever could). *eagerly awaits round three*

[Zeb The Troll]

Congrats to those who move on to the next round!

*waits (im)patiently for the next round*

[Raiser Blade]

*Dances a very bumpy dance*

Next round please. :smallsmile:

[Vaynor]

Sorry!

Amotis vs. Elvaris: Swim (http://www.bcssa.bc.ca/vd/nvc/swim.JPG), Pride
Phoekun vs. Em Blackleaf: Space (http://chamorrobible.org/images/photos/gpw-200702-49-NASA-ISS007-E-10807-space-sunset-20030721-Pacific-Ocean-large.jpg), Fate

Deadline:

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 at midnight (the time between the 18th and 19th) EST.

[Zeb The Troll]

It's Daylight Saving Time now, so it'd be EDT, not EST.

[Felixaar]

*looks at space picture*
Woahoho.

Phoe, Em, if either of your poems can capture that, you'll be my official laureate's (sp>) when I conquer humanity.

[Vaynor]

*looks at space picture*
Woahoho.

Phoe, Em, if either of your poems can capture that, you'll be my official laureate's (sp>) when I conquer humanity.

:smallbiggrin: It's a cool pic, isn't it? Saw it and had to use it.

[Elvaris]

Swim (http://www.bcssa.bc.ca/vd/nvc/swim.JPG), Pride



Butterflies

Stillness. Not a breath is taken.
At a sound, an explosion of motion.
A wave of life, churning away.
A flurry of strokes propelling the flight

A barrier, a change of direction.

Now, a drive for a destination, for a perch.
A goal in sight. Stretching. Reaching.
Finally, a touch. A fleeting touch
And a swell of pride as one finds wings.

[Em Blackleaf]

Space (http://chamorrobible.org/images/photos/gpw-200702-49-NASA-ISS007-E-10807-space-sunset-20030721-Pacific-Ocean-large.jpg)- Fate
Fleeting

Speeding through traffic
Running red lights and running out of life
The sands of time pour down
Hills of a life well wasted swell
Like a wave that will never crash

Old and gray now, though not wise
So many experiences
So little time
The clock is ticking
Like a bomb that will soon explode

Moving slowly now, like a planet
In orbit 'round the Sun
Desperately grasping at life
While time runs out faster, faster
Like the life that never was

Darkness
The blazing beacon at the center dims
An icy grip closes on life
A bitter end to a frittered existence
Like the essence that was never found

[ZombieRockStar]

Well...Em's is half an hour late, but I'd accept it.

...

What now?

I say we either give the other two an extra day, or we judge these two as if they were in the same category together so we can determine a winner.

[Alarra]

We did say that people could have an extra day once in the competition. I guess maybe we should give them one?

[Elvaris]

I'll wait.

[Vaynor]

Yah let's give them an extra day, not that big of a deal. If someone could PM them that'd be great, I gotta go.

[PhoeKun]

*shakes head*

No. Do not give me an extra day. I was late, end of story. I have never backed down from that position, and I'm not going to start now that I might benefit from it. I'm sorry to have let the contest down...

[Alarra]

We did say that people could have an extra day once during the competition. You haven't used yours. I see no reason for you not to now.

[PhoeKun]

Because I don't feel that I deserve this extra day. :smallfrown:

[ZombieRockStar]

:smallannoyed:

Look...I admit my judging has been erratic, so I might not be the best person to say this right now, but whatever.

I don't know about you, but I'm damn disappointed that there's only two poems in right now. I was hoping to read four, and if four can still be in by the end of the day, then that's great. I really want to read your poem and Am's. I don't care if they're on time or not. I just care whether I get to read them or not. I don't care whether you feel like you deserve an extra day or not. I care whether you write it or not.

We're giving you an extra day. Hell, I'd give you an extra week. Use it. Whether you "deserve" it is irrelevant.

Unless you don't want to write the poem, or don't feel you can. In which case, just say so, because I can understand that. I'd prefer you say that than "I don't deserve an extra day."

:smallsigh: Sorry for being harsh. Just the way I feel.

[PhoeKun]

:smallannoyed:

It's irrelevant, is it? And how, pray tell, is that fair to all the people I've pushed to disqualify in these contests because they were all of three minutes late? I'm supposed to just say none of that matters because you want there to be more poems?

To hell with that. I've been freaking out and in tears at the thought turning in a late submission. And maybe that's because I'm under a lot of stress more than it is about me being self-righteous, but either way, sitting down to write for this round is making me sick. You want me to say it? I will. I can't write this poem. I won't write this poem. And I don't want to write this poem.

Be disappointed. Hate me for it, that's fine. I've got no business being here, anyway.

[Kneenibble]

Phoe-kun, you climb over my arrow-riddled, gangrenous, magotty corpse into round 3 and squander your glory thus?

Ah, but how can I stay mad at you. You sound upset and troubled.
*hug*

[rubakhin]

Aw, Phoe ... well, I understand, if it goes against your morals and you'd feel lousy about it. It's not bad to have a strong ethical backbone, so to speak. Only don't beat yourself up too much, yeah?

[Vaynor]

Ok, well in this circumstance, there being only 2 poems, judge the poems on pure content and following of each respective prompt, not if the other followed the prompt better (it's not really comparable). I guess this means either Em or Elvaris will be winning IP III. Good luck!

@Phoe, sorry you feel that way, and I understand not wanting to write the poem. Hope to see you next contest. :smallsmile:

[Felixaar]

@Vay, Oh hell yes. Reminds me of when I flew to brisbane during the wet season. It was about six AM and we were just flying over this blanket of clouds, you would not know that there was a planet under there. And then the sun came up and it was like the clouds were made of gold...

Anyway, on to the judgings. Shame about not getting poems in on time but gotta work with what you got. I also feel kinda bad cause I was expecting Amotis and Phoekun to be the final 2 :smallredface: no offence to either of y'all, since I can honestly say before even judging that both your poems are a well bred mix of Awe and Some.

Now, without further Adieu,
Iron Poet III Grand Final Judging Begins(!!!)
Having read both poems, I was dismayed for the task ahead. Both of them are totally awesome, and contest winners to boot (and no, i'm not planning to use the giant boot in my contest deciding strategy (thought that would be cool)). But in the end I've got to choose Em Blackleaf. Throughout this contest she's shown excellent word play and used amazing language to coalesce a brilliant mind-picture, and Fleeting is perhaps the greatest example of that yet. "An icy grip closes on life" was awesome, and the spirit of the poem was just excellent. Well done, Em. But this isn't to say El's poem wasnt great too - I loved the finding wings part. His poetry, I think, has improved (though that not to say it wasnt great to start with) since the beginning of the contest, and I've really enjoyed reading it. Congratulations to both of you and thanks for gifting me with many enjoyable poems.

By the way, does anyone think we should have a poem of the contest award? Because if we do, my vote goes to
Kneenible - Graphic (or whatever the title was, I'm not sure)

And finally I'd like to see thanks to all our poets for giving me many fun filled hours of judging. Theres really nothing quite like poetry and the fact that so many of you were loyal to this contest (we've had like, three missed poems, where as in IA we got seven stories out of fifteen) really astounds me. Thanks guys, I look forward to the next competition. Maybe I'll compete, just to see how badly y'all beat me.

Felixaar, out. :smallcool:

[Vaynor]

Judges? Come on, let's finish this contest and move on to the next one!

[rubakhin]

Hokay. Mm. *drums fingers on desk* I'm finding myself without a lot to say about either of these poems for once. Em, I think you could work a bit on word choice. "Frittered" threw me out of the poem a bit. And there aren't too many original images here to hold on to. "An icy grip closing on life" is okay, but really, "icy grip", it's a meaningless cliche that you should try to avoid. Overall, a bit bland, awkward. I think the poem would have benefited some if you had focused more on the rhythm than anything else, the strongest parts of the poem, the stand-out parts, are the ones that have a bit more of a kick to them:
So many experiences/So little time ... but even that's a little awkward, come to think of it. I get the feeling sometimes reading your poems that you're using (to paraphrase Twain) not the right word, but its second cousin.

Elvaris. Your poem I liked a little better. Didn't read awkwardly, or slightly off-kilter like Em's. The whole "finding wings" bit made my stomach turn (if you have to use cliches in your poems, can you at least try to use one that people still take seriously? :smallfrown:) but overall it was a solid poem, even if it didn't say much of anything, so I'm giving this one to you, El.

[Alarra]

Verdict- Elvaris I liked this poem, the idea of the interplay between the image of the butterflies flying and the picture's depiction of someone doing the butterfly stroke. The imagery was nice, and evoked in me memories of swimming meets, as well as butterflies flying and had dual meanings that played well over one another. In truth, I think I really liked this poem because it reminded me a lot of one I wrote back in college, a lot of the same imagery and even word choice.

Em, yours was a pretty good poem as well, as usual it's always a bit difficult to judge the final round....although this wasn't supposed to be. Your word choice and phrasing was nice and I enjoyed reading this.

[ZombieRockStar]

Hmm...I'm not quite sure what to say about either. Basically, both were a succession of images that really didn't do much for me. I felt that Elvaris's was a bit more unified in terms of the prompts given, so I'll hand it to him.

:sigh: There, that's done. Remind me not to judge again...*goes back to schoolwork*

[Raistlin1040]

I gotta say, I'm in the same boat as ZRS here...Same as last round, I've made semi-arbitrary verdicts, and I may or may not decide to explain why later.

Elvaris.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations Elvaris, winner of IP III!

New contest up tomorrow.