A Friend: A Dilemma

[Kaelaroth]

OK, so I have this friend. For old times sake, I'll ressurect the name. It's Bonnoite, ladies and gentlemen. And Bonnoite's quite a nice guy. Generally well-meaning and pretty clever. However, he has a host of problems. His mother is domineering and doesn't let him do anything without her constant supervision, or pre-approved double checks, partially because he has severe allergies, which impede on his daily life a great deal. Because of his strict, old-fashioned upbringing, he has very little knowledge of what's cool or in fashion at the current time, making it hard to strike up a conversation. He is universally regarded as being a bit weird, as he has "odd" tendencies, like... hitting his head across the wall a few times, or declaring that "they can't see us if we can't see them!" and hiding behind a table. I don't know what the cause of this is... a problem of some kind, or just a cry for attention.

Now, my dilemma is: should I be trying to "help" this guy? He's socially unaccepted, but is it my right to try and even him out a little - or should I just leave him with few friends and no independence from his parents? I feel bad for asking this question, since in some ways, he seems OK with the cards he's been dealt in life, but I know he's not entirely happy. What should I do?

[Zombie pixe]

is he picked on or just generally avoided?

[wadledo]

Are you willing to be this persons friend with no changes to your or his behavior?

Because like you said, you don't know if he's happy or not, just that he's odd.

[Kaelaroth]

Mainly avoided, but if people do stumble into (or in some cases, over) him, they'll typically make fun of him. Another problem I've just thought of is his lack of... puberty-driven effects? In all forms... not just the obvious.

EDIT: He is unwilling to talk about his emotions a lot of the time. I would still be his friend is he remained the same... but over time, I'm not sure many of the friends that he has gathered (mainly through me) would want to remain being friends if he continues being.... him.

[Tempest Fennac]

It may be a good idea to talk to him about it, while pssibly suggesting that he sees a specialist (having allergies and being out of touch can't really be avoided, but the other problems could be serious).

[Ranna]

its hard to try to help some1 unless they come to you with a problem first

if you go to him and start saying "well maybe u shouldnt do that cos it's not quite normal or maybe you should wear this that or the other" it may upset him if he doesnt percieve himself as having any odd tendencies, some people think its the rest of the world that has the problem not them and trying to break it to some1 is very difficult

its like when your mates boyfriend is an utter **** and u cant tell her cos she loves him and cant see it

its a pity you cant take him shopping as a past time thats what my friends and i did with one of our friends that had similar problems and we were able to quietly guide her into fashion and sort of stop her "head htting tendencies"

although u have a big big heart for caring so much - if you do decide to do things, do it gently as you can i guess

[Kaelaroth]

Thanks Ranna. The problem with those suggestions are, R and Tempest, that it's very hard for me to get much contact with him outside of school, because his Mother won't let him go anywhere. He couldn't play DnD with us, for example, because he had to go to bed (at 8pm!), or he'd seen one friend that week, and that was enough.

Also, very, very few of my male friends will come shopping with me. I don't know why. :smallredface:

[Zombie pixe]

yea, im with Ranna, if you are going to do anything, do it very gently.

if he was being bullied then you really would have a problem, but for this one and as to how to slove it, i have no ideas. sorry :smallfrown:

still, anything you do do you will have to do it as gently as possible

[Lyesmith]

Hrm. I reccomend you at least try and help him, maybe get him to try and stand up to his parents. However, it may result in his problems getting worse, so i cant actually be sure.

[Raider]

This is not your bussiness. I understand that he has problems but you can't become directly involved, but you can encourage him to. But you mustn't go too far too fast. The last thing you want to do is cause him more problems

[Copacetic]

Talk to him. If he is a nice person, befriend him. you can also use more nice people in your life. It really doesn't matter if he is Strange.


Also, Don't don't don't don't don't EVER, EVER mess with the kids parents. The last thing over-protectve parents like is titchy kids whomess in their affairs. (From their perspective anyway.)

[CharlieSmiles]

Are you sure this "friend" of yours isn't a dog and you happen to be his "domineering mother" and you just don't have the nerve to ask your vet in person. Because dogs can get steroid shots for their allergies. Boredom will cause a dog to have strange behaviors like hitting its head against the wall, and assuming that someone can't see them becasue they've closed their eyes is common behavior. and there are many socialization classes that will help your "friend" deal with people better.

[Micate]

Until late in my high school career, I was also one of those unfortunate out of touch, shielded by their mother types, although I hid it really well in public/at school, but I don't think I even considered anything to have been wrong with my situation. You blind yourself when you live like that, and as long as we don't get dropped into life too hard, I don't see any reason for alarm.

But if you do want to help him, be ready to deal with his mother as well. The best place to talk to him is probably going to be his room, since that tends to be where overprotected children feel most comfortable (their rooms), and being at his house, if/when he starts rebelling as a result of your actions (normal/positive steps for the oppressed child depending on how he chooses to rebel), you will have to deal with his mother and explain how, ultimately, his independence is more important than his safety.

Edit: But as mentioned above, do NOT confront her with that. Getting parenting advice from a teenager is the last thing anybody wants, and might cause her to further restrict his visitation rights if she thinks people are trying to corrupt her poor boy. Just be ready to defend your actions if she tries to shoot you down for raping her boys mind (and unfortunately, you will probably get biased against for being gay also...)

Just be careful though, when my friend was helping push me out of my bubble, I became very confused, and having been asexual up until then (which you describe as having no "puberty-driven effects"), became very confused as to whether or not I was attracted to this friend. Knowing that you're gay may make your friend uncomfortable, or lead to some uncomfortable situations.

And finally, I'm incredibly grateful for my friend who helped me. One day your friend will need help. But, whether you choose to just be his friend and wait for him to ask for help, or to move in close and help push him out of his bubble sooner is up to you. I can't know whether it would be a good idea or not without knowing more about him, you, and your relationship, but I wouldn't feel right asking for that much information.

[Serpentine]

I've gotta get off the net in, like, now, so I'll just say this:
Mere kindness can do a lot, and
Everyone needs a friend.

[SoD]

I agree with Serpy there (do you mind Serpy?) and will add a quote I heard somewhere from someone:
When walking down the street, say hello to everyone you walk past. You never know who's going to be walking home happy, because someone talked to them.

I've known a few people like that, nobody would ever talk to them, and the best thing to happen would be when someone said 'hello' as they went past. Be nice, kindness get's you everywhere.

[Serpentine]

How very dare you :smallannoyed:

:smalltongue:

[Brickwall]

Didn't we address this problem less than a month ago? We have no new advice. If what we said then didn't help, there's nothing new for you here. You're wasting your time.

[Kaelaroth]

Didn't we address this problem less than a month ago? We have no new advice. If what we said then didn't help, there's nothing new for you here. You're wasting your time.

No, we didn't - and so what if we did? If you don't care for my problems, don't post on them! Maybe next time you could get some human emotion, instead of being a Brickwall? :smallyuk:

Now a new problem has sprung up. My friends (and some deep part of me) want to chuck him out the DnD group to replace him with someone who we're all really, really good friends with. I feel awful about this, in so many ways, but logically it would be the best thing to do, as Bonnoite can't roleplay and plays the same generic characters, while Keyring (our old friend) has great ideas and is really fun. Any suggestions here?

And Micate, I get what you're saying. I'm gonna have to incredibly careful, aren't I? (assuming I do something)

[banjo1985]

Do you have a limit on the amount of people in your gaming group? You could invite the new person that everyone likes without having to throw out this other guy. It may be the best comprimise.

We've only ever had to throw one person out of our group, and though I agreed with the reasons, I still feel guilty about it now, especially as I still see him quite regularly and he still tries to be friendly. I would advise against it if you can at all avoid it, especially if you intend to offer him help with the other issues you've described.

[Micate]

And Micate, I get what you're saying. I'm gonna have to incredibly careful, aren't I? (assuming I do something)

Well, I guess thats what I meant... I'm not really sure what I meant, but that works:smalltongue: . It really depends on how much you do for him too.

As for the DnD situation, being an oddball is no grounds for special treatment. Talk to him about his roleplaying ability, and if he really isn't any fun to play with, then let him down as easily as possible, and bring in the new guy. Or ideally, just bring in the new guy and not drop him ... But that might not be up to you (I just don't like excluding people).

[Ethrael]

hey everyone. I'm kae's friend from his DnD group, also know as "poledancer". Basically, here's the situation: for two out of the 4 people in our group, me and Neural Probing, not continuing to play without bonnoite is a good idea, we both feel that he's holding us back, both with times and arranging sessions (the mum issue) and during game-time, his roleplay is so terrible it actually embarasses us.

Another thing with the mum issue, he claims that it is impossible to reason with her as she's a psychologist and that she "psycho-analyses" him and she can basically read his mind. After one particularly annoying incident where he couldn't come to an after-school friday session because he was already seeing someone on the weekend, was going to be tired for the next week and wasn't going to be able to finish his homework I spoke to him, asking him why he does whatever she says. He replied back with the "psycho-analysis" thing, and the weirdest thing was that he seemed to agree with her. When he gave me her 'reasons' for not letting him come, he was nodding and said it with a matter-of-fact tone which suggested that he almost was looking for an excuse to not come. I know this is not true, that it probably was his mum behind it, but the fact that he seemed to be supporting her bewildered me.:smallyuk:

also, and kae will back me up on this, he metagames a lot, as he is DMing for his own other DnD group and he seems to have memorised PHB and MM and is working on DM's guide and so acts as the fact-memoriser of the group, and almost ruining some of the problems we had to solve. Our third member, Stumpy remains neutral on the matter, he doesn't know Bonnoite that well as they aren't in any classes at school etc. and so admits that he doesn't feel his annoyance as much as us.
Kae however, is in the middle of this dilemma and needs help on what to do. I would also appreciate it, as even though I strongly logically believe that it would make us enjoy it a lot more without him, I'm also having the moral setback Kae seems to be feeling, about how he would feel, especially since he doesn't have many friends, at least in-school, apart from a freaky domineering friend I'll call Bauble.

Any suggestions on the DnD-group problem would help.