Bor the Barbarian Monk
2008-02-18, 02:00 AM
Did anyone witness this travesty of television? UGH! First NBC took The Bionic Woman and butchered her beyond trilions of dollars worth of repair. Now they've taken yet another show I grew up with and massacred it.
I'll spoiler it to save space, as well as not reveal anyhting for anyone who DARES to try and watch it via repeat...or whatever.
Let's start with the fact that the commercials appeared to be rudely interrupted by a show. We were well-informed that the new KITT would be a Ford Mustang. But...well, does anyone remember Ford's slogan ages ago? "Have you Drive a Ford lately?" After attempting to watch this "movie," which I had hopes for, their slogan should be, "Have you been beaten over the head with a Ford lately?" If I was capable of driving, I'd head into a Ford dealership tomorrow and insist they PAY ME to drive one of their cars off the lot!
Okay...On with the show. The bad guys are bad. The leading lady is pretty and can act. The car can do nifty things...
Hang on. Before we do ANYTHING else, let's be sure to cast the leading man with an actor who has the emotional range of a toothbrush! Look, if you can't ACT like your mother was just killed, you can at least BE mad that your career has been murdered by your lack of talent! I'm not even talking about the writing. The "actor's" name is Justin Bruening, playing the role of Mike Traceur. The man has done soap operas. You'd think he could at least OVERact. Nope. The car, voiced by Val Kilmer, was a better actor...AND THE CAR IS TECHNICALLY A PROP!!!
BUT WAIT, there's less! Here we have the pretty car driving through pretty scenery. And here's some more shots of the pretty car in more pretty scenery. Oh! Wait! We have a moment where we might be able to have some story development? Let's replace it with this footage of the pretty car driving through some pretty scenery.
Oh, but then there's my favorite. Look, I don't mind if you want to use an up-and-coming band's music as part of a reactionary scene, where characters give meaningful looks to one another or do something that moves the story along. But I don't need a MUSIC VIDEO of the pretty car driving through some pretty scenery! It's like these dolts didn't learn from the mistake of The Bionic Woman, where they had music playing over the pretty girl batting her pretty eyes and working out. If I want a music video, I'll watch MTV...Oh, wait...they don't actually play music videos anymore, do they? :smallconfused:
Now to the writing. While I remain unpublished, I know just enough about it to rant. (This could take a while.)
I want to know...What genius thought the leading lady should bring up the "why did you leave me Mike" question while the man is relieving himself in the bushes?!? The question, all by itself, is awkward enough. Did the writers think it would be MORE awkward to ask while the man's bladder is being emptied? The whole aspect of the scene wasn't necessary. The xetended cut of Fellowship of the Ring is 208 minutes long, (that's 3 hours and 28 minutes), and not once did a hobbit say, "Hold up, everyone! I must go potty!"
Let me ask a question about the FBI agent. She's either bi or lesbian. Kudos for being chic. We're all very proud. She has a beach house and can surf. Nifty. These nuggets of information, however, moved the story forward...how? They show her surfing, come in, find what is supposed to be an obviously naked blonde woman in bed, and after a brief chat, FBI-woman is off to fight crime. The woman's sexual orientation didn't make me care any more or less about her, especially when they made it clear it was a one-night-stand. Her ability to surf certainly didn't help her fight the bad guys. And the beach house was pretty...which makes me wonder why they didn't drive the pretty car through it. :smallconfused:
Now, my studying on how to write a screenplay has taught me that the television variety should be written with a kind of mini-cliffhanger for the breaks. You want your audience to come back after the commercials, right? (See above to guess how many of these with which I had to deal.) Most of them were so cliché that a five-year-old could've predicted them. Allow me to demonstrate:
Some of the good guys have rented four motel rooms so that if the bad guys ever found them, they'd have to do some searching. The leading man and leading lady show up with the pretty car. The pretty car can lead the the leading man right to where the other good guys are holed up. Now we spend 30 seconds of showing a hand on a doorknob...a lock turning...a bad guy reaching for a door...the hiding good guys (with a revolver that seems to have come from nowhere)...a lock turning...another bad guy turning a key...a finger on the revolver's trigger...a hand on the doorknob...COMMERCIAL!
:elan: Dun dun DUN!
...we come back from commercial and we spend ANOTHER 30 seconds of showing a hand on a doorknob...a lock turning...etc., ad nauseum. They spent so much time trying to build suspense that I didn't care if Captain Kangaroo walked in and they shot him. (And I happen to LIKE Captain Kangaroo!) It's not real suspense anyway. The bad guys have to look. The good guy KNOWS where to go because the pretty car told him. So if the hero was at a door with a bad guy, the doorknob-turning would've stopped and there would've been a fight scene.
I can write poetry better than this tripe. Wanna see?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you so well.
If I had a peanut,
I'd give you the shell.
And my little Elan shtick there? No joke, after an hour of this nonsense and praying that it would magically improve, I was doing that...alone...in my apartment...disturbing my cat's sleep.
You would think that somewhere along the way, an NBC executive would say, "Hey! Let's stop trying to re-invent the wheel. We'll use the old, successful formula that worked decades ago, put modern technology to use so it looks even cooler, and we'll take it from there." Nope. Instead, it's more along the lines of, "Let's try to get a cast as large as The Lord of the Rings saga, with half of them talented and the rest just pretty faces, shove plot-lines A, B, C, and D down the audience's throat, along with sub-plots E, F, and G, as well as hinting at sub-sub-plots H and I, which might later link all other plots together, do nothing about character development, ensuring that no one in our audience could care less about the leads, and then guess on which date the investors all run for cover and we have to pull the plug."
It had potential. The commercials for the "movie" had me stoked for it. Instead, I got a 120 minute long Ford commercial. :smallyuk:
I'll spoiler it to save space, as well as not reveal anyhting for anyone who DARES to try and watch it via repeat...or whatever.
Let's start with the fact that the commercials appeared to be rudely interrupted by a show. We were well-informed that the new KITT would be a Ford Mustang. But...well, does anyone remember Ford's slogan ages ago? "Have you Drive a Ford lately?" After attempting to watch this "movie," which I had hopes for, their slogan should be, "Have you been beaten over the head with a Ford lately?" If I was capable of driving, I'd head into a Ford dealership tomorrow and insist they PAY ME to drive one of their cars off the lot!
Okay...On with the show. The bad guys are bad. The leading lady is pretty and can act. The car can do nifty things...
Hang on. Before we do ANYTHING else, let's be sure to cast the leading man with an actor who has the emotional range of a toothbrush! Look, if you can't ACT like your mother was just killed, you can at least BE mad that your career has been murdered by your lack of talent! I'm not even talking about the writing. The "actor's" name is Justin Bruening, playing the role of Mike Traceur. The man has done soap operas. You'd think he could at least OVERact. Nope. The car, voiced by Val Kilmer, was a better actor...AND THE CAR IS TECHNICALLY A PROP!!!
BUT WAIT, there's less! Here we have the pretty car driving through pretty scenery. And here's some more shots of the pretty car in more pretty scenery. Oh! Wait! We have a moment where we might be able to have some story development? Let's replace it with this footage of the pretty car driving through some pretty scenery.
Oh, but then there's my favorite. Look, I don't mind if you want to use an up-and-coming band's music as part of a reactionary scene, where characters give meaningful looks to one another or do something that moves the story along. But I don't need a MUSIC VIDEO of the pretty car driving through some pretty scenery! It's like these dolts didn't learn from the mistake of The Bionic Woman, where they had music playing over the pretty girl batting her pretty eyes and working out. If I want a music video, I'll watch MTV...Oh, wait...they don't actually play music videos anymore, do they? :smallconfused:
Now to the writing. While I remain unpublished, I know just enough about it to rant. (This could take a while.)
I want to know...What genius thought the leading lady should bring up the "why did you leave me Mike" question while the man is relieving himself in the bushes?!? The question, all by itself, is awkward enough. Did the writers think it would be MORE awkward to ask while the man's bladder is being emptied? The whole aspect of the scene wasn't necessary. The xetended cut of Fellowship of the Ring is 208 minutes long, (that's 3 hours and 28 minutes), and not once did a hobbit say, "Hold up, everyone! I must go potty!"
Let me ask a question about the FBI agent. She's either bi or lesbian. Kudos for being chic. We're all very proud. She has a beach house and can surf. Nifty. These nuggets of information, however, moved the story forward...how? They show her surfing, come in, find what is supposed to be an obviously naked blonde woman in bed, and after a brief chat, FBI-woman is off to fight crime. The woman's sexual orientation didn't make me care any more or less about her, especially when they made it clear it was a one-night-stand. Her ability to surf certainly didn't help her fight the bad guys. And the beach house was pretty...which makes me wonder why they didn't drive the pretty car through it. :smallconfused:
Now, my studying on how to write a screenplay has taught me that the television variety should be written with a kind of mini-cliffhanger for the breaks. You want your audience to come back after the commercials, right? (See above to guess how many of these with which I had to deal.) Most of them were so cliché that a five-year-old could've predicted them. Allow me to demonstrate:
Some of the good guys have rented four motel rooms so that if the bad guys ever found them, they'd have to do some searching. The leading man and leading lady show up with the pretty car. The pretty car can lead the the leading man right to where the other good guys are holed up. Now we spend 30 seconds of showing a hand on a doorknob...a lock turning...a bad guy reaching for a door...the hiding good guys (with a revolver that seems to have come from nowhere)...a lock turning...another bad guy turning a key...a finger on the revolver's trigger...a hand on the doorknob...COMMERCIAL!
:elan: Dun dun DUN!
...we come back from commercial and we spend ANOTHER 30 seconds of showing a hand on a doorknob...a lock turning...etc., ad nauseum. They spent so much time trying to build suspense that I didn't care if Captain Kangaroo walked in and they shot him. (And I happen to LIKE Captain Kangaroo!) It's not real suspense anyway. The bad guys have to look. The good guy KNOWS where to go because the pretty car told him. So if the hero was at a door with a bad guy, the doorknob-turning would've stopped and there would've been a fight scene.
I can write poetry better than this tripe. Wanna see?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you so well.
If I had a peanut,
I'd give you the shell.
And my little Elan shtick there? No joke, after an hour of this nonsense and praying that it would magically improve, I was doing that...alone...in my apartment...disturbing my cat's sleep.
You would think that somewhere along the way, an NBC executive would say, "Hey! Let's stop trying to re-invent the wheel. We'll use the old, successful formula that worked decades ago, put modern technology to use so it looks even cooler, and we'll take it from there." Nope. Instead, it's more along the lines of, "Let's try to get a cast as large as The Lord of the Rings saga, with half of them talented and the rest just pretty faces, shove plot-lines A, B, C, and D down the audience's throat, along with sub-plots E, F, and G, as well as hinting at sub-sub-plots H and I, which might later link all other plots together, do nothing about character development, ensuring that no one in our audience could care less about the leads, and then guess on which date the investors all run for cover and we have to pull the plug."
It had potential. The commercials for the "movie" had me stoked for it. Instead, I got a 120 minute long Ford commercial. :smallyuk: