Relationship Woes and Advice, Part IV

[Syka]

Well...After the confession thread, I saw way too many "what do I do in this situation" threads popping up, so here is one nice compendium. Come here to post questions about how to approach the opposite sex, the dread first date and, should you be in a relationship already and fairly certain they don't read Giant, a place to complain/seek advice about a current flame.

If you'd rather not make it public, I will compile a list in this thread of people who will accept PM's to give advice.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

Private Advice Givers:
Eh, I'm pretty sure any regular has an open PM box for you.


RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

Cheers,
Syka

[Brickwall]

Wow, we're on 4 now? Goes to show how many people have relationship troubles.

Now that I think about it, though, "relationship troubles" is a redundancy.

Play on, folks.

[Serpentine]

Vella: No, that makes you well-adjusted. Well done for dealing with it, good on you for having a go, hope you stay friends, and I hope you won't let that setback stop you from keeping on trying.

[Syka]

Wow, we're on 4 now? Goes to show how many people have relationship troubles.

Now that I think about it, though, "relationship troubles" is a redundancy.

Play on, folks.

Yeah, I'm shocked. And to think, the first one was in April of last year, I think. :)


And that's not true. :smalltongue: I have a relationship that is shockingly devoid of trouble...

...if you don't count the whole "not able to physically be with each other for longer than maybe a month until December" thing...;)

Cheers,
Syka

[Logic]

@Vella_Malachite: From what I can tell, I think you are handling your situation rather well. Just make sure that tears and ice cream are only in moderation.

[Perducci]

Ok, my problem really isn't about me that much.

I've got this female friend that another guy and me hang out with a good bit. We we're hanging out tonight and talking about relationships. The topic of age came up. My friend and I agreed that 2-3 years would be that max difference in age we wouldn't mind in a relationship. She says 6-7. Whoa, we say. We kind of blow it off until she mentions this older guy she kind of likes. She refuses to say who it is because she says I know the guy and hate him. After a few minutes of thinking and squeezing some clues out of her I figure out who this guy is. I REALLY hate this guy now. He's 24...she's 18. Normally I would just frown upon this, but the situation has really gotten me pissed. This guy was her track coach back in high school. Right after she graduates, she goes to his place for some track related reason. He invites her to watch a movie and plants a kiss on her. She doesn't react and gives him the luke-warm shoulder. Then he invites her on a cruise. She doesn't go, but is still interested in this guy. She's a really sweet innocent girl and also really naive. He's tried to seduce her a few more times since then. My other male friend and I know for a fact that this guys a total sleazeball but she still thinks he's a nice guy. He cheated on his last girlfriend who he'd dated for a few years. We told her. She still thinks he's a nice guy. We know he's a man-whore. We told her. She still thinks he's a nice guy. Tomorrow she's supposed to get lunch with this guy. We told her to tell him this is highly inappropriate and to buzz off in less nice ways. She kept saying she didn't know and how he's a nice guy. We left feeling very frustrated. I was fuming at several points really wishing to punch something. I did on the way out.

Yes I know she's legal, but the whole situation is creepy and makes pisses me off. I gues the advice I'm asking is...how do you beat* sense into someone?

*I will in no way physically hurt the girl. The guy on the other hand....

[Serpentine]

1. 18-24 isn't really that bad :smallconfused: I put my limit on my sister's age (partly because it'd be really creepy to go out with one of her friends), and she's somewhere between 6 and 7 years older than me. (side-note: my ex, when he was about 21 (he's something like a year older than me, and this happened a year or two ago) went out with what he thought was an 18-year-old girl. Turns out she lied, and was actually 15 :smallyuk: Anyway, it does vary with respective ages. 18-24 would be pushing it for me, but 21-27 I'd consider)
2. You've warned her. That's the extent of your part in the matter. Everything else is up to her now. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces and/or bash the guy when if he hurts her.

[Jibar]

A quick insight into why I tend to dislike guys.

15 year old girl and 35-40 year old guy.
All consensual. Both entered knowing what they were doing.
Doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Trust me, I understand how you're feeling man.

[BlackStaticWolf]

I put my limit on my sister's age (partly because it'd be really creepy to go out with one of her friends)

I actually did the same thing, for the same reason. Only difference is that my sister is younger, rather than older. The one time I violated it, I regretted it later.

Of course, now that my sister is in her 20s, I've relaxed that limit a good bit, because that limit was mostly a maturity thing.


A quick insight into why I tend to dislike guys.

15 year old girl and 35-40 year old guy.
All consensual. Both entered knowing what they were doing.
Doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Trust me, I understand how you're feeling man.

That's actually illegal in most states in the US. It's probably illegal in all of them, but I haven't done the research to be able to say that for sure.

[Thanatos 51-50]

That's actually illegal in most states in the US. It's probably illegal in all of them, but I haven't done the research to be able to say that for sure.

In some US states, its quite legal to marry someone as young as 14 years old with consent.

[Brickwall]

I personally think the age differences cited here are fairly inconsequential. Larger gaps can work out just as well as relationships between people of the same age. Anything less than 10 years is pretty sane. Even a generation of gap is still acceptable if it's not incest, though it might be a bit creepy.

I think the problem aj is having with this guy is not his age. I mean, they're both young adults. I don't think you could really tell an age difference just looking between the two without any other information. The problem is that this guy, according to aj, is the kind of jerk who is good at getting into girls' pants and wants nothing else. Well, it's about time she learned that for herself. You can't just pull her out of the relationship. There's about nothing you can do about it. Just keep a sharp eye on her, in case it looks like they're headed to date-rape central (in which case, physical intervention is permissible), but otherwise, it's a lesson she can only learn by getting her silly little heart broken. Keep some chocolate stocked up for when that happens.

[BlackStaticWolf]

In some US states, its quite legal to marry someone as young as 14 years old with consent.

That's a very specific exception. It requires that the minor be emancipated and/or have parental consent (which emancipates said minor). It becomes legal because the minor is then no longer considered a minor under the law.

In those same states, if a 14 year old has sex with say... a 25 year old who he/she isn't married to, it's statutory rape.

Age of consent laws are kind of interesting. Most states have an age of consent of 16 (I believe that at least one is 14, but I don't feel like looking it up). In some states, reaching the age of consent means that they can have sex with anyone they choose with no crime occuring.

In others, at that age the minor can legally have sex with other minors who have reached the age of consent. However, they cannot legally have sex with someone 18 years or older.

Of course, still other states do sort of a window thing that compares the ages of the couple. For example, the age of consent in Florida is 16. However, a 16 year old can have sex with someone as old as 23 without a crime occurring.

These laws sometimes do some funny things when a minor under the age of consent has sex with another minor under the age of consent. As minors under that age aren't legally capable of consenting to sexual activity, depending on the wording of the relevant laws, the couple might actually be raping each other and they can both be prosecuted. That's the case in Florida when two 13 year olds have sex with each other (Florida in effect has multiple ages of consent... we takes minors fornicatin' seriously!). How's that grab ya?

[SoD]

Just my 2 cp on the matter of age: it changes. 10 years (for example, it's a nice number) isn't always the same amount of time (in a way). Look at the gap between, say, 12-22 when compared to 30-40.

When you're younger (another relative term), it's best to stay closer to your age, as you get older, those standards relax, because everyone's closer in terms of maturity (both physical and mentalyl usually mentally).

As for my relationship woe, nothing to do about it. I'm in Finland, she's in Australia, nothing for it but to wait another five months or so. I've already lasted since early August. I'll keep an update, eh?

[eidreff]

OK here's my new woe.

I have been VERY happily single for around 6 years now. Until a few weeks ago this was the state that i was more than happy to remain in.

to cut the story a little short my ex is currently pestering me and professing that she loves me, whilst I am trying to show another woman that I do truly like her and am not just another a-hole like her previous relationships.

This is where the difficulty comes in. I think that the new flame was going to do something romantic this week when we met up, however due to unforseen RL problems this didn't happen. I have emailed, sent SMS and left messages on MSN, however as soon as i log in she either logs out or appears offline. I don't know what the problem is, or if there is even a problem in the first place. However I just don't know what to do or say.

Add to this the brain liquidisation of someone who dumped me so hard there is still a dent on the pavement professing to still love me and I feel a bit mixed up right now.

[The Rose Dragon]

Woo! Woes!

I've never had a relationship woe, because I've never been in a relationship (that one doesn't count). I think we all know that.

The question therefore is, what is a good time to ask someone out after they have a break-up?

Oh, also, in my case, "when they're over it" doesn't work.

[Brickwall]

When they've stopped talking about it. If they never stop talking about it, it's never a good time. Simple.

[SoD]

More than four days. If they accept, it makes their ex feel downright awful. Wait a reasonable amount of time.

However, on the flip side, if you've got feelings for someone, chances are that someone else does as well.

[Lilly]

Ok, my problem really isn't about me that much.

I REALLY hate this guy now. He's 24...she's 18. Normally I would just frown upon this, but the situation has really gotten me pissed. This guy was her track coach back in high school. Right after she graduates, she goes to his place for some track related reason. He invites her to watch a movie and plants a kiss on her. She doesn't react and gives him the luke-warm shoulder. Then he invites her on a cruise. She doesn't go, but is still interested in this guy. She's a really sweet innocent girl and also really naive. He's tried to seduce her a few more times since then. My other male friend and I know for a fact that this guys a total sleazeball but she still thinks he's a nice guy. He cheated on his last girlfriend who he'd dated for a few years. We told her. She still thinks he's a nice guy. We know he's a man-whore. We told her. She still thinks he's a nice guy. Tomorrow she's supposed to get lunch with this guy. We told her to tell him this is highly inappropriate and to buzz off in less nice ways. She kept saying she didn't know and how he's a nice guy. We left feeling very frustrated. I was fuming at several points really wishing to punch something. I did on the way out.

I've been through similar situations with several friends of my own. The best piece of advice I can give you is that she has to make her own mistakes. The more you try to push her away from this guy, the more she will like him.

She's 18 now, she has graduated from High School, and this guy is no longer her coach. There is no reason other than he might not be her type that she should not date this guy.

People can change. This guy may have been going through a rough patch or a phase when he performed all of his man-whore-ish actions. He may actually be the nice guy she says he is. He may have had a specific reason (not that it's okay, but it may have been a one time only incident) to cheat on his last girlfriend.

What you aren't seeing is the two of them interacting together. You see both of them in a vacuum. What I would suggest doing is to get a group activity together. Go play mini-golf with her, him, you, your other friend, and maybe a couple other people. (Indoor glow in the dark mini-golf is really fun if nowhere outdoors is open yet. Or go bowling. Or throw a (dry) St. Patrick's Day party. Or invite him to gaming. Have a LAN party.) You want to watch how the two of them interact. Watch him as well when the two of them aren't right with each other. Does he flirt with the girls that work there? Does he say mean things to her? Is he overly possessive of her? Are they really touchy feely together? Does he respect her? (That last one is really important)

One last comment. She's going out to lunch with him. After turning down at least one offer of a more intimate date. Lunch is one of the most non-committal dates you can go on if you both have time to be doing more. (Meaning if you have the time to go out to dinner, but would rather do lunch.) It lasts at most 2 hours, occurs in the middle of the day, in a public place. She may really not want to be with him. She may just think he's a nice guy and not want to date him. So if I were you, I'd back off a little bit. I would not make any negative comments about it for two weeks. If she is still with him, I'd do what I said in the previous paragraph. And if she's not, I'd bake her a cake, but then I'd keep my nose, and opinions out of her relationships for a little while. Unless of course, she asks.

[Thanatos 51-50]

That's a very specific exception. It requires that the minor be emancipated and/or have parental consent (which emancipates said minor). It becomes legal because the minor is then no longer considered a minor under the law.

In those same states, if a 14 year old has sex with say... a 25 year old who he/she isn't married to, it's statutory rape.

Age of consent laws are kind of interesting. Most states have an age of consent of 16 (I believe that at least one is 14, but I don't feel like looking it up). In some states, reaching the age of consent means that they can have sex with anyone they choose with no crime occuring.

In others, at that age the minor can legally have sex with other minors who have reached the age of consent. However, they cannot legally have sex with someone 18 years or older.

Of course, still other states do sort of a window thing that compares the ages of the couple. For example, the age of consent in Florida is 16. However, a 16 year old can have sex with someone as old as 23 without a crime occurring.

These laws sometimes do some funny things when a minor under the age of consent has sex with another minor under the age of consent. As minors under that age aren't legally capable of consenting to sexual activity, depending on the wording of the relevant laws, the couple might actually be raping each other and they can both be prosecuted. That's the case in Florida when two 13 year olds have sex with each other (Florida in effect has multiple ages of consent... we takes minors fornicatin' seriously!). How's that grab ya?

Ah! I'm a Sailor! I work in Weather! Not Law! Help!

Now, onto other subjects:
When to ask the recipient of your affections out after they break up with another.
"When they get over it" isn't an applicable answer, eh?
How about, when its not on anyone's mind? Slide the request in there.
"Hey, you hear about that movie, (Name of movie, I'm not exactly IN CONOUS, so put something here)?"
"Yeah, it sounds good."
"Wanna see it with me?"

I've used that before. It worked.
Your milage may vary.

[The Rose Dragon]

"Hey, you hear about that movie, (Name of movie, I'm not exactly IN CONOUS, so put something here)?"
"Yeah, it sounds good."
"Wanna see it with me?"

I've used that before. It worked.
Your milage may vary.

Yeah, about that... we're already going to the movies (it's two-for-one night, her idea). The question is, how do I make sure it's a date and not two friends hanging out?

[Pyrian]

Kiss her. :smallcool:

[The Rose Dragon]

Yeah, umm... how about no? Any safer methods are welcome, though.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Yeah, about that... we're already going to the movies (it's two-for-one night, her idea). The question is, how do I make sure it's a date and not two friends hanging out?

Kissing her isn't such a bad idea if she seems receptive. :smallamused:

Onto a more serious method.
Pay. And then pay for dinner/geedunk after/during the show. Assuming you have the dinero, of course, if your funds are anything like mine when I was growing up (Heh - "when" that was, like - two years ago), then don't bother paying (You don't have any cash, anyway.)
Depending on how close you are to your friends - hugging her goodnight might be acceptable. I gave the majority of my friends a hug pretty much every morning in my second high school, and wasn't shy about handing out hugs at my first, either.

If your friends are open to 'im, then a hug may just be friendly, if not so open, then its definatly a hint. :smallwink:

Don't be afraid to break out the cheesey, though. Most first dates have follow-ups (or PLANNED follow-ups if you're thanatos). Ask her out after the movie. Seriously.
"Have a good night. We should go out again some time."
If the night turns horrible, however, thats not exactly a recomended choice of words.


Finally, as a disclaimer:
I have never held a short-distance boyfriend/girlfriend relationship together for over a month (Granted, high-schooler females are fickle), the only long term relationship (on the order of years) was equally long distance.
Take my adivce not with a grain, but a shaker of salt.
Pepper costs extra.

[The Rose Dragon]

If your friends are open to 'im, then a hug may just be friendly, if not so open, then its definatly a hint. :smallwink:

It wouldn't be a hint. I'm the local hugging fiend. I hug pretty much everyone I see (even if I don't know them. :smalltongue: :smallbiggrin:).

[Ascension]

As for my relationship woe, nothing to do about it. I'm in Finland, she's in Australia, nothing for it but to wait another five months or so. I've already lasted since early August. I'll keep an update, eh?

Finland to Australia? I think that's officially the longest-distance relationship I've ever heard of. And to think I had a girl tell me she couldn't consider us a couple because I'm going to college in Ohio (from Georgia). Your willingness to tolerate such a separation is quite admirable. I wish you the best.

[Syka]

On Distance: It sucks, but it's worth it. :) I get to move back home in a bout 10 months and finally be with my boyfriend (I know, it's only three hours away, but I'm finding it's actually harder than the NJ-FL relationship I had).

On Age: I have a 21 yo friend dating and 17 (almost 18) yo, a 20 yo friend dating a 15 yo (we're all uncomfortable with that), and our other friend is 25 and her fiancee is 20.

I'm not stranger to age gaps. :) The only one we don't like is the 20 yo because we're not sure whether or not they're having sex, and we're pissed he's putting himself in a situation to get in a LOT of trouble potentially. But, if she turns 16 soon and that 16-23 thing is true for Florida, we might not have as much to worry about. Our other friend is waiting until his girlfriend is ready, however long that might be (like my boyfriend is for me, except I'm totally legal). And the engaged couple gets along great.

Honestly, it depends on the maturity of the two people involved, not their chronological age (unless we're including, like, 12 yo's in this).

On Asking Out After a Break Up: Whenever, as others have said after they stop talking about it is good. I had a guy ask me out...I think 5 days after my boyfriend broke up with me (he knew 'cause he'd been online when I got broken up with, but that was the last he heard of it that night). It wasn't really qualified as a 'date' (he wouldn't say it was, even though I asked if it was just friends or something else, he said 'it's just coffee'), but he wouldn't let me pay for anything and he asked me to the movies afterward and asked for a hug. We casually dated for about 8 months. It wasn't my best decision ever, but it had nothing to do with when he asked me out (it had a lot more to do with his lack of willingness to commit and attempts to cajole me into sleeping with him). That said, I don't regret it. I learned a lot that helps me in my current relationship.

Maybe try paying for the movie, and at the end ask if you can give her a kiss, even if it's just a peck on the cheek?

Cheers,
Syka

[BlackStaticWolf]

Ah! I'm a Sailor! I work in Weather! Not Law! Help!

You brought it on yourself. I can't resist babbling about law when the opportunity presents itself. :smallbiggrin:


Yeah, about that... we're already going to the movies (it's two-for-one night, her idea). The question is, how do I make sure it's a date and not two friends hanging out?

I've always been a fan of the pseudo-direct approach. Ask her if she wants it to be a date. Since it was her idea, you can pass it off as a misunderstanding of her intentions should she say no. If she says yes, you can just echo the desire... and lo, it's a date.


On Age: I have a 21 yo friend dating and 17 (almost 18) yo, a 20 yo friend dating a 15 yo (we're all uncomfortable with that), and our other friend is 25 and her fiancee is 20.

I'm not stranger to age gaps. :) The only one we don't like is the 20 yo because we're not sure whether or not they're having sex, and we're pissed he's putting himself in a situation to get in a LOT of trouble potentially. But, if she turns 16 soon and that 16-23 thing is true for Florida, we might not have as much to worry about. Our other friend is waiting until his girlfriend is ready, however long that might be (like my boyfriend is for me, except I'm totally legal). And the engaged couple gets along great.

As long as both the 15 year old and the 20 year old continue to maintain that they do not and have not had any sexual contact... he should be fine. In a situation like that, there really is a lovely little sword of Damocles hanging over the older party's head.

[Serpentine]

Yeah, about that... we're already going to the movies (it's two-for-one night, her idea). The question is, how do I make sure it's a date and not two friends hanging out?The easy way: "So, is this a date-date, or a friends-date?"
The fun way: You don't have to buy her everything (I don't even get why everyone's giving that advice :smallconfused:), but maybe offer to get her something like a bag of chocolates or an icecream. Then, in the dark, let the "accidental" hand and foot touchings commence! If she moves away once, that's okay, try again in a bit (she could just think you bumped her). If she moves away twice, it could be that she's not interested. Keep your hand/foot nearby, though, in case she decides to have a go.

[SoD]

Finland to Australia? I think that's officially the longest-distance relationship I've ever heard of. And to think I had a girl tell me she couldn't consider us a couple because I'm going to college in Ohio (from Georgia). Your willingness to tolerate such a separation is quite admirable. I wish you the best.

Ah, it's not really a relationship. At least not yet. About a week before leaving, I found out that she shared my feelings. We agreed, however, that actually starting a relationship (or anything else) wouldn't really be fair on either of us, (being together for one week before about 10 months away) however I am going to raise the topic upon returning. But yeah, at the moment it's 9 hours diference, not sure how many time zones, and it took me 36 hours to travel here. I tried a phone call on V day, but that didn't work...it connected, and I spent 10 minutes being unable to hear her, and unsure if she could here me. So it's not really a long-distance relationship, if anything, it's a long-distance wait & hope.

[hyperfreak497]

Hm. I'm not sure where this goes. It has relationship, depression, and LGBT elements to it. Hm. I'll plop it here. I can always cross-post it later, anyway.

Okay, so I like(d?) this girl (Megan), which wasn't a big deal (I've had crushes on maybe nine girls over the past three months, some of them simultaneously), but she was weird about us being friends. We were friendly to each other and everything, but I do stupid things (ADHD, Bipolar disorder, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder helps with that), which resulted in quite a bit of mocking from her. I mean quite a bit. This kind of really irritated me, which is somewhat irrational, because she has no idea about my mental issues (only two people in my school do). So, for a little while, I just kind of didn't talk to her.

Megan noticed this, and started calling me out on it. This prompted me to start talking to her again, and I started to like her more. I'm fairly certain she knew, although she gave no indication of it. Then, I didn't see her for a week (February vacation).

After school today (the first day back from vacation), I found out that she got a boyfriend named Jake, who goes to the same school as my brother and sister (it's a vocational high school). As soon as I found out he attended that educational facility, I ran over and asked him if he knew my brother (Tony, who is bisexual).

He responded with, "Oh, Tony, he's the queer cheerleader, right?" That was bad enough by itself, but I was willing to let it slide for Megan's sake. I mumbled an affirmative response, which was met by him saying, "Damn, we make fun of that f** all the time. Wow, you look nothing like him. Lucky for you, I guess."

Now that pissed me off, to the point where I simply had no idea what to say. Looking back, I really should've decked him (football buddies were watching from the weight room and they've told me before that if anyone "starts s***" with me they'll take them down). Megan is quite against this kind of thing, so I was pretty sure she would call him out on it.

She laughed. She just...laughed. I still can't believe it. She knows that it means a lot to me to support my brother, and she just let this jerk say that crap about him.

So, playground, I ask you, what shall I do? Specifically, what should I say to Megan? I lost a lot of respect for her for one laugh, but should I just let it go? What should I do if I see her boyfriend again?

[SadisticFishing]

Disclaimer: Holy mother of crap this is longer than I expected. Only read if you have some time, and I'm not even sure I'm looking for advice, just a place to rant.

Hrm, this has been going on for a long time, but I figure saying something to someone isn't actually a bad idea.


Well, there's this girl. She shall henceforce me known as "she" or "her". Then there's me, who I'll call "me" or "I", and possibly refer to by using the word "mine".

Alrighty. Two years ago, me and a friend (who happened to be female, we will call her "K") stopped talking. I was madly in "love" with her, bla, bla. The loss devastated me, even though she was just a friend. Shortly afterwards, I re-met my friend's ex. The friend, as they broke up, realized she and I would make a very good couple. I didn't believe him, but then we started talking, and we (quite clearly) both realized there was incredible chemistry there. This was only the second time that had ever happened to me (still is only the second), and I was quite pleasantly surprised. I had lent her a novel, and to get it back, I asked to go to a movie with her - just as friends. Nothing more complicated, I've never actually been on a "date". While there, two things became abundantly clear to me - I liked this girl. And I could do nothing about it as long as K still meant as much to me as she did. Even though chances were abysmal, had K said something like "I'm sorry, we should be friends again, and stay on the road towards a relationship like before", I would have dropped the new girl on her ass so fast it would have been ridiculous. That is NO way to start a relationship, so I said nothing to her. One thing to keep in mind is that the two of us are both good people readers (ranks in Sense Motive :P), and we both knew that the other knew that we liked each other. Maybe I should have said something then.

Several months later, we'd been talking on and off but never enough to be very good friends, though when we did talk it was deep and meaningful (there was one party where we had what I've started calling an "Emotional one-night stand." Not a real one-night stand, but just one where two people share almost everything with each other - actually, a very good feeling. As an aside, at this point, she and my cousin (who is a good friend of mine) were best friends, and so I saw her once in a while with him, and we always still had that chemistry. Fast forward a few months again. It's my 18th birthday, and being the youngest of my friends, a whole bunch of us go out to a pub (I'm Canadian, so I can drink legally at 18). A few drinks later, someone laughingly asked her if she'd fool around with me, and I laughed it off for a few seconds before realizing that by the look on her face, I'd just missed something semi-important. So I asked her again, in a more... well, not as callous a way, and she said something along the lines of "Yes. But you're too late, me and a co-worker started dating two weeks ago." While not really devastating, that was a bad day for me, other than the fact that... Well, that was the first "yes" I'd ever gotten.

Fast forward again a few months, after seeing each other every week for a few drinks with 2-3 friends, our talking slows down. I was frustrated with myself for failing to say anything, even though I was never sure I was over K until that night. Next thing that happens: she's started dating another co-worker, someone she called "break buddy" up until that point. Confused, I tried to follow what had happened - she had actually started fooling around with him before breaking up with the first guy, and that's why they broke up. Well, this new guy, being (kind of) her boss, was much less intimidating than the first guy - being in the room with the two of them was like being in a room with a brother and sister (I should let it be known that I never actually met the first guy, so it's entirely possible, even likely, that they didn't have the chemistry either). There were no sparks in the air, nothing at all that made me worry that they'd be together forever and ever. I'd just have to wait my turn (sounds funny to put it so callously), and everything would be okay. I don't belive in fate, but she and I worked so well together that there was no way it wouldn't happen eventually, and everyone knew it (including her, we had some funny conversations).

My mistake was believing that she had it in her to break up with someone. He hurt her several times (NEVER physically, I'd have... well, machoism seems silly on the internet, but he'd have regretted it), and she never brought herself to break up with her. Note: this wasn't all relationship-breaking stuff, I'm fairly sure he never cheated on her (though if he had, she probably wouldn't have told me unless she was breaking up with him, I'm not a violent or angry person normally but... there are limits, and I'm actually rather adept with several martial arts [and by several, I mean two, and by rather, I mean... well, I can beat up your average Joe no problem, which is either more and less impressive than it sounds]).

Alright, now to the next phase - becoming her friend again after not really talking for a while. Early last summer, me and a friend had a weird falling out (I have no idea what happened, really, but we stopped talking). As a person, I tend to have two best friends - there's the one that's been around for like... 8 years, and the other is always female. So, time to replace the last one - and where else to go, than someone I already know quite well? I call her up, and we did a lot this summer. We did something at least once a week, usually twice, and there was some light flirting... But her boyfriend was there, an invisible force holding us apart. We somehow mutually decided that we weren't allowed to hug each other anymore, without actually verbalising it - one of the sweetest things she's said to me is "I'm glad you haven't tried to get me to drink anything with you, I don't trust myself with you drunk." I decided that I was strongly morally opposed to breaking up her relationship (which, honestly, I had several opportunities to do - on top of the old regular methods that every guy seems to know innately, and it would have been made far easier by the fact that her feelings for me were almost as strong as mine for her). We became "best friends", without saying anything (yay nonverbal communication) about it. We came to miss each other if we hadn't seen each other in more than a week, and she quite clearly came close to breaking up with her boyfriend... Then decided she never wanted to break up with a guy for another guy again. She told me that, and that was the main reason that she chose him over me, and that was an unpleasant thing to hear. Because of my being careful not to date her if I wasn't fully able to like her more than any other guy, I lost her.

Bla bla. Half a year has passed since then, and we've become incredible friends, we care about each other immensely, and both of our families have met the other and liked us a lot. Neither of her parents really like the guy, and my dad, who's met him, strongly disliked him - even before learning they were dating. To me, he seemed like an okay guy, funny and mildly intelligent... But I don't think I'd trust him as far I can throw him (and though I do martial arts, my Ogoshi is rather poor [Ogoshi is the hip toss]).

More fastforwarding! To today, actually. Well... This week. Err, one thing first... I'd been acting very stoically, only actually telling her how much I cared EXTREMELY rarely (once, ever, at that point, and when I did she clearly said she felt the same way but has decided to repress it), because I didn't want to make her feel guilty. Then, she invited me to go to Florida with her family. Weird, a whole week and a half together, her in a bikini, and me showing off my washboard abs? Sounds like it could get awkward. For both of us. But, hey, I really like her, and her family, and I know I can control my feelings well enough that not going would be a mistake. So I said yes, but decided I had to talk to her more thoroughly about my "feelings". Then disaster hit - oddly enough, financial disaster. I lost basically everything I had, because I'd let my dad invest it when I was 16, and his company went bankrupt - since it was under his name, BAM! Nothing left. Now, at 18, you're not supposed to lose this amount of money - it was enough, that, if properly invested, it would guarantee my comfortable retirement at the age of 60. So on the day I was going to talk to her more thoroughly about my feelings, I realized that I went from being in a decent situation (I've messed up a lot of things, I'm quite intelligent but am taking a not-at-all well deserved from school... I'm lazy, possibly with ADD, but don't want to take the test because I refuse to take medication - ADD, for me, isn't a mental disorder, it's a personality trait) from being worth nothing. I thought I had hit rock bottom, but as it turns out, I wasn't even close. I mean, I didn't actually get that emotional, for several reasons - but the conversation we had changed topics even faster than ours normally do, and I kept coming back to it... I was worth nothing. Why would she want me?

Um, back to this week. On Tuesday, I went to see her business once again. She does some sort of insurance selling refinancing thing, which works remarkably like a pyramid scheme but is very legal (we did our research). The idea seemed rather solid, actually, I still need to work out if the math they show is accurate - if it is, the place makes you good money. But who knows if you can trust that. Um, sorry 'bout the segway - I like segways, actually they're... *cough cough*.

On Saturday, I actually hung out with her and he all day, playing boardgames - he quite clearly is almost as unthreatened by me as I am by him. All this time, still no chemistry - though she claims to be hiding it because she doesn't want me uncomfortable, I've seen them on the phone and all that. I don't see any "love" there, even when she says it. There's a specific way to say "I love you", and... Anyways, you get the gist, that's another conversation all together.

Sunday (yesterday), my brother was having a random LazerQuest party (don't know how common LazerQuest is, think paintball with lazers instead of paint. Pew pew!) I was driving him, so I invited her, as I always do, and she came. Great time, but that's mostly meaningless. Actually, the entirety of yesterday is meaningless to this post except as a mood setter for what happened today. After bringing her and my brother and his friends home, we ordered pizza, played a few minutes of Guitar Hero (I'd never played before... it's not a video game, grumble grumble... but it IS fun). Then we thought of something that I'm not sure everyone would enjoy - my mom had just gotten a ping pong table for her birthday, and it was in the basement. Everyone loves ping pong! But how many people like building the ping pong table? Two-ish hours later, we had a working, pretty ping pong table, and honestly, it was the most fun I'd ever had building anything, and though I'm no handyman, I do like building stuff. She actually saw me frustrated for the first time, and there was much rejoicing - I really don't get angry, I was just laughing at how stupidly I was building it. Then I worked out how to do it better, bla bla. Then we watched a movie with my parents (Elizabeth: The Golden Age), and a good time was had by all. I dropped her off at home after a few more questions about her business.

Then, today. Last night I had a weird dream, where she married someone whilst dating someone else, neither of which were me, and though this makes little sense, I woke up feeling devastated. After about 10 minutes of being awake, I thought of a question I had to ask her about business, and called her, telling her about the dream. Nothing important happened in that phone call, really, except lots of laughter (all of our conversations have lots of laughter in them, actually). Then, within an hour, I felt... Um, wrong. So much bottled up emotion in me that I actually couldn't sit down, so I called her again. This talk was for more real, with a decent chunk of emotion sharing. I pointed out that they didn't seem to have chemistry, which she said she was just hiding, but she sounded... Put off, almost, though I think this bit's my imagination, it's entirely plausible that there isn't any (chemistry) at all. Then I apologized for being a tad resentful when we were all hanging out, but really, it turns out I wasn't bad at all, I was just a little bit meaner than normal, and I'm at least a bit witty, so he thought I was just mocking jokingly (she knew better). As it turns out, he was all for me going to Florida with them... Seemed weird to me. Guess I'm not threatening when me and Steph are holding in what makes us.. us. Wow, that last bit was cheesy, but if you'd ever met us, you'd understand. We just... click. Then that phone call ended, with me feeling way better about myself except one tiny thing - she said that she had no idea "what kind of catastrophe it'd take to break us up". She'd already been through a lot of the hard stuff, and didn't do anything. Part of the reason I felt good, though, was that I mentioned that I kind of considered us best friends, and she quite clearly said the same. Woopie. Wow this is hard to write, I just realized that I forgot something important - a while ago this exchange took place:

"I like you... like... a lot.. enough that, um.."
"It sucks that I'm with someone else?"
"Yeah, basically."

So during this phonecall, I finally, after like 5 months, said that that wasn't even the half of it, I like her enough that I'm willing to wait. She knew what I meant, and seemed a bit distressed, which kind of sucks, but I'm bored of being stoic.

Alright, well, after hanging up... I realized what kind of catastrophe it took, on top of thinking of what I think is a decent question - if it was backwards, and I was the boyfriend... Would she be HIS best friend? After a while, I decided that this was her, and that she could take me being a bit annoying (she had actually said at the end of the last convo that she expected me to call back. Damn, she's one of the 2-3 people ever to be able to predict what I do.) So I called her, and asked that question, telling her I didn't want an answer, but that she should think about it. Then I mentioned that I did, in fact, know what kind of catastophe it took to ruin her relationships, and she got it, after a second or two, and said she never wanted to do that again, and that another guy is a horrible reason to break up with someone. It's selfish and guilt-inducing. Personally, I'd agreed until that girl that I mentioned (the second one, during the summer, not K) started talking to me again and I explained this situation and she actually convinced me that you should never settle for less than the person who's best for you, and that I should go for it - do something romantic. I didn't heed her advice because it still felt wrong, but recently I've realized that she was right. Anyways, after that, there were some jokes about the movie and other such things. Hilarity ensued. She then had to have a shower and leave, so that ends that conversation.

Then I realized something that I consider rather major: Breaking up with someone for someone else is no more selfish than leaving that second guy alone, being his best friend while he's stuck with no one. Me, being who am I, sent that in a text (she was in the shower) to her, though making it clear that it was more for the rhetoric's sake than for our situation, which is actually true and believable - I like moral philosophy, and she knows it.

Phew! Wow that's longer than I thought it'd be, I'm gonna go put a disclaimer at the top.

Well. That's the situation as is. Still not sure if I'm looking for advice or just a place to let this out.

Thanks for reading, you crazy, crazy person with too much time on your hands!

[Serpentine]

Ouch, Hyper. I've never come across that sort of blatant homophobia before... The only thing I can really suggest is telling your friend how you feel/felt, and if he does the same thing again simply get up and leave, and don't look back - maybe tell your friend you'll call her later, if you want. The guy might not care, but if your friend cares about you at all she should feel at least a bit bad about it.

Sadistic: There's one really important question you need to ask her/think about yourself: "Does she want to be with him?" I agree that dumping someone for someone else is a really bad way to end a relationship - and to start one. If she doesn't want to be with him, though, then that's plenty good enough a reason. If she does want to be with him, well, that's too bad for you. Her decision to or to not break up with this guy should have nothing to do with you, as should your discussions of the matter. However, if she simply doesn't want to be with him, she needs to know that that's a perfectly good reason to end it, that there's no reason to feel guilty about it. She just needs to separate "don't want to be with him" from "want to be with you".
Oh, and as for "I was worth nothing. Why would she want me?", when I was 18, I had... books. Lots of books. Oh, and a crappy computer. That's about it. My boyfriend had even less. Having nothing at that age isn't really a big deal, or even unexpected. It's a damn shame that you lost so much money - I know I'd be pissed if I lost my inheritance from my Gramma, and that's only $1000 - but it's certainly no reason not to be with someone. Frankly, it's a piss-poor excuse.

[SadisticFishing]

Alrighty, let's try this once again - I think she's making the wrong call, and I think she won't be happy, and it's been like.. 2 years since I've started thinking this, and it's annoying. Hence, the not doing anything about it for real, actually trying to break them up would be a horribly immoral thing to do. Talking to her about it seems okay to me though, and I'm not going to start.. like, trying to make him jealous to break them up. That'd be bad.

Oh, and on the not being worth anything - the real reason she moved from to this guy from the other is that he has ambition. You can tell by the way she talks about him that one of the things she likes most (and by "one of" I mean "the thing she likes most other than the fact that they're both part of a cult/pyramid scheme/business together and get to make money off working together") is that he has an apartment and a car. This makes me unhappy. Bad reason for a relationship, bad reason for it to stay together.

It's just a whole mangle of bad timings that have been shoved together to make things more stupid than they should be.

I probably should have explained more of the business thing than I have, but it's one of those pay-us-to-sell-to-your-friends thing, and it has been called a cult. They use some of the normal brainwashing techniques (I know all of them, so I'm mostly immune, woopie). I'm not the only one who thinks she's been partly brainwashed, I think her dad sees it most.

You're not supposed to date your cult-leader/cultists, it's a recipe for awkwardness.

Grumble grumble, boo hiss.

[Ascension]

Argh. I've done it again. I always seem to end up being the guy that the girl I have a crush on comes to for advice, and it always ends up being terribly awkward for me. Especially when she's asking for relationship advice. For one thing, all I really want to say is, "Dump him, I'm better for you," but obviously, I can't, even if I think it's true. Well, in the past I have twice advised other girls to dump their boyfriends, but one of those cases was abusive and I always left out the latter part. For two things, I'm the last person on Earth who should be giving relationship advice. I have no clue why these girls ask me that sort of question. Maybe they hope I have some insight into the male psyche that they don't or something. I don't.

Anyway, apparently what I consider flirtation is so subtle that no one else can pick it up. See, I would have thought that it was as clear as the nose on my face that I liked this girl (same one whose boyfriend I met last Friday). She is apparently completely oblivious to my feelings, even after I (at least I thought I did) broadly hinted at it in the hopes of derailing the conversation before she started asking me for advice about dealing with her current boyfriend.

I know from experience that no good can come of this, at least until I completely get over it. Once a girl has started to think of me as an advice-giver, it's a clear sign I've passed from the potentially dateable category to the good-but-platonic friend category. Obviously, this is rather disappointing at the moment (Even with the boyfriend, I thought I might have a chance long-term. Now I know I don't.).

I guess there's no real plea for advice here. I know the only thing to do is move on. I just feel like complaining about having to do it again.

I'm really starting to wonder if my definition of flirtation is far too subtle. I've thought in the past that girls were "flirting" with me only to later find out that they pretty much react to everyone and everything in the same manner. Only three girls that I know of have ever recognized any of my conscious attempts at flirtation as such, and one of them only did so after I got desperate and crossed my usual line into what I thought was almost bluntness.

Hmm... Could I ask what you consider flirting, or would that be different enough to warrant a separate thread?

[Syka]

I need to add a rule #4.

Rule #4 of Relationships: Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

Cheers,
Syka

[Vampiric]

Haha... Yeah, Syka nailed that one on the head, Ascension.

SadisticFishing, I'd go with what Serp said, even with your clarification. Try not to think on it too much, or jealousy (and thereby bitterness) enters into the relationship - I know this from personal experience. Try not to bring it up too often.

I'm afraid that's all the advice I have at the moment... maybe more at a later date.

As an aside, would you care to debate philosophy (moral or otherwise) in IM sometime? arguing philosophy is my hobby :smallbiggrin:

Also, a sort-of-woe - I know I'd like to have a gf, I know someone that I'd like to go out with (or at least ask), but my head feels so twisted right now, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't last long... any tips on getting myself 'right' again? I'm not sure if it's emotional stress or what...

[SadisticFishing]

I actually strongly disagree with it not being my place to do anything. This isn't just some girl, this is my best friend (well, one of two, the other I'm less close to, but I can call over to watch a movie at basically any time, and if either of us ever needed something the other'd be there quickfast). I feel a bit protective of her, for several reasons, and on top of actually really liking her in the... like-ing sort of way, I also don't want to see her hurt, or wasting more time than she has with someone who has so little in common with her. He's done several things that would and/or should have ended any relationship. There's also things that aren't as big but are still there - for example, or loves animals, the other... Not so much. Highly insensitive, he's mean to just about everyone, and the reason my father doesn't like is that he seems highly dishonest, and attempted to rip my dad off, in a very subtle way (tried to sell him more than he asked for without mentioning it.. hard to explain, kinda). This whole relationship doesn't sit well with anyone, and one major that reason my cousin only "used to" be her best friend is that he also very strongly disliked this guy, as did almost all her other friends.

The problem, for me, isn't that she wants to be with him, it's that she doesn't want to break up. Which is a horrible problem, in my opinion, as she (again, she actually told me this - we're quite close :P) doesn't feel like she has a good enough reason to break up, even though she's wanted to several times.

This is all very icky, and I don't see it ending happily in any way, for anyone. Yuck. Oh, except him if she sticks with him.

[EvilElitest]

out of curiosity Is this just relationships in general of just ones on the thread

from
EE

[SadisticFishing]

Also, a sort-of-woe - I know I'd like to have a gf, I know someone that I'd like to go out with (or at least ask), but my head feels so twisted right now, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't last long... any tips on getting myself 'right' again? I'm not sure if it's emotional stress or what...

Okay, now I'm not a normal advice giver here, but it depends on a lot of things - my head is twisted at the moment because of.. school, work, being completely aimless in life, and not knowing what to do about that girl.

Why is your head twisted? You don't need to answer. But you should find one yourself. Maybe having a girlfriend would help, as I think it would for me (I hate my family and need to care about someone else [hate is FAR too strong a word]), but it could just make things more confusing. In my opinion, talk to her! Honesty is the best policy, for lots of reasons. As Kant says, if we lie, the truth becomes meaningless (not an exact quote). Also, keeping track of lies is very difficult, which I learned the hard way.

Err. Back to you... Your "emotional stress" could be a lot of things, but talk to someone you know that cares about you to get some input. It could be anything from being overworked at school to being a psychotic getting weird urges to kill, from where I'm sitting, so... None of my advice can be 100%.

I'm sticking with... Try to work things out, then talk to her. The worst case scenario? You get hit by a car and die. Second worst is that it doesn't work out, and you learn some valuable life lessons about... stuff.

[Serpentine]

The thing is, Sadistic, it isn't your place. As her friend, you can advise her, warn her, defend her honour and if it comes down to it, help her when it all goes to pot. However, this is her relationship. It's up to her what she does with it, and you have nothing to do with the whole thing. I do think you should tell her that if she doesn't want to be with him, then that is an ample reason to break it off. In fact, I don't think there's many better. If, however, she does want to be with him, then all you can do is tell her that you think it's a bad idea - don't nag - and be there for her when/if it goes bad.

Elitist: huh?

[SadisticFishing]

Alrighty, so you agree with me. I haven't been nagging - just once every month or two I get an overwhelming feeling of.. well, "like" for her, and I need to get it out of my system. I used to hold it in, but I think I'm gonna stop that, it's unhealthy. Other than that, I'm doing basically what you're saying. I'm even trying to get along with the SOB (teehee).

[Ascension]

I think EE saw the crush thread (which is forum based) and assumed the relationships thread was too. Or something like that. I'm not really sure myself.

It doesn't have anything to do with fuzzy bunnies, though. Man. I need sleep. Goodnight everybody.

[Thanatos 51-50]

So, I have a woe, and I'm posting it here. The names of all parties have been changed to protect the guilty.

Spoiler'd for Slef Absorbed Rant Content.
Opening this spoiler is not for everyone, If you hjave any doubts, do not open this spoiler. This spoiler is not approved by the FDA and may cause negetive emotions, or cause you to read negetive emotions.
Excercise caution before opening this spoiler.
Consult your phsychologist before consulting the devil on your shoulder about whther or not you care enough to open this spoiler. Possible side-effects include apathy, hatred, distaste, a loss of applicable advice, and sticking thanatos5150 on your "ignore this emo crybaby" list.
I'm very good friends with a woman named Denise. After we had already been friends for quite a while, I relised I had feelings for her, and would like to start dating her. So, commence the standard issue Dan-patented (Dan is my pseudonym in this case, if you're wondering) subtle courting.
Said subtle courting slips very neatly under the radar for a while (as it usually does, its probably not the best courting strategies, but its the reflexive one), until, eventually, she finds out (basically by me dropping nthe subtlety one night and telling her how I felt).
By this time, we were extremely good friends (people assumed we were dating), and so I got a rather standard issue brush off ("I don't want to ruin our friendship" - seriously, what kind of utter drivel is that?)
Anyway, our relationship continues for quite a while, with me flirting quite openly,and her usually returning the flirt, but turning it away before flirting went too far.
Now - I'm a rather touchey-feeley person (I'm a hugger) and rather enjoy just holdign a person and talking, or even plain holding a person with no talking involved (Will those who see "holding" as a euphamisim for "sex" please leave the room?). Shes natsamuch, something in her history causes her to instinctivly shy away from touching (I know what it is. You don't. Deal.)
Anyway, we continue thi odd relation ship for months. Recently, we have both come to the understanding that I need to stop crushing on her like a schoolboy and start srushing on other people. (By the way, her reason for not dating me has changed from "we're friends" to "we work together", and even when I transfer in a couple months to a different command, we'll still be working in the same building so, no. Sorry.) And, me still being a touchey hopeless romantic continues holding her and shooting the breeze adn the flirting. And then last night, during her usualy "Flirting is going too far" rebuff, I withdrew, like usual and proceeded to lay on the deck (to prevent myself from hugging her again - really, its a wierd concept, butDan ain't exactly the sanest guy around) The conversation quickly truns into me laying there and listening to her talk, and then, eventually, she got "tired" and shooed me out so she could get some sleep. After a long, quiet, goodbye, I proceeded to return to my own quarters and quite loudly verballay harass myself until I fell asleep. Somewhere during the time I slept until the time I woke up (about 2300 that night. I came to adopt a little strategy of social isolationisim. If I stay away from EVERYBODY, including and especially Denise (who forms about 33.3% of all my friends in this country, if not more), I can pull my idiot brain out of the crush, and then , well.
I don't know.
/selfabosrbedrant

[The Rose Dragon]

Oh well. It's not a date after all. What's more, it's not going to happen.

Just one more notch on my Belt of Reasons to Get Depressed.

[EvilElitest]

I think EE saw the crush thread (which is forum based) and assumed the relationships thread was too. Or something like that. I'm not really sure myself.

It doesn't have anything to do with fuzzy bunnies, though. Man. I need sleep. Goodnight everybody.

now i'm confused, there are two threads now (well five) ?
from
EE

[Vampiric]

now i'm confused, there are two threads now (well five) ?
from
EE

This thread deals with relationship (romantic or platonic) woes on or off the boards. Mainly off, but we have had a couple of people post about some other forumites.

I'm pretty sure the crushes thread is quite different (I haven't actually visited it yet...)

[EvilElitest]

This thread deals with relationship (romantic or platonic) woes on or off the boards. Mainly off, but we have had a couple of people post about some other forumites.

I'm pretty sure the crushes thread is quite different (I haven't actually visited it yet...)

ok, just generally curious . Cheer
from
EE

[Felixaar]

Yay! New thread! *perfroms the new thread dance*

[Aramil Liadon]

I have a relationship woe! I shall christen this thread with my fortellings of doom!
First, note that I will use some aliases. I, Alex, am a grade 11 (Highschool, of course) nerd, with no experience whatsoever in talking to other people. I have complex, stalker-like feelings for a certain girl and have recently met a new, nerdy girl who seems very friendly. In other words, I'm romantically entangled. I can handle that.
Problem starts at lunch today when 4 grade 10 girls (only 2 of which I could put a name to) came up to me and said something along the lines of "Hey, remember Jill? She's had a crush on you since about grade 2. Would you go on a date with her?" I tried to say 'Well, I'm hardly the same person I was in grade 2...' or 'I'm not exactly available at the moment', but they persisted. They decided that they just need to make Jill a bit more sexy, and it'll be fine.
I'm not so fine with this. Jill's a nice girl, but I'm taken at the moment (at least in my mind). And I'm almost, but not quite, creeped out by this long-term hidden crush thing which I thought died out when I changed schools.

One thought which has occurred to me is that it's a trick by these friends of Jill's to make her, me, or both feel embarrassed. Then again, maybe it isn't. I'm not good at these kinds of things, by any stretch of the imagination, so I need your help.

[Brickwall]

1. Talk to Jill. Not necessarily about any crushings or lack thereof, but talk to her. You are, theoretically maybe, someone somewhat important to her. I don't mean you should lead her on, and if she seems like she wants to start dating you and you haven't found you like her (since I presume you rarely talk to her), you should cut it off there.
2. Find out if your unnamed crush is dating someone or not. In my experience, cute geeky girls are generally taken or not interested in dating at the time. You should find these things out before thinking you're "taken".
3. Try to become her friend. Sit next to her or at least near her when you can. No matter how step 2 went, this will gain you a geek friend. Geek friends rule.
4. Get some advice on where to proceed from here in actually getting crush-girl to date you. I'm absolutely clueless about wooing hot geeky girls.

[Syka]

*raises hand, jumping up and down* Me me me! Oh me! I'm a cute geeky girl, or at least I'm told so (and they even occasionally throw in a hot!).

First, we cute geeky girls aren't always taken...er...maybe I'm not the BEST example of this *coughs* But I know there are plenty of geek girls out there WISHING a geeky guy would come along to sweep her off her feet. That was me, like, all of high school until my ex.

Tips on wooing a geeky girl: my boyfriend and I bonded over a shared love of Sci-fi shows and moves, particularly Star Wars, Firefly, and Farscape.

Him: Have you ever heard of Farscape?
Me: Only of course, I loved that show!

Find mutual geeky interests and proceed. He's been letting me borrow Farscape and we watch it together whenever I'm home. We also inaugurated each other into movies the other hadn't seen that we considered blasphemy (he had never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I'd never seen Indiana Jones).

What flavor of geek is she? This is crucial. I'm a table-top gaming and sci-fi/fantasy/book geek. Not so much computers and maths and such. There are different variations and when you know what you can tailor you're approach.

And Brick's advice on dealing with the maybe-crusher sounds good to me. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Logic]

So, that ex-girlfriend of mine (I don't know if I called her by name before, so I'll call her Dee for now) got back together with her previous ex (Jahn) that she origianlly broke up with because he didn't feel as into her as she felt into him. She broke up with him to date me. Well, she broke up with me because I felt more into her than she did me, and she felt like she was going to break my heart. So, now she's dating Jahn again.

On the plus side, now I have no reason not to ask out that cashier that flirts with me all the time. Unless she is underage, as I suspect.

[Zeb The Troll]

I have a relationship woe! I shall christen this thread with my fortellings of doom!
First, note that I will use some aliases. I, Alex, am a grade 11 (Highschool, of course) nerd, with no experience whatsoever in talking to other people. I have complex, stalker-like feelings for a certain girl and have recently met a new, nerdy girl who seems very friendly. In other words, I'm romantically entangled. I can handle that.
Problem starts at lunch today when 4 grade 10 girls (only 2 of which I could put a name to) came up to me and said something along the lines of "Hey, remember Jill? She's had a crush on you since about grade 2. Would you go on a date with her?" I tried to say 'Well, I'm hardly the same person I was in grade 2...' or 'I'm not exactly available at the moment', but they persisted. They decided that they just need to make Jill a bit more sexy, and it'll be fine.
I'm not so fine with this. Jill's a nice girl, but I'm taken at the moment (at least in my mind). And I'm almost, but not quite, creeped out by this long-term hidden crush thing which I thought died out when I changed schools.

One thought which has occurred to me is that it's a trick by these friends of Jill's to make her, me, or both feel embarrassed. Then again, maybe it isn't. I'm not good at these kinds of things, by any stretch of the imagination, so I need your help.Alright, first things first. You're not taken if you aren't both in the relationship. You might consider yourself not on the market, but that's a different thing. It might not sound like there's a difference, but in your head there is. "Not on the market" in your case means "I'm not willing to date anyone else in case this girl comes around and wants me." Whereas "taken" means "I don't feel I can date you because it'd be cheating on this other girl" which you're not actually dating. Get this straight in your head.

Now that you've got that squared away, I can tell you from experience (and so can many many others that post here) that waiting for this stalk-target of yours to come around is a recipe for pain and loneliness. Especially if you're not going to bother actually asking her out.

This leaves you with a couple of things that you need to do. One, as Brickwall stated, you need to find out where you stand with your targ- err, crush. Get that cleared up. It'll help you. You'll either get yourself on her radar or you'll find out she's not at all interested and you can move on. Two, get to know Jill. Regardless. Unless she's stalking you like you're stalking OtherGirl, it'll likely prove to be a positive relationship even if it doesn't become a romantic one. It'll also help you clear up whether or not someone's trying to prank you.

[Dragonrider]

Unless she's stalking you like you're stalking OtherGirl

I've been in that situation :smallamused:

'twas unpleasant.

(I was the bottom rung stalker, too, so I didn't even have any second option :smalltongue:)

[Aramil Liadon]

Nerd.Girl is currently single. In the short time I've known her (about 2 weeks), we've already gotten into the good-natured wrestling phase. I can almost guarantee, thorough her actions, that the attraction is at least somewhat mutual.
Other.Girl is the sort with a troupe of boys following her around, and a wall of girlfriends helping her fend them off. I'm working on moving on, with extremely limited success.
Jill is the real problem at the moment. Or, more likely, her friends. They have set me up for a date tomorrow in a restaurant I've never been to. I haven't even spoken to Jill since grade 2! I live 20 kilometers away, and I can't drive! I know nothing about her, at all! I'm talking about myself too enthusiastically!

One thing is for sure: If I can't back out somehow, we're both in for one extremely awkward evening.

[Brickwall]

Urgent! Urgent! Emergency!

Okay, get Jill's number. NOW! Go through your friends. They will have friends who have friends etc. Or just use your school directory. You need to talk to her about this. Awkward evening BAD! Seriously, you can just say, "I'm interested in this other girl right now, so I can't go to dinner with you." Avoid naming Nerd.Girl. That's asking for trouble.

As for Nerd.Girl, it seems you're doing fine. Now just go fetch yourself a pair of stones from the corner store and ask her on some kind of activity. The first stone is for if she bolts. The second one is for if someone sees you use the first. :smallamused:

Or I could have just meant you need to have the courage to ask her out. Pick one.

[Shishnarfne]

AL:

I'm probably not one to talk about relationships, but I think that you'll probably be better off trying to make one work with someone with whom you have something in common (Nerd.Girl) than someone whose friends claim has a long-running crush on you. If you're not sure that you have the courage for Brickwall's honesty, you can cite your lack of transportation as a reason to back out (WARNING: this only delays telling her that you're not sure that this is going to work, only attempt ONCE as a last-minute way of avoiding an awkward situation).

Actually, a more reasonable way of backing out might be to say that you're worried that, since you don't know each other very well, it might be too awkward for a date and that you would prefer a lower-pressure meeting (hopefully as a part of a group, in a public place) where you could get to know each other better before trying to see about making a date work (her friends might be willing to assist on this, as long as they have her best interests at heart).

Oh, and given my record on relationships, take my advice as equivalent to that being shouted from the stands at a sporting event. If I actually knew anything, I'd probably be using my knowledge...

[Dragonrider]

No, I think that's pretty good advice, Shish.


There's nothing more obnoxious than "well-meaning" friends. I hate matchmaking. :smallannoyed: :smalltongue:

[Syka]

Um...so her friends set you up on a date? Did you agree to said date? It's perfectly within the bounds of politeness to get in contact with her and let her know that these 'friends' did this without your knowledge and that you can't go. Let her know you think it would be an awkward evening for both of you since you haven't talked in several years, and also that you don't have transportation or know anything about the restaurant.

I would also avoid those 'friends' in the future, by the way. It's rude to set up a date without making sure the people actively involved in the date (ie, you and Jill) WANT the date. They aren't the ones who will be participating in the relationship. You are. So you have every right to decline this and not be seen as a jerk.

On Nerd Girl. Ask her out! You aren't in a relationship, and from what it seems like you'd be happier with Nerd Girl than either of the other two. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Aramil Liadon]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing now.
On the topic of well-meaning friends: Not really. If Jill enters the room, these 'friends' will all find an excuse to leave. I'm not sure what they're trying to gain from it all, besides a laugh...

Anywho, thank you all. I guess I'll keep you posted on future developments, in case anyone cares.
First update: I feel all warm and fuzzy now. I'm not used to getting help. Thankee.
How often can I say thank you in one post? Bwa ha ha! Thanks, thank you, merci beaucoup, gracias, thanks again!

[Jae]

-clears throat- so, basically,

the person who should actually like you either likes somebody entirely wrong for them (but good-looking) or likes what appears to be a better version of yourself. Period.

& it's def. lame when it's a mix of the two. :smallannoyed:

heh no advice needed because the cause is hopeless :smallbiggrin: :smalltongue:

err not really. I wouldnt actually know because I never actually asked

you get the picshur.

[Cobra_Ikari]

*nods*

More bothersome to me is when the people they fall for happens to be an abusive ****. >.<

...not that I'm speaking from far too much experience...*sighs*

[SilverSheriff]

Help me out guys: why are all the good girls taken?

[Midnight Son]

Help me out guys: why are all the good girls taken?They're not.

Better question: Why don't any of the good girls want me?

[phoenixineohp]

You're 15 years older than me, live in another country and *ahem* :smallwink:

But you are the best imaginary valentine I've ever had. :smallbiggrin:

[Serpentine]

A better better question: Why are the taken girls the only ones you think are good?
A question to answer the other better question: Have you checked my list?
(the general "you" as befitting a general question)

[SilverSheriff]

let me re-phrase my question: "Why are all the Decent looking girls taken, or don't plan on having any relationships until they get to University?"

[Serpentine]

Oh, well, in that case: Because you're in bloody highschool! No hurry for Relationships, there, but you should still try for Going Out for Experience. As for looks, well, 1. Are you really one to talk? and 2. You'd be surprised how people fill out after puberty. Obviously it doesn't really help you now, but watch how you judge.

[phoenixineohp]

That's an even worse question. Sheesh. :smallsigh:

[SilverSheriff]

Oh, well, in that case: Because you're in bloody highschool! No hurry for Relationships, there, but you should still try for Going Out for Experience. As for looks, well, 1. Are you really one to talk? and 2. You'd be surprised how people fill out after puberty. Obviously it doesn't really help you now, but watch how you judge.

Jeesh...when you put it that way it makes me sound too young to drive.

[Logic]

let me re-phrase my question: "Why are all the Decent looking girls taken, or don't plan on having any relationships until they get to University?"Just because you want a relationship right now, doesn't mean that these girls you fawn over have the same priority. I get the feeling that they want to get their life on a particular track first, then think about romantic relationships.

1. Are you really one to talk? and 2. You'd be surprised how people fill out after puberty. Obviously it doesn't really help you now, but watch how you judge.

That's an even worse question. Sheesh. :smallsigh:
I have to agree.

[Syka]

I think she meant the question about all the decent looking girls being taken, not Serp's question. And I, being a girl who feels herself to be fairly average, feel the same way. That was a shallow question and I think Serp's response is fair.

Where are you looking? What are your standards? Do you have some arbitrary "The person must look like this" to be willing to date them? Do you try to get to know them? I know for me, at least, I find someone far more attractive once I get to know them because attraction for me is based on looks, personality, and maturity. Looks might catch my eye at first, but if they don't have the personality or maturity, I'm gone. And I might not be attracted physically to someone at first sight, but other things balance out.

And all those decent looking girls might have horrid personalities. I live on Sorority Row...The girls look amazing, but most of their personalities that I know are not so. I'd date a plain girl that exudes uniqueness over one of them any day.

Cheers,
Syka

[Serpentine]

I thought he was agreeing with both of us? I don't know now.

[Midnight Son]

You're 15 years older than me, live in another country and *ahem* :smallwink:

But you are the best imaginary valentine I've ever had. :smallbiggrin:Yes. I'm quite aware of the whys and why nots where you are concerned, though that won't stop me flirting, you saucy little ocelot, you. (http://gatornet.chapin.edu/~kindergarten/o.html)http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/Flirt.gifhttp://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/HeartJump.gif


A better better question: Why are the taken girls the only ones you think are good?
A question to answer the other better question: Have you checked my list?
(the general "you" as befitting a general question)As for your list. I don't believe there's a man in the verse, can hold up to all of those, but I've read it and I would rank myself at the upper end of the spectrum.

[Logic]

I thought he was agreeing with both of us? I don't know now.

I was. You both made fairly good points.

[Jae]

why are all the good girls taken?
We aren't. We're waiting patiently for a good guy :smalltongue:


Because you're in bloody highschool! No hurry for Relationships
It's a big pet peeve of mine when people say that. It's like, a relationship has to be some huge soul-searching thing where you find the person you're going to "settle down" (ew) with and be 2gether 4eva.
What if, even later in my life, I don't plan on finding that settle down person and I don't plan on helping to overpopulate the world and I still want my life to be dedicated to helping others around the globe. Should I never date?? I think what I'm saying is if you do like somebody IN THIS MOMENT, you should go for it. Because, in this moment, it'd make you happy. Regardless of the future or experience or anything. It's a connection, and it doesn't have to be forever to be quite important.

[Jae]

why are all the good girls taken?
We aren't. We're waiting patiently for a good guy :smalltongue:


Because you're in bloody highschool! No hurry for Relationships
It's a big pet peeve of mine when people say that. It's like, a relationship has to be some huge soul-searching thing where you find the person you're going to "settle down" (ew) with and be 2gether 4eva.
What if, even later in my life, I don't plan on finding that settle down person and I don't plan on helping to overpopulate the world and I still want my life to be dedicated to helping others around the globe. Should I never date?? I think what I'm saying is if you do like somebody IN THIS MOMENT, you should go for it. Because, in this moment, it'd make you happy. Regardless of the future or experience or anything. It's a connection, and it doesn't have to be forever to be quite important.

[phoenixineohp]

Yes. I'm quite aware of the whys and why nots where you are concerned, though that won't stop me flirting, you saucy little ocelot, you. (http://gatornet.chapin.edu/~kindergarten/o.html)http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/Flirt.gifhttp://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/HeartJump.gif

As for your list. I don't believe there's a man in the verse, can hold up to all of those, but I've read it and I would rank myself at the upper end of the spectrum.

That's... an odd little poem. Thanks nonetheless. :smallsmile:

[Aramil Liadon]

Hey, what's wrong with settling down?

On the good looking girls: Chances are, they've had guys fawning over them forever. The less visually appealing, the less this is true. Go for that quirky, plain girl in the back row, and I bet she won't push you away. Worked for me!

Update: Unwanted date was canceled, etc. No hard feelings, I don't think. The friends were more into it than she was, anyway.
I also got a hug from Nerd.Girl! Ahhhhhhh... I was smiling a little all evening.

[Jae]

Hey, what's wrong with settling down?
Oh, nothing..if you want to follow the beaten path :smallyuk:
Haha no I just don't see myself having kids and getting a regular job and making regular money and forgetting about all my other plans.
I don't know that I'd have a problem being committed to somebody as a life-long thing, but I don't know that I'll ever find a person so dedicated to the world around them/holds my same ideals.
Heh my longest relationships just may be in a highschool.
....
thats a pretty sad thought :smallannoyed:


On the good looking girls: Chances are, they've had guys fawning over them forever. The less visually appealing, the less this is true. Go for that quirky, plain girl in the back row, and I bet she won't push you away. Worked for me!
:smallmad: I'm marginally insulted, actually.
ha because I think I'm the quirky plain jane :smallfrown:

[BlackStaticWolf]

let me re-phrase my question: "Why are all the Decent looking girls taken, or don't plan on having any relationships until they get to University?"

A hormone addled question if ever there was one.



What if, even later in my life, I don't plan on finding that settle down person and I don't plan on helping to overpopulate the world and I still want my life to be dedicated to helping others around the globe. Should I never date?? I think what I'm saying is if you do like somebody IN THIS MOMENT, you should go for it. Because, in this moment, it'd make you happy. Regardless of the future or experience or anything. It's a connection, and it doesn't have to be forever to be quite important.

You're right. However, when people are asking for relationship advice, they're frequently asking about the real, serious relationships. Dating and having fun while in high school is a good thing... looking for a serious relationship, not so much.

[Cobra_Ikari]

...quirky people are way more fun than the non-quirky people. That said, there are plenty of quirky people out there who are hardly "plain Janes". >.>

...not that looks should be a major factor in this stuff, anyway...

[Jack Squat]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quirky_girls.png

[Midnight Son]

That's... an odd little poem. Thanks nonetheless. :smallsmile:I thought it was quite cute. Plus, ocelots are much cooler and less cliché than the minx. Silly minx gets all the glory, when it's plain to see that the ocelot is saucier by far...

[Jae]

they're frequently asking about the real, serious relationships.

The thing is, it can be "serious" in high school as well. It depends on your definition of serious. Personally, I don't interchange "serious" and "life-long." It can be more than fun, genuine love even, and still not last twenty years later.


That said, there are plenty of quirky people out there who are hardly "plain Janes".
I'm both :smalltongue: :smallbiggrin:

@jack: I started laughing at that and then it was like waittt :smallfrown: story of my life right now
haha thanks a lot :smallannoyed:

[Logic]

The thing is, it can be "serious" in high school as well. It depends on your definition of serious. Personally, I don't interchange "serious" and "life-long." It can be more than fun, genuine love even, and still not last twenty years later.


I'm both :smalltongue: :smallbiggrin:

@jack: I started laughing at that and then it was like waittt :smallfrown: story of my life right now
haha thanks a lot :smallannoyed:

I disagree to your "plain jane" status. You have to fill out this (http://permitcity.com/tps.png) appeal form to have it changed.

[Jae]

I disagree to your "plain jane" status
heh I was almost all BUT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME SO HA on you, but then I remember that I put like four pictures on this site so you probably actually have.

hey wait weren't you the one who was also shocked that I was a girl? :smalltongue:

..I didnt get that actually. I dont act it?

[Logic]

heh I was almost all BUT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME SO HA on you, but then I remember that I put like four pictures on this site so you probably actually have.

hey wait weren't you the one who was also shocked that I was a girl? :smalltongue:

..I didnt get that actually. I dont act it?


Jae's a girl? 0.o

I thought the exact same thing. :smallconfused:

But, Jae is a very attractive young lady. I imagine her to be a heart breaker. (Or possibly, a future heart breaker.)
Depends on what you mean. I didn't say it first...

[Jae]

Oh, I know. hence the "Who was also.."

I think, though, it depends on what you meant :smalltongue:

[Serpentine]

Aw man, two misunderstandings at once :smallfrown:

As for your list. I don't believe there's a man in the verse, can hold up to all of those, but I've read it and I would rank myself at the upper end of the spectrum.As I do my best to explain in that post, you're not meant to or expected to "hold up to" all of them. A good portion of them could actually be good things to some people. It's just about figuring out what sort of a face you're presenting to the world. If you're bemoaning your lack of Significant Other and searching for a reason for it, I think it's worth looking at that list - or more accurately, looking at yourself - to see whether there might be something there to explain it. It doesn't mean that you're a horrible person who's never gonna get any, it just means that you might be at a bit of a disadvantage or even just need to look for the right person. Bah... I think I said it better in the introduction to it. Try reading that again, maybe.

It's a big pet peeve of mine when people say that. It's like, a relationship has to be some huge soul-searching thing where you find the person you're going to "settle down" (ew) with and be 2gether 4eva.
What if, even later in my life, I don't plan on finding that settle down person and I don't plan on helping to overpopulate the world and I still want my life to be dedicated to helping others around the globe. Should I never date?? I think what I'm saying is if you do like somebody IN THIS MOMENT, you should go for it. Because, in this moment, it'd make you happy. Regardless of the future or experience or anything. It's a connection, and it doesn't have to be forever to be quite important.Actually, I agree with you entirely. I mentioned a little while ago that my dad told me recently that "you should try to go out a lot in high school". In context, it was mostly so that you get experience in breaking hearts and having your heart broken, social skills, getting over disappointment, etc. My point was that it seems like he is looking for a Real Relationship (or the girls think he is) - serious, long-term, grow-old-and-die-together-or-at-least-with-no-forseeable-ending - as opposed to a bit of fun, which is something that really can wait until later (and thus my use of the capital "R", as opposed to a relationship, which is just the interaction one has with those around them).

[Jibar]

Say Serp, on checking through your helpful relationships advice sig links, thought I'd mention this.
Your first one, examples of Friend Bin conversations, that first one, the "fake one" is almost exactly, word for word, the conversation I've had at least three times now.
It's a little soul crushing that I get the "fake" response actually.
Huh.
Anyway. Fun info for you there.

[Dragor]

Okay, I'd like to pose a question to the ne'er do-wells of the Relationship Woes and Advice thread... :smalltongue: be aware this isn't a Relationship, just a relationship- but these relationships are very important to me, being in the fountain of youth still and all! :smallamused:

I just broke up with my girlfriend, I'd being going out with her for three months. One day she just decided she wanted to split, I couldn't change her mind about it, and we barely talk any more. She didn't give me any reason for splitting and I only found out last night (UK time), a month later, what she dumped me for. I talked to her best friend over MSN for about two hours, not solely about the topic, but enough. She told me that I'd been dumped because "A relationship wasn't what she thought it would be"- it was her first real relationship. She assured me that I'd done nothing wrong, and I think she was being honest.

Now here comes the hard part. Only near the end of the conversation have I realised that I was badly flirting with her. Really badly. I'd met her the week before and done the same. And then my brain did a backflip. "Should I have been attracted to her instead of my ex?" I wondered, banging my head on the desk in annoyance.

I'm thinking about asking her out, but I'm aware of the repercussions if I start going out with my Ex's best mate- I don't want to gain the reputation of someone who just dates girls for a laugh, and I know a few guys like that (to my eternal shame). But I seriously like this girl- should I ask the best friend of my Ex out?

[Brickwall]

:smallconfused: Uhhh...yeeeessss...

With all intentions of sounding like a jerk, the girl had her chance. If her best friend wants to go out with you now, she should acknowledge it as a consequence of her past mistakes. And I wouldn't be so sure that she hasn't moved on.

But, as you'll inevitably be seeing her, do your best to be peacable. Don't bring up the breakup or anything. It may sound simple enough, "Do not bring up topics that will unearth bad memories," but you really have to be careful. People are stupid and speak without thinking.

It also sounds like you're worried about your reputation. In that case, you should really take a look at your community. If you want a good reputation, stop being such a nerd. Otherwise, do as your heart tells you. Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump...

[BlackStaticWolf]

I'm thinking about asking her out, but I'm aware of the repercussions if I start going out with my Ex's best mate- I don't want to gain the reputation of someone who just dates girls for a laugh, and I know a few guys like that (to my eternal shame). But I seriously like this girl- should I ask the best friend of my Ex out?

If you like her, then yes you should.

First, I don't see how asking her out could give you a reputation "of someone who just dates girls for a laugh."

Further, even if it did... there's nothing wrong with just dating someone for a laugh. Not every relationship has to be part of a quest for true love. It's perfectly ok to date someone solely for the fun of it. Lots of people do, and it doesn't hurt them.

So in short, stop worrying about stupid things and just ask the girl out. The worst that can happen is that she'll turn you down.

EDIT: Seeing your age... dating just for fun is what you SHOULD be doing at your age.

[Midnight Son]

Aw man, two misunderstandings at once :smallfrown:
As I do my best to explain in that post, you're not meant to or expected to "hold up to" all of them. A good portion of them could actually be good things to some people. It's just about figuring out what sort of a face you're presenting to the world. If you're bemoaning your lack of Significant Other and searching for a reason for it, I think it's worth looking at that list - or more accurately, looking at yourself - to see whether there might be something there to explain it. It doesn't mean that you're a horrible person who's never gonna get any, it just means that you might be at a bit of a disadvantage or even just need to look for the right person. Bah... I think I said it better in the introduction to it. Try reading that again, maybe.Actually, I wasn't really bemoaning my single status. I am quite comfortable with my life, with or without a woman to kiss and hold and make woo at.http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/whatsthis.gif

[Dragor]

I'll think about what you both said, I'll see if I can ask her out to the cinema or something. :smallsmile:

And at older ages I guess it's easier to look back in hindsight and say "Date for fun," but for guys like me who have the attractiveness of a cesspit, it's once-in-a-lifetime that I got a girlfriend, and a gamer girl at that!

I guess the best thing to do is just roll with it. :smallcool:

[Cobra_Ikari]

I'll think about what you both said, I'll see if I can ask her out to the cinema or something. :smallsmile:

And at older ages I guess it's easier to look back in hindsight and say "Date for fun," but for guys like me who have the attractiveness of a cesspit, it's once-in-a-lifetime that I got a girlfriend, and a gamer girl at that!

I guess the best thing to do is just roll with it. :smallcool:

...or perhaps roll for it? >.>

...everyone always says confidence is the most attractive thing about a person. I wouldn't be able to tell you if this is true, but...still. Go for it, man!

[Dragor]

...or perhaps roll for it? >.>

...everyone always says confidence is the most attractive thing about a person. I wouldn't be able to tell you if this is true, but...still. Go for it, man!

:smallsmile: Why thank you kind sir. I'll certainly try my best.

[BlackStaticWolf]

And at older ages I guess it's easier to look back in hindsight and say "Date for fun," but for guys like me who have the attractiveness of a cesspit, it's once-in-a-lifetime that I got a girlfriend, and a gamer girl at that!

It's definitely easier to say things like that once you're older. I remember that when I was your age, I thought every relationship should be Romeo & Juliet die-for-you true love. As I got older, I learned different.

Now on to the other statements... I guarantee you that you're more attractive than you think you are. A great deal of attractiveness is in confidence. Just stop thinking of yourself as unattractive. It's hard, but try just the same.

Likewise... gamer girls are not as rare as you think. Furthermore (no offense intended to the girls in these forums), they're also overrated. So are gamer guys, for that matter. It's my opinion that most gamers make lousy matches for each. We have a tendency towards encouraging and enabling our worst personality flaws in one another.

Don't get me wrong, dating a fellow gamer can be a lot of fun. There's something to be said for an evening of sex and Soul Calibur. Likewise, such relationships can and do work out. Just... the majority of the ones I've seen... don't.

EDIT: I do know the difference between your and you're.

[Jibar]

There's something to be said for an evening of sex and Soul Calibur.

If you're saying Soul Calibur II, screw the sex, get to the game.

[Aramil Liadon]

Speaking from personal experience, 'Date for the Experience' only works for some people. Like, those who have the option. Definitely not all of us, as far as I can tell.


I'm marginally insulted, actually.
I... Insulted someone? But, I just meant, mpfh. *bows head in shame*

[Dragor]

She was into Silent Hill. :smalltongue:

I'm sure in America there are plenty of women who game, but in the UK (and, more specifically, Leicester) it's a legendary status only few obtain. It did go well, our games are actually what brought us together most of the time. There's nothing better than rampaging around on GTA San Andreas with your girlfriend, no sir.

And I can see where your coming from. And looking back at it, I was naive to think that it was true love. I'll get a grip eventually. :smallwink:

[Proven_Paradox]

[...]Likewise... gamer girls are not as rare as you think. Furthermore (no offense intended to the girls in these forums), they're also overrated. So are gamer guys, for that matter. It's my opinion that most gamers make lousy matches for each. We have a tendency towards encouraging and enabling our worst personality flaws in one another.

Even if that's true (I am skeptical), it presents a massive problem for a lot of particularly nerdy gamer guys such as myself. I, personally, have very few ways to connect with someone--male or female--that doesn't involve gaming in some way. Gaming is what I do in my spare time, period. I've tried other things and found them to be by-and-large not very fun. If I end up connecting with a member of the fairer sex, it is almost certain to be through gaming--there's nothing to start the conversation otherwise. Well, other than classes we may be taking together, but there's not enough there to maintain a conversation for long, in my experience. The one other exception is movies, and I don't even know what's showing right now.


So, I was gonna just go with my gut on this one rather than posting here, but since I'm already posting I might as well ask. How much does one prepare to spend on the first date? I've made up my mind to ask a woman I've been eying for a bit out (and yes, for those curious, our conversations began on the subject of gaming. And ended with me loaning here one of my favorites). I've got my own ideas here, but I'm curious as to what others would say here. The plan is a movie (I will fix that "I don't even know what's showing" problem before this) and possibly a relaxed lunch or dinner--pizza, probably.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Even if that's true (I am skeptical), it presents a massive problem for a lot of particularly nerdy gamer guys such as myself. I, personally, have very few ways to connect with someone--male or female--that doesn't involve gaming in some way. Gaming is what I do in my spare time, period. I've tried other things and found them to be by-and-large not very fun. If I end up connecting with a member of the fairer sex, it is almost certain to be through gaming--there's nothing to start the conversation otherwise. Well, other than classes we may be taking together, but there's not enough there to maintain a conversation for long, in my experience. The one other exception is movies, and I don't even know what's showing right now.


So, I was gonna just go with my gut on this one rather than posting here, but since I'm already posting I might as well ask. How much does one prepare to spend on the first date? I've made up my mind to ask a woman I've been eying for a bit out (and yes, for those curious, our conversations began on the subject of gaming. And ended with me loaning here one of my favorites). I've got my own ideas here, but I'm curious as to what others would say here. The plan is a movie (I will fix that "I don't even know what's showing" problem before this) and possibly a relaxed lunch or dinner--pizza, probably.

...movie at theatre, or movie somewhere private? Keep in mind that you can't talk to each other during a movie...which limits the "get to know you" time. >.>

[phoenixineohp]

I thought it was quite cute. Plus, ocelots are much cooler and less cliché than the minx. Silly minx gets all the glory, when it's plain to see that the ocelot is saucier by far...
Hehehehehehehe. I wondered if you were making a connection there. I just didn't know what to feel about the 'You often fret and fuss a lot, fuss a lot, ocelot.' But I'll focus on the saucy part and descend into more giggles and grins. ^^



I disagree to your "plain jane" status. You have to fill out this (http://permitcity.com/tps.png) appeal form to have it changed.
Can't I just toss a fish on it and be done with it?

[Midnight Son]

Hehehehehehehe. I wondered if you were making a connection there. I just didn't know what to feel about the 'You often fret and fuss a lot, fuss a lot, ocelot.' But I'll focus on the saucy part and descend into more giggles and grins. ^^Heh. I didn't have time to sit and write a poem of my own, so I stole that one. Doesn't fit perfectly, but it's still cute. Maybe one of these days I'll write you a decent saucy ocelot poem.

Hmm...How to start;

Roses are red...nah!

There once was a girl from Nan...http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/FISH_SLAP_by_carnival.gif

Ow! I'll come up with something.http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/grin.gif

[Midnight Son]

Hehehehehehehe. I wondered if you were making a connection there. I just didn't know what to feel about the 'You often fret and fuss a lot, fuss a lot, ocelot.' But I'll focus on the saucy part and descend into more giggles and grins. ^^Heh. I didn't have time to sit and write a poem of my own, so I stole that one. Doesn't fit perfectly, but it's still cute. Maybe one of these days I'll write you a decent saucy ocelot poem.

Hmm...How to start;

Roses are red...nah!

There once was a girl from Nan...http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/FISH_SLAP_by_carnival.gif

Ow! I'll come up with something.http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/grin.gif

[Syka]

First date: choose somewhere other than a movie so you can get to know each other. If there is a previous friendship there, ignore this advice. For dinner, find out what her favorite food is and aim for that. :)

Girls and relationships and all. I'm one of the ones who can't date around. I tried it an ended up seeing the same guy for 8 months because I can't do that dating around thing. I just can't, my mind can't do it without a load of stress. My boyfriend is the same way, when we 'casually' date, we only date that person until any potential relationship prospect is over. Thankfully, we're both that way and had no problem with a relationship. That being said, I happen to think I've done quite well in navigating the social environment, despite only having had 3 boyfriends, all long term.

As for settling down, I have a question. I know that this is the first time that I've ever thought I might be able to spend the rest of my life with someone (referencing Oz). With my ex, my thoughts were "It would be nice, but it's no biggie" even though he was dead set on us getting married (despite my protestations of waiting a while...we can see how that ended). The next guy I didn't even have a serious relationship with and I knew it would end.

Here's the question: In your experience, do you find that the guy or the girl tends to fall harder/faster/etc? In mine, it's been the guy. All three said I love you before I did, and only one (Oz) I knew I loved at the time he said it (one took me a couple days processing, one I never said).

My mom also said she's known guys tend to fall faster than girls. Which goes against the stereotype. oO

Also, I'm of the mind that marriage isn't settling down- kids'll be settling down. I just want to have been in the relationship 3+ years before getting married. Anyone I get married to will have to be able to have fun and all, so it won't stop us from doing anything. For me, if I'm getting married, it'd pretty much be a formality. By that point, we've probably been acting like a married couple for a while. *shrug* But that's my thoughts.

Sorry if this seems a little scrambled and off the wall. Long but good weekend and I'm tired.

Cheers,
Syka

[BlackStaticWolf]

If you're saying Soul Calibur II, screw the sex, get to the game.

Why not go for the added challenge of...ahem... simultaneous action?


Even if that's true (I am skeptical), it presents a massive problem for a lot of particularly nerdy gamer guys such as myself. I, personally, have very few ways to connect with someone--male or female--that doesn't involve gaming in some way. Gaming is what I do in my spare time, period. I've tried other things and found them to be by-and-large not very fun. If I end up connecting with a member of the fairer sex, it is almost certain to be through gaming--there's nothing to start the conversation otherwise. Well, other than classes we may be taking together, but there's not enough there to maintain a conversation for long, in my experience. The one other exception is movies, and I don't even know what's showing right now.

You... have doubts that it's my opinion? :smallwink:

See, this is one of the gamer personality flaws I was talking about (I do it too)... single-mindedness. You've made gaming your sole hobby to the exclusion of all else... and that makes you boring. Two gamers together tend to focus all their conversation around gaming. This is a bad thing. Eventually we bore even each other.

Gaming can be a conversation starter in the appropriate setting... but there are so many other things to talk about, EVEN if you don't think you have other interests. What about books? How about philosophy? Or life experiences? What about other intellectual fields such as history? What about current events? Why not talk about whatever it is that you do in your NON-spare time?

A friendship can be founded on gaming alone. A relationship cannot.


So, I was gonna just go with my gut on this one rather than posting here, but since I'm already posting I might as well ask. How much does one prepare to spend on the first date? I've made up my mind to ask a woman I've been eying for a bit out (and yes, for those curious, our conversations began on the subject of gaming. And ended with me loaning here one of my favorites). I've got my own ideas here, but I'm curious as to what others would say here. The plan is a movie (I will fix that "I don't even know what's showing" problem before this) and possibly a relaxed lunch or dinner--pizza, probably.

There's plenty of good looking movies right now. In Bruges looks pretty good, as does Definitely, Maybe would probably be a good date movie. Apparently No Country for Old Men is still in theatres... my sister (a film major, and snob) says that it's fantastic.

Try to see the movie first. It'll give you something to talk about besides gaming.

[Syka]

Oh, I definitely recommend In Bruges. My boy and I saw it today, and I have to say it's a very good dark comedy. Colin Farrell actually does a very good job with his character, as do the other two main actors. You really get a feel for them- there's plenty of laughs, and a lot of sadness. The only thing is it's that kind of dry British humor, and I know some people don't like it.

But it got good reviews from my boy and I. :) No Country For Old Men was good, definitely deserved the Academy Award, but it isn't one I'd suggest for a date or that is need to see on the big screen (In Bruges is one that should be if only for the emotional impact).

Cheers,
Syka

[BlackStaticWolf]

The only thing is it's that kind of dry British humor, and I know some people don't like it.


And those people should spontaneously combust. Therefore, I think it's safe to disregard their opinions. :smallwink:

[Logic]

And those people should spontaneously combust. Therefore, I think it's safe to disregard their opinions. :smallwink:

Spontaneously combusting people is not the subject of this thread. Unless your woe happens to that your last relationship ended due to someone spontaneously combusting, I don't think it needs to be mentioned. I'm only defending my general dislike of British humor. I don't want to spontaneously combust!

[BlackStaticWolf]

I'm only defending my general dislike of British humor. I don't want to spontaneously combust!

Well, if disliking British humor caused combustion, then it wouldn't be very spontaneous, now would it? I think you're probably safe.

Although, one can never be too safe. Perhaps you should amend your position... or puchase spontaneous combustion insurance.

[Felixaar]

Meant to post his last night, then the internet disconnected. *clears throat*

Dragor, rather than full on asking her out I'd suggest saying you want to talk to her and ask something along the lines of "I know this might seem awkward, but ever since my break up with (name here) I've come to know you better and to like you better. I don't want to push anything, and you can have plenty of time to think it over, and you should probably discuss it with (name here) but I'd like to go out with you sometime if you thought it would be okay." Save face.

Proven_Paradox, changes from girl to girl and guy to guy. My reccomendation is to just go to dinner at somewhere you would usually go to dinner. If you try to impress her with fanciness, it'll eventually come out that you did it just to impress her, she'll think you're a jerk, and there will be no profit. I stand for movies though, as long as a meal is involved - its how people should relate, in 'sport related activities where they dont have to look directly at eachother' (throwing popcorn at other spectators is sport). Besides, where she sits and how loud she is in the movies will probably come up sooner or later.

Syka, fallers vary from person to person. In my experience, guys fall faster, but thats mainly because most of the guys I hang out with are clingy weirdo's (and teenagers to boot). And if it makes you feel better, your lack of dating around still puts you ahead of me at three relationships to two (both of which dont really count).

[Felixaar]

Meant to post his last night, then the internet disconnected. *clears throat*

Dragor, rather than full on asking her out I'd suggest saying you want to talk to her and ask something along the lines of "I know this might seem awkward, but ever since my break up with (name here) I've come to know you better and to like you better. I don't want to push anything, and you can have plenty of time to think it over, and you should probably discuss it with (name here) but I'd like to go out with you sometime if you thought it would be okay." Save face.

Proven_Paradox, changes from girl to girl and guy to guy. My reccomendation is to just go to dinner at somewhere you would usually go to dinner. If you try to impress her with fanciness, it'll eventually come out that you did it just to impress her, she'll think you're a jerk, and there will be no profit. I stand for movies though, as long as a meal is involved - its how people should relate, in 'sport related activities where they dont have to look directly at eachother' (throwing popcorn at other spectators is sport). Besides, where she sits and how loud she is in the movies will probably come up sooner or later.

Syka, fallers vary from person to person. In my experience, guys fall faster, but thats mainly because most of the guys I hang out with are clingy weirdo's (and teenagers to boot). And if it makes you feel better, your lack of dating around still puts you ahead of me at three relationships to two (both of which dont really count).

[Serpentine]

And if it makes you feel better, your lack of dating around still puts you ahead of me at three relationships to two (both of which dont really count).Now that I think of it, my dating around puts her ahead of me, too, at 3 relationships to 2.5, though to be fair there are some makeouts scattered about, too.

[Felixaar]

Makes me laugh even more since I still picture you with a tail.

2.5?

[Serpentine]

The first one consisted of a single date, forced smooches and awkward hand-holdings. Not so much as a conversation. I don't count it much.

[Syka]

Well, I only lump one of those as a relationship because it was 9 months of casual dating, so I'd then be at about 2.5. I've only had two relationships that were "serious". No random makeouts (only kissed those three guys), so Serp is ahead of me. ;) I am mentally unable to do random hooking up. As I said, serial monogamist here. ;)

Felix, I realize everyone's falling rate varies. I was just wondering generally because my experience seems contrary to stereotypes. One of the guys was a clingy teenager, but the other two are typical young men (I don't know how one normally operates, but I know my current boy doesn't say it easily although he might fall...I know he was in a relationship about a month and it never came up, but with us it was 3 weeks).

But I guess it also varies with the relationship itself. *shrug*

Cheers,
Syka

[Jagg]

2.5? 3? Less than three???????? O.O


Wow. I know do not know whether I was (at you young-ins age) a man-whore or a stud.

I was on my 5th um 'partner' nudge nudge wink wink by 17

Then I hit University and that number gets a digit in front of it.

Oh Noes I am a man-whore. :crys:

[Brickwall]

Yeah, that treads pretty far into man-whore territory, Jagg. Mostly because of the rate at which you would have to subsequently break up with those people. That really makes the qualifier. Not that high school relationships normally last long, but once you're an adult, it's not exactly a good thing.

As far as I know. I'm sure a good deal of people subscribe to the philosophy that it's perfectly fine. But the general concencus of society tends to say "sleeping around BAD". In a primitive man-ape voice. Because it's funnier that way.

I personally don't do that sort of thing. Relationships of any kind are way too much trouble. I can't imagine being in and out of them at all, much less frequently, and being happy about it.

'twas a fool who said "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Guy forgot how happy he was when he didn't give a damn.

That's some relationships advice for y'all young'uns. Stay away, be happy. Cloning will be made viable for humans soon, after all. I plan on calling mine something less trite than Mini-Me, but to each his own.

[Serpentine]

There are few animals that can be successful with only asexual, rather than sexual, reproduction. Humans are unlikely to be one of 'em.
:smalltongue:
Jagg, that does seem like rather a lot, but eh. I'm gonna assume you're exaggerating at least a bit :smalltongue:

[The Rose Dragon]

Wow. I know do not know whether I was (at you young-ins age) a man-whore or a stud.

I was on my 5th um 'partner' nudge nudge wink wink by 17

How do hell do you people manage that? I'm 18 and I am yet to have a girlfriend.

No, seriously, do you people use black magic or something?

[Jagg]

@ Serp Um Why would you assume that? Do I seem like the type that compulsively lies? Besides it's not something I'm particularly proud of just something that happened.

Perhaps a bit more detail??

Even though I was short in high school and a bit weedy, I never lacked for confidence. (Trying to be a bit oblique here hopefully you'll get my drift without breaking the PG 13 rules) There was a reason for my confidence and that reason attracted a certain kind of girl when rumours started circulating in high school. <.< too subtle?

Lets just say by the age of 17 I'd had three girlfriends - each about 6-9 months, (which is long term for just a lad) and that at the age of 17 poor young Jagg had his heart crushed, splattered and broken in a bad way and then had some skewed (read bad and unhealthy) views on women where I felt the need for some payback and leave it at that. If I'm ever bored enough I'll write out the saga and you can read it. Nevertheless THAT chapter of my life is over.

[Jagg]

How do hell do you people manage that? I'm 18 and I am yet to have a girlfriend.

No, seriously, do you people use black magic or something?

At rose dragon. .. I don't want to breach pg 13 rules.... I'll PM you

[Micate]

...
'twas a fool who said "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Guy forgot how happy he was when he didn't give a damn.
...

Yea .. I never used to care about relationships and what have you. Then I fell in crush . Now ... I regret that I'm alone ...

It was definitely better not having known. Although being in love on the other hand, is obviously the best, but it's so hard to hold on to.
:sigh:

[phoenixineohp]

Let's see... I started dating in grade 9 (13). I'm now in 4th year at University (21). I've attempted dating in all sorts of approaches and mind sets from 'courting' to 'single date, not steady relationship and therefore able to see more than one person, though you don't sleep with anyone or else you have to abide by rule 9 section 3....'. I now know which I like better and which give/gave me issues. (Hint: single date, not steady relationship does not work with my brain. Though the situation may have made me biased. And the two dates were really weird dates.) And I'm unusual in some regards lets say. Anyways...

I've fallen dead out, absolutely in love once. I have a tough definition for 'in love' and only solidly met it that one time. And then we broke up (and it was under horrible conditions). Let's just say the relationship was not healthy and the following time was pretty damn bad. If you asked me then about the love and lost theory, I'd likely have shivved you and then gone to a corner to cry. In hind sight, I think it's quite true. Even if the relationship messed with my head and was unhealthy.

For relationships that might have involved a degree of what others define as love, well... some of those were pretty horrible too, but I still agree to the idea. Even the less horrible or horribly ending ones, I still agree. (There is a reason I don't post here much. I am in no position to give advice to people. Even if I have dated more than some here.)

In the end I think it's largely about personal development and view point. Unless you are happy with the person you are, as you are, I don't think dating is a great idea, if you know what I mean. If you are happy being yourself and can be happy with our without someone, you don't need someone to complete or fix you, you don't need the affirmation of another or the different things a partner can do for you, then I think you're set to date and fall in love, but also okay without it. But without it, you will have still missed out on things. Seeing how you view the world when in love, seeing what kind of person you are in those conditions, how you treat another and think. The sociology and psychology of being in love. The lessons you learn from it and from the other person. It's very much a benefit even if the situation producing it is horrible. There is so much that you can learn from the unique experience. And if you happen to lose the/that love, at least you still have the benefits it produced.

At least, those are my 2 cents on the idea.

[Serpentine]

Jagg: Let me put it this way. Did you count that 17? If not, it's probably another way of saying "lots". If so, it probably wasn't particularly healthy or fulfilling, but as you indicate, probably a symptom of a more serious issue. Did you count the later 117? If not, it's probably another way of saying "lots and lots". If so, wow, you have a damn good memory. Again, doesn't sound healthy but likely a symptom of something more serious. Exaggeration != lying, and doesn't even necessarily = concious.
I think a problem with my involvement in some of these discussions is this strange cultural difference of "dating". When I distinguish between "serious" and "not-serious" relationships, I'm thinking more in terms of short-term and long-term, degrees of emotional and practical (money, housing etc.) involvement, whereas the US of Americans, at least, seem to think "dating" and, as Pxp said, "courting". What you lot call "dating", where you are "able to see more than one person", I call "getting to know a potential friend who may or may not become more than that". To make a generalisation that may or may not be correct, in Australia you're either "going out" with someone, and therefore, unusual circumstances aside, only "seeing" that person, or not. Honestly, I neither get nor see the point in that whole "dating" thing. Going on dates is what you do when you start going out with someone, possibly any time you see them. If it becomes a "serious", long-term dealie, you'll probably be seeing them all the time, possibly even living with them, and dates become reserved for special occasions, otherwise you'd be on one constant date.
Just trying to clear up what seems to be a bit of confusion.
Pxp, I agree entirely with what you said about getting into relationships. If you feel like you can't be a complete person without someone else, you're going to be bad news.

[reorith]

How do hell do you people manage that? I'm 18 and I am yet to have a girlfriend.

No, seriously, do you people use black magic or something?

nope just good old fashioned charm person.

[phoenixineohp]

Serp, I think you misread something. He had 5 partners by the age of 17. And then add a decimal place, which is then in the tens. Not the hundreds.

[Serpentine]

Oh, is that all? Pfft, weaksauce :smalltongue:

[Jagg]

HA! no wonder you thought I was lying..

But since you called me weaksauce you realize I have to retaliate. Mathwuss

[Logic]

So no one else has to go through what I just did, reading the Questionable Content archives until 6 am and getting more insight on relationships than, oh say, any 3 of your last relationships is a humbling experience.

[Vampiric]

Hah... QC rules.

And yeah, Logic, I've been there. It certainly does offer a different perspective on relationships.

[sktarq]

So no one else has to go through what I just did, reading the Questionable Content archives until 6 am and getting more insight on relationships than, oh say, any 3 of your last relationships is a humbling experience.

Context please. WHOSE archives? Possibly plagerized new articles? indightments?

[Pyrian]

Questionable Content (http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1) is a webcomic - and a good one, at that.

[Syka]

Questionable Content is quite a good webcomic. I've gotten 4.5 people hooked on it (my boyfriend only read periodically and hasn't gone through the archives). One of them looked at me early last week and goes, "I hate you." "What?" "I hate you. I got bored last night and read 300 strips of QC." "Hahah...!"

Re: partners: My sisters boyfriend (18) has had more partners (for both intercourse and oral) than my boyfriend (22). Number of partners does not a good date make. Not to say her boyfriends bad, but a guy with a low (or no) numbers can be just as good at relationships than a guy with a higher number (and his number isn't high, really, but it is a few more than my boy).

Me, I'm just...yeah, serial monogamist. That's going to limit the number of people I am with (shortest 'relationship'- 6 months and that's my current one, if you want to say shortest one that has ended, 9 months).

To each their own, as long as you are being healthy about it. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Felixaar]

Actually, I'd be more inclined to say that the amount of previous relationships a person has had is inversely proportiante to their acceptability for long term relationships, except in the cases where the reason said person hasn't had previous relationships is that their an insufferable jerk (see: brickwall. just kidding.)

Serial Monogamist sounds like a great title for a book, comic, or movie.

[Brickwall]

Actually, I'd be more inclined to say that the amount of previous relationships a person has had is inversely proportiante to their acceptability for long term relationships, except in the cases where the reason said person hasn't had previous relationships is that their an insufferable jerk (see: brickwall)

Hey, lots of people suffer me! Get your facts straight, dammit. :smallannoyed:

[MisterSaturnine]

:smallmad: I'm marginally insulted, actually.
ha because I think I'm the quirky plain jane :smallfrown:

OK, I know this was a while ago, but I've seen your pictures, and you're not a plain jane. You're certainly quirky from what I can infer, but like others have said that's a good thing (unless your defining quirk is murdering boyfriends in their sleep and practicing your taxidermy on them).

And now for some ranting! Huzzah!

A while back, I decided to pursue this girl in my stand-up class--really great, actually enjoys my morbid sense of humor, drop-dead gorgeous, the works--due to a number of what I perceived as hints. Little pecks are generally pretty good hints in my opinion, but I have since been proved wrong.

I preferred to ask her out in person, so I waited until my stand-up class, which is the only time I get to see her. One week I was sick. Then she was. Then I couldn't be there. Fourth week, I've rushed to Border's that morning to buy a box of chocolates (it was the weekend after Valentine's Day and seemed like a nice thing to do), go to stand-up...and am informed she dropped the class because she was too busy.

So I send her a message via facebook along the lines of, "Hey, what gives? No more stand-up? When do I get to see you now? I got you a box of chocolates, but I guess I'll either have to save 'em for later or eat them now and give you a replacement when the time comes." She responds to tell me why she left (other work) and that she'll see me in the play I'm in. In three weeks.

To be fair, I saw it coming. I said to myself, "Damn it, in that time someone else will ask her out and I'll be screwed and out 8 bucks."

A week later, her facebook status turns to in a relationship. Further inquiry leads to the information that she now has a boyfriend.

His name is Duz. What kind of a name is Duz? :smallmad:

*sigh*

[[FLUX]]

Guess that's what you get when you don't take the bull by the horns? Know that from experience Saturnine.

Speaking of, I may as well dump some personal crap on people I don't know, just for a new set of perspectives from the impartial.

I haven't been in a relationship (I mean, an actual relationship with a member of the opposite sex) for a year and a few months. My last one ended abruptly right around finals week of my almost-last-semester of college. And I'm thinking of getting back on the horse, insofar that I've been trolling around 'meet-market' sites and myspace in search of people with my same interests, and found someone near my location with whom I may be compatible. I have yet to contact/meet this person, but from her profile she seems to be of similar temperment and interests. I am however of two minds: the first is, do I really want a relationship at this stage in my life (when I'm about to go back to school for an advanced degree and am working full-time at a nightshift job)? It'd be a distraction if it does work and if it doesn't work I'd be even more reluctant to try later. The second is, I do want to branch out and meet new people.

So, do I try and contact the person and start a friendship? Or do I hold off until I get a 'real' job, clean myself up, then if she's still available go for it? Any advice is appreciated, even "lol shut up".

[MisterSaturnine]

;4023456']Guess that's what you get when you don't take the bull by the horns? Know that from experience Saturnine.

Ugh. Funny thing is, this is the most up-front I've ever been about anything having to do with relationships. :smallsigh:

I don't have much experience in these sorts of matters (I'm not even out of high school), but I'm of two opinions pertaining to your situation, Flux. On the one hand, I want to go, "Go for it! Who cares about your schedule! Love's all you need, man!" and hand you a flower necklace over the internet. But then I look at your schedule--advanced degree plus night shift--and I think how hard it must be to balance that alone and still find time for sleep and stuff. Adding a relationship to the mix, when that's a sort of thing that can put everything else on hold if it's a really good one, seems like a dangerous combination, and you'd likely have to drop one of the three things you're doing.

[Brickwall]

Well don't get bloody sick, then.

...

Oh, right, I forgot normal people don't exactly have a decision in the matter.

Bad luck, dude. It happens. Life goes on. Maybe she'll break up with Duh and talk to you on Facebook. But don't wait for it. If another opportunity comes along with some other girl, don't let the fact that you were just crushing on someone else hold you back. You might get to use those chocolates before they go bad.

[Logic]

...and you'd likely have to drop one of the three things you're doing. [FLUX], If you are anything like me, sleep would probably be the first thing you dropped. :smalltongue:

My advice, start a friendship with whomever will have you as a friend. No need to hold off on that. Pursuing a relationship may be difficult, but the rewards can offset those difficulties. It's easy for any one of us to tell you to go for it, but ultimately it is you making the decision and taking the risks. Whatever seems the best for you at the time is exactly what you should go for.

[Zeb The Troll]

@[FLUX] - I think Logic is on the right track. Start up a conversation and see where it goes. It's perfectly alright to say from the outset that you're planning on being busy and you'd probably not be able to give a romantic relationship the time it deserves, but that she sounds like someone you'd like to get to know better. You might be able to strike up a good friendship and, if that goes well, you can pick up from there once your life settles down a bit.

It's even possible that it may work out really well for you without having to put as much effort into it as you fear. Things might just click for the two of you. In that case, having her support could actually help to offset the other stressors in your life.

[Serpentine]

Pretty much just agreeing with everyone else. With a schedule like that, I think you're gonna need some friends to talk to. If you're using internet sites, you'll have the advantage in avoiding misunderstandings of being able to tick "Looking for Friends" or having a note on your profile saying that you don't think you have enough time for a real Relationship right now.

[MisterSaturnine]

Well don't get bloody sick, then.

...

Oh, right, I forgot normal people don't exactly have a decision in the matter.

Bad luck, dude. It happens. Life goes on. Maybe she'll break up with Duh and talk to you on Facebook. But don't wait for it. If another opportunity comes along with some other girl, don't let the fact that you were just crushing on someone else hold you back. You might get to use those chocolates before they go bad.

'Fraid not, man. Everything's over.

I ate the chocolates. Most of them were tasty. :smalltongue:

[Felixaar]

Damn it! Too late to beg for chocolates.

Saturnine, seriously, ouch. Advice is just to hang on it and see what happens with them too (remember, high school relationships dont always last long) but as someone else suggested, if another opportunity comes up dont wait on it. And agreed, "Duz" is the worst name ever, though "Beau" and "Ethan" come not far behind. (Sorry to any Beau's or Ethan's offended.)

Flux, worth a shot. If you dont try it you'll keep wondering what would happen if you did try it, which is torture.

Bricko, you're fun to suffer!:smallbiggrin:

And now for my own, not quite woe, but still. Y'all may or may not remember the girl I spoke about a few months ago? Anyway, me, her, my best friend and my best friends girlfriend are all going to hang out at my best friend's father's block for about ten days this easter break. It was originally just gunna be me, best friend and his girlfriend but I need company when they're making out. Anyway she wants to come and well, it's will have been three and a half months since she said she "wasnt ready for another relationship", and incidentally hasnt gotten into one, so... stomach full of butterflies and stuffs. Any suggestions on how to get things moving?

[Logic]

And now for my own, not quite woe, but still. Y'all may or may not remember the girl I spoke about a few months ago? Anyway, me, her, my best friend and my best friends girlfriend are all going to hang out at my best friend's father's block for about ten days this easter break. It was originally just gunna be me, best friend and his girlfriend but I need company when they're making out. Anyway she wants to come and well, it's will have been three and a half months since she said she "wasnt ready for another relationship", and incidentally hasnt gotten into one, so... stomach full of butterflies and stuffs. Any suggestions on how to get things moving?

Find an opportunity to be alone with her, and talk to her. You might start by asking her to a non-threatening "friend type" activity, and telling her how you feel.

[Brickwall]

And now for my own, not quite woe, but still. Y'all may or may not remember the girl I spoke about a few months ago? Anyway, me, her, my best friend and my best friends girlfriend are all going to hang out at my best friend's father's block for about ten days this easter break. It was originally just gunna be me, best friend and his girlfriend but I need company when they're making out. Anyway she wants to come and well, it's will have been three and a half months since she said she "wasnt ready for another relationship", and incidentally hasnt gotten into one, so... stomach full of butterflies and stuffs. Any suggestions on how to get things moving?

Step 1: Find out that she's already dating someone new.
Step 2: Realize how unfair it is that you attempted to respect this girl's feelings, and some random guy you don't know just got lucky enough to ask her out a the right time.
Step 3: Realize it's her life, and you shouldn't be judging what's right for her.
Step 4: Stew in a limbo of indignation and guilt until you find a new girl to crush on.

Stunningly accurate cynicism out of the way now.

Ask her after the party. Seriously, say something like, "I don't suppose you've given any more thought to going out with me?" to indicate that you're still interested. Nothing more you can do.

[Dragonrider]

Step 1: Find out that she's already dating someone new.
Step 2: Realize how unfair it is that you attempted to respect this girl's feelings, and some random guy you don't know just got lucky enough to ask her out a the right time.
Step 3: Realize it's her life, and you shouldn't be judging what's right for her.
Step 4: Stew in a limbo of indignation and guilt until you find a new girl to crush on.

Stunningly accurate cynicism out of the way now.


Wow...your pessimism is breathtaking. :smalltongue:


Well, if I were you, Felix, I would...um...wait to say anything until late in the visit...because ten days is a long time to spend avoiding each other's gaze if Brickie is clairvoyant. Good luck!

[sktarq]

Felix-I'd actually recomend you bring it up rather early in the trip. Perhaps during one of you best friends make out sessions.
A: If she says yes then you have more time to have time to yourselves etc...
B:If she says no more time to repair any akwardness that could get drowned out in regular life. Make sure to have board games, easy resipies etc. so she remembers it as "That week we were at the beach and had fun playing painting, and making sandcastles, and BBQing, and..., and..., not that week Felixaar asked me out."

So hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[Dragonrider]

Felix-I'd actually recomend you bring it up rather early in the trip. Perhaps during one of you best friends make out sessions.
A: If she says yes then you have more time to have time to yourselves etc...
B:If she says no more time to repair any akwardness that could get drowned out in regular life. Make sure to have board games, easy resipies etc. so she remembers it as "That week we were at the beach and had fun playing painting, and making sandcastles, and BBQing, and..., and..., not that week Felixaar asked me out."

So hope for the best but plan for the worst.

:smalltongue: I KNEW when I said that, someone would disagree with me. You do have a point - now I'm all confuzzled about the right thing. I guess it's good it's Felixaar's decision, not mine. :smallwink:

[Brickwall]

Wow...your pessimism is breathtaking. :smalltongue:


Well, if I were you, Felix, I would...um...wait to say anything until late in the visit...because ten days is a long time to spend avoiding each other's gaze if Brickie is clairvoyant. Good luck!

Well, that is what I suggested, except I misread "vacation" as "party" somehow. Still, waiting has its advantages. She'll either remember it or forget it, whether you ask at the beginning or end. So avoiding awkwardness is good. HOWEVAH. If you ask at the beginning and she says yes...you now have a girlfriend on your vacation. Well, except, you know, she'll already be involved with someone, so that won't happen. Best to go with later :smallwink:

(Or you could just subtly find out before the vacation, but where's the element of surprise and embarrassment in that?)

[Felixaar]

Logic, we'll probably be hanging out for like four hours at the airport so that could work. Bricko, this is because I said you were fun, wasnt it? Well, I could tell you "I dont think she'd do that" or "she's not like that", but then I'd just sound like a clingy, lovesick teen, easy prey. DR, good point, but since im leaving to travel if we got together at the end it'd be like the last time we saw eachother for ages. I want to have more time with her than that. Whaddya mean 'lucky its up to Felixaar'? Thats like saying "Lucky its up to the long haired guy who never showers, he'll tell us what to do!" :smalltongue: sktarq, fairly sure they've got a ten day make out session planned (heck, its what they did last time. I made subtle jokes and threw things at them. good times) good points though, thanks. and im going to start using the quote "Hope for the best, Plan for the worst" if thats okay with you.

Oh, I am so gunna lord it over you if she doesnt have a boyfriend, Birckboy :smallwink:

[Vella_Malachite]

Felix, good luck is all I can say. Hope that goes well.

If Bricky's 'stunningly accurate cynicism' turns out to be 'inaccurate pessimistic cynicism', I will happily cheer you on. Asking someone those things takes guts, that does.

If Bricky (shock, horror!:smalltongue:) is correct (I will never know how he does it), then that sucks hard, man, it really does. I just had that happen to me. The guy I was majorly crushing on (I believe I mentioned him in the last thread) turned out to already have a girlfriend. That felt horrible. Truly horrible.

[Zarrexaij]

The guy I was majorly crushing on (I believe I mentioned him in the last thread) turned out to already have a girlfriend. That felt horrible. Truly horrible.Story of my life.

One of two things happen when I have a crush on the guy: either he already has a girlfriend, or he isn't attracted to me.

It's very frustrating. :smallmad:

And you know what? I'm kinda tired of being single. I miss having someone to cuddle. :smallsigh:

[Felixaar]

D'aww. *gives Zarr an interwebs-cuddle*

Also, Vella, last I remembered you were with that hockey guy? Did I miss a post?

Thanks for the good wishes, y'all.

[Logic]

D'aww. *gives Zarr an interwebs-cuddle*
Dammit. You beat me to it by only a few minutes.

*Hug's Zarrexaij*

[Felixaar]

Yay, Group Hug!

[Cobra_Ikari]

Yay, Group Hug!

...yay! *hugs everyone*

...Vella, Zarr...I also know that feeling far too well. >.<

[Felixaar]

*sniffs* I love you guys [/cheers]

[someonenonotyou]

I feel kind of weird asking people I don't really know that much for advice but I'm stuck so here goes

ok how do I tell my girlfriend that I’m not that serious I mean I’m only sixteen soon to be seventeen but she like got our whole future planned out yesterday she was talking like marriage and kids I was like HOLY CRAP! But didn't really say anything doesn’t get me wrong I like her but what do I do? How do I tell here and keep everything the same? please help me

[Brickwall]

Ah, the whole "you're moving too fast with this" issue.

Here's a couple things to remember.

1. This is just a teenage girl gushing and being all teenage girly. I dunno why, but for some reason, females seem to get their kicks off commitment. It's like a drug to them. It's not too serious, really.
2. Still, it's best she knows how you stand. Just tell her how uncomfortable you are discussing these things early in your life and early in a relationship. And she might press you for further reasoning. You don't need it. If you give into this pressing, you're going to put your foot in your mouth. Simply insist that you would feel more comfortable if the relationship was just a tad less serious, like maybe medium-serious instead of engaged-serious. You're young, and she really should understand.
3. Don't break up with her over this, seriously. It'll just make everyone less happy.

[Serpentine]

1. This is just a teenage girl gushing and being all teenage girly. I dunno why, but for some reason, females seem to get their kicks off commitment. It's like a drug to them. It's not too serious, really.Ew, the icky C-word :smallyuk: Sweeping generalisation ftw?

Speaking of sweeping generalisations, I have to admit I have made one myself, which I really should have checked before, but I'd like to do now anyway. Sorry to bring it up again, but I'm sure most of the regulars are aware of my distaste for the "friend bin" theory. I know that I would never have anything like this, but I never checked with any other females. So, females of the Playground:
1. Have you, or would you ever, not go out/get with someone solely because they were your friend and/or you "don't want to ruin the friendship"?
2. Have you, or would you ever, use the fact that you're friends and/or the "don't want to ruin the friendship" line as an excuse to knock someone back?

I like to get my facts straight before I argue something, and it's been bothering me that I didn't do it for this.

[Pyrian]

How do I tell here and keep everything the same?Yeah, I think you're better off just keeping your mouth shut. If she asks you directly say you really like her but you're too young to get married. :smalltongue: Which is the truth. I wouldn't worry about it. Time will probably either break you two up or, eventually, change your mind about commitment.

Now, if ten years from now you're still in the same situation, THAT I'd consider a problem.

[Brickwall]

Ew, the icky C-word :smallyuk: Sweeping generalisation ftw?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you in a committed relationship? Fellow named Goff something-or-other?

Don't get me wrong, plenty of girls would rather play the field. But it's a good bet that in a majority os relationships, the girl is going to want to push for commitment more than the guy. Men are strays, it's just a fact.

Not that I advocate cheating, mind you all. Just because it's in your nature doesn't mean it's healthy or right. If you act like an animal, you will be treated as one. That could mean neutering.

[Serpentine]

Yeah, but I was iffy about the idea of living in a house with just the two of us, I dislike that we're legally "de facto", and I have no intention of marrying him anytime soon (i.e. before I've tried out being single and not-single-but-with-someone-else for a while). He's more comfortable with the first two than I am.

[Felixaar]

:smallwink: @ Serpentine.
Kidding, ofcourse.

Ill have to admit, Serp, I was kinda wondering what you're advice on mine would be, not to be a bother though. And SNNY, I'd have to say kick back and relax. You've got her right where you want her. Seriously though, dont fret. Just don't encourage her. You might grow into the idea, she might grow out of it, or it might just walk out. Telling her "I dont want things to be this serious" will just rock the boat, though you have to be aware that it may come up later down the track. So maybe you should sort it out now before it gets too deep and it makes it harder to bring it up.

I've confused the hell out of you, most likely.

I apologise.

[Serpentine]

Heh, sorry Flix, it's not an area I'm experienced with. I think the others have summarised your options pretty well. I think... Syka's, was it? idea about just fairly casually throwing in a "so have you thought about what I said?" would be... possibly the most low-risk.

[Quincunx]

1. The motivator for going out with/getting with someone: Will I regret it later if I don't? (Yes.)
The motivator for not: Looking at what [would-be mate] had to offer and asking "Is that worth the price it would exact?" (No.) There may be a problem here: that a very good friend would have to offer much more than a casual-fling level of relationship to be worth the cost.

2. No opportunity--always had the much handier "Not single" to use. I doubt I would use it because it doesn't seem to work. Baiting someone into saying "but I don't mind risking the friendship!" just seems underhanded if we hadn't been speaking about the costs of human relations already, and I don't hang out with a sociologically self-conscious community*. Not to mention the fact that I'd never communicate so clearly.

*speaking of endeavors that ought to be kept private...

[Castaras]

1. Have you, or would you ever, not go out/get with someone solely because they were your friend and/or you "don't want to ruin the friendship"?
2. Have you, or would you ever, use the fact that you're friends and/or the "don't want to ruin the friendship" line as an excuse to knock someone back?

1. Depends on the friend, and how much I like them. Sometimes, I would. Sometimes, I wouldn't. Most of the time, I wouldn't.

2. No. I'd be more honest than that. Before, I have said "I just don't fancy/crush on you.", if anyone asked me out seriously(get loads of stupid people jokingly asking me out..."Hey look, it's the frizzy haired socialy inept geek! Let's go see if she's desperate for a boy!" :smallannoyed:).

[Zarrexaij]

1. Have you, or would you ever, not go out/get with someone solely because they were your friend and/or you "don't want to ruin the friendship"?
2. Have you, or would you ever, use the fact that you're friends and/or the "don't want to ruin the friendship" line as an excuse to knock someone back?
1. Well, I'd never, ever tell a friend who I was actually interested in that I wouldn't go out with them because "I don't want to ruin the friendship," nor would I go out with them solely because we're friends. Being friends is a good basis for relationships, but it's not much of a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship if you don't feel any more than platonic love for them.

2. Absolutely not. :smallconfused: I'm a chick, and I don't even understand that logic when girls do that. I mean, if a guy who I liked did that to me, I'd be absolutely torn.

[Dragonrider]

@Serp's question:

1) No
and 2) No.

But no one's ever asked me out so that doesn't mean much does it? :smalltongue:

[someonenonotyou]

Hey your all probley right thanks everyone:smallbiggrin:

[Serpentine]

But no one's ever asked me out so that doesn't mean much does it? :smalltongue:Thus the "would you" bit :smallwink: :smalltongue: Anyway, I bet it's just cuz you're one of those awesomely hot people who all the guys assume is way out of their league.
SEE GUYS?! THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO GROW A PAIR!

[Cobra_Ikari]

I must admit, when I saw that, I was tempted to sidle up and ask you out, just to be fun. That's my usual response. But for some reason...

...it just doesn't feel anymore. Looks like my heart's in a box. Sorry...*hugs*

[Felixaar]

Fifteen men on a dead cobra's chest,
A yo ho ho and a bottle of... venom?

Seriously though, group hug again.

And I probably would've made some feeble attempt by now if it wasn't for this other chick, DR.

My options summarized, I'm choosing: "RUN AWAY!"

[Pyrian]

SEE GUYS?! THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO GROW A PAIR!She's too young. :smalltongue:

[Koga]

The Koga's relationship advise that actually worked.

Step One: Treat everyone like crap.

Step Two: ?????

Step Three: PROFIT!


Seriously, somewhere in between treating every human being like crap and profit I managed to score a hot chick and have been with this girl for two years.
http://a312.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/93/m_92d0d0c3a43428eb3c4cd28de27ca1c7.jpg
Maybe she came to the rational conclusion that if I treat everyone like crap but not her, that I must honestly care about her, as opposed to the average person who puts on an act to give a damn about a lot of people. So in fact, because I'm a sociopath and a jerk, I have nothing to hide, that makes me more trusting then the average guy (or girl as the case would be for some)...

Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that aggression plays a vital role in the evolutionary line. Women are attracted to aggressive males that can protect their young and home.

Or maybe it's the fact that I can say so much bull**** with a straight face I could make you believe just about anything.

[Serpentine]

...or maybe you're full of crap, and actually do have some redeeming qualities which she recognises and likes/loves you for?

[de-trick]

hey,

Well a girl I liked broke up with her boyfriend (boy friend somewhat my friend) and am wondering how to get in her life? I used to be good friends because we had a course together, but now it's a new semester and I have no classes with her. She is not heartbroken about the breakup either so I can't comport her. When should I ask her out and how to become friends with her like before? I now she liked me before and we talked alot in or old course together from romance to music. I remember her saying that she said I have to be open, and ask girls out. and not make a mistake by waiting till its too late.

I have one more problem how do you change from a nerdy guy who stutters, and has very embarrassing story's about himself to a romantic lover-boy.

[Rawhide]

I remember her saying that she said I have to be open, and ask girls out. and not make a mistake by waiting till its too late.

"Hey, you remember how you told me I needed to be more open, and not wait until it's too late to ask a [beautiful|intelligent|etc] lady such as yourself out? Well, this is me being more open..."

[Fin]

hey,

Well a girl I liked broke up with her boyfriend (boy friend somewhat my friend) and am wondering how to get in her life? I used to be good friends because we had a course together, but now it's a new semester and I have no classes with her. She is not heartbroken about the breakup either so I can't comport her. When should I ask her out and how to become friends with her like before? I now she liked me before and we talked alot in or old course together from romance to music. I remember her saying that she said I have to be open, and ask girls out. and not make a mistake by waiting till its too late.

I have one more problem how do you change from a nerdy guy who stutters, and has very embarrassing story's about himself to a romantic lover-boy.

Wow you are describing me of exactly six years ago!
Super secret: This story is about me and Ranna who is also on these board tee hee!
I was in almost an identical situation, then it seemed like hell now it seems silly. To get over the nervousness I simply stopped caring what people thought. i know that sounds hard. But you'll be surprised if you tell those embarrassing stories without an apparent care in the world you'll come across and both funny and genuine, (I mean come on what embarrassing stories aren't funny?) something I'm sure all girls like, then its a case of picking your moment to ask her out properly. That was my stumbling block. Having the ability to laugh at myself stopped at the point of risking her saying no. That went on for about four months, don't let that happen to you! Eventually though we did get together and like I said that was six years ago and i'm happier now then ever, all cause I stopped thinking about what others thought. A laugh can last a lifetime!

[The Rose Dragon]

SEE GUYS?! THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO GROW A PAIR!

That... doesn't work. At least not in my case. Every time I've tried asking someone out, I got rejected and / or she turned out to be attached. Every time I wanted to ask someone out, they were taken before I could make a move.

My personal life is a huge list of romantic failures and pointless pining.

So I've come to the conclusion that other people are not just worth hurting myself over and become celibate. As of three days ago, I've given up all romantic relations. It doesn't help that much, but at least it's one less thing to worry about.

[de-trick]

That... doesn't work. At least not in my case. Every time I've tried asking someone out, I got rejected and / or she turned out to be attached. Every time I wanted to ask someone out, they were taken before I could make a move.

My personal life is a huge list of romantic failures and pointless pining.

So I've come to the conclusion that other people are not just worth hurting myself over and become celibate. As of three days ago, I've given up all romantic relations. It doesn't help that much, but at least it's one less thing to worry about.

You can't give up on love it's the reason we are alive and there are plenty of fish in the sea

[The Rose Dragon]

You can't give up on love it's the reason we are alive and there are plenty of fish in the sea

No, procreation is the reason we are alive. Which is perfectly capable of happening without love getting in the way.

And I don't like fish. I prefer the taste of steak (yes, I know that's a metaphor).

[Glaivemaster]

That... doesn't work. At least not in my case. Every time I've tried asking someone out, I got rejected and / or she turned out to be attached. Every time I wanted to ask someone out, they were taken before I could make a move.

My personal life is a huge list of romantic failures and pointless pining.

So I've come to the conclusion that other people are not just worth hurting myself over and become celibate. As of three days ago, I've given up all romantic relations. It doesn't help that much, but at least it's one less thing to worry about.

Of course it works. Out of 3 girls I've asked out, only 2 have said no. That's a 33% success rate, which isn't bad considering how many girls are out there. The thing is, you have to accept that some people say no. Accepting that is what growing a pair is all about

But hey, if you want to give up romance, that's your call. So long as you're happy with it.

[Serpentine]

Dragon: Oh well, you might get luckier that way.

de-trick: You're at uni, right? Just call her up and ask to get together sometime to catch up. Hell, if there're other friends around that you don't want to lose track of, invite them as well. Take-away food and a movie, or go out to a pub, or (especially if you're bringing other friends) bowling would all be good choices, I think, as a way to rekindle a friendship.

[Cobra_Ikari]

...I agree with Serp. Although I'd also say to rekindle contact a little first before asking her out, instead of asking her out out of the blue.

[Felixaar]

Rosie, if you managed to get through the rest of you life without feeling romantic... feelings, I dont know whether I'll be more impressed or pitiful. Gotta agree though, Steak > Fish.

De-trick, unless you're some sort of alternate personality hero like Spyboy, I'm pretty sure there is no way to turn yourself into a cool, slick, fonzy type. Some gal's find nervousness not necessarily attractive, but cute and/or flattering. I'd say call her and ask her if she wants to catch up - after all, the worst she can do is say no.

Also for a bit of trivia, they day I'm meeting the girl (lets call her Rachel from now on) at the airport is going to be my best friends' ten month anniversary.

...Naaaaaaaaah...

[de-trick]

de-trick: You're at uni, right?

nah I'm in highschool but wont make a big difference except going to the pub.

Felixaar: remind me to make a superhero outfit mask and all.:smalltongue:

[Serpentine]

...I agree with Serp. Although I'd also say to rekindle contact a little first before asking her out, instead of asking her out out of the blue.I wasn't talking about asking her out, I was talking about rekindling contact. High school's harder, though...

[Cobra_Ikari]

I wasn't talking about asking her out, I was talking about rekindling contact. High school's harder, though...

I know you weren't...I just said what I meant awkwardly. >.<

...sorry. *hugs*

[Dragonrider]

De-trick, unless you're some sort of alternate personality hero like Spyboy, I'm pretty sure there is no way to turn yourself into a cool, slick, fonzy type. Some gal's find nervousness not necessarily attractive, but cute and/or flattering. I'd say call her and ask her if she wants to catch up - after all, the worst she can do is say no.


When I was 13 I had a huge crush on a guy whose nickname was fonzy. Ironic part? He was a huge geek. :smallamused:

[Syka]

Hello, I've been on Spring Break, hence the lack of being online. :)

As to Serps questions, if I was attracted to someone, I won't let being friends with them stop me. If I'm not, I'm not going to date them just because they are a friend. Also, I won't use that as an excuse. However, if a mutual friend of an ex and mine asks me out I WOULD turn them down on the basis I don't date friends of exes.

On committment, I'm also with Serp. My boyfriend told me I'm the first girl he's dated who hasn't had her wedding all planned out (outside of my determination to get married in Las Vegas by Elvis), and HE was the one that brought that up. Same thing in the past, the guy has always been the one to bring it up (I remember when my ex did...I about flipped a lid 'cause I was only 17 and he was 16...).

De-trick, my boyfriend and I were talking about confidence last night. In high school we were both humongous nerds and not that confident and kind of shy. Somehow, in the intervening few years we've both managed to gain confidence and neither of us realized it until after the transformation was over. We figured out that the confidence stemmed from the fact that we we COMFORTABLE with ourselves, as we were. We embraced our geeky sides and went with it. He's a total romantic goofball and learned to work it (even though he's been told by many he's too goofy and romantic, I love that part). Me, I'm a huge nerd in some areas and forgetful, but he finds those parts of me amusing. After we embraced the things that were less than perfect by socities standards, we got confidence. And it paid off. We both found that our prospects increased manyfold.

Cheers,
Syka

[Serpentine]

Another thought on confidence: You will always look stupider scuffing your feet about the sidelines, looking down, going to do something then changing your mind, not participating for fear of looking silly, etc. than getting in there and making a fool of yourself. If you're laughing at yourself as well, then everyone must be laughing with you, not at, and you'll get more respect for making a fool of yourself through doing than making a fool of yourself avoiding doing.
Mmm, philosophical.

[Flickerdart]

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/2008/03/14/girls-suck/

That's pretty much the case here (please do not infer the image by the URL, it's quite funny and not actually offensive).

[Midnight Son]

However, if a mutual friend of an ex and mine asks me out I WOULD turn them down on the basis I don't date friends of exes.Note to self: Never become friends with Syka's Exes.

Further note: if already friends with one of them, punch him in the face.http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/plotting.gif

[Hell Puppi]

Note to self:
Further note: if already friends with one of them, punch him in the face.http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/plotting.gif

If only more problems could be solved that way...
:smallamused:

[Felixaar]

They can't? What a waste of time.
Oh why did I put so many points in Strength?
Also, thats an absolute classic, Flickerdart. Giant Octopus, hee hee hee.

Totally agreeing with both Serpo and Syka on the whole confident with yourself dealie. The more you get intouch with you inner dork (nerd, or geek); the better you feel about yourself, the more confident you become. And thats why i'm going to give my co-workers a strafing run of marshmallow guns on my last day of work :smallbiggrin:

(Also, someone actually named their child Fonzy? I know a Maximus, I know both a Duane and a Dwayne, I even know a guy named Jethro, but Fonzy?)

[Glaivemaster]

Joxer:
#1 - it's her instinct, let her follow it. If she doesn't have feelings for you, tough luck, but I don't think you're in a position to judge what her feelings are, and whether or not she's deluding herself

#2 - People with different religious beliefs/lifestyles/hobbies/whatever can have good relationships. Similarly people with similar beliefs/lifestyles/hobbies etc. don't necessarily get on. Just because you do similar things to her, and her current boyfriend doesn't, it doesn't mean you're her perfect match, or that they can't like each other

#3 - People at the age of 17 can be very mature. Speaking as an 18-year-old who lives with his parents and has never has a job, with many friends in similar positions, I can say I know plenty of mature people. Particularly people more mature than to believe that age is the only measure of maturity. Have you met him? Is he really that immature? Or are you just throwing out a generic, baseless stereotype?

She obviously doesn't want to date you, and hasn't wanted to for 10 years. I imagine she has her reasons, and I doubt she's going to change her mind, no matter how much you try to convince people that you're the one for her. I suggest you accept it, and move on to someone new

[Brickwall]

#2 - People with different religious beliefs/lifestyles/hobbies/whatever can have good relationships. Similarly people with similar beliefs/lifestyles/hobbies etc. don't necessarily get on. Just because you do similar things to her, and her current boyfriend doesn't, it doesn't mean you're her perfect match, or that they can't like each other

Rich has something to say on this matter. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0223.html)

:smallbiggrin:

[Dragonrider]

(Also, someone actually named their child Fonzy? I know a Maximus, I know both a Duane and a Dwayne, I even know a guy named Jethro, but Fonzy?)

nickname, silly. :smalltongue: *shudders* I think the first name Fonzy would be an insurmountable obstacle to any romantic feelings I might experience.

[Gem Flower]

It probably won't last, but I've got a crush on guy who's.....uhhh......a whole lot older than me. Just gotta wait 'til it wears off.:smallsigh:

[Glaivemaster]

Rich has something to say on this matter. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0223.html)

:smallbiggrin:

If Rich agrees with me, I must be right :smalltongue:

[Serpentine]

Rich has something to say on this matter. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0223.html)You only like that one cuz it involves the words "slamming their respective heads into the brick wall of romantic futility" :smallwink:

[Felixaar]

nickname, silly. :smalltongue: *shudders* I think the first name Fonzy would be an insurmountable obstacle to any romantic feelings I might experience.

Ohhhhhh, Ironic nickname then. Like how the guys at church group used to call me Rambo (I have a similar hairdo, which is actually by coincidence cuase I've never watched a Rambo movie.)

And yeah, I've always thought that comic was very insightful. Plus Haley blushing is cute.

[Brickwall]

You only like that one cuz it involves the words "slamming their respective heads into the brick wall of romantic futility" :smallwink:

Curses. You've figured out the secret behind my name. What ever shall I do. 9_9

I actually forgot about that line. Funny coincidence, though.

Maybe I should make that my title. "The Brick Wall of Romantic Futility". I like it. Works on a couple levels.

[Atheistina]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask for advice, but..

I'm a lesbian, I have very very little experience as far as dating goes. A couple months ago, I asked a girl over, and I was really shy and awkward around her(we were meeting for the first time.) I could tell she wanted me to kiss her, and I did...but it kinda felt like she was judging me the whole time, you know? I called her later and she said I was to childish/immature for her, and she ended up feeling "big sister-ish," towards me. I mentioned this in the lgbt thread I believe.

I'm afraid that the next time I meet a girl that I'll screw it up by being too afraid to be assertive physically. I have no experience taking the lead like that...and the older I get the more it seems like all the girls I meet have had alot of dating experience already, and I don't know what to do when they might expect something of me.

Which kind of depresses me...it feels like a self perpetuating cycle that's really hard to break out off. I'm really, really tired of being single...and I have no idea of what girls want or the "rules" of dating or how anything works.

Help, anyone? :smallfrown:

[Felixaar]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask for advice, but..

I'm a lesbian, I have very very little experience as far as dating goes. A couple months ago, I asked a girl over, and I was really shy and awkward around her(we were meeting for the first time.) I could tell she wanted me to kiss her, and I did...but it kinda felt like she was judging me the whole time, you know? I called her later and she said I was to childish/immature for her, and she ended up feeling "big sister-ish," towards me. I mentioned this in the lgbt thread I believe.

I'm afraid that the next time I meet a girl that I'll screw it up by being too afraid to be assertive physically. I have no experience taking the lead like that...and the older I get the more it seems like all the girls I meet have had alot of dating experience already, and I don't know what to do when they might expect something of me.

Which kind of depresses me...it feels like a self perpetuating cycle that's really hard to break out off. I'm really, really tired of being single...and I have no idea of what girls want or the "rules" of dating or how anything works.

Help, anyone? :smallfrown:

I'm about the last person who should give advice on what girls want, lesbian girls especially, though thats neither hear nor their. Best advice I can give you is keep on trying, and you'll get it right eventually.

[Serpentine]

No reason why it couldn't go here. Lesbians have relationships too :smalltongue:
Looking at your profile, you're young - 17. Plenty of straight people have had less experience at that age (or mine for that matter) than you. Hrm... Any sort of relationship, particularly with the physical side of things, can be better/easier when both members are inexperienced - you get to learn together. There are plenty of lesbians out there, I'm sure, who're just as green and worried as you. On the other hand, it could also be great if you can find someone with quite a lot of experience, but also a lot of patience, to help guide you along. If you're intending to go to university, I'm willing to bet that you'll find a goldmine of both types of women. It's alright to be uncertain or nervous - can even be pretty damn adorable. Both relationships and... physical activities need trust to work and to be enjoyable. Finally, as with all relationships, you should never ever feel compelled or obliged to do something. If you want to, fine, if you don't, don't.

[Felixaar]

^I second everything said above. Well written, Serpo. (Im considering changing your nickname to "Slurpo". Thoughts?)

[Serpentine]

Sounds icky. What about Serpy, or Serps?

[Brickwall]

Atheistina:

This isn't really connected with dating experience at all. Speaking from entirely gender-neutral standpoint, many people prefer partners who are naive or immature or inexperienced or what-have-you. There are those who prefer to care for their partners in the way that the woman you described did not. You needn't change a thing. Please be careful, though, that you do not get in an unhealthy relationship. Many of your type will cling to their partner even if they are abused emotionally, or even physically. You don't need to be distant, but if I only can go off what one person had to say about you, I'm going to stick with the advice that once you find a relationship, be careful.

And I'd like to re-hash: you don't need to change yourself. You're quite dateable as you are, just not by one particular girl. I'm sure it's very difficult to find other gay girls, but many seem to manage it. Just stay positive.

Since this post has been entirely sensitive and optimistic, I would like to adjust it a bit to fit my character.

Lesbians. AWESOME. :smallwink: :smallbiggrin:

[Hoggy]

Sounds icky. What about Serpy, or Serps?

I vote Serpies, personally.

[Lyesmith]

I like Serpy.

Also, it's Minor moral dilemma fueled by desire and such from an angsty teenager time! Yaay.

Basically, i have arranged on friday to see some freinds and freinds of freinds, one of whom is a rather awesome, hugely eccentric and massively fun guy who i've got a crush on. I've got it on good authority that i'm not his type, but ich. Still with the immense crush.
Also, he's at Uni and two years older than me, whic ought to be a deterrent, but it really isnt working. Which sucks.

[Syka]

Atheistina, you've got some great advice from Serp and Brickie. My boyfriend is more experienced that I and, even though I've dated two other guys, I was pretty shy when it came to the physical realm. I always figured I just didn't care either way, but I have since figured out I was scared of the same thing you are- being too aggressive and not sure what they expected of me (I'm still waiting to have sex).

If you get in a relationship, share your concerns. I did with my boyfriend and got a resounding Go For It. He knew my boundaries and likes it when I take the reigns. If I hadn't shared, I'd probably still be fairly timid.

Other than that, I have nothing to add. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Atheistina]

Thank you for the advice everyone :smallsmile:

It's hard not to feel like I have to change myself...I haven't really had a successful relationship yet. I tend to get attached too easily, and I think that's hurt me.

I'm trying to improve my self-esteem and confidence, since I think that's the root of why I tend to be sort of clingy.

I guess I'll just wait until college to try and look for girls, since everyone says I'll have an easier time of it there.

[Logic]

I vote Serpies, personally.

And then her nickname rhymes with a Sexually Transmitted Disease that has a pretty bad stigma attached to it. I think she will not favor your pick.

[Felixaar]

Serpy, Serpies, Serps... too unimaginitive. Serpskins, for the time being.

Az, Deterrents never work (truuuust me, I'm a rat) so I'd say just go for it. Ofcourse if nervousness is freaking you out, dont try and act confident - just let things ride. Out of curiousity, this "good authority" isnt a jilted lover, is it?

And Bricksly, that reminds me of Friends. "My wifes a lesbian :smallfrown:" "COOL! :smallbiggrin:"

Sykie, good for you. Though didn't your boy say he thought it would hot to see you with another girl? I thought that implied that I should stop talking now.

[Serpentine]

Excellent advice from Brickwall there. Athy, it sounds like you're more or less going about it the right way - you're best being happy with yourself before seeking someone else to share you with. You don't necessarily have to stop looking... or rather, you shouldn't actively avoid anything 'til you leave school. If something happens, go for it. If not, well, it will be easier later.
Az, I generally think that the problem with age differences isn't so much the age difference but the different stage in life. Two people at uni will have more in common than one at uni and one not. Two people just setting off into the workforce will have more in common than one just setting off and one on his/her way to retirement. If you have enough in common with this guy outside of uni, school and associated issues, then it shouldn't be a problem, but it's worth keeping in mind as a potential issue. On the other hand, you sounded more like you just wanted to vent than looking for advice... So... >pats shoulder< There there.

On name: My dad and boyfriend independently added "ikins" to my real name (for example, not my actual name, "Sophikins" for "Sophie"). Guess that could work, if you really need to nickname me :smallconfused:

[Syka]

Yes, he did say that Felix. :smalltongue: He also said that, at least at this point in time, he is not up for sharing. ;) He knows that he'd get too jealous, be it male or female whom I am with, and there was no discussion of HIM being involved as well. :smallwink:

Oooook....Time for me to step away from this conversation before I get scrubbed...:) Suffice to say my boyfriend and I are very open with each other.

Cheers,
Syka

[Hoggy]

And then her nickname rhymes with a Sexually Transmitted Disease that has a pretty bad stigma attached to it. I think she will not favor your pick.

Damn, and she'd have gone with it too if you hadn't pointed it out! :smalltongue:

Alt: And I'd have gotten away with it to, if it wasn't for you pesky kids!

[Serpentine]

Nah, it's been used and brought up before.

[Logic]

Note to self: Don't ever do this. (http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1044#comic)

[FlyMolo]

Note to self: Don't ever do this. (http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1044#comic)
Anyone else notice one of those books is titled "Worshiping Satan"?

In any case, I drifted into this thread because my love life is usually interesting, but not now. 3 weeks ago I could have filled an entire page with angst, but right now it's all sunshine and daisies. New relationships are like that. :smallbiggrin:

It feels good to be happy.

[Quxelopqr]

Anyone else notice one of those books is titled "Worshiping Satan"?
I caught that too, it made me laugh a bit.

My first time asking for advice, normally people ask me for it, but naturally a physician cannot cure himself, right? (at least thats how my relationship advice goes, works for everyone but me :smallfrown: )

My problem is this, I really made my exgirlfriend mad. She apparently thought I wanted to get back together with her, but I just wanted to stay friends with her (I'm one of those guys who promised the girl he'd always be her friend, and I always keep my promises, no matter how idiotic or dangerous they may be-and I get some great stories for my trouble :smallamused: ). Anyways, now she thinks I was just trying to use her when I told her I wanted to see her (I enjoy spending time with her, even if I'm not dating her), and now she's completely heartbroken about it, and even more mad because I'm not taking it hard at all, since I thought we were done as a couple almost a year ago and got all of that outta my system. I'm not the type to outwardly show my emotions often, whereas she's the second most emotional girl I know.

My thoughts to myself are to give her some time (a lot of time considering how mad she is, like 'never want to see his %$@@ face again! rar!' mad), and once she can stand to talk to me telling her why I said what I did. Anyone come up with something else? Thanks in advance!

Oh, and special mention to the ladies: never ask a guy where you stand as a couple when you have him basically ready to go at it. His blood's not at his brain and he's not thinking right. He'll probably say the wrong thing.

[Felixaar]

Gee, Serpsly, I'm assuming you irl name isnt Sophie, cause (in my opinion) all the sophies I know are trashy words-i-wont-use-in-front-of-ladies, and you seem to cool for that. Serpikins? Maybe 'skins? something like that.

And yeah, Syk, I think we'll just wander away from that topic. :whistlingsmiliehere:

Qux, sounds mean. I'd have to agree with your current plan on simply letting her cool off. Good idea would be to send her a text message every now and then saying "Are you feeling okay? Would like to talk" or something of the like, but not to often or she'll think you want to get together and itll be all blahblahrahrahgrrgrr again. Best of luck.

[Pyrian]

Anyways, now she thinks I was just trying to use her when I told her I wanted to see her (I enjoy spending time with her, even if I'm not dating her), and now she's completely heartbroken about it...
...
Oh, and special mention to the ladies: never ask a guy where you stand as a couple when you have him basically ready to go at it. His blood's not at his brain and he's not thinking right. He'll probably say the wrong thing.
Please tell me these are not connected. :smalltongue:

[Felixaar]

By Steve, I hope not.

[Quxelopqr]

Sorry guys, they are connected. We had one of those breakups where both people still care about each other a lot, but just have no methods of seeing each other so it has to end; the problem being that when we see each other we're still very attracted to each other (since until yesterday we'd never really had the 'falling out' that most relationships end with). Normally I'd have at least been able to tell her what I now have to wait to say, but that's probably why she was so mad. I'd have rather she asked me about the whole couple bit either like right away (before anything started to happen) or afterward, I think when she did was about the worst time it could have been said.
She really managed to confuse me into thinking that we were just going to hook up (imagine that, a girl confusing a guy). I realize that it's mostly my fault that the whole thing happened, that's why I want to apologize to her.

[AKA_Bait]

Sorry guys, they are connected.

I'm new to this thread, so hi.

I'd agree with giving her some space but staying in touch. Write an e-mail or a letter explaining yourself and how you feel about the relationship (friends/otherwise), apologizing, and saying that you want to talk to her whenever she feels ready. Leave it alone from there. She'll get in touch if she wants to.

Also, I'd suggest that in the future, give some thought as to what the expectations of your potential hookups might be before things start happening. For some folks, like myself, casual hookups just aren't even considered an option. If you know someone who has a romantic interest in you is like that then assume that any physical stuff that they initiate is not with the idea of it being a casual hookup.

[Quxelopqr]

Thanks a lot, and that last bit of advice is great. I'm definetly following it in the future. I'm really not the kind of person to do the casual hookup thing, so I should have thought with my head and realized that it wasn't.

[Zarrexaij]

Sorry if I'm taking the thread off-track, but by Jove, what in the deli is a "casual hookup?" :smallconfused:

Sorry if I'm a naive little womanchild who has been living under a rock for the past 17-18 years. :smalltongue: :smallsmile:

[Hadrian_Emrys]

"casual hookup?" is a kind term for meeting up with someone nice and having "good time" with no strings attached.

[Lyesmith]

the phrase "One-night-stand" might also be applicable.

Ah, RW&A.
Les updatiers. (i am mangle the french!)
Okay. So. I'm bi, favouring dudes. At least for now. yay, me...
Anyway. There is a guy i've had a crush on for a while, met him properly for the first time today, and as those who have my MSN will know, i really wish i'd kissed him.
mmkay, some context.
He's the friend of a freind. More the freind of a friend's older sister, but i get along with both siblings just as well. He's gorgeous, funny, eccentric, witty...i could go on. But i'd become abstract.
But the older thing is really the thorn here. He's at University (College, for you americans? i dont know. I got that from Buffy.) most of the time, only got to see him today because i'd organised it a while back and he's got the 4-day-weekend down here for easter. And i dont even get tuesday off.:smallfrown:. Anyway. I want to start something with him, i really, really do. But a part of me knows it'd be doomed to failure on account of the distance and the time (Yes, i know some playgrounders have wonderful long-distance relationships, but i'm not sure if it'd work here.) and the fact i'm mildly unstable, if resilient, may not help. Oh, and i've got bugger all self esteem, too. And i'm mildly awkward, too.

...Still, argh. Part of me wants to lament, part of me wants to send him an ambiguously flirty text, part of me wants to wait it out a bit and then shag him. Curse this impatience. I want it now, i want it now, give me your heart and you soul.:smallsigh:
Cookie for the song reference.

[Serpentine]

Welllll... there are degrees of relationships. No idea whether it could actually work for you, but you could sort of... I'm not going to explain it well at all, but you could have a sort of an onlinish/long-distance/whenever-you-see-each-other relationship but without the full-blown commitment. Something like, you make do with what you have, but are free to pursue other relationships with those in more practical circumstances. If either of you did get involved in a meaningful, potentially long-lasting relationship you most likely should tell the other, but... you'd have something, at least?

[Lyesmith]

I understand. Thank you once again, Serpy.
*e-hugs for the auzzie lady who looks a bit like my godmother*

[Lupy]

Well, not to brag, but at my school I have the highest intelligence score by far... And one of the highest wisdoms, and a fair charisma. So all the girls at my school know I don't like to lie, so they ask me about what the guy they like or whoever is "thinking", and since I'm friends with one of them I usually know. Well, this has somehow made me undateable. I always get "I don't want to date a friend though." So what should I do? I mean, I don't want to lie, but I've had only one girlfriend in... too long (and we broke up), and I really like this girl, but she really is a friend, and even though she's single, she wont even consider dating me. How do I make myself dateable again?

[Hadrian_Emrys]

Just for fun: If the problem is that she's your friend, you can fix it by egging her house. No more friendship, problem solved. You'll be the bad boy of her dreams and she'll be all over you. :smalltongue:

Honest advice: *shrug* The problem is that she's not interested. Heck, she might even have her eyes set on another to the point that you are not even on the radar. If you are her friend, be her friend. Just be who you are, and do what you do naturally. If her feelings toward you change, take it from there, However, if they don't, leave it be. It gnaws on you to have stronger feelings for another than they have for you, I have no cure for that. All I can say is that things like this will progress as they may, and if you go about trying to engineer things to work the way you want... you all but doom yourself to failure in the end.

[Brickwall]

Lupy, you just made a certain lady who shall not be named (oh, who am I kidding, hi Serp) quite piqued, I believe, given recent discussions in this thread.

Advice? Wait until University. It won't kill you. If you're lucky, you'll realize that love is a horrible disease, and become enlightened like me. I doubt you'll be so lucky, you already having been smitten, but there may still be time to save you. Or, you know, you'll just find a girlfriend at college. One of the two.

[Midnight Son]

Well, not to brag, but at my school I have the highest intelligence score by far... And one of the highest wisdoms, and a fair charisma. So all the girls at my school know I don't like to lie, so they ask me about what the guy they like or whoever is "thinking", and since I'm friends with one of them I usually know. Well, this has somehow made me undateable. I always get "I don't want to date a friend though." So what should I do? I mean, I don't want to lie, but I've had only one girlfriend in... too long (and we broke up), and I really like this girl, but she really is a friend, and even though she's single, she wont even consider dating me. How do I make myself dateable again?If the first is true, you should be able to pour it on. Charm her. Woo her. Show her what it would be to be more than friends with you. Assuming, of course, that you're not overestimating your assets there.

Oh, and people with high INT and WIS scores generally know what a bad idea it is to go parading them about to the lowly masses.http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a122/Dwarf71/Smileys/nonono.gif

[Quxelopqr]

Question for Lupy: did she tell you she wasn't interested, or do you just think she isn't? One thing with girls is, 'they make you think they don't like you when they do'. If she told you she wasn't interested, then sadly the best thing to do would be to pick a different girl. If you just think not, then I'd say to hang out with her and act naturally for awhile, and eventually she'll figure it out. You're still in high school from what I gathered, and most of the girls there are looking for the wrong things in relationships. You sound like the kind of guy that has to wait a long time between relationships (since the girls aren't looking in the right place) but has very good ones when they happen. Good luck to you!

[Hadrian_Emrys]

I simply assumed the doe-eyed condition was to blame for the first part of the post, and went for the meat and bones.

[Lupy]

Question for Lupy: did she tell you she wasn't interested, or do you just think she isn't? One thing with girls is, 'they make you think they don't like you when they do'. If she told you she wasn't interested, then sadly the best thing to do would be to pick a different girl. If you just think not, then I'd say to hang out with her and act naturally for awhile, and eventually she'll figure it out. You're still in high school from what I gathered, and most of the girls there are looking for the wrong things in relationships. You sound like the kind of guy that has to wait a long time between relationships (since the girls aren't looking in the right place) but has very good ones when they happen. Good luck to you!

I asked her out and she said "Well, I would, but if we do go out we'll never really be friends again afterwords."


Oh, and people with high INT and WIS scores generally know what a bad idea it is to go parading them about to the lowly masses.

Thanks everyone, in fact, I think she just asked me to go to the movies with her in a txt, so, maybe I was just being impatient.
I'm fairly sure that everyone here has a score of at least 12. (And at my age we still have wisdom penalties...)

[Serpentine]

Lupy, you just made a certain lady who shall not be named (oh, who am I kidding, hi Serp) quite piqued, I believe, given recent discussions in this thread.Actually, it depends whether she actually said that or if he just interpreted it that way. Considering this:
I asked her out and she said "Well, I would, but if we do go out we'll never really be friends again afterwords."I can certainly see why he'd think of it that way. Honestly, I have no idea how I'd interprate that. On the other hand, it seems she may have asked him out, which deals with my main issue with that theory that it makes it sound like females are incapable of changing their minds.
Lupy, it seems like you have this particular girl under control. For general purposes, you might like to check the list in my sig ("relationships" was it?) just in case. Another possibility, if you're right about how fantastic you are, is that you just seem out of their league. How often, and in what way, do you ask girls out? You might just like to think about what sort of air you have. Do you make it obvious that you think you're more intelligent than everyone? Are you aloof? Superior? Simply generally unflappable? You may just seem more-than-human.

[Quxelopqr]

When a girl says something like that, you have to choose if you'd prefer her as a friend for a long time, or as a girlfriend potentially only for a short time. From experience I can tell you that trying to be friends after a breakup is pretty tough, so she may be right in saying you could never really be friends afterwards. Personally I'd keep her a friend, but if you really like this girl, then ask her out and hope you have a long happy relationship together.

[Vampire包子]

It is possible to go back to being friends after a breakup, but only if the relationship went well, and the breakup is the "good" kind- we can't get married for whatever reason, best to end it now, etc.
However, I would stress it is a huge risk-- if the relationship goes south, and feelings get hurt, even speaking terms can be hard to salvage. I've been witness to this.

However, if it works out... I just broke up yesterday, actually, with a girl who was my best friend for four months, and then girlfriend for two years. We're still the best of friends, the hard part is trying to stay as just friends without reigniting the old relationship. Having the Pacific Ocean in between helps (and jetlag ftw). So, in my experience, it can work. For many of my friends, they did not have happy endings, and even though they live in the same bloody city, never talk to the other. For me, we're 12 time zones apart, and still talk way more than is probably healthy for trying to remain "just friends".

To sum: Risky, you could ruin the friendship if it doesn't work out. If you go for it, it's worth it and then some if it works out.

[FlyMolo]

Ah, finally a Woe I can contribute direct personal experience to.

You've become the Gay Guy. Regardless if you're actually straight. But the one guy picked for whatever reason to be the spokesperson for the entire male species. The one who is off-limits to everyone because of his usefulness as an interpreter. It's like diplomatic immunity, but not as fun. Not fun at all, actually.

This happened to me. I went out with a girl for a long time. (Long because we were both too awkward to break it up. That was fail.) So I was friends with all her friends, then we broke up, and it was all gentle-like. So then I was friends with all the girls and they were used to me being the one guy who's off limits. So I became the Gay Guy. I also had feelings for one of them, who probably liked me earlier but then stopped. Before I cottoned on. :smallfrown:

I hacked it by dating someone else, from out of that scene/circle. It won't make you dateable to the person you want (Trust me. Well, it hasn't yet. It might.) but hopefully you'll have fun. It's what I did.