D&D jokes

[Zenos]

As stated in the title, make jokes about D&D, pop culture references are allowed as long as the joke's got something to do with DnD.

First joke:
How do wizards fly?
They have so bad BaB they miss the ground when they jump.[/hitchhiker's]

[Corinthus]

ahem. "SNEAK ATTTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[JMobius]

I can already tell this thread is going to be very, very painful. :smallbiggrin:

[KazilDarkeye]

How many warlocks does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they explode it with an eldritch blast.

How many inevitables does it take to change a light bulb?
About 15: 1 to change the bulb, 14 to file the paperwork that the bulb has been lit and what effect it has on the natural order of things.

[Newtkeeper]

Curiosity killed the cat. The cat killed the 1st level commoner.


How many halflings does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 'Bout as many as it takes to make a ladder.

How many drow does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None- they can see in the dark?

How many Transmutationists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one- as an unattended object, it gets no saving throw.

When is a psionic brain like a door? When it's ajar!

[FinalJustice]

How many fighters does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but one can do the job if he optimizes (specializing in Spiked Chain or Leaping Charges).

How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb? One, because, y'know, Clerics are just better.

How many druids does it take to change a light bulb? None. The animal companion can do the job just fine.

[MorkaisChosen]

How many Imperial Guardsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's what those...

Oh, sorry, wrong topic.

How many Monks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change? CHANGE? How dare you?

[Ganurath]

What did the druid say to the warmage?
No, no, we pronounce it with an L. BLoom.

What did the cleric of Hextor say to the cleric of Heironeous?
Unholy Word.

Why are all minotaur Uberchargers female?
Male minotaurs can't produce that much cheese.

[Zenos]

I think we have plenty of lightbulb jokes now, if you want to do more, please go contact the drow/dark eldar at your nearest Torture.Inc.

[Roderick_BR]

Nah, we are missing the most basic and classic light bulb joke:

Q: How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, to cast cure light.

[Randel]

Q. Which demon do you summon to repair a lightbulb?
A. A Marilith, because many hands make light work.

A dwarven monk got drunk
and sat on an elephants trunk
the elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
and that was the end of the monk


Q. What do you call an adventuring party with five bards?
A. A troupe of clowns.

Q. What do you call a troupe of clowns?
A. A random encounter.

[MorkaisChosen]

I just fought a group of enemies- a Celestial Half-Fiend Mind Flayer, a Half-Silver Dragon Modron Bard, and a Hill Giant Fiendish Dire Wereboar.

Now that's what I call a random encounter.

[Edan]

A human and elf walk into a bar...the dwarf walks under it.

[Mewtarthio]

I've decided to broaden my horizons a bit. Observe, for instance, a tasty bit of Slaad humor:

Q: How many did the cleric get when he crossed a hecatonchires?
A: No: One to hold its pants up, and the other two are wet.

...Hm, I suppose Slaad humor may not fit in with human understandings of humor, but that's the point of this excersize. For another perspective, check out a popular Modron joke:

Q: What's the difference between Vecna and a lawyer?
A: One is an evil, undead god of subterfuge and secrecy, while the other is a humanoid professional specializing in knowledge of legal matters.

And, last but not least, my associate here has come back from parts unknown bringing us a lovely Aboleth riddle:

Q: If you jump into the Red Sea wearing green clothes, what do you become?
A: The water is so cool... so refreshing... so inviting... Jump into the pretty water... Jump in, and the master will let you stay forever... The master will make all your cares and worries go away so you can swim in the pretty waters forever and ever and serve the master's every whim and--

Aaaand that's enough cultural broadening for now.

[Chronos]

How many druids does it take to change a light bulb? None. The animal companion can do the job just fine.What? Clearly, electrical lighting is an affront against the natural order! Have we not the Sun to see by in day, and the Moon at night? And when both are set, is that not the time for sleep? Keep this abomination away; the fact that it no longer works is clear proof for the inferiority of the works of Man.



OK, here's one: If you're in a room with an optimized monk, a phantasmal killer, and a thing with webbed feet, rabbit ears, and a bill, which one should you talk to?

The duckbunny. The other two are just figments of your imagination.

[Rachel Lorelei]

So, a dwarf walks past a bar...

(Ba-dum tish!)



P.S.: Rogues do it from behind.
Cleric do it on their knees.
Wizards do it with their staffs.
Monks do it without equipment.

[bugsysservant]

Q. How many kender does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. No one knows. As soon as the light burns out, they use the opportunity to steal the lightbulb, the burned out bulb, the socket, the clothes of the observer, and then leave.

God, I can't believe I just posted that. Pardon me while I go iron my hands while weeping for humanity as a whole.

[Lord Tataraus]

A dwarven monk got drunk
and sat on an elephants trunk
the elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
and that was the end of the monk


OK, here's one: If you're in a room with an optimized monk, a phantasmal killer, and a thing with webbed feet, rabbit ears, and a bill, which one should you talk to?

The duckbunny. The other two are just figments of your imagination.


Rogues do it from behind.
Cleric do it on their knees.
Wizards do it with their staffs.
Monks do it without equipment.

Wow, these just take the cake. I really LOLed at those.

Unfortunately, I'm not so great at constructing jokes...:smallfrown:

[Rutee]

lulz
And now I'm chuckling XD

[Hadrian_Emrys]

What do you call a troupe of bards proficient in wearing full plate?
A heavy metal band.

Rapid Shot does not allow you to get drunk faster.

Proficiency with Exotic anything does not give you a bonus to your charisma.

[Serenity]

One day, Jozan asked Lidda to make a joke.

"'Pun what subject?" the halfing inquired.

"Upon the King," the cleric offered.

"But, Jozan," Lidda protested, "The King is no one's subject!"

Erythnul: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a celestial steed? I don't have a celestial steed in my stable.

[Zincorium]

So the bartender at the local tavern sees a scruffy and obviously depressed fellow drinking down ale at an unhealthy rate. Knowning that he's got a plot hook to give to an adventurer the next morning, the bartender decides to try and cheer the guy up.

"So what's the occasion, sir?"

"Drowning my sorrows, barkeep. Last week, I was out in the wilderness, and I and my companion... you know..."

"That's not so bad. Plenty of people fall in love with their cohorts."

"Yeah, but I'm a druid."

Edit: If this offends anyone, I'll remove it.

[Rachel Lorelei]

Druids do it doggy-style.
When sorcerers do it, it's a magical experience.
Nature clerics do it skyclad.
Barbarians are fatigued afterwards.
Bards do it like they're playing an instrument.
Paladins are shocked, SHOCKED I say, that you think they do it. Except the Sunites, they're having an orgy right now.
Rangers do it with Endurance.

[Azerian Kelimon]

AAAAAAAnd lemme guess...

Fighters specialize on it,
Swordsages can do it 6 different ways,
Warblades can do it continously, only taking 6 seconds to recover,
Crusaders do it as if under divine guidance,
Psions can do it without moving a finger,

And I've no idea in hell about how to make soulborns and incarnates fit, aside from

They do it in a way that gets as deep as your soul.

[Farmer42]

Favored souls do it with Soul Power.


Edit: Does that mean there's a ghostly bass line following them constantly?

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

Sorcerers do it spontaneously.
Warlocks can do it at will.
Crusaders do it whenever their deity grants it to them.

[Leewei]

Fighters have a thing for feats.
Mystic Theurges do it two ways at the same time.
Elemental Savants do it accompanied by Earth, Wind and Fire.

[Prometheus]

You know you've been playing too much D&D when...
Nevermind, all of us already know.

[Kurald Galain]

I'm sure people here are familiar with the classic Munchkin Files?

E.g. how do you react if you encounter a sleeping ancient dragon...

Real Men wake it up, and then attack it.
Real Roleplayers sneak away quietly.
Loonies tie its shoelaces together.
Munchkins decapitate it in one hit with their secret lotus style, make armor out of the hide, and then resurrect it as a familiar.

[Orzel]

A fighter, a wizard, a rogue, and a barbarian were standing in line. The line moves and the barbarian accidentally shoves the rogue forward. The wizard dies in a explosion of blood. The rogue says.
"Not my fault, he was flanked."

A ranger goes to discipline his dog after it goes on the carpet. He hits the dog and it falls unconscious from nonlethal damage. The ranger says "Sorry boy, Favored enemy (animal) doesn't cut off."

Why did the fighter always get bumped to first class on his flights?
Because he has Improved Trip.

[rankrath]

A Wizard and a Fighter walk into a bar and sit next to an elf chick;

Wizard: Hey baby, I know extend, enlarge and Maximise, if you catch my drift.

Fighter: Pfft. More like quicken, silent and still

[The Faceless]

Artificers do it with lots of toys.
Clerics do it in the name of their god.
Druids do it like animals.
Rangers do it from far away.
Modrons do it in an incredibly orderly fashion.

[BRC]

I'm reminded of a random poem on the same lines of many of these jokes. It reffered to WoW classes though
"Warriors do it when their angry
Rouges do it from behind
Hunters try it with their pets
But warlocks... do it over time"

[Chronos]

Real Men wake it up, and then attack it.
Real Roleplayers sneak away quietly.
Loonies tie its shoelaces together.
Munchkins decapitate it in one hit with their secret lotus style, make armor out of the hide, and then resurrect it as a familiar.The only one of those I can ever remember is "What's your favorite weapon?"

Real Men: Greatsword
Real Roleplayers: Lasso, so you can question the prisoners afterwards
Loonies: An aquebus, pointed towards yourself, because hey, it might backfire.
Munchkins: Farslayer

[bibliophile]

Druids do it doggy-style.
When sorcerers do it, it's a magical experience.
Nature clerics do it skyclad.
Barbarians are fatigued afterwards.
Bards do it like they're playing an instrument.
Paladins are shocked, SHOCKED I say, that you think they do it. Except the Sunites, they're having an orgy right now.
Rangers do it with Endurance.


Necromancers always have some body to do it with
Fighters have weapon focus
drow do it in the dark
humans can do it all sorts of ways

[Solo]

How many succubi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but how do they get in the lightbulb?

[PlasticSoldier]

How many succubi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but how do they get in the lightbulb?

I've heard a variation of that joke where it was Slaaneshi cultists instead of succubi.

[Ganurath]

What's the difference between Law and Chaos? Law believes that the ultimate answer to life, the multiverse, and everything is in following the rules. Chaos believes the answer is giant frog.

[TempusCCK]

Monks do it with their fists.

[streakster]

Warlocks can do it all day long...

[FinalJustice]

But CoDzilla can do it Better...

[Mephisto]

P.S.: Rogues do it from behind.
Cleric do it on their knees.
Wizards do it with their staffs.
Monks do it without equipment.

Sorcerers do it unexpectedly
Paladins do it first, ask questions later
Clerics do it missionary style
Druids prefer doggy style
and monks, of course, fist.

[VanBuren]

Munchkins decapitate it in one hit with their secret lotus style, make armor out of the hide, and then resurrect it as a familiar.

But first they read its mind and learn some draconic spells. No self-respecting munchkin would forget that part.

[Kurald Galain]

The only one of those I can ever remember is "What's your favorite weapon?"

Oh, there's lots more :)

How to get information from the goblins...
Real Men act macho and torture them.
Real Roleplayers talk to them until they accidentally reveal their secrets without even the DM realizing it.
Loonies tell jokes to them.
Munchkins peek behind the DM screen.


Favorite kind of elf
Real Men play a Pini elf.
Real Roleplayers play a Tolkien elf.
Loonies play a Santa elf.
Munchkins play a storm giant with pointy ears tacked on.

[kamikasei]

Clerics do it missionary style

Damn it, I was going to use that one.

Archmages do it with mastery.
Abjurers do it with protection.
Stone Dragon adepts will make you feel the earth move.
Crusaders do it better when it's rough.
Swashbucklers do it with finesse.

And, although not in the original form I heard it:
A blind human walks into a monsters' bar. He draws some attention, but being blind, they decide to leave him be. He goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and tries to engage the bartender in conversation.
"Hey," he says, "wanna hear an orc joke?"
The bartender puts down his glass and leans in close. "Listen, buddy," he says, "before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm an orc. The guy sitting to your left is an orc. The five guys playing pool over there are orcs, and the party of seven in the corner are all orcs. Now, are you sure you wanna tell that joke?"
The human considers. "Nah," he says, "I wouldn't want to have to explain it fourteen times."

[Farmer42]

To end all of those weird, uncomfortable questions at the table, just remember, children, that Ride is a Dex based skill.

[Rad]

Monks do it with their fists.
Nah.
Monks can do it with any limb.

[shaddy_24]

Rogues do it from behind.

No, no, no. ASSASSINS do it from behind.
Rogues do it in leather.

[Miraqariftsky]

What do dragons call knights in armour?

Canned food.

[Storm Bringer]

Jesus saves... and takes half damage ( I can't BELIVE no one has used that pne yet)

Shadowcasters do it with the light off.
Batman Wizards do it prepared.
Truenamers do it orally.
Dwarves do it with armour on.
Goblins do it in packs
Elves do it with style

[kamikasei]

Dwarves do it with armour on.

Dwarves do it steadily.
Hobgoblins do it in ranks.
Kalashtar do it like a dream.
Warforged do it until they're told to stop. (Then they whittle.)
Xeph do it in a rush.
Elans can keep doing it as long as they want.
Genies do it on command.
Devils do it with full consent.
Demons do it however they like.
Eladrin do it however you like.
Archons do it like it should be done.
Modrons do it as instructed.
Slaadi do it turquoisely.
Asmodeus arranges for other people do do it to each other on his behalf.
The Lady of Pain does it intantly and silently.
That nice Beguiler didn't do anything and you won't hear a word said otherwise.
Ninja do it suddenly.
Samurai try their best to do it, bless them.
Knights do it scrupulously.
Scouts do it quickly and from the side.
Psions do it thoughtfully.
Binders do it like a man possessed.

[Keld Denar]

How many dwarves does it take to light a candle?
3, one to count the money, one to check for sliding stone panels, and one to strike the flint with steel.

How many elves does it take to light a candle?
3, one to sing, one to dance, and one to summon the spirit of joyous flame into the realm material.

How many Gnomes does it take to light a candle?
One, but it only appears to be lit.

How many halflings does it take to light a candle?
What, you'd trust a halfling with your candle?

How many halfelves does it take to light a candle?
Just 1, apparently halfelves are good at something!

[Zenos]

How many succubi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but how do they get in the lightbulb?

Although I guess they can do it whilst being three.

A self-made munchkin joke, you do not have to applaud loudly:

Who do they do It with:

Real men do It with random farm girls they save from monsters.
Real Roleplayers do it with the princess they have had a long-standing relationship with and recently saved from a dragon.
Real Fools do it with the "toys" they bought at the local adventurer-mart.
Real Munchkin do it with a dragon so they get a half-dragon child he/she can play in the next campaign.

[Cby!]

If thing turn wrong while your stealing from a dragon
you dont have to run faster than the dragon,
just run faster then the halfling


In the Kingdom of the Blind, invisibility spell are pretty useless...

[Frosty]

Fighters have a feat fetish.

[PlatinumJester]

Druids do it with an animal companion.
Warblades do it with special maneuvers.
Monks prefer fisting.

[Roderick_BR]

Age old joke on gaming tables:
All elves looks like women. Including the males.
All dwarves looks like men. Including the females.
I wonder how they manage to get anything done at all.

[Zenos]

Elves do it in the forest.
Dwarves do it rough.

[Frosty]

All elves looks like women. Including the males.

However, to a Human, everyone and everything must look like a female!

[Zenos]

However, to a Human, everyone and everything must look like a female!

Or rather; Every female must look like a human female.

There, corrected.

[Keld Denar]

I dunno, do you know how many 1/2 dragon creatures there are running around? For being part of the most noble race known to the world, dragons don't have many scruples about what they mate with...

I mean...1/2 dragon Bullette? COME ON!!!

[DrizztFan24]

My druid wants a dire bipolar bear

[Roderick_BR]

However, to a Human, everyone and everything must look like a female!
True. Except dwarves.

And to add to the "do it" list (stolen from a thread on the WotC forum:
Monks do it with Flurry of Blows, Quivering Palm, Tongue of the Sun and Moon, and Empty Body.

Here's hoping 4E will avoid these double entendre (sp?) expressions...

[TRM]

Poorly optimized rangers do it with Monkey Grip.

Paladins do it. Afterwards, the thread degenerates into a 50 page debate about whether it is an evil act and violates the paladins' code and the ensuing flame war is locked.

[Jayngfet]

wizards wish they could do it

honestly, its like this stuff writes itself

[Fuzzy_Juan]

Wizards do it with Mordenkeinen's Lubrication so their Magic Weapon is always ready. :smallbiggrin:

[Darth Mario]

And with that, Fuzzy has killed the joke form.

Well done there.

[Ascension]

*ahem*

FREUD WAS RIGHT! (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FreudWasRight)

Sorry, after reading through these last few pages I had to get that out of my system.

Oh, and spellthieves need to steal the magic from someone else if they want to do it.

You're right, they do write themselves.

[Randel]

Elves wish for magic
Halflings wish for food
Dwarves wish for gold
Orcs wish for weapons
Humans wish for half-genies

[Ascension]

Humans wish for half-genies

REAL MEN homebrew a half-genie race themselves.
ROLEPLAYERS angst over how their poor half-genie is an outcast from society.
LOONIES don't wish for a half-genie... they try to seduce an Efreeti.
MUNCHKINS "accidentally" leave off the level adjustment.

[Frosty]

Half Genies...why spring for the real thing when a Limited Wish will suffice?