Armchair Psychologists in the Playground

[Groundhog]

I am currently playing therapist to a few people, and although I can't be doing that bad of a job, considering they're still coming to me to pour out their problems, I feel woefully inadequate in terms of helping them deal with the aforementioned problems, as opposed to just being sympathetic. Anyone know how I can help my friends out a bit more? Or where I can find information about this subject?

[Catch]

Wikipedia.

Kidding, really. In all honesty, being sympathetic is a huge part of helping people along with their difficulties, as most folk are indifferent to the troubles of others, mostly because they're too focused on their own. At the core, people need love and acceptance more than anything else, and the majority of psychological problems that develop usually stem from a lack of either or both. Simply by listening and being the token good friend, you're already playing a significant part in helping your friends along, even if the advice you dispense is largely superficial.

The way I see it, amateur psychology is little more than common sense: "Don't do that, you're hurting yourself," "This isn't getting you anywhere" and "Think positively." More often than not, people simply need to hear things they already know, just to reaffirm what they've been feeling needs change. By being supportive and pointing a finger in the right direction, you're doing a load of good--and that's all you're really obligated to do. Serious diagnosis, therapy and treatment is work for a real therapist, so if you feel that someone you know needs more than friendly advice, it would be prudent to advise them to seek a professional.

[Mauril Everleaf]

You may trot over to the Depression Thread and ask the guys over there as well.

Most of my knowledge is experience. I have gone through a lot of stuff and I know what did and didn't work for me. I also researched various conditions over at WebMD. But, as I said, most of my knowledge is experiencial rather than academic. I've found that fostering normalcy (or rather, moderacy) is the key to being a good armchair psychologist. Stay consistently firm, but not unyielding. Show mercy without giving concession to their problems. But, and this has taken me some time to figure out, a little crazy isn't bad. Keeping their personality intact is more important than erradicating every last vestige of their mental problems.

Other people may be able to give you better advice, but this is what worked for me.

[Cobra_Ikari]

...whenever someone comes to me with a problem, I try to remember what my previous therapists told me or the other members of the group therapy thing I was in for that specific problem? Then again, I also have a lot of experience in that regards. >.>

...listening is probably the most important thing? And being a friend?

...truth be told, I feel a lot like you do most of the time. What can I do to do this better? *sighs*

[BlackStaticWolf]

As a somewhat non sequitur...

The phrase "armchair (black)" has always kind of confused me. I mean... most psychologists and lawyers (they're the other profession I see coupled with armchair all the time) actually DO sit in armchairs.

[dish]

When providing unofficial counselling services for friends, I find the following guidelines help:

- As has been mentioned above, most folks are really just looking for a sympathetic ear. The main trick is listening, being concerned, and caring.

- When people are asking for advice try your best not to give it. Most people actually know deep down within themselves what they should do to solve their own problems. Your job is to provide them support while they work it out for themselves. You can do this by listening, reminding, asking gentle questions, and basically just encouraging them to keep talking while they work stuff through.

For example, if a (for this example, female, but it could easily work the other way) friend has been hurt by something her boyfriend has done and comes to you first you can encourage her to talk it all out. One useful technique to do this is by echoing the last comment made as a question to encourage the friend to continue talking, thus:
Friend: ...he came back at 3am totally drunk, and I was so upset.
You: You were upset?
Friend: Yes, upset. I felt betrayed....
Then, once the story and emotions are out you can start some gentle questioning:
You: So, have you confronted him about this?
Or reminding:
You: Last time this happened, you did say you were going to talk to him about it...

Basically, an unofficial counsellor is an enabler. You're enabling your friends to talk through their own problems and find their own solutions. Then you are supporting and encouraging them to work those solutions through. (As posters have mentioned above, those solutions could involve going to find more professional help.)

An important thing to remember is: you'll never persuade anyone to do something they don't want to do. You might fully believe that your friend should just ditch her loser boyfriend and be done with it, but if that friend doesn't want to ditch him she won't - no matter what you say. It's much better just to keep this opinion to yourself* and give her the space to work out what she wants to do.

However, if a friend seems to be stuck in a situation and refuses to work out their own solution you can confront them:
You: You've been complaining about your boyfriend now for three years without doing anything about it. Face it, you've either got to accept him as he is, or do something to change this situation. I'm not going to listen to you again until you chose one of those options.
(This is pretty harsh coming from a friend, so I'd only use it only as a last resort.)

* Exception: if loser boyfriend is being physically violent or threatening then of course you should do everything you can to make sure she gets right out of that situation as quickly as possible. This exception also applies in other situations where someone's health or physical safety might be threatened. Or if people come asking for advice on partaking in illegal activities.

[Tom_Violence]

As a somewhat non sequitur...

The phrase "armchair (black)" has always kind of confused me. I mean... most psychologists and lawyers (they're the other profession I see coupled with armchair all the time) actually DO sit in armchairs.

Clearly you've seen some pretty damn swanky research labs, not to mention some very well furnished courtrooms. :smalltongue: The 'armchair' bit generally refers to introspective study; that is, study that doesn't require anything else except the mind of the student.

As for the topic at hand, with something like psychology there's not really any obvious middle ground - either you're talking to your friends to the best of your ability (in which case, its more in line with counseling than psychology), or you're doing the professional work. Its also tricky to try and give any advice on how to 'kick things up a notch', since its real people that you're dealing with and that means there's a whole mess of safeguards and whatnot that you've got to deal with.

But, I'm guessing that the issues you're faced with are pretty trivial for the most part, otherwise you wouldn't be asking us for help on how to be an amateur, but hopefully rather you'd be asking where the nearest professional is. If its something that you'd actually like to on a more serious basis, perhaps actually look into signing up for a course on the subject.

[rubakhin]

I have a friend to whom something pretty messed-up happened a little while back. Right now I'm the only one he's told. We've been talking a lot about it. I keep telling him that he's got to go to a real therapist. I KNOW he won't, and it's driving me insane because that means it's all on me. I don't know if I can deal with the burden in a way that will help him. I'm glad to suffer for him and I'm never going to turn him away, but I just don't know if I'll be able to do enough. Because if he gets even a fraction as messed-up as I got, I'd just ... Christ, I don't even know. I'd kill myself. I love him so much and I would die if that happened to someone like him. My heart would break and I'd die.

I've been trying to help him through this **** best I can, but ... well, I couldn't deal with it. Not in any way that was remotely healthy. I'm not sure to tell him what to do. I'm like, "Look, I'm fine now, but that wasn't via group therapy or positive thinking or anything that might help a normal person. I snapped, tried to cut my own throat out, and ran away to a Central Asian warzone where I sandblasted my troubles away with enough narcotics to kill a small pod of whales. I'm just scared that the most useful thing I can tell you is how to sneak across the border from Tbilisi."

(Not that I ever did this myself, mind. Best to follow international law whenever possible. It's just, damn, that is a holey border.)

I'm hoping it's enough for him that there's someone who knows exactly what he's thinking and what he's going through, and to tell him that it's all normal, that it's all crazy, that he's a wonderful person and that nobody else is ever going to hurt him again, and it'll all be okay someday.

[Hell Puppi]

I am currently playing therapist to a few people, and although I can't be doing that bad of a job, considering they're still coming to me to pour out their problems, I feel woefully inadequate in terms of helping them deal with the aforementioned problems, as opposed to just being sympathetic. Anyone know how I can help my friends out a bit more? Or where I can find information about this subject?

I've had the 'come to me with your problems!' label for a long time. The best thing you can do is listen and try and wording in such a way that the person comes to their own conclusions. The person you're talking to may think this is mean, but you can sum that up i your own way:
"I'm like Buddah, I only give you the answers that you already know."
" If I give you an answer, it would only reflect my thoughts and desires, I think it's better if you come up with you're own."

Above all, like everyone else, said be sympathetic. Also, be honest, even if it's something they may not to hear. Never preach, always say what you can live with. I also always give the disclaimer: "This is what I think, so it may or not be right."

Just thoughts.

[ForzaFiori]

I'm this person to many of my friends too, though it has calmed down recently (probably due to the fact that, a few months ago, all the problems I had finally spilled over and i almost had a minor breakdown. My friends kinda stopped coming to me for advice when i started going to a pro for it.). However, back when i did this regularly, i tried to keep a few things in mind. first, no matter what else, listen. thats the most important thing. and when your listening, try to remain neutral. You may hate the subject of their problems, but dont let that influence your advice and such. Second, if you can, try to give advice or support. Support is easy, just let them know that you're there for them. Advice is a bit harder. A lot of mine is from personal experience, or, in the times when i didn't have that to fall back on, thinking "if that was me, what would i do". didn't work 100%, but it did do pretty good. third, dont think that because your the shoulder that you shouldn't be able to get your own problems out. I did that, and it came back to bit me in the ass.

[Gerrtt]

Friend: ...he came back at 3am totally drunk, and I was so upset.
You: You were upset?
Friend: Yes, upset. I felt betrayed....
Then, once the story and emotions are out you can start some gentle questioning:
You: So, have you confronted him about this?
Or reminding:
You: Last time this happened, you did say you were going to talk to him about it...



As a therapist in training myself I'd like to point out that this is a legitimate technique. It's known as mirroring.

Honestly, though, just actually care about the stuff they bring to you and don't tell everyone what they tell you and you're golden. It doesn't take 4 years of post-graduate theory work and another 2 getting a license to be sympathetic...you only need that if you don't want to be arrested for charging for it.

[Lemur]

As others have suggested, what you're already doing is already probably the most helpful thing you can do. You don't even necessarily need a technique or know the workings of the human mind (to the extent that such things can be "known"). The ability to confide in someone is generally helpful to a person. And I'm not making a simple assertion here- there has been research that suggests this done by psychologists of the non-armchair, fancy-degree-wielding variety, so don't worry too much about your qualifications.

[Hell Puppi]

One of a therapist's (even from a friendship point of view) biggest fears is not being able to say anything to something that your friend needs an answer to, or not saying the right thing.
But honestly, just being there and listening just means that biggest thing in th world to most people.

[Mando Knight]

If your friends divulge rather serious problems, like thoughts of suicide or clinical depression, your best option would be to tell that to someone both of you trust. If you want to do more, you can also find the names of area psychiatrists, or read up on books about basic psychiatry/psychology. Since you're asking these forums instead of some medical institute's Elite Forum of Doctoral Knowledge, I assume that you don't have an MD or PsyD yourself... get backup, like a teacher, parent, professional psychologist, etc. in case you run into problems that you don't feel qualified for.

[Groundhog]

Thanks peoples. Luckily, neither of these friends has serious problems, but I have already used some of your advice when talking to them, and so far, it is working awesomely!

[Trog]

*sits in armchair diguised with a fake Freudian beard*

Tell Trog about your mother.

*scritches with pencil on note pad*

Is she hot?

[dish]

I'm hoping it's enough for him that there's someone who knows exactly what he's thinking and what he's going through, and to tell him that it's all normal, that it's all crazy, that he's a wonderful person and that nobody else is ever going to hurt him again, and it'll all be okay someday.

Rubahkin: it sounds like you're giving your friend exactly what he needs. He needs reassurance that he isn't crazy, that bad things happened to him, but it's possible to get through them. I'm sure you're doing the right thing.

Remember: no adult can ever be responsible for another adult's mental health. You're helping him, and supporting him, and doing everything you can - but (I presume he is a legal adult) you can't be responsible for him. How he chooses to work his situation through is ultimately his own choice. Not yours.

Trust that deep down within your friend's psyche there is the strength to find his own way through this, and support him as he works towards his own place of stability. Just because you chose one particular route, doesn't mean he'll take the same one, so watch out for self-destructive tendencies, but don't presume they'll automatically appear.

Don't try to fix him - just provide reassurance that he can fix himself. And just because he's rejected the idea of a therapist for now, doesn't mean he'll always feel that way. Let it rest for now, and maybe you can bring it up again later if it seems appropriate.