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Primal Fury
2008-03-02, 07:07 PM
I am trying to come up with a spellcaster that wants to specialize in the summoning of strange and unnatural creatures. I dont have a build, but i've got the just about everything else, i'd like some feedback on his background.
It's kinda long, so bear with me.
oh! and his tail is the result of taking the feat "Aberration Blood" at level one (which can be found in "Lords of Madness")

And now, i would like to present (drumroll) Ntukarius Lunavarius!
Ntukarius is a very strange person to say the least. Although he is quite a skilled magus, he would much rather tell stories around a campfire or in a tavern. He can be rather lethargic and he daydreams almost all the time. In the presence of more dedicated (and apparently less skilled) individuals he would most likely take the role of sidekick. Why he does this, no one can say. What can be said is that if necessary, he will rise to the occasion. He isn’t a very large man, a little over five feet tall. But he is very lithe. He wins most of his battles thanks to his dexterity, and magical abilities.

He was born under a blood-red moon, which was accompanied by an attack on the village by aberrations, and it seems that their taint had infected him; he was born with a tail. With so many strange and unnatural events involved in his birth, the tribe wondered just how dangerous he could become. As an infant, he sometimes spoke in strange and alien tongues that would sometimes drive the other gypsies insane. This greatly disturbed the elders; at one point they tried to perform an exorcism when he was a toddler. All Ntukarius did was smile and clap his hands. There were even times when more unearthly terrors tried to abduct him.

He had a typical childhood (well, typical for a gypsy at least). He spent his time listening to stories that his “grams” told, gathering food, and helping to prepare for “Yel-Dorae”. This is what his particular family calls the annual hunt for werewolves and other lycanthropes. He never truly understood it. He and his entire family are shifters, who have lycanthropy in their bloodline. Though the circumstances of his birth are quite frightening, the tribe did not shun him; they treated him as they would any other child; however they did tread lightly when they were around him. His unnatural presence was what disturbed them the most. To fix this, his mother, who was (and still is) a very powerful mage, “enchanted” a blue head band and told him told him to where it at all times. She told the tribe that it would ward off evil spirits, and they seemed to accept that. He didn’t mind though, since it belonged to his father, he saw it as an honor.

As time went on, Ntukarius found that he had a talent for magic. He could perform the most basic spells at will, even when the tribe’s most powerful magi could only use theirs a few times a day. His mother just happened to be adept at the art of summoning, so she attempted to train him. But this did not work out too well. He always became distracted by a butterfly, his own magic, or something else his found interesting instead of paying attention to his mother. Apparently, all of this daydreaming is how he learns his spells. He doesn’t learn magic by studying it, but by understanding its true nature. Instead of forcing her method on him, she simply let him wander about and discover his abilities for himself. Ntukarius asked his mother many times if she would train him in the art of summoning. She said no every time. She did not believe he possessed the discipline to become a summoner. He still doesn’t think this is very fair.

Soon Ntukarius decided to leave. His mother was very sad to see him go, though the rest of the tribe had mixed feelings of sadness and relief. Life was not as hard for him as the elders believed it would be. He was able to make plenty of money by navigating for lost travelers, making fire works, and performing little magic shows for children. At present, Ntukarius is about 20 years old. He has short, black hair. His eyes are a deep sapphire, but some have claimed that, when they look into them, they can see the vastness of the void between the stars. He has standard shifter features (slightly elongated face, very pronounced canines, sharp ears, etc.) He also has a long furry tail he doesn’t care to hide. He is mildly attractive, although there seems to be an aura of… wrongness surrounding him at all times. He wears a blue head band that he never seems to take off. When asked about it, he simply responds with a raspberry. He is currently imprisoned in a kingdom ruled by an evil necromancer. Why? He doesn’t know. Nor does he seem to care too much. He will soon be forced to fight for his freedom in a gladiatorial arena.

Stormcrow
2008-03-03, 04:43 PM
It's not bad. It seems to be very epic, perhaps give it a read through and ask yourself why these things are the case, lots of why. And I'm not sure anyone has eyes that look like the void between stars and what have, except maybe the Death of the Discworld.

Primal Fury
2008-03-03, 07:38 PM
well, he doesnt actually have eyes like that, thats just what people have claimed, being unable to describe why they feel so strange around him.

and this IS an epic character! this is the first character i've ever had that is absolutely NOT going to be killed off by another player cuz "Lawful Good is the ONLY good" or changed by the DM cuz "you should play a human, because they have no special abilities, and races that do are overpowered" and "you cant be powerful and roleplay at the same time" sorry what was i saying?

Neon Knight
2008-03-03, 08:08 PM
I'd like to give some context before I begin. Firstly, this is all opinion. You need to keep in mind that people's tastes in characters and writing are different, and that another person might feel completely different about your back story.

Secondly, I am very interested in writing, particularly fiction. I've read about it, met with a published author, have taken advanced English classes all throughout high school and have also taken Creative Writing and Humanities. None of this gives me any credentials. I am still a beginner, and still have a lot to learn. None of my advice is absolute or perfect.

That out of the way, let's begin with the character's name: Ntukarius Lunavarius.

Firstly, you may wish to change the front half, because some people may find it difficult to pronounce. This could lead to people tagging you with an undesirable nickname, an example being Nuts. The surname is more pronounceable, but the fact that Luna means moon basically just holds up a sign that says SYMBOLISM! in big letters and leaves it at that. Something more provocative and clever would go over better, although a plainer surname might serve you better, one bereft of meaning. Lunavarius is something of an exotic surname for a human, who usually just end up with something like Smith.

The fact that the two halves rhyme is sort of annoying. It reminds me of Dr. Seuss, something that makes me disinclined to take your character seriously.

Name dissection over, let's examine the introduction paragraph:

I think you're attempting to foster a sense of mystery about the character, but being a slacker is hardly mysterious. That may sound a bit harsh, but that's what I ultimately gathered from the paragraph.

A certain airiness or thoughtfulness could be implied by his “daydreaming,” but with nothing concrete one must go on one’s own assessment. Also, you’re by and large telling us instead of showing us. I mean, you don’t have to show us everything; that would make the back-story far too long. But informing us about major attributes doesn’t fall under this category. Daydreaming can be one of the harder tendencies to establish by showing us through a descriptive rendering of a scene, but I think it is still possible and worth the effort.

Also, the “would rather tell stories” comment strikes me the wrong way. So is telling stories some activity reserved for an exclusive few that for a wizard to do so is some great taboo, abnormality, or sin? I could understand the statement if it was amended with “to the extent of neglecting his magical studies.” But that then raises the question of how he became a skilled mage despite being apparently uncommitted to magical advancement.

Speaking of which, the attribute of “humble, unassuming, and doesn’t focus on his magic, but competent anyway,” has a touch of Mary-Sue to it. He doesn’t try hard at his magic, but is apparently so naturally skilled that he is good anyway.

Second Paragraph:

We’re now in wavy flashback mode, and the past appears to have been a kooky, crazy place.

Firstly, what kind of people are these? There is a reference to a village, but these people are later called gypsies, a typically nomadic people who don’t possess static holdings like villages, at least in the pop culture perception. Personally, I know very little about gypsies, but I got the impression that they were largely nomadic traders.

Secondly, the birth event reads like an example line from the Mary Sue regulation handbook. It’s also confusing. Did the aberration attack coincide with the birth, or was it just before the birth? If it coincided, how did they taint him?

Thirdly, the line “There were even times when more unearthly terrors tried to abduct him,” doesn’t make any sense. He was attacked by aberrations on his birth night apparently, but the level of terror and unearthliness possessed by them is unknown, so this relative comparison is worthless.

Fourthly, the elders and associated gypsies are the most forgiving people I have ever met. A child is born with a tail, and is apparently not shunned or exiled. Said child can also randomly drive people insane with his horrible baby babbling. The elders are merely “greatly disturbed.” My first reaction to this is to kill said child with fire, although being exposed to Lovecraft and Rosemary’s Baby might have something to do with that. The elders just try a little “exorcism.” By the way, the whole exorcism bit lacks punch. So the baby clapped his hands. So what? He also probably crapped his pants. It’s a standard baby reaction. Unless you specify that the exorcism is supposed to be violent or provoke some special reaction, a baby being a baby isn’t notable.

Fifthly, how did the gypsies indentify the aberrations as such? I doubt that gypsies or simple peasants are going to boast aberration experts among their ranks.

For a wrap up, all of this is old to us, and none of it is shown. You need a balance of telling and showing. Tell the minor stuff, show the important stuff. If you are shooting for an “epic” tone, then there are still ways of doing that without all the heavy handed Mary-Sueism.

Third Paragraph:

Bwah? I mean… WHAT?!? Is this back-story for the same character?

Firstly, Yel-Dorae, at least the name, sounds more like a Mardi-Gras type thing. It sounds perfect shout out while part of a massive partying mob. Moving on, his entire family is composed of “shifters”, which is somehow related to lycanthropy. You think his would make being near a lycanthropy hunt inconvenient, but apparently not so. There is also no mention of how this “shifter” thing affects him family or distinguishes them from the rest of the community. They might as well have penguins for ancestors.

Secondly, a lycanthrope hunt?!? How do 1 hit die NPCs hunt lycanthropes? Where the hell do they live that lycanthropes are so numerous as to require some sort of holiday just for the express purpose of hunting them down? What did he not understand about the event?

Thirdly, here is the “does extremely weird and dangerous things like speak madness inducing tongues, possesses odd physical abnormalities, and lives among superstitious peasants (and gypsies, rightly or wrongly, have a pop culture reputation for being superstitious) in a world with objective physically manifesting sources of evil like devils and demons, and he is treated the same as any other child??? Oh, wait. That’s a lie. They did “tread lightly when they were around him.” That’s totally the same as any other child.

Aside from another example of informed attributes in his “unnatural presence,” (although the cuckoo causing words and tail might count towards it) we can now move on to the next stage, which involves an earlier alluded to Grandmother (who is also a powerful mage) “enchanting” a blue head band to ward off evil spirits. Also, in light of the reference to other magic users later in the back-story, how come nobody else ever bothered to investigate the enchantment on the headband? If they were so uneasy about the kid, you think they would attempt to insure his ward was effective.

The blue head band brings to mind Solid Snake. This is not a good thing, as alluding to much better characters just makes us wish you character had the depth and complexity of Solid Snake (who can’t be said to be super complex, but I feel he has something to him.) That was more than a bit harsh, but I honestly can’t come up with a better way to say it without losing meaning. My apologies.

We get the only reference to Mr. Lunavarius in this segment, and he remains nameless. The fact that an important figure in the development of a child is given but a single reference and is left unnamed is more than a bit odd. Why “was” the blue head band his fathers? Did he die? Did he run off with a better looking woman? Where on earth is he?

Fourth Paragraph:

And the Mary-Sue levels reach critical mass.

Performing the most basic spells at will is quite frankly impossible unless you take a Reserve feat, and that only applies to one spell. Ignoring the Mary-Sueism of being able to do this naturally when the most powerful spell casters in the odd non-nomadic gypsy tribe cannot, we must then move on to apparently contradictory passage on summoning training.

His mother’s convenient specialization in the magical school of conjuration aside, we then must move on to the Mary-Sueish ability to apparently daydream up magic. Alright, so Sorceror already has the “does magic naturally” shtick. That’s not what I’m talking about. It is the inclination that a) He understands magic naturally, while apparently people who actual devote time and serious effort to this do not, and b) he apparently can learn new magic by day dreaming. Unless he only daydreams while leveling up, as a Sorcerer he cannot learn new magic in this manner.

This passage is also contradictory; it claims that he asked her to train him, and she turned him down. Yet wasn’t she training him earlier, and stopped for his own good? You would think she would explain why she refused to bequeath knowledge upon him.

Fifth Paragraph, home stretch:

And so, abruptly, suddenly, and arbitrarily, our Mary-Sue develops a case of wanderlust and becomes a vagrant, thus leaving his poor unnamed family, who apparently had little effect on his life other than withholding unneeded magical training and the providing of seemingly enchanted family artifacts to ward off public suspicion, apparently sad, and the rest of the gypsies apparently sad but relieved (most likely actually relieved and not-at-all-sad to be rid of the horrible sin against-nature-and-god-demon child.)

In another display of Mary-Sue traits, he doesn’t actually have to suffer the repercussions of his decision, and is able to earn money by “navigating for lost travelers, making fire works, and performing little magic shows for children.” The last two remind one of Gandalf the Grey, which is not a good thing, and the first one is just bizarre. Where one earth did he get navigation skills? Can he just invent new powers and abilities like Superman?

And then all of a sudden we are back into physical description. The transition could use some work, and the fact that half of the physical/personality description sits at the opening and the rest is at the end is confusing. Keeping this particularly body of information together would be of great benefit.

The rest of the description isn’t worth bothering picking apart, aside from the raspberry. What the heck? Is he still an infant or something? Well, alright, there is one other thing: how does this guy have Aberration blood? Aberrations are defined as having a bizarre anatomy, strange abilities, an alien mindset, or any combination of the three. This guy fits none of these. The vaguely animalistic features, including the furry tail, don’t warrant the label. We’re talking mindflayer and beholder odd, not catgirls, for goodness sake.

And then ending is as weak and flimsy as cardboard. How the hell did we go from wandering and ripping off Gandalf to imprisonment in a generic evil kingdom by a generic evil necromancer for generic evil reasons that wouldn’t matter anyway because this dude is apparently such a B.A. that he doesn’t care? And since when are necromancers are disposed towards gladiatorial fights? One would think a necromancer would consider such a thing a waste of good bodies that he could use as minions.

Conclusion:

I’m going to be honest. This reads like a fan fiction. A Mary-Sue starring, wish fulfilling fan fiction. This is not a compliment.

The character has no character or personality. We know he daydreams. We don’t know whether he is brave or cowardly, noble or villainous, aloof or friendly, reserved or forthright, cheerful or gloomy, helpful or lazy, etc. There is so little here of any value. And so much “this dude is totally awesome.” Totally vapid is more like it.

I mean, he never suffers from his oddities, his actions, or his decisions, any potential difficulties are arbitrarily removed, and he gets cool rule breaking powers. All these combined point to Mary-Sue.

And a lot of it simple does not make a lick of sense. The whole thing is like a logic destroying vortex. He caused people to go insane, and this is assumed to have no repercussions at all? No one held a grudge? He wasn’t horrified that he had wrecked people’s lives and sanity?

I just don’t think this character is interesting at all. He seems to have random powers and abilities stapled on for the heck of it. They don't mean anything or relate or help define the character at all.

Primal Fury
2008-03-04, 10:37 AM
mary sue? fan-fiction?! n... no... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! i HATE fan-fiction!!:smallfurious:
*deep breath* i would like to apologize to all those who read this abomination... i swore to myself that i would never write, or post anything such as this... and yet i have:smallfrown:
i have posted fan-fiction on these boards... and i am sorry *deep and mournful bow*
this will now be scrapped, and i suppose i could just come up with an introduction that would fit with the basic idea of this... atrocity. once again... i am truly, deeply sorry...

EDIT: Also, his name will be changed to Ntuka Blackfang. "Blackfang" being a shifter name given to those families who are tainted in someway

Stormcrow
2008-03-04, 05:24 PM
Now you're on track. :)
We (I appoligise if I speak out of turn for others) meant no animosity, we've all been where you're at and we wanted to give an outside view. I look forward to seeing your new bio.